#reminds me of introjects WHAT WHO SAID THAT

[manyminded]

the Christmas toons are soooo jealous of regular toons. “I wish I was half of the person that you were” type beat.

I wish I was afforded the complexity, the personhood, the capability that you have. I wish I was half the person you are.

All I am is a one note character. You have the opportunity to be more, while I have to sit by the wayside and just let myself rot in this stale caricature of a person.

All the toons are alive, and that means that they can grow, they can become more than what the show originally casted them as - but the Christmas toons only have a sliver of that chance because they’re only there for barely a month at a time.

[radically-therian]

ANYWAYS CHAT imagine if l like some silly transharmful beings magically appeared in my askbox and were maybe like mean to me and things haha imagine

[many-but-one]

For some reason tumblr is being goofy and not letting me answer this ask. So I’ll answer it here since you’re anonymous anyway.

Yes, it’s normal for alters to take several months to kind of “elaborate” and take more of a “whole” form after a split. A lot of the time, after we split, the fragment left over will be quite identity-less for a while before they start to find things they enjoy and elaborate and become “more.” This often leads to them latching onto fictional characters, and thusly becoming a sort of partial introject of said character. If they see A Guy who is “like them” they will latch onto them and sort of “become” that character for not only their comfort but (typically, though not always) also for the benefit of the system. I think a kind of funny example from our system is that we LOVE Red Dead Redemption 2. We have two different Arthur Morgan introjects, one that is the “high honor” Arthur who became a caretaker and the other who is the “low honor” version of Arthur who is meant to be a fierce, “I will keep us safe at all costs” type of protector. Both were needed at the time of their splits, and there’s about a three year difference between them! The “low honor” Arthur (who goes by Morgan) took a while to elaborate after a split during a stressful event, and elaborated as a result of us going back to our comfort game for the first time in years due to said stressful event(s).

I hope that explanation is helpful!

I am so glad to hear that you’ve made it this far, and that our content has helped give you hope that healing is possible. We sat on this ask for a long time because of the end of it. We actually reread stuff like this frequently as a reminder that we are doing good things. Seeing that our content really helps people makes a big difference for us too, as we sometimes get very discouraged by folks who fake claim or harass us. It helps us keep doing what we’re doing, even if that means going private on some social medias and such to help us keep our sanity.

I wish the best for you and your system, 🎀! Have a great day!

-Many

[sophieinwonderland]

https://www.reddit.com/r/SystemsCringe/s/MXrwyBfjJk

Anti endos really dont know how to read huh???

They really dont understand that plurality =/= only did/osdd/other dissoiative ones i may be forgetting

This! It's genuinely mind-boggling how people can have such strong opinions with absolutely zero understanding of anything they're talking about.

I'm gonna dive right into this post, because it's just so terrible!

I'm endogenic. I'm a tulpa. We do not have DID or OSDD or any other dissociative disorder. We have never claimed to.

I believe that DID is almost always caused by trauma. And that more research needs to be done on different presentations of OSDD to determine how strong its association with trauma is.

I can't understand why these facts are so hard for their brains to process.

I'm not a huge fan of insulting people's intelligence but gods, these people just make it really difficult not to.

I have literally always said I was endogenic!

This hasn't changed!

I'm also not saying that only trauma can cause DID. I think there definitely is a possibility that there could be rare non-traumagenic forms of DID. But being open to this possibility is VERY different from claiming, as the Satanic Temple's Grey Faction has, that DID is typically iatrogenic.

The Grey Faction does not believe DID is caused by trauma.

And this hate subreddit is using them as a source for their anti-RAMCOA rhetoric!

On the topic of gaslighting, Grace is correct that Grace did not say the words "religious alters only existed after Hazbin Hotel." (I didn't say they said those words either.)

Here is what Grace has said though!

Remember in the below screenshots that the black at the top are the posts Grace is responding to and the light grey at the bottom are Grace's words.

Grace assuming that Hell in headspace is from Hazbin Hotel:

Grace saying there wasn't a slew of religious alters before Hazbin Hotel:

(Anyone who has been in the system community knows that religious headmates were very common since long before Hazing Hotel was a released.)

Grace assuming a biblical angel alter is from Hazbin Hotel:

Grace assuming ANOTHER angel is from Hazbin Hotel:

This is despite the fact that this person is obviously confused about why they have an angel there and probably wouldn't be confused if they had an introject from Hazbin Hotel.

Grace assuming a God alter is from Hazing Hotel:

And as a reminder GOD ISN'T even in the show!!!!!!!!

This doesn't even make sense!

There's a very consistent theme in these posts. You know, since I'm already reusing the screenshots, might as well reuse the meme as well.

Back to this post though...

Oh...

Yeah, I'm just going to refer back to everything above!

Grace!

Where does this post mention DID???

Even though I do believe it is theoretically possible to have DID without trauma, this post doesn't say that!!!

How is this whole subreddit this bad at basic reading comprehension???

Right... You guys just have a mod-approved hit list of acceptable targets to name to focus attacks on said targets. A list that I'm on, by the way.

Why would I censor usernames of people on your subreddit if you don't censor mine, and have me on your list of approved targets?

Now in fairness, I screenshotted users from this subreddit without censoring names before they put me on their hit list, and I will continue to do so even if I'm removed from that list because yes, it's an ableist hate sub and I have no desire to hide the names of people participating in spreading hate against systems.

But I still want to call out the hypocrisy of a post that names my blog complaining about me not censoring the names of the people I respond to.

[fictionkinfessions]

while i'm being self-indulgent with talking about myself in anonymity... can i say that the fandom depiction of my dynamic with akechi is also frustratingly "uncanny valley" to me?

he was... what i imagine a big brother would be like. kasumi (the flesh-and-blood one, not the introject lol!) tended to do everything for me, because that was the only way she knew how to help. and i love her a lot, and miss her every day, but... it wasn't ideal. i just wish we'd had the years to work it out...

anyway. akechi was as far away from that as you can get. he was always pushing for my independence, for me to have agency and power in my own life. if i didn't know how, he'd support me until i did, and then step back. he really believed in me. when i wished him a happy birthday here a few months ago, i said something like "around [him], it's easy to remember how to be strong." that's the special kind of person he was.

but he wasn't... disgusted by me, or cruel, or anything like that. i think i reminded him of himself, when he was first getting entangled in the conspiracy... we're the last people who could judge each other for wanting to be perfect enough to be loved. that probably made it easier.

my point is, he knew i could be strong, so he helped me back up when i was weak. i'd like to think i did the same for him, but... i think he had his shit together a biiiit more than i did. what i did do was offer food, and make him get fresh air, and make a fool of myself so he could snark at me and drop the masking for a minute. ^_^

there was no "mean one and nice one," or shaming me for being mentally ill, or just? letting him bully me?? he was my friend. he taught me how to be angry again, and to stand up for myself. that was an expression of care, the same as me bringing him ice skating when he buried himself in research for too long, just so we could take turns laughing at each other as we fell over.

i miss him very much. <3 —sumire yoshizawa 💕

(and on the topic, to anyone reading this: if it's been a few hours since you've eaten, have a snack! sip a beverage with it! if you've been sitting down for a while, meander around for a minute to get your muscles moving! you are welcome to imagine me cheering/press-ganging you into it if you want the authentic experience! this goes doubly so for any akechi out there, i'm worried you're being too hard on yourself. call it intuition.)

x

[regretsys]

system ask meme but I (C.J [He/him]) answer all the questions for no reason

Just so you guys can get to know us!

