#one of my friends called me in a panic
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the clip of chris eating while matt tells him abt his nightmare in the new video had me wettt like chris just looked buffer in a way and he made that fork look so small in his hand 😭😭😭
LORDDDDDD I NEED TO GET HOME AND WATCH THAT GODDAMN VIDEO
#bambi's asks#i know i know#bambi why haven't you watched the new vid yet#i was on an adventure okay#one of my friends called me in a panic#she found a fake nail and pink lipstick and blonde hairs#in her boyfriends bed#she doesn't need or use any of those things#so i grabbed my other friend and we raced across town#and we got there just as her boyfriend got back from work#it was wild#he didn't cheat tho#there was a logical explanation for all of it#then we went to get ice cream#but yeah i was BUSY IM SORRY#bambi slxt#bambi yaps
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@cokoweee
Ya’ll ever have a dream so lifelike it feels aggressively real until one thing goes a little too wrong and then you start to realize that maybe you’re in a dream but it’s also too real to convince yourself it’s not real that you can’t wake yourself up?
TW: panic attack, I say gun, uhhh blood ig? Bishop says a kinda weird thing but that's just him bein him
can I say blood? last time I did it marked me as mature...
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Her heart thumped against her chest, lactic acid building in her legs as she ran. She tapped furiously at her phone, fingers slipping over the screen as she tried to deploy Sheldon.
Donnie says “no no no” chimed a pixilated picture of Othello, his finger waving back and forth.
“What the-” She slammed against a wall, her shoulder crunching against the brick.
His stupid programming on the poor thing to keep Sheldon at his house. Maybe she could override it?
No, not enough time. She was just going to have to run and hope for the best.
Her shoulder screamed in protest as she climbed the ladder in the alley. Scrambling over the side of the building to catch her breath, she tapped at the screen again.
There had to be something she could do to foil his programming. She wiped at her nose, the cold still not quite gone even after days of bed rest. Bullets flew over the edge of the building, seemingly locking on to her body heat. Throwing herself at the ledge at the last second to force the bullets to crash into the wall she coughed violently, phlegm coating her throat.
Stupid sickness.
Stupid Othello leaving her with the stupid rabbit farmer.
She pushed herself off the ground, arms struggling under the weight of herself. It was as if every muscle in her body was on fire, each fiber screaming at her to stop. She gulped raising her head over the ledge. Agent Bishop was standing on the adjacent rooftop, his face curled into a sneer, eyes unblinking despite the sun in his eyes.
He waved at her, fingers waggling in the air as he pulled a small gun from his pocket. Aiming it directly at her chest he grinned, his eyes flickering with something distinctly unhuman.
She stumbled backward, her feet skidding over the concrete as he seemed to lock onto her. Loose rock dug into her knees as she clambered over the rooftop.
Away.
All she needed to do was get away.
She placed a hand over her stomach, feeling the raised bump of the scar, as she moved.
This was…
This was wrong?
It didn’t happen this way.
No. She didn’t need to get away, she needed to get out.
The bullet ripped into her skin, tearing away at muscle, and shattering the bone in her rib.
She screamed, blood pouring from the gaping hole in her chest, as Bishop moved closer. He walked to her side, footsteps clanking against the concrete.
Clawing at the ground she dragged her body along the roof, rocks digging under her nails. Bishop laughed, his foot trampling her hand, digging it into the ground. She gasped, breathing shallowly as she fought to get loose.
He grabbed her hair, wrapping it between his fingers and tightening his grip as he pulled her from the floor.
“Oh, this is wonderful.” He smiled, voice dripping with venom. “Such a pretty little thing I caught this evening. I’ve been dying to chat with you.” He pulled her hair up, forcing her to rise. “I wonder if she’ll do any tricks?”
She spat in his face, her ears filled with an all-consuming ringing.
Away.
She needed to get away.
It didn’t matter how. She needed to get away.
He said something else, flaunting some sort of mechanism he had hidden in his shirt. She tried to focus on his words, but her breathing was too shallow, her limbs too shaky, the ringing too loud for her to hear a word.
She clamped a hand over her chest, a sorry attempt to staunch the flow of blood from the gaping hole in her body. Cursing softly she watched as the red seeped into a slithering pink fleshy mass.
