#or if i should be on different meds
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I'm having lots of feelings and I don't want to feel them. :/ under the cut because I'm being a whiny baby
So I suspect I have a dissociative disorder, the voices in my head aren't all alters like the walls aren't that high they are just half walls. So at any given time I want one thing and that changes in a flash. It's disorienting and confusing cause I don't know what I want day to day let alone out of life.
I know I know I know I'm going to say again "I want an easy normal life" well I really don't think that's in the cards. If it's easy it's not normal and if it's normal it's not easy. The contradictions never stop.
Like the whole I want a relationship with someone but I don't want to put myself out there or leave the house. Some of me has agoraphobia and the other parts want to go out and experience things. Some of me wants kinky AF sex and some of me doesn't want to be touched. It's so confusing. I'm just trying to vibe.
And you know what's fucking embarrassing I think I do have a relationship crush on this guy I've been talking to. Fuck me amirightladies (but not in that kinda way he is ace).
Life is complicated and that's all I know for sure.
#mel thinks#my mental health is questionable#i wonder if i should be on more meds#or if i should be on different meds#or if i should jusy smoke weed everyday#listen if you actually read this youve seen my soul ya know that right.
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College (uni??) AU catering to my own interests as it should always be hehe :)
#projecting my major on Vash because them mfs who have changed from the med field majors to that one have some tragic things to tell#and also because I think that Vash would be such a wonderful designer I don’t know why it’s a gut feeling#Nai the law major because of course he would have you seen the guy#he would be a personal injury lawyer because lore#fun fact Nai rested for a semester after the incident with Vash while Vash took two.He never told Nai he would be changing majors#so it was a big big shock for him. they fought again but yk I’ll explain more on that if anyone is interested#as to Kni and WW I thought it’d be funny if they shared a common subject that required a lot of team assignments#and they can NEVER work out together. being an absolute nightmare to the rest of their group#separately they are great to work with. even if Kni can come off as too bossy sometimes he is actually a great leader#and WW would always deliver things on time exactly as it was asked from him#but Kni and WW just never really matched. Kni was too rude at times when WW made a mistake and WW would always clock him if he passed a line#like insulting his reasons for wanting to study security#one day Kni tells him at the beginning of a new semester where they both have unfortunately landed on a shared subject again#“you are not suited for that sort of job Wolfwood. you should simply give up and why don’t you go play role model to your little kids’’#then WW beats him again and then is like hey yk what you’re kinda right. and changed majors and he feels so much more at home studying#education/teaching than security. he fucking hates some things but the end goal makes it worthy#Trigun Uni! AU#because I don’t know how differently a college and a uni work#trigun#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#trigun stampede#vashwood#trigun fanart#wolfwood#vash#Nai saverem#millions knives#lenssi draws#pen!
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*complaining for no reason again because i am bored* i need more ppl to know that these. are all the same person these are literally canonically all the exact same individual person im begging u
literally almost all the ganondorfs are the exact same individual and almost all the ganons are the exact same individual, almost all the ganondorfs & ganons are the same exact person just in different forms and circumstances. except for FSA and maybe whatever the fuck is going on with TotK ganondorf but i still think it’s weird that he still has golden eyes & rounded ears when even the gerudo in TotK’s ancient past dont, but anyway ashfjsbfjsn
#not like you always have to subscribe to canon because it’s often impossible to know the truth of certain things#or some things that are canonical just suck and should be changed anyway but like#of all the things that are like relatively basic facts for ppl engaging in the Lore or whatever#ppl are like always. Always talking about ganondorf as if every iteration of him is a different person just like link & zelda#but so much of his character development stems from the fact that WW ganon and TP ganon are both different timeline offshoots of OoT ganon#i’m not even citing the ‘Official Timeline’ on this because it is silly & confusing but i just literally mean#in terms of basic canon continuity#that WW and TP were conceptualized even in the early 2000s to be the events that occur distantly after the two timeline splits OoT created#because OoT is a game about time travel and the entire concept of the split timelines in this series#originated from the two different scenarios that are created by link & zelda’s use of the master sword and the ocarina#WW ganondorf and TP ganondorf are both literal older versions of OoT ganondorf in 2 different futures#not to mention all of the ganons in the early games. OoT was made as a prequel that both literally and figuratively#attempted to humanize the main antagonist of the series#OoT ganondorf at the time WAS the ‘ganondorf with character development and an actual motivation’#WW ganondorf (who is the same person.) just actually got to vocalize what specifically his motivation was#which is great!! and also retroactively gives OoT ganondorf more context & depth#can u tell i am off my meds at the moment and have nothing better to do with my time ahsjfhskfhdj
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is it just me or is there a recent(past few years) increase in people just. caring so much about what actors think ?
