#romo favorable aro

[aro-culture-is]

hi! a question:

i'm not sure if i might be aro?

i'm obsessed with romance, i constantly daydream about having a partner and i wish i could date somebody (i never have).

but i recently realised that i've never actually met anyone i would genuinely feel romantic feelings for. i've had crushes, but those were only based on looks and usually disappeared once i got to know the person better and realised i didn't even want to be friends with them. but i never felt attracted to any of my actual friends either.

all of the romance i feel is for imaginary lovers. i know that being fictoromantic is a thing, but i actually really want to be in love with a real person, in real life.

maybe i just haven't met the right person yet? but then again i'm almost eighteen and at this age, almost everyone has at least tried to date somebody, even if for a short time.

i'm also kind of introverted and socially awkward, so maybe that could play a role?

i'm just wondering whether this could mean that i can't feel romantically towards anyone and that i will never get the love i've always so desperately wanted. i honestly don't want to be aro. but the more i learn about aro people the more i seem to relate to some of them. i never thought i could be aro so this confuses me. i hope i'm wrong. but i wanted a second opinion. i know you don't know me but what do you think, could i be aro?

sorry for the long post. and thank you if you choose to answer. :)

this definitely sounds like a possible aro experience. you may want to look into cupioromantic, romo aro, romance favorable aromantic, and/or lovequeer aro as terms that could help you to better conceptualize your experience. you can find definitions for all of those here, at AUREA, with the exception of lovequeer.

i'd like to invite others to post their definitions of lovequeer in the reblogs/comments for this post, since I am not lovequeer and due to disability lost track of what definitions ended up being decided on. further, one of y'all should see if AUREA's terms can be updated to include lovequeer :)

[pondererswandererswonders]

Aros/arospecs of Tumblr, suggest some songs to me that you find aro-coded, or [insert] attraction-coded, and I'll see if I can add it to my Spotify aromantic playlist!

Here's the link to my playlist to check out what I already have, though it's kind of long as shit: A Gift From A Loveless Something

[abroachillean]

gg to my fellow aros who enjoy romance. its fun and we get to be living 'paradoxes' <2. romance is my favorite.

[amorous-apothipl]

I don't enjoy friendship but I greatly enjoy romance. Cheesy dating sims were basically made for me as they rarely succeed at being slow-burn. Established relationships are also quite nice.

[aroapl]

Shoutout to ALL aromantics! To aroaces, aroallos, neu aros, nonsam aros. To loveless aros and heartless aros. To lovequeer aros, lovelustic aros, arolovic aros. To aplatonic aros, afamilial aros, analterous aros. To nonaesthetic aros, asensual aros, anattractional aros. To aroqueers, unit aros, primaros. To romo aros, partnering aros, polyamorous aros. To nonpartnering aros and nonamorous aros. To polyplatonic and polyerosis aros. To romance favorable, romance indifference, romance averse, romance repulsed, and romance ambivalent aros. To arospecs of all kinds and questioning aros. To aros who love being aro and aros who still have a hard time with it. To aros that are out, loud, and proud, and aros that are closeted. To gay aros, straight aros, bi aros, and aros of every identity under the sun! To aros all over the world! Shoutout to aros!! You're all so wonderful!

[cosmossystem]

just saw a post from an asexual (in the tags) saying that they arent sex positive theyre "sex neutral" because why should they be positive about what other people do when theyre actively repulsed by it and i just. aside from all of the obvious problems with that statement, im really just reminded that kinky & sex-preferable aces and romance-favorable aros & aros in relationships truly are the black sheep of their own fucking communities. we cant just exist anywhere because yall gotta be fucking weird about it. whenever we remind people that we exist theres always the voice chiming in "but dont forget that not all aro/ace people are like that!! 😊😊 most of us are sex/romo repulsed!!!" yes thank you. i feel very included in my community

[transchaotic]

I'm not really loving people placing this discourse as "loveless aros vs romo-favorable and/or partnering aros" being a loveless romo-favorable partnering-aro. Loveless ≠ non-partnering. Loveless ≠ romo-averse. I'm loveless and all these things, and fucking cupioromantic, and I still have no idea what that person is trying to say

[selfidentifiednerdyprude]

I think an important thing to keep in mind when I talk about how some ace and aro people manage to get into a position where they're conditionally accepted by amatonormative society as long as they seem to be appropriately interested in sex and romance is that like. I'm not saying "if you're interested in sex and romance then fuck you, you're a class traitor and you don't belong here" or anything like that. I think talking about this has angered a lot of people in the past specifically because they assume I'm attacking them for their interests when I'm very much not.

The acceptance I'm talking about very much is conditional. If you have it, you have it because the "favorable" part of your identity is more visible to those who are granting you that acceptance than the "aromantic" and/or "asexual" part(s) of your identity. But if that is reversed, if one day your boundaries around sex and/or romance change in a way that isn't as entertaining to the people who currently think you're One Of The Good Ones, you won't have that conditional acceptance anymore.

