#painful but necessary

[ipatrichor]

there are plenty of good parts of me finally having looked into deconversion resources (validation that i'm not alone in my experiences, examining my beliefs to find out where they come from and if they're harmful, developing a healthier mindset and worldview, etc.) and i would make the choice to do so again

however i gotta say the process of deconstructing things i've been taught literally since birth, realizing how fucked up a lot of it is and how much it's harmed me and most of the people i've ever known, and starting to unlearn perspectives and thought patterns that i had never thought to question before is. well. let's just say it feels like dissolving in acid and not being sure yet what parts of me will make it out the other side

like this was absolutely the right choice for me, i know i'm going to be happier and more mentally well once i've actually examined and worked through the ways christianity shaped my mind and thoughts, it's just fucking scary and overwhelming to pull my perspective on reality apart at the seams and rip out the parts that are rotting yknow. especially since it means confronting a lot of shit i didn't realize i was repressing

[filohazard]

‘Painful but Necessary’ (She/Her), my Firebrands Mercenary

[phantom-of-the-501st]

Remember that this is not the proof that they love each other

That was a last-ditch attempt from Crowley to get Aziraphale to stay

This is the proof that they love each other

Their love wasn't just made real because they kissed

It always existed

[benevolenterrancy]

("Always. Continuously. With increasing apprehension, and decreasing hope. I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday. I will love you as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture. I will love you no matter what happens to you, and no matter how I discover what happens to you, and no matter what happens to me as I discover this." -- paraphrased from The Beatrice Letters, Lemony Snicket)

[lesbians-for-muqing]

The fact that Xie Lian is often unable to hide his pain from Hua Cheng, like when there's a needle stuck in his foot, is to me what shows most how deep their love for each other goes.

Xie Lian feels so safe with Hua Cheng, so understood, respected and loved, that even his body fully knows it and is unable to hide anything from Hua Cheng because it doesn't feel the need to.

[bookishable]

it's always better to have loved.

philip pullman, the amber spyglass / guillermo del toro's pinocchio (2022) / fleabag (2016-2019) / andrew garfield / art by @catadromously / anne carson, euripides / markus zusak, the book thief / shannon barry / little women (2019) / the good place (2016-2020) / fyodor dostoevsky, crime and punishment / his dark materials (2019-2022) / @starpeace

[consider-your-potatoes-mashed]

Who the FUCK decided that insurance companies get to decide what’s medically necessary????????

[somewhatsentientspellbook]

Look. Look look look.

I was saddened by Percy's death, obviously, but it didn't hit me overly hard because I was expecting it the entire time I was watching E7. Damn episode is literally called Cloak and Dagger and had all the telltale signs of an impending character death (looking at you, score-less scenes and death-flag dialogue)

But KASHAW? Fucking KASH? They killed HIM off? That was the scene that brought me to tears. What the FUCK do you MEAN the loveable asshole is DEAD? That he got SQUASHED like a BUG by Thordak and joined the Matron's side?

He and Zahra were supposed to have a lovely cameo each season where we got to see their relationship progressing alongside the others! They were meant to end the show happy and healthy, joking with Vex and Vax about how twins run in Zahra's family!

I kinda desperately want Kash to be given a resurrection. Let Vox Machina repay him for his help in bringing Vex back last season! Let Zahra and him build their family together! Let me know some peace!

[shalmonsdraws]

what the dog doin???

[creekfiend]

Man sometimes I think about Dora and like yeah she's a fictional person and not real but Jesus christ imagine dating a guy and he's literally the worst like just absolutely terrible and he doesn't let you be A Real Person and you finally leave and he makes you into a cudgel to beat himself with in his horrible brain and then ALSO YOU GET USED AS A METAPHOR FOR THE VIOLENCE OF LIBERALISM IN A VIDEO GAME ABOUT HIM ????? AND THE NARRATIVE CONTINUES TO NOT LET YOU BE A REAL PERSON EVER

WERE THERE NO GRAVES IN EGYPT

[alloutshirt]

Liam Memorial in Lyon, France

1 3 5 📸 flatline.ofi

[galacticlamps]

ok I have A Lot of thoughts about the staircase confession (well really about Edwin's whole character arc, but all roads lead to rome) but for now I just wanna say that, yes, I was bracing myself for something to go terribly wrong when I first watched it, and yes, part of me was initially worried its placement might be an uncharacteristically foolish choice made in the name of Drama or Pacing or Making a Compelling Episode of Television but at the expense of narrative sense--

But I wanna say that having taken all that into account, and watched it play out, and sat with it - and honestly become rather transfixed by it - I really think it's a beautifully crafted moment and truly the only way that arc could've arrived at such a satisfying conclusion.

And if I had to pinpoint why I not only buy it but also have come to really treasure it, I'd have to put it down to the fact that it genuinely is a confession, and nothing else.