She stifled a scream as the pink turned an orange maroon, her own blood fueling some sort of monster.
“Shhhhhhh.” Bishop whispered against her ear, “It’ll be done soon. Just one quick slash and you’ll be out of my hair for good.”
The mass jumped forward, faster than she could comprehend, her body spasming in pain as she scrambled back.
Was this the Krang she’d heard so much about after she’d left the jail? Weren’t they supposed to be mindless or something?
It lunged forward again, tentacles lashing toward her face. Bishop shook her in front of him, like a toy for a dog.
“Kendra?”
She screamed as he tightened his grip on her, shaking her around like a bag of flour. The world around her turned hazy, her vision blurring in and out.
She wasn’t going to go out without a fight.
Throwing her head back she jammed her skull into his chin, breaking the grip he had on her hair.
She clawed at the ground, a strange silky feeling coating her fingers. Pushing away the softness of what was sure to be Krang, she kicked at the mass as it wiggled unnaturally.
“KENDRA!” A familiar voice shouted at her, a gentle three-fingered nubby touch against her arm.
Her eyes flew open, arms flailing to the sides to swat at what was left of the Krang matter, as hands held her back. She gasped, her chest heaving as a sinking feeling hit her gut. Dread splashed over her head like a wave, drowning her, leaving nothing but fear.
Eyes widening she looked next to her for Tello, horrified as darkness encroached on her vision, leaving her staring through a pin hole. Nausea rolled through her stomach as she gasped for air, her chest shuddering to keep up with her breathing.
It hurt. It hurt so bad.
“Hey, hey, hey.” He whispered, hand placed against her back. “It’s ok you’re home. You’re with me.”
She jerked backward. He was loud. So so loud. Even with the ringing in her ears, he was too loud.
Breaths were punched from her lungs faster than she could finish taking them in. Tears streamed down her face as her eyes blew wide. Her chest tightened, lungs twisting as she shook.
She’s dying. She has to be dying. There’s no other explanation.
Dead in her room from a nightmare-induced heart attack,
Her eyes flickered back and forth over the room, not focusing on anything, just wildly scanning for danger she knew wasn’t there. Willing her arm to move, she let out a chocked warble.
The room seemed to melt around her. Things blurred together, a fuzzy abstract painting of almost-real-life. Sweat beaded on her forehead as she tightened her muscles.
Her whole body shook as she tried to take steadying breaths.
“Did you know softshell turtles only have half a plastron?”
She was in the middle of dying.
She most definitely did not need turtle facts right now.
“Technically a full one, but it’s covered by skin, rendering it effectively useless for plastron purposes.” He shrugs. “Same deal as the shell.”
She looked at him, confusion breaking through the panic.
“Makes us really flexible though. Wanna see?”
He got off the bed, walked to the middle of the room, and bent backward. He smiled upside down at her from the floor and smoothly brought himself back up.
“Pretty neat huh?” He waggled his eyebrows. “Bet no other turtle you meet could do that.”
Amusement rippled through her as she watched him demonstrate his stretches and various yoga poses.
“I’ve never met another turtle like you.” She breathed, some of the panic melting away.
“Precisely! No one can do it like me!” He said, pointing his finger at her triumphantly before his face softened. “ We starting to feel a bit better?”
She brought her thumb and pointer finger close together. A little
He nodded. “Am I good to come back up or do you need some space?”
She patted the bed next to her, inviting him closer. She waited until he was seated comfortably before slumping against his shoulder, exhausted.
He shifted slightly, reaching for his phone with one hand, the other wrapped around her. He let them sit for a moment, reminding her to breathe every few seconds before Sheldon zipped into the room.
He whispered something to Othello before zooming out of the room. She watched passively as it happened, her body still not quite connected to her soul.
Sheldon returned moments later, a bag of ice, a bottle of water, a cookie, and tub of lavender lotion in his little propeller arms.
Othello took them from him, patted his head, and shooed him away. Taking one of the ice cubes he flattened out her hand and placed it in her palm.
She jerked slightly at the sensation of cold in her hand, surprised when he placed another in her palm.
“Focus on the melting.” He said, voice low and gentle.
The ice filled the lines of her hand and dripped over the sides and down her arm. She shivered as the water pooled in her hand. Othello grabbed the cookie from the pile he had created and broke off half to give to her.
