#petty tim drake

[brucewaynehater101]

im sorry but tim writing bruce/batman smut as a venting mechanism when bruce gets on his nerves is the most roundabout way ive heard of someone telling another person to go fuck themselves.

It absolutely is, and you're so right for this one. It'd be hilarious if Tim continued this tradition with the rest of his family members (the ones who are adults).

Officer Dick Grayson and that flighty Bludhaven vigilante? Now there's a steamy romance about how they both want to catch bad guys but from opposite sides of the law.

Red Hood and an OC that loves reading? The book nerd and bad boy pair up is a hit.

Tim likes to also write fanfics for Alfred/Jim Gordon when they get on his nerves as well. He likes to torture them by making them both parent Bruce.

He also writes fics with Batman and various rogues. His smuttiest one is with Condiment King.

[corkinavoid]

DPxDC "Pick Me Up"

The stream goes live on the first day of the school year. It's the usual song and dance - mad laughing, threats, poor jokes, terror, and about thirty kids huddled together in a classroom behind Joker's back. Tim recognizes it as one of the Gotham Academy classrooms. Dick can't imagine the horror those kids' parents must be feeling right now. Jason jokes about middle school traumatic experiences. Damian is feeling very justified for skipping classes today.

Bruce, all suited up in his Batman garb, is making his way to the Academy as fast as he possibly can. Those are kids.

Gotham is once again anxiously kept on the edge of their seats, watching as Joker decides to interview the kids on their learning experience so far. Something about leaving a good first impression on the new generation or some other bullshit. Most kids stutter over their words - it's true that Gothamites are way more composed when facing life-threatening events, but those kids are only fourteen or fifteen for the most part. They are not old enough to keep their cool in the face of a murder clown.

That is, until Joker points his camera at one of the girls. Black hair in a high ponytail, blue eyes without a trace of fear, a slightly displeased, even bored expression on her face. She looks straight into the camera, not even waiting for the laughing madman to finish his question, and deadpans:

"I don't think I like school. Pick me up, please."

Joker sputters.

"Not so scared, I see," he sneers, and, in the next moment, a comically large gun painted in purples and greens is pointed to the girl's forehead, "How about now?"

The girl scrunches her nose and makes a so-so gesture.

"It's kinda meh," she admits, "Like, yeah, points for style, but you know, size doesn't matter. It's all in the technique."

Dick snorts over the comms. It's a bad time for laughing, sure, but the phrase caught him off-guard. This is not what you'd expect to hear from a teen, and definitely not something you'd expect anyone to say to the Joker. Jason's comms are muted, but Barbara knows he also laughed a little.

"Technique, you say?" Joker hisses, pressing the gun closer to the girl's head, and she winces, leaning away from it, almost as if she is disgusted by the touch.

"Yeah, I mean, guns are not that scary anyway. What are you gonna do with them, blast my brains all over the floor? Been there, done that," the girl shrugs, "Kinda nasty, but overall, it's just like slime, only sticky." She pauses and looks to the side, seemingly lost in thought, "Huh, maybe we should have added Borax to it. Or was it baking soda?.."

"Listen here, you little brat," Joker's fingers catch the girl's chin, and his voice becomes sickeningly menacing. Bruce is almost there, just two more minutes. Tim is already grappling onto the wall.

But none of them get to finish.

"Put your dirty fingers away from my sister," a low, cold, and even in a way that speaks of barely contained fury, voice comes from out of the screen.

The camera spins, like whoever is holding it turned really fast, and everyone watching the stream sees a fairly normal guy standing by the window - a turtleneck and ripped jeans, same black hair as the girl, same blue eyes... Wait, they are not blue.

And that's not a guy.

The camera falls down to the floor, and there are a lot of panicked screams coming from the broadcast now, but none of them sound like children's voices. It's the screams of adults, of grown-ass men, and later, someone even claimed they heard Joker's scream among them, too. The picture on camera glitches a few times, and the angle is awkward, but everyone still gets to see how shadows in the room morph into eyes, wide open and green, and how the darkness grows sharp teeth, countless grinning mouths that don't belong to any faces.

