#once again reminded that my autism is in fact disabling

[just-a-cinnamon-bun]

Guess who had a ✨ meltdown✨ today

[cutiepieautistic]

It is once again,so frustrating but also hilarious in hindsight how people were insisting i,a very, very very obviously level 2 autistic woman wasn't autistic before I was diagnosed first at 12 because they only knew autism by their misconceptions it even though I literally had all of the stereotypical symptoms except for the fact that I hit my goals super early when I was an infant,but that's just because I'm an overachiever,I've always been very willpowered and extraordinarily curious and deeply intelligent and resourceful,so I progressed along very fast for the first 2 years,then once I hit 3 things slowed down and the signs/symptoms/traits of my autism and other disabilities became more apparent.

Anyhow,that reminds me of how a boy I was close friends with(perhaps literally too close.) Was diagnosed with aspergers(a now outdated diagnosis that professionals who actually know their shit about autism don't use around here anymore) because back then level 1 or mild autism was viewed as "diet autism" or "autism lite" and completely separate from the other levels,despite the fact that he was quite literally very clearly level 2 AT least. Also,I had a so claimed psychiatrist tell me that I don't have autism,I have asperger's even though I'm very,very much not mildly autistic.

I have medium to high support needs and more intense symptoms than level 1 autistics,I'm clearly struggling and can't be on my own.

And then she told me people with asperger's can't have adhd and all my other conditions because you can't have comorbidities except for bipolar,"maybe." What a load of total bull. It seems people can be so oblivious about us,still....

[solar--system]

⚠️Vent Warning⚠️

I keep being reminded of a toxic relationship and I want to get everything off my chest about it. I finally have all the memories pieced together. Something’s mentioned will be triggering.

We used to have an IRL friend with DID. They are actually what caused us to realize we had DID. We used to live together. I got kicked out by my parents and moved in with them. We did everything together. But in the end something changed. We both had our own issues going on, considering both of our disorders, as well as depression, autism, anxiety, the stress of relationships and jobs. It didn’t help that our old host, Quinn, struggled with talking about his problems, with setting boundaries. We’re still learning how to do that, and it’s a real struggle. Our boundaries felt foolish to Quinn. He brought them up as suggestions, not bothering to protest when boundaries were broken. He only considered the issue a minor thing and would move on with life, until it happened again. And again and again and again. In his defense he tried to lay out the boundary better. But new reasons came up to push back against our boundary.

“I’m not feeling well.” “I didn’t take my meds.” “I’m dissociated.” “My tics are acting up.”

And how can you argue against any of that. Our boundaries were broken because of another person’s disability. We just had to accept that, and do what we could. But what could we do?

Here Aspen came into play. If we help our friend manage their disabilities better, then we could focus on managing our own. For a couple of months Aspen played caretaker for our friend. Not that the friend asked for us tot ale care of them, but they didn’t complain when the nightly reminders of meds began. When they came home to a clean and organized room. When their laundry was folded and put away. There were two instances that caused our friend to be unhappy with our caretaking.

1. When it required them to stop playing a game, watching a movie, laying in bed. Often times this would be when Aspen would remind them to shower, eat, take meds, drink water. Although it occasionally would come up with less important things, plans we had made together or with friends, playing with our pets, removing their demon cat from my path.

2. Anytime cleaning was brought up. Aspen was allowed to clean to pups heart content. But if pup ever suggested our friend pitch in, an argument would begin.

While Aspen began fronting more to help take care of our friend, James also started fronting more, although he locked our emotions down after we’d gotten stressed to the point of breaking down. James no longer liked our friend. He didn’t mask that fact very well. We hadn’t figured out we were a system at the time. When Quinn would front all he would know is that he wasn’t happy with the relationship we had with our friend. Between a budding hatred, the overwhelming need to take care of our friend, and the heartbreaking desire to keep this friendship.

The arguments grew more frequent. Friendly chats became short, the distance between us grew, and although we lived together we found ways to hang out with people without one another.

I’m sure it didn’t help when the friends we found outside of one another were getting over a bad breakup, so I’d hang out with my new friend and hear about all the shitty things their friend did or said, only to come home to find our old friend hanging out with them. We didn’t know how or if we should broach their hangout time. It became more unclear when we began speculating that they discussed us on occasion. Our old friend had shooed us away from their conversation once, after hearing a bit talking about our relationship. We decided we didn’t want to listen in again. Feeling hated by our old friend, and an ex friend who we weren’t quite sure how we felt about.

We had stopped having our own interests while we lived with this friend. Everything we did we did together, and more often then not it was stuff our friend liked to do. Sometimes because that’s what they decided, others because we couldn’t decide. We’d listen to them rant about special interests we didn’t care about. Play games, watch videos, do crafts, or go out based on what they wanted to do. So when the distance appeared, that was the first thing James took back.

We began watching our own shows and videos, playing our own games, going out on our own time. Having a special interest helped. We had something to focus on, intensely focus on, besides our relationship with our friend. But still we weren’t happy. The boundaries just kept getting broken, and at this point Quinn had stopped voicing his protest.

Eventually we decided to move out. The plan was to move out of state with family. To start over again, but before we could manage that we had to move in with another relative in state. We packed up our things, after discussing it with our friend, and left. That was about two years ago now. I’ve only messaged/been messaged by that friend twice since I left.

Quinn isn’t huge on ministry possessions, but he does appreciate being remembered, so when his birthday came and went, and a couple days passed with no word from our friend, who had seemed alright with our leaving, it upset Quinn. And that feeling festered inside of us until a couple days later when our friend reached out to check in on us. We never responded.

This move caused us to pull away from our entire friend group. People who were once a quick drive away now felt countries away. We didn’t want to make them choose between us and our friend, so instead we stepped away. Only to find that our friend planned to move to out of state. Before we knew it they were gone, and we had decided to stay. Life with this relative wasn’t fun or easy. The good days were great. The bad days were awful, and most days would find themselves somewhere along that spectrum. More often then not meeting the awful end. Domestic abuse, animal abuse, insults, rage, death threats, coercion and peer pressure. We was offered alcohol, weed, and other drugs, some of which we took, others we refused. This is where we learned of our system.

We lived like this for the better part of a year before we needed an escape. We reached out to our old friend group, worried that we would be blamed for the sudden move of our old friend. But thankfully we were welcomed back with open arms. And after a drunk and tearful conversation with the friend who had been closest to me and our old friend, we sent out a message to our old friend. Saying that we should try talking again.

The response we got from our friend was that we needed to apologize to them if we wanted them to even consider letting us back in their life. This frustrated us. We didn’t think we had done anything wrong, but wanting to be the bigger person, we apologized. Saying that we were sorry for how thing got towards the end. That neither of us were happy and it shouldn’t have ended that way. And that we were sorry. It wasn’t enough though, and we are to filled with pride to apologize twice for something we don’t believe in. And that was the last time we spoke.

That was over a year ago now but occasionally this friend comes to mind. We went through a lot together. I miss them. And I hate them. And I love them. I blame myself for a lot of it, and I hope that comes across. There were many things that could’ve been done differently. Maybe if we said something here or did something there things would’ve been better. I can’t convince myself that they hurt me, because there will always be a part of us that believes we are completely at fault. That we should’ve apologized for more. That we twist the way situations happen in our head to make ourselves the victim.

We’re so scared of that idea that we’d rather become the problem. So we didn’t say anything. To our friends, our family, hell, most of the system didn’t know the full story until now.

Occasionally we’d check up on our old friend through social media. They seemed happy. Which both infuriated and broke us. Tormented by questions of why they got to be happy, while we were still depressed? Why they were so happy without us? It wasn’t often that we checked up on them. Only when we wanted to feel that heartbreak again. Remind ourselves that people can be happier without us in their lives.

Quinn went dormant not long after. He hasn’t fronted in over a year. It was hard for us to adapt. No one wanted to be host, or was successful at being host, so we fronted when we were needed. Some alters fronted longer than others, maybe days at a time, but then they wouldn’t front again for another couple of days, a week if lucky. Overtime new alters formed, believing themselves to be the new host, but each time they’d wind up fronting for a period only to switch out for longer. House is the first host we’ve had in a year.

I keep thinking about our old friend because our friend group has a new friend who looks very similar. Recently we noticed this friend is closer to the friends our old friend was closer too. Old friends best friend besides me is new friends best friend. And just once in a while they’ll appear on my socials my heart will stop… Because I think it’s my old friend and I don’t know what I feel in this moment but I’m pretty sure it can be summed up as panic.

I love you. I miss you. I hate you. I wish we’d never met. I hated you for how you needed me. How you loved me. I was scared you’d give up, you’d die if I left, because that’s what you’d told me long before our relationship became like this. And now you’re better off without me… I hate you. I miss you.

I don’t know if I’d want to talk with them again. To be a part of their life, or have them as a part of ours. But there’s also a part of me that hopes they read this and recognize me. That we can fix what we had an make things better. I don’t know if I’d even give it the chance.

I hate the panic we get from thinking of you, when memories of you resurface in my everyday life. I hate the way my heart drops and my blood runs cold. I hate the ache of know it’s not you and that you don’t think of me anymore. I hate the way you make me feel. Yet I miss you.

I got kind of blurry while writing this, so I’m not sure if it all makes sense or if things are phrased weird. I’m not sure if this is all feeling or if some of it is writing just to fill in space. We might read it some day. When we think of our friend again. Not today at least. Today it hurts too much.

[celeste-clearwater-06]

Hello! I was wondering if you could please write something about how the Fellowship (+ Thorin?) Would help a s/o who's Disabled and Chronically ill. Like she has a lot of symptoms like chronic pain, chronic fatigue, difficulty sleeping, difficulty breathing at times, difficulty walking at times, higher sensitivity to the cold, difficulty talking at times, and anxiety, depression and executive dysfunction?

I've been really struggling with my chronic illnesses lately, namely my Autism, Anxiety, Sleep Apnea, a really bad Overbite, Raynaud's Syndrome, Asthma, etc, so I'd really appreciate an Imagine like this. I have a really weird disorder where one of my legs is longer than the other, and it's been causing me a lot of pain and difficulty walking lately, and people have been bullying me for it a lot too, so I could really use a Comfort Imagine right now. Thanks so much hun!!

It's no problem! I'm glad I can provide some comfort!! For each character, I'll use a specific struggling area, to make it a bit easier!! I hope I got these accurate enough, and of there are any mistakes, feel free to point them out!! You are strong, beautiful and so, so amazing!! Keep being you!! ❤❤

Help (The Fellowship// Thorin x Fem!Reader)

Aragorn (Autism)

Aragorn has known you for a long time, so helping with your autism is not new for him

He's particularly experienced in reading your emotions and meeting your needs, whether it's helping you out of stressful situations or calming you down, he's there 🥺

If there are large and boisterous gatherings in Rivendell, its almost guaranteed that you can become over-stimulated quickly, and Aragorn immediately senses this (spidey senses õoõ)

He's fast to find your hand and give it a gentle squeeze of reassurance

If that doesn't seem to help, he'll instantly stop what he's doing and take you out of the room

If you're someone who prefers lots of space and little physical contact, he is 100% respectful of this and asks if you'll let him touch or hug you (very much gentleman 😌)

If ever you're confronted by someone of importance, Aragorn is right by your side to ease some of the tension

Sometimes there are things you find difficult to say or get out of your system

The king seems to know exactly what it is and will help you out by saying it or asking you simple questions that you can easily answer

And he always reminds you, no matter WHAT

YOU ARE NOT STUPID 😤😡

You may struggle with some parts of your life, but every day, he's constantly telling you that you're very intelligent and kind

His patience is unending and he'll never let you think down on yourself

Overall, Aragorn is always someone and reminding you that it's all going to be okay ❤❤

Legolas (Anxiety)

Most nights, Legolas keeps watch (since elves don't require much sleep) and notices that you jolt awake out of the random

Now, most of the Fellowship notices that you're usually awake and ready to go before anyone else

But Legolas is really the one to address you first

You were a bit nervous to explain, since you didn't want to worry him or the great of the fellowship, amount the other disadvantages you have

He gently encouraged you, and finally, you explained to him your sleep apnea

Yeah, he was very concerned

I mean, his blue eyes widened with terror when you told him that you could basically die in your sleep if you weren't attentive enough 🙃

Legolas, from now on, sleeps directly next to you, or keeps extra careful watch over you at night

Because he could NEVER see his precious mortal friend become injured... Or worse 🥺🥺❤

The other members had noticed a change in his behaviors towards you as well...

Gimli teased him whenever he caught Legolas giving you some extra lembas bread or offered to carry you 👉👈

You really tried to assure Legolas that it wasn't a big deal when you were awake, since you're aware of your breathing situation

But still 😤

Legolas will always bring you comfort and take great care of you, and that will NEVER CHANGE

Because he loves you very much ❤🦋

Frodo (Anxiety)

Frodo is familiar with the feeling of great anxiety, seeing he had a stress-free life while living in the Shire and suddenly was forced to carry a piece of jewelry all the way to giant ass volcano

It's easy for you two to comfort each other and seek refuge in thoughts and feelings ❤

He's not super comfortable with the thought of you having a panic attack though...