When I say that our advocacy has to center those who cannot ever be accepted as One Of The Good Ones, it's not because I hate sex-favorable aces or romo aros. I care a great deal about both groups actually. The reason I believe that indefinite refusers and sex/romance-averse and repulsed people should be prioritized in ace/aro activism is because if we are accepted unconditionally, then so is everyone else, and if we are an acceptable target, anyone in the community can be one too.

[lawofcollage]

This is the Romo Aro flag.

“A romantic aromantic, an opt in umbrella term for aros who are romance favorable, partnering, lovequeer, experience some amount of romantic attraction (ex greyros or arospecs), desire romantic attraction or relationships, or otherwise identify with the term. ; seems or feels “too romantic to be aromantic””

Redbubble, Threadless

Looking for a collection of pride flags year round? Check out my Coffee Table Book of Pride Flags full of fun queer art here!

[aro-culture-is]

Romance-favorable Aro culture is thinking you were Allo because you only saw Romance-repulsed Aro rep… until you stumbled on a Romance-positive Aro blog, then read about Romance Stances, and suddenly realized that thinking “oh I don’t hate romance so I must not be Aro (even though I’ve never felt romantic attraction haha)” was actually the just Amatonormativity talking and you’re a massive Aromantic 💚🤍🖤

.

[ask-asexual-crystal-gems]

I'll bite, how do you find poly people to just tag along with? And why wouldn't constantly being around people in a relationship, while not *really* being a part of it yourself, not make the whole feeling worse?

The same way you find Comic Cons, generalized interest groups, meetups, clubs, or any other queer groups. The internet.

For context: this person seems to have read my suggestion for aro people to link up with poly people because they don’t do the toxic monogamy scarcity-mindset of love thing, which results in neglecting or jettisoning friendships.

Anon, if you are put off by the idea of gaining more social bonds in this way, consider:

(1) you may not actually be wholly aromantic, but be a cupioromatic (you actively want to be in a romantic relationship, you just don’t have the same feelings about it or drive for it as an allo)

OR

(2) you may have some internalized arophobia to work out (bonds you form with people as an aromantic are conceptualized as ‘inferior’ when relationship anarchy says they’re not. This is an absorbed idea from society that makes you feel bad by affecting how you view things)

(3) you’re carrying baggage from friends dumping you for romo bonds. (this is subconsciously reminding you of those shitty experiences)

If it’s (1), the solution is to simply have a romantic (but not sexual, if you don’t want that, if not ‘favorable ace’) relationship with the polycule (or a given person within the polycule)

If it’s (2) or (3) that’s gonna take some self-reflection and some sorting through feelings to release them.

It is VERY common for aces and aros to offer open relationships to partners they obtain, so they can get those sexual or romantic desires met elsewhere.

In this, you get your need met- have a partner, maybe even a primary partner, and they get theirs met.

This doesn’t always happen in the context of both people being already-familiar with poly, but it IS one of the reasons poly is perfectly positioned to shore up ace/aro loneliness.

@miloway

[aro-sora]

Terms (in case you aren’t familiar with some)

Aromantic: the option for strictly aro, not experiencing any romantic attraction

Demiromantic: not experiencing attraction until a strong emotional connection is formed

Grayromantic: feeling attraction is in the “gray area” (ie, low amounts, rarely, or in specific circumstances)

Frayromantic: attraction fades once a strong emotional bond is formed

Cupioromantic: not experiencing attraction but desiring a romantic relationship

Lithromantic: experiences attraction but does not want it reciprocated

Quoiromantic: not romantically categorizable (ie, can’t tell what romantic attraction is, unsure about experiencing attraction, not feeling attraction is relevant)

Recipromantic: only experiencing attraction after knowing it is reciprocated

Desinoromantic: not feeling “full-on” attraction or romantically loving someone/only “liking” someone

I wanted to include so many more like heartless/loveless/lovequeer/romo favorable/romo repulsed/etc but couldn't fit them 😭 Let me know if you have specifics!

This is For Science so please reblog for a bigger sample size 💚

[avpdculture]

(romo favorable) aro avpd culture is loving the idea of romance in fiction, but only being willing to even try it with your safe person if you even have one. you're not quite romantically attracted to them but it's as close as you can get

~

[our-alterous-experience]

What kind of relationship would you want with someone you have alterous feelings for? Would you be open to a romantic relationship with an allo, or would it be a qpr? or sth else?

Honestly i think this is what makes the alterous experience such a diverse thing.

I’ve dated two people since i’ve came out aro/apl/alterous. I started dating someone while I was still coming to find out what alterous was. And that relationship it was implied my allo(?) partner said their feelings weren’t exactly romantic or platonic either. Since then I’ve also more directly embraced polyamory around the time before I met my current boyfriend. I’m not sure if he’s romo pilled @ me but we r gay at each other and we are dating.