“Thanks?”
He watched her carefully. “What does it taste like?”
“A cookie?” She said through a mouthful, her hands still full of TV static.
“I need details.” He pressed.
She paused, taking a moment to consider the flavors in her mouth. “Vanilla, chocolate chips.” She took another bite. “ Like I left it in the oven a minute or two too long and overcooked them just slightly.”
She’d have to make another batch, this time keeping an eye on the time.
He pressed an uncapped water bottle into her hand. “Drink.”
She pressed the bottle to her lips, feeling the way the cold blossomed against her skin as she held it there. Quietly observing the way she could feel it go down her throat and into her stomach.
“Are we feeling more alive?”
She nodded, running her hand along her thigh to feel the fabric of her pajama pants as she pressed her head against his side.
“Good.” He murmured, sleep creeping into his voice. “You had a panic attack I’m pretty sure.”
“...Sorry it was for something stupid.”
“I get worked up over stupid stuff too.” He mumbled, eyes half closed.
“Your stuff isn’t stupid.” She countered.
“Then neither is yours.”
She stopped, lifting her head to look up at him.
He grabbed her hand, flexing the fingers for her. “You feel ok?”
“I don’t know.” She answered honestly.
He nodded and guided her to a lying position. “Tell me five of your favorite things.”
She paused, looking around the room. “Hmmmmm. You.”
“Thank you.”
“Mhm. Uhhh, lavender. The color purple. Satin jackets. Baking. Messing around in the lab. Oh, I guess that’s more than five.”
He tapped her shoulders rhythmically, “You can keep going if you need to.”
She took in a deep breath. “I think I’m ok now.”
“Positive?”
Nodding she pulled the blankets over herself. What she really needed was rest. She was so exhausted from the whole ordeal that the idea of doing anything else felt impossible.
He got off the bed again, searching beneath the bedframe for something before he pulled a large purple blanket from under the bed. She blinked in surprise as he placed it over her, a weight holding her down to the bed.
“I should’ve mentioned it was weighted.”
She pulled her hand out to give a quick thumbs up as he climbed back into bed. She shifted to hold out her arm for a hug. He smiled and pulled her close, wrapping his arm around her waist.
“You smell like you’ve been using my soap.” She grumbled against his plastron.
He shrugged. “ I like the way you smell.”
Rolling her eyes she tugged the blanket higher over her shoulders smiling as soft chirping filled the room, the sound he always made right as he fell asleep.
“Good night Tello.” She whispered.
His plastron vibrated as he churred back, gently running circles through her hair.
She was home. And she was safe.
~
squad don't write stuff at four AM I'm pretty sure this only makes sense to me at this point. Anyway I was listening to my pretty princess playlist while writing this 💁♀️
the reason why this was written is in the tags btw
#Me and my friend were hanging out and she got all excited when I told her I was minoring in creative writing#she asked for me to read me some of my stuff and I agreed LIKE AN IDOIT#well i open my docs and low and behold it's what I posted yesterday#mind you that doc is titled ugly sewer man and his pretty wife#i scroll before she can see the title but at this point I have to read this one#its too late for me to exit the doc without me being suspicious#I read it and she's all like “Well butter my backside and call me a biscuit I forgot you wrote but you do a pretty dang good job!”#I'm just sweating bullets coz I just read her my fanfic of Donatello the ninja turtle and Kendra the dragon chick#she'll never know and I'll never tell her that she was read kendratello fanfic with the names and some of the words replaced#its worth it to say that this isn't the first time that this has happened with her#last time it was the freaking really long one with Leo dying dead and Don also trying to die dead#i went home and cooked myself some pasta to recover because wtf was that#and I was so upset by the situation that instead of sleeping I wrote more kendratello fanfic?#pee pee poo poo#caca dodo even#FOUR AM BABY AND IM STILL HEREEEEEE#Ya'll also got some free stuff to use to help a hommie out if they ever start having a panic attack#tapping method will work on yourself as well if you start feeling freaked out or not in your body.#just cross your arms over your torso and put your left hand on your right shoulder and vice versa tapping your shoulders one at a time#im sleepin now#gn yall
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Shinsou: I hate all those things that were like, “they used to be so strong and funny…. ThEn [insert trauma here], now they are a shell of what they once were”
Shinsou: I can be traumatized and still be strong and funny. I’m the funniest fucker I know
Tsuyu: yesterday you said that you wanted to enter a coma so you didn’t have to deal with an authority figure being mad at you again
Shinsou: both can be true, am I not allowed to have duality, tsuyu??
