#perhaps they ARE unlovable now. seeing as this is what they did to someone who loved them. but they won’t admit that. they’ll say

[the-somwthing]

Thimkimg about life series scott x joel au with super angst. why don’t I just imagine them happy for once

[lopsicle]

Arcane season 2 spoilers

/////

I have been thinking A LOT about Jayce and Viktor, mainly the scene where Viktor is reborn out of his pod of Hexcore.

Mainly because it means a lot for Viktor’s character. On a fundamental level, he never seen much worth in himself, but he did see worth in inventions, the things he made, it’s how he could prove himself to the world. This is why he becomes so concerned with his illness and the legacy he’ll leave behind on the world; he needs the Hexcore to work because he doesn’t have anything else.

But now, he is literally fused with his invention, his invention that he has grown to hate because it killed one of the only people who truly saw value in Viktor, and not the things he could, partly due to his own negligence. Viktor put it best, in his pursuit of greatness, he failed to do good.

He doesn’t really know how to process what happened to him at all, he’s a smart man, he can clearly deduce that his body has undergone some cybernetic change, he can probably remember the explosion in the council room, but other then that, he’s just confused, hence why he asks Jayce, “what am I?” Viktor’s body is entirely different and unfamiliar, and taking into context that the Hexcore, his greatest invention which he tied all his worth to, has failed before this, it’s likely Viktor had lost sight of who he was, and his new body only served to further that descent.

Jayce can’t think about any of that though, he’s just happy that his partner is alive and who wouldn’t be, he’d been waiting for days, possibly weeks for him to wake. Viktor’s mortality is one of the things that Jayce has struggled with the most in the series, which is what makes his survivor’s guilt so much more pertinent. A lot of people claim that Jayce grew up rich and coddled, and I think that’s true to an extent, but they forgot his family were workers, tool smiths. Jayce seemed to grow up with the idea that he wasn’t that fortunate, that he was a working, middle class man who was going to change the world, and then he meets Viktor, a “poor cripple from the Undercity,” and then he sees what the Undercity is really like and the conditions people live in. And that’s when Jayce realises; he had it good. I believe this is what encourages part of his admiration of Viktor; he is what Jayce thought he was.

Tangent aside, I feel that their hug is a very, very important moment, mainly because of Viktor’s reaction.

He isn’t relieved or uncomfortable, it’s just…nothing. Given what Viktor says about how he doesn’t feel that it’s cold and just recognises that it is cold, I believe this is the moment where it fully sank in how much his body had changed. He couldn’t feel Jayce.

And like, first off, that is such beautiful symbolism for what he says later about how they’re relationship was only held together by affection. Viktor physically cannot feel said affection anymore and know has no reason to stick by the side of someone whose views have become so contrasted to his. But more emotionally, it’s representative of Viktor’s belief that he is unloveable, his new body is merely proof at that, he can’t touch Jayce, he couldn’t save Sky, he couldn’t make the Hexcore work properly, he couldn’t even get Jayce to destroy the Hexcore. To himself, Viktor is a failure who is unworthy of love.

But, he still huge Jayce back. Despite not being able to feel Jaycee’s warmth anymore, despite it feeling like his whole life has crumbled, Viktor wants to give Jayce one last act of service. Perhaps to prove that he still has use, or maybe this was the moment where he decided he would have to part ways with Jayce, and just wanted Jayce to remember his touch, even if Viktor couldn’t remember his.

Anywho if enough people like this dribble, I may post my take on the rest of this scene because it shattered me

[acetone4veins]

Quotes + Mean Girls

associating angsty quotes (and some fluffy ones) to mean girls characters and dynamics, this is definitely longer than it should be and will probably be part 1 of many but anyways. lmk which were your favorites and which ones ruined you :) also shoutout to the cautionary tale discord who saw some of these already and ramble about these characters with me <3

posting under the cut so i don't clog anyone's feeds

Regina

"what a terrible thing to wound someone you really care for - and to do it so unconsciously."

Haruki Murakami

"and when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want. what do you call it, freedom or loneliness?"

Charles Bukowski

"i am changing. i am trying to be better. it is slow; it is rough; it is repetitive, but i swear i am."

Abdulsamad S. M.

"i did not like to be touched, but it was a strange dislike. i did not like to be touched because i craved it too much. i wanted to be held very tight so i would not break."

Marya Hornbacher

"i was not a loveable child, and i'd grown into a deeply unlovable adult. draw a picture of my soul, and it'd be a scribble with fangs."

Gillian Flynn

"if only my heart were as cold as i pretend it is, maybe i could get over this."

Jessica Katoff

"i wasn't beautiful anymore. now i looked like what i was, a raw wound."

Janet Fitch

"i'm restless and harsh and despairing. although i do have love inside me. i just don't know how to use love. sometimes it tears at my flesh, like barbs."

Clarice Lispector

"i did not mean to be cruel. i swear i am good, i am good, i am kind. i have love inside me. some place far far away."

unknown

Cady

"how much can you change and get away with it, before you turn into someone else, before its some kind of murder?"

Richard Siken

"your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing."

Dyodor Dosteovsky

"what and how much had i lost by trying to do only what was expected of me instead of what i myself wished to do?"

Ralph Ellison

"my god, my god, whose performance am i watching? how many people am i? who am i? what is this space between myself and myself?"

Fernando Pessoa

"it was good for a while, being empty. i didn't hurt anymore. but as time went on, it was like i could hear myself from far away, begging for permission to come back."

Myra McEntire

"is it better to out-monster the monster or to be quietly devoured?"

Friedrich Nietzsche

"who's the real you? the person who did something awful, or the one who's horrified by the awful thing you did? is one part of you allowed to forgive the other?"

Rebecca Stead

"you're a mess of good intentions gone wrong. you strike a match on yourself to keep others warm, and now the whole goddamn world's on fire. you try to put it out, and you try so hard. the dam breaks, and the waters of your sorrow pour free. you are sorry; so very, very sorrow - and you will drown everyone to prove it."

unknown

Janis

"there are times when i am convinced i am unfit for any human relationship."

Franz Kafka

"i am eternally, devastatingly romantic, and i thought people would see it because 'romantic' doesn't mean 'sugary'. it's dark and tormented - the furor of passion, the despair of an idealism that you cannot attain."

Catherine Breillat

"but whatever came, she had resolved never again to belong to another than herself."

Kate Chopin

"there were two reasons i was scared to let people in; the damage they could do, and the damage they could find."

Chris McGeown

"perhaps its good for one to suffer. can an artist do anything if he's happy? would he ever want to do anything? what is art, after all, but a protest against the horrible inclemency of life?"

Aldous Huxley

Gretchen

"i want so obviously, so desperately to be loved, and to be capable of love."

Sylvia Plath

"she wanted to say 'don't leave me', but she couldn't do it, not again. she was so tired of begging people to love her."

Kristin Hannah

"he is charmingly telling me how much he does not love me...and i, - listening to him carefully, - am approving it."

Marina Tsvetaeva

"she's gonna forever say 'i got this' even with tears in her eyes."

unknown

"still there is this terrible desire to be loved. still, there is this horror at being left behind."

Michael Cunningham

"can you understand me? someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little?"

Sylvia Plath

"i am trying to make myself digestible. i am trying to make myself easy to love."

I.B. Vyache

"do you think it is possible that some people are born to give more love than they will ever get back in return?"

Tyler Knott Gregson

Karen

"the sensitive suffer more; but they love more, and dream more."

Augusto Cury

"a lot of people tell me i'm a bit dreamy. but i like the idea of that. of being somewhere else."

Alam

"you cannot make everyone think and feel as deeply as you do. this is your tragedy, because you understand them but they do not understand you."

Daniel Saint

Regina and Janis

"the bear loved the deer, it was obvious. it ripped the deer's throat out, and then licked the dying deer with the most passionate affection. i thought of you and me."

David Cronenberg

"can you hate someone for what they have done, but still love them for whom they had been?"

Jodi Picoult

"love isn't soft, like those poets say. love has teeth which bite and the wounds never close."

Stephen King

"i love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul."

Pablo Neruda

"they will hook me up to a polygraph and ask me if i love you and i will say no but the needle will jump and sputter exactly how you laugh."

unknown

"there's a sickening feeling of familiarity, when the wrong person knows you too well and you know them too well. and they weren't always the wrong person."

unknown

"we don't mean to hurt each other, but we do. and perhaps no matter how right we are for each other, we'll always be a little wrong."

Beau Taplin

Regina and Cady

"i am intense darkness and you are a golden sunrise."

Arijit Singh and Pritam

"even before you touched me, i belonged to you; all you had to do was look at me."

unknown

"whether you come as a lover or an executioner, i am ready to receive you."

Agustin Gomez-Arcos

"for the longest time, i saw myself as a bad person. you don't know how much it meant to me when you looked at me and could see the good."

unknown

"but i have seen the best of you and the worst of you, and i choose both."

Sarah Kay

"i promised myself i would never fall in love with you. but it was 4 am, and we were laughing way too hard, and i felt happy for the first time in a long time, and i knew i was screwed."

unknown

Gretchen and Karen

"i would rather be with you - even the you that you seem to think is diminished - than with anyone else in the world."

Jojo Moyes

"it hurts, he realizes, to love someone who can't love themselves. like watching a work of art set itself on fire."

unknown

"how amazing it is to find someone who wants to hear about all the things that go on in your head."

Nina LaCour

"come love, make me better than i was. come teach me a kinder way to say my own name."

Andrea Gibson

"i wanted you to see a mess and still find me worthy of love, to tell me that you could still love me anyway."

Georges Bataille

"sometimes, love is as simple as watching the moon and sometimes its as difficult as counting the stars. but i love doing both for you."

unknown

Janis and Damian

"you may be born into a family, but you walk into friendships. some you'll discover you should put behind you. others are worth every risk."

Adam Silvera

Regina and Gretchen

"but i am very homesick for arms that have never held me."

unknown

"i burned so long so quiet you must have wondered if i loved you back. i did, i did, i do."

Annelyse Gelman

"so i wait for you like a lonely house till you will see me again and live in me. till then my windows ache."

Pablo Neruda

"how do you tell someone that the reason you're sad is because you love them?"

unknown

[honey-minded-hivemind]

GAAAAAHH, Your so good man! While writing for Hank, I drabbled a little with how reader feels/felt?