Screams turn into gargling and then to quiet whispers, filling the ears of all those listening with countless words in languages they don't know.

Red Robin turns off the recording and looks to that same guy from the levestream, sitting across him on the couch. The guy - Daniel, or Danny, as he introduced himself - looks him in the eyes and raises an eyebrow.

"Okay, and?"

"How did you do it?" Tim asks for the third time this evening. Danny blinks.

"Did what?" He asks, completely incomprehending. Tim groans. He's been trying to get his answers, any answers at this point, from the guy for thirty fucking minutes already. So far, he's got nothing. Danny, whoever the fuck he is, proves to be the most annoying human being on Earth.

"Seven people in a coma, including Joker himself, with no physical injuries and none of the children remember a thing! How?!" He demands, and a girl's face peeks from around the corner:

"I remember!"

Tim snaps his head at her, "What do you remember?"

The girl pauses, blinks, and looks to Danny. Then shrugs, "My brother picked me up from school."

Tim drops his head down and breathes out in frustration. He can't force the information out of civilians, he is a vigilante, not a mafia.

"Would it make you feel better if I promise not to do it again?" Danny asks, and his voice is way too innocent for Tim to believe him. He raises his head to look the guy in his shameless, amused eyes.

"I hate you."

"Thanks," Danny grins.

[gnomewithalaptop]

I can't stop laughing at this -- completely unprovoked

[incorrectbatfamandfriends]

Dick: Proud member of the “never tried to kill Tim club”

Jason: “kill” is a strong word for it-

Tim: No-no I think it fits.

Jason: It was a squabble, really.

Tim: Twice. First you beat the shit out me in the tower-

Jason: I was going through shit. There’s songs for going through breakups, not waking up from the dead-

Tim: Then you stab me!

Jason: It was a jab-

Tim: you left me bleeding in a weird murder cave-

Dick: You did say you killed him that time-

Jason: For dramatic effect! I’m a theater kid!

[junespriince]

Wally, pissed: B, what the hell. I called you last night for some help and you ignored my calls! I had to ask Rayner's bitch ass to help me, what was so important my calls weren't?

Bruce: you didn't need me, your villains are childs play compared to mine, just needed to stop being lazy and relying on others to help you out.

Wally, eye twitches in my villains ain't child's play: okay, okay, so did you need help with your villains?

Bruce: psh, you wouldn't last a minute in Gotham against mine. I don't need someone I have to carry out of there.

Wally, slams fist on table that scared Clark: bullshit! You let children fight along side you, it can't be that hard.

Bruce: whatever, Allen never had an issue he couldn't solve.

Wally: because he had HAL! you moron!

Bruce: I'm not a mor—

Diana: enough! Settle this like adults or like men.

Wally: fine. I want to be a Gotham villain for a week, if you can defeat me I'll shut my mouth up and never complain about this again.

Bruce, has a file on how to defeat Barry: deal.

Two weeks later

Bruce, on a building with his head in his hands: how is he that good! I have a file on how to neutralize him!

Dick: that's on Barry... You do know speedster are different from one another.

Bruce: they are!? How!?

Dick: Wally can go through walls. Barry can. That's one difference.

Jason: and apparently he can make damn good pipe bombs, can I add him to the outlaws I need a good pipe bomber for the team.

Bruce: this is a nightmare!

Tim: could be worse, at least he's not destroying anything valuable and he's protecting citizens.

Stephanie: and his suit is serving cunt, get the penguin let him see what drip is.

Duke, yelling out: yo Walls! I'd love a hamburger!

Wally, zips in: here ya go bud. *Leaves*

Duke: god, can he stay, he so convenient.

Bruce: No!

Kate: boooo pussy baby man.

Damian: he can blow up stuff but I stab one person I'm ground for six weeks.