#he’s fine he just has to be dramatic about it first#it’s so okay it not like I have a panic attack when an authority figure looks at me#that’s crazy I’d never nope not me#Aizawa is probably the current authority figure for shinsou#tsuyu is not afraid to check her on her friends mental health and we love to see that#what a lad#she’ll call bullshit without a second thought#anyway. I saw one too many things about Ellie being strong and funny until ‘David broke her’ and fuck that bullshit#as someone who has been abused their entire life that stuff makes me mad as hell#that being said. if that’s what someone needs to do to cope. I bid them the best of luck and all of my love and support#bnha#mha#incorrect mha quotes#incorrect my hero academia quotes#mha incorrect quotes#bnha incorrect quotes#incorrect bnha quotes#shinsou is in the izucrew#shinsou hitoshi#asai tsuyu#incorrect izucrew#izucrew#izucrew as family
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Hi Becca! I would literally die for you blog. It’s my go to any time I need some good self care😉. You’re incredibly talented!
But I’ve had this idea bouncing around in my head. It boils down to just Bucky and cock warming. Like the reader is on him begging for more but he is just having way to much fun playing with their clit to start moving. Making them cum on him with out thrusting once.
Just an idea I thought you might like. I love you work, have a great day!!
I'm really glad you've been enjoying my stuff so much!! That's so sweet!💗 and I keep getting told I can get ✨filthier✨ so I'd love to mess with this is little bit
Because I love the thought of Bucky making you start off with a dildo that's just a little bit smaller in size than he is. Maybe one of those dildos with a suction cup on the bottom so it's stuck on a wooden chair.
"Good girl, take it all." He encourages, kneeling between your legs, watching your cunt greedily swallow the toy. It's a sight he doesn't often get to see and he's really not sure why he doesn't make a point of watching it more often.
You whine quietly, feeling the toy bottom out. Your ass makes contact with the cool, varnished wood beneath you and you can't help but roll your hips a little, enjoying the feeling of the tip rubbing against your velvety walls.
"If I wanted you to fuck yourself on that, I'd tell you to. Did I tell you to?" Bucky's voice has a sharp edge that almost knocks you out of your daze.
"N-no... But-" You begin, trying to justify your movement but he cuts you off.
"No. So don't. I want you to keep your cunt stuffed and take what I give you." He watches up at you as he presses your knees apart, keeping his eyes on your face until he can't bare it anymore.
You gasp quietly at the feeling of his hot breath on your exposed, slick sex and there's nothing you can do but whimper at the feeling of his tongue gently grazing your clit.
Fuck, it's good. It's not long before he's licking you like he's starving, lapping and sucking gently on your clit before forcing your legs wider apart to lick your arousal from the base of the toy.
"Bucky, please. Please let me move." You didn't mean to sound so pathetic but with each lick, you get closer and closer to an orgasm you won't be able to stop. An orgasm you've been warned you're not allowed to have.
You're almost surprised he takes pity on you, giving you permission to get off the toy. He removes it from the chair and sits down in it's place, offering his cock as a replacement.
You sit back down as you had earlier with your back to his chest but you can't help but feel amazed at how much better his dick feels. He's slightly bigger and while that's nice, nothing beats the way he throbs inside you and the hot, breathy groans against your ear at the feeling of your body taking all of him.
"Such a good girl." He smirks against your neck, littering your skin with kisses between his soft praises. You feel one of his hands on your chin, gently directing you to look to your right, over in the direction of the full length mirror.
The reflection you're looking at makes your walls flutter involuntarily because fuck, you really are stuffed full of his cock and he's making sure you're not able to fully enjoy it yet.
With one hand still holding your head in place, making sure you keep watching, Bucky's free hand trails down between your legs, flicking and rubbing your clit again.