Only because he's never had one

It starts to give him a panic attack whenever you have one around him the first time 😳-

Any time you begin to breathe heavy or hyperventilate, halfling boy is hot at your heels, rubbing your back and reminding you to breathe gently

(So many hugs, if you're up for it)

After you calm down, he's constantly checking on you, asking if you need anything etc.

Really, he just wants to know if he can help 🥺

And even with the weight and stress of carrying the ring, Frodo manages to cheer you up somehow

Samwise (Asthma)

Sam has never had to deal with asthma once in his life

He's very nervous when the subject is brought, afraid it might trigger something inside of you 🥺👉👈

But you just chuckle, assure him that it's alright, and you have ways of keeping it under control

And now, he wants to know everything about it, just to have the awareness in case something happens

Sam just wants to protect you forever, and this was a great way for him to start

He constantly reminds Aragorn that you'll need breathing breaks and will convince Gandalf to let you ride on his horse

He'll scold Pip and Merry if they are trying to drag you around and be silly, because as he says

"You'll rouse him/her/them up! We can't have Y/N gettin injured!" 🤨😠

Sam is MOM

As always, he's very kind and always makes sure your needs are met ❤🥺

Pippin and Merry (Raynaud's Syndrome)

Very confused halfings 🤔

Also extremely concerned!

You were eating one of the lesser pleasurable nights

It was cold and rainy, and a fire couldn't be started, not to mention the quiet arguments of Aragorn and Gandalf in the nearby woods

And Pip's eyes widened when he saw the tips of your petite fingers begin to pale upon hearing Aragorn mention Orcs

"What's wrong with your hands?!" He squeaked, pointing towards your now white-colored fingertips

You hadn't even noticed, nor felt, considering they were numb anyways

Merry looked over his cousin's shoulder and his eyes also widened, not with fright, but wonder

They were both fascinated with your condition, convinced that you were casting some spell Gandalf showed you

Although you reassured them it was just an extremely frustrating inconvenience that you had, among other things

So from then on, the disastrobus duo did their best to keep you out of the cold (and stressful situations!!)

As a distraction, the pair will tell you great stories of the shire, doing little dances and skits that always cheer you up 🥴

Sometimes, they can be a little rambunctious though...

Merry will pick up on this fact quickly, and nudge Pippin to get him to calm down

Even though it may not feel the best

They find your syndrome absolutely fascinating!! 🤔🤔

All in all, these two are always up for keeping your beautiful smile on your face and your spirits high!! ❤🌺

Boromir (Depression)

Throughout the journey, Boromir has always found an easy way to make you smile

After all, he himself has a fascinating way of brightening anyone's spirits

Yours included ❤

Boromir may not have great stories from The Shire, like Pip and Merry, but he sure has a lot of positive things to say

He'll often suggest sparring with the two troublemaking halflings, just so you can see him goof up and get knocked over 🥺

If the nights become cold and weary, he'll give you a warm hug or a nudge on the shoulder

And a few words of helpful encouragement along the lines of;

"Don't fret Y/N. You have more strength than you'll ever know."

"Let our spirits never dampen! We've come this far!" 😊

He's also an incredible listener

Boromir wants to hear what you have to say if you ever need to rant or get something off of your chest

And don't think for a second that he would ever judge you 😤

Son of Gondor sees past all of your insecurities and knows you for your beautiful, amazing self ❤❤

Gimli (Walking disadvantages)

As you travel across great plains and mountains, your limp doesn't go unnoticed by Gimli

It may take him a while to open up about it, since he's afraid he might offend you in some way

And once he asks you, you inform him that it's a difficulty that unfortunately cannot be changed any time soon

And where you come from, lots of people tease and bully you about it

He did NOT handle it well 😳

"wHAT BLUBBERING DULL-MINDED PIGNUTS-" 🤬

Although this Dwarf is short and a bit slow at times

He's fascinatingly strong 😳

And so, he makes it his duty to be your designated carrier 🥺

At first, your a tad skeptical...

I mean, he's only around 4 feet tall...

BUT HAVE YOU SEEN HIM THROW THAT HUGE AX AROUND?!

Gimli will happily carry you great distances when you need a break, and even longer

(Sometimes it's just to show off around the others-)

"Gimli, are you sure you don't want a break?"

"Aye lass! The strength of Dwarves is unending!" 😌

*struggling to breathe*

11/10, fantastic dwarf, will never let you down!!

Thorin (Executive Dysfunction)

Another Dwarf??

Absolutely

Thorin himself has trouble keeping composure with his time management (and sense of direction 🙄)

This means that he'll have an undying amount of patience for you and you only

There's just something about you that he fond of, and it fills in that little sassy, brooding place in his heart

Can also relate to you whenever you grow frustrated at the setback of your journey or lack of sleep

Is 100% willing to help you find your lost belongings (and once again, ONLY YOU)

Thorin will literally make the whole traveling party stop so that you can put something in your bag and make sure that you put it somewhere you'll remember

Always happy to give you extra gentle reminders of keeping your pack closed

The company is utterly SHOCKED with how he treats you

I mean, this man has always been extremely stubborn and hard headed

But when you show up, it's another person he can easily relate and share frustrations with

Also a master at organization?!? 🤔

The one thing he could do successfully was organizing the damn journey and traveling company, so ofc he's gonna be good at that 😂

Yeah, Thorin definitely has a soft spot for you

King under the mountain will never run out of patience and kindness for you 😌💙

Sorry these took so long!! I hope you like them!! ❤❤

[edwardelricsrightarm]

"A lesson without pain is meaningless. For you cannot gain anything without sacrificing something else in return, but once you have overcome it and made it your own...you will gain an irreplaceable fullmetal heart." - Edward Elric

In honor of disability month and the FMA 20 year anniversary I wanted to address some Thoughts™️ about the series.

It's not often you see a disabled protagonist in media where their disability is integral to the story without taking up their entire character, even more so with anime. Yet, Fullmetal Alchemist has not just one disabled Protagonist, but two. The Elric Brothers are an exemplary representation of disability in media that I find myself reflecting on often as a disabled person myself. If you haven't completed the manga or Brotherhood, skip this as it will be brimming with spoilers.

(Mangahood will be my point of reference because while 03 is good on its own merits it's not as fresh within my immediate memory, and I am far less familiar with it. Keep this in mind, I've watched FMAB 10 and a half times whereas I've finished 03 only once years ago.)

The story highlights their disabilities immediately, Edward being a double amputee and Alphonse being without his ENTIRE body, only having the senses of proprioception, sight, and hearing left. Yet, despite this being key to the story and an integral part of their characterization, it is only one facet of their motivations and doesn't take center in the narrative, which is refreshing. It's not inherently negative to make a narrative centered on the characters' disabilities, but often this model of a story goes very wrong very fast and starts to feel hollow (no pun intended). FMA avoids this by making their disabilities a clear part of the plot and their motivations without allowing it to consume the entire story, so the Elric Brothers don't suffer the "my disability is all of my character" problem that many disabled characters are relegated to in a vast portion of media, all while being strong and competent.

Recap:

The brothers wished to revive their mother, but their good intentions cannot change the atrocity of their mistake, Truth makes this abundantly clear from the start. Edward loses his leg first, a punishment for "stepping" into God's shoes and transgressing the place of humans in their world. Alphonse loses his entire body, unable to feel any warmth or simple comforts like food and rest, when all he wanted was to feel the warmth and comfort of his mother's embrace again. At first, Alphonse's entire being is consumed by the gate, but Edward acts immediately, refusing to lose his little brother and refusing to allow his arrogance in this plan to cause his brother's death for only following his lead. Edward gives his right arm to have the gate give back Alphonse's soul, and stated clearly in his panic that he'd give his entire self to save Alphonse if that's what it would take, but Truth took his dominant arm only, showing something akin to mercy, although the character of Truth is capriciously strict and hard to describe as "merciful".

Through giving up his right arm, Edward regains his Right Hand Man, his little brother and best friend. His only remaining family, who he feels responsible for protecting in the absence of their parents. He felt immediately that he'd made a grave mistake, instantly full of regret as he realized the gate had taken his brother. In that moment he was willing to give anything to take it back and undo the suffering his arrogance caused his brother, yet Alphonse was still to suffer more to come. Ed tied Alphonse's disembodied soul to one of Hohenheim's collected suits of armor, managing to at least keep his brother alive in some way. One could say that Alphonse's punishment functioned as a secondary punishment for Edward, showing him how easily his hubris could have cost him what he has left in his obsession with regaining what they'd lost, their mother. A very clear symbolic reminder of the weight of his actions and how he'd misled his brother in his own naive ignorance. Even in giving another limb away to drag his brother's soul back out of the gate, he couldn't offer enough to bring him back intact. Thus is the law of equivalent exchange.

Now that we've reviewed some of that basic symbolism and the motifs the story draws upon with limbs and body parts in relation to characters, let's move on to each individual brother and break it down, shall we?

Edward Elric is a very realistic protagonist, this is one thing a majority of us familiar with this series can agree upon. He feels like a believable teen boy, with layers of complexity to his character while also showing arrogance and immaturity that is unsurprising at his age. He expresses unwillingness to kill and avoidance of unjust violence from the beginning, and has a strong moral code after the ordeal of committing the taboo.

In some characters his cocky personality would typically become grating, yet the story explains in itself why he is this way, then builds upon this to develop him into an incredibly mature character who is willing to admit when he's absolutely wrong and adapts to new information and context for the crisis unfolding around him as it comes, even if he remains crass. This arrogance is shown from the start to be a manifestation of insecurity, self loathing, and repressed guilt. Edward is a logic driven person, he has a very unique thought process, which is where my interpretation of him as autistic comes in. Edward's awkward social demeanor, somewhat abrasive and cold approach to some, and his trouble coping with nonsensical societal structures all stand out in this way. Furthermore he clearly shows hyperfixation, hyperactivity, special interest, and infodumping behaviors that are all too familiar. He's picky with food (*cough* the milk thing), has very little filter and speaks his mind bluntly even if this can warrant conflicting responses, yet at the same time struggles with vulnerable emotions, and he is frustrated when his own routine or itinerary are interrupted by forces beyond his control. All of these things Scream autism with comorbid ADHD. Many traits are shared between the brothers, and I'm quite certain they're both on the autism spectrum based on behavioral patterns. Neurodivergence aside, Edward's physical disabilities are undeniable.

Despite his bratty persona, Edward is fundamentally kind and uncharacteristically gentle and soft around the edges for a shonen protagonist in many ways. He cries openly on many occasions even if he struggles talking about his trauma and burdens in words at times, he feels pain, grief, and compassion so intensely it throws him into action on a regular basis in the narrative. In this way he's also a fantastic example of non-toxic masculinity (though in other ways he has displayed more toxic traits, he's just a kid). He acts on his heart, even if he's led by his mind and logic in most things. His humanity, value for life, and care for others will always win over his logic, and he shows a sense of personal responsibility for doing the right thing even if it harms him in the process. Ed is clearly shown having ghost pains in his lost limbs which is honestly an interesting detail to include, I don't think I've ever seen that aspect of amputation shown in media aside from FMA. It's also shown that when Ed's automail arm breaks this is a HUGE problem for him, but he's also shown to be very good at working around this in difficult circumstances. He doesn't become completely helpless, even if majorly weakened.

Alphonse is an extremely lovable and compassionate boy, brimming with altruism and care for others. Even in his noncorporeal state he pursues a better future and he's not helpless by any stretch. Edward clearly states Alphonse is the superior fighter for example, and it's not just because of his armor body being so large. He's *talented*, that's a fact. Al is every bit as clever and capable as Ed, moreso in some ways, and I love that about his character *because* he's so clearly disabled. He has no sense of pain, he is completely incapable of sleeping, he can't eat, can't relax or find comfort, he can only exist and think. This causes him to overthink in all his time alone, this is debilitating. He clearly is absolutely sick of the loneliness this causes, and he often feels helpless though he's not. He has doubts and fears that consume him in relation to his armor body, he questions his own personhood, even. Yet, Edward is stubborn and staunch in affirming that no matter what he's dealing with, he is fundamentally still a human being that is loved and irreplaceable. Alphonse is powerful and his body gives him some advantages, but it also sets him back, and the brothers know this even when others claim Alphonse's state is somehow a good thing. I have hEDS, a disability that comes with advantages as well as the major downsides, so I can understand and relate to Alphonse here. I too am told my disability is a boon because of flexibility and because I'm less likely to fracture bones, but I'm twice as likely to injure my ligaments and joints, which people ignore.

The brothers are both disabled, both flawed, both show weaknesses, but they are competent, determined, and strong in their own right. They are rounded characters that exist for more than to be pitied or condescended to by able bodied characters around them. They put their entire being in everything that they do no matter what that is, and they don't know the meaning of giving up. These traits that they're made of truly make them a shining example of disability in protagonists for others to look to for reference when writing their own disabled characters.

Even though by the end Edward has regained one limb and Al has regained his body, this also doesn't just deus ex machina reverse their disability or make it go away. It's clear that Alphonse's body is weak and has to be rehabilitated upon recovery, and Edward is still missing his leg and bears the scars and pieces of the port from his automail arm. They weren't suddenly made able bodied upon recovering these things, they reclaimed what was lost through struggle and grit, but the narrative didn't give the impression that their disability in itself was something to be fixed, which is important. They wanted to recover their bodies, but this doesn't erase the effects of their disability.

