#one more recap to do then I can finally actually focus on fic

[idealisticrealism]

TCL 2x11 recap

Ok so in honour of the S3 renewal (!!!! shut up I’m not crying YOU’RE crying aaaaaaahhhh!!!) here are a few very very belated TCL thoughts… and of course, many many many more thoughts still to come for 2x12 lol 

So I am already immediately needing to know how much time has passed between last ep and this one lol. Maybe a few days? I mean Luca is looking so much better, and he’s so excited to see Fi and his cousins. (Lol at the fact Marco doesn't even get mentioned, even though he only died like 2 months ago. Like yaasss everybody, Marco who???). Also I really like the way Thony asks “JD let you come?”, bc it’s not judgmental or snarky, it’s more acknowledging the difficult position Fi is in and her gratitude that she came. Also oooh we are definitely back in Vegas for the filming now– this is filmed at Adventuredome in LV. But ugh Thony going from smiling at Luca’s excitement to spotting Joseph :( poor woman just can’t even get 5 minutes of simple happiness before something drags her back down again. (Also I assume she still has her big bald shadow following her around and so that’s how Joseph knew where to find her?) 

Oooh Nadia definitely still has her shadow. And damn she’s in the fanciest of prisons rn, stuck in RK’s penthouse. Since this phone conversation is apparently the first time she and Arman have talked since she poisoned RK, and Arman isn’t looking completely panicked about where she's been, then I’m guessing not too much time could have passed since then– maybe it really has only been a few days? Also I really wanna know how much Arman was able to find out about what happened to RK? Like did he finally hurry into Fast Lane after his little excursion with Garrett, frantically looking around  to see if Nadia might still be there, only to find all the staff gossiping about how the boss was taken to hospital and how Ms Morales went with him??? And then he tries to call her but can’t get through– so what did he do??  Did he text her and risk it being seen by RK, or did he just go home and sit there waiting by his phone? Also ugh I wish we got to see his reaction to her saying that Thony saved RK, bc yasss to that drama lol.  And ugh yes to Nadia referring to Thony as ‘your cleaning lady’ again.  Idc that Nadia means it in a negative way, it’s still implying a connection between Armony and that’s what I’m all about lol. Anyway I did like that Arman was immediately down to rescue Nadia though. Oh my sweet brave yet somewhat stupid boy lol. Also goddammit I really gotta learn spanish bc while I very much respect them not using subtitles a lot of the time, I still always wanna know everything that's being said lol

Haha RK is Big Mad about his heart attack. “I had a full physical just a few months ago, there was nothing that indicated any issue with my heart” ok well I mean a ‘physical’ is a pretty basic check, so unless the doctor randomly decided to arrange an angiogram (a surgical procedure which is not done on people who don’t have symptoms), then there’s no way they could have definitively known the heart was fine… so maybe calm down a bit there buddy? Also again, we saw last ep that you’re on blood thinners, so there is definitely something wrong somewhere.  But lol the hot doctor guy saying “high potassium can cause hyperkalaemia” is so funny because hyperkalaemia is literally just the technical term for high potassium. But props to him for telling RK it could have been caused by stress lol– you’re a brave and potentially foolish man, Doc. Also loooolllll RK pouting in the bed like a petulant child and Nadia basically telling him to grow up. Poor woman is already a prisoner and now she has to deal with this giant baby too?? Now this is real torture

Oh the penthouse is at Caesar’s Palace?? Daaaamn, that’s gotta be pricey. (Also sigh,  looks like I’m gonna need to make another trip to Vegas this year to see these new locations haha). But oooohh at the meaningful eye contact between Nadia and Thony as Nadia hands her the medical file. Also he asks Thony her opinion within literally like 10 seconds of her opening the file– like give her a minute to actually read it before she gives her answer, maybe?? But oh man the tightrope she walks when she says that it could have been a drug interaction, but then follows it by saying there’s nothing in the report that indicates that that’s the case. And then ugh she immediately tries yet again to talk him into letting her and Arman handle the medication shipment. And when he tells her that the shipment has gone missing and his men are currently investigating to find out who is to blame? There’s no question for her that it was Arman, and ugh she’s trying so hard to keep her face neutral and not let the dread and anger and fear show. Because by stealing that shipment, Arman has put two of the people she loves most at risk: Luca, and himself. And even worse, she knows that in a way it’s her fault, because he did it for her. this is true love right here bitches

But ugh Nadia and Thony walking out together, and Thony’s grim expression, clearly hating that she had to tell the truth about the drug interaction because it was all a test– one that she needed to pass for the safety of her whole family– versus the fear in Nadia’s eyes and the cuttting edge to her voice as she tells Thony to tell Arman that she sold them both out?? And then the total tone change as she graciously thanks her for coming? Damn the relationship between these two is so engrossing, especially because as much as they are at odds, they do often have a lot of empathy towards one another and help each other out even when you might not expect them to. S3 please give me all the Thony and Nadia team ups please

Ooooh Garrett that was actually pretty smooth? Lucky no one was in the toilets though lol. Fair enough for him to be pretty pissed with her– she lied to him about Maya, and now she is being driven around by RK’s guys? It doesn’t look great. And aaaahh I have been waiting for this confrontation scene since the moment Maya died,  and tbh Oliver is doing a great job with expressing the hurt and anger and betrayal. And man the way Thony’s voice is so small as she tells him she’s sorry? And his “Or have you gotten so good at lying and covering up the truth that you don’t even recognise it?�� like oooohhhh what a blow, and what an insightful statement. Honestly Thony needs someone to call her out like this, to make her see the path she is headed down and the ways that she has already changed. Not that I don’t want her to continue on this path haha, because getting to watch Mob Boss Thony is definitely the absolute dream (heck yeah bring on S3), but I want her to be a badass boss without losing her humanity. But tbh I love the fact that the moment she gets the call that Luca is at the hospital, it’s like the fight is immediately put on hold because it’s just understood that Luca comes before anything else.

Seriously though, Fi took him to a public hospital???? The woman who tried to stop Thony from doing the same thing in 1x02 because she was so scared she’d be deported??? Like if there was no other option, sure, but Fi literally has Dr Saroyan’s number (Thony gave it to her when she went to The Philippines) and she knows that Luca has been taken to Dr Saroyan’s clinic before? Why would she not try that first????????? Like ok tbh I would have been fine with it if there was even just a quick little throwaway line like “I tried calling Dr Saroyan but his receptionist said he’s away in Boston for a week” so it covered that plot hole. But whatevs, we need the drama I guess lol. But ugh honestly Jazz makes such a good suggestion about calling JD to take Luca inside instead– like even if he will take a little bit to get there, he could switch out with Fi so she’s not at any more risk than she needs to be? Ugh this is so dumb I don't need this stress in my life

“My nephew has a high fever and he started throwing up about an hour ago”  wait are you kidding me????  that’s all you’re going to say, Fi??? That makes it sound like simple gastroenteritis. You gotta lead with the fact that this is an immunocompromised child like 2 months post liver transplant?? Oh my god. Tbh I hate this scene for multiple reasons, partly because of the above, but also partly because of how uncomfortable it feels with the guards staring at her (though that's obviously the point), and also because it’s just a reminder of how terrible the US healthcare system is (which lbr is probably also the point). But ugh even this really lovely Filipina nurse is making me afraid that it’s all actually a trap and ICE is already on their way ughhhh I hate this

“I’m not hungry!” yep RK is definitely a child lol. But oh shit the backstory about his dad dying from a heart attack at 45 and then RK taking every possible precaution to avoid the same– like hell okay maybe he actually did get himself an angiogram and all the other fancy cardiac testing?? lol. In which case Nadia is really in trouble haha. When he had Joseph pour her the champagne (the same one she poisoned him with, naturally) I was so terrified for her ugh. Ngl I was unhappy about her throwing suspicion onto Thony about the shipment, but I mean it was pretty understandable— especially bc she felt that Thony had betrayed her first, and also tbh there was no other possible scapegoat for it except for herself or Arman. But ugh her shiny eyes as RK walks away, knowing that she is walking such a knife’s edge with him and that he might snap at any moment? Ugh my girl. Plus honestly I’d definitely like to think that she also felt at least a little bad about the fact that she may have just gotten Thony killed–  if circumstances were different, I honestly think these women could actually have been something almost like friends ugh

Ugh okay now Thony has arrived at the ER and finally someone is being made aware of Luca’s history and the urgency of the situation!!  Also damn she’s impressively persuasive given she manages to get that lady to call a code… this is making me want to fish out my old hospital ID to see whether we had a code white lol. It definitely didn't mean ‘medical emergency’ though, because naturally that one I did know, having responded to them often enough lol

Also lol I just noticed that there’s a pamphlet saying ‘stem cell therapy saves lives’ on it at the desk, and it has the initials/logo of the Institute of Stem Cell Medicine (the place where she took Luca in early S1) on it!! Like it’s probable that they were just recycling medical props from last season but I love this little easter egg omg

Ugghhhh I am still so uncomfortable about these guys being at this hospital at all. Like I get that it’s for plot reasons, creating the whole ‘what if we get noticed and deported’ tension, but it’s just so frustrating that everyone has forgotten about Dr Saroyan!! Like c'mon guys. Plus I just miss him lol, he was so softspoken and pretty. Though tbh this Dr Gonzalez is quite pretty too. In fact, pretty much every doctor that has appeared in this show has been rather attractive– seriously where were all these beautiful people during my training??? at acting school obviously lol

OOOH. Thony just said that Luca is 10 weeks post-transplant! Excellent, I’ve been meaning to put together a timeline of the TCL events, considering that the entire show literally happens over the course of like 4 months. So Luca was a week postop when he and Thony came back from Mexico (1x09) and then Marco kidnapped him like another week later (end of 1x10/start of 2x01), so looks like S2 has happened over the course of about 8 weeks. Which tbh actually seems a little long to be accurate, given that several of the eps happen literally the day after the previous ep’s events, but it could potentially work. Guess I’ll find out when I actually put the timeline together lol

Anyway is it weird that I felt proud when Dr Gonzalez said that (from the scans, I assume) Luca’s graft looks extremely clean and that a surgical complication definitely wasn’t the cause for his current condition? Like ugh damn straight my girl Thony did an incredible job on the surgery. And what a relief it must be for her to hear that she didn’t cause this, because you know that's been her greatest fear ever since she realised she was going to have to do the surgery in the first place

Stepping into the chapel to call her married(ish?) criminal boyfriend? I love it. Blaspheme away, girl, I support you wholeheartedly. I also love that she knows he was the one who took the shipment, knows he did this for her, to prove to her he meant it when he said he wouldn’t let his plan to kill Kamdar endanger Luca. But of course now that plan (along with Thony’s thwarting of it) has endangered all of them lol. Oops. Also dude I had been wondering why this ep hadn’t quite been doing it for me thus far (like of course I’m enjoying it, but just not as much as other eps) and I mean part of it is definitely the focus on Robert and also the borderline insanity of bringing Luca to this hospital, but mostly it’s because I’ve been like EXCUSE ME. WHERE IS MY BOY. WHERE IS MY PRECIOUS MURDER CUPCAKE. WHERE. Like seriously up until this point we have gotten a total of like 20 seconds of Arman onscreen and that is simply not enough for me to survive on lol. But ugh finally we are getting some good fucking food, as Gordon Ramsay would say, bc fuck yes to this entire phone exchange– Arman clearly angry and upset that she didn’t trust him enough to follow his plan (you just know he’s thinking back to their plan in 1x10 and how she trusted him then, but has since seemingly turned her back on him; dw so much more will be said on that in the next recap lol), then there’s Thony acknowledging that she made a mistake/that her choice endangered them all (aka maybe that she doesn’t always know better than everyone), and then there’s the way that all the fire immediately goes out of Arman the moment he hears how sick Luca has gotten. Ngl even though the ‘my son is dying!’ thing is getting a liiiiittle bit stale (I mean to be fair though, it is realistic for how a parent with a dying/chronically ill child would be), I do love that the two powerful men in Thony’s life will immediately put aside their own frustrations and agendas for Luca. (and, of course, for Thony herself)

“We’ll get those meds, but after that we’re done.” Honestly, I love this line, because you just know it’s not true; literally the emptiest threat my boy has ever made haha. But it’s important for it to be said anyway– considering that Arman has already established to Thony through both words and actions that he will do pretty much anything for her, the act of telling her that they’re done is one of the only ways he can express to her how much she has hurt him without literally saying those exact words aloud. (It’s probably also partly habit from his fights with Nadia, too; I don't doubt they've both threatened each other with divorce multiple times lol, which is extra funny now we know they were never married in the first place).  But anyway lbr here, he’s never going to follow through on this threat with Thony, just like he didn’t in 2x05 after he said it the first time. But the point is that there’s still just enough uncertainty there– the possibility that maybe this time he really does mean it– that it kinda forces Thony to examine her choices and face the idea that unless she trusts him and lets him be her equal partner in this, she might lose him. But ugghhh at him immediately grabbing all the money he has left in the world and coming out of hiding to help her save Luca. Just like she knew he would, before he even answered the phone– because like she told Fi: he always shows up when she needs him. 

Also, catch me screaming over the fact that the man has no reason to have her motorbike helmet with him, but does anyway??? Like last we saw him, he was at La Habana on the phone with Nadia, finding out about Kamdar, and presumably he went right home and got the essentials to take into hiding– which apparently includes Thony’s motorbike helmet. Y’know, just in case she called, needing him. I’m so fine and normal about this I swear

Actually you know what, I'm not fine at all, because we were absolutely robbed of the scene where she manages to sneak out the back of the hospital and he pulls up to get her and just silently holds out the helmet, and then on the ride it really hits her that maybe he will  walk away after all this and that it will be all her fault, and between that terrible feeling of dread and her overwhelming fear for Luca she starts to cry silently, her arms clinging to him tighter than usual because she’s so terrified she’s about to lose two of the people she loves most, and then at one point they’re stopped at a traffic light and he covers one of her hands with his and squeezes, like he can sense that she’s barely keeping herself together, and she cries harder because if she still has him then maybe it will all be okay, maybe they will get the meds and get back to Luca in time and maybe she can stop trying to carry all this weight on her own and–

But anyhow, I digress lol. I love that Arman steps straight into the office and barely spares the guy a glance as he grabs the bolt cutters and the paper with the container number on it. Man is on a mission to save his future stepson lol, and god help anyone who gets in his way. And ugh I just love everything about his and Thony’s teamwork– she finds the container and he comes running with the bolt cutters; he starts cutting the inventory lists free and handing them off to her, letting her guide him to the right spot. They just work so naturally together without needing to discuss it and idk man I am just very into everything they do together lol (and boy i would sure love for them to do some ~other~ stuff together lol)

God the look of terror on her face when they hear the cars screech into the shipping yard, and the way he whispers a reassurance to her and touches her arm for just a second as he passes? And then he peeks around the corner and sees several of Kamdar’s men being pointed their way (damn that little rat bastard for selling them out) and ugh I want to hug him because he knows how bad these odds are, knows that he might be about to die right now but that doesn’t matter, all that matters is keeping them from getting to Thony. Like ughhhhhh “I’ll do what I can to hold them off” and then him locking her inside the container?? He knows she has her phone, knows that even if he dies taking all the men out then she will still be able to call for help, so he takes every measure he can to keep her safe and give her the best chance of survival. I also stupidly love that it’s his knife that she’s using to cut out and search the inventory lists, and his knife that is her only weapon/defense. Just another way he protects her ugh

Though lol at him choking the guy out in like 5 seconds while the guy doesn’t even fight it. Kamdar would be embarrassed to be associated with such a pathetic goon lol. Ngl tho I very much enjoy watching Arman getting beaten up and thrown into objects and still getting up and keeping fighting because this is a fight he simply cannot afford to lose ugh

Okay these writers definitely do not know how to write delirious kids lol, but I forgive them. However I don’t forgive the nurse guy who Fi goes to for help, considering he glances at the monitor for half a second and then says Luca is probably just tired. Like seriously how did this guy get through nursing school? And then lol the next minute Luca has a tiny bit of a nosebleed (not even actively dripping) and Dr Gonzalez gets someone running in with a procedure cart to shove unnecessary packing up his nose. Like hey guys can you maybe try to find a happy medium between under- and overreacting lol??

God Thony dropping the phone and not being able to reach it makes me feel so stressed, and then ugh her being found because Fi keeps calling her??? Reminds me of 1x01 and Fi’s call being the reason she gets found and thrown in front of Arman in the first place. The woman really needs to learn to put her ringer on silent lol. But god how badass that she literally climbs her way out and runs across the top of the container and makes a jump for it? Like damn Arman was right, she really has learned a few things lol. Also fucking love Arman seeing Thony getting cornered by two gunmen and responding by immediately taking out his own guy (by fighting dirty, throwing sand in his eyes and then kicking him in the balls, to which I say hell yeah) before diving for his gun and shooting the guy who was about to shoot Thony. And then taking out the other guy too, before yelling for her to get down and killing the guy who had just appeared out of the container behind her (what that guy was still doing in the container for so long when Thony had already escaped, who knows lol). And ugh when he signals for her to run over to him, she doesn’t hesitate, just knows that he will cover her and make sure she makes it safely, and then they make their escape together on the bike with him shooting the last two guys while racing out of there??? Like honestly this man needs to go straight back to jail because being this sexy is a goddamn CRIME

Ugh, yet again we were robbed of the possible Armony though– like excuse me, where is my scene of her clinging to him again as he races them back to the hospital, then the two of them frantically asking each other if they’re okay/uninjured before he reassures her he’s fine and sends her back in to save Luca, telling her to call him as soon as she has news?? Like seriously where is it, writers??? I need ALL the Armony ugh

Ngl I’m on Dr Gonzalez’s side here lol, bc what Thony is proposing to do is legit crazy– not to mention both illegal and unethical, which would be sOO MUCH LESS OF A PROBLEM IF Y’ALL HAD GONE TO MY BOY DR SAROYAN INSTEAD, BUT NOOOOOOOO. Like again, I know that they had to end up at a proper hospital for the plot, but ugh that doesn’t stop the plot from being annoying lol. Though tbh I do love that they can only achieve their plan of sneakily giving Luca the treatment he needs because of their little network of cleaning ladies haha. Who run the world???? 

Lbr tho this girl is taking a huge risk for them– I appreciate the writers at least giving the explanation that it’s in thanks for Thony delivering Nina’s baby, but still, can we at least try to minimise her involvement so she doesn’t go down with you??? In fact, get Fi the hell out of here too, you don’t need her! Especially since Luca apparently needs to be ventilated for 36 hours for the drug to work, which means it is literally impossible for them to NOT get caught doing this. Aaaaahhhh I am so stressed lol. Aaand yep they’ve been caught by Dr Gonzalez already, who actually kind of seems like he might go along with it– what is it about the Thony & Luca combo that men just can’t say no to lol?? lbr I would not say no either sooo

Like lol Garrett literally admits it to Russo, that he was right in the middle of yelling at Thony and then let her go the moment there was a call about Luca. He really does get too close to his CIs and tbh I love that about him because it’s both a flaw and one of his main redeeming attributes. And ugh when he tells her that he believed Arman when he said that it came down to a choice between Thony or Maya (love the fact that both Russo and Garrett are well aware just how much Thony means to Arman), and that Arman is a criminal who actually tells the truth? Which is ironic because Garrett is a law enforcement officer that will lie and manipulate people all day long if it serves his purpose. Like yesss this is what the show has been saying all along– people aren’t just black and white, good and bad. The world is complicated and grey and what’s ‘right’ isn’t always clear

Speaking of complicated though, oh god Garrett and Russo. What are you two doing. Like I appreciate that Garrett says he’s a mess and needs to figure himself out, that was very mature of him…… aaaaaand now they’re hooking up lol. I still can’t get over the fact that timeline-wise, it’s been like a week since Maya’s death, but hey I guess everyone copes in their own way or whatever lol

Uggghhhh god it is so hard to watch this scene with Dr Gonzalez bringing in the cops and child services, but tbh are you REALLY so shocked, Thony?? Honestly she has been just getting away with shit for far too long, and even when there’s repercussions (like Arman or Garrett getting pissed with her) she gets forgiven quickly enough that it seems she’s forgotten that she might actually have to face real, permanent consequences. (Again, Marco who?? lol) But I do kinda love how angry and disbelieving she is about them taking her away, because it is so fitting for her character, and fits with the way she deals with fear/panic. But again I’m just saying Thony, you could have been sipping coffee with Arman at Luca’s bedside in Dr Saroyan’s clinic rn, but instead Luca is being taken from you, and you and Fi are in handcuffs. Sigh why do these fictional characters never listen to me

Omg wtf RK is trying to drown Nadia?????? No fucking way will I allow this. Ok that’s it, I’ve been saying all along that this dude gotta die and now there’s no going back. KILL HIM NADIA. MAKE HIM REGRET BEING BORN

[ginnyw-potter-archive]

A recap of 2023

so this is the year I wrote. I wrote more than I have ever done and so I thought it would be nice to look back on 2023 and look a little further back as well.

I used to write fanfic, I think I started about 14 years ago. I am not a native speaker and my English definitely needed some work then. I also have so many qualms about my old writing (I apparently hadn't found out about paragraphs yet), but we all have to start writing somewhere.

I stopped writing little by little, feeling burned out and completely stopped in 2018 (for various reasons). I don't think I wrote anything at all in 2019 or very little. In 2020 I dipped my toes in again with a few oneshots.

End of 2021 is when I started writing again and finally came back to writing Harry Potter fanfic. I started out with a longfic of 70K words! It was a struggle and I think it's like a muscle that wasn't being used. A Guiding Light is the fic that got me back in and I posted it throughout 2022.

And then I started two new fics because I was inspired again. I started posting those at the end of 2022/start of 2023. Knight of Mine and Peverell's Progeny have both surpassed the word count of Guiding Light with ease. It was never my purpose to get to a certain word count, and it is not what I focus on, but going from nearly 0 words in 2020 and slowly increasing, it's amazing to see myself putting out so many words.

And as well this year I focused less on what things I think people want to read and got a little more self-indulgent and it is so rewarding. It really makes me enjoy writing it even more.

My mental health has been shit before and it really took a nose dive in 2018, but this year I finally started feeling like myself again. My anxiety has gotten so much better and in turn I have been sick way less (although I did knock it out of the park at the start of the year with about 5 weeks of various illnesses) so I feel like I can enjoy life more in general. I am not sure if my writing helped me get there or if I am writing more because I am feeling better. All in all, I think writing has been helping me get through various things and it is one of the only things I enjoy doing consistently.

