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littlest-bugz · 6 days ago

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Was I supposed to know that???

[a non-definitive list of things I wish I had known in early CDD system discovery]

When you are first discovering your system, or are just finding out you have some form of CDD [complex dissociative disorder], things can be really confusing and scary. Memories and Alters may surface, you might get more dissociative symptoms [or become aware of them], and just a bunch more that adds to a feeling of disorientation with your own life and identity. Things are uncertain and stressful, but I assure you, everything is okay and you will come out on top of things safely!

In the beginning of rediscovering my own system in 2021, I was really lost because I didn't turn to the internet for resources or go to professionals for help. I was almost entirely in the blind when I was getting to know my system! I didn't interact with any other systems or seek out CDD specific advice and care until December of 2023. That's all to say I was in a similar position as you may be. I was quite lost, confused, and scared as I was coming to terms with the fact that I, as an alter, did not have full control over the body and what we did, and that my memory could, and had, fail me. It was just an uncertain time, but now that I'm into recovery, I know that there are things that would've helped me going into system discovery...

If you're an already discovered system [i.e. you already know and have established contact], maybe you will learn something new or maybe you will come out with a new outlook on something! Or it might not help at all! Which is okay because everyone is different!

That being said... Strap in! this post is EXTREMELY long! [this is not an understatement- this post is criminally long]

Notes : Before I jump into the numerous points of this post, I have to preface this post with the fact of this post may be discouraging at times. I'm being so serious, but in my opinion, this post has important points. The only issue is that what I'm saying can come across as negative or fakeclaim-y, but I am not fake claiming anyone in this post! Do not take what I say personally!! I don't know who's reading this! You could be my best friend or a stranger from across the world! So you have to remember to take things with a grain of salt because, as you'll see immediately in the first point you know you better than anyone else does. I do not know you personally, nor do I know your system or situation. Take what resonates with you, and leave the rest, if that makes sense? Just hear me out before you dismiss this post as not worth your time.

Now we can actually get into the post!

-> DO NOT LET SOCIAL MEDIA WARP YOUR PERCEPTION OF CDDS OR YOUR SYSTEM

This is more a warning than the rest of this post because this is THE MOST important part of early system discovery. While I did not personally engage in most social medias during my own system discovery, this is a point I know will be important for others, especially those in early system discovery... But what do I mean by this?

Well, for starters, this is the main reason why a lot of systems struggle with validating themselves and their system. It is not healthy to compare your system to other systems. It is not healthy to look at other systems, not relate, and think that somehow means you're not a 'real system'. While sharing experiences and discussing your system, as well as listening to the experiences of other systems, is beneficial, comparing yourself to other systems will make you feel like shit. This is where a majority of posts dealing with invalidity come from. You let the internet and misinformation to shape how you view systemhood as a whole.

The notion that a large alter count is invalid is from social media.

The notion that a system is 'too complex' is from social media.

The notion that there is such a thing as too many introjects is from social media.

Seriously, I could go on. These do not matter at all, and those are not the only examples I have seen [just the most common]. Having a complex system, being introject heavy, and/or having a large system are all seen in scientific material, so the notion that it somehow makes you invalid is based in comparison and social media misinformation. You need to keep your head on your shoulders when interacting with social media, or you will damage your relationship with systemhood. Not to mention, you may internalize misinformation!

For some, not comparing themselves to others is MUCH easier said than done. I used to be one of those people! And I still am sometimes! but that's something I am working on. Which... For the sake of not only you as an alter, but also your system, I am seriously suggesting you to work on validating yourself via self help or a therapist. From one system to another, working on this will limit your denial phases and imposter syndrome. Like I said before, I'm a chronic compare-er, but when I learned to validate myself and my system, I no longer go through denial phases as a collective. Self Validation is the biggest key to flourishing as not only as a system, but also a key to thriving in life. Obviously validation from other's isn't harmful in any capacity and is very much required to flourish as a person too, but you seriously shouldn't give a fuck about people online who try to invalidate your system or system structure. Let me repeat that in a more direct way...

