#probably with cptsd or something

[caroldanverscanrawme]

chris, recounting this to wyatt and grown-up-demon-baby many years later: look it made sense at the time!!

wyatt and demon-baby:

Charmed → 6.09 “Little Monsters” (November 16, 2003, dir. James L. Conway)

[aurangg]

I don’t want to be perceived or understood or feel exposed, I want to remain a mystery to people. I want you to not know who or what I am.

Even the idea of a medical record where doctors can see what I’ve been to the doctors for previously is too exposing. You know too much about me, and I don’t like that. By that alone, I perceive you as a threat.

[malkaleh]

I keep trying to write an update and then being embarrassed about it and feeling like I’m trauma dumping on people by updating and I just..I know it’s on me to manage my crap, I know. I am trying (not very well but I’m trying) and it’s just…I don’t know. I don’t even know.

[seventh-district]

.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

billions also comedy gold presenting winston as a scapegoat for abuse culture fans when it's like but hey it can't be actual scapegoating if you Enjoy It or consider it Justified or experience Reassurance from Its Opportunity For A Group Cohesion Substitute For A Cohesion Based On An Inherent Equal Degree Of Belonging, The Absence Of Which Allows For, Encourages, Reinforces, & Rewards Scapegoating

it can't be Bullying if someone's Weird or you Just Don't Personally Like Them or Nobody's Actually Stopping You, Maybe At Least If They Don't See Too Much Of It, Maybe Others Are Supporting It

it can't be Abuse if you're just doing things Normally or are Following Rules or Aren't Feeling Malicious And Aren't Getting Divine Revelations Otherwise and probably it's just that a lot of abnormal people are being whiny &/or unfair &/or the Real malicious ones. kinda just like how that scapegoat is the real person ruining everything and really just forcing you to treat them like this

[knaccblog]

Ready Now

"Aziraphale has told Crowley he loves him, many times by now and showed him that he loves him many more times as well. But there are still years and years of rules and habits learned through their long association that are complete rubbish now, harmful even. It's going to take awhile to sort them all out." aka Crowley and Aziraphale are both messes but they love each other so they're going to work it out. Also available on A03

One action packed road trip and one world saved (again) later, Aziraphale and Crowley are finally back in London but things are very different than before.  For one, Heaven and Hell are officially and forever off their backs. No more being technically traitors or ex-employees or anything, just a miraculous and permanent severing of their individual allegiances (without any real change to their state of being) and a promised immunity from any further meddling. It was a bit dizzying to think about, to be honest, so often Aziraphale would not, instead choosing to focus on the most exceptional, truly unbelievably wonderful thing that had happened along the way which was that Crowley had accepted his feelings (once Aziraphale had finally found his courage and told him) and returned them eagerly with words and kisses of his own. There may even have been a slight drizzle happening throughout the whole confession that was neatly blocked by a nearby apple tree, though to be honest, the details of everything besides how it felt to hold Crowley in his arms were a bit fuzzy. 

They'd been home for about three days so far (and by home, Aziraphale means holed up in his bookshop) and they'd gotten up to all manner of things that Aziraphale had barely ever even hoped to try together. He'd even, after a bit of convincing, attempted sleeping, which he'd found enjoyable enough, at least on a short term basis and as long as Crowley was curled tightly around him. This morning had started much the same way as any other had since their return; lots of kissing, breakfast, more kissing, talking about some inane subject for hours on end, kissing and so on. Aziraphale had been assuming that the terribly similar morning would roll on, transforming into a terribly similar afternoon when, to his surprise, a knock had come on the bookshop door while Crowley was in the back finding more wine. Aziraphale had nearly sent whoever it was away when he'd just heard, barely audible through the heavy wood and glass, the declaration that they were, in fact, from the International Express Delivery Service and had a package for a Mr. Fell that required a signature if at all possible.