Dick: because stabbing the mailman because you think he's an intruder.

Damian: he looked sus! Chat defend me!

Barbara: chat says no stabbing.

Damian: tt.

Bruce, to Dick: how do I stop him! You have a file on him, tell me!

Dick: no, I won't. There's finally a hot redhead villain now, and I'm going to pull a you real quick and flirt with the sexy villain, bye! *Leaves*

Bruce: noooooo, you were my son! Diana gonna laugh at me!

Jason: auntie gonna laugh at you? Shit let me help make this more of a problem for ya.

Bruce: betrayal!!

Cass: betrayal, maybe but it funny.

Wally, on a megaphone: do you YIELD Batman.

Bruce, and his ego: NEVER!

Continue on for two years

[ahfrickenfrick]

i feel like duke would be seen as a mediator a lot for problems but he’s secretly creating some of them cause he’s bored/petty/vengeful

like oh, tim took too long getting into his suit resulting in condiment king spraying duke with ketchup, so suddenly his laptop was plucked of its stickers, he of course assumes it was jason or stephanie

or when dick knowingly came over when he knew he was sick, resulting in duke missing out on a field trip due to a 24 hour cold, so suddenly the patrol schedule never got to dick on time, making him think bruce was being prickly again, forcing him over to the manor more

one day when he’s bored he places clues and riddles all around the mansion all leading to either dead ends or starts to other riddles, just to see what they would do

i need more petty duke LMFAO

[farshootergotme]

Game-night in the batfamily has got to be crazy. You're putting a bunch of geniuses against each other and that's asking for chaos to happen.

[sourkreem]

i love drawing silly unnecessary details

[hijinxinprogress]

12 year old tim realizing robin’s not coming back to gotham and deciding that it’s Batman’s fault so he has to ruin the little bit of sanity and peace of mind Bruce has managed (read: struggled) to keep in his grasp:

[thelibrarian1895]

Passive Aggressive Revenge

So there are elevators in the Watchtower, right?

If there weren't, there are now.

Normally a ride in an elevator in the watchtower is silent and quick, which is nice since no one wants to be in an elevator longer than necessary.

On occasion however, someone in the justice league may have caused offense to another member or even another member's apprentice/sidekick/mentee/family.

If that is the case, the Bats have control of Watchtower systems and often perform minor maintenance. Yes Cyborg often takes on the bulk of the work but he can't keep out the Bats and at this point he's not going to try.

So let's say that Nightwing had a shift at the watchtower. Nightwing brought a lunch that Alfred packed for him. Nightwing did make the rookie mistake of not labelling his food but in his defense it has been a long day and his siblings are all either polite enough not to eat someone else's packed food or Dick has acquired a taste for some condiment that he slathers on ALL of his foods which the siblings who would steal his leftovers absolutely abhor so he doesn't need to label anything.

(One of my sibs and I have almost identical taste in food, we will each one another's leftovers without asking. However sib has deliberately cultivated a taste for a sauce that I hate and they'll put it on food they don't want me to touch. It is easier and tastier, for them, than finding a sharpie)

Nightwing's lunch gets stolen at the watchtower.

Nightwing is not happy. Nightwing checks the security cameras.

Suddenly when a certain member of the league goes onto the elevator, the elevator is a touch slower and, more importantly, there is elevator music.

Really, really, really annoying elevator music.

Things stop and go back to normal when the culprit treats Nightwing to lunch as an apology.

Post Brucequest, Tim eventually gets back on an even keel and is in a position to enjoy petty revenge. At that point, the only times the elevators on the Watchtower work as normal is when either Batman is in them or when Bart or Kon is in the elevator. Cassie catches on quick, apologizes, and the immunity to elevator torture is extended to her as well.

Some of the rest of the league may get in on it as well and bribe the bats into playing certain songs or slowing the elevator down even further when a certain other member of the league is in them.

