#once I decide my period is over (day four so tomorrow)

[evansbby]

I’m finally out of my ugly phase yasss let’s goooo

[thewintersoldierdisaster]

a/n: hey there! i never actually planned on writing a sequel to ‘9 pm’ but a few anons asked about it and i liked the idea of giving them some happiness following that fic! the perfect title gave me the idea for the fic and here we are ☺️ i hope you guys enjoy!!

word count: 2.8k

tw: brief and minor mention of a miscarriage, pregnancy

direct sequel to 9 p.m. in vancouver

summary: andrei’s off on a road trip and you’re more exhausted than normal. once you realize why, you have to call andrei immediately

It’s barely ten at night and you’re falling asleep on the couch, Friends rerun playing at a low volume on the TV. Your blinks get longer, eyelids heavy, while Joey yells about the Coast Guard.

A yawn creaks at your jaw and you try to blink away some of the sudden exhaustion in your body. It doesn’t really work, another yawn catching you a few minutes later. You wrap your arms around one of the throw pillows, cheek smashed up against the pillow tucked under your head.

It’s been a long few days, work overwhelming you and Andrei up in the tri-state area for a mini road trip. The Canes had lost to the Flyers before beating the Devils. They’re currently up two goals on the Rangers, according to your NHL app updates, with just a few minutes left in the third.

The team will spend the night in the city before heading to Long Island for the second half of a back to back tomorrow.

It’s a grueling schedule so early in the season, four games in six days, and you know Andrei will be exhausted when he gets home on Monday morning. At least they’re off for two days before hitting the ice for a home game on Wednesday. You yawn again and decide vaguely that maybe you’ll go to the game, if you can keep your eyes open. It’s been a while since you went to the arena and you miss watching Andrei play live.

You can’t help but think briefly about the game in Vancouver last November, almost a year ago now, and your hand drifts to your stomach.

The baby would’ve been four months old, probably keeping you wide awake right now.

You don’t really think about the loss as much anymore, you can go long stretches of time without thinking about him - because you’d decided that it was a boy, even though it was too early to ever tell. Your due date had come around at the end of July and Andrei had spirited you out of the country, the both of you quiet and moody for a few days.

And then training camp had started and you’d gotten busy with work and then the season started and you didn’t dwell on the loss for a while.

But now it’s late and you’re tired and you haven’t seen Andrei in a few days and you should be cuddling a baby right now.

A few tears trickle down your temple and you swipe at them, emotion clogging your throat.

“God, get a grip,” you mutter to yourself, shaking your head slightly. It’s not even like you’re on your period to be so hormonal right now. Your brain takes a second to process the thought and when it does, your eyes widen and you kick your legs out, struggling with the blanket to try and sit up.

“Oh, oh my god,” you scramble for your phone, tossing blankets around until you hear the tell-tale thunk of the phone hitting the floor. You lunge for it, the TV remote going flying, but you barely pay attention to that as your fingers wrap around the loop on the back of your phone case and snatch it off the floor.

Your hands shake violently as you unlock your phone and thumb over to find your period tracker app. The app takes seconds to load, seconds where your heart beats wildly and your vision goes a little blurry. You mutter, “come on, faster, faster,” under your breath and suddenly the screen loads and there in the center of the screen, in bold font, is the notice that your period has been late for more than thirty days.

You’ve missed two periods.

Without even realizing it.

To be fair to yourself, after the miscarriage, everything was thrown off and you’ve only had seven or eight periods in the past year. So it’s not totally crazy that you didn’t realize you missed two cycles.

Your stomach lurches a little bit and you chew at your lower lip. You probably should take a test. But do you want to know without Andrei, again?

It didn’t work out so well last time.

You’re probably not even pregnant, you rationalize, it’s the stress of a new season starting and your body getting back to normal.

Never mind the fact that you’ve long been cleared to get pregnant again and your gynaecologist hadn’t said anything was wrong at your last appointment.

Your phone vibrates in your hand, nearly scaring the shit out of you. It’s just a notification from the NHL app - sometime in the last few minutes, while you’d been spiralling, the Rangers had tied the game and it was going to overtime.

Overtime anxiety is better than maybe-pregnant anxiety, so you tune into Bally, the sudden brightness of the glare off the ice making you blink. You’re half-heartedly paying attention, fingers tapping against your thigh while the players zip up and down the ice, trading scoring chances. Andrei’s on the ice for a shift and then he’s back on the bench. Pyotr makes a save and then another and then he doesn’t.

You frown at the TV, watching Andrei and the guys file off the ice, miserable for the team’s loss. You change the channel back to Nick at Nite, not interested in seeing the post-game analysis of the loss.

The audience laughter from the show echoes around the living room and you chew at your lower lip anxiously. Andrei won’t be back to his hotel room for hours, the post-game process already underway, but between media, a shower, and the travel. Well, it’ll be at least close to midnight before you can talk to him.

He’ll reassure you that you’re overthinking, that it’s nothing. But a quiet part of your brain is insistent that you’re pregnant and it just won’t shut up.

The smartest thing would be to take a test, find out once and for all if you’re even going to mention anything to Andrei. You’re pretty sure there’s no tests left after last time and if there are, they’re probably expired.

Your fingers tap at the screen of your phone almost by memory, the Google search showing that there’s a twenty-four hour CVS just a ten minute drive away.

The episode ends and another begins while you sit on that information, giving yourself a moment to imagine what you’ll do if the test is positive. He has to know immediately this time, you don’t think you’d be able to wait.

“Oh fuck it,” you mutter to yourself, pushing the blankets off your legs and getting up from the couch. Your vision goes fuzzy, briefly, the blood rushing from your head. You blink and everything shifts back into focus, your heart hammering a little.

Before you can overthink it, you turn off the TV and head for the front door, making a stop at the front hall closet to grab a jacket. Your fingers close around the sleeve of one of Andrei’s, the jacket dwarfing your frame as you slip your arms into the sleeves. You shove your feet into a ratty pair of Uggs and drop a faded Canes ball cap on your head.

You look insane, more like a college kid doing a walk of shame than a married woman, but Andrei’s scent embedded deep into the collar of his jacket is comforting you.

At CVS, you grab at the pregnancy test boxes like a woman possessed - Clear Blue, First Response, and the CVS generic brand all go into your basket, along with a bag of pumpkin shaped Reese’s Cups and a pack of Twizzlers. Something about the waxy, artificial strawberry ropes seems appealing right now.

Thank God for self-checkout, you don’t think you can face another person right now.

The pregnancy tests feel like they weigh a million pounds in the plastic bag and you gnaw anxiously on a Twizzler as you drive back home.

It’s well after midnight by the time you manage to drink enough water in order to pee on all the sticks and this round is more anxiety producing than when you’d done it over a year ago. Once you’re done, you set the timer on your phone and flip each stick over on the counter, so you can’t see the displays.

Instead of waiting in the bathroom, which is feeling small and stuffy despite how large it actually is, you pace around your bedroom for the few minutes it takes for your timer to count down. You wonder if you could call Andrei now, be on the phone with him when you look at the display, but if you’re not pregnant and he’s on the phone, he’ll be disappointed right before the next set of games. He’s been talking about it a little more lately, in the abstract, how nice it’ll be to have a baby one day. And you maybe haven’t been as enthusiastic as he’s been, so you don’t want to get his hopes up.

If you’re not pregnant, Andrei doesn’t need to know that you worried yourself into a tizzy over nothing.

But if you are? Well, Andrei will be the first call anyway.

The timer goes off on your phone and the sudden, shrill noise makes you jump. Your stomach lurches and you flatten your palm over it. Underneath the anxiety, there’s a little bubble of excitement growing, the thought of a baby providing a little spark of joy.

You wander back into the bathroom and close your eyes before flipping the tests over with shaking hands.

The plastic clatters against the countertop and you squint one eye open and then the other, vision focusing on the little displays.

“Oh!” You gasp, eyes immediately filling with tears, hands flying up to cover your mouth.

All three are positive, the little Clear Blue display declaring you ‘Pregnant’ in tiny letters.

Tears slip down your cheeks and you start giggling wildly, overwhelmed in the best possible way. Your hands press on your stomach, palms flat and fingers splayed.

“Hey there, baby,” you murmur, looking down. “Stay safe in there, okay? We want to meet you.”

The tears fall faster and you wipe at them with your shoulder, a damp splotch forming on the fabric of your sweatshirt. It’s so late, but you need to tell Andrei, and you move on autopilot, climbing onto your bed and finding your phone among the messy covers - the bed hasn’t been made in two days because Andrei is more of a stickler for that than you are and you like to get right back into the nest of blankets at the end of the day. It’s on your list of things to do before he’s back in a few days. Now, you pile yourself into a little cocoon of the blankets and comforters, warm and happy.

You text him first, just a quick ‘you awake?’ that you know he’s going to read as a request for phone sex.

True enough, your phone vibrates in your hand a few seconds later, Andrei’s name at the top of the screen. You grin and slide the bar to answer, “hey there.”

“Is late,” he replies, a faint laugh in his tone. “Thought you would be sleeping.”

“No,” you giggle, feeling a little unhinged. “Not asleep. Couldn’t sleep. Um, are you alone?”

Your husband laughs fully now, the sound echoing over the line. “Solnyshka, been a long day. I love you, but we have early morning,” he teases and the rumble of his voice makes you smile.

“No, not for that you perv,” you shoot back, twisting your fingers in a loose thread. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

You know you’re sounding vague and strange, but to his credit, Andrei doesn’t call you out on it. Instead, he’s quiet for a second before your phone vibrates against your ear, signalling an incoming text. You pull the phone from your ear and tap over to your messages, laughing when you see the picture Andrei just sent.

The hotel room is nearly pitch black, but you can still make out the shape of Martin Nečas passed out in his bed with what looks like an eye mask covering his face. Andrei’s grinning face is cut off in the corner of the picture.

“Guess that’s a yes then,” you smile, bringing the phone back to your ear.

“Neci has earplugs in too,” Andrei informs you. “Says I snore, which is lie.”

It’s not, but you don’t feel like relitigating that particular point with him right now. So you move on.

“I know I should’ve waited, done something cute, but I’m bursting,” you let the words come out in a rush, feeling lightheaded with excitement. “I couldn’t, I had to tell you right away, Drei, baby, I’m pregnant.”

Andrei’s silent on the other end and a slightly manic laugh bubbles out of your mouth while you wait for him to say something.

“Pregnant?” He repeats, sounding like he’s just taken a blow to the stomach - winded and hoarse. “Like, with baby?”

“Yeah, mhm,” you hum, just letting the news soak in. Andrei’s breathing is audible in your ear, a soft ‘huh’ puffing out.

He starts to laugh and you can hear the grin in his voice when he says, “oh, solnyshka, fuck, I’m… ya chertovski schastliv.”

He slips into Russian and you’re not totally familiar with the words, but he repeats them in English, “I’m so fucking happy. Are you okay? How you feel?”

“I’m okay, I was feeling a little tired earlier,” you say. “That’s kind of why I took the test, just to see.”

Without asking, Andrei switches the call to a FaceTime and you pull the phone back, his grinning face taking up the entire screen. He looks lighter and happier than he has in months and the sight of him, of that smile that you love so much, makes you emotional.

“I wish I could kiss you,” he shakes his head, still smiling. “Hold you, something other than smile like idiot on phone.”

“I’m just happy to see your smile,” you say truthfully. A hug wouldn’t be unwelcome, but just seeing Andrei’s face has you calmer. “It’s late,” you continue, catching sight of the time in the top left corner of your phone - nearly 1:30 in the morning. “You should get some sleep.”

The adrenaline is starting to wear off now and you slump back against the pillows and headboard.

Andrei nods. “Call me when you get up,” he requests, phone bouncing slightly as he shifts on the bed. “We leave early, but call any time, okay?”

“Okay,” you promise, pressing your lips together to smother a yawn. “Hey, I love you.”

“Ya tebya lyublyu,” Andrei replies in Russian, warm and awed. “You and baby, both.”

You’re both quiet for a bit, comfortable and sleepy, reluctant to end the call. You just want to enjoy his long-distance presence and this little bubble, but eventually Martin lets out a snore on his side of the room, startling you since you forgot he was there. Andrei laughs faintly and reluctantly ends the call, after telling you he loves you again.

Now that Andrei knows, your whole body relaxes and you sink happily into the nest of blankets and pillows, curled up in a c-shape, one hand on your stomach.

There’s a million things to figure out in the coming days, weeks, and months, a million worries to ruminate on, but for now, you fall asleep with a smile on your face and pure happiness bubbling in your stomach.

The next morning, you snooze your alarm and allow yourself to wake up slowly and lazily. It’s an easy morning and you don’t plan on getting out of bed until you hear the doorbell ring.

With a grumble, you climb out of bed and shove your feet into a pair of slippers to pad downstairs, wondering who could be at the door this early.

It’s a delivery man, half-hidden behind a huge bouquet of flowers. You accept it, surprised at the delivery but not at the sender.

The oversized bouquet made up of baby roses, baby’s breath, and a few other types all in various shades of baby pink and baby blue can only be from your husband. Your face hurts from the size of your smile and you dig out the little card from between a pale pinks rose and a light blue hydrangea.

‘I love you, we will celebrate as soon as I am home. A hug and a kiss from New York for you, mama. -A’

It’s not Andrei’s handwriting, but you trace your fingers over the letters and feel tears well up. Any concerns or worries you might have about having a baby are pushed aside.

Andrei’s going to be the best dad and you’re so lucky to be doing this with him.

[cuttergauthier]

New Jersey Two

Jack Hughes x Female Reader

This is chapter Two of Four

Can read chapter one here

Warning: Ex, fluff, cursing, Non supportive parents? Let me know if i missed any.

This has been in my draft for a while, I finally finished it.

word count: 1.4k

let me know what you guys think🤍

I just got to my apartment, thankfully I was able to find a beautiful affordable apartment that was fully furnished. It was now 8 p.m. and I was starving so I decided to order some pizza, for how late it was the wait was still 45 minutes.

While I was waiting for my pizza to get here, I took a quick shower since I was just in a plane. I changed into some comfy grey sweatpants and a tight white long sleeve shirt. I threw my hair in a bun I was too exhausted to wash it tonight, so I’ll just do it tomorrow when I wake up.

Once I was ready the I heard a knock on the door, I opened the door I paid the delivery boy and closed the door.

I sat down on my couch and turned on the tv and started to eat. I put on my brother’s hockey game since Ottawa was playing Calgary tonight. They were leading 2-1 in the second period.

I continued watching the game until it was over. Ottawa won 3-1 so I texted my brother to tell him congrats. I threw away the trash and went to bed. I could worry about everything else tomorrow I was too exhausted to worry about anything else right now.

The next morning, I woke up refreshed so I jumped in the shower. Thankfully I still had another two week before class started, I wanted to make sure I could settle in and find my way around the city before I got busy with classes. Once I got out of the shower and got ready for the day, I looked on google to try and find a coffee place that was close since I got in late last night I didn’t have the chance to go get groceries.

I found a place that was only a five-minute walk so I grabbed my purse, jacket and keys and made my way to the coffee shop. I got myself a small breakfast and a cold brew before sitting down at the table next to the window.

New York was beautiful especially during winter, it was snowing today, and it was beautiful. I looked up nearby grocery stores, and once I was done eating, I made my way there, thankfully the grocery store was only 10 minutes from my apartment, so it wasn’t hard walking back.

Once I got back to my apartment, I unloaded my groceries and forgot that I needed to buy some utensils since I had none, I found a store, but it was a little further away, so I ordered an uber.

Thankfully it wasn’t a long drive, once we got to the store, I paid the uber and went inside to do a little shopping. I spend about an hour there before calling another uber to go home. I found everything I needed, I was finally adulting, when I was in Michigan my parents’ house was close enough to campus so I would just drove to campus when I had classes.

The day was coming to an end, so I made myself diner and facetime some family and friends for a while. Then I thought I should facetime Luke and tell him what I did today. Luke has always been like a little brother to me, he can be annoying, but I love him regardless.

“Hey sis, how was your first full day in New York?”

“pretty good, I went and bought groceries and then went to the store to buy some utensils so I could actually make myself some food” I said which made him laugh

“You’re getting old sis” he said which made me gasp

“shut up Luke, I’m only 2 years older than you” he was smiling

“I’m glad you’re happy”

“me too”

“you should really think about telling Jack, he’d be happy to see you”

“Luke…”

“I know you don’t want to see him, but he’s my brother and I know he misses you, he asks about you every time I talk to him”

“If I ever see him around I’ll talk to him, but I really don’t want to have to call him or text him to let him know I’m here”

“fine… I have to go it’s getting late and I’m exhausted, so good night I’ll talk to you later, love you”

“love you too lukey”

He was right it was getting late, so I went to bed happy for a successful first day in New York and excited for another one tomorrow.

Today I was going to go to time square and explore New York. I’ve always dreamed of living in New York and now I’m finally here.

I got ready for the day and ordered an uber. The uber driver got me to time square and I couldn’t believe how beautiful it was.

I thanked the driver before he left and I started exploring the city. I found some stores I loved and made my way inside, I might as well shop since I’m here.

I bought a few new pieces of clothing and I didn’t need but they were to cute not to buy, as I made my way out of the last store time square was already packed and I bumped into someone’s chest.

“Dude you really need to start watching where you’re going” some guy said laughing

“Nate shut up it’s not my fault” someone said, and I recognized his voice it was Jack.

I looked up and saw Jack I didn’t think I’d run into him especially in Time Square. He looked at me and I saw him freeze. He was with who I assume are some of his teammates.

“Jack you okay man” who I recognize as PK Subban, Jack snapped out of it making him look at PK then back at me.

“Y/n?” he said in disbelief

“Hey Jack… long time no see” I said shyly

“yeah, no kidding, what are you doing In New York?”

“We’ll let you guys talk, were going to go to Sunglass hut” another one of the guys said before they walked away.

“umm… you want to walk and we can catch up while we do so?” I ask nervously

I didn’t know if he would say yes, and I honestly didn’t know if I was hoping he’d say yes or if he’d say no.

“yeah that sounds good, I can catch up with the guys later.” He said with a small smile

“So what brings you to New York? Are you here with some friends for new years?” he asked curiously

“um… no i’m actually here alone… I finally convince my parents to let me move to New York so I could go to Columbia university.” I said smiling

His eyes widen with a smile making its way on his face.

“Really? That’s amazing you always wanted to go to Columbia” he said happily

“Yeah, I got them to agree so I transferred I got here 2 days ago, I’ve always wanted to live here so I thought I’d explore the city”

“I’m happy for you, it’s about time you follow your dreams. How come you didn’t tell me you were moving here?” he asked lowkey hurt

“honestly I don’t know, we haven’t seen each other in over a year, so I thought maybe you wouldn’t want to know… even though every told me to tell you” I replied

“Of course, I would have wanted to know. You have no idea how much I’ve missed you. You were my girlfriend and best friend, I’ll I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy” he said which made me smile

I had missed him too; he was my person every time I had good news or bad news, he was the first person I wanted to tell. He’s been in my life since we born, there’s nothing I wouldn’t have done for him and him for me.

“I missed you too” I replied smiling

“Well now that we are close by we can catch up”

“definitely”

We kept walking and talking we stopped at a coffee shop, we sat down and talk for a little while before he got a call.

“I have to go, but you have my number use it” he said smiling

He gave me a hug before leaving. I finished my coffee before deciding it was time to go back to my apartment.

I went to bed happier than ever, I thought I’d be sad to see him again, but I couldn’t be happier.

[charis23]

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A Melody of You & Me

Rated: E. Words: 64k. By: academicdisaster

Draco Malfoy has a Christmas choir competition to win, and Harry Potter has an orphanage that needs funding. When Luna Lovegood intervenes, they agree to help each other out: Harry will join the choir if Draco chooses to sponsor his charity.

But agreeing to work together also means getting to know each other again - in new and unexpected ways.

Ft. a chaotic festive choir, scheming friends, a healthy dose of mental health issues, one very irritating ex, and boys learning how to love and be loved.

Everything Black

Rated: T. Words: 66k. By: General_Jellyfish

If you had a chance to do it over again, make things better, would you take it?

or

Harry fakes it 'til he makes it.

OR

Harry -somehow- accidentally goes back in time.

The Pain We Share

Rated: T. Words: 223k. By: Aili_Souma

Draco Malfoy had been sick almost his entire life, or at least he thought so, until words started to form on his skin: I must not tell lies.

As it turned out, there were still a lot of secrets from the first war to uncover. How exactly Draco was going to get out of the mess he apparently inherited, was also still to be discovered.

The Bolthole

Rated: E. Words: 54k. By: aideomai, Tepre

Harry is a hoarder, Draco is grief-stricken, and both are capable human adults who can definitely spend a month in a cottage in the Cotswolds together without ever talking about the time they slept together in eighth year. Yeah, no, totally.

Five Weddings and a Potions Accident

Rated: E. Words: 19k. By: lauren3210

In which Harry thinks he’s a playboy, everyone else knows better, and Hermione will kill Seamus if Ron tries to collect on that bet.

Harry Potter and the Future He Doesn’t Really Want, Thanks

Rated: E. Words: 70k. By: orphan_account

It was addictive, the feeling of Draco Malfoy telling him things in a soft voice early in the morning. Harry felt like he was taming a wild animal, or petting a cat that hated everybody else. This train existed outside of time, that was the only explanation Harry could come up with as to why Malfoy was actually having a civil conversation with him right now.

That Old Black Magic

Rated: E. Words: 77k. By: bixgirl1

Centuries ago, marriage contracts were the norm — ready-made alliances between families, expected and complied with, without complaint. But norms have a way of changing, and when a long-dormant contract flares to life, Harry has to navigate an unexpected splintering of the path he'd thought would be easy after the war... with Draco Malfoy.

(Arranged marriage trope but they hate each other at first)

[iantimony]

tuesday yet we persevere

what a week lads

listening up to partizan 18. the exchange of jack: "is inertia when you're stopping or going?" austin, very confidently: "it's when you're going" had me shouting NO at my phone, thank god art chimed in to clarify and actually define inertia. i love you art. been listening to a lot of breaking benjamin while i marathon-focus on trying to finish my poster by. tonight. yeouch.

reading fallow

playing pokego! it's become my fun little morning activity while i lay in bed waking up. like. ok i need to be awake. i will drowsily catch the 3 pokemon that spawn around me and spin the pokestop across the street. ok time to get out of bed i guess.

watching hbomberguy new four hour video reigns supreme. i've had it on periodically while i do chores, cook, etc.

making pottery! basically everything came out of the kiln at once! some finished objects:

the mugs (more like teacups, really, shrinkage strikes again) came out cute, despite the orange one getting a crack in the handle. i really love the way the white bowl came out with the koi, i'd put lillypads inside but they really didn't show up at all so i didn't bother photographing. that little black vase was done with a dark blue glaze that came out. black. so i probably did too many layers, plus it was on red clay, so oops. the little ramekins came out cute, i tried one of the stoneware glazes on the left one and it came out really matte which surprised me, but otherwise some standard lil bowls! and finally i hate the striped object behind the ramekins. i forgot to cover it up after making it and didn't get to trim it before it was bone dry so i just had to let it be was it was so it's really bottom-heavy. and i hate the way the glazed stripes came out. such is life. my roommate likes it so i might give it to her LOL.

dragon mug underglaze came out interesting!!! i used two different brands of underglaze and one of them came out. shiny?? so putting clear normal glaze over that texture proved a real challenge, especially for the handle. i used another underglaze (a chocolate brown, same as the one on the handle on the right) to fill in the background/inside/some linework details, then covered the whole thing in clear, so we'll see how that turns out! the little tree teacup i just covered in clear and put back on the kiln rack, i didn't want to add anything else to it, it came out sooo cute :)

did more underglaze stuff on two bowls, eye motif!!! one as a scratched out and one as painted on. excited to see how they go for the first firing. i had some Big bowls to trim and they were still a little wet but i was like eh i bet i can. i could not. look how i've massacred my boy (bottom left). it totally spun off the wheel but thankfully it's still soft enough that i was able to just sorta nudge it back into a circular shape. i did ragequit trimming for that day because of it though and did the eye underglaze work instead hahahah. hopefully will be able to trim them on wednesday! it's just so dang cold in the area where the pottery is stored to dry out so it takes forever in the winter.

finally, i finished the winter headband for my roommate's mom last night! image is not the finished one, i forgot to take a picture yesterday but i'll just do that after i block it later this week. i took the photo a few days ago because i actually made a mistake in the pattern and was trying to judge how obvious it was and whether or not to go back 10 rows and redo it. i don't think it's that obvious so i decided to keep going. can you spot the mistake :b

misc oughhh aughgghghgh academic poster. my advisor was really difficult to communicate with yesterday but made up for it this morning. her husband stressed me out for no reason but it's fine. i think i can finish it before the poster session tomorrow but odds are in the air as to whether i can get it Printed before the poster session tomorrow. woof. and then i need to figure out what i'm wearing at this conference and pack by friday.

[apprenticestanheight]

heyheyhey!! someone wish me luck on getting the job I have an interview for tomorrow plsplspls

to convince you to wish me luck I have developed the pros and cons list of what will happen if I do get the job (I am also doing this for myself to really convince myself that I can DO THIS)

pros:

job = money

money = laptop after like two paychecks

laptop after two paychecks = more writing from yours truly (I am typing this while staring at my tv screen bc I use writing as a coping mechanism and located an HDMI cable which is also some of the reason requests have been on the slower end--I have to have my glasses on in order to see on such a big screen. I am typing this sentence while not wearing them to test how bad it is and i have to squint like I'm at the back of the room to see the screen less blurrily)

fixed term contract (seems like a con but stay with me) means I'll only be working like, 10-12 weeks which yeah not so great BUT I get experience and experience means more consistent 9-5 later on, plus if I save money while I work (aside from laptop that is a necessary purchase bc again, if I have to stare at my tv screen for another six months there will be tears and begging while I point desperately at my currently opened commissions) then I can have a bit of a backspace to fall on, yk?? like. if I ever decide I want something when I'm not working or if I need to buy more like?? bodywash?? idk, I don't have to crawl to my dad like "heyheyhey scary 5'8-ish adult man, I will do the dishes, clean the fridge AND the pantry for the low low price of $40 when you also happen to get paid"

will get me out of the house! I am stuck here all except for maybe once or twice in between the pay periods of my parents (they are my rides everywhere and they get paid biweekly so when they go for groceries I'm like HEY LET ME COME I WANNA EXPERIENCE EXTERNAL AIR PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEE) and getting to leave the house and work with the people I'll be working with will also significantly reduce my anxiety, which I have to talk to my dr about putting me on meds for bc it has become debilitating.

I ONLY WILL WORK LIKE, 3-4 DAYS A WEEK!! The shifts are SUPER LONG which yeah not great but its a 40 hour week and that money will be good money (which I will put into a savings account that will build interest!!)