like, yes, sure, it can be interesting, but i don't actually give a flying fuck. their opinions don't matter more bc they're acting out the script.
actors are not writers. actors are not the source text. actors do not carry the correct answers to their character's future or inner life
#every day i open this app and tumblr opens 'for you' and i see takes and i scream on the inside#this is bear adjacent but also the weewoo show#they're gonna ask actors about ships and it doesn't fucking matter what the actor says#we cannot on tumblr. give this much energy to dissecting what that white man said about x#he doesn't write the scripts!!! he doesn't edit the scenes!!!#i feel so old but. jeeeeeeez#your ship might become canon#it might not#your ship is not something you can demand through interaction or expect simply bc there's support in the narrative#and the discussion 'should that be the case' is a different thing#but. the amount of 'if X doesn't happen...' that i see on here.... not as a joke#........ the writers don't care babes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#anyways. i miss the olden fandom days#can you tell my meds make me extra irritable or ? 🥴
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Day 2 of Starting Adderall Again:
->I decided to shower, and then went to the bathroom to shower.
-->I remembered my shower was dirty because maintenance recently worked on my toilet and somehow they got chunks of caulk in the shower, and also I hadn't cleaned it since I moved in about 7 months ago
--->Remembered I also wanted to mop since they'd come into my Clean Space with their Outdoor Shoes
---->Went and got the mop but the mop pad was dirty
---->Threw away the dirty mop pad and got a clean one on
--->Went and mopped the bathroom, which room about 60 seconds
-->Turned my focus towards the shower again and started looking for the cleaner
--->Spent probably 5 minutes looking under all the sinks before *remembering* that I'd used it about a week ago and maybe had left it on the counter
---Found it the counter
-->Sprayed the shower with cleaner
--->Decided to wash the sink while the cleaner was working on the shower
--->Finished the sink in about 5 minutes and then washed the shower for 3-5 minutes
-->Turned on the shower to let it rinse all the cleaner off
->Showered in about 10 minutes, much faster than normal because I didn't spend *any* time trying to remember what I was doing, and yet still did all the steps??? Effortlessly????
I managed to mop the bathroom, clean my sink, clean my shower, ***and*** take a shower, in like??????? 30 minutes?????
And it was all virtually effortless. I had to briefly talk myself into doing it, and then ponder "am I getting needlessly distracted? *Should* I mop too, or just clean the shower?" but it didn't really stress me out to wonder about it. I just...had thoughts in my brain...and they didn't really do anything useful...so I just decided to go ahead and mop, since my brain hadnt come up with any good reason *not* to.
I am in a state of peaceful awe and contentment.
#sorenhoots#adderall#ALSO I SOCIALIZED TODAY WITHOUT HAVING TO FORCE MYSELF TO DO IT THROUGH NEARLY UNBEARABLE SOCIAL ANXIETY.#i socialized on purpose and didnt feel panicky and my heart didnt race and i wasnt constantly stammering or beating myself up for stammerin#and i managed to have timely reactions rather than being so caught up in anxiety and stress to have a response without needing like 5 full#seconds to analyze my behavior and deem it acceptable#AND wow i did so much work at my job!! im MOST proud of how i made sure i went slow and took ample breaks for my hurt hip!#but even while managing my pain i also tidied my ENTIRE department#making sure EVERY shelf looked nice. and then stocked a bunch of stuff. and then! i needed to bring some stuff out of the back#which has been a REALLY stressful task for me lately because its hard to carry a box of wine while using a cane; but ive been to *shy* to#use one of the carts. or it seems like “well itll take 3 times as long if i go get a cart and then use it to move stuff and then put it up.#i didn't worry about taking more time to make sure i didnt hurt myself! i didnt get stuck trying to decide what to do! i just went and got#a cart and then made a loop around my department to drop it all off!!! I DIDNT EVEN GET SUPER ANXIOUS TRYING TO DECIDE IF I SHOULD START#AT THE BACK AND WORK FORWARD- OR THE OTHER WAY. i could just DO things and EXIST and oh my GOD.#im kinda terrified of the possibility of it losing effectiveness after a couple weeks. which has happened in the past. but also--ill have#health insurance soon! GOOD HEALTH INSURANCE because of the Healthcare Marketplace thing!#it was SO EASY to sign up for in this state????? they even had someone i could email who helped me FOR FREE???#you know how sometimes government forms are like “is a professional helping you fill this out?” THATS WHAT THATS FOR. i never even realized#what that question was for??? i was like “is this for rich people who can pay someone else to do it?” BUT APPARENTLY SOMETIMES THE HELP IS#FREE BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT *CAN* ACTUALLY HELP ITS CITIZENS AFFORD HEALTHCARE?????#so even if the adderall stops being as effective...maybe i can try something else! and i can certainly financially afford to go to the dr#and discuss my health and try different meds if needed!!#its wild cos this state is still a very red state but like...its *significantly* less red than the last one. and its been so much easier.