YOU KNOW YOU BETTER THAN SOME ASSHOLE ON THE INTERNET.

You know you even better than me too! Obviously!

With self validation, I will not leave you empty handed because simply saying "do this" is not enough for this point. I'll give you a few links and resources that will help kickstart your journey into self validation while discovering your system.

Here's my self-help link masterlist for self validation [this is a link]

-> POINT ONE ALSO INCLUDES AVOIDING SYSCOURSE.

I cannot stress how bad syscourse is for you, especially in early system discovery. From what I have seen from the very few syscourse blogs I follow, as well as mutuals and friends i talk to, it is draining and harmful for your mental health. I don't personally believe in engaging with syscourse, so I avoid it when I can- maybe I'll read a post or two, but I don't throw myself or system into it. I can imagine debating can be fun, but most syscourse is not real debating. Emphasis on *most* because I have seen real debate in syscourse spaces. Sadly though, the majority of posts I see within syscourse tags are either riddled with misinformation- from both of the sides of syscourse- or are filled with unwarranted vitriol [again, from both sides]. Not to mention the MANY posts of well researched systems just tiredly correcting the same things over and over and over again. My advice? Ignore it! Just stick to the silly memes, text posts, ask games, and informational posts. If later, when you feel more secure in your system and you want to engage with it, I support that! Just avoid it in the beginning.

-> Trauma is the response to the event, NOT the event

Thankfully, I've seen this talked about more than once in the system community, but I think it's important to talk about this here too. In order to explain this point properly, we have to discuss what trauma is. So... what is trauma?

" [Psychological] Trauma is the unique individual experience of an event or enduring conditions, in which: 1. The individual's ability to integrate his/her emotional experience is overwhelmed, or 2. The individual experiences (subjectively) a threat to life, bodily integrity, or sanity. (Pearlman & Saakvitne, 1995, p. 60) " [source]

What does this mean in the context of CDDs?

For one, a lot of systems have a hard time seeing certain traumas as traumatic for whatever reason, and for two, it's important to be reminded of this fact when going through system discovery. It's very common to be dissociated from all or most of your trauma in some fashion, whether it be emotional amnesia or black out amnesia. That means it doesn't 'feel' traumatic or there just isn't anything there. As you go through system discovery, its very highly likely that you, or your alters, will uncover trauma of some kind. Whether it be examples of emotional neglect or specific traumas, but sometimes it can be hard to accept that it was trauma or that you went through whatever. It's also common for people to misconstrue that trauma is a specific type of event when it just. is not. A lot of things can be traumatic, and someone's reaction to the same trauma will even be different.

TW: Car Crash talk, but nothing graphic.

I'll give you an example. Imagine four people got into a car crash together. Each person will have a unique response to that event. The driver becomes deeply traumatized and can never step foot in a car, the front passenger finds a weird thrill in it and seeks out similar experiences, back passenger one is traumatized but able to work through it, and the final passenger walks out fine, with no trauma. This is an example of that fact- that everyone reacts differently to the same or a similar event. One person can be deeply traumatized by, let's say, bullying, but another person may learn how to not care about what people think.

Trauma is unique to you, and you alone. What you find traumatic will not be exactly the same as another person.

I will say there are exceptions I can think of where it is always traumatic for a child, but it applies there too. Each child's response to a certain trauma is unique. This point kind of lines up perfectly with the next point because the very common misconception that trauma IS the event is built in misinformation and social media comparison [there it is again].

-> You should do your own research, but keep in mind some of the information you will find about CDDs may be outdated or filled with misinformation.

