#problem with too much break related free time is that I want to spend it doing anything but what I INTENDED on doing with it.

[great-cats]

[zoeykallus]

Hey hey, dear queen! If you have the time and energy, would you mind writing about Fem!Reader being stressed/burned out with Crosshair. Maybe she works a job + the work she is doing with the batch. She's cranky out of energy and when Crosshair complains about that, she snaps/has a breakdown of sorts? How would he react? I wouldn't mind if you did the rest of the batchers in this scenario too, but I know you got much on your plate right now, so I picked my favorite 😊 thanks dear!

Aloha!

Oh dear, you have no idea how relatable this is for me these days 😵

I do have a lot on my plate, that's true. And I'm really late with all the requests, I'm sorry. Hm, let me see...

The Bad Batch x Reader - Burnout

Warnings: Hurt/Comfort/Burnout

___________

Life is especially tough right now, with multiple jobs, little to no free time, and too little sleep. This not only affects the body, but also the mood. Of course, your Batcher notices that something is wrong with you.

____________

Ko-Fi (If you feel like giving me some coffee)

____________

>Master List<

Hunter

"What's wrong with you? You're so tense and impatient."

The way you quickly turn to look at him makes him pause, startled. Hunter is frozen in his movement and if you weren't so tense, you might find this sight, this moment, amusing.

You finally sigh and say, "I'm tired, and I want to finish here, stop dawdling."

Hunter frowns and resumes normal posture.

"We usually spend longer time loading equipment, chatting and stuff, don't we? Spend time together. When did you stop caring about that?"

He looks crestfallen, and you're sorry for reacting so harshly.

"Hunter, I have more jobs than just this one, I barely have any free time and I just want to go home today, as much as I usually enjoy spending this time here with you. If I miss public transportation again, I'm going to sit around here even longer."

Hunter blinks then sighs softly, of course he understands.

"You're going to break yourself" he says reprovingly and takes the box you just picked up from you, puts it down and reaches for your arm.

Hunter pulls you with him to his speeder.

"We're not done yet," you say, protesting.

"You're done here, I can do the rest on my own," he insists, getting on and waving you over, "Come on, jump on, I'll give you a ride home."

"But-"

"No arguments, get on."

You do as you're told and mumble a small thank you to him, ashamed that you've been barking at him.

You hear him laugh softly and say, "No problem, now hold on tight".

Echo

You don't even have to tell him that you are overworked, he already knows that you have more than one job and that you don't sleep enough. The reproachful look he gives you slowly drives you crazy.

"What's your problem, Echo? Why the hell are you looking at me like that all the time?"

He snorts and says, "I'm waiting for you to keel over at any moment."

Surprised, you pause.

"What?"

"You want me to spell it out? You heard me the first time."

You grab his arm and turn him around to face you as he continues to work.

"Excuse me, mister, what's your problem?"

He pulls away, grabs you by your upper arms and urges you onto a crate, so you can sit down. Echo looks at you so urgently that you forget for a long moment how your voice actually works.

"You need to quit one of your jobs, you can't go on like this. You have rings under your eyes, you're agitated and restless, you seem rushed and overtired. I hope you don't quit this one, but one has to go. Eventually you'll fold, and the thought of you beating yourself up like that makes me angry - that's my problem."

Echo will not back down, no matter how you squirm and argue. He means well and is extremely stubborn and unyielding about it. Don't get into big discussions, you can't win against Echo.

Wrecker

He doesn't notice it as quickly as Echo, but he will notice it. Of course, he's concerned and gets to the bottom of it.

"You want to tell me what's going on with you?" he asks you as you load the equipment.

You look at him questioningly and pick up the next box.

"What's supposed to be going on?"

Wrecker shrugs his broad shoulders and says, "Well, you seem really beat, tired. You're slower than usual, your eyes are all small, so either you've taken some drugs or you've barely slept."

You sigh softly and laugh humorlessly.

"I don't do drugs"

"That's what I thought" Wrecker says directly "So you're not sleeping enough, because you've been having that a lot lately"

"Yeah, my second job is more demanding than I thought"

"A second job huh?"

You nod and grab the next box, but Wrecker takes it out of your hand.

"Today I'm doing this alone" he says sternly.

"But-"

"Don't argue, you're overworked," he growls.

"But-"

"No, not today."

Wrecker will take as much off your hands as he can, but he'll also point out that you're only one person, and can't work for three.

"If you're short on credits we can pool, but credits won't do you any good at all if you wreck yourself."

Tech

He stops in the middle of your work and watches you. Suddenly you hear him sigh. When you look at him, he shakes his head. You are overtired, feeling drained, and already feel that you have no patience today, but you look at him and ask as calmly as you can, "What is it, Tech?"

He shakes his head again and says, "You are particularly slow and sluggish today, our teamwork is not very effective today thanks to you."

Somewhat tense, you say, "My deepest apologies," and continue working.

Tech frowns, adjusts his goggles with his right index finger and asks, "That sounded irritated. Are you irritated?"

You suppress a sigh and say as neutrally as possible, knowing he's not to blame for your condition, "I'm trying not to be."

"So you are?"

Now you do sigh and put down the box of equipment you just picked up.

"Yes, Tech. Can we move on now, please?"

Tech blinks a few times, then resumes. He tries not to tease you further or ask questions for now. But after work, on his way to the barracks, he passes the public transportation stop where he sees you sitting. You are sitting next to the station, your face in your hands. As he gets closer, he hears you sobbing softly. You look up startled from reddened eyes as he says your name.

"What are you doing here?" he asks, puzzled.

"Missed my ride. Now I'm sitting here for an hour, an hour I can't get back."

Tech blinks and asks, "And that's a reason to cry?"

"When you have multiple jobs, no free time, and barely any time to sleep, yes, that is a reason to cry"

His brows move up in surprise.

"Hence the sluggishness and irritability, now I understand the connections, I had wondered" he says quietly.

"Good for you," you say dryly.

Tech disappears for a moment, not two minutes later, however, he is back with his speeder.

"May I offer to drive you home?"

You wipe the tears from your face and laugh.

"That would be awesome, Tech"

As you climb up behind him, he says, "You need to cut back, get rid of at least one of the jobs"

"You say that so easily"

Tech raises his famous finger and says, "How about we sit down at your place and work it all out, find a better option for you?"

You yawn but nod, "Yeah, that might not be a bad idea"

"It is, after all, one of my ideas"

Crosshair

You've been tense all the time today, giving curt answers and even seeming a bit disoriented now and then, as if you had to rearrange yourself. Crosshair observes this critically for quite a while, but says nothing at first. But when you try to put the wrong clip into the blaster for the third time, he's had enough.

"What the hell is wrong with you? That's the wrong mag!"

Crosshair takes the magazine out of your hand and gives you the right one.

You snort in annoyance and say, "Happens to everyone."

"No," he insists, "You usually know these things off the top of your head."

You snap back, "I'm just tired, okay, just let me get on with it"

"You've been beside yourself all day" Crosshair grumbles.

You lower the gun belt you were about to equip and say, "It's just a shitty day today"

"Why?"

"I'm tired"

"You said that already. But why is that? Bad dreams or something?"

He can tell you're about to snap, he's just not sure yet if you're going to fold or freak out. Of course, he notices how hard it is for you to keep it together.

"I have several jobs, not just this one," you finally admit, "Lots of work, hardly any sleep. Every single one of these jobs is pretty demanding in one way or another. My batteries just don't charge anymore"

"Then you have to quit at least one job. It doesn't work like that, you can't go on like that in the long run."

You throw your arms in the air and say, "But I need the credits"

"So you're in a financial bind?"

You pull your shoulders up helplessly.

"Still can't go on like this, you're going to drop dead on me here one of these days, and I'm not cleaning up the mess".

You laugh softly and say, "How empathetic."

"Shall we go over your finances together? Maybe I'll see something you overlooked, a loophole, or a better option in general"

You are so moved, you could almost cry.

"Okay, now don't start crying," Crosshair says immediately, "It's just paperwork, I didn't propose or anything."

You laugh again and finally nod.

"Okay, I'd like to accept that offer."

@rintheemolion

@andyoufollowyourheart @clone-whore-99

@brynhildrmimi @kaliel2310

@misogirl828 @tech-deck

@meshla-madalene

@chxpsi

@thebahdbitch

@nahoney22 @ladykatakuri

@darkangel4121

@ttzamara

@arctrooper69

@padawancat97

@agenteliix

@allsystemsblue

@palliateclaw

@either-madness-or-brilliance

@ortizshinkaroff

@andy-solo1

@hunterssecretrecipe

@heyitsaloy

@greaser-wolf

@extrahotpixels

@hated-by-me

@hunterxcrosshair

@malicemercy

@bebopsworld

@echos-girlfriend

@cpnt616

@dangraccoon

@jediknightjana

@pb-jellybeans

@antishadow2021

@sleepycreativewriter

@projectdreamwalker

@1vlouds

@starwarsnerd111

[reikiajakoiranruohoja]

HH Critical- Alastor thoughts

Critical of Hazbin Hotel, if you do not want to hear critique, do not read.