Aziraphale had sprung up, hurrying to catch the delivery person before they slipped away with a book that he'd ordered nearly two years ago now that had somehow, between the pandemic and a surprising chain of postal mix-ups, miraculously gotten waylaid just long enough to arrive at the bookshop very close to his own permanent return to it. Funny old world and all that. To be honest, until that very moment, Aziraphale had basically forgotten all about it but the instant he opened the package, he felt his breath catch in his throat. The cover, a beautiful, polished crimson leather and it's contents, pages and pages of detailed facts about snakes paired with equally detailed gouache paintings of them were collectively even more stunning than they had seemed in the auction catalog all those years ago. He'd opened the book reverentially to the beginning and, without looking up, drifted his way carefully through the familiar obstacles of his bookshop and over to his couch. This was going to take some seeing to, he was certain.

**** 

Aziraphale looks up some time later from a particularly stunning illustration of a Red Bellied Black Snake to see Crowley pacing around the bookshop aimlessly. He tilts his head. "Is there something going on? Perhaps something you need to do, my dear?"

Crowley's gaze snaps up to meet Aziraphale's as he stops pacing. "Right, I'll just- get out of your hair then?" Crowley puts his sunglasses on and starts to head towards the door.

Aziraphale feels a sudden rush of panic. Something seems off. "Crowley, wait!" 

Crowley stops dead in his tracks and turns back to him. "What?"

"I-" He waves a hand in little circles. "I don't understand what's happening. Do you have something else you need to do or not?"

Crowley grimaces. "Technically... no."

Aziraphle sighs. "Then why are you leaving?"

"Well," Crowley shrugs, "you're busy-"

"Ahhhhh of course!" Aziraphale nods and smiles. Now he understands everything. How long had it been since he'd even looked up from his book? An half an hour, maybe an hour even. He hadn't meant to get so absorbed really. Crowley must be going mad. He wonders why he hadn't just wandered off all on his own really. Perhaps he hadn't wanted to leave without saying anything but he also hadn't wanted to interrupt Aziraphale? Crowley always had been terribly considerate of him. "Well," he smiles, "Just make sure to take the keys when you go then?"

Crowley's mouth flattens. "Right," he nods stiffly, his tone brittle. "Wouldn't want to be in the way." He heads for the door faster this time.

Before he even quite knows what he's doing, Aziraphale's snaped and the door becomes temporarily uncooperative. Crowley gives the handle a little tug and then sighs.

Aziraphale's stomach sinks. He's a fool. It's suddenly quite clear that he'd been nearly completely wrong with his previous theory. Luckily for him, he's starting to see the shape of it now. There must be a second conversation happening, one he can't perceive, that's making Crowley very upset. He sighs and squeezes his eyes closed. "Crowley, I don't know what I said but please just talk to me. I can tell you're quite upset."

Crowley jiggles the door knob one more time and then turns around. Even in the sunglasses, he won't meet Aziraphale's eyes. "It's just, I've been here what, three days? And you started reading and I figured, ya know, that was my sign to go. I mean, you're bound to get sick of me sometime. I'm just trying to, mmm, keep ahead of it. Stay out of your way."

Aziraphale's chest aches at that and he frowns. "Crowley, I love you-"

"Right," Crowley snaps, "and we wouldn't want you to change your mind about that now, would we?"

Aziraphale feels like he's been punched in the stomach. He closes his book completely and sets it on the arm of the couch. "Alright, that's enough of that. Come over here right this instant." His face is stone and his tone brokers no argument. 

Crowley squirms as if fighting himself and then goes limp. "Fine, since you haven't given me much of a choice." He saunters over, his feet dragging a little. "Here?" he says, standing in front of Aziraphale, his tone a bit mocking though which of them he's making fun of isn't clear. (Probably himself)

Aziraphale shakes his head and pats the couch next to him. "Here please."

Crowley visibly rolls his eyes, even in the sunglasses, and then plops down, a wild sprawl of limbs, "And wh-"

Aziraphale reaches across and grabs Crowley by the far shoulder, pulling him rather effortlessly down so that his head is now resting in Aziraphale's lap. Crowley's jaw falls slack and his cheeks darken just slightly. 