I haven't kept exact track of how much I wrote in the last year but based on my AO3 statistics as they are today (26th of Dec), I think it's safe to say that 2023 has surpassed all the others before.

You can see the majority of what I wrote, 414K of a total 541K, has been posted in the last year. It's crazy to think about. A lot of people found my writing as well this year and it's been so amazing getting that feedback ...as well as crazy paternity guesses with emojis, begging me for horse smut (that is still a no-you know who you are) and bribing me to update early... they really do make my day and some of you are too funny for your own good.

Looking ahead a little, I want to see what else I can achieve in the upcoming year. I am not setting any specific goals for myself other than continuing to work on my ongoing fics and not starting too many new ones (*pushes Pirate AU back under the bed*) Buut I am curious how much writing I actually get up to and so I made myself a little tracker.

Bullet journaling is the only other hobby aside from writing that I seem to be able to do consistently. I just kind of fell out of it in the summer of 2022 and finally picked it back up again for 2024. I think when I wasn't writing, it was a good different outlet for me and I still enjoy it. It simply slipped out of my habits, especially when I moved out on my own last year and I was too focused on keeping up with chores and other stuff. Now I am a little more organised, so I do hope to keep it up. It will also force me to do something else than writing once in a while, which is probably healthy for me.

This tracker looks a little chaotic, I know, but i wanted to get everything on one page. Maybe next year I can tell you exactly how much I wrote.

And word counts are nice but I think improving is also important and I do feel like I have managed to learn a lot of things this year and I will continue to do so in the coming year. I take great inspiration from other people's writing. I always get inspired when I read an especially good fic (which often ends up with me starting a new WIP, send help) and I discover new ways to put in descriptions or how to phrase something a certain way. And talking to other fic writers on here, or discord, is also where I learn a lot. A ton of you are so talented and it is such a joy to be able to discuss things, pick your brains and get feedback. Sometimes I just learn things by reading along to someone else's discussion. Sometimes you find answers to questions you didn't know to ask!

I also want to thank my beta readers, who have read so many words this year. They are so FAST and then apologise for being slow. I cherish them so much.

If you read up to this point, thank you! If you've read a fic of mine this year, thank you as well. If you left me kudos or comments, recced me... you get a little kiss on the forehead.

If you have achievements of your own this year that you are proud of, do share them! (Reblog or send me an ask, I want to hear about it!) Let's celebrate all the work you put in!

[lemongingerart]

Chapter 1 - Departure (I)

Fic summary: The second arc of my Armitage Hux x OC fanfic, “chocolate cookies and tarine tea”, in which both need to deal with the mess they got into (and each other, eh eh eh). Involves cookies that won't be eaten and tea that will get spilled. Same goes for certain feelings... they are going to be hungry ant thirsty 😏

You can find the link to AO3 and other chapters on Tumblr in the pinned message on my dash, both for the first and second arc 😊

Rating: Explicit. This is going to be very NSFW. So, Minors, do NOT read or interact. 18+. Family, friends and colleagues, please don’t read this. :’-)

Tags & warnings: TRoS fix-it (kind of), Hux!lives, Hux doesn’t like Kylo, Not a Redemption Arc, maybe a little bit, shameless fem!OC insert (there are cliches but entertaining ones imo), slow emotional burn, medium sexual burn, Enemies to Enemies With Benefits to Lovers, Hux is still a villain don't forget, Virgin Characters, masturbation against the door, pinv, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Awkward Sexual Situations, Past Child Abuse, dubious first kiss, Dom/sub Undertones, Mental Breakdown, Unprotected Sex, wet Hux, that deserves a tag/warning on its own, Minor Character Death

I will add tags as we proceed in the story, please let me know if I forgot one!

Taglist: @mylifeisactuallyamess, @morby and anyone who’d like to join 🥰

A/N:     Hello dear, it's been a while! I wasn’t actually planning on publishing yet (I still need to finish up the header and the last scene) but after attending star wars celebration I am so high on Hux again! As an extra, I'm also uncharacteristically impulsive. This is not going to end well, ah ah ah.

Arc 2 has been written, up till some very *interesting * scenes! The whole thing got out of hand a bit, I already have almost 23k words for part 1 of this arc (part 2 will follow with the same amount, but still working it through) I should be able to more or less update on a regular basis for the next 11 chapters now, since I only need to review them!

Because I know some of you have read arc 1 a good while ago, let me give you this short recap: Hux, Miko and PC just left Utapau Four and are heading to Taris, so they can obtain the coördinates to the Resistance base. Hux has been in a stressful and frustrated mood (at least, more than usual), while Miko is gloomy from trying to deal with her new reality: she might not be able to return to her home for good.

Get ready for a whole whirlwind of (mis)adventures.

Armitage was looking to the everlasting hyperspace clouds, as if he was paying attention to it for the first time in his life. If Miko wanted to start a conversation - which she certainly didn’t - his intense gaze would've stopped her from doing so. She wondered what he was thinking, looking so serious and focussed on the void ahead.

This time however, she mused, the silence didn’t feel loaded and somehow had turned into something comforting. They had an actual plan and could focus on the upcoming mission. Everything was more or less under control. 

Miko felt like she finally had the time to study her companion. From the seat she was in, she noticed he was frowning deeply, and she could guess by that serious stern look on his face, he was thinking about the current bantha poodo he was in. 

She sat back in the co-pilot 's chair while keeping an eye on his side profile. She knew by now he had done some horrible things - based on her father's reaction - although she didn't know the exact details. 

Thinking back to the way he introduced himself to her with so much flair, his previous position within the military must’ve meant everything to him. The First Order was probably the only life he knew. And she doubted one could become a general by playing along nicely, so he probably has done and sacrificed a lot to get in that seat. 

Still, he betrayed all that. For what?

Her mind wandered back to the time he miraculously woke up beneath her, onboard the Steadfast . She really was convinced he was dead at the time. She could remember the shock she felt, when she unceremoniously had fallen down on his limp body. But the memory was blurred by the storm of emotions and adrenaline she went through that moment. 

Did I really somehow… revive him, like he said? How could that be even frigging possible?  

The girl looked at her hands and slowly turned them around, trying to see if something happened if she tensed the muscles in her fingers. 

Of course, it was to no avail, making her wonder if he was just making things up for some obscure reason. But why would he do that? 

Nothing made sense these past days . The chaos, violence, the unexpected get-away, everything was wearing her down.

She slowly looked back to the ex-general and noticed how his jaw was slightly moving. 

Was he grinding his teeth… again ? 

At this moment, she was absolutely positive this man was full of frustrations and looking at the bags under his bloodshot eyes and his pale skin, the stress was eating him slowly but surely. 

She closed her eyes. If she was not going to stop paying attention to him, she was going to start getting worked up as well, and that wouldn’t help them any further. 

After a short pause, Miko felt relatively at ease again and decided to follow Hux’ gaze, so she started staring at the hyperspace clouds as well. They were somehow enchanting, the slight rotation of the ship making the clouds swirl and giving the space outside a dreamy aura. 

Honestly, right now, this all felt like a bad dream. She had always wanted to leave Utapau Four behind, and she used to fantasise about steering her own ship, drifting through hyperspace, from system to system. Seeing the most beautiful parts of the galaxy. Looking for a place with more purpose to land. 

She once wished for adventure, but now, the sting of hastily having to say goodbye to her father, maybe for good, was reminding her that she wasn't living her dream. This was all too real and absolutely not how she wanted to leave her home behind. 

She felt the urge to cry slowly rising from her chest, but she refused to give in to those feelings, especially around that pompous manipulative asshole. She gulped and kept her head down, trying to find tranquillity once again.

Only a few seconds later, she noticed a small but very irritating noise originating from the left. She looked back at Hux, who was now grinding his teeth so loud she could hear it from her seat and it was not helping her current emotional state.

Kriff.

‘Could you please stop doing that?? It’s not good for both your teeth and my headache’, she said, grumbling, only then realising she was again talking before thinking things through. 

This frigging bastard had almost choked me to death, if it wasn’t for PC , she hastily reminded herself, cold sweat appearing on her backside.

But the next thought that entered her worked up mind, were those glassy eyes again. Almost instantly she felt her cheeks go red, betrayed by her own thoughts, so she swiftly diverted her attention to the other side of the shuttle and gulped. She sincerely hoped he wouldn't turn around and see the blush under the dim light.

Unfortunately, Hux decided to redirect his energy from destroying his teeth to destroying any hope for a normal conversation, and he slowly faced her. 

‘Just who do you think you’re talking to?’ he replied with a low voice, giving her a dangerous look, as if she had done something extremely rude. Her body already involuntarily responded to his words and made her turn her attention back to him, momentarily forgetting the blush and trying to process his rude comment.  

Was this the tone he normally used when a subordinate had messed up pretty bad? she absently considered, trying to find a way to explain that this reply was somehow socially acceptable in Worst Order context. 

But, despite trying to negate the brusqueness in what he just said, she could not get rid of the feeling that he was intimidating her, that was for sure. And, combined with the reason she had been blushing before, he was tearing her apart with these most confusing thoughts.

Right now, under his persistent, piercing gaze, she felt like she couldn’t breathe easily, feeling mixed emotions of anger, inadequacy from her part (and for what? He didn't have anything to expect from her), getting slightly terrified and some other burning feeling from her abdomen. One that matched well with her pink cheeks.

She abruptly closed her mouth and looked away with a defying glance. There was no good verbal response she could come up with, especially since she felt like he turned her into a mess so easily. 

This was a conversation she wouldn’t take any further, because it was going to end in the both of them shouting again, and maybe worse. 

The next few seconds, her discomfort only escalated further into distress. Miko felt like she was walking on thin ice, scared to accidentally provoke him. Not that she was convinced there were any actual triggers, but the thought of his hands around her throat tended to do that to her. So, she decided she didn’t want to stay in the same room with him any more and left the cockpit without a word.

Armitage watched Miko’s back when she retreated from the cockpit. He made notice of her posture, which wasn't reflecting her usual defiance. Unlike their other unfortunate encounters, she looked a bit resigned but mainly confused, most likely too emotionally disturbed to be thinking clearly. Her face looked a bit worked up, too.

Thinking back on what he just said to her, he may have been overreacting due to his train of thoughts. She didn't actually say something offensive, although it was much more straightforward than any other conversation he has had in the past years. 

Taking into account that she already looked off, he hoped she wasn’t going to do anything stupid because of his response.

Given her mood though, he opted not to go after her, and wait in the cockpit a little longer. The atmosphere was already loaded enough and he wasn't looking forward to more energy consuming drama or useless fights. 

He automatically turned his attention back to the hyperspace void in front of him and picked up where his thoughts were left, before her intermission. 

The stress started eating at him again. He wasn’t used to having time for anything, and now he sat there, waiting, counting the hours before he was to be delivered to the enemy, at his own suggestion, no less. 

Was he going to be able to break Ren? How much more did he need to give up so he could remove that idiot, who knocked him from his ambitious trajectory? Is it all going to be worth it and what's going to be left of the First Order in the end? Will there be a chance for him to start over and get in charge again?

There had to be, it was the only life he knew. He had been there, only a little five year old boy, when the Order rose from the ashes of the Empire. So many sacrifices, harsh decisions and risks were taken to become what they were. He personally had pushed himself to the limits, over the limits, sometimes to the brink of insanity, to achieve greatness for the First Order. 

His mind wandered further,  thinking back about the choices he made, the career path he chose and pushed himself forward for.  The way he crawled up to the chain of command.

Yes, corruption was within their ranks. He wasn’t clean of those tactics either, but that’s part of the game. He learned those tricks from his father. 

Armitage grimaced at the thought of the latter, and how he made sure the younger Hux understood his teachings. 

There’s no way one could keep his hands clean in achieving leadership. But at least, he knew how the giant war machine worked, something Ren lacked. They all underestimated him, they didn't understand how far he was willing to go and up till now that had always worked in his advantage. 

The empire had shown that a strong hand was imperative to attain peace, but it was too flawed. And with insane emotionally unstable idiots like Ren at the top, the First Order was risking the same end. Something had to be done.

But, after literally leaking the Emperor's message to the resistance and letting high ranked resistance members escape, will he ever be able to seize command? Maybe he did go too far, this time? 

 He didn’t have many allies left. Phasma perished as did Snoke. Lower officers like Mitaka could prove to be loyal to him, given Ren’s outbursts on the personnel. But in high command, he was losing popularity because of Starkiller and the Fulminatrix.

And then there was that huge factor he hadn’t taken into account properly. 

Pryde. 

He knew of the sick prick and his reserve forces, but none of the acting officers of the First Order out in the outer rim were aware of how Pryde had strengthened their numbers so fast. The so-called allegiant-general had become a powerful and influential player. Suddenly, the tables had turned and both Pryde and Ren almost succeeded in removing him from the board of command.

Then came Palpatine 's message, and it was as if it announced Hux's demise. Pryde convinced his loyal allegiant officers that going after the message would bring them significant strategic advantages, while Ren was not open for reason.  Hux was automatically on the other end of the bargain, and thus enemy number one within the Order's upper ranks. 

How convenient for both. 

He felt his palms grow sticky beneath his leather gloves. He could try to come up with alternative tactics, go over the scenarios over and over again, but he already knew in the back of his mind that there was no better option than the way too risky plan he had picked now.

His jaw felt stiff and was starting to hurt from the constant pressure, the sting bringing him back to the present. He sighed deeply and rubbed his nasal bone.

On second thought, getting into some drama or a fight with Miko suddenly feels much more appealing than drowning in these thoughtlines , he scoffed.

A/N: I'm ignoring Sloane for a minute because we don't know what happened to her, same goes for Thrawn. They will have a cameo later on though! I love them too much not to include them 🥰

[cielospeaks]

ive done year in reviews for gacha games before but tbh i want to do one this time for my stories/ideas/ect

brief summary of story content in 2022:

january: seidjarn christmas carol (feh) written. got changed a little from earlier drafts bc of some canon things but good news is bc of that sola got added! the sola + otr friendship is like one of my favorite things in the kasumiverse tbh.

january: case files rerun. heavily underdeveloped lol. tbh i headcanon that the cfr is just like. the “recap of earlier story arc” episode in the anime. well plus ashlynn + vee friendship and treblesal blondel de nesle style but screaming about m c u movies.

winter-???: aime tachi returns to my focus! speaking of mcu movies lol. the reason is in no small part bc of both nwh and a friend who was encouraging of this au. i think this year’s focus saw a lot more development and the addition of nwh led to a more solidified smtm (and a1) part from at2. i also finished writing the prologue yea! but aside from that nothing much was done lol. but it was brainstormed! and ill take that as a win

golden week 2022: escape the riyoverse! again influenced by movies slightly but ill give it that since the whole thing has a hollywood vibe lol. like most fgo stories its not solidified but its a super big crossover of all of the gw crossover characters (+ into the fics) leading up into it. it also answered a lot of storybuilding questions/ect. (what happens to the allegrofaces, as we saw anda and coda in idolgers, but due to some worlds being erased from existence their allegros’ fates are unknown. as well as why aime’s keyblade is melodic feathers ie allegros keyblade, mostly just those plot points lol)

???: “fallen angel kisumi” storyline. well its literally just an idea at this point. but it has merit. basically kisumi finally gives up after witnessing the crew be awful for too long when it also takes bel’s life, and kisumi absorbs his powers and uses them to recruit underutilized final event bosses who deserved better. aside from this the “school au” kisumi, who has like. no canon anything but definitely exists as school bel’s penpal and long distance friend. possibly if fallen angel kisumi goes after school bel, its up to school kisumi to save him. lol. idk.

november-???: twsty au! oh gosh i wasnt expecting to even like this game but i did. i am not immune to idiot bird principal and platonic dumbass boys. the au includes idolger buddies lieven and jaeger, but also introduces new faces like norytx, wesley, and danry, as well as the obligatory treble insert (who actually is very cool not to be punny lol.) and it gave me somewhat of a version of those characters who i wont mention specifically that i can actually like. shoutout to more side characters (alfe maybe?, the vice principal, magic hat sensei, elias, and annand) bc u are also cool.

 january-december: heroesverse book 6! again managed to finish it! it was a wild ride but it got done. sufficiently harder than before bc my guy elm was given like. nothing. in canon. so i had to ~improvise~ but a lot of the story was around em and the main squad anyways lol. idk. it works for what b6 was but i at least know what i want to do differently for b7!

and since thats mostly done on to the specifics!

best new character: i think im gonna give it to em! she gets fleshed out in story and has a nice little character arc. i like that she’s both a foil to kasumi and someone for her to help/to be helped by. shes also on a side note a big spiderman fan so that gets a big thumbs up from me.

best returning character: i think ill give it to aime! that doesnt count bc shes a self insert but idk. i feel like more shes a tribute to my childhood and coping with stuff but idk. mixed bag. i love her character arc from marvel arc to nwh, with coping with losing someone while she was out of their life, as well as growing to overcome old grudges (both of which are very relatable to me now/hit too hard for me personally), and on the positive side learning to feel again and care again after having to harden herself emotionally to get through life (again, same hat). it is just also like. magically self indulgent to be able to put essentially my insert/the cooler, more in universe me next to my favorite characters from different franchises and tldr i highly recommend kh aus -pacha meme-

best dynamic: listen i am always weak for idolgers and vore musical trio. the anda and mokou dynamic specifically is just. soul healing. and vmt is sorta that cliched “jaded dad doesnt want to have to care again but damnit someones gotta take care of these children” but i live for this iteration specifically, as the jaded dad is a dead murderer and these children are a lab experiment and a space plant. kisumi + kasumi also has nwh spiderman pointing meme vibes and is soul healing so im putting it here too.

biggest criticism: i feel like (esp in kasumiverse) i need to work on balancing serious/comedic, writing shorter, and having more fun writing. idk it just kinda feels like a chore, and that im just checking for plotholes instead of having fun. i also need to just flippin sit down and actually write the aimeverse stuff tbh. i go on abt how fun it is but i never actually write it ohmygosh

hope for the next year: idk. i think in general its just for me to have fun writing! i think i had fun writing the marvel arc so like. more of that please.

a story id like to write: itd be nice to actually write the “ghosts take scrooge to his past/present/future” part of the seidjarn christmas carol, but idk. since otrs past isnt too developed idk.

and speaking of acc id like to write that. it seems self contained (lol) so i feel like it might be easier (double lol)

i think itd also be nice to write more treblesal and trebleizou, just for fun. as a treat. treblenizou too. and since antonio has writing now trebletonio (or andrea/antonio with treble cesario-ing hard in the background. like ofc i want characters like dolores or miles but pls andrea survivor now!)

[christowhore]

Redeeming Myself

pairing: chris evans x professor!fem!reader

summary: after breaking your heart and losing your trust, chris makes it his mission to prove to you how much you mean to him.

word count: 6.3k

warnings: age gap (reader is 29, chris is 40), angst, reminiscing on past actions, fluff, talks with therapist, chris makes up for bad behavior, slight alcohol consumption, smut, happy endings, rpf !!! 18+ MINORS DNI !!!

notes: the final installment of Pining for Professor. it was only supposed to be a one shot, but i got inspired and expanded it. it took a while cause writers block, but it’s here. for anyone who has read the series, thank you and hope you enjoy ! 💓🥰

i do not allow the reposting, rewriting or translating of my fics. these are works of my own and i do not give permission for any of the acts stated above.

join my taglist !

SERIES MASTERLIST • MAIN MASTERLIST

For a month and a half following that afternoon, Chris began to go above and beyond to mend his mistakes in an effort to regain your trust.

He knew that he shouldn’t have been forgiven for the hurtful words he hurled at you, the voice he raised, and his cold demeanor through it all. But you forgave him nonetheless, which he was eternally grateful for.

Chris suspected that his venom-laced words still took a toll on your overall being. He sensed it in the way your usual humming was kept to a minimum, as did your soft caresses to his body. The fun facts that you would randomly blurt out had basically become nonexistent.

You hadn’t tried initiating sex with Chris due to still being affected by his actions, which was understandable to the brunette.

He could tell you were being cautious around him, which broke his heart more than he could’ve imagined.

The two of you never really talked in depth about what happened, deciding to push it under the rug and move past it. But ignoring the elephant in the room could only last for so long.

That morning was no different. He had spent the night at your place and decided to wake up and make you breakfast in an effort to mend the faltering relationship.

You woke up to an empty bed, something that you were used to since Chris had always been an early riser. Getting your morning routine out the way, you made your descent downstairs with the smell of pesto guiding you down the steps.

Walking into the kitchen, you saw the sight of your topless boyfriend, donning only a pair of boxers and an apron. You watched as he studiously focused on the skillet in front of him. His intense focus and the sounds of eggs frying in the pan made him oblivious to your arrival.

It wasn’t until you made your way towards the fridge next to him, that he registered your presence. “Morning princess, you sleep well.”

“Yeah, I slept fine,” your voice still a bit gravely from your slumber. You poured yourself a glass of orange juice, ignoring the intense gaze from Chris in your peripheral vision.

He was so used to having you touch him in the mornings. Not so much in a sexual way, but more intimately. The way your lips would ghost against his shoulder blade, your palms would hold his sides and pull him against you so that way you could bask in his warmth. Your arms would wrap around his front until your fingers absentmindedly toyed with his lower abdomen, playing with the wisps of hair on his happy trail.

He missed when you would move your lips until they met the space behind his ears, giving light open mouth kisses. The sound of you whispering ‘Morning daddy’ would leave him awestruck. Even though the words were a regular occurrence for him to hear, it was the way you would say it in your morning voice that made it ten times more special.

Though those actions might seem minuscule to others, they meant the world to him and it was killing him that he hadn’t been able to experience such tender moments with you in a while.

“I’m making breakfast- pesto eggs and some bacon for you. It’ll be done in a minute.”

You nodded along before heading to the table, phone in hand while catching up on your morning news.

It didn’t take long before a steaming plate was placed in front of you, the scent of garlic and basil already making you salivate.

Chris sat besides you and watched as you dug a fork into your meal, a smile reaching his face as he heard your content moans.

The two of you ate in silence, only the sound of soft chewing and utensils hitting your respective plates could be heard.

