#reflecting on life

[j4jml]

“You are a mirror reflecting a noble face.”― Rumi

Noble Face 16/09/2023 © All Rights Reserved by Jamil Hussain

[i-left-my-heart-in-october]

Today I feel so fucking down. I looked at your pictures and the videos that we took together. How did I let this beautiful soul slip through my fingers. I just know I’m not worthy of your love. I am living the consequences of my actions.

I talked today about stuff that’s going on here with my therapist. She keeps saying I’m a strong, sweet person and how she was moved about how I expressed my feelings when it came to you. Yet, I’m not able to feel the same way. You know you were the only person that I would talk to, about my problems, I don’t have that person anymore in my life. Yes I’m talking now to this therapist but not because I like it.

I sometimes feel like I do it because I feel desperate, because to her I talk about you, how beautiful inside outside you are, that I want only happiness and joy coming your way, that you will live a care free life, that I can’t let go of the thought of you and I, and then on the other hand I can honestly say how much of a wreck I am, how much I miss my person, my soulmate, my best friend.

Then when that 1 hour session ends, I’m back into the same pit I’m trying to get out of. I’m trying to work on myself, I am.

I am also aware that I’m not the only one suffering. I know you are as much in pain as I am. or even worse. You never wanted this either. You only wanted love and that’s the only thing you have given me. I hope you aren’t hard on yourself, I hope you are surrounded by family and friends that support you and love you.

I love you, I will always love you, that won’t go away. You are my weakness yet my strength. Thank you that I could touch your heart and I’m sorry for all the pain on the way that I have caused you, for loving me. Please be happy even if it’s momentarily now, as I mentioned before you deserve nothing less than a joyful life.

Don’t worry about me, today I’m just more in my feelings, it goes with waves. I don’t feel like talking with my friends about what happened, or is happening still. I did close of a part of me honestly but, that’s okay.

I guess today I just really felt like talking to you, maybe it’s sad, weird, I don’t know, but writing my feelings here as if I’m talking to you brings me a little ease. I think I already said to much. Sleep well and goodnight ✨🌙

[spoiledstrawberry]

"Memories are the most painful torture method that exist. We are meant to live with them inside us forever, until we disappear altogether."

-BabyPaton

[kenni-woodard]

I completely regret most of the decisions I made upon graduating from high school. Granted, I'm saying this with insights I couldn't have had back then. So I'm not sure if regret is the best word choice.

I just wish there was less pressure to go to college right out of high school, before we even know what the world actually looks like. I also wish that there was mandatory counseling for anyone who said they wanted to be a doctor or lawyer, which double checks if they are aware of other professions just because for people like me with the kinds of parents I have, those were literally the only two professions presented to me as "real" professions a person goes to college for. Everything else was basically "underwater basket-weaving" to them which is essentially the quintessential bullshit degree in their minds.

With those two things, I think I could have had a clearer picture of what to anticipate in the real world, what my career opportunities were, and what school I wanted to go to. If I had gone to a normal school that didn't use the sciences as pre-med weeder courses, I think I could have ended up in healthcare. I also probably wouldn't have ended up so traumatized but that's a completely different story 🙃.

[selfhealingmoments]

[sohannabarberaesque]

WALLY GATOR, reflecting unto himself over a slice of key lime pie and a cup of Caribbean-stylee espresso coffee made stovetop: It's probably just this gator talking, but if anything, a cup of espresso and a slice of key lime pie certainly beats being in the rather limiting confines under Zookeeper Twiddle back at the zoo, don't you know?

[xtrablak674]

Greatest Hits

[Originally posted on my blogspot 'Iconclastic Narcissism' on the 29th of December, 2007. Posted unedited, with a few comments for more context or clarity. I was much more explicit in my journaling, even knowing it was open to the public. I am not ashamed of this candidness, but have learned more discretion with age.]

I was watching the second to last episode of LOST where one of the major characters knew he was going to die and put together a greatest hits, simply a list of five greatest moments in his life. I was thinking myself of what would my list look like and I found and interesting trend amongst my own greatest moments. First none of the moments are alone moments but moments that have to do with someone else and are related to an event or holiday. I have made my list in no particular order:

•My first Christmas with Paul

•Valentine's day surprise with Steve

•My first art exhibition that Karl attended

•Losing my virginity with Daniel

•Spending the day my nephew MJ

•Finding my mother dead

X-Mas Tears

My first Christmas with Paul was one of our happiest moments he had got me my first membership to BAM that my friend Eric had promised to get for me and didn't. I was so overwhelmed by the simple thoughtfulness of the gift I burst into tears of happiness. It was a very nice moment. I can say with all honesty that Paul was my most favorite boyfriend.

[Also my longest relationship to date at four years, but the things I learned with Steve greatly influenced this affair.]