Now, Reader didn't feel unloved of course, they loved the platonic yan adults and the teens/kids very much! But... they couldn't help that they didn't feel unconditionally cared for, the fact that they weren't actually related to them (Im shooting for that being what reader truly believed) always burned in the back of their mind, they felt the others had every right to turn them away if reader sought out that family bond from them, because they weren't really family, so why would they need to reach out to reader in that way? Reader knew they were loved, but that didn't change or get rid of the the pain, or the guilt they felt for not being grateful for the relationship/s they did have with everyone, they should be satisfied with the love they have, but they aren't, there's a part of reader that wants a kind of affection they truly believe they don't deserve.

So if Reader were related to Hank/Beast? The world is going to see a whole new side of him, a part of him that's merciless, because someone has been taken from them, and that can't go without punishment. He would be so so angry with himself, for never seeing that his kid was there with them the whole time, no one knew, and now reader and the others were gone, and nothing could change that. Then learning about how reader felt, something in him snapped, and he would do anything to make sure the future was a better one... even if the kids were the price they payed.

Dude you've got to let me know if I need to slow down, anyways, love ya!

🐑 Anon

Holy mole... That is a good take on a passage Reader would write, 🐑 Anon! They wouldn't have many notes written, or too much, but what they do have is hidden, all put in the same box and tucked away in a closet or under the bed or hidden behind books or beneath a floorboard. The notes have various dates, sometimes a few days apart, sometimes several months, even a year or so, but it details how Reader truly feels... And it's not great. They felt less than the others. Like they weren't worth as much. If anything happened to Reader, it wouldn't hold as many consequences, but it would break the others if something happened to another kid or adult, so they'd do everything they could to keep them alive. It portrays their fears, of abandonment, of hatred, of being cast out if they overstepped a boundary. It shows small portraits they've made of the others, or small notes on what to get them, what they like, the best ways to cheer them up...

It's heartbreaking, for the adult platonic yans to read through them, seeing how Reader tried so hard to please them and make them happy and keep everything together... And it's even worse when one of them is their parent. One they never knew about, one they'd never have a relationship with... and one who would never be able to form that bond with Reader.

If Hank was there parent... He's a sweet person. He's patient, he's good with kids, he's helpful and kind and caring... After this... He gets a bit darker. He still loves the kids and his friends, don't get him wrong! But... he misses the ones who are gone. The ones they couldn't save. And he spends hours, perfecting medicines and devices to help keep the others healthy and safe and to get rid of any... unnecessary individuals. What happened will not happen again. Not if he has any say in it. This tragedy... it will not be in vain. They learned their lesson. They cannot let others hurt them, or their children, or others like them. If they can't choose peace and acceptance freely, then they will accept it forcefully. And my oh my, the ideas he has to help keep the order amongst the people... Nothing violent, no. But perhaps something that... inclines them to make certain choices. To act a certain way, or to think a certain thought... And all the ways it can be administered. Medicines, drugs, perhaps a few small chips or trackers, to better keep an eye on every individual, especially the ones who are rather... outspoken...

It isn't easy, trying to move on. Trying to keep this new peace. Trying to right a wrong that has nothing they can right.

He had a child.

Now he does not.

Neither one of then knew the other was there, within reach, and now neither of them will be able to have the other as family. It hurts, deep down inside, worse than when his mutation further manifested, worse than being cooped up inside the mansion for a few months, worse than any accident in his lab. Those could be managed; handled; dealt with; healed. This... this wound won't heal. And while he is thankful for the others who are still there... he truly misses those who aren't.

Perhaps this path is dark, full of sorrow and doubt, but all they can do is make the best of it. The woods of paradise may be lovely, dark and deep, but he has promises to keep, and miles to go before he sleeps... (miles to go before he sleeps...)

(We have Erik and Hank down; that leaves The Professor, Storm, Wolverine, Sabretooth, and Mystique, as possible parents to Reader, that we can explore before anything is made canon to the au!)

[joys-of-everyday]

Luo Binghe: Envy, hopelessness, and breaking out of spirals

I have recently gotten into incels. No, not in that way. Perhaps with PIDW being “toxic male power fantasy”, this was an inevitable pipeline.

You know, through many hours of video essays and interviews, I have come to the conclusion that taking a good long hard look at incels is a valuable life lesson. While incels are most known for their extreme misogynistic ideology (which tbf, is hard to look past), they really are a good demonstration of the abject misery of loneliness. Scrub away all the obsession with omegaverse and cuckoldry, and the fundamental behaviour of incels is actually… very human. And the fact that it manifests in ways that are cringe and insane really only adds to the tragedy. Forget darkness and monsters – there is an incel in all of us. And like all good things in life, I want to link this back to SVSSS and discuss the most chad of them all… Luo Binghe (Bingmei ofc. Bingge is a beta cuck).

Note: Much of this is based on ContraPoints’ Envy (which is almost nothing to do with incels sorry) and HealthyGamerGG’s interview with an incel (which is also not really about incels, disappointingly).

Envy and Jealousy

Did you know that envy and jealousy are two different things? Envy is wanting what other people have, while jealousy is protectiveness of something you have, or feel entitled to. You might be envious of someone for having effortless skin a la Liu Qingge, or feel jealous of a fellow disciple who is unfairly stealing your milf shizun’s affections. In common usage, envy and jealousy are basically interchangeable, but now you can feel smug knowing the proper definitions.

We all know that Luo Binghe is a jealous man-child… but for intellectual curiosity, we should ask: is Luo Binghe envious, or jealous?

As in, I’ve kind of spoiled my take by putting it in the header, but I should justify (unlike in exams where I simply assert what I want to be true and hope the examiner doesn’t notice). Yes, Luo Binghe is fighting for the affection of his one-true-milf, but note that during the periods where his envy/jealousy is strongest, he doesn’t think he has Shen Qingqiu’s affection, nor does he think he deserves it. In fact, he thinks he is unlovable monster who couldn’t possibly dream of having his daddy’s attention. *sad sigh*

To him, Shen Qingqiu is the embodiment of tender and loving affection, of grace, of wisdom, of morality and all things good etc etc. For the purposes of Luo Binghe’s negative feelings, the man himself might as well be an abstract idea. He sees what other people have – Liu Qingge receiving companionship and trust, the other Qing Jing disciples getting attention, the random stair sweeper getting sweet smiles… and feels anger at the fact that they have what he does not. I think it’s envy people.  

Now caveat, I do think Luo Binghe is definitely also feeling jealousy, particularly after Shen Qingqiu defends him in the Mausoleum. But he grapples with an internal conflict, where despite the fact Shen Qingqiu continuously demonstrates his care for him, he’s also sending what Luo Binghe deems as “mixed messages”, so really, how is Bingbing meant to decide if daddy loves him or hates him? Feelings do be complicated.

Now envy leads to shadenfreude – the pleasure of seeing another’s downfall. The sentiment of “if I can’t have it, then nobody can”, which is a destructive, malevolent force that wants no good for anyone. At Maigu Ridge, Luo Binghe is the embodiment of this. What he wants is Shen Qingqiu’s affection, and um… probably killing all of his friends isn’t going to help him on this endeavour. But he is so far down the envy line that it blinds him. “If I can’t have Shizun’s love, then nobody can.”

2. Protective hopelessness and the destructive cycle

When you decide, for whatever reason, to believe something, several cognitive biases come into play. For example, confirmation bias – where you are more likely to find and interpret evidence which supports your opinion. Belief perseverance – where you continue to believe something, despite evidence contradicting it. Another unhelpful actor is the fact you change the way you behave, which creates situations that affirm your beliefs. Those with a neurodivergence like BPD, or a mental health disorder such as depression may struggle with these much more intensely.

Take the classic incel problem. You struggle to get a girlfriend, you believe yourself ugly and unlovable, which makes you sad, which means you struggle in social situations, which makes it less likely for you to start a relationship, and so the cycle continues. I’ve talked about these destructive spirals with Shen Jiu.

Luo Binghe, Luo Binghe! Wherefore art thou Luo Binghe?

Luo Binghe runs straight into this problem like the strong independent man he is. He believes that (Shen Qingqiu thinks that) he is an evil demon. So he goes full blood feeding vampire mode, and naturally Shen Qingqiu freaks out. So Luo Binghe’s suspicions that Shen Qingqiu thinks he’s an evil demon are affirmed. Everything that happens is warped to fit this worldview: Shen Qingqiu’s silence in the Water Prison (which could mean anything really, such as thinking emotion is cringe) is interpreted as hostility. Shen Qingqiu telling Luo Binghe to leave for his safety, is interpreted as abandonment. Nothing can contradict this view – not even Shen Qingqiu getting all plant-bodied to keep Luo Binghe safe.

All of this is to say, that once you are in a bad place, it is really hard to get out, because at every stage your mind is sabotaging you. But there’s more to it than this. The honey glazed trap of abject hopelessness is… that it feels kind of good.

You know, Luo Binghe at Maigu Ridge comes across as someone who’s given up in a cathartic “throw it all down the drain way”. And yeah, putting yourself out there to feel rejection time and time again… kind of sucks. I really feel this. It really sucks. Sometimes, it is just so much easier to write yourself off as an unlovable freak and move on with your life. The hopelessness shields you from future rejection – what Dr K from HealthyGamerGG describes as protective hopelessness. But the relief here is temporary. Soon the loneliness and isolation kicks in, and you end up screaming at the walls so your neighbours now think you’re insane. Well done.

So you defend your hopelessness to protect yourself, but your hopelessness reinforces your situation. And to top it off, this cesspool of self-loathing and self-flagellation is a perfect breeding place for envy. In fact, envy plays a huge role in directing the spiral downwards. Afterall, bitter and toxic behaviour isn’t conductive to getting you liked.  

Ultimately,  I don’t think Luo Binghe actually hates Liu Qingge, or even Ming Fan, or any one person. I think Luo Binghe resents his situation and projects that onto everyone. “I didn’t get to keep happiness for a single moment of my life, so why should anyone be allowed happiness?” And yeah, he kind of ends up almost ending the world, which is not stella behaviour. But you know, under all that aggression is a child pleading for help.  

3. Breaking Out

You know, it occurs to me that I seem to be equating Luo Binghe to an incel, which I think is an unfair comparison. I feel like incels fundamentally misunderstand how privilege works, while Luo Binghe… eh… he did get chucked off a cliff. Ngl that would scar anyone.

Anyway, whilst clearly SVSSS is the ultimate reflection of reality, I suspect that the love of your life telling you they would totally die for you if you were their unborn child doesn’t happen often irl. How. Disappointing.