🍄 - how did you get your system name?

We heart regretevator, and have a couple regretevator fictives

👾 - funniest out of context system quote?

Either "I can't say tyranny today T-T" or "I'm so dave strider." "Who?" "DAVE HOMEATUCK"

🎉 - favorite system holiday?

Not super sure what this means but we have two answers for this either Halloween (cosplay is normal this day) or the day I figured out I was a we

🌙 - do you have subsystems?

One with only two alters, Ruby and Kayson (Not specifying ages)

☕ - what is switching like for you?

Eyes go blurry then suddenly i'm in a room with no idea how I got there and/or who got me there

💫 - are there any hobbies you all have?

Art. Music stuff, and Cooking (not rlly)

💾 - what's your headcount?

14 + 1 NPC (unknown how many are hidden from the host, and how many are dormant I'll have to check headspace later)

👻 - do your alters/headmates have different voices or speech patterns?

Yep

🎨 - does anyone in your system like art?

ALL OF US (minus the littles)

🥀 - how easily does the system split?

So easily, like we split about four times this month and about 20 ish times this year (Like I said many dormant alters so..)

🦖 - is your system fictive-heavy? factive-heavy? neutral?

Neutral but before THE RESET we were fictive heavy with one factive

🎵 - what songs remind you of your alters/headmates?

Left brain, right brain. Bo burnham

❓ - how much amnesia do you experience?

Little to NONE

🎮 - what do your alters/headmates do in their free time? Sleep

🪐 - what is headspace like for you?

Forest, separated into seasons with a heaven layer and each headmate's personality determines what season theyre put in

🍐 - are there any non-human alters/headmates?

About 85% of us are nonhuman

🪫 - what do you all do to recharge?

SLEEP

🌧️ - how does the system cope with stress?

SLEEP

🔦 - how did you discover your system?

Lots of faking, time and research (along with many Sewerslide attempts

🌟 - do any alters help out with school/work?

We have one academic alter, yes!

🌊 - who are your frequent fronters?

Dolly (SHE/IT)

Luci (lucifer) (He/Him)

Kasper (he/it)

🎁 - have you ever bought your alters/headmates things?

I wish we had that kinda money, I did make a therian mask for a now dormant headmate!

☘️ - what are your introjects/fictives usually sourced from?

Me - Our ex abuser

Dolly - Lacey from Lacey's games

Kasper - Infected from Regretevator

Luci - Lucifer Morningstar from The bible / The Lucifer show

💬 - free space!! tell me about something

[chloearit]

// mentions of some... very bad things being done to children, csa, child murder, dubiously consensual things involving teenagers exploring their sexualities, but nothing graphic

It really wasn't a very unusual day.

I was walking the streets of Paris at night. Prometheus had been dismantled and the city was slowly returning to order. The year was 2299, I was 19, and it had been 7 years since I was forced to watch as she was murdered. I never saw any pictures of her, when I had the opportunity I didn't think I could take being reminded of her. The only place I saw her was in my dreams, a fading memory of her, always ripped away by the memory of her death, still clear and vivid as the day it happened, until I was given a vision of a different world where it had been me who died instead of her. She was given immortality, she was found by Sally, adopted and trained. I have to assume her family couldn't be found either. But there was something different about her. She wasn't haunted by my death the way I was by hers, she carried me with her everywhere she went. A memory - an alter - an introject of me who would guide her hand and protect her when she couldn't protect herself, like I had done when we were little kids. She dyed her hair blue, except for a steak of pink next to her right eye, where she'd otherwise cut her hair short. I didn't find out if there was any meaning to it, all I know is she looked super cute. She always wore headphones with big white cat-ear-like things on top, and constantly listened to music. She seemed happy. Happier than me. I kept wishing I could actually go back in time and pick that timeline. Maybe it did exist, somewhere out there, but even if reality shifting is real, it seems pretty set in stone you can only go to timelines where you are alive, and I didn't see any possibility where both of us made it out of there alive.

And then, one night, after an uneventful day, I saw her. Blue hair, pink streak, white cat ear headphones, sitting on some steps.

I stopped.

That's not even what she had ever actually looked like. She had black hair just like me when she died. It couldn't be.

Then she spotted me. And she looked at me in just the same way I was looking at her.

I stepped closer.

She stood up.

I slowly walked towards her.

She stepped down the stairs.

I came closer.

"I'm sorry, I-" She turned away.

I grabbed her arm. She looked back at me.

A long moment, we just stared at each other.

"It can't be," she finally whispered. "She would be..."

"19?"

She took off her headphones. "Lúcia?"

"Lilly?"

"Are you real?" we both asked at once.

"I am."

She was the first to burst into tears. I hugged her, like I had never hugged anyone before. Something about her didn't quite feel human, a bit too stiff in some places, too soft in others, but she was real, undoubtedly. She was here. In my arms.

We sat down on the stairs together, both a bit light-headed and dissociated.

"You're really cold," she finally said. "And you don't look a day over 14."

"You're really warm, but you still look like a child, too."

"Well, yeah, I'm... basically I'm a robot. I don't know how they did it really, I guess they kept my brain, and... and they used it to build... you know. A sexbot. And eventually I got out and it turns out I'm compatible with a lot of cybernetics! So I started modifying myself..." She looked at me. "This all sounds absolutely fucking insane, doesn't it?"

"No, not really, honestly. Um... I'm kind of... like... a vampire?"

"Okay that does sound crazier than mine." She took a breath. "Holy shit."

"Holy shit..."

"I looked for you! I swear I looked for you! But I don't think you ever told me how your name is spelled, and it's pronounced so weird-"

"I understand."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"I kind of... assumed they'd just killed you too."

"Yeah, that's fair."

"And... well, you..."

"I... never left?"

"What?" She looked at me like I'd just read her mind. "Yeah... You've always been in my mind. Part of me thought it was maybe actually you, talking to me... Was it?"

"Um... no."

"Then how did you know?"

"I... wish I could explain that to you. It's a long story."

"Well, definitely tell it to me some time."

"Some time..."