As time has gone on and I have heard multiple takes on Hazbin Hotel, I have gotten some ideas about exactly why Alastor feels so flat to me.

The show spends more time propping Alastor up than challenging him. Up until the last episode, Alastor is treated mostly as a powerful badass who can beat up anyone. Only Zestiel and Lucifer seem more powerful, and even then we never see any sort of conclusion to the Lucifer vs Alastor fight.

Alastor is a main character and basically the mascot of Hazbin Hotel. Yet he mostly serves as the devil on Charlie's shoulder in the first season. This would be fine if he served as a static character like Monokuma or Kyubei, but he clearly is meant to have depth.

Suggestion: Have Alastor pick more fights he can't win. We are shown that he is a sociopath who enjoys the suffering of others. Sociopaths who murder often get caught because they lack fear and get too arrogant. Alastor should have to fight to get back his overlord status and lose some fights due to arrogance.

Alastor's race and faith are window dressing. There is absolutely no weight to either Alastor being a mixed-race person from the 20s or him practising Voodoo. Both exist mostly to justify his shadow powers. Alastor also seems to get his power for 'free' as he does nothing in the series that even hints of worship.

Suggestion: Actually address both aspects. Voodoo especially (with the right research) could be interesting to tackle as the faith is a combination of Catholicism and African Diaspora faiths mixing. What does it mean to be a non-Christian in hell? How is his relationship with the pantheon? Does Alastor feel abandoned by his Loa?

Alastor doesn't have anything to do for most of the series. Aside from trolling Vox, Alastor basically leers in the background for most episodes until the very end. He has no goals or anything driving him but amusement. While at the end we know he HAS an overarching goal, it is in the last minutes of the last episode.

Suggestion: Alastor is most likely doing what he is doing because Lillith is pulling his leash. Give him moments of small rebellion and show him trying to find ways out. At first, it might seem he is just stealing for lolz, but every item is chosen as a way to get free.

General suggestions;

Show how meaningless it is to be an overlord. Hell has a lot of opportunities for its citizens, different ecosystems and cultures to live in and chances to make it big for everyone. The Sinners get none of that and are stuck in the Pride ring. Overlords are just slightly bigger fish in an aquarium, they have more power but are as much prisoners as the regular Sinners.

This should be shown more clearly with glimpses of Goetia nobles, the Deadly Sins and the like. Both Alastor and Vox should lose their audience to Verosika or Fizzarolli, nevermind Asmodeus.

Make Alastor's main goal a quest to leave the Pride Ring. Relating to the above, Alastor wants real power, he doesn't want to be chained in any way. Being close to Charlie and her being in his debt are stepping stones to true freedom in hell.

Showcase the lines he won't cross, then make him suffer for them. One of the tried and true ways to develop a character is to challenge their morality and resolve. Especially with characters as powerful as Alastor, it is important to know what could actually hurt them. Put his quest for power against his care for Mimzy and make him choose. Offer him what he wants but at the cost of his morality. The point is not to break him but to challenge him.

These are just a few suggestions I've had, but I feel they cut to the root of my problem with Alastor.

[foster-the-world]

I love

I love when I get to hang out with any of my kids one on one. We need to make concentrated efforts to do it more often. I'm home with baby boy all week while my husband took the girls to Cali to see his parents/sister.

Baby boy is so much fun alone (as I've said a million times). We went to the Children's Museum and the MOMA kids art lab. Kids art lab was underwhelming but he enjoyed himself. Did a quick walk through of the art. He wasn't too impressed.

We had an indoor monkey bar system set up yesterday. It took the guys a lot longer then they planned. Last night I was regretting the choice. Felt a little too risky. I think I know how we can make it safer. Its supposed to be a part of his sensory diet. We used some funds we got when the DOE reimbursed for some OT costs.

Rebel was sick Thursday night. Thankfully fine all day Friday. Flew out very early on Saturday. His parents picked them up with masks and dropped them off at a hotel. They were supposed to go right to the cousins house and were scheduled to stay with his parents. I guess his parents were worried about the stomach bug. Which is understandable but I thought it was rude not too let my husband know beforehand. He got up at 4am to take two kids on a six hour flight by himself. He would have warned the girls they were expected to go isolate in a hotel room. Of course, my husband is a Saint and just went along with it. If my parents didn't see my girls for three months there is zero chance they would give up even one hour with them - sick or not. And they weren't even sick anymore. She never had a fever. Threw up 36 hours before. Anyway not my rodeo.

Baby boys ezcema is not good. His poor little cheeks. I guess its just the cold weather.

My own scalp is so, so, so itchy. Before the last month I've never in my life had this problem. No dandruff just itchy/burning. Its not a super bad pain level but its nonstop. It keeps me awake at night. I'm assuming its related to the low iron and the hair loss. Not sure what to do. Trying shampoos right now. Probably need to do some kind of eating changes but not sure exactly what and also don't want to. My skin is also itchy but that's less persistent. The skin is also something I'm used to when the weather gets cold like this.

DOE is giving new options for baby boy since they can't find providers. I'm on the fence. It involves a different school. Its not far away, is an inclusive classroom (8 special ed kids, 8 gen ed), would include all providers (OT, PT and speech) , and would include free summer camp which also includes all providers. These are all big benefits. Its a fancy private school - which is not our vibe. I guess they reserve some DOE spots. I don't really want my poorly behaved (but o so sweet) black boy to be a scholarship kid (in essence) in a school full of rich white kids. In their defense I think by private school standards it is more diverse then most. I don't want my kids to grow up with kids who think spending $60K a year for school is normal. I think it just gives a view of the world I don't want them to have. But that's more of a concern for older grades. Not an issue for 4yo's. He can go back to our little public school for K. We need to figure out a place for providers and this maybe our best option. The free summer camp is a big draw. I need somewhere that can handle kids like him. One that is paid for and includes his services would be a huge win. They do swimming lessons and teach Spanish. He's actually picking up some Spanish vocabulary (numbers, colors, animals) so a place where that can grow would be great. DOE is setting up a tour after winter break. I'm sure its a very nice facility. Let's see how it goes. I won't hold my breathe until a solution is actually implemented.

[atley01]

This disability pride month, I'm left with conflicted feelings.

Whenever I post about disability-related things online, I always try to give my community optimism and hope. I know how much suffering can result from having health issues, and sometimes, you just need a break from dwelling on it. I want to provide fellow disabled people a break from the slippery slope of doom that dwelling can lead to.

But the more I do that, the more that I fear I'm showing an inaccurate representation of disability. That I am painting an image of disability to be something "struggle free all the time and nothing more than a 'unique character trait.'"

Being disabled isn't easy. You're living in a world not meant for you. And you get reminded of that every day. You might think its easier to mask if you're able to, but all that does is dig you into a deeper hole. Sure, I can suppress my tics. Sure, I can mask my autism. Sure, I can try my best to hide my POTS symptoms. I can act like my tinnitus isn't giving me headaches and making it difficult to function in society. I can act like my chronic pain isnt making me want to collapse to the floor. I can pretend I dont need a mobility aid.

Sometimes, though, you arent given the choice on if you hide it or not. And then that whole facade tumbles down. And you're left feeling a mix of embarrassment, shame, and anger. Embarrassed to be seen like that, shame that you may need help, and angry that your body did something against your will, again.

I started working 7 months ago. The first 3 months, I was so happy and proud of myself for being able to have the privilege of holding down a job. By the 4th month, I had some doubts about how long I could hold my job down. Here I am, 7 months in, and Im realizing yet again that I am not as able-bodied as I expected myself to be. The thought that I may have to find a less physically demanding job terrifies me. I feel immense shame for struggling to handle a part-time job physically.

I think what really solidified this for me was when I passed out at my job last month. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, but the fact of the matter is I blacked out, and I didn't get to decide I "wasn't going to." That scared me. Or maybe what solidified it for me was when my tinnitus prevented me from being able to understand customers and coworkers. Maybe it was when I had to mask and suppress a tic attack to the best of my ability. Maybe it was when I touched something that triggered my sensory issues, and I was simply too busy to regulate myself, so I had to spend my time dissociating to forget the feeling.