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also i have admitted out loud that the only actual like. vision for a future. that i have is maybe somehow chaplaincy. just telling you guys too
#this may be a deficiency in my visions for the future rather than an actual life plan for the record#but it's... the only thing that currently has really any appeal#well maybe lecturing in theology but i am sufficiently aware of my tendencies to be able to be like Yes But This Is Always How You Get abou#that one#although maybe i should start letting myself follow it for once#you would not BELIEVE the difference between how i felt about med school and how i feel about theology#that makes it sound like i hated med school which i absolutely did not! i enjoyed it well enough#i didn't LOVE it#rowena adventures
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If anyone remembers all the dental work I needed done uhhhhhhh three years ago and never went back and ran away forever…I’m finally going back to a dentist on Thursday to restart the process and face my deep and utter abiding terror. And I also scheduled my COVID and flu vaccines for a couple hours later. And my psych appointment to restart meds.
I figured get it all done in one day, have my miserable immune reaction on Friday that I seem to always get with Moderna COVID shots, and then flee directly into the weekend and never be a person again except when I’m on and off crying. It’s going to be so kind to future me to get these things done and I can do it no matter how much I feel like I am constantly about to Actually Physically Die.
#you can see why I’m restarting meds#my brain is constantly convincing me that my teeth are about to actually finish rotting out of my mouth and I probably have an abscess#already that is going to give me a jaw or heart infection#which is VERY unlikely#and that my dog is deeply sick and I should rehome her and give her to someone who’ll take proper care of her and isn’t me#yadda yadda#it’s been fucking miserable#the only good part is 1) I’m going to get the worst part over with (starting the process) and#2) even if I completely flee and refuse to go back I’ll have one dental cleaning at least helping with plaque buildup and stuff#this is so fucking EMBARRASSING it’s all so EMBARASSING#it shouldn’t be this hard for me and I know it’s irrational#I’m just so scared because it’s so triggering for me for NO REASON and#I KNOW that this time when we get to the multiple fillings and at least one root canal and also my impacted wisdom teeth that it’ll be#different and I won’t go un-numb or if I do again they’ll have better checks in place for when I panic lie to their faces#but it doesn’t help#and I’m so sure they’re gonna tell me I need three or more root canals because I’ve waited way way too long#and I STILL can’t consistently keep up with brushing and flossing#which is the most embarassing and shameful thing in the world and I KNOW#but I’m scared shitless of all of it and it’s all a sensory nightmare!!!!!!!!!!!!#anyway I’m not going to be okay later this week and I’m not particularly okay now#so if I’m not around online much#that’s why#but I’m happy news Aoife and I are having some lovely walks this week and she’s very cute and snuggly and we played tug a lot of times yest#*yesterday and she also stayed sniffing a bush while a bike went past two feet away#instead of getting startled and needing to hop or bark at it and then calm down#I’m so proud of her#and I wouldn’t be able to do this at all without my very kind partner who spearheaded scheduling the dentist (and researching places)#after my jaw pain nervous breakdown last week#health#personal
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my coworker is annoyed about me changing around some ros messages because they were "still in use" (in the course of rectifying Duplicate Message Hellscape). i changed all the places they were actually in use; he is referring to his yet-to-be-approved pull request. my guy... that doesn't count
"np, just a gentle reminder to be cautious with message changes because they can be complicated" yeah man im aware, i had to merge literally ten different pull requests in ten different repos in extremely careful order because we live in polyrepo hell. were you or were you not bitching last week about Duplicate Message Hellscape. get a fucking grip
#the trashcan speaks#at one point i was like 'oh yeah i should tell coworker this will break his PR' and then i FORGOR#BECAUSE I WAS SYNCHRONIZING TEN DIFFERENT BRANCHES IN TEN DIFFERENT REPOS#and also because i accidentally went off my adhd meds#and i DID apologize for that. sorry for ninja breaking your pull request with the thing i merged under you.#however it simply is just not the same thing as breaking prod. which i put a lot of work into not doing#jorb
