#people say its bad for my health. i think they should mind their business. its MY body.

[mbat]

something i kinda realized earlier is like

i love barney guttman from dead end paranormal park for being like me. a fat jewish mlm trans man. and i love most of those parts of myself. but its the part about being fat that always gets me.

its something ive been dealing with lately, my relationship with my weight. i had like a whole epiphany a few months ago, but one moment of realization does not fully transform years and years of complicated and unwanted feelings. it helps, of course

anyway, i just had this thought of like... if i love him for being like me in these aspects, why cant i love myself the same way for all of those aspects? why is it different for me?

[slutofpsh]

f1 racer | psh.

part one

pairings: park sunghoon x reader

synopsis: f1 racer park sunghoon is the ace of their team until he got into a terrible accident causing of his sudden hiatus. the incident injured his shoulder and affected his mental health. you are hired by his mother to help him get through this tough times as you are one of the best psychiatrist in town. he hated the idea of being vulnerable so instinctively, he hates you. he hates how you try to get into his head for him to open up and he hates his parents for meddling with his life like he’s a kid. but he couldn’t deny that you are exceptionally beautiful and he can’t help his cock from twitching just by imagining pushing you down on your office table, fucking you deep and hard until you can’t think straight anymore.

wc: 14k

warnings: mdni. smut with slight plot, lots of dirty talking, degrading, corruption kink, minors dni, p into v raw (please always use protection), dom sunghoon, slight rough sex, reader experiencing sexual harassment. IF YOU DON’T LIKE ANY OF THIS PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SCROLL AWAY.

note: i have no right and enough knowledge with medical terms so disregard my claims as it came from my imagination to fit my plot. i’m new with writing smuts so please don’t give rude comments. i am still learning. also please send me asks and reblog my work. it will help a lot. thank you so much!

slutofpsh 2024 © all right reserved.

“Famous ace racer of the team (f1 team) reportedly caught on an accident last night. Medics who said to arrive at the scene says that he was in a bad condition...” the voice of the news reporter serves as your background music as you’re busy putting coffee on your brewing machine.

It was yet another busy monday for you. One of your colleagues gave you a ring moments ago just to ask you for a favor to fill in for her. You’re suppose to go at the hospital after lunch, but that plan was thrown far out the window.

Being someone who needs to pay expensive rent and lots of bills, you accepted it in exchange of receiving her full payment for these sessions.

People around you always says how workaholic you are and that you should at least learn to loosen up, have fun, date and have sex. You’ll be lying if you say those thoughts didn’t popped inside your mind once in a while, but you knew you have bigger responsibilities at the moment.

Maybe you’ll do all that once you’re a little bit more stable in life. Right now, its not the case so you have to go work.

The drive to the hospital you’re currently working at was short. Multiple vans of tv media reporters blocked the parking lot, putting you off into a slightly foul mood. You groaned and tried your best to find a good spot without scratching any of the vehicles around.

“What in the world is happening...” you softly mumbled, clueless.

After finally making it inside alive, you saw your secretary arriving just on time. She smiles and wave at the sight of you and head towards the elevator together. The sight of the security pushing the reporters out caught your attention before the door of the lift shuts completely.

“Wah, media these days are scary. How can celebrities stand them?” your secretary commented, probably annoyed by all the chaos at the lobby.

“Yeah, they’re basically getting crazy down there.”

She nods, agreeing.

“I can’t blame them. One of the biggest personality in our country got into an accident last night so they’re probably trying to get a scoop of information as much as they can.” she continuously fills you in.

Your head nods slowly, not totally interested about the ‘one of the biggest personality’ being mentioned. This hospital is pretty much located at the center of the big city and famous people often comes here. It isn’t a big deal anymore for you.

Besides, you're more interested on how you will make more money rather than be nosy of who’s confined at your hospital. The last thing you would want is to get involve with a big personality.

The day went on smoothly, met up with the clients scheduled for today. You started packing up after your last session, it was around 4pm. This is why you like to be busy, because its more convenient for you. Days pass by quickly and you’re off to your home even before you know it.

Three knocks from the door to your office is what snapped you back to reality. Your white coat hangs slightly loose over one of your shoulder as you’re about to take it off. The possiblity of that person knocking to be your secretary is low, since she usually alert you through the intercom that she will come in before knocking.

After taking off your coat, your eyes are still darted at the direction of your office door.

“Come in.” you softly stated and you heard the sound of the knob moving.

“I heard from the lobby that you are here so I thought I should make a visit.” his professional tone, yet a little softer rings to your head.

Your eyes grow a little out of surprise then you bowed your head for greeting. His eyes scanned you shortly before it moves around your cozy office. He already made multiple compliments on how your office just feels so warm and comforting.

That’s exactly the vibe you wanted to give off when you personally chose the furnitures and design for this room. Since you’re a psychiatrist who focused on patients who experienced traumatic incidents in their life, you don’t want the location of your sessions to have the impression of a workplace. Patients usually go here to meet you for sessions and their peace of mind and comfort is what you prioritize the most.

“Oh, thank you...” you flash him an awkward smile, hands rests at both of your sides.

It isn’t a surprise that your director paid you a visit for today. He always does that in order to keep on check with his employees. You appreciate it, truly. It's just he’s a little too friendly towards you. Sometimes it makes you uncomfy and afraid that other doctors may misunderstood things.

“Anyway, you must had a long day.” he took steps closer and when you’re reachable, he stretches an arm over you. His hand rests at your shoulder and he clapped on it gently before sliding it down your arm to caress it.

It sent shivers through your spine and you didn’t like it one bit. Unfortunately, you have no choice but to live through it for now. As he’s very powerful and one bad word from him and you can kiss your job goodbye. That’s the last thing you want.

“I should leave you.” he says in a low voice while eyes roams around your face.

You hated every second of it, but you didn’t say anything. He smiles and you flashed him one as well. He raised his hand and lightly pinched your cheeks once before exiting himself from your office.

Finally out of your sight, you manage to sigh heavily. You've been holding your breath ever since he entered your office. It’s slightly making you feel bad, but you feel like he will take advantage of you sooner or later. The feeling of uneasiness are very evident whenever he’s around you.

It’s bad to judge people easily, but that’s mainly it is. You’ve spent years studying and understanding human’s way of thinking. Resulting for your instincts around them to be heavily accurate most of the time.

And your instinct are setting off negatively with your director. The only solution you can think of is to quit this job after you have enough money to build your own small clinic.

In order to have that, you have to work extra hard. For your dream and for your peace of mind.

You finished packing your things and left your floor. While inside the elevator, it stops at a certain floor. You unconsciously moved towards the side giving whoever it is a space for the lift. When the door opened, a beautiful woman wearing black sexy dress steps in.

She seems surprised to see that there’s somebody inside and so her teary eyes grew a bit big. Avoiding to make the atmosphere even more awkward, you bowed and flashed her a warm smile. She nods and glanced away.

Based on how she carry and dress herself, you can tell that her line of work may have something to do with her face. Model? That’s one of your guesses.

By the short eye contact with her teary eyes, you catch a glimpse of guilt and small regret filling them. And also greed that’s trying to push them all at the back of her mind.

You tried to shove these thoughts off of your mind as you’re practically done with work. Even if you cannot help trying to read people’s personality base on first impression, you have strict rules of avoiding it once shift is over.

You’re the first one to leave the lift as you get off at the lobby where you entered this morning. Ignoring her eyes watching you closely as you walk off without sparing her any glance.

It was a long day for you and the last thing you want is to get involve with some drama. Obviously, she’s going through something. But what’s new to that? Everyone in this world is going through things. We just really have to keep it altogether and wait until things gets better for us.

It's been months and you put your focus on making money. Working really hard, filling in for your colleagues and also attending your own session. It was a routine you got used to, world revolving between home and to the hospital.

“There she is,” you bowed politely as you enter the office of your head doctor for the psychiatric ward.

Three heads snapped at your direction as you approach closer and the two of them are completely unfamiliar for you. By the way they dress, you can already tell that they’re important people. The type of people who reeks of money and connections.

“Mr and Mrs. Park, this is Doctor (surname).” your director introduced you to them. Even if you’re a little confused, you gave them a polite bow before sitting down at the chair in front of them.

“She’s the most recommended psychiatrist in our hospital and I really think she’s the one who can help your son.” the director added that made you realized that the two people in front are potention source of income.

With a warm welcoming smile, you pay close attention to the two of them to give good impression. Mr. Park have a serious look on his face, just a small smile from earlier and that’s all. Just by the looks of it, he’s a very reserved man. He seem to know the power he holds and so you guess he isn’t someone very friendly. Doesn’t really try hard to please other people.

Mrs. Park is elegant. The perfect epitome of graceful partner of somebody who holds so much power. She is very pretty as well, her smiles gives you the impression that she’s very family oriented.

“Their son needs assistance as he got involve with an accident months ago.” your head doctor tried to fill you up and instantly, you are on your professional mode.

With a nod, you smoothly fished your pen placed at the small pocket of your white gown then grabbed a paper not far away from you.

“Hmm, may I ask you guys a few questions?”

Mr. and Mrs. Park’s a little caught off-guard at how straightforward you are so they glanced over the head doctor. She quickly flashed them assuring smile.

“Go ahead, I’m sure Doctor (surname) perfectly knows what to do.” she added and with her words, they seem to let their guards down slightly.

“Yes, Doctor.” Mrs. Park says.

You smiled, “Does the patient personally asked to seek for professional help?”

Its a key point to know for you to know what kind of approach you need to utilize for this particular patient.

“No. Actually, he refused to see doctors and deny his need of it, claiming he’s perfectly fine. But me and his Father really wants him to atleast try.” the look on her eyes flashes genuine care and concern for her son.

“That’s totally okay, Mrs. Park. Sometimes, people who underwent accidents tries to deny that something changed within them when in reality there is. May I ask any behavioral changes within the patient, if there any?” and you continued jotting down on your paper.

Mr. Park silently watched how well you’re dealing with them. You looked so young, maybe around the age of their son and yet this is how professionally you handle things. His tensed shoulder relaxed a bit, realizing that they did the right choice of coming here.

“Yes...” Mrs. Park pursed her lips, blinks a couple of times trying not to get emotional just by the thought of her son.

“He shuts people out, doesn’t communicate with anybody and he gets pissed or annoyed so easily.” she sighs, eyes getting teary. “I mean, he doesn’t really have the best patience even prior to the accident but he’s just oddly cranky.”

You nodded your head and just proceeds on writing them down. This isn’t the first time you encountered patients that have the same personality with their son. This is what happens when someone had an accident that affected their life. They can be undergoing through post traumatic depression which is pretty serious as it can be dangerous.

“Can I schedule his sessions?”

They looked relieved at your question, happy that you agreed to take their son. Mrs. Park nodded her head and you continued on discussing them through the process of the sessions, letting them the available slots they can arrange for their son.

Normally, you would take patients to meet patients two times a week but they demand for a three meetings per week. You are a little hesitant about it because that only means you have to put him on Fridays as well. It's your day off.

“Please, Doctor. We will pay extra for the friday sessions.” and there it is. They offered you what you couldn’t decline the most.

Oh how nice could it be to have so much money. After finally settling with the Parks, you managed to agree on the schedules and they thanked you. They told you that they really hope you can help their son. You haven’t met him yet and one rule with doctors is you couldn’t give them false hope, but you shouldn’t give them the impression of failing as well.

“I will do my best.” and you bowed.

You parted ways with them and you went straight to your shared room with your colleague, also a good friend of yours. The moment you stepped in, you can feel her piercing and curious eyes following you.

“So did you accept it?” your head cranes over to the side to glance at Hana. She’s still wearing her white coat while she rest her back at the swivel chair. As far as you remember, her shift is over already. Why she’s still here is a big mystery for you.

“Yes. It’s a good offer.” you gave her a short shoulder shrug.

She sighs and watch how you took off your white coat then hangs it on your chair. Obviously, you are clueless of the situation you just got yourself into. She hates how workaholic you are and how you’re one of the best psychiatrist in the hospital. Mainly why you’re at the top list of the recommended doctors.

Not that she envy you or anything. She genuinely cares for you and she’s worried of how you’re overworking yourself. Not to mention you’ll be having someone very important as your client.

“Do you know who’s going to be your patient?” her tone sounded challenging, arms crossing as she waits for your answer.

You nod your head, eye glancing at the folder laid beside your keyboard. It was handed by your secretary while you discuss something with the head doctor. She reminded you to do a good job as accepting the Park’s can either do good or bad for you.

“Yes. Mr. Park Sunghoon.” you said in a monotonous tone.

She rolls her eyes, “He’s not just Park Sunghoon, y/n.” she sighs and tilts her head. “He’s the ace driver of a famour F1 team. The young bachelor who got into a terrible accident three months ago.”

That clearly rings a bell. You can remember how some of the hospital staffs are going crazy for such individual. F1 racers are truly a big thing for your country, but you’re never interested towards it so don’t have any clue who they are.

You’ve always thought that those type of sport are just out of your league. If he manages to drive for the whole country with extremely expensive cars just indicates how wealthy their family is. Sounds like so much drama for you. Not totally your cup of tea, all you want is the good pay.

“Don’t worry, I can handle.” you assured her.

“I know you’re good with your job, y/n and I have no doubt with your skills.” she starts that slightly moved you. She rarely talks like this and to hear it right now means she’s really serious about it.

“He’s known for being very stubborn. If he’s already like that before the accident, imagine how he can be much worst after it. I heard he’s refusing to do rehab for his shoulder and to drive again for his team.”

You are dumbfounded for the new informations coming from your friend. When his parents seeked for your help, you already knew that it is serious. But not like this. He’s refusing to drive again?

“y/n?” your friend tries to snap you back to reality.

You let out a sigh and flashes another smile for her. “Did you forget? I’m good with stubborn people. I've been dealing with them ever since I graduated from the University.” you tried to joke on it.

She pouts her lips and heaved a sigh, thinking that maybe she really is just overthinking things. She nods.

“Well, you are right. And besides, he’s dead gorgeous.” then she sent you a wink. You scoffed and rolled your eyes.

“You’re unbelievable.”

But it seems like she was not kidding when she said that Park Sunghoon is very hard headed. You think little of it not until you came face to face with the handsome racer.

His visuals are ethereal. No words can perfectly describe how breathtaking he is up in person. Of course, after your friend had informed you that he is handsome, you made research. Trying to just familiarize yourself with your newly acquired client.

It wasn’t hard to find something about him through the internet as he’s very famous. Skin so white and flawless, hair pitch black along with his thick brows and long eyelashes that perfectly decorates around his beautiful eyes. His eyes are slightly cold and blank at the pictures of him you found at the intenet. Over all, he has a face that comes around once in a while. God-like visuals, that’s how they describe him.

The pictures didn’t give him justice though, as he’s even more gorgeous in personal. His red lips pretty much stands out due to his pale complexion.

There are varieties of patients you’ve worked with before. The group who's willingly seek for your help in order for them to get better. Then the patients who was forced to do these sessions for the satisfaction of a family member or a loved one. And then the ones who truly hates it and give you hard time, punishing you for merely wanting to help them professionally.

That’s where Park Sunghoon is aligned. He made sure you perfectly know that he’s against with this arrangement.

“Son, meet Doctor (surname). She’s the one we’re talking about with you. From now on, you will meet her at Mondays—”

“Make her leave.” he insolently cuts his own mother’s words while staring blankly straight at you.

He’s sat down at his sofa, one shoulder have a cast over it. He didn’t even budge from his position and just stares at you with his intimidating eyes. The gray sofa looked a little small while he dominates it. You’re pretty sure that it looked normal when it was his Mom whose sitting there moments ago, but when it was him it looked small due to his large frame.

“Sunghoon, don’t be rude. Doctor (surname) is here to help you.” his Mom looks like she feels sorry for how he’s acting, yet her tone remained soft.

“I don’t need any help.” he said sternly. His eyes are piercing right at you. They are indeed intimidating with his eyebrows furrowed hardly, but this isn’t the first time someone wanted you to leave.

“But Son,” Mrs. Park tries to console him but you interrupted her.

“It’s fine, Mrs. Park.” and you flash her with your warm smile.

“Can you give us a minute?” your eyes then roamed around the room. There’s his Mom and another person inside together with you. She’s the househelper who assist Mr. Park from time to time. A little older than his Mother. Base on your observation, he seems to trust her enough to be inside this room.

“Sure, doctor.” she says and gradually asked the other lady to leave with her.

Sunghoon’s eyes burns at you as you stood in front of him. He didn’t say anything else after they left the room, he just stares at you with dark eyes. He’s so upset and angry for how his parents are dealing with this situation right now. They’re being too much for meddling with their son’s life when he’s already 27.

“Hello, Mr. Park.” you greeted him once again. As expected, he showed no reaction at all.

“I’m Doctor (surname) and I am here to help you—”

“I don’t need your help so leave. I am not crazy.” he cuts you off.

You pursed your lips and nods your head before pulling up another smile. His behavior of declining anyone clearly shows how he doesn’t want to show his vulnerability.

“Of course you’re not. Everybody knows you are not crazy, Mr. Park.” his eyes still bores right at you.

“Your parents hired me so I can help to understand your emotions even more.”

The corner of his lips lifts up as he scoffed, “You think I don’t know my own emotions?”

You shook your head right away, “No. Nobody else knows you the best other than yourself. I’m just here to assist and help you go through emotions you cannot control or understand.”

Sunghoon’s tensed shoulder slightly relaxed at what he heard. He doesn’t know if all psychiatrist are like this, but you sure are good with your job. You know your way of words to people. Or was it just because of your pretty face? Was he distracted a bit too much? Did you noticed?

He draws in a strained sigh and glanced away, letting his guard down a bit. It made you feel happy and take it as a sign that he wanted you to help him. For that session, you tried hard not to overwhelm him too much so instead of asking questions, you orient him about the case he’s possibly going through.

But that didn’t really became easy. He made sure you’re struggling on dealing with him. There’s often change of moods as well, sometimes he’s calm to have you around and sometimes he’s not. He rudely interrupts you talking and constantly asking you to just quit your job and leave him alone.

But he cannot do anything about it. He cannot fire you, because he didn’t hire you on the first place.

It was his Mother who asked for your professional help, so if there’s someone who can tell you that you’re not qualified for the job already, it would be only her.

“Hello y/n!” Hana greets you happily as she enter the room. It was obvious that she’s having a great day, unlike you.

“Hi,” you shortly replied and sat down at your chair.

“Looks like you aren’t in a good mood.” she states the obvious. You gave her a short nod and shut your eyes.

“Why? Did something happen?” she sounded so concerned about you and even walked closer to sit at the table near you.