When you're young and you're disabled, it's difficult to be taken seriously. People think you're being dramatic, or they think its something you're doing to be causing all the health problems. "Have you tried changing your diet?" / "It's growing pains." / "Your leg hurts? Did you bang it on something?" / "Give it a few days. You'll feel better." The search for accommodation and validity is made even harder when doctors refuse to listen. Sadly, the medical system is not immune to being abelist. You can't request accommodations if doctors document you as able-bodied.

I have never claimed to be a voice for my community. I am a voice for nobody but myself. Maybe in sharing my Expirences, someone else can feel less alone. Or maybe this is unique to me alone.

Am I proud to be disabled?

I think that in some ways, yes. I am proud of what I have accomplished in spite of my health. I am proud that I have found tools to manage my health. I am proud to say I am a part of an amazing community such as the disabled community, and I am proud of what we've accomplished.

I dont think I am proud of the abelism, shame, or pain through. Im not sure anyone could be. If you are, I truly envy you. I am proud that despite the pain, I push forward. But I wonder if that's an unhealthy habit to encourage. To push my limits and ignore my body, screaming at me to give it rest.

This disability pride month, Im reflecting on my health and how it affects me, and taking the time to be patient with myself. Because Im doing all that I can, I do not need to hold myself to the standards that able-bodied people are held to. That is an impossible standard for me to reach.

Im going to celebrate the small victories. This time last year, I was passing out multiple times a week, and I overall had more tic attacks. Now, my fainting has been almost non-existent, and my tic attacks- while they do still happen - have noticeably been less frequent.

If you made it this far, please be kind to yourself, and happy disability pride month. You are allowed to be upset by the things your disability puts you through. You're doing the best you can. I see you, and Im proud of you.

[podraje]

It's 4th of January, I am still away and that's what's been keeping me from doing a 2025 goals list, but I'd love to finally do it.

In 2025:

🐍 I want to buy a hanging calendar (monthly) and put it over my desk. Writing monthly goals with deadlines works wonders for me, and I want to be able to see them at all time.

🐍 I want to get rid of my old notebooks from Uni, and buy a beautiful one, to keep my writing notes and ideas in, so I would have it all in one place while writing on my computer. Because now I have some in my phone notes, in google docs, on pinterest, in old notebook that is not aesthetically pleasing and full of ripped pages, etc. This technique worked well when I was writing my master's thesis.

🐍 I want to have at least as good of writing year as I did in 2024 (my best year writing-wise [propably ever]). I hope my calendar will help me with this.

🐍 I want to read more books that'll keep me inspired (remember how reading Lockwood and Co kick-started my 2024 writing? That was incredible feeling 😭). I just want inspiration ✨️ I love how new worldbuilding ideas are coming to me, I love this so much, I just need to figure out the plot, cause it's not going where I wanted it to and I need to get back on track, without going back and rewriting 10th chapter again (since there isn't much to change, just like, four lines, but I like them and that's the problem).

🐍 Honestly? I don't want a busy year. I barely noticed and celebrated 2024, I felt disconnected to it, to the natural cycle. I want less work related travels. I want to spend more time with family and friends - so more home related travels (2024 was lacking in that department) and I want to be able to have free weekends in the summer to go for swimming and go for walks, and ride a bike 🌊🚴‍♂️🚶🏼‍♀️

🐍 I want to have summer vacation abroad with my bf (we never had a chance to go abroad together). If this LONG stay in his home village taught me anything, it's that I hate leaving home for too long. So I guess a 5 days vacation will be the best option. Maybe a city break? Cause I like those the most.

🐍 I want to go ice skating (with my bf, because WE NEVER DID IT TOGETHER, which is insane to me, because in my hometown there was an ice skate rink, and I was skating with everyone all the time. And we have been together for almost 6 years, and never went ice skating!!! 😱 [because in the city where we live, ice skate rink is expensive and used to have crazy skating times, and you had to book them and it was a whole thing, and I was pissed off at this. Thank God they changed it]).

🐍 I would love to go skiing! I have been skiing since I was 10, mostly because my hometown is near mountains, and now, my beloved city is far away from everything (!!!!!), so a mountain trip would have to take a whole weekend. But I (after almost 6 years, good Lord 🙈) found out, that in my bf's home region there is ONE (1) ski slope and this is the closest one --- wait I just checked it in google, and IT'S NOT THE ONLY ONE, I AM PISSED. But tbh, even If I knew about it before, we didn't have a car, so we wouldn't be able to go skiing either way. Owning a car does wonders. Too bad we didn't have the time to use it too much (for fun things) in 2024. I WANT TO GO SKI!!! (I also want to take my bf, because he never went skiing, and I think he will propably hate it, because he has knees issues, but I would love for him to at least try/be with me).

🐍 We will start the process of apartment hunting, so by the end of the 2025, I would want to have at least a clear situation - will we be buying off the one we are currently renting, or will we be buying something new? Some verbal agreements with the potential seller would be nice.

🐍 I wish to get engaged this year 🙈🙉 I am not getting any younger, and I am the type of girl who needs to be married to have children. And I would like to have a child sometime around 30.

🐍 Last but not least, I need to start going to the gym. I have a sitting lifestyle and it took a toll on my health and condition. I want to start running and gain some muscle, because I am the weakest bitch you know. I tried running outside, but it's just not for me. I used to go to the gym when I was a teenager and I liked running on the threadmill (also my friend inspired me, she only goes to the gym for the threadmill, and for some reason I thought you can't do that 😅). Also, I want to start going to the pool. Same thing as the ice skating - used to go very often, but now in my city there aren't a lot of cheap, city pools, and most of those are on the other side of the town. Once again the car will help me move around the city more quickly.

🐍 OH! Also I forgot - I need to take care of my guitar. I haven't played it in around 2 years, and it sits sad in the corner. My resolution is to play it at least a little this year. Maybe replace the strings, because they have ~10 years 😅 Maybe buy a guitar stand. If it's out of the case, it would take less effort to take it and play 😅

I think that's it? It seems like a lot, but many of those will be accomplished right when I'm back home (ice skating, calendar buying, notebook). And most of those are just a lifestyle plans. I want to take things slowly, appreciate the cycle of the year and the nature. Spent more time outside and have more free weekends to do fun shit.

-> A bonus wish would be to go camping once this summer, but that might be a difficult to accomplish, since we don't own a tent (and I'm not sure if anyone we know owns one).

Everyone is making new year's vision boards, so I will make emoji board, cause I'm lazy and don't really want to do a vision board. But like, emojis that would encapsulate the vibes I want, seems like fun idea.

❄️🌬⛄️⛷️⛸️🎿✒️📚🎸📸🌻💍🎬🌲🏕🌿🌊🚲🛤☀️🏊🌄

[seoafin]

please free to ignore this if you’re not comfortable talking about it but i saw in a previous post you mentioned in the tags that you got into a huge fight with your best friend last year because you felt she didn’t put in enough effort on her end and i feel like i’m on the brink of going through this right now 😭

i’ve been friends with this girl for over 13 years now and love her to death but sometimes i feel as if my presence gets taken for granted. i feel like she believes she doesn’t have to put in much effort into our friendship anymore because i’ve been around for so long so there’s no way i’m gonna leave…and i HATE it!! there’s so much i have to say but i don’t even know where to start.

this is also semi related to my feelings on this but we have a third friend as well who we consider our best friend (corny to say but we’re a trio) but i feel this way towards her too sometimes. these past few months she got in a relationship and she while she definitely talked to us, she talked to us less and less in favour of her boyfriend (uni def played a part in this but she talked to him daily while we were lucky if we heard from her) but this past week lots happened and they ended up breaking up. this is genuinely the most i’ve heard her talk about her life with us in MONTHS and while i’m glad she did i’m a little bitter that she realized she should break up with him after some guy she befriended told her how trashy he is while i’ve been telling her that for MONTHS for it to fall on deaf ears.

it’s so annoying and i feel so stupid constantly putting in all this effort into these friendships giving all this advice for it to be ignored and be reciprocated back in lazy ways (they both give horrible lazy advice to me the rare times i have asked for it and it ends up just making me feel stupid).

i actually don’t know what i wanted out of dumping this in your asks but i just feel a little insane currently and think i’m crazy and care too much about little things. i feel so obsessive over these friendships and every little thing that happens while i know those two don’t think twice about it 😭 i guess i’m asking for advice on how to be less co-dependent? idk but you definitely don’t need to answer this if you don’t want, i know it’s A LOT to unpack and ur not a therapist…it’s very weird i’m dumping this here i sincerely apologize…

i do hope you’re having a fantastic day!!

i think what helped me the most was the realization that (cue that tumblr post) you can't force reciprocation. sometimes relationships and friendships will fizzle out. in the end all you can do is look back on and appreciate the time you did spend with them. there's no such thing as a wasted relationship. the only thing i can say is talk to them! i know how exhausting it can be to continuously be the one reaching out and how sad it is thinking you're the only one with any stake in the relationship

if you decide that this is a relationship worth preserving then you need to sit them down and talk to them. if they still don't understand then it's not worth it. let them go! i will say upon talking to my friend she did promise to try more and do better. and while she hasn't completely done that 100% i think i was at a point in my life where i recognized that our friendship wasn't going to be the same as it was when we were constantly seeing each other almost every day in hs. i can't keep on holding on to the past when we're completely different people! i'd say we're in a good place now. not as close as we once were but close enough that i don't need to rely on her when i go through life crises. i also don't harbor any resentment towards her anymore. as for being less co-dependent i think it's important to still be able to talk about your problems to a friend but i wouldn't look for emotional fulfillment in them if that makes sense? either find another friend or acknowledge that the advice they offer you comes from a place that doesn't necessarily have your best interests. rant to them but don't hinge your hopes on emotional reciprocation or a resolution. sometimes, just talking helps! you don't need to seek out an answer. also taking up a hobby doesn't hurt.