It was about Edward atoning for leading Alphonse into their mistake and saving his brother from suffering further, it was about them proving they can keep moving forward no matter what, not about getting rid of their disability in itself or putting themselves down because of the disabilities. This, to me, as a mentally and physically disabled viewer, is so important. They achieve their goal, but this doesn't in any way erase or undo the effects of their initial losses, they find ways to adapt and move on but they're still affected and still disabled. They always will be. That can be so important to see in comfort characters, and as a disabled individual who's had both brothers as comfort characters since I was a child, their impact on my own journey is surprisingly tangible for fiction.

[lord-of-fidgets]

Ratchet x Autistic Reader ( Transformers Prime )

🚑 The first time you met the autobots it was all a bit much to take in; even more so when Optimus had assigned you with Ratchet. Or, Ratchet with you - however you wanted to look at it. It made sense - the others were already paired off and no doubt Optimus realized you'd feel safer with the medic, despite his apparently grumpy demaner.

🚑 It did take a while to pick up on it but you definitely found that he was basically a teddy bear - grumpy on the outside but deeply caring on the inside.

🚑 Since he didn't really leave the base - Omega One - he had a pretty set routine. You settled into it easily as well. Still in school or in college? You can study next to him in content silence as you both plod along with your tasks. Simply interested in what he is doing? He wouldn't mind you watching - and he doesn't mind the questions, despite the way he talks which would make it seem he'd rather not be bothered with inquires. In fact, he's more than willing to give explanations about anything you're interested in. His day to day routine is fairly concrete; something you both enjoy and prefer .

🚑 Special Interests - he wouldn't mind listening. Believe it or not, he makes a good sounding board. Of course sometimes he's busy or something unexpected happens that means he has to interrupt- but later as you're both in his habsuite getting ready to sleep, he's more than willing to let you continue if you want. He's genuinely interested because he does care about you - even if it's not always obvious.

🚑 Once he discovers you're autistic, Ratchet is invested in learning what he can ( when he has the time he prioritizes it ) and often asks you about your own experiences. When he hears about organizations like Autism $peaks, he's appalled and utters more than a few irritated words under his breath. Don't be suprised if he sits you down and wants to know if you want to make a plan in case of Meltdowns/shutdowns, overwhelm, etc. It's extremely important to him to be able to aid you when you need it.

🚑 Because he does care - even if he likes to pretend he's too grumpy to care - Primus help when you DO get overstimulated. If it's because of anyone else in the base - they'd maybe get one warning, which was probably snapped out as an order at everyone else to be quiet while he hurries to get you to a place that you can calm down in.

🚑 You have a stim kit at the base, including a weighted blanket, in his habsuite. Because if you need to get away, and a drive wasn't an option or good idea, you definitely wouldn't be disturbed in there. He'd make sure of it. Ratchet would keep any questions to simple "yes" or "no" ones, just long enough to know exactly what you needed.

🚑 If you use a device or prefer to use a device to communicate, no problem. He's already made sure he can interact with the device and made it so you could talk to him at any point using it. It doesn't matter if you're non-verbl, Semi-verbal, or just can't speak due to no spoons - he would never judge and would look to take the best of care of you. If you take medication, he'd always remind you to take it when and how you needed. which - don't be suprised if he hovers. He doesn't mean to - he just cares and so worries ( sometimes obsessively ). Thank you for humoring him.

🚑 A rare treat would be quiet drives together - wrapped up in a weighted blanket with a comfort object or stim toy as you are perched in the passenger seat, you love evening drives when the twilight is dimming and the bright desert sun is no longer overwhelming sensory wise. His voice is nice to listen to; he could ramble on about any topic he knew and was passionate about... But there would also be rides of just comfortable silence. Sometimes you'd end up falling asleep and he's pleased you're getting rest.

🚑 He's aware of how difficult it can be to sleep... So he'd be extra careful to not wake you. His habsuite isn't far from the sick bay - so the soft whirls of the machinery and his spark combine into a soothing mix of white noise. You're small and often he'll gently place you on his chest as he powers down; for the love of the All Spark don't try to disappear without waking him- he'd panic. Then get upset from the fear ( being a war vet and a medic can carry a heavy toll on a bot; I suspect he has PTSD himself. ); Not at you ( though it can seem like it in the heat of the moment ) but at the thought that something could of happened and if he wasn't there wheb you needed help what could have happened.

🚑 Stims don't bother him; he'd rather you stim and be yourself around him than feel like you have to hide it. you're free to - and encouraged to - drop your mask around him. If someone dares try to be ableistic toward you - Primus help their soul/spark. Let's admit it - Ratchet genuinely upset and angry is kinda unnerving. But he's careful to keep it in check around you. Last thing he wants is to make you upset in turn or to cause you discomfort of any sort.

🚑 He'd fight through hell and back for you. That's just the kind of bot he is.

🚑 You both end up becoming very close and work together often. It soon seems as if you've both been always working together. On days you're not there, he'll catch himself turning to address you only to feel a tinge of disappointment when he remembers you're not there then. Not that he'd admit it, willingly.

🚑 If you have a learning disability/intellectual disability, he's here to support you. You don't have to worry about proving your worth to him at all; you exist and are worth more than he can measure. Though, again, not that he'd willingly admit that part and tries to hide the pleasure he finds in your company in case it shows too much. After all he has that "grumpy-persona" to maintain. Can't drive? He's got you covered. Can't work a "normal" job or at all? Human societies are flawed and he disagrees with the abelstic nature of a lot of the ideals in society- you're valuable because you're you, you're alive. And you're his partner, his assistant, and he's your guardian. ( A position he takes seriously).

🚑 Once he realizes he's become your "safe place/person", he's suprised, humbled and pleased all at once. We all know he still grieves the fact he couldn't fully restore Bumblebee's voice during the war; Ratchet has a deep sense of duty, but he also has a harsh inner critic. To think you trust him enough even in your most vulnerable state is overwhelming to him but also makes the medic all the more determined to be there for you.

( maybe Ill make a part two for this one too. I'd like feedback if you've got any. Allistics don't derail. I'm willing to write more of these if people are interested. I don't think they're all that good but they do come from my heart. I'm also autistic, etc, and as I've said I can't speak for all autistics just me. So there may be things you can't relate to. That's ok and I hope you still enjoyed.)

Thank you for reading.

[thedreadvampy]

I dunno how to articulate it but I think there’s something to be said about how like. abled/neurotypical people infantilize neurodivergent people and water their experiences down to something palatable whereas they can’t do that for physically disabled people as much so they’re just uncomfortable? This probably doesn’t make much sense but. yeah :// (obviously I’m not saying being infantilized is a good thing it’s awful and I’ve experienced it more then once)

Maybe? I think there's something to be said for the palatability of (invisible) neuroatypicality (I say invisible in the sense of like. Irl more extremely visible behaviours like twitching, constant stimming or substantially stuttered/slurred speech do make people react differently), that's a very good point, but I think I'd separate it out from infantilisation. I think people with known MH Things or neuroatypicalities are often infantilised, yes, but infantilisation is such a substantial issue for even mildly visibly physically disabled people.

I can only speak to my own experience, but I would say minimisation is the main experience I've had with both mental health/neuroatypicality and invisible physical disabilities (eg my chronic pain, my friends' epilepsy and diabetes) whereas I associate infantilisation more with visible/physical disabilities (for example, my cane use our when I or friends have been using wheelchairs). What people can ignore/minimise they will, and when they can't ignore it they'll ignore you.

like the experience of being visibly physically disabled for me (and again, for me it's very mild because other than the cane I'm pretty Abled Body Passing) has involved a lot of

people talking about me/past me to people I'm with

people trying to do things for me or take tasks off me lest I hurt my poor little self

people Trying Not To Look

pity

condescension

being talked to Very Slowly And Gently

and that experience of fairly mild visible disability hasn't been my experience of being fairly autistic and having moderate PTSD symptoms.

(I also think a lot of people underestimate the degree to which a lot of people are happy to accuse you of faking/making a fuss when you use mobility aids or sensory aids, like one of the most irritating forms of online ableism discourse being perky about neurodiversity is 'people keep telling me I'm making X up and should get over it and they wouldn't tell someone on a wheelchair that!' which. yes. yes they would.)

So yes you're definitely right about watering down experiences to make them more palatable. and I think that extends to some physical disabilities where you can be like 'oh yeah I know they're [hearing impaired/visually impaired/use a cane/have an invisible disorder] but I just think of them as Normal because they can Act Normal' and I think a lot of the structures around ableism are about that 'let me ignore your problem please' like. There's this vast pressure to put as much work as possible constantly into never Appearing Disabled In Any Way, whether the issue is neuro or physical or both, and one way to do that is to say 'everyone feels that way' and the other is 'you don't feel that way' and either way you're supposed to stay palatable, and to a degree I think with a lot of issues it's when you refuse to or can't put all your resources into Being Normal that you get really severely infantilisation and dehumanised as a Poor Little Disabled Thing. that doesn't mean infantilisation is limited to highly visible disability (like the palatable idea of autism is hugely infantilising for example) but. I think that infantilisation is a way of minimising what can't be ignored and so it becomes less about neurodiversity vs physical disability and more about invisible Vs visible or ignorable Vs unignorable.

The thing I think undercuts the fact that online discourse on ableism focuses around neurodiversity and IRL discourse on ableism often centres around wheelchair use and profound sensory impairment is. what's visible and what's ignorable in what space.

online, somebody's words are most of how you know them. it's much more of your first impression whether their disability affects how they think and write than how they look or move. it's really easy to forget that some of the people you talk to are physically impaired or IRL have differences that are really apparent and make people treat them differently (like large scale scarring, deformities, issues in posture or bearing, twitches and tics, etc), and because we're all taught to be uncomfortable with visibly different bodies it's easier for most of us short term to lean into that - we choose to forget that other people are disabled (which is common enough IRL, like people will see and know you're physically disabled but have to be constantly reminded that that means you Can't Do Things, like I had a friend at work who broke her leg and she had to constantly remind people every day from her wheelchair 'no I can't come to a meeting on the 4th floor because I can't climb stairs') and other people may choose not to remind us because people get so dehumanised and infantilising on sight IRL where their disabilities are much more visible that it can be nice to have control over whether and when people notice you're disabled.

but IRL, the first thing people see is your body, your speech, your bearing and your movement. Which means it's easy to ignore or downplay stuff like mental health issues, chronic pain, invisible health issues etc because it isn't immediately visually obvious. so there the balance has historically been tipped in the other direction, where we only talk about the most physically readable forms of disability. which is also not good.

yeah this is kind of long and ramble and doesn't answer your point, sorry. I woke up thinking about this and I guess I'm dumping a lot of thinking into this ask fairly arbitrarily.

[chaotically-cas]

29 Things I Think Allistic People Need To Hear

From an autistic person

Not my usual content but I felt it needed to be said.

Saying “everyone is a little autistic” is really hurtful. Yes, everyone has their struggles but these struggles are far different for autistic people. Saying everyone experiences it is invalidating & harmful.

Being graded on eye contact & standing still is wrong. I’m pretty sure at one point or another we’ve had a project we were graded on & one of the grades was eye contact & not fidgeting. These things are extremely hard for autistic people & they are practically second nature. It’s like holding in a sneeze.

Stim & figget toys in schools. Of course fidget spinner’s & stim cubes can be bought & should be bought by anyone. If you want one, get one. But the way schools are banning them is crazy. They are very necessary for autistic people & it’s so much harder for them when schools ban their use.

QUITTTTT BABYING US!! We aren’t ‘uwu babies’. We are humans. We are perfectly capable of functioning without allistic people’s pity & looking down on us. We are our own people that don’t need a hand to hold in every damn situation. We aren’t cute because of it. 

Listen to autistic people. Everyone is all for advocating for people until that group of people want to advocate for themselves. So shut up & listen once & maybe you can learn something you didn’t know.

Creative writing in class is difficult. You don’t know how many bad grades I’ve gotten on because I can’t think of a good story out of my ass. It’s extremely hard for autistic people. Please give us a prompt it’s more helpful than you know.

Role playing in class. I think we’ve all had to do something where we research a famous person & have to assume their identity. This is again, so hard for autistic people. It’s hard enough for us to be ourselves. Most of us can’t understand these actives enough.

Slurs. Quit saying retard. It’s not an insult. It’s not funny. It’s offensive & every time you use it you’re hurting a disabled person & spreading harmful stereotypes. It’s not just a word. It’s not just a bad word. It’s a slur. Same as the f word or any other slur. Don’t use it.

People talking over us. No I dont mean just in conversations. Although that is another issue. I mean organizations like autism speaks that put words into autistic peoples mouths instead of letting them speak for themselves.

Stop making fun of our special interests. Whether you find anime cringey or think an adult loving Aladdin is childish just stop it. These things being extreme joy to us. They make us happy in a word that we don’t understand. So just leave us alone & let us be happy.

Don’t stare at us if we’re stimming. Especially in public. If you see me flapping my hands. Don’t stare. If you hear me humming quietly, don’t judge. These activities aren’t for your viewing pleasure. They’re for autistic people to regulate & express how they’re feeling.