“Nothing. I have an appointment with Park Sunghoon tomorrow. It should’ve been my day off and now I have to meet with him. He’s still being stubborn.”

It’s been a month ever since you started your sessions with him and still, nothing. He’s been giving you cold shoulders everytime, refusing to even open himself over you. Multiple approach already tried for him and yet, nothing. It’s frustrating you already.

“I know exactly what you need to do.” the brightness from Hana’s eyes gave you slight hope, making you sit straight.

She rummage over her stacks of unopenef parcels and cheered lightly after successfully finding something. She smirks and slowly walks towards you.

“What’s that?” you asked curious and confused.

She smirks and grabbed a cutter to open it up. From a distance, you can tell its a piece of clothing. She squealed a little, delighted of satisfaction for the package received.

“You’re going to wear this tomorrow.” she announced and even placed the opened box at your lap.

You tilt your head, confused. “What? Why? Do I not look good with my work clothes?”

That’s not the case. Your typical work clothes looks fine. The type of style that plays safe not to show too much skin and also not too covered for your liking. It was so-so.

“No, honey. But this time, that’s what you’ll wear tomorrow and then we will buy more at Saturday.” she announced with words of finality.

You gave her a weird gaze before checking the box she just handed you. Your heart dropped at the sight of it.

“No way! There’s no way I will wear this, Hana!” you quickly disagree and teared your gaze off the outfit she just handed you.

“Yes way! It’s time to put that sexy body into a good use!” she exclaimed all excited and even giggled hilariously.

“But my butt cheeks will probably show just by leaning down slightly.” the look of horror flashes over your face. Just by the thought of being exposed to Mr. Park makes you blush intensely, your core undeniably getting wet.

You shoved that thought away, somewhat blaming Hana for putting them inside your mind. She’s being a bad influence towards you right now and your face is red as a tomato.

“Then he will enjoy the view!” she winks and left you with no choice but to wear it for tomorrow's session.

Thankfully, the moment you arrived at his place the next day you are wearing a coat on top of your scandalous (not really) outfit. Okay, maybe you are a little exaggerating for thinking it is scandalous. You’ve seen a lot of people wear this kinds of workclothes, its just you’re new to this. This isn’t your usual go to office clothes.

You tried your best to act confidently, trying to ignore the fact that his gaze was practically glued at you the moment you took off your coat once you two are left alone.

You’re nervous already and having him stare at you that way makes it even worst. Regardless, you tried to proceed on your task for today.

Park Sunghoon may act nonchalant about it, but his pants feels so painfully tight ever since you walked inside his home. An hour long duration felt days for him. Those short skirts and body hugging top that perfectly shows your delicious curves is driving him insane.

Despite the fact that he hates your presence and how his parents hired you to help him, he’ll be lying if he will say that he never thought of rutting his cock so deep inside your precious cunt. He bet it will feel so good. Numerous times he imagined pushing you hardly over your office table, taking you from behind while your soft moans make it to his ears. He imagined fucking you so hard and deep until you cannot think straight anymore.

You on the other hand are sweating like crazy while trying to compose yourself, unaware of the sinful thoughts the man in front of you are currently having. You keep on shifting on your seat, uncomfortable with how your skirt is so tight and short. Thighs are basically suowing and by just one wrong move, you’re pretty sure your underwear will be flashed towards him.

“Something wrong, Doc?” you jolted at his sudden question, breaking the defeaning silence. It was his first words for today.

His playful tone and look on his eyes are quite foreign for you, a little delighted by the new side you discovered from him.

“N-Nothing.” your words almost came out as a mumble that made him chuckle dangerously.

To see you with less clothing sure is torture for him, to see you blushing and squirming nonstop while your underwear almost flash him is clouding his mind with so many thoughts. All dark and dirty.

“You dressed differently today.” he said in a low tone, almost like a growl. The statement halts your hand from scribbling down your paper. You glanced at him and quickly looked away as he was already staring darkly.

You gulped in attempt to get rid of the lump between your throat. The corner of his lips lifts while one of his hands plays mindlessly at it.

“Y-Yeah.” it was obvious for you to deny it.

“What are you trying to do, Doc?” he asks like a trap and once again you are caught off guard.

“I d-don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He scoffed sexily and let out a heavy sigh, “Of course you don’t.” then his eyes roams from your feet up to your face and his heated gaze stays at your eyes.

“You fucking don’t know what you are doing.” he said under his breath that you clearly missed. Even before you manage to compose yourself from his stares, he already glanced away then his walls are once again up guarding himself.

The whole session continues with you uncomfortably wet down there and Sunghoon’s dick throbbing inside his pants.

A whole week passes by and all you did was to tempt him. You started wearing tight and short clothes. Whether on purpose or not, it is driving him crazy. The sexual tension between the two of you are so hot. Too hot that whenever you are left alone, it can almost burn you two.

He knew he had to something about it. He can’t get enough of you and his palm cannot satisfy him anymore. He had to get a taste of that pussy or else he will really lose his mind.

It was wednesday and like usual, he’s the one to that have to go to your office. Mondays and friday sessions are held at his place.

He arrived perfectly on time and your assistant guided him inside after your patient before him. It was a guy and the way his face are so red when he walks out is pissing the hell off of Sunghoon. He knew why he’s like that and he confirmed his guess when he saw you with his own eyes.

Wearing a short tight red skirt. You flashed him an angelic smile that seems illegal for how slutty you dress today.

“Mr. Park, you are right on time. Have a sit.” you pointed the sofa where he usually sits and he followed without a single word.

‘I’ll have a sit and you sit on my face right after. How about that?’ he wanted so bad to say that but he refrain himself.

Sunghoon’s eyes dangerously fiest on you while you make yourself comfortable at your chair. The only thing that seperates you between him was the small center table.

“Today, I want to have a conversation with you Mr. Park. Nothing too serious, any topic you like. I just want you to talk.” you stated and smiled at him.

He nods, surprising you a little. He’s never been this cooperative. It’s making you happy and at the same time worried on why he’s suddenly being obedient.

“Any topic, right?” he asks, confirming it from you. A small nod is what you respond to him.

He nods and stayed silent for a while. You thought it was giving him pressure so you assured him that its totally fine and he can take as much time he needs.

While he spaces out, your eyes couldn’t help but to absorb how he looks today.

Park Sunghoon is a walking temptation for you. It was against your rules to be attracted towards your patients, but you just couldn’t help yourself. He’s very handsome despite his rotten attitude. You kept having this sensual thoughts whenever he’s around. It felt so wrong and illegal. How you felt so weak and how you get wet just by looking at his toned arms and veiny hands.

“Do you know who I am? Is that why you accepted to be my psychiatrist?”

You pout your lips and shook your head side to side, cheeks blushing out of embarrasment because you have no idea of who he was until his parents asked you for help.

Instead of looking offended, Sunghoon looked more interested.

“So you don’t have any idea who I was before you accepted this job?” amusment lurks over his tone, finding it somehow amusing.

Not to sound so full of himself, but he’s pretty famous. Not only to his home country, but to the whole world. The bitterness slowly creeps over his chest by the thought of it. He shoves it off his mind because that’s not important as of the moment.

You nod your head sincerely while eyes darted straight at the handsome man sat across of you. His long legs are spread while one of his arm rests at the side of the couch, the other arm on a cast. It was the one that got injured and he needed it to be casted from time to time. He’s once again making the regular size couch look small because of his tall frame.

“You live under a rock or something?” his tone taunting.

You didn’t let it get to you then just flash him a small smile. “I was busy studying.”

He pursed his lips downwards while nodding his head slowly. His brow arches attractively before he smirks again.

“Oh, right. Miss Valedictorian have no time to fool around.” he said it with so much sarcasm and sighs right after. His gaze turned slightly dark while thinking about something. To what it is, you have no idea. He was hard to read after-all.

“Let me just ask you something, Dr.” he starts. Just by the way he’s looking at you, you can already tell he’s up to no good.

You gulped, trying to get a hold of your thoughts and keep a firm look on your face. The last thing you would want is too look weak in front of him. He’ll eat you alive if you let him overpower you.

“Go ahead, Mr. Park.” you tried to sound so casual. A doctor interviewing her patient. Not crossing any line, keeping a safe distant from him.

“Are you still a virgin?” his bold question completely caught you off-guard. Your breath hitches as blood rushes over your face, blushing hard.

“E-Excuse me?” the flustered look on your face made his grin wider.

Just seeing your innocent eyes opens wider after that question was priceless. He couldn’t get enough of you. Dark thoughts occupies his mind, how you will be so perfect for him. How fun would it be corrupting the fuck out of you.

“I forbid you from asking personal questions. This has nothing to do with your sessions.” and you cleared your throat then teared your eyes off of him.

He tilts his head, “Don’t you think you’re being unfair? You ask me personal questions too.”

Your lips hangs open, ready to answer him. Sunghoon’s brows arched as he waits for what you’re about to say.

“T-That’s different. You are my patient and you—”

“How am I suppose to trust you when I know nothing about you?” his words stunned you. Truly he makes a point. In order for your patient to be confident enough to share their thoughts to you, you need to earn their trust.

How are you suppose to gain his trust when he knows nothing about you? But why does it have to be your sex life? You can share anything else, not that one.

“Then ask something else.”

He shook his head with a teasing grin. “That’s what I want to know the most.”

You stared at him straight to his eyes, silently asking him if he’s being serious about it. He didn’t budge and just stared back, piercing through your soul. You let out a strained sigh as an act of surrender before resting your back at your chair.

“Y-Yes.” you gulped, trying to get rid of the lump between your throat. The amount of embarrasment you are having right now is incomparable to anything else. You’ve never been humiliated like this.

A spark lights upon his pretty eyes, his thick pretty brows raising in amusement. He chuckles and you quickly glanced away, couldn’t take it.

“I did expect you to say yes, but to actually know it is still surprising.” he stated.

You nibbled over your lower lip then dropped your eyes at the clipboard you are holding. The paper clipped to it was almost blank, nothing else was written as he’s not cooperating as usual. But in comparison from your previous meetings, he’s more talkative as of the moment.

“So tell me, why?” he asks in full curiosity. You glanced at him with a furrowed brows, confused as to what’s he’s talking about.

“Does no one wants you? Nobody tried to— ah no, that’s impossible right? I bet a lot had tried before but they just miserably failed.” the corner of his mouth lifts as he racked his eyes from your eyes down to your feet, licking and nibbling over his lips through the process. It was almost like he’s undressing you inside his mind.

The sight itself was enough to make you feel horny, the space between your thighs slowly getting wet. It was sinful and becoming unbearable for you. The temperature of the room surprisingly became hotter because of the man in front of you.

If you’re slowly losing your mind, Sunghoon had gone crazy in his own thoughts. After hearing it from you, he lost it. The thought of how pure and innocent you are just makes him dizzy and very horny. He can think of the most awful and darkest thoughts he wants to do to corrupt you. Make you his cum dump and a slave to of his cock. It makes him riled up.

Sunghoon curses inside his mind feeling his cock getting painfully hard.

Your eyes unconsciously darted over the wall clock and a part of you cheers that finally it was times up for his session.

“O-Our session is over, Mr. Park.” you forced yourself up, thighs rubbing each other and the heat coming out from your core makes it so bothering.

You didn’t wait for Sunghoon to speak and just stood up then walk towards your table, starting to rummage over nothing. Continuously touching and arranging things that doesn’t necessarily messy.

The couch made a sound when he stood up and you can feel your heart thumping so hard as you wait for him to talk.

Instead of hearing his voice, you heard him carefully walking near you. It halts your movement and your chest rises up and down. Your breath hitched as you feel his presence looming behind him, his tall figure approaching closer.

He stopped a step behind you. The sexual tension between the two of you is sky rocket, making you feel slightly suffocated. Sunghoon raises his free arm to reach over your waist.

The moment his big hand touched you, it was over for you. The wall you tried to barricade yourself in, crumbling down.

Sunghoon inched closer pressing his hot body at your back. Your scent made its way over his nose and he nibbled his lips at how good you smell.

“We shouldn’t really—” your words hangs as his action caught you off guard.

He dipped his head down, face dangerously burying your neck. His sinful hot lips places feathery kisses over it. Your hand clenched into fists, trying hard not to make any sound or let out a moan that can surely please him.

“Mr. Park,” you tried hard to face him, hand rests over his uninjured shoulder to push him away.

The difference between your physique clearly made it obvious how your strength would not even match his and so to see him not budging from his position isn’t really surprising.

He smirks, finding you adorable while blushing so hard. His effect on you visible and he’s loving it so much. He pressed himself again and this time it’s even more dangerous as you are face to face with each other.

You can now see his ethereal visuals, his thick dark brows, eyes surrounded by thick long lashes, nose pointy with a noticeable beauty mark on it and his pretty lips. He smirks, running his tongue once over them before nibbling over his lower lip showing you his fangs.

“Just like what you always tell me...” he murmured, lips inches away from yours.

Your heart almost burst out from your chest because of the intensity he's making you feel. The urge of giving in and kissing him plays inside your head dangerously clouding your senses.

“Cooperate.” his grip over your waist tightens as he leans even closer.

The last string of resistance prevents you from kissing him on his lips, leaning away when he inched closer. His eyes lifts from your lips, to your eyes. You can see how his eyes are clouded with nothing but lust.

“Think about it, Doctor. If we both cooperate in here, we’ll get what we wants the most. It’s a win win situation.” and he tugs you closer to him making you feel his erection from his pants. So hard and its making you dizzy how he rubs it

His head leans at the side, his lips grazing slightly to bite your earlobe teasingly. It makes you feel ticklish and lightheaded.

“You, getting inside of my mind and me getting inside of you.” he seductively whispered over your ears, hot breath fanning your neck that made the hairs stands up.

Your knees weakened and he hold your waist tighter to prevent you from collapsing down the cold floor.

The intercom to your office rings and it made you jolt. Sunghoon chuckles at how adorable you are for getting surprise by small sounds.

“Doctor, I would like to remind you that your session with Mr. Park is now over. The next client just arrived.” your assistant just announced.

A heavy and disappointed sigh slips off from Sunghoon’s mouth before he moves away from you. His hands ripped away from you and the sudden lose contact made you slightly feel empty, hand gripping the table hardly to keep balance.

He noticed it and he grinned widely. He sighs and felt slightly annoyed that the fun has to be interrupted.

“I should go. You seem to have a busy day.” he turns his heels and started heading towards the door, like as if he didn’t just pulled that stunt.

Just in time, your secretary opened the door and Sunghoon glanced at you for the last time, flashing you a very meaningful smile.

“I really enjoyed this session, Doctor. I’ll see you on friday.” and he sent a wink before finally leaving you a whole mess, the space between your thighs dripping wet wanting nothing but to feel more of him.

After what Park Sunghoon just pulled at your office, you gave it a lot of thought. He was too tempting, but something in you feels warry of the idea. He’s seriously like a wolf hunting on an innocent sheep. It was too much for you so you skipped two of your sessions. Friday and monday, sending Hana instead and making excuses that you’re outside the country for some seminar.

“Finally showing up, huh?” his dangerous tone errupts from the entrance of your office, making you jolt.

Your back was facing the direction of the door and so you have no idea how he looks right now. Gulping, you slowly turns to face him and you saw him shutting the door close. The sound of the lock clicking made your heart thump faster.

“I’m sorry, I was in a seminar. I did sent Dr. Kang in replacement for me.”

The look on his eyes tells you that there’s no slight chance that he’s buying it. And he’s pissed at you for actually thinking you can get away from him.

“P-Please have a sit.” you stutter because you have no idea of how to bring up what he just said the last time you two saw each other.

“Have you decided about what I told you?” a part of you felt relieved that he’s the one who brought it up, the other part is nervous because you have no idea what to tell him.

Your mind kept telling you no, but your core had another idea. Clearly, you want him. You want him so bad.

“A-Are you sure you will cooperate with the sessions if I give you what you want?” your tone sounded anxious and so soft.

Sunghoon’s eyes grew darker while he stares at you, legs spread so wide while he dominates your couch. He heaved a sigh, calming himself not to get so excited and scare you off with his dark plans of corrupting the shit out of you.

“Yes. I am a man of my words after-all.” he states and licked his lips.

You stared right at his eyes with your innocent looking eyes. A big grin spreads across his face the moment you nod your head, falling for his evil trap.

It felt really awkward after that and you’re just standing right there like as if waiting for what he’s going to say next.

“What s-should I do?” you asked timidly, fingers fidgetting carefully and nervously.

Sunghoon took time admiring how beautiful you look in front of him. Standing like a helpless prey, submitting to her predator. Her hungry and very horny predator.

He smiles and bit his lower lip, showing off his fangs like teeth towards you. It sends shivers on your spine, down to your core making it even more wet.

Sunghoon scoots over to the side of the couch, leaving enough space.

“Come sit here.” he ordered with his husky voice.

Your knees felt weak and your feet are stoned at your position, heart thumping so loudly inside your chest that it hurts a little.

“Don’t be scared. I don’t bite,” he scoffs. “at least not yet.” and he grinned at you.

With all your strength, you struts towards him and sat at the space beside him. To be this close to him is dangerous for you. You feel so hot, like going insane hot.

Sunghoon leans in towards your face and you instinctively moves back a little. His dark eyes moved from looking at your lips up to your eyes, silently warning you not to do that again. His hand raised and cupped your face to keep you in place. His hand so big and having it harshly holding you with so much dominance turned you on.

When his lips touches yours, you are lost. It started slow and gentle, then he started to kiss you hungrily like he’s been starved from your kisses. You shut your eyes and hand grip over his polo shirt for support as you can feel yourself losing into his touch.

Your head fuzzy at the taste of Sunghoon. A little bit of mint and sweetness. His kisses hot and messy as his tongue pushes your mouth open so he can taste your insides shamelessly.

He pulled away when you two are already out of breaths, biting your lower lip as he did so. His eyes half-lidded and clouded with nothing but lust. He looked so damn sexy.

“You taste so sweet.” he whispered near your lips, eyes darted straight at yours.

His gaze heated and so is his touch. You can feel his large hands roaming dangerously below you. His eyes serves as a distraction so it was too late before you even realize that he already pushed your skirt up, hands reaching over your clothed core. His hand expertly parting your legs for better access.

“Mr. Park—” your words cut when he placed a wet kiss on your lips.

“Call me Sunghoon.” you gulped and felt so flushed because of his fingers now playing with your core. The only thing that keeping him from touching it bare was your underwear. It was torture for you. A bit embarrased too as this is the first time someone had touched you this much.

“Already so fucking wet for me. That’s all for me, right?” he glanced back at your eyes, waiting for an answer.

Because of the overwhelming pleasure, all you did was nod your head, trapping your lower lip between your teeth.