MONEYMONEYMONEYHONEYYYYYYY!! It adds up pretty quickly and making a dollar and fifty cents above minimum wage will mean that I'll be getting close to a thousand dollars if they pay me biweekly and close to five hundred if they pay me every week. 500-1000 dollars is a lot of money for a new laptop but also,, also a lot of money for a gym membership plus treats of both the caffeine and the liquor store variety (I will be nineteen in three weeks and feel like weed will be a better experience than alc was. I had fun that night but if I ever cry over not having enough money to order pizza again pls just glare at me)

work experience!! This job is a fixed contract job (I am starting to sound like a broken record with this oops) so it'll be less than half a year but it STILL WORKS!! Plus it'll be a good lesson and help me decide whether or not I want to pursue a career in working in old folks homes and if I can handle doing so for twelve hour days for the rest of my life. It'll be a learning experience that I can add to my resume and help me decide which jobs I'll either look towards or away from once I start looking for a job after the contracts fixed term is completed.

cons bc I am in fact thinking of those

working 3-4 days a week is great, right?? right?? yeah that part is where the goodness of the work schedule will kind of stop off bc yeah, three days on four days off is amazing but I'll be working 7-7. I also unfortunately happen to know myself and I know myself well enough to know that having to go into work at seven in the morning will result in me waking up at half past five in the morning to get ready and drink either an energy drink or three cups of coffee. I also like staying up until midnight so I will be stubbornly running on five hours of sleep lol.

occasionally needing to work weekends isn't that bad but its just--I can be a morning person during the week with an energy drink or three cups of coffee and those things only. On the weekends I sleep in late and I make coffee anyway bc its my routine, but waking up at 5:30 for a weekend shift is going to have me hangry and exhausted by noon.

the only other con that I can think of for this is that the twelve hour shifts could send me into burn out very very quickly. On the one hand I keep telling myself "yeah you'll work 36 hours in three days BUT you'll also have four days to sleep the burn out off and engage in hobbies that make the burn out easier to handle" but on the other I just--I know myself well enough to know that two and a half months of burn out from working twelve hour shifts through to the end of march could have me fully burnt out until the middle of may. I just keep wondering if the fact that I'm gonna be making a dollar fifty above minimum wage for two and a half months is really worth the exhaustion both physically and mentally lol.

[captainlilyuniverseworld]

3 Months

Over the course of three months Barnaby and Kotetsu closer and learn more about each other's scars, both physical and psychological after Kotetsu has to move in with Barnaby following a major surgery after a mission. Barnaby does his best to help Kotetsu as best as he can, wanting to return the sentiment for all the times Kotetsu has helped him.

But when both men are stubborn and wear masks it's easier said then done. Luckily they've got friends, and each other.

a/n: I wanted to do a little fic exploration, both of Kotetsu and Barnaby learning more about each other being confined to a small space for a long period of time while so looking at the otherside of Kotetsu that we don't often see. Full story will be on AO3 but i thought id share the first chapter here ♥

I

“Why can’t I stay at my apartment?” Kotetsu frowned and crossed his arms over chest. 

Barnaby crossed his arms over his chest and looked pointedly at the bright blue cast that covered nearly his entire left leg. 

“Do you really think you can sleep on your couch for three to four months?” Barnaby asked. “Or climb up and down the stairs to your bed?” 

“Well…it’s not like my couch is uncomfortable,” Kotetsu replied. “I’ve slept on it before.” 

“And complained about a crick in your neck for the next three days after,” Barnaby reminded him. “It’s already been decided you’ll stay with me once you’re released from the hospital.” 

“What? Bunny no, I can’t do that,” Kotetsu shook his head. “What about your solitude? And according to the doctor, I’d have to be with you at least a few months. That's…that’s a long time. I could just go home, use my vacation time.” 

“Isn’t your mother planning to take Kaede on a vacation during her school break for a few weeks? And doesn’t your brother work?” Barnaby asked. 

“Well yeah but…” Kotetsu shrugged. “I’m a grown man. I can look at myself.” 

“Are you that opposed to staying with me?” Barnaby frowned a little. 

“No but…three months? Are you sure you’re willing to do that?” Kotetsu asked. 

“I wouldn’t have offered it if I wasn’t,” Barnaby answered. “Lloyds has already approved my request for a week off while you’re on bedrest, and I can work from home a few days a week to make sure you don’t injure yourself further when you no doubt attempt to do more than you should.” 

“Got it all planned out don’t you?” Kotetsu sighed but smiled a little. 

“Consider it me returning the favor from all the times you’ve helped me,” Barnaby replied. He stood up and picked up his jacket. “I’ll go by your place and pick up some clothes and essentials for you. Once your bedrest is over we can go back and see if there’s anything else you’d like to bring with you.” 

“Do you need my keys?” Kotetsu asked. 

Barnaby pulled them out of his pocket. “Already got them. Get some rest alright? I'll be back tomorrow.” 

“Hey um…Thanks Bunny,” Kotetsu told him. “I’ll try not to get on your nerves too much.” 

“I doubt that, but I appreciate the thought,” Barnaby smiled a bit. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“ So, gonna be staying with Barnaby huh?” Antonio asked. “ Should I get your casket ready now? Or give it a few weeks?” 

Kotetsu rolled his eyes and picked at a loose thread on the hospital blanket. “I’m not that bad of a house guest. And I’ve been to Bunny’s place before, even stayed the night.” 

“ Yes, after you’ve passed out drunk from drinking too much beer and wine,” Antonio pointed out.

“Okay…Fair point,” Kotetsu sighed. 

He tried to lean back but the pillows he was propped up against made it a bit difficult. So he only managed to lean back a few inches at best. 

“ Well I’d offer to let you stay with me, but, we know how well that went last time,” Antonio replied. “ Listen, I'm sure it’ll be fine.” 

“Yeah…yeah you’re probably right,” he nodded. 

“ You sure you’re alright? I know it’s late, but I could swing by, sneak in some bad food,” Antoio offered. 

“No, it’s late, and the nurse is gonna swing by again to check on my leg, she’ll smell the hamburger grease a mile away,” Kotetsu told him. “But thanks for the offer.” 

“ Three months are gonna fly by, and you’ll be back before you know it,” Antonio told him. “ Call me when you get settled in. Maybe we can convince Barnaby to invite the group over for some drinks.” 

“That sounds great Antonio, I’ll talk to you later,” Kotetsu smiled a bit. 

He hung up and set his cell phone on the small table next to the hospital bed. He tried to get more comfortable but between his leg being held up, and the pillows he was propped up against to avoid rolling over, he was stuck. 

“Guess I got three months of having the straightest spine in existence right?” He pulled the blanket up and tried to get as comfortable as he could before closing his eyes and trying to sleep. 

***

“Oh, you’re awake,” Barnaby blinked a little surprised as he walked into Kotetsu’s hospital room. 

“I couldn’t really get comfortable enough to sleep,” Kotetsu shrugged and sat up a bit. “Between the nurses coming in to make sure I haven’t developed a concussion, or rolled over in my sleep…and ya know,” he motioned to the hospital room. “What’s in the bag?” 

Barnaby nodded as he set down the bag he’d brought with him. “I brought you a change of clothes. The nurse said it’d be alright and I thought it might make you feel a bit more comfortable.” 

“I…thanks Bunny, that’s, that’s really thoughtful of you,” Kotetsu smiled. “They’re a lot less itchy than this hospital gown I’ll tell you that much. Oh…but uh, how am I gonna manage pants with the cast?” 

Barnaby pulled out a pair of shorts. “At least one silver lining is that it’s almost summer. Would you like some assistance or…?” 

“I think I can manage, but uh…maybe stay close, just in case?” Kotetsu asked. 

Barnaby nodded and pulled out the shirt he’d brought along with him, while Kotetsu started to remove the hospital gown being mindful of all the tubing he was still hooked up to. The shirt was easy enough, he’d grabbed a semi-random button up t-shirt that was blue with little pineapples on it. 

The shorts were black and knee length. They were wide legged so he figured they’d be easier to slip on over the cast. He stayed close but didn’t hover, and busied himself with seeing what he semi-blindly grabbed from the other man’s apartment. 

Toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, socks, shoes, well, one shoe. Hat. 

“Um…Bunny, could you give me a hand?” Kotetsu asked. “I can’t get my other leg.” 

Barnaby looked over and saw that he had one leg through the right pant leg while he held the left side with his hand. He set down the hat and walked over to the bedside. 

“Just uh, my ribs are still a little sore, I can pull them up I just need you to get them over my foot,” Kotetsu explained. 

“Not a problem,” Barnaby nodded and knelt down. 

He rolled up the left leg of the shorts and lifted his left foot carefully slipping it over the cast and pulled it up just enough for the other man to grab the hem and pull them up the rest of the way. He sat back on the bed and stared at his leg. 

Barnaby didn’t move. Must as he wanted to help him, he knew Kotetsu would be stubborn, he already didn’t like hospitals, doing certain things without asking would just be making things worse. 

He supposed in a way they were similar in that regard. 

Stubborn, and at times unwilling to ask for help. 

In Kotetsu’s case, not wanting to be a burden. 

Though as he watched Kotetsu wince and bring his left leg up and prop it back up on the pillows, right leg quickly following before sagging against the pillows, he was sorely tempted to disregard those feelings. 

“Better?” Barnaby asked instead. 

Kotetsu nodded and sat up a bit. “Uh, sorry about the mess you probably had to wade through. I was gonna clean up cause Kaede and...crap, Kaede.” He covered his face with his hands. “She was supposed to come up this weekend. I told her we’d go shopping for a few things for her trip…can’t very well do that now…” 

“Assuming it wasn’t too much of an overstep, I already called her and told her what happened,” Barnaby told him. “She was very understanding, and there’s still time before the trip. Putting it off for a few weeks won’t hurt.” 

Kotetsu sighed. “I hate knowing I’m the reason she’s so…understanding and accommodating. I mean, I don’t, I think it’s great ya know. She’s got a good head on her shoulders. But at the same time…” he shrugged. “Thank you Bunny. Gonna have to buy you a case of that fancy wine you like to make up for all this.” 

“Don’t worry about it, what partners are for right?” he waved his hand dismissively. “Besides, you can’t even pronounce its name. How do you expect to order a case?” 

“I know what the bottle looks like,” Kotetsu replied. “I’ll just go to the store, find the bottle and tell them I want a case. Easy.” 

“Whatever you say old man,” Barnaby crossed his arms over his chest and smiled a bit. 

“Who you calling old Bunny? I’m hardly that much older than you,” Kotetsu pouted. “I can still go toe to toe with any criminal in Sternbild…well…could.” 

“You could do a lot of damage with that cast,” Barnaby agreed. “Though, your punching’s a bit better than your kicking.” 

“Laughter is always a good sign,” the nurse smiled as she walked into the room. “The Doctor has given the all clear for you to go home, we’re just gonna go over a few things. We'll have you sign the discharge forms and make a follow-up appointment for a few weeks for now to check and see how the healing process is going. I understand that you’ll be released into Mr. Brooks’s care?” 

“Yes. That won’t be an issue will it?” Barnaby asked. 

“Not at all,” she assured him. “We’ll also just need to take down your information, should anything come up, and so the pharmacy is aware for prescription pick ups.”

“Do we really need to go over it all? No offense but we’re pretty much old hands at this,” Kotetsu said. “Can we just pretend?” 

“You’re going to be on a higher dosage of pain medication this time around Mr. Kaburagi, at least for the first few weeks, the doctor has also prescribed an optional sleeping medication. Patients sometimes have trouble falling asleep, or staying asleep following major surgery, especially with one as extensive as yours given that you’ll have to sleep propped up for the most part. As I said though, it is entirely optional, so if you don’t feel the need to take it, then you don’t have to,” she explained. 

“We understand,” Barnaby nodded when Kotetsu didn’t say anything. “Please, continue.” 

***

“Are you hungry? I haven’t had the chance to go grocery shopping yet, but I can have something delivered,” Barnaby offered. “I think I’ve got some take out menus in the kitchen from the last few times.” 

“Honestly Bunny, I think I just wanna try and get some sleep,” Kotetsu told him. “Maybe later though?” 

Barnaby nodded. “I’ll just be in the living room if you need anything.” 

Kotetsu nodded and settled back against the pillows. 

Barnaby turned out the light and left the door ajar as he left the bedroom. He ran a hand through his hair as he walked to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge before looking through the drawers until he found a pen and notepad making a quick grocery list. 

He could do this. 

[dr-robert-chase-s-hair]

this is completely unrelated to anything i normally post about, but i just need to get this out somehow (my friends have their own issues, and my family is unreliable in this topic).

So there's this guy in my history class, who has known(?) me, aka we've been in shared classes, for four years, occassionally talking for a few brief moments. We were never friends or anything, i don't have him on any social media. In our history class, I have been sitting alone since september (I was really distracted in lessons by "friends" last year, plus I have decided to just focus on studying this year and not on my social lackings), and he always sat with either his friend, or one of the girls in our class. We also used to have another subject together this year, but he has dropped it since.

After much yapping, the problem: on our first history lesson after half term, he sat alone, at the two-person desk behind mine. At the beginnig of the lesson, he asked me about the subkect he had dropped, and we talked for like 10 seconds. Then, on our second history lesson of the day, he asked if he could sit next to me. I don't dislike him or anything, so I said sure. he talked a bit about random historical facts (some relevant to the course), and we talked a bit. I wouldn't find this too weird, but this happened again, today. He asked to sit next to me, and I of course let him, 'cause why not. He talked about video games, historical stuff, and the US elections. He also once sat next to me during a study period, nearly two months ago, completely unsolicited, and we did our homework together, and he was talking again. And basically, this would be it, if I wasn't such an insecure little shit, who forms conspiracy theories at the first sign of unexpected and unexplained human contact.

Did he lose a bet?

Is he pitying me?

Is he being nice?

Does he want to be friends?

Does he like me?

Did he fall out with the friends he has in our class?

Is he this lonely?

Why, why why??!!

For context: I am kind of the seethrough weirdo type (at least I think). The last one to be chosen by my own friendgroup in PE, the one left out in conversations, and I have some general mental health issues, and am quite withdrawn, and wouldn't talk to people first usually. I am quiet and "nice" (I hear that very often from others, but that's just because I try to be polite and kind. I actually have quite selfish reasons sometimes). So this is just... weird. Especially from him, who seems to be friends with everyone.

edit: I'm hoping for him just being nice, since he is an interesting person, and I don't want anything rn. And definitely not from him. However, my grandma thinks that any guy on the metro who looks at me for over a sevond must be interested in me, and my mum is just as clueless as me. I have a friend who I think I'll mention the new seating thing to tomorrow, but I doubt she'll have any input as to what he is doing.

[passerine-writes]

Silent Sparks - Volt 69

Warnings: Monoma being a dick, mentions of homophobia Word count: 3416

Notes: Italics - Tsukare signing Bold italics - Family member/friend signing 'Italics with apostrophes' - Thoughts

Masterlist

Volt 68 | Volt 70

Over the week, my process continued outside of class of cross checking my list and narrowing it down until I finally decided.

"I found one." I told Dad at the end of the place, placing my paper on the desk with more force than intended.

"You did? Who did you choose?" He asked before grabbing my list.

"Fatgum. He's a highly renowned hero with a great track record with work studies, especially when you take into consideration that Amajiki is starting his second year there. His quirk doesn't contradict mine in any major ways plus you and Pops have worked with him before." He simply stared at me for a moment.

"How much sleep have you gotten over the last few days?"

"Not important. Do you think this is a good choice?" He sighed and stood up, pulling me into a hug. "Everything okay?" I asked slowly, hugging him in return.

"Yeah. I'm just proud that your Pops and I raised such smart kids." I smiled softly and simply held onto him. "Fatgum sounds like a good choice." He said once he pulled away from the hug.

"Yeah, plus the food he gets isn't half bad." He chuckled softly at my comment and ruffled my hair.

"Are you ready to meet Shikadai and everyone tomorrow?" I shrugged and plopped my head on his chest.

"I want to meet them, but I don't know how it's going to go and that's freaking me out." Dad nodded in response, knowing how stressed I had gotten about it in such a short period of time.

"It'll be okay. And the worst that happens is you leave early." I nodded and took a deep breath.

"I think I'm gonna hit the gym with Kiri, try and blow off some steam." He hummed and pulled me into another hug.

"Alright, love you kid."

"I love you too, Dad."

Kirishima was excited to meet me at the school's weight room. He stood there in a muscle tank and basketball shorts, hair supported by a bandana. He greeted me with a cheer and a knuckle bump. I quickly changed into a tank top and work out shorts, already feeling the slight amount of adrenaline kick in at the thought of working out.

"Dude, I'm so pumped! Wanna hit the bench first?" I gave him a thumbs up and guided him over to the set up. "Who's spotting who first?"

"I'll spot you first." He grinned and started putting his weights on, starting at 140 pounds (about 63.5 kilograms) so that he could work his way up. I got in place and watched as he flew through the first ten reps before going up to his record of 150 pounds (68 kilograms). He benched out another ten reps like it was nothing, only started to chase his breath a little by the end of it.

"Can you set up my phone for this next one? I think I'm about to break my personal record." I quickly agreed and set up mine since I couldn't find where he put his in his bag.

"Okay, you got this man. C'mon, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, c'mon, don't stop. You got this! Eight! Nine! Don't quit, last one, gimme one more! Ten! That's what I'm talkin' about!" He dropped the weights on the rack and sat up. I quickly pulled him into a bro hug and cheered him on. I ran over and stopped the video, making sure to send it in the group chat and saying that he hit his new personal best of 160 (72.5).

"Dude, that's the first time I've benched in months and I think it just hit me. But, you ready to go?" He asked, gesturing to where he just was. I laid down and got ready to start where he left off. He got ready to spot me, I went through the first ten without much struggle, pushing out another five to get a little more in before getting off and bumping it up to 180 pounds (about 82 kilograms). I took a deep breath and saw Kirishima ready with his camera. With the way these were set up, it had automatic spotters built in but having a person there never hurt just to be on the safe side. I got through the first five before I started to feel the burn. "C'mon Tsukabro! Five more!" I took another breath and pushed through the burn, but I didn't stop after the ten, making it to another fifteen. I set the bar back in its place and heaved a deep breath. "Woah, you're goin' for it?" I nodded as I set it to 200 (about 91) and got back in place. The ache in my arms starting a little early but I pushed through, focusing on Kirishima's words of encouragement. "Seven! C'mon, don't give up on me now! Eight, two more! Nine! You're killin' it! Ten!" I quickly set the bar down and steadied my breathing. "Dude that was amazing!" He cheered while passing me my water bottle. I took a quick sip and smiled up at him softly.

"Thanks, man. I haven't done that in a while. Holy shit." I said while laughing.

"Check out the group chat, Mina's goin' nuts." I breathed out a laugh but obliged and checked my phone.

Tsukababes Pokemon

From Whismur: 1 video attachment

From Whismur: Kiri hit his PR!!

From Whismur: Got it on video and everything

From Scraggy: Holy shit! Congrats man!

From Pikachu: Lookin good man!

From Venomoth: Daammmnnnn!

From Rayquaza: Woah! I wish I was built like that!

From Espeon: You're still pretty strong, Izuku.

From Boldore: Thanks guys! I might try and get a little higher today!

From Boldore: 1 video attachment

From Boldore: 1 video attachment

From Boldore: Tsukabro hit 200 today!

From Scraggy: Holy shit!

From Espeon: Gotta send that to our parents, they're gonna flip.

From Venomoth: I WANT TSUKABABES TO MARRY ME BUT HE'S DATING KAMI

From Venomoth: But oh my gosh, that's huge!!!!!

From Venomoth: But seriously, Tsukababes, marry me

From Scraggy: Kami's been pretty quiet, anything you wanna share?

From Pikachu: I-

From Pikachu: Holy shit

From Pikachu: That's my man

From Pikachu: Lowkey wanna go watch

From Venomoth: You just wanna see his muscles in person in action

From Pikachu: I wanna see him

From Pikachu: That just happens to include how hot he is

From Espeon: Gross. That's my brother.

From Pikachu: Sorry Shinsou!

From Espeon: That felt insincere.

From Pikachu: Yeah, I can't even deny that one

From Whismur: You can come and sit if you want, Denks, I asked Kiri and he said it's okay

From Pikachu: On my way!

I smiled at my phone, thankful that Kiri agreed to Denki coming to watch.

"Anything you plan on working on today?" He asked me curiously.

"Probably just a mosh of upper body. You?"

"I'm thinking abs today." I gave him a head nod and smile as I walked over to the wall with the music, plugging my phone in to the USB port since I knew where it was.

"Any particular music today?"

"I'm good with whatever! What do you normally listen to?"

"Classic rock or metal."

"Oh hell yeah." I smiled and put on my workout playlist, toggling with the volume where it was loud enough for me but not completely deafening.

I walked over to the barbell that wasn't being used and put 180 pounds on it, starting reps of fifteen until I worked up a bit of sweat. I set it on the ground and used the lower half of my tank top to wipe the beads of perspiration off of my face. Once I looked up, I saw Denki sitting on one of the benches, staring at me happily. My face felt warmer just seeing him in a pair of jeans and a crop top, golden eyes roaming my figure. I walked over to him and grabbed my water bottle out of my bag, taking a much needed sip of it.

"Hey babe." I hummed, looking at him in adoration.

"Hi babe." He echoed.

"Oh, here." I quickly said, digging through my gym bag's pocket to find one of my spare fidget cubes, passing it to him. "Thought you might want something to fidget with." He smiled widely and delicately grabbed the object from my hands. "And if you get bored, you can leave whenever you want. I know just sitting there can get boring sometimes." I reassured him, hoping he knows that he isn't obligated to sit there for however long Kiri and I work out for.

"You're an amazing boyfriend." Denki said casually and I felt my ears starting to turn red.

"I would give you a hug but I'm sweaty right now, so," I stood up and gently cupped his face, placing a feather light kiss on his forehead, "that'll have to do for now." He blushed wildly as my thumb ran across his cheekbones before I returned to my workout.

My body felt like it was overheating and my tank top began to clung to me like an uncomfortable second skin, so with a bit of hesitation, I took it off and dropped it to the floor beside me. Instantly, I felt two sets of eyes on me for two clearly different reasons. I tried my best to ignore the gazes on my rigid skin and started on the pull up bar. I had a gut feeling Kirishima and Denki both got some videos of me working out, both of them clearly in awe for separate reasons.

"Well, if it isn't the ear bleed." A familiar voice said, I rolled my eyes, hoping to ignore the blond from class B. "What, can't hear me?" I clenched my jaw at his mocking tone. "Maybe your brother can just force it out of you, do what he does best." I dropped down from the pull up bar and cracked my neck and knuckles.

"So that's why you copy anyone you can? Cause it's what you do best? I think you're projecting a bit." I retorted, keeping my back to him.

"If only you could fathom just how original I am. Maybe then you would understand. But, alas, you can't wrap your brain around much, can you?" I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself.

"What do you want, jackass?" I asked curtly, a dramatic laugh coming from him.

"Who, me? I'd simply like to see you and the rest of your class fail this course. But I know two students there have an unfair advantage because of their father being their homeroom teacher." I turned around and took three steps to get to him, glad that I didn't leave my back to him much longer.

"I'm gonna say it one time and one time only, you leave my Dad out of it. You aren't even supposed to know about our relation to one another. It's protection, use your damn brain and watch your fucking mouth." I seethed, his eyes not being able to hide his fear.

"What? Hit a nerve? Did he do that to your back?" My face hardened into a cold expression and Kirishima quickly wedged his arm between us, guiding me back, Denki coming up to my side.

"Tsukare, he's not worth it. If you get in trouble again it could cost you your work study. Don't play into his game." My red headed friend tried to be a voice of reason. I took a few deep breaths and let my body loosen up, his arm falling back down to his side. Denki slowly laced his fingers into mine, grounding me a little bit more, but the action didn't go unnoticed by Monoma.

"So that's why he's dressed like that, he either thinks he's a girl, or thinks he's some queer. Which is it?" Denki dropped my hand and held his up in mock surrender. Kirishima stepping back as well. I closed the gap again and wrapped my hand around his shirt collar, catching him off guard.

"You leave him out of this. Kendo isn't here to save you this time. So I'm giving you a chance. You have five seconds. You can leave and walk out of here, or I'll make you leave and you'll be in too much pain to do any hero training for the next month." He thought he had the upper hand by reaching his arm up. I quickly caught his wrist and twisted his arm behind his back, placing my other one near his bicep and holding down one of his feet with my own. "Cause right now, I'm in the perfect spot to dislocate your elbow and your shoulder. Don't make me count. You can go crying to Nedzu if you'd like, but we'll just end up in the principals office all over again, except this time, you'll be the only one getting reprimanded. Five." I bit out, shoving him towards the door, watching as he glared while he walked out. I pinched the bridge of my nose and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry that you guys had to see that." I mumbled while I finally let my shoulders sag.

"Hey," Denki whispered in a soothing tone, coming around in front of me to cup my face, "you put him in his place, that guy needs a reality check. He shouldn't have said anything that he did." I let my face rest in his hands, finding comfort in his touch.

"Yeah, Kami's right, plus it didn't go full code yellow so no harm no foul!" Kiri quipped from behind us.

"Thanks guys." I breathed out. "I try to keep a lid on my anger but guys like that just make me lose my patience. I have no respect for him after everything." Denki placed a long but gentle kiss on my forehead and simply held me. The door swung open, Mina, Sero, Hitoshi and Midoriya all scrambling in and collectively taking a deep breath when they saw me standing there with the two.

"Sorry, we all ran here. Kiri texted code yellow and Monoma and we all just booked it." Sero explained through his labored breathing.

"Situation was handled without me punching him, so I think it was a success." I said calmly, not wanting to worry them any further.

"What'd you do?" Hitoshi asked bluntly, so nonchalant that it almost seemed like a run of the mill question.

"Onryo, it was a code yellow, so what happened?" Izuku continued.

"I may or may not have grabbed him by his collar and when he went to move his arm, I may or may not have pinched it backwards and told him that I had him in the prime spot to dislocate his shoulder and elbow and told him he had five seconds to leave before he would miss a month of hero training from being in so much pain and then quite literally tossed him to the door." I gave the four of them an awkward smile.

"I'm so telling Dad that you copied one of his moves." Hitoshi said with a smirk on his face, the rest looking in complete and utter disbelief.

"Remind me to never piss our amigo off, I don't know how easy it would be to relocate my elbows." Hanta grimaced while rubbing his elbows.

"Agreed, also, Tsukababes, what happened to your shirt?" Mina asked for everyone.

"Started overheating while working out." I answered simply, not seeing the relevance until it smacked me in the face. "I swear to whatever gods are out there, if he says anything again I'll get suspended."

"What'd he say?" Hitoshi asked, Kirishima looking to Denki and I.

"First he tried bringing you and your quirk into it. Then he tried bringing Dad into it with special treatment shit and asked if he was the one who fucked up my back." I said through gritted teeth, still pissed that he even insinuated it. "Then he tried to insult Denki and that's when I finally snapped, well, that's when they stopped trying to calm me down and hold me back."

"I'll beat his fucking ass." My brother grumbled, seething at the knowledge.

"He's such a prick!" Mina exclaimed.

"Yeah." I whispered, my mind starting to wander.

The walked back to the dorms I spent floating in my head, Denki's hand being the main thing tethering me to reality and away from doors. I sat in silence as the class talked about the work studies, each mostly complaining about how difficult it would be to secure one.

"In all reality, when you think about it we're their responsibility." I reasoned, understanding both sides of emotions.

"I mean, you can't really blame them." Ojiro chimed in. "Unlike the internships, we'll be directly involved, so if anything were to go wrong, then.."

"Then the pros have to take responsibility for whatever happened." Dad popped in. I looked up and saw him standing near the door.

"Oh, hey, Mr. Aizawa!" Denki awkwardly said, voice wavering a bit.