Normalizing ableism. It’s so normalized. Whether it’s phrased like “suffers from autism” or how regularly ‘retard’ is used in classe; ableism is so often over looked especially by adults. There are no many micro aggressions they are just passed off as us not having a thick enough skin. When in reality it’s really damaging.

People first language. If you ever correct someone by saying “no, they’re a PERSON with autism. Not an autistic person”. Literally shut up. We’re autistic. We’re people. Being autistic doesn’t make us any less human so you don’t need to make it seem like it does. We’re still human no matter our disably. People don’t have to be reminded of this.

Using words like psychopath & sociopath. Calling autistic people these things just because you don’t understand us is disgusting. If you don’t understand these terms don’t use them. Just because we aren’t good at showing empathy in some cases doesn’t make us ‘psychopaths’.

Tone indicators. This is both the over use & not using them that’s an issue. Saying things like “/j /hj /sarcasm /srs /lh” all in one post defeats the whole damn purpose of them. & not using any at all especially when joking around or using sarcasm can lead to a lot of misunderstanding. It’s not that hard to use one or two at the end of a post. /srs

Picky eating. Literally stop making fun of autistic people for not liking a lot of foods or ordering the same thing at every restaurant. A lot of textures & flavors are very bothersome to autistic people. They can cause overstimulation or even panic. Just let us be. So I eat mac & cheese 4 times a week. I didn’t know it effected you so much.

“Ugh you’re so annoying you can’t ever get a joke”. No hearing that is what’s annoying. Tones are hard for us to understand so while most people pick up on it autistic people are more likely to read too much into it or take it seriously. It’s simple to use tone indicators in text or even to say “I’m joking”. It won’t make your joke less funny. It’ll just help us understand more.

Be specific if you want things from us. Don’t just say “hey I need a pencil”. Or “the dishwasher needs put away”. Most likely we’ll just be like, yeah, ok, and? Be specific please. Say things like “can I borrow a pencil?” or “can you undo the dishwasher?”.

Faces seeming to look weird. A lot of us having facial stims that can alter our faces. Whether it’s excessive blinking, eyebrow raising, or face scrunches. Don’t ask us what’s wrong with our face or what we are doing. For me, because of my facial stims & tics my eyes/eyebrows are permanently uneven. Don’t bring it up.

Classroom behavior charts are horrible. Autistic people don’t behave the same as allistic people. Simple as that. What they see as ok behavior, others don’t. & some times they don’t realize these behaviors will get them in trouble.

Police brutality. Especially in black or brown autistic people. It’s so common that people call the police on autistic people stimming in public because they are seen as dangerous. & when these autistic people can’t understand what’s going on or can’t make eye contact they are labeled as more suspicious. Especially black autistic people. Just look at Elijah McLean.

Feeling dumb. Especially in schools or other scholarly conversations. Some autistic people aren’t able to keep up or fully understand everything that’s being said or presented. Which leads to us feeling dumb. Give us time to process or aso questions please.

Feeling robotic. You’ve most likely heard autistic people being compared to robots at one point or another. Whether that’s for the impaired ability to establish empathy or something else it’s an extremely negative & hurtful stereotype. Especially in media.

Saying ‘I forgot’ is a valid excuse. There is so much going on in our heads. So much to process & remember. We forget things. Everyone forgets things. Especially autistic people. Please don’t yell at us for always forgetting to do the dishes. It’s not like we chose to forget.

The harmful effects of the vaccines cause autism jokes. Aside from the whole anti vaxers debate, perpetually the idea that we shouldn’t be vaccinated because it causes autism is disgusting. It’s treating autism like a disease. Like the person who has it isn’t worthy. Or that autism is so chronic it will ruin everything. It’s like people avoiding cheese burgers because it’s rumored they make you ginger. It’s preposterous. 

Yelling at autistic people for struggling to want to learn new concepts/concepts at all. This not only goes for in school but in just normal conversation. It’s hard for autistic people to grasp things they don’t have an interest in learning. So please don’t yell at us for not understanding everything about a band that we don’t care about, we would if we could. It might not seem like a big issue but it happens more than you’d think.

Intrusive thoughts. (Tw: rape mention & violence) Most of the time autistic people experience extreme spells of intrusive thoughts “omg he’s going to rape you image him raping you” or “stab yourself in the side right now” or much worse. & when autistic (and other) people try to talk about it they are labeled crazy or insane. It’s a normal occurrence to have these kinds of thoughts. We don’t want to. But they happen. That’s why they’re called intrusive.

Executive disfunction. This is basically when autistic people are views as lazy but we physically & mentally just can’t. Where tasks as seemingly simple as going to get a glass of water feels like a mountain to autistic people. It’s not that we are lazy. We physically & mentally can’t work up to it.

Class rank & graduation requirements are unfair. Autistic people socialize differently. It’s just a fact. Our brains work differently in classes & outside of it. We could be working our asses off to understand our English class book, but we get an F. Not to mention how most schools require community service hours to graduate. Yes community service is good but it can be very hard for autistic people.

Please feel free to add on but a lot of these are drawn from personal frustrations. Please listen to autistic & other disabled people more. All these also applies to those with ADHD/ADD or any other mental illness where the situations apply. You’re all valid & amazing.

I love you all. 💕

[roninhunt0987]

Sushi Time Night

Sushi Time Night

By: Roninhunt0987

X3 an idea Nekorockstarninja told me on,.. X3 the premise is that Suzuki takes everyone out to a sushi place that she knows of with a small prize contest if ya eat 5 plates of sushi ya get a small prize... Suzuki once attempted to do it on her but couldn't it but this time she brought back up which happens to be the ragtag Cast members of mine that will be aiding Suzuki to get what she needs... XD hilarity will ensue

Characters(C)belongs to their rightful owners

-that night in town-

Suzuki: -opens the doors to the Sushi place as she heads inside with the others- ^^ this is the Sushi place I spoke of... ^^; where I ate like 40 plates of Sushi and got some small prizes out of it... I tried to do it alone but couldn't do it... ^^ so yea Merrick: hehe -sniffs the air of the place- ^^ heh reminds me the time when I was a lil kid Espio's uncle Seraph brought my siblings and I with Espio to a Sushi place similar to this one

Espio: heh... brings back memories doesn't it?? Merrick: it really does

Espio: to this very day I still miss my uncle but he did raise ya well

Suzuki: wait wha

Jared: when Merrick's village got attacked Uncle Yamato told them to find a person named Seraph who happens to be Espio's uncle... Both Merrick and Espio grew up as kids so they're pretty close

Suzuki: oh wow I had no idea

Espio: now ya know Suzuki

Merrick: soon after Espio's uncle passed we split ways on our own.. we didn't get back together until the meterex war happened and worked together with tails and the others on the war effort I was just glad to See Espio again but hanging with Vector and Charmy,, ^^; dunno how he ended up with them but they're an okay sort when I met them I was quite unsure at the time but sometime after the war I accepted them as friends... any friend of Espio is my friend those were my words when I accepted them... ^^; well as for Espio paying rent I usually see him at the door delivering pizza...

Espio: uhm.... ya back when... uhhh Tails broke his arm and leg at the time when Miss Marine was around at the time... I wonder whatever happened to that girl?? Shadow: heh... who knows Marine The Raccoon: O.o there was a girl after my name

Tails: mmhmm when I had that extreme gear mishap I got badly injured both of em got me home and had me patched up

Espio: she was the one who greeted me at the door at the time when I delivered the pizza... told her why that I had to pay rent because Vector kept going broke

Merrick: this was way before I got my cybernetic enhancements at the time btw

Waitress: -sees Suzuki is here again and sees the big crowd thats with her- O.o oh wow I never knew I am seeing this the ragtag band of the Katos and Prowers and also others also... uhh follow me to the big room for a huge crowd and we'll be with ya shortly

Suzuki: alrighty

Roberto: -walks on over as he also owns this sushi place also- ahhh.. Merrick good to see you again -insert borderlands 3 character introduction of his full name which is Roberto Jaime Scott: Martial Artist, Bodyguard of Yuri Niko and Japanese Restaurant related business man-

Merrick: ahh Roberto didn't know ya own this sushi place also besides the main ones

Roberto: mmhmm I might say Suzuki really loves this place specially the idea that every 5 plates of sushi ya get a small prize and seems like she wants to get more prizes and for y'all to have a chance also Jared: thats why were here Roberto

Connor The Wolf: -walks on in- Oh hey Dad -insert borderlands 3 character introduction of his name Connor the Wolf: adopted son of merrick and Kimiko, Bodyguard of Yuri Niko, Warrior, Marksman, Mage and with a heart of gold- What ya guys doing here??

Merrick: wondering the same thing kiddo

Shiro The Floofyshark: I can answer that -insert borderlands 3 introduction of his name Shiro The Floofyshark: main bodyguard of Yuri Niko, second husband of Yuri Niko and boss of Roberto and Connor- remember that chat I had with ya sir?? if ya remember ya Son and his friend Roberto have now officially been sworn in as Yuri Niko's bodyguards

Misha: wait.. if ya here... ^^ that also means Yuri and Her family is here

Shiro The Floofyshark: ^^ correct Misha she is in the same room that ya guys are heading into

Misha: X3 awesome

Suzuki: wait hold up whos Yuri Niko Misha: X3 one of my best friends and also neighborhood hehe Claretta will be glad to see me too

Suzuki: wait oh so thats who it was thats outside a lot with a cute unique colored Eevee and another floofyshark enjoying the summer weather each time I come by to visit

Misha: ^^ get this Yuri is a J-pop singer and I know how ya love J-pop Suzuki

Suzuki: ^^ awesome can't wait to meet her

-in the big room- Claretta Niko: -at the table and ears perks up as she is wearing her eevee hoodie and sees Misha- OwO

Yuri Niko: hu?? ^^ Misha whatcha doin here??? Misha: ^^ got invited by my friend suzuki

Claretta Niko: -runs to misha and hugs her and sees Suzuki and gets shy as she gets behind Misha-

Suzuki: ^^ hey its alright I don't bite

Misha: -does sign language with her to let her know Suzuki is a friend of hers-

Claretta Niko: -nods yes and does sign language of saying okay-

Suzuki: -watches carefully-

Mikey: .w. uhhh whats she doing

Raph: sigh... its called Sign language ya idiot

Suzuki: ohhh... Born deaf or born mute??

Misha: ^^ born mute... O.o she also has Autism/ADD and has panic attacks hence she has her eevee a lot... her Eevee is her service pokemon... ^^ its a special program for the disabled to have pokemon with them as their service pet... kinda like the service animals ya see around new york so yea

Suzuki: wow -smiles cutely and giggles- ^^ love ya eevee hoodie

Claretta Niko: -does sign language of saying thank you- ^^

Misha: ^^ she says thank you

Suzuki: ^^ your welcome

Yuri Niko: -walks on over- ^^ so ya must be Suzuki Misha told me a lot about ya and also into J-pop

Suzuki: ^^ hehe guilty as charged nice to meet ya

Yuri Niko: ^^ likewise

-as they got to the table-

Jessica Niko: ^^ so ya must be Suzuki I heard so much about.. ^^ my names Jessica Niko and this is my husband Raymond Niko.. Ray for short... ^^ we own a coffee shop in town... Misha is one of locals that comes by same goes with Misha The Coyote

Raymond Niko: ^^ well met

Jessica Niko: ^^ I see ya met Claretta already... over there is my son Harvey -mumbles to Suzuki so that Harvey won't hear- just be careful around him he has a bad habit of raiding girls undergarments and such don't worry his siblings always get to him on that

Suzuki: oof noted but don't worry my brothers will help

Yuri Niko: brothers???

