#sad holidays

[violentivy]

Survivors guilt

My family had a bit of a rough year as far as the holidays. I mean, my family of origin.

See, my brother caught Covid and tested positive on Dec 23rd. My Mom tested positive yesterday, (Merry Christmas I guess.)

My brother was all over his socials talking about how he felt bad for anyone who couldn't spend time with their families this holiday, and that he understood how hard it was.

The gesture felt empty. I hated that he suddenly had ALL THE SUPPORT IN THE WORLD for people separated from their families the moment he can't see his kids for ONE holiday.

I get that he's autistic and empathy might be a bit of a stretch for him, but I TOO am autistic, and I have spent my life being overly empathetic to make up for my siblings complete and utter disregard for anyone but themselves. It's kinda funny, I mean, funny isn't really the world but I lack the right one. I've been unable to spend Christmas with all of my children for 9 fucking years. If you think about that in time lost, the memories I will never be able to make with my kids, how I am grateful to get to kind of be there through a twitter thread now.

When I was their full time parent, I made sure that all of them knew I would never abandon them. From the moment I first held them in my arms. Then to have them ripped away because "You can't read social queues." feels awful. I too, am autistic, and I just wish I had a chance to have a "normal", real family.

I never saw one meme, one expression of care or concern, nothing before yesterday.

As a matter of fact, the first holiday after the kids were taken, I went to my Mother's house she called my terrible mood her fault in an effort to try to guilt me into feeling better. Maybe that worked when I was a kid IDK. It doesn't work now.

I stopped going to her house for Easter after that. I usually spend the day home by myself.

I understand in a very real way that I am on my own. My family is just some people I'm related to and I've never belonged with them. I keep them, just as I keep all acquaintances, at an arm's length. I do not even permit my sister to message me. I do this for my survival.

Just as I spent yesterday. I sat at home for 18 hours just playing video games all day and it was glorious. I didn't have to share the controller, I didn't have to get off of my computer to help someone, or make a huge meal. I didn't cry too much.

My upbringing was pretty terrible. I understand my parents were doing the best they could, but their best was fucking awful. I've found since I've started reparenting myself, and encouraging myself to take off my mask more and more, I feel better.

When my boss "corrects" my behaviors, he says he wishes someone had done the same for him. I just want to shout at him "wait, because you're neurodivergent and lack the social queues?"

See, I lack the social queues, too, but believe it or not, I feel pretty ok in my being terrible at it.

Nothing in my life currently follows convention.

My husband and I had had our holiday on the 21st with his kids, and I expect to visit my daughter and granddaughter on the 28th. He worked a 12 hour shift yesterday during which he made more money in a day than I make in a pay period. That's all true. However, my husband also does a lot of the household work as well. I'm glad because I lack the spoons to do so, as well as just the ability, but he can't see mess.

So, I point out things and he deals with them. It's hard to call oneself interdependent when your partner does so much. It feels like leaning but then I have to remind myself that I am the one who sees the things and points them out, so that he can do whatever needs to be done.

And I'm not like, completely helpless either. I'm disabled. That's ok. 40 hour work week takes all the spoons I have and then some.

I am able to cook sometimes. I can sometimes remember to do a whole load of laundry. Sometimes, I even remember I could be folding the laundry while I have a streamer on the television to essentially body double with me. I try not to get annoyed at how many times a day I trip over shit and fall.

On the 21st I was running down the hallway, caught a shoe, tripped and fell hard enough that I slid when I fell. I still have carpet burn on my knees.

I brushed it off, but I just wanted to sit, cry and feel sorry for myself. But my mother taught me that you can't do that in front of your kids. They need to see you as untouchable and unphasable.

That ISN'T correct, but since also poorly regulate, it's been necessary for my survival. I try not to wail. I feel a wail in my throat often.

Because that's GRIEF that is trapped inside, and I feel like I always carry it. It also feels as though no one really gets it. Like I am some delusional woman who believes she used to have children, but doesn't in reality.

Except the one that does constantly stay in contact, who pretty much gets a hold of me daily asking for some money, or some form of heavy emotional labor. An emotional labor I HAVE to do because I parented her poorly, because I too was a child when I had her.

But I have to do it before her brain fully solidifies. She needs to understand she isn't a bad kid. She's always been so good, but she also has always been under her father's thumb, and that nothing was ever going to be good enough for him.

Me? I'm pretty easy to please. Just let me to my own devices and reach out when you need advice. I'm just, automatically proud. You all were little wobbly pieces of sentient meat who turned into less wobbly pieces of sentient meat. And those meatsuits you currently wear are capable of amazing things like making music, or creating art.

In my head, I laugh and say "I made that meatsuit.". The fact is, I did. But ya'll gave it life.

And THAT is why I'm proud of you. You gave yourselves lives and dared to dream bigger than I could muster as a heavily emotionally abused little girl.