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

Hi! I’d like a little bit of advice, if that’s okay. I don’t have any close friends I can tell this to, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders.

So here’s the gist: my FP and I have been on and off contact for about two years now, and last November I was under the impression that i was going to cut all contact forever. Fast forward until maybe two days ago, I see them checking out my story, and I miss them a ton so of course I say ‘hello what are you doing here silly goose. You’re not supposed to be here.’ And they say ‘I just wanted to check up on you. I’ve had a lot of trouble moving on.’

So we start talking again and they tell me they’re doing okay and that they realised some things that may make staying in contact a whole lot easier, and it HAS. Except for one thing.

We don’t have the same problems we did before but for this one issue: they’re addicted to their work and they don’t make time for me.

I don’t know if it’s just me being batshit needy or whatever, but it’s literally only been two days, and the lack of attention from them is physically painful. I don’t know how they’re doing on the other side of it and I’m too scared to bring it up, but all of our interactions so far have been very friendly and affectionate and fine.

However, if this need for attention and depression about not getting it ISN’T an overreaction, what do I do?

Their work comes first, I know that, and they know that. It’s non-negotiable, really. I don’t think they’ll make any changes if I ask them to spend more time together, or if they do, I’m scared they’ll get upset about it.

We also both know that I prefer spending a lot of time together.

Being with them but not “with” them is really painful for me, and it’s only been two days. I feel myself slipping into another depression already, the intense kind that I only ever got when we were in contact.

Should I ask to spend more time together? In the past, that sort of request would have made them really moody and avoidant, but since they’ve grown a little, I wonder if it’ll be okay.

We started out irl but then we became long distance, btw, so naturally spending time together is really difficult. It’s just that they’re always ALWAYS doing something else, even when they have free time. It just feels kind of pointless to hold my heart out for them when they’re not with me.

Is the problem me? Should we talk it out or should I just cut contact again?

-

🍀 anon

Without knowing the full details of your situation, it sounds like they ARE genuine about missing you - while, albeit, ALSO having the problem of being obsessed with their work. And again, I don't know the full details of their/your situation. If they're genuinely in such an awful work environment where they have no time for other relationships whatsoever, that's one thing....but if they're using that as an excuse to choose work over you, that is very much not a cool move, in my opinion.

(And even if the first option is true, I'd like to believe that some sort of compromise can still exist? Like at bare minimum they could dedicate their breaks and time off to you??? I may be misunderstanding the situation, but it sounds like they're NOT doing that, in which case I am truly sorry, wtf.)

I don't think you're needy or overreacting at all. I mean, there's nothing wrong at all with being "needy" or "overreacting" - but even so, I still don't think that's the case, as your reactions are VERY human especially for a human with NPD. But I also understand (and also i applaud YOU for the fact that YOU understand) that their work does genuinely come first. I like to believe that's not a choice - because if it was a choice, and they'd consistently choose work over you, that'd def be a problem. But if something not in your or their control, God, I can totally understand and relate to how that's painful on ALL ends.

I don't think you're the problem at all, and I do think it is possible to negotiate in some way. Like I said, them dedicating their days off to you could be an excellent first step, and I do think you should try to bring this up/propose this idea in the most comfortable ways possible for you. Without knowing the nature of their work, would it be possible/make you feel better if you reached out to them through the day, just so you know they're there reading your messages and will respond to them when they get a chance? Or of course if the thought of being left on read/delivered makes things worse, obviously this is something you SHOULDN'T do, but if it's ok with you that may be a great way to help you feel more connected and give you a bit of an extra push to keep them in the loop of YOUR life.

I hope that helped - let me know if you'd like further advice!

[el-moscorrofio-y-el-mercachifle]

Hi, this is the girl who sent you the message about your favorite canon and non-canon 🥰

(Ignore if there is a wrong word or phrase out of context, I'm Brazilian and I'm writing this using Google Translate)

I'm sorry if I didn't explain it correctly, I wanted to say that I love that you bring this information (plot headcanon), and I mentioned that you forgot a headcanon that if I remember correctly, was mentioned. That's what Marcela says that she would ask Mario to be the best man at her wedding with Armando, I hope I explained it better now. ☺️

But I loved knowing that these are your favorite headcanons!!! Patricia's - oh, I love this crazy woman even though I can't stand her sometimes (most of the time) 😭🩷, I also like the one with Mario and Armando's (I really imagine the headaches they must have given their parents during their adolescence together). I didn't remember that Daniel bite his nails when stressed, but I remember him bringing candy to Marcela, a cute side of him that we hardly see lol.

And about noncanons: I believe that Nicolas doesn't know how to cook anything is super canon 🤣

Marcela always waiting for her dad to come home— it breaks my heart to imagine that, but I believe it happened.

Yesss, I also firmly believe that Armando was a very troubled teenager, one of those “problem teenagers”, it’s practically canon for me.

I also agree with what you wrote about the Valencias: what you said about Daniel having to mature quickly when he was practically still a child, and now being almost a teenager trapped in an adult's body, really enters my mind and how I I believe it's real, it explains a lot about the character even though it doesn't justify many of his attitudes (as well as those of others too). I feel as if he had a greater affection and desire to protect more Marcela than Beata, of course he loves them, but he tried to take more care of Marcela. That little girl who was daddy's favorite, who was very attached to them and who was more “sentimental” (I believe that Marcela was a very sentimental girl, even though she might not show it much) than Maria Beatriz, who I believe wasn't as close to them and always lived in her own world, and didn't even have time enough to think about his parents to the point of suffering from their absence. That's what I think.

In fact, I believe and have this noncanon in my head that Marcela was the typical intelligent girl (not a nerd), antisocial (with few, but some friendships) and insecure (despite being pretty) during her adolescence. The opposite of Beata, who has always been very extroverted, friendly and doesn't care what others thought/think of her (but I don't believe she was the typical mean girl, I believe she was that “nice girl” but with confidence, without being mean to anyone because that's not the vibe she gives to me). And I like to think that it was during Marcela's teenage years that she met Patricia 😂🥰, (although they have already commented that it wasn't during her adolescence? but anyway, I don't care) and I also have this image that Patricia had what Marcela didn't have: confidence during her adolescence, and she helped her with that. I can see Patricia putting Marcela's makeup on and the two of them laughing together, Marce saying things like: “I feel so ridiculous” or things like that and Patri saying "there's no reason for that", saying she's beautiful and other things. (Situations that I wish we had seen in screen 🥹, because you know, they have changed but they already had their cute moments and sides). I also see Beata doing this, but I believe she didn't have as much free time to spend with Marce.

Anyway, I loved reading your comments, you are awesome!!! And I would love to talk to you about everything related to YSBLF 🩷🩷🩷

Hi againnnn!🥰

Don't worry, it's okay! I see what you mean now, and you're right, I forgot about that canon detail!! I'm still writing my next "canon details" list so I'll definitely add that!! Marcela does mention that the day after she finds the letter!