“Words. I need words, baby.” he whispered, the sudden endearment adding to the sensation he’s making you feel at the moment.

“Y-Yes.”

“Yes what?” he asked, a bit impatient.

You whimpered when you felt him rubbing roughly at your wet core, “Yes I’m so w-wet for you.”

That sends a different kind of satisfaction towards Sunghoon. To hear you say those words just made his cock even harder. He never felt aroused just by hearing them dirty talk. This is the first time. You’re the only one who did it to him.

“I want to taste you. I bet you taste so fucking sweet.” he mumbled and you opened your eyes at what he just said, taken aback at what he’s planning to do.

“But—” he placed a kiss at your lips then kneeled beside the couch, just so he can be face to face to your heated core.

You closed your legs in attempt to hide yourself from him, but he firmly gripped your thighs pushing them back open. He shoot you blank stares.

“Hold your legs for me. Keep them wide open.” he ordered and your eyes unconsciously darted at his broad shoulders, taking notice at the cast over it.

“W-What about your shoulder?” you worriedly ask.

Sunghoon almost lose his mind at how soft and gentle your voice are. More importantly that you still have the time to think of his shoulder when you’re almost half naked in front of him.

“I’m fine.” he quickly dismissed it and placed his big hands at your thighs, supporting it so it won’t close.

Your legs are slowly moving closer, maybe out of embarrasment now that he can see your underwear fully and the wet spot in the middle of it.

One of his hand reaches over your underwear, but you stopped him.

“S-Sunghoon, I’m shy.” you admit, blood rushing towards your cheeks.

The corner of his lips lifts up at the sight of your innocent eyes watching him beneath you. The look of embarrasment and probably being neglected from orgasm painted frustration over your pretty face. He cannot explain it exactly, but it turns him on.

“It’s okay. You’re okay.” despite the look of lust over his eyes, his tone is surprisingly gentle.

“Can I take this off now?” he asks and while staring at his eyes, you had no choice but to nod your head.

He didn’t waste any second and removed your underwear, revealing your wet pussy. The sight itself was enough to leave him salivating. Sunghoon gulps and then dips his head giving one long lick to your core, juices wrapping his own tongue.

“God,” you mumble at the feeling of his hot tongue grazing your folds.

“Taste so fucking good.” he grunted and started lapping your pussy like a hungry animal. He kissed, he ate and even fuck your hole using his tongue, hardening it so you can feel him enough.

“Ngh,” you sound so dumb trying to contain your moan, afraid that your secretary from outside can hear you.

Sunghoon smirks and lifts his gaze to look at you enjoying the time of pussy being eaten. He never seen you like this before, he never thought you can even moan this erotic.

“Let me stretch you a bit, baby.” and he pulls away then spit at your hole.

“Open your eyes.” he says that made you slowly oblige. The first thing you saw was his sexy smirk, eyes so dark.

He raised his hand and while staring at your eyes, he slowly slid one of his long fingers inside you.

“Hmm, w-wait.” one of your hand lets go from your thighs so you can cover your mouth.

He chuckled, “Haha! Too much? It’s just one finger. How are you gonna take me if you’re already struggling with this?” he taunts and starts pumping it in and out, stretching you.

“You look so pretty like this, y/n. So damn pretty.” he mumbled and kissed your inner thighs while still fucking his finger knuckle deep in you.

“I think I can already add another one.” he says and you hitched your breath as you watch closely, anticipating the stretch and slight sting from it.

Sunghoon loves how obedient you are and how you just lets him do what he wants towards you. This is the first time you’ll ever experienced fingered other than your own fingers so he knew he needed to make it memorable. He added another finger and started pumping.

“Ugh, oh my gosh.” you moaned, gripping over wherever you can reach.

He kept repeating it until you can feel a knot forming your stomach, a hand clasp over his arm. “S-Sunghoon, I’m going to cum.”

His eyes sparkled, “Oh yeah? Give it to me.” he says like a challenge and continued pumping, dipping his head close to your core. He opens his mouth and placed his tongue near your hole, waiting for your sweet juice. The sight itself made you cum easily, moaning so hard and shaking a little.

“Good girl, cum so sweet.” he praised and suck your clit for any remnants of your orgasm.

You are catching your breath and he’s still pumping his fingers inside you, riding your high.

“How does that feel?”

“G-Good.”

“Then let’s do it again.”

Despite feeling drained out of energy, you looked at him with a bit of hesitation. “W-What?”

“Let me add another finger, pretty. Hold on.” and pushes your body to lay back down your previous position.

You whimpered at the amount of stretch his three fingers are giving you. This is the biggest you ever had.

“Pussy so tight. I bet we will have a hard time making my fat cock fit inside you.” his words’ making your head all fuzzy.

“Say it.” he said while staring at your eyes.

You looked at him confuse, clueless of what he’s talking about.

“W-What?”

“Say your pussy is so tight for me.”

Your cheeks flushed at how dirty those words are. You rarely cursed and never once did mutter this type of words, having him make you say this is making you feel so riled up.

“Say it, y/n. Or I’ll stop,” he shamelessly pulls his fingers out of your hole and instantly you felt empty, the other orgasm disappearing into thin air.

“S-Sunghoon,” you said a little frustrated.

“Say it.” his eyes so dark while it burn towards you.

“M-My pussy is so tight for y-you.”

Sunghoon slid his fingers right back after hearing you dirty talking. It back fired tho, as he can feel his dick throbbing painfuly inside his pants, head leaking with so much precum.

“Ah fuck, this won’t work.”

His eyes turned darker and he pulls his fingers off, making you look at him in confusion. He licked your juices on his digits before he stood back up. Your eyes grew big when you saw him unzipping his pants.

“W-What...” you are lost of words when you saw his erect cock, slapping his stomach after he took off his briefs. It is big and now you can definitely agree when he wonders how you will be able to fit him inside you.

Your face turned pale, a little scared of how painful would it be.

“S-Sunghoon, I don’t think I can—” he leans down and kissed you over your lips.

“Just the tip, baby. I promise.” he stroke his manhood and slowly near it to your entrance.

“Fuck,” he groaned when he managed to put his pulsating tip inside your hole. The stretch from a while ago did help, but only because its just his head. It stings a little, but the pleasure is unmeasurable.

“Oh God,” you mumble when he starts to pull in and out his tip.

“Keep steady for me.” and he started to keep his pace, pleasure overwhelming the two of you.

His eyes are fixed right at your pussy barely taking his tip inside. It was making him crazy.

“I’m close, Sunghoon!”

His brows narrowed and he bit his lower lip, stroking the length that doesn’t go inside you to catch your orgasm.

“Me too, fuck. Cum with me.” and after a few more thrust, you coat his head with your cum and afterwards he pulls out, spilling his outside your pussy.

You’re both a panting mess after and now that the lust is slowly withdrawing, your starting to feel shy again. He noticed it and smirks before leaning in for a kiss on your lips.

“You did so well for me.” he praised that made your cheeks flushed even more.

You pursed your lips into a pout and glanced away, eyes dropping at your exposed core.

“You got it on my skirt.” you rant cutely that made him chuckle.

“I’ll just buy you a new one.”

Friday came faster than you expected, or maybe you’re just really looking forward on seeing Park Sunghoon once again. You parked right at his mansion and knocked on his door.

Surprisingly, Sunghoon opened the door for you. Brows hardly furrowed.

“Hi,” you greeted with a smile and blushing cheeks.

He opens his door even wider for you, “You’re late.” he sounds like he’s sulking so you chuckle a little walking pass by him. Sunghoon managed to inhale your sweet scent and he’s already feeling aroused by it.

“I stopped by at a famous bakery since you mentioned yesterday that you love bread.” and you raised the plastic containing the bread you are talking about.

When you glance at him, he was already sat down at his couch. A ghost of smile spread across his face before he gestures you to come to him. You rest your things at the table and slowly walk near him.

He reached over your hand then guided you carefully to sit over his lap, arms wrapping around your waist.

“You look beautiful today.” he compliments that tugged your heart.

“Is that why you’re hard as rock right now?” you teased and rolled your eyes at him.

He smirks, “I can’t help it.” he mumbles then showers your shoulders and neck with feathery kisses.

You shut your eyes and your hold over his arm tightens. He kissed your neck and sucked at the skin so hard you’re sure it will bruise.

“Ride me.” he commands that made you open your eyes.

The look of lust over his eyes tells you that he isn’t kidding at all. After letting out a nervous sigh, you straddle over him your clothed core perfectly aligned at his erection. The sensation of having it rub as you position yourself on top of him is making you crazy.

Sunghoon’s big hands rests at your hips, eyeing you dangerously. Watching how your face contorts at pleasure as your privates rubs at one another. He can only curse inside his mind how the sight of you humping your wet core to him is so arousing.

“Sunghoon,” you moaned that snap him out of trance.

“Yeah?” and he leaned closer kissing your chin.

“Can I suck you?”

His eyes darken at your question. He was indeed planning to make you suck his cock, but he never thought you would be the one to ask yourself. Now he didn’t regret hearing it, you are turning him on even more.

“Well well, the innocent Doctor (surname) now hungry for my cock?” he teased that made you shy instantly, stopping how you rub yourself towards him.

He chuckles, “Say it first and then I'll let you suck my dick.”

You pursed your lips into a pout then was about to turn away, “Say it, come on.” and then he hold your wrists to keep you from leaving.

You glanced at his eyes and stared hardly. Letting him see how much he affect you. How wet he is making you at the moment.

“Can I suck your cock, please?” you ask so softly that it almost broke Sunghoon.

He smirks and leans to kiss you at your lips once, “Since you ask nicely, down on your knees.” he command and you got so excited after you heard that.

You stood up from sitting on his lap and watch how he remove the knot of his sweatpants. He was left with his boxers and he slides it down as well, revealing his already hard fat cock.

You gulped, astonished at the view in front of you. Eyes fixated at the dessert you’re about to taste. You slowly went down on your knees while still staring at his pulsating cock, the tip of it so red.

“H-How do I do it?” your hand hang awkwardly on the sides and it almost made Sunghoon laugh at how adorable you are.

He grabs your hand and placed it at his knees, making you tear your gaze from his dick and look at his lustful eyes. He smiles, fangs showing.

“Calm down, baby. Don’t get too excited. I feel like you will bite off my dick.” he joked that made you pout. He chuckled and leaned forward for a peck on your lips before resting his back at the couch once again.

“Okay, open your mouth and then rolled your tongue out. Flat them good for me.” he instructs that you quickly followed.

The shyness wearing off as the heat of horniness taking over. You don’t care anymore, all you want is to taste his cock inside your mouth.

“That’s it. Then hold my length, not too tight. It’s your friend, not your enemy.” he chuckles playfully and you just keep follow him.

“Now lick the tip. Lick or suck, just no teeth.” he reminds and you dived in, not wasting any second.

He tasted a bit salty, but good. You cannot explain what exactly it is but the type of taste you will look for from time to time. You hold his dick and looked at its tip, becore sucking it good making Sunghoon groan in pleasure.

“Fuck baby, you’re so thirsty for my cock.” and his hand rests on top of your head when you started bobbing it out of instinct.

“Just like that— damn, it feels so good.” he moaned, groaning while biting his lips deliciously.

“Look at me.” he demands that you oblige, making him go insane.

“Goddamn those eyes. I will cum if you keep looking at me like that.” he said in a husky voice that sent shivers in your spine.

You hummed sending vibrations on his dick that gave him ultimate pleasure.

“Keep going, pretty.” and with his guidance you continued bopping and sucking his delicious cock like a lollipop. It felt so satisfying hearing his moans and having him tightly gripping your hair out of pleasure.

“I’m gonna fucking cum,” he grunts so you kept your pace and he started fucking into your mouth, making you slightly gag on his fat dick.

He didn’t stop until he shoots his hot cum at the depth of your throat, making sure you swallow every drop of it. You did as he told, rolling your eyes as you continue sucking him dry. Sunghoon grunts at the sight of you.

“So good for me.” he mumbles and pulls you up to give you a kiss at your lips.

The day ended with you actually doing your session. This time, you can really tell he’s trying to be more cooperative. Answering questions from you about his childhood and all, trying to familiarize you more about him.

You left that day with a sweet kiss on his lips and small gropping. He’s just really naughty and you cannot get enough of him.

Your routines became making out, foreplays, makeouts then session with Sunghoon. Two weeks passed by so quickly and you two grew closer and intimately. Another weekend came and you spent it with Hana, trying to find good clothes and other girly things.

“How was it with Mr. Park Sunghoon?” she asks raising her brow teasingly.

Your cheeks blushed and eyes dropped at your food instantly. Just by then she realized that something is really happening between you and the f1 racer and so she squealed happily and didn’t stop bugging you to tell her everything.

“I always knew he have the hots for you.” and she winks, delighted that her friend is finally having the sex she deserves.

“What? No. Maybe he’s just bored and—”

“Oh come on! Sunghoon can have any girls he wants and yet he picked you. He isn’t the type to go fuck around girls as well, y/n. He may look like a player, but that dude is loyal.” she even whistles.

“How’d you know?”

She shrugs her shoulder, “He had only one ex-girlfriend and not once did I heard him getting involve with someone else.”

Your heart sank at what you heard. Lately, Sunghoon has been making you feel special. Despite him being mean sometimes, his gestures still tugs your heart. And to think that you learnt about this ex lover of his being the undefeated champion for his heart is hurting your heart.

“Don’t worry! They’re already over.” she assured you after noticing the look of horror on your face.

That didn’t wipe away your worry, since you could tell she has something to do why Sunghoon refuses to talk about his hard refusal of driving for his team again.

“Why did they broke up?” you couldn’t help yourself but to ask.

She pursed her lips trying to recall the article she saw the moment the news broke to the media. It was not that big of a scandal, but still they’re both a famous and public personality. There are a lot of people invested in their love journey.

“I’m not sure, but as far as I remember it was her who calls it off.” she says that made you even more insecure about it.

Hana seems to be ignorant about the fact that you’re starting to overthink things and just diverts the topic into something else. You tried hard to push back whatever that is that’s bothering you, but it was no use. Your heart feels heavy just by thinking of where you stand at Sunghoon’s life.

He didn’t mentioned anything about taking things seriously. You wanted to get into his mind, talk to him and help him get through this phase of his life. On the other hand, he wants to get in your pants and use you for pleasure. That’s it? You should not get worried and shrug it off, but you can’t. Because no matter how much you deny it, you are slowly catching feelings with him.

And to think that the possibility of him still having hang ups with his ex are breaking your heart.

Monday came faster than expected. The weekends spent mostly by you overthinking things. It was slightly exhausting, but again it was overpowered by the thought of seeing Sunghoon once again. Excitement feeling your chest as you parked right at the hospital to meet some of your morning clients.

Time passes by so slow as you keep glancing at your wall clock, begging for it to go faster. After your third client, your intercom rings.

“Doctor, you are asked to go to the conference room to attend a meeting.” your secretary announced.

Your brows furrowed as you glanced at your calendar beside your table, finding it odd that it wasn’t recorded to your schedule. Meaning its either its an unplanned meeting or you forgot to just include it.

You pressed the button to your intercom, “Alright. Thank you.”

The conference room are packed with some doctors and at the center of it was the director. His eyes lights up at the sight of you and you tried to flash a smile for him. He continued talking about some reminders and changes at the hospital protocols.

Your eyes unconsciously darts at the clock and saw that its almost your session with Sunghoon. Remembering that you forgot to inform him, you tried to check your phone from your pockets and realized you don’t have it with you.

You almost cheered silently when the director said his ending remarks for the meeting. Everyone stood up and claps for him. When you’re about to leave the conference room, he calls for you. It made you hesitant, but since you don’t want to make a scene you just walk near him.

“Your ward will be provided with new equipments.” he started and even looked over the folder holding the lists of things your department requested.

Your shoulder relaxed a bit, thinking that he’s not totally up for something weird. Its just that you represented the department as everyone else have something to do. Slowly, the people inside the room left one by one. Even before you realize it, you are alone with the director already.

“Can you check if there’s anything missing?” he asks seriously and even handed you the folder.

You nod and carefully checks the list. While deeply into it, you yelped when you’re suddenly pushed towards the table. His body pressing hardly behind you. Tears quickly pool your eyes in terror, head hurting as it hits the table.

“M-Mr. Cha w-what are you doing?!” you panicked and even try to push yourself back up.

He grunts and pushed you even harder, holding your position. You cried and shut your eyes, wishing that this is just a dream. A very bad dream. You felt his hot breath near the back of your ears and something hard pressed at your but. It felt disgusting, you felt disgusted with yourself.

“Shut the fuck up and just take this bitch.” he mumbles scarily and started grinding himself at you.

“N-No, please stop—” you cried even harder feeling him from outside your clothes and its so horrifying.

“Shh, don’t cry. I won’t put it inside. It’s too early for that...” he said lowly and even caress your face. You moved away from his touch and he just scoffed.

“You have no idea how many times I’ve taught of doing this to you.” he groans and you can feel him going faster, reaching his climax.

It was horrible, but you just stood still as you are helpess. Tears keep streaming down your eyes, unable to even say anything. You bit your lip, shutting your eyes tightly.

When he finished, he leans in and forcedly pressed a kiss at your lips. The moment he lets go of you, you bolted your way out of there. Thankfully, you didn’t stumble with some colleagues or else they would be wondering why you’re crying and dress all crumpled up.

You’re traumatized after what happened. You’ve been inside your vehicle parked underground the hospital. Tears doesn’t even stream from your eyes anymore, you just sat there feeling so numb and disgusted. You feel disgusted about yourself. Just every place he touched you.

Your head slowly cranes to the side when you heard your phone ringing. Sunghoon’s name flashing through it. Right, you’re late to your session with him. After a while, your screen turns black meaning you’ve missed the call already.

It lits up once again because he’s trying to call again. Your heart tugs and slowly reached for your phone.

“H-Hello?” you stuttered.

A big sigh is what’s greet you. “Finally!” he spats. “I’ve been trying to call you for an hour. I thought something bad happened to you.” he sounded a little irritated.

“I’m sorry, I was c-caught in a meeting.” the memory flashes back to your mind.

“It’s fine. I just got worried.” you missed what Sunghoon said as your mind slowly spaced out.

He noticed you being silent from the other line so he sighed, “Hey, I’m not mad. I was just really worried.” he repeated, thinking you thought he’s angry.

When he still didn’t receive any response, his brows furrowed hardly.

“Baby?” he calls softly, snapping you back to your senses.

“S-Sorry, yeah?” you sniffed.

“Are you okay? Did something happen?”

Your heart sank at what you heard. The amount of emotions mountaining inside you are unexplainable. You want to scream, cry and tell him everything but you are scared. Scared as hell on what will happen after.