This is also important when you're getting to know your system because the first step to system discovery is doing research on your diagnosis or suspected disorder. It can help with validation because it is an external source of it! Seeing a medical paper or article that describes symptoms that align with yours is super validating! Not to mention seeing more than just one? It's amazing how much it truly helps with validation! HOWEVER. I would also extend your research into other dissociative disorders [such as DR/DP, P-DID, OSDD etc], as well as Maladaptive Daydreaming, since you may find co-morbidities or that your experience lines up better with another disorder. This is not to say you AREN'T a system, but it is an important point to bring up. It can just be that you have a different type of system than you thought! For example, believing you're an OSDD system, only to discover with research that your experience aligns more with DID.

This leads into the fact that when you're doing research on DID or any other of the CDDs that exist, you are likely to encounter misinformation, whether it be outdated information in articles or reading something on tumblr that just isn't factual! This can be confusing and mess up your ideas on what a system might look like or present as. It can even affect how you view your own system! That's why you have to do your own research! Researching can even bring validation to your experience when you research CDDs!

I will provide a few cursory resources that you may want to read as you begin researching! Keep in mind that these links do NOT account for full, proper research. This is just your kickstart!

Here's the masterlist of cursory DID research links [this is a link]

I will also add that looking into other's experience with CDDs is also a part of research! It's important to look into the experiences of other systems, but keep in mind the first point regarding self validation and comparison.

-> Identity, even in CDDs, is fluid.

A very basic and simple sum up of what DID is:

DID is the result of an inability to integrate the facets of an individuals personality during early childhood, usually due to multiple trauma-based reactions [such as neglect, abuse, natural disaster, war and other adverse experiences]. (Thank u Circ for ur help!!)

... and why do I bring this up?

Within a person who has integrated, and therefor does not have a CDD, those facets all still exist. The only difference is that they are more cohesive and as one, but all the facets are are still there. Identity within EVERYONE is fluid. Things change for even singlets! As you grow as a person, your identity shifts to reflect what you have learned. Like someone might find a gender identity they hadn't heard of that feels just right or they come across a new term that fits them better than the previous one- or they use it for a while and feel it doesn't fit them in the end. Things like this happen to everyone, including individual alters. This means you may have an alter that identifies as one gender, one sexuality, and it may change- that can be REALLY confusing as you're discovering your system because you may assume that it's a new alter all together, when it isn't.

Why I wish I knew this in early system discovery is because it would've saved me A LOT of headache when trying to log and keep track of alters. It can get really draining when you assume that every little identity shift is a new alter when it just simply is not. Sometimes it is, especially in systems where the alters present as very similar to each other, but I would stick to assuming they are not an alter until proven otherwise. This really only applies when you think you are a new alter, and not when it is through internal communication because, in my opinion, internal communication is more reliable when you're tracking alters. It's good to have an alter to 'back you up' so to speak, but it won't always be like that, especially in the beginning. This kind of leads me into my next point of this point [haha... point-ception].

-> System Discovery, and systemhood, in general, is a lot of guesstimations [guess work].

I just recently saw a post about this in the CDD tags. I actually think it's by the same author of the tumblr post I linked, but I wanted to elaborate and go into it in my own perspective. A lot of discovering your system is guess work and reading 'vibes'. This applies to a lot of aspects of systemhood- from an alter's identity to you're headcount [which I will get to later in this point]. It makes everything extremely confusing, meaning it can cause you to feel confused and discouraged, and memories that surface may seem unreal. When it comes to validating yourself and your system, you need to keep in mind that, once again, you know you better than someone else. Sometimes, there won't be external validation for things that come up with your system, such as memories that seem to have 'no evidence', but my therapist gave me some advice for this; if it's affecting you as if it's real, it's best to treat it like it is. This applies to things like body and other flashbacks. Maybe even extending to you thinking you may have a system! You have to learn to validate from the inside to know that, regardless of if it's ""real"" or not, it affects you. Does that make sense? If not I can make a follow up post to better clarify.

I mentioned headcount, and I do want to elaborate on that especially. Your Alter count is a huge amount of guess work, and is never really "concrete". You will never know cut and dry the amount of alters in your system because things fluctuate and identity is fluid. You will likely see people with a listed, exact alter count, and while that is there lived experience, things even change with people you see on the internet.