But I think something we can take away from Luo Binghe is that breaking the spiral is essential. When Luo Binghe loses control at Maigu Ridge, what he ends up doing is monstrous. It’s ultimate evidence of all of Luo Binghe’s fears and could easily have pushed him further down the spiral to self-destruction. But Shen Qingqiu pulls him out notably not by promising to stay with him or leave his friends (i.e. not by playing to Luo Binghe’s delusional desires), but by affirming that Luo Binghe already has what he wants. His mother loved him. His adopted mother loved him. Shen Qingqiu loves him. It’s removing the substance from Luo Binghe’s envy, and that’s enough to pull him back from insanity.

In reality, breaking the spiral isn’t one action or one conversation. It’s continuously relearning how to think, a process that can take years. And we see this with Luo Binghe. He doesn’t stop being a jealous freak, but he learns ways to deal with it that are much less destructive. In the conversation at Cang Qiong post Maigu Ridge, we see that he doesn’t immediately stop thinking that Shen Qingqiu wants him gone, but in a better headspace, he is able to accept evidence which contrasts this.

And yeah, most people don’t have a milf/dilf/obsessive freak to help us when we have our world-ending breakdowns, but that’s okay. I don’t have a good solution to this. Maybe get life-sized posters of Shen Qingqiu telling you that he would totally die for your if you were his unborn child or smth.

[paraliveimaginesblog]

Reaction to S/O saying they love them for the first time with Hajun, Anne, Yuto, and Ryoga

Anne Faulkner:

It's really all that Anne had ever wanted. They wanted to be loved by someone who knew them, and while they did feel that love from Allen and occasionally Hajun, they knew that it was a little different about finding someone who you were romantically interested in. The dating scene had always been something Anne approached with hopeful optimism, knowing there were others in the same situation as them, but there was a wariness they had to have when dealing with new people. They only presented themselves as they were but they did want their lover to know them and all that they had gone through to become their best self; they wanted to be known, seen, understood. And getting to hear that you loved them, that you could say so in front of the others without a hint of shame or fear or any other negative emotion on your face, it truly overwhelmed them with emotion as they returned that love with a passionate kiss that left their roommates awkwardly looking away.

Hajun Yeon:

The first thing Hajun thinks is that you’re lying to him. It’s a very sudden thought, the trust you had built with him had been well-earned and you had never betrayed it so it was an incredibly unfair thought to have yet he still did. How many people used love as a tactic of manipulation? Faking the sentiment to get what they wanted, letting the love run dry when the resources had done the same. He doesn’t say it back immediately, flashing a fake smile you immediately see through but you don’t push the case with him. You had made your feelings known while also knowing the constant struggle Hajun had with vulnerability, the chance that he didn’t respond in the moment high but you had done it anyway. Things are a little awkward between you, almost like you were some fan who had confessed to him and now just stalked him through his daily life rather than being his lover who had lived with him for quite some time. It might take him a week, or maybe even a month, before he can talk to you about it but he does offer his response, those three little words like music to your ears.

Ryoga Tosa:

Ryoga doesn’t think he’s unlovable, or maybe he is with all the shit he put you through, but there’s something about hearing you say that you love him that makes him want to repent. He wanted to apologize sincerely for the frustration he put you through, for how much he tested your patience all these years after pushing you away until he realized it was inevitable that you’d be pulled back together. He loved you too of course, he always had even when he was at his most difficult, but words had never come to him easily. Saying those three words was simple enough but they held a much deeper meaning behind them, and just saying them without truly putting his heart behind them would be a pathetic display on his part. But he doesn’t have that same paranoia any longer, having come to understand that exact definition of love, and delivering it back at you tenfold, perhaps a little louder than he intended (thankfully, you’re not startled by this at all).

Yuto Inukai:

Yuto is completely and utterly stunned into silence. The fact he got a first date at all was a shocker for him, he wasn’t the type of person who really attracted romantic attention, but to hear that he had endeared himself to you so much that you could say you loved him with complete honesty? He’s stuttering as he tried to respond, trying to get the hamster in his brain back onto the wheel so he could formulate a thought. You can tell he’s a little shaky as you reached out to take his hand, patting his cheek lovingly as you had him take a seat to proves your words without the threat of him collapsing to the ground. You can see from the way his eyes soften and the way he reached out to grab your hand that he was cooling down, eyes closing (as he didn’t think he could look at you or else he’d become a stuttering mess again) as he responded to your feelings with enthusiasm.

[esther-dot]

people can accept that robb was doomed by the narrative but not dany? is she better than him? why?

If you imagine a writer sitting down at his desk, you can see how he’d come up with the trajectory of Robb’s story. It’s a clean tragedy, it shocks us, it hurts, but it also rings off that tragic romanticism that the series is full of. However, it is hard to imagine Martin sitting writing about a man raping a 13yo until she wanted to die with the thought that yeah, she will ultimately die betrayed, unloved, murdered, a few books later. 

If Dany were to sacrifice herself and die, I think most fans would accept it because we have a kind of reverence for tragic stories—they’re widely considered more intellectual, a higher form of art, and there is a deep strain of melancholy in the story that you can situate such an ending in. Now, you and I would cry foul, we want justice for Dany taking part in the slave trade, for her allowing the murder of teenagers, for her upcoming invasion and the devastation that will bring and the burning of KL etc. A lot has/will happen that explains how Dany will arrive at her end, but many Dany fans are women and they simply aren’t gonna go along with an abuse survivor/rape survivor -> villain -> dying at the hands of the heroes pipeline. It’s so antithetical to their sensibilities. I’ve even seen Dark Dany fans say they’re uncomfortable with how Martin has written Dany’s life knowing where he’s taking her and that perhaps such a story shouldn’t be written by a man, so it isn’t only hardcore Dany fans who take issue with this choice. 

And of course, s8 handled everything including Dark Dany so poorly, had her nephew/lover kill her, so the topic is toxic, and I routinely see people saying X can’t happen in the books even though it’s one of the few things that has been confirmed to come from Martin (Poor Shireen, King Bran…), I assume because the show so effectively poisoned the well. Anyway, now people say, "well that's just D&D fanfic" as a way to not consider Dark Dany/her fate.

Actually, I suppose that's the real issue. Stannis burning Shireen means you have to reconsider what you thought about him, what you understood the story to be, and Dany going up against the heroes and dying their enemy, that too means you have to rethink things--it upends everything. After his death, Robb remains a hero, even if he made some poor choices, so you don't have to ask yourself,

"wait, why didn't I think burning people alive was a red flag? Why was I cool with making money from the slave trade? Why did I think it was okay to conquer a continent Dany's family had already been rejected by?"

When someone (Kit? D&D? I can't remember now!), said that the audience had been cheering Dany on and that it was kinda, damning that they had, I was incredibly annoyed because GoT took out some of the red flags and then rewrote main characters to hide Dark Dany until the last minute, but ASOIAF hasn't done that. We're pointed to these issues by characters in the text, asked to weigh these things, so that's another issue, it requires some self-reflection.

That, I suppose, as well as the fact that being in her head, walking the journey with her in a way we didn’t with Robb, just makes the idea untenable to most.

[kingedmundsroyalmurder]

Blue Castle Book Club 2.0 - Chapter 1

I told myself I'd start the WIP Big Bang in June, and it is now June. So it's time to get Tamora Pierce's voice out of my head and bring Maud's back. And what better way to do that than to book club my way through the book a second time and bring you all with me?

Dunno if we'll go chapter by chapter this time, since a lot of the middle chapters are short and more interesting to talk about as a group than individually. But we'll play it by ear and see what the vibes are like.

So! Back to Deerwood we go!

We start out strong, with a delightful opening paragraph:

If it had not rained on a certain May morning Valancy Stirling’s whole life would have been entirely different. She would have gone, with the rest of her clan, to Aunt Wellington’s engagement picnic and Dr. Trent would have gone to Montreal. But it did rain and you shall hear what happened to her because of it.

Everyone quite rightly talks about the first sentence, but I like the second one even more, and the way it subtly misleads us by highlighting Dr. Trent. It makes it seem like he will be a primary character (perhaps even a love interest!) when in actuality he ends up being just a catalyst. A fun hint at the humor of this book.

We move into Valancy's room, and we are painted a picture of a place that is both ugly and static. Maud, of course, loves to draw connections between people and the places they inhabit, and what we are learning about Valancy through her room is bleak. Yes, it is ugly and yes none of it is hers, but even more than that everything is old and crumbling: the wallpaper is faded, the ceiling is cracked and discolored, the looking glass is cracked, the shell-covered box has a bust corner and the beaded pincushion has half its bead fringe gone. And yet none of these items are permitted the dignity of retirement. They are on display just as they always have been, and will be until they fully crumble to dust. They have not been cared for, so that they might age gracefully or be preserved longer, they have simply sat, unloved and untended, falling apart but forbidden from leaving even though no one wants them there.

A strong start to the embodied houses in this book.

We get a delightful turn of phrase with:

Nobody in the Stirling clan, or its ramifications

The Stirling clan is an Event, an Act of Nature more than simply a family. They Happen to you and you just have to deal with the fallout.

Our second embodied house is the Blue Castle itself, and it is beautiful and splendid and solidly fantastical. The Blue Castle is like that perfect novel you dream to yourself while going to bed, filled with sparkling dialog and emotional climaxes that hit with perfect devastation and none of the actual work needed to make those elements work in practice. The Blue Castle has no need for laundry or dusting or clothing made from actual fabrics. Its inhabitants are free to float gracefully down the staircase on an endless loop and parade before Valancy swooning gracefully at her beauty. It’s a daydream, written by someone who clearly knows her way around a good daydream and understands them from the inside. As the author states herself:

Things are very convenient in this respect in Blue Castles.

But today Valancy is twenty-nine and miserable and unmarried and daydreams can sustain her no longer. And, unless I’ve forgotten something, she never again finds the keys to her Blue Castle in the story. She talks about it, but I don’t believe she ever actually sets foot in the fantasy again. By the time she’s able to dream again, she’s escaped her Stirling life and doesn’t need airy fantasies to keep her going.

Valancy thinks of the canceled picnic and goes through the list of relatives she’s glad to not have to see, which is all of them. Put a pin in these descriptions, we’ll come back to them in a later chapter. This first round of descriptors makes them all seem rather formidable and dreadful, but Valancy duly does her best to think well of them even in the privacy of her own thoughts. She is in awe of Aunt Wellington, Aunt Alberta has an amiable habit, she dislikes but respects Uncle James. As I said, we’ll come back to these.

