#planning on being more active this year
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LETS GOOOOO
#planning on being more active this year#gonna go crazy#artfight 2024#artfight#team seafoam#artfight seafoam#artfight card#cinder.png
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Holiday icons for you and your worsties!! 🎄⭐️ (Or just a normal holiday drawing)
#persona 3#persona#p3#minato arisato#makoto yuki#yukari takeba#junpei iori#persona 3 art#persona fanart#also just checked my follower thingy#and i apparently have 200 followers now thats sick thank you 😭😭#feel like ive stopped being as active on tumblr i more post and shitpost on twitter now#i do plan to post like a art recap sicne U ACTUALLY DID DRAW ALL YEAR THIS TIME LOOK AT THAT#looking thru my old art wil be pain tho...#BUT I WILL POWER THRU!#i need to stop posting my art at like 2am -_-#minnidraws
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i hate feeling ambitionless aimless the future is so bleak
#this is about me not the events#i really don't think i have a plan lol and i ever will...#because all through school i had this thing. need to pass this unit test this half yearly this 2nd unit test final exams need to do this#cocurricular activity and the absolute relief when i flipped the report to see i was promoted every year. that was the aim right#now i don't know what's happening#a set set of friends i met everyday sat next to permanent place in the field where we had lunch. like?#it was all so permanent#i knew teachers did not like me or how people there felt about me#and i think a lot of it comes from the fact that i never changed schools#14 years in the same place then one random tuesday it ends everything ends and im supposed to start from scratch#losing friends was all my fault but goddddddf. i used to be good at things#like when i was in 10th grade i gave my everything to studying maths because mom threatened me that if do not get science here we'll change#your school#to wherever you get science#so i studied like crazy did not touch my phone for months and got science#like that is my level of attachment to that place#i just miss it so much probably more than my own home#and i can't belong anywhere because i'm so stuck and nothings good enough and i miss being good and being academically productive#it was my only win i think#this is so sad but i don't think i'll ever get that past work ethic back and it will never be good enough for me to feel good about myself#which can only be through study or work because im a loser who thinks she's worthless if not for a successful career#and I've felt this way for three years now. it is going to be permanent#everything is lonely
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sooooo i finally got gaiden which means i have been getting back into yakuza again!!
here are some sketches that i coloured cuz i do not rlly have the motivation for much else currently <3
#so yes i missed christmas i missed new years i even missed valentines day BUT IM STILL ALIVE AND KICKING!!!#i have been very focused on toyhouse+ comms (which i started there)#planning on being more active here this year but SIGHHH the tism is kicking my ass currently#anyways who wanted a life update THIS IS YAKUZA MFS!! we are sooo back we are BACK#shishido...i have not finished the game yet but..hes...hes so meow meow#ikk im so bad at semi realism and stuff i know for a FACT that in like 4 months im gonna be so embarrassed by this post but im trying okay#anyways actual tags#yakuza#yakuza game#yakuza kiryu#yakuza art#yakuza series#yakuza 0#yakuza fanart#yakuza games#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#kiryu kazuma#kazuma kiryu#kiryu kazuma fanart#kazuma kiryu fanart#like a dragon#rgg studio#like a dragon gaiden#the man who erased his name#shishido kosei#kosei shishido#okay idk what else to tag i forget every single time what i need to tag but whatever if this flops ill just take it like a badass#unculturedswine69
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Nearly one year after the events in Port Townsend, the Dead Boy Detective Agency is in full swing once more. Niko is back, Charles has confessed, Jenny has a new but improved butcher shop, and cases have been coming in steadily. Edwin couldn't ask for anything more. But then, family comes knocking on his door, and after over a century, Edwin is forced to face the Payne Family and its secrets once more.
With his little sister and brother at his side of course.
or.
edwin payne has little twin siblings that have been searching for him for over a century, but they aren't the only family that has been searching for him...