Aziraphale immediately tangles a hand in Crowley's hair and lets out a contented sigh. Ever since they'd gotten together and he'd started getting to touch Crowley whenever he wants, doing this had always made his heart skip a beat. Somehow it's even more lovely than he'd always thought it would be. He hopes that someday he'll get to feel it at all of the wonderful lengths he'd missed out on touching over the years. "I love doing this." Aziraphale beams down at Crowley as he continues to run his fingers through his hair. "Do you like it as well?"

Crowley stumbles for a moment before finally getting out, "Mmmmm yeah. Course I do." He smiles a little shyly and looks away. "I- I don't know what this has to do with anything?"

Aziraphale sighs and meets Crowley's eyes as best he can with the sunglasses. "I need you to understand something: I don't really ever want you to go away. Like of course we'll do separate errands sometimes or you'll get bored and go for a drive or I'll go to a book sale and you won't want to come. Or perhaps you and Muriel and the girls will go to some loud concert and I'll stay home. And that's normal and fine. I'll even be happy you're having a good time without me. But I am never going to be gladdened by just your absence, you understand? I'm always happiest when you're here with me."

Crowley swallows. "You can't mean that-"

"Do I sound like I'm joking?"

"Well, no but-"

"I have spent enough time playing coy and pushing you away and I'm sick of it. But also," Aziraphale frowns, "you have to talk to me. I am, unfortunately, not a mind reader."

"Honestly, that's for the best," Crowley says, under his breath. "Don't know what I'd do if you'd been reading my mind all these years and just never told me. Discorporate out of sheer embarrassment probably."

Aziraphale rolls his eyes just slightly.

"Right, sorry, what do you want to know again? It's just the," he gestures at his own head, "fingers are a bit… distracting and all."

"I can stop-" Aziraphale teases, ceasing his gentle touches for just a moment.

"Don't you dare!" Crowley's hand flies up as if to grab Aziraphale's wrist. 

"Fine," he smiles and resumes his caresses. "I wanted you to clarify why you were so upset. Did I do something?" 

"Nnnn nah," Crowley shrugs. "I mean I already said it, didn't I?  You were reading and I didn't want to be in the way."

"And that's it? Nothing else?"

"I mean," Crowley grits his teeth, and then frowns. He looks like he wants to run away again.  "In the past," he says, voice small, "you really were asking me to go? When you'd do that." 

Aziraphale frowns. Of course he's right. Aziraphale is aware that he'd often pushed Crowley away over the years. That's why he'd tried to be crystal clear on how he feels about Crowley being around now. He just really hadn't thought about how confusing this new state of their relationship could possibly be feeling from Crowley's side. Aziraphale has told him he loves him, many times by now, and showed him that he loves him many more times as well. But there are still years and years of rules and habits learned through their long association that are complete rubbish now, harmful even. It's going to take awhile to sort them all out.

Aziraphale nods. "Right, I see. That is why I started by saying what I did. But perhaps… what if I promise to tell you directly if there ever does come a time when I do need you to go for some reason? No more you needing to read between the lines?"

Crowley quirks an eyebrow, his voice hesitant. "You think you can do that?"

"I can very well try," he sits up a little straighter.

"Alright, so from now on, I just what? Have an open invitation to the bookshop and you just want me milling around whenever I want to be, yeah?"

"That is the idea, yes."

"Well alright then," Crowley looks stunned. "I'll… do that then." They sit there in quiet bliss for a moment before Crowley adds, "Not to look a gift horse in the mouth but uhhhh, why exactly are we sitting like this?"

Aziraphale startles. "Oh yes! Sorry about that. My idea, if you'd be amenable, is that we could sit like this while I read. I thought it sounded… nice." Aziraphale smiles shyly.

Crowley opens and closes his mouth a few times before he says, "Mmmm yeah, that could work." 

"Oh good," Aziraphale beams down at Crowley. 

The corners of Crowley's mouth turn up just slightly.