Some time.

In the future.

A future... with her in it...

"For sure." I smiled like a fucking idiot and then started crying.

"Are you okay? Lu!" This time I collapsed into her arms.

"I'm okay, I'm just... holy shit. Holy shit, you're real. Holy shit, you're actually fucking here. You're not dead. And you remember me. And oh god, oh god, oh god, I never wanna lose you again! Please don't, please don't ever let me lose you again!"

"I won't. It's okay baby, I won't. I'm here. It's okay."

"I'm so sorry I didn't save you. I should've saved you, I should've! I should've protected you."

"It's okay. You did. I survived. I got out. I'm here. And you've always been there for me."

"You shouldn't have had to go through all that."

"None of us should have. But it's not your fault. You did everything you could. You couldn't have stopped it either way. You were twelve. And they were grown men."

"And you were ten. And I only-"

She closed my mouth.

"You did nothing wrong, bae. Really. You have nothing to apologise for."

She laid my head in her lap. I could hear the whirring of the mechanics inside of her.

"Please don't beat yourself up over it."

"How are you so much better at dealing with all this..." I said, looking up at her. "You're still, like, 17. And I'm pretty sure you got out after me."

"I was 13. 22...94? '95? Four years ago. Yes."

"'94. January. aged 14. right after I was turned."

"Ha! I knew it! Babyface."

"And how old are you supposed to be?" I jolted up.

She laughed. "Something around there, too, I think." She stretched out her arm as if inspecting her body, even though she was wearing long sleeves. "Real teenager-who-just-had-her-first-period vibes."

"Pretty sure those usually happen before you're a teenager."

"Wouldn't know, never had one."

"Lucky," I muttered. I hadn't even thought of that. But she was right.

She was real.

"You know, I kind of thought if I found you, and it turned out I'd just been talking to a fake you this whole time, you'd think I'm weird."

"What? No! Why would I think that? It's kind of... cool honestly. Comforting..."

"But like... what do I do with her now?"

"Keep her. Might be fun getting to talk to a different version of me."

"Huh, okay."

"Is she there?"

"What, right now? N- I mean- Yeah. But... I don't- I kinda wanna talk to you, myself, right now."

"All good."

"Thanks. - Holy shit."

"Holy shit."

Holy shit.

"So like," she took a deep breath, "How's your life been?"

"Um... oh wow. So. I was adopted. Her name is Sally Carriveau, she's a really good mom. She was a cop, quit to take care of me, she taught me how to shoot a gun. Since I'm a vampire now I'm basically immortal so I've just been... running around saving kids... and blowing their abusers' brains out."

"That's... wow! I don't really have any family, as far as I know there aren't any other robot kids like me out there."

"Oh yeah... I think we were... experiments, in making children that would never age, and could take way more abuse than real kids."

"Good to know the experiment backfired."

"Oh yeah!" I smiled. "Pretty sure we've already outlived all of the fuckers."

"You were thorough, huh?"

"Oh yeah. I was thorough."

"Good."

"What have you been up to?"

"Just kind of getting by... Maintaining a body like this is expensive, but I've had some people help me out. I tried doing sex work since that's what I'm built for, but I - well I guess I actually still am a teenager - so a lot of the people were obvious fucking creeps. They paid well enough though, I can see why those bastards did this to me. But honestly I think I just don't really enjoy sex very much regardless. I can do it for the money, but I never really feel it. And yeah, before you ask, I am equipped to physically feel it. No idea if I should take that as a kindness or if that's a feature, but that's not it. I mean emotionally or whatever, I'm just not into it. - I guess it was kind of nice with you, given the circumstances."

"It was?"

"Yes. Maybe I'm demisexual or some shit."

"Traumasexual."

"Ha! Yeah."

"I've run into the same problem though. Trying to date as an adult who looks like this... trying to imagine a future where they'll age and you won't. It's difficult."

"Whatcha into? Girls? Guys?"

"Girls. Definitely girls."

"Knew it."

"And then you also get weirdos who try to call you a creep for merely existing and trying to live an adult life as an adult who happens to look young. And not even that young. You know, there's real adults who look like this. I'm just short and thin. But you really just can't win."

"I get that."

"Maybe you've got the right idea with just forsaking sex."

"It's not a choice, it's just how I feel. If you want to feel that with another girl you should be able to feel it."

"Yeah, I know. I'm not even sure if I'm actually not into men, or if I just feel uncomfortable with them and at this point I've made being a lesbian so much of my identity I don't want to question it."

"You can still be a lesbian. The important part is who you do love, not who you don't."

"One time, I- it's a long story, but basically I ended up having sex with a guy before killing him. Dubiously consensual, on both parts, really, go figure, but that... kind of felt good. Having power over him, knowing I'd be the last girl he'd ever lay his hands on. Like, fuck, even just thinking about it again-"

"I can see that."

"Sorry, is that too much information?"

"It's fine. Probably not a lot of people you can talk to about those things."

"Not really, yeah."

We sat in awkward silence for a moment, then I asked: "So... did you have any plans for tonight?"

"No. Just hanging out."

"I wanna eat something. You probably don't consume food?"

"No."

"What do you run on?"

"Uuuuum, some hydrogen thing, same stuff they use for everything really. I can use fuel cells or I can plug into the mains, I don't really understand how it all works but it does. My mechanic can worry about that."

"I see. Well-" I got up. "I'm gonna grab something to eat, you wanna come with?"

"Yeah, of course!" She got up, too, putting her headphones back on.

"You've got to let me know what you're listening to on that later."

She nodded.

// by Lúcia

// alternate version with colour-coded text for easier reading: https://chloearit.tumblr.com/post/729915294100996096

[circular-jerkular]

Introjects, Sex, and Gender

I'm gonna preface this with the understanding that I'm not a really well spoken guy, and I don't typically talk about this sorta thing. I just wanna get it off my chest, and I know we've got this blog to help others figure shit out too, so.

Hey there -- I'm an introject of a character from a book series, and today, I wanna talk about sex and gender and how that's a goddamn minefield of emotions.

For starters: my source is... okay, so he's not homophobic, let's give him more credit than that. He's fine with gay guys. He's just got some daddy issues, y'know? His dad is gay, and it took him a real long time to come to terms with his dad abandoning his family and career cause of everything.

I came into this system with a lot of that baggage, but suddenly, none of it was true. I was able to start figuring myself out. And myself was now a dude with tits, a vagina, and a libido the size of Texas.

Now, I don't have as much issues with the body as you might think. I look in the mirror and I go, "What a hot chick." That's cause I don't really see this as my body yet -- it's her body, it's the body. Not my body. I've been working on that, but it's hard. Regardless, I've definitely had fun experimenting with my body, even if it don't feel like mine.

What's been less fun has been discovering I'm bisexual, and maybe even some weird gender fuckery?