"Oh f-fuck." You whine, watching Bucky's smirk widen. You can't sit still. You just can't. You want to grind your hips and take what you need and in that moment, his pleasure and all the instructions he's given you come second. You need to get off, consequences be damned.
"Don't even fucking think about it." He warns, delivering one harsh slap to your clit. It's not overly hard but it's enough to shock you. "You know you're not allowed to cum. I want to feel this pretty pussy dripping first. Don't worry though. Once you're wet and messy enough, I'll fuck you stupid on the carpet, right in front of the mirror. Want you to watch yourself cum so hard you forget your own name."
#asks answered <3#anon#becca writes spice#Bucky Barnes x reader smut#Bucky Barnes smut#I was so close to writing this with Steve instead of a toy#I had the first class of the year for my LLM last thursday besties#and my lecturer called me 'Rachel' at one point#I couldn't help but laugh#I was DREADING that class#who schedules a class from 10am to 4pm??#that's hideous#But I went early and I got chatting to my lecturer#I'd never met her before and we were the only two in the room#so I was honest when she asked how I was feeling about the semester#cause I was ANXIOUS but she was lovely about it#and by the end of the class I'd made a few friends 🥺#so my big panic on Wednesday night was all for nothing#will I learn anything from that?? Probably not.#I'll still be terrified the night before my next class for no reason
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Idk something about the term boyfriend just seems so neutral to me. like i can be your genderfucking enby boyfriend if i'm in a straight-passing relationship or i can be your pretty butch dyke boyfriend if i'm in a sapphic one!!
#same thing with wife and gf!! i love calling one of my friends “my wife” and he calls me husband lmfaoooo its sweet :3 i love him so much!!#queer shenanigans and all that#queer#bi#bisexual#wlw longing#wlw love#wlw pining#wlw yearning#nblw yearning#nblw love#nblm longing#nblm love#nblm yearning#mlm yearning#mlm longing#mlm love#mlm pining#gay#gay yearning#gay pining#bi panic#bi posting#bi pining#nonbinary transmasc#nonbinary positivity#nonbinary pride#gender????#genderqueer#genderfluid
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ughhh I need to stop having mental breakdowns over little things.
#vent in tags#chat sesh with iris#vent#tw vent#I feel like everyone hates me and even you all hope I die and nobody likes my ships bc everyone thinks I’m not good enough for my f/os#and the worst part is that none of it is unfounded!!!#none of my friends are talking to me AT ALL anymore even when I start conversations#(including in text)#while they actively talk to other people WHERE I CAN SEE IT!!!#only one of my friends is and all they do is send me anti bs and go ‘omggg these people are so weird!!!’ about like anyone who ships with-#certain characters (including ones that I SHIP WITH!!! which is why I don’t talk about it other than here)#people are like ‘omggg… I hate it when men like these characters. you don’t get them and they’d never love you.’ about my f/os#which triggers dysphoria and self loathing and fear about my ships#tw suicidal ideation#<- somewhat#I don’t like anything about myself and I don’t deserve anything that I have#man. I don’t even want to be here anymore#also I have severe mental illness that has caused a lack of possibility for happiness that lasts longer than fleeting moments#I have not spoken (like aloud) to anyone other than my parents since THE THIRD!!!#I’m going to ask my psychiatrist for testosterone on Wednesday but idek if I’m gonna make it until then#probably I will because I’m too depressed to gather the energy to do it#also she might even say no or not be able to prescribe it#and this isn’t even why I’m the most upset rn but I REALLY need a win#also my mom was like ‘you haven’t given me another name so I’ll just keep calling you the name I gave you 😊😊😊.’ instead of. idk. asking me?#tw suicide#okay yeah the tag is fully warranted now#I like know how I’d do it and everything#I also had a panic attack because I couldn’t find my quilt hashtag just autism things!!!#not takeover#obviously