"Only pros who're the real deal will take on rookies like you guys, knowing the risks involved. Tokoyami, looks like you've got an offer from one of them. Hawks has invited you to work with him in Kyushu." Dad stated blandly. "Onryo, you also received an offer but I told him you were already accepted by Fatgum."

"No way!" Denki gasped.

"Dude, he's the Number Three Hero! That's awesome!" Sero gawked.

"Well, what d'ya say?" Dad asked Tokoyami.

"I respectfully accept." Tokoyami said politely.

"Alright then. I'll make sure you get the relevant paperwork later. Just let me know when you're expected in Kyushu. I can sign off on your absences." He sighed before turning to me. "Also, Kirishima. Apparently Amajiki from the Big Three wants to talk to you about something." I looked at Dad in disbelief. "Uraraka and Asui, you've got your own Big Three Summons from Hado. You can track 'em down sometime tomorrow or whatever. Onryo, a word?" I rubbed the back of my neck and followed him outside to the porch.

"I take it this is about earlier?" I asked, breaking the ice.

"Yes. Monoma filed a complaint with Nedzu, claimed that you and Kirishima ganged up on him in the workout room." I scoffed and rolled my eyes. "Nedzu reviewed the security footage and caught his lie and asked that I have a word with you over what was said." I slightly nodded and leaned against the pillar. "Would you like to share what happened?"

I begrudgingly told him all the details about Monoma today. He simply listened and glared at the ground.

"Just fucking pisses me off. Who does he think he is? He doesn't get to go around and accuse you of abusing me, especially when that's not the case. Then bring Denki into it and try to demean him? It's fucking bullshit. He should be happy I didn't dislocate any of his bones." I said through gritted teeth, seething still over what happened.

"Be grateful you didn't or else you would've been barred from the work studies. You're allowed to be pissed, I am too. It's not something that should be taken lightly. But when your anger gets to that point, you have to be able to hold back. Sunshine and I taught you and your brother better then to let anger rule over you." I sighed and nodded, deflating against the quartz pillar.

"He pisses me off and I hate that I played into his game again. He tried bringing Toshi into it again, too. I'd be fine if he just targeted me, I could handle that, I draw the line at the people I care about most."

"I know. That's where you and I are alike. But just because you can handle someone harassing you, doesn't mean you should." I nodded and gave him a quick hug.

"I'm sorry for snapping earlier, I promise I'll try and get a better handle on it." I mumbled into his chest.

"That's all I ever ask, is that you try, we'll always be here if you fail but that doesn't mean you stop trying." I nodded quickly, feeling like a weight was just taken off my shoulders.

"I love you."

"I love you too, problem child."

[blu-joons]

When They’re Whipped For You ~ BTS Reaction

Jin:

The moment you heard that Jin had plans with the boys for the evening, your stomach dropped, turning to face him in confusion.

“I thought you agreed to come with me to the works dinner tonight?” You asked once he’d finished telling you all about what the boys had planned to do together.

“Oh,” he sighed, looking away from your eyes as a hand ran through his hair. “I can text the boys and cancel, I completely forgot about your dinner. We can always meet up another night when I’m free.”

You sighed at the panic in his voice, “I can go to the dinner by myself, it’s really no big deal.”

At your words, his head shook instantly, “there’s no way I’m going back on my promise to you. I’ll just tell the boys I didn’t check the calendar properly, I’m sure they’ll understand.”

“It’s alright,” you laughed, walking across to him, “I know you’d much prefer to spend the evening with the boys instead of my colleagues, so just go with them.”

“I’m not going with the boys,” he continued to argue, “you’re the one I sorted things with first, and it’s you who I’ll spend my evening with too.”

“Damn Jin, you really are a sucker for me sometimes.”

Yoongi:

When Yoongi returned to the group with his basket full, all eyes flickered down to look at all of the things he’d purchased on his trip.

“I’m guessing those aren’t for you,” Jungkook giggled, shyly pointing to a box of tampons that sat on the top of his basket. “Has Y/N got you shopping for her now too?”

“She needs them,” Yoongi quickly defended, “and when you all get girlfriends, you’ll understand how difficult a period can be for them. She’s hardly in a state to be able to go to the shop herself.”

All of them rolled their eyes at how defensive he was, “you’re a sucker for her, she’s got you whipped.”

Yoongi’s head shook at Jimin’s words, “shopping for my girlfriend does not make me whipped, it just makes me a kind and caring boyfriend, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“If you’re not whipped, why are you arguing so badly?” Namjoon laughed back at him, “there’s nothing wrong with being whipped, I’m sure Y/N loves all the control too.”

“I know that none of you would ever say this in front of Y/N,” Yoongi sniggered, “but I could always record it for her if you guys wanted me to?”

“No way, she’d kill us if she knew what we said.”

Hoseok:

The squeal that came from you was huge as you walked into the kitchen to see a spider darting across the floor, calling out Hobi’s name quickly.

“Help,” you whimpered as he ran into the room, pointing to the insect. Straight away, Hobi ran over and placed his hands around it, taking it out into the garden.

“It’s gone,” he smiled, brushing his hands off before closing the door, spinning around to see a wide smirk plastered across your face. “Why are you looking at me like I’ve done something wrong?”

Your head shook, “you’ve done nothing wrong I just love seeing how whipped you are for me.”

“I’m not,” he protested, shaking his head back at you, “I just know how scared you are of stuff like this, so I thought I’d get it out before it managed to get away.”

Your eyebrows raised at his statement, “you’re usually terrified of spiders, and yet you caught that one without even thinking, that means you’re whipped.”

“Maybe I am,” he chuckled, moving across the room to wrap his arms around you, “would you prefer it if I wasn’t whipped for you though?”

“No way, I love that you’ll do absolutely anything for me.”

Namjoon:

The guilt hit him as soon as he shook Yoongi awake, taking a step back as his eyes opened and glanced across at the clock beside him.

“Could you do me a favour?” Namjoon questioned from beside him, “I need someone to pick Y/N up from the club she’s at, I offered to get her, but I can’t really get there.”

“Really?” Yoongi frowned, “it’s four in the morning, why would you offer to get her when you can’t drive?” He sighed, “and why did I have to be the one that you decided to wake up at this time?”

Namjoon frowned across at him, “please, I can’t leave her there on the streets at a time like this.”

With a sigh, Yoongi sat himself up on his bed, “I know that you’d do absolutely anything for her, but that doesn’t mean that all of us would do anything for Y/N too Joon.”

“I know,” he admitted, “but I really do appreciate you doing this, I’ll find a way to make it up to you too, prove how grateful I am for what you’re doing.”

“Go and get my car keys and I’ll be down in five,” Yoongi instructed as he pushed the duvet away from his body, “but you do owe me a big one for this.”

“And I’ll pay you back for it, don’t you worry Yoongi.”

Jimin:

Your smile grew as you walked out of your office and saw Jimin sat outside of the building with the car door opened, waiting for you.

“You even get him to pick you up?” Your colleague chuckle from beside you, nudging gently at your side, “you really have got him wrapped around your finger.”

“I didn’t ask him to come and pick me up,” you laughed, meeting his eyes for the first time as he noticed you. “I guess he just enjoys doing all of these things for me instead.”

Your colleague sighed back at you, “he’s whipped for you, he really would do anything for you.”

A gentle blush found its way onto your cheeks, “I wouldn’t say no to a lift home in this weather anyway, it’s freezing. He’s a bit like a knight in shining armour really.”

“Maybe I need to find me a Jimin,” she teased, pushing you gently in the direction of the car. “Hurry, you don’t want to leave him waiting.”

“He’d wait all day for me,” you proudly smiled, “you really do need to find yourself a Jimin, it’s nice knowing that someone would do anything for you.”

“For you, he definitely would do absolutely anything!”

Taehyung:

The confusion on your expression grew as you tried to figure out where each screw went in attempting to build your new beside table.

“This is stupid,” you muttered under your breath, glancing back yet again to see if Taehyung had noticed you. “Who invents furniture with instructions as messed up as this.”

“Y/N,” he laughed from the sofa, “I know what you’re getting at, all you had to do was ask me for a hand and I would’ve come and helped you,” he sniggered, rolling his eyes at your obvious signs.

Your smile grew gently, “I really did want to try and figure it all out for myself before I asked you.”

His head shook as he sat down on the floor beside you, “there’s no way you would’ve done this by yourself, I know you wanted me to do this for you from the start.”

“No,” you argued, but as he stared back at you, you knew he could read you as if you were a book. “Did I really make it that obvious that I needed your help.”

“Yes,” he sniggered, “I just wanted to see how long it would take before you caved. One way or another, I was going to be the one building this unit.”

“In that case, I guess I’ll just leave you to it, shall I?”

Jungkook:

Throughout the entirety of the conversation over dinner that evening, Jungkook could only sit with a frown as he listened to their plans.

“Kook, you’ve been quiet,” Jin spoke up when he noticed the youngest staring off into the distance as they tried to arrange a time to all meet up again.

“I promised Y/N that we’d go out for dinner tonight,” he admitted, shyly looking away as the groans inevitably came from the rest of the boys that were sat around him.

Taehyung was the first to nudge against his side, “you only went out for dinner a few days ago?”

Jungkook nodded shamefully back at him, “there’s this restaurant she’s been dying to try, and we’ve finally got a reservation, I can’t go back on my word now.”

“What happened to the bro code?” Hobi teased, staring across at him, “are you bailing on us? Are we finally losing you to love and your relationship?”

“No,” he chuckled, holding his hands up in defence, “what if we switch dinner until tomorrow night, I’m available then without any plans, no doubt about it at all.”

“We might as well claim you before Y/N does.”

---

Masterlist

[yokelish]

So here's a fun story of mine.

I respect medical professionals. And by that, I mean good medical professionals.

About four years ago I started to seriously try to figure out why my headaches and migraines were getting progressively worse with age. And other symptoms started to appear too: nausea, sensitivity to light and sounds, loss of time and vision, absence of short-term memory, extreme exhaustion, and neck pain. So much pain. There were days when all I wanted to do was lay in bed and whine from pain.

So, I did what any rational adult would. And got a medical appointment. A physician looked at me, ordered a few blood tests, and asked about my family history, etc.

In the end, I was given a very mediocre medication the details of which don't matter. But I had to take it every day because it was preventative. And for a while, it seemed like it worked. But I had a bad reaction to the medication and it had to be removed. Once I was put off the medication, it all returned just as before. I remember telling my partner at the time without a hint of irony if I had a gun in this house, today would be my last day alive. That's how miserable I felt at that time.

So, I was directed to a neurologist. And I went. And he did what a neurologist does. Then I asked him if I should get an MRI, just to be sure, just so we know it's definitely not the brain. He said it wasn't needed.

He said it wasn't uncommon for women to have migraines. In fact, women are more likely to get them.

Yes, some of your other symptoms are a bit unusual but they are temporary.

He said I passed all the tests, and I was fine.

He said if I didn't have any recent head traumas, it was quite unnecessary.

It's a complex procedure (spoiler: it isn't), why would you want to be on a waitlist for months for nothing?

And so I didn't push him. I had to go through a drug trial to find what worked for my migraines now. I was tested for intracranial hypertension; they suggested lifestyle changes. Little adjustments to help out with the headaches and neck tension. And then slowly I grew complacent with it. Put the frog in boiling water and it will jump right out. But put in cold water and slowly heat it up, it won't be able to tell the difference. Life started to happen. I buried a friend. The pandemic. My MDD started to take priority over the headaches.

And then I almost went fully blind in one eye for 15 minutes. For no apparent reason.

What were you doing when it happened?

Uuugh, nothing. I was just reading in bed, laying funny. When I started losing vision in my left eye, I thought it was eye strain. But about two minutes later I realized it sure wasn't that. I immediately got up and went to my partner. When I explained what was happening to me and we got ready to go to the hospital, it started to come back. That's why I am here.

That didn't happen.

What?

And the neck pain was increasing. The intensity of the pain in my head kept increasing. The periods of those episodes continued to grow.

I have since moved. Got a new physician. And, I guess, I had a bad episode. There was a day I was in pain, I was miserable. I made an appointment ASAP. He is a great doctor. He is willing to put up with my demands for MDD medication, migraines. Even the smallest ear infections. There wasn't a time I came to him with a problem and he tried to rationalize it to me.

Ear infection?

Yes, you have it. It doesn't seem serious right now, so just over-the-counter medication will do. But if you don't feel any better, or even worse tomorrow, do let me know.

So, after that bad episode, I decided I can't be fucked anymore. Enough is enough. The pain was unbearable. I am a working, reasonably healthy adult, I can't be in this much pain without a cause. Unless they've checked for everything, EVERYTHING in the books and it came empty, only then would I accept that this pain was something I had to live with.

What I did was fucked up. Don't do that. But what I said to him, I meant with every cell of my being.

I want an MRI. And if it comes empty, order whatever test you can think of, no matter how invasive. Because this pain is getting worse, there are days when holding up my head is a conscious task. There are days when doing anything other than lying horizontally is a teeth-grinding endeavor. When I lower my chin, I can feel something along my spine, like a cord being pulled, not in a healthy muscle-stretching way, there is a tension that I don't think should be there.

And then he asked me how bad I would rate the pain on the worst day.

If this pain continues to increase at the rate it has been, I won't be alive by the time I am 31. I will take my own life.

And I was ordered an MRI. Not to say how ridiculously long I had to wait for an hour-long procedure where a big loud machine just scans your head.

And the doctor's office for the first time asks me to come in for the test results.

Your brain is healthy. But we found something in your neck.

And I felt giddy like a child who was promised candy. I wasn't insane. It wasn't "one of those things that women have to deal with". Fuck you, the professional who told me this. I sincerely hope you get sued. I'd sue you myself but I can't be fucked to be bothered with that right now.

My health care professional suspects syringomyelia. A fluid cyst in my spinal cord. I will have to go through more tests to see what it is for sure, what is the cause, and how bad it's gotten.

The point is

If one fucker decided to listen and not to rationalize a woman HER OWN Pain, if one fucker agreed to order a fairly simple medical test, perhaps this cyst probably could have been discovered THREE-MOTHERFUCKING-YEARS AGO.

[babymetaldoll]

DIWK - Chapter four: "Hurt"

Words count: 13,7K

The gif is mine ✨

Warnings: Hardcore Spencer trauma. Mention of drug abuse,  torture, Criminal Minds usual case triggers. Spoilers of Season 2 E14/15 Criminal Minds.

Summary: An unsub abducts Spencer, and reader blames JJ for it.

A/N: Have you ever wished you were there to save Spencer from Tobias Hankel? I know I have. I know reader wants to... I'm dying to know what you'll think of this chapter! Sorry if it's a little too graphic, writing Spencer's POV of this episode was really hard.

Series Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen |

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

(Y/N)'s point of view

I remember the day Emily Prentiss arrived. We had a case in Saint Louis. Two serial killers, 'cos it couldn't just be one asshole making everyone miserable. And on top of all, Hotch was confused and upset 'cos he never signed Emily's transfer to the BAU. It was like someone was trying to force her into the team, and we all thought it was weird.

We left the bullpen off to the case and left Prentiss in the office, not knowing if she actually got the job or not. I know Elle and I weren't incredibly close, but it still felt weird to think someone might join the team and try to replace her. It didn't work that way in that job. It didn't feel right at the moment.

There is something I also distinctly remember about that day: Gideon talked to me. And not only that, but he actually trusted my knowledge. We hadn't been on the best terms for a few months, so that approach meant a lot to me.

We were at the police station. Reid and I had been analyzing the letters one of the killers had sent to a journalist to find something that might help us catch him before there were any more victims. That's when JJ and Jason walked in, and he asked about our progress.

- "He only sent this to an individual, which shows he is not confident enough to initiate contact with the masses."- Spencer explained as he projected an image of the letter on the wall.

- "Emotional indicators are analyzed through slants, and you can see the shooter maintains vertical, narrow letter writing, and both are signs of repression"- I said and pointed at the image on the wall- "And the pressure, if you look closely, it's excessively heavy, which shows that he's uptight and can easily overreact."

Gideon looked at me and nodded. It was my cue to keep on talking. For once in a long time, I was feeling approved by him.

- "You got all that from his handwriting?"- JJ asked me, surprised. Reid looked at me from the other side of the room, and I could feel his smile reflecting how proud he was of me.

- "Graphology is an effective and reliable indicator of personality and behavior."

- "But my writing is always different,"- she added, and I nodded. I was waiting for that comment.

- "Yes, because it represents your emotions at the moment, just like your facial expressions parallel the way you are feeling while you are speaking."

- "What else can we know about our unsub from this?"- Gideon asked me.

- "Well, our killer uses simple statements, all first person, like "I won't be ignored," which means he's obviously tired of feeling this way. He may have a job in solitude or one that he feels strips of his identity. His work might require him to wear a uniform, something that shows absolutely no individuality, or he may be overqualified for his menial job and feels that he doesn't get the respect that he necessarily deserves."

I made a pause and waited for his words. I was giving my best, and I swear I was still hoping I could ever get Jason Gideon's blessing.

- "I think we are ready to give a profile,"- he said and nodded.

And damn, that felt good.

When we were back in Quantico, Hotch had a long and clearly awkward conversation with the section chief, Erin Strauss. She was scary. She was clearly trying to get rid of Hotch, questioning his work daily, decisions, and how he managed the team. Why? I have no idea.

It felt she forced him to accept Prentiss into the team. We were one man down after Elle left. Ok, one awesome woman down, so we definitely needed some help. And Emily was a great addition from day one.

We clicked right away. Prentiss was funny, smart, but most of all, she constantly had to prove she deserved to be there. Just like me. Gideon gave her the cold shoulder from day one, and that I could relate. The only difference was that she won him over in a few days, though. I was still trying to win that battle.

Garcia decided we needed a girl's night, and she hosted the first of many "BAU Girl Power get together." Basically, it was us at Penelope's place drinking and talking.

That first night, we updated Prentiss with everything that had happened with Elle. She wanted to know everything about us, what we did, how long we've been on the team, and how we all got along. It was sweet and fresh. After that year in the BAU, I had already learned to enjoy the sweet things in life. Like getting drunk with my work girlfriends.

- "So, does Hotch ever smile?"- Emily asked, and we all laughed at the very same time. Yes, it was getting late, and we weren't as sober as we should have been.

- "He does! he does!"- JJ assured us- "You should see him with his baby."

- "He is a dad?"- Emily was shocked. I was surprised too when I found out Aaron was married and with a baby. The amount of time he spends at work always made me feel he had zero personal life.

- "And has a beautiful wife"- JJ added- "He is always laughing when he is with her and baby Jack."

- "I guess this job can drain the happiness from your day... "- I thought out loud, but before anyone could say anything about my dark and bitter comment, my cell phone rang.

- "Hey honey bunny, everything ok?"- I stood up and walked to the kitchen. I didn't want to interrupt the girl's conversations.

- "Yes, I just wanted to make sure you were drinking enough water between drinks"- I laughed and shook my head. Only Reid could call to say such a thing. He was the sweetest friend on earth.

- "Yes, I am, don't worry. I'm not going to be hungover or drunk tomorrow. I know you are excited about the new exposition."

- "You are gonna love it!"

- "I am sure I will"- and I wasn't kidding. I loved when he dragged me to the Smithsonian or any museum for some nerdy fun.

- "Have fun with the girls."

- "What are you doing, by the way?"

- "Just reading a little, you left your complete Sherlock Holmes collection here, so I'll be solving mysteries while you get drunk."

- "Don't have too much fun without me"- he chuckled and ended the call. I smiled and walked back to the girls looking at me with a funny grin on their faces.

- "Was that your boyfriend?"- Penelope asked me, and I frowned right away.

- "No, it was Reid. He just wanted to confirm we are going to the museum tomorrow."

- "Wait"- Prentiss narrowed her brows and looked at us confused- "Reid ain't your boyfriend?"

JJ and Garcia's laughter was epical, as well as my frown. They nearly gasped for air while Prentiss and I waited until they calmed down.

- "No"- I finally answered- "Reid is not my boyfriend."

- "He is more than that; he is her work husband,"- Penelope clarified, and I turned to her with my mouth wide open, shocked.

- "What the fuck? Reid ain't my work husband. He is my best friend!!"

- "Yes, and you happen to call your best friend "honey bunny," right?"- JJ questioned, just like she had a few months before when we were alone in our room away on a case.

- "Reid is my best friend, and yes, I call all my close friends by weird pet names. You will get one too if you are lucky."

- "But I thought"- Emily continued- "I mean, he looks at you like you are his sun."

- "No, Prentiss, the only coupe in this team is the one between "chocolate thunder" and "baby girl" right here"- I pointed at Garcia, and she just blushed and covered her face.

- "My love for Derek will burn forever with the intensity of a thousand suns. I mean, have you seen that man? he was made by the gods and sent to earth just to give my existence some sense"- we all laughed at those cheesy words, though Pen was serious about them.

- "But, have you ever...?- JJ looked at her and made a pause. We were all looking at every single facial movement or behavior she might show to read her body language."

- "My relationship with my loverman could never be tainted by something as mundane as sex."

- "Like you wouldn't lick honey from that six-pack and ride that thunder."

The words just left my lips, and I blame the buzz. BAU (Y/N) would have never said that. Drunk (Y/N) would, totally.

The girls laughed until tears fell from their eyes, and I just chuckled, honestly happy to make them laugh. I had been more of the real me than I had ever actually been around them in nearly a year.

- "Hello?"- my phone rang again when I was walking out of the bathroom. And this time, it was Paul.

- "Hey babe, what are you doing?"

- "Hey, I'm..."- I looked at the girls in front of me and sighed- "I'm stuck with paperwork"- and they turned to me immediately. I could read the "What the fuck" on their faces.

- "Well, I'm at Rob's in case you feel like dropping by. We are writing a few songs."

- "I'll text you if I finish with this early, but... have fun."

- "Ok, bye"- I hung up and sighed.

- "And that was..."- Prentiss asked, frowning.

- "My boyfriend,"- I explained and grabbed another beer

- "Sure, I could feel the passion,"- Garcia joked, but I just didn't think it was funny.

I knew my relationship with Paul wasn't alright. Actually, things with Paul weren't. Period. We were done, it was apparent, but still, neither of us had said it. That relationship was just a few phone calls every once in a while, only to make small talks. When we were together, we would just watch a movie, eat something, drink a few beers, and that was it. It had been a long time since we had sex or even made out. I don't know why I didn't end it sooner. I guess I was just afraid to do it.

But I let more months pass before I actually did something.

Spencer's point of view

I'm not proud of what happened that year after Prentiss joined the team. I think that year changed me profoundly, and a part of me never fully recovered afterward.

Maybe it had to be that way, and it was something I had to go through to grow up. I guess I'm still trying to make some sense of all the misery I put my friends through. Mostly (Y/N). She was in hell with me.

A few weeks after New Year, we started working on a case. Someone was killing wealthy people in their own homes. At first, we thought there were two unsubs, 'cos one of them called 911 after killing, and you could hear them struggling and arguing. But no, it was just one.

Tobias Hankel was a delusional serial killer. He had split personalities, not two but actually three. His father, the one who tortured me. The archangel Raphael, who was trying to make God's will, killing people. And himself, who wanted to save me, but instead, he nearly destroyed me.

What do I remember about the day he kidnapped me? I remember I was stupid enough to try to catch an unsub alone, just to prove I could take care of myself on the field. Hotch sent me and JJ to talk to Hankel at his house, 'cos apparently, he might have seen the unsub months earlier. But no, he was the unsub, and neither JJ nor me could stop him.

We hid in a barn, and I was so eager to prove I could catch him; I told JJ we had to split up to cover the place. I was counting on Hotch to get there with the team sooner than they did, and before I realized it, I was in the middle of a cornfield, and Hankel was pointing at me with my own gun.

I was sure I was going to die right there. All of Hankel's personalities were struggling inside of him. I couldn't stop thinking about why I thought I could do it on my own? Why had I been a reckless asshole? Was it because I wanted to prove I was an excellent SAA? Because I wanted to impress JJ? Maybe I tried to convince myself I could do the same job my team did. I knew I wasn't the most physical person, but I had a gun. I had been trained to capture killers.

Yes, I was an asshole that day, and I've regretted everything that happened that night many, many times in the following years.

When I woke up, I was tied to a chair, and the archangel Raphael had taken Hankel's mind completely. The room was dark, and it smelled awful. He was burning fish hearts and livers, 'cos he believed it kept the devil away.

I was confused and lost. My head was spinning, and my heart was about to burst into my chest. I knew I could die any second now. Raphael wasn't the one to show mercy. That's what I had learned from all the videos Hankel had uploaded to the web. He had shared with the world every murder they had committed to show the other sinners what was going to happen to them.

- "They believe you can see inside men's minds"- Raphael looked at me with dark eyes, implying he meant Tobias and his father

- "It's not true. I study human behavior."- my voice was shaking. I knew I had never been more scared in my entire life. He took out a gun and showed me one bullet.

- "Do you know what this is? It's God's will."

Things didn't look good for me. He put it in the cylinder of the revolver and spun it. He was going to let my life to luck.

- "You don't have to do this"- I tried to talk him out of it, though I knew it wasn't going to work.

- "No go, sinners, to your God."

And he pressed the trigger.

What went through my mind the seconds that passed between having the gun pointed to my face and realizing I had lived? My mom. All I could think of was how my mom would react to the news of my death. I could never bear to hurt her like that. I couldn't die. I couldn't leave her alone.

I sighed, relieved, and bit my lips not to cry. Raphael looked at me with a blank expression and walked out of the room. I had survived for now.

I struggled with my handcuff, but it was useless. My head was killing me. I could feel the open wound on my head, still dripping blood on my temple and head. I tried to focus on the pain for a few minutes, just to make sure I was awake. It was a nightmare, and keeping myself sane and conscious under those circumstances was nearly impossible.

How was I going to get out of there alive? Did the team know where I was? I had no idea where I had been taken. I had been unconscious the whole way. It was dark, and I couldn't see much around me. I wasn't afraid of that darkness. I was more fearful of the man that left me alone, 'cos he was armed and mentally unstable. Darkness had nothing on him.

I had to focus on the things that kept me sane. The things that made me want to get out of that room alive.

- "My name is Spencer Walter Reid. I'm twenty-five years old, my mother's name is Diana Reid, I was born in Las Vegas, October 28th, 1981."

I closed my eyes and tried to think of all the things that made me happy.

- "I work at the BAU, my best friend's name is (Y/N), and she sits at the desk in front of me. Derek Morgan is the closest I've got to an older brother."

He was. He still is. You have to be close to dead to start seeing things clearly sometimes. Derek was my brother. He treated me like a kid, but a kid brother. He was always teasing me, trying to teach me how to pick up girls, trying to drag me to the gym with him. Derek was a good friend, we were very different, and I knew if we had been classmates in high school, we would probably never have talked. He was a jock, and I was a nerd. But life had brought us together. And now I couldn't think of a better friend than him.

I tried to focus on my happiest memories. My birthday came to mind. The guys had planned a Halloween-themed birthday party at the conference room of the BAU. Of course, Garcia baked a cake and (Y/N) helped her decorate it. It was incredible, 'cos it was covered with tiny gourds and skulls.

- "Frank and Mikey sent you these,"- she announced after everybody had given me their presents. I wide opened my eyes in shock 'cos I had no idea her friends knew it was my birthday or even cared about it.

- "Why?"- I had to ask.

- "'Cos they think you are amazing. They actually wanted to come over to your house and have a few beers tonight."- I opened my mouth to say something, but Derek interrupted me.