#been a while#over a year in fact i think now#well i have returned#with a new fanfic from a different fandom#how the turn tables#anyway#i plan on being more active now#love ya <3#dead boy detectives#payneland#palasaki#fic: this house don't feel like home
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What the fuck man
#she...wasnt even racist and outgrew her antisjw phase#like...she spent many more years telling people that people who identify as antisjws are stupid#also iirc she moved to Germany. that was the plan she and her boyfriend had at least and were enacting#but i never really got if thats where they actually ended up and i always felt way too awkward to ask#like idk i felt like i was supposed to get what country they were in from the conversation itself#as you can probably guess im not very fond of this fuck wishing death on my friend#but the point is that its fucked up to wish death on any refugee running away from a near certain death like whats your fucking problem#imagine hearing that a trans woman from a country actively trying to kill her is running away and passing through Ukraine and your reaction#being 'oooh i hope the colonisers kill her too while theyre busy killing the Ukrainians'#she didnt even do anything to you man
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what is going on w my brain
#huge tag rant coming but dw about it#basically. if anyone here has known me on the internet for long enough yous will have gathered that i badly struggle w motivation and#fulfilling goals that i set for myself even if it's for smth i enjoy eg languages#it happens so often but especially over summer where my brain just goes Nope#“i have all this free time to do the thing I've been planning for weeks and i've been so excited about planning but now we have the time i#will be numb and sad and scroll“#i also have huge problems focusing unless every factor is perfectly balanced and even then it's still 50/50#i do have a bad attention span from being chronically online but even if you put me in a blank room w my task i'd be distracted by thoughts#external deadlines are some of the only things that can kick me into gear and i've been fine at uni so far#but i'm scared i'll have another a levels situation where my mental health was so awful i missed every essay deadline for french for 2 years#sometimes by up to a month#the only reason i got away w it is because i had a breakdown in front of my teacher and he was like “yeah take care of yourself the essays#are not that deep just get them in first thing after half term ig“#like that was v kind of him but if i ever have a situation that bad again i will genuinely fail uni cus you can't get away w that#where was i going w this (<- is aware of the irony)#right yeah this week i've experienced the epic highs and lows#highs of really enjoying my downtime and putting active effort into my hobbies instead of my downtime being “scrolling but i don't hate it”#but lows of realising how much time i 'wasted' in my teen years feeling sad and scrolling when i could have been developing skills and#having fun#and yeah i'm having a high rn and genuinely enjoying life but it's making me realise that my default state of being is just 😐#like even when i'm at uni where my mental health is so much better than at home when it's just me home alone or in my room i'm just 😐#not really having fun just existing v passively mindlessly scrolling waiting for the day to be over so i can see my friends in the morning#like not every day has to be amazing but surely there's more to life than just 😐 in 99% of your downtime#like i've struggled for years on how to answer “what do you do in your free time” cus i had to search for answers#i read and go on walks. which is true. but they were always things i did as phone breaks during weekends and not something i actively did#because i liked them#and because of past mental health issues reading and sports based hobbies have become tainted for me#i'm working on it but yeah#huge tldr. i'm finally starting to accept that i probably have a combo of undiagnosed mental illness and neurodivergence#because if it's taken me this long to realise how much it truly impacts my enjoyment of life then surely that's smth
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i should not be concocting elaborate daydreams about characters i haven't even heard speak in earnest yet, huh
i am vying against the desk, nails bloodied and knuckles white, please let me make up more guys (gn) to kiss those other guys (gn)
#squirrel plays datv#i picture ver and davrin being shocked when people think they're a couple while they're actively holding hands#this? nooo well yeah we kiss and sleep with each other and talk sweet and would die for each other but we're not DATING or anything#coris is going to call lucanis “first talon” and “legacy” as flirting (derogatory) and they'll make everyone uncomfortable#because she's like 4'nothing and clearly domming the shit out of him on a regular basis#and she'll only say “luc” when things get REAL soft and she won't know what to do with that#and manfred will quite literally have an unspoken rivalry going on with tristan because only one of them can be emmrich's favorite undead#something something indescribable violence delivered stoically; hiding injuries because the healers can't do much#only the necromancer's scalpel can fix dead flesh and set a dead heart beating fast once more#............. those are all just the guys FUCK#crying please give me more neve news i need to go insane about the elfette i plan for her who's been in active yearning for like five years#and and and i need to hear more about harding because i want my leather and lace dorfettes to have their epic romance#oc: verbena mercar#oc: coris de riva#oc: tanner laidir#oc: tristan thorne