Yessss, those are all little details that caught my attention! I love that they bring so much personality to these very alive characters!! And I'm glad you like my headcanons too🥰🥰🥰

Yes! I totally see what you mean. You can tell Daniel really does have a favorite sister, probably due to seeing how much it all hurt her. You can tell he has a very tender spot for her with all those candies and the way he straight up said multiple times that Marcela is the mot important thing in his life

We do see Marce was very antisocial! She doesn't like collection launches or going out, she says so herself, and we never see her with anyone else besides Patty as her friend so maybe she doesn't have many friends at all. We also know she's very good at her job so I totally agree that she was the kind to always study hard and focus on her goals. Regarding Beata, idk!! She is pretty mean. She trashtalks Betty behind her back... I think she's the kind who never ever would pass the opportunity to gossip! Like Bertha😆 but she isn't confrontational nor passive aggressive at all. She can definitely say rude things but it's mainly because of her lack of awareness lmao imo! I imagine her as being the type to inadvertedly create insecurities by mistake by saying tone deaf things like "omg girl!! I can give you the number of my surgeon so you can get the bypass and get your waist libe back!!" To someone who wasn't bothered by her weight till that moment lmaoooo she gives me those vibes, it's not ill intentioned but we know she isn't very socially aware

Patricia is definitely the type to hype her friend up! She actually does a few times in the show, although always making sure to remark that she is prettier than Marcela jajaja I love to think they also met during their teen years! Idk if it's ever mentioned un the show when they met, I can’t remember-- good thing I'm rewatching it again rn!😂😂

Awww I'm so glad you liked it!! I'd love to chat too, whenever you want you can send me a private message or an anon ask if you're more comfortable like that!🥰🫶

[dxfiedfxte]

Thread Continuation from here: X || @belovedblossoms

💘 - Yukari

Returning to the dorm after her own archery club, from earlier, Yukari had thought it would be best to take a little break for the rest of the day. And for her to be the only one in the main room, at least there was some peace and quiet until any others would return home too. She then heard the front door click open, seeing it was Minato coming in first as she waved to him with a smile. "Oh, Minato-kun, welcome back." Although at his request to invite her to join him at this horror movie marathon, Yukari's blood ran cold as her face grew pale. "H...horror marathon...?" her voice squeaked, "W-why would you want me to go?" Considering her strong fear of ghosts and most things terrifying, one would think Minato wouldn't even as her in the first place. Well, she isn't as terrified of them as she used to be, but still! Yet, perhaps it was the courteous thing to do? Maybe this could be another way for her to be a little more brave by watching these things. And even the little additional comment to be there when she would be scared was a little reassuring through teasing. And it was working--making the student bring some life back to her cheeks with a blush. Maybe...it couldn't be totally bad?

"Umm...I guess if it's just you it couldn't be so bad. But don't you scare me while we're there or I'll leave you there in the theater!" she pointed at him, a serious look on her face until she then sighed and got up from the couch. "I know I'll be losing my voice by the end of the night. What movies are they showing?"

[{ 🦋 }] - "Wait, Really? You will? Alright, Cool."

Minato was pleasantly surprised to hear her accept, he wasn't really expecting her to take him up on the offer, the fact being that it was back-to-back horror especially thought would turn her away. So when she agreed, suddenly, he had another date with her. What started out to be a fun little gesture, ended up turning into a full-on date. Minato liked spending time with her, so he was pretty excited to have her come along with him. The bluenette had no problem going to watch it alone, it would also be more of a much better experience with good company too, so he didn't mind it.

Come to think of it, this would be the first date of theirs they had in a while, both were so busy with Tartarus, and school club-related activities as well, so he was pretty glad to have another excuse to take her out again. Living in a dorm with everyone else on SEES made quality time together tough, so Minato would jump at any extra chance he got to be alone with Yukari again, away from everyone else, free to enjoy nothing but the activity and each other.

Needless to say, this probably wouldn't be a very fun experience for the lover's archer, still, he was just glad she had agreed in general. Because of Yukari's weak nerves about anything horror related, It was safe to say that this would probably be a one-time thing with her, and that would be just fine with him, just getting a yes from her at all wasn't something he thought would happen. One thing was for sure, Minato was going to enjoy this date while it lasted.

[{ 🦋 }] - "Hm? Oh. Nah don't worry. I don't need to scare you, the movies will do that just fine." He playfully, boldly reassures. A short chuckle follows her initial reaction before moving on.

[{ 🦋 }] - "They are showing three movies today. Paranormal Activity, Ju-On: The Grudge, and then it finishes off with One Missed Call. Our train is in ten minutes. If we leave in five, we should make it."

[goatedgreen]

HI there are a lot of these so feel free to pick n choose (i just love all ur guys i could pick)

Owen 23

Annora 27

Abbigail 26

Frith 5

Felix 12 (thinking about those wings n tail 👀)

Maria 16

Leona 35

Loreina 14

im gonna answer all of these so i'll put it under the cut :)

Owen 23: How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)? 

Owen by nature is not a very envious person, he grew up not having very much but was kind of resigned/accepting of this. But i think deep down he does become a bit resentful of those who have the things he wants (stable family, money, unconditional love and support), but he would never show those kinds of feelings to the person he envy was targeted at. Don't mistake that for him being a too good of a person though, he just doesn't want negative emotions to become between him and the people he's close to. He's selfish in that way, he would rather let sleeping dogs lie and not cause problems than potentially lose someone close to him over something so trivial as jealousy.

Annora 27: What causes them to feel dread? 

Annora definetly has issues with control and therefore a lack of it. New environments terrify her, it's why she was so scared of going outside for so long, and her powers didn't make that lack of control any easier on her. I think to truly make her feel dread, it would be to put her in a situation with a bad outcome, that she could truly do nothing about. She tries to prepare for everything.

Abbi 26: What is their preferred mode of transportation? 

she hasnt been exposed to very many as leaving the palace grounds hasn't really been on the table for her, but after some adventures her favourite way of getting around was on the backs of ... well i havent named the animal yet but its like if a wolf, a horse, and a dragon combined and became like a tamed beast. ill draw it one day i prommy LOL

Frith 5: How easy is it to earn their mistrust?

he doesn't really think for himself for a long time! he's loyal to the king, and the king tells him to do what Loreina says, and if Loreina says someone can't be trusted they cant, and if she says someone can be trusted they can. it takes a while for him to break out of this mindset... its not that he mistrusts people, just that he hasn't thought about it either way unless he's been told to.

Felix 12: How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach?

This man is goofy and silly, he will spend ages stretching and contorting trying to reach the itch and once he realise he cant get it he will throw himself at the nearest person and put on a soap opera worthy performance in order to get them to reach it for him. they usually give in.

Maria 16: What makes their stomach turn?

big league gambling :) and generally mistreatment towards children. she has quite the protective streak.

Leona 35: How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive? 

she definetely pretends to be exasperated but always joins in on shenanigans. if its an interest her friends have, she'll act disinterested, but they always know better because she'll ask clarifying questions and bring up the thing later on to cheer them up or get them things related to it. but she DOESNT CARE!!! important you know that. definetely not. no way.

Loreina 14: What animal do they fear most?

She doesn't feel fear >:) animals fear her >:) ... not exactly an exaggeration but she does find the palace guard dogs pretty annoying. she doesnt like how mindlessly they follow orders, it freaks her out that an animal capable of ripping her throat out could be cowed so easily by the promise of a treat. nevermind that she basically has her own dog in the form of Frith :)

[exilederdrick]

Path of Exile 2 - Day 11: A Failed Damage Check

Platform: PC Controls: X-Input Controller Class: Titan Level: 45

Skills: Rolling Slam L10 with Overpower and Splinter Boneshatter L10 with Execute, Impact Shockwave, and Magnified Effect Volcanic Fissure L10 with Fire Infusion, Ignition, and Persistence Shield Charge L10 with Stomping Ground and Second Wind Armour Breaker L10 with Martial Tempo, Break Endurance, and Break Posture Infernal Cry L10 with Premeditation and Corrupting Cry Perfect Strike L10 with Eternal Flame and Unbreakable Sunder L10 with Brutality and Fist of War Overwhelming Presence L10 with Precision and Vitality

Content: Drowned City and Motlen Vault

I was not able to play much more today. Oh well. Hopefully tomorrow.

What's Working For Me:

Again, I've got to repeat how much the sound design is on point. At this point, I'm regularly breaking armour before or as I'm defeating enemies. The sound mixing when I land the killing blow is just a feast now. Just loving it!

Today I also had one of the moments where the improved vendors showed their usefulness. I always feel like I need more damage. And since I'm trying to fix accuracy without taking Resolute Technique, I can't just put more damage on the tree right now. This another one of those moments I'm glad I'll be able to respec, and I appreciate that respecing is going to be easier soon. But because of this, I'm always looking for better weapons.

Tonight, I ended up fighting Mektul. In addition to being a cool idea for a fight, I think he makes a great damage check before going into Cruel. I'm actually very fond of damage and defense check encounters. They provide a way for you to gauge your progress related to the difficulty of encounters around you. Really useful if you've been relying more on skill or patience. And I'm probably guilty of the latter. Either way, the molten gold killed me the first few times I tried to fight him, and I knew I needed more damage.