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#i was so proud yesterday to have managed my panic attack on my own.#i thought i also had managed to do the right thing but turns out it wasn't the best thing i could have done.#today is trying to get rid of the feeling that life is.#im afraid of going home because i feel like i have stepped back so much. that im a weight. that it's annoying that people have to bear wit#all that of me#im sorry... im sorry. i don't have more answers. sometimes someone tell you they have a bad day and you ask them why and your friend will#just tell you. ''idk. im sad today and depressed''. and it's just that. i think. is it justme?#i feel like such a waste#i thought i had had a good breakthrough w my psychiatrist; trying to go with that sensitivity. but turns out im still. it doesnt change the#fact that its stupid and beyond understanding. sigh.#my life is not running away my life is not running away. it feels like it but it doesnt. this too shall pass this too shall pass#stuff that's been built won"t just waste away. everyone has something going on it's called life#i know i have to tell myself it's all in my head. and i am. but. but. but. im still scared#(therapist voice: what purpose is this fear serving? loved one being angry or annoyed at me. are they? it seems like it.) (i am loved this#oo shall pass)#(mantra)#dni dnid dni
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today was such a Full day i
-went on a hike w my dear friend -writing day at boba shop (700 words!! not MANY but a not nothing amount!!) -reward barnes and noble trip (got book i’ve been eyeing!!) -ZOOM home to pick up dear friend’s younger brother to take him to his job -have a freakout and cry a lil because my dad TOOK MY CAR WITHOUT TELLING ME AND LOST MY KEYS and i had to be there in twenty minutes but i found the spare keys in the laundry room -babysit five kids for four hours. there is a lot of mud and climbing into washing machines involved. parents come home before I can deep clean the house :(
and now I am home and should probably like sleep or something but I am Wired. slaps day this bad boy can fit So Many Events
#this isn’t a rant OR a brag#i’m just impressed at how many things i managed to cram into one day#on five hours of sleep#when I didn’t really have any deadlines and thus there was no need for me to do all that#oh also my friend called me while working herself up to a panic attack#that i kinda eased her out of#but that was quick
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its always bad when its both me and janet, we can only take one set of mental illnesses at once not both
#they do not compliment eachother#this is what landed us in hospital last time#too much time and both of us#i feel like im going to end up back in hospital#ik if i told people things (not even all of it) id get myself sectioned (or whatever amercans call it)#like just the extent of my self harm is enough to get me in hospital#and tgats not mentioning janet or the messages or suicide stuff or some other stuff#like im not stupid ik im going to end up doing something and getting the cops called ik my parents are liars#i bet the school would call an ambulance if they saw my arm their so dramatic about medical stuff#tried to call an ambulance on my friend who fainted for a few moments#its ridiculous#and i couldn't move for about an hour and i feel like thats going to keep happening again#no one noticed but theyd definitely call an ambulance then#or if i have a meltdown or a bad panic attack#and by bad i mean multiple hour long unable to see or feel my limbs#whenever its both of us shit like that happens#and when i have meltdowns their big#screaming and head banging for hours#theyd kick me out of school again#and i was doing pretty good for the first time in two years too#people finally started listening to me because i could act sane enough that'll all fall apart again#janets so annoying#makes my life impossible and janets also suicidal but a fucking pussy and always stops me just before i can#ill never be able to die on purpose because of this fucking kid#tw mental hospital#tw police#were so conflicting in personality we can't do nothing#im so angry and janets so scared so we just sit in it forever#just gotta re trumatise ourselves again so the other fucks off for a while and we can function#its like ever time we are safe its both of us and we can't fucking take it
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You know .