Meanwhile, we don’t have to go to the picnic! And so Valancy tentatively plans her day, including her great rebellion of perhaps going unattended to a doctor at the tender age of 29. As I said the first time I read this book, I can so deeply relate to Valancy’s desire to do things secretly because trying to tell anyone what she’s doing will turn it into a Whole Thing.

Colors mentioned:

Greying darkness

Red eyes

Yellow-painted floor

Dark-red paper

Brown-paper lambrequin

Yellow chair

Red brick box

Blue Castle

Blue loveliness

White urns

Golden curls

Heavenly blue eyes

Reddish, tawny hair

Not one single crimson or purple spot

Silver teaspoon

We're limiting ourselves to the css colors, so perhaps Valancy's life is slightly more vibrant than the screen gives it credit for being, but even still this is a limited color palette, especially compared to what we will see later. The only interesting color words are crimson, which is referring to something valancy lacks, and golden and tawny which are referring to someone fictional. Otherwise it's all just the standard names for colors with no nuance.

[tylernation]

Explaining Tyler Galpin

Ok, just thought I might post this because I need to say this. I don’t care who you ship in the show, whether you’re Wenclair, Wyler, Wavier, or no ship for Wednesday at all (since Jenna favours that). But lack of understanding for someone like Tyler completely annoys and angers me greatly.

His whole life from the day he was born has been a curse. His mother Françoise had her Hyde unlocked just afterwards via severe postpartum depression which led her to be institutionalised in a psychiatric facility for the rest of her life. As Tyler would have been weeks to months old when this more than likely happened. He probably spent his childhood seeing his mother in hospital under limited and supervised visits, leading Tyler to develop confusion about this and later leading him to frequently press his father about her to which Donovan would ignore or try to change the subject as he was to engulfed in his own grief and depression to answer his son.

Everytime he looked at Tyler, Donovan would have instantly been reminded of the woman he loved and what became of her. And as Wednesday deduced in the last episode, he spent the past years living in fear of the possibility that Tyler would suffer the same fate as his mother. So rather than face that possibility and further heartbreak again, Donovan chose to bury himself in his work and alcohol and keep his distance from Tyler. From Tyler’s POV, seeing his father rarely would have led him to feel unloved or unwanted. And it would have led him to grow up on his own without any help and lead him to be easily influenced by certain figures within his life such as Lucas, Jonah, and Carter, and develop feelings of resentment and perhaps self-hatred to which he took out on others such as when he assaulted Xavier Thorpe a year prior to the first season. Though another theory is that he only attacked Xavier AFTER he learned about his mother from Laurel and how Nevermore refused to help her because she was a Hyde, but that's a theory for another time. Now instead of helping Tyler deal with his problems, Donovan once again decided to let someone else handle this by sending his son off to a boot camp, and while this might of helped somewhat in terms of his behavioural problems. It did nothing to help him when the inevitable came.

When Thornhill began grooming Tyler a year before Wednesday’s arrival. She did so by taking advantage of his neglected life, and emotional insecurities that craved for affection and care. Caressing his hand in the Weathervane and slowly but surely luring him into a false sense of security (probably acting flirty and sexual towards him as well). So when Laurel finally shows Tyler his mother’s psych file about her being Hyde, it leads him to realise he could potentially be one as well. And when he likely finds out about Nevermore’s rejection of Hydes this would have led him to develop even more resentment towards outcasts as not only did they refuse to help his mother once she went spiraling, but not even they of all people would accept his type. Tyler could have had a life of belonging in Nevermore instead of the life of neglect and abandonment he got from his distant and grieving father.

When Laurel tries to get Tyler to allow her to unlock his Hyde, he becomes against it, as he was fearful of where that would lead. Which is why Laurel kidnapped and chained him up in a cave where she subjugated him to chemical experiments that would lead to his Hyde being awakened. Whilst the Hyde would automatically become loyal to her, Laurel would have needed Tyler’s cooperation as well. Which is why she tortured him until he fully submitted. The use of physical abuse as well as the plant derive chemicals would have brainwashed him completely. May I remind everyone who reads this that he is still a minor in the series when this happens. The more times she orders him to transform, the more the Hyde consumes him and becomes attached to Laurel, like a sort of Stockholm Syndrome in which a person becomes attached to their captor / abuser if they are brainwashed to a degree, which Tyler definitely was.

Now we get to his actions. People who are so against him (haters) like to point out what happened to Thing and Eugene to justify their arguments. But here’s where I discredit that. 1. Thing was stabbed by Laurel, not Tyler. Yes, Tyler was assigned to distract Wednesday which resulted in Thing getting stabbed, but I sincerely doubt he knew that his master was going to stab Wednesday’s closest companion since childhood and probably thought that she was going to go in, get the Faulkner diary, and get out. Yes, Thing has a right to be mad, but I'm hoping that he can see, that deep down, Tyler is not the true villain here, Laurel is. 2. Tyler could have killed Eugene yes. In fact, as a Hyde, he should have been able to easily kill him, but he didn’t, Eugene lived and managed to recover well enough from his coma to the point where he easily assisted Wednesday in subduing Thornhill with his bees. The only person chasing after the Hyde the night of the Rave’N was Wednesday, who had already seen the monster, and was no match for such a creature. Therefore her arrival shouldn't have been able to disrupt his act. The fact that Eugene survived is proof that Tyler chose to let his humane side take control for once. With Thornhill’s orders being “take care of it”, it wasn’t an explicit instruction to kill him, therefore Tyler was able to interpret that as a way where he didn’t have to let Eugene die.

Haters also liked to point out that he manipulated Wednesday and used her. Yes this is true. But people who read this, I implore you to remember that Tyler was manipulated himself, though in a much more cruel manner. Tyler is a tragic character and a tragic villain. His actions came from being abused and brainwashed by Laurel, and had she not been in the picture, none of this would have happened. In fact, had Donovan told his son the truth about what he potentially was a lot earlier, it would have helped Tyler be on his guard on who to trust as he would have been made aware of the creature living inside him.

Tyler is someone who has had his life constantly fucked over completely by the following:

His father (for neglecting him)

Laurel (for abusing and manipulating him)

Nevermore (for rejecting him)

The thing I worry about is that the writers are gonna overlook Tyler’s past, and that they’re going to disregard him or make him suffer some cruel fate when has already been through enough already. They should not do this. Tyler needs HELP and a chance to HEAL. I can’t stress that enough everyone.

[dangermousie]

This feels like a love triangle.

I don't mean romantic (though as someone who shipped Borgias, go off in fanfic anyone thus inclined) but you can tell LJY feeling left out, feeling jealous really because while I can joke that Hyun is serial killer catnip in terms of wanting his love/approval/interest, the serious answer is that LJY, who was only abused for his otherness long before he did anything heinous (and perhaps he never would have, if he was treated well - it's a mixture of nature and nurture after all), yearns to be loved like this.

He sees Min, the "monster" be loved so unconditionally and so thoroughly, and feels the loss because he never has been. His obsession with Hyun isn't so much that he sees himself in him (there may be some of that - I genuinely don't know if LJY was like Min "born different" or if LJY was normalish but abuse and isolation turned him that way and if it's the latter I can see him seeing himself in Hyun who is also a little odd but not a psychopath by nature; but probably could have become one thanks to daddy) as that he is drawn to the fact that Hyun sincerely and utterly loves someone who is like him and thus is supposed to be by societal definition unlovable. LJY has never received love but this shows to him that in some alternate universe he could have; that nobody is irredeemable to such a degree that they cannot be loved by someone.

PS The longer it goes on, the more I wonder at the dad's insanity. Here is how it works in dad world. Here is my evidence my son is a psychopath who will start killing at any moment:

1.There was a short period where after trauma related to his mom's death he wet the bed (love that even his shrink friend goes WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU)

2. He's really really smart. UMMMMMM

3. I once saw him burying a dead animal he said he found dead. Also, neighbors said some animals in the neighborhood died. UMMMMMM

4. He (why he assumes it's him and not his other kid but separate question) drew some crayon pics of people with two heads. UMMMMM

5. The serial killer psychopath who has been arrested tells him that he's met his son for three minutes and his son is totes like him. Because a serial killer officially known for lying and manipulativeness is super good character witness who always tells the truth.

Now that he's drawn absolutely absurd conclusion based on no evidence, possible course of action:

1.Observe some more for a while just to confirm because the evidence seems awfully thin.

OR

2. Get son professionally evaluated. There is a whole field of study about psychology and people who get PhDs about it and specialize in this.

OR

3. Just hope for the best and treat him well; he's pretty little no need to freak out yet.

OR

4. We are gonna lie to everyone he went to study overseas and I am gonna lock him up in the basement where he sees nobody except for me, no playing with other kids, no fresh air, not even his little brother, as I tell him he's a monster so it's for his own good. Bonus: his little brother is totes gonna grow up normal in a home where one day dad locks up older bro in the basement for no reason he gave to you and you never get to see him again.

If you picked 4, congrats you are the dad, who's not just abusive but dumber than a post. You are guaranteed to grow yourself two psycho kids but also if you jump to such far-fetched conclusions on such scant evidence, I am forced to conclude that most criminals you caught were probably innocent (unless you got lucky) since if you apply the same absurdity to your job, you must have railroaded a ton of random people. "This man is the one who killed the old lady! He has blue shoes! Blue is the color of the devil!" You are about a step away from that.

[lady-de-mon-coeur]

So Happy Together

AO3

Words: 1,279. Language: English. Rated G.

Summary: What if, in Frozer Ladybug answered Chat Noir’s question differently?

It was happening again.

Chat Noir was desperate.

He wanted to cry.

He wanted to scream and shout.

He wanted to grab Ladybug’s shoulders and peer into her eyes until his gaze reached the deepest depths of her soul.

He wanted to ask her, "Why don't you love me?" until he finally got an answer.

It was stupid. He knew it was of no use. He could do nothing to make her love him. He would only make things worse.

Besides, he already knew the answer.

That guy again. The mysterious guy Ladybug was in love with. His shadow has haunted them all along, keeping them apart.

Or perhaps it's not just this. Maybe it's Chat Noir who was the reason. Maybe he was unlovable.

Ladybug gave him such a heart-wrenching look that Chat Noir didn't dare touch her. His arms fell limply by his sides in defeat, a scarlet rose in his hand hanging down uselessly, reminding him of his unrequited feelings.

His hopes of ever winning his lady's heart were falling. Just like the petals of the rose he held in his hand.

He had nothing left to lose.

"If it weren't for that guy, would things be different between us?"

Ladybug’s face fell. She turned away.

"Just drop it, Chaton, please. Don't torment yourself," she murmured miserably, her head in her hands.