Every so often, you would feel Chris peek at you, hoping for you to start up a conversation with him like you always did. It’s not like you didn’t want to, it was just that you were still hurting due to his words. You know from a psychological standpoint that there was something going on inside of him that caused him to lash out, which you understood. But it didn’t aid in diminishing your apprehensiveness towards opening up to him, afraid that another fight would break out and hurtful words would again be hurled.

He could sense the internal struggle battling within you so he spoke up, breaking you out from your subconscious.

“I know I’ve been saying this repeatedly over the past few weeks, but I want you to know how sorry I am,” Chris sympathetically stated, “You didn’t deserve what I put you through, the things I said. I just hope that we're able to someday go back to how we were.”

You sat there staring at the man in front of you. Was there a way that the two of you can revert to what once was? Could you actually forgive him?

Not knowing how to properly respond, you simply nodded. A tight lipped smile was evidence that Chris had a lot of making up to do.

Finishing up breakfast, you excused yourself to your office to go and work on your dissertation, leaving the brunette alone with his thoughts.

He knew that he needed to do something big to make up for his actions. He also knew that he needed to figure out why he lashed out on you.

Taking out his phone, he clicked on a saved contact and listened to the dial tone ring in his ear.

“Morning, I’d like to make an appointment as soon as possible. It’s an emergency.”

Chris sat on the plush maroon couch, his eyes getting reacquainted with the familiar setting. The office had a few knick knacks littered around the space. A potted plant here and there. Motivational, yet cheesy posters on the wall. An assortment of magazines on the coffee table.

He hadn’t been here in a while, his usual talks were about his anxiety and dealing with fame. But for this appointment it was about you- specifically how he treated you.

The new topic was foreign to him, resulting in the brunette not knowing how to address it. So he silently sat there as his therapist, Dr. Reynolds, held her pen in her hand and studied his behavior.

“So,” she cautiously started, “What brings you in today?”

Chris sat there twiddling his fingers at her question. There could’ve been a few reasons that brought him in, but the main one was why he said the things he hurled at you.

He proceeded to spend the next 10 minutes recapping the events that had transpired, making sure to not spare any detail. After his spiel, Dr. Reynolds skimmed through her notes that she jotted down during his explanation.

Looking up from her notebook, she locked eyes with the brunette. “Do you think that some of your actions correlate with self-sabotaging behaviors? How, when you opened yourself up to her so suddenly it made you feel scared? Scared that you might need to face those fears that are plaguing you.”

Chris sat there incredulously, “Well- I mean no. I don’t think so.”

The pair talked for over an hour, going over the usual allotted time as they broke down why Chris had acted a certain way.

He realized the anger he felt was a coping mechanism to avoid feeling what he truly felt: fear. Mainly his fear of commitment. Part of him was scared that any future marriage would end up like his parents, in divorce. He feared that you would stop loving him. He feared that he would stop loving you.

And that fear was ultimately pushing you away from him. Which uncovered the biggest fear of all, losing you.

Dr. Reynolds eventually received a knock on her door, indicating a waiting patient, causing their therapy session to be cut and saved for another day.

“Thanks doc, I think I know what I need to do now.”

After some much needed self-reflection made in the meeting with his therapist, Chris knew what he had to do. Leaving the office, he pulled out his phone and dialed his publicist, Megyn.

A few rings later, he went into detail to the blonde about his plan. Not caring about what the press might say, or how his fans might react, he needed to get it done.

She wasn’t too keen on dealing with the impending press that would come from it, but she was happy that he was able to find someone that he truly loved.

He went back to your place that evening with a refreshed mind. The rest of the day went by as usual, you both did your own respective things, the tension still heavy in the air.

As you both started on your own night routine, his main focus was on you. He didn’t even know he stopped brushing and was staring until you snapped your fingers in front of his eyes.

“Earth to Chris, everything alright?” your tone was light and airy, hinted with a bit of joy.

Chris looked at the slight smile on your face and was reminded all over again as to why he fell for you. That smile was something that was so ingrained in his mind that not even old age could make him forget it. It warmed his entire being whenever he was sad and it made him realize he could never take it off your face for the rest of his days.

“Yeah princess,” he whispered, still lost in you, “I’m alright.”

You nodded along to him, though your eyes squinted a bit due to being curious of his change in demeanor. Before he was overly cautious around you, now it seemed as if he couldn’t get enough of you.

Before you could set your toothbrush down and set out for bed, he stopped you with a hand on your elbow, pulling you into him. Not caring that there were still dribbles of toothpaste in his mouth, he leant down and attached his lips to yours.

The kiss was soft, he was desperate to feel your softness against him though wasn’t trying to rush the act in any way. Moving his hand up, he held onto your cheek in an effort to pull you even closer than you already are.

The smell of your lavender night cream instantly calmed him, making him feel safe in your embrace and absentmindedly smiling into the kiss.

Chris finally pulled away, only slightly, to look down on you with a dopey grin. “God I’m in love with you.”

For the first time in weeks, a genuine smile reached your face to match the man across from you.

“I love you too love bug,” you sighed against his lips, “You probably should’ve rinsed your mouth though, I can taste your toothpaste.”

A deep chuckle rumbled from his chest, “Sorry, just got caught up in the moment.”

Chris kept you secured in his arms as he continued to stare down at you. There was something different about him, specifically the way his gaze was directed at you. Though you were not complaining.

“How about we bring back date night? I can cook and we can finally sit and talk to one another like we used to.”

Your heart fluttered in your chest at his pleas. It had been a while since you two sat down and basked in each other’s presence. The thought had you hopeful that things could go back to normal.

“I would love that,” you began, “How about Friday? I have a test for a few of my classes this week so we can do it once I’m all free.”

Chris smiled down at you with eyes evident of his admiration for you, “Friday is perfect.”

The rest of the week went on rather differently than previous ones. Your touches came back to his body, fingertips grazing alongside him whenever he was close. Chris would regularly kiss your cheek or top of your shoulder anytime he had the chance.

You did take notice of him on his phone a lot, part of it filled you with uneasiness but the rational part of your brain told you it wasn’t something to ponder too much over, so you let it go.

Chris had been spending the entire week making sure that his plan was rolling smoothly. He had the entire date night planned to a T. He informed his family about it, who were ecstatic for him, making his own mother tear up due to how happy she was. He made sure to have everything ready at the house so that everything would be successful.

The day of the planned affair, you were stuck in your home office grading the last set of tests before being able to officially clock out for the evening. Inputting the grades into Blackboard, you were brought out of focus due to the sounds of buzzing from your phone. Picking up the device, you unlocked it and saw the incoming text from your boyfriend.

Chris: Baby, I know you’re still probably finishing up, but dinner will be ready at my place at around 7. I put something on your bed for you to wear. See you soon!

The endearing message made you smile and also feel a bit elated. You missed the intimate moments shared between you and Chris. The loving looks sent your way, the delicious food and engaging conversations. But most importantly, you missed the sex. Before, the two of you were like jackrabbits, the longest you both went without getting hot and heavy was about 2 days. Now going on over two months, you were becoming insatiable.

Quickly inputting the final test scores in your online grade book, you got ready for your night in with Chris. Heading up the stairs, you walked into your room to be hit with a bit of nostalgia. Laying on the bed was the same black dress that you wore on your first date with him.

With the amount of dresses you had in your wardrobe, it was a shock that he was able to find the specific one you wore that night. The sentiment warmed your heart and filled you with hope.

Rushing to get ready, you went and got dressed, making sure that you appeared your best before heading out.

It was only a quick drive to his home, before you were sat in his driveway.

Your mind was plagued with worry. You feared that if this night didn’t go well, then it would ultimately mean the end of your relationship with the man. Taking in a deep breath, you calmed your nerves before exiting the vehicle and made the trek towards his front door.

Using the house key you still had attached to your own ring set, you unlocked the door and walked in though you didn’t get far when the sight before you made you stop and gasp.

Starting from the front door laid a trail of rose petals leading you through the house. The thoughtful effort made tears begin to form in your eyes and your breath unsteady.

Following the trail, the same smells of vegetables sautéing brought you back to that time over a year ago.

Once you made it inside the kitchen, you saw Chris with an apron adorning his massive frame on top of his suit. Once he took notice of your arrival he turned around and smiled at you. “There you are sweetheart. I was waiting for you to show.”

He turned down the fire before gliding towards you, about to reach down and kiss you when you beat him to it.

Grabbing a hold of either side of his face, you slammed your lips to his; the action surprising you both. You delivered him repeated pecks which caused the brunette to laugh between every one of your kisses.

Getting enough of your intimate fill, you pulled away from him and looked up. “What’s the special occasion? I mean I know it’s date night, but still.”

Chris brought his hands down to rest on the dip of your back before pulling you in closer to him. The action caused your neck to crane up to look directly into his eyes.

“I wanted to make things right with my best girl.”

You playfully rolled your eyes at the slight Captain America reference before delivering another kiss, “Thank you, I love it.”

The meal went according to plan, the two of you enjoying the same shrimp scampi dish he made on your first date together.

You were sipping on your glass of wine when you heard Chris speak up.

“Though I’ve said it more times than either of us can count, I need you to know how regretful I am of how I acted.”

You sighed at his words, “Chris, I said it’s-”

“No, it’s not okay (Y/N),” he interrupted you, “It wasn’t okay for me to lash out at you. It wasn’t okay for me to hurt your feelings.”

“Tonight, I tried to recreate our first date together to show you just how much you mean to me.”

Chris had rehearsed what he was planning on saying for the past few days, but here now in this moment he couldn’t remember a single prepared line. So he just decided to follow his heart.

“(Y/N). The day I met you, it was one of the greatest days of my life. It wasn’t supposed to happen, but fate brought us together- well I guess I should say Ma did with her insisting.”

His words caused you to chuckle, “I can see where you got your determination. She really didn’t quit until she finally got us in the same room.”

The memory of Lisa bringing you two together that afternoon warmed both of your hearts.

“That day we met was the day I knew that there was no one else in the world that would matter to me as much as you would. Every single day that I get the pleasure of seeing that look on your face will forever make me the luckiest man on the Earth. So when I hurled those words at you and took that smile away, it made me feel horrendous.”

You didn’t even realize you had started crying until you felt the warmth of your tears sliding down your cheeks.

Chris reached across the table and curled his fingers around your hand, slightly stroking the back of it with his thumb.

“I know I haven’t been the best boyfriend that I could be. I realized that my own fears of commitment caused me to take out my frustrations out on you, and absentmindedly pushed you away. But I realized that pushing you away was the last thing I ever wanted to happen.”

He felt his heart rate race and his organ beat heavily in his chest, his anxiety slowly rising.

“You are the greatest thing to happen to me. You make the worst days seem minuscule whenever you’re around. I love the way you’re able to always help push me through any obstacle I face, no matter how big or small it may be. The way you easily get along with my crazy family. And I love how you make me feel like I am floating on cloud nine anytime I kiss you.”

Chris felt his hands begin to sweat. One of his hands clasped onto yours, while the other held onto the small box in his left pocket of his slacks.

“A few days ago I had a session with my therapist about you. And during it I realized how much I care about you, and how losing you, even though it was brief, was the worst thing I had ever experienced.”

Slowly standing up on shaky legs, he brought you up with him.

“I had to secretly figure out the right size while you were sleeping the other night,” he began to joke, “You don’t know how hard it was to get the measurement done considering how light of a sleeper you are.”

You felt your heart pound in your chest. You suspected that something was different about his behavior and this evening, and your suspicions were slowly coming to light.

“I can’t ever experience the feeling of not having you by my side again. Waking up to a cold bed and not seeing the way your nose would sometimes crunch up while you're deep in a dream is something I never want to go through again.”

Chris reached into his pocket of his pants and pulled out a cherry red box. The sight of the gold inscription labeling 'Cartier' made your breath catch in your throat and tears fall freely down your face.

The height difference was changed when he steadily dropped down on his left knee, his tear filled blue eyes looking up at you.

“(Y/N), you make me the happiest man in the world. And I know it’s a stereotypical line for me to say, but it’s true. I love how you’re able to bring the best out of me and everyone around you. I love how you love everyone unconditionally. God, I love how fucking breathtaking you are. I am in love with everything about you.”

Letting go of your hand, he held the box in his grasp before cracking it open. The action caused your hands to cover your mouth and you to bend at the knees. With the aid of the lights around the room, it unveiled to you a marquise cut diamond. One either side were two stones. On the left was a pearl, indicating his June birthstone. The other side showed your gemstone, the rocks pairing perfectly with one another.

“So,” Chris began with a shaky breath, “(Y/N) (Y/L/N), will you do me the honor and make me the luckiest person in the world. Will you marry me?”

Your body shook with sobs as you nodded along to his question.

“Wait, are you saying yes?” Chris asked, excitement evident in his tone. “I don’t know if that’s you nodding yes or no.”

Removing your hands from your face you grasped on to your now fiancé’s, “Yes, I would love to marry you.”

Chris didn’t even get the chance to put the ring on you before raising up and slamming his lips against yours. Both of you tasting the salty tears that expelled from the other.

It was his turn to lay a continuous stream of kisses to your lips. Soft chants of ‘thank you’ leaving his mouth between every one.

Pulling away, he retrieved the ring from its box as you held up your left hand. You watched as he slid the band down your finger until it situated perfectly against the base. A content sigh left the both of you.

Chris brought your hand up and kissed the back of it and then your ring finger before locking eyes with you.

You two stayed like that for a while, your gaze flicking back and forth between each other’s lips until finally you two connected them.

This time, the embrace was intimate, more passion filled. Your hands folded against the nape of his neck, the coolness of the gold band making him smile with contentment.

With his hands holding onto your hips, he guided you back until you were met with resistance from the wall behind you; the sudden force causing you to lightly grunt into his mouth.

Lowering his hands until his palms rested on the back of your thighs, he tapped on your skin, an unspoken request for you to jump. While securing your hold on his neck, you jumped up and rested in his palms. With you in his hands, Chris began to walk the two of you towards his bedroom. Since Dodger was staying at his mom's house, he didn’t bother closing the door, not worrying about any sudden intrusion.

Your mouth was still attached to Chris when he laid you down, you head against the soft pillow on the plush bed. His frame towering over you as he shook off the suit jacket from his body, kicked off his shoes and toed his socks away.

“I love you so much (Y/N),” he swooned through kisses.

“I love you too Chris.”

Untying the front of your wrap dress, the silk material fell to the sides of your body, revealing your figure which was only covered by a thin, lace pair of underwear. The sight of your half naked self made him growl down at you in desire.

Removing his lips from yours, he descended down your body, leaving kisses in his wake.

“You’re all mine.”

His lips kissed around your taut nipple, his tongue poking out to flick at your pert bud.

“Forever and always.”

You felt him leaving traces of wetness from open-mouth kisses on your abdomen.

“The love of my life.”

His fingers dug into the sides of your thong before dragging it down your legs.

“My beautiful fiancé.”

You breathing hitched as you felt his warm breath fan across your exposed cunt. The hot air was a stark contrast to the cool slick of your dripping wetness.

“The future Mrs. Evans.”

And with that, Chris flattened out his tongue before running a long stripe up your pussy, lapping up your wetness until he curled it around your clit. “Oh fuck, Chris.”

How exhausting the sexual hiatus that you experienced with the brunette was evident due to how you were squirming on the bed. Your hands spread throughout the sheets, gripping and tugging in an effort to gain some form of steadiness. Over two months without having him on you had you mewling into the air. “Please baby, don’t stop.”

With his tongue occupied, Chris continued to devour you. His tongue alternated between long drags and quick flicks between your folds. You felt the tip of his tongue prod at your opening in a desperate attempt to taste more of you- to feel more of you.

Removing his mouth, he heard you begin to groan in disappointment before it turned into a moan when he spat on your cunt then suctioned his lips around your clit. With one hand holding your stomach down, he used the other to enter your soaking hole with his index and middle fingers.

Chris was gentle with his digits inside of you, dragging his pads alongside your ways, stroking your contracting walls and feeling every ridge. Once he was knuckle deep, he scissored your cunt, basking in the sounds of your squelching around his fingers paired with your content moans of relief.

He replaced his mouth with his thumb, using the limb to draw slow, tortuous circles on your mound as he watched you fall into the deep recesses of ecstasy.

He observed your neck stretch back, exposing a slightly bulging vein running up the expanse. The way your lips quivered as your moans flew freely out. Your legs began to shake when he hit the spot he was all too familiar with deep in your core.

“Look at me,” Chris demanded, his Boston accent evident in his request, “Need’a watch my pretty girl cum all over my fingers.”

The eye contact with the brunette was intense, more fierce than ever experienced before, but you reveled in every second of it. You noticed how his pupils had become blown out, only showing a small ring of blue surrounding the black.

You tried to keep the gaze locked until you felt your orgasm come full force through your body like a tidal wave. “Christopher!”

Upon hearing your screech of desire and feeling your essence begin to soak his digits, he replaced his thumb back with his mouth, longing to taste every single drop of your sweetness. His fingers continued to pump inside of you, prolonging your release and causing more of your juices to flow into and around his mouth.

Chris finally removed his fingers to drink more of you until you attempted to feebly push his head away, the orgasm causing you to lose most of your strength.

“Sorry princess, you know Daddy just can't get enough of you,” Chris moaned as he licked your essence off his lips.

He rose up your lower half and hovered over you staring down at your exhausted self. You mustered the power to raise your arms and grasp his face in your hands before bringing him down to connect lips once more.

The kisses were lecherous, the both of you yearning to taste every single part of the other. Your tongue was firm against his as he massaged yours while you swallowed each other's moans.

Your body felt on fire with the way his large hands were massaging and caressing every inch of your exposed skin. His fingers digging into your softness and pulling you flush against his frame.

Taking your hands away from his face, you began to unbutton his dress shirt, peeling away the material until it unveiled his tattooed chest. Your fingers tracing the large design on his chest before making its way down to his belt, unbuckling it in the process.

Dragging the leather through the loops and away from his body, you unzipped his trousers before reaching in to palm his obvious erection. The action made the man above you keen against your tongue. “I wanna taste you Chris.”

With your thighs around his hips, you nudged him until your positions were switched. His head against the same pillow, he watched as you tugged down the material on his lower half, leaving the two of you completely bare for one another.

You laid down on your stomach between his legs before grabbing hold onto the base of his cock, drawing a hiss from Chris.

His head craned back at the feel of your wet mouth tonguing his length, the wet muscle licking a stripe from the base to his tip. “Ohh- that's it baby.”

You collected your spit before it dripped from your mouth and on his head, the liquid cascading down the massive length. Using it for your advantage, you began to stroke him while attaching your lips around his tip. Your tongue flicked his slit while drinking up his precum.

“God, I love you so much (Y/N).”

Removing one of your hands, you began to swallow his length, stroking off what you couldn’t take down. His moans and groans only stir you on as you bask in the feel of him throbbing in your mouth. With your free hand, you began to palm at his balls; the action making him grip the sheets as well as tenderly holding the side of your head.

His mouth was parted, showing only his tongue, as he panted out. “That’s it baby, such a good girl for me.”

Chris felt his peak slowly approaching, the buildup steadily growing with every swipe of your tongue, suction from your lips and tug at his balls. Though he would’ve loved to release down your throat and watch your mouth milk his balls, he wanted- needed to feel your warmth surrounding him as he coated your walls.

He went to unlatch you from his cock and raise you towards him. “I need to feel you,” he breathed out, “I miss the feel of you around me (Y/N).”

You crawled up his body til you were straddling his hips. Reaching down, you pumped his length a few times before positioning it for entry. The second you began the descent and his head met the resistance from your cunt, you both groaned out.

Chris couldn’t wait any longer so he brought his hands to your hips and fully sank you down on him, sheathing his entire cock inside of you. The action made you lurch forward with your hands planting themselves on his chest in search of stability.

“Oh that’s it princess,” professed Chris, “Missed this tight fucking cunt choking my cock. Missed you so goddamn much.”

With the help of his hands on your hips, you began to slowly work yourself on his dick. Every rise and fall of your hips made you experience the delectable feel of his veined shaft drag against your channel.

“Oh Christopher,” you cooed as you felt him throb inside of you.

“That’s it princess, I’m right here.”

You brought your hands from off of him and covered his large ones. Removing them from your body, you intertwined digits. The new position of your hands allowed the newly added engagement ring to gleam under the light.

If he had a camera, he would’ve wanted to capture the beauty of you in that moment. Every buck of your hips caused your breasts to bounce, the action enticing him even more than already. The sweat that began to form on your body caused your body to shine from the bedroom lights, making your body appear as if it were glowing.

He wanted to frame the glorious sight of you, but he decided to settle with the fact of knowing he would be able to recreate this exact moment for the rest of his life. Recreate with you as husband and wife.

He rose up from the mattress and maneuvered your legs to wrap around his waist before sitting on his haunches. The new position of your naked chest pressed up against his own while he fucked you on his cock was a sort of intimacy that couldn’t be explained.

The closeness of your faces allowed you to feel each other’s breaths warm your features. You could see pupils being blown, feel the sweat dripping off one another, and hear every single sound that escaped the other's mouth.

Attaching his lips to yours, Chris moaned into your mouth. “That’s it baby, cream all around my cock. Milk me til I fill you up with my cum.”

The heels of your feet dug into his lower back and your fingertips gripped onto his neck, leaving scratches in its wake.

You knew for certain that you would have bruises on your waist with the way he had latched onto you, raising you up and down his length.

With every thrust, your sweaty skin slapped together as his balls spanked up against your ass.

“Ahh baby, I- fuck Chris I’m almost there.”

“I know (Y/N), I’m right behind you.”

A few more harsh thrusts as his tip slammed against your g-spot and you were suddenly slammed into the blissful abyss of your orgasm. The tightness of your contracting walls caused Chris to achieve his own release. The shouting sounds of you two reaching your respective peaks echoed throughout the room.

Warmth flooded your body and your cunt as you felt Chris’s cock shoot ribbons of his seed deep into you. He continued to drag you along his length, hoping to prolong the glorious feeling of your pussy throbbing around him.

After the sensation of your peak began to wane, he fell back against the mattress, bringing you down with him.

The two of you laid there in each other’s arms, basking in the warmth radiating off the other.

Chris strokes your back, long traces of his thumb running along your spine as you both regain your breath.

“I’m in love with you (Y/N). So goddamn much.”

Still a little too spent, you nodded while your hands toyed around with his chest.

While you two sat there, a realization popped into the brunette's head, making him begin to stand up. “I’ll be right back.”

You watched his ass jiggle with every step out of the room, the sight making you chuckle. When he returned, he held his phone in his hand.