#my mental breakdown this summer was actually completely explainable and while i did/said things i dont stand by#i dont actually think i was the bad guy here. interestingly.#i had to help my mom move and it triggered a huge panic attack bc of past trauma from moving house#and so now my family is saying im going insane#and my friend kept egging me on to ask out his friend#who he and i had developed a really nice friendship but he did kind of like. seem like he was trying to be my personal savior#idk i had a big crush on him bc ofc i fucking did no man has ever treated me that well before#then i jokingly tell him how i feel and he goes all serious#oh and it was four days after the 17th anniversary of my fathers suicide#who i think had bpd/ptsd#so i may be developing the same disorder . and it’s freaking me out#this guy claims he knew i had a crush on him which actually means the way he was talking to me means he was to keep my attention#(he sent a picture of him zoomed in naked hours before this so EXCUSEEE ME FOR ASSUMING)#and i started getting upset with the way i was being talked to and asked him to just say he was talking to me that way for attention#for my own peace of mind. like mind u we were talking every day throughout the day for months#voice calls would last over 5 hours. that kind of thing#i snap at him finally but immediately apologize#he then sends me a screenshot of his ex telling him ‘you have experience in dealing with mentally ill women’#followed by him saying ‘youre right. teehee love you’#so yeah duh i went to the fucking hospital it’s like someone hit me with a hammer in the head three times#then my fucking friend who goaded me into confessing to him tells me when i get out that he feels like im trying to make him choose between#when all i ever did was apologize profusely over and over again#fuck my entire ass man. oh and then two weeks later my best friend abruptly told me she was moving to maine#in two weeks. well no she didnt say that. she said can i stay at yours for a week#and i said um. what? and she said yeah im moving. and then used the fact that she had to get an abortion weeks ago as an excuse for not#telling me. and i said dude what the fuck? and she never talked to me again! so#one two three all gone BAM BAM BAM#oh this was also a week before my birthday#the trauma from moving wasnt actually abt tbe moving it was about how i was treated when we were moving#or basically any stressful family event
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hey god if you've created someone for me can you introduce me to them sooner? i kinda need them now
#like i know i know im sad and hurt but in my heart even the worst breakup friendship or otherwise can kill my hope#like i know this is gods plan for me this is my arc but god it's getting worse and harder everyday#i thought nothing could be worse than yesterday but i hadn't lived today them#then*#i need to talk to someone so bad oh god sl yesterday i had the exam right#and like i don't even know what happened i thought i was going to fail even after giving my 2000% studying#for like 10 hours a day for 15 days for this one exam#and i was panicking and shivering so bad that my heart felt like it would fly out of my chest it was beating so hard#and so fast it didn't even beat like that when i climb too many stairs#and i tried to deep breathe but nothing worked it was so scary like yeah i get stressed sometimes#but this was another level so scary i was nauseous too#and then i clicked submit and i got 82!!!#when i was so sure i was gonna fail because i was only sure about 54 marks answers and the passing was 50#and i got really happy and relieved and then i realized. oh. i don't have anyone to tell#like yeah i told my dad and he was like oh cool ofcourse you did very good#because he doesn't GET it that im not smart anymore and 10th cbse is not an accurate measure of intelligence#he wasn't even happy or surprised he was like well nice obviously#and that's it. i didn't have anyone else to tell#granted i hadn't even told anyone i was giving the exam. i mean i say anyone as if im swimming in friends#only have one. two if u stretch. and i didn't say. cause like idk doesn't really seems like anyone cares#and aah stupid emotional me before the exam i was feeling sad and trying not to panic (??? why??) and CRY in the car because i was thinking#that how my mom always drops me to exam centres and we talk i play music and when im getting out she says all the best beta#and the beta. wow i typed this and immediately have tears in my eyes now. i don't even understand why but#idk i made it up to be a little tradition in my head and i really wanted to call my mom and say mom pls can u say all the best#to me now bc i think ill fuck it up and im really scared and maybe if u give your blessing it'd be okay. but then i thought how embarrassin#it wld be if i failed. bc we don't have any kind of rship my mom and me. and then when she heard i passed from dad she didn't even call me#or anything. thank god i didn't do all that drama but fucking hell. this is all just for me right nobody cares not my parents#and it's too difficult im crumbling under the pressuee but i have to grit my teeth and do it or ill never be able to get out of this house#and i know ill find people when i do get out. but in the meantime. please god ji just one person idc who girl boy friend or love ANYONE#ik it's weak & ik i shld be enough on my own. but pls i just CAN'T.they dont even have to put up with me they just have to care a bit
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i need to vent about something that happened and i’ll do it in the tags of this post and i dont really know how to trigger it but it may be triggering so yeah maybe dont read it idc i just need to talk to the void