"You don't think you'll find it too boring?" 

Crowley takes off his sunglasses and tucks them into his jacket pocket. His small smile gets a bit larger. "I think it'll take me a while to get sick of this, Angel." He grabs Aziraphale's hand and kisses it gently before setting it back in his hair and closing his eyes. "Now, don't let me keep you from the wonderful world of ophiology. I think there may be one that's a rather good likeness of me somewhere around the halfway mark if memory serves."

Aziraphale smiles and chuckles slightly. Then, sighing contentedly, he figures out how to reopen his book, now one handed, and settles in for a nice long read, certain that there is no better way to spend a Thursday afternoon in the entire world. 

[kkoct-ik]

my dysphoria is absolutely vile these past two days can somebody sent me a traffic character to draw with big naturals

edit: we got some boys i love you all

[sunset-bridge]

gorbo thoughts part .. 3?

goro thoughts update. id like to ramble again

ok i think he might not have ocd actually! i mean he could but like...i dont think theres too many signs. so yes id like to. recall that. i think that was just me projecting LMAO.. its ok! i love learning more about my favorite guy. you know what he does have

i stand by the ocpd. (obsessive compulsive personality disorder, its a completely different thing from OCD. its a personality disorder) also Definetely ctpsd (complex ptsd)...... ! i was talking with someone and they brought it up and i was like. WOAG.. after reading about it

disclaimer: i only talk about these because i have them LOL.. im sure gorbo has a cute soup of Other problems but like. i cant really talk about those well... i find these two really interesting though.

see. ocpd, is like the perfectionist control freak disorder. its what people Think ocd is lol. BUT as a personality disorder, its so much more than that. people with ocpd also:

-you tend to have a black and white moral code

-your way is the only right way.

-you like to do things alone because no one else could do them right; this may cause relationship problems and you may come across as a fucking cunt ( i know this..)

difficulty compromising and accepting any critisicim of your actions or opinions.

excessive devotion to work and productivity

sosososo afraid of failure even if its kinda small. you feel it will ruin your image forever and ever. if i make a mistake put me to death please.

Frequently become overly fixated on a single idea, task or belief. even to detriment of . everything else in your life...

yeah...

me and some friends definetely see some of these in goro! ofc im so happy to hear what you guys think, i dont mind changing my views at all (like with the ocd thing i changed opinion about!)

like.. hes super fixated on his revenge plan, its the Only thing he cares about and everything is fair game if it allows him to advance that. leave him alone, its no one elses problem. he knows what hes doing. he has to be right about his values and beliefs. he has to. or else whats the point. dont tell him hes wrong. what do you mean? you dont know anything about him. he cant fail, he cant make mistakes, he has to work hard so everyone sees him exactly as he wants to and as someone valuable.

and. cptsd. as the name suggests its. a form of ptsd but..it has the Special Added features of:

-sometimes cant control emotions well

-you feel angry distrustful and resentful at the world in general

you feel worthless, empty or forever damaged by an event. like if you were stained with dirt forever.

you feel isolated. like no one could ever even understand what you went through (not in like an. edgy kid way. like fr. you feel even if you explained to people. they wouldnt understand you and your feelings. or theyd judge you and further hurt you...)

avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them very difficult (!!)

escapism or depersonalisation...dissociative behaviors .

yeah.. ! yeah. i think these ring quite some bells huh..! its really shitty! you feel like no one would get it, like no one would like you, like you are ruined forever and theres not much to do about it.

makes sense that goro would absorb himself in his plan. after all. he felt he was some sort of curse upon his mom; as if he was the one responsible for ruining her life.. but hed like to "redeem" himself with the revenge plan. he has to, even if its difficult to go on. i wonder if he planned to do anything if he achieved his plan? i dont think so. its a bit sad but.. he didnt really seem to plan doing. or living much more after. its like his whole life he convinced himself his only use would be as the vehicle to enact a revenge years in the making, and thats it.