Mikey: ^^ sup

Yuri Niko: O.o oh wow is that-

Misha: ^^ yup Suzuki's brothers is the TMNT... Janic was the first to meet them and we later on met them... ^^ the orange mask there is Mikey, the red mask is Raph

Yuri Niko: XD the hothead of the bunch

Raph: .w. ya she ain't kidding on that one

Yuri Niko: and the blue mask there is Leo which is the leader and the one in purple is the brainaic of the bunch Donnie

Leo: heh good guess

Donnie: ^^ yup brains of the bunch

Gen'ichi: names Gen'ichi, this is my wife Ninjara

Ninjara: -bows- hello

Yuri Niko: ohh the one Raph used to hang with

Raph: -blushes- uhhh ya

Ninjara: ^^ ya correct on that one

Gen'ichi: kids front in center

Ran, Rei, Reiko, Rika, Miwa, Nori, Gen'ichi Jr and Lil Geni: -lines up sideways-

Ninjara: ^^ thats Ran, Rei, Reiko, Rika, Miwa, Nori, Gen'ichi jr and Lil Geni

Ran: ^^ Hoi

Rei: X3 heya

Reiko: ^^ hi

Rika: X3 heya

Miwa: ^^ hoi

Nori: ^^ heya

Gen'ichi Jr: ^^ hi hi

Lil Geni: ^^ hoi -sticks out her tongue cutely like a small blep while she is holding Suzuki's old plush-

Yuri Niko: ^^ so cute

Harvey Niko: ^^ hi my names Harvey Niko and-

Yuri Niko: .w. don't even try to ask her about that knucklehead ya know we get on ya behind on that right?? Harvey Niko: .w. darn it

Keira Niko: -rolls eyes- oi... ^^ hi my names Keira good to meet ya

Hayato Niko: my names Hayato well met

Ryu Niko: my name is Ryu Niko I'm Jessica's older brother heh and also Yuri and her siblings uncle ya probably can tell we have a japanese background

Suzuki: ^^ I can tell hehe

Yuri Niko: ^^ I see ya already met Shiro, Connor and Roberto who are my bodyguards when I go on tour for my J-pop... ^^ also for a fact Connor and Roberto recently got sworn in as bodyguards to help Shiro out

Laurence: ^^ my names Laurence i'm Yuri's husband and this kiddo of mine is Zoey

Zoey Niko: hi

Suzuki: ^^ so cute

Waitresses: -gets green tea for everyone and such-

Waiters: -got everyones sushi plates for everyone to choose from-

Roberto: ^^ hehe the key of this if ya finish 5 plates of sushi ya get a small prize so enjoy

Honey The Rat/Zebra: hehe awesome -proceeds to use her chopsticks and such as she uses the Wasabi on her sushi and eats it and etc as she has extreme high tolerence from eating anything spice as she is immune to any spicy kick-

Mikey: O_O wha how... Wasabi supposed to light ya mouth on fire its called spicy mustard for a reason

Shadow: .w. mikey.... that because she has a unique extreme high tolerance to anything spice

Mikey: No way

Amber: ^^ way hehe

Mikey: .w.;;;; -thinking of a crazy idea-

Raph: .w. Mikey what are ya planning

Mikey: oh nothing just want to attempt something

Raph: .w. ya know any idea ya think of doing usually backfires in some bad way ya know that

Suzuki: .w. Raph whats mikey planning

Raph: .w. who knows... he's probably gonna attempt to eat a whole mouthful of wasabi

Mikey: :3

Raph: O_o oh no... he is isn't he

Mikey: -attempts it as he gets a mouthful of Wasabi in his mouth and swallows-

Raph, Suzuki, Leo and Donnie: .w. 3, 2, 1

Mikey: -randomly screams- AHHHHHHHHH!!! -runs around like an idiot as he flails his arms anime style in panic- AHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHH OMG AHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Everyone: -facepalms-

Yuri Niko: don't tell me this is one of his dumb moments isn't it

Everyone: -in unison- Yes

Ran, Rei, Reiko, Rika, Miwa, Nori, Gen'ichi Jr and Lil Geni: -laughing at their uncle mikey as this was a funny moment and such-

Suzuki: ugh Mikey drink this

Mikey: -drinks it- uggh what is this...

Suzuki: its green tea it-

Mikey: oh hey my mouth is not on fire anymore

Suzuki: .w. exactly it helps with defusing the burns of the wasabi

Mikey: .w. ohhh

Suzuki: -looks to Ran, Rei, Reiko, Rika, Miwa, Nori, Gen'ichi Jr and Lil Geni- ^^ remember not to do that or in this case don't pull an Uncle Mikey moment

Mikey: >< HEY!!! Ran, Rei, Reiko, Rika, Miwa, Nori, Gen'ichi Jr and Lil Geni: -laughs-

Mikey: -chuckles- ya okay that was on me honestly

Raph: -gibbs slaps Mikey for it- .w. ya think Genius its no wonder ya being called a knucklehead at times

Shadow: .w. ya mean like knuckles

Knuckles: HEY WHAT THE HECK THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!!!

Tails: .w. uhm Knuckles remember that time ya got tricked for the first time by eggman when he yoinked the master emerald from ya when Sonic and I met ya the first time

Sonic: .w. ya dude ya even suckerpunched me while I was in super form

Knuckles: .w. sigh okay okay ya have a fair point there

Sonic: mmmhmm -drinks a lil bit of his Green tea-

Tails: -eating his sushi-

The others: -same-

-45 minutes later-

Everyone: -each got a prize thats given to Suzuki as for helping her out and such-

Roberto: ^^ well I do have to admit that was a wise decision to bring friends and family with ya to help eating the sushi and the prizes needed so when in doubt always have family and friends to help instead of taking it on alone

Suzuki: ^^ heh thanks

Merrick: ^^ the usual account that I usually pay for here Roberto and congrats to joining in helping Shiro with the bodyguard detail and uhh also my boy good on you of joining with Shiro on that detail also... ^^ so ya can get out more and such whenever Yuri goes on tour

Connor The Wolf: heh... thanks dad

Merrick: ^^ keep in mind when Yuri's band is in town expect us to be there so we can listen and watch

Yuri Niko: ^^ hehe count on it ya son will do a great job I just know he will

Merrick: ^^ of course and make sure he stays out of trouble also and make sure to have a calm mind and such... ^^; the boy has ADHD and Autism go figure

Connor The Wolf: ^^; ya pops has a point on that Yuri heh but don't worry Roberto will make sure I am kept in check hehe and Shiro also

Shiro The Floofyshark: heh ya damn right i'll make sure to do that

Roberto: indeed

Misha: ^^ so when ya tour

Yuri Niko: ^^ sometime around august or so however I do plan on coming here in town around october as the final spot before I go on break from my tour run so basically Megaville city is the final destination of my Tour around October and well... ^^ its gonna be on Your Birthday Misha

Misha: X3 Awesome I can't wait hehe

Yuri Niko: ^^ hehe yup

Shiro: -looks to Roberto and Connor- that means you two we got few weeks until august starts up... when August 1st starts up you two better be ready and also in gear got it.. our job is to make sure no one makes a move on Yuri or well in this case some random jackass decides to flirt on her... use of force is needed if the said person doesn't cooperate

Yuri Niko: .w. oh in this case if SP Vector decides to butt and such use of force is basically immediate

Roberto: ugggh ya mean the same jackass I had to ban last week from this establishment along with the other japanese places I own and etc

Connor The Wolf: =w= and the same numbskull who blew up my damn truck that my adopted parents got for me when I first got adopted

Yuri Niko: yup the very same cheap knock off of Vector who is also his sonic paradox counterpart if ya watched the sonic shorts collab series

Roberto: ohhh looking forward to it good thing I been practicing some new martial arts moves I can use on him

Connor The Wolf: and also the new Blade that Gladio gave me when he first fought against Giglamesh and passed it on to me since he wishes to keep using one of his older blades and such

Jared: wait what

Squall: gigalmesh... yes I know the guy when Odin went down he came into the picture and resumed doing Odin's job didn't know his name at the time but he seems to be obsessed with a certain sword... I think it was the Excalibur or somethin he didn't say

Cloud: wait Gladio fought him

Gladio: yup and also his pet also... seems the big guy really loves to fight on bridges

Jared: according to legend its considered tradition for him... huhn that explains why when I dueled Stupid Mario at the time thats also a bridge over some lava and etc

Merrick: and its also a wonder why we sometimes tell ya it was from too much video games that has him in it

Jared: .w. ya that explains it

Jennifer The Fox: -close to Yuri as she misses her parents as this was the go to place when she was a lil kid as her parents and herself went here a lot-

Yuri Niko: whats wrong??

Jennifer The Fox: I remember my parents and I went here in this very area

Roberto: ahhh I thought I recognize ya... my grandfather knew ya parents and you at the time... its a shame they been killed by a drive by shooter

Jennifer The Fox: uhm about that... he's already dead.. ^^ Misha took him out

Misha: .w. turned out it was the jackhole who participated the fall of my family's clan go figure

Roberto: ahh I thought so hence reason the streets near the coffee shop is quiet a lot now and also explains why my grandfather placed a memoriam shrine to honor them as their best customers...

Jennifer The Fox: is he still around

Roberto: ^^ as a matter of fact he is yes he's the one who got me to be who I am today on as I took of his job as he is retired now and still strong as an ox

Jennifer: ^^ can ya tell him I said hello and well... also thank you for doing the memorium shrines for them...

Roberto: ^^ i'll make sure to do that count on it

Suzuki: one more thing whos is gonna maintain the restaurants while ya away on bodyguard duty

Eos The Floofyshark: ^^ I can answer that... ^^ you see two metabots requested by Roberto will take over for a bit until october who also happens to make sure Claretta remains calm as those two happens to be her Metabots to protect her while Yuri is away

Roberto: ^^ yes that would be Foxsword and Foxuno they seem to have a nack of maintaining stuff besides what they do a lot at a delay basis they're gonna start doing my tasks sometime when Yuri begins her tour run and don't worry I already told Gramps on that detail already as he is aware that I am a sworn in Bodyguard for Yuri Niko during her tour he is actually proud of me after I told him

Eos The Floofyshark: ^^ mmhmm

Suzuki: ^^ good to know

Eos The Floofyshark: .w. they'll also make sure that SP Vector don't enter the building as they will use force if needed as a last resort

Roberto: oh ya and my grandfather knows about it too

Suzuki: thats good

Roberto: indeed

SP vector: -breaks through wall like the Kool-aid man- OH YA!!!

Roberto: ._.;;;;; SP Vector ya paying for the damage for that

SP Vector: .w. or else what

Shiro: .w. -gets out his desert eagle and shoots SP Vector in the balls- BLAM!!! SP Vector: OUGH!!! -on the floor- >< my overies

Claretta Niko: -sighs and does sign language of saying ya don't have any ya dingbat-

SP Vector: .w. what she say?? Raph: -facepalm- She said You don't any ya dingbat... what did ya fail sign language 101 or somethin punk

SP Vector: WHY DON'T YA SAY THAT TO MY FACE HOTSHOT!!! Raph: =w= oh its on...

Frenchie: 1 hour of pain later

SP Vector: -broken teeth and etc and in a dentist office- uggggh

TF2 Medic: :3 Next

SP Vector: AHHHHHHHHHH!!! -crashes through wall as he runs away-

TF2 Medic: -scratches the back of his head in confusion on why he did that and shrugs and calls the next patient in-

Scene: -does a smart fart noise of blacking out-

TFS Nappa: .w. the end

-XD END XD-

-RH0987 PRODUCTIONS 2021-

@otakuneko-lotus XD enjoy neko

[thistangledbrain]

Day 19 & 20!

Day 19 - “I hate it when...”

As you’ve gleaned from prior posts, I hate it when you forget autism is a developmental disorder and not an intellectual one. We are so. Fucking. Tired. Of being treated as lesser, or like we don’t understand what you’re saying to us.

Outside of the reactions to others’ behavior, though, I have some personal “I hate it when”...I’ve let you into my mind and told you what I appreciate about how my brain works, but there are things I don’t like, for sure.

I hate that personal stressor things trigger a toddler-like need to SHUT DOWN. Like writing this blog, for example...the vulnerability I feel usually leads to a need to go to sleep for a long time, once I’m finished. Or after a long day socializing. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to engage my brain anymore, I just need to shut all systems down and sleep. Especially if there’s been a meltdown (meltdown—->shutdown)...and oh boy do I hate meltdowns. They’re really rare, thank dog.

I hate that my executive function is an absolute bag of ass. This is probably the biggest thing I would change. It got infinitely worse when my disability got bad (EDS), for some reason. And it drives me up the damn wall.

I hate my low function days/moments. It’s like my brain just won’t kick into gear, or the gears and wheels are rusty and grinding, & it’s rather anxiety inducing. I usually “hide” on my low days, sometimes in my darkened bedroom, and watch favorite shows or movies, or get lost in a good book - if I can. On low days I find myself re-reading crap constantly because it’s not making any sense, so I’ll even avoid complicated recipes...I have no idea why these days/moments happen, but boy do they piss me off/make me anxious (that’s kind of the same thing for me. My anxiety nearly always manifests as anger). On my low days, you’ll see (if you were a fly on the wall, because I suppress this even around my own family), me walking in tight, anxious figure 8’s and flapping my hands in a distressed way, as I anxiously try to mentally kick my brain into gear. (It doesn’t work, but it IS a little soothing. And my dogs are SO sweet...they gather around me tightly and just seem to know I need them.)

🤷🏻‍♀️ There’s probably more I could expound on that I don’t like, but writing this one has been pretty distasteful. I try not to dwell on things I hate anymore, so I’ve put this entry down multiple times and come back to it when I’m in a decent frame of mind. I think I’m tired of talking about it now, so I’m gonna just stop talking.....

Which is a good segue into Day 20 -

————————————-

“Communication”

Ahh communication. This entry will be long, because I have a lot to communicate LOL....

Personally, I write far more coherently and eloquently than I speak. My brain goes too fast...I often trip over words; my brain’s three steps ahead of what’s coming out of my mouth and I get scrambled sometimes. I can also take the time to think about what I want to say/HOW I want to say it. Like many autistics, I’m a blurter. LOL...I am constantly trying to remind myself, just because I think it, doesn’t mean I have to say it. This gets a LOT of us in trouble...one of my most memorable examples is, I *loudly* blurted “that’s BULLSHIT!!” in a church one time. (I was speaking on how my devout Methodist grandmother, who regularly takes communion at her church, was not permitted to receive communion in a Catholic church, merely because she isn’t Catholic, despite the fact that this woman is all about some Jesus & a devoted churchgoer - not just on Easter and Christmas.) In my defense, it WAS (IS) bullshit. I just didn’t need to practically yell that in church. As you can imagine, it was like a needle scratching across a record & everyone turned to stare. (My poor husband rescued me.) 🤦🏻‍♀️ Sigh. It’s a good idea to keep me out of most church services.