-> Alters can lie

This one is possibly the most discouraging part of this post, but a very important point to bring up. Alters, despite being the result of a failure to integrate as a child, are very much like their own people [at least, when differentiated], and people can, and do, lie. This is not to say you can’t trust your alters, but rather a reminder to be mindful when interacting with your alters, especially if you’re working with a persecutor of some kind. This is one of the ways your brain defends itself within CDDs, and isn’t any sort of moral failing on you or your alters. Alters lying can look like lying about your trauma [either exaggerating or hiding it], lying about themself, lying about aspects of the system, or other different ways.

For my fellow OCD havers ;

This is something that still messes me up with my OCD. Here is my advice to you ; if there is an alter you trust more than the others, ask for their help to be a rationalizer when you're talking to alters you feel you may not trust as much as the others. This works best if it's a gatekeeper, but it's not a necessity for the alter to be one. This is not meant to be an interrogation. It's meant to help with cross referencing. One alter might say one thing to that alter, but tell you another thing. Otherwise, my advice is to remember that if it's affecting you as if it's real, it's best to treat it like it is.

-> Start keeping a nightly journal.

Whether this be in the notes app or in a physical journal, trust me, this is a good one. Not only will it help you keep a good grasp on what your days look like, but it can also encourage external communication, which is one of the most reliable ways to communicate as a system. Sometimes it can be hard to get everyone to get on board with journaling, but I encourage you to try. I would say that you try to subconciously try to build up the idea of doing things even when you don't want to- its a hard thing to do, but if I can do it, I have confidence in the majority of people who read this post... Keep the journal in a noticeable place, or if it's on your phone, make sure that it is easily accessible. There are plenty of apps that can be used to journal as a system.

What to do if journaling is not accessible ;

If for, whatever reason, you can not write in a physical journal, or type on your phone or computer, I suggest taking voice recorded journal entries. An audio log! Not only will it make you feel cool and like you're from a detective movie [or maybe that's just me lol], but it also accomplishes the same exact purpose as having a physical journal. It can even make it easier for you if you have struggles reading. HOWEVER, if you don't feel safe enough to keep an audio log, I would go towards an app that you can use [but if it's not accessible, negate this whole point].

-> Communication is hard, but once you learn the basics, it only goes up from there.

In the system community, you're mainly interacting with other systems who have already established some form of communication within their system. It can be discouraging to see so many systems who have a grasp on communication, but you don't have any.

Learning any form of system communication, external or internal, is a learning curve. HOWEVER. When you learn the basics of any communication, it only gets easier.

Here's a link to a post full of links aimed at building communication between systems [this is a link]

With that, I'm going to end the post here! I could honestly make more points, and if there's really a need, I'll reblog with additions, but I think this is good start! I hope you learned something from this long post, and feel free to send in asks if you need any clarification! I might not be speedy to answer, but I'll do my best.

And your final reminder that I'm not a medical professional, just a system trying to help other systems.

Thank you for reading my post, and I hope you have a good day/afternoon/evening!

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fridayenights · 2 months ago

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Through Her Eyes - A BG3 One-Shot

Astarion hasn’t seen his reflection in centuries, a cruel reminder of everything he’s lost to his vampiric curse. When Alluna offers him the chance to see himself through her eyes, he’s faced with something he never expected: a glimpse of the man he used to be—and the hope of who he might become.

FANDOM: Baldur's Gate 3

PAIRING: Astarion/ Alluna (Tav)

WORD COUNT: 3,155

TRIGGER WARNINGS: This story contains themes of trauma, emotional vulnerability, and references to past abuse. Reader discretion is advised.

Alluna tilted her head back, her eyes tracing the sparkling stars overhead. Their beauty stole her breath and wrapped her in a rare, fragile peace. She drew her knees to her chest, a soft smile curling her lips as the fire’s crackling warmth eased the weariness in her bones. The day had been long and grueling—her body ached with the memory of countless battles. Exhaustion pressed heavy on her shoulders, but for a moment, as she gazed at the heavens, the weight lifted, and the night offered her a fleeting reprieve.