“Yeah I’m f-fine.” only case is, you’re not.

“Are you coming here?”

“Yes.”

You really want to see him. Something in you tells you that Sunghoon can help. That seeing him can help you.

“Okay. Drive safely.”

You bid goodbye and drove towards his house with one thing inside your mind. What happened to you a while ago and what the director did you to you just means he will not stop just like that. If there’s anyone you want to give yourself in for the first time, it would be Park Sunghoon. You want to give yourself to him.

When you arrived his place, Sunghoon was the one of who opened the door for you. He can’t even say hi because you quickly wrap your arms over his nape, pulling him closer. You crashed your lips on his and start kissing him passionately.

Despite being surprised, Sunghoon caught on and kissed back. He doesn’t understand why you’re suddenly like this, but he cannot reject and stop you. No. Never. Not when you look so beautiful desperate for him. Desperate for his kisses and touch.

He pushed your body to the door and started kissing you hungrily, hands roaming your body like they have a body of their own.

“What’s gotten into you?” he asks, catching his breath.

Your lustful eyes stared right at his swollen lips. “I just missed you.”

Sunghoon’s eyes soften at what you said and leans back in for another heated kiss. Both of his large hands rests at your hips, gripping them tightly.

“H-Hoon,” you moaned when he starts to kiss and suck the skin on your neck.

He hummed on your skin, sending so much pleasure. Your hands plays over his hair, pulling it softly.

“Fuck me.”

Sunghoon was stoned at his position when he heard you mutter those words. He pulled away slightly, enough to look at your eyes.

“What did you say?”

You looked at him straight in the eyes.

“Please fuck me.”

Sunghoon went wild after hearing it. He licked his lips and placed a kiss on top of your hand. “You sure?”

You nod continuously, wanted so bad to forget what happened earlier at the conference room.

“All right, let me prep you—” you hold his arm.

“N-No,” you gulped. “I want to feel it. I want it to hurt.”

He furrowed his brows and looked at you in confusion. He’s not gonna lie, he’s all riled up with you saying these things but he cannot help but to think what happened to you. For the past month that he knew you and been doing stuff with you, he’s never seen you like this. He feels like something’s wrong.

“Is everything okay?” he asked all concerned.

You want to dodge that question as much as possible so you glanced away. His firm hold over you softens as he try to catch your eyes.

“Hey, you good? If you want to do this, I want you to be sure. I need to prep you so it will hurt less—”

“I said I don’t mind!” you burst and shoot him glares. Your emotions are getting the best out of you.

“You know what, nevermind! If you don’t want to do it then I’ll find someone else!” you yelled. Of course that was a lie, but you try to save yourself from too much embarrassment.

You’re about to walk away from him, but he grabbed you by the wrist. When you meet his eyes, shivers run through your spine because Sunghoon’s eyes are so dark.

“Why the fuck would you say that?” he looked so mad and your lips shake unable to even say anything.

“You want it to hurt? I’ll make it hurt.” and he threw you over his shoulders making you slightly yelp.

“H-Hoon,” he walked towards somewhere.

Realizing he entered a room, Sunghoon placed you on the middle of the big bed. You looked at him, nervous. He smoothly took off his shirt and you fold your legs. His toned body made you at awe.

He stretches and grabbed your leg pulling you closer to him. His hand find your skirt and he started taking it off. He dipped his head to smash his lips onto yours. Your eyes shut, getting drown by his sweet, sloppy kisses.

“You don’t say those words at me, y/n. Finding someone else to fuck you?” he said after he pull away and manages to take off your skirt. His eyes turned dark as he let out a scoff with no humor.

“Now, I’m going to fuck you so hard and you’re going to take it all like a good bitch.”

His words are enough to make you wet down there, but you know it wasn’t enough to make it less painful. With the length and thickness of his cock, it will surely hurt like hell.

“W-Wait—” you sound scared.

Sunghoon didn’t mind and just pushed your body down the bed, his big hand wrapping around your neck. His other hand started stripping off your underwear.

“Shut the fuck up.”

He moved away and started removing his sweatpants. His dick was hard already, slapping at his stomach after he took off his boxer shorts. The view itself was salivating for you. It made your fear disappear for a split second. Tho it all went back when he approached you and spread your legs wide for him.

His eyes are darkly focused down at your slightly wet core.

“H-Hoon,” he didn't say anything and spit on his palm before stroking his hard cock.

You’re about to say something but his dark eyes looked at you. The corner of his lips lifts a little as he position his tip at your entrance. Your heart thump in fear and excitement. Multiple times you two did foreplays and you’ve been imagining his cock entering you. Now, it’s really gonna happen.

“Do you trust me?” he asks in a low tone.

You nod your head.

“I will make it hurt so you wouldn’t forget who took you first.” he mumble so ruthless and then pressed his body closer.

Your lips pursed as his cock slowly enters you. It was hard, Sunghoon cannot even push inside as it was so tight for him. He clenched his jaw, couldn’t get enough of the feeling of your tight cunt squeezing his tip.

“Fucking tight,” he growled and thrust harder.

You yelped at the feeling of being painfully stretched by his dick. The pain was unexplainable, something you never felt before. Your hold over his arm tighten, eyes becoming teary. Sunghoon searches for your lips as he continues taking your virginity, cursing inside his mind how good this pussy is. How tight and perfect for him to ruin.

“S-So big,” you cry out.

“Just a little bit more, baby.” he whispered to your ears.

He’s not yet fully in but you already feel so full. It was unbelievable. Your eyes tightly shut, nails digging over his broad back.

“There we go,” he sighs when you finally managed to take all of him.

He pulled away slightly just to get a good look of his cock buried deep inside of you. Your pussy so red and full. It looked so tight with his dick filling you completely. He fits you perfectly that its no doubt that this pussy belongs to me.

“You’re mine now, y/n. Hear me?” he growled and leaned his body down as he start to move his hips, thrusting in and out.

“I’m claiming this pussy mine.” and he bit your shoulder, pistoning his hips harder and faster.

He didn’t even ask if you adjusted already. He was so lost by the pleasure you are giving him. He continued fucking you fast and hard that you’re starting to see stars. It was amazing. Painful, but amazing.

“Ngh,” you moaned when its started to feel a little better. He smirks and tries to catch a glance at your face.

“You’re taking me so well, baby. You’re such a good girl.” he mumbled and looked back at your privates hitting each other continuously.

“So pretty. So perfect for me.” he kept mumbling like a prayer.

You got lost on how long he’s been abusing your hole until he finally cum on your stomach. Sunghoon’s not the type who gets tired right away after a round, but this one’s different. The kind of pleasure and emotions he poured in this one is something he has never done before.

He crashed beside you and gently pulled you towards him, making your head rest over his chest. A peck on your forehead and then he rest his chin on your head.

“Thank you.” you mumbled, after finally gaining back some senses.

He scoffed and wrapped his arm around you. “Thank you for hurting you?”

You chuckled and nuzzled over his chest.

“Well, I did asked for it.”

“You did, baby.”

The two of you fell silent before your eyes caught a glimpse of some of his trophies.

“Did you want to be a racer ever since you were a kid?”

“Oh, my psychiatrist is back? Damn. I’m kind of enjoying my cuddles at the moment.” he said sarcastically.

“I just want to know.” you giggled.

He heaved a sigh, clearly thinking through it.

“I grew up loving cars. My uncle used to take me with him whenever he watch f1 racers. I thought it was cool and wanted to be like them.” he started and you just listened to him.

“And you did.” you uttered so proudly.

“My Mom was against it at first. Saying that its dangerous. But I just couldn’t stop myself from pursuing it. I just feel so alive doing it. The sound of the roaring engines, the thrill of the speed and the smell of the tires scratching over the race track. Its just... different.” he mumbles.

He didn’t say anything, but you felt his tension slightly disappearing. Your hand that was hugging him starts to caress his back, lowkey letting him know that you’re there beside him.

“I used to love racing.”

“You still love it.” you declared like you’re so sure of it.

He didn’t respond right away. Like something’s occupying his mind right now. The thought of his ex girlfriend made it to you and slowly, you pulled away from his hug.

You looked straight to his eyes and gulped.

“Does your ex girlfriend has something to do why you don’t want to race anymore?”

You can clearly saw how his eyes turned cold and the emotions in his face drained. He looked like how he was when you first met him.

Your heart cracks when he pulled away from you and leave the bed before starting to grab his clothes.

“I’ll get you a fresh towel so you can take a bath.” he suggested with cold voice.

“Sunghoon, I’m s—”

“Let’s skip today’s session. You can leave after you take a bath.” and he walked away to get the things you will be needing. Leaving you dumbfounded and heart’s aching.

You have no idea what just happened, but the f1 racer sure does know how to fucking hurt you both physically and emotionally.

tag-list:

@candewlsy @nyfwyeonjun @sunghoonizz @jaehyuniewifeu @imjakes-wifeofc1 @deobitifull @enhypens-hoe @yzzyhee @nyxtwixx @crimnalseung @vixensss @jjklvr9 @gonorrheaisme @lhspeachie @myboyfriendjungkook @capri-cuntz @brooklyninawhitemustang @woniebae @ma-riiii @tinie03 @seokseokjinkim @iheartjayke @hybeboyenthusisast @minniejenseo @shelovsme @sjakewrld @shawnyle (i can’t tag some of you, sorry)

[chasedeys]

Who would you say is more feral about the other and who would you say is more protective between Joe and Ja’Marr ??feel free to give examples 😊

hiii i feel like a lot of people think ja’marr’s more feral about joe and a lot of blogs have panned out examples on how joe being just as if not more feral and i agree with both! it’s equal feralness, equal devotion, equal ‘can you both chill abt each other’ kind of way. this might be a cop out lmao but genuinely comparing actions vs words between these two is just mind melting for me so yeah they definitely don’t fuck around abt each other

i feel like all the feral moments have been mentioned 😭 joes natty game ball thrown straight at jamarr, the saints game lsu jersey that joe elected to wear for whatever reason, joe weighing in how he wants jamarr with him and bengals actually getting the guy for him, jamarr choosing to follow his college qb to ohio, the clothes saga of does joe actually let jamarr dress him up or does he not, the lakers date jamarr flew to save joes shit week, the he’s like a god to me comment, the ufc moves schtick which is a very barbara krugers you construct intricate rituals which allow you to touch the skin of other men kinda deal, jamarr going out of his way to fly to joe to be the one joe throws to for his fourth throwing session post wrist injury (insane btw :)), etc etc no but genuinely there’s so many more its crazy

and just like this one article that isn’t even really anything compared to the rest of their lore yk? but it just sticks to me so hard like wdym ‘i knew i was going to feed my guy he was due for one’ ‘he was excited all week’ oh ok were you enamored at how excited he was 😭 did u want to keep him happy and smiling and bouncing all around the place answer me joseph. joseph. what do you think of a happy ja’marr joseph. would you do anything in your power to keep him that way joseph or. but anyways!

‘all i can do is make him look good, he helps me look good. we make each other look good. just being there for him. that’s all i can do is be there for him’ WOULD YOU STOP???? where does he get these words jamarr chase shuttt your mouthhhh i swearrrr 😭 half the shit he says sounds like its from a 13 yo writing mafia aus for the first time and yet it hits!! every time!!!! girl learn some restraint (keep talking never stop etc)

they’re both equally protective of the other?? in a way that’s like ‘how dare you not perceive this man the way i perceive him and fault him for being who he is’

when joe—wrist in cast mind u—looked deadass ready to get down to business with someone chirping at ja’marr post kc game where ja’marr got into a fight with however many people are in that team. somebody who psychoanalyzes for a living should study jamarrs shit with the chiefs and how joe relates to that fr

ja’marr’s preseason drops where people shit on him so bad and joe couldn’t exactly cuss people out but he was sooo steadfast in his belief on jamarr barely flinching anytime someone mentions about it ‘i know the type of guy jamarr is, he’ll be ready game one’, unsmiling ‘i thought he was dropping everything’ doing the pinky shake as ja’marr was leaving his presscon seat right in front of all those reporters as an extra special fuck you that’s my guy sort of thing yk. the contract hold out people asking abt jamarr being game ready and him saying jamarr would be ready regardless (?) or something along those lines. the post kc game shove presser ahaha. to my knowledge joe never caters to anybody saying shit subtly or outrightly about jamarr and i live and breathe that shit i won’t lie

any of jamarrs twitter fights with literally anybody who shits on joe no matter if it was actual like hate or just casual opinions on who’s the better qb?? girl. honestly.

ja’marr being soooo health proactive about other people!! no but seriously he cares soooo much about injuries and everything—that one calf strain joe had preseason that he keeps saying to chill and sit back until game 5, ‘i told him don’t scare me like that again he knows how to slide he’s just hard headed’ looking deadass pissed off at the thought, ‘im here for the future, for him. i want you to be here for the future’, the stand back and look pretty in the pocket (insane. just fucking insane thing to say), saying hed rather have joe throwing from the back than running the ball in fact hed rather not joe get hit at all—just anything about joe playing through injuries and he lets out an insane quote that has people (rpf enjoyers: me) question if he ever pauses to think of the implications

and sorry brief jamarr focused word vomit: he also says the most important thing for malik nabers is to be healthy :(( he cares so much abt injuries over playing, he opted out playing his junior year during covid, etc but that week 4 (???) shoulder injury report that he keeps saying he’s fine even when the bandages peek through his shirt is so 😭 pls self reflect bub (though i guess it really was fine considering he went and did amazing that game so i feel he’s amazingly aware of his limits too?? his health vice is just shit diet ig)

and like idk if this is included in like the protective kind of way but that interview when they asked if joe was more intense and ja’marr went off saying he doesn’t look at joe the way you people do (and how he only looks at him on the field lol ok jamarr)—like he’s enraged that people nitpick on everything that joe presents himself as ‘the way yall be looking at him’ can somewhat equate to ‘yall are don’t know shit about him look away’ which is. ???? ok jamarr ok. like i feel he thinks he knows joe very well even if he doesn’t know everything that joes feeling no matter how many times reporters ask him for his insight, but he definitely feels like he knows joe a whole lot better than these outsiders who keep trying to over-analyze his quarterback but wrongly so he has to bite back sharp remarks over these misconceptions about joe via being overly defensive

theres probably more that i cant recall or not know sigh knowing that there are gems of joemarr moments i will never know because i wasnt here for their entire nfl run hurts me deeply btw

[olderthannetfic]

(spellchecking this was a nightmare; I got sent this a while back as a response to a topic I commented on, where I basically agreed there is an oversaturation issue of a specific nature form not friendly people making the community they clam to be supporting look bad in the process. I agree with them but what is your take?)

First off no hate intended but I sometimes forget form past experiences that Mod (s) form a specific blog get bit heated around the shipper issue. (Fujoshi is the proper term for this specific shipper type; but tumblr has issues with that term being used in its proper context. there is actually a darker reason why this became a term its a Idol culture rabbit hole to be saved for later.) As for the topic I genuinely believe that they can't really relate to this topic without proper context. A great deal of this is probably because they defend who they should not and I will do my best to explain this issue without calling anyone out. No hate intended, I like to see the best in people and encourage that to grow more as individuals. The fandom in question is pretty small but the issue is not. There are other fandoms that can relate thou this one is for a game genre. I can't fathom why people defend other users for this horrible behavior towards others just because they ship the only popular guy on guy ship in the fandom.

Lets start by providing context, there are two different types of user here the kind that just mind their business and enjoy their ship, these ones are not the issue, and (lets call them Troublemakers since tumblr hates the term. The term literally means "Filthy Girl" and more importantly I know why it means this but that is somewhat irrelevant here and not the topic.) Basically I really want to understand why no one is calling out their vile behavior because to me its just as bad to not hold them accountable for the bad things they do just because they throw around a trigger or two. I am not saying they can not better themselves, just that not frowning upon their actions does not help them.

Sorry for the long clarification I just wanted to make this clear before getting to the topic because this is about a specific set of individuals, not he group as a whole and I think some people forget that this is a thing with said group. The inconvenient truth is there is a good and bad way to handle it, ignoring the issue and praying it goes away is not a way to handle it.

NOW FOR THE STORY: Because it is a general issue we shall improvise with names, it also makes cleanup easer). In this Game story the ML (Author) and the FL (Gwen) are portrayed as having a deeper bond, the only other character (Lance) also has a deep bond but is a different relationship entirely and you can tell form the interactions hinted at the the deep lore.

During the course of the story Lance becomes cannon fodder for Author's development after he makes a bad deal; yet his tragedy is not a total loss for Lance as lore in this story says Lance IS able to warn Author of a plot form his father that would lead to Author being turned into a literal human puppet.

Here is where the Trublemakers come in, They have been drawing people into the fandom claiming that a offshoot of the story in question that is teased could be centered around Author and Lance as a couple to spite the writers of this series saying if Author were to get with anyone it would be Gwen.

They also mention that is not where they want Authors story to go. Basically developers were saying that the romantic openness is just that an openness to interpret the relationship as romantic and something they only put with Gwen and Author. They also clarify that Authors relationship with Lance before Author has to end him is a "Brothers in Arms" one thou they are very close as friends they are not romantic.

Lances story is meant to be a tragedy as you discover Lance was not in the best of health in the game he even says he "Made a deal with a devil and regrets it" and it is hinted that this deal has taken his freedom form him rendering Lance nothing more than a tool for the Antagonist to use against Author in the end. When Author makes the final blow Lance thanks him for finally freeing him form his terrible fate. This isn't to dog on the ship but in the end the issue is the Trublemakers are ruining the chances of this small fandom to grow by trying push that this is a canon Pairing when its a tragedy that was meant to grow the Protagonists resentment towards his father who is hinted as being the devil in question. Something that is meant to progress to the final confrontation where the protagonist is given a choice to side with his father (become the human puppet) or rebel against him which leads to his fathers tragic end after the epic final battle of this story. This series is NOT sunshine and rainbows it is classified as a Dark Fantasy hence why we using fantasy references. and Cannon fodder like Lance is common in this genre. The concern is that the Trublemakers are creating false expectations for incoming fans about the series; sadly Lance is not likely to come back, thou he was developed as a character who could, as it is made abundantly clear that Lance in the end found his freedom in his passing. The Bad actors are making light of the fact Lance sacrificed himself to Warn Author and is in some since disrespectful to the writers as well who are trying to not falsely advertise the games story or genre. Oh but it gets worse; in the fandoms they are literally intimidating and bothering fans that refuse to shill the ship going after people who just do not post the things and that could be any reason what so ever there. It could even be personal preference we are talking full on attack mode, hiding behind a gray face, trashing people behind their back to people they interact with exc. So enter my dilemma; am I really wrong for thinking this behavior is bad? I do not feel as if its right to consider my stance here flawed or worthy of scorn and hate. My concern is not the ship existing but the bad actors that are in it being coddled when they behave just as vile as the "Unicorns" in the Idol fanbase trying to force real people to bone to appease their single sex couple fetishes. (That is literally why its so bad I did say it was a Rabbit hole, thou the term Hole is a gorse understatement of how deep.)