- "Pretty boy is gonna get to work hungover again."

- "Shut up"- (Y/N) and I said at the same time, making everybody chuckle. I opened the present her friends had sent me and laughed right away.

- "Lucky Doc"- I read and took out of the bag a Sports Illustrated issue with Lila Archer on the cover. My cheeks turned red immediately.

- "Frank still hasn't overcome that story. I think he will hate you forever"- (Y/N) laughed (along with the rest of the team) and gave me another present.

- "They also sent you this. They said you were going to like the man in black"- it was a Johnny Cash's vinyl- "Frank picked it. He thinks he is some sort of musical psychic that can read people's taste in music."

- "We should get together and have a few beers one of these days. I need to thank them for these."

Gideon looked at me in silence as soon as I said those words. But I didn't care if he disapproved. I was going to be (Y/N)'s friend, whether he liked it or not.

He is the closest I've had to a dad in the latest years. He cares about me, and he tries to make the best of me that he can. Yes, he can be too apprehensive. I think that's a way to put it. But only because he wants me to be the best profiler I can be.

I never thought I would end up working at the BAU. I never thought I would love the job I do as much as I do. Back when I was in college, I thought I would dedicate my life to finding a cure for schizophrenia, but I ended up hunting serial killers across the country.

And though I was about to die, I didn't regret any of the decisions that led me there.

The morning found me shaking, cold, and scared. I was in a small cabin in the woods. Just like the worst and more cliché horror movie ever made. This was my own horror movie.

- "What are you staring at, boy?"- Tobias opened the front door carrying logs for the fire. His voice had changed yet again, so I knew it wasn't the same person I had talked to the night before.

- "You are not Raphael."- I whispered, looking at every movement he did.

- "Do I look like Raphael?"- had I insulted him? I couldn't tell. He turned to the fire, and I took a deep breath, doing my best to stay calm.

- "Thank you for burning those, for keeping us safe."- I said, looking at the fish hearts and livers he was preparing to put on the fire.

- "Don't try to trick me."

- "I would never try to trick you."

- "You are a liar."

- I'm not a liar."- it was hard to stay calm and not start screaming for help or mercy, but I knew that was going to take me nowhere with him.

- "Lying is a sin."

- "I'm not a liar."- he walked closer to me, and sat right in front of me, held my leg up, and grabbed my foot.

- "This will be over quickly if you just confess your sins."

- "I am not a sinner"- I whispered again. He took off my shoe.

- "We are all sinners."- it didn't look good for me, not at all, and I knew I had to talk to him with his words with his beliefs to save my life.

- "The Lord spake unto Moses saying "Speak unto all the congregation of the children of the lord" and say unto them, ye shall be holy, for I, the Lord your God, am holy."

Hankel, this time in the personality of his father, looked at me surprised. I might have done something right, 'cos he stopped moving, and for a second, I thought it was going to be ok.

- "You know Leviticus."

- "I know every word of the bible. I can recite it for you."- but his eyes turned dark again.

- "The devil knows how to read too."

- "I'm not a devil, I'm not a devil2- I repeated, and couldn't stop shaking, 'cos my life on the hands of a sociopath.

- "I'm a man, my name is Spencer Reid, and I have a mother, and I have a father just like you, and they taught me the bible, let me recite the bible."

My voice cracked at the knowledge of what he was going to do. He stood up, still holding my foot. He was going to torture me, he was going to try to break me, and I had to be strong. I didn't know how I would find the strength, but I had to be strong.

- "Time to confess, Spencer Reid"- and without further notice, he slapped a log against my foot, making me scream in pain. It hurt from the tip of my toes until the back of my skull. I hadn't felt that kind of pain, and it was worse knowing he was just getting started. Tears started falling down my cheeks in no time.

- "Confess!"

- "I don't have anything to confess."- I whimpered and closed my eyes, 'cos I knew he was going to continue his torture. And so he did. The pain was excruciating. I was sure I was going to pass out

I tried to go to a happy place in my head, somewhere when I could hide from all that pain. It was too hard, though. It hurt too much. I kept repeating over and over again I wasn't a sinner, begging Hankel for mercy, as he shouted I had to confess.

I made an effort to think about what he might want me to say. What did he want me to confess? Which sins was he talking about? But nothing came to my mind, nothing but the pain and the fear of dying.

(Y/N)'s point of view

The second we reached Hankel's cabin, I started looking for Spencer. I had a horrible feeling about it. Morgan and I headed it to a barn with Prentiss. There was no sign of anyone. It was dark and quiet. Never a good sign.

- "Shit!"- I whispered, staring at three dead dogs and a bath of blood in front of me. There laid the body of another victim that was missing from Hankel's last attack.

- "FBI!!"- JJ shouted suddenly. She was pointing his gun to us, clearly in shock- "Don't move!!"

- "JJ, it's Morgan, (Y/L/N), and Prentiss! Don't shoot"- Derek tried to calm her down, walking towards her- "Are you hurt?"- she lowered the gun and stared at us. You could read the fear and the trauma in her eyes.

- "Tobias Hankel is the unsub,"- she whispered as Prentiss rubbed her arm sweetly, trying to comfort her.

- "Yeah, we know"- I moved towards her too and put my gun back into the holster.

- "And we thought he was just a witness"- we looked around, and JJ pointed at the dead dogs.

- "JJ, where is Reid?"- Derek asked her, but she just continued talking.

- "They completely tore her apart"

- "JJ, look at me,"- I said and held her arm carefully- "Look at me, where's Reid?"- she was shaking, and her voice was cracking. I knew she was making her best effort to pull herself together.

- "We split up. He said he was going to go in the back."

And there it was. That was the reason why I had a bad feeling all along. Derek looked at me and nodded as we read each other's minds. The two of us turned around and ran outside, leaving JJ with Prentiss, waiting for the medical team and ambulance to check on her wounds.

Gideon and Hotch were inside the cabin, looking for Hankel, but there was no one there. And there was no sign of Reid behind the barn either, in the cornfield, or anywhere in the perimeter. Reid was nowhere to be found, and I started losing it little by little. I tried to repeat myself the words Hotch had said many times during my year in the BAU: "when you are out there with the team; your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case." But the case had never included my best friend missing before.

- "Hey, is there any sign of him yet?- I asked the police chief as I reached the ambulance. He was there talking with JJ, making sure she was ok.

- "We got every one of our units on the road. He won't make it far"- I nodded and watched him walk away. I knew he thought I was talking about Hankel, but I actually meant Reid.

I turned to JJ and moved a little closer to her. Her eyes open wide, staring back at me.

- "You can't find Reid?"- I just shook my head and tried to sound as casual as I could, not to freak her out. She was still in shock. I didn't want to make it worse.

- "Not yet"

- "(Y/N)"- Derek held my arm and forced me to walk away from the ambulance.- "Reid followed him into the cornfield. It looks like somebody got dragged."

My heart stopped. Did the psychopath hurt Spencer? Did he kill him? Did he torture him? Was he hurt? Was he alive? Where was he? Derek looked at me, and I nodded. I bit my lips and took a deep breath. Hotch's words were my mantra now: "your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case."

- "Are you sure?"- we turned to the police's chief, overhearing his conversation- "We are on our way now."

- "What's going on?"

- "The sheriff down two towns over, he just gave directions to a man who fit Hankel's descriptions. It's to a motor lodge in fort bend."

- "Let's get Hotch and Gideon"- Derek held my arm and walked with me to the cabin. We had to find Reid, and we had to do it fast.

That was the worst night of my life. The first worst night of my life, to be sincere. I didn't close an eye. I went through every paper, every note, every detail in that cabin, trying to find a clue that could lead us to where Tobias had taken Reid.

I felt someone had ripped my heart from my chest. I had to think straight, and to do it, I had to keep a cold head. But as the hours passed, it became a more demanding and more challenging task to complete. I knew the whole team was suffering, but that didn't ease my pain. And I knew JJ felt guilty, but that didn't stop me from blaming her in my mind. She left him alone. I would have never left Spencer alone on the field.

- "(Y/N), you should try to get some rest."

Derek whispered as he sat on the floor next to me, where I had been sitting for the last half hour, reading Tobias's old diaries. Nothing but fear of his father, mentions of Dilaudid use, and bible transcriptions.

- "I'm ok,"- I answered and didn't even take my eyes from the pages.

- "(Y/N), I mean it"

- "I'm not going to rest if he is out there in the hands of a psychopath, Derek"- I had to bite my lips and shut the fuck up, 'cos if I said one more word, I knew I was going to burst into tears.

Morgan just wrapped an arm around my shoulders and moved me closer to him. That was the first time I let him hug me, and it felt good to know I wasn't alone in my desperation. I knew he loved Reid like a brother, and neither of us was going to stop until we found him.

- "Welcome to our nightmare"- JJ's voice broke the silence we had been into for the last hour when Hotch walked into the cabin with Penelope.

It was morning already. There were still no signs of Reid. Prentiss, Gideon, JJ, and I had been sitting at the table, reading everything we could.

- "His computer is an extension of his brain. I need you to dissect it,"- Gideon whispered to García. You could feel the concern in his voice. She just nodded in shock and turned to Derek, who held her hand and helped her get set up in the computer room.

- "So, nothing new since I left?"- Hotch asked and looked at us. I just shook my head and continued reading.

- "Well, the good thing is the guy documented practically every second of his life"- Prentiss words took me from the pages I was reading. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. The concept of "good" was poorly used in that phrase.

- "The bad news is, we are still un-piling,"- she added and sighed.

- "From the looks of it, he hasn't left this place in years,"- JJ managed to say. She made her best effort to be useful, but she was in worse shape than everybody else. Yet, that didn't make me feel bad for her. I was mad at her and kept making my best to put it aside, 'cos my head had to be in the case.

- "He knew he could pretend to be looking for a motel and throw us off his trail,"- Emily inferred, but I shook my head as soon as I heard her.

- "No, no, no, it's more than that!"- I shook my head and took a deep breath- "Sheriff's office, 911 calls, every time he engages the police and gets away with it... he reassures himself, God's on his side. Not ours."- I added.

Gideon nodded, and we shared a moment of agreement. He was as worried as I was. I could feel it. I'm not saying the rest of the team wasn't, I'm saying Jason was as fucked up as I was, and I could sense he was having the same trouble I had making sure my head and not my sentiments were into the case.

But if anything happened to Reid, I didn't know what I was capable of doing.

At a certain point, I got sick of reading and not doing anything and decided to look around the house again if we had missed anything. Derek went along. One part of me felt he wanted to stay away from JJ too. Maybe he was as mad as I was about her leaving Reid alone. I know I couldn't blame her, but I did it anyway.

- "Guys!! I think I've got something!"- Derek yelled, and I ran over. He opened a door that led to a basement. I walked right behind him, pointing my gun and my flashlight all over. But there was no sign of Reid.

- "Tobias Hankel!!"- Morgan shouted. Someone was sitting in what looked to be a gigantic freezer- "Tobias!"- but we didn't get any response. I took a step closer and examined carefully.

- "Morgan, I think we just found Hankel's father."

Spencer's point of view

On my second night in that cabin, I met Tobias. The third personality of Hankel walked into the room, carrying what seemed to be a dead deer. He looked as frightened as I was.

- "You need to eat."

- "What's your name?"

- "Tobias."

- "Tobias, who was here before?"

- "Probably my father."

He looked at me up and down, and he immediately understood what he had done to me. It was scary how he could dissociate. Someone with multiple personality disorder is usually unaware of the other personality states and memories when an alter is dominant. In this case, Tobias knew the other personalities but considered them different persons. He didn't think they were all in his head.

- "I'm sorry if he hurt you."

He looked at me like he understood everything I had been going through. Maybe he had been through something similar when his father was alive. Perhaps he had been a victim of Hankel as well, and that's what triggered his psychopathic nature.

He walked over and took out his belt.

- "What are you doing?"- he wrapped it around my arm, and I started begging him to stop.

- "It helps"- he took out of his pocket a needle and a small bottle of what seemed to be some kind of drug.

- "Don't tell my father. He doesn't know they are here."

- "Please, I don't want it, I don't want it, please"- I cried and begged.

- "It helps. I know"- it was the last thing Tobias said before the needle found my vein.

And he was right. It helped. Every single amount of pain I was feeling disappeared. My brain shut down. Somehow, everything was ok. I never had in my entire life felt so good before.

My mind kept flashing memories of when I was a kid. I kept seeing images of the day my father left and how he called my mother crazy.

- "You are weak"- mom spit those words after he refused to take me with him. I know she said it not because she didn't want me with her, but because mom knew she was sick and wanted the best for me. And he refused.

- "I'm not weak."- I whispered as I looked at her smiling back at me.

- "I know, honey."

I don't know how long I was drugged, but when I woke up, Tobias wasn't there with me anymore. It was his father.

And the torture continued.

(Y/N)'s point of view

Gideon was trying to convince me to go out with Prentiss and JJ to see a Narcotics anonymous's contact that might give us more information about Tobias. Emily had found some flyers about it in his room, and it could be the only lead we had to find him and Reid.

- "You need to get out of this house for a while"- he whispered and tapped on my back.

I knew he wasn't the one to be loving or physical with people, less with me. But that moved me. I turned to him and my eyes watered up. I was scared, and I couldn't hide it anymore. The more hours passed, the fewer the chances were to find Spencer safe. Alive.

I felt his arms around me suddenly, holding me tight, trying to keep the pieces of me together. We were alone on the porch, and though I didn't want to fall apart, I couldn't hold it anymore.

Jason didn't say a word. He just hugged me and let me cry for a few minutes. I didn't say anything either. I actually couldn't because I was overwhelmed with everything.

- "Are you ready, (Y/N)?"

Prentiss whispered as she walked over with JJ. I turned my back at them for a second to hide the tears that kept falling down my cheeks. I knew it was a shitty thing to do, 'cos it was obvious I had been sobbing, but they gave me the courtesy of not saying anything.

- "You go, I need (Y/N)'s assistance with some diary entries"- the two of them walked away quietly, and thankfully, didn't argue with Gideon.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and felt his hand on my shoulder one more time.

- "You are doing a fantastic job,"- he said and turned around.

I wish I could tell you that made me feel better, but instead, I just thought I had the duty to bring my friend back home safe.

It had been at least an hour since the girls left. Morgan, Hotch, Gideon, and the police chief were in the living room with me, reading. I sipped my hundredth cup of coffee and re-read the same diary entry for the third time.

- "There's something weird going on here."- I thought out loud and walked towards Gideon

- "You think?"- the police chief turned to me and raised an eyebrow, ironically.

- "No, seriously, check this out. This journal is filled with religious ramblings. He notated hour by hour: "November 15th, 3:17, if ye offer a sacrifice of peace offering unto the Lord, ye shall offer it at your own will", and it goes on and on: 5:04, 7:41, 10:22, 1:42."

I made a short pause and looked at Gideon and Hotch. They didn't get where I was going.

- "But then, it goes blank for days."

- "Maybe he got sick of writing"- I seriously hated that police chief.

- "I think I got it"- Hotch whispered- "Journal entry: "December 6th. Father is sick. He wants me to put him down. I say thou shalt not kill. He said, honor thy father. Must pray for guidance."

- "So he kills his father as an act of mercy?"- Gideon asked, knowing the answer.

- "This is two months ago. Tobias Hankel's father had been dead for four months already."

- "That's exactly it"- I murmured, thinking Tobias Hankel was way more fucked up than we thought.

- "Look at the floor"- Derek pointed at a chair and moved it- "These scuffs marks are fresh. It's like two people were pushing the chairs constantly, trying to fight for control."

- "So?"- I swear to God, that chief was driving me insane.

- "This journal matches Charles Hankel's handwriting, but it was written after he died"- I explained. Still, it felt he wasn't following me.

- "What do you mean?"

- "Upstairs, Tobias' bedroom got junk piled from floor to ceiling, but the other bedroom could pass a military inspection."

- "So, are you telling me one of Tobias' personalities was his father?"

Apparently, I had to draw a picture so the chief would get it. Fortunately, Gideon continued explaining the whole problem before I lost what was left of my patience.

- "Well, Tobias was raised with a strict religious code, black and white, right and wrong. When his father asked Tobias to kill him, something had to give."

- "His brain couldn't handle the moral contradiction, so he split into two personalities to keep his father alive."

Hotch tried to put it most easy and simple words possible.

- "So, who is Raphael?"

- "My guess, he is a mediator between the two"- Gideon nodded at my words and sighed.

- "Angels have no human emotions, live or die. They don't care, as long it's God's will."

- "We need to start profiling Tobias' father. He may be the one who chose where to take Reid."

Finally, I felt we were going somewhere.

When Emily and JJ came back, they gave us the news. Tobias was addicted to Dilaudid, which explained the fracture in his mind, and how he lived with three distinct personalities.

The police chief announced a computer store robbery, giving us some hopes that Tobias would use them to track him down.

- "Guys!! Guys!! get in here!!- I heard Derek shouting and I ran to the computer room. I felt sick in the stomach in less than a second. There he was, Spencer. My Spencer Walter Reid, tied to a chair, bleeding, shoeless. Clearly tortured.

- "He's been beating,"- I whispered, feeling my eyes water up. I would have given anything to be there instead of him.

- "Can you track him?!"- JJ yelled by my side, and I nearly smacked her. That's how sensitive I was feeling.

- "Hankel's only streaming this to his home computer."- Garcia whispered. And my heart dropped with those words.

That wasn't what I was supposed to hear. We were supposed to find him and bring him back safe.

- "This is for us"- Gideon didn't take his eyes from the screen- "He knows we are here."

- "I'm gonna put this guy's head on a stick"- Morgan was so mad I believed him. I wanted to do the same, if worse.

- "I'm gonna kill him myself as soon as we find him,"- I said and felt Aaron's hand on my shoulder as he asked Garcia

- "Why can't you locate him?"

- "He's rerouting to a different IP address every 30 seconds. I can't track him."

It knew it had to be hard if Penelope couldn't find her, but that didn't help. If anything, it made everything worse. I felt powerless. Hankel couldn't be more intelligent than us.

Spencer's point of view

- "Are you ready, boy?"- Hankel pulled my hair and forced me to look at him. I was still as high as fuck, but knew I was about to be tortured again.

- "Ready for what?"

- "My weakling son thinks God gave you to him for a reason"- if the reason was to get me into drugs, then the answer was yes.

Hankel placed a video camera in front of me.

- "Can you really see inside men's minds?"- he asked me and made a pause, pointing to three screens- See these vermin?

It took me a second to realize he was showing me images of real people. He had put cameras in those people's houses. How? When? What kind of sick game did he want me to play with him?

- "Choose one to die. I let you choose one to live."

- "No"- I didn't even think about my answer.

- "I thought you wanted to be some kind of savior."

- "You are a sadist and a psychotic break. You won't stop killing. Your word is not true."

I don't know if it was because of the drugs or because I hadn't eaten or drank any water in too long, but I was somehow resigned and tired of fighting.

- "The other heathens are watching- Hankel announced and pointed at the camera in front of me."

My eyes fixated on the camera right away. My team was watching me. (Y/N) was watching me. I didn't want to make her worry even more. I needed her to know I was ok. I know I wasn't, but I didn't want her to worry about me.

- "Choose a sinner to die, and I'll say the name and address of the person to be saved"- Hankel was sick. It was all a game, and religion was just an excuse to kill.

- "I won't get to choose who gets slaughtered and have you leave their remains behind like a poacher."

Hankel didn't like my answer, 'cos he grabbed me and pulled me up, looking into my eyes, insulted, annoyed, losing his temper.

- "Can you really see into my mind, boy?"

He was honestly scary, and it petrified me to think he could execute me right there, in front of the team, and I could never tell them how much they mean.

- "Can you see I'm not a liar?!"- he insisted. I nearly whimpered but made my best not to break- "Choose one to die and save a life. Otherwise, they are all dead."

He dropped me on the chair and turned around. It was clear he wasn't joking. I took a deep breath and nodded.

- "Alright, I'll choose who lives."

- "They are all the same"

My eyes traveled across all the monitors. It was nearly impossible to pick one person to live, knowing all the other people there would die. Hankel was sick, and I had to set a plan to escape because otherwise, I would end up dead.

- "Far right screen,"- I whispered. He turned around and nodded.

Then, he recited the name and address of the woman on the screen. I prayed for the team to find her before Hankel came after her too.

No. It wasn't Hankel this time.

- "Raphael,"- I whispered, and he nodded. I looked at the screen again. The woman we were watching picked up the phone. She was in her kitchen. He walked around, frowned, and turned to her computer. In a second, she had turned it off. My team had reached her. She was safe, I hoped.

Hankel turned the camera off and looked at me.

- "You've done your part. Now it's my turn."

I knew what that meant. It wasn't good.

He left the cabin, and all I could see were the monitors in front of me. Those people were going to die. They were going to die because I didn't pick them. I killed them. You don't need to pull a trigger to kill someone. I could never forget those words. And this time, they meant more than anytime before. I didn't press a trigger, but I had killed two innocent people. And I actually had to watch them die.

When I saw Rapahel walk into the victims' house, I tried to close my eyes and think of anything else. A part of me kept thinking he wasn't going to kill them. He just wanted to threaten me.

But not. Raphael slaughtered them.

I found myself craving whatever it was that Tobias had given me the night before. The drug in my veins had given me a kind of peace I had never felt. And I never thought I'd have either. The type of peace that can be addictive, 'cos it turns your head off. And God knows, sometimes I needed to turn my head off.

Remembering everything that has ever happened to me, especially all the awful things, wasn't a gift. It was a burden. And whatever it was that Tobias had put in my veins, it had taken that burden from my shoulders, at least for a couple of hours.

Who wouldn't want some more of that peace?

- "Reid!"- Gideon's voice took me from my thoughts. He was sitting right in front of the camera in the victim's house. He was there with Hotch and the police, investigating the crime scene.

- "If you are watching this, you are not responsible for this. You understand me? he is perverting God to justify murder. You are stronger than him. He can not break you."

I know he meant it. But I couldn't believe any of that, not after watching a family get slaughter just because I didn't pick them.

(Y/N)'s point of view

- "I thought you were going to try and get some rest,"- I said as JJ walked to me in silence. I made myself my hundredth cup of coffee, and she just showed up next to me, trying to engage in conversation, I guess.

- "Everybody else is working. I should be too."

- "We can handle it,"- I whispered and refused to look at her. I swear I was trying not to hate her, but it was getting harder and harder with every hour that passed without finding Reid.

- "It's funny, I keep thinking the one thing we need to crack this case is... well... Reid"- she chuckled, nervously and I just looked at her and nodded. I didn't even smile. I didn't move a muscle.

I didn't want to be with her, or anyone, as a matter of fact. And I wasn't going to hide it anymore. So I tried to walk away.

- "You think Reid and I should have stayed together at the barn, don't you?"

I stopped walking and looked at her. You could tell she was having a hard time facing the whole situation, and most of all, you could tell she felt guilty.

That really didn't stop me from being mad at her. I was trying to be the better woman during the investigation, but the uncertainty was getting on my nerves.

- "JJ, go get some rest,"- I tried to answer calmly, but I knew I was looking at her like she was dead to me.

- "I can tell that's what you are thinking, so..."

- "I just wanna get Spencer home safe."

- "But... if I had his back like I was supposed to do, he'd be here now"- and that was enough.

- "JJ, what the fuck do you want from me?"

- "I just...."- she was about to cry, you could tell- "I want someone to tell me the truth."

- "You want the truth? Ok, there you go: I would have never left him alone. None of this would have happened if I had been the one with him out there! 'cos I would never let anyone or anything hurt him!!"

I shouted. All the anger I had been feeling those days was finally getting off my chest. And fuck, it felt good.

- "You fucked it up, JJ, and if something happens to Spencer, I am never going to forgive you, never!"

JJ bit her lips, trying her best not to cry. But I still couldn't feel sorry for her.

- "Is that the truth you were looking for?"

- "(Y/L/N)?"- Hotch stood next to me with the most annoyed look in his eyes.

I knew I was out of line, but this wasn't about work anymore. This was personal. This was Reid we were talking about, and JJ had fucked it up. There was nothing to discuss.

- "What? You sent him with her, now she is here, and he isn't. What else is there to say?"

- "(Y/N)!"- Hotch followed me as I stormed out of the kitchen and out of the cabin- "(Y/N)! stop!"

- "What?!"- and I simply snapped- "Are you gonna suspend me for telling her the truth? Are you going to fire me for losing my shit while working a case!? Fine! I don't care! I don't give a fuck! All I care about right now is that my best friend is missing, and a fucking psychopath has him! That's all I can think of. That's all I've been thinking about for the last two days!"

I was yelling at Hotch. I was yelling at my unit chief. I was fucked. I knew he was going to fire me after that. But I couldn't help it. I was going insane. Tears kept falling from my eyes as I held my cup of coffee tight, holding onto it with my life.

- "(Y/N), we are all worried about Reid."

- "I know you are all worried. I am too, and I'm also afraid and mad and going fucking insane knowing I am standing here not knowing what to do to save him."

- "That doesn't give you the right to treat JJ like this is her fault"- I don't know if he was talking like my unit chief or like a father figure trying to end a fight between two of his kids.

- "Did she stay with Reid?"- I simply replied and looked at Hotch in the eyes- "Did she?"

- "She is not the only one who feels guilty, so do I. And I know I won't forgive myself if anything happens to Reid."

Hotch made a pause and tried to find a way to say what he wanted to say. The door opened, and Gideon walked to us. He knew what was going on, and he didn't say a thing. I was sure he had already heard everything. We weren't actually arguing quietly.

- "We are not getting any closer,"- Aaron finally said.

- "Reid is brilliant. He'll figure out how to survive"- Gideon's words were way more hopeful than my thoughts. In my mind, Reid was too scared to think of a way to escape.

- "You know, I always take advantage of Reid for his brain. But I never actually teach him how to deal with things emotionally."

Hotch whispered, and his words were filled with regret. I was filled with anger and anxiety, and I know the two of them felt the same. But they way better at handling their feelings.

- "Lead by example,"- Jason answered, probably trying to make him feel better.

- "What kind of example is that?"- I simply replied, and both of them stayed in silence.

I don't think my words helped Hotch, but I wasn't trying to do that either. I was just honest. And Hotch's emotional assistance was shit on the field. Even Gideon was better.

- "He'll make it,"- Jason reassured us and nodded- "Now stop arguing and go back to work."

Spencer's point of view

I was glad when Tobias came to me that night with a needle in his hand and put the drug into my vein. I needed some release after watching a family die 'cos I didn't save them.

- "I'm sorry I had to leave"- he excused himself, preparing the drug next to me.

- "You can leave again, and you can take me with you,"- I begged in a soft voice.

- "My father would be angry,"- he replied and didn't even look at me. This time, I didn't even argue when he wrapped the belt around my arm. I was even a little eager he'd do it faster.

- "Not if he can't find us."

- "He always finds me."

- "If you tell me where we are, my friends will come, and they'll save us."

He gave me a look, mixed with horror and resignation. It broke my heart to think for a moment of all the horrors that lead Tobias to be as sick as he was.

- "We can't be saved,"- he simply replied.

- "We can, we can, I promise. If you tell me where we are, I'll save us both."

- "Listen to me. It's not worth fighting."

Somehow, I understood why he said that. I was afraid and shaking but still did my best not to think of all the pain I was in, of the terror that haunted me day and night.

- "Tell me it doesn't make it better- he said and showed me the needle."

