#recovering from depression

[ididoktoday]

How we get better: a decidedly nonlinear and varied process

Maybe that suffering will slough off us like a crispy sunburn, peeling away gradually in its own time, protesting a timeline faster than its own intention. But slough it will.

Maybe that suffering will cling to us until the last second it’s allowed, like a sucking leech, our humors leaking messily and causing a real scene, relief and vulnerability entwined to tease apart later. But we’ll have time and headspace to do that work.

Maybe that suffering will be ripped off us like a warm blanket on an early winter morning, snatched away by a guiding figure who knows that what we need is more important than what we want, a figure who sighs down with love at our shivering legs. That figure knows a warm future for us that our eyes are not yet mature enough to see.

We are birthed in all sorts of ways. Let us treat each other as gently as newborns.

[put-a-keep-are-you-foo-dell]

It's been years since I didn't stay up until 3am writing

It's nice to be back

[cvrdncvts]

GUYS!!! IM ELEVEN WHOLE DAYS CLEAN!!! I HAVWNT GONE THIS LONG IN YEARS!

[ink-stains-and-constellations]

I'm... happy.

Genuinely happy.

For the first time in years.

I started taking antidepressants. I quit something that was making me miserable and I'm working on my art instead.

And a few weeks ago, I realised that I've stopped self-harming. That I can look in the mirror without hating my appearance. That I can get out of bed in the mornings. That I'm barely having any panic attacks at all. That I can smile, and laugh, and it's not fake.

Holy shit.

I'm happy.

It's getting better. It actually does get better.

[inksplashgirl]

Bird

My life is a bird

One that I once held with a violent desperation

As it left bloody scratches in my wrists

It’s wings beating my arms

Frantic to escape my grasp.

I held that bird with everything I had

And now

It is my friend

Sometimes it tries to fly away

But it sits on my arm and eats from my hand

Balanced on my fragile body

Clinging to the will to live.

[jatcv]

Slowly recovering….

But I’m doing a special surprise once I fully recover my body from this horrible depression and I’m going back into business l! 👍🏼

[kerysthemenace]

today’s outfit!! got the matching stuff for christmas :)

inspired by maddie and cassie’s matching outfits in euphoria

songs stuck in my head:

[nuagederose]

🩸 goretober 2023 // day one: starving 🩸

this pain in my head escaped from the hunger in my stomach which came from the pain and hunger in my heart

[alexggnaw]

The anti depressants are working

Things are getting better

[dippietheham]

Grumpy reminds you that's it's ok to try new things.

Sometimes that's the only way we know some things aren't for us. If we don't try, we won't know.

And whatever you try, whether you fail or succeed, remember to eat something. Reward yourself for trying if you can.

And drink up too. Else Grumpy will grump at you.

Grumpy wants you to stay well. As well as you can.

[love-in-my-twenties]

So... I feel nothing. And I feel angry and hopeless and so many other emotions but they seem to be so far away. Things get empty, my room, my life, my head, my soul.

And then I cry. I smile. I blink a few times, take a deep breath, I get up. I make a matcha latte - with agave syrup, how I like it the most (how it becomes a comfort drink for me). I text my friends that I'm gonna kill my professors 'cause it's been too long and they should've already checked the exams. They text me back, say that they will help, and I send them a picture of my drink. My best friend tells me that I'll turn into seaweed and I smile. And I smile, I smile, I smile. I open my laptop, I'll continue rewatching my favourite TV show. I have tears in my eyes and I'm scared and so stressed out and helpless at times 'cause my mental health was supposed to be better by now but, oh, it's okay. I'm okay.

[heartfiliadragneel]

I know it’s been a long time since i wrote here. Last time i wrote about how lonely and sad i was feeling at the time, how i was unable to see my future and see the beauty life has in it. I was in a really dark place and couldn’t love myself.

Now, as the years have passed, a lot of stuff has happened. Some were good, some were horrible and some were funny. One thing i believe now for real is that life does get better. Everything gets better and the things that were putting you down now seem like an old memory.

I do not feel lonely anymore, i’ve met new people that have brought me incredible memories and lessons i wear as a part of me. Some of them stayed, some of them left, but every single one of them gave me a part of their heart and taught me a new way to see life.

I don’t know why i came to tumblr to write this today, on a normal day laying on my bed, but i wanted to leave a message for anyone who is still reading me.

Life has so much to give to you, more than the loniless you feel, more that the calories you are counting, more that the loss of friends along the way. Yes, i’ve met a lot of people, but the person i’m most proud to met is myself.