--

Ahahaha. What the actual fuck is this?

Am I understanding you that most of this is a c&p of something you received? Okay, then, let's break it down.

Okay, big picture:

It is bad to pressure creators to make your ship canon.

It is bad to pressure other fans to ship your ship or harass them for not posting enough about it.

But as for this little essay, no, of course I don't agree with it: It's so full of red flags it has barely any room for anything but red flags.

'Fujoshi' has a ~darker reason~? What? The history is simple: 2chan bros used a rude but kind of funny pun for women who were "spoiled"—i.e. undatable—because they liked m/m content. Those women found the pun amusing and reclaimed it for themselves. The end.

It's just the 'fu' from 'tofu' and is a pun on a homonym, 婦女子, that refers to a married woman. It's "rotten" like food going bad, not like moral depravity (though I'm sure the 2chan bros do think it's morally depraved for women not to cater to them).

Right off the bat, this is a red flag because it's trying to hint at some dark depths here that just are not present and are not a big deal. It's trying to set up a tone that the author has Special Knowledge and we should just trust them. Sheesh.

I am not saying they can not better themselves

And here we dive straight into "I'm just trying to help you" bullshit. This is condescending and creepy.

The description of the canon is convoluted and pointless. Brothers in arms is the main driver of oldschool m/m ships. Yes, of fucking course people are going to ship this.

"Baww, the creators said they didn't mean it that way!" What the actual fuck is this? Who cares what the creators think? Why is this essay fellating the idea of canon compliance?

"The het subtext was intentional!!!" is not an argument that anybody should be making because there is literally no reason fans should care which subtext was intentional when it comes to whether they ship something.

Almost the entire description of the canon could have been cut out to just leave:

"They have been drawing people into the fandom claiming that a offshoot of the story in question that is teased could be centered around Author and Lance as a couple to spite the writers of this series saying if Author were to get with anyone it would be Gwen."

Now... I think the second half of that is a reach. Are they actually doing it out of spite? What's the evidence? Canon's plot is not evidence.

Tinhats are a plague everywhere, they aren't usually doing it out of spite, and they aren't all m/m shippers. It's far more likely that a bunch of dummies are seeing shippy potential and extrapolating to think it's intentional and leading somewhere. Sherlock fandom was full of this. Many fandoms are.

But regardless, the first half does make sense as a complaint. If I'm understanding the situation correctly, some fans are bringing in new fans with false promises of canon m/m.

in the end the issue is the Trublemakers are ruining the chances of this small fandom to grow by trying push that this is a canon Pairing when its a tragedy that

Okay, you've lost me. You've lost every fan with a single particle of sense.

Don't talk about fandoms like you're talking about the third quarter profits of a corporation. That's obnoxious nonsense.

Either your fandom will grow organically or, most likely, it will not. Some annoying m/m shippers aren't the real reason: the fact that most things don't get that popular is the real reason.

Why aren't the het shippers or the gen fans able to draw in more people? Maybe the m/m ship is more interesting. Maybe these other fans should make more of an effort if they really want to treat fandom as a job or religious evangelism.

And moreover, who says tragedy and ships are opposites? Even canon ships! Even canon ships where someone died!

Look, I believe you/the person you're c&ping that this particular canon is not gearing up for "Lance" to come back, but considering how many fujoshi are still creaming themselves over The Untamed or Scum Villain, I really do not think that one of the dudes falling off a cliff or even dying for real is much of an impediment.

This is Tumblr, dude. Have you not seen that "Your greatest enemy will rise from the grave and never leave you alone" story? Come the fuck on!

If the canon's creators wanted to bring Lance back and make this BL, they could. If they prefer not to, that's fine.

The issue is entitled fans demanding that their vision be the creators' vision. Full stop.

The minute you try to hand-wring about the m/m aspect of it, you sound like a homophobic and/or misogynist douchebag. It does not matter what specific thing the demanding fans are demanding. It only matters if they're harassing people.

their single sex couple fetishes

And now we have the mother of all red flags!

Having sexual fantasies is not a ~fetish~. Clowns who think it is are not to be trusted. Does this person (you?) think that, what, idol band RPF fandoms are where the concept or term 'fujoshi' comes from? I have bad news about the levels of bonkers stalker bullshit the band guy/female self shippers pull, not to mention the bullying by people who just like a group and don't want anyone to like them the "wrong" way.

The issue is not horny thoughts. The issue is bullying and harassment.

What I'm hearing here is "Wah, wah, waaaah. Other fans of the game I like keep inviting their friends, and they all ship a ship I don't like! Won't someone think of the (near) canon het!"

That shit was tired and old in the 1970s. It's worse now.

--

If you cannot describe the harassment without resorting to all of this anti-m/m nonsense, you're never going to convince anyone that there's a problem.

If the issue is "These tinhats say X is going to be canon, but the creators have said it's not", ditch the other shit and just say that part.

M/M fans have dealt with the likes of the Johnlock Conspiracy before. We also hate annoying tinhats who create false expectations and over-promise canon m/m.

Just say:

It sucks when people pretend a canon is BL after the creators have said they aren't going to include m/m.

[ghostflowerhotpotch]

Has it ever occurred to you that since Gwen hasn’t had a mother figure for the majority of her life and from the beginning of ATSV its kinda shown she’s been craving that type of guidance or even affection when she sees Jess for the first time, do you think that once the dust is settled between her and Miles and she finally gets to properly introduce herself to his parents, do you think that Rio can not replace Gwen’s mother but atleast fill in that gap in some way where she’s able to get some of the guidance she’s been looking for. Idk I just feel like the dynamic between the two could be interesting once they both get along with each other, hopefully this makes sense to answer.

Ohh this is interesting.

Now, hope you don't mind, but Gwen and Jess situation is something I wanted to talk about for a while, so, I will use your comment to talk about this.

I will do the Rio part too, but knowing myself, there is a chance that would end in a second post because I talk too much.

Let's go!

Now, do I think is this a joke? Yes, but I also think Gwen means it.

And look, this is not to say that you necessarily need to have two parents to raise a kid, I personally believe that one parent, if they provide the necessary attention and care to the child or children, could be an amazing parent and not let their kids feel like they are missing anything.

However, as discussed on this post, I mentioned why while George isn't a bad dad, sadly he is not the best parent for Gwen.

And here I also discussed why Gwen's mental health is a bit of a mess.

But to not sent people to do homework, let's give the cliff-notes version.

George is trying to be a good father, however between his job and his refusal to understand nuance, he has accidentally pushed Gwen away; even if maybe this could have been resolved if she talked to him in a normal situation, the fact that he did what he did in the beginning shows she was scared for a reason.

So that means Gwen has a gaping hole in what a role model and parent should be, since she needs more support. Of couse her Spidey identity is important to her (in fact she leans too much into it,) and having no one to help her on that complicated path doesn't make the situation any easier.

Enters Jessica Drew.

You know I found extremely telling that when Gwen sees Miguel, she is cracking jokes and not really taking his professionalism crap seriously; yet when Jess comes kicking ass with her motorcycle and she looks at her like she has seen the light.

Perhaps it had to do with her realizing this failed artist is more problematic than she expected, or the fact that Miguel was quickly disposed of by something she saw from a mile away; while Jess came putting the bad guy on a grinder and maneuvering a bike like nobody's business. Needless to say, Gwen is DEFINITELY impressed.

Once again, this plays almost like this is a dream come true for Gwen.

She hides it well for most of the movie as well as the previous one, but the reality is that underneath that cool exterior, this is a teenage mess with so much angst she is giving my teen self a run for their money.

Just like she craves companionship in the form of Miles as well as other spiders, she probably wants someone who can tell her everything is going to be okay or what they should do. Again, we may forget sometimes, especially with superhero movies where protagonists need to be competent despite their age most of the time; but Gwen is 16, 17 at the most; and has been handling this stress and turmoil for at least 3 years. That's a lot.

Top it with her dad not being able to emotionally support her, and the fact that she wants a mom becomes less a possible commentary about not nuclear families, and more of a likely possibility because the first 20 minutes of the movie gave us LOTS of material to show how mess up this is.

I think is a testament to the situation that she doesn't default to Peter B or Noir in the first movie, nor Miguel; she only seems to be interested in learning from someone when she sees Jess.

Is funny, but is also very painful to hear for me, as if you ask me she said it completely straight, and this just shows how much help she needs.

Granted Gwen said that accidentally and probably wouldn't have said it if thought about it first, but the fact that it slipped says a lot.

She desperately wants someone like Jess in her life, and to top it off, she probably wants that person as a maternal figure; probably someone to ask about techniques for defeating baddies and also who could talk about feelings without this person defaulting to work as a copy mechanism.

Feel free to call me crazy for getting so work up about a joke, but if I am honest other interactions really make me sell this idea for me.

Now let's talk Jess.

Literally what other reaction she was going to have.

We really never hear a definitive answer to the question, but I also think Jess didn't think too hard about it for a reason.

I am planning to go through some scenes of Gwen and Jess to dig deeper into their mentor/not-mom situation, but let's start with this.

Do I think Jess should have adopted Gwen? No, not at all.

Look I am a sucker for found family and adoption tropes, and I would had love nothing more than for Jess to give one dirty look at Gwen's dad, tell her she would be there for her, and take her away to a good home. That is not what happened, and I don't blame her.

She is on her way to having her own kid, she needs to be spider-woman and to top it all off, she seems to be kind of a second in command in a really big operation, where your boss is your friend who is also way too into his job and she probably is still there partially to make sure Miguel doesn't completely lose it. She has a lot on her plate as it is, adopting a traumatized teenager is a lot of work that shouldn't really be her job.

Do I think that means she has no responsibilities to Gwen? No, not really.

And this is largely why.

Okay, I will try to not go over every moment with them, as this is more about explaining their situation than a deep dive of every instance of their relationship, but this is a good kicker for the situation.

Jess immediately takes an interest in Gwen for the organization, now while I can understand that she based this purely on her abilities, I think a part of it was the comment Gwen made earlier. I think she sees in her someone who needs a steady hand and some support.

As a mentor.

This is going a bit ahead on the post, but let's establish that 1) This exists, and 2) Jessica got that idea EXTREMELY quick all things considered.

Here is where the responsibility part actually kicks in.

No, Jess doesn't have any responsibility to Mother Gwen in any way, regardless if Gwen needs one or not (she does,) but the moment she not only started to argue for her to have a spot in the organization, to take her in when the things in her universe technically imploded (which they are marginally responsible considering they came to clean this means and they only did it thanks to Gwen,) She implicitly accepted to look after her.

Okay here is where we need to talk a bit about tropes.

When you have protagonists that are teens or kids with powers, is inevitable that they will need to deal with dangerous stuff that no sane adult would let a real kid do, but is fiction so you kind of have to suck it.

This is a trope that I found kind of lazy even when I was part of the age demographic; which is why stuff like The Owl House with Eda was refreshing.

She was also a Mentor who was also not very responsible as a guardian, but she ended up growing into one, and even if she failed to protect her apprentice, she did try her damnest to do it.

Jess is not Eda, and she doesn't need to be, except that this story has proven to be aware that they are still teens.

Jess clearly recognizes this isn't fair for Gwen. We also see something like this in the first movie, with Peter B worried about Miles can or can't handle, while still letting them do stuff you wouldn't catch me letting my little sister get away with; they know that there are somethings someone at that age shouldn't just be handling on their own.

And Jess isn't exactly ice-cold about Gwen.

Jess took interest in Gwen's potential quickly, she looked after her, and quickly went to try to calm her down and support her during a very high tense and stressful moment. Even here is Gwen the one who ultimately moves away, not Jess, proving she could had try to stay close to ensure she was okay.

And this is something that shows that it kind of sticks.

While considerably harsher here than in her introduction scene, Jess is showing that despite her annoyance with Gwen, she still likes her. She never thought her relationship with Miles shouldn't be a reason not to have her on the team; she trusted a mission in the universe despite that, and also calls Gwen her star pupil, which I don't was sarcasm.

She also gives her an hour to fix this, which even if not much, is more than she could have given her.

I am not saying that Jess didn't look after Gwen, or didn't care about her beyond what she could do for the organization, however, it wasn't what Gwen needed.

Let's circle back to responsibility,

Jess is aware of what happened with her dad, she knows what Gwen lost, and she can probably imagine that a kid that lost her identity and her world like that on just one night can't be doing okay; yet nothing shows me she ever did anything about it.

Here is the thing, Jess doesn't need to be Gwen's mom, but she can't just insist to have her and be her mentor, and don't think about checking on her in something other than her kicking-ass abilities. Even if she doesn't want to deal with it, she should have either seen how to make her father see reason, or lock her in the room with the spider-man psych.

Considering how things go in this movie, neither thing happens.

And it feels more painfully obvious when you see how much Gwen tries to appeal to her emotionally.

In a vaccum, none of these are a big deal, but the more I think about it the more heartbreaking this is for me to watch.

This is why I find these to be such a big deal: Gwen doesn't like to do emotional shit.

I know, I probably repeated that more times than I can count; but let that sink in contrast to what's going on.

After Peter died, she decided to not have any friends because she couldn't deal with the grief, with Miles only getting past that rule because they are both spiders plus chemistry. And even then, when you see Miles asking if she is going to talk to her dad, she decided to crack a joke and brush the idea as swiftly as possible.

When her dad tells her about the break in the spider-woman case, she tries to brush it off with false enthusiasm at first, and then when she gives a more honest response is more out of bubbling annoyance that truly her trusting him with something.

She isn't baring her heart open in these moments though, let's not have it twisted; however, she is trying to use emotion as a way to appeal to Jess, which is not her first move with most people in general. Even when she is not actively giving her an in-depth explanation, in each of those moments she is giving the emotional context as to why this is so hard.

"You never got too close to someone?" -> "This person is important to me and this is hard for me, wasn't it for you?"

"But my gut says-" -> "I know this looks bad, and I can't explain how, but this isn't right, trust me."

"Tell him he is wrong!" -> I don't really need to explain this one, do it?

She continuously looks up to Jess to hear her out, and to understand what she is going through; she sees her and expects someone who can connect with her on that level and care about it.

But that's not what Jess does, because she is not her mom, she is her mentor.

For the most part, when Gwen tries to appeal to Jess emotionally speaking, Jessica shuts that idea down fast.

Now, I am going to preface this by clarifying that in real life, a mentor would probably check emotionally on the kid they are mentoring if only for the fact that when you are in charge of a kid, you should look after them. Fiction however is another ballpark, and technically speaking, a mentor shouldn't need to be doing something that is the job of the family.

A good mentor would probably understand their apprentice position and listen, since regardless of your years of experience, you can't just underestimate people or you will inevitably be surpassed. However, Jess isn't trying to be anything like that; she wants to teach Gwen her way, and her way says that emotions are kind of on the way. So regardless if it isn't what Gwen needs, she will insist on that.

I think there can be a way to accept emotions but also don't let them cloud your decisions, yet again, Jess is not interested in that, and I Gwen actually have normal, supportive parents (or even just one,) I wouldn't be so hung up about this. But she doesn't and Jess knows this.

Superhero or not, Gwen is just a teen, and shouldn't need to be living this, especially because I freaking doubt this is a canon event or something; with the resources they have, and the people they have on board, I can't believe there isn't a way they could have talk to Captain Stacy and made him see reason.

But they didn't, because they are more worried about spider-man duties than whatever is going on to the person under the mask, and for them, this is just what comes with the territory so you have the suck it up. Even if this is perfectly avoidable once you think of it.

That's something that I had been thinking about a lot while doing my post on the organization as well as the one with Gwen falling in Mumbatthan. The spiders are stronger together, and in general working as a team gives them not only better chances at saving people, but also helping with the stress they have and being there for each other. That isn't the goal of the organization though.

Miguel's mission is to preserve the canon and to put people from other dimensions back into their respective ones, anything else is probably secondary to him. Sure, if someone asks for help from another Spider I don't think he would stand in the way; except if it is a canon event, which in that case, he will probably say to people to suck it up.

The pain they have, the trauma they are suffering, while being together helps it was never the end goal to help with that, and there is no regard in avoiding said pain. This is a job first and foremost, which is the attitude Jess has.

Gwen is not her kid, or even a young student, she is a coworker; one that she needs to guide a bit, but her subordinate at the end of the day.

Sometimes the waters get muddier, on both sides if I am honest.

I will touch a bit on other scenes, but I wanted to bring up this one in particular because there is something that feels a bit more mother-daughter than it probably has any right to show.

Now I will be the first to admit this may be a me thing, I can be very formal in real life and that goes double with people who are older than me and in a position of power over me, the only exception to that rule is my current boss because he is the mythical creature of being a manager who remembers employees are people too.

Gwen is not like that, she jokes and doesn't give too much of a shit regardless if you are Miguel or a bad guy. However there is something in the way Gwen acts that feels she wouldn't be phrasing stuff like this if it was Miguel on the other side; again, back to her using emotion as a first resource rather than as a lashing effect of her anger.

Jess, while being kind of no-nonsense overall, is also not the most formal, because this is the spider society and Miguel had the bad luck to be the only straight-laced one while everybody else tries to be a comedian for the most part. But there is a way that she talks to Gwen that for me feels kind of like her not fully keeping this professional either.

I can't fully put it into words, so feel free to not make seriously on this one, but there is something about the way Jess is commenting on the situation that reminds me more of a mom than any of my bosses.

Then we have scenes like this.

I am sorry but this part really first like is a discussion between mother and daughter, even with contexts the way the scene delivers gives that energy.

This isn't exactly wrong by itself, nor is it truly that surprising. The boss I mentioned before had also mentioned off-topic that me and my other coworker (who is a couple of years older than me,) are almost like his kids, and we share an age range. However he doesn't try to parent us really, and even if some of the comments are very much 'now listen to me kids' he quickly remembers we are adults and would drop topics or decisions we made that I know wouldn't be his reaction has been one of the kids that are actually kids.

It probably has more to do with the way they talk and see people younger than them that any parental feelings, and none of this is really inappropriate.

Nonetheless, the fact that Gwen craves that motherly bond makes these interactions hurt all the more for me.

Gwen may not be under the illusion that Jess is her mom, but she's subconsciously looking up to her, and the fact that Jess acts like this, even if by accident, just feels into that mentality. The mentality Gwen has that maybe Jess will listen this time, that she will take into account her feelings and her opinion in her decisions; but she continues to not do that.