as if he wasnt a person. just a tool to revenge. i think this is why its so difficult, frustrating and downright distressing to him to accept he too, has feelings and wants and needs like any Normal Person on planet earth. no way. those just interfere with the plan. and he has no right anyways.

i thought how id feel, in his shoes and with all my cute soup of wrong stuff, if some guy showed up, hes the guy i gotta kill. ok. then hes nice with me, as if mocking me. hes better at me in most things. he has friends and family and everyone likes him and he barely moves a finger. while i had to work so damn hard to even get acknowledged?? what does he have that i do not. hes nothing special. so why? then this guy acts like a fool even when hes so extraordinary in every aspect... does he think its funny? for someone so special to pretend to be ordinary. when id kill to be just half as special as him. honestly.. id become super frustrated with this bastard too. his presence would infuriate me. and the most frustrating thing, would be that this guy seems to be the only guy that seems to like hanging out with me. what the hell. guess he enjoys trying to humor me..

man...

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

do you know who the infighting between mentally and physically disabled communities hurts the most btw? mentally and physically disabled people. who have to deal with communities supposedly for accommodating them being inhospitable due to ableism against their other disabilities. you’re not hurting physically abled neurodiverse people or physically disabled neurotypical people they just fucking block your shit. you’re hurting people who are physically and mentally disabled who have to deal with either their mental issues being treated like something they can just get over and any talk about them at all ever is overshadowing physical disability or their physical disabilities being treated as freakish and making them lesser and getting talked over and ignored and seen as irrelevant due to their physical disabilities. like if we’re playing who’s hurt more- which I think is stupid any harm deserves to be treated sensitively and with respect- then you’re mostly hurting people that are fucked over both ways and need a community more than anyone else. 

[chaosgenasi]

"it looks like it's essentially a minor ritual. the source is to be present or bound and the funnel is then attached to the focal point... though it will likely destroy whatever the source of power is, unless it's a massive source... i don't think it's an instantaneous thing..." this doesn't sound familiar at all

[sickgraymeat]

I understand 100% why this matters both personally and in terms of industry but I still can’t relate when people talk nostalgically about how shows used to be once a week. I’ve basically never watched a show that way. I didn’t have cable or any local channels or anything growing up so everything I watched pre-netflix was a dvd from the library (for example I’d check out like 5 BTVS DVDs at once and sometimes had to wait a couple days for the next ones which was agony yes waiting to see smth that came out like 10 years prior lol). The few times I’ve tried to watch ongoing shows I’ve almost always lost interest which I think is partly just distance but partly bc I don’t like thinking about it when I don’t Know. I’ve never watched a show that I couldn’t spoil for myself and the idea of not having that option is actually terrifying to me lmaooo do you guys really just watch something without at least skimming the IMDb parents’ guide???? What if a scene comes up that seems scary and you can’t look up what happens??? Man real life has enough unknowns and plot twists 😭

[mordcore]

how weird that ive been getting dizzy since im 17

and now, at 23, i finally know that its because of tachycardia. and not anxiety as people kept telling me for years.

[traumatizedmathilda]

just walking around knowing my immense self-hatred and suicidal thoughts of today was caused by hormones fluctuating or whatever (fuck you uterus) is not making me feel better but at least I can treat my fucked up thoughts like an annoying boomer screaming at me and just ignore it or think 'just walk away'

[gtgbye]

my dad is getting divorced for the second time and he will once again be trying to lean on his children for support and also its september 11th ergo this really is my 9/11

[carnivorepussy]

i had such a terrible time with psychs that like... if you knew me before a couple years ago, no you did not. medicated/withdrawal me was a different person.

i do think therapy recommenders on here wildly irresponsibly downplay its potential risks lmao starting obviously w/ the threat of psych and criminal institutionalisation which is structurally inherent to the patient-physician relationship but also the maybe more mundane risk of simply receiving treatment that is bad for you and counterproductive. i do not know where the idea came from that therapy is 'at worst useless'. at worst it fucks you up majorstyle

[lesbianstarlightglimmer]

Can’t stand my fucking family