Alva to the rescue! After some failed crafting attempts I remembered I should probably spend my gold before I craft. I talked to Alva, and after a few tries I got a significant weapon upgrade. I also checked with Oswald and found a good belt upgrade too. I'd obviously still like to do more damage, but I'm free to solve some other problems for now.

What I'm Struggling With:

I really don't like that so many builds in PoE1 are funneled into Resolute Technique. I want to rely on accuracy and be able to crit with skills like Sunder. Plus crits are fun! But missing my Boneshatter targets isn't. And while I know that Accuracy is a Dex stat, and Warrior isn't a Dex character, I do wish access to Accuracy passives was a bit easier.

What Isn't Working:

No real bugs today, but some more awkward dialogue timings.

The first is that I found the Molten Vault and talked to Oswald before talking to him after entering the Drowned City. This resulted in Oswald telling me about the Molten Vault and Kamasa before telling me to keep an eye out for Monkey Statues. On a side note, it would be cool to get some dialogue from The Hooded One about Kamasa.

The second was in the Vault itself. I found two statues that looked like I could put something in them. After defeating Mektul, I went running around trying to figure out what to do with them. As I did, I went back near the boss area, and my character repeated their line for seeing Mektul. This one technically might count as a bug, but it's more immersion breaking then game breaking.

That's it for now!

Maybe! Maybe tomorrow I'll actually be able to get a good play session in.

Maybe . . .

[willowwitchreputation]

I think that, Latino American parents, not only in Brazil, from Mexico to the last country in Latin America, parents are like bears, as it seems that in Asia it is also, in certain countries, because I heard from above, so I don't researched in depth the extent to which Asians live with their parents. I mean, Latino American parents are very protective of their children, you know? My darling friend, she is already at university like her brother, in Chicago, as they are children of Mexicans, they don't mind living with them. I also agree that, as the United States like Brazil is multicultural, they don't mind their children still living with them, I guess. I think that nowadays, a lot has changed, it seemed that in the past people were colder, even towards their children, right? They seemed to be bothered, if their children lived with them until after university, I speak from experience in what I always saw in American culture. I think that parents also feel more concerned about helping financially and everything else, if their child had a good job, not like, owning a McDonald's in life. I don't have anxiety about driving, it seems like you feel free, you know? I have vision problems, so I can't drive, until both eyes are operated on, only one is. Even though I love the idea of driving a car or a motorcycle, I think that, you can live well with public transport (sometimes it can be bad or crowded on a day, when you're stressed) or a taxi or Uber, as it seems nowadays, everyone wants a car to be free to go wherever they want, as there are no buses, subways or trains. I rarely hear anyone, who lives in New York use a car. It even surprises me, when I saw Pedro Pascal opening a car, because he lives in New York, I thought he used the subway more than he had a car. Living in São Paulo, I've taken the bus, when everyone leaves work, I know how annoying it is. I think that, nowadays, if I were, for example, in New York, I said that, I live with my parents, since the time they made me, I wouldn't care, if an American judged me for that. If you don't care, where do you live, how did you say you lived in a big city? Sorry, I love talking, lol.

Yeah definitely, every culture has different approaches but there will probably be some variation in each culture too. I know what you mean about the US and the cold approach. I personally don’t have parents like that, but I know for a fact there are parents who are like, “ welp, you’re 18 so it’s time to get out of the house, we want to live our lives” or they just have a bit of a tough love approach to push their children to independence and have them learn lessons on their own. I can see value in both sides. But it’s a spectrum now a days and probably in the past. Not every set of American parents will do that. I kind of have done both. I did go right to college, came home for breaks and a few months after graduation, but I moved 3 hours away from them for 6 years (with several short visits a year). Then during the pandemic I decided it was better for me to come back and figure somethings out while also spending lots of time with my parents. I do have plans to eventually move out, but I’m taking my time. That’s great you like driving, can’t relate 😂. I might someday but it’s very scary for me.

I live in the suburbs now so public transportation is not great/or an option, so I just go where my parents go most of the time. I don’t trust uber that much even though I have used it in the past. It’s true about NYC, many people don’t have cars or even ever drive, but some do drive/have cars there. It’s just expensive and unnecessary for many people.

Yeah that’s cool you have always lived with them! I live in the Philadelphia suburbs. I did live in the Washington D.C area for 6 years, which is where I lived in a city. I used the Metro and walked everywhere! I loved it a lot, but it was starting to get more and more expensive (I paid $1600 a month for 360 square foot studio apartment) and I was a bit isolated during the pandemic when all my friends there moved away at the time. So I moved home!

It’s totally cool! I’m a chatty person as well, just hadn’t had to time to respond until now! 😊

[avelera]

#I agree with all of this#you putting into words has made me better understand why I like hob so much#hob gadling#meta#the only thing I'd add is that I (unpopular opinion I know) LOVE 1489 hob#like you said it's like a second childhood to him#I love the innocent look on him and like to think it's real#I think he lost half his village and his family pretty young#like 9-12#strong healthy kid probably worked for food and shelter for someone who had lost to many family members to work their field#then he gets roped into the army and then his life was soldiering and banditry!#for a century!#it seems pretty clear that printing is his first other job#he's likely just started a new life (looks young and is an apprentice)#learned to read (probably not to write yet I don't think)#I think he probably just now figured out the 'I'll live x years as y then fake my death' thing#before he just 'died' and went to do banditry the next town over#I think it's his first time having a 'normal' life as a young adult#he didn't get that the first century and it never occured to him for a while!#he's a peasant. learning a trade. going to taverns and playing cards and having 'everyday' problems like fleas and kerchiefs#not the plague and the war and your family dying and not knowing how to make an honest living#I think he's in wonder of that#which I find relatable in the sense today too we might lose our childhood/teens/20s to trauma and then#be so in awe when we sort our mental health get a job and live on our own and such - @sb-essebi

Ok first of all I want to highlight these gorgeous tags but also I need to say: how did you manage to so swiftly and elegantly redeem 1489 Hob for me??

Like, I still enjoy the con artist 1489 Hob headcanon, but, this take absolutely warmed my heart and shattered it at the same time.

Just... Hob after 100 years finally having enough time to emerge from the trauma of the 1300s, something most humans never live long enough to do? Hob finally having this second childhood after breaking free of the fight-or-flight necessities of being a peasant, and a soldier, and a bandit, to finally come out on the other side of that and have the chance to just... settle down in a field where death isn't a daily expectation, with means of his own and independence and security? Enough that he can start to have routines and hobbies and just sit back and be in awe of the wonder of the world? I'm going to cry??

It also jives well with a sense I've had about Hob since I first saw the episode, which is that he would feel so, so bad for The Old Guard immortals? That was my previous fandom, I love immortals and it's part of why Hob fascinates me. Because he's not a soldier even though it would make sense when he can't die. He doesn't try to save the world like they do, even though it would be easy to see the whole world as being your responsibility to save, single-handedly but, as we see, more than half the Old Guard are driving themselves insane by trying to engage, constantly, on the most brutal level with "saving the world" just because they can't die or be permanently injured.

I feel like Hob would pity them so much? Like, they see themselves as having finally matured beyond selfish daily needs but I could see Hob coming right back at them with, "No? I kept moving forward, you stopped at the trauma response level of thinking you need to fight the entire world all by yourself, that there's no other, better use for your time and energy and ability to help others except to expose yourself, over and over again, to the absolute ugliest parts of humanity without relief? How do you not expect to go insane after that?" Like, Hob's not a superhero, he's just not, he's not out there saving the world. But would Booker be a superhero without the others to channel his immortality into that life? He's clearly not well-suited for it, so it's not destiny, it's just their decision to spend their immortality that way instead of as, Idk, doctors or something (I mean, obviously Doylist, we wouldn't have a story that way lol).

My point is, I'm sort of obsessed with the idea of Hob not just Doylist being a fascinating immortal but like Watsonian, in-universe, being a totally bonkers immortal that none of the others understand, including Dream. Like you just... continue? To find life fulfilling? Not on the margins or in the extremes but just daily life and purposefully attaching yourself to the little difficulties and irritations and the big things like grief that come from daily life? You just do that? Because that sounds easier but also harder than being one of those super-powered world saving immortals, who justify their own existence mattering in the grand sweep by attaching themselves to BIG things like saving the world, rather than little things like... just being there to help out around someone's day and having someone to come home to.

So anyway, with your 1489 Hob read I'm just seeing Hob looking at the Old Guard and not seeing these badass mercenary immortals who have everything figured out but seeing traumatized people who never ever learned how to move on from fight-or-flight or how to get better, so they just stayed there and justified it by saying what they did was important, that how dare they do anything else but expose themselves to this horrible depths of human cruelty and loss every day? And him just shaking his head wondering how do they not get how much more there is to life?