I am rather famous (infamous?) for calling bullshit straight to someone’s face, BLUNTLY. It’s out of my mouth before my brain’s “tact gatekeeper” I’ve spent over a decade trying to train is even half awake at his post (it’s a him because my husband is the one who taught me how to use tact in the first place. And it’s a him because said “gatekeeper” is lazy and falls asleep on the job all the time 😆). Have you ever just blurted your honest thoughts and heard shocked gasps or someone just busts out laughing? Yeah. That happens to me regularly. Or uncomfortable chuckles and someone will blink a few times and say, “oohhhkay, well, you could said that a different way.” (My old response to that was, I’m not responsible for what your reaction is to what I say...you’re in charge of your own feelings. I *understand* now how irresponsible and unfeeling that is, and I try to keep that in the front of my mind, even when I’m frustrated and nearly burning up with the desire to speak my thoughts in their raw form, but this is routinely an area I struggle to adapt to...and I am very sorry when I hurt someone I care about.)

On the other side of this same coin though, this is a trait my friends respect deeply, because I’m not cruel hearted or anything. You always know where you stand with me, and I’m the last person to try and lie to you. I SUUUUUCK at lying. And on the rare times when I do, I usually end up eventually telling on myself (this drove my older stepsister NUTS when we were kids, because she liked to do lots of sneaky things, and I don’t have an inherently sneaky nature LOL...so “DO NOT tell momma” was a *serious* risk for her, if she let me tag along 😂). Lying to someone just feels disgusting. Oily. Shameful. I hate lying. Plus, my short term memory is a grabasstic bag of CRAP, so there’s a good chance I won’t remember the lie and get caught anyway. 🤷🏻‍♀️ My boys also suck at lying or hiding stuff, and generally prefer not to...but I also give them a safe forum to be honest. (I’m sure there’s LOTS of crap I don’t know, but you’d be surprised how much they DO tell me.)

Another thing with me personally is that I go mute sometimes. I’m not being deliberately obstinate. I’m not REFUSING to speak in those moments...sometimes I literally can’t, and the effort of doing so will make me gag, or even projectile vomit. Sounds very dramatic, doesn’t it? It is. (And it annoys the SHIT out of me.) There’s not a fucking thing i can do about it. The movement of my tongue in my mouth will literally begin to trigger my gag reflex, and if I try to power through it, I’m rewarded with my lunch returning to the surface anyway, regardless of my desires, and sometimes rather unexpectedly & violently. USUALLY this happens when I’m uber stressed, but sometimes it seems kind of out of the blue & catches even me off guard. If this happens but I still have something to say, I start texting instead, and explain. Most people - especially my hubby - are very kind when this happens. (I don’t want your pity, I just want you to switch to written communication for a minute until I can figuratively kick the fuck out of the engine in my “speaking center” and get it to work again.) Other times, I will literally get tired of talking. Like my mouth and tongue - and somehow, the “word forming” part of my brain feels physically exhausted (weird, I know, but I also spend the vast majority of my life silent - I am home alone all day, hate talking on the phone, and simply don’t speak much, by choice. So maybe it is actual “mouth fatigue” 😂😂😂 - I’ve stopped eating before because I just got tired of chewing, too, even though I’m still somewhat hungry. 🙄) I am usually *perfectly* happy to keep listening! And I’ll stay engaged in the conversation usually. I am just...done audibly talking. I’ll literally say “my mouth is tired of making the sounds now, but please keep going”...but I think my husband is the only one who doesn’t find this unusual, and rolls with it. It usually happens after a long, animated conversation...instead of winding down, though, it just..stops. If I try to keep going, cue the gagging. I can stay engaged in the conversation if you let me start writing/typing instead of speaking, for my responses. So that’s a “fun” little trait of mine that many neurotypicals find unsettling. Please don’t take it personally. My mouth just doesn’t want to make the words anymore - and I’m probably mostly done adding what I needed to add to the conversation anyway. I’m a great listener when this happens, though. 😆

Communication is a really interesting thing with all of us, because it’s a struggle on one level or another. I will tell you, it’s a frequent topic in my groups. “WHY CAN’T NEUROTYPICALS JUST SAY WHAT THE FUCK THEY MEAN?!?! 😩😩😩” I’m dead serious - you might think, because we’re sensitive (generally), we can’t “handle” it? You’d be so very wrong. What we can’t handle is when you dance around a subject or we have to try and translate what you just said to us (which most of us are not that good at). Just fucking say it! Nine times out of ten, you’ll just get a look of dawning realization and a “oh, shit, okay” response. We can handle it. Just. Say. It. We’ll respect you a lot more in the morning, LOL 😆

I think every autistic has some sort of beef with neurotypicals when it comes to communication (as I’m sure you have yours with us, obviously).

You guys operate under some weird ass rules that we simply don’t understand - especially if you don’t tell us those rules & just expect us to know. Like, if my husband hadn’t patiently taken years to show/teach me how the way I said certain things were hurtful, I would still be in the “yeah she’s cool but she’s kind of an asshole” territory. (I still struggle to grasp this, or at least it still frustrates me....truth is truth, whether it’s an ironclad general fact or your own personal truth - and yes sometimes the truth hurts, but like...I don’t pin any responsibly for that on the truth teller, if that makes sense?)

Working in rescue also helped hone my ability to speak “neurotypically” to others - I work with a LOT of women, and boy do a lot of them NOT appreciate when you bluntly tell them what you think. Men on the other hand....

I know *lots* of autistic women who prefer friendships with men, largely centering around this communication thing. We hurt men’s feelings a little less regularly than other women’s. I know I was like that, until I got a little more used to how I have to modify my communication with most women (but that annoys me, I’m gonna be honest - it annoys my Autie friends, too). The only time I am as starkly blunt as I used to be, is when speaking to my female Autie friends (because they can handle it), or most of the dudes I’m friends with. But if my message is getting “lost in the sauce” and you’re not getting my point, I usually give a frustrated sigh, WARN you that I’m about to tell you flatly what I need to say, because we aren’t getting anywhere, and just say it.

Yes I am the friend who, when you gush on and on about your new back yard bred puppy, talking all about how you’re gonna breed him when he grows up, is gonna flatly say “he’s not breeding quality”, if they’re not. Then I’m gonna ask you why you want to do such a thing, given that you’re aware of the massive load of rescue dogs (PARTICULARLY Great Danes and Cane Corsos) - and probably beat your argument down every step of the way. That doesn’t always go badly though - one of my closest friends was considering breeding their dog, and while it was a beautiful dog, it was not one that should reproduce (from an “improve the breed” perspective). We barely knew each other, but I gained a reputation for being kind but starkly honest...and I knew what I was talking about...and now I have this person’s deep respect, and they have mine (because they listened and did the research I asked them to - and did not add to the breed population). So it’s not *always* a trainwreck, because the people who end up respecting how I communicate, usually end up VERY close friends. AND I WANT THAT IN RETURN, which is refreshing for a LOT of people. I want your dead honesty in return - PLEASE. It’s so much easier for me to process and accept. For example, my house is almost constantly in some sort of disarray. I have one friend who will come in and go, “girl. I almost can’t breathe in here - this clutter is too much”(and then she offers to help me tackle it!!).

Or, fairly recently, “oh my god those curtains are so horrible, I hope you’re getting rid of those when you redo this room.”

“But I MADE those curtains! I love that print!”

“Ugh. No. They’re terrible. Get rid of them.”

My feelings were not hurt in the LEAST (I of course had a flash of “you bitch, I was so excited to find that print and I MADE THOSE, ya jerk” 😂). At first I said, “well you’re just gonna have to suck it up and deal with my shitty curtains, because I like them” 😂, but then as I was redoing the room, I took them down...and it DID look a lot better, so I left them down 😂😂😂....

So I guess my point with all this is: every autie I know deeply wishes you’d just fucking spit it out. We WILL often miss or misinterpret the point if you “fluff” it too much (around my neck of the woods, we call it putting too much gild on the lily, though I’ve never understood that one. Idk if a “gilded lily” is/was ever a thing, why anyone would gild a lily in the first place...LOTS of us struggle with colloquialisms that don’t make literal sense. 😆 Recently a friend was baffled over “shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which fills up faster”, and fully half of the respondents to her post were people baffled by why anyone would shit in their hand - I and a couple others had to explain, and it just ended with them going “well that’s a fucking stupid saying anyway, and wishes aren’t things you can put in your hands, either” 😂😂😂...but I’m from the south, and these things are just part of our vocab. MOST of them are easy to grasp for me, like “nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs”, because I immediately picture it and can grasp the meaning. But others I don’t get - the gilded lily is one LOL)...

We are LITERAL AS FUCK. It’s why we ruin lots of jokes, too. My poor husband is the dad joke king - and I ruin fully 1/3 or more of his jokes by being too literal (which he also finds amusing, so that’s good). Sometimes we realize we’re ruining the joke but we don’t care, because it’s dumb, or we just .... can’t....HELP IT. 😩😂

Jeez, I could almost write all day about autistics and communication LOL!!

But to summarize (and not succinctly, sorry), I guess, for me and many many others...we are often blunt, direct, almost painfully honest, and very, very literal. Your unspoken rules of communication absolutely go over our heads, unless you - yannow - *communicate* and explain them. We’ll probably tell you those rules are stupid and exhausting, but we will TRY and stick to it as best we can. But see, we literally have to think about every single word that comes out of our mouths, because we communicate far more directly than you weird fuckers do. And it is literally actually exhausting. It’s not an easily natural thing for us to adapt to, your weird way of saying things but not saying what you really mean. You’re wasting a LOT of words there, sir, and we are now getting obsessively confused over why you would do such a thing. 😂 It’s also why I keep getting banned from Facebook. My recent one was because I said - in one of my Autie “safe” groups, where I should be able to just say what I mean - that I tend to punch or want to punch people who deliberately startle the shit out of me. We were talking about how stupid April Fool’s Day was, and how we hate pranks. Three of us got banned for 30 days for just...well. Facebook called it “incitement of violence”. 🙄🥺🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼

But I haven’t met - yet, maybe? - an autistic person who is cruel natured - not one of us gets any joy from being a bully type. WE feel everything on a higher level, so we kind of assume you do, too...you might think, “then why are you such an asshole?!”, but it’s simply that we - or every Autie I know, anyway - struggle to grasp how directly communicating your feelings is so fuckin hard or hurtful for y’all. I think anyone struggles to grasp something they themselves don’t experience. All you have to do is explain, though, and keep guiding us towards communicating in ways that we both find acceptable. I mean we’re champs at accepting all manner of different human - regardless of race, sexuality, and so on - but the communication is one area that frustrates the ever loving SHIT out of most of us, because it makes so little logical sense why anyone would say a bunch of useless words that muddy up their intent.

My closing advice? Help Your Pet Autie ™️ (this is absolutely a tongue in cheek term btw) understand how you’d like to be communicated with, and guide us. BE SPECIFIC for fucks sake - we suck at guessing what you might want, and it’s so frustrating that we’ll often just stop communicating at all. Instead of saying “it hurts me when you say this”, try saying “the WAY you said this hurt my feelings because of ____. Maybe you could put it like this instead” (or, “you know, you should really just keep shit like that to yourself”) and *give examples*. Don’t expect us to come up with different ways of saying shit, because we don’t understand what it is specifically you want, and it’s not very logical, therefore it’s not “natural” for us. Plus, everyone is different. I can’t talk to one of my sons the same way I can talk to the other, without certain negative reactions. Give us a chance to know your needs - we DO CARE!!! - but be CLEAR. I know in your world, tact is a big deal, but MOST of us will miss the fucking point if you’re too tactful (and when we misinterpret, we always err on the side of worst case scenario, and make the issue wayyyyy bigger than it should be. Being clear is soooo important).

And hey. Maybe it’ll help clear up some communication in other areas of your life. Being clear isn’t a license to be a fucking asshole; nobody’s giving you a license to unleash on everyone about how much you can’t stand humans...if WE hafta be quiet about that, so do you lmao...fair’s fair. 😆 But quit hedging and hinting and hoping we will pick up on the whatever your grievance is - because we won’t. We’ll just know you’re unhappy, and start panicking over guessing what we did wrong, and just shut down, because we have no idea.

Just. Fucking. Say it. 😘

[depressoramblings]

TW: depression, eating disorder, self-harm

Today is a bad day. Everything feels off. Having to get up early in the morning whilst having fucked up sleep schedule sucks. What set off more, is being woken up mere minutes before the alarm. Technically it’s a small thing, but it feels like another small part of my life is taken over, another aspect of losing control.

Meals are torture. Let’s get a little bit of context - one month ago I managed to fall and broke sacral vertebra, now I take all meals standing up and whilst I’ve struggled with eating before the fracture, now it’s getting worse. As I have limited movements per doctors’ orders, my mom cooks. And whilst I’m endlessly grateful for her care, eating is challenge. I prolong time between meals for as long as possible without getting dizzy. Sometimes it feels like I’m chocking, even thought of having to get up and eat makes me nauseous.