I couldn't say no, 'cos he was right. It did. The drugs made his horrible situation bearable. I could understand why someone decided to use something to avoid the pain. I had faced all and each one of the pain and horrors in my life sober. It was time life was a little bit sweeter, in a sick way.

I remembered being twelve. Mom had had one of her episodes the day before, she was in bed, and I woke her up. I walked into her room and opened the curtains. It was already five in the afternoon, and she still refused to get out of bed.

- "The doctor says you need to get out of bed,"- I argued when she repeated she was just resting.

- "I've been reading"

- "He says you need exercise"- she sighed and tried to make a joke.

- "That's because his idea of good literature is Our bodies, ourselves."

- "Well, he is your doctor."

- "He is a neanderthal"- I gave up and started walking out of the room. She just laid in bed and looked at me.

- "Where are you going?"

- "I'm going to see if Jeff wants to play"- Jeff was our next-door neighbor and my only friend growing up.

- "Come here. Let me read to you."

I know Garcia made fun of me when I said my mother used to read me Valentine's sonnets when I was a kid. Most people think I have a weird relationship with mom, but they don't understand what it was like growing up with her. They don't know what it was like for a twelve-year-old boy to finish high school, facing bullies. Handling the pressure of being a kid genius and the fact I had to take care of a schizophrenic mother.

How come I didn't start using drugs earlier?

I remember that afternoon I sat next to my mother, and she made me pick one of the many books she had with her on the bed. I choose Proust. I knew she loved it. I loved it as well.

"For a long time, I used to go to bed early. Sometimes, when I had put out my candle, my eyes would close so quickly that I had not even time to say, "I'm going to sleep."

I can still hear her voice, reading to me. Both of us avoided reality for a while, hiding in the books. I always do it regardless. I hide in the books to forget. I hide in knowledge to avoid acknowledging the real personal issues I have. I hide in my work saving people when no one ever saved me.

I work catching psychopaths when I know I might actually have a mental issue myself. I might end up just like mom, and it frightens me so much; there are many nights I can't even close an eye. If I get sick too, then no one will take care of her. I am the only one in her life. And she is the only one in mine.

She and (Y/N), but there is no way my best friend would ever take care of me if I got sick. Not because she wouldn't want to do it, but because I would never let her. I don't want to be a burden in her life. And she would hate me, I know. And I could never live in a world where (Y/N) hates me. Not then, not now.

(Y/N). She is the best thing that happened to me in the BAU. Yes, I had a family with my team, but she was different. She was my life. She was the reason why I smiled. She was the one person that made me feel I was important to someone. I knew the rest of my friend loved me, but I loved her.

That was it. I loved (Y/N). And I was scared I was never going to see her again.

(Y/N)'s point of view

I was standing next to Penelope. She kept trying to force me to eat. She knew I was living on coffee, but I just couldn't swallow anything. She held my hand as the two of us stared at the screens, hopefully waiting for Hankel to make contact again.

- "Any more signs of Reid?"- JJ walked over to us slowly and looked at me, afraid I might snap on her again. I just shook my head and sighed, doing my best to be nice to her.

- "He just posted the last murder online."

- "It had over 17 thousand hits in the first twenty minutes,"- Penelope added, and her voice was so full of revulsion. It was clear she couldn't handle the horror in the human mind.

- "I want to see it,"- JJ said, and I frowned, confused.

- "No, you don't,"- Garcia answered and looked at me- "Come on, munchkin, just eat one cookie, please."

- "Don't tell me what I want and don't want!"- JJ's tone shocked us both. She was severe and angry. She was rude at Penelope, and for a second, I almost snapped again.

- "If I can't watch this..."- JJ whispered and glued her eyes on the screen- "I have no business being in the field."

She looked at me when she was done talking, and for once during those awful days, I felt some kind of compassion for her. She had to be feeling like shit, no doubt, and no matter how mad I was at her, she was still my friend, and I didn't want her to suffer either.

- "JJ, it's not a competition,"- I tried to say in the softest voice possible.

- "I... I need to see it."

- "If you stop being affected by things, you lose parts of yourself, you know."

It was somehow ironic that I was the one saying those things. Me of all people in that team. Me, the one who was afraid the most of losing herself in work.

- "Show me"- she finally looked at Garcia, ignoring my words, and Penelope pleased her. She pushed play and simply said

- "I won't watch this with you."

García held my hand, walking me out of the room, leaving JJ alone in the room. She sighed and wiped the tears that started falling down her eyes.

- "I don't know how you do it either"- she whispered- "I don't know how you watch those things every day and don't go insane."

- "If it makes you feel better, I don't know how I do either, and it scared me to think my heart might be numbing with each case we solve. With every psychopath we catch."

- "We are gonna find him"- she assured me and held my hands tight- "We are bringing him home safe, I swear."

- "Let's go find Gideon,"- I said, nodding at her words- "He needs to know Tobias posted the last murder."

Jason was mad, beyond furious. He was losing it. Derek and Prentiss kept trying to crack Hankel and discover where he had taken Reid. Meanwhile, Garcia, Gideon, and I made our best to take the video of the murder from the web.

- "I have a list of everyone from the file-sharing chain. I could send out a mass warning that the video is actually a virus,"- Garcia said and started typing as fast as possible. I just stared at the screen, waiting for something, anything to happen.

But I wasn't waiting for what came next.

- "Confess your sins"- Hankel's voice made me jump, and the sight of Reid, still tied to that chair, bleeding, and being tortured, broke my heart again.

- "Confess!!"- that sick psychopath shouted and hit him.

- "I haven't done anything,"- Spencer sobbed, but it was useless. Hankel kept punching him, over and over again, even when my best friend begged for mercy.

I felt Jason hold my hand as I was holding Garcia's. The three of us felt powerless, useless, angry, and scared, all at the same time. I couldn't bear to watch Reid being tortured, but at the same time, I was so glad he was still alive.

That until Hankel beat him so hard, he pushed him back in the chair, and Reid started convulsing.

- "He is killing him,"- Penelope cried, and I closed my eyes, biting my lips. Spencer was choking, and that mother fucker just stood there, watching him die.

- "That's the devil vacating your body"- he spit those words as Reid simply passed out. I didn't know if he was dead. I didn't know if he was going to make it. Shit! I didn't know anything.

I let go of Jason and Penelope and stormed out of the room. I was unprofessional, and I knew it, but I knew I would quit if anything happened to Reid. I wasn't going to stay working at the BAU if Spencer died.

- "Are you ok?"- Derek grabbed my arm. I just broke into tears and held him tight. He wrapped his arms around me and let me cry.

- "He's dying! We can't find him!!"- I sobbed against his chest.

- "(Y/N)! (Y/N)!"- I heard Penelope yelling as we all rushed back to the computer room. Hankel was giving CPR to Reid, trying to bring him back to life.

- "Come on, come on, please,"- I begged as I watched him pushing his chest over and over again until Spencer woke up, gasping for air.

- "Thank God!"- Hotch sighed and rubbed his hands against his face. The whole team let out a breath of relief simultaneously, and I kept watching Reid. His opened eyes gave me hope.

- "Wait,"- Prentiss said suddenly- "When was the video of the last murder posted?"

- "Nine thirty"- Penelope answered

- "And when was the time of death?"

- "The 911 call came in at 9:04, and the murder must have been moments later."- Hotch added and didn't even turn to look at Prentiss. We were all still shocked looking at the screen.

- "That's just a 19 minutes difference,"- I said and turned to García- "How long would it take to post that file?"

- "Two or three minutes."

- "Let's call it two,"- I said, getting excited- "You figure a maximum of 60 miles an hour in a residential area. That means Hankel has to be within a 17-mile radius of the crime scene."

For a second, I felt I was rambling facts just like Reid would. It made me miss him even more.

- "García, can we see it on the map?"- Aaron whispered. He was clearly affected, and it also made me feel selfish, knowing I had made a tantrum with the whole team, forgetting they were suffering as well.

- "Call chief Farraday"- Jason commanded as soon as we saw the map of the area on the screen- "I want that area locked down like it's martial law."

JJ stood up and grabbed her phone but didn't make the call. García warned us something was going on with Reid and all of us stared at the screen in silence.

Spencer was on his back on the floor, still tied to a chair. It was clear he wasn't fully conscious of what was happening.

- "You came back to life,"- mother fucker Hankel said, spitting the words in anger.

- "Raphael,"- Reid whispered, recognizing one of his personalities.

- "There can be only one of two reasons."

- "I was given CPR,"- my friend whispered, but it was clear that wasn't one of the psycho's options.

- "There are no accidents. How many members of our team are watching us right now?"

- "Seven."

- "The seven angels who had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound. The first sounding followed hail, and they were thrown to the earth."

- "He thinks it's the revelations"- Hotch explained- "The seven archangels versus the seven angels of death."

I didn't know much about religion, but it didn't take a genius to figure out he didn't believe we were the good guys.

- "Tell me who you serve."

- "I serve you,"- Reid answered right away. His voice was a whisper. He had to be exhausted.

- "Then choose one to die"

- "What?!"

- "Your team members, choose one to die"- I knew what he was going to answer at that, and I didn't want to hear it.

- "Kill me,"- he replied immediately, and I closed my eyes, unable to watch what would happen next.

- "You said you weren't one of them."

- "I lied."

- "Your team has seven other members. Tell me who dies."

- "No"- Penelope gasped, and Prentiss cursed. I opened my eyes and nearly fainted. Hankel had a gun pointed against Reid's forehead.

The silence amongst the team was unbearable. Neither of us knew what to do. We were all panicking, praying, desperate.

- "Choose and prove you'll do God's will."

- "No."

Neither of us moved. Neither of us breathed until Hakel pulled the trigger, and no bullet came out. I nearly sigh, but it wasn't over.

- "Choose"- he repeated

- "I won't do it"- Hankel didn't even wait. He just pulled the trigger, and we all jumped at the same time. He was safe again.

- "Life is a choice."

- "No,"- Reid repeated once again. And Hankel pulled the trigger for the third time.

- "Choose"- and for the first time, Spencer made a pause. Was going to pick one of us to die?

- "I choose"- the whispered- "Aaron Hotchner."

Derek and I looked at him, and his pale face didn't move a muscle.

- "He's the classic narcissist. He thinks he's better than everyone else on the team. Genesis 23:4 "Let him not deceive himself, and trust in emptiness, vanity falseness, and futility, for these shall be his recompense."

Hotch stormed out of the room as Hankel pulled the trigger one more time and shot the wall.

I felt I was going to puke. If Reid hadn't picked one of us, he would be dead.

- "For God's will,"- the mother fuck said, as he put another bullet in the gun after removing the casing.

I couldn't look anymore. I followed Gideon and Derek to find Aaron going through all Tobias's diaries on the table.

- "I'm not a narcissist,"- he said as soon as he saw us.

- "Come on. Look, you can't think anything from that"- Jason tried to calm him down, in case he was somehow affected by what Reid had just said on camera- "He is not in his right mind, Hotch."

- "No, stop, stop. Alright, everybody, right now: what's my worst quality?"

He had to be kidding. We all stared at him, muted, lost in that conversation. What was his point? Neither of us said a word. We just looked at each other, confused and awkward.

- "Ok, I'll start. I have no sense of humor."

- "You are a bully,"- JJ added.

- "You can be a drill sergeant sometimes,"- I said, and he nodded.

- "Right."

- "You don't trust women as much as men"- you could feel it in Prentiss's voice. That one was personal.

- "Ok, good. I'm all these things, but none of you said that I ever put myself above the team because I don't, ever. Reid and I argued about the definition of classic narcissism, and he knew that I would remember that. He also quoted Genesis chapter 23, verse 4. Read it."

Hotch gave me the book. He wasn't even breathing as she spoke. He was in a hurry. We were all.

- "I'm a stranger and a sojourner with you. Give me property, forbear a place among you that I may bury my dead of my sight."

- "He wouldn't get it wrong unless it were on purpose."

- "He is in a cemetery."- I said and looked at him. He nodded, and I swear to God, I saw a slight smile on his lips. That smile was hope. We were getting closer.

Spencer's point of view

I took a sip of water. I hadn't drunk in days, and my throat burned. I was still a little lost, still a little off.

- "Tobias, is that you?"- I saw him nod, sitting next to me. He moved the cup of water closer so that I could drink some more.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and looked at him- You saved my life- he stared down at the ground and finally whispered

- "I'm sorry."

- "Why?"

- "He'll win in the end."

It was sad to see Tobias Hankel's good person locked inside a sick mind that also held a psychopath like his father.

- "Tobias, I need to know something. It's important. Are we in a cemetery?"- and he nodded. I smiled at him and sighed, relieved. Help was coming. My team was coming.

- "I used to come here to get high."

- "I was right."

- "No one bothers you here. I never told anyone about it."

He wrapped his belt around my arm, and I turned to him, still smiling. I didn't know if I were happy I was right or glad I would get high again. Maybe both. Maybe the second 'cos the minute that needle got to my vein, that sweet, sweet release felt like a bath of joy that washed away any pain, regret, or guilt I could have ever felt.

Guilt. I've had my share of that. I remember the day I had my mom admitted to the hospital. She hadn't eaten in days. She wouldn't take care of herself, and they're just so much I could do. I wasn't able to keep her safe from herself, from her mind.

- "What are these men doing here?"- she asked me as I walked with two nurses into the study. She was writing and reading. It was all she did, preparing lectures for classes she didn't have to give, in imaginary campuses.

I stood in front of her and hesitated for a second. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, telling mom I was taking her away from her own house.

- "They are from the hospital. They are here to help,"- I whispered and looked at my mother's confused expression. She was so thin. She looked so sick. I felt so guilty I couldn't do better for her.

- "I don't need help, and you can't be here without permission, tell them, Spencer."

She looked down at her books again and tried to continue writing. I took a deep breath, I knew I would break her heart, but there was nothing else I could do.

- "I called them"- she looked at me in pain. Deep, honest pain. Like I had just shattered her heart. Which I had done.

- "Spencer"- she simply whispered and stared into my eyes, begging for an explanation. I was trying my best not to cry. I had a whole speech prepared. I was going to tell her how much I loved her. I was going to explain to her how good it was for her to be in a place where someone could continuously take care of her. I had facts and statistics, but all I managed to say was:

- "I'm doing this for you."

And I felt like a liar. 'Cos, there was a part of me that was doing it for myself too.

- "This isn't legal"- she shook her head in shock and kept trying to find a good explanation to what was going on.

- "Your son is eighteen, ma'am. He can act in your welfare,"- one of the make nurses explained to her.

- "You need help,"- I said and prayed she could understand. But she just burst into tears and begged.

- "I wanna stay here!"

- "I'm... sorry, mom."

- "Please, these are my things, this is my life..."

Those men took her. They took her from her house and put her in a hospital. No. I put her there. I put my mom in a hospital so I could live my life, 'cos I am selfish and couldn't take care of her anymore.

- "Spencer, please, don't do this to me."

Those were the words that haunted me day and night. And my mother's crying face, begging me not to take her from her own house.

What kind of a son am I? I did that to her. I put her in a mental place 'cos I couldn't deal with her disease anymore. 'Cos I didn't know how to take care of her.

- "What are you sorry for, boy?"- I heard Hankel ask when I woke up. I was muttering, "Sorry" as I came back from my trip.

- "I sent her away."

- "Who."

- "My mom. I couldn't help her."

- "Is that a confession?"- I nodded and looked around, confused. Lost. High- "You know the bible. Exodus 21:17"

- "And he that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to death,"- I whispered, scared and full of regret.

I heard him walk towards me. He kneeled and uncuffed me. I didn't know what was happening. Honestly, I was still too high to get what was going on around me.

- "Grab a shovel,"- he commanded and walked outside.

I was too weak to dig fast. I don't know how I was actually moving, but I was digging my own grave. I never thought I would ever end up doing such a thing. It's not something you think about, actually. Not unless you work in the BAU. Here, you start analyzing and considering the way you'll die: 'Cos you could, every day.

- "I ought to bury you alive in there, give you some time to think about what you've done,"- Hankel said and looked at me while I worked, playing with a knife.

- "I know what I've done."

- "Don't talk back to me! Dig!"

I pant and kept moving, very slowly, trying to buy myself some time too. I was sure the team was coming to get me any minute now. I was counting on them, though the more I thought about it, the less worthy of salvation I felt. Maybe I deserved to die after all.

I was almost certain I had seen some lights moving in the back. Flashlights. But it could be my mind playing tricks on me. I was too tired. And still too high, too.

- "Dig faster!"- he commanded me as I moved, losing my breath.

- "I'm not strong enough"- I cried, 'cos I felt like that. Like a failure, a child that aimed to be a grown-up and failed miserably. A bad son. The worst agent. A fake that deserved to die.

- "You are all weak!! Get out of there!"

Hankel took off his coat and left it on the ground. I slowly moved so he could dig for me, but the lights in the back took my attention, and he noticed. As soon as he turned around, I quickly grabbed his coat and reached out for the gun.

- "You've only got one bullet, son,"- he said as he looked at me. And I just pulled the trigger.

I shot him. I killed him. Hankel. Raphael. Tobias. I freed Tobias. Or at least, that is what I wanted to think.

- "Reid!!"- I heard (Y/N) yelling as I crawled to Tobia's body. He was still awake. He was himself.

- "You killed him"- he said, and he was relieved- "Do you think I'll get to see my mom again?"

- "I'm sorry,"- I whispered, and he was gone.

- "Reid!!"

(Y/N) yelled and ran over. She kneeled next to me and held me in her arms. I couldn't move, because for a few seconds, I couldn't believe she was real. She was there.

- "Honey, honey, are you ok? Can you hear me?"- she said, and tears started falling from her eyes- "Honey, it's me."

I just looked at her and hugged her. I hugged her as my life depended on it. There she was, next to me, finally.

- "I thought I was never going to see you again,"- I whispered and sobbed.

The urge to kiss her filled my whole body. I needed to taste her. I needed to show her how much I had needed her those days. But I knew I couldn't.

I didn't want to let her go. I didn't for a few minutes. I just hold onto her for my sanity. She kissed my forehead, cupping my face with both hands.

- "I'm so happy to see you. I'm glad you are ok... let's go to the ambulance, ok?"- I nodded but didn't let her go. I felt I could hold her forever. I wanted to keep her close for as long as I lived.

But the rest of the team gathered around us, and I wanted to thank them too. I needed to thank Hotch. So as soon as I let (Y/N) go, I wrapped my arms around him.

- "You alright?"- he asked me.

- "I knew you'd understand,"- I managed to say with tears falling from my eyes and a knot in my throat.

For a moment, I thought I was never going to see the team again. My family.

JJ held me close and apologized. I knew she felt guilty for leaving me alone, but I was the only one culpable for what had happened. I wanted to prove myself, and all I managed to do was prove I was a fool. A useless SSA.

- "It's alright, it wasn't your fault,"- I said and did my best to smile at her. But I know I failed. Gideon grabbed my arm and nodded.

- "Let's get you out of here."

- "Please,"- I whispered before we started walking- "Can I have a second alone?"- he looked at me and nodded, looking at Tobias' body lying by our side. He walked away, and I kneeled next to my capturer.

But instead of paying my respects, instead of cursing. Instead of anything, I took the Dilaudid bottles from his pocket and put them into mine.

And that's how the real hell started.

--

DIWK Taglist:

@all-tings-diego @big-galaxy-chaos @svveet-peas @muffin-cup @shilohpug

Spencer taglist

@calm-and-doctor

General Taglist

@spenxerslut @ash19871962

–

Do you want to be on the taglist or ramble about this chapter with me? Just send me a message here.

Next update: May 5th, 2021

[kittydemon9000]

Okay so once again, 3 am thoughts have gifted me with yet another au. It is by no means original but screw it: SmithSwap

The only things I’m switching is their ages, so now Nya is the older one, but it. Gets. Fun.

For specifics, as of the Pilots/S1 Nya is 15 and Kai is 11, because I want bebe kai

Now, prior to Wu showing up, it’s pretty much the same as canon only with roles reversed. Nya mostly runs the shop while Kai is trying to everything he can to make things easier for his big sister, and I mean everything. The only one Nya doesn’t stop him from doing is cooking because Kai is the better chef, though neither can figure out why. Nya also likes to tell Kai stories of their parents since he can’t remember them too well, much to his disappointment.

ANYWAY, Wu shows up, Kai gets upset he’s insulting his sister’s work, then Skulkin show up. Kai does get snatched, much to Nya worry and canon continues.

Okay but also tiny spinoff, it also would’ve been hilarious if Nya still got kidnapped because then when the guys meet Kai they’d be like “who is this sassy lost child?”

So then while Nya’s training, I’m actually going to say what happened when Kai is captured.

You see, a side affect of being really freaking old is that your perception of time changes, specifically how long periods seem shorter. Garmadon decided that because of the prophecy it would be best to snatch the Master of Fire, who he thought would be Ray.

So you can imagine his surprise when his Skulkin bring in a kicking, screaming 11 year old child.

He is, understandably, not happy and very confused.

He sends the Skulkin away and tries his best talking with Kai. Like, as little malice as he can in a gentle voice, and he actually learns a few things. 1) both Ray and Maya went missing years ago, 2) these kids have no idea about anything regarding the Elemental Masters, 3) Kai’s sister has been raising him since their parents went missing, and she’s only four years older than him

Understandably, he is concerned, but also sees this as an opportunity. If he raises the Master of Fire to be loyal to him, then he’ll never want to fulfill his role in the prophecy, thus ensuring his victory. also he really misses lloyd and now when he returns he’ll have two kids!!! how amazing is that

So yeah Kai’s stay in the Underworld isn’t that bad. This Garmadon guy is pretty nice, tells him awesome stories about his parents, teaches him a bunch of things(mostly how to fight), and really just acts like the paternal figure he never had(Garmadad is canon, no matter what form you can fight me on this). The only part that sucks in Samukai, but he’s just a jerk and Garmadon makes sure he’ll never actually do anything to hurt him. He does miss Nya a lot though.

Anyway back with Nya and the guys.

They don’t actually know the exact reason why she was here at the beginning. All they know was that Wu originally left for the Master of Fire and came back with her instead. They know she has a brother, but aren’t quite sure how he falls into it.

They learn her full story the night they’re heading to the Temple of Fire, at which when they’re winding down Zane brings up how she never actually told them how she met Wu.

They are very concerned when they find out the whole story and swear they’ll help her get him back, which is nice.

Then she sees Kai But Actually Garmadon, follows, and bam Sword of Fire time. She isn’t able to fully use it, but she’s able to get a few sparks. However, things then start to take a turn for the worst.

Kai is actually here, very confused why Garmadon’s having him tied to the ceiling, but hey Nya’s here! But then oh no he then realizes that Garmadon is the bad guy, which gets him upset and more then a little betrayed.

Seeing him hurt his sister, the one of raised him, actually has Kai pick up the sword and use his powers. Under normal circumstances, it probably wouldn’t have been bigger than a few sparks, however Kai has his big sister in danger, dealing with the betrayal of an almost father figure, holding the Sword of Fire, and being surrounded by his element.

So yeah. Not that small of a fire.

The guys and Wu are actually able to to witness the truly incredible fire blast he lets out from the camp, put two and two together, and start heading over. Wu didn’t follow Nya…..because plot and was the able to help them fight off the Skulkin.

Anyway, it’s more than enough to dissipate the shadows, however it also wakes up the dragon. Garmadon, who is sort of panicking because That Was Not Supposed To Happen, ends up scooping up an unconscious Kai and the Sword and retreating to the underworld, leaving behind a very pissed Nya and an equally pissed Fire Dragon.

But yeah, Nya deals with the dragon, they get the other ones and head to the Underworld with Wu this time, and he’s actually the reason they’re able to get past all the Skulkin. 

But yeah, Samukai gets vaporized and Garmadon about to leave when a feverish Kai makes his way in and begs Garmadon to not do it and that they can fix things.

And Garmadon….actually pauses for a second and you can see the conflict in his eyes before he shakes his head and says “there’s no going back for me” and walks through. Kai then collapses and the end up heading back home.

As for what’s up with Kai, who would’ve guessed tapping into a kind of power you aren’t supposed to have access to yet in a high stress situation would be bad for the body. He has a really bad fever but he’s fine after a few days.

The few month timeskip in between the Pilots and S1 is mostly spent training Kai, so they have quite a bit less free time. However when S1 starts and Kai hears about Lord Garmadon, he actually wants to check it out himself first.

So yeah, he meets Lloyd by himself and it actually doesn’t go that badly. Kai actually buys some candy for them to share and they leave the town, and Kai actually starts talking with him. Eventually the topic comes up about Garmadon and Kai gives a rough basis about how he sort of got kidnapped, and then his work in progress plan of making him good again. Lloyd is completely down with seeing his dad again and says how they could probably get his dads attention if their got their own evil army.

And because they’re both stupid kids, neither of which have had parents before, Kai thinks it’s a great idea.

So yeah. That’s why they find the Serpentine here.

Ofc, it isn’t a right away type thing. It takes them about a month before they find the Hypnobrai Tomb, and Kai just plays off all his time spent out as him having made a friend, which they can’t exactly argue with.

Ofc, canon still happens and when Kai was busy training Lloyd ended up finding the tomb and releasing the Serpentine, and they do their regular Canon Nonsense. 

However, Kai is not too happy about the whole Attack Villages things and after a bit comes clean to the ninja about their original plan. They very much aren’t happy, but admit his heart was in the right place and they doubt he’d pull something like this again.

Fast-forward a bit more, Kai is mostly chill with Zane’s “weirdness” and unfortunately stays home when the Hypnobrai burn down the Monestary. It’s only because the dragons were able to get out and protect him that he was still alive. Nya’s actually the one who yells at Zane this time around because again. Kai almost died, but it’s all cool later and they find the Bounty :D

Anyway, Canon again continues. Kai is still really good with the dragons and is a little upset they need to leave. He also gets along really well with Ed and Edna. Then when Lloyd joins Kai is a little….well he doesn’t hate him but he does spend a while avoiding him.

Eventually Nya has enough of their dancing around each other and locks them both in the same room so they can talk it out. Turns out the reason Kai was avoiding him was because Lloyd’s betrayal really hurt since they were supposed to do it to find Garmadon, not hurt people. They have a tearful apology, then Kai learns how much of a jerk the Serpentine were and is like “the next time I see any I’ll protect you, since you’re like my little brother and as a big brother it’s my job to keep you safe”

Now it’s Samurai Time :)

You see, this time around Kai has double reasons for being the Samurai. 1) Yeah, he hates being left behind and wants to be involved but also 2) he wants to keep his big sister and big brothers safe

So yeah, that happens. He does think it’s pretty funny when they keep trying and failing to one up him though.

But then :) He gets captured with Lloyd :)))

So yeah, that sucks but it only gets worse because while Kai was able to “summon” his Samurai Mech, he had to send it off to get the ninja away. So that sucks.

Garmadon eventually shows up to help since the Serpentine stole both his kids, much to Nya’s chagrin.

Then comes the freaking Volcano Scene and this one is from Nya when she rescues Kai, then has to choose between Lloyd or the Fangblade. She ends up unlocking her True Potential by essentially leaving behind all negative feels she had for Lloyd and accepting him under her protection just like she did Kai.

The sheer torrent of water easily cools all the lava and thoroughly soaks them. But hey, even Kai has to admit being wet is better than being burnt alive. Also when the ninja start wondering aloud why the Samurai didn’t help Kai bashfully admits he was the Samurai, and this thoroughly impresses the ninja since Kai is like, 12 at this point.