Hob Gadling - the absolute maddest of immortal lads

One of the things I love most about Hob Gadling as a character (and as a result, do my best to capture in fic) is how unique his reactions are to immortality and to Dream, and how he so often does the opposite of what one would expect from the genre of "humans granted immortality" but also what the average person and most of the audience expects that they would do with immortality, lending well to the concept that Hob is, genuinely, unhinged and a truly supernatural creature in his own right, which is often lost when the character we see him most often juxtaposed against is Dream, who is even more odd and unhinged if in very different ways

(I've decided to be systematic about this and go through meeting by meeting so strap in, folks it got long, as usual!)

1389 - First of all, Hob simply bragging at all that he doesn't plan to die. OG hipster right there, loving life before it was cool. But also, ok, loving life after being born less than a decade after the Black Plague ended. And in the midst of a great many Black Plague aftershocks! The latter half of the 1300s was a truly abysmal time to be alive, with huge social upheaval, war, plagues, "two bloody Popes fightin'" and in the midst of all this is Hob motherfuckin' Gadling, cheerfully announcing that death is for suckers and he doesn't intend to ever do it.

The man is a soldier! You'd think he'd be more accepting and philosophical about his inevitable death given the time he lives in, the profession he has chosen, the fact that most young men his age were wiped out at age 9 by the second wave of the Black Death, and just, in general, doing all of this while having the misfortune to live in England at the time.

And then when Dream comes up to him, like a complete weirdo, and challenges him on this, Hob is actually pretty nice to him! He gives him a side eye but he also goes along with the question, tells him to ignore his friend's jibes, and cheerfully accepts the wager! I cannot express to you how many turns in the road there are between what a normal person would do and what Hob Gadling does in that moment.

1489 - This one bugs me because the most unexpected thing Hob does is seemingly regress in maturity despite now being 100+ years old.

Now, I'm a huge fan of the theory that he's conning Dream right now and putting on the innocent chucklehead routine to put Dream off from kidnapping him to Faerie Land in exchange for his immortality. HOWEVER, since that's just a headcanon, let's take Hob as he is on the page!

Hob has a job. A Freaking Job. He used to be a bandit and a soldier, things that kind of make sense to do as an immortal (like The Old Guard) when you can't die! You could theoretically make BANK there just by taking dangerous jobs. But Hob doesn't?? He gets a normal-ass job, though in that day's equivalent of getting a job at Microsoft or Apple before they became big, Caxton is like one of the first modern startups in essence, a new technology that made TONS of money once it was imported, and Hob was on the ground floor. Still. HE GOT A JOB as an IMMORTAL. He doesn't seem to have this immortality thing figured out yet? And he doesn't ask Dream hardly any questions about it either! You'd think he'd be frothing at the mouth to better understand wtf happened to him, but once Dream clarifies that he's not the Devil and Hob's soul isn't in danger, that's it! No further questions, your honor! WHAT??

Also, just when you WOULD expect him to beg for death (that IS the genre savvy thing to do, Dream's not wrong!) he DOESN'T. He's more in awe than ever, he seems to be experiencing a second childhood over the fact. He's just vibing and living life. That's so, so unusual in this genre.

Hob also hasn't done any of the savvy things an immortal might do after 100 years! He doesn't actually seem all that angsty about why is he immortal, beyond a bit of fear he might need to pay the piper (Dream) now for this gift. Most vampires in an Anne Rice novel would have gone through about 20 stages of grief after they dealt with the first 100 years of everyone they know and love dying but Hob seems to not only be unbothered but actively gearing up for the next century. It's so bizarre. IT'S SO BIZARRE and I love it because I LOVE characters who DON'T do what you'd expect!

1589 - Hob has a family. HOB HAS A FAMILY. Who in their right MIND would start a family, knowing you'd have to bury your spouse and your children? HOB MOTHERFUCKING GADLING that's who! It's incomprehensible! He does it anyway! It's why I headcanon that he planned to support and nurture his family throughout time, like it was all very deliberate to found a dynasty, but it need not be! Knowing him, he just saw a pretty girl and married her! He didn't even CONSIDER his own wife and children getting angry and jealous with him for having immortality he can't share with them? He didn't even CONSIDER the heartbreak?? WHAT?! Who knows! He just did!

Now, this Hob HAS begun to do SOME of the things one would expect of an immortal - like build up generational wealth, BUT he has a KNIGHTHOOD. What immortal in their right MIND would draw that sort of attention to themselves?? HOB, THAT'S WHO. What are you ON, man, that's INSANE! No wonder he got drowned as a witch the man had ZERO CAUTION AT ALL.

1689 - the man is destitute. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN IF YOU'RE AN IMMORTAL? This is AS puzzling as anything else. Theoretically, Hob could just take a dangerous job with a high fatality rate for quick cash and rebuild his fortune pretty quickly, but he DOESN'T. What went wrong? The possibilities are tantalizing and painfully human that maybe he did do that and failed anyway, or hit even WORSE strings of truly abysmal bad luck.

But somehow, at 300 YEARS OLD it's not until 1789 that we hear Hob has begun socking money away for a rainy day! How does it TAKE YOU that long, sir?? How is that NOT something you figure out in your first century? I've seen a lot of fan writers ascribe a certain amount of immortal savvy to Hob but it's REALLY not there on the page! The guy is NOT genre savvy about immortality AT ALL he doesn't do ANY of the things one would expect, it's absolutely WILD that he falls this low after 300 years after completely failing to, theoretically, CONSIDER this possibility! And then, AND THEN, the guy STILL wants to live. I mean, this one hardly needs saying, that's nuts after what he went through, it's on the page that he's NUTS for this. But the guy is literally in the gutter dreaming of the stars, he is unstoppable I love him so fucking much what a force of nature.

1789 - OK, we've already mentioned that it took until 1789 for Hob to start saving money for a rainy day but let's talk about the fact HE'S NOT ACTUALLY CAREFUL ABOUT BEING CAPTURED?? Again, least genre savvy immortal EVER. You can't die so you'd THINK that being captured or imprisoned or god forbid, thrown down a mine shaft would be the SCARIEST possible fates when you don't have death as an escape, but the guy doesn't even blink at the thought of getting captured by an occultist like Johanna Constantine, dude's totally unbothered! DREAM has to tell him after 400 YEARS that maybe he should be worried about this? THE GUY GOT DROWNED AS A WITCH, picked himself up, dusted himself off, got into some crimes against humanity, and MOVED ON apparently without learning a single goddamn lesson he hasn't had since 1389 which is how to kick ass and look good doing it BUT HE'S NOT EVEN A PROFESSIONAL FIGHTER AS A CAREER, he's just a gentleman of means!

He just... lives a normal human life and seems to expect weird things like being kidnapped by occultists to not happen so long as he stays within those boundaries and you know what? IT SEEMS TO HAVE WORKED! Because to be fair, how many of us outside the bounds of fiction would ever expect the wild stuff like kidnapping to really happen? It's statistically quite vanishingly rare! And that's been all Hob has needed, presumably, to not need to stress since the damn witch trials about his immortality! So yeah, I read fic where Hob is like this very savvy immortal but by 400 YEARS he's BARELY learned to have a savings account under a different name and he STILL doesn't seem too bothered by the possibility of getting hurt or captured! Like, AT ALL?! Absolutely class act right here, top lad, unbelievable, no notes. HOW do you SURVIVE like this as an anomaly, Hob?

1889 - By now, it SEEMS like Hob has bought a clue. He's pretty understated, he's made some amends, SEEMS to have resolved to be less of a shithead, and he's got this immortality thing figured out. It only took him 500 FUCKING YEARS. But again, Hob ISN'T fabulously wealthy as far as we can tell. He's not a megalomaniac and he STILL seems to be vibin' as just a dude doing Just A Dude things like HAVING A JOB and if we borrow from Hob's Leviathan a bit, he's STILL just jumping between industries, just living life down at the normal human level. He hasn't detached from humanity, he lives in the day to day on a level that's just INCONCEIVABLE for a being that's 500 years old.

1989 - Ok, moving on a bit from Hob being an immortal, because getting excited about technology like his brick phone is absolutely so charming I want to squish his cheeks, but he's hardly the only immortal to get excited about that. What I want to talk about is how HOB FORGIVES DREAM for 1889. Because, look, Dream is a prick there. Hob could have been more diplomatic but Dream could have waited for the apology and he didn't.