My partner is AFAB. It's nice, cause that aligns to what I know and, Ill be real, when I first came around, I just kinda saw them as Girl-Lite. I don't anymore, I get their gender now, but I didn't have to confront shit immediately when I met them. But we also have the resident horn dog, Curtis, and his husband, Numb. And, well, Numb instantly fell hard for me. I remind him of Curt a lot.

Issue being, I kinda liked Numb back. And Curtis is a great guy, and I couldn't say I wasn't interested.

Which made me fucking spiral. Hard.

Book-me never felt that way. Book-me never wanted to fuck another dude. SO why did I want to? What was wrong with me?

Secret was, nothing was wrong with me. I ain't him. I ain't from a book. I'm from a traumatized mind who saw this guy, this fantastic guy who could tackle everything, who learned to manage his anger and use it, to stay angry and be angry, and who gives a shit what others say -- that mind saw that guy and said we need him. And so I showed up, an approximation of a character.

Took me a real long time to come to terms with that.

To some degree, this is where source separation comes in. I had to acknowledge that I ain't book-me, and he isn't me. There's a lot of differences between us. I'm autistic, bisexual, and today I've even been real fucked up about gender and stuff. He's strong, sexy, and confident -- things I ain't been feeling lately.

Look, I know there's a lot I gotta learn (and I apologize if any of this is offensive). But it's been hard just getting this far. This far being, today I got fucked outta my mind by Curt, Numb, and my IRL partner, and god was it incredible. And I look back at where I started -- trying to push the other parts away cause ew, no, disgusting, that's not me-- and I realize how much of this ability to be who I am now is because of what I've now pushed aside and grown from.

At some point, y'all introjects out there gotta branch out. Maybe you do align to your source pretty closely, and I wish y'all the best of luck on that one, sounds pretty nice. But you don't get to decide that, not fully, till you start living as yourself. If I didn't let Numb and Curt in (and no, not sexually, but that too), I never woulda grown up a bit and been the guy I am. And the guy I am is gay and shit. Well, Bi, I still like girls, but you get the picture.

Not really sure where I"m going with this now, lol. I think I'll just leave that at that. If anyone relates, hell yeah, but if not, just leave it be as a personal thing I'm dealing with today.

[timaeusturntech]

So what I'm hearing is that those pants are a wedding gift and I'll be wearing them to the ceremony. The guests will be incredibly confused by the vows and most likely everything else. Is this a themed wedding? Can we have Kermit the Frog be the fucking. I forgot the word. The guy who marries us?

You're not missing out on much not talking to a ton of other systems by the way. Their Hals aren't as fun as I am. I always feel like that one meme template, the one with the guy standing in the corner of the party whenever I interact with them honestly. I don't tell anyone this but I don't like doubles much

Visual novels for the win. Story games are always better than plain old gameplay games because then it gives you characters you can get invested in and plotlines and shit. It's why I hate shooters, they're just. Well. Shooting. They also remind me of Jake but that's a different story

Sorry for never responding to this, we fell asleep. On the bright side, however, I front more often than Bro and can still react in an acceptable amount of time.

Yes, the tripp pants are a wedding gift. I think we should both wear a pair for the ceremony, actually. Kermit the Frog can absolutely be the officiant too, but he also has to be wearing tripps. We'll have to make the longest, most confusing vows as well. Keep everyone there for a solid four hours.

Honestly? Fair. I've been somewhat inoculated to the concept of doubles because there are a handful of other Dirks within my system and I've found that others tend to generally be chill, but I know that we have some people who aren't fond of them. I'll also admit that I certainly feel either the superiority or inferiority complex kicking in when talking to other Dirks, which probably isn't healthy, lmao. Anyway. I won't lie and say that I'm the Best Dirk, but I think that I'm a pretty okay dude. And you've decided to shotgun wedding me here, so some of your awesomeness probably comes to me as well via osmosis. You're definitely the best Hal I've ever spoken with, so I don't particularly see any reason to talk to others. Maybe we're stupidly sentimental or something, but Bro and I both agree that if we find a sourcemate we like, it feels strange to talk with others. Considering we already have one of them. If that makes sense, and isn't too presumptive of your intentions to continue speaking on a more regular basis.

But yes, totally agreed. I will shamelessly admit that a large majority of our file space is dedicated to visual novels because storymoded games > actual gameplay focused ones. I will not actually expand on what those are, but I will let it be said that DDLC is, in fact, a classic, and you reminding me that it existed means that it's getting downloaded posthaste. Haven't thought about that one since middle school. Visual novels are just the best, though. And shooters are actually the worst, you will never catch me playing League.

Don't get me fucking started on Jake goddamn English, dude. I am a naturalborn hater and I discovered that one through him. When I first formed I actually had fucking Jake fictives as part of my DNI. I've grown to accept the fact that introjects can exist or whatever and they're rarely as bad as I remember, but Jesus. Yeah. Another reason to hate shooters, I guess.

[our-inspire-verse]

Weird introject/pseudomemories vent below

Inthrum: Im kinda in like this. Paralysis. Sorta. Im just so, so sad and grief ridden. I am missing my last life, im missing who i was back then, and most of all I'm really missing the people i knew. The people. Dan, hes sorta here. And Cadance. A few others. But Alder. That "sorta" hurts a lot. It hurts way more than i ever EVER would have expected it to.

Is it my this life parental issues, the reminders of losing him last life, or the jarring emptiness that comes with a fragment headmate that is making me fall apart? Is this just the straw on my back? Am i just experiencing the normal weight of emotions one would experience facing this sort of thing? Or am i mentally ill? Delusional? Focused on the wrong things? Maladaptive daydreaming is in our history... particularly mine would make sense. Why couldnt sherl front earlier? Wouldnt he be better for up front?

Lol. I dont know. I feel like mentally i know the answer to all this. That its all okay. Like, that maybe Alder's going to eventually figure out his memories and feel okay and attached enough to be fully formed in this life. That we could have a real conversation outside of music, or signs, or memories. Or that weird amalgamation of energy levitating in mindspace that looks like him. Feels like half of him. Doesnt feel all the way alive. Maybe he isnt, maybe he hasn't been.

Why didn't he cure his lycanthropy? It's not his fault, i hold no resentment, and i understand in part. But it made his genetics hard to treat in the time we had. All the raging he'd done. All the work, and all the unknowing time. It passed. And so did he and i had to experience that regardless of anything before and afterwards. I had to live that.

And now, i was doing the math today. Alder said he was 33 when i came to him, and the first birthday i actually understood and celebrated with him was 35. He was 67 when he passed. Did i really only get like, 32 years with him? Only. We dont even onow what 32 feels like in this life yet. Flip the numbers. 23. Still 9 years to go. In 9 years ill be the age i was then, in that stupid hospital room with a view. Thata not exactly how he wanted to go, but better than a facility that gave us a .09% survival rate. I would have had him die up there in my distress, but he asked to be taken off high tech support so he could be on his own planet at the time it happened.