“Seriously Christopher, you wanna make a sex tape right now?”

A boisterous laughter left him at your assumption, “No sweetheart, not that.”

Chris sat back next to you on the bed as he scrolled through his phone gallery. After a few flicks on his thumb, he finally found the photo that you two took on your first date. You were as beautiful as ever, smiling at the camera as he looked in awe at you.

You watched as he loaded up Instagram and clicked on the plus sign to create a new post. “Chris, what are you doing?”

“Something I should’ve done a long time ago.”

Choosing the desired photo, he went to begin typing out his caption that would unveil you to the world.

chrisevans: A little over a year ago this photo was taken on our first date. I knew from that moment that I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life, that’s why I eagerly asked you to be mine. (Y/N) you make me the happiest man that I could be. I know this past year and a half has been a tough one, especially with everyone in the world claiming that they were dating me while I kept you in the shadows, but enough is enough. There’s no one else that I would rather be with. There’s no one in this entire world that holds a candle to you. To your beauty, your kindness, your everything. You are the love of my life. As of tonight, my fiancé. And soon to be my wife. I love you more than words can describe princess. (Y/@/N)

Chris finished typing out his message before looking down at you, silently asking for approval. He watched as your index finger raised up and clicked on the share button, indicating the end of your secrecy.

A dopey smile made his face before he looked at you, phone in hand, “Now, about that sex tape.”

You laughed at his joke as he made his way to kiss you once more. The embrace was full of contentment due to knowing that things were back to normal with a growing relationship full of unwavering love, reinstated trust, and pure happiness.

A/N: and that's a wrap folks. thank you to everyone who read this series.

also i would like to say that this is in no way an indication of chris evans personality or character. this is just fiction.

if you enjoyed this, please make sure to reblog and comment. feedback is much appreciated !

* divider credits : @firefly-graphics *

[misslilli]

Felix Felicis

MSR. AU. PG-13. | tagging @today-in-fic | read on AO3

Chapter 48 - A Little TLC Cures Almost Anything

[ DS ]

After our date at the Winter Carnival, I float on my little cloud of sunshine and rainbows through the rest of the week. It's all so exciting and new, every text you receive gives you a start because you pray it's from him and your heart does a little dance when you see that it is. He's so different from anyone I've ever had the displeasure of dating, it's like a fresh breeze of air blowing away the last cobwebs that still remain from the other guys. Finally, it seems like I'm getting what I've always dreamed of but never thought I'd actually find.

My friends shake their heads in amusement at me tearing through the two school days before Saturday in a big ball of excited energy, or more like a little Duracell bunny on Ecstasy, dying to get them over with and counting the hours until he picks me up for our trip up to the Boston Aquarium at noon.

————

[ Felix ]

"Alright, partner, recap, did you find out anything?" Suzie and I are sitting on a small stone wall far away from the others, conducting our investigation. She shakes her head with a frown.

"No… I asked the butcher and the girl at the bakery yesterday and they all said the same thing. They've heard the name mentioned before but they have no idea who he is! I'll ask around at the farmer's market tomorrow, did you find out anything?" Man, this Squirrel guy is so mysterious, I'm intrigued. How does someone go around town and no-one knows who he is?

"No, I didn't either. But I did notice a new mug appearing in our kitchen, from some Winter Carnival… maybe they went there together? I wish we weren't so little and could go to Bridgeport to snoop around there…" There's a long pause while we ponder what to do next.

"I still think it would be easiest to go through my dad's phone, see if there's any pictures in there or something." We've been over this so many times, all I get as an answer is an eye-roll and a "Felix... You're crazy!"

[ DS ]

On Saturday, I putter around the house restlessly with nothing to do, the girls are out with their boyfriends doing couple things, so I'm using my pent up energy to clean the house from top to bottom, singing along to the radio while I wait for Mulder to get here to pick me up for our date.

I straighten and fluff all the pillows, push around items on the kitchen counter and have rearranged the fridge, twice. We’re planning on going up to the Boston Aquarium this afternoon and I’m beyond excited, it’s going to be such a great day. When you're waiting for something, time seems to slow to a crawl and once I’m out of things to busy myself with, I flop down onto the couch to read.

I can’t concentrate on the words in front of me though, too giddy to focus on anything but imagining what the day will bring.

When the doorbell finally rings, I rush to the door so fast I bang my shoulder on the doorframe of the living room, cursing under my breath. Rubbing my shoulder with a grimace, I swing the front door open to take in the sight of my Mulder. He looks so good in a sweater and jeans, as always, but he at the same time, he doesn't look good.

“Jesus… Are you alright?” His nose is bright red and his eyes are slightly glassy, there's an unhealthy flush on his cheeks that I recognize as a sign of a fever.

“I’m dot Jesus and I'm fine-d.”

“You’re sick, Mulder. Why don’t you come on in, I’ll make you some tea.”

“Do I’m fine-d! We can-d go to Boston-d.” I roll my eyes at him and grab his hand, pulling him inside.

“When you can enunciate your n’s properly again, we’ll go to Boston. Now you need tea, rest and some medicine.”

To his weak protests and some more I'm fine-d's, I lead him over to the couch and push him to sit down on it, his bones seem to melt into the cushions with exhaustion and he rests his head on the back, closing his eyes.

Placing the back on my hand on his cheeks and feeling his forehead, I discover that I was right, he must be running a fever on top of his running nose.

“You really shouldn’t have driven here like this, next time you call and I’ll come to you, okay?” Instead of an answer, he only manages a meek nod - no smart-ass reply must mean he’s pretty sick.

He’s a pretty good patient, however, he obediently drinks his tea, swallows down the Tylenol I hand him and follows me up the stairs like a puppy when I tell him he should be in bed. He lifts his arms obediently when I take off his sweater, which is a struggle in itself because of our height difference and crawls underneath the covers, shivering.

After getting the in-ear thermometer from the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, I take his temperature, which reveals what I already suspected: a solid 102 fever.

When I place the box of tissues next to him on the bed and turn to leave, he grabs my wrist and looks up at me with glassy, pleading eyes, rasping out a dramatic “Nooo, don’t leave me!”

“Just close your eyes, I’ll be right back, okay?” Pulling my hand from his wrist, I smooth away the hair on his warm forehead and he obeys with a sigh, closing his eyes.

It’s a miracle that we have all the ingredients for chicken soup in the freezer and I put them all in a pot to simmer over the next few hours, I also make a pot of chamomile tea into which I stir some honey to ease the throat ache that comes with a cold.

Teapot in one and cups in the other hand, I return upstairs to find Mulder passed out spread-eagled in the middle of my bed and I have to smile at the innocent look on his sleeping face.

Quietly, I slip into the bathroom to change into something more comfortable and to get a cold washcloth for his forehead. The bed dips slightly when I sit down next to him and I freeze when he stirs next to me, but his steadily rising and falling chest means he's still fast asleep.

I’d be lying through my teeth if I said I hadn’t thought up ways to get Fox Mulder into my bed once I’m ready to take that step. Sick and sniffling with an unsexy yet weirdly adorable red, runny nose most definitely was not one of them. But I'm good at taking care of kids, and men with a cold are said to be more like overly grown children than they'd like to admit.

So I stay right next to him just in case he needs anything when he wakes up, leaning over him to fish my reading glasses and the book from the nightstand and I open it to the bookmark, scooting down lower into the pillows to read.

The book whisks me away on a journey to Venice and the crime-solving Venetian inspector Brunetti, so I don't notice him inching closer and closer until there's a heavy arm draped across my waist and a face snuggled into my chest just below my collarbones. Stiff as a rod, I stare down at the unruly head of hair and wait with bated breath for my hammering heartbeat to slow down. It's beating must be so loud under his ear, he must be really out of it if he doesn't wake up from the jackhammer-sound.

It takes a while to get used to but the weight of his arm and head feels oddly comforting and I relax into the embrace, picking up my book again. Soon, I find myself back in Venice and my fingers find their way into his spiky soft hair, combing through it absent-mindedly.

Once my eyes start to hurt from the strain of reading, I put the book back on the nightstand and look out the doors to the balcony at the sun slowly setting, smiling at the little sigh that tickles my collarbone - I'm wild-guessing he's enjoying the hair thing.

The peaceful moment is only broken by a bad coughing fit that wakes him from his sleep and once it has subsided, he groans into my pajama top. “Scullyaayyy I’m dying!”

I roll my eyes and chuckle at his knack for dramatics, pressing a kiss into his hairline. “You’re not dying Mulder, you just have the flu!”

His voice is hoarse and muffled by the fabric of my top. “Feels like dying!” I guess the effects of the Tylenol are wearing off right about now so I make him sit up and hand him another one with a cup of water. I also make him drink his tea and once he’s finished that and the Tylenol has kicked in, he looks a lot better and even manages a small smile.

“Thank you, you’re a really good doctor. I just hope I won’t get you sick too!” I switch out the teacup with some nasal spray for his stuffy nose and shake my head.

“Don’t worry about me, I’ve been sneezed at and coughed on by thousands of kids, I’m immune to all kinds of bacteria and viruses. Are you hungry?”

“Starving. You got any pizza?”

“Nope, just chicken noodle soup, sorry. I’ll go fetch us some!”

Downstairs, the girls are peering into my soup curiously and turn their heads towards me when I enter the kitchen.

“Hey D, that’s a pretty measly dinner you made for us!” Holly motions to the soup with raised eyebrows.

“That’s not for you, Holly. It’s for the whiny, dramatic, sick man in my bed upstairs.”

“Mulder’s here? In your bed? Oooh that’s a first, if I remember correctly, no man has ever glimpsed the insides of your bedroom before.” I smack her arm and roll my eyes.

“It’s not like that, he’s sick and I’m just taking care of him.”

“Look at you going all Martha Stewart, making chicken noodle soup, from scratch, and taking care of your sick man - how very girlfriend-y of you!” Shooing them away from the pot, I fill two bowls and give them a look.

“Oh shut up, I’d do it for you guys too, if you ever got sick.”

“You’ve never, not once, made chicken soup for me!,” Sarah laments with a pout and the others nod in agreement.

“And I never will if you keep bugging me about this!” I put a spoon in each bowl and with another pointed look at the girls, I head back upstairs.

“Mhh this is really good soup, where did you order it from?,” Mulder asks around his spoon as we each eat our bowls of soup, sitting cross-legged on the bed, facing each other. I look up from my bowl with a raised eyebrow. “I didn’t order it, I made it!”

“Oh wow, where did you hide that Michelin star?”

“It’s just chicken noodle soup, Mulder, not exactly haute cuisine!”

“Best damn soup I’ve ever had, that’s for sure!”

——————

[ FM ]

I wasn’t lying when I said it was the best soup I’ve ever had, though I’m not sure if it’s actually the taste or the company I share it with. Even though I feel like dying, it sure feels nice to have someone take care of me for a change, getting me tea and feeding me soup. I wonder if I get to be the little spoon again, I never tried it before and it seems like I really enjoy it. Maybe I can even get her to do the thing with my hair again, that was nice.

The soup combined with the fever spike in the evening has made me sleepy and I realize that I might actually have to ask her to lay down with me again if I want a repeat from before. The look on her face is mildly surprised when I do ask her, but after she puts the bowls away, she lays back down with open arms. Once I’m snuggled back into her side with my head on her chest, I can feel my eyes drooping already. “Can you do that thing again?”

“What thing?”

“The hair thing… that was nice.” I sigh blissfully when I feel her fingers in my hair again and I’m asleep faster than I can even mumble my thanks. But still, not fast enough to notice the proximity of what my cheek is pressed against with a grin, after all, I am a guy and while I'm feverish and my throat is sore, I'm not dead. Yet.

I wake several times during the night and she’s always there, with tea, thermometer, Tylenol and the comforting strokes of her hand. If this doesn’t miraculously cure me overnight, I don’t know what will.

[sarahjtv]

BNHA Chapter 322 Spoiler Analysis: Bakugo’s Growth

Oh my god is this real life?  Am I reading Horikoshi’s AO3 fics?  I don’t drink or do drugs, so yesterday felt like a goddamn fever dream.  An incredible one at that.  Seriously, this might be one of my favorite chapters in the series for Bakugo’s moment alone.  I’m probably going to backtrack that later on if Horikoshi keeps this high quality up, but I’m cool with that.  This series has just been so damn good and it keeps getting better.  So, let’s go:

I’m going to get the smaller stuff out of the way first because I really want to focus on Bakugo’s apology this time because that’s the main course:

I love that Kirishima got something to do and say this chapter.  He was right there on the ground ready to catch Iida and Deku when they fell.  And he’s probably one of the more physically stronger kids in the class + his Hardening so Kirishima was a good choice to have on standby. Also, him realizing that Deku was the kid who tried to save Bakugo from the sludge villain at the beginning of the series was a good callback because Deku inadvertently inspired Kirishima to become the hero he is now.

Thirteen actually shows her face since her helmet was damaged in the war and WOW SHE’S PRETTY 😳 That was not on my bingo card, but I will take it happily!

Then there’s Ochako who grabs Deku’s hand to tell him it’s ok and that he doesn’t have to leave again after he, well, tries to leave again.  It’s really cute and feels like a resolution of some sorts of their feelings for each other.  Not a conclusion, but it feels like Horikoshi is wrapping things up.  I don’t know how deep Horikoshi’s going to go into Ochako and Deku romantically, but I like that it’s told subtlety.  And it looks like the next chapter will have Ochako do something cool, so I’m excited to see that.  

THAT UA BARRIER IS MASSIVE DEAR LORD!  And apparently it can do even more than that.  LIKE DOES IT HAVE GUNS TOO?  Hakgakure says it connects to Shiketsu too, so maybe we might see Inasa, Shishikura (Meatball boy), and Camie again.

Also, Hagakure and Aoyama didn’t do anything though during the VS. Deku fight, so take that as you will.

Also Bakugo’s suddenly not featured at the end of the chapter, which is weird.  

NOW BAKUGO OH MY GOD:

I really thought that we would have a Deku Vs. Kacchan Part 3 to be honest.  I really thought we would.  But no.  We got an honest-to-god heart-to-heart between these two boys.  And really, this is probably the best way to go about it.  Maybe we’ll get some D VS. K Prt. 3 one day because there might be more to be said, but if this is how their friendship is truly mended, I’m cool with a 2-parter.

So, Bakugo basically lays EVERYTHING out on the table.  How he’s felt like Deku’s always ahead of him, how frustrated he was, how scared he was, how insecure he was, and more beyond the surface.  Ultimately, he apologizes for everything.  He apologizes for over A DECADE of bullying.  He even bows to Deku.  He can barley look at Deku in the eye for the most part.  This is not the same Bakugo from the beginning of the series.  This is Katsuki Bakugo: a young man who took a long, harsh look in the mirror, learned from his flaws, decided to save the kid he bullied, and became a better person all because of it.

Bakugo also tells Deku that even though Deku did nothing wrong in going down this path, Deku needs him and his friends now.  Deku can’t do this on his own anymore.  Bakugo says him and the other will carry the burden with Deku.  Save to Win and Win to Save 😭.

What I find interesting here is that in this part of his speech, Bakugo says that he and everyone else will carry Deku’s burden with him “In order to surpass All Might”.  Bakugo’s ultimate goal has always been to surpass All Might and become the No. 1 Hero.  That’s been established from the very beginning.  And now, Bakugo will surpass All Might with his friends by his side.  That’s growth, my dudes 🧡

Visually, this whole thing is done so beautifully!  Just the way everyone is drawn and the expressions on the other student’s faces are really well done.  Everyone’s either in shock or in awe of what they’re hearing coming out of Bakugo’s mouth.  This is a side Bakugo hasn’t really shown anyone before (besides Deku, of course).  The reaction that spoke most to me is actually Shoto’s 💙.   He gets like 1 panel this chapter, but his face isn’t really in either shock or awe.  It’s kinda unreadable, but I think ultimately it’s like an “I get it” sort of expression.  Because Bakugo and Endeavor are so much alike.  Shoto knows what it’s like to have someone in their life trying to atone for their actions.  He gets it.  Maybe, one day, Endeavor and Shoto can get there too.

This might be my favorite part of the chapter: During Bakugo’s apology, Horikoshi draws Deku and Bakugo as heroes, then kids, then as middle schoolers, then in their UA uniforms, and finally back in their hero costumes.  Each time, Bakugo and Deku are framed face-to-face with Bakugo talking and Deku just staring in disbelief and awe like he’s trying to process what Bakugo’s saying.  It isn’t until the final one when Bakugo and Deku finally meet eye-to-eye and you can see some light come back to Deku’s eyes.  And finally Bakugo bows and apologize, even calling Izuku by name 😭💚🧡  It’s just so beautifully paneled and drawn.  In the span of a few pages, Horikoshi manages to take us through Bakugo and Deku’s childhoods of conflict and insecurity to their heroic selves in present day.  It’s like a quick recap of everything Bakugo and Deku have been through over the course of the series.  Because even though My Hero Academia is ultimately Deku’s story, it’s Bakugo’s story too (which a little Shoto on the side).  This feels like the culmination of their entire relationship and it’ll only get stronger from here too.

Lastly, as Deku is about to apologize for saying “You can’t keep up” because he realized his friends are actually ahead of him, he starts to pass out and BAKUGO RUNS UP TO CATCH HIM AS DEKU FALLS 🧡💚😭  WE DON’T EVEN SEE BAKUGO’S EYES HE JUST SAYS “WE KNOW” LIKE IS BAKUGO CRYING HORIKOSHI PLEASE!!!!!  BAKUDEKU’S HOW WE FEELING??? 💥🥦

But for real, this is as close to a hug between these two as we’re probably going to get.  There’s something so profound about this.  Bakugo has been trying to push Deku away since the beginning.  He even wanted to keep Deku at arm’s length so he can be protected even from Bakugo himself.  And how these two are together again.  No more pushing away.  

Honestly, I loved this chapter 10/10!  Peak character development, peak storytelling, peak fucking fiction!  It does feel like we’re coming to a conclusion soon with the series.  Ochako is accepting her feeling towards Deku more, Deku’s coming back to UA where the final battle will most likely take place, and Bakugo and Deku have mended their relationship as far as we know.  Again, I would like to see a Part 3 to their ongoing fights, but I’m cool if this is where their conflict ends.  It was really, really beautiful.  Horikoshi’s writing has been top-notch with Bakugo and Deku.  God, I’m truly going to miss this series when it’s done.

Me thoughtout the entiretly of Bakugo’s Apology:  

[masterjedilenawrites]

Blueberries and Cowboys: Chapter 2

A choose-your-own-adventure style fic. First, 2 platonic chapters for set-up/build-up. And then, the story will split into 2 paths depending on your romantic pairing preference: You and Thrawn, or You and Eli.

Chapter Masterlist

Chapter 2: The Plan

Pairing: None...yet...

Chapter Warnings: Mentions of bullying

Length: 2k

AO3 Link (In case you like it better over there, it’s okay, no judgement)

The rest of the week saw the three of you using every bit of free time outside your classes and studies to gather information for Thrawn to build a solid plan.

Eli tailed his pesky classmate Arden everywhere, even skipping a class one day to break into his dorm, trying to learn anything about the guy that could be useful to get him involved in the plot. Thrawn analyzed the simulation software and protocols that would be used to administer the tests, mapping out every possible way Commander Burdick could hijack it. And you were the one spying on the Burdick himself. Since the commander didn't seem too interested in your grades, you were able to shadow him without suspicion, and had been able to slip a bug into his offices to eavesdrop on any potential conversations about his plans for sabotage.

Your classmates and the staff were none the wiser. That was the advantage of being social outcasts. Half of them avoided you all like the plague, and the other half already thought you were weird people doing weird things. So it wasn't long before you'd all gotten enough intel to work with.

It was late in the evening at the end of the week. You found yourself in Thrawn and Eli's shared dorm, which looked identical to your own in the opposite wing, because the Empire couldn't bother with things like individuality or comfort. Eli sat on the edge of his top bunk, his legs swinging casually, and his coat unbuttoned to reveal a wrinkled undershirt you knew he hadn't bothered to wash all week. Thrawn paced about in the middle of the room, his long strides only allowing him about four good steps before he had to turn around. He still had his uniform on, boots and badges and all.

You leaned against the railing of the bed, watching Thrawn as he went back and forth. Sometimes he sat still when he was scheming, with his fingers steepled and his gaze seemingly reaching into some unknown dimension beyond your comprehension. That usually happened when he was running through variables that didn't concern you, at least from his perspective. You and Eli had accepted long ago there would always be parts of his plans he would never share with you. He was kind of a control freak like that.

But tonight, he seemed to be more welcoming of collaboration, hence his steady rhythm of pacing in front of you.

"Only one variable remains, as I see it," he was saying. "We understand how the commander will manipulate the system to cause a redundancy in the simulation, thus rendering the test impossible to finish successfully."

You and Eli shared a glance; the only person who truly understood how that was going to happen was Thrawn. He'd tried explaining numerous times but when it came to codes and tech, the two of you weren't able to fully keep up.

"We also know through your investigating," Thrawn motioned to you with what you thought was an impressed look, causing you to feel a little pride, "that the commander plans to only sabotage my test, believing it will be too suspicious if Eli also fails. He will also manipulate his false code to originate from the computer of his former lover Eva Carroway, who currently works in HR. So if an investigation does ensue, it will be traced to her and not him."

You and Eli chuckled under your breaths. It had been a little amusing when you'd discovered Commander Burdick was using this plan to not only undermine Thrawn, but also get revenge on his ex-girlfriend. But even more hilarious was how awkward Thrawn treated the subject. He had been quite perplexed to learn people could be so vindictive after a break-up. And any time he explained that detail of the plan, like he was doing now, he hesitated over his word choice. You couldn't tell if he only pretended to be confused about romantic relations, or if that was truly an area he found himself lost in.

If Thrawn noticed your snickering, he didn't respond to it, only continued to recap the plan. "We have also determined how we will expose the altered code naturally, so it does not cast suspicion on us... What was the word you used?"

"Backfire," said Eli.

"Yes. It would not due to have anyone suspect that we altered the test ourselves, or to have our concerns disregarded altogether. Thus, arranging for the maintenance crew to get a mild case of food poisoning so their performance checks are postponed to occur right before the tests will take care of that variable. At the least, they will fix the altered code and I will take the test as normal. At the most, they will report it and the commander faces expulsion."

"So..." said Eli through a yawn as he stretched. "What's left to work out, then?"