She inhaled deeply, the air carrying the faint tang of pine, the musk of earth, and the briny trace of the nearby stream. It was so different from Baldur’s Gate. The first night here had been jarring—not just because of the nautiloid’s crash or the alien tadpole burrowing into her brain, but because of the silence. The forest felt alive yet unnervingly still. No clamor of merchants or sharp laughter of drunkards. No constant hum of life. Just the snores of her companions, the crackle of the fire, and the steady rhythm of her heartbeat.

Her peace was interrupted by low, frustrated murmurs, breaking the soft crackle of the fire. Alluna turned, her gaze landing on Astarion. He stood just beyond the camp’s edge, a mirror in his hand, his brow furrowed as he tilted it this way and that, his movements sharp with irritation. For a moment, she thought he was fussing over a stray strand of hair, and a quiet snicker escaped her. With a sigh, she pulled herself to her feet and strolled toward him, intent on catching him off guard.

But before she could speak, his voice cut through the night. “Looking at something?” he asked, startling her.

She blinked, then frowned. “How did you know I was there?”

“The only benefit to a mirror when you have my… condition,” he replied, his tone flat as he continued inspecting the glass. “It doesn’t quite make up for the lack of a reflection, mind you.” His voice remained level, but the slump of his shoulders betrayed him.

The grin on Alluna’s face faded as realization dawned. He hadn’t seen his own face—not since the night he was turned. The thought struck her, sharp and sudden. She hesitated, unsure of what to say, before finally asking, “Do you miss it? Seeing your own face?”

“Preening in the looking glass? Petty vanity?” He turned to face her then, his eyes heavy, searching hers. “Of course I miss it.” He sighed, the mirror in his hand catching the firelight. “I’ve never seen this face. Not since it grew fangs and my eyes turned red…” His expression hardened, anger flashing across his features as he looked at her.

Alluna studied his face, her mind tracing over the sharp angles and hollow beauty of it, trying to imagine what he might have looked like before. “What colour were they before?” she asked softly, her voice a thread in the quiet.

“I…” His voice faltered, and for a moment, he seemed caught off guard by the question. His brow furrowed deeply as he turned inward, searching for a memory that remained stubbornly out of reach.

The rage in his eyes melted into confusion, then panic, and finally something far heavier. His grip tightened around the mirror, his knuckles pale against its ornate frame. “I…” he tried again, the words catching in his throat. His head tilted, his gaze darting to the ground, as though the answer might lie buried beneath the dirt.

“I don’t know,” he whispered, the words brittle, fragile. His crimson eyes met hers, unguarded and raw. “I can’t… I can’t remember.” The mirror slipped slightly in his grip, trembling in his hand. His expression grew distant, his eyes unfocused, as though the memory he sought had been stripped away entirely, leaving only a hollow ache behind.

The ache consumed him for a heartbeat—then burned away, replaced by a fiery inferno. “My face is just another dark shape in my past.” His voice shook with rage. With gritted teeth, he hurled the mirror into the dirt, where it shattered into glittering fragments.

Alluna’s heart grew heavy as she watched him. Thin tears lined his eyes, but they didn’t fall. Anger and shock wrestled for dominance in the lines of his face, his posture tense and fists clenching and unclenching as if he didn’t know whether to scream or collapse. This realization had rattled him to his very core, cracking the carefully curated mask he always wore.

Her fingers twitched at her side, her heart aching with the need to comfort him, to give him something—anything—to pull him from this pain. And then it struck her. Her eyes widened as the idea took root, tentative but insistent. She stepped closer to him, excitement flickering like a fragile ember.

He startled slightly at her sudden movement, his gaze snapping to hers. She hesitated, fearing he would shout at her, push her away. But she shook her head, banishing the thought. “Astarion, I might… have a solution,” she said, her voice trembling as nerves battled with resolve.