She was hurting, just as he was. Chat Noir could see it clearly. He hated himself for tormenting her. But he couldn’t just back away. Not yet. He needed a clear answer.

"I just want to know the truth, my lady. I won't ever ask this question again, I promise."

Ladybug turned around to face him once more.

"Do you want to know the truth? Okay. My answer is 'yes'. Yes, I'm sure I would love you the way you deserve to be loved. Yes, I'm sure we would be a couple, a very beautiful one."

"Are you telling me this just to comfort me? Or do you really mean it, Ladybug?" Chat Noir asked with a shaking voice, drooping his head and fidgeting with the rose he was still holding.

"Of course, I really mean it, Chaton". There was the softest expression Chat Noir had ever seen on Ladybug's face, and he suddenly felt stinging in his eyes and a large lump forming in his throat. "Oh god, you are such an amazing and lovable person. Every girl would be lucky to have you. I'm so sorry I can't give you what you want and deserve."

Chat Noir could see in the crystal-clear drops glistening in her sapphire eyes that her heart was breaking on his behalf.

And then she did something totally unexpected.

She cupped his cheek, and Chat Noir’s heart nearly stopped at the touch of her gloved hand on his face.

But if this gesture was unexpected, it was nothing compared to what she did next.

She rose on her tiptoes and placed an ever so tender kiss on his cheek.

"Chaton," she whispered softly in his ear, "please don't dwell on this too much. You have no idea how my heart bleeds every time I have to reject you. Please spare me the pain. You're such a good kitten. I'm sure one day someone will love you the way you deserve."

She then gave him a comforting hug and leapt away.

===

Don't dwell on this too much.

Such useless advice, if you think about it.

It was easier said than done.

You can't just show a picture of paradise to someone who is currently living in hell and then take it away and tell them not to dwell too much on what they've seen.

Chat Noir had thought that Ladybug’s honest answer would finally bring peace to his soul.

But it looked like he was thoroughly mistaken.

It wasn’t a closure. It was the start of something brand new, but just as painful.

He couldn’t get Ladybug’s words out of his head. It was real torture.

The memory of Ladybug’s hot breath tickling his ear was still so vivid. The place she kissed was still burning like a fire.

But now it has transformed into a memory of something that never happened and probably was never going to happen.

These imaginary scenarios of what could've been were passing in a row in front of his eyes, teasing his exhausted mind.

***

He's kneeling in front of his lady, giving her a crimson rose, as he'd done earlier that day, but this time she accepts it and presses it tenderly to her chest. There's a grateful smile playing on her lips.

***

She's leaning in to whisper in his ear, but this time, these are the words of love she tells him.

***

He prepared a romantic date for Ladybug, with candles and rose petals spread around. And this time she comes. She says she loves him too.

***

These scenes looked so real in his head.

As if Ladybug’s words, once uttered, had brought to life a whole parallel universe. A universe where they were in a happy relationship and in love with each other.

And Chat Noir was now sneaking into this paradise through a half-open door.

He wondered if Ladybug had seen similar sneak peeks. Most likely she did; otherwise, she wouldn't be so sure of what she had told him.

What was she feeling when she thought about their possible romance? Was she feeling bad that it didn't happen?

Didn't her heart flutter a single time while imagining these scenarios? Didn't a tiny part of her soul want it to be a reality?

Did that other guy know what he was missing? Would he still be able to sleep at night if he knew that the Goddess herself was crazy in love with him?

He clenched his fists and gritted his teeth at the mere thought.

===

The constant daydreaming and the visions from the parallel reality were getting the best of Chat Noir as the days passed. And there was no way he was going to give up daydreaming anytime soon.

This imaginary world was his quiet corner, which no one could take away from him.

The visions of the paradise he created in his head were so fantastic and enticing that, at some point, Chat Noir didn't care that they weren't real.

***

She's puckering up her kissable lips as she leans in, her scent invading Chat Noir’s senses.

***

She's resting her forehead lovingly against his, her delicate arms wrapped around his neck, before eventually melting into a passionate kiss.

***

They are stargazing, their fingers laced together, her head resting on his shoulder.

***

She's coming from behind while he's waiting for her on the rooftop in an attempt to surprise him by covering his eyes with her palms, and he's feigning to be surprised despite having perfectly heard her approach thanks to his enhanced senses.

***

These pictures, born from Chat Noir's vivid imagination, were countless.

This was still torture, but of a pleasant kind. Chat Noir was surprised to find out that he actually loved the way it hurt. He took strange pleasure in his spiralling thoughts.

He loved the way his throat tightened, the unshed tears prickling his eyes.

He savoured the bittersweet taste of melancholy and the sublime feeling of being rejected.

He loved crying himself to sleep. He'd like to drown in this pool of sorrow.

He reached the point where happiness and misery made no difference anymore. For him it was the same feeling that made his soul vibrate with some strange kind of music.

"My lady, ma belle, my love" he whispered, tears welling up in his eyes again. "We could be so happy together."

A/N: As you can see, not much has changed.

[eunchancorner]

I wrote a lil drabble based on the RatQueen hcs from yesterday

Carmen sighed softly as she stepped into her house, smiling a bit as she heard her husband approach. He’d gotten off work early today to pick up Roy from school, which meant he’d arrived a lot earlier than she did. It also meant that she’d had to walk home, which she didn’t mind. Tonight was surprisingly warm and her home wasn’t too far from her office, in fact she often found walking to and from work quite nice. However, it also allowed strange things to happen while she did so.

Tonight wasn’t quite as strange, but it sure was different.

“Hello, darling, how was your ride?” she greeted him as she turned to kiss him in greeting, brief but sweet, and he smiled in response.

“It was nice, as nice as a drive can be at least. And your walk?”

“Quite warm, actually. It seems that the world is giving one last hurrah before winter fully takes hold.”

“In January? It sounds more like spring is trying to take hold early, to me.”

“Maybe, maybe. But, something did happen.”

This seemed to catch Richard’s attention, his expression gaining a tinge of curiosity.

“Oh? What might that have been?”

She paused. How should she put this?

“Do you remember how, in the beginning of our marriage, we agreed it’d be an open marriage? I’d understand if not, I suppose we never really acted on it.”

“I do, actually. I also remember never having much luck talking to anyone else, and just being grateful I had you, and the only people that seemed interested in you were all the kind to think open marriages were just ‘cheating with extra steps’ for some god-forsaken reason.”

“Yes, well… I may have found someone, Richard.”

He raised an eyebrow. Now he was interested. Who in the world deserved Carmen’s attention in such a way?

“Go on,” he urged, genuinely curious.

“I believe his name is Dexter. Not the kind I’d normally go for, I’ll admit. He seems to be quite poor, his hair is an utter mess, he has an eye injury, wears goggles, and seems to be in the business of capturing animals.”

“A trapper?”

“An exterminator, actually. He also seems to work freelance, so he doesn’t quite have an employer. I’ll admit he’s also erratic… in fact, I have reason to believe he may be a bit violent. I do believe I’ve seen wanted posters for him on one of the light posts.”

“I see. And what, pray tell, do you find attractive about him?”

“Just… the opportunity, I suppose. To show the love to someone others may deem unlovable. To prove I can love what others can’t. He struck up a conversation with me, remarking about my beauty, and when I flirted back, he seemed to grow quite flustered. I do believe I… how would Reynold put this? That I could ‘pull him’.”

“Hm…” Richard thought on this for a second. On the one hand, he knew it was a bit morally questionable that Carmen wanted to try to be with this stranger to prove a point. But on the other hand, he got the feeling that this may end up being more than Carmen thought it would, and frankly, he was ok with that. Besides, it might be nice to have someone else around the house. Sometimes it felt lonely with just the three of them there.

“Well, if you’re confident in yourself, I think you should try. He seems interested in you, after all. Perhaps there’s something more to be discovered here.”

She smiled softly at her husband’s support, a warm feeling spreading in her chest.

“Thank you, darling.” She leaned in and kissed him softly, still smiling upon pulling him away. “I’m glad you’re who I married.”

~-A few weeks later-~

“Richard?” Carmen called into the house as she entered, turning to see her husband approaching upon her call.

“Yes, dear?” he asked, a little worried about being called so soon after she arrived.

“I think I may have fallen in love with him!”

[silenttale22]

STRONG FOR YOU |PJM|

Idol!Jimin x Reader Genre: Fluff, Slight angst

Warnings: anxiety, slight panic attack Note: Hi there Sweetheart, thank You for being here! I still cannot believe what happened with Gguk one-shot but I am so, so thankful for all of you <3 And oh God, I promise I'll do my best and write even more because you gave me so much motivation aishh. So yeah, I hope you'll enjoy Jimin one as well! Thank You so so much one more time!

Your stress level is increasing again, and you don't know where the trigger lies. Is that a boss who walks around pointing out every single detail and driving you insane because none of this is your fault? Or perhaps it's the never-ending calls from an overprotective mother who questions you about everything and nothing even though you're almost 24. Another possibility is that you are experiencing anxiety because of a perceived danger in your head that is making everything around you seem dangerous. All of the muscles are hurting, clenching all the time from stress, and then returning to a relatively relaxed form for the next two days.

Oh, how you just wish for a day off, but not only from work, this is also a wish for your head. Because every other day it seems to be much darker than it used to be, and sometimes you don't know how to grip yourself. Even if everything appears to be perfect on some days, you may believe that things will improve only to wake up another night covered in blankets with lonely tears streaming down your cheeks.

You were almost pulling your hair out from the number of times you had passed the same shelves over and over, losing your way as you rushed through the counters looking for the "home" one. You didn't work here for long, only managing to catch up from time to time on weekends outside of your work at home, but you liked to have everything perfect. No matter how quickly you completed a task, your goal was to get the best outcomes as soon as you could. And because of that, your mental health suffered as a result of frequent, unnecessary stress and frustration. Inside, you were arguing with yourself because you wanted to have a sacred peace of mind, hoping that all the dark feelings in you would eventually die down, but you also added responsibilities or unnecessary worries to your head, which were often not even manageable. You are doomed to your thoughts, no matter how many times you tell yourself that they are not yours and that you don't need to listen to them so intently because they dwarf everything else.

And in fact, all you've wanted for the past few weeks has been to cry. Even though you've done it night after night, hugging a pillow still soaked with the perfume of your boyfriend, whom you now see once in a while, you couldn't free yourself from the feeling of something you couldn't define. On the one hand, you have the feeling that it's an endless emptiness, but it's also some kind of feeling, and it's tearing you apart from the inside, because you don't know whether you feel lonely, tired, or most simply broken into the smallest possible pieces. Your pondering over every little situation and considering other people's words that will probably never have any meaning in your life leads your senses to obsess over the things being said.