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every day i struggle to make choices
#i should invest into some kind of education but cant make up my mind#mostly because options suck#i cant do trades unless my body sucks less which is sad because id love to be an electrician#cant even think about getting a pilots license cuz im not passing the med cert#i think id rather die than be a med assistant actually#working clinics at all makes me nervous tbh but probably where im headed in the short term#surgical tech would be cool but i cant do a Real program while working full-time#which is what limits most of my choices#i need to find more paid training programs i guess#if i had to pick a miserable but fulfilling job id go into education itself#but the teaching profession has always been in a downward spiral esp as of late#i dont want healthcare because i hate seeing dysfunctional glorified murder machines grinding around and around endlessly#acute care sucks id rather be in an icu for function but then im depressed because our patients are always dying#it was better as a phleb but this hospital doesnt have phleb and like i said im nervous about clinics#but i need to fucking commit to outpatient phlebotomy i think :/#the most fun ive had at a job ever#i wish i had more widely applicable skills but i cant be an emt/para even just for the training#because half of it is unpaid and the other half you pay for#and again#a job NOTORIOUS for being exhausting dangerous and traumatizing#if i was 17 again and wasnt escaping the tar pit of my mother id go for an english degree and i wouldnt even regret it#thinking about school in terms of a job i have to have forever vs for the sake of learning is so different#id like to know everything. i wanna read and write forever. and do research and have real technical skills that help people#im still riding off of the high of getting 5 ccs off of an oncology patient who desperately needed a port#they were able to run like seven tests off of it#i had to use a couple ped tubes#she only had to get poked Once and barely noticed it bc the doc team came in and im so happy i made her admission that muvh easier#labs are so miserable#checking back on the blood and seeing all of the results came through made me more pleased than anything else in the world
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you should kill yourself if you spend 12 minutes sorting around your notes on your desk, making sure they look messy but also the prettiest ones are on top, posing your textbook open and having the most "academia" looking web page or lecture slides on your laptop screen before taking a picture and posting it on your social media story while quietly scrolling through songs to put with it.
#every time exam season comes around#people do this religiously#i hate it profusely it's so incredibly vain and pointless#you're like the people who go to the library for an epic study day and set up your big environment#only to sit on your phone for 5 hours#have the humility to be honest about your study habits and what works and what doesn't#i feel like its a form of cognitive dissonance this type of stuff and a form of lying to themselves#which is the one person you should always be brutally honest to#txt#i plan ahead and give myself so much extra time because i know my time efficiency is dogshit and i compensate for that#i try to avoid talking to other people about studying and i try to insulate myself when i am#of course for med school it's impossible not to talk about it as your classmates will bring it up in every third conversation#which opens the pandora's box of listening to other people talk about it which is atrocious as all people ever take away from it is#'oh my god everyone is doing so much more i'm so behind'#which isn't true everyone is in their own variation of hell just slightly different#i try to block it out completely when i can#med students have this annoying tendency to group themselves into these circles of self feeding despair and nervousness#i mean all of med insta is full of dogshit memes like this of the same 'le epic med stress' memes#kill yourselves you people are self fulfilling prophecies#josef lada ice these fools#to chce klid#as the man said#a taky trošku sebevědomí#and also not listening or giving a fuck what anyone else is doing#každý ma svůj systém a svůj styl#and have a life outside of this as well
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oh god oh fuck oh god o hfuck men
men. hot.
#zeph posting#just saw two different pictures of men kissing and then rememerbred hwo much i like men#i should go to bed its close to 8am#oh wait fuck i have to wait until 10am now bc ill sleep through my meds alarm otherwise#whops#i can go think about men instead of sleeping then
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helathcare system plz...