[brucewaynehater101]

Tim with his superman beef

Ultimately Tim will come up with a newsletter for the JLU so everyone can be aware of any world crisis events or get caught up on crisis events they missed without having to bring up traumatic events with those who did go through the thing and each issue will feature an embarrassing picture of either superman, batman, or green arrow, sometimes some other league person depending on Tim's level of internal salt towards the leaguer in question. The newsletters have a tiny chip on them that prevents them from leaving the watchtower or the digital version can only be accessed from a secure network.

YJ absolutely helps with the articles, Bart finds it a cathartic outlet

The league knows at least one Bat is involved with the newsletter but they haven't pinned which one exactly because Tim absolutely includes things in the newsletters that could be attributed to any of the other bats, except Bruce, but even the lack of clues that Bruce did anything it and the embarrassing Batman pictures don't cause the JL to cross B off the list of suspects

Yes!

Do the other Bats know who did it as well? Bruce would probably try to stop Tim if he knew about it. Barbara would absolutely fuel the chaos and even provide photos for Tim.

As far as venting out problems and dealing with personal issues with another hero, Tim is using one of the healthier methods in a really funny way. That's why Alfred would stay silent when he overhears Tim's conversations with the YJ on news articles.

Tim would probably mentally rank heroes in his mind based on whether they are on his shit list. These rankings typically shuffle the top few around based on that person's behavior for the month. Very rarely does someone lower on the list get catapulted to the top.

To try to throw off suspicion, he typically gives a grace period between when they piss him off and when he decides to humiliate them. He'll also rag on heroes that insult other Bats or younger generation heroes.

[wondersinwaynemanor]

some petty scenarios between the Wayne kids just to annoy the other (or more like get some attention, even though they won't admit it).

Tim: You know I hate your paintings, Dami. They're too colorful and too bright. They're too... Ugh.. Good. And... And... Maybe find another hobby? It's getting annoying.

Damian: You know what's a nuisance, Drake? You.

Tim: Not as annoying as your -

Damian: Keep talking nonsense, Drake, and I'll be asking for the portrait I did of you and Kent.

Tim, wraps an arm on Damian's shoulder: Heyyyy, I was kidding. All good, Dami.

---

Jason: Remember when you had the long hair, Goldie?

Dick: And I want to have that hair again.

Steph: I wish I was there to see it in person. You slayed, Dick!

Dick, flutters his lashes: Oh, you didn't need to say that, Steph.

Jason, scoffs: Ha? That long hair slayed? It was too shiny, it stung my eyes. No, no--it blinded some rogues. You don't want that to happen to you, right, Steph?

Dick, pouts: What are you talking about, Little Wing???? You even said you wanted a hair like mine!!!

Jason: I was young and made bad decisions. Of course, you all know that by now.

Steph: Jason doesn't know what he's talking about. Have the long hair again, Dick!

Dick, huffs: I'm glad I got a supporter.

---

Steph, groans: I can't focus!!!

Steph can't see Cass' face with her cowl on but she knows Cass is giving her a questioning look.

Steph: You're too distracting, okay?

Cass continues to stare at Steph.

Steph, whispers: You're wearing the perfume I really like.

Cass, tilts her head: Okay. I won't use-

Steph, gasps: Who told you to do that???

---

Jason, tries to enjoy his toast and tea in peace: Maybe try to open the drawer harder, Timbo? I'm sure it will be broken then.

Tim, opening the refrigerator doors this time with extra force, raises his voice: What was that, Jay???

Jason: Are you serious? It's too early.

Tim, gets a cup of coffee: Not my fault you're in the kitchen. Go and eat in your room. You're not the only person in this house.

Jason, raises his brows at him: What's your fucking problem??

Tim: Nothing.

proceeds to steal the fruit that's on Jason's plate.

Jason: Seriously?????

proceeds to grab Tim's cup of coffee on his hand and chugs on it.

Tim: You're an animal!!!

Jason: So are you!!!