I'm still that girl, yes, still the same meat mech I've always had, but through your lofty dreams, I'm able to see beyond the faulty programing, and the crappy connective tissues that just don't stay in place the way they should.

However, it is also terrifying because as you dream big, I realize I have to help create a steady foundation for you to jump off of into your adult lives. And as a kid when I asked for that kind of foundation my parents told me I was being resource intensive. They told me I asked for too much and being self made was better than being just... Made.

It's called GENERATIONAL wealth for a reason. You're supposed to spread it. You're supposed to share it.

As if by some miracle my other 2 sons find this blog post, I'm sorry. I know you think I'm evil. You can think that if you'd like. You'll make your own conclusions someday. I love and accept you no matter what. My littlest one, I want you to know that you associate food with me. That's why you over eat. I was trying this new method with you were I fed you every meal so that you'd have a healthy association with food. The thing is, we didn't get through that entire program.

And my middlest one, you have my heart. As much as you all look, think and act like me, you may be the one who does that the most. Keep being your weird self. Keep asking those macabre questions and keep making it uncomfortable for everyone. Someday, someone is going to try to stop you from asking uncomfortable questions and revealing uncomfortable truths.

Don't. Don't stop ever. You're right to question. This world ain't gonna fix itself and in order to make it better for everyone, we gotta ask those questions.

I stopped because someone beat me repeatedly for it.

And for my other 2, who likely won't see this post. I am so, incredibly proud of you. You are living your dreams and even if it makes me nervous, understand that I am still proud. I am just fighting a lot of internal programming.

We'll all be together someday. Until then, I'll keep playing video games on holidays by myself and dream of spring, where you all would run around your grandparents back yard and hunt for eggs while the rest of the family enjoyed the warm of the springtime sun.

[reasonandempathy]

One of the most personal, saddest things about living in America is the summertime.

There is 0 reason for American adults not to have a summer break. I can only say this with a full throat so loud, but other countries have policies and laws that give adults summertime.

It is not a joke to say France is kind of shutdown for August. There are over a dozen countries that have enough mandatory, legally required leave available to take an entire month off, or more. PLUS mandatory PAID holidays.

It's Brazil and Russia (ooh scary BRIC countries outgrowing the US and coming for us). India AND China give up to 2 weeks mandatory vacation leave, plus sick leave on top.

It's Afghanistan (20 days). It's Angola (22). It's Argentina(25) and Armenia (25) and Australia (20). It's Cambodia (technically unlimited; you can eventually get 15 or 17 days per month vacation).

That us on top of mandatory PAID public holidays. Cambodia can somehow manage 27 mandatory paid holidays plus upwards of 18 vacation days per year and going up from there, and we in the US can't even manage mandatory paid holidays.

We don't even get paid on Christmas and Memorial Day. And even trying to convince some people, let alone politicians, that everyone should get paid on Christmas is unfair to compare to pulling teeth.

Please. Please. I want to have a better life. I want you to have a better life.

I want you to not miss Summer Break. Because France and Cambodia don't.

[keynotez]

🎄💔

[sodacansculptures]

Homemade nativity scene

[outfoxt]

you know. I think it's going to be worse this year because the first night chanukkah is on christmas day. but I'll say it until I physically cannot speak anymore that chanukkah is not jewish christmas and if you so much as insinuate it is (while knowing better) I'll incinerate your face.

[wishfulsketching]

Nobody does it like him

[lilybug-02]

Noelle is scared of Humans :)

Bruh I'm already making little comics for the future ah.

[yellbug]

do you poor saps really not have mischief night? my grandpa used to get his ass beat for throwing eggs at cars on the most beautiful and special night of the year

[ducktracy]

in honor of Holiday for Drumsticks--perhaps the best Daffy short ever touched by Art Davis--FINALLY receiving a way overdue restoration, i'm reuploading this absolute powerhouse of a sequence. Mel Blanc's voice acting is hypnotic as always, and is matched by equal hypnotism in Bill Melendez's animation, who animates his entire savior complex spiel from 0:15--0:54. Art Davis is one of a handful of directors who has the distinction of animating on his own cartoon, carrying us through the remainder of the clip, and Don Williams starts us off with Daffy's aggrieved lack of seniority. beautiful animation, beautiful voice acting, beautiful characterization, and now, finally, after 75 years, beautiful print!

[mobius-m-mobius]

#too soon NASA... too soon 😅🎄

[t8oo]

this happens in the columbo world and not the magic lupin world where physics dont matter and lupin probably breaks all the bones in his twiggy body to slide out the prison window bars 😢 (original by @/hausofdecline on twitter)

[pxltown]

🎇 morensong, tomarang

[spiritualseeker777]

[rowanhoney]

still no cure for the addicted to dark haired men disease

[violet-bridgerton]

I never thought we'd end like this

happy holidays @moirainesedai beloved!!

[lennon666]

The Trips that Never Were

John Lennon - (Just Like) Starting Over, Double Fantasy, 1980

Paul McCartney - If You Wanna, Flaming Pie, 1997