Heart-Day Hotness

We had only met each other a week prior on February 7th,  but in that time that magic and passion I seem to create with my men was created with Steve, and he designed one of the most romantic evenings I have ever had, which appropriately was on Valentine's Day. He bought me to his apartment shared with two other roommates who he had gotten rid of for the evening. I was blindfolded and walked through the front door, where he had me disrobe and gave me a beautiful candlelit bath, where if I remember correctly he bathed me, toweled me off then slipped me into a pair of burgundy silk boxers and a matching terry cloth robe. 

He then led me past his bedroom to the living room where he had moved out all the furniture and arranged a piece of fur chocolate covered strawberries and sparking cider (he remembered I didn't drink). He then lit a fire one of those Duraflame logs, he gave me a gorgeous fossil watch and I think a leather wallet, we made love in front of the flames and fell asleep by the fire in each others arms. Steve was my first boyfriend and really set the bar for how I treated my future boyfriends and where I got the habit of spoiling my men from. One of my shortest relationships only lasting 9.5 weeks but Steve definitely hit the greatest hits in my heart.

Artistic Cherry-Busting

My first art exhibition was a great moment because it was the time I realized that people actually like my photography and thought I was an artist, it was a defining moment for me because I had always struggled with being considered an "artist". This exhibition of 19 of my pieces seven of which sold along with numerous postcards of the work was a total success, that also corresponded with my third date with Karl who attended and got along wonderfully with my friends and got treated to a very Steve-esque romantic picnic dinner in Prospect Park with me later that evening as we watched Close Encounters of the Third Kind tying into my three theme of the date. Making the entire day a wonderful moment and a greatest hit.

Statutory Rape #NotReally

[BTW the age of consent in New York State is seventeen]

Even though I had been sucking dick since I was eight years old, I didn't lose my virginity (having a man penetrate me) until I was seventeen. The funny thing is that Daniel who was 28 at the time thought I was like 25 and was a little shocked by my revelation of my age after his deflowering me and the level of experience I showed with the event (I had practiced with candles and dildos). Having a man inside of me the first time was a very overwhelming moment and I remembered crying a little when I came, I was so emotionally overwhelmed with the experience of the fullness and the pulsing of Daniel's member inside of me. It was a moment of great intimacy and a little fear but great happiness.

[I wouldn't learn until I think '04 that the sexual relations I had as a tender-aged child were in fact sexual abuse. I only became aware of this when reading a book to understand a boyfriend's sexual abuse as a child. This revelation set an upheaval in my sexual activity leading to my over a decade celibacy, while I reset myself and moved away from the toxic behavior I had been practicing for years.]

Playing Uncle

I don't think I realize how much I enjoyed being a big brother and an "uncle" until I was denied the privilege. The last time I saw my nephew MJ was also one of my happiest moments. Meeting his mother, his little sister and spending the day at Bryant Park on the merry go round then off to Toys-R-Us for a ride on the Ferris Wheel and finally dinner at Olive Garden was a very happy day for me.

I had bought gifts for both of the kids and the mother. I was so saddened that when she moved she fell out of contact and I never saw MJ again, until years later. I have several nieces and nephews, and by default MJ became the favorite because I had spent the most time with him, most of them I haven't even met and am not sure if they even know I exist its sad, but I don't hold the  children at fault  but the parents and I will make  arrangements for all of my nieces and nephews in my estate planning.

[Now some of the children have children, and I don't think I have met any of their kids yet and there are like four of the kids I haven't met. Its the saddest part of being a part of a family that has lost the matriarch, there isn't anyone to encourage the family to stay together.]

She's Dead Jim!

Finding my mother dead on the couch I have to say is one of the most life defining moments for me. I know its maybe odd to have on a greatest moments list, but I would not be the person I am today with out my mother dying when she did. I wouldn't have the strength, independence, perseverance and common sense that developed in her absence.  I happily admit I was a momma's boy and my mother spoiled her boys (as I  spoil my men), I got away with murder  in my mother's house, and  could  nearly do no wrong, and the wrong I did do, I learned to charm myself out of any significant punishment. No single moment has effected me as much as her death even though it was more then two decades ago, its still one of the most significant moments in my life.

[As of this year its been exactly forty years since she's been dead. I have been alive way longer than I ever had parents.]

[Photos by Brown Estate]

[greelin]

this is so real and never leaves me

[echoesoftheinfinite]

I don't want much, I just want to learn how to enjoy life, even in the hardest moments.

[thingswedontunbox]

[quantumshade]

there's an interesting thing rtd said from the commentary about the "real mom" line:

i get not liking the line but like. it's an intentional mistake and an intentional character choice, and something we'll return to in the future, and that seems like important context to have when talking about the episode.

[gentlemanmotorslifestyle]

[grendel-menz]

my farm girl blues

[astearisms]

fionna and cake drawings before and after watching the episodes so far. it’s nostalgic and somehow cathartic and poignant and relatable and—it just started

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

None of our hands are clean

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[selfhealingmoments]