Now it was time for you and Thrawn to share a look.

"Were you not interested in involving your classmate, Arden Fey?" asked Thrawn in his soft, contemplative voice.

Eli shrugged. "Yeah. But Burdick's already got his scapegoat, his ex. So it'll be easier to keep him out of it. Whatever."

You could tell he was trying to be nonchalant. But just this morning, he had spent the entire walk between classes ranting about some new insults Arden had come up with, and how badly he wanted to show the guy up once and for all. You knew your friend wasn't feeling "whatever" about it.

"It's not a matter of ease or difficulty," Thrawn stated plainly. He had stopped pacing and was standing with hands behind his back, highlighting the broadness of his shoulders and the height of his stance. His presence seemed to fill up the whole room, and not for the first time, you were glad to be his friend and not his enemy.

"Yeah," you added in encouragement. "We just have to get creative. Find a way to make Arden a more appealing scapegoat than Burdick's ex. In fact...."

You trailed off as an idea occurred to you. You darted out of the room, surely leaving your two friends perplexed, but you would only be a second. You sprinted down the corridor toward the lifts, where a bulletin hung against the wall with fliers and pamphlets. One notice was a bit larger than the others, a promotion of an upcoming gala event to celebrate the Academy's anniversary. You ripped it off and went racing back to the boys' dorm room.

Eli had come down from the bunk and held a concerned look, probably prepared to follow you if you hadn't returned so quickly. Thrawn was still standing composed, but there was a curiosity in his eyes that made you smile.

You held up the poster in front of your chest. "What do you think the likelihood is of us playing successful matchmakers this week?"

Thrawn understood your idea almost immediately, looking down on you with a pleased smirk. It made you flush a little, to know the Chiss was impressed. You rarely had a chance to contribute good ideas when his mind worked so much faster than yours.

Eli caught on next, and he started to grin, the happiest you'd seen him in a while. His smile was infectious and you grinned back. Happy looked good on him.

"We know Eva's not shy with younger guys," you explained. "Before Burdick, she was fooling around with some intern in the med bay."

"And Arden's vain enough," added Eli. "If he thinks anyone's interested, he'll go for 'em."

"So we get him to ask her to the gala as his date...." you said.

"Burdick sees the two of them together...." said Eli.

"And realizes he can get back at his lover in another way, by pinning the sabotage on another student...." joined Thrawn.

The three of you stood together, proud and satisfied that yet another plan had finally worked out. It was almost worth the stressful studying and petty bullying and all the other unpleasant things you had to endure at this god-forsaken school, just to have fun moments like this with trusted friends.

"We should attend this gala as well," Thrawn said eventually, holding out a hand for the poster. He inspected it thoughtfully. "It is only a few days before the tests, so I hadn't planned to pay it any mind. But now...."

"Yeah, we should make sure Burdick's as jealous as we want 'im," nodded Eli.

You were secretly pleased. The plan was already a win-win, but now you would be able to go to the event yourself, too. You hadn't mentioned your desire to go to either of them before, figuring they weren't interested and not wanting to sound silly if you suggested it. But you did love dancing, and it was so very rare you got a chance to wear something other than your Imperial uniform.

"It's a dance," you noted, in case they couldn't tell by the details on the poster. "We'll need to go in pairs."

"I suppose it would make the most sense for you and Eli to go together," said Thrawn quietly.

You looked between the two, realizing both of them were flushed slightly. Eli's cheeks were dotted with pink, standing out amongst his dark brown features, while Thrawn had more of a purple tint to his face now, a color you'd never seen there before. You could feel yourself growing warm and uncomfortable as well. It was only a dance... only a way for you to enact a much more important plan... but it was the first time your trio had had to engage in anything other than platonic friendship. The balance of your group seemed to be shifting ever so slightly in this moment, and you had no way of knowing if it was for good or ill.

You cleared your throat, pushing away any feelings that might have been brewing in your chest, and instead calling focus back to the mission at hand.

"Actually, I think I'd better go with Thrawn. Whoever doesn't go with me would have to find their own date, and no offense Thrawn, but I think Eli has the better chance of asking someone else."

You hoped they hadn't noticed how hollow your voice sounded, how hard you were trying to keep yourself emotionless.

Eli was pinker than ever. "Uh, I highly doubt that..."

"You're not completely hated around here, you know," you said quickly. "Definitely not with the girls. You're not bad looking, you can be charming if you try, and you're... you know, human." You glanced at Thrawn and added again quietly, "No offense."

Thrawn shook his head. His color and demeanor had already slipped back into his usual neutral self. "No, I agree. Those are the dynamics of our peers and we must work with it. I will take you to the gala, Eli will find his own date, and all three of us will push Arden and Eva together as well. It's a good plan."

You all nodded in agreement. But there was a knot in your stomach, a nervousness you didn't quite understand. You cared very much for both Thrawn and Eli. They were your best friends, your only friends. As a group, you were bonded by your ostracism, protecting and supporting each other on your journey out of this hell-hole.

And separately, you had something special with each, too. You and Eli came from similar backgrounds, and had the same need to disconnect from your surroundings and just have a bit of fun every once in a while. The two of you had spent many late nights together, either hopping between bars, exploring the city, making each other laugh uncontrollably, or quietly sharing the honest thoughts you both buried far too deeply inside. Some nights you'd done all of the above, and returned to your dorm feeling both exhausted and renewed.

But Eli didn't always appreciate the finer things in life, and that's where you connected with Thrawn. He wasn't necessarily an optimist, but he had this way of noticing the beauty that existed everywhere around you, even in the most simple or mundane of moments. Everything had the potential to be interesting. His calm but strong presence had kept you grounded and sane throughout your studies here so far. Sometimes you would talk, other times you would simply be in the same space. And either way, you felt better about life.

You didn't exactly want your relationship with them to change. But you couldn't help but feel this gala would do just that....

Next Chapter: The Preparation >

Blueberry Path | Thrawn x reader

Cowboy Path | Eli x reader

[lizardkingeliot]

So, do those of you currently reading time cast a spell on you (but you won’t forget me) remember that scene in chapter 4 where Quentin shows up for his tutoring session and Eliot says he wants to go to the edge of the campus and manipulate the magic of the wards so they can fly? You know... this one:

Only they never end up making it there because they start bickering the second they leave the library? Well, in the rough draft of this chapter I initially had this scene... ending very differently. And they also weren’t going to fly, they were going to... well. I think I’ll just let y’all read it for yourselves lmao. I think I talked about this a bit on twitter when I was working on the chapter so if it sounds familiar that’s probably why. ANYWAY. I have a ton of deleted scenes from this fic, most of which will never see the light of day, but I woke up this morning with the urge to share at least part of this one so... I guess that’s what I’m going to do.

This is super rough and unedited and honestly not up to my usual standards, but... you know. Rough drafts tend to be that way. It’s also all over the place in terms of tone and where they were at this point in the fic lmao. This might be bordering on crack honestly. Which is why I just scrapped the whole thing and went a different route in the final draft. Anyway. Shutting up now. This is about 2k words so I’m putting most of it under a cut...

—

Trudging across campus two paces behind Eliot, Quentin was stricken by the overwhelming feeling that he was trapped inside a dream. The eerie, quiet campus, lit only by the waning moon and a few dots of light spilling from the various student houses. He looked back over his shoulder, spotting the Cottage in the distance, the dim orange glow of the front bay window swimming in his vision like a boat lost at sea. 

As they approached the outer edge of the grounds, Quentin could feel the magic of the wards, buzzing on the air like insects. Bone-deep reverberations, strains of music swelling from within. He’d never been out this far before. The line where Brakebills ended and the real world began. Where there was nothing but the boat house and the wind. The hair on the back of his neck stood on end. He breathed in deep, the scent of the Hudson rushing nearby filling his senses as Eliot came to a sudden halt in the dark.

“Here,” Eliot said. Quentin could only just barely make out the shape of his elegant fingers pointing just ahead. “Can you feel the energy? I guess the Naturalists come out here sometimes and use it to light their bongs.” He laughed, a sound that warmed Quentin underneath his jacket at once. “And occasionally singe their own eyebrows off in the process.”

Quentin looked back. They’d come out to a place that the light from the Cottage couldn’t reach. Eliot formed an orb between his hands and pinned it overhead, a grapefruit sized pendant of magic swaying gently in the breeze. He stepped into Quentin’s personal space, giving him the once over. Head-to-toe and back again, settling at last on Quentin’s eyes.

“So,” he said with a smirk. “Cavaleri Animation. My memory of the First Year curriculum is a little hazy, but they’ve dazzled you all with that one already, yes? Turning your marbles into little glass animals, you know the one.”

Quentin nodded. “Yeah, um… but Alice was the only one who could actually get hers to work.”

Swift and warm as a pulse, Eliot’s hand curled around the nape of Quentin’s neck. Heat spreading down the column of his spine like a flame catching a wick. Thumb teasing over burning flesh. Eliot’s lips ghosted over his ear, not quite touching. Still, Quentin swore he could feel his smile. “Well,” he said, soft and dark, “I’m here now. And you’re going to do it. And it’s going to work.”

Quentin’s hand was bunching up the back of Eliot’s cardigan. He didn’t know when that had happened. The hum of the magic was making him dizzy. For a moment, it was impossible to breathe. His body a tight line of tension and desire. Eliot pulled away and Quentin released his hold, staggering a little as he tried to regain some semblance of control.

“Um, okay…” Quentin ran a hand through his hair in a half-hearted attempt at centering himself. “Why, uh—why do we have to do that here? We could have just done that spell in the library.”

“Because,” Eliot said with a tip of his head, “I have a theory.”

“A theory?” Quentin frowned. “You brought me out here for a theory?”

“More of a hypothesis really,” Eliot said with a wave of his hand. “But I think it’s going to work.”

“Great,” Quentin said with an exasperated sigh. “Dicking around with unstable magic in the middle of the night. What could possibly go wrong.”

“Look, it’s going to be fun,” Eliot said with that casual little air of his. “And we probably won’t explode even if I’m wrong. So we really don’t have very much to lose.”

“Okay, I’m—” Quentin threw his hands up. “For fuck’s sake, El, can you just tell me what we’re actually doing out here?”

“We,” Eliot said very slowly, reaching inside his cardigan, pulling a sliver of magenta colored glass out of the pocket of his vest, and looking through it, “are going to tap into all that crazy energy and make your little glass marble friend into a very big animal friend and take it for a spin.” He passed the sliver of glass over to Quentin. “Take a look.”

Quentin stared at Eliot for a very long time before relenting. “You’re actually a crazy person, you know that?”

“I think you mean certified sorcerer genius, but I’ll take it.” He gestured with a nod of his head. “Go on. It’s balls to the wall out here. So much energy we could power a fucking nuclear reactor and I doubt Henry would notice.”

Quentin looked through the glass, moving it from one eye over to the other. At first, it was impossible to make sense of what he was actually seeing. A latticework of stars. Billions of them it seemed, all bumping up against one another in a wild, cosmic dance. A galaxy of intersecting lines and patchwork patterns shimmering like the wings of a dragonfly. And every now and then, a spark. Popping off into the dark like fingers desperate for the night. Quentin handed the glass back to Eliot with a shake of his head.

“I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Don’t be boring, Quentin,” Eliot said. It made Quentin’s chest ache with its normalcy. Like their past couldn’t touch them out here. Like out here with their bad ideas and their wild magic, maybe they could have some hope to start again. “But maybe… maybe don’t make anything that wants to bite our heads off.”

“Okay, so…” Quentin sighed with his whole chest. “To recap: you want to steal unstable magic from the wards of the school where we’re both currently students to make a giant glass animal that hopefully doesn’t swallow us whole so we can… take it for a ride?”

“Yes,” Eliot said, like it was the most obviously brilliant thing in the world. “Don’t make that face with your face. Tell me you’ve never wanted to ride a rhinoceros.”

“We are not riding a rhinoceros, Eliot. Absolutely not.” 

“Well, okay…” Eliot’s hand on his nape again. Heat, fire, a five alarm blaze encircling his neck like a collar. “If you could ride on any animal, real or imaginary—”

“The Cozy Horse,” Quentin said without thinking, heart pounding like hoofbeats trapped inside his chest. “Um… it’s from the Fillory books, uh…”

Eliot laughed softly. “Okay.” His hand slid down to Quentin’s shoulder, gripping it possessively. “Tell me about... the Cozy Horse.”

“Um…” Quentin squeezed his eyes shut, took a breath, shook his head. Eliot’s hand was stroking up and down the expanse of his upper arm and shoulder, making everything go all fuzzy in his brain. “It’s just, uh… it’s this horse that Jane rode on. It’s, uh… really tall. Like a hundred feet. Like a clydesdale on steroids.”

“You won’t ride a rhinoceros but you’re perfectly fine with a horse that’s a hundred feet tall?”

Quentin turned his face upward, trapping himself in Eliot’s gaze. Sinking, flying, falling. Close enough to kiss if he only went up on his toes a little. Tucked inside the safety of his warmth. Quentin wanted to burn, to melt into a puddle at Eliot’s feet and slosh around like muck. “I…” Quentin swallowed. “I don’t think the Cozy Horse would hurt us. It’s basically a giant stuffed animal.”

Eliot grinned, gazing down at Quentin for a long beat before pulling away. “Okay then,” he said, taking a few steps down the path under their feet. “Show me Cozy Horse.”

Quentin reached into his pocket, knelt down, set the marble on the path. “I don’t understand how I’m supposed to… harness the magic of the wards.”

Eliot made a circle with his thumb and forefinger, peering through it with one eye. “Just leave that part to me,” he said absently. “Go on. Make your horse. And don’t say you can’t do it. We both know that you can.”

Quentin gazed up the long line of Eliot’s body. Eliot was fully focused on the wards. The sound of night, the crackle of magic. Quentin shivered under his jacket. His hands hovered over the marble, focusing his energy on prepping the glass for transformation with Dempsey's Silent Thermogenesis. Once molten, the marble could be manipulated into almost any shape he could imagine. For the Cozy Horse, Quentin didn’t have much to go on but the memory of a single illustration, and a few lines from The Wandering Dune, but he figured it would probably be simple enough. How hard could it be to imagine a draft horse the size of something straight out of the Cretaceous period?

Quentin twisted the glass under his fingers, so fully focused on his task he almost didn’t notice when Eliot began to move. When, suddenly, through the loop of Eliot’s fingers, a beam of sharp, frenzied magic began to focus on the animal he had half-formed with laser precision.

“You might wanna hurry,” Eliot said. “I don’t know how long I can hold this here.”

Quentin scowled in his direction, looping a bit of the molten glass into the shape of a tail. “You’re shit at communicating, you know that,” he spit, letting the gentle rage rising in his belly fuel his magic. “I thought cooperative magic was supposed to be, I don’t know… cooperative?”

Legs, hooves, the gentle slope of a hulking animal’s back. The wispy tendrils of a mane. Eliot was saying something that might have been a warning. Quentin was too focused on his creation to parse a single one of his words. The magic of the wards cracked like lightning. He could feel it in his hands. Quickly, almost as an afterthought, Quentin gave the beast that had come to life beneath his fingers a shimmering loop around the back of the neck that might have passed for reins if he squinted.

A single hoofbeat on the soft ground. The beam of magic stuttering through Eliot’s fingers died away, and he let out a tremendous sigh.

“Okay so... “ Quentin frowned, eyes flitting from the tiny glass horse up to Eliot’s face. “I don’t think this is going to—”

A flash, a pop, a tremendous wave of heat knocking the air from his lungs. Quentin shoved his body backward off the path and into the grass just as Eliot was running over. Kneeling down, using himself as a makeshift shield as he pushed Quentin further back away from the molten monstrosity shifting and morphing and doubling, tripling, quadrupling in size. A deep rumble, the tinkling of glass. Quentin peered over Eliot’s shoulder, his eyes moving up, up, up, trying to take in what it was he was actually seeing.

The glass horse shook out its mane, rearing up on its hind legs and down again with an earth-trembling thud. The distance from the ground to its shoulder must have been twenty feet. It had no eyes and no mouth, but Quentin swore he could feel its glassy stare boring into him. The light of the orb dangling overhead passed right through the center of its body. For a long moment, everything went perfectly still.

And then Eliot started to laugh. “Holy shit,” he said, his eyes wide as dinner plates when he turned his face to Quentin. “That is a big fucking horse.”

A laugh sputtered out from between Quentin’s lips. “Yeah, um… yeah. Fuck. It really is.”

Eliot’s body pressed right up against Quentin’s body when he turned, and leaned in, so close they were almost kissing. A pulse of heat passed between them. Quentin felt it in his chest like a second heart. “So,” Eliot said, a hand curling around Quentin’s cheek for a fleeting moment before pulling away. “You wanna take her for a spin?”

Quentin felt absolutely out of his mind. Hazy, his body a liminal space. “Yeah,” he said with a short, stuttering burst of laughter. “Yeah, why the fuck not.”

Unreality set in hard as they stood and cautiously approached. Up close, they might as well have been gazing upward at the hulking glass back of a dinosaur. The haphazard reins Quentin had created looped around the beast’s neck like a string of fairy lights. 

“Um…” Quentin laughed, tucking a tuft of hair behind his ear. “How the fuck are we even going to get on this thing?”

Eliot took his hand suddenly, threading their blood-warm fingers together. “Oh, Q,” he said with a full-faced grin, “we’re gonna fucking fly.”

[emy-loves-you]

Wrong Numbers And Useless Gays Chapter 8

Snake Boi Needs Hugs

This chapter deals with depersonalization, disassociation, self-harm (scratching), past body mutilation, child neglect, etc. If any of these topics have the potential to trigger you, please skip to the bold section at the end of this chapter. There, I have a masterlist/recap of all issues/disorders that the characters have been revealed to have up to this point. I was at a really low point when I wrote this, but it’s still important to the story, and this is the worst that it's gonna get. Please be safe. If you skip down to the masterlist and something in Janus' section triggers you, don’t read this chapter. You can read the rest of this fic with only the masterlist info instead of the actual chapter.

Chapter 7 | Masterlist | Chapter 9

(November 9th)

V- (6:24 PM) Hey guys, I’m gonna be really busy over the next few days. Probably won’t respond to texts. Nothing’s wrong, I just won’t be on my phone.

P- (6:24 PM) Alright Kiddo. Stay safe, and don’t forget to eat!

V- (6:25 PM) I will. I’ll text you guys when it’s over. See you then

Virgil sighed, locking his front door. He began his long walk to Janus’ house. This was one of those few times where he wished that he owned his own car. He sighed, adjusting his backpack. While normally Virgil would ask Janus or Remus to pick him up, Janus’ birthday was in 2 days. That’s why Virgil was making this journey in the first place. Sometimes, Janus spent his birthday like an excited 8-year-old, ordering a 3 tier cake and enough glitter to cover the entire house. Sometimes Janus was clingy: wanting to cuddle on the couch with Remus, watch shitty romcoms and drink enough booze to fill a river. But sometimes…

Virgil shook his head. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be one of those birthdays. He knocked on the door. There was a muffled curse before the door was swung open. Remus stood there, slightly panting. His hair was all over the place, and he was wearing what looked like his pajamas from the day before. Virgil bit down the urge to say “you look like shit.” Instead, he just nodded his head and stepped into the house. He followed Remus into the old study (Janus never came in here any other time of year) and found Janus hunched over his desk, writing something down. But what drew in Virgil’s attention were the wrist-length yellow gloves on his hands. So it’s one of THOSE birthdays.

Virgil's mind flashed to the day he met Janus, the yellow gloves brushing his hair back. Janus had been given those gloves by his father for his 18th birthday. Other than to bathe, Janus never took them off until months after his parents died. It took a lot of time and effort to convince Janus that he didn’t need those gloves, especially since they were the only present that his father had ever given him. After they started performing as The Dark Sides, Janus had bought himself a pair of yellow elbow-length gloves. He only wore the elbow-length gloves when he was Deceit, and he never wore the wrist-length gloves.

Virgil shook his head, stepping further into the room. Janus has yet to look up. Virgil stepped around the desk, knowing that he wouldn’t acknowledge Virgil even if he spoke up. He read the first line, frowning at what he saw.

“Dear Mother and Father,”

Virgil looked up at Remus, giving him a nod. Remus left the room. It would be beneficial for Remus to go, since he knew the house better than Virgil. While Remus went to lock up anything potentially dangerous, Virgil kept an eye on Janus. He took a seat in the armchair in the corner of the study, positioned specifically for Virgil to have a perfect view of both Janus and the door. They sat there for several hours, the sound Janus’ pen the only sound between them. Virgil’s eyes never left Janus, knowing what would happen if he looked away for too long. Janus abruptly stood up, neatly folding up the 20-something pages of letters and throwing them away. Virgil stood up, following Janus into the dining room. He couldn’t see Remus- he was probably sleeping. There was a pile of sandwiches on the table (turkey with tomato and mayonnaise, crustless. Janus’ favorite) along with 2 plastic cups and bottled water. Virgil pulled back a chair, and Janus numbly sat down, posture perfectly straight. Virgil gave Janus a cup of water and half of a sandwich before sitting down. They ate in silence. Two bites into his third sandwich, Janus stood up. Virgil followed. They walked upstairs, Virgil glancing at the clock on the wall. 12:13 AM. Earlier than usual. Virgil followed Janus into the master bedroom, finding Remus passed out on the edge of the bed. He watched as Janus changed into his pajamas, currently having no sense of decency. He kept his gloves on as he lay in bed, facing the ceiling with eyes wide open. Virgil sat on the couch near the bed, his gaze never wavering. They sat there for several more hours, neither moving an inch. When Virgil’s alarm went off (vibrate only, no loud noises) at 4 AM, Virgil got up to wake Remus. They quickly changed positions, with Remus sitting on the couch and Virgil curling up on the bed. He noticed Janus’ eyes fluttering shut and he drifted off soon after.

He woke up to Remus shaking him at 9:30. He silently got up, giving Remus a quick nod before slipping out of the room. He went to a separate bedroom to change before hurrying down to the kitchen. He made a batch of blueberry muffins (they couldn’t eat anything that required silverware, not after the first time) and went about cleaning up the sandwiches from last night. By 10:30, the muffins had cooled down, and Virgil could hear Janus and Remus making their way downstairs. Virgil quickly put the muffins on the table and checked to make sure he wasn’t covered in any ingredients (when he was like this, Janus would forget that he fired his servants years ago). Virgil quickly sat down, glancing up just as Janus walked in.