#i am being shuffled back n forth between the 2 same phone numbers 2 try n get an appointment#cus We dont book the appointments The Other number does that Except We Also dont book the appointments the Previous number does that!#asdfgdhfj#receptionist just answered the phone with 'did they seriously just send u back here' :-) yes they did#i called one number who said i should call the other one#accidentally called the first one again after procrastinating calling(writing that just reminded me 2 take my meds lol)#who again told me to call the otehr number#only for them to try n send me 2 the first number cus the bookings are done through them#i get sent 2 them n they tell me the bookings are done through the previous number#they send me back#and now she put me on a waitlist for another call from a different number....#well see if i finally get a proper answer this time..#rambles
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anyone who has ocd can you tell me what meds you have taken that have helped cuz like. i need to get back on meds but none have helped much
#personal#i feel crazy ocd rumination at nearly 1 am that wont let me sleep. even tho im exhausted#and i overthink everything and am paranoid of everyone and every interaction i have. and the compulsions paralyzing me#idk if i should see about re-trying the meds that didnt help in the past. idk if it would make any difference#butgod i cant live like this. no one really seems to get it and i often joke about my ocd downplay it but its suffocating#im going to try to sleep for thetime being. too tired
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Eh, I was in a weird experimental mood. Have this. Dubbed 'Who Are You?' Pretty sure I've said this but I love characters that either are not human or beyond human... because existentialism is fun to think about.
My monitor makes this look 3-D which is awesome.
#rvb#red vs blue#rvb simmons#I just think that he probably had a bit of a crisis after the meds and hype wore off#realizing that perhaps becoming a cyborg wasn't as cool and dope as he thought it was gonna be#cause i mean come ON if anything he should have been able to throw a fucking punch or catch one from Tex#like my poor boy just got all these 'enchancements' but none of the benefits? i call bullshit - Sarge builds weapons of mass destruction#shit maybe this bitch has a bomb in him if he dies... I dunno#but srsly this boyo should have been punching and kicking metal with his new metal#Also I will never not shut up about him being able to make a hologram of himself - even if it just mirrors his movements#that shit would have been epic to see in a fight and useful too#I love every fic that has capitalized on his Cyberness SO fucking much holy hell#. . . > . > Okay and also like hear me out - I think because of how his system works and how he's not like pure human anymore...#I think if (Any version of) Church were to have linked with him it would have been different than how the Freelancers or Tucker had him#I have an idea or a fic... >.> I have Many Ideas for Many Fics but specifically one about this concept. Toying with it.#Random AF but YALL - I always felt his “fax ass” was more like a Tramp Stamp - it's just a port that looks like a disk drive#so anymore morse code is fun ;3
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im making a playlist for psych ward/post psych ward narrator getting back on his bullshit again :)
here's a song going on it:
#different varieties of it#this song specifically To Me is the narrator got put on some meds with major side effects that nuked his memory and he vaguely knows Tyler#kind of fucked up his life but yk Tyler is so sorry :( and Tyler's the only one who visits him :( Tyler says they'll be just all good from#now on :)#(as long as he remembers whose wearing the trousers)#and before you think this is unlikely. well. obviously its a little joking but also I went on a medication that destroyed most of my memorie#s of. i think it was 2018? 2017? god#and I was on it for a week#so. 1. be very careful with any neurological medications everyone should treat them with more seriousness#2. if the narrator forgot Tyler isn't real and the memories most prominent in his mind where all those fun good times with Tyler...#Ripe Pickings#music
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HonestlyYYYY!! Though now you intimidate me more, you're clearly a big league pharmacist. I just took a summer class to be a techie.
Though like the rude customers are both understandable (miserable, pain, feel icky) but also not because du d e it's not our fault the doctor did the wrong stuff
Don't be afraid, I'm really just tired or confused all the time😭
But yes, I've became kind of sus(?) of doctors now. I have a lot of things I could tell, like when this newly appointed doctor gave her first med to her own grandma - which is a family's friend - and I turned pale after hearing what drug she gave her.
#grandma is luckily find btw#she took only one pill before the cardiologist immediately took those pills away from her#also wait#because this might look weird#the drug in questions is one of the most common ever - its not rare#not weird#not new#it's super common and studies everywhere in the medical field#so like im sorry but that mistake was kind of big#but yeah be careful#another time we got this little girl having some hormonal problem and she was checked by 2 different doctors#i remember one of them was literally out of their head#i had to convince her big sister to go to a specialized clinic because i was really worried of#“yeah they don't know what it is but they said she should take this pill”#that pill was quite heavy and should not be given that lightly#anon#lmao sorry for the big rant#btw shes fine too for now after changing her meds
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