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ayyy
#winter holidays ^^#i need this#i will finally have some time to do things i enjoy and see people again 🥹#normally i'm always a bit sad almost when uni ends because i'll miss it#the rhythm of it and all the classes there and people#not that i don't like the winter break#well this year i'm more glad than sad i still like uni but i'm just sick of telling people off bc i have no time#and also i miss some of the people i had classes with last year and also my sleep schedule is sooo bad#i'm so looking forward to sleeping like a normal person again#i will still have to study for exams (and also train) but i will try to fill my time with things i enjoy#like playing tennis 😍 i would play everyday honestly if i could#and i want to catch up with friends from uni i just hope they#*they're still in the city during the holidays bc often that happens that no one is there anymore 😅#but on monday i still have uni football but without the uni 😂 it will be a relaxing and fun day and i will buy some christmas gifts :))#altough now i'm on the way home to my parents and i will probably spend most of the time there#even though i like living in my uni city it can get lonely especially in winter and i realized i much prefer living with others#and right now my relationship with my parents is better than ever which makes me so happy 🥹 because it was rough sometimes when i was young#and i especially want to catch up woth that good friend of mine who left uni unfortunately 🥲 i will text him if we want to meet#anyways i also think i will feel better during the holidays being active and nature usually helps in winter#aaand it's only 2 more months until february and the days will get longer so i will get through this#honestly kinda sad but hey one day i plan on moving to a place with longer days and warmer weather hopefully that will help 😅#like i was so happy in summer i still remember ... like once spring comes around i operate in a good mood again#nevermind#rant
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I want to quit my job soooo bad
#ranntics#I'm still fuming over a situation that happened over a week ago#idk. I just think that a manager gossiping about me to my coteacher is inappropriate#and she never gossips with ME which makes me think that my coteacher is a more active gossip participant than she's letting on.#and the fact that my manager wrote on both of our employee reviews that our goal for the year was for us to work together better as a team#and then she's going to my coteacher like ''leeann told me she thinks you're stupid and she HATES that she has to let you do lesson plans''#(not even slightly close to being a true statement but w/e)#girl... if our goal is teamwork why are you doing that. how is that helping us toward our goal...#I think that maybe you're bad at your job.
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aaghh I hate health anxiety ocd (or whatever you call it), it's literally doing nothing other than contributing to make my health worse
... wait actually, does anyone have like, tips/advice for that kind of thing? I really think I need some help with this one
#i (ai)#ocd#vent cw#I also have like severe decision paralysis + procrastination issues so that's great#like. being so scared that i have to choose for something to eat that is nutritious&healthy AND affordable AND eatable#that i delay my eating by many hours every other day (+ combined with many other reasons like general awful schedule)#is not in fact the amazing health plan my instincts apparently think it is for some baffling reason. fucking hell#I consistently have all sorts of digestive system issues and I'm plenty underweight. tbh my adhd meds prob also dont help with this part#....on that note I have severe anxiety with spending money (which I have very little of) too. lmao. just great#during the lockdown years my contamination ocd spiked very badly and it still hadn't fully recovered now#and it was/is really godawful harmful for my physical and mental health alike. like this was worse before but even now it really screws wit#my hydration habits. also its always my top consideration/anxiety to think about 'god would the toilet hygiene be bad'#whenever theres any option for me to go anywhere. so I avoided nearly every possible activity/event/social event I could avoid#that require leaving home for half a day or more. and I freak out badly whenever anyone comes to our home to visit for fear of contaminatio#some family friends used to send kids over to our place for dinner montly-ish & that was always my worst anxiety source for the month#I always dreaded the night terribly and it was awful experience. urgh.#gdi I wish I had less types of ocds like why am I cursed with so many annoying things at once lmao#...anyway ugh. i hate how my parents is about me getting sick/ill/any sort of pains etc. always jump to blame me at once#now I don't even want to tell them about it but I have to and they'll often force me to do chores as usual and/or never stop talking about#how it's so totally my fault for having awful schedules and bad habits etc that I'm sick & that I'm making excuses or whatever the fuck#that i'm an adult its my responsibility etc etc#anyway sorry and thank you if you've read this far lmao
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You know my New Years goal in 2023 was to revitalize my friend group post covid, and while things definitely aren't the same as they were in 2019, I think I've been genuinely successful?