He tilted his head, confusion furrowing his brow. “What do you mean?” There was a whisper of hope in his voice, so faint it was barely there—but she saw it.

Alluna swallowed hard, chewing the inside of her lip as she raised a hand and pointed toward her temple. “The tadpole…” Her voice dropped to a near-whisper. She knew what she was asking of him: to relinquish control, to open his mind to her, to let someone breach the carefully constructed walls he’d built to protect himself.

Their bond was fragile, born of shared necessity but slowly blossoming into something more. It was terrifying in its newness, full of promise and peril. It could grow into a thorny rose, beautiful but dangerous, or a sunflower reaching for the light. She prayed it was enough to surpass his distrust.

A long, agonizing silence stretched between them. His expression remained unreadable, his thoughts racing behind his crimson eyes. Alluna’s resolve began to wither under the weight of it. Poisonous doubts whispered in her mind: she’d shattered their delicate bond, ruined everything by speaking this absurd idea aloud. He would regret trusting her, regret opening himself up even the smallest bit.

But then, before she could drown in her fears, his mask cracked again. Uncertainty rippled across his features, followed by something softer, more vulnerable. He met her gaze, and her breath hitched at the raw emotion she saw there. “How… How would the tadpole help me see myself?” His voice was small, hesitant, as though the words themselves were fragile.

Alluna smiled softly, careful not to lean too close. “I would lend you my eyes,” she said, her tone steady. “It would mean opening your mind to me, letting me in. But only to see what I see—nothing more.”

His brows furrowed, and he stepped back, a whirlwind of emotions flickering across his face. She didn’t press him, didn’t move closer, but simply waited. Astarion’s mind raced, the weight of her words colliding with the walls he’d built over centuries.

Trust her? Could he even do that?

He thought back to the moments they’d shared. At first, it had all been a game—a calculated play to ensnare her in his web, like so many others. But she was… different. It hadn’t felt like such a performance with her. The revulsion that usually curdled in his stomach afterward was quieter, subdued. She had a way of lying in his arms, her face alight with contentment, as though she saw something in him he couldn’t see himself. For a fleeting moment, he had almost believed it. Almost.

His gaze lifted to meet hers, and he saw nothing but sincerity. Still, the fear clung to him, gnawing at the edges of his resolve. “I… I don’t know…” He faltered, unsure how to finish the sentence. I don’t know if I trust you? I don’t know how to let you in?

Alluna seemed to sense the war raging behind his eyes. Her expression softened, and the smile she gave him made his heart ache in ways he couldn’t explain. “Astarion,” she said gently, her voice steady but warm, “this is your choice. If you’re not ready, that’s fine. If you need more time, take it. I won’t push you. I trust you to know what’s right for yourself—and I’ll be here if or when you decide.”

Her words washed over him, and for a moment, he felt himself slip back into the comfort of his mask. He forced a hollow smile and replied, “Time, darling? That’s a luxury we don’t exactly have. Death lurks around every corner—”

“Astarion.” Her voice stopped him short, soft but resolute. His breath hitched as her eyes met his, unwavering. “We have time,” she said again, quieter this time, but with unshakable certainty. “No tadpole, no mind flayer, no cultist—nothing will stop us. You have time to decide if this is something you truly want to do.”

For a moment, he said nothing, her words hanging heavy in the space between them. His mask threatened to crack, but he held it firm, unwilling to let her see just how much her words had shaken him—not in a negative way. She had given him something Cazador never had: a choice.

The concept felt alien, even though he knew he must have had it once, centuries ago, before chains of blood and pain stole it from him. At least, he thought he had. It was hard to tell anymore. The memories had been drowned beneath horrors so vast they poisoned his mind, erasing everything that made him who he once was.

But now, here she was, offering him the impossible. A piece of himself he thought lost forever. His face. The very thing that had been his best weapon, his greatest performance. Hundreds of conquests had whispered praises of his beauty before they met their grisly ends in Cazador’s chambers. Even his master had seemed taken with it—or obsessed with it. Why else would he linger over Astarion, why else would his screams be called “the sweetest”? That had to be the reason. The only reason.