Uhhhh, S2 isn’t too different. Kai is super happy that the dragons are back and is easily Ultra’s favorite. He isn’t hit with either Garms spell nor the Tomorrows Tea, but is there to comfort Lloyd and says that even though he got hit with some magic stuff Kai is still going to protect him since he’s still his older brother. On the Dark Island Kai is heartbroken Nya got corrupted and swears he’ll help fix her. When Garmadon gets purified Kai looses his shit and gets so excited since let’s goooooo not only is his dad not evil anymore they can go out in public together :DDDD

S3, also not too different. During the whole Love Triangle nonsense Kai’s just sitting there so confused. Also Pixal joins team Kai’s Older Siblings. Him getting captured was just him being at the wrong place wrong time. He has a really fun time time in space though, which was nice.

But uh. Then Zane hecking dies, which hits everyone really hard, especially Kai. Only this time, Nya ends up taking Kai back to Ignacia and opens up the forge again, pretty much cutting all contact with the other ninja, Wu and Garmadon. While it might’ve been boring and lonely, at least in Ignacia they were safe. 

Kai is…honestly really miserable, but hides it well. He can barely get up some mornings, but does so anyway since he’s desperately trying to act like things are normal, despite how Nya doesn’t talk very much. He misses the other ninja a lot, even Pixal despite not knowing her for very long, but doesn’t want to tell Nya since again, trying to make things normal again. Nya also doesn’t let him out of the house too often, only really if she’s there to watch him.

This routine goes on for about two months, until Lloyd shows up to try and get everyone back together. And Nya.....Nya doesn’t like that.

She and Lloyd end up having a bit of a passive aggressive argument that is progressively getting louder until Kai just. Snaps.

He yells at them to stop fighting, how they’re acting so horribly and that he wished things could go back to normal, how Zane wouldn’t want this and that he’d be disappointed in them.

The two visibly flinch.

Then Kai realizes exactly what he just said and who he said it to. And he runs.

Nya and Lloyd both spend some time in silence, mulling over what Kai just said because he was right. Zane would hate what’s become of the team and how they separated.

Nya ends up being the one to break the silence, asking Lloyd where and when to meet.

When Kai doesn’t return from the woods, she ends up leaving a note before she leaves, explaining where she’s going and how she’s sorry.

Meanwhile, Kai is having a slight breakdown in a Tree Base he made years ago.

But yeah, fast forward a bit and Kai’s getting ready to sneak onto Chen’s Island, but in a slightly different way than canon. Instead he takes a slightly experimental ship that’s basically a smaller Bounty which he calls the Destiny’s Wish. Think of the comparison like a Car vs a Go Cart. Comfortably, it can fit 2 people long term, but for quick trips can carry as many as 10, but it’ll be a tight fit and the Wish might have some trouble flying.

So yeah, he’s on his own and he doesn’t arrive until a few hours before the EMs all get dropped from the plane. Shade is actually the one to find him first, but has a moment of pause since Literal Child and gives Kai enough time to kick him into a tree and run. The whole chase actually lasts about two hours but unfortunately Kai isn’t able to get back to the Wish and gets caught.

Now for the fun part :)

So all the EMs(and I do mean all because he wanted to “thank them for their contribution”) are in the throne room, their powers snatched, when Chen said aloud “But it is such a shame that we don’t have the Master of Fire, the we’d be able to complete the spell.” and for the briefest second the Ninja Fam are relieved but then Chen does a whole “SIKE, WE GOT HIM” and has some of the guards bring Kai out.

The Ninja are, understandably, freaking out. The EMs kinda are too since Child but only a little bit and it’s not personal

But then just as Chen’s about to snatch his fire, Kai starts saying how Chen cheated since Kai never got to play in a match. Chen refutes it since His Game His Rules but then Kai says that age old statement to get siblings to do Stupid Shit: “What are you, scared?”

Chen is not scared, thank you very much. And you know what, since you’re so confident fine, you now get your own challenge!

So yeah, now Kai has his own challenge.

What is it you might ask?

A vertical obstacle course with a time limit. If Kai doesn’t grab the Jade Blade, the exit closes.

Not that bad you might think. After all, Kai’s been training with the ninja for the past year, he’s probably got this in the bag.

Yeah welllllllll, a little bird told might have told Chen that a certain Master of Fire couldn’t swim.....so he uses Nya’s power to gradually fill up the room and forcing him up.

Surprise surprise, it was rigged against him. I’m talking platforms having false bottoms, ladders being oiled, high pressure water jets to knock him off, the works.

Kai is so close to making it. So close..... but Chen can’t have that happen now can he :)

So yeah, Kai ends up falling in and Nya almost drags all the EMs into the water trying to get him.

Luckily it’s at that moment Lloyd bursts in with Garmadon, frees the EMs and gets Chen’s staff. The EMs bust out and just as Nya’s about to dive in the whole thing starts draining, like an enormous whirlpool.

You see Chen actually thought ahead and realized that “hey, if the kid dies he’ll loose his power” so he made a plan that when Kai was going to fall in, he would use one of the tubes that shot water but in verse and suck him in. Luckily he was able to pull it off before the gem was smashed because if not MMM.

So yeh, Kai is now captured, but still on the island. Skylor reluctantly copies his powers(she got sort of close with Nya and this is the little brother she was gushing about), and Anacondrai happens. However, the two are able to escape, Skylor’s actually able to figure out the Summon Dragon thing, and then they head back to the main group.

Then comes the inevitable question of “how did you get here anyway?” and then Kai shows them The Wish. He actually ends up flying back with Garmadon before all the EMs learn how to Summon Dragon so they can warn people about the ensuing danger.

So yeah, they head out, the Pythor thing happens, canon then Sad because Garm still needs to do the whole sacrifice thing D:

That one hits Lloyd and Kai really hard, but they both use each other for comfort so it isn’t as bad as it could’ve been.

But yeah, this is getting long so tbc for a part 2 :DDD

[ninjago-happens-here]

@ninjago-angst-week sorry I'm late!

Day 6: Anger

Kai hates the universe for everything. Surprisingly, his teammates don’t agree.

Or 5 times where Kai lets anger control him, and 1 time he doesn't.

Word count: 13,944

- Nya - It’s been 6 days. Kai has spent all his time at Wu’s Monastery doing nothing but training and passing out from exhaustion. The only reason why he kept going was his love of his sister- and his spite against the universe. First Spinjitsu Master, why had Lord-fucking-Germadon take his sister as a hostage? He was just a poor blacksmith, trying his best to make ends meet and to get a proper education for his bright, 14-year-old sister. But the universe has decided to throw another curveball at him by forcing him to become a ninja and complete this stupid course-

“ARGH!” Kai shouted in frustration as he was thrown off by the training course, again. “Failed,” Wu said and took a sip of his tea. Punching the obstacle course, with another shout, Kai seethed, seeing the colour red dancing all over his eyes. What did the old man know about saving people anyways? Why can’t he just fight Wu and be done with it? Graduate his class, be finally given the location to where his sister is, and end this chapter of his life- because he was all for it.

Looking for his tormentor, Kai noticed that Wu has slipped away, with all the stealth that only a ninja master has.

Taking deep breaths, Kai balled his fists even tighter, nails pressing indents into his palms. Tomorrow. There still was tomorrow. And by god was he going to pass because he won’t let his sister spend another day in captivity.

All he needed to do was complete the training course before Wu finishes his tea.

He had done it. Of course, it took a well-timed sword throw to technically pass, but he was done sitting around and waiting for some unknown force to rescue Nya. Master Wu told him to get a goodnight’s rest as they were going to leave in the morning. Yeah right. As if he wasn’t going to spend this night tossing and turning around again.

He didn’t spend the night staring into the ceiling of the monastery. Rather, he was rudely ambushed by 3 men dressed in black, who actually weren’t as much of a challenge that Kai thought they would pose. Huh, maybe the training Sensei Wu put him through was pretty useful after all.

All praises for the cryptic old man were thrown away once Wu revealed the 3 men to be his students. Seriously? Didn’t Wu just tell him to get a good night’s rest? Kai barely kept the snarl inside him when Wu did his spinjitzu thingy and he suddenly was in an entirely different get-up.

Hey! Kai thought angrily. What’s the big deal? The garment was loose-fitting and a solid shade of red, and whilst red may be Kai’s colour, the garb was still drab-looking and overall, not something Kai would have picked out for himself..

Wu then gave a quick introduction of the 3 men who attacked him, who were probably called Jey, Zain, and Coal. Hey, don’t look at him like that! It’s not like he had the time to go to school and learn Maths and the Ninjago Alphabet. Anyways, they were all, apparently Elemental Masters? Of lightning, ice and earth nonetheless. Now, Kai can understand Earth. And Kai of course can give a testament to fire. But what do lightning and ice have to do with the elements? Shouldn’t it be Air, Water, Earth, and Fire or something along those lines? What was the FSM thinking, naming these the elements of creation?

Just as Kai was about to head back into the monastery and actually catch a few Zs, Wu called to them telling them that they have to protect the 4 weapons of spinjitzu in order to beat Garmadon to them, for the Skulkin must have taken the map that Wu had hidden in the Four Weapons.

“And rescue my sister,” Kai stated, daring anyone to challenge this non-negotiable mission.

“We’re rescuing a girl? Is she hot?” The ninja in blue (seriously, why blue on a ninja? It really does not help his stealth) just straight up asked Kai if his sister was hot. Kai’s first instinct, of course, was to punch Jay hard in the teeth, followed by an elbow straight to his gut. But if he was going to be teammates with this guy, he had to control his urges and only glare at him through the convenient slit in his mask. The blue ninja chuckled nervously as Kai’s eyes bore holes into him.

“Does she like blue?”

“Back. Off.”

“When we find the weapons, we will find your sister. We rise at dawn to look for the Scythe of Quakes in the Caves of Despair,” Wu concluded the impromptu meeting at night, which diffused the tension between Kai and Jay. The fiery anger he felt pooling in the balls of his hands started to dissipate. In fact, most of his energy was gone too. Kai felt like he was sagging under the weight on his shoulders and immediately headed for his room, where he collapsed immediately upon reaching the soft, inviting mattress. It was the best sleep he had in possibly years.

Of course, Sensei Wu upheld his promise of rousing them at dawn to go collect the first Golden Weapon. What he didn’t warn the ninja beforehand was that he was going to use them to be his literal slaves, and Kai spent the morning running whilst pulling a carriage like a horse. This has to be illegal, Kai grumbled to himself. He was starting to be seriously short on breath. Luckily, his teammates seem to at least have some strength and endurance training, so whilst he was stationed at the easy middle, Cole was at the front spearheading the charge whilst still holding conversations like it was no big deal.

“So…huff, how did Sensei find you guys?” Kai panted, wanting to learn more about his teammates.

“Let’s just say if it wasn’t for Sensei Wu, we wouldn’t be seen together.“ Cole started

“I was testing my limits,” Cole gave a brief description of how when he was rock climbing, he found Sensei Wu already at the top of the mountain, drinking tea and offering him a cup.

“I was testing my inventions,” Jay also panted out, and tried to ramble about how he was testing a flying machine and crashed through a billboard (what?) before seeing Sensei Wu, was also drinking tea and offering him a cup. He couldn’t really talk too much, because at this point he was getting tired too.

“And I, was testing myself,” Zane said, whilst recalling how he was practicing to hold his breath underwater for even longer periods of time when he found Sensei Wu sitting next to him at the bottom of the pond, still somehow drinking tea before offering some to him, which immediately led Zane to choke.

“You’re right, if it wasn’t for Sensei, none of us would-” Kai said before Wu shouted at them to stop. They were here.

Immediately, everything felt more real to Kai. The drowsiness that he felt clouding his mind was cleared as pure adrenaline shot through his veins. He couldn’t fail now. Not when Nya’s life was on his hands. All he has to do was to collect 4 Ancient Weapons that have powers and he would be able to face off with Lord Garmadon. Jumping into action, he weaved through the Skulkin that were strolling and working in the area, body moving in autopilot and mind focusing on only one thing: Get the weapon.

On his way to the opening of the cave, Kai spotted Samurai reading the map to the 4 Golden Weapons on a watchtower. Kai immediately took a detour and climbed up onto the roof, where he could see Samukai reading the map.

“What’s the matter with you,” Jay whispered, hitting Kai on the head. Kai shushed him, before returning to watch Samukai laugh menacingly whilst holding the map upside down. Kai wondered how incompetent he was one week ago to have let this guy kidnap his sister. “The Golden Weapon is near,” Zane observed, before taking out a shuriken with a rope attached before looking at Cole for confirmation and then throwing it done, landing squarely in the middle of the map before pulling it back, holding the prize squarely in his hands.

There was no time to waste. Kai immediately backflipped off the building before climbing to the outcrop where 2 guards were stationed. Picking up a convenient lamp head, Kai carefully snuck by the 2 guards before ducking into the cave system. Kai began to start pushing the rock blocking the path to the weapon. But no matter how much he exerted himself, it didn’t move one inch. He felt like he was trying to make a sword again, doing everything he could but still failing. Grunting and groaning, Kai gave it his all.

Not soon enough, Kai heard the footsteps of his teammates.

“Hey, before you race off again, you gotta remember that we’re a team.” Cole’s patronizing voice made Kai stop his futile attempts at trying to push the boulder on his own. Kai looked at the 3 Ninja before sighing. “Yeah, whatever.”

The white, black and blue Ninja gathered around him and they all started to push, actually managing to shift the rock. Giving the rock his all, Kai did enough on his part to be suddenly be blasted by a golden light, shining from the cavern behind the rock. As his eyes got used to the sudden brightness, Kai spotted the Golden Scythe, sitting on top of a weird creature’s head.

“Woah, that is SO COOL!” Jay exclaimed, and his voice reverberated throughout the entire cave. Kai cringed from his volume. Here’s to hoping that the entire skeleton army outside won’t discover them. Cole shushed Jay again, before pulling out the Golden Scythe and jumping back down onto the cave floor. Wrapping it in a sheet of canvas, Cole once again reminded Jay to not be so loud.

“Oh, don’t be paranoid!” Jay brushed off the sentiment. Kai couldn’t believe that this guy was his teammate. “We’re totally on the other side of the caves!”

“Zip it, okay?” Cole admonished the blue Ninja whilst handing the wrapped Scythe of Quakes to Kai. It’s okay with him. As long as he can make sure that this weapon is safe which in turn ensures that Nya is safe, he’s alright with taking the Scythe. “Now that we’ve got the Scythe, let’s sneak out whilst the boneheads are still busy.”

“Alright team, everyone sticks together. Way out is right around the corn-“ Cole suddenly came face to face with Samukai. All Kai could think at that moment was Fuck the blue guy. Because seriously. Now he was going to have to fight these guys. And alright, honestly- Kai was more than happy to throw hands with the skeletons that captured his sister. In fact, he’s been waiting all week to do so. But come on, this guy was supposed to be a ninja? Pulling out his sword, Kai stayed in the middle of his teammates for a bit as they tried their hardest to protect the Scythe, but quickly they were drawn by enemies elsewhere and the red ninja was left in a precarious situation.

“Kai! Throw it here!” Thank god for Zane. Honestly, he took back what he said about how this guy takes things a bit too seriously, now that he was in the heat of battle and could feel every beat of his heart. Kai heaved the heavy weapon to Zane. Immediately, the heat was taken off him and Zane had to pass the Scythe to Cole as he was dog-piled by 3 Skulkin in seconds. Cole made it past a long line of skeletons before catching the Golden Weapon, but Kai could see 5 to 6. no, 9, 10- argh, who cares! Either way, there were too many enemies.

“Let me handle it!” Jay shouted, taking out a couple of enemies quickly, before exclaiming, “Hey! Guys!”

“It’s just like the training course! Over the planks, dodge the swords- here comes the dummy!”

Kai heard multiple enemies being defeated before a bright blue light shined through the caverns as this guy did spinjitzu. What. The. Heck. Kai’s level of respect for him instantly rose.

“Jay! What’s the key?” Kai waved at his teammate desperately. He had to do spinjitzu too- if he ever was going to see Nya again.

“Hehe, I’m just going through the motions! This is what Sensei must have meant when he said we already know it!” Jay laughed from inside his tornado as Kai watch him take down 4 enemies in one second. Kai contemplated this for a moment, before relying on his muscle memory to dodge a couple of Skulkin.

“Over the planks, dodge the swords- here comes the dummy!” Spinning in a beautiful vortex of red, orange, and yellow, Kai saw the world around him slow down as he moved with enhanced power and agility, taking down enemies with incredible ease.

“RETREAT!” Samurai shouted, and Kai could hear the screams of the skeleton army mixing with the beautiful chime of his team’s spinjitzu. Slowing down, Kai stopped his spinjitzu and surprisingly, didn’t feel dizzy. Man, this spinjitzu thing is really cool.

“Hah! Guess they didn’t want a second serving of these babies,” Cole flexed his biceps as Kai and Jay both shook their heads in dismay. “Good thing they didn’t check out the merchandise on the back!”

From the corner of his eye, Kai watched as Cole turned around to emphasise his point. Alright, 2 can play at the end game. Raising the Golden Weapon of Spinjitsu, Kai cheered and high fives Jay. That dude has many faults, but he would be able to have Kai’s back in a moment of need, and Kai vows to watch his back too.

“Uh… guys?” Cole stammered. Kai and Jay rolled their eyes. What was Cole trying to get at now?

“Didn’t Sensei say there was a guardian protecting the weapons?” Zane recalled. Kai tilted his head to the side, before turning to his right AND WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT.

“Is that- a..a, that’s- not what I think it is, isit?” Cole blubbered, his voice an octave higher.

“Y-you mean a dragon?” Jay stammered.

“Uh, that sure looks like a dragon!” Kai panicked, his voice on the edge of a scream.

“I sense that we won’t be able to spin our way out of this one,” Zane stated with the calmest out of any of them.

Out of the blue, the dragon breathed out a breath of earth, and Kai was suddenly flung to the side. Screams filled the cavern as his teammates landed from their dodge. getting up on his feet, Kai immediately started to run towards the exit, clutching the Golden Weapon tightly. Unfortunately, they were cornered, and Kai did the only thing he thought he could.

Removing the canvas, Kai moved to use the weapon but was stopped by Jay, stating something about how Sensei told them not to.

“Well you better keep your mouth shut,” Kai growled as he ran towards the otherworldly creature. Nothing was going to stand in his way from reaching his sister. Cole shouted something at him, but he raised the weapon high above his head and brought it down to the earth in front of the dragon, causing a split in the ground like a fault line and the cave started to shake. The dragon was temporarily rendered stunned as a large piece of rock fell on his head. It reacted too late, for Kai and his team were getting out of here.

“We gotta escape!” Kai said frantically. Looking up, he and his team saw the caverns opening up to the skies. “We’ll use spinjitzu!” Cole proclaimed, and Kai spun into his tornado, finding that the boost in speed and strength was exactly what he needed to make through the opening in the ceiling of the cave.

Landing on the ground in front of his sensei (on both feet, take that Zane and Jay!) Kai immediately devolved into cheering and celebrating with his teammates, because who wouldn’t after such an adrenaline high? They were 1 weapon closer to finding Nya, and Kai had learned the amazing art of Spinjitsu, and he had just escaped from a dragon.

“ENOUGH!” Sensei Wu shouted. Kai immediately felt his mood sinking. “I told you not to use the scythe!!” Of course, Jay, then Cole, immediately threw Kai under the bus.

“Using it was my only option!” Kai said, starting to get frustrated with his teacher and teammates. Couldn’t they see it that was a matter of life or death? He just saved all of their sorry asses!

“And what makes you think that you’re more important than your team? Huh? Huh!?” Wu got closer to Kai’s face, and he was not happy. Not happy with this at all.

“They took my sister, remember?” Kai stated angrily. Who did the old man think he was? Nya was everything to him, and losing her- Kai did not want to think about losing her.

“There are still 3 weapons left. Maybe next time, you can do it right,” Wu admonished him, and Kai could only watch as his teammates follow in their master’s footsteps. Whatever. It’s not like he needed a team. Hoisting the scythe onto his shoulders, Kai swore that nothing, not even the First Spinjitsu himself, would stop him from saving Nya.

Over the course of the next few days, Kai learned of a technique called the ‘Tornado of Creation’ as they journeyed all over north Ninjago and found 2 of the remaining 3 weapons. Just before they headed to the Fire Temple, Wu made them all rest, for some reason he was unwiring to share. Kai privately thought that it was for them to recuperate their energy because his sister was going to be the one they rescue next, and once he got his hands on the Sword of Fire, nothing would be able to stand in his way, his team included. If he was being honest with himself, Kai was grateful that they had time to celebrate his past achievements. They had been through so much climbing, exploring, and journeying these fast few days and they have beaten Garmadon’s Army too many times to not do something about it. His mood was so great that he even invited Sensei Wu to dance with them as Cole played the bongo drums that they had stolen from the skeleton army at one point.

Kai didn’t know when he fell asleep, but what he did know was that he was roused awake by a voice whispering his name. At first, he was groggy with exhaustion, but the second time Nya called out to him, Kai was wide awake. Looking at the source of the sound, Kai saw his sister standing directly at the edge of his camp. Immediately, Kai felt a great wave of relief wash over him. His sister looked, at least in the dark, fine and free from any visible injuries. He was just about to get up and reunite with his sister when she suddenly stated that she had to go, and started to run away from him.

Kai immediately shot to his feet, alarmed. There was definitely something wrong. He followed her as best as he could through the dense forest, calling out to her, but not receiving a reply. He was led to a temple sitting right next to a volcano. Ghostly whispers of his name reached him as he saw his sister’s vague figure entering the temple.

“Nya?” In a heartbeat, he arrived at the front of the temple. Fully pushing open the doors, Kai was blown away by the cavern and the inviting, welcoming warmth of the lava that slowly cranked up the further he went. In fact, it was slowly stifling, and Kai wanted to grab Nya and get out as fast as he could. Looking all over the place for her, Kai saw the image of his sister appear right in front of the Sword of Fire.

“Nya!” Kai said with a smile, running towards the platform. He was praising FSM for this miracle when suddenly, he skidded to a halt as Nya transformed into a large shadow that laughed menacingly. It was Garmadon. And he- was dangling Nya, wrapped in iron chains, on top of a pool of lava.

“KAI!!” Nya shouted desperately. The red ninja called back to his sister, as Garmadon taunted him, stating that only by removing the sword, could he save his sister. And as much as Kai hated the fact- Garmadon was right. There was nothing he could do but take the sword and save his sister. Nya begged Kai not to listen, but the chain had suddenly lowered her even more, and the screams of his baby sister were too much for Kai to bear. Taking a deep breath, Kai did a series of acrobatics pulling out the Sword of Fire and doing spinjitzu on the walls in order to get to Nya, and then to get her to safety on the other side. Landing o the warm rock, Kai pulled his sister up and told her to stay close.

Then Garmadon appeared directly in front of him, and Kai changed his mind. Not long after, he was getting beat up by a shadow- a shadow of all things! Then, Garmadon played extremely dirty and duplicated himself, and in no time at all, Kai lost the sword and Garmadon picked it up. Tired, out of breath, and running on a combined 18 hours of sleep this past week and a half, Kai collapsed and couldn’t move any further.

Just in time, Sensei Wu arrived and started to use his shadow to properly fight Garmadon. As Kai could only sit and watch, he saw Sensei Wu’s incredible usage of shadows, and his respect for him rose even more. But soon, the feeling of calmness turned into panic as he remembered his 3 teammates who were probably out like a light.

Nya gave Kai a hand to stand up, and they both moved to be closer to Wu. Soon, they were assaulted by Garmadon showing them that the Skulkin has taken Kai’s brothers and 3 of the 4 Golden Weapons.

“My brother must not unite the 4 weapons. We must keep them apart!” Sensei Wu commanded, to which Garmadon responded by rousing the dragon guardian. With a swipe of its flaming hot tail, the Fire Dragon blocked the entrance of the Fire Temple. There was no way out.

“He’s taken away all our options!” Kai said, starting to panic even more as the Fire Dragon breathed on them.

“All but one.” And soon, Kai lost his Sensei to the Underworld. Feeling terribly guilty for not being a better student and teammate, Kai collapsed on his knees. However, he was soon confronted with greater, immediate danger.

Luckily, he seemed to be able to talk down the dragon that was guarding the sword. They reached an understanding that they were trying to protect the weapons from Garmadon, and just in time too. He heard his teammates outside the temple and Flare did too, opening the temple dramatically. Too soon, he had to split from Nya again. But he would return in no time at all, with all members on his team.

Through a great load of traveling by dragon, managing to use the Tornado of Creation, and watching Samurai get vaporised whilst Garmadon passed into a portal to another realm, they eventually returned to Ignacia, and Kai could finally feel safe again. Of course, he immediately slept for 3 days straight after making sure that Nya was doing alright and that she could take care of herself for the next few days.

This was not the first time he was fuelled by only his fire, and unfortunately for his body- it would not be the last.

- Lloyd - The next time that Kai could say with 100% certainty that he hated the universe was when Garmadon decided that it was a good idea to turn them into all children. They then had to be saved by Lloyd, his baby brother, but in return- he had grown. Too fast. Way too fast.

And Kai had to look at his failure, his inability to protect Lloyd because it falls on his shoulder to at least stay beside the green bean whilst he deals with the fact that he was older now. And whatever fallout was happening with his body. Because whilst Lloyd can try to insist that he’s fine for the 100th time, Kai is not letting him get out of bed whilst he has a 40 degree fever.

So whilst Kai stews angrily at the edge of Lloyd’s bed, he reflects on all the things he’s going to punch the First Spinjitsu Master for. Honestly, he did not know where the thought came from, but today was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Kai will be honest- he hadn’t always been this friendly with Lloyd. In fact, if he saw someone else doing what he did to the kid when they first met, he would sock them in the eye, no questions asked. (In fact, he wanted to do that to himself now.) But then he got close to the brat. He saw himself in the kid, just- lost without an anchor as Kai had in Nya. And the ‘demon spawn’ became ‘kid’, and ‘kid’ became Kai’s baby brother. Kai’s baby brother who he lost at the arcade just because he was too focused on his ego, going after the damned Samurai who turned out to be his baby sister. Seems like Kai can’t do much protecting at all.

After Kai had rescued Lloyd from the volcano (Fuck you Pythor), it was revealed that Lloyd was the Green Ninja, and would, in turn, have to fight Garmadon And whilst at first Kai felt elated that the search for the Green Ninja was long over, he then felt horrible to see Garmadon and Lloyd falling out as both knew that they had to fight each other. Kai could see Lloyd’s lip tremble as his father released the hug, and almost start to cry when Garmadon disappeared after having saved the Ninja and the fang blades.

He knew that Lloyd had it especially hard, seeking his father’s approval and attention, yet not getting it as Garmadon tried his hardest to delay the oncoming final battle, but furthered it instead. He saw Lloyd look incredibly small in their tiny apartment, and wished that he had just earned more money, or that he had somehow managed to defeat the Great devourer instead of Garmadon.

Yet all he could do was comfort Lloyd when he opens up about Darkley’s (boy, wasn’t that’s something they’d have to unpack in the future) before they returned to the accursed school, or treat Lloyd’s sore muscles before the kid has to inevitably wake up at 5 AM tomorrow to do an insane amount of training.