I have seen SO MANY TAKES where Hob would be MAD after 1889 and RIGHTFULLY SO. But he's NOT. He's not! There are so many fics where he has lingering hurt over it but that's just NOT what the character does! He blames himself! Guy did pretty much nothing wrong except maybe choose his words poorly, but he's blaming HIMSELF for making Dream uncomfortable. Absolute legend. Saints have nothing on this man, that is saint-like behavior. I'd be furious. Hob just misses his friend and BLAMES HIMSELF that Dream isn't there. Not an a single, microscopic trace of anger in sight.

2022 - And then, AND THEN, when he has EVERY REASON to flip out when Dream shows up, finally, after 133 YEARS, after Hob has APPARENTLY stuck around the area just in case, WAITING for him, what does this fucking legend say? "You're late."

THAT'S IT! He's not mad, he totally has a right to be! He doesn't jump out of his chair in shock, that would be a totally expected reaction to! He glances up! He acts like Dream is 5 minutes late instead of over a century WHAT IS THAT?? WHAT IS THAT?! HOW?!! They just settle back with a pint after that like it's nothing. That's not what I would do. I don't think that's what almost any human would do after a shock like that. I still can't wrap my head around it.

So anyway, Hob Gadling, absolutely FASCINATING character from the perspective of just not doing a single fucking thing you'd expect an immortal Just A Dude to do. Goddamn legend right there. Worth remembering for those like me who are obsessed enough to write this guy in fic. He is just so... opposite of everything you'd expect and that is so fucking sexy of him wow

[drdeejofficial]

Update 2024

Well, I must start by apologizing for not blogging much on here for a good while. I have been juggling so many things it has been crazy. I continue to have this underlying health problem that I need to learn to manage better (if I could put a name on it it would be helpful but at the moment lets just say it is related to the fibromyalgia even though it might not be). I also had a load of my teeth removed last year and my step-dad passed away. I’ll probably break it all down in future posts but for now I just want to go through some of the good stuff I have planned this year.

I am in the process of getting back into the photography side of things at the moment. I don’t really have the resources at the moment to invest in loads of new equipment unfortunately but I will be trying to work as best as I can with what I’ve got. I have my trusty Sony NEX-5R to work which has been an okay camera so far but in due course I will need to upgrade as some of the connectivity is getting a bit dated (these modern cameras and their apps - d’oh!). I bought a wicked 200mm beer can lens off a popular online auction site last year and it’s not bad. I am settling now on working on photographing gymnastics - something I haven’t had the chance to do too much of so would like to do more - and more street and landscape photography. I might work with some models again in the future but only if the right project arises.

I am quite esoteric with my shoot ideas. For example, I like the idea of shooting with gymnasts out of the training gym and outside in countryside or urban environments. I’m quite a fan of the apocalyptic look (think Mad Max) so having swirling skies amidst an industrial or barron landscape is what I’d like to make my signature. And being somebody that likes messing around with graphics editing packages it would be great to shoot stuff that I can use as a canvas for editing on the computer. AI has opened up so many new realms recently and it is generally a good thing in my opinion as long as it is used to enhance something. I don’t agree with AI completely replacing humans. It has to be in toe with the whole creative process not completely running it. If any gymnasts out there would like to work with me (I had a few top flight gymnasts previously booked that unfortunately didn’t happen in the end - c’est la vie) then feel free to get in touch with me. The same goes for models. My contact details are available on my bitly page.

I am also busy at the moment trying to get my music projects going again after a long (4 years) lay off. I’m working on a big project that I started in 1997 but I have never seemed to get completed. More on that in due course. However, I have a little acid jam project where I’ll be hopefully going out live just doing some live jams with a load of hardware synths, samplers, drum machines et al with a dancer and some naughty toucans. I’m currently working on some tracks that I’ll be dropping soon on Bandcamp though I won’t really be releasing very much with this project as it is all about playing live. Currently looking for a dancer but I am headhunting some people so hopefully that will be a position filled rather soon. I also have a little beat making project where I do some downtempo, lo-fi sounding FM Pop-influenced sombre beats. I’ll be dropping all of these on my feed as and when.

I’m hoping to spend a lot more time on the bike this year too. Health has prevented me from doing so much previously but I need to find a way to get through the bad days. At the moment I have an e-MTB that I am considering swapping out for an e-Gravel bike. I want to only use the e-bike as a crutch for when I’m not feeling so good or when I am having a day when I am not so motivated to go riding. Kind of help gee me up a bit because any kind of ride is better than no ride in my opinion. I also have my “fixie” bike which I don’t ride because I’m a noob to that sort of riding. I need to find some folks who want to help a rookie learn how to ride fixed. So if that is you give me a bell. I’ll bring the beers. I also have my hardtail which I bought last year (notable mention to Terry Barentsen and his “A San Francisco Hotline” video which inspired me to buy a hardtail) which I use to bomb down the woodland hills where I live into the town and use a street-based mountain bike. I’m going to be doing a blog soon about what kind of biker I think I am so watch out for that one. And finally I am looking at buying an old retro 90’s mountain bike. Something like a Marin Bear Valley or a Specialized Rockhopper that I can convert to ride the streets or light gravel with. In funky colors (well, it’s a 90’s bike). And I’ll share some media about that stuff.

In addition to that I have been endlessly delaying buying an e-Skateboard and I’m hoping to do so this Spring so expect some content on that when I have it. I do hope in the long run to retire this page or possibly run it alongside my new website. Part of the problem with me sitting down and writing posts like this is that I have so many social media accounts and I can only post to one at a time. I’d rather just build a website and point people there instead of spreading myself thinly over multiple sites. That way I can post all of my works on one site (photography, cycling mishaps, stuff I’m rocking etc).

My life may not be perfect but whose is. I hope that I can make some in roads into getting back to where I need to be this year and perhaps talking or meeting or even working with some of you this year and hopefully blogging a lot more. Peace y’all!!

[therandomavenger]

a note about something i'm struggling with

I’ve had to get real about some bad habits I’ve developed. And it’s kind of funny that I’m posting this a few days after my social media post, but that’s probably also part of the problem.

Basically, I’m on social media too much. I hesitate to call it an addiction, because I don’t know if it meets the same criteria as regards to what is actually going on in the brain, but I am always on my phone. At any free moment, I pick it up and then scroll through a series of five apps (Facebook, Threads, Mastodon, Bluesky, and Tumblr to be specific). And a lot of the time, there’s not even anything new there to see. I’m just checking the way a hungry person might open the fridge a hundred times to see if anything new has appeared. And while I do enjoy interacting with people and have found some great communities I don’t want to leave behind, I’ve got to set limits for myself.

The main problem isn’t any specific type of content I’m seeing, but the fact that it’s making me not present for my everyday life. There have been times when people, like my boyfriend, have been trying to talk to me, but I’m busy looking down at my phone. It’s hurtful to those people, and it’s hurtful to me, when I realize that I’ve sent them the message that they’re not more important than whatever drama is developing on Facebook. The reason I think it might have actual addictive properties is because if I get away from it for a while, I start to miss it. I wonder what’s happening or if there’s anything interesting that can provide a dopamine hit. This is a problem a lot of people have, especially people with adhd. Our phones are dopamine machines, largely because of these apps. I would like to watch a tv show or movie without looking down at my phone the whole time, missing important plot developments. It’s a problem.

I haven’t measured the time I’ve spent this way, but I’m guessing it’s entire days or weeks out of the year. But if I give it up completely, I will feel isolated and alone. I don’t want to lose the connections I have with people online, and I need to have some sort of presence on social media for my career.

But I can put guardrails up for myself. From now on, I will not check social media before 3:00 p.m. on weekdays. And after that, I will let myself have a twenty-minute scrolling session, then set a timer and not do it again for at least 2 hours. This is going to be a huge adjustment, because I tend to grab my phone without even thinking about what I’m doing. So, during the down times, I’m going to give my phone to my boyfriend to guard for me. He will hear if I get a phone call, and I can use it for music while I work and audiobooks while I go for a walk, but when I’m home, the phone is not going to be next to me except in timed intervals for that specific purpose. If I have something important to post, I will give myself 2 minutes to post it and then get out. But really, none of my posts are ever that important. They can wait.

I need to be where I am, engaging with the people in front of me. I’ve always had a problem with not being present, with having my head in the clouds. This just makes that worse. So, if you really need to talk to me, and you don’t have my phone number, send me a direct message and I will get a notification for that (I did already turn my social media notifications off) which my boyfriend will hear, and I will respond to your message. Or leave a message the old way, and just realize it might be a couple of hours before I see it.   

I need to break the leash my phone and social media have around my neck. I need healthier boundaries for myself. And I think a lot of people can probably relate to this. If I have some downtime during the day when I am alone, I will read a book. It’s a much healthier way to spend my time.