A quivering breath escaped him, and he refocused on Alluna. The care in her gaze held him steady, anchoring him to the present. For the first time in centuries, he let himself want something, and the words fell from his lips like a confession. “I… I want to… see my face.” Her beaming smile overtook her features, and something inside him fluttered. How could a smile like that make him feel so light?

“Are you certain?” she asked gently, her tone steady despite the tremble of anticipation in her voice.

Astarion hesitated, his thoughts churning, but then he nodded. Her response was a quiet, affirming nod, and she raised a hand, gesturing toward her temple. “Alright. Let’s try this.”

It wasn’t easy. Alluna still struggled with harnessing the tadpole’s power, and her initial attempts were clumsy. Astarion flinched as her mind brushed his, the sensation as foreign and invasive as it was tender. “I’m sorry,” she murmured, pulling back instantly.

He shook his head, steadying himself. “No, just… slower.”

She adjusted, her presence featherlight as she pushed against the fragile wall in his mind. It wasn’t a barrier made of steel or stone; it was paper-thin, yet impossibly vast, stretching over centuries of memories too dark to look at. The fragility of it unnerved her. She moved with care, soft and steady, like tracing the edges of a broken mirror.

Astarion’s brows furrowed as he felt her again, her presence like the ghost of a lover’s touch—tentative, patient, and maddeningly gentle. The instinct to pull away screamed in him, but he held fast. Slowly, he let the gates open, just enough to let her through.

When her presence faltered, pressing too hard, he winced, and she immediately pulled back. “Sorry—”

“You’re fine,” he interrupted, his voice tight but resolute. “Just… let me guide you.”

It took time. His breathing was shallow, his entire body tense as he adjusted to the sensation of another person inside his mind. She didn’t prod or poke at his memories, as she had promised. She hovered, a patient presence, waiting for him to be ready.

When he finally nodded, the breath he let out was shuddering, his voice hoarse as he whispered, “Alright. Do it.”

Alluna projected her vision into him, and they both gasped. Their sight warped and contorted, the raw psionic power rushing through their minds threatening to buckle her resolve. She staggered, clutching her temple, but her tadpole greedily absorbed the energy, steadying her.

Astarion stumbled back a step, his hands shooting up to steady himself. His vision darkened, and panic clawed at him. He thought, for a terrifying moment, that they’d done something irreversible. But then the familiar, squirming presence of the tadpole seemed to lap up the excess energy, settling the chaos inside him.

And then, the darkness faded.

He blinked, his consciousness expanding beyond his body, and froze as his vision resolved into a figure. A stranger stared back at him—a pale face, sharp and angular, framed by silver-white hair. Crimson eyes glinted like rubies, hollowed with centuries of torment, yet achingly beautiful.

His breath hitched. “Is… Is that…”

The thought broke off as the shock hit him like a thunderclap, raw and overwhelming. Alluna felt it through their connection—a suffocating weight, cold and unrelenting, like drowning in ice water. Her chest tightened, her breath hitching as she realized these weren’t her emotions. Astarion’s grief and disbelief surged through her, raw and jagged, pulling her under.

A single tear slipped down his cheek, and before she could think, her hand moved on its own. She reached up and brushed it away, her fingers warm against his cool skin. Astarion shuddered under her touch, his eyes widening. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“N-No…” His voice broke, barely more than a whisper. His hand rose to cover hers, trembling as it settled over her fingers. “It’s… okay. I don’t mind.”

Her heart clenched at the fragility in his tone. She offered him a soft smile, stepping closer as her thumb brushed gently over his cheek.

His gaze returned to the vision before him, and slowly, the shock ebbed, replaced by something lighter, brighter. His lips parted in wonder. “It’s… me,” he whispered, the words trembling with disbelief.