He hates how all the pressure in the world is hoisted by the shoulders of his baby brother, and he would do anything, anything to give Lloyd a good childhood.

Now, he can’t even do that. Unless the element of time exists, all he could do was count the numbers of a good childhood Lloyd had on one hand. And goddamnit. All Kai really wanted to do was to give Lloyd the childhood didn’t have, not the incomplete one he had given Nya that ended with a kidnapping. Was that too much to ask for?

A drop of a hot tear escaped Kai’s eyes and rolled down his cheek. Quickly snapping his head towards Lloyd, he saw that he’s fallen asleep. Okay, thank FSM for that. Kai did not want Lloyd to see his big brother cry. Now, Kai didn’t want to be a bad brother. But he wasn’t Lloyd’s only family left. He’ll just ask Zane to watch over him as he runs the training course at Dareth’s dojo.

Or maybe not, Kai thought as he sat on the roof, hidden by water tanks and billboards as he had a meltdown. He didn’t even know why he was crying! All he knows is that suddenly, he can’t stop the water flowing from his eyes, even as his own body heat evaporates them as soon as they are shed. His head was still stuffy even though the night air breezed past him. All he wanted to do was to shout, screen- anything to release the tension he’s been building up in his body. Now that he’s reached his breaking point, he was ready to release like a coiled spring.

But he couldn’t. They were living in the midst of Ninjago city, not on the Destiny’s Bounty. And they would get kicked out of their cramped apartment if Kai just shouted at the night skies. So Kai hissed, growled, and wrapped his hands around himself, and squeezed as much as he could. He wanted to fight anybody, be it serpentine, skulkin, Garmadon, or even the First Spinjitsu Master himself.

The air around him got even more suffocating as his fist couldn’t find anything to connect to.

And suddenly, the roof hatch opened suddenly, scaring the living hell out of Kai Smith. Jumping into action and getting into a ready stance, Kai immediately felt the tension dissipate as it revealed that it was just Cole.

“Wow Kai, you must be really wounded up to be spooked like that,” Cole commented whilst giving Kai a smirk. Kai glared back at his team leader before futilely trying to wipe his face clean. Ah well. He tried. Cole snorted. “I always knew that you were a big softy.”

“Got any reason why you came up here?” Kai grunted. His ego had taken enough bruising these past few weeks.

“Of course buddy. I needed to spar with someone at full strength, and since Zane is looking after Lloyd and Jay won’t be able to effectively take my hits, I had to find you.”

“Psh, whatever. You’re in luck that I need to let off some heat too,” Kai shrugged off.

“Cool. Race you to Dareth’s Dojo?”  “You’re on.”

In a few minutes, Kai would come to regret his decision. Hey, it wasn’t his idea to race with the idiot who got himself dehydrated via crying. Still, falling in only just a step behind Cole (It’s been 80 years, Coke joked), he grabbed the energy drink Cole held out to him and take an unprofessionally huge gulp. Man, was he going to feel that later. Still, a promise was a promise, even if it was a verbal agreement. He watched Cole do his warm-up stretches before settling into his own normal routine.

Too soon, they rolled out the sparring mats, and Kai had a fleeting feeling of vertigo. Why had he agreed to this again? Oh yeah. Lloyd’s life is shit, and I can’t do anything. Balling his fists tightly, he started to bounce from on the balls of his feet.

Too soon, he ended up on the mat. And then again. And again. When he was defeated for the 4th time, Cole called for a break and sat down next to Kai, who was lying on the mat and just staring straight into the sky.

“Why did destiny make him grow up so fast?” Kai’s voice was trembling too hard for even Cole’s liking. “It’s not your fault-“

“IT IS MY FAULT! My fault, that I couldn’t protect him! Not from the serpentine, not from Garmadon, not from destiny!What’s my worth as a protector if I can’t even defend the one destiny said I must?!” Kai wailed out, enraged with everything. After his anger outburst, Kai breathed out deeply as his whole body sagged, the tension broken. They sat in silence as Kai contemplated what he was going to do next.

“You know Kai? Maybe you should talk with the Green Bean about this. But just so you know, no one is blaming you for what Garmadon had to do, and in turn what Lloyd had to do in order to save all of us,” Cole responded and stood up. “Thank you anyways for agreeing to spar with me.”

He offered a hand, to which Kai grabbed and was pulled upright.

“You go ahead. I’ll go wipe down the mats here,” Cole stated. It was a regular schedule that they had made up in order to reduce the amount of traffic using their tiny bathroom, and Kai gratefully accepted the chance to go first. If he was going to talk to Lloyd, he had to at least get his spikes up to regular Kai standard.

After doing the bare minimum amount of cool-down stretches, Kai took a swig of the energy drink as he jogged back home. After showering and gelling up his hair, Kai was ready to sit down with Lloyd and just- talk. He finished his bottle and prepared some sandwiches as the sun rose on Ninjago City, showering the apartment in fragmented light.

Just on time, Lloyd returned from his morning run, this time accompanied by Zane. Kai patiently waited for him to be done with his shower before Lloyd sat down right beside him and took out a peanut butter and jam sandwich from the small pile on the plate. Zane gave Kai an acknowledging nod as he went to grab his work bag before going back out the door.

“Hey, bud. How’re you doing?” Kai started tentatively. Lloyd, having just taken a huge bite of the pb&j, looked mildly alarmed at the confrontation, but still answered after finishing the bite.

“…honestly Kai? My bones don’t feel on fire anymore and Zane has said that my fever had gone down through the night. Still, I don’t regret what I had done,” Lloyd responded earnestly before taking another bite of the bread. If Kai didn’tknow better he would have thought that the kid had faced starvation before, because he was still eating as if the food could be taken away at any moment. Keyword: thought.

Kai really wanted to continue the talk after Lloyd had his fill, but knew that Lloyd’s busy schedule didn’t allow for such talks. So, he pushed down all the instincts that screamed that he was a bad brother and gritted his teeth.

“I know that that wasn’t your choice-“

“It was my choice!” Lloyd cut in even though he was still chewing. Gulping down another mouthful of food, Lloyd continued. “… because if I couldn’t even consider that my choice, how much of my life can I say that belongs to me?”

Kai was stunned into silence. In his mind, he didn’t think that Lloyd had thought of throwing the tea like that. He wondered how much Lloyd had been holding in inside of him, how much he had to endure being told by people that he hadn’t had a choice. Thinking back to the time where he couldn’t save Nya without listening to others on what he had to do, Kai felt even worse. Cole was right- he wasn’t at fault for this specific action that Lloyd did, but he was at fault for not being understanding enough, or even approachable enough.

Taking advantage of Kai’s speechlessness, Lloyd finished up his sandwich before reaching into the pile and taking out another, this time picking out a Nutella and cheese combination.

“It’s not just that. Now, I can finally go on missions with you guys. Now, you guys don’t have to hold back on me, and I can train for longer amounts of time. The Final Battle will be on us whether we’re ready or not, and I too would feel much safer if I am prepared to… to face my father,” Lloyd said before continuing to stuff his face with breakfast.

Kai’s brain began to work again, and he formulated a good enough response. “…Alright buddy, but just so you know, you’re still not going on missions with us.” Lloyd’s face immediately formed a pout and Kai grinned, rubbing his blonde hair. “Also, since when did you start speaking like that? ‘The Final Battle will be on us whether we’re ready or not.' Wow, such language. Much eloquence.”

“That’s because you guys gave me 2 hours to spend studying Uncle Wu’s books every day,” Lloyd huffed in annoyance, having finished another mouthful of bread. “But seriously Kai, please don’t be angry for me. It really isn’t your fault.”

Kai mused over those words as he watched Jay trained Lloyd with his acrobatic abilities. Of course, the kid was still getting used to his taller and larger limbs, but Kai could see him improve at an incredibly fast rate. Lloyd was right, in a sense. He didn’t really have the legal right to worry over Lloyd’s physical and mental wellness, but still- he was Kai. Master of Fire, protector of the Green Ninja, and he should be allowed to feel the fuel of his anger at any time he so pleases. If it happens to be an injustice to his trainee and well- who can blame him?

He accidentally fell asleep during Lloyd and Jay’s training, having to catch up to last night’s lost sleep, and boy was that a bad idea. He forgot one of the most important rules within the Ninja’s family: Do not fall asleep when with Lloyd and Jay, because those two can pull some terrible pranks.

Kai didn’t notice anything wrong until he passed Dareth’s trophies and saw that his beautiful hair was not spiked. Kai swore that when he sees those two again, he would chase after them until they begged for mercy because Kai cannot be seen in public with hair like this! Feeling his eye twitch, Kai wondered if Lloyd was going to be the cause of him popping a blood vessel.

Years later, Kai would realise that indeed, Lloyd would give him his first grey hair at 19. That damned brat.

- Zane - When Zane… left the team, all Kai could feel was a sense of numbness. He floated through a fuzzy reality as nothing seemed real to him anymore. His family was in shambles, broken pieces that were scattered without their missing piece completing them. The fact that Zane was gone didn’t really register to him until they had asked Lloyd to do a speech honouring the titanium ninja. Lloyd, face as pale as the gi Zane used to wear, couldn’t say any words, so he volunteered to step up for his brother. Lloyd looked at him with thanks, before disappearing off to whatever world he was in just moments before. Kai joined him, staring aimlessly at their ceiling, before having to get up and pen down words that he was going to say, to honour Zane.

He realised that he couldn’t, really couldn’t. The words just wouldn’t come out of his ink pen, even though he was pretty much literate now. He could only manage to jot down a few words that summarised what Zane was to him. A brother. A teammate. A fellow Ninja. Built to protect those who cannot protect themselves. But words can't do Zane justice. How could he capture Zane's cool-like grace, his calm calculation when it matters most? Zane's amazing cooking, his incredible kindness, and all-around sweet nature? How could he describe his first time meeting him, first time working with him, when he discovered his true potential and saved all of their sorry asses? How could he do all that?

Hot, angry tears dribbled down from Kai’s eyes as he hunched over their kitchen table. No, this wasn’t going to do. Kai decides that he'll just have to wing it.

As soon as he had finished his speech and paid proper respect to Zane, Kai left his family and just wandered around aimlessly, going from bar to bar to drink and inevitably get into fights.

Having been thrown out of almost all bars in Ninjago city for ‘disrupting common services’, whatever that was supposed to mean, Kai soon found himself standing in front of Yang’s Tavern. From what he heard, this place was run by quite a few Serpentine and they had a ‘Slither Pit’. Whatever that meant. What Kai needed to do was to feel his fist connect to something flesh-like, and he will be okay.

Months passed, as Kai found himself falling deeper and deeper into Ninjago’s criminal organisations. Under the name ‘The Red Shogun’, he would remain the undefeated champion, all whilst working for different kinds of bosses as ‘security’. Kai knew that he shouldn’t be doing this, that he shouldn’t be helping criminals get away with their criminal activity, shouldn’t have let human merchandise go under his nose. But he couldn’t bring himself to care. Nothing really mattered after Zane’s death. Nothing had mattered at all. Kai was stuck down in the pits of hell, drinking himself to half-death before the barkeep regulated his intake just so that he could bring in the cash that Kai made through betting, before receiving poor attempts to reach out by Lloyd.

Somehow, the kid had gotten the number of his burner phone. He even sent mail to the bar, to which Kai and his bar buddies had laughed at. Kai didn’t feel too bad for ignoring the kid. Zane’s death was partially his fault anyways. (Nromal Kai would have been horrified to hear him think this.) Kai was angry. Angry that Lloyd didn’t try hard enough. Didn’t try hard enough to defeat the Overlord, when he had a clear shot. Angry that Lloyd had apparently failed to defeat the Overlord 100%. Angry that he had been captured whilst literally wielding the power of God, only for the Overlord to use its incredible power to construct a new body. Angry that Lloyd didn’t try hard enough to keep the team together, to reach out to him, or even to speak at Zane’s funeral.

But above all, Kai was angry at himself. Angry that he had made fun of Zane for his passions and clothes. Angry that he did not try hard enough to train Lloyd, and ultimately failed to be with him in the ‘Final’ battle. Angry that he couldn’t have done his job as a ninja properly, getting captured and tied to a rocket ship which only made them have to try rescuing him instead of stopping Project Arcturus. Angry that he couldn’t do anything when Zane took on the Overlord by himself again.

And Kai was angry at Ninjago. At the world. At the universe. At the First Spinjitsu Master, who had no right to decide that his family had to face the world like that. Angry, and wondering why he was being put through this kind of torture: not being able to live, and yet not willing to die. Kai was a man of action and he had to stay in motion- so his knuckles split. So he goes ‘home’, to the hotel room in Yang’s Tavern, covered in bruises and sometimes even blood- just not his. So he has to take part in crimes, never rising above the level of a security guard, all whilst feeling terrible. He did not know how to get out of this state and feared that if he did, he would collapse into a lump of uselessness.

He fought all day and night, and in the moments where he wasn’t fighting, he was drinking. His sleeping schedule has shifted to between 6 AM and 2 PM. All whilst he kept grieving over a death that was not deserved.

After a year, Lloyd somehow inexplicably showed up on his doorstep, telling Kai to not drink too much ‘juice’ (he rolled his eyes at that and smiled fondly at Lloyd’s innocence) and asked him to show up at Chen’s noodle house where he was holding a meeting with his other teammates.

Unexpectedly, this led to a discovery that instantly brightened Kai’s mood before dampening it slightly. Zane was alive! But they had to fight through… an elemental tournament to get him? At this point in time, Kai was alright with doing anything, anything to get Zane back.

Just 2 weeks later, Kai would hesitantly retract his statement. Sure, they had gotten Zane back, but in exchange, Lloyd had to lose Garmadon to the Cursed Realm. Kai wonders if they’ll ever be able to make it through a fight with everyone intact, but today wasn’t about him. He felt a familiar spark of rage burning brightly through his chest as he watched Lloyd trying and failing to smile. From the corner of his eye, he saw Zane approaching him.

“Kai, can we talk for a moment?” Oh, dear. What is this about now? Was it about how Kai had almost killed their baby brother over a stupid staff?  Or the fact that Kai had very stupidly fallen for the Criminal Mastermind’s daughter? Did Zane find out about his criminal activity?

Well, it wasn’t everything that Kai had thought would happen, although the topic had come stupidly close to the last point. Zane confronted him, making him open up about his ‘feelings’ or whatever, before telling Kai that the alcohol content in his body was too high and that his livers were on the edge of failing. Well. Good to know that Zane is still regular old Zane who’d scan you without permission.

“Kai, all I’m saying is that you are free to tell me anything. To just let it all out -“

“I can’t let it all out!” Kai shouted in annoyance. What did Zane know about grieving- Oh wait. Doctor Julien. Well, what did Zane know about Kai’s specific method of dealing with his issues? He was fine.

“Why not, Kai?” Zane asked with a bittersweet smile. Kai looked around, desperately searching for an answer that he doesn’t have.

“Well- I can’t tell you that! Just know that it’s okay for me to feel angry!” Kai stated very, very eloquently. Zane just gave him a look that said ‘bullshit’. “It’s also okay for you to be sad, and to cry.”

“You’re-you’re wrong!”

“And you’re a hypocrite, Kai. You can’t make Lloyd do the right choices if you aren’t gonna do them yourself.”

“Well- Lloyd’s just a child! A teenager at best, really. Me? I’m a fully legal adult! I can make my own decisions!” Kai seethed. Zane looked sad for a moment, before straightening up and doubling down.

“Whilst according to Mill’s Harm Principle, you’re free to do anything that could harm yourself without damaging others, might I remind you that you’re still a role model for Lloyd, Nya, and even Jay? Please, Kai. If you can’t do it for yourself, at least do it for them.” Zane pleaded. And damn it. Whilst Kai wouldn’t lift a finger to save himself, just the thought of Lloyd doing what he’s done sent a shiver down his spine. Zane was right, as always. He had to be the big brother, and being the older brother means that he has to display healthy habits more. FSM knows that Lloyd would need it. So he sucked up his pride, arrogance, and ego, then threw it all away, metaphorically off the Bounty

He knew that they would always come creeping back to him later, but for now, Lloyd needed a functional older brother, and Kai was going to be exactly what he needs.

“Thank you, Zane,” Kai stated. Grinning, Zane waved Kai on to go save Lloyd, who now looked like he was drowning from some invisible force.

“Lloyd? Lloyd buddy, you there?”

- Cole - Of course, Kai couldn’t stop his blood pressure from reaching a boiling point. How could he? This month had been the worst month for his health since- well, since forever! Who would’ve thought that Wu’s dead first student would escape the Cursed Realm just to possess Lloyd in order to exact an act of stupid, grand revenge because he didn’t get the title of the Green Ninja?

Kai had to fight his baby brother, lose the staff of the First Spinjitsu Master, fail to defeat ghosts, bargain with a stupidcrook for some weapons that were actually effective to ghosts all whilst looking for the scroll of Airjitzu, who guess what? Turns out Ronin had it all along. And he had just handed it to Morro, which caused all of them to go to this cursedtemple, which was designed to be a terribly haunted house, because it just amplified Kai’s fear of water a 100 times more, and all that culminated in a stupid idea where they tied themselves together to not lose track of the other, which caused Cole to lose valuable time when the scroll of Airjitzu was dropped right as they were at the door to the temple.

Spinning around to check on his teammates, he saw a pale green sheen. Just as he was about to raise his weapon, he heard Cole’s voice calling out to them that they had the scroll. And oh. Oh no. No, Kai couldn’t deal with this anymore. He watched Cole realise with horror that now, he was technically dead, and wail.

Kai’s blood vessels were very, very close to popping. Being an alcoholic had not helped with his anger issues, and having faced too many setbacks, all whilst not having any powers or any victories, Kai was prepared to curse the entire 16 realms.

As Nya parked the bounty right next to the floating temple of Airjitzu, Kai could see her face widen in shock and horror at Cole. Fists clenched the tightest they had been in a while (and that was saying something, given that he had failed to protect Lloyd again) Kai could only take over the lead as he herded his teammates onboard the ship.

Cole’s a ghost now. So what? He can deal with that later. For now, they had to beat Morro to the Cloud Kingdom and the Realm crystal if he was going to have any chance of having Lloyd back.

Well, that was a lie, Kai thought to himself after the heat of the moment. Their ship was now charted towards the Wailing Alps, trying to make it as the Blind Man’s Eye passed over the top so that they may use Airjitzu to get the Sword of Sanctuary. And that meant they had time. Whilst Zane and Jay were working on some mechs to help them traverse the mountains, Nya was training with Sensei Wu to unlock her true potential faster, and Misako was packing them supplies. That meant that Kai and Cole were left in the bow of the ship. The air just felt denser than usual, even though by all logic, it should have been lighter due to their high altitude.

Kai watched Cole trying to tap a button on the control board, but couldn’t manage to get his hands to temporarily appear solid. He saw the frustration on Cole’s face grow as he gave up and slammed his hand on the board, accidentally touching on several buttons. Immediately the ship started to list onto the left side. So bracing himself Kai rushed to the position and immediately undid the damage Cole had done.

Cole then let out a scream of frustration. “All I wanted to do was to view the stupid GPS! Why. Can’t. I. Do. Anything. Right?” Cole angrily shouted, punctuating each word with a kick aimed towards the control panel, but never managing to connect. He immediately sunk onto the floor and held his face in his hands.

Kai sucked in air through his teeth. He wasn’t everyone’s go-to when comforting them from anger, but it seems that he had to step up this time.

“Hey, Cole?” Kai started gently. “Yeah?” Came a muffled response.

“I know that I’m not the best person to do this, but I just want you to know that I hate the universe as much as you do, and it’s alright if you wanna just shout and spar with me-“

“Hah! As if I can do anything good with this. Stupid. Body!” Cole replied, voice tense with frustration. Kai frowned.

“I’m serious Cole. And you will get better at using this body. Remember how Morro’s ghost friends had beaten us? Imagine them, not realising that we actually have a pretty powerful member right in their midst. Think of the recon missions you can do as a ghost! Imagine how satisfying it would be to just punch Morro in the nose without feeling bad for hurting Lloyd!” Kai picked a direction and resigned himself to it, smile getting more manic as he realised that hey! Cole’s new body is actually kinda cool. Cole snorted.

“Imagine all the pranks I’ll be able to pull on Jay. And imagine me possessing Mr. Cuddlywump-“ Both of them dissolved into laughter after this thought, each imagining Jay’s terrified expression as Cole’s voice comes out of the teddy bear that he thinks nobody knows he hugs every night.

“Hey- you know that being a ghost would be incredible for your stealth right?” Kai ribbed Cole gently, finding delight that it actually connected. Cole scoffed. “Oh, don’t remind me Mr-I-blew-up-2-trucks-filled-with-jet-fuel-and-thought-that-I-wouldn’t-be-noticed.”

“Hey! It was just one time.” Kai defended himself. “Seriously though, imagine all the cool shit you can do now.”

“Too bad that I won’t be able to eat anymore,” Cole said mournfully. Kai raised his eyebrow. “Nah, this just means that you can eat as much as you want and wouldn’t be scolded by Sensei Wu. Also, don’t we have Hungry Ghost Month right before Day of the Departed?”

“Holy shit, Kai. You’re right! You know, maybe being a ghost isn’t so bad after all,” Cole said with a hearty grin. With a grin of his own, Kai thought to himself that really, being a ghost is no big deal. We have a nindroid as a brother after all! Besides, at least Cole is still with us in, heh, spirit.

Too late did Kai consider the cons of being a ghost. As Cole watched helplessly from the banks of the river that Lloyd was drowning in, Kai had to bite his own tongue to stop himself from screaming as he plunged into the water to save Lloyd from drowning. Too late, after the defeat of the Preeminent, did he see Lloyd flinching from Cole’s touch, which led to a very heartbroken Cole and an extremely apologetic Lloyd. He saw Lloyd trying his best to just endure and adapt to the change, and his heart was filled with anger again.

It wasn’t as bad as his breaking point at Yang’s temple, but he now has a grudge against Morro that runs through the core of his being, like how ‘Nya is my Sister’ and ‘Lloyd is my baby brother’ are the code of his being. Still, victory tasted bittersweet as he gets to finally pat the golden head of hair his brother has.

Kai would be okay to go through anything, as long as he had his family with him.

- - Jay - Family. That’s what Kai’s life has circled back into, hasn’t it? He had fought skeleton armies for his sisters, fought snakes with his brothers, trained the youngest to fight the literal embodiment of evil, went through an entire tournament for one of his brothers, fought with Wu’s student to save Lloyd, and now destiny decides for him to face another whiplash.

His parents. His good-for-nothing parents. They had left Kai when he was 6 and Nya when she was just 3. It had been absolute hell, making sure that they had enough to eat, enough to drink, and enough to wear during the winter. Kai had to start working at the blacksmith shop when he was just 8, trying to find some independence from the goodwill of his neighbours. And whilst he was working odd jobs, being a stable boy, an errand boy, doing some house chores for the minimum wage- he also had to make sure that his baby sister could attend school properly.

He had properly started to work at the forge when he was 12, having sold most of his father’s previous work. Soon, he found ease in making spear tips, armour, and samurai-style helmets. He had been working on doing a good sword when his sister was kidnapped, and his entire life changed as he tried his hardest to bring her back. Since then, he hadn’t gone back to his old home in Ignacia.

But he couldn’t ignore it anymore.

Looking at the smithing symbol on the inside of the Vermillion Warrior’s helmet, Kai had to take a quick journey back to his old home, back into his past. Picking up a decade-old helmet, Kai’s worst fears were confirmed.

“I knew it,” Kai said humourlessly as the puzzle pieces began to construct a monstrosity that he never wanted to know. In a fit of anger, he punched his father’s symbol, to which a secret hatch just suddenly opened. Curious, Kai took a look at the basement of the shop, only to see a double-edged blade as well as some old armour. What was he making? Kai wondered, before shaking his head. It doesn’t matter now.

With single-minded determination, Kai took the blade, old, and a new helmet, then immediately headed to someone who he knows would understand.

10 minutes later, Kai was sitting at a booth in Chen’s Noodle House, venting out all his frustrations to Skylor, who, bless her, had offered him free noodles as he spilled out his feelings. Of course, Kai didn’t feel much better after doing so, but at least he felt like he wasn’t suffocating anymore. Just as Kai was summarising his rant, incomes Nya, proclaiming something about how Skylor was the mysterious and new Samurai X. Kai’s stomach suddenly started to churn and he gulped. He had to break the news that their parents were still alive to Nya. And whilst that was mean, what Kai learned throughout his years as being a Ninja that being honest with your teammates was the difference between life and death. Funny, he remembered a weird dream that was focused on this exact point. But Kai didn’t have time to reminisce now. All he could do was think of ways of breaking the news to Nya.

Too soon, Kai Smith, no not Smith, Kai had to think of a better surname after this was all over. Anyways, their team has decided upon infiltrating Krux and Acronix’s secret base, which also meant that they will find his traitorous father. Instantly, he felt a searing hot pain radiate from within his ribcage. teeth clenched, fists tightened, he and Nya arrived at the swamp.

He had a single-minded focus on finding his parents and nothing could stop him.

“Kai, I don’t see anything. Give me the map,” Nya whispered. “Hmmm, what even makes you think that Acronix and Krux will be around here?”

“I honestly don’t even care if they are,” Kai said noncommittally and looked around his surroundings. In the distance, he saw a building, right where the blacksmith shop was situated on the map. Heart pounding, he raced up the planks leading up the shop.

Kai was in too deep to stop now, to have second thoughts. Seeing his father’s blacksmith symbol on the door, builds up his resolve to kick the door open.

“I knew it!” anger, like how lava flows down a volcano, seeped into his bones as his father stared at him like he was some kind of stranger. In all fairness, he was. Because what kind of ‘father’ was Ray Smith for abandoning Nya, for abandoning him, all those years ago?

“Who are you? What do you want?” Those words cut deeply into Kai’s heart, etching all kinds of feelings that Kai couldn’t process. Because all he could see. Was red.

“I WANT JUSTICE!” With a war cry, Kai drew out the double-edged blade that his father had watched. But this time, he wasn’t fighting to disarm, to defeat, or to stun. He was fighting to kill.

Running towards the blacksmith, Kai jumped to plunge the blade into his father’s chest, only for him to dodge, Raising another strike, he missed and hit the edge of the forge. Spinning around, his next shot was parried by his father.

Blocked by his father again, Kai gave his old man a chance to explain himself. But what was said was, “You’re red like a Vermillion Warrior. But you’re no snake.”

“No, I’m not, BUT YOU ARE! TRAITOR!!” Kai broke out of his father’s block, spinning the weapon before clashing it with his father’s hammer again. His next few strikes were dodged and a kick sent Kai sprawling over the anvil. Getting up again, Kai swung the weapon wildly, getting dodged before being thrown back by a well-timed shot from his father.

“You messed with the wrong blacksmith, my friend,” Ray said, standing over Kai’s body. hearing those words sent a hot shot of seething fire down to his free palm. Building up a fire in his hand, Kai stood up and spun the double-edged blade.

“Fire power…” Ray thought out loud. Shocked, he could only get out of the way as Kai threw a fireball at him.

“No… you’re certainly not a guard. You’re… my son!” Hearing those words made Kai pause. He didn’t know why, he just couldn’t move. Too many emotions were battling in him, and he could only focus on his father’s next few words.

“Kai! You’ve inherited my elemental power!” his father had actually said that. In joy. Suddenly, his fire was rekindled.