Although you badly needed someone's support, you knew you couldn't mention it in the presence of your boyfriend, who, like you, was able to drop everything to help another important person, and you couldn't blame him for anything, he never did anything to make you feel unloved, yet you still don't want to be a burden, and certainly not at this time. You saw him working hard day after day, from morning to night, on his album. He writes songs and focuses on composing new melodies, and you know that one word from you at least close to meaning pain would make him drop everything to help you. What kind of girlfriend would you be, throwing your problems on his shoulders, when he had his own?

You cursed under your breath as another sufficiently loud ringtone sounded inside one of the pockets of the company button-through smock while you were picking up one of the cartons at the shop after finding already correct counters. Then throws the boxes harshly on the floor with the knowledge that there were only towels and blankets inside, so nothing could be damaged by your sudden onslaught of anger.

“If this is another time you call to ask, how are you, are you at work? What are you doing after? Probably sitting on the couch again… then just hang up because I'm not going to listen to how unworthy and lazy a daughter I am.” You almost perfectly mimic your mother's voice and end up talking with a loud enough huff to make customers look at you with confused faces. You hated it. The constant phone calls, the questioning, the controlling… you had been sick to your back teeth. And you really were grateful for everything you got from your parents, but at times all you truly needed was peace and quiet. No intrusive phone calls or messages, but so what if the mere mention of it sparks a heated-up argument? Then unpleasant words are directed your way, and you end up eventually sobbing at night because you are ‘the worst daughter in this world’. Among other things, these were the very thoughts that most often led you to total amusement - I am the worst daughter, girlfriend, friend…no matter how hard I try, no matter how best a version of myself I will be, after all, it can always be better, can't it?

“Well sweetheart, I was about to ask the first three questions, and I would love to sit on the couch with you honestly, but I don't remember we talked about daddy thing and all,” you heard a little laugh from the other side, and your eyes softened along with tightened muscles. You had no idea how strong your need was to hear the melodious voice of your boyfriend. “And how could I even call you an unworthy and lazy daughter when you're like the sweetest one and doing everything the best you can?” Now you chuckled, hearing the feigned pretentious tone, and attempting to stifle laughter.

“Sorry Chim, It's been a rough week.” You sighed and fixed your gaze on the pillows lying in front of you in a metal basket, which had furry pillowcases and tempted you so hard to run your fingers over them to feel the pleasant material under your fingertips. Jimin was one of the few people who, with their voice, could calm your ruffled thoughts and bring you back to a relatively relaxed state. Even the shortest, quietest laugh from his lips could bring tears to your eyes from the sudden comfort enveloping your body. And you were never one to claim that another person could be someone's home or shelter, you usually thought we had to provide our own peace of mind. But when a slightly tipsy boy knocked on your door one chilly evening, with an uncertain smile and asked if he had found Taehyung, who, as it later turned out, was his best friend, you didn't think he would stay in your life for long. And you especially didn't think you'd ever have a romantic relationship with someone so popular. But now, after having Jimin by your side for a good few years, you can't imagine not having him around. "But it doesn't matter right now; how are the album recordings going? You work so hard, I'm so proud of you, Minnie.” You asked, not wanting to worry the boy.

“Meh, could be better. I'm kind of stuck. Also, entertainment forces me to do stupid Tik-Toks, and as much as I enjoy making them for the ARMY, I despise being forced to do them. I really want to focus, but they just think that I'm boring or something. And I miss you so much. Every night wishing to have you in my arms.” You could clearly hear the pout, and your imagination helps you picture his adorable face complaining about not being able to hold you.

That's what you loved most about him. His gentleness and openness in expressing his feelings. That is, in theory, what you didn't have. You rarely let it be known how frail you can be. You put on a mask of indifference and didn't so much pretend that nothing moved you as try not to brood over things in front of people. It was completely different when you were alone or after some time around Jimin. You could just feel yourself with him. His arm wrapped around your waist, his head snuggled into your shoulder as yours calmly rested against his, while your fingers slowly combed through his wet and soft mint-scented hair, further soothing your thoughts. You missed those evenings, and you missed him.

“And thank you, Y/N, I'm so proud of you too! You're still working on this new book translation? Is that why it's been rough? You should call me, you know I would come.” You heard his worried tone of voice, and a wave of guilt flooded your body. This is exactly what you wanted to avoid, and unfortunately, the boy's attention to every detail was one of the things you still couldn't get used to.

You knew very well that one phone call would be enough for him to show up at your door in less than 15 minutes, usually with some snacks so you could end up on the couch watching a movie, but the fact that Jimin put you first, even above his career, never ceased to amaze you, and at times terrify you. It made you terrified of hurting him; you had the feeling that the wrong words could crush him. There have been many fights between you during which both sides suffered heavily and could not get back together, mainly due to the neglect of health. The boy was overworking himself, so you intervened. Because the sudden overwhelm of all the emotions and stress would cut you off from him, he would frequently step in. But you, not being used to having someone else worry about you, would end up yelling and blaming him for your lack of personal comfort or boundaries, which was usually complete nonsense, because, in each of these moments, you need someone to hold you tightly in their arms and simply reassure you that everything would be okay.

“I know I could. But you were working, and I am aware of how important this album is. Besides, as you can see, we'll be able to meet, so I don't see a problem.” You mumbled because of the dizziness that forced you to grab the basket in front of you tighter. A sudden excess of overwhelming emotions and guilt, which your stupid head made even worse, made your body feel in danger, and cortisol levels in your body rose significantly in just a few minutes. Even though you talked to Jimin, who calmed your nerves, you were afraid it wouldn't be enough, and the panic attack would strike in seconds.

"Yeah, sweetheart, of course, we'll be able to meet, but you know, you can call me whenever you want, even without a particular reason; I love hearing your voice. And stop overthinking right now about me being worried; I know you're doing this, darling, and it's not good. I love you and I care about you; take a deep breath now because I can hear how hard your breath became.” And that was your Jimin, soft voice soothing you as always, the anchor was moored, and the excessive anxiety slowly disappeared. It's so good you had him.

“Thank you, Chim, and I'm sorry. Can we meet tonight? My shift ends at 7 p.m., so maybe at my place?" You asked with hope, but you were well aware that he was not going to refuse your invitation.

You immediately heard his light chuckle, which confirmed your words about the meeting. You talked for a while, agreeing on what to bring, and after a few minutes, you hung up to finish the tasks assigned to you in the store today, looking forward to seven o'clock.

A strong blast of wind hit your face when a few minutes past seven o'clock on your watch allowed you to let go of your workspace without further ado. You were tired enough, and the muscles in your shoulders were slowly starting to feel uncomfortable from carrying the boxes. With a quick step, you headed towards the apartment, and in your mind were only pleasant images where you cuddled worry-free into the arms of your boyfriend and no longer worried about the world around you.

However, halfway through, when the billboards above your head appeared in shimmering colors, repeatedly showing the face of your smiling boyfriend, your head began to go haywire. There was a slight dizziness and a sudden wave of guilt that you hated so much, but at the same time couldn't get rid of.

"Think of his fans. Think of him, Think of…" And here we go again, instead of focusing on yourself for once, you put the well-being of others above your own, and even the voices screaming in your head made tears glisten in your eyes and an unpleasant knot tighten in your throat.

Several hurrying people passing you impetuously hit your shoulder, making you lose your balance more than once, but still, by some sort of luck, you stay on your feet and take another step. Your breathing was becoming more shallow, and your attempts to catch gulps of air were coming out with great difficulty. Your hands were shaking, as you pulled out a phone from a pocket and tried to unlock the screen while staring at the smiling face pictured on your wallpaper, completely unfocused as you typed in the pin.

“13101995” you mumbled, trying, again and again, to do it right, hoping to not block your phone forever.

When you finally managed to unlock the phone and dial the right number, the sound of the dial tone only echoed in your head. But when your next three attempts to make the call ended without success, your head was flooded with another torrent of thoughts. "Stop being so damn pushy, enough already that he wants to meet you." You took a deep breath in an attempt to calm down, but another torrent of thoughts slid through your head "Just get a grip and go home, don't be naive that someone will come to your rescue".

A bucket of cold reality was poured over your head, and this was the time when your awareness returned, but was filled with tears. A few bricks were added to the wall that had been built, and the cement was being mixed up all over again. It was one of those moments when guilt stamped so much on your heart that you longed to cut yourself off completely. Your steps, still wobbly, sped towards the apartment, and even the heavy wind no longer bothered you. The only thing you would like to remove now is the uncontrollable tears streaming down your cheeks, blurring your vision the whole way. The lights of neon lights around you shimmered in your eyes, making you dizzy again. Oh, how much you hated living in the city center. How much have you longed for a small cottage on the outskirts, with easy access to nature and fresh air not filled with smog and polluted air…

Your phone had been ringing and ringing for several minutes while you were still moving along the sidewalks of Seoul to get to your place. And when you rushed into the apartment, the smell of soft vanilla and masculine perfume entered your nostrils, making tears stand in your eyes again.

“Oh my, tell me it's you. I've been sick worried.” familiar voice comes up to your ears, making you look up at the worried face of Jimin. When his eyes met yours, his face grew even sadder. The boy quickly came over to grasp your frosted cheeks in his hands, warming them with the gentle rubbing of his thumbs. Not a long moment passed when you felt his soft lips on yours, tasting the tomato sauce with which the corners of his mouth were covered as well as his cheeks here and there. “I am so so sorry I couldn't pick up the phone. It was connected to the charger in the bedroom, and we both know that the kitchen would be burned out if I left.” He looked at you, still rubbing your cheeks.

“It's fine Jimin.”

“It's not, my sweetest one, especially when you call me Jimin.” The boy grimaced slightly, but quickly returned to his smile, hoping you would forgive him for the missed calls.

As he stared deeply into your eyes, he noticed how they sparkled at the sight of his smiling face. Jimin was slowly filled with a warm feeling that made him embrace you even tighter as your hands gently tightened on his forearms to wrap around his waist in a moment and dip your head into his chest. It had been a while since you last met, so when your delicate floral perfume that he missed so much entered his nostrils, all the stress and anxiety that he hid exceptionally well finally began to float away. No matter how hard anyone tried, you were the only one who could bring him such strong comfort. You were his brightest light on the darkest days. Jimin couldn't even imagine himself without you beside him.