For the most part.

Is a bit hard to see with the resolution I have, but when Gwen is kicking and screaming while been taken by the machine, Jess's gaze goes in another direction.

I am sorry if this is feeling repetitive, I know this post is a long one (which is funny how this post created another 2 just so those topics wouldn't be here.)

What I am trying to say with all of this, is despite Jess' insistence this is just work, that Gwen is just her pupil and she can only do so much; Jess continues to have a soft stop for Gwen that let's her get away with things. Is kind of ironic how Miguel said Gwen was a liability for her feelings for Miles, yet couldn't even consider how feelings in general would get in the way, considering Jess assigned this mission to Gwen (which then she fumbled the bag and led to the Spot becoming an actual menace,) give her a second chance, and then apparently let her go.

(It is possible she is looking for where Gwen is going to tell Miguel, but I doubt it.)

I fully believe that by the third film, Jess will probably end up either switching sides or just letting Gwen do what she wants, and even if is the first scenario I think it would be via Gwen that happens.

But to wrap things up, if Captain Stacy is not enough as a parent for Gwen because he can't do that role properly, Jess isn't good enough as a parent for Gwen because she doesn't want that role, regardless of if she sometimes kind of acts like it.

I think their relationship is fascinating, and I would love to explore more of this connection in some way; if only because the complicated nature of it makes it all the more interesting for me, but in a nutshell, is this:

Jess: I wanted an apprentice, you wanted a mom. Gwen: Well I guess we are both disappointed.

(Sorry I couldn't help myself, OOF I wish I could draw well enough for this.)

Now, with my thoughts on Rio, I could probably put them on this post because is not that long, but it will probably feel off with all this commentary I had been making, so it would be in another one.

If you got this far, congrats on your patience, and thank you for reading!

[vashtijoy]

probably a silly question, but i was under the impression that mental shutdowns can either kill or put someone in a coma, while psychotic breaks make the victim abandon all societal norms and whatever inhibitions they had. sort of like. it will make them act like their worst self and desires and intrusive thoughts but it won't kill them. is this wrong? :0 i guess even in my interpretation a psychotic break can make someone act in such a way that will cause them serious body harm or death. but can a psychotic break kill on its own?

You have it right, anon! Definitions again:

psychotic breakdown—more literally something like "mental rampage", this is the result of Akechi using Call of Chaos on someone's shadow. The game implies (with statements like "once the chains on [their] heart are broken") that the things people do during a breakdown are things they can't admit they want to do; the things they repress down into their shadow. These result in "accidents and scandals", and (probably?) won't kill you directly.

mental shutdown—the result of Akechi killing someone's shadow, this is haijinka, more literally "cripple-ization" or "making someone a human wreck" (thanks so much, y'all)—note that 廃人 haijin is derogatory and "should be used with caution".

Here's Japanese Wikipedia (via Google Translate bc I'm both lazy and busy this morning) on haijin:

When people are generally called "haijin", most of them refer to cases in which sociality is significantly impaired compared to healthy people . Because of the particularly strong discriminatory elements, it is used when the mind is destroyed or activity is hindered due to congenital (or acquired) mental disorders, or when normal social activities are difficult.

Note that, while these are two very different things, with very different effects, the localisation typically muddies the water by saying shutdown when it means breakdown, or vice versa. Or by turning "shutdowns and breakdowns" into one or the other. Or by describing something else entirely as a mental shutdown—the cases in that post are breakdowns, but they're a specific subset of breakdown. So when you hear these mentioned in English, think about what they're describing, and which definition it meets. The characters are often validly confused about what's going on, but the terminology is also usually muddled, one way or another.

how fatal are they tho

Using @cincosechzehn's original spreadsheet as an indicator, we see five mental shutdowns in canon, as part of the plot: Wakaba, Kayo, Kobayakawa, Okumura and the SIU Director. Out of these five, the only five we see onscreen, four of them die and one recovers.

Those are bad odds. Those are really bad odds. That's an 80% kill rate. Like, the SIU guy and Okumura may not be in good health, but by their nature mental shutdowns are going to tend to target older people in power. Wakaba and Kobayakawa may just in the wrong place at the wrong time—but that's still 40%; going brain dead in the real world is not safe.

On the upside, the only person we hear about having a mental shutdown and not dying immediately does begin to recover in the medium term. But Sae (a reliable source, unlike the TV news) tells us people "lose consciousness, never to recover"—which likely makes those odds a bit worse.

Based on this, I would be really hesitant about saying "mental shutdowns aren't fatal". 80% fatal is essentially "only not murder because I missed". Additionally, it looks like Shido and the SIU Director may sometimes send the Cleaner in to "clean up", when a shutdown victim doesn't die first time—for instance, he may have been responsible for that truck that hit Kobayakawa. Not sure about this one yet.

what about the psychotic breakdowns?

Again, a psychotic breakdown seems to make you rampage and do something you secretly want to do, but are usually restrained from by little things like morality and not hurting others. They often seem so targetted (Akechi gives X a psychotic breakdown to make them do useful thing Y) that I think there must be an interrogation element—like he talks to the shadow to see what it wants to do, and maybe has to take time to find one that will serve his purpose. For instance, if he wants a flashy subway accident, he can't CoC a random train driver who it turns out just wants to slam on the brakes and jerk off.

So the breakdowns are described as "accidents and scandals", because sometimes they're devastating, but sometimes someone just loses their mind and does something weird. Or they start swinging a knife around on a train.

And here we need to get into intent. Akechi doesn't have a death note, after all. He can't just write down "this guy smashes his train through several stations at top speed, eventually derails it with catastrophic effect, and nobody dies." He sends the driver in knowing the likelihood is that the result will be a lot of dead people.

Because that's what happens. Akechi starts the ball rolling, probably with a rough idea that it will serve the purpose he was assigned, and then he has to let it roll and see where it lands.

This is why almost the first thing that happens in the game is that we get told about a "rampage accident" that is fatal:

(I figured this list really deserved its own post.)

Here's the top item on that list again:

バス暴走死傷事故 basu bousou shishou jiko reckless bus driving accident that caused injuries and deaths

This is a really interesting choice for the top item in the list. It's a case of 暴走運転 bousou unten "reckless driving", sure. But Japanese players are going to get very used to that word bousou, very quickly, in the context of the 精神暴走事件 seishin bousou jiken—the psychotic breakdown cases.

This is an explicit link between the word bousou—Akechi's word that describes his unique signature skill and his effect on others and ultimately his combat style—and a fatal accident. And it's right up at the front of the game, when about all we know about "psychotic breakdowns" is that some girls were talking about them as a spooky occult thing, on the train into Shibuya. Like, they could have chosen almost any of the things on this list to make fatal. But it was this one, and IMO that's important. The subway train derailing may not have been fatal, but the first thing the game wants us to know about psychotic breakdowns is that a. that people are terrified by them, b. that they can be extremely dramatic, and c. that people die from them.

To address your question again, specifically: no, people (probably; see below) don't die just from having a psychotic breakdown. But nobody "just" has a psychotic breakdown. The point is to make them do something—and the thing they do may well be devastating, and cause devastating injuries, up to and including deaths. Or it may just be personally devastating.

but then there are the chats and news stories

There are a lot of in-game rumours about psychotic breakdowns, and a lot of what appears to be misinformation, mainly because the difference between psychotic breakdowns and mental shutdowns is not clear.

One rumour is that breakdowns lead to mental shutdowns: "those people end up going brain dead", "they become haijin during interrogation". Another is that "you suddenly pass out ... [and] die in a lot of pain". Well, rumours are rumours.

But we also hear that "the news is saying the [train] driver couldn't even speak when they tried asking him questions". Of course, we know the news is controlled... but then we have to ask ourself what else they aren't reporting on.

doesn't akechi give himself psychotic breakdowns

The quick answer here is no. You could maybe argue that he does when the only example we had was the engine room, but in the third semester we get his Showtime, when he uses it repeatedly to put himself into a berserker rage. It looks like it gives him a bit of a headache afterwards, or makes him dizzy.

Call of Chaos just doesn't seem to work the same on Akechi (or, for that matter, on the two ordinary shadows he casts it on) as it does on people's shadows, when it goes "up the chain" and controls them in the real world. The immediate thing I'd point out is that Akechi doesn't drool blood (that I've noticed, at least) and his eyes don't roll back in his head (you can see his irises, albeit tiny and extremely crazy). Akechi can still speak, though he doesn't make much sense. He's not entirely out of control (despite being in, seemingly, a blind killing rage, he never attacks Joker in the Showtime—and there's a plot bunny for anyone who wants to pick it up and run with it.)

He is not experiencing exactly what his victims do—though he's experiencing something very similar: a lifting of his "chains", his inhibitions. It really seems like a true psychotic breakdown may be something that lingers with you, that lasts a long time, that probably leaves you in ruins. I'm not sure we ever hear of anyone who had one and was fine afterwards, though I can't swear to this.

[wishful-seeker]

I think people should give kids more credit for knowing what they need.

When i was missing so much high-school i had to do summer school because i was not only physically ill but also very mentally unwell, sooooo many adults kept telling me to go to school, even though doing so made me have severe, debilitating panic attacks, and i was dealing with a lot of physical pain aswell. So many people said "you'll never amount to anything, man up and go to school." And i kept telling them "im sick and i know what my body needs." But nobody likes it when a 14-15 year old says that. God forbid a CHILD knows exactly what her body and mind needs, shes just a stupid kid how could she possibly know?

I promise your child actually knows what they're doing and what they need. Please listen to them. If you kid says they need to stay home from school there is a reason. Maybe its mental health, or physical health, but kids aren't stupid. I would like to see less of this ablism where a child that doesn't go to school is considered a bad child.

Do you know how many teachers hated me specifically for not being able to go to school? It didn't matter that i had a note saying every absence is excused by a doctor, they still assumed i was fooling my parents into letting their bratty child do whatever they wanted. They would ridicule me TO MY FACE and say I'd never pass. I did pass btw. I finished most of my school work on one single day of summer class because i missed a lot of that too. But i learned nothing, because i was BUSY BEING FUCKING SICK i had BETTER things to worry about. Idc what the excuse is, absence should never mean you fail a class or don't pass a grade. It is so ablist to assume that every student can follow THE VERY UNREASONABLE SCHEDULE of waking up at 4 to 5 am and being at school for 8 hours (WHEN YOU ONLY DO ACTUAL WORK FOR 4!!) and kids only getting 6 hours of sleep (WHEN A LOT NEED 9 TO 12!!!) for 5 fucking days (EVEN 4 WOULD BE BETTER!!) Its absolutely ridiculous and the only kids can do it are either able bodied, able minded, and even then they are more stressed than a child should ever be. And if they cant follow this schedule they are a Bad Person. I had teachers that literally treated me like a dog. I'd ask them for make up work and they would give me the most shitty and rude attitude i have ever seen. NO ONE has treated me worse about my health than teachers. It was because i was a kid. When i had to drop out of college for my disability, the teachers were incredibly respectful and wished me a speedy recovery and hoped id be back in their class next year.

Being sick as a child is one of the most isolating and angering experiences you will go through. Adults take every shitty thing they feel and throw it at you because you are a vulnerable child. They would never speak the way they speak to you to adults because then they'd get their ass beat or fucking killed. But because you are 15 years old, they will use you as a punching bag.

If your kid is sick, FUCKING LISTEN TO THEM!! i hate to burst your bubble but when i say "people know whats best for them more than anyone else" I MEAN KIDS TOO.

[dapg-otmebytheballs]

Someone mentioned in the tags of that post the times when it was taboo to write fic treating Dan's depression branding as serious and how those fics actually helped this person come to terms with their own mental health struggles (not adding the tags for privacy) and I think that really exemplifies why all these taboos around fiction are just causing repression and harm.

Others in the fandom have already talked about their experience being fic writers getting bullied off of platforms, and it's something we should hope not to repeat. Fiction is fiction at the end of the day, including rpf. It's meant for just a way to project some story that you want to or need to hear onto some characters. And every story out there, no matter how much you might personally hate it or think it's "romanticising" something awful, it still has an audience of at least one (the author) and possibly many more, for whom that story can work as anything from solace, to a safer way to deal with something that's too scary and intimidating in its real raw form, to much needed catharsis over bad shit happening in someone's life.

Fics on ao3 have tags and ratings, and most authors I've seen post even on tumblr take care to put ratings on them. If you have trouble with any of the tropes or with the sex or the kinks or the dark themes etc etc you can skip out of it, but to go seeking them and then saying "this causes harm to people who don't heed the warnings and still read it" is just being obtuse.

People are talking about how fucked up the wave of 'romanticising depression' was, but too many of us didn't have the language to be allowed to take our struggles seriously. Too many of us were too repressed, or surrounded by people who wouldn't be supportive, and sometimes you need that distance that comes from fiction and exaggerated themes and kind of unrealistic portrayals of mental health issues because that distance enables you to explore something about yourself that's too taboo to even consider outside of depressive jokes and fucked up fiction. Not just mental health either, a ton of horrible inhumane things are very real experiences that people have and they're too taboo to deal with head on for many of us.

Dan talking that openly about not being okay - even if it was framed as a joke - was one of the earliest outlets I had to think upon my own mental state. It's understandable that a lot of people are very uncomfortable with those jokes now, and that people were uncomfortable with certain kinds of fics (and probably still are). But repressing our expression and telling people they can't post something because it makes us uncomfortable is only going to take away some safe options of exploring really tough personal issues that might be the only thing helping someone face their struggles.

If it's not for you, it's not for you. Let's not repeat the mistakes of acting like it's not for anyone and can't help or mean something to anyone at all. Mind the ratings, mind the tags, and as always, mind your business ✌🏻🌸

[burning-sol]

Had a talk with someone about traumacore somewhat recently, and it's got me thinking about the weird backlash it got all over again. People seriously approached the subject matter with no nuance, no understanding, no want to understand, and ended up basically just telling traumatised people to go back to hiding where nobody else could see them.

People earnestly would ask, "but why do these artists have to use cute characters? they shouldn't have bad things happen to them," and not see the obvious answer bestowed upon them by they eyes. I wonder why people would be portraying innocent characters, arguably symbols of innocence in themselves, as going through bad, undeserving things. I wonder if there's any context there. At all. I wonder if the artists have any sort of experiences that they obviously blog about that could shed light on this.

"People shouldn't make trauma an aesthetic though," truly being the most mind numbing of takes as if you could, again, not just see what is being blogged and come to understand that despite being trauma'core' this art has no intention to be an aesthetic. "Well why don't they just choose a different name then," <- the words of someone who has no idea how communities or linguistics develop. Sometimes the words and labels that come to be aren't well fitted to what is being represented, but that's just how shit works. For example, I personally don't like a particular ship name in my community, I think it's confusing and ill fit, but am I going to call those people bad because of a name that has come to be integral to the community? No. The community in the time before I was even active came together to make that ship name, and has become attached to it, and it's not my right to say that nobody should use it because it doesn't fit perfectly.

"But what if people are harmed by the art." You can avoid it?? Block the tag. And if someone goes out of their way to trigger themselves by not blocking it and engaging with it, that's none of your business, and you're not at fault for someone else's issues. Mental health is fucked up and it's not your place to speak over other people and say what's good for them when everyone heals and improves in different ways at different rates. You know what's actually harmful? The fact that trauma victims are likely to be victims of trauma again, and there are people on the internet who seek them out KNOWING this. The traumatised people minding their own business and making art to comfort themselves (which can also be comforting for others to see) are not the problem here. Tired of traumatised people being talked over by others who have no clue what its like to live that life, trying to tell them what is or isn't acceptable and what they think they should do to heal. It's NOT your trauma to bear, and it's NOT your trauma to heal.

And leaving my least favourite for last, I've seen people who don't HATE traumacore, but still feel the need to make fun of it (in a not friendly way) because of the artistic choices at play. I do think traumacore can look silly, but so can a lot of art depending on your own sensibilities. Sometimes what people think are well rendered art pieces, I think are too maximalist for me to not giggle at. And I'm allowed to giggle to myself, but would I then go about saying, "how does ANYONE take this seriously???" Ideally not, because that would make me a self centered asshole. Sometimes you have to let yourself sit with art for a while rather than just glancing at it passingly and brushing it off. Look at the art and sit with it, engage with it, earnestly recognise the elements at play and the style and the intentions behind the artwork. Art can exist outside your sensibilities and that does not dimish it in any capacity, that just means it's not for you.

Also, to point out the obvious, so obvious I nearly forgot to make this point, YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF ART ABOUT A *VERY* SENSITIVE TOPIC. But let's not forget this art is not only ABOUT trauma as a general subject matter, but also a lot of the art can be tied inextricably to specific incidents the artist has experienced. These aren't just vague pieces of art that say "what if hello kitty was sad and hurt," this is art that can be horrifying recounts of what someone actually experienced. There is someone on the other end who has been hurt, and you're laughing at the work they made to express that. "But what if they aren't trauma victims like you say," I was engaged with the traumacore community for I don't know how many months and I NEVER came across art that wasn't made by someone without trauma. Even people who reposted traumacore were still people who were victims of trauma. These blogs were all run by people, ALL blogs have people behind them, and it's no surprise that every blog I came across was ran by someone who was traumatised.

Traumacore is not a silly trend people want to hop on. People who 'hop on the trend' are usually people who have recognised for the first time that they've been traumatised, because it's quite literally a symptom that trauma victims are unable to recognise or acknowledge their own traumas. And even if people WERE hopping on it as a trend, making fun of them still harms the others who are engaging with the art earnestly. You can't just trash an entire community because there are a couple of bad actors, that's just shitty behaviour.

So yeah, that's my big rant on why people who make traumacore are the coolest and I love them and their art and I think traumacore deserves to exist and be respected. For fucks sake, just think about something for more than two seconds or, idk, actually try to engage with the community and art before you just to conclusions. The answers to your questions are literally right there in the text itself, you just gotta put in the effort to read it and process it.

[late-to-the-magnus-archives]

Snippet of CORRUPTED - Magnus Archives x Malevolent fic

Danny Stoker died trying to keep a weird, cursed book away from some very bad people. Tim opened the book, and has been thrust into an entirely new world.

A snippet in which Tim is growing increasingly concerned about whatever has taken up residence in his head.

And in which some of that being's nature begins to slip through...

-------------

A few kabobs later, Tim feels significantly better. Stable blood sugar is a hell of a thing.

He still hates not being able to see. It’s awful. It’s terrifying.

But John is doing a really good job of keeping him safe, and as long as Tim tells himself this will be over soon, he’s all right.

He has to be all right.