He was wearing a crisp business suit, his gloves still in place. Virgil watched as Remus got Janus situated, planting a quick kiss on the side of his face. Virgil let a ghost of a smile flicker onto his face; even when Janus was like this, Remus still absolutely adored him. That smile quickly fled when he realized where Remus had kissed him. A long, horrid scar rested on Janus’ face, stretching from temple to chin. Janus tended to paint that half of his face with scales when playing Deceit, if only to cover it up. Another flashback appeared, this time of Janus two weeks after his parents died. They were eating steak, and they thought Janus was finally opening back up and suddenly there was so much blood and Virgil took the knife away as Janus kept clawing at his face and make it stop make it stop-

A hand on his shoulder pulled him back roughly. Virgil looked up to see Remus peering down at him, a look of not-quite pity on his face. Virgil quickly shook his head, turning back to the muffin on his plate. He didn’t feel hungry anymore.

Today played out much like the day before, with Janus hunched over his desk writing letters. Virgil and Remus each took turns watching him while the other slept or prepared meals. That night, Remus took the first shift while Virgil went to sleep. He woke up at around 2 AM to Janus screaming. He quickly bolted up, taking in the situation. Remus was now sitting on Janus’ lap, keeping his legs down as he pinned his arms to his sides. Janus arched his back, his face red but no open cuts to be seen (that’s at least one good thing about those damned gloves). Remus looked close to tears, and Virgil quickly grabbed one of Janus’ arms, allowing Remus to focus on the other. They sat there for several minutes, praying for Janus to calm down. He eventually passed out, a combination of exhaustion and lack of air from screaming keeping him asleep. Virgil took up his shift early, letting Remus lie down. Neither slept for the rest of the night.

The next day, they had some strawberry muffins and contemplated what would happen today. It was now November 11th, Janus’ birthday, and neither friend had a single clue about what would happen today. They watched as Janus got up and grabbed his coat from the living room. Remus kept watch while Virgil hurried upstairs, grabbing his backpack. He quickly ran back downstairs, giving one last nod to Remus before Janus slipped out of the house. Virgil would go with Janus while Remus cleaned up the house and got some sleep.

Virgil followed Janus as they walked through the gardens, already knowing where they were heading. They walked down this path constantly after the funeral, and by now Virgil had it memorized. While they walked, Virgil quietly opened his bag and brought out a bouquet of fake flowers. He handed Janus the bouquet as they reached the grave. It was an elaborate headstone, with angels etched around the words:

“Here lies David and Mary Williams. October 8th, 1961 to November 11th, 2014. December 4th, 1962 to November 11th, 2014. Lovers, parents, and friends to all that met them.”

Virgil scowled at the headstone as Janus kneeled over the grave. Even after 6 years, these bastards still hurt him. They stayed there for a few hours, no sounds beyond the birds chirping in the distance. Janus eventually got up, dropping the flowers and making his way back to the house. Virgil followed, silently checking Janus for any sign of emotion. His face was perfectly blank, with no signs of crying or distress. They reached the house at around 2 PM and Virgil was slightly surprised when Janus made a beeline for the ballroom. He nudged Remus awake as they passed the living room, pulling him off the couch before following Janus. They could hear the slow sounds of some waltz as Janus turned on the old gramophone in the corner of the room. Janus then stood there, staring at the floor as if it could tell him what to do. Remus quickly walked up and put a hand on Janus’ waist, using his other to clasp Janus’ own hand. Janus looked up, and for the first time in 3 days, he looked like he actually saw Remus, not a stranger.

They slowly danced around the room, and to Virgil they looked more intimate than he’d ever seen them. There was groping, no dirty secrets whispered between each other, just dancing. Dancing with open and honest looks on their faces, speaking in a language that Virgil’s pretty sure he’ll never learn. The way that Remus furrowed his brow every few minutes, the subtle squeezing of Janus’ hands. This was the spark that they shared, and Virgil knew that he would never be able to have this type of moment with them. They were so obviously in love, and he wished that moments like this happened more often, that they were able to be like this without one of them being emotionally compromised or vulnerable.

Eventually, the record stopped, and with it all of Janus’ self-control. He flung himself around Remus’ neck, and Virgil could hear the muffled sob from across the room. Remus gently lowered them to the ground, rubbing his back and whispering something that Virgil couldn’t hear. Remus looked up and made eye contact with Virgil, silent tears streaming down his face. Go, his look said, I’ll take care of him. Virgil nodded, going to make dinner.

The next day, Virgil was happy to see Janus sitting on the couch, curled up against Remus, and watching cheesy rom coms. He glanced down and noticed that the gloves were nowhere to be found. Virgil smiled, going to take a seat on Janus’ other side. He glanced over at Remus as he made some snarky remark. Yes, they were still broken. Yes, they still had moments where they lost all hope. But they also had each other. They were family, and that was all Virgil ever wanted.

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Here is the masterlist of issues and/or disorders that the characters, in order of relevance to the story:

Remus- Remus is a transgender male with the deadname Rebecca. His parents were very controlling and manipulative. They refused to acknowledge that he transitioned, so he ran away at age 16. He hasn’t talked to his family since. In retaliation to how transphobic and homophobic his parents were, Remus developed a very vulgar mindset. He tells everyone that he meets about how he’s trans and very gay for Janus. He never talks about his life before he met Janus and Virgil unless he’s extremely drunk. Remus developed his persona of the Duke to help combat his gender dysphoria and intrusive thoughts. The Duke is much more vulgar but less likely to admit that he’s trans. He currently lives with Janus (and a good distance away from his hometown). He has lived there for almost 7 years, has been a member of The Dark Sides for 5 years, and has been in a relationship with Janus for 4 years.

Roman- Roman is Remus’ twin. When Remus (still being called Rebecca at the time) was trying to discover himself, he began to look and act similarly to Roman. He was punished for this (since their parents were transphobic) and Roman’s low self-esteem combined with Remus’ punishments caused Roman to lash out at Remus the day before he came out to their parents. Roman is unaware that Remus transitioned and blames himself for pushing “Rebecca” away. Roman began to lash out against his parents and started a secret relationship with Logan in order to combat their homophobia (that’s what he told himself. He also had a massive crush on both Logan and Patton). When Patton found out, they briefly argued before getting together in a polyamorous relationship. They coincidentally moved to the same town that Remus did soon after graduating high school. Roman still suffers from extreme guilt at the loss of Rebecca and is occasionally harassed by his parents over the phone. Roman has been in the poly relationship for almost 8 years and has lived in his current house for 6 years.

Janus- Was emotionally neglected at a young age by his rich parents. They were always screaming at each other and him behind closed doors. He was taught to never show that his life was less than perfect, so by 19 he was a compulsive liar. He met Virgil during one of his depressive (and slightly suicidal) episodes and decided to take him in. He met and took in Remus 4 months after meeting Virgil. His parents were neglectful to the point where they didn’t realize that they were housing two other teenagers. On Janus’ 20th birthday, both of his parents died in a car crash. He immediately fired all of his staff and went into an extreme depression. Two weeks after his death, he self-harmed and mutilated his face with a steak knife, leaving him with a horrible scar. He has gotten a lot better over the years, though he tends to depersonalize and potentially self-harm on the days leading up to his birthday. He uses the persona of Deceit to separate his compulsive lying from his actual personality. You can never tell when Deceit is lying (and half the time, neither can he). Janus is less of a compulsive liar now, but he’s still extremely sarcastic and will slip into his Deceit persona when he feels vulnerable. Same timestamps as Remus, though he’s lived in this town his entire life.

Virgil- Virgil has never known his birth parents, his mother dying when he was 3 months old and his dad nowhere to be seen. He never had a stable home, having bounced around the foster system until he was kicked out at 18. He met Janus soon after, who took him in. Virgil has always had a knack for music and art, but he was never able to fully develop his talents until Remus suggested they form a band. He cooked for Janus and Remus before he moved out, since neither of them had needed to cook for themselves before they met each other. Virgil never felt he earned anything for himself until he started earning money from The Dark Sides. Because of this (and the fact that he has an insane amount of money now), Virgil likes to spoil his crushes with big, elaborate gifts (he can’t spoil Janus or Remus because Janus is richer than Virgil will ever be and Remus is already spoiled by Janus). When Janus and Remus got together they offered for Virgil to join their relationship. He declined, quickly noticing that their relationship with each other is deeper and more intimate than anything that he could ever have with them. Virgil uses the persona of Anxiety to combat his, you guessed it, anxiety. Anxiety is suave and confident, though Virgil only slips into his persona when either flirting or at a Dark Sides-related event. Virgil has the same timestamps as Janus, though he never joined Janus’ relationship with Remus.

Patton- Patton has always had mild depression. He gets depressive episodes at least once a month. He’s never been suicidal, but he becomes very self-deprecating during more intense episodes. He usually turns to one of the others for a distraction. Patton grew up next door to Logan, and they got together when they were 12. They kept their relationship a secret until Patton found Logan making out with Roman 5 years later. It hurt him a lot and he still fears that they’ll leave one day for someone else. Patton has been in a relationship with Logan for nearly 13 years, Roman joined them 8 years ago, and they’ve lived in the same house for 6 years.

Logan- Logan doesn’t have any issues or disorders to note, other than he’s really tired. He’s helped Patton through his depression for as long as he can remember, and he helps Roman through his issues of guilt and anger (Patton’s self-deprecating thoughts tend to increase when Roman is upset). Logan is calm and collected. He’s the only one in this series who’s been to college, and will soon earn his master's degree in astronomy. They actually decided to move to this town due to its college’s astronomy program. Logan is the one who deals with budgeting and scheduling, hence why he’s annoyed with Virgil spending so much money on them. All of his timestamps are the same as Patton’s.

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Taglist: @bisexualdisaster106 @self-taught-mess @itawalrus @arodynamic-enby @sanderssides-angst 

[dyketectivecomics]

At long last; another recap of my 90s Gotham reading! (or rather the notes that I took along the way) Still mostly focused on Helena & Tim atm, but change for that is on the horizon...

TW for brief mentions of sexual assault &, uhh, canon typical violence

Tim

Mostly what I wanna focus on is Robin II: Joker’s Wild which... feels like an arc that’s coming in Too Soon and only serves to Prove that tims Up to Snuff.

It’s an entertaining enough read on its own, as a story that allows Tim to Hold his own against a Major™ villain. But it’s much too soon into Tims tenure as a Robin imo, and much too soon for him to have a distinct voice yet for me. It’s just... odd.

I suppose thats some of the appeal for early Tim, I can totally see him as a character here that’s supposed to be an easy way for a reader to project himself onto (he’s a Teen™, he’s a Nerd™, but even one of the Jocks™ in the story briefly point out how easy it’d be for him to be Popular™) and ofc he’s an easy way for a reader to then live vicariously through him.

having read 90s YJ already though... I can already say that I like him infinitely more in that setting than I do rn with how Dixon has handled him thus far...

again. not gonna be one of my fav robins. but i can see the meta appeal of him for others

Helena

We finally wrap up the latter “half” of the Huntress solo run and #13 opens right up with Helena rescuing a girl who’s just been sexually/physically assaulted. Takes the girl to a crisis center and meta textually is definitely taking the situation to heart bc of her own unresolved trauma which oooof

Crisis worker offers to take her on as a client which 🥺🥺🥺 (name’s Dr Evelyn Rosen, note for future randy to WRITE SOME FIC ABT THIS ACTUALLY)

at first Helena going to therapy seems like a ruse just to jacks the doc’s notebook to find out the gang’s hideout and exact VENGEANCE for the girl mentioned earlier, but later issues we see she’s still regularly attending therapy which!!!!!!!! amazing!!! wish we’d see MORE of that kinda thing for these heroes tbh!!!!

there’s a hero who steps in during this arc calling himself the Waterfront Warrior. he steals a spotlight but also the credit for stopping some gang violence, which Helena is Big Mad abt aksjks like girl do u want to be in the shadows or NOT MAKE UP UR MIND AKSJ

(He turns out to be Helena’s landlord but he’s also got a Tragic Backstory™️ and genuinely wants to Do Right by his renters and by his neighborhood just 🥺🥺🥺)

Arc ends with uplifting note abt doing what you can and it just wow. Can’t wait to see how Bruce ruins this alsjaksjsj 

Batman comin to HELENAS city and she is having NONE of it. OH HOW THE TURNTABLES

okay, read thru this all VERY quickly, some stuff to note is that the kid whose family was killed by one of the gangs last arc that i finished was the one driving part of the plot for this final arc. Helena’s kinda??? implied to be taking him in too???

she’s also framed as being much more victim-focused/empathetic compared to bruce in this story which... hmm

there’s THIS panel which is gonna live in my brain and which REALLY wants me to meta abt bc okay hear me out...

(Context jic its not obvs but also bc i forgot to screenshot the panel before it, but she essentially said something along the lines of “i was half expecting (batman) to say...”)

At this point, Tim’s just starting to find his footing as the new Robin in replacing Jay, so like... Similarly............... Helena could kinda be seen as like.... Taking Babs’ place. Not in a COMPLETE 1 to 1 ofc, but still just!!!! idk!!!! knowing that Babs would’ve been finding her footing during this time period as Oracle... Knowing that they’re similar enough in age here (w/ Helena essentially being an early 20-something taking An Extended Gap Year from college, and Babs’ implied to be around this same age)

idk!!! i like the idea of them having contention outside of them??? (supposedly bc i havent read it myself just yet) having beef bc of Mutual Love Interest in Dick which??? that shits always so boring goddamn.

and esp knowing that obvsly in NML helena just straight up takes the Bat-symbol on bc Batman is MIA just!!!!

idk!!! idk!!! its weird!!!!!! but also im gonna be thinking abt this alot now actually!!!

[lenawin4]

an offer you can’t refuse

HOW WE DOIN ELLICK FANS?

I had this fic in my drafts halfway done, but after I watched that promo, I finished it in like, two hours. hope y’all enjoy. (also, may or may not contribute to the wave of 18x05/18x06 speculation fics. EXCITED)

summary: 

“It’ll be fun,” Nick said on Day Four, then looked at them incredulously. “What? You’ve never taken down the mafia before?” ft. the whole gang, some blink-and-you’ll-miss-it mentions of Tiva, and prank wars.

Or: Nick’s jealous, Ellie’s clueless, and the team dismantles a crime family.

rating: gen, k+

length: 3.4k

genres: fluff, minor angst, romance

read on ffn | ao3

So Ellie’s in her corner of the bullpen, and Nick can’t stop looking at her. That’s how it all starts.

She’s wearing one of her cashmere sweaters, and they’ve been working this case for so long that her outfit is three days old. The bags under her eyes can’t be hidden by makeup and the curls in her hair have started to flatten. She has that crease in between her eyebrows that warns him not to bother her with a stupid joke, but that’s never stopped him before.

Ellie’s phone rings, so he freezes in the middle of sauntering over to her, halfway through the bullpen. It’s magic: her eyes widen slightly; the crease disappears; a slow smile spreads, then a grin.

The corners of his mouth start to slip upward, but he fights it down because McGee is at his desk. He’s talking to the local PDs, spelling out one of the long Italian names they’re trying to pin on something, and Tim is eyeing him like a hawk.

“Mark?” Ellie shouts into the phone. 

Who?

“Gimme a sec,” Ellie points to her phone and mouths, I have to take this, sorry, and Nick is left gaping at the back of her head as she runs to the break room.

-

That happens on Day Six. A recap:

Dead sailor in a drive-by shooting in Bethesda. Grab your gear.

There was cocaine underneath the bed and piles of cash in the closet in the sailor’s apartment.

McGee traced a bank account in the Caymans to a Joey DiGiorno, as in, It’s-not-delivery-it’s-DiGiorno’s.

“Do you think he has a cousin named Domino’s?” Ellie asked; and —

For the fifth time this month, Nick realizes that he’s in love with Ellie Bishop.

Joey does not have a cousin, but he does have a criminal record and an uncle who happens to be the DC/Virginia/Maryland leader of the DiGiorno Family. 

“Wow, two states and the capital city,” said McGee. “Impressive.”

On top of Nick’s To Do List - Get Gibbs everything on this guy: records, cars, girlfriends, other nieces and nephews, etc., etc.

“It’ll be fun,” Nick said on Day Four, then looked at them incredulously. “What? You've never taken down the mafia before?”

-

McGee follows the money to a nightclub in DC (“Do they serve pizza?”; “Nick, please.”), but there’s no way to know when or how the drugs are smuggled into the building, which can only mean one thing: stakeout time.

Stakeouts are the worst. Stakeouts mean unlimited time in a confined place with nothing better to do, the uncomfortable silence of Nick and his thoughts and the little place in his head that teeters between sixteen different names and a glass jar of lake water that hides on the shelf of his apartment.

Right now, a stakeout is the best thing that could ever happen to him.

So, Mark. He can’t exactly Boyle his way into this, not after Bishop nearly chewed his head off because he cancelled her date. 

It’s not helping that Bishop keeps smiling at her phone every two hours, and semi-aggressively types out a text in all caps and extra exclamation marks. (He watches the way her fingers move. He knows those are exclamation marks. Like, at least ten of them.)

“Didn’t know dates liked it when you yelled at them all the time.”

“What?” Ellie says, not looking up from her phone.

He puts his feet up on the desk a little too harshly. Ellie wrinkles her nose.

“What could possibly be more important than this very, very interesting stakeout right now? Don’t you see there’s a hooker in front of the club and it’s barely noon? We should report it to Gibbs.”

There’s that sarcastic laugh that’s reserved for him, a quip about not being able to afford her, then back to the invisible Mark he’s heard nothing about.

-

To: ninja lady, 11:59

hey on a stakeout w El. what should i do

To: big wuss, 12:05

prank war. worked for us.

To: ninja lady, 12:06

i’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not

-

He tells her he’s buying fast food and chips a few blocks away. He asks the cashier for an extra paper bag and places a spring-loaded glitter bomb from the Dollar Tree at the bottom.

-

To: ninja lady, 14:05

success

To: big wuss, 14:07

ha! watch your six. revenge is tasty, no?

To: ninja lady, 14:09

i think you mean vengeance is sweet, but check with your husband

-

Nick returns from a bathroom break and peers left and right. Nothing in the room has changed: Ellie is still finishing the bag of fries. Her head is turned towards the window, and she’s glancing at her phone every few seconds. Maybe that’s an exaggeration, but he sort of doesn’t care. His chair hasn’t moved from the computer desk, and there are no booby traps outside the bathroom door or in the hallway.

Okay. The coast is clear.

“Hey, maybe you should check your face one more time, I think you still have glitter — ”

Splat.

His chair explodes in a tidal wave of green and red paint, splattering all over his jeans — gross, it feels so cold — and his leather jacket. 

When he looks up, Ellie’s beaming at him from behind her phone, fry stuck in her mouth like a cigarette, green paint smeared across her cheek like evidence. Mercilessly, she sends the video to McGee, Kasie, and Tony.

-

To: big wuss, 17:25

I’m disappointed.

To: ninja lady, 17:29

yeah, yeah, laugh all you want

this sucks

To: big wuss, 17:30

Not just the stakeout, I presume?

To: ninja lady, 17:32

who the hell is Mark

she keeps texting him

it’s distracting me

To: ninja lady, 17:35

you know, from work

To: big wuss, 17:40

Oh, Nicholas.

-

(Across the Atlantic, in a small apartment in Paris, a married couple compares recent messages.

Ziva clicks her tongue. “I think he might be a bigger wuss than you, Tony.”

“I had better pranks than this guy, okay, at least give me that.”)

-

There’s a crowd of seamen lounging around the club. Their voices send pinpricks into his brain, and he can smell the alcohol from the second floor of this building. The bouts of laughter and shouts are interrupted by crunching. Next to him, the foul smell of artificial cheese surrounds Eleanor Bishop. Her fingers are coated with orange dust. Her eyes are laser-focused on the group of men, arms around each other, starting to sing the first bars of “Piano Man”. She licks her lips, and a bit of orange dust is left over at the edge of her mouth. She brings her fingers to her lips to lick them clean.

Nick’s mouth is suddenly dry.

Okay, okay, he needs to focus. Focus. It’ll be easy.

When he finally turns away, the hooker is grabbing one of the men by his tie, who tries to pull away. He rolls his eyes, but before Nick can say, “Playing hard to get, are we?”, the sailor is handing her a thick wad of cash. It’s exchanged for something thickly wrapped in saran plastic wrap, and he jolts out of his seat.

“It was the hooker!”

-

Nick did not know running that quickly in high heels was possible.

-

Ellie’s phone dings three times past his limit on the way to the interrogation room. The sound grates against his ears and his eyes can’t roll further up his socket. She doesn’t even notice.

They’re behind the glass, waiting for McGee to question her, when Gibbs walks in. He takes one look at the green paint on Ellie’s cheek and sees the same paint on Nick’s jeans.

Before Ellie can try to explain, Nick announces, “Gibbs, I told Ellie to call you about the hooker hours ago and she didn’t listen to me!”

“That is not true!”

“Yes, it is!”

-

“Wait, so we’re just going to give up?” Ellie’s hair is still slightly frazzled from tackling the suspect down, strands loose on her forehead and around her ears. She ran up and down four flights of stairs to catch her, but they’ve been given an order to push the case to another day with another lead. “What about Sugar Honey?”

“We can’t catch anyone higher up the food chain if she doesn’t consent to wearing a wire.”

“So sneak one on her!” The Director raises his eyebrows.

“Bishop.” She snaps around, eagerly awaiting Gibbs’s cowboy orders. “Go home. Get some sleep.”

“What? I can’t believe you’re actually agreeing with this.”

“Ellie,” Nick says, coming to her supposed rescue. There’s a flicker of hope in her eyes, and he hesitates to kill it. But he has to. He stands up, and immediately yelps and whines. Guiltily, he savors the look of concern she gives him. “Actually, could you drive me home? I think I twisted my ankle when we were chasing down Sugar Honey.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Ellie pouts. It maybe makes his stomach flutter, which is stupid, because Nick doesn’t feel things like that.

“You know me. Stoic face and all. I could get stabbed and none of you would know.”

“You know, that’s not a good thing.” She grabs his car keys from his jacket and puts his arm around her shoulders.

Bishop throws a stern look to the Director and Gibbs. Their bosses look half-confused, half-amused; Nick avoids Gibbs’s knowing look. “Fine. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She walks him to his car. He feels warm and lonely all at once, because her phone rings two more times.