I’ve always been picky eater (idk if it’s part of my potentially undiagnosed autism), but after dad’s death it has became somehow stronger and I’m too weak emotionally to try to fight through it. Eating some kinds of food became a struggle once more - sometimes it’s meat or chicken I struggle to swallow, chocking on it, sometimes just general thought of eating makes me feel quirky. And I can’t even talk with mom about so she can alter something at least for the time I’m temporarily disabled (or more disabled than usual). She will just say that I “put some childhood nonsense in my head and can’t grow out of it” and that I “nurture my issues instead of destroying them”.

Add to that constant pressure of necessity for making long term plans for life, while all I want is to graduate from med school (not sure if I really want to pursue career in medical field, though), move somewhere from hometown where everything reminds of losing dad and finally allow myself to look for girlfriend.

Moreover I feel like I probably need new therapist. Because I don’t feel like I can talk with current one about the fact I may be on the edge of developing eating disorder. Or maybe it’s just my distrust for “grownups” flaring up because they will tell me that “it’s all in my head”.

And mom put seeds of distrust to the therapy in my head, again. “Therapist makes people addicted to therapy, unable to live by themselves, depending on paid aid to make a decision”. And I’m kinda losing it. I’ve been working with current therapist for almost a year, and I don’t feel like I’m getting better. (Or maybe loss of the parent and one-month-long hospitalisation and long post-op recovery prior to that have to do sth with lack of the progress)

I’m just tired of it. Tired of trudging through existence, tired of pushing through day after day without seeing any shred of light ahead. It all seems hopeless and useless.

Today is a bad day. Maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe not. Maybe I’ll wake up in the morning and think that these doubts and fears and tiredness are stupid. But it will be tomorrow, or next week or next month. But today is a bad day and pretending it is not is fucking damaging

[redsandtemple]

Actually, I'm going to break down the response bc I'm bored and my personality is making drama apparently

Going in reverse order bc that's how I like addressing things.

Reminder to anyone watching this clown car that I'm talking about a real fucking person, and real fucking people here, in case the absurdity of the scenario was lost.

So, for the response given by @wy-oh-wy , let's get into it

Ableism part 2: electric bugaloo!

First I'm going to point out this paragraph:

"When they found out Scar was a disabled YouTuber (they did not know this, at first) they were amazed by how hard he worked and they were inspired to work harder, even though in my opinion, they already worked hard enough."

This is just, straight up disability inspiration porn thinking? I'm full willing to call this ableist, because this explanation just pedastals scar for being disabled. It's barely different from the barrage of youtube comments calling him "so strong and inspiring for being able to make content while wheelchair bound, haha, if I was in a wheelchair I'd die" lol?

“Recently, Rhayne had become physically disabled” so I AM right, this is internalized ableism? The fact that it is recent does nothing to further your point, and I could easily present this as something to further mine. Get better points lmfao

"The year before that, it was about autism awareness." Not my lane to be in, but since we've been in everyone else's already, I'm calling this one a red flag too considering the actual autistic community has been pushing for autism acceptance as how to present the scenario, but hey, I'm slicing cubed tomatoes at this point, so let's leave it at that.

"Their headcanon literally has nothing to do with disability or anything.  Scar is not the only character they hc as ace, either, like you have claimed.  It has nothing to do with disability.  ... You can cry internalized ableism all you want, but it’s not ableist to headcanon a disabled person as ace (which they aren’t, they’re talking about character Scar, not REAL Scar, hence why they talk about the characters with SCARS AND A CRIMINAL BACKGROUND when RYAN does NOT have scars and DOESN’T have a known criminal background)." I'll get to the latter half of this waffle in a bit but, for the record.

It is ableist to headcanon disabled "characters" as ace. I elaborated on it outside of the post, here specifically. I didn't call the other headcanons ableist bc it's not, it's in the fucking context lmfao. But here, I'll quote myself(quoting a friend) again:

“what you have to consider in all forms is the historical oppression and persecution of marginalized groups; this happens to be desexualization in case of this specific minority. yes, there is a “sexy cripple” mythos, i forget the word, but in general, borrowing from birdie’s analysis, is about autonomy.

real life people know if they are asexual because they are humans with free choice and thought, but headcanons are informed by the people who make them."

You! Are! Not! Exempt! From! Ableism! Because! You! Do! Charity! Work!

If you can't take criticism, you're also not a very good disability activist? If someone who's disabled (lika myself and the friend I'm quoting) says you're doing shit wrong then you're literally obligated to listen.

Most of this waffle you provided just is a mix of internalized ableism, regular ableism, and tangential points.

(Quick aside before I move on from this section: “I see joe as ace because i headcanon him as an android” is straight up fucking aphobia buddy. I don't even want to talk about the “It’s like saying that all villains cannot be minorities- it’s not homophobic or racist to have a gay or black villain” line because you clearly don't care about historical context anyways. You really wanna pull the race card? On an nbpoc? I can't even speak properly on the issue, why the fuck would you.)

Whatever. Continuing on

The argument on how the minecraft personas are not the person: this one is a fucking nuanced as hell discussion which I did not, do not, and will not ever get into the full semantics of but for consistency sake, I'm erring on the side of it mostly being an extension of the content creator, since you can't ever fully make a persona that doesn't at least partially represent aspects of yourself. Furthermore, I'm going to continue picking on the Scar example here and say that also holds true. The man literally makes wheelchair accessibility jokes in his hermitcraft videos (ie when he bought a chicken from stress and asked where the ramp was, then bringing up ADA compliancy before stress basically talked him up the ladder) but the fact that I have to do a deep dive analysis on some people who just want to have fun playing minecraft together is honestly really, really depressing.

I don't know who said it but forever ago someone once said "the hermits play scenarios, not characters." This is most of the reasoning as to why the end of "story arcs" on the server don't permantenly change the dynamics between the hermits. It's not meant to. This isn't mianite. If you want me to elaborate further, I'm willing to go through this in dms. But I think I've made my post clear.

What's left to cover

Well I think your credibility on this whole scenario is shit anyways considering you were willing to fake permission, your impatience in that regards shines through everything else about your character. You clearly haven't thought too hard about what's actually ableist since on behalf of rhayne you only managed to prove my point more, and the most difficult thing you managed to needle me on is a topic that everyone hates talking about. This whole response is sloppy and absolutely filled with logical fallacies, some which I didn't even bother with due to how little they had to do with the topic at hand.

Congrats, dm me for further conflict, I'm done.

[brightlotusmoon]

Hello! List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the ask box for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! Learn to know your mutual and followers! :3 (don't need to do it if you don't want to)

1. Neurotransmitters working correctly. I can't make my own so I use store bought, it's fine.

2. Cats. My cats. All cats. Kittens. I need a box of kittens, stat.

3. Fanfiction. Ninja Turtles fanfiction. Mikey fanfiction. Mikey angst fanfiction that gives him ADHD and psychic empathy and real emotional intelligence with epic wisdom. I've been doing this for thirty years don't make me stop now, it's how I cope. I love my sunshine child.

4. Chocolate. Preferably just plain milk or dark. Do you have any?

5. Being loved and loving in return. Hugs, give me hugs. It's dopamine, I crave it. Yes, I'm one of those autistics who loves hugs, big tight hugs that can soothe my ADHD crow brain because I get to focus on the shiny that is you rather than the shiny that is oh shit is that the depression shadow monster lurking back there.

-

I don't know who to tag but they're probably other people in the TMNT fandom. I dunno.

This fandom makes me happy. It's not toxic like some people assume, it never was, not in the thirty years I've been involved. It just occasionally has some folks who get brought in by newer iterations who start bullying thus spreading toxicity a little, usually over headcanons where the characters represent marginalized identities, which doesn't make any sense because these characters aren't even human and are animal based mutants specifically turtles which let's face it will do all sorts of bizarre things and don't need to be compared to humans who naturally fuck up each other just because someone doesn't look or behave certain ways.

I prefer corvids. And felines. And vulpines. My first real online fanfic OC* was a mutated calico cat human with my own disabilities and orientations and I made her into Mikey's best friend and then surprise lover and then surprise polyamory, because my writerbrain is Like That a lot.

I have a new OC who is a fennec fox humanoid mutant again same hat as the other and I wish I could eat strawberries all day and bounce around and nibble a person's hand to show I love them. I nibble my own hand when I'm anxious, but I'm autistic ADHD and that's stimming and it's my hand though. Oh, and a human OC, same hat, for another AU. Which reminds me that AU fics are Alternate Universe headcanons and not canon thus why the heckity hells do people threaten each other anyway, it's fantasy and we don't own it, we just play pretend and share it with each other in the hopes that we're not alone in wanting to commiserate all these nifty ideas and theories and squee when we connect and curl up when we get scolded; and the very fact that we get threatened because we have shared fiction ideas that will never work out in the real world is a sad fact I still can't wrap my head around, you would think after my literal twenty years on internet platforms I would understand everything but nah. Even the various official creators and different creators coming from fandom into franchise had the same thoughts and I remember the conversations where they said how confused they were too at fans trying to hurt each other, nobody took it so seriously. So I guess what makes me happy is seeing fans open up to each other, make creative content that resonates, rising above bullying that comes from the bullies' own fear and revulsion and hatred and conflation of ideas that shouldn't be the same but they're probably sheltered and naive anyway so I don't hate back, I was sheltered too and I'm still naive. And it's funny and weird how I easily lose working memory yet random long term storage memories keep surfacing. What makes me happy is that I still have a whole mind, full of stuff, brain all wrinkly with knowledge which makes me think of Jason from The Good Place talking about how smooth brains don't have much knowledge or information, and there goes my crow brain again, I really think I want to nickname ADHD and change it to Cognitive Attentive Tempo Syndrome, I have CATS in my brain, my brain is a Kinetic Cognitive Style room full of cats and there's toys everywhere.

I'm happy my disabled body is still standing and moving after forty years since my birth at 26 weeks back when nobody knew anything, and in a couple of months it'll be 41, and there will be even more information and education and I want to be a test subject, an example, of living fairly well past the life expectancy that they used to assume for cerebral palsy and for autism and for ADHD all separate so imagine it all at once, and the neoteny that comes with each, plus now EDS, and wow I'm giving myself so much serotonin just thinking all this, because there's also major depressive disorder that hell might be cyclothymia I dunno I'll talk to my doctors, and then there's temporal lobe epilepsy that a lot of people just die from at all ages, and I've become such an advocate and activist and alive and forever pro choice and autonomy, and my parents still adore the hell out of each other and me, and I'm teaching them through my advocacy just as they taught me, and I don't think I could ever do public speaking but maybe in a nursing college, a disability advocate speaker? Because there is always everything to learn and relearn and discover and uncover and it's important to be able to change our minds and our thinking and our habits and our coping strategies and our understanding of how things work because nothing is static everything progresses, even cerebral palsy which is surprisingly a thing that while static and progressive still leads to changing neurobiological and neuromuscular updates via neuroplasticity, my physical therapist calls me unique among all his patients, a Variable when there shouldn't be, and it makes me happy that we are discovering things about my neuropsychology and musculoskeletal system that nobody ever considered, and I want to be around to see medical science make all sorts of conclusions that could help others like me.

What makes me happy is learning, connecting, passing on knowledge, being cautiously optimistic in this nihilistic sense of how everything matters in the nothingness where nothing matters intrinsically but each small thing matters on the surface, extrinsic, how it is seen and felt and considered. People forget what existential nihilism supposed to mean. I may not matter in the totality, but I matter in the little bits that count for others like me, and that makes me happy.

[my-makeshift-masquerade]

Rymesona Chronicles - Mind Warp

(This is about my Rymesona which you can find drawings of on my blog. This may just be a cringey mess, but I think I did okay? Okay so maybe I like how this story is going and am enjoying exploring the theme of extreme desire for self improvement and debates regarding curing disabilities. The fact I am autistic fit so perfectly into this whole equation and I saw a lot of story potential, so I decided why not use the self insert and make this something insightful? Hope I did decently enough to make for an entertaining read at least...)

(Spoiler Warning: This is not really Rodger, so if someone is going to tell me I wrote him as a villain here, I did it on purpose.)

Rebecca woke up in a slight daze. The last thing she remembered was meeting Rodger Clifford, the son of Ryme City’s founder, at the train station. Her entire body felt limp, numb and heavy. In slight disbelief, she realized she must’ve been drugged. “R-ralts...?” Her voice quivered as she called out into the darkness for her emotional support pokémon, “A-are you okay...?”

“Rise and shine.” The voice of the charismatic politician echoed in the room, though she couldn’t see his smug face anywhere, “Don’t worry. Your pokémon will remain unharmed... as long as you comply with our demands.”

“D-demands...?!” She saw figures in white coats walk into her field of vision. Like clockwork, they hooked her up to a bunch of monitors tracking her vitals, and put a oxygen mask over her mouth and nose. The sensation of something long and sharp entering her vein was what finally got her body to flinch, but gloved hands promptly held her down.

“Let’s see how she reacts to the chemical first.” A voice said apathetically followed by the flipping of a switch.

A purple cloud traveled through the tube to the mask, forcing her to breathe in the strange smelling fumes. She quickly ended up choking on air and sneezing repeatedly, her body trying to reject the toxins. “Perfect response.” Another voice noted, “If she reflects most of the human population, this gas shouldn’t affect them.”