A smile—genuine and unrestrained—spread across his face, growing until it overtook him like wildfire. “After all these years…” His voice wavered as he reached toward his face, his fingers brushing his cheek as though to confirm the image was real. “Hello again. Gods, I missed you.”

Alluna’s own tears welled and spilled as she watched him rediscover himself. It was the purest thing she’d ever witnessed, and her heart swelled with emotion. He moved his hands over his face, tracing every line and angle like he was trying to etch the image into his memory. She didn’t blame him. The tadpoles wouldn’t last forever. This was his only chance to see himself, and she resolved to give him all the time he needed.

If it took all night, she would hold the connection for him.

After a long, quiet moment, he let out a soft chuckle. “I am quite the handsome devil, aren’t I?”

Alluna laughed, her voice light and full of warmth. “Yes, you are, Astarion. But don’t forget—you’re so much more than that.”

His smile softened in a way that made him look years younger. “I’m beginning to see that,” he murmured, his voice carrying the faintest hint of hope.

They stayed like that for a while, Astarion inspecting every inch of his face. He even fiddled with his hair, grumbling about how those “damned goblins” had ruined it. Alluna couldn’t help but laugh at his rambling, her heart warm with affection she wasn’t ready to voice—not yet. For now, it was enough to give him this moment, this gift.

Eventually, Astarion pulled his consciousness away and gently coaxed her out of his mind. Alluna surrendered to the tender yet firm push, letting her vision become her own once more. The disorientation was brief, though it left them both momentarily off-balance.

As the world settled around them, they stood in comfortable silence. Astarion seemed lighter somehow, as though a piece of the weight he carried had fallen away. His smile reached his eyes now—genuine, warm, unguarded—and Alluna’s favourite part was how his gaze seemed brighter, more alive.

He had reclaimed a part of himself that had been buried beneath centuries of torment. To an outsider, it might have seemed insignificant, but to Astarion, it meant everything. He was no longer just a fragment of Cazador’s cruelty. He was his own person, with something worth fighting for: the memory of his face, his freedom, and perhaps… Alluna.

He glanced at her and caught her staring. A smirk spread across his face. “What are you smiling at?”

She chuckled, tilting her head. “It’s nice seeing you so happy. It suits you.”

“Yes, I’d imagine so,” he quipped, his voice playful. “Now that I know just how magnificent I am.” She laughed, shaking her head as he grinned. But then his expression softened, his gaze steady and sincere. “Thank you,” he whispered.

The words caught her off guard, and for a moment, she didn’t know how to respond. Then she smiled, her voice quiet but sure. “Of course, Astarion. I’m here for you, always.”

A warmth blossomed in his chest, spreading like sunlight breaking through storm clouds. He breathed in the cool night air, his gaze lifting toward the stars as though seeing them for the first time. “It’s strange,” he murmured, glancing at her. “For so long, I’ve been little more than a ghost. A shadow of a man. But now… I almost feel real again.” He chuckled, the sound light, almost bashful. “Thanks to you.”

Alluna smiled, her heart swelling at the sight of him. “You’ve always been real, Astarion. This just helped you see it for yourself.”

He tilted his head, studying her with a look she couldn’t quite place. For a moment, she thought he might say something profound or vulnerable. Instead, a familiar smirk crept across his lips. “Well,” he said with a playful lilt, “if this is what it feels like to be real, I must say—it’s rather exhausting.”

She laughed, shaking her head. “That sounds about right.”

His smile softened again, his blood-red eyes glowing faintly in the firelight. “Thank you, Alluna,” he said, his voice low, almost reverent. “For everything.” And as the silence settled between them, comfortable and warm, Astarion felt something he hadn’t dared to hope for in centuries: peace.

A/N: I had this idea sitting in my head for some time. I always wondered why Tav never showed Astarion what he looked like, so I figured I'd rewrite the Mirror Scene (though, the original is beautiful, and I absolutely adore it). Let me know what you thought of my story! Regardless of your thoughts, though, I hope you enjoyed. Thanks for reading!

EDIT: I made a book cover for this story -- check it out here!

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