“I love you.” Your quiet voice, which was now even more muffled by how hard you pressed your head into his chest, reached Jimin's ears, giving him a new dose of pleasant butterflies.

"I love you too," he said, trying to hug you tighter, but you pushed him away gently to look into his eyes.

"But as much as I love you, I still wish I had my kitchen all safe and sound, and you - Park Jimin - are just burning probably my favorite pan." And a moment after your spoken words, the boy's eyes widened, and he disappeared into a nearby doorframe to eliminate the smell of burning meat and boiled sauce.

You took off your jacket bouncing your head not believing what just happened, and went to the kitchen looking at how the boy is fighting with the sauce, turning off the gas on the cooker. Coming up closer, your nose was filled with tomato aroma and a small hint of burning, that he tried to cover up - miserably. You let out a small chuckle and back hug the boy who after brimming over the dressing on the plates with pasta, started to scrape off dark trails of burning on the pan.

‘Leave it Minnie’ you mumbled into his tightened back, which almost immediately at the contact with your skin relaxed slightly.

‘But-’

‘Nah, don't stress over the dish. Are your hands okay?’ You stopped boy to take his slender fingers and watch them carefully, but he only took your cheeks and squished them adorably, and after leaving a few love-filled kisses on them he let you sit at the already-prepared table to taste his meal.

“I hope it will taste good, I tried my best watching Youtube tutorials.” He laughed taking the seat in front of you.

“Smells amazing” you smiled, couldn't really take your eyes off his soft, clean face.

“I know you can be kinda tired of Korean food so I wanted to make something more uh, yours.” he looked at the spaghetti hesitantly, but you only chuckled “But yeah, now eat up sweetheart.”

“I really appreciate it.” Your mouth was already watering just at the spreading smell, so when you finally tried the food after thanking the boy, you could feel heaven. Your stomach sang happily after not eating the whole day, the same as you, who not only could eat a portion of amazing food, but it was a dish prepared by your boyfriend with his whole heart.

‘It's so good! Damn, my Minnie is so good at everything.’ you said with a mouth fully filled only hearing how boys laughing and leaning over to clean the tomato sauce from your face with his fingertips.

“I'm glad my girl like it”

The rest of the evening was only you two, tangled together with some sort of blanket thrown over when you started complaining that you were cold. The K-dramas put on the TV playing in the background but the full attention was on your or his words. And it was always like that. After not seeing each other for long, even if you could talk about stuff on the phone, together sitting on the couch and talking about everything was your thing. And you loved it. How you couldn't run away from it and just stuck with him chatting till the morning sun welcome you two by the window.

“Namjoon Hyung helped me with that one, but I don't know. Sometimes, more than often, I think it's not enough,” you looked up from the sheet on which was the lyrics of one of the album songs with a raised eyebrow.

“And why my Minnie is again insecure about his hard work, hm? Baby, it's great, really I mean it.” you said quickly, reassuring boy he's doing a great job “‘Watch me go, Now, I sink down, all alone away, Where am I? A dark haze clouding up my eyes’. Can you sing this verse for me?” he did as you asked, and you were in heaven as his voice start to embarrassing you for even longer when he sang a whole song.

“Oh, it's gon' be a good night, Forever you and I” he sang again after a while, bumping your nose with a finger, and cuddling onto your side and the only thing you could do was leave a quiet chuckle and brush his hair softly.

“But why do some of the songs seem so, sad?”

“Sad? I think they kinda fun, with music presents better, I promise” he sends you a confused look, but quickly changes it into a smile.

“Yeah? Alone? Who are you trying to fool?” You said with tongue in cheek, while Jimin made a whining sound hiding his face in the crook of your neck wanting to hide from the world “I'm pretending to be okay every time. I'm so pathetic? Park Jimin?”

“I knew I shouldn't show it.” you slapped his arm lightly, making him look at you “Part of this lyric is old, how I felt without someone by my side, okay? Not all of this is…fresh,” he explained quickly, hoping this will resolve your doubts but you only send him another look, receiving another whine from his lips “I promise.”

“I'm just worried. I want you to know I'm always here for you, and you do not have to ‘Walk in your dark room alone, to say it was okay’ because sometimes we just do not have to be okay.” you said, brushing his hair again, knowing that it calms him down

“Fine, some of it was written when we were together. But only when I was far away from you, when you weren't there to remind me who I am,” you let out a deep breath and pressed your lips to his head, leaving a prolonged kiss on top of it.

“But I am here now. Not going anywhere,” you said, embracing his stronger inhaling his scent, being happy to have him by your side.

“I know. That's how I know it will be forever you and I. I am strong only thanks to you.” he said, sending you a smile and stilling a quick kiss from your lips

“No, no. You are strong by yourself, I'm just helping somehow with keeping it.”

“But you are the reason, so I am strong for you” he chuckled, melting your heart as he usually does.

And oh, if Jimin only knew how many times you wanted to give up, but his smiling face gave you the strength to stand up and fight again, being strong again. Your heart was so happy knowing that he is. That you are not so alone, because there is a person who understands you. Who loved you no matter how bad your condition could be…

Now lying together, your hands intertwined, and one of your hand still playing with his hair. The room is now quiet and you can hear only your heartbeat and his steady breath, knowing that he fell asleep in the crook of your neck but never letting go of your hand. He was always here to keep you safe. And he did it perfectly. With his body language, with his thoughts, with his voice.

Park Jimin was your refuge. The only place where you didn't have to be strong. The only place where you could drop your guard, and he'd hold you as tightly as he could, with a love you'd never experienced before. And you were grateful to have found arms in which to hide at your worst time.

[despairforme]

hi toby! ive been a fan of your writing for a long time and the threads you had with your now deactivated partner, lexie, and i was wondering on why does nnoitra keep constantly thinking about grimmjow when nnoitra, himself, cheated on him and thinks that hes that deserving of having any form of relationship when he's a bad person. isn't he supposed to be this masculine guy that doesn't let stupid stuff get to him? wouldn't he just move on when grimmjow wants nothing to do with him? curious.

Ah, FUCK. He sure as shit didn't want to talk ( or think ) about this.

Isn't he supposed to be this masculine guy that doesn't let stupid stuff get to him?

Damn, he sure as hell wished things were that easy. If he could choose to NOT let stuff bother him, he'd have the best life ever. Unfortunately, he wasn't like that. He wasn't sure whether or not that had anything to do with his masculinity though. It wasn't like he was whining about his old relationship. He did think about Grimmjow quite a lot though, that was true. Was he not allowed to even think about him? His relationship with Grimmjow hadn't been some fling. It had been a deep, committed relationship. A connection that had lasted for many years. And Nnoitra had never loved ANYONE like he'd loved ( and, in a way, still loved ) Grimmjow.

First things first - the cheating.

Yeah, he'd cheated on Grimmjow, but that was not the full story. People usually said there was no excuse for cheating, and Nnoitra would agree. However, there was an explanation.

His relationship with Grimmjow had been falling apart. Not through arguments, but through a growing distance. Grimmjow had simply stopped giving him attention. Going without sex had been one thing ( Nnoitra had a huge sex drive, he needed to get laid ), but going without affection had been worse. Living with a person who didn't give him any attention what-so-ever. Feeling Grimmjow's love for him dwindle. Fade away. Nnoitra had ALWAYS feared that deep down, Grimmjow couldn't forgive him for what he'd done, and that that would eventually lead him to fall out of love with him. Having this fear unfold before him had been the worst. Nnoitra had never felt more unlovable than during those months. Yet, he'd held on. Hoping. That maybe Grimmjow would come back to him. Would look at him again. Touch him. Tell him: Sorry, I was going through something, but it's not your fault, I still love you. Of course, that didn't happen. It was just a fucking fantasy. OF COURSE Grimmjow would fall out of love with him. If he ever even loved him in the first place. Maybe their whole relationship was just built on Grimmjow trying to somehow cope with the trauma Nnoitra had caused him. Like a fucked up sort of Stockholm syndrome.

When Nnoitra had gotten a text from his ex, Kyota, asking to meet up, Nnoitra had hesitated. Even meeting up with Kyota while he was dating Grimmjow had felt wrong, but - in the end, he'd just NEEDED to see a friendly face. When he'd met up with Kyota at the bar, he hadn't had any plans of going to bed with him. Cheating on Grimmjow with Kyota hadn't been the plan.

But, when faced with Kyota's kindness, and the straight-forward invitation for a good fuck? Nnoitra hadn't resisted. He'd known he was throwing everything he had with Grimmjow away, and he'd chosen that. Just to feel close to someone. Just to feel good, for the first time in months.

He'd never told Grimmjow about the cheating, but maybe the other had figured it out somehow. In any case, one night Nnoitra had come home from work - Grimmjow had been gone. No goodbye. Nothing.

Why did his relationships always end with people leaving him without a word? Nnoitra had asked himself that many times. He wondered if the answer was that his partners were afraid of him. Maybe they were afraid he'd hurt them. Grimmjow had every reason to believe that, so Nnoitra couldn't blame him. Kyota too had left him like that. Without a word, even though Nnoitra had never hurt him. Perhaps he'd been able to see it anyway. See what kind of person Nnoitra was.

That was the story of how he'd cheated on Grimmjow. It wasn't like he'd excuse his behavior. However, he knew that if his relationship with Grimmjow had been good, he never would've done it.

Then, next - it was the matter of him thinking he was DESERVING of a relationship. This was simply not true. Nnoitra DIDN'T think he deserved to be loved. He knew he was a bad person. The worst kind of person, and there was no way he could ever hide that from anyone ( not that he even tried ). If someone managed to fall in love with him ( it could happen, since it had happened before ), they'd fall out of love with him when they saw his true self. There was only so long someone could lie to themselves about what Nnoitra was.

He didn't understand why this stranger thought he thought that he deserved a relationship. He WANTED one, sure. But that didn't mean he thought it was what he deserved. People usually didn't get what they deserved. They just got whatever random shit the universe decided for them. He'd pay for his sins when he died and ended up in hell. In the meantime... He sure would like to at least feel loved again. If only for a little bit.

Why was he so HUNG UP on Grimmjow? Why didn't he "just move on"? That sounded like some shit advice from someone who didn't understand. It was a cliche to say that, he supposed. He just didn't think that how things had turned out with Grimmjow could be classified as "stupid stuff". Stupid stuff was... When you dropped your phone, or someone gave you the wrong drink, or the bus didn't drop you off at your stop.