It's the sort of thing that's hard to measure obviously, but our group chat is more active now than it has been in a very long time, we're about to hit a year of doing monthly tea parties, and I feel like I'm integrated into my friends lives again in a way that hasn't been true sense the pandemic.
It makes me so genuinely happy. Things might happen in the world that break your connections for a while, but there is always an opportunity for repair if a relationship is important to you 💚
#I've been unemployed for about a year#which isn't great#but part of that has been prioritizing social stuff over work#like I was planning parties and scheduling friend group activities all year#in am attempt to get people actually participating in each others lives again#and yeah#that takes an amount of time that doesn't leave a lot of room for other stuff#but I think I was successful!#I think I did the thing!#I'm finally feeling at a point where like#that the work I've put in is now being picked up and maintained by other members of my friend group#in a way that I can step back a little and focus on my own shit more#(this is what happens when you're friends with a community social worker btw - you get intentionally manufactured friend integration time)
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mental health update: i received a “time capsule” letter from myself 10 years ago where i was actively suicidal
#lol. lmao even#not to vent! but i literally don’t have anywhere else to talk about it#the letter was literally like ‘ i don’t think i’m going to make it 10 more years’#i hate reading it and thinking about it#like i’ve come leaps and bounds since 15 year old me wrote that#but also it is very very similar. i’ve been struggling lately#made a psychiatry appointment though! woo!#i’m not planning anything i’m not actively suicidal#like for all intents and purposes my life is good#i have a job that i like. friends who are very supportive#i’m proposing to my partner on monday (SECRET IF U KNOW ME IRL)#life is good!#i’m just so incredibly anxious constantly and trying to get sober from weed helped me realize that#as i’ve been using it for self medication for so long without really being conscious of it#i’m stoned right now btw. for accountability’s sake#idk where my train of thought went#if u made it this far thank u for listening i’m giving u a kiss on the forehead
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Trying to keep a lid on it but. Yeah. Literally don’t know what’s it like to NOT be platonically neglected IRL my whole damn life, only that I know this One Person doesn’t deserve to be at the epicenter of it anymore than I deserved to have been at the epicenter of theirs a year ago now.
…why am I like this. Why are we like this.
#tiger’s roar#…but like. good god. someone being Actually Genuinely KIND and insisting they DO like my company and want my friendship#(and is arguably mutually attracted and THOSE feelings of mine and what I’m picking up from them just won’t DISPELL already)#just. really stirs the muck. gets at that emotional constipation in my brain’s grease trap#then having TWICE now having Activities Suggested and THIS Time in FRONT of people then like…never following through?#all but thinking aloud with planning to witnesses things that sound less like hanging out and more like a date#and then just…not doing it?#when the Reality is Apparently Too Busy?#us fighting earlier this year over quality time essentially#when all I want is to have like. maybe an hour or two once a week or once a month#to enjoy someone else’s company. get a fucking REPRIEVE from my life#that’s…that’s it? nothing grand. just have the time found where it can be without causing strain?#I’m actually NOT a romantic even when I have romantic feelings? they just make me yearn for basic contact all the more#I’ll always be ‘too platonic’ within a romantic relationship so no it’s never going to be an ‘expectation’#MAYBE the one with unrealistic expectations is the guy who watches romance films and struggles with AllorNothing thinking perhaps?#and…yeah. trying to not feel resentful of their time spent this summer with existing friends when apparently not working 20+ hrs a week#in addition to their own research and god knows what else#…because it feels like there’s no space for me. and probably never will be. and I have never been ‘cool’ a day in my life#sure I own it as an adult. especially a 30s adult.#but having people recognize me as kind and supportive and easy to talk to 1:1 (my group aqauaintance/casual friendships SUCK)#but. basically never getting to keep any of them as friends? quickly ditched? treated like a used bandaid?#it…gets to me alright? like I only exist as Catch/Treat/Release but for people#which sure. the friend I’m angry at HAS been frustrated about me deserving better. looks at me like I’m christmas.#and I’m now fairly close friends with their beloved sibling. and despite things having THE Worst Start Ever their family seems to trust me#…but…it’s just…think I deserve better? think I’m worthy of your esteem and respect? think I’m kind and approachable?#want me to feel safe and relaxed enough to be myself? then just…do better.#ask when I’m available to kill a few hours then…follow through on that. that’s it.#not all the time. and my ‘expectation’ is to always be either neglected or used and feeling jaded about it#just…a repreive. for both of us. that’s it.