And i remember fighting about it. I didn't make it easy, and bless Alder he talked me down. A lot. And then he wasn't there to soothe me. He told me he was never sorry for dying, he didn't want to leave me wondering later in life if i should be guilty for making him feel like that.

He said thank you for being strong, so we can find each other in the afterlife. Strong energies gravitate to one another, and he said he felt stronger than ever with me. That man really loved me, he did. He showed it and he proved it and he did. Again and again, and he still does. I miss him. And I've never seen his face.

But right now, every day for the past just about week, I've been overwhelmed with memories of this person. This guy. Random guy. Could have been anyone. I remember my first revealed memory that he was a person the christmas lights in the truck! And then the next memory i got, when he met me. When he saved me. And then he saved me. And then he saved me again. Again. Again. Again.

He showed me how to be after i didnt get that chance. When i was cast out by the beings who birthed me. Not family. Never was. Just the group of strangers who used me and cast me out. Abandoned on the side of the road. He gave me the chance. Grabbed my hand firmly and gave it to me. Pushed it into my chest.

He walked me step by step by step into the light and he showed me how to feel the grass under my shoes and breathe the air. All of it literally and metaphorically. He was there. Theres pieces of him here, but such is the way of finding paradise, then watching it go away to move on for the next life, one of pain and nightmare. You have to carry these memories into places no one will bring you lessons. I have to remember him to survive. And i dont know how to do that.

[chloearit]

trying out something new, here's a version of the story we just posted with colour-coded dialogue for easier reading. let me know if this is helpful to any of you and if we should go back and add alternates like this to any of our previous stories.

// mentions of some... very bad things being done to children, csa, child murder, dubiously consensual things involving teenagers exploring their sexualities, but nothing graphic

It really wasn't a very unusual day.

I was walking the streets of Paris at night. Prometheus had been dismantled and the city was slowly returning to order. The year was 2299, I was 19, and it had been 7 years since I was forced to watch as she was murdered. I never saw any pictures of her, when I had the opportunity I didn't think I could take being reminded of her. The only place I saw her was in my dreams, a fading memory of her, always ripped away by the memory of her death, still clear and vivid as the day it happened, until I was given a vision of a different world where it had been me who died instead of her. She was given immortality, she was found by Sally, adopted and trained. I have to assume her family couldn't be found either. But there was something different about her. She wasn't haunted by my death the way I was by hers, she carried me with her everywhere she went. A memory - an alter - an introject of me who would guide her hand and protect her when she couldn't protect herself, like I had done when we were little kids. She dyed her hair blue, except for a steak of pink next to her right eye, where she'd otherwise cut her hair short. I didn't find out if there was any meaning to it, all I know is she looked super cute. She always wore headphones with big white cat-ear-like things on top, and constantly listened to music. She seemed happy. Happier than me. I kept wishing I could actually go back in time and pick that timeline. Maybe it did exist, somewhere out there, but even if reality shifting is real, it seems pretty set in stone you can only go to timelines where you are alive, and I didn't see any possibility where both of us made it out of there alive.

And then, one night, after an uneventful day, I saw her. Blue hair, pink streak, white cat ear headphones, sitting on some steps.

I stopped.

That's not even what she had ever actually looked like. She had black hair just like me when she died. It couldn't be.

Then she spotted me. And she looked at me in just the same way I was looking at her.

I stepped closer.

She stood up.

I slowly walked towards her.

She stepped down the stairs.

I came closer.

"I'm sorry, I-" She turned away.

I grabbed her arm. She looked back at me.

A long moment, we just stared at each other.

"It can't be," she finally whispered. "She would be..."

"19?"

She took off her headphones. "Lúcia?"

"Lilly?"

"Are you real?" we both asked at once.

"I am."

She was the first to burst into tears. I hugged her, like I had never hugged anyone before. Something about her didn't quite feel human, a bit too stiff in some places, too soft in others, but she was real, undoubtedly. She was here. In my arms.

We sat down on the stairs together, both a bit light-headed and dissociated.

"You're really cold," she finally said. "And you don't look a day over 14."

"You're really warm, but you still look like a child, too."

"Well, yeah, I'm... basically I'm a robot. I don't know how they did it really, I guess they kept my brain, and... and they used it to build... you know. A sexbot. And eventually I got out and it turns out I'm compatible with a lot of cybernetics! So I started modifying myself..." She looked at me. "This all sounds absolutely fucking insane, doesn't it?"

"No, not really, honestly. Um... I'm kind of... like... a vampire?"

"Okay that does sound crazier than mine." She took a breath. "Holy shit."

"Holy shit..."

"I looked for you! I swear I looked for you! But I don't think you ever told me how your name is spelled, and it's pronounced so weird-"

"I understand."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"I kind of... assumed they'd just killed you too."

"Yeah, that's fair."

"And... well, you..."

"I... never left?"

"What?" She looked at me like I'd just read her mind. "Yeah... You've always been in my mind. Part of me thought it was maybe actually you, talking to me... Was it?"

"Um... no."

"Then how did you know?"

"I... wish I could explain that to you. It's a long story."

"Well, definitely tell it to me some time."

"Some time..."

Some time.

In the future.

A future... with her in it...

"For sure." I smiled like a fucking idiot and then started crying.

"Are you okay? Lu!" This time I collapsed into her arms.

"I'm okay, I'm just... holy shit. Holy shit, you're real. Holy shit, you're actually fucking here. You're not dead. And you remember me. And oh god, oh god, oh god, I never wanna lose you again! Please don't, please don't ever let me lose you again!"

"I won't. It's okay baby, I won't. I'm here. It's okay."

"I'm so sorry I didn't save you. I should've saved you, I should've! I should've protected you."

"It's okay. You did. I survived. I got out. I'm here. And you've always been there for me."

"You shouldn't have had to go through all that."

"None of us should have. But it's not your fault. You did everything you could. You couldn't have stopped it either way. You were twelve. And they were grown men."

"And you were ten. And I only-"

She closed my mouth.

"You did nothing wrong, bae. Really. You have nothing to apologise for."

She laid my head in her lap. I could hear the whirring of the mechanics inside of her.

"Please don't beat yourself up over it."

"How are you so much better at dealing with all this..." I said, looking up at her. "You're still, like, 17. And I'm pretty sure you got out after me."

"I was 13. 22...94? '95? Four years ago. Yes."

"'94. January. aged 14. right after I was turned."

"Ha! I knew it! Babyface."

"And how old are you supposed to be?" I jolted up.