Alfred, by the kitchen door, pinches the bridge of his nose: Oh, should the young masters must really be shouting this early?

---

Duke: Do you need anything else, Dick?

Dick, grins: Nope, nope. Carry on, Second Little D.

Duke: I can't really help you with your bike if you're singing loudly right in my ear.

Dick, blushes: Oops, sorry. I'll keep quiet.

Duke, chuckles: No, it's okay. Just don't do it right in my ear. I need my hearing.

meanwhile, Damian plays a video in the Batcomputer in a high volume.

Dick, shouts from across the cave: Dami, maybe lower the volume?

Damian, shouts back: Tt. It's a tactic to cover up your singing, Grayson. And Thomas, I need your help with-

Dick: I still need him with my bike, Dami!

Damian: You've had him for the past three hours, Grayson!

Dick: And so???

Damian: And so, I need his assistance with something.

Duke, scratches the back of his neck: Maybe I can help you both later. It's time for me to call Izzy anyways-

Dick and Damian at the same time: Wait, no!

[nana-mizu-shiki]

"...you're fucking with us right?"

"...No?"

[allthegothihopgirls]

batfam monopoly except damian doesn't understand what's so funny about buying properties, and dick gets weirdly possessive over piccadilly. tim's the best worst banker ever and keeps sneaking dick extra money so he can afford mayfair when he lands on it, and ruin jason's entire night

[junespriince]

Bart, going to yj: just, don't embarrassed me, okay.

Wally: of course, I will not do what Barry did to me to you.

at the Young Just Us meeting

Dick: ah, you guys made it.

Bart: Don't you fucking dare.

Wally, smug and whispers: oh i do dare.

Wally, speed over at Dick: Babygirl!! I missed you so much my lovely little song birdie! *kisses, speed over at bart and picked him up* you met my oh so precious and beloved cuz Bartty, please everyone take good care of my little guy!

Bart, under his breath: I hate you.

wally, still smiling: I love you too, bring Kon over for dinner some time.

Bart: I will not with you!

Wally: sure. Bye guys, bye my little Cuz! and bye bye hubby see you home!

Dick: see you walls!

tim, faking gagging:

cassie: don't you have a boyfriend

Kon: not yet

Tim: not yet-- stop spying on me and my affairs!

Kon: but it so funnnn

Bart: he still hasn't asked him yet?

Tim: I WILL I JUST HAVE TO WAIT FOR HIIM TO GET KIDNAP BY A CULT OKAY, IT IN THE PLAN!

Dick: how did you get B level of dating skills, this is sad timmy

Tim: shut up!!

[catjamming]

You guys know how every child of B’s stuck with the bird theme except for Jason? I feel like the widespread idea is that it was on purpose to spite Bruce. But wouldn’t it be funny if it was totally on accident?

Like Jason just went with Red Hood because of the pre-existing gang and thought it was cool. When he and Bruce mostly make-up, he can’t understand why Bruce refuses to call him Red Hood. Then one day he casually mentions it Dick and just has his mind thoroughly blown.

—

Jason approaching Dick in the kitchen: Hey, Dick. Can I ask you something?

Dick rummaging through the fridge: You mean other than what you just asked me?

Jason: Uh… yup.

Dick: Sure. What’s up?

Jason: You ever notice how B never calls me Red Hood?

Dick: Uhuh…

Jason: Do you know why? Dick turning around, scratching his head with some drink: Uh, pretty sure it’s cause you abandoned the bird theme.

Jason: …

Jason: …Huh?

Dick: Y’know. Cause I’m still Nightwing and Tim is Red Robin. You kinda stand out.

Jason: …What??

Tim putting down the book he was reading at the counter: Wait, you never noticed?!

Damian sharpening some weapon in the kitchen for god knows what reason: It wasn’t on purpose??!

Jason: NOO???!!

Damian: Hm. And here I thought you had mastered the skill of pettiness, Todd. Guess I overestimated you.

Jason now just thoroughly confused, mouth agape.