I have so much to offer to this life and i’m willing and even excited to see what i have ahead of me in the next years.

It might sound cliché but if one of them is true, is this one: life gets better.

The old version of yourself is watching you right now throught memories and smiling at how much you’ve acomplished. Give it a chance.

[the-adhd-duck-on-your-shoulder]

i was a mature kid but in a fey-coded way? like i wasn't mature in a solemn, practical boss baby caricature, i was just a little bit unhinged and the most severe example of the Feral Girlhood phenomenon so i ended up being really logical in a mental gymnastics sort of way and was emotionally intelligent despite my inability to pick up social cues.

sadly my mother imbued me with a lot of problematic views so once my Mature Feral Childhood stage ended and in the transition from my Depressed Early Teenhood stage into the current Chaotic Fluid Teenhood i had to redo my childhood in a year to fix it and undo my problematicness

now i regularly view seven different news sources, have three neurodivergent diagnoses, and am radically apathetic about things that used to freak me out :) this is progress my guys!!!

[punk-rock-paganism09]

They sure don’t.

(—I’ll do a happy version of this later, since it’s two sides of one coin. ;) )

via weheartit

[astralautism1]

Reclaiming what PDA stole from me

- What is PDA?

PDA, Or Pathological Demand Avoidance, is a mental symptom found in all people but most common in neurodivergent individuals- particularly Autistic and ADHD individuals.

Have you ever been starting a chore- let’s say dishes- and the. Right as your about to start your mom comes in and tells you to do the dishes. It’s like the moment she said that your whole body and everything in you just screamed fuck you. Now I’m not going to do it. Why should I? You can’t tell me what to do! That is a prime example of pda. It is a feeling that your autonomy- for any arbitrary reason- is being taken away and the need to fight for that back.

“is a proposed disorder, and proposed sub-type of autism spectrum disorder, defined by characteristics such as a demand avoidance—which is a greater-than-typical refusal to comply with requests or expectations—and extreme efforts to avoid social demands. Any expectation, even routine activities, such as brushing teeth, or highly desired activities, such as getting ready to leave home to visit a playground, can trigger avoidant behavior. If the demand cannot be avoided, a panic attack or a meltdown may ensue“ - Wikipedia

—

For a long time PDA essentially controlled my life. It was this unexplained yet horrible feeling that held me back from life with invisible chains. No one else around me understood, and what they got they perceived as a choice and not some sort of outside inhibitor. It prevented me from finding a lot if myself, enjoying what I could in the world. Medias, concepts, objects, places. It felt like the whole world was getting claimed from me. That I was just a copycat of everyone else around me- nothing I had or would ever me would truly be me. So why be anything?

- The Plan

I am going to reclaim everything that PDA took from me. It will be a slow process, but it is a process that needs to happen. It will be a reclamation of all that I felt I wasn’t allowed to have, all that I held myself back from for this arbitrary feeling that I abided by. A lot of this is to get back at the people who helped to set in the feelings of PDA. Abusers, groomers, bullies, bad friends, family. There are so many things that negative influences ‘took from me’ that I refused to allow myself to have. I didn’t want to be like them, I didn’t want to be reminded of them, so I didn’t involve myself with anything that had their name on it. But that is the problem with it; They don’t own what I have PDA over. I do. And I need to get myself to learn and feel that. I need to challenge my PDA.

Some of these I have already started- but I will be going about and posting updates on my reclamation of things, how it feels trying to directly combat pda and my strategies in doing so. Below is my list of things I experience PDA about, ranging from certain medias to just abstract concepts. This list is subject to grow and shrink as time goes on.

- Reclaim Harry Potter

- Reclaim My Hero Academia

- Reclaim Marvel + DC

- Reclaim Panic! At the Disco + Fallout Boy

- Reclaim Legend of Zelda

- Reclaim Creepypasta

- Reclaim Kohl’s clothing

- Reclaim pink and purple

- Reclaim Space

- Reclaim Nature

- Reclaim Curiosity

- Reclaim Art

- Reclaim Knowlege

- Reclaim Femininity

[awkwardsavage]

I'm backkk

Surprise I'm back and better than everrrr. I'm 29 years old now. Still somewhat depressed but healing at the same time. Last time I had access to this account I was 17 years old and severely depressed. I'm so happy to be back on this account, this was my teen rant place.

I'm working now, permanent job. I work with youth who struggle in school and mental health. I love it so much, the youth I work with make my job 1000 times better.

More updates to come