She gasped for air as soon as the mask was removed from her face, tears forming in her eyes. Before she could reorient herself, something else was already happening. The room felt like it was spinning due to how quickly the figures surrounding her forced her into an upright position. Luckily, she was still sitting, otherwise she might have fallen down on her face.

“W-what’s happening?!” Becca asked the white coats around her desperately, but got no response. When her vision focused she saw more clearly what these people were rolling her past. Greninja, seemingly lifeless and suspended in glass pods, covering almost every blank area in the halls. Her mouth hung open in horror. “M-mr. Clifford!” She tried once again to get someone to answer her.

“You’re doing great so far, sweetheart...” Condescension practically leaked from his voice, “You are about to help us discover the ultimate cure for all of humanity. Aren’t you excited?”

“W-what?” Her eyes widened, “What cure?!”

“The perfect cure for not only your autism, but my fathers degenerative disease.” His tone seemed to swell with pride, before he addressed another person, “Detective Goodman, you’re just in time to see the first test subject!”

A man with a pikachu on his shoulder ran into Becca’s line of sight, and both looked horrified, “What is going on here?!”

“Why! Progress, detective! What else?” Rodger responded, placing a hand on the man’s opposite shoulder, “This brave young lady is going to show humanity the path to greatness.”

“This is the girl that was reported missing this morning!” He became furious, “You kidnapped a disabled person!”

“Now now, don’t be so offensive, Mr. Goodman.”

“Let this kid go...or-”

“Or what?” The well dressed man glared, “She won’t be missed anyway. A necessary sacrifice for all of humanity to evolve past being such ...flawed creatures.”

“Pikachuuu!” The pikachu began to build sparks up in its cheeks, growling.

“Please control your pest.” Rodger hissed before turning to the doctors, “Bring the subject in. Let’s remind the detective of how much he has helped us...”

——

Becca was shivering in her restraints, suddenly all the pain was replaced with shock. Something metal was pressing against specific areas of her head, sending pulses into her skull. Just inches away from her was a glass sphere, and inside it was what many people her age only knew of from stories. The clone of the legendary Mew. It was being held captive, and it didn’t look like it was comfortable...

“Thanks to your detective work, Mr. Goodman, we have Mewtwo here to allow us to run these tests.” Rodger’s voice came through the speakers, “Don’t get too attached to either of them, now. Our hypothesis is that she will be killed by the cruel fury of Mewtwo almost instantaneously.”

Rebecca felt her blood run cold when she heard the last part, realizing that they were probably right. “Well.. I-I’d be furious too!” She retorted angrily, “L-Look at what you’re doing to it! N-no wonder it doesn’t like humanity when it is being treated like this! I-I know how it feels to be-“

“Awww... Are you trying to sympathize with it?” The charismatic voice sarcastically asked from the speakers, “You aren’t even a fully functioning human! Easy bait. Such a naive young lady, aren’t you. You think this vengeful creature is going to show you any kind of mercy?”

She suddenly felt her throat tighten, as a pair of intense eyes glared at her through the glass. Her heart stopped beating for what felt like forever, until she heard an announcement:

“Test one in progress.”

After that, Becca wasn’t sure what was happening. She heard the sound of herself screaming until her throat was raw. Then everything felt weightless. For a moment she thought she was dead, until she slowly worked up the courage to open her eyes, and she saw her own body convulsing behind a wall of glass.

Immediately she looked down, seeing purple three fingered hands where her normal ones should have been. She tried to remain still, pretend like she was still unconscious and hope things would be okay. That was when an unfamiliar voice echoed in the room.

“YOU HUMANS DISGUST ME...” She saw her own mouth open and use a voice that was definitely not hers, “REJECTING ONE OF YOUR OWN KIND FOR THE WAY THEY WERE BORN. ”

The accuracy of those words to her own life struck her as extremely unsettling. She wanted to make her possessed body shut up just so she wouldn’t have to face the reality of it all. That was how she felt sometimes... She felt tears begin to form in the eyes of this pokémon body she was stuck in.

“SO YOU ALL DO NOT EVEN SEE HER AS A FELLOW HUMAN...?” The voice inquired with an accusing tone, “VERY WELL... IF YOU DO NOT CARE FOR THOSE WHO RELY ON YOU MOST, THEN I SHALL...”

——

Becca slowly woke up, immediately looking at her hands to find they were indeed hers. The concerned chirping of a pokémon caught her attention.

“Ralts...” She hugged the pokémon tightly, “You’re okay...”

“Pika?”

The girl looked down to see a pikachu staring at her curiously, tail occasionally twitching.

“Bye...” She waved sheepishly, as the pokémon ran out the door after a man with a detective hat.

[lhazaar]

i just want like, a couple people on this website, and on twitter, to talk about vaccination by actually breaking down why it’s a thing, and why we do certain shots at X age and not Y, and how to read + interpret studies on efficacy and safety. if you run in generally left-leaning circles you’re probably not encountering people on tumblr who legitimately think that the mmr vaccine causes autism, but even if you are, you’re not changing their minds by screaming at them. and i’m not... like i’m not trying to come off like “oh don’t be mean online :(”, i’m saying that you’re shooting at completely the wrong belief

people who believe this are generally not thinking “the mmr vaccine will make my child autistic”. they are thinking “whoa, there’s a chance of complications, and i know a cousin/nibling/friend of a friend who had a complication after a vaccine, and i heard that inflammation might cause autism in kids, or seizures, or brain inflammation. so i’m going to be ‘safe’ and not give my kid that, because i’m scared of the risks”. or, sometimes, they’re thinking “i have no problem with vaccines individually, but i don’t really know how long they’ve been around or how they’ve been tested, and i don’t think that giving kids a whole bunch of shots at once is safe in the long term”. or “whoa, there’s mercury in these, that can’t be good and i’m scared of mercury poisoning in my kid, and nobody will tell me anything but ‘don’t worry it’s fine’”

you’re not countering that by shouting that vaccines don’t cause autism. they don’t, and we know that. but fully internalizing that requires people to understand 1) how vaccines work 2) how the wakefield paper was manipulated for the author’s agenda and 3) how to interpret scientific studies in general. they need background knowledge and scientific literacy that they flat-out do not possess. they need to be shown what a normal immune response to a vaccine looks like and what a severe complication looks like, and what the rates of the latter actually are, and—perhaps most crucially—how “science” is actively working to reduce rates of complication and make vaccines safer

i see people claim that the underlying belief behind antivax sentiment is universally anti-autistic ableism, and, like, that’s definitely a factor, and a huge one, but it’s also fear of disability in general, and distrust of “intellectualism” with its history of condescension to everyone who’s deemed Too Stupid To Understand What’s Best. you have to walk people through understanding this by making literature and scientific language more accessible without the pretentiousness. you have to get them to grasp that doctors don’t financially benefit from vaccinating their kids—and that the people claiming vaccines cause autism, or schizophrenia, or epilepsy, or multiple sclerosis, or ocd, or mad cow disease, those people financially benefit from stoking those fears. you have to get them to understand and really internalize how your nephew bobby developing a peanut allergy after being vaccinated doesn’t mean that the vaccine caused the peanut allergy

and initially i prefaced this post with “read the whole thing before you fucking yell at me again”, because the last time i talked about this i got some really lovely anons yelling at me to get vaccinated and calling me a public health hazard because i Dared to mention that i’m the child of an anti-vaxxer (the thing about not understanding long-term testing, above, that is my mom’s near-verbatim reasoning). which, like, yeah that’s another component of it—you’re yelling at someone who’s already on your side and has made up the vaccines they can, considering the whole multiple chronic illnesses thing (congrats on reminding me that my disabilities mean i don’t get to exist in public!), and the fact that you cannot make some of them up. but even if you push all of that aside and assume those were flyby dipshits with no personal context, you’d think it would have been obvious considering that i was talking about the motivations of anti-vaxxers that i had some kind of personal experience there, and obvious from the fact that i was criticizing those beliefs that i didn’t agree with them

and yeah, i’m an adult, if i get cranky enough i can turn off anon or whatever. but what are you achieving by posting death wishes for five-year-olds whose parents are medically neglecting them? what are you fucking doing yelling at the immunocompromised sixteen-year-old whose family has never taken them for preventative healthcare once in their life?

[kicks a trashcan over] give people the tools they need to make good decisions and stop making strangers disclose their health info to you online

[mistyeyedpea]

I've been feeling so stuck lately.

I ran a fever today, which honestly isn't unusual for me since I get low grade fevers from time to time. My body likes to freak out on me. Because I dont have a ln actual diagnosis for what I go through I feel like it drives me a bit nuts. I tell doctors what I can remember, but honestly I've lived.my whole life thinking most of the things I felt and experienced were normal and doctors are so uninterested, unmotivated and unwilling it makes the mundane task seem so painful. Its even more painful when you tell them for years you have these symptoms and they only write down what they think is necessary enough to explore. The rest is dismissed as being anxious, paranoid, dramatic... its ironic isn't it? How you go to get help and these very people continue to perpetuate the pain and suffering you go through. I wouldn't go down such spirals if I had answers.

The craziest part is when you have been doing research all your life, and having lived experience with chronic physical and mental conditions... but because I appear fine on the outside, to someone who doesn't know a this about me.... to deny me is absurd. I wouldn't designate a label that isn't meant for me, but this ableism in the medic field... it needs to stop. The stigmas need to stop. Doctors need to understand that its okay to not have all the answers. Whats not okay is harming them further by gaslighting, invalidating peoples lived experiences. Where is the compassion?

We as patients, as people, can be highly aware of our issues where as some arent. I happen to be someone who's highly self aware. I observe everything from sensations to what and how I feel... I monitor my own person. I once saw a post that said "having anxiety is being hyperspace of your own existence" and they really hit the nail on the head there. I feel my anxiety stems from be being highly sensitive to what I feel and my surroundings.. I feel anxiety is just a symptom of other conditions...

It drives me crazy that I am only realizing how many signs were missed. How did people not notice? I had to learn to adapt all my life on my own... immersed in it day by day I learned to survive. It hurts me almost everyday. Im learning to let go of this feeling. This feeling that I was a victim of the system that couldn't understand me, rejected me. It made it harder to understand myself throughout the years. But now I understand..

I know that as the years go by and im alive i learn more, and I know that doctors do too.

Despite all I have been through, and still continue to go though, I push through this painful existence hoping one day, ill actually be seen. And that ill be in the hands of a doctor who won't judge me when I tell them my concerns... cause I have many.

I literally stayed up all night the other night cause I couldn't sleep.. trying to remember to document articles of research I find trying to keep them saved on favorites. I often forget how to find the favorites page so I started a notes with the links.

I started doing this in the event a doctor tries to get smart with me... I truly don't have the patience or bandwidth for it anymore. They dont do it in a nice way. They do it in a condescending way. At least the people ive dealt with..

I am a person who was born female so naturally... this is fucking oppressive as is.

I tried talking to my mom about me being Autistic and having adhd, and how im finally accepting it because for years I had "episodes" which i now know, were fucking meltdowns.

I could go on about it, but I dont want to get off topic.

My mother asked me "wow so you finally got diagnosed?"

The last time I went to an Evaluation the man I met with was a total douche who told me I was a hypochondriac had conversion disorder and my anxiety was what was causing everything... He also went off my previous diagnosis and asked me very broad questions about their symptoms to which I replied yes or no... I met with this man for less than 20 minutes and he literally went off my old diagnosis.

He knew nothing about me other than what we talked about and my previous medical records. He made stigmatizing statements when I told him about my body pains and how its possible fibromyalgia, he said he doesnt diagnose women til their thirties.

When I mentioned that I suspect im autistic he basically laughed in my face and told me im not autistic and if I want to see "the autism room" so I can "see" what "autism looks like"

I didn't contact these people back for a long time after that because it took so long to process.... medical gaslighting is real. And gaslighting in itself is insidious as it makes our imposter syndrome so much worse. We question our own existence and realities which attributes to even more mental and physical anguish... psychologically so damaging and these people have no idea.

I think I may have a case with them.. but anyways...

I learned to live in this mind. In this body. In this life to the best of my knowledge and abilities. I have to remind myself its not my fault im chronically overwhelmed or feeling behind. Im coming to terms to the fact that I am disabled. I hate to limit myself, but I have to acknowledge this in order to accept myself and release the internalized abelism.

I have to accept that I never was and never will be like other people and that's okay.

I also need reminder that being diagnosed doesn't make you (autistic). Being (autistic) makes you (autistic).

I put autistic in parentheses because you can literally change it out and tweak it to fit almost any medical condition and it holds true.

Anyways im signing off. I think I've done enough ranting for the night.

Perhaps I'll rant again and plunge deeper. I try to not give to many details but as a neurodivergent person I can't help but go on tangents at times. I'll forget what I thought if I dont write them down, so letting my brain puke words is the best mental exercise I can give myself.

If I do end up seeing a therapist, it makes it alot easier to sort myself.

I have also been trying to orient my mind with art. I try to think of the art I can make .. but when the time comes, im blank. All these ideas for my mind to run into a wall...

Sometimes I wish I had a therapist as a friend.. or a psychiatrist.

It would be good to have someone invested in you the way a friend would ... signing off