Tim also tells himself not to think too much about Bouchard’s description of John.

That was… not a safe-sounding creature. And maybe Tim is just being some sort of speciesist, but he doesn’t know how to approach the topic at all.

It brings to mind again the question of why John had been bound in a book held by humans.

It brings to mind again that John is manipulative, and is controlling. And Tim is more than fine with both of those things in certain circumstances, but depending on the guy to stay alive is definitely not one of them.

It brings to mind the question: what else is in that book that John cannot see?

Tim believes Bouchard. Something else is in there.

He wonders if it’s safe in the backpack. “Hey, John?”

The shop we need is about twenty steps ahead and to your right. Yes?

“Is the book safe? Should I, like, wrap it in my belt, or something, so it doesn’t open in the bag?”

It won’t matter if it opens in the bag. It could fall down a cliff and flutter completely agape, revealing its perverseness to the seagulls, and nothing would happen. It must be opened by a living, sentient being.

“Wow. If they could go that far, you’d think they’d put some kind of lock on it, yeah? A safeword, or something.”

John sounds amused. You mean a fail-safe? Or a password, perhaps?

“Sure, whatever. Still, that’s good to know. Wouldn’t want to release Cthulhu in the middle of London.”

No, we wouldn’t want to do that, says John with absolutely no inflection at all. Store to your right, now.

Oh, that wasn’t spooky. Nope!

Tim sighs. It’s still early morning, he tells himself. There’s safety in that, even if he can’t see the daylight. 

John doesn’t have a body, Tim tells himself. He’s not Cthulhu, either, since that is an old-timey story by a crazy dead racist. (Speciesist, Tim’s brain adds.) 

He’s safe, he tells himself. It’s not like weird gray-skinned monsters are going to come at him on a busy London street.

John directs him into the store, which turns out to be a health-food, raw sugar, vitamins-the-size-of-thumbs kind of place. There, John directs him to buy just… stuff.

A block of salt. Six small candles, unscented. Various herbs. A hand-built clay bowl. Matches. Distilled water. Rubbing alcohol. 

Then they leave, and find a hardware store, and John directs him to buy a length of rope, a hammer, six cleat hooks, one plastic pipe, and one copper.

Tim has played games and read books and seen movies, and cannot for the life of him figure out what all of this is supposed to do.

Very good, Tim, says John, who has obviously figured out Tim likes to be praised. Now we need a place to cast. I do not suggest your apartment, as we need to keep that location completely separate. 

“Cast?”

Yes.

“I’m going to cast a spell?”

We are.

Tim’s not sure about that. “You… how are you going to be casting it?”

In the same way that your thoughts can sink into me, my power can just barely be lent to you - not much, or it would hurt you, or break your mind, and I have no need to do that.

The unspoken right now might only be in Tim’s head.

He hopes it’s only in his head.

“You’re going to make me magical for five minutes, or something?”

Less time than that. As I said, I don’t want to burn you out, and unless you have an affinity for magic, using it would harm you with longer exposure.

“So I don’t have an affinity for magic?”

Well, we don’t know, do we? Have you ever tried to cast it?

Tim snorts. “Have I ever tried to cast the thing I didn’t think existed twelve hours ago? Yeah, no.”

Then we’re going to find out, and I’d rather that not result in your harm. Now, as I said: we need a place where we won’t be disturbed.

Tim thinks for a moment. His heart pings painfully, and he has to rub his eyes dry.

Tim?

“Sorry, just… Danny. Got into exploring derelict buildings not too long ago. It’s what I thought he was still doing when he showed up ranting about cultists, but… I'm pretty sure he knew some places. We need to go back to my flat and get his laptop. For his pictures, and… all of that.”

Mister Smooth is in the metaphorical building. Of course, Tim. Whatever we need to do. I’m sorry for your loss.

“Look, don’t… don’t do that.”

Do what? Even smoother.

“You’ve got one hell of a set of pipes, and we both know it, but you whip out that voice every time I get upset. And I don’t think you’re doing it to comfort me.”

Why else would I be doing it, Tim?

It’s not a flat tone. He’s not angry. He’s testing the waters.

Tim doesn’t want him angry. He needs him to fucking navigate. “I don’t know. I just… I don’t want to be manipulated. I know I’m all kinds of fucked right now, okay? Fragile. So maybe I’m being prickly, but…”

I have no reason to wish you any harm, Tim. If I have chosen a manner of speaking to you with the goal of it being effective, perhaps you should ask yourself what effect I’m trying to achieve.

Huh. That was… kind of hard to just argue with. Tim is still sure in his gut that it’s another form of bossiness, but the goal of the bossiness wasn’t one he’d considered. “Hm.”

Shall we go back to your apartment? John isn’t pushing.

Suspiciously not pushing. Maybe he wants Tim to think about it.

Or maybe Tim's still feeling paranoid because of the spooky Eye god. “Fuck that place,” Tim mutters.

What? Ah - the Institute?

“It’s still messing with my head.”

There’s a pause. I wonder if we can block him.

“Who, Bouchard?”

It might be unwise. We could anger his god. But… it might be satisfying, too.

“We can do that?”

Let’s complete this conjuring first. I need to see how you take it - if you’re in any way harmed, Tim, we won’t be doing it again.

There’s a weird little thrill in him - the same kind of thrill he had when he realized he could outrun everyone else in track and field, the same little thrill when he realized he had a skill for editing almost no one around him possessed, the same little thrill (though a touch more complicated) when he realized he did, indeed, like all the genders in whatever configuration they came.

“You think I could do magic?” he says.

I don’t know yet. We’ll see.

Tim suddenly snickers. “Are you telling me I could actually be a wizard called Tim?”

John laughs.

It’s a real laugh, not a chuckle - a deep and genuine guffaw.

It’s also possibly the wickedest sound Tim has ever heard. There’s something terrible in it, like it’s often cruel, and it feels like a sound so bottomless he could fall in it, screaming, forever.

That reference is far too old for you, isn’t it? John finally says. 

“Do not tell me you’re familiar with Monty Python.”

And why not?

“It… it’s just weird, is all.” Unnerving. “How the hell long have you been on Earth, anyway?”

Oh, Tim… the things I could tell you.

And then John doesn’t.

“Okay,” says Tim, slowly. “So. Um.” Choice time: pursue that spooky line of questioning, or just go the hell home?

“Let’s go the hell home,” he says. “Need the bus number?”

No, I remember. Turn around. The closest stop is behind us.

John remembered that?

Had he already been looking for a bus stop?

Tim knows that if he’d been in the position of having to navigate through some dude’s eyes, he wouldn’t have been focusing on surroundings enough to catch that.

John is… scary smart, actually.

Combining that with the manipulative tendencies, the bossiness, the obviously good memory…

Tim?

“Sorry. Right.”

It has to be obvious he’s lost in thought, but John doesn’t push.

Of course he doesn’t. It wouldn’t be scary smart to do that, would it?

A few more steps. Stop. It says the bus should be along in about fifteen minutes.

Since last night, Tim’s been running from cultists, from gray-skinned claw-monsters, from an eyeball god and its creepy priest.

For the first time, he genuinely wonders if he’s in serious danger from John, too.

Some of that must be getting through. Water in porous stone. You’re going to be all right, Tim. 

“You don’t know that.”

How about this, then: you’ve shown yourself worthy of reward, throughout this. I will see to it that you receive it.

Funny. After all the casual humor and the relatability of shared media, John has casually dropped an abjectly alien and terrifying sentence.

“Glad… to know I’ve fit your standards?” Tim says after a moment. “Though there’s not a lot you can do to make that happen.”

Not yet. But the time is coming soon when I will.

Oh, fuck me, Tim thinks. “Um… how?”

Would you like to know why I was in that book?

Would he? “Yes!”

Home. We do this conjuring. If you handle it well, Tim, I’ll show you.

Was it his imagination, or was something… bad about the way he said that? “And if I don’t handle it well?”

Then I will just tell you.

And that would disappoint John.

Tim exhales slowly. I am in so much trouble, he thinks.”So this conjuring will find some power to help us.”

That’s the idea.

Then they really had to do it. It was that or go back to Bouchard, and Tim would rather eat a rat. “All right.”

Bus.

They’re both quiet on the way home.

Without meaning to, Tim dozes until they’re about twenty minutes from his stop. 

John lets him rest.

[sttoru]

Hi. ✌️ I'm writing this as I'm feeling very low, so I'm sorry if it doesn't really make sense, but I've been struggling with my body image lately. 😓😓

Tw: body image struggles, sadness, negativity, bullying, mentions of being underweight.

For some unknown reason, I've been feeling very unsatisfied with the way I look. I've been struggling to accept my face and body. I used to feel like this when I was like, twelve or something, and then it got better, but, sometimes, like now, I get hit by so many insecurities... 🥲

The beauty standard, for women, where I live is to be curvy (because people love having something to grab).

And I never cared about that until I started going to school and my classmates would talk behind my back about how I was way too thin, way too flat, way too boney, too underweight. About how nobody would ever want me. Saying that my skin was too ugly (because I have freckles and I'm always covered in bruises, my skin is very thin, so it's easy to be marked), that nobody would like to hold me because it would be like hugging a pile of hard uncomfortable bones and then they'd point out "imperfections" that I never even noticed - my stretch marks around my thighs, my asymmetrical nose, my uneven knees, my dimples, my big front teeth, etc.

Having your body trashed by others is so hurtful, even when it isn't directed to me. 😣 Why are these people judging other people on the way they look? In such a superficial way? They didn't choose to be born this way. They are just. There. Trying to live their lives naturally. Why does it bother people so much the way you look? And then they make you hate yourself too, because no one likes having their "flaws" and insecurities called out and made fun of. And the worst part of it: if someone else has the same "flaws" as you, you won't think it looks that bad on them. 😐

Growing up was hard, and I grew to, not love, but accept myself as me. Still, those words linger in the back of my mind. Those are the things I keep on thinking about before falling asleep, while shopping for clothes, while eating, while staring at the mirror. I hate that their words are affecting me until now. I hate feeling so miserable about how I look. Do you have any advice on how to love yourself? On how to heal better from years of receiving hate?

I hope you have a great day and I hope I'm not bothering you. 😅

hellloo! sorry for the late response, i was quite busy :< i’m also very sorry to hear that you feel like that and i surely hope that what i’m going to say helps you somehow. in any kind of way, hopefully.

if your struggles get unbearable, please contact nearby (mental) health care services or friends. remember that there’s always someone out there who care for you for who you are <

first of all, no one deserves to go through such a thing. it’s horrible — that people call others out on things they can barely have any influence on, like how someone looks. never ever should anybody comment on another ones’ looks. shouldn’t ever be considered okay.

unfortunately, nowadays it’s like its normal. i see it every day, people and especially women getting trashed by thousands of unwanted comments from both men and women about their body. being too fat, being too skinny, being too dark skinned, having stretch marks : it’s literally impossible to be a woman, like america ferrera said in the barbie movie (saying the latter assuming you are a woman or identify as one). people will always feel like criticising someone else’s body or face, no matter what you change or try.

there’s lots of reasons for that; some just like to project, others tend to focus too much on the beauty standards that are institutionalised into their brains due to all kinds of social media platforms. you also have some people who love to hate because they want to feel better about themselves; aka insecurities. if they see someone who they think is less attractive than them, they tend to instantly downgrade them to make themselves feel better. it sucks — really does. but that says a lot about them as a person (trash LOL).

so those people who said all of those horrible things to you when you were young, probably did it due to one of the reasons stated above. and let me tell you, all reasons stated above do NOT justify their harsh words. it’s childish and immature to say all those words to you — they’re immature and need therapy themselves to grow out of that mindset of needing to bring other people down.

thus i can promise you that the right (mature) people do NOT care about how you look. the healthy & healed people who learnt that harsh words can easily influence another’s mind for years on end, do not ever trash you for your looks or insecurities. EVER. nor do people who actually realise just how harmful beauty standards are to the average human.

it’s unfortunate that those weren’t the people who were around you during your childhood and i’m sorry for that.

i’m sure you’re just fine. i hope you meet people who love you for who you are, people who love you inside and out no matter what or how you look. there are people out there that i’m sure you’ll meet one day whom will help you heal those open wounds from your past.

but, you can’t just sit around and wait on those people to come heal you. at the end of the day, it’s your body, your life, your thoughts. it’s tough to heal alone — but that’s a good start. slowly starting to learn to love yourself again will bring you all the peace you need.

it’s not a quick journey, believe me. it’s gonna be tough, you are going to slip and fall, but remember that your future is in your hands. not in the validation or words of others: your future is yours and so is your life.

my advice on how to love yourself after all those draining years is to spend more time with yourself. i know it sounds harsh, but getting to know your mind and self can put yourself at complete ease. what can you do to improve your understanding of yourself?

- keep a journal. don’t have to write in it every day, but each time you want to vent — write in it. if you feel too lazy to write, let off your steam in your notes app. or too lazy to type? talk out loud to yourself or voice record it.

- reflect on your journal. think about your feelings — ask why? questions. search for the possible problems behind your feelings. dissect those problems and search for possible solutions.

example: you feel sad again, because of your remembrance of what others had said to you in the past -> accept the situation; understand why you feel the way you feel -> think of those people and realise and accept that they’re in the past and you’re living in the future (as impossible and harsh as that sounds)

your future is in your hands — your future is something that you can CHANGE. the past is unchanging, you can’t undo what they said. you can’t undo the experiences. once again, as harsh as that sounds. accepting and moving on is a life long process which starts with teaching yourself exactly that.

a fresh new start = a fresh new chapter in your life. in your future. your present.

- learn to live in the present. againnnn, sounds impossible, but it takes time to accept this. you cannot undo what has happened nor can you undo that it has influenced you. that’s why people HEAL: you heal from your wounds, you don’t undo them. why? because you can’t undo them. you get hurt and accept the pain and the fact you got hurt. then you can start the process of healing, which you can only do if you move forward.

try your best to not hang in the past and focus on the present and future which lays in your hands.

- whenever you think back to whom or what hurt you, consider the value of it for your personal growth. is it negative? think about it if needed, accept it, nod, shrug and ultimately leave it behind because it will not help you personally in the future; you have no need for that stuff that will only get in the way of your journey to love yourself.

think about it for as long as you need, but make sure the thoughts get left behind. if you do not accept and do not stop thinking about those negative things, they will stick for the rest of your life and only make it more unbearable. (i call it the TAM method: ‘think, accept, move on’)

i know it sounds impossible, but trust me, it works once you get used to it.

of course, it doesn’t always work. and it is not bad to sometimes be unable to, it’s a looooong progress and journey, but as long as you keep doing what i said above — it will eventually come to you naturally. (i hope.)

- self care days! or mental health days, they call it. take some days for yourself, where you do your favorite things and just try to relax the best you can. example; take a walk with some music on, draw, watch your comfort series etc. etc. to get your mood up!! do this weekly. i do it on fridays after school/work because that’s when i feel best. but its always up to you to choose when to do them (can just be whnever you need a break from life).

lastly, i recommend (if you are able to afford it) to see a therapist or psychologist. they can give you the necessary tools and advice to help with your problems properly. it can also help if you talk it out with someone.

i’m always here to listen more to you. always here to help. my dms are also open and i will try to respond asap. remember that beauty standards do not define you for who you are: everyone’s unique, special and beautiful in their own way.

i myself may not love myself or accept myself fully yet, but the more i realise why other people say or do hurtful things, the more i accept that life is always going to be that way. there are always going to be people who criticise you no matter what. it’s a harsh world we live in — a harsh industry with lots of people whom haven’t healed or have gotten out of their institutionalised toxic mindsets. mind you; some never do.

that’s why associating yourself with such individuals will only bring you down. learn to disassociate yourself from them and that includes anything they’ve said to you — leave them to rot away in their own unbearable and toxic thoughts. live your life. it’s yours and no one can change or lead it for you. not their words nor their actions can change your present and future; only if you choose to allow them to.

focusing on yourself and wanting to love yourself and grow as a person gives you autonomy and authority about your own life. take that path and remember that it takes time to heal & accept yourself <3

LOVE YOU!

[mintyeels]

BYF/DNI

Call me Splat or Scissors. I go by xe/god/slime/it. I prefer masculine language.

Alright fuckers, this is my honesty account! Im gonna be keeping this separate from my mains for a good fucking reason because like fuck am I losing all my damn moots and shit for this <3

I am (or we are) a polyfrag multigenic system with npd, bpd aspd, and possible hpd along with several other mental illnesses. I experience psycosis, I have adhd and autism, and I have several controversial special interests. Get used to that if you stay here.

I will not censor my thoughts here. If you wanna be friends then you should know im a two-faced cowardly bitch who loves attention and pushing others away. I do not fucking trust you <3

That being said if I say something bigoted or unjust, lmk. I’m incredibly aware of my potential impact on others, and I pride myself on being helpful, non-harmful, and using progressive language. I am physically disabled.

(That is to say, in non aspd language: pls lmk if I say smth offensive. I genuinely want to learn and become more aware, as its important to me that im not harming others with my language or actions. Call my bullshit out (politely!) and I will be more than willing to accommodate and adjust!)

I am currently in an environment where I cannot safely seek treatment or therapy for my personality disorders & systemhood at the moment, however I am educated on mental health, mental illness, and psychology (self researched). I also plan to pursue a career in social work or psychology.

With that context it should be clear that I DO NOT self-diagnose myself lightly. I am not making light of, purposefully demonizing, or making a bad name for people with these disorders. I am simply being honest about how they affect my life and outlook on this blog.

I have been medically recognized as a system, and don’t give a fuck what you think of my origin or pronouns. Mind your fucking business and shut your fucking mouth.

Self diagnosis is valid. Endogenics are safe and accepted here. Introjects are real (I cant believe I have to say that). I refuse to call source memories/exomemories “psuedomemories,” as it is invalidating imo.

My proper BYF is much longer, but here’s the gist. [late addition, im anti-sexual age-regression (CGLG/LB [squick] or CGLG/LB agere [immoral imo]), and pro-nonsexual age-regression. sfw regressors are welcome here, though please be aware that this blog is not always child/little-friendly!]

(ID: A black box with neon green text reading, “DNI: PRO-CONTACT FOR HARMFUL PARAPHILIAS, TRUSCUM/TRANSMED, ANTI-NEO PRONOUN, TERF/SWERF/RADFEM, SYSCOURSE/DISCOURSE BLOG, EXCLUSIONIST, TRANSRACE, ANTI-MSPEC IDENTITIES, POLICE LGBT TERMS/IDENTITIES, ANTI-AGEREGRE/ANTI-LITTLE, CTLG/B (AGEREGRE), ANTI-KINK, ANTI ENDO/TULPA, DON’T RESPECT CLOSED PRACTICES, TRANSID/TRANSX (EXEPT TRANSSPECIES AND TRANSAGE IN GOOD FAITH), ANTI-NEOPRONOUNS, GENDERSKEPTICAL/CRITICAL”)

My spins (special interests are):

Hermitcraft

Zombies

Apocalypses

Art

Shifting (scientific interest)

Dsmp (dream sucks.)