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Theyre going to think I like canon and purely canon if I keep going on like this
#i. despite my many complaints. do enjoy comics. and going into the Comic Reading Fandom#there is a shocking amount of people who are purely in the fandom but have never interacted with the source#while i do believe its fine to dabble in something you haven't seen the source for yet but plan to#being a creating active presence in fandom for something youre not a fan of. just doesn't sit with me#its just a bit baffling. to be a fan of the fandom amd never touch the canon#like lifelong christians who attend every service and judge others based on gods word. who have never even read the full bible.#its just all the pastors word and stories n verses they grew up with#thats exactly how i see it I fear#fanon dynamics and tropes heavily overwhelm the canon. and i tend to prefer the canon. so it gets frustrating#not to mention how many popular ones completely flip characters. reinforce stereotypes. have even more confusing timelines. etc#its like the online fan equivalent of years of domestication and breeding that turned wolves to pugs#not that extreme but you get me#i mess with canon. i like to get silly with it. i like to fuck around#plenty of things i dont like i Will ignore or rewrite! or make an au where i can do whatever on earth i want#i dont respect canon or think its the end all be all and if you step one foot out of line of canon ill maul you like an angry dog#its just like! maybe read the one singular comic issue youre about base your entire interpretation on the fanon version of#this is ending in just me complaining about titans tower yeah. sorry. its the prime example i fear#but at least its easy to filter out#man! if i just had a way to filter things out better..#sometimes it reaches the point where i consider just blocking the entire tim tag. sorry tim#i Will uplift the community i desire instead of focusing on my hatred and complaining!!#i just need to get out of art block and find cool blogs to follow that Get Me to help me out first!!#unfortunately i have a really weird complex about following people especially if they followed me first!!!#not sure what thats about!!#but ill get to the other things!!!#i am also just a complainer though !#and i get into arguments alot without realizing it because i love noting every detail and correcting people!!#i tried to put every william mention and appearance from tse in a google doc. and with ralpho. thsoe got much easier when i got#digital copies of the fnaf books. but what im saying is i LOVE having all the facts n details abt my blorbos. esp in over detailed notes.fu#havijg all the references on hand! and sharing my precious beautiful knowledge. carefully noted bc my poor memory. very delightful. fun!
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We're Riize's Sunz. Not my Cassiopeia Heart also being like. *Screams* (Don't conspire don't do it. Do it. No don't.)
Please SM. We need a Riize cover of TVXQ's Rising Sun..
#Riize#Sunz#TVXQ!#?#It is 20 years of TVXQ this year my guys#That includes JYJ members being active for 20 years#Jaejoong keeps saying “we” are planning an 20 year album#Ok more about Riize#Riize is so much fun#Shotaro and Sungchan; This NCTzen Nuna is so proud#Shotaro is my Bias#Sungchan Bias Wrecks me#So does Sohee!#We have some talented kiddos in Riize#Please a cover of Rising Sun#Someone get Yunho and Changmin to dance Rising Sun with them?
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