#how many fucking times do i have to say no for you to fukcing understabd it#we’ve talked avout this so many times you’ve been told by more than one prrson how that makes me uncomfortable#and you still try something in my party and in front of mu whole fucking family?#and you clearly dont care about me at all you just want to kiss me or even more than that and thats the whole fucking reason you even talk t#to me#bc if you cared in the slightest you wouldnt keep trying and trying and trying#knowing damn well how uncomfortable it makes me#to the point that i had a panic attack at my own fucking party bc you wouldnt leave#literally had to call the building security guard to make you leave#and you still call yourself my friend?#fuck you#im so glad i dont have to see you anymore#and what makes this even sadder is that you were a great friend or whatever#talking to you has always been lovely#but just bc im a lesbian and im single does not mean i fucking want you#ive made it more than clear that i dont#youve been at it for a whole year. half of which you were in a relationship mind you#so fuck you#leave me the fuck alone
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okay now that im actually confronting it this makes a whole lotta sense that im going to continue to ignore
#this is about the system thing. btw.#damien the oc and damien the oc take two (different guy) (sekai edition) and the whole ass guy in my head are all different i think#izza flick is somewhat a fictive of a character called felicity shortened to flick and the hsr mc for some fucking reason#plus is the reincarnation of the og izza who died(?) i think#izzabelle felicity oswold why the fuck did you call yourself that#and shes not the same as erryn the oc but i think erryn is her projecting#gosh this is confusing#no yeah and i think. eilis is the host aka the one in control of the actual body. i think everyone else just tells her what to do#shes not very present i dont think. kinda like a mech iykwim? whats that fuckin anime i watjced a year and a half ago called#uh. yeah#i think izza flick is fronting most of the time?#the og izza was vaugely a fictive of akari from p:la#but also akari just exists too#an shiraishi and nemona nolastname have fusion'd steven universe stylei think#akitos there and hes really gay. uh. at least one person is happy about that.#shihos in there but doesnt wanna speak to anyone i think she is napping just forever and occasionally yells that we need to learn basse#kohanes there too yep yep. creates a panic attack then leaves like the wonderful friend she is#no i think.she does most of our schoolwork. and is also the nicest. so theres that#im gonna. shut up now before i think too hard. nope there is One Guy in here thats Me. Yep huh. shut up.#actually i think og izza is still there to deal w relatives and thats why im thinking about this now#idk#if she is shes very stressed about everything ever. idk. i dknt fukcing know
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havent hit the straw that broke the camels back yet but by GOD are we getting there
#''''friend'''' of mine just got me a portable fan#because he and my other friend already had one and he wanted me to join them in ''being less sweaty''#on a related note i have had at least 3 panic attacks in the last couple weeks based on the last time he called me sweaty#i hate it here#vent post
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this morning we had car trouble (oil light kept turning on, even after refilling), now we have water leaking down our living room wall because the drain for the washing machine wasn't placed correctly.
I've been bawling my eyes out all afternoon. I am so incredibly tired and hormonal, my brain just crashes.
#my friend brought babe home & my dad can pick babe up and drop him off at the garage tomorrow. that was one thing handled.#after a shower and a good cry i'm finally sitting on the couch after putting on a load of laundry when i hear dripping#i look behind me and the fresh white paint is just watering down. i run upstairs in a panic#turn off the washing machine. babe grabs the last towels that I had unpacked to dry the puddle that had formed#we called the cooperation and the guy who relocated the supply and drains is available to come over tomorrow#i. am. so. freaking. done.#i'm defeated
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how it feels getting trapped in a sleep paralysis/false awakening loop for 40 minutes while trying to take a nap right before having to make a phone call
#this made less and less sense the more i worked on it and the more the memory faded#didn't see a demon or anything (couldn't open my eyes) but hallucinated for the first time ever someone?#presumed it was my friend or sibling or something someone who could feasibly get in my room#poking me in the ribs bc they thought it was funny (it was not)#was going to try to find an emoji or one of those meme faces but i don't think it would have worked as well#so hurrah first my art im posting exclusively to this blog#literally the ONLY thing in one of the loops that indicated it being a dream was where in the previous loop i moved my water bottle#and it was in the same place that i moved it into the previous loop#the fuckiest thing was i was trying to take deep breaths to not panic but i couldn't control my lungs or airways or anything#so it was a lot like when you surface from water and there's that vacuum and you try to suck in air#but there's nothing there so there's that massive disconnect of what you expect to what you feel and ofc that makes it worse#but also when i was trying to exhale and my body (on autopilot) was inhaling#that phone call went surprisingly well considering i was like only 40% sure it was even real#i'm like still only 60% this is real some of those loops were scarily realistic#yikes#i uh don't like this feeling#i really didn't like that#sleep paralysis#false awakening loop#eggsistential draws#my art#eggsistential speaks#tag rant
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