She laughed. "Something around there, too, I think." She stretched out her arm as if inspecting her body, even though she was wearing long sleeves. "Real teenager-who-just-had-her-first-period vibes."

"Pretty sure those usually happen before you're a teenager."

"Wouldn't know, never had one."

"Lucky," I muttered. I hadn't even thought of that. But she was right.

She was real.

"You know, I kind of thought if I found you, and it turned out I'd just been talking to a fake you this whole time, you'd think I'm weird."

"What? No! Why would I think that? It's kind of... cool honestly. Comforting..."

"But like... what do I do with her now?"

"Keep her. Might be fun getting to talk to a different version of me."

"Huh, okay."

"Is she there?"

"What, right now? N- I mean- Yeah. But... I don't- I kinda wanna talk to you, myself, right now."

"All good."

"Thanks. - Holy shit."

"Holy shit."

Holy shit.

"So like," she took a deep breath, "How's your life been?"

"Um... oh wow. So. I was adopted. Her name is Sally Carriveau, she's a really good mom. She was a cop, quit to take care of me, she taught me how to shoot a gun. Since I'm a vampire now I'm basically immortal so I've just been... running around saving kids... and blowing their abusers' brains out."

"That's... wow! I don't really have any family, as far as I know there aren't any other robot kids like me out there."

"Oh yeah... I think we were... experiments, in making children that would never age, and could take way more abuse than real kids."

"Good to know the experiment backfired."

"Oh yeah!" I smiled. "Pretty sure we've already outlived all of the fuckers."

"You were thorough, huh?"

"Oh yeah. I was thorough."

"Good."

"What have you been up to?"

"Just kind of getting by... Maintaining a body like this is expensive, but I've had some people help me out. I tried doing sex work since that's what I'm built for, but I - well I guess I actually still am a teenager - so a lot of the people were obvious fucking creeps. They paid well enough though, I can see why those bastards did this to me. But honestly I think I just don't really enjoy sex very much regardless. I can do it for the money, but I never really feel it. And yeah, before you ask, I am equipped to physically feel it. No idea if I should take that as a kindness or if that's a feature, but that's not it. I mean emotionally or whatever, I'm just not into it. - I guess it was kind of nice with you, given the circumstances."

"It was?"

"Yes. Maybe I'm demisexual or some shit."

"Traumasexual."

"Ha! Yeah."

"I've run into the same problem though. Trying to date as an adult who looks like this... trying to imagine a future where they'll age and you won't. It's difficult."

"Whatcha into? Girls? Guys?"

"Girls. Definitely girls."

"Knew it."

"And then you also get weirdos who try to call you a creep for merely existing and trying to live an adult life as an adult who happens to look young. And not even that young. You know, there's real adults who look like this. I'm just short and thin. But you really just can't win."

"I get that."

"Maybe you've got the right idea with just forsaking sex."

"It's not a choice, it's just how I feel. If you want to feel that with another girl you should be able to feel it."

"Yeah, I know. I'm not even sure if I'm actually not into men, or if I just feel uncomfortable with them and at this point I've made being a lesbian so much of my identity I don't want to question it."

"You can still be a lesbian. The important part is who you do love, not who you don't."

"One time, I- it's a long story, but basically I ended up having sex with a guy before killing him. Dubiously consensual, on both parts, really, go figure, but that... kind of felt good. Having power over him, knowing I'd be the last girl he'd ever lay his hands on. Like, fuck, even just thinking about it again-"

"I can see that."

"Sorry, is that too much information?"

"It's fine. Probably not a lot of people you can talk to about those things."

"Not really, yeah."

We sat in awkward silence for a moment, then I asked: "So... did you have any plans for tonight?"

"No. Just hanging out."

"I wanna eat something. You probably don't consume food?"

"No."

"What do you run on?"

"Uuuuum, some hydrogen thing, same stuff they use for everything really. I can use fuel cells or I can plug into the mains, I don't really understand how it all works but it does. My mechanic can worry about that."

"I see. Well-" I got up. "I'm gonna grab something to eat, you wanna come with?"

"Yeah, of course!" She got up, too, putting her headphones back on.

"You've got to let me know what you're listening to on that later."

She nodded.

// by Lúcia

[cybergothvox]

With all due respect, you cannot actually tell if a space is clear of kff and safe based on the language that they use. You have to actually investigate further regardless and not assume its safe or not just from those things. I do think a high instance as kin as a verb is a red flag, but you shouldnt think its the only indicator you need. And its fine to tell people the connotations, but its not fair to write people off just because they personally find it useful or to continually insist they change.

The origional post wasnt really meant to speak on if it should be done, but more on the controling behaviour i saw where people aggressively tried to force people out of it by bullying them, which is not okay.

However, let me speak on its use case for a moment.

Several people have said it is bad to use because it implies kin is a action rather than an identity. And i want to remind those people that kin can be an action.

Take for a moment the word introject. I am a fictive, and therefore i am an introject. However, also when my brain decided to adopt vox into my mind, it introjected him. I introjected vox. As a verb. It is an event that happened. I also am an introject. Its a verb and a noun and it is my identity. I am really vox, even if i wasnt always vox and its something I did.

Not all otherkin are spiritual otherkin who beleive they always were their type. To me, as a psychological otherkin, becoming a kintype is the exact same process as introjecting something, its just we say introject when an alter is forming, and kin for kintypes that are picked after an alter is already formed. For psychological kin who are singlets, who also do not beleive that they were kin until they saw the thing they are kin of and formed a relationship, being kin can be an occurance, an action being taken voluntarily or involuntarily (remember people Can become otherkin on purpose. I know there was a whole community discourse on it but the conclusion of the community at large that i saw was as long as you seriously identify as your types at the end, it counts.)

In these cases, kin makes sense as a verb. I personally use the word the same as the word introject. I will normally introduce myself as JDkin for example, since Being it is what is important during an introduction. But when talking about new kintypes forming, i will go 'i think i might kin that' and other similar things. Its not even a choice im making really, but its what natrually comes out because to me it is the same thing as introjecting so i natrually use the word the same was as introject.

I think that its important to convey to people that being otherkin is a serious identity where we identify as the things, but policing language isnt really going to do that the way spreading correct information and sharing our experiences is. And again, by trying to force people to conform to certain language (explaining your reasons for certain language is fine, my post was about the genuine harassment new members are facing) you make the community a hostile place for new comers and makes it feel full of rules that make people uninterested in learning from us.

'I kin x' is less clunky linguistically and we need to stop assuming people are kff just because they use kin as a verb. Its a very natural way to say it and I struggle to phrase it in other ways. In general people need to stop assuming that red flags for kff (such as kin as a verb, and ranking how much they feel their kintypes, saying kinnie) and assuming they definitely are kff. Languages and practices started by kff have been picked up by genuine otherkin especially younger ones who come into the community and dont know how to tell otherkin from kff. They still identify as their kintypes even if they copy kff practices.