Slimecicle

Slimecicle cinematic universe

Ranboo

AstralSpiff

Asmr

Video games

Categories of suicide and/or muder

Witchcraft/paganism

The sorry boys

Half-life/Portal

Systemhood

Mental health

Personality disorders

Creepypasta

Marble hornets

Scp

Indie Horror

The forest

Batim/batdr

Poppy playtime

Resident evil

[banditomojado]

Roberto’s Spooky Season Binge 2024:

Halloween (2018)

We interrupt your hourly scroll through tumblr for another entry in RSSB 2024! For this entry I’ll be reviewing/discussing Halloween 2018! Obviously Carpenter’s original 1978 classic is mandatory viewing for any horror fan, and is arguably the best slasher ever made. That being said, Halloween as a franchise has suffered through far too many bad sequels over the years, so back when they announced this direct sequel/reboot (“requel” if you must, ugh), I was understandably skeptical or even down right cynical that it could work. So what did I think after finally watching it today? My spoiler thoughts and review below!

Okay so straight up, I LOVED this freakin’ movie. There are so many reasons why this movie works not only as a requel but also as a modern slasher. But before I get into all the good juicy parts, I felt like for this one I should go ahead and get my one issue with the movie over with first. Apologies in advance for having to be “that guy”. So yeah, let’s talk about that opening scene. Not gonna lie, it felt pretty gross. The dated and dehumanizing depictions of people with severe mental illnesses stands out here. Now, to be fair, the movie does go out of its way to make it clear to the audience that Michael is simply pure evil (often hilariously I must add, but more on that later) and that trying to look for any deeper meaning behind his murderous ways is a fool's errand. Still, having him be surrounded by other chained up patients, who by all accounts aren’t serial killers, who then go into a state of agitation when scummy journalist guy attempts to provoke Michael, well it got a little too close to exploitative for my tastes. It doesn’t help that the one “mental health professional” in the movie is also your stereotypical quack (who then graduates to straight up murderer) and that the movie even goes out of its way to tell you that the other patients/prisoners who escaped were not only recaptured without issue, they were just wondering around confused. For most, this is likely not a big deal, and I totally understand that. The movie otherwise is sharply written and very self-aware of its status in the horror canon, so one could argue the movie itself is trying to tell the viewer to lighten up and enjoy this absurd horror ride for what it is: A good ol’ fashioned slasher made for the modern age. I’ll let you guys decide how y’all feel about it, but yeah, sorry I just had to bring it up.

With that unpleasant business out of the way, let’s get into what works! The slasher sub-genre lives and dies on the scariness of the killer, inventive kills, and an interesting and well-written cast of sacrificial lambs, erm, I mean characters that could die at any moment. Check, check, and check! 2018’s Michael may be in his 60’s canonically, but our boy hasn’t lost a step! He’s still the same horrifying and violently effective force of nature we all know. As I mentioned earlier, the movie is very self-aware and sharply written, which often serves to provide the audience with well-executed fan-fare, cheeky call-backs, and surprisingly funny moments. While this movie noticeably lacks the haunting and menacing atmosphere of the original, it manages to carve out its own unique identity and boldly reaffirms its status as horror royalty. It cares not for today’s “elevated horror” trends, and hilariously goes out of its way to poke fun at the fans of that kind of horror. The purposely scummy journalists at the beginning who want to “get inside” of the mind of Michael getting killed immediately was hilarious. Speaking of which, it also comes as no surprise that Dr. Quack was the victim of the movies grisliest kill, a hilarious final “fuck you” to uppity horror fans who insist the slasher genre holds little artistic value and has “nothing to say”.

"Say something." LOL *STOMP*

Can’t go much further without mentioning Jamie Lee Curtis and her badass performance. As one of the most iconic scream queens, it was so awesome to see her back and this time kick some ass! I was curious to see what direction they would take with her return and I think what they wrote works. Deeply traumatized from the original’s events, Lori has spent her life living in constant paranoia and preparation for the return of her would-be killer. Curtis nails every scene, showing the full nuance of a damaged survivor who tried to prepare her daughter for the worst, but ended up alienating herself from her family. You feel for her when she breaks down during the family dinner scene, but more importantly you believe the conviction in her eyes as the viewer approaches the final act. She’s ready to kill or be killed tonight. 

The rest of the characters are all great in their relative supporting roles. We get plenty of unlikeable but comedic characters that we get to enjoy watching get killed off in cool ways, which is a must for the genre. It’s pretty easy to tell in slasher’s which characters are gonna get the ax, but the movie also keeps you on your toes by killing off genuinely likeable characters too. The pacing is solid and the viewer never goes too long without seeing another body added to the count. The Strode women are obviously the heart of the movie and we get a lot of good scenes with them. I do wish we could have gotten more of Judy Greer’s Karen since I was most curious to see how she would be affected by her mothers trauma, but what we do get is perfect and Greer nails all of her scenes (that “gotcha” scene? Pure badassery). Allyson is also a great addition and I think casting a little-known actress like they did with Curtis back in 78’ was the right move. As we all know now, 2018”s Halloween was the first installment of a new trilogy, so there’s a lot of pressure on a character like Allyson to be well performed and accepted as the heir apparent to Curtis’s scream queen title in the franchise and I think she nails it. Knowing in advance that I was getting into a trilogy, Karen's and Allyson's somewhat lacking character exploration is understandable, thus I was extra curious to see how this movie would decide to end. You can’t launch a successful new trilogy on the back of a weak ending to the first installment after all!

And what a final act it was! Ahhh so many badass moments to choose from. What I loved most is how expertly the roles are reversed in the end. Laurie has now become the predator, and giving her some of Michaels iconic shots from the original was so cool to watch. The two that stand out are the shot with her coming out of the shadows behind Michael to attack him, and her giving Miachael a taste of his own medicine by disappearing after she falls out the window and he turns away from her body for a second. I was geeking out for most of this and the shot of three generations of Strode women staring down upon their caged prey while everything engulfs in flames was fucking epic. This really becomes a story of women overcoming generational trauma and getting revenge on their tormentors and I’m all here for it! Honestly, I would have liked for the story to have ended there. But two more were made and I must admit I’m nervous about them ruining it after such a great start! Not sure if I’ll get to them for this year's binge, but hopefully they nailed it! 

Final Rating: 9.5

I had a blast watching Halloween 2018 and I think that’s what the creatives were going for! A witty, confident requel of an all-time classic, Halloween 2018 succeeds in every area a slasher should, and more than earns its place among the canon. Curtis is at her best returning as Laurie, and Michael is still as menacing as he was back then. Fun fact, the original Michael Myers actor returned for this, which I think is so fucking cool! While I do wish the story would have ended here, I’m cautiously optimistic for the next two entries. The movie works well as a stand-alone, but make no mistake about it, this was a work of love from hardcore fans, for hardcore fans of the original.

[jaidonschool]

R.e.p.e.t.i.t.i.o.n.

We Are All Copies

We live the same story again and again. Each human life passing with the same plot. Each relationship, each profession. We play out each day driven toward the same fictions, the same feelings.

Yet the world keeps turning. And we need something to do.

Driven by desires to self-reinvent, become, belong, create, contribute, progress… humans recite the same verses time and again in our own voices.

It's the rhythm of our society – maybe even our species – maybe even all life: Reproduce. Survive.

Success and Consumerism

Among the lifestyles of our time, consumerism is one of the dominant strains. It deepens our hunger and feeds us; serving up fast food, fast fashion, hobbies, identities, addiction, [usually shallow] self-transformation, education, downward spirals, upward spirals, and the rest of the 10,000 things.

Though it does have destructive shortsighted tendencies –spreading like a life-sucking cancer destroying biological, cultural, and social ecosystems, and leaving suffering, anomic cultures, poor mental health, and pollution in its wake– perhaps it's also most fit, outcompeting other lifestyles. It's highly profitable, self fulfilling, decentralized, resilient, and widespread.

Many people's initial reaction is belief in reversal: degrowth, taming desires, slow living. Another common reaction is belief in technology: solarpunk living, renewable energy, post-scarcity economics. Though, these reactions often get convoluted in identity politics or drown in hallow buzzwords.

I personally navigate the grey area via longterm thinking, mindfulness, dispassionate critical reasoning, first principals thinking, and curiosity.

Reguardless of its morality, growth in this climate requires reproduction.

Repetition is boredom. Repetition is celebration.

I often bore of repetition and hunger for innovation. To imagine, experience, or feel something new and maybe strange.

Yet at times I celebrate repetition: the entrancing rhythms of electronic music, the focusing and flow inducing homework edits, the satisfying coherence of design systems and lightroom presets, a stable home.

The difference is in where art is "to be seen". The art of business is in innovative business models, distribution, marketing strategies… The art of conceptual painting is in an innovative message or means of delivery. The art of manufacturing can even be in creating perfect standardized copies. The art of olympic sports is in perfected performance for scoring points under a strict rule set.

Design's Lie

The art of design is understanding where to place emphasis and flair, and where to refrain and repeat.

The dream of designers is that you can develop literacy in adding flair. If you are skilled enough, you know how, when, and where to add emphasis. And developing these skills will determine your ability to earn positive reception.

But I no longer believe it.

A host of factors command where repetition (and novelty) is good vs bad: consumer tastes, operational constraints, the business's financial constraints, etc. These factors are so contextual, nuanced, and everchanging. To grasp them, you have to understand how the underlying systems are working. And at best, only hard work and first hand experience can grant you partial understanding at any given time.

Discovering the best way to do something –where, how, and when to add flair in a particular situation– is really time consuming and takes many iterations. Yet it is relatively durable. Once you nail it, you can repeat it for as long as possible, and focus on something else.

Photography

My photographs may be repetitive. This is not bad. I think I'm honing the larger message I want to say. All photographers are finding better answers to the same question: "What should I shoot?"

Doing corporate work is not boring. The art is not often in imaginative or expressive visuals. It may be in the subtitles of communication (like the work of Kenya Hara), in efficiently making money, or even in the financial earnings of an employee on autopilot.

[ Right now, one of my favorite aesthetics is in Helvetica, unedited photographs, Massimo Vignelli, the subtle elegance of Kansai food, and "tasting the ingredients". While the creations themselves may not appear innovative, they draw attention to reality, making the content, the present moment, or life itself the art; in a way that has proven timeless and enduring. ]

[aquoteamusetheword]

THE INDICATOR OF PRAYER

One of my favorite stories on prayer, from one of my favorite authors...enjoy.

“It is not your business to succeed but to do right: when you have done so, the rest lies with God.” ~ C. S. Lewis

One of my favorite adventures in prayer involves Doug Coe, who has a ministry in Washington, D.C. that mostly involves people in politics and statecraft.

Doug became acquainted with Bob, an insurance salesman who was completely unconnected with any government circles. Bob became a Christian and began to meet with Doug to learn about his new faith. One day, Bob came in all excited about a statement in the Bible where Jesus says, “Ask whatever you will in my name, and you shall receive it.” “Is that really true?” Bob demanded. Doug explained, “Well, it’s not a blank check. You have to take it in context of the teachings of the whole Scripture on prayer. But yes—it really is true. Jesus really does answer prayer.” “Great!” Bob said. “Then I gotta start praying for something. I think I’ll pray for Africa.” “That’s kind of a broad target. Why don’t you narrow it down to one country?” Doug advised. “All right. I’ll pray for Kenya.” “Do you know anyone in Kenya?” Doug asked. “No.” “Ever been to Kenya?” “No.” Bob just wanted to pray for Kenya.

So, Doug made an unusual arrangement. He challenged Bob to pray every day for six months for Kenya. If Bob would do that and nothing extraordinary happened, Doug would pay him five hundred dollars. But if something remarkable did happen, Bob would pay Doug five hundred dollars. Bob began to pray, and for a long while nothing happened. Then one night he was at a dinner in Washington. The people around the table explained what they did for a living. One woman said she helped run an orphanage in Kenya—the largest of its kind. “You’re obviously very interested in my country,” the woman said to Bob, overwhelmed by his sudden barrage of questions. “You’ve been to Kenya before?” “No.” “You know someone in Kenya?” “No.” “Then how do you happen to be so curious?” “Well, someone is kind of paying me five hundred dollars to pray. . ..” She asked Bob if he would like to come visit Kenya and tour the orphanage. Bob was so eager to go, he would have left that very night if he could.

When Bob arrived in Kenya, he was appalled by the poverty and the lack of basic health care. Upon returning to Washington, he couldn’t get this place out of his mind. He began to write to large pharmaceutical companies, describing to them the vast need he had seen. He reminded them that every year they would throw away large amounts of medical supplies that went unsold. “Why not send them to this place in Kenya?” he asked. This orphanage received more than a million dollars’ worth of medical supplies.

The woman called Bob up and said, “Bob, this is amazing! We’ve had the most phenomenal gifts because of the letters you wrote. We would like to fly you back over and have a big party. Will you come?” So, Bob flew back to Kenya. While he was there, the president of Kenya came to the celebration, because it was the largest orphanage in the country, and offered to take Bob on a tour of Nairobi, the capital city. In the course of the tour, they saw a prison. Bob asked about a group of prisoners there. “They’re political prisoners,” he was told. “That’s a bad idea,” Bob said brightly. “You should let them out.” Bob finished the tour and flew back home.

Sometime later, Bob received a phone call from the State Department of the United States government: “Is this Bob?” “Yes.” “Were you recently in Kenya?” “Yes.” “Did you make any statements to the president about political prisoners?” “Yes.” “What did you say?” “I told him he should let them out.” And he did.

How about you?

What are you praying for? Give it six months. I won’t promise you five hundred dollars, but I will give you a refund on the cost of this book. To the contrary, if something extraordinary does happen, you have to write and tell me about it.

‘Water-Walking’ ~ Joh Ortberg

‘And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.’ ~John 14: 13-14

[unfilteredgrounds]

Scraps

CW: I don't plan on anyone reading this but this is a public profile and I want people to be informed so if for some reason you are here and have peepers on this, please be aware that this post will talk about triggering topics involving eating.

I never thought that I'd be someone who struggles with food. It's kind of surprising that I'm surprised, considering the wii fit board called me morbidly obese when I was in middle school (I was tall for my age and the BMI scale is a lie) and my mom immediately whipped out the weight loss stuff. My mother has never modeled a healthy relationship with food, so how I'm shocked I struggle to eat sometimes is beyond me. I should be more surprised it took this long, I guess.

I used to be made fun of for my thighs. I should point out, I have always been a normal weight. Like, medium. Moderate. Neither fat nor skinny. Just a kid. But I have always had big thighs, along with what my mom called a J-Lo booty. I never was one to be insecure, until that stupid piece of plastic said that I was unhealthy. Oh, my mom hated that word. The only reason we even had a wii was because it was the only consul that I could convince my mom to let me get, because you had to move in order to play (she was convinced that video games make you fat at that time).

So, when I got super upset at the board, mom broke out the measuring tape, the fat pincher (literally a thing that pinches your body and allegedly shows you how much fat you have grasped in its plastic claw), and a walking podcast for fitness. She never made me diet to her credit (though I didn't get to have any chip bags or dessert snacks until high school), but I was upset at the way my body looked nonetheless.

And then, I wasn't. I had bigger fish to fry I guess, and years went by without me ever having to think about how my body looked. Until this school year. Going to grad did a number on me, and the kitchen set up was atrocious. At undergrad, our dining hall had tolerable food, and I usually had someone to walk with me to the mildly crowded dining hall. The dining halls at grad school? Terrifying. So many strangers crammed into one building, so much noise and chatter and other sounds that would be entirely overwhelming, not enough prep for me to feel like I could get food without looking like an idiot (I say this as if I ever went there. I didn't.), it was just too scary. I know, what a whimp of me. But if I can't eat because I'm too overwhelmed and anxious then why go to a dining hall in the first place?

So I didn't. I did my best to try and meal prep, I really did, ut then I got busy, then tired, then busy again. In order to cook for myself, I had to walk from my dorm all the way to the kitchen, where there would be people gathered usually who would always fucking stare at me and it was just too much to do by myself. Sounds really pathetic again, but what can I say, that's who I am.

I'd eat junk food for meals, then wonder why I felt like shit. I didn't realize just how much of a tole it had taken until I went home in October, to which several people, including my mom, said "wow! you've lost weight, you look good!"

Did I look bad before?

Imagine the shame of not doing one of the simplest things to take care of yourself, having negative results in your health because of it, and then being praised because you lost weight. Weight that you never noticed in a negative way. I know they didn't know. I know they just thought they were giving a compliment because they were raised in the era where pencil girls were in, but shit, man. I had been skipping meals. Actively not eating. And I already felt like shit because of it.

I looked at myself in the mirror afterwards, and only one word came to mind, and it wasn't "hot." It was frail. Suddenly, my collarbones were much more noticeable, but in a "not eating way" not a flattering way. I felt like I looked sick. Nothing crazy, mind you, I'd only lost a few pounds, but my muscles were nowhere near where they were usually. Suddenly, things were too big. And when you aren't intending to lose weight, that's fucking scary.

I've been trying to be better. 3 meals a day. And it's mostly been better since I've been home. But recently, when things started getting bad, three full meals dropped to one. With some snacks throughout the day to keep me going. It's not an intentional thing. I just can't. Sometimes nothing sounds good. Sometimes I'm tired of having to make every meal myself, so I choose no meal. Lately I just haven't been hungry, and I don't know why. But I'm trying.

Even my comfort meal had to be forced the other day. I love eggs with rice and some soy sauce, it's easy, it's one pot, and it tastes good, and you can add stuff according to your energy level. But last night, I had to force myself to eat it. I just wasn't hungry. But... I have to eat. Why does it feel like my body and my mind are working against me?

And then there's the mirror. I know I'm not actually wasting away. I'm fine. But I look at myself and just notice my bones more than anything else (and they're not even that noticeable!). I hate it. My mom is literally bones and sinewy muscle, and that's scary, because I go to hug her and she feels like she weighs nothing. Am I going to end up like that? God, I hope not. The thought is terrifying.

Why I am always at war with myself is beyond me, but I'll tell you this: it is so fucking embarrassing. And sad. My partner doesn't trust me when I say I ate, and he's right for it, but how silly is that? That I, now, even struggle to do a basic thing?

God, I'm tired of being such a hassle to myself.