I think what’s important to me is that who I’m dating knows I won’t feel romantic feelings Like That, I won’t experience platonic feelings, it’s something much different and expansive in its own way. That being said I’m very devoted to certain ideas related to romance so despite me being aroapl I really am relationship favorable.

I honestly haven’t had a relationship where I’ve heard someone talk about having direct romantic feelings for me. At least not in the most explicit way. I think it would be flattering and if I liked them like that it would make dating or pairing up viable which I’d probably enjoy!

But one of the largest reasons I was like. Oh im hella aplatonic bc. I always wanted queer relationship but was sooo uncomfortable with the idea of being in a qpr. And I think that’s just bc of the “platonic” implication. Because I don’t do platonic feelings. I think if someone did like me in a like platonic squish way, I don’t know how I would be actually comfortable dating that person? So idk it would have to be talked through.

I like dating people who are attracted to me in queer ways and I would like dating someone who liked me romantically! I’ll never call my experience with someone a QPR but if my partner wanted to call it that I would just make it clear as possible that that’s not the same status I’m in. No matter how my partner liked me, if they were someone I genuinely really got along with I could probably trust them enough to love me in whatever their capacity is because we’ve built up a strong relationship, or we have the possibility of doing so in the future.

[aroacefounder]

Once again wishing that there was an identity based around the lived experience of hardline indefinite romantic and sexual refusal that was not also based around trying to police other people's personal choices in regards to sexual/romantic activity

All the people who want what I want in terms of community tend to be like. We're The True™ Aces/Aros type people (which I'm not, as much as I do not understand why a person who experiences partial/occasional attraction or interest would want to identify as ace/aro, I accept that many do because I don't have to understand another's lived experience to accept it) or like. Antisexuals, who genuinely fucking terrify me.

I would really like for an indefinite refusal community to exist without quibbling over who's a Valid (I hate that fucking word) Ace/Aro or trying to make sex illegal but I guess I'm shit out of luck and have to sit here pretending to have things in common with sex-favorable kinky cupiosexuals and romo aros if I want to have anything resembling community

[aroaceandetc]

Reading this post and the responses, and thinking about all the discussions I've witnessed in the aro communities, one thing I've come to realize is that there isn't any 'brand' of aro who hasn't voiced feeling unwelcome in the community before. Romo aros say they feel unwelcome because they aren't romance repulsed or still date or still feel some romantic attraction.

And on the flip side, I've seen loveless and aplatonic and really romance repulsed aros say they feel unwelcome because of how much 'but aros can still love their friends!' is used to 'humanize' us and the way qprs are simplified and idealized. And in my own experience, most people I've seen say they are romance repulsed is more in a 'egh do Not want to date' kind of way, but they still like romance in stories and ships and all that, which can make aros who are repulsed enough to really not feel comfortable with any of that feel like a minority.

Arguably the only aros who seem to kinda be well represented in the community are mildly romance-repulsed plato-favorable aroaces who like romance in media and have or are pursuing a qpr, which...is a very small and specific group of people who probably have still managed to feel left out sometimes.

All this to say, I think the aro community is big enough now that different sections have slightly different problems - because I don't believe any of these people are lying about their experiences of feeling unwelcome. There are people who ARE bashing on romance and alienating romo aros, and there ARE people dismissing or dehumanizing aros who dislike romance.

Everyone has their own personal relationship with - and emotional baggage associated with, generally - romance, platonicism, sexuality, and their experiences with them in the community, and I think probably everyone could work on being aware of when they're speaking in a public space and have to be mindful not to step on any toes vs when they're in a space you can just vent (and try to keep in mind which space you're entering as well).

Blogs are traditionally places you can vent. Old school ones I'd say are still good for that. But places like tumblr are extremely public, and I think a lot of harm comes from public vent posts and knee-jerk reactions to those posts spiraling because there's no moderation or sense of context in a site that puts anything you post into the public tag, sometimes even when you don't tag it.

aros: we NEED to talk about how we treat romance in this community, because the way things are is really bad

first off, being romance repulsed is completely ok. being loveless or heartless is completely ok. I'm not asking any of you to suddenly turn over a new leaf and love (or even like) romance.

however, we've gotta stop treat romance like some dirty awful thing that we should hate and shame. romance is integral to the identities of a GOOD chunk of allosexual (and even arospec!) queer people. gay people did not fight for their right to love who they love just for you to say their love is wrong. because that's what you're saying when you say romance is icky—youre saying queer expression is icky, too

bashing gay romance because you're sex repulsed is no better than a homophobe bashing gay romance because they're homophobic, and actually just makes it easier for anti-queer rhetoric to get into your head. and no, bashing cishet romance only doesn't work either. there's LOTS of queer people who "appear" cishet, whether they're trans or bi or ace or aro, even. you cannot be romance negative AND respect queer people who participate in romance

stop demonizing romance, you're hurting your queer siblings when you do so