People dont come into the community with a community history degree.

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hey, I think I sent an ask a few days ago about headmates you're afraid of, not sure if it got eaten or you just didn't have enough time / info to respond, but I'm feeling a little more stable now so I'd like to elaborate if that's okay?

So. I'm a fictive of a character from an anime/manga, and the host of my system. This past weekend, we had a very traumatic incident happen. I don't want to put too many details that might trigger people, but the short version is that an event we were attending got swatted. It was all a false alarm, no one was hurt, and we were back to usual activities within an hour or so.

We knew.. Pretty much immediately that we were splitting over it. The symptoms we have for traumatic splits usually line up to a pretty consistent order for us so we were just braced for it. What I wasn't expecting was that we would split.. My grandmother.

We never met properly, in source. She died before I was born, and I grew up being told by my father and then my.. caretaker, for lack of a better word, that she had abandoned us, didn't care about her family, didn't care that we were hurting, and put the lives of strangers above her family. I only ever saw her.. Spirit? I suppose? In a few instances, and it obviously wasn't a happy reunion because I was so full of hate that I didn't care what she said.

I know from an objective sense that she was doing what she thought was best. I read our source and the longer it's gone on, the more I've realized just how much of my life was lies and fabrications from the people around me who wanted me to be hateful. I can see as an outside viewer that she wasn't pure evil like I thought. But that doesn't change the immediate gut feeling that I'm dealing with now that she's right in front of me again.

I panicked really badly when she first showed up in headspace. I'm usually a frontstuck host, but I fully switched out and hid in a corner of headspace for a few hours until our gatekeepers were able to pull her back into a different corner of the world that I don't have access too. She.. Looks a lot like I did when I was a kid. I wasn't expecting that.

I'm still not entirely sure how to react to all this or how to get comfortable with her being here. I don't want to panic and run every time she needs to front, but I also have no idea how to even approach her without all the heaviness from source crushing me completely. Sorry if this is really heavy. I'm just hoping you guys or someone else has some advice on coping with this.

Hi! We genuinely think your first ask got eaten, we’ve never seen an ask like this in our inbox… I’m so sorry!

It sounds like you’re dealing with a really tough situation. I guess we’d like to remind you that what you’ve heard from others may not align to what’s actually happened in your source’s past. Sometimes emotions can get the best of people, and situations can be misinterpreted, especially when tensions are high and family is involved.

Have you spoken to your grandmother in the system directly to hear from her what happened before you were born in your source? Maybe she had a good reason to leave, or thought she was acting in your family’s best interests at the time.

Additionally, she may not come with source memories, and not feel attached to her source at all. We firmly believe that introjects are their own people and cannot and should not be held accountable for events that happened in their source, even if they feel extremely connected to their source.

If it’s difficult to interact with her directly, perhaps try writing her a letter, or asking another headmate to pass a message along. Beginning to communicate, even if it’s hard, is the first step towards building trust. I know it won’t be easy, but unfortunately, it’s probably necessary in order for the two of you to come to an understanding and exist happily in the same mind.

We’re so sorry you’re going through something like this. If it’s easier for you, please remember that the grandmother in your headspace is an introject, just like you. She can’t help being formed and did not choose this - sometimes the brain makes internal choices that can’t be helped. We hope y’all can grow together and learn to coexist, and we’re wishing you the very best!

🌸 Margo and 💫 Parker

[omnium-gatherums]

I'm genuinely so tired of feeling so alone and isolated in system spaces. Every single system I've met, every single system I've seen online, every single system I've read about in research books and everything makes me feel so frustrated, confused, and alone. I feel more like someone who is just really fucking autistic about DID than someone who actually has it. I can ramble about DID, I can ramble about the symptoms, I can ramble about a lot of interesting things about DID and how OTHER people have said and described their experiences and so on and so forth, but when it comes to actual personal experience, I have nothing to say. Whenever it comes to people talking about their personal experiences, I shut down and I feel alone and isolated all over again.

It's always talk about fictional introjects and the inner world and pseudomemories, co-consciousness, the new syscourse discussion of the week, a new controversial term that people are arguing about in the system tags. It's always talking about "my alter said/did this funny thing" or "yeah, some of us experience xyz" or "we have many alters who xyz" and "one of our alters feels xyz" and "we have xyz in the inner world" and I can't relate to ANY OF IT! I CAN'T RELATE TO ANY OF THIS STUFF! I'm lost and I'm alone, I'm reminded all over again that I know nothing, and any attempt at trying to know has failed and made me more confused and frustrated than before. I just can't fucking relate to this stuff. I can't relate to ANYTHING that people talk about in system spaces. I can't even relate to the people with DID/OSDD who AREN'T like the stereotype and who AREN'T like the online system space "stereotype." I can't relate to anyone, even the systems I've found who I have related to. *And of course everyone has different experiences, no-one is going to be relatable to everyone 100%, blah blah, that's not what I'm talking about.

It makes me feel like, maybe I truly was misdiagnosed. Maybe my therapist made a mistake. Why am I so alone, then? I always feel like if I truly had this, wouldn't I be able to relate to others? But each system I meet, I feel more alone. I've always felt like an alien in the real world, but I feel like a different kind of alien in a group with other aliens when I'm around other systems.

I feel like the more I try to figure out my system and the more I try to figure out my alters and my DID, the more confused I become, and the more lost I feel, the more frustrated I feel, the more helpless I feel. If I had DID, wouldn't this shit be helping? It hasn't been, nothing has been helping at all, so that feels like obvious proof that I don't have that, I couldn't. So why was I diagnosed, why does my therapist believe I have this, why do I appear like I have the symptoms, when I still feel so stuck not knowing a single Goddamn thing, while I watch everyone around me get so much further ahead of me..