Nick plops down on the passenger seat, and Ellie wrenches the car into ignition, and says with no small amount of strife, “I know you’re lying and I’m either taking you to your apartment or back to the club. Your choice.”

Um. “Hey, let’s not do anything dangerously impulsive here.”

“Me? Impulsive? What about you?”

“What? When have I ever done anything dangerous or impulsive?”

“You stole a truck and totaled it when you were chasing down a suspect last month. Gibbs was already waiting on another block to cut him off.”

“Well, at least I didn’t get hurt.”

“You had a concussion and I had to wake you up every hour that night.”

They’re already out of the Navy Yard, almost ten over the speed limit, and going in the opposite direction of his apartment.

“Okay, I’m sorry I lied about my ankle. But Bishop.” He’s not sure how to say it, so what leaves his mouth is a sound of frustration. “You can’t dismantle the mafia with just this one case. These things take time. One Sugar Honey confession was the best we could do today. And that’s okay. But we’ll catch another one tomorrow, or maybe next week, and the week after that.”

The car slows down; Ellie’s pout becomes more pronounced. The sudden U-turn makes him clutch at the dashboard and pray for his life.

“Fine,” Ellie says. “But — ”

“Tomorrow, I will help you possibly arrest a drug dealer, that will lead us to the drug supplier, that will lead us to the boss.”

She nods, hands tightly holding the steering wheel. There’s glitter in her hair and streaks of paint on her jeans. They’ve barely slept in the past two days, driving each other insane. 

“I can take the couch for a few hours and then we’ll be on our way. We both need to rest.”

Ellie doesn’t reply.

“If you don’t crash at my place, I’ll call Gibbs and tell him you’re going back to the club.”

Ellie protests for the rest of the car ride, but Nick doesn’t budge an inch.

-

The stakeout resumes peacefully. Gibbs and Vance were right: the dealers are spooked and no deals occur for the next week.

Bishop doesn’t spend every single moment on her phone, so at least there’s that. He can’t deny the twinge of longing every time he sees her eyes brighten at the sound of another text.

Still, even that is nothing compared to the ache he feels when she yawns and rubs her eyes. It’s the type of case that makes her want to prove herself, to risk everything to accomplish her ambitions, to run after something without a thought of the consequences. He knows the feeling. He has that feeling every time a kid is involved.

So he triples the bags of junk food on the floor of the moldy apartment. He lets her rest a little more when it’s his watch. She curls up in the blanket she stole from his apartment and sighs in her sleep.

They’re both exhausted, so their prank war grinds to a halt. Nick’s exasperated, and he doesn’t reply to any of Ziva’s requests for updates. Ellie’s smile is something admirably distracting and infuriating, especially when it’s not directed to him.

-

Here’s the thing, though: Nick can’t imagine when Ellie had time to go on a date with a Mark that he’s never met or heard of in the past few weeks. Before Operation Take DiGiorno’s to Prison, they had back-to-back murders that took a total of two weeks out of their lives. Before those, Nick went to pilates with her for three consecutive weekends. So whoever this Mark is, might be special to her. Someone she wants to keep to herself. Someone she wants to talk to all day, someone she wants to smile and laugh with, someone she wants to be with. It’s that simple.

It’s just not Nick.

-

The seaman in Interrogation still isn’t talking, but at least there’s something in the cocaine.

“Local PD’s been digging up everything they can about the drug ring for months, and this little sample here matches their signature packaging and purity. But I’m telling you, whoever hired their chemists needs to do a better job, cause this stuff ain’t pure at all.”

“Can we connect it to Joey or the uncle?”

“I’m so glad you asked. We, in fact, do have a way to arrest them, thanks to Kasie — ”

“Don’t talk about yourself in the third person.”

“Okay, someone’s grumpy! DiGiorno’s olive oil company bought bulk chemicals, which are being delivered to this address. We’ve got dimethyl sulfoxide, tetrahydrofuran — ”

“English, Kasie.”

“Coke. They’re making coke. Trust me, those materials are not extra virgin.”

He grunts out a thanks and swirls around, ready to leave.

“Woooaaahhh there, son.” Kasie holds her hands out in front of her to tame him. “What’s going on with you, Nicholas?”

“What? Nothing!”

“Okay. Then I guess it has nothing to do with you and your feelings.”

“What? Nothing’s up with Bishop and me!”

“I didn’t say anything about Bishop.”

“Okay,” Nick chuckles, searching for an exit route that may or may not involve rolling past Kasie in a very ninja-like manner before booking it out of the building. “You said something, I said something, now we’re both confused, and I gotta go now, bye!”

-

McGee’s hawk eyes peer at him when Bishop retreats to the break room again. It makes Nick squirm in his seat and try to pry his gaze away from her empty desk.

“Is something going on between you and Bishop?”

“Uh, no, why, did she say something?” He crosses his arms to quell the sound of his heart.

McGee scoffs. “I mean. You guys have barely talked since you came back from the stakeout.”

“Well. I don’t need to talk to her. All the time.”

“But you do.”

Nick makes a face. Bishop strolls back into the bullpen, carefree and light, and he shuts his mouth.

“What do we got?” Gibbs says, and McGee has no choice but to brush this under the rug.

-

It’s Day Ten, more accurately Night Ten, and they’re sitting in the car, driving to the warehouse where they’ll arrest Joey and his uncle. She’s wearing a vest and he has the urge to clean his gun before a shootout. But they’ll be fine.

He glances at her tied-up hair and the clench of her jaw. His hands tighten on the steering wheel, because he wants to hold her face in his hands and tangle his fingers in her hair. He wants to tell her something he can barely admit to himself.

She says nothing. The phone doesn’t ring. He keeps driving.

-

He forgets she has a vest on. He forgets everything, really, when he sees Ellie go down in the middle of the raid, and Joey starts running away. Gibbs yells at him to call an ambulance before he and McGee chase after the idiot who shot his partner.

Nick scrambles to her side, vision blurring, and he has more trouble breathing than she does when he reaches her. “Bishop, El, you’re gonna be okay, alright?”

Ellie groans as he slices her vest open. The bullet clatters off the Kevlar.

“Nick,” Ellie’s saying. “Nick, I’m fine.” His hands hover, barely brushing over her arms, neck, head — I have to check for concussion — and it does nothing to reassure him, until her hands fold into his. “Nick.”

She looks at him, mouth parted, cheeks flushed. Her ribs are probably bruised, if not broken. Her hands are the only source of stability; every other part of him is shaking.

“You’re alright.”

Ellie breathes out a heavy sigh; it shakes like his legs quiver, and he has to kneel next to her. “I’m alright.”

-

Along with the DEA, they confiscate every last bit of cocaine from the warehouse, effectively crippling the crime family’s major source of money. Joey rats on every aspect of his uncle’s business for a shorter sentence. As the EMTs are wrapping her ribs up, Nick holds his hand up for Ellie to slap and says, “We took DiGiorno’s to prison!”

He offers her his arm and a ride home. She graciously accepts, and the smile is his, again, for now.

But he can’t not say anything now. She almost — she almost. There’s nothing else to say about that.

So Nick says, “So, you’re going home to Mark today? You got a hot date?”

He’ll get over that lump in his throat, that spike in his pulse eventually. She’s alive, and he’ll be fine.

He doesn’t expect her to start laughing, only to be interrupted by a wince and a tender hand on her left side. “Nick, who do you think Mark is?”

“Uh.” There’s a dark hole of miscalculation, the feeling of falling down the cliff of Being Wrong. “Your hot new date you kept texting over the past, like, five days?”

Nick rolls his eyes. “Stop laughing, you’ll make your ribs worse.”

“It’s — ” Ellie takes a deep breath and pulls out her phone. She scrolls, and Nick’s about to say something about not wanting to read her love letters to Mark when:

Auntie Ellie, thanks for my birthday gifts! I miss you so much.

The voice can’t be older than five, with a light stammer and a lisp. Nick takes his eyes off the road to gape at a boy with two missing front teeth, and his heart both soars and sinks. Someone honks behind them, and he steps on the gas pedal, startled that he’s stopped at a green light.

“Well.”

“He turned four last week, and my brother’s been letting him call or text me videos every day. They’re stuck in Oklahoma and they miss me.” He can hear her shrug, the fabric of her jacket rustling against the car’s leather seat, but he keeps his eyes on the road. “I haven’t been home in almost two years.”

“I’m sorry.” It punctuates the silence that follows, leaving them both speechless, wondering, wishing.

“Were you jealous?” Ellie whispers.

“Yes.” He can’t stop himself. Not anymore. Nick floors the brake and looks at his passenger’s seat, red light shining on her, everything else dark and unimaginably lonely. “Yes.”

Ellie nods, then smiles. “Okay.”

-

They arrive the next morning together. McGee smirks at his phone. Kasie’s eyes switch between them, back and forth, before she raises an eyebrow and glares at Nick, threatening and protective. Gibbs says nothing. Nick smiles the whole morning, because he still tastes her lipstick on his teeth and feels her hair in his fingers.

-

To: big wuss, 10:20

Congratulations. You aren’t a bigger wuss than Tony.

To: ninja lady, 10:25

ha. thanks

for everything, i mean, i guess.

To: big wuss, 10:26

You’re very welcome, Nicholas.

fin.

[cellsshapedlikestars]

How was the bachie final?

starts in a half hour, anon! THREE WHOLE HOURS.

You know what, I'm not gonna post this now. Gonna keep this in my drafts and answer in THREE HOURS because ABC is sadistic and hates me. Maybe I'll type some things as I go, because constantly texting my bach bff isn't enough.

Pre show prediction: it’s Blake. It has to be. Who else is it gonna be? JUSTIN? Fuckin JUSTIN? Justin, who’s only there because two guys she liked better dropped out?

(More Bachelorette nonsense below the cut cause I just kept typing in between eating pie, writing the next chapter of my fic, and texting the bach bff, but I also know no one really cares and I won’t bombard you with it)

They’re doing a recap of the season, this is unnecessary, this could have been two hours, not three

Watching Katie blame herself for Greg being a fuckbag is rough but the previews of her yelling at him is making it bearable.

Ok don’t let my previous comment make it sound like Justin sucks, Justin actually seems really cool, he just came out of literally NOWHERE. I didn’t even remember his name until he was final 3. Bach bff and I have decided that if he wins, the show would finally earn it’s “most dramatic season ever” boast.

Why is Tayshia so pretty. It’s unreal. I just want to look at her forever.

SHE BROKE THE I LOVE YOU RULE

How do we still have two hours? She just told Blake she loves him?? After saying she wasn’t going to tell anyone she loved them??? How DO WE STILL HAVE TWO HOURS LEFT.

Poor Justin. Yikeroos.

Man I really do have a kink for men crying. GIVE ME YOUR TEARS. GIVE ME YOUR FEELINGS.

This montage of Justin faces has me SCREAMING. I love him now. But Andrew! Andrew for Bachelor! I can’t lose focus! Justin can go on Paradise and find love there. He deserves it, poor bby.

This is boring now. We still have an hour and a half. I am dying.

omg this AUNT. I mean, she’s not wrong. but this is rough. ROUGH. I had to mute.

Ok I’ve changed my mind, this aunt is a bitch. I’m sorry, but she’s downright mean and rude to Blake. There’s a way to say the things she means without being horrible about it.

He’s handling this better than I would holy shit. If I were Blake I’d run tf away.

Wait there’s still an hour and twenty six minutes left.

(I found ants in my living room and missed the entire next section, whoops, but bach bff describes it as “what the fuck is this nightmare thing”)

(and now the cat keeps finding and trying to play with the bait traps I just put out does anyone want a cat? cat for sale.)

This proposal scene. It’s so windy lmao.

LOVING Tayshia’s suit. Sparkly. Black. Opened backed. Long sleeved. In the desert. How she’s not dying, I’ll never know. What a power move.

I’m bored at the proposal and there’s still an hour left. I’ve moved upstairs to watch on my laptop in bed and I’ve taken my contacts out.

Lmao, the money shot of that Neil Lane ring with his name dead center

They seem happy, I hope these crazy kids make it.

Oh good, greg’s here. He’s smiling and he does not seem to realize that this isn’t going to go well for him, if the previews are to be believed.

A CLEAR DISCONNECT, GREG? THAT DISCONNECT WAS YOU NOT LISTENING TO A SINGLE THING SHE SAID AND EXPECTING HER TO HAVE THE EXACT EMOTIONAL RESPONSE THAT *YOU* WANTED AFTER KNOWING HER FOR SIX WEEKS AND THEN COMPLETELY MAKING HER FEEL LIKE SHIT FOR BEING THE BACHELORETTE LIKE THIS IS THE SHOW YOU SIGNED UP FOR DEAL WITH IT

oof, ok sorry, watching women get emotionally manipulated on TV makes me HOT under the collar

“you found what you were looking for” does not excuse your shit GREG

katie GO OFF. Also those two ladies in the audience, I’m dying. I wish I could go back and screenshot their faces.

Is this gonna be the next half hour? Please get greg off my screen.

Ok, I had a WHOLE rant about greg and katie and twitter that I deleted, but I guess my point is: this is why I don’t go on twitter and somehow this show always ends up pissing me off.

BUT PARADISE!

[angst-in-space]

december ‘20 writing progress (and yearly wrap-up)

december progress:

words written: 15.2k

yearly total: 248.8k 

projects worked on:

- sylvix dreamscape fic - edited/posted the sylvix xmas fic, “where the love light gleams” - finished writing the altea rising recap - worked on a couple secret projects

december goals: - reach my yearly goal of writing 250k words....*sweats* (ok i didn’t quite get there but i’ll give myself credit cuz i was only like 200 words off) - finish/submit final draft of piece for long live zine - finish editing and publish the sylvix xmas fic! - finish/publish [redacted] and [redacted] - work some more on the sylvix dreamscape fic  - finish the altea rising recap summary (and....maybe work a little on chapter 19 if i have time)

notes:

well, december was....a very busy month. had kind of a hellish start to the month what with a health-related thing (not covid, don’t worry i’m fine dkfjdl) so that kinda sapped my energy for about a week. then ofc there was the holidays and everything. aaand on top of that i had like four writing deadlines (although like....two of them were postponed so that was good haha). 

but anyway! i did at least manage to finish a couple of things––mainly my sylvix christmas fic (“where the love light gleams”), finishing/submitting my “long live” zine piece, FINALLY finishing the altea rising recap summary ... and also finishing one secret thing that is not published yet, but it’s for a fandom i’ve never written before and i’ll be very excited to publish it once i can!

other than that, i mostly worked on the sylvix dreamscape fic and on a secret santa exchange fic that i still have not finished (we extended the deadline to end of january bc like...no one in the group had finished by end of december lol). 

i didn’t quite reach my goal of 250k words for the year, but i mean my initial goal was 150k and i only ended up being about 200 words shy of 250k SO i still think that’s a big win lol. 

as for what i’ll be working on next: top priority is finishing the secret santa fic. but i also hope to keep working on the sylvix dreamscape fic. aaand hoping to edit/publish the klance hotel au by the end of january maybe, since uh i finished a draft of it in november and STILL have not finished editing that so OOPS. and mayyybe will finally delve into finishing the last few chapters of altea rising, and maybe at least start editing chapter 15 but that’s pretty optimistic of me lmao.

2020 wrap up:

total words written: 248.8k most words written in a month: 50.1k (november) least words written in a month: 14.1k (march)

works completed:

- want your fire on me - i know a place we can run - illumination - cover my skin with your sunkissed light - where the love light gleams - klance hotel au (not published yet) - [secret project] (not published yet) - miles to go (my zine piece for “long live”, not published yet) other wips:  - sylvix dreamscape fic - altea rising - secret santa fic - planning my wlw YA sci-fi novel 

2020 goals:

- write every day - write at least 150k words - focus more on my multichaps  - finish altea rising - finish a couple of my kl standalone fics?? not sure which ones yet, but yeah! - finish galolio fic - write burning hearts piece - work on wangxian fic w jessie! - maybe start writing something original??

notes: 

all in all, a very productive year! there were some yearly goals i did not reach (i.e. finishing my old klance multichaps.....rip) but i mean, i also ended up getting involved in (and writing fic for) several other fandoms, so i couldn’t really have anticipated that at the beginning of the year. i’m really happy with the two sylvix fics i’ve published so far, and i hope to write a lot more for them this year! 

so yeah... i have a few big projects i want to tackle in 2021. firstly the sylvix dreamscape fic is...already over 30k and i’m estimating it’ll probably end up being a total of somewhere around 50k-60k so uh yeah that’s gonna be a big commitment lol. but i think i’m gonna do the same thing i did with “cover my skin...” and make it a chaptered fic. not sure when i will start posting it but i’m hoping ideally sometime in like late february or early march, depending on a few things. 

i have a few other sylvix fics i also hope to at least start writing sometime this year. one in particular i have had fully planned out for months but ironically have not started it yet even though it was the first sylvix fic idea i came up with... but yeah i might start that one after the dreamscape fic is done. i also have a couple aus that i might tackle, but they both need a lot more fleshing out before i even begin writing them so hmm we shall see. 

besides that... i do really honestly want to finish my klance multichaps even tho it’s been...over a year since i updated either of them and idk if anyone even gives a shit anymore but i’m a completionist at heart and just wanna see them through sooo yEAH. i have at least finished writing up a (very long) summary of everything i’ve written of altea rising so far, mostly to recap myself to make sure i tie up all the loose ends in the last few chapters. i did work a bit on actually writing it in 2020 although tbh i like kinda fell off the rails once i fell into fe3h/sylvix hell BUT i still intend to get back to it because i do still have a soft spot for it and want to finish it. and long story short, i’ve decided to divide up what i’ve written of the last part into like...5-ish chapters so yeah, hopefully i can start posting those at some point in the near future. ....and uhh i don’t think i worked on red skies at all in 2020 which makes me sad bc i still love that fic dearly and want to complete it as well, it just may take me a few months to get back to it but hey if i’m able to update it at all in 2021 that would be great haha.  another thing i’m hoping is to possibly open commissions in 2021, something i said i would do in 2020 and never did but....kinda wanna give it a try, especially because i am funemployed once again. :’) AND LASTLY...i’ve been planning an original wlw YA sci-fi novel for like two years and i would really love to start at least the first draft of it this year....that would be neat. 

so yeah this post is starting to get insanely long but i’ll just wrap up with my 2021 goals and january goals, and...yeah. 2020 sure was a weird year, here’s hoping 2021 is (at least..slightly...??) better. 

2021 goals: - write every day - write at least 150k words - finish the sylvix dreamscape fic - start on like 1 or 2 other sylvix multichaps...? - finish altea rising - work on red skies again - do some fic commissions - continue planning my novel and maybe start the first draft january goals:  - finish secret santa fic - publish [redacted] - work on sylvix dreamscape fic - edit klance hotel au (hopefully send to betas by end of month at least?) - maybe work on altea rising ch. 19

[professorspork]

today in the Andromeda Galaxy, I EXPERIENCED EXTREME EMOTIONAL DURESS

so, to recap, though I’ve said this before: i’m heartbroken and highkey dramatic over the fact that this game is making me choose between Jaal and Peebee when JAAL AND PEEBEE HAVE CRUSHES ON EACH OTHER AND I HAVE CRUSHES ON THEM AND THEY HAVE CRUSHES ON ME. like. this game came out in 2017, people had definitely heard of polyamory by then!!!

the thing about Peebee is that her whole “I’m a tough cookie, I don’t need anyone, don’t look at my actually because I tripped and expressed a feeling, no one’s ever been there for me like you” spiel is my kryptonite. but. the thing about Jaal is that we never should have met! we are aliens not just from different systems, but from across dark space. for Ryder to travel all this way, not knowing what she wanted from life, and then to meet this person who also felt directionless and unfulfilled... for them to meet each other, and go oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you everywhere. LIKE!!! that shit is so epic, and so thematically important to the way I’m playing my Ryder... I decided ages ago to romance Jaal this time around, but then stopped playing this game for like two weeks in part because it was Thanksgiving and I was busy, in part to focus on that kristanna WIP, but mostly-- MOSTLY!!-- because I knew I’d have to make the final choice, and Helen’s been torturing me by saying “wow you’re gonna break Peebee’s heart.”

the initial plan was to play Peebee’s loyalty mission and flirt with her more then, to get the most out of it, then lock in with Jaal, then do her last little scene.

things... did not go according to plan.

first I finished Cora’s loyalty bonus scene, where she accidentally quoted Hamilton a lot and we threw seeds into the air as though that’s what gardening is. that was really sweet. I took out the Kett outpost on Eos while we were there, and then Vetra told me about her prized ugly lamp she’s still looking for, and that was great. so I was like, great, let’s do Vetra’s close-out scene next!