That moment is an announcement of what Edwin has come to understand about himself, but because it takes the form of a character admitting romantic feelings for such a close friend, I think it can be very easy, when writing that kind of thing, to imbue it with other elements like a plea or a request or even the start of a new relationship that, intentionally or not, would change the shape of the moment and can quickly overshadow what a huge deal the telling is all on its own. But that's not the case here. Since it is only a confession, unaccompanied by anything else, and since we see afterward how it was enough, evidently, to fix the strangeness that had grown between him & Charles, we're forced to understand that it was never Edwin's feelings that were actually making things difficult for him - it was not being able to tell Charles about them. 'Terrified' as he's been of this, Edwin learns that his feelings don't need to either disappear completely or be totally reciprocated in order for him to be able to return to the peace, stability, and security of the relationship with which he defines his existence - and the scale of that relief a) tells us a hell of a lot about Edwin as a character and b) totally justifies the way his declaration just bursts out of him at what would otherwise be such a poorly chosen moment, in my opinion.

Whether or not they are or ever could be reciprocated, Edwin's feelings are definitively proven not to be the problem here - only his potential choice to bottle it up - his repression - is. And where that repression had once been mainly involuntary, a product of what he'd been through, now that he's got this new awareness of himself, if he still fails to admit what he's found either to himself or to the one person he's so unambiguously close with, then that repression will be by his own choice and actions.

And he won't do that. Among other things, he's coming into this scene having just (unknowingly) absolved the soul of his own school bully and accidental killer by pointing out a fact that is every bit as central to his self-discovery as anything about his sexuality or his attraction to Charles is: the idea that "If you punish yourself, everywhere becomes Hell"

So narratively speaking, of course it makes sense that Edwin literally cannot get out of Hell until he stops punishing himself - and right now, the thing that's torturing him is something he has control over. It's not who he is or what he feels, but what he chooses to do with those feelings that's hurting him, and he's even already made the conscious choice to tell Charles about them, he was just interrupted. But now that they're back together and he's literally in the middle of an attempt to escape Hell, there is absolutely no way he can so much as stop for breath without telling Charles the truth. Even the stopping for breath is so loaded - because they're ghosts, they don't need to breathe, but also they're in Hell, so the one thing they can feel is pain, however nonsensical. And Edwin certainly is in pain. But whether he knows what he's about to do or not when he says he 'just needs a tick,' a breather is absolutely not what's gonna give him enough relief to keep climbing - it's fixing that other hurt, though, that will.

Like everything else in that scene, there's a lot of layers to him promising Charles "You don't have to feel the same way, I just needed you to know" - but I don't think that means it isn't also true on a surface level. It's the act of telling Charles that matters so much more than whatever follows it, and while that might have gone unnoticed if anything else major had happened in the same conversation, now we're forced to acknowledge its staggering and singular importance for what it is. The moment is well-earned and properly built up to, but until we see it happen in all its wonderful simplicity, and we see the aftermath (or lack thereof, even), we couldn't properly anticipate how much of a weight off Edwin's shoulders merely getting to share the truth with Charles was going to be, why he couldn't wait for a better, safer opportunity before giving in to that desire, or how badly he needed to say it and nothing else - and I really, really love the weight that act of just being honest, seen, and known is given in their story/relationship.

[filohazard]

Painful But Necessary (She/Her), my Firebrands Death Cultist Assassin 

[sammypog]

men in gothic literature are the ultimate master yappers

[bunnakit]

listen i know i'm late to the party and no one cares about kdtm meta anymore but i care so much and i want to talk about this scene.

there's something about the way Chen Yi relaxes completely the minute Ai Di has his hands on him that makes me feel genuinely unwell. up to this point he's been distraught, wound up, and agitated while he tries to drown his sorrows. but the minute Ai Di tugs him away and put his hands on his face? he's completely pliant.

Ai Di tries to walk away and he tugs him closer, pulls him on top of him, and immediately wraps an arm around him. he lingers there for a moment before rolling them over and all but collapsing against Ai Di and nestling his face against his neck. it'd be easy to assume this is just drunken behavior but we know Chen Yi isn't all that drunk. he remembers this night in detail and even sits up just a few moments after this. this isn't just a drunken flop and he's down for the count.

and in the behind the scenes of this episode Nat Chen explains that Chen Yi may not have immediately known it was Ai Di there with him but he recognized the comfort and safety (i'm paraphrasing, but it was to this effect.) i think this scene makes all of this so obvious in such a beautiful way. Chen Yi feels safe with Ai Di, safe enough that he can fall apart and he knows Ai Di will catch him - because Ai Di has always been there to catch him.

Chen Yi's protectiveness for Ai Di is so much more obvious but Ai Di's is every bit as fierce, it's just quiet. Chen Yi never knew Ai Di was protecting him by standing in front of him but somewhere, subconsciously, he knew Ai Di meant safety and that makes me feel physically ill. i love these two and the way they protect and shelter each other so much. they really are the shining example that sometimes home isn't a place but a person (and the garage didn't feel like home for four years because Ai Di wasn't there.)

[letitbehurt]

Yes I adore Whumpees who talk their way through the pain of field surgery. Yes I equally adore Whumpees who are so delirious with pain that all they can do is scream around the bit as Caretaker works to remove a bullet or suture a gash. When Caretaker has to hold a thrashing Whumpee still, whispering an endless stream of apologies underneath their wordless sobs of pain.