[fewsystemsinonebody]

I think the difference is between when they splitted

alters who splitted during childhood turn[ed] into animals more often because I suppose as a kid it was easier to imagine yourself as an animal at the time as it seemed more possible/normal to identify/feel/act like an animal

when host first discovered our system it worked as it used to for ages so during toxic relationships we still splitted alters that had animal forms but because of shame towards our traits, being scared of losing control (as we kinda do when we regress to an animal) and wanting to be more normal during therapy we stopped splitting alters who had animal forms at all and a lot other things about how our system works now is different

still we do have trauma so the symptoms (identifying with a dog and acting like it) seem to be attached to some of us just much lighter this time so it's more passing/acceptable in society - Marco and his layer/subsystem (Vito, Five, Nin, Caspian, Koda Nova, Murphy, Bonny, Afsan, Mico, Soprano, Bronco) or however called the whole separate system in our head have canine traits (but very rarely and tiny ones) because they still are protectors and somehow carry a trauma - besides them moving their ears on the front (yep, we can do that), wrinkle their nose (it's really fascinating actually that we're able to do that exactly like dogs) also on the front, growling and showing teeth nothing else happens (for more animalistic traits please look lower)

some splits stopped turning into animals during our healing journey - our host used to turn into animals she loved identifying with them but, as I said, she was too scared of losing control (she was a cat, dog, raccoon), Dave, Arnie and Gru used to be dogs but both got better

still there are alters who are turn into animals:

Albert is a ferret and for majority of our life he was JUST an animal due to trauma and as a fragment - started having a human form few years ago and now he still adores to be an animal half of the time but because he was an animal for so long he is a bit challenged mentally (sorry if I use the wrong word as english isn't my native language so pls inform me if I offend anyone), he mades specific noises and bites and sometimes can't use his hands etc. (as a reminder - we often go mute and don't understand what someone is telling us when we turn into an animal - depends how hard) and also likes to hide around the house and pick up tiny things from the floor or play with various items

April turns into a cat when triggered usually as it's a reason of trauma, he hisses, meows, hides and possibly might scratch you but never happened before

Benji turns into a dog as he is an introject of the movie Benji and that is just part of his personality but also trauma related to dogs as I said, he can playflully bite, growls (yeah, we basically never bark - maybe it's because we had no right to "bark" if you know what I mean), jumps on his two legs like he is begging for something or sits like a dog etc.

Brie very rarely turns into a griffin but we don't know why exactly, we suspect some things but still are unsure, anyway... it happens in head space so the only trait we saw on the front about him was sitting/laying like a sphynx so we call him that as a joke

Brandon turns into a polar fox and hates it haha - he splitted from Jack who is a red fox because he introjected Robin Hood and it's also huge part of his personality, he was our first protector - they make fox sounds, Jack even laughs literally like a fox :D

Hakan splitted due to trauma and turns into a dog but not as often as he used to, he growls and usually acts like a dog with his whole body - laying or sitting etc.

Jacob turns into a polar bear because of his role but it happens very very rarely (during worst moments) so the only thing we noticed was him growling (additional fun fact - our jaw literally changes when we're angry - the lower part moves forward - we don't do that on purpose and we can't change it later willingly, we have to cool down)

Jimmy turns into a fennec fox and I am unsure if it's anything more than the fact he's personality is like that, as a reminder - our host was obsessed with animals during childhood (collecting articles from magazines, reading books about animals and watching shows in TV), he is very often turning into his animal form like Albert, he scratches and bites things, he's very fast not only when he walks but his movements and how he talks etc.

Jerry turns into a parrot - we know it's part of the trauma as well as his voice and how he acts matches, he uses his hands like wings sometimes for example opening them up for example and "dancing" but because of the human body it's actually hard for him to act more like a bird usually

Lio turns into a toad but we don't wanna talk about why and he had time he refused to turn into it anyway... but he can croak (his cheeks are blown at the time and it looks and sounds funny), he also has froggy facial expressions and will squat or something when scared

me... I turn into tasmanian devil, because I couldn't be a demon/devil but I was supposed to be like one so it was the closest match but I basically never turn into one

Marcel turns into a dragon - I should make a totally separate post about it as it's complicated why and how

Monty turns into a cat and he acts like one on the front often no matter what - it's part of the trauma too, he meows, purrs, bites, scratches things but he also moves his mustaches specific way, uses his hands like paws often, dances like a cartoon cat and much more - just... really a cat in a human form which is impressive (and he walks very quietly so mom always gets scared lol)

Nat turns into a wolf as a protector - the "higher" form of a dog, wilder, more dangerous, it's also related to our grandma, he also been a werewolf but he recovered, he can bite, growl, act like a dog bodily etc. and... howl (which he prefers to do when nobody hears him as he's embarassed)

most of us can wrinkle our nose or move our ears or scratch ourselves*

so yeah... it's not like we thought it's funny and decided to be animals as some said to us :)

Red and Pink aren't animalistic at all! they were part of another layer/subsystem or whatever as I said (sorry, I srsly don't know anymore which label is correct) that basically almost doesn't exist no more and among them there weren't any animals besides one who also turned into a dog

I hope that you find it interesting/educative but I also know we are going to be bullied and copied again, sigh...

Lu

Does anyone else have an amimal associated with their system? What animal and why?

[lord-doom-rambles]

Hey there! I was wondering, what was your reaction when you finally found Shadow after 50 years? You seemed pretty excited, but I'm wondering how you actually felt. Say hi to the Black Arms for me!

Hello there!~

My, it's been awhile since I have used this blog, huh...?~

Anyways, to answer your question...~

It is true that I was very excited to see Shadow again, I had feared for their safety over the 50 years we were apart, but I also feared that I would endanger either Shadow or the rest of the Black Arms if I went out to seek them before the Comet would cross paths with Earth again, as both having a known galactic criminal by Shadow's side with no defenses and the act of leaving the Black Arms without their leader around both lead to many liabilities... So I waited for the day when the Comet and Earth would cross paths by then...~

My biggest mistake when it came to our reunion was that because of all that waiting time, my anger and distrust towards the humans for what had happened on the Space Colony ARK had built up and festered... And because of it I was so consumed by my emotions that I had shut myself off emotionally from even my own child... I didn't allow myself to show my true feelings towards Shadow... I kept up my infamous warlord persona, that ultimately unreachable "perfect" version of myself... and it lead to everything going terribly wrong...~

I am so thankful for the fact that I was given another chance via being introjected into our system, because otherwise I probably would have never gotten to tell Shadow how I really felt... That I loved them dearly and wanted to protect them at all costs...~

Speaking of protecting... I did try to do that in some extent... I had unintentionally projected my own desire for revenge onto Shadow... I wanted to teach them how to defend themself from the humans... the enemy, in my mind... But my way of doing that was... poorly thought out.~

That's why it hurts so much to see people say that I was abusive to Shadow... I mean... I probably was, to be honest... I was in a horrible place mentally with no words to describe how it hurt... but I never meant to hurt them... Every terrible thing I did to Shadow was not from malice or hatred, it was from pain, misunderstanding, and the horrible effects of a mental health crisis spiraling out of control... I don't want to be reminded of those darker times... and I especially don't want to be told that all my missteps were intentional, that I am purely evil without any redeeming factors, or that I was the one who was the manipulator in a relationship where a man took advantage of my trust and my feelings for him and used them to attempt to destroy me and my entire nation...~

Sorry if this was more of a vent than anything else... I've made up with the Shadow in our system but those memories still haunt me...~

I still keep my distance from humans that we don't know personally... especially those that are older than our body/host... though that could be more because of whatever trauma we went through... even I as a protector do not have access to those kind of memories...~

But I will tell the rest of the Black Arms you said hello...~