Having your fear of not being lovable confirmed by the person you loved the most in the entire world - that was not "stupid stuff". Moving past it wasn't that easy. ESPECIALLY when he hadn't gotten ANY sort of closure. It would've been easier if Grimmjow had broken up with him. Had told him everything straight out. Nnoitra would've preferred to hear him say: I DON'T LOVE YOU. Somehow, being left without a word was an even worse type of rejection.

It was unfair to say that he wasn't moving on at all, because - he was. He WAS looking ( though halfheartedly ) for a new partner. Be it a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Sure, he thought about Grimmjow from time to time, but not nearly as much as he had done a year ago. What was he supposed to do? Forget all about him? That wasn't happening. He'd known him since they were fifteen. How do you forget a person like that? He didn't even WANT to forget. He did want to move on though - or, to keep moving on. It was a process. It wasn't like stubbing your toe and "deciding to walk it off".

[trueblu3-a]

(   mom   ->   juliette   /   1:04AM   ):   i love you

were juliette anybody else,   she might not have been awake at 1:14 on a thursday morning.   she should have been asleep,   her body was calling for it desperately,   a warning that her days of pushing herself too far were probably coming to an end   (   it may have been grief,   she knew what today was:   september 28th,   25 years ago,   her father had died   /   she didn't like to believe it was grief,   the very thought that she could grieve her father,   still,   made her sick to her stomach   )...   but she was awake.

it's not as though she was doing anything.   in fact,   all she was doing was sitting in the dark at her desk:   her cat her in lap.   she had been sitting in the darkness so long,   &   knew this space so well,   that she could see every little detail with the assistance of the near full moon.   she was staring at nothing,   just looking forward as if anticipating what her night was about to become.

her phone lighting up brought her a sense of confusion.   of course,   on this day,   she always received text messages,   phone calls,   instagram comments,   from people she hardly knew:   i'm so sorry for your loss juliette!   &   she,   being the performer she was,   always obliged   &   thanked them   (   on behalf of her,   her mother,   &   her brother who were truly grieving   ).   but this was early,   only 1 hour into the day that she dreaded all year long,   it couldn't be someone giving her their faux condolences...   &   she was right.

the text left her puzzled,   &   she stared at it with a tilted head   &   parted lips.   in the past decade,   she could not recall a single time in which her mother had sent such a thing over text   (   even worse,   she could not remember a time her mother said such a thing   &   meant it   ).   guilt started to pool in her chest,   building very quickly to a man made lake of emotions that she hadn't felt in a long time.   next came the bile,   &   she swallowed down with pressure to avoid throwing up.

guilt   &   her mother were not friends,   they were not even acquaintances.

it took her at least another fives minutes to decide to get up from her seated position.   at the king family mansion slept mei xing   &   henry,   as he always did on the anniversary of their father's death.   the very act left her wondering,   each year like clockwork,   if maybe she was the problem...   the unloveable offspring rather than the scorned victim she made herself out to be.   for some reason,   the piercing 8 letters that stared through her screen convinced her so...   completely so.

she did not live completely far from her childhood home,   but far enough...   accentuated by the fact that she sat alone in her car for an extra 3 minutes contemplating whether going to see her clearly grieving mother was the best thing to do.   perhaps this was an olive branch...

she swallowed bile once more.

departing her apartment at 1:20AM allowed her to reach king mansion around 1:40.   juliette,   having abandoned her own trust in her gut feelings   (   that was a skill saved only for crossfire   )   felt as though maybe she was overreacting when she pulled up the long   &   curved driveway.   her stomach had twisted in knots   &   her heartbeat reached a pace she hadn't even felt with a gun pressed to her abdomen.   something felt wrong without her even having the smallest piece of evidence to prove it.

the house had a way of communicating with her,   it always had:   perhaps that was why she never felt comfortable in its old walls.   it was always telling her this was going to happen...   what this was,   she didn't know growing up,   but she would:   shortly,   she would.

there was little hesitation once she put the car in park.   logic had won   &   she decided to take the front door   (   illuminated not by the usual extravagant light fixtures that highlighted the old brick walls in a warm glow,   but instead illuminated now by the thick glowing beams of the full moon   )   rather than the garage.   the garage,   while updated,   still creaked loud enough to warn anyone of her presence.

the door was unlocked,   something she was sure henry wouldn't allow on this day,   not on the 25th anniversary,   not while her mother still had nightmares of the day her father died.

it was quickly in this moment she wished she'd have a knife,   or her bow,   or even a gun to protect herself.   well trained in self defense,   whatever was happening   (   &   she knew something was   )   was personal.   so personal she felt trapped in the head of juliette king:   crossfire's intelligence nowhere to be found as she stepped through the dark archway into the pitch black,   cold home.

even with the denial of the importance of her own name,   juliette knew this house.   instinctually she reached to her left,   without even fiddling,   she flipped the light switch.

during holiday parties,   juliette would have been able to expect the staircase before her to be decorated in holly,   with poinsettias accentuating the dark,   nearly cherry,   wood.   during new years eve she would have expected drunk crowds of gotham's most elite to be adorning the stairs with the champagne flutes   &   loud piercing laughs.   during her childhood she would have simply expected the old creaking stairs that led upwards before splitting in two directions.   if she walked them,   she could go to her bedroom.

never could juliette have expected her mother splayed out as she was.   it could have been a gothic painting,   deep crimsons where footsteps once were,   skin peeling back to reveal the deepest insides of the woman she once called...

crossfire had seen a lot,   she was fine with it:   compartmentalization was key in keeping juliette one way   &   crossfire the other.   it worked,   it worked so well that she thought she could get away with it forever.   crossfire could have seen this,   juliette:   could not.   there were no coping skills in her repertoire   (   maybe there could have been,   were her mother's face so not plainly in sight,   white...   nearly purple even in the warm light of the entry way chandelier   ).

juliette king called gcpd at 1:45AM,   completely stoic,   no tears,   breath moving in   &   out of her lungs at such an uneven pace that she felt faint   &   had to lower herself to press her back to the door of her car.

jim g.ordon contacted the b.atman around 2:03AM   &   the two went to king mansion together.   luckily,   it had been an uneventful thursday   (   as if it were a gift from gotham,   saving up the tragedy for the kings,   as they deserved   ),   &   it didn't take long for them to arrive.

she had kept calling her brother,   to no response...   so she prayed to a god she didn't believe in,   prayed he was sleeping,   prayed he stepped out for a walk   &   would be back soon...   because he was supposed to be in the house,   he was in the house every year since their father died,   he comforted their mother every year while juliette moped in self pity.   he,   between the two of them   (   for all his faults   )   had to be alive.

so when the a member gcpd stepped out of the house around 2:10AM,   &   walked up to the ambulance that housed juliette   (   sat in the back wrapped in a blanket   )   &   said the words:   " i'm sorry,   we found your brother. "   it hit her.   there were no words for the loss of someone you weren't sure if you loved,   but you were supposed to.   mei xing was,   by blood,   her mother.   there were even less words for the loss of someone you loved deeply but hadn't spoken to in about a month.   never had juliette experienced such a thing,   never had she pictured that she would be in this state,   shaking as her birth self in the cold of the autumn nights.

crossfire could have done this,   she would have been fine...   but maybe a part of crossfire was in her when she stared at her mother's disfigurement,   because juliette had even calculated who did such a nasty thing. payback,   karma:   what difference did it make to r.oman sionis?

&   what karma it was   (   or maybe karma is just another word for guilt,   for blame,   for the sickening feeling that washed over juliette as she sobbed in the back of an ambulance as she realized her brother had died   ),   juliette king was the last king,   by blood.

the loneliness she had perpetuated in her own double life came to a crescendo so loud that her own screams made her ears ring.   loneliness was now objective,   not subjectively created.   loneliness was this,   loneliness had become juliette king.

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hi there! Was wondering if maybe you could help me out

Context: I'm the core of a mediple system (essentially, we're a median system, but my headmates are quite distinct). Aside from myself, there's three other members (plus several fragments but that's unrelated.)

A friend recently 'came out' to us as a system. We've been chatting about system stuff and we've met some of his alters! It's really nice to meet other plural folk irl

But now I have a... dilemma.

One of my headmates now has a crush on one of my friend's alters. He's *constantly* thinking about her and it's strange for me since I've never been attracted to my friend this way, and I'm still not.

Any similar experience? Advice? This is just strange for me and I don't really know how to handle it lol

Hi! Having a crush on someone else is pretty normal for those who experience romantic attraction, and this is also true for individual headmates and alters in systems! We’re dating the whole of our partner system, but each of us have unique relationships with the other members of our wife’s system.

Perhaps you could have a conversation with your headmate who has the crush, to see what their feelings mean, what they’d hope to gain from pursuing a relationship, and how one headmate entering a relationship with an alter in another system might affect both of y’all’s entire systems, not just the two members involved!

We’ve heard some advice from other folks with DID that it’s usually not a good idea for one headmate to enter a relationship with someone else without the rest of the system being involved or at least on board. And while you know yourself and your system, and ultimately can decide if this advice is true for you, we think it’s sound advice and have to agree! Our relationship with our wife (both the paromancer and her paros) would be strained and difficult to navigate if only one paro was on board with having a relationship with one alter in our system. It would likely lead to other members feeling hurt or uncared for, and may also give rise to tricky situations if, say, an alter in our system wanted to pursue a relationship with someone outside our wife’s body.

Of course, each system member can have different relationships with the different members of each other’s system! Our littles view our wife as a buddy and caregiver rather than a romantic partner. We have asexual/aromantic members who view our wife’s system as their dearest friends, and are able to foster positive connections without being romantically or sexually involved. In our experience, working together to get all of our headmates introduced and comfortable with each other really helped bring us closer together, even if we aren’t all 100% romantically interested in each other. For my system, it would not have worked out at all if, say, Cecil was the only one interested in our wife’s system - even more so if he was only interested in Nevetien (one of our wife’s paros). Our system and our wife’s system could not happily make a relationship work like this.

That’s not to say that your system wouldn’t have more success than ours in this regard! We’re sure there are plenty of headmates out there who have relationships with individual headmates in other systems without having the rest of the system involved. We’re just personally apprehensive to this sort of arrangement, and know that it would leave other members of our system feeling unloved and left out. So having open, honest discussions first within your own system, and then maybe with this other system, could help y’all get on the same page and spark a new, exciting, and positive relationship.

So sorry if this advice isn’t helpful or not what you’d like to hear! We know that relationships can be complicated and difficult to navigate enough for singlets, let alone systems trying to make a sys4sys relationship work! But we definitely believe it’s possible, and we wish your whole system and this particular headmate especially the very best in figuring this out!

🌸 Margo and 💫 Parker