READER, I MADE A MISTAKE

I was all set to be like ‘ha ha, I used the jump jets, I cheated’ and then Vetra reached for my hand and asked me is this real? about all the (EXTREMELY G-RATED) flirting I’d been doing and I had to say NO, I THOUGHT WE WERE PLAYING AROUND like some kind of MONSTER. I legit did not realize I’d flirted enough with Vetra that we’d have to have this conversation, and I was so traumatized by the whole ordeal i was like I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN FOLLOW THE PLAN

so I played it cool. I calmed down. I checked in on Avitus on the Nexus and did a toast with the other Pathfinders. I went to Elaaden and learned Dr. Aden was FAKING being Saelen to trick me, and we got Poc back. But then Peebee started ranting about how it had opened up the Kalinda wounds again and she still cares and this is what happens when you let people in, and oh no she’s letting me in, and despite The Plan I could not bring myself to flirt/sleep with her knowing the decision I’d already made

mortified at myself, I hightailed it to Havarl to lock in with Jaal. I WAS SO NERVOUS I FUMBLED THE CONTROLLER TRYING TO INTERRUPT TO HUG HIS MOM AND DIDN’T HUG HER. but like, I gotta say.... after all that build-up I’m kinda disappointed? not in Jaal, he was a perfect dork prince for every moment and he said I MAKE HIS HEART SING and told me how he took things apart as a kid (GEE WHO DOES THAT SOUND LIKE THAT I KNOW) and showed me his glow in the dark sticky star set. but the Ryder reactions and dialogue choices just felt extremely underwhelming-- like ‘yeah okay we might as well do this.’ THIS IS NOT A YEAH OKAY MIGHT AS WELL SORT OF LOVE STORY, BIOWARE, WTF. it killed me to watch Ryder be so blase about it after I’d agonized for literal weeks over how to do this. 

but I digress. it’s fine, and now his mom sends me cute emails and he calls me darling one when we part ways

with that done, I did the meat of Peebee’s loyalty mission, which was a lot of fun (but not quite as fun as Liam’s). the initial set-up with the hijacked pod (THE SAFETY BARS WON’T FIT OVER DRACK) was hilarious, and once again, like with Vetra’s and Jaal’s before that, I felt REAL FEAR over my interrupt choices. in this case, I chose to shoot Kalinda, because uh fuck her frankly she’s the bitch who broke Peebee’s heart and I won’t feel bad about it, she was an awful person and an abuser. but to hear Peebee be so torn up about it after... SHE TRIES SO HARD TO PUT ON A TOUGH COOKIE FRONT BUT SHE’S SUCH A SOFTIE. I CAN’T. I CANNOT. when she was like “now where will I sleep?” i was very sad to realize the flirt option, unavailable to me, probs would have been like “well my bed is free” and sadly none of the other options were “i’m sure Liam’s terrible, terrible couch is available.”  AND THEN SHE SENT ME AN EMAIL PROMISING TO BE MORE OF A TEAM PLAYER. friends i am so sad i cannot romance her too, i can’t emphasize that enough i really can’t. and I can’t even romance her next time because I’ve already decided my next Ryder is going to be a whiny pissbaby dude who can’t handle the pressure and that Ryder certainly will not deserve her

then I went to do a few errands on Kadara, and I brought Peebee and Jaal with me because of course I did, and they talked about whether or not asari and angarans can reproduce because SURE, WHY WOULDN’T THEY, THIS GAME HASN’T TORTURED ME ENOUGH. I wrapped up the Saelen storyline, and was actually torn for a hot second there over whether to arrest Aden or get his info-- but ultimately my Ryder’s too Just to let killing innocent people slide, even for kett intel. (pissbaby Ryder will def get it.)

and then Peebee was too embarrassed to tell me we’re friends face to face and made Poc do it, and then she called a FAMILY MEETING to say she’s PROUD AND HAPPY TO BE ONE OF US, and I had so many feelings I had to stop playing.

in conclusion: get fucked, romancing mechanic, i can’t believe you won’t let me resolve the world’s least conflict-ridden and most-compatible triangle with the polyamory we all deserve.

PLEASE GOD LET THERE BE ONE FIC OUT THERE. JUST ONE, THAT’S ALL I ASK, I WON’T BE GREEDY. PLS.

[justjeonday]

Solace | kim namjoon

Solace; comfort or consolation in a time of great distress or sadness.

- pairing: kim namjoon x reader

- genre: angst, fluff

- word count: 4,400

- warnings: reader fears what the future holds, very brief mentions of anxiety, includes descriptions of feelings/behaviour that might be associated with mild depression (the reader is only stuck in a rut in this fic and it’s nowhere near as critical as depression, but I still wanna be safe and warn about this in case it might be triggering for someone!)

- rating: PG

- notes: I’m excited to finally post on here again! I’ve had this idea for a while, but I haven’t had the time to work on it until now. I think I like how it turned out??  I’m not sure yet lol. I’ve been working on a few fics over the past few weeks, but I keep getting stuck and this is the only thing I’ve managed to finish since I last posted. Since I have a little more free time, due to the quarantine, I’ll hopefully be able to post some more soon! But for now, I hope you’ll enjoy reading this - thank you for all your support! <33 (this is still not completely edited btw so I apologize for any mistakes you might find)

- inspired by: this vlive.

- song: Solace by mell-ø & Ambulo

You stare blankly at the screen in front of you, eyes heavy and mind dull as the seconds count down for the next episode to start playing. This is all you’ve done since waking up, binge-watching some random kdrama you found online. It’s not great, and you’re not focused - but you figure it’s enough to keep you occupied for at least a few more hours. Enough to push most of your gloomy thoughts to the back of your mind.

You feel exhausted, the past four days mostly consisting of work and very few hours of sleep - plus added pressure and stress of having to keep up with studying during it all. Your arms ache from serving and cleaning up tables until late after midnight. After finishing up and closing the place, you’d go straight home to sleep - not having the energy to care for yourself. Then you’d wake up at noon, and have some breakfast before yet again making your way to work. Many people this time of year, during spring break, take vacations with their families so your boss needed you to put in more effort than usual to keep it all running smoothly. You’re grateful for the opportunity to make some extra money, but at this point it feels like you’re doing too much and your body isn’t willing to keep up anymore.

You feel overwhelmed - lost. Are your efforts even worth it when they’re not going towards something you want in the future? Thoughts like these have been weighing you down ever since you woke up, and you had decided it’d be best for you to call in sick and just be sad today. You had moved from the bed to your sofa, and here you’ve been laying ever since then. All the blinds in your apartment are down, no hint of sunlight peeking through - no trace of hope seeping in, no light capable of bringing color to your sombre day. 

You sigh as another episode starts playing, mind brought to the small recap that’s starts playing across the display. You try your best to pay attention to it in hopes of you actually starting to like it so that watching it won’t be so boring. You pull your covers up to your chin, basking in the scent of your boyfriend’s cologne stuck to his shirt you’re snuggled up in. It brings you comfort, soothes you and calms you - it makes you feel secure where you are.

You breathe it in, the longing feeling to hold your boyfriend intensifying as you do.

A sudden chime makes you jump slightly, eyes landing on the door as you sit up  - heart beating quickly in response to the unforeseen ringing disturbing the calm atmosphere in your apartment. You dread leaving the comfort you’re sofa is bringing you, but you feel impolite leaving whoever it is waiting. So you get up and mope over to the door, your body feeling heavier than usual, as if a force is pulling you to the ground.

With lethargy still clinging to you, you don’t bother looking through the peephole before unlocking and pulling the door open - wanting to get it over with and get back to hiding under your covers. Your eyes squint slightly at the sudden light leaking in from the hallway, but you instantly recognize the tall figure stood in front of you.

“Joon?” You gasp quietly, heart skipping a beat in surprise. 

His lips stretch into a smile, arms reaching out and inviting you into his embrace. Immediately you walk towards him, wrapping your own arms around his neck as his end up around your waist to pull you against him. You smile, face laying in the crook of his neck.

“Hi, baby,” He mumbles, a smile evident in his voice as he presses kisses against the exposed skin on your shoulder that’s peeking out through the collar of Namjoon’s oversized shirt you’re clad in.

“I missed you so much,” You say against his skin, voice strained from not uttering a word all day. You enjoy the presence of your boyfriend for a few more seconds before pulling away to look at him, “I thought you’d be gone until next week?” You utter, confused.

“Plans got cancelled,” He whispers, leaning forward to plant a kiss onto your nose - causing you to scrunch it as he does.

You smile in content as you look at him, eyes scanning over his face before unavoidably landing on the pink of his lips. You reach up and press your own lips against the corner of his mouth, before you change target and kiss him - your eyes fluttering close as you cherish the feeling of them against yours again. He kisses you back and you taste the rose lip balm coating his lips, the one he always has with him in his pocket. It makes you smile into the kiss and pull away, suddenly turning shy as you feel blood rush to your cheeks. You hide by his neck again, lips brushing over the mole just under his jaw.

You feel his chest vibrate against yours lightly as he chuckles at you, arms squeezing tighter around your waist. Your fingers start playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. He’s been growing it out for a few months now and the mullet is now very apparent - even more so than when he left. He dyed his hair a beautiful lilac shade not too long ago, and you love the way it looks on him. Nothing beats his natural dark brown hair, but somehow he manages to make every hair color look just as good and at this point you just can’t decide which one’s your favorite. He’s making it very difficult for you.

You walk backwards, making Namjoon follow you as you’re still secure in his arms. Once back in the darkness of your apartment you kick the door shut. You give your boyfriend a peck on the cheek before you pull away from him, letting him get comfortable and take off his shoes as you return to your sofa.

Namjoon, now that he’s able to focus on his surroundings, takes instant notice to the darkness that suffocates your apartment - and the messy sofa. If anyone knows you well, it’s him. After knowing each other for almost two years, he can read you like an open book without problem. One of the many things he’s come to learn is how much you hate wasting the light of day, and especially so during this time of year. You love spring, it’s your favorite time of the year and you always long for it whenever it isn’t current. He also knows that, if you’re not up and getting ready by 9 AM, you’ll most likely beat yourself up for it. However, on rare occasions, you’ll let yourself lay under the covers for another hour or so - but that's only if he’s there, laying next to you

Cuddling is something you simply can’t say no to.

Automatically, taking all these things into consideration, Namjoon starts to worry.

He kicks his sneakers off as his gaze follows you, watching as you fall down on the couch of which looks like it has been occupied all day. Your figure disappears under the cover, and he makes his way over to you. “Is everything alright?” He asks, a crease forming between his eyebrows.

You register his question but you don’t answer it, instead you reach your arms out and gesture for him to join you on the couch. His features soften and he manages to squeeze down next to you, despite the small space left to be occupied. Your leg comes out from under the covers to lay over his hip, holding him close to prevent him from falling to the floor.

You let your eyes shamelessly admire his face even though he’s aware, your fingers once again coming up to brush through his hair - strands of lavender running softly in between them as you do.

He lets his own gaze roam across your features, searching for any sign of anxiety or sorrow. “Hey,” he says, bringing your attention back to his previously asked question.

“Everything’s fine now that you’re here, don’t worry Joon,” you mumble, your focus still on his hair.

Namjoon doesn’t fall for your excuse. Grabbing your wrist softly, he removes your hand out of his hair and lays it over his chest, making you look at him. “Please talk to me.”

You sigh, avoiding his gaze as you attempt to sugarcoat what’s really going on. “Work’s just been really tough, it’s not that serious.”

You always feel bad complaining about work, or sharing the weight of your problems with Namjoon. You know how tough his job is compared to yours, and his schedule is never really empty. You know he loves what he does more than everything, but you’ve seen how hard it can get as well. So compared to your job, you realize the hours you put in are minimal next to the amount of time he dedicates to his job. Complaining just doesn’t feel right.

“You really underestimate me,” He sighs, eyebrows raised at you. “I can tell it’s not just work, it’s almost five in the afternoon and you’re still laying on the couch with my shirt on - you only do that when you’re feeling really low.”

You give up, accepting the fact he can see right through you no matter how hard you resist to let it show. “My head just feels kind of crowded,” you start. “I feel like there’s so many thoughts in my head, and I can’t organize or figure any of them out. I feel lost, I have no idea what the future holds and that’s fine - but I don’t even have a vision of what I want it to hold. I’m just not sure I’m walking down the right path.”

With Namjoon being back next to you, you certainly feel better - but still, it doesn’t remove any of your worries. You wait for a response, but a few seconds go by and there's still just silence. You look up to meet your boyfriend’s gaze, his eyes showing empathy as he looks back at you.

Without a word, he slips out of your embrace before he gets up and walks over to your windows. Before you know it, he pulls one of your blinds up. The sun shines straight in your face, making you quickly seek cover under the pillow next to you. As you hide, you hear Namjoon proceed to pull every blind up, the room becoming even brighter as he does. After he’s done you hear his footsteps close in on you, and suddenly he rids you of your shield - leaving you exposed to the blinding rays of light that are now touching every possible surface in your living room. Your hands come up to cover your eyes, groaning. 

He gathers all your blankets and pillows you’ve taken from your bedroom before disappearing to put them back where they belong. Even with the low state you're in, you feel appreciation and adoration causing tickles in your belly. He always does this, always makes it his priority to bring you up when you're down. You find it endearing, how dedicated he gets - and lucky to say the least.

“What are you doing?” You ask out into the open, Namjoon still fixing your bed in the other room.

“I’m taking you somewhere,” says your boyfriend, walking into the room again.

You furrow your eyebrows, eyes finally adjusting to the light as you stretch - limbs splayed across the couch. “And where may that be, Mr. I’m On A Mission?” 

He snickers at the name, reaching his hand out for you to take. “You’ll find out once we get there.” He pulls you up from the sofa, making you stand before him. “Go put something warm on, the sun’s really nice but it’s still quite chilly,” he says.

Your heart flutters at his sweet gestures. Having been with Namjoon for such a long time, you’d expect the flutters to fade and his gestures losing impact along with them. But it’s all still there, just like when you first fell for him. Your heart still flutters at the dimples in which appear when he smiles, and at how his eyes turn into crescent moons as he laughs - how he shows affection but then becomes shy after. You’ve realized it’s those small things you usually wouldn’t think to pay attention to, but to you they all still cause butterflies to swarm in the pit of your stomach, and you swear you fall in love with him over and over again every time.

You still feel a force pulling you to the ground as you make your way to your closet, but not as intense as it was before Namjoon showed up at your doorstep. You’re still having to push thoughts back, still have to prevent them from getting the best of you. Knowing you have Namjoon with you, and knowing he’ll listen if you’ll talk about it, does bring you comfort. You’re well aware he isn’t capable of helping rid of these thoughts in your head, as he can’t assure you what the future holds or what path you should go down so it all works out - no one can. But still, you’re more than grateful because you’re certain he’ll be the one to at least make you feel better about things, and keep you from giving up.

You grab a lounge set from your drawer and slip onto it, the soft fabric fitting loosely over your body just like how you want it - only really seeking for comfort. Taking Namjoon’s words into consideration, you also make sure to grab a warm coat from your closet before heading back to the living room.

You find your boyfriend sitting on the edge of the couch with rays of light reaching him, a golden aura forming around his figure, making him look like a fallen angel from heaven. And thinking about it, you’re convinced he is one. Where would you be without him? 

You take a moment to enjoy the magical sight, your fingertips starting to tingle as you get an urge to skim them over his beautiful golden skin. Namjoon looks up, catching you as you eye him with a small smile on your lips.

He chuckles. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” you mumble, walking up to him.

He stands up, arms capturing you in a hug once again. Your cheek ends up pressed against the soft fabric of his sweater, the scent of his favorite cologne stuck to it, making you breathe it in and relax against him.  

“You look cozy,” he comments, pulling away to look you up and down.

You mumble a quiet thank you, your hands finding his and intertwining your fingers.

“Ready?” He asks.

Your nod doesn’t come off too assuring, making him laugh as the both of you slip your shoes on. Namjoon grabs his coat and with that you make your way out of your apartment, your hands interlocking again as you do. You exit your apartment complex and brisk air surrounds you, causing you to shudder and walk closer to Namjoon as you search for any source of warmth. The two of you stop at the side of the curb as your eyes search for your cab that has yet to arrive, the sun now hitting you and warming you up slightly.

As you wait you turn to eye your boyfriend, love swelling in your chest.

“You look really handsome today,” You say through a smile, eyes meeting his.

You hadn’t seen him in this particular outfit before, but he pulls it off really well. He’s clad in a denim on denim outfit, with a jean coat that reaches all the way to his calves. You’re not surprised it looks amazing on him, everything does.

“Thank you,” he says, cheeks rubescent as his eyes scan over his own body before looking at you and squeezing your hand in his.

You lean into him, nose scrunching at his adorable shy behaviour. Getting the sudden urge to peck him, you get up on your toes and press your lips to the dimple that dents his cheek. He pulls you into his side, hand laying on your hip. As you pull away your attention turns to the black car pulling up in front of you. Namjoon steps forward and opens the door and beckons for you to get in before him, being the gentleman that he is. You climb into the car, moving over so your boyfriend can get in next to you. He sits down and closes the door before reaching into his pocket and grabbing his phone, leaning over to show the driver where he wants to go. Gazing over, you try to catch a glimpse of anything that might reveal what location you’re going to but you manage to get nothing.

“No peeking, baby,” He teases as he puts his phone back in his pocket.

You pout, giving him pleading eyes.

He laughs, his hand coming to lay just above your knee before squeezing lightly. “Be patient.”

You let out a chuckle at your own childish behaviour, laying your hands on top of his before turning to look out at the surroundings as they flash by in a blur. As the driver takes you through Seoul, you find your mind wandering again as thoughts start filling your head. To distract yourself you turn to your boyfriend and ask him about his recent work trip.

Before you know it, the car comes to a stop and with cheeks still aching from a joke Namjoon whispered to you just seconds ago you watch him get out of the car. He holds the door open for you, a grin still on his face as you get out - the adorable indents in his cheeks once again appearing. You always get an urge to kiss them, but if you’d act on it every time that’s all you’d do.

Once you’re out of the car, you glance at the scenery of which you’re very familiar with, and which you’ve come to love and appreciate since being with Namjoon. One thing you learned very early on about him is how much he loves and treasures nature. You didn’t really see the point before, especially since you live in such a big city you don’t really think of it that much. On your own, before meeting him, you’d never think to go to a park just to relax. But now you’ve really learned to appreciate it and the healing powers it holds, something Namjoon also taught you.

“You took me to Hangang Park?” You say, a tinge of excitement in your voice as your eyes take in the beautiful view of the setting sun reflecting in the river.

Namjoon looks at you lovingly as you view the location. Hangang park isn’t away from any civilization, there’s still skyscrapers in view and it’s crowded. It’s not what you consider a traditional park, there’s not grass everywhere you look or trees surrounding you. There are platforms in stone and bigger patches of grass scattered around evenly. Even though it might not be the most green park, something about it brings you more comfort than others do. You think it might be the combination of city and nature, since you’ve lived in Seoul your whole life you’re used to tall buildings and city lights - all that comes with it. And with what Namjoon has taught you about nature, and how you’ve become someone who appreciates that setting as well, you really feel at home when you’re at Hangang Park. 

You said this to your boyfriend when you came here with him for the first time, and that’s probably his reason for choosing this specific location. It makes you feel warm inside, happy he takes all these things and uses them to make you feel relaxed and calm when you need it.

Namjoon comes up behind you and lays a hand over the small of your back, the two of you starting to walk slowly closer to the river. The sunset induces beautiful hues of orange and pink to paint over the blue sky, making the world around you breathtakingly beautiful. You feel some of the weight slowly ease off of your shoulders, and you feel as if you’re finally able to inhale and exhale deeply with ease. The both of you walk over to one of the grass-patches by the river, sitting down on it with shoulders touching and fingers intertwined.

You sit like that in silence for a few minutes, and you sense Namjoon knows you need to just be for a while. You enjoy the feeling of him next to you, his presence as the both of you watch the sky and its reflection in the body of water before you. Surrounding you, there are groups of friends, couples, families, also enjoying the wonderful time of day. The atmosphere around you is happy and tranquil, in contrast to your dark apartment you’d locked yourself in earlier.

“It’s beautiful,” you mumble, laying your head on Namjoon’s shoulder as you watch the hues of the horizon fade into the light blue above you.

A few more minutes of comfortable silence pass by, before he brings his attention to you.

He brings your interlocked hands up to plant a kiss on your knuckles. “Let it out.”

You look up at him, your response lazy, “Hmm?”

“Whatever you’re holding in, whatever’s bothering you. It won’t do any good for you to keep it in.”

You exhale, resting your head against his shoulder again as your eyes return to the skyline. “I’m feeling overwhelmed, and every thought that has entered my mind I’ve been overthinking for no reason. I feel like I’ve gone down this path that I’m now stuck on and I can’t see any lanes or exits for me to lead me in another direction. There’s so many outcomes that could occur if, when the opportunity comes, I choose to walk another way - so many things that could go wrong.” You stop, fingers of your free hand coming to fiddle with the cool metal of his rings as you think of what to say next. “I feel like I’m putting in a lot of effort to do good at work and with studying, but it doesn’t feel worth it when I’m not sure the hard work I’m putting in is doing anything for my future.” You look down at your hands as you feel the familiar lump of anxiety form in the back of your throat.

“It’s normal to have thoughts, and to overthink them. I’ve been where you are right now, and I get you. It’s normal to worry about the future, everyone does - because it’s full of uncertainty and you can never really know what to expect or what it’ll turn into as time passes.” He pauses, and his words bring you comfort - knowing you’re not completely alone in feeling like this. “Someone told me once to think of my mind as a tree, and of my thoughts as branches. For these branches to grow, you’ll have to experience a lot of different things - hurtful things, things that’ll anger and confuse you along with happy and hopeful things. Your mind consists of so many of these branches, there’s happiness, pain, hope, desperation, devastation - everything.” He speaks, hand coming up from time to time in front of him to gesticulate.

You listen carefully to his words as your eyes follow pastel clouds that float across the sky. You’ve always loved how self-aware Namjoon is, you’ve come to think of it as one of his most beautiful traits - one that you really adore. He’s always stayed true to himself, no matter what. He recognizes his mistakes and faults so that he can better them and become someone who’s greater than the person he was the day before. You wish you can be that one day, as good of a person as he is. He always tries to be the best version of himself.

“You’ll need to prune and cut them to take care of the tree, to care for your mind and for it to keep growing beautifully. The hurt will be unavoidable, but you’ll have to make these choices so you can continue to grow and blossom. These thoughts and feelings you’re currently feeling, try to think of them as branches of your young days, as branches of a young tree. When you’ve experienced all of the hurt, the grief, the happiness, the love - you’ll be a beautiful tree, the most beautiful tree.” He says. “I know you’ll be,” He turns to search for your gaze, wanting you to see and notice the sincerity of his words.

Your eyes meet his, inside of which sunsets of their own exist as the sky reflects in them. You feel the force that’s been pulling you down fade, and you feel yourself tearing up as you look at the man in front of you, whom you cherish most out of anything. You realize how blessed you are to have met someone like him, someone with a precious soul like his own.

“Thank you,” you whisper, feeling yourself starting to tear up.

Slightly embarrassed, you look away but you feel Namjoon’s finger nudge lightly at the underside of your chin - making your eyes meet his again. “No need to thank me baby,” He says softly, wiping your a few tears that escaped with the pads of his thumbs “I just want you to be okay, that’s all that matters.”

The love you feel for him spreads like a wildfire through your body. “I love you so much,” you say, eyes still looking into his.

A smile grows on his lips as he looks at you. “Come here,” he mumbles, hand reaching to the backside of your thigh.

He pulls your leg over both of his, so that you end up straddling his thighs before his arms snake around your waist to pull you into him. You embrace him by putting your arms around his neck and pressing your cheek against his. With your body now filled with relief and comfort, you find yourself wishing you could stay like this forever - keep him this close forever.

“I love you too,” He whispers in your ear.

The future remains a mystery, something you’ll never be sure of.

But in this moment, what you’re completely certain of, is your everlasting love for the man in your arms.

He’s your everything.

He’s your start and your end.

He’s your Solace.