“That’s the only thing I’ll ever inherit from you!” Kai started to move, to continue the fight when suddenly his baby sister screamed for him to stop from the front door.

“He’s a traitor!” Kai explained through gritted teeth.

“He’s still our father,” Nya begged Kai to reconsider.

“Whatever it is you think, I can explain-“

“Yeah… BET YOU CAN!” Kai threw back his left hand, ready to unleash another fireball at his father when a jet of water put his element out.

“Kai, let him speak!” Nya pleaded. “There’s no harm in hearing him out!”

Kai then moved to throw the double-edged blade at his father, who had dodged out of the way. sensing that Nya would just put out his fire again, Kai pounced on his father and dragged him hip by the collar of his clothes, and began to wrestle with him.

“It ends here! NOW!” Overpowering his father, he managed the wrench his left hand free, and pulled it back into a punch.

“Kai, you don’t know what you’re doing!”  “I DO NYA! I ABSOLUTELY-“  “I’m not your sister, son.”

Kai suddenly stopped. His mother… was alive?!

“Huh? M-mom? I-I don’t believe it!” Kai released whatever he was holding as he turned around, trembling.

“That makes the 2 of us,” Maya stated sweetly, and suddenly all the memories that Kai had been oppressing came back- he could see the woman who cared for him, hear the lullabies she used to sing Nya to sleep, smell the floral shampoo and scent of mountain springs that hung around her. He remembers the taste of the food that she had made, and the warm, slender hands that held his own. As Kai watched his mother fuss over his baby sister, his resolve to fight, to seek revenger, crumbled away into pieces.

Removing his hood, he threw his arms around his mother, still smelling the scent of mountain springs, feeling the her skin, folded and cut in several areas, but still warm and firm.

But suddenly, he remembered the snake helmets and of Sensei Wu, and immediately pushed her back.

“Why, she’s as guilty as he is! They’ve been helping Acronix and Krux for years!” Kai seethed. “They’re the enemy!”

“Is that what you think?” Maya reproached. “We are not your enemy.”

“Then how do you explain this?” Kai took up the vermillion warrior’s helmet and showed his father’s symbol to his biological family. “Dad’s blacksmith stamp on every piece of Vermillion armour!”

“They forced us to work for them! Part of their revenge…” Maya rebutted.

“For what?”

“For creating the time blades,” Ray shook his head and creased his forehead. “It goes back a long tie, then Acronis and Krux were still Elemental Masters.”

Ray recounted how Wu had asked them to forge blades made of a chronosteel, a sort of metal that suctions your elemental powers away permanently if you used them to their true potential on the metal.

“We had worked for days and nights. At the end of it all, we were so exhausted, that we could not participate in the fight. But Wu had told us the results of the fights, about how he and Garmadon had sent the Time Twins and the Time Blades into a Time Vortex, essentially having them lost to time.”

“Yet, immediately after the portal has closed, Krux had gotten away. And he had gotten a glimpse of the Blimp too. He now knew that his brother was being sent to the future without him.”

“Now, he had decades to scheme and plan. He adopted the persona of the kindly Dr. Sanders Saunders. He had begun making the first batches of Vermillion out of the Great Devourer’s eggs. And his army would need weapons. Armour. Vehicles.

“So he went looking for us, and we had built a cordial relation with the old man.”

“One day, he suddenly revealed his true colours and held you two at sword point, stating that if we did not cooperate, he would not hesitate to kill you,” Maya said, eyes glistening with tears. “What could we have done?”

Kai didn’t know how to react. He stood there shell-shocked. His parents.. they weren’t traitors after all? The fire of anger fizzled out. “Okay, but what about the stamp?”

“I stamped every piece of my work, hoping that one day, someone would figure it out,” Kai’s father admitted. “So that together, we can stop Krux and Acronix’s plan.”

“What is their plan?” Nya asked. Ray shook his head and creased his eyebrows in fear. “To control all of time.”

That revelation shocked Kai into speaking again. He looked at his father, bruised, dirtied, and tired from their fight before. The feeling of guilt bubbled in his stomach, and Kai had to immediately right the wrongs.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know,” Kai began, wincing internally at his bad apology. But Nya- blessed Nya, had saved him by asking about Krux and Acronix’s plan to control all of time.

“They made me design the Iron Doom, a machine capable of transporting the Vermillion warriors through time,” Ray explained, rolling out a blueprint of the iron doom.

“So you built a Time Machine?” Kai asked incredulously. Ray huffed. “No, just the shell. I’m afraid the Time Machines are bit out of my skill set.”

“But Cyrus Borg was forced to design a power source capable of powering the machine by using temporal energy from the Time Blades,” Maya said whilst rolling out another piece of blueprint next to Ray’s this time of some sort of machine.

“Oh no! That must mean that the pause we felt earlier… that must mean that there are 3 blades in the present!” Nya exclaimed. Kai thought out loud that if Krux and Acronix got the blade, there will be only one left. “And if they get that, their time traveling mega armour will be fully operational!”

Kai stared dumbfoundedly at the smile shared between his parents. “Sorry, full operational is… good news?” Man, if his parents could just pick a side already!

“They’ll never get it,” Ray said with a smile. “Master Wu found it shortly after Acronix disappeared. Turns out it had the power to reverse time. Wu knew it was too dangerous to keep, so we hid it, buried deep in a location where only a combined elemental power of Fire and Water can reach.”

“And since you inherited our powers-“ Kai’s mother gasped sharply. “You must leave. Now!”

Ray looked downright alarmed. “You’re right. If Krux and Acronix knew you were here, they could-“

At this moment, the door burst open and time stood still.

“Could force you to retrieve the Time Blade for us? Excellent suggestion,” Krux said with a menacing smile.

“No way! We’ll never retrieve the Reversal Blade for you!”  “You tell him, brother!”

“You will! Or your parents will face the same fate that they tried to protect you from.” Krux countered, his smile stretching impossibly wider.

“We’re done serving you, Krux. Bring your worst!” Ray shouted, charging towards the Time Twins. Kai watched in horror as Krux used the Pause blade to stop his father’s momentum immediately, before giving him a hard kick in the gut.

“DAD!” Kai shouted, watching his father still frozen in place, bouncing on the hard floor.

“Look what I found,” drawled the voice of Commander Machia, wheeling in-

“Master!” “Wu!’

“You know, it occurs to me that the Reversal Blade is the only way to undo Wu’s Time Punch.” Acronix grinned.

“I…I’m afraid that’s true,” Kai’s father said, having gotten out of the pause effect.

“If you want to save your master, you’ll have to retrieve the 4th blade.” Krux walked even closer to Kai, before snatching away the double-edged blade. “And I’ll take that.”

Lightning flashed over the skies, creeping in tendrils and thunder boomed, rocking the ship. Kai and his family were stuck on a ship, not able to help his other family back at the swamp to fight off a whole swamp’s worth of snakes! And to top it all off, he had to retrieve the 4th Time Blade for the Twins, directly enabling Krux and Acronix’s plan!

Kai felt anger in the many hot drops of rain the fell onto his skin. But he couldn’t afford to lose himself here, he and Nya would have to work together, get past all the challenges and get the time blade, save Wu and get out of here!

Yet, once he and Nya had returned to the ship, the blade was immediately knocked out of his hands and his father took another Time Punch. Just as he was about the throw hands with the Time Twins, he was hit with a jet of brilliant red light, trapping him a Pause as he could only see the ship moving away from underneath him. They barely had the time to pull up their fusion dragon before heading back to the swamp.

Upon their arrival, they saw the Time Twins enter a temporal vortex. They had to follow them. There was no other choice.

A long, tiring battle in the past 40 years ago had taken its toll on Kai and Nya. They had managed to reverse the Time Punch on Master Wu (though Kai wonders if maybe Nya used a bit too much) and they had managed to drive Acronix and Krux back into the Temporal Vortex, this time actually sneaking aboard the ship and trying to remove the Time Blades from the engine of the Iron Doom.

Unfortunately for Kai, he just couldn’t lift the Reversal Blade, but Sensei Wu had. Throwing the Time Blade to him, Kai almost didn’t register Wu telling them to use the blade of Ray before throwing both of them out of the time stream and back into the present.

After had used the time blade on his father, Kai and Nya were tasked with Master Lloyd’s command to return the Reversal Blade to its place in the Boiling Sea. Of course, Kai had complied, adrenaline still fuelling his body. And yet when all was said and done, Kai collapsed upon reaching the Temple of Airjitzu.

The days after Kai and Nya returned to the present without Sensei Wu were some of the worst. Kai felt like he was over bursting with emotions. Guilt, grief, and anger clouded his mind over the loss of Wu. Joy, confusion, and deep-seated anger clouded his heart over his parents. Kai didn’t know how to deal with everything. He couldn’t really talk with his previous confidence, he couldn’t move without double guessing himself, and his decision-making skills were in pieces, grounded into a fine dust.

Does he reconnect with his family or not? What could he do the aid the search of Sensei Wu? Are Nya and Lloyd doing alright? Cole seems to be the hardest hit out of all of them, maybe he should go check on him?

Lying on his bed in the Temple of Airjitzu, Kai couldn’t muster his strength to well, do anything! He just needed some time to just… process, everything that had happened in the past month. His parents, of course, had given him some space, and just said that when he’s ready to contact them. Kai thinks that they also didn’t know how to deal with his situation and just took a cop-out. Or maybe they just wanted to breathe fresh, non-swamp-sewer air and tour Ninjago after being in captivity in 10 years. Honestly, who knows?

Lloyd had walked in and provided a brief source of relief for Kai, but too soon had he walked away, going back to his training. Kai saw his baby brother’s eyes sporadically turn green, infused with his element, in just 3 days. Kai would have joined him too, doing whatever hellish program he had set up for himself, if he wasn’t just ambushed by his feelings whenever he tries to get up, wondering if that was even the right choice. He certainly felt that it was his fault that he lost Sensei Wu, and now his kid brother had trained so hard that his eyes became green just to find Sensei again.

Nya was dealing with her own reconciliation with his parents and sometimes offered Kai a shoulder to cry on. Mostly, she was by herself, as Jay had told Kai to ease his worry. Still, his worry for Nya is topped only by his worry about the future.

Cole had also been hit hard by the loss of Sensei Wu and was shutting himself in. Zane was still trying to spend time looking for Pixal throughout the Bounty and any of our other bases of operations, trying to tracer her down.

That left Jay, who really, was as much of a help as a hindrance to Kai. Hanging out with Jay meant that Kai soon developed a terrible sense of humour, an arsenal of horrible puns, and way too many prank ideas. Jay had made sure that everyone was fed, watered, and in some cases- slept. Of course, being the responsible one for once meant that Jay had to bully his most stubborn teammates into taking a break, or having some food.

“MOOOORRRRNNIIIIIINNG!” Kai was once again woken up by Jay’s terrible screeching. Turning to face the wall, Kai pushed a pillow on top of him just so he could remain in the land of sleeping for longer. No such luck.

“KAAAIIIIII! GET UP!” Jay, screamed as the door to his room flung open. Aw man here we go again, Kai grumbled to himself.

“So what would you like to have this morning? Eggs and bacey? Toast with jam? How about-“

“How about you shut up and leave me alone!” Kai shouted, irritated by the perky tone that Jay has adopted. Watching Jay’s smile become less bright and more forced, Kai couldn’t help but feel a little guilty. Sitting up and rubbing the base of his neck, Kai apologised for his outburst. “Sorry, Jay- it’s just that I need some time, alone.”

Jay nodded solemnly, before sitting down at the edge of his bed. Kai watched as Jay took a deep breath before saying his piece.

“I know Kai, but… Nya… she needs you. You have got to fix your relationship with your parents, or at least start on the first step. I’m going to be honest: I’m not good with people like you are. I don’t know how to get Lloyd to rest, because he’s going to break his body this way. Don’t get me started on Cole, who won’t open up to me at all. And I can’t out logic Zane. He keeps saying that since he’s a robot, he doesn’t need rest as we humans do.”

Kai stayed silent for a while, mulling over Jay’s words. Truth is, if he could, he would have done so already. What did Jay know about these kinds of relationships, anyways? In fact, when compared to everyone else on the team, Jay has the best relationship with his parents. So what was the point of this? Kai felt his hands curl up into a fist, bunching his bedsheets. Taking a deep, shuddering breath, he breathed out to calm himself down before he could impulsively do something he’d regret.

“No can do, Jaybird. I don’t even know where to start,” Kai said regretfully. Kai honestly expected for Jay to slink out of his room, to go pester Nya to try or to get Lloyd to see sense, or to even get his best buddy to open up about his troubles. Kai did not think that Jay seemed to double down, taking several huge gulps of air, and one the edge of hyperventilation. He saw Jay’s hands tighten into fists before he spoke in a trembling voice.

“Kai… did is something that I really, really don’t want to share. It’s something that I keep wanting to erase out of my memories. But I can’t, because no matter how much I try to see it as just a prank- it’s the truth. I’m… adopted,” Jay finished in a hushed whisper. Immediately, Kai sat up straighter. He hadn’t heard this before. “Please, please, keep this a secret, Kai.”

“…so, when did you find out?” Kai whispered back.

“It was at the height of our popularity craze right after stix. A letter had come in, about how my father had died. Immediately, I went off to my Ma and Pa’s scrapyard, but it turns out that I had been adopted, and that my biological father was… Cliff Gordon,” Jay’s teeth had begun shuddering as tears came leaking out of his eyes.

“Oh,” That’s all Kai could really say. I mean, how were you going to reply to that?

“Of course, I felt all sorts of different emotions at first. Relief that my Pa didn’t die, confusion at why I was abandoned on my parent’s doorstep, realisation why neither of my parents had elemental powers, and eventually gratitude because my biological father had written me into his will.”

“But Kai, you don’t just easily forget the feeling when you thought that your parents died. I’m sure that if Cole was himself right now, he would have knocked some sense into you.” Jay stated with a small smile. “Our lives as Ninja are really, really dangerous. Yesterday, we lost Sensei Wu. Tomorrow… well, let’s just say that as a Ninja, you have to cherish time with your loved ones. Don’t put off tomorrow what can be done today.”

And Kai seriously was lost for words. Jay was… 100% right. There were no faults, no counterarguments. Danger was a Ninja’s job description, and too soon he could leave this realm without patching things up with his parents- his parents had almost done so too when his father had been struck by the Forward blade. If he couldn’t do it for himself, and his parents- well, he could do it for Nya’s sake.

Suddenly energised, Kai stood up.

“Thank you, Jay.”

And off he went to call his parents, checking in on them, holding a conversation that had a semblance of normality. They had talked about safe topics, about interesting areas Ray and Maya had visited, about Kai and Nya’s adventures, and about Kai’s team, Sensei Wu- anything, really.

Tears of joy fell down his cheeks before he decided to barge into Nya’s room, throwing open her curtains and rousing her from her slumber.

Because now, they had a chance. They could reconcile.

And then they can find Sensei Wu.

- Kai - It was their first machine in 6 months, and Kai had managed to lose his powers. Again. This time, however, the warmth and fiery spirit that Kai could always cling to were gone as well. He had always felt utterly powerless without his fire. But without his anger? Kai was more than useless. He couldn’t even defend the civilians from the fire snakes, because he was out of shape as well and had to rely on Jay to save him. Jay!

Severely discouraged by this fact, he told his team to just ‘go ahead without him'. He would not be of any help to them anyways. He would only add more onto their already full plate as they would have to focus on defending him too.

Slumping next to an overturned car, Kai hid his face in his hands. What if he never gets his powers back? Would they hate him? Forget him? Maybe he could become The Red Shogun again, maybe pilot a mech as Pixal does.

Kai’s jumbled thoughts were interrupted by a kid (seriously, how many disasters have Ninjago faced to let people carry on their normal lives whilst it’s raining fireballs?) handing him a journal, stating that Kai was his favourite Ninja and could he please, please sign his notebook?

“Sorry kid,” Kai huffed out. “I’m not really a ninja without my powers.”

“Well then, why don’t you go help your teammates?” The kid, Max asked.

“Because, I’m useless, that’s why!”

“Well- if you don’t help the ninja, I will!” And with that, Max stormed away and started to head for the scene of danger. Kai called out to him futile to come back and resigned himself to his fate. Picking up the notebook, Kai saw a cartoonish sticker of him in his ninja mask at the front, before coming to an epiphany.

His teammates didn’t like him for just his fire. Nor did the Ninjago citizens. He carried everyone’s hopes and dreams on his back and he can’t just turn around now and leave him to face the enemy alone!

What was he thinking?

Immediately, Kai rushed down the street to the Ninjago Museum of ancient artifacts.

Kai didn’t always have to run red hot. He didn’t need to perpetually be angry. Sometimes, it’s okay to mellow out. But now is not the time. Now, he has to save his family from one crazy snake lady who was fuelled only by revenge.

Kai couldn’t just be fuelled by his anger. Facing off with Aspheera taught him that. Being angry all the time was exhausting when he inevitably turned off the switch. Anger clouded his thoughts, made errs in his judgment, caused him to be impatient- all whilst ignoring the important parts of his life- his family. And from now on, Kai would only tap into anger when it was absolutely necessary. What matters the most to him isn’t feeling invulnerable, like nothing could hurt him, especially if he was protecting his teammates. Rather, it was the job that Kai had to do. Emotions in battle are a tricky thing, but all the times he observed Lloyd setting aside his feelings for the greater good had made Kai realise that emotions can be easily goaded. Manipulate, by enemies such as Chen and Harumi.

In a life or death situation, Kai couldn’t just rely on his feelings. He had to embrace his moral code, the values that he holds dear, and act upon them, even though it may seem impossible at times. And he shouldn’t get frustrated with his team.

Kai may be angry, but the only time he’ll properly deal with his emotions will be when the battle is all over, and then he will learn how to compartmentalise, how to sort through his emotions. Maybe he’ll take up blacksmithing part-time again.

All Kai knew that was in this instance, he refused to let his life be ruled over uncontrollable feelings, mostly of rage. He was the master of his own emotions.

And nothing will stop him from helping out his team.

[sslow-dancer]

“You Need Some Help?” (Josuke Higashikata x Reader)

Warnings: none!

tags: gender-neutral, gender-inclusive, josuke x reader, sfw, fluff, new school, new kid

Description: It’s your first day at Budogaoka High, Josuke notices your confusion and agrees to show you around the school. Along the way, he introduces you to his friends and decide to hang out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You walk down the streets of Morioh, doing your best not to get distracted by the numerous signs of shops you pass by. Your knees occasionally hitting the new school bag you have in your hands.

It was a new town, new school, new people to you and your family. However, despite having to create new (probably awkward) introductions in this town, your parents seemed extremely happy when you all arrived. Going from living in Osaka all the way to Morioh was a drastic change. Osaka was constantly loud and full of tourists, you almost felt like you saw more foreigners than Japanese citizens. Though, you still miss those loud noises and tourists in a way. Morioh is quiet, receives visitors in the warmer seasons and rather friendly for the most part, making your parents even more excited when you moved there.

You look at the time on your watch, it reads, 8:00AM. You sigh stopping in the middle of the sidewalk, meeting the entrance of the school. Your eyes dart at the multiple groups of boys and girls around your age laughing and communicating with their friends as they enter and hang out around the school. You bite your lip, scanning around to see if there’s anyone who can help you navigate the school. Gosh, I don’t want to be late! you think.

“You need some help?” A curious deep voice asks behind you. Your eyes widen, a little startled at this person’s sudden question. You turn around, you’re in aww when you perceive the person in front of you.

The person is a boy of around 6-foot height, his hair in a 1950s-like pompadour, a chiseled face, sapphire eyes and is wearing a uniquely decorated school uniform. You almost blush at his rather handsome appearance, but you manage to stop yourself from doing so. You stutter,

“y-yeah. I do. I’m uh- new here.” you laugh slightly, hoping he doesn’t point out your nervousness. Though to your surprise, he only replies politely with a kind smile on his face,

“Oh okay well, I can show you around-“

“Thank you so much-“

“but first, I’d like to know your name.”

You cringe at your rudeness of interrupting him, you clear your throat, ready to give him your name and your sincere apology,

“I apologize for interrupting your words but um, my name is L/N F/N. I go by my first name. It’s very nice to meet you.” you immediately bow after you’re done answering.

“Higashikata Josuke, nice to meet you.” he says with a bow back. Josuke smiles when he sees you nervously kicking at the pebbles on the ground. ‘They’re kind of cute’ he thinks. He breaks the silence,

“Now that that’s done, let me show you around. We got time for most of the school, I think.” He leads you to the entrance, you follow next to him as you both walk up the steps. He stops abruptly, his eyes scanning around the schoolyard,

“That’s weird...”

“What’s wrong?”

“Well my friends usually meet me around this time so we can go to class together, but they’re somehow not here yet. Huh, weird.” You bite your lip, he lets out a sigh,

“It’s whatever, I’ll just see them later. Let’s go. I don’t wanna be responsible for you being late on the first day. Come on.” He waves you over to show you around the first floor. You nod, placing your bag over your shoulder as you follow him in.

Though the school is large, Josuke managed to explain the different sections and hallways pretty well. You were impressed at how the map wasn’t very useful. He’s nice enough to lead you to your first home room class.

“So basically this is it, here’s your room and hopefully you remember your way around after.” You chuckle at his statement. You point,

“You aren’t part of 1A?”

“Oh no, I’m part of 1B but it’s not far from here. If ya want, I can wait outside for you once class is over.”

“Oh no! That’s alright, thank you though. I think I’ll be fine.” You chime, smiling at him. Josuke smiles, he waves at you,

“Well I’m off, I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah!”

And with that, the bell rings and you’re off to first period.

~ Time Skip ~

You practically sprint out of your seat once dismissal arrives. You were rather hungry despite having lunch earlier, the bento your mother prepared you that morning didn’t fill you up. You rush out the class to avoid getting pushed by multiple students gathering outside the schoolyard to walk home, get picked up and wait for the bus. You’re surprised to hear your name get called out once you’re close to the gates,

“Hey! Hey! Wait up!”

You turn around to see Josuke, his body pressed against the front doors stairs’ railing with 2 other guys standing next to him. They both turn their heads to look at you, one of them slightly taller than the other. He waves again to get you to come closer,

You blink, walking back towards their direction. He smiles when you meet face to face, he holds his hand out to them,

“These are my friends, Okuyasu and Koichi. Okuyasu, Koichi, this is Y/N.”

You blush, you aren’t one to be introduced to people, you’re usually the one introducing yourself. The slightly shorter one, Koichi, smiles and nods at you,

“It’s very nice to meet you. Josuke was just telling us about you!”

You nod, blushing even more at the fact that you were even worth speaking about. Okuyasu furrows his eyebrows, putting his hands in his pockets as he looks you up and down,

“Huh, you are pretty cute-“ Koichi nudges his arm harshly, Okuyasu lets out an “ow” and frowns as he backs up from you.

You giggle, “it’s okay Koichi,” you turn to Okuyasu and nod, “I bet he meant no harm.”

Josuke rubs at his neck, waiting for the slightly awkward introduction to end. You look behind you and sigh,

“I gotta go. It was lovely meeting you all but I’m really hungry and need to get back home-“

“You’re hungry? Well actually, we were just about to get some lunch together at that new Italian place that just opened. You wanna come?” Josuke asks curiously.

You bite your lip, looking at your watch. You let out deep breath and nod. ‘Josuke did ask so nicely so.. why not?’ you think.

You all decide to walk down to the restaurant. You make quick conversation with Okuyasu and Koichi. Josuke walks next to you, keeping quiet. He takes a few quick glances at you, wanting to speak but getting too shy to do so.

You are met with the friendly welcome of the main and only chef, Tonio. You learn that he’s originally from Italy and opened his restaurant in hopes of bringing people health and happiness with the help of his dishes.

You all spend around an hour there, talking and laughing as Tonio prepares the courses for you all. You are surprised when you learn about the bizarre things that happens to one’s body when one eats his meals. You about threw up when you gobbled up the pasta that Tonio claimed would help your sudden stomach pains. You were almost scared that he was trying to hurt you and that Josuke and his friends played you but luckily, that was not the case and definitely not something you’d expect out of the boys you met.

Josuke slightly glares at Okuyasu as he tries to continuously flirt at you. He didn’t know why he felt a sense of frustration but he did know that he wanted to speak to you. Perhaps it was jealousy? Though Josuke didn’t want to take that into consideration.

You wave a goodbye to Tonio, smiling as you think about how much you’re going to tell your parents about this place. You let out an exaggerated sigh of satisfaction as the four of you exit the restaurant. You jump excitedly,

“That was so fun! Thanks for inviting me guys.” You say with a huge grin on your face. You didn’t know you’d open up this fast but in a way, you were glad that you did.

“Sure! We’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” Koichi says, waving at you. Okuyasu walks next to Koichi, waving too “you stay cute, alright?”

You giggle nodding, waving as you watch them walk down the sidewalk. You turn to Josuke,

“Hey, aren’t you going down with them? Oku told me your neighbors.”

“Yeah but um.. I was hoping I could walk you home..”

Your eyes widen, his suggestion making your heart flutter. Josuke laughs nervously,

“That’s unless you don’t want me to! I just thought ‘cause it can be a bit dangerous to walk around this late especially when you’re new in town and I-“

You cut him off, “I’d love if you did that. Thank you.”

It’s Josuke’s turn for his heart to flutter. He was beginning to think that he liked you, but not so much in a friend kind of way. But then again, he had just met you so he didn’t know why he was acting so shy.

You lead him to your house, which was luckily not to far from Tonio’s place. The walk was fairly quiet, but not awkward at all. You enjoyed the silence shared between you two. You stop in your tracks, facing him,

“Well, this is it. Thank you again, I wish for your walk to be safe too.” You say to him, he smiles. God his smile is so cute, you think. Wait, what? Why am I thinking that?

Josuke sighs “yeah, thank you.” You notice the quietness in his voice, you chime,

“Hey, you alright? You didn’t talk much when we were with Koichi and Okuyasu.”

“I’m fine...I’m just-“

You nod for him to continue, he sighs,

“I- I wanted to ask if you’d like to hang out with me alone sometime after school this week? I wanna get to know you better...”

You blush at this. You look down at your feet, biting your lip as you think about hanging out with him. Well he is pretty cute...

“Again, if you’re not comfortable with that, that’s okay too! I’m not gonna force you or anything-“

You giggle at his nervousness, you nudge at his shoulder,

“Quit trying to take everything back. Of course I’ll hang out with you. After school, right?”

Josuke is taken aback by your confidence, but he manages to nod. You smile,

“Imma go. I’ll see you tomorrow?” You say, walking up to the front door. He nods again.

Josuke blushes hard once you’re out of his sight. He mentally beats himself up for being awkward as he walks back to his house. Though after a while, he manages to crack a smile once he realizes he was still able to ask you out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Hi! So I’m back :P

[socstudies]

freshlycutgrass' IB Exams Blog 1/28 (25th April)

I have decided that I am going to be posting everyday of my exam period in order to keep accountability for studying and to have something to look back on. I will be posting study tips, blurts of what I revised that day, reflections on how my exams are going and other related things. Today is going to be an introductory post!

HL English (6) - 12th May

HL English (6) - 12th May

HL Psychology (6) - 17th / 18th May

HL Anthropology (6) - 28th / 29th April

SL French (6) - 19th / 20th May

SL Maths (5) - 6th / 9th May

SL ESS (5) - 5th / 6th May

I'll come back later and add links to the posts talking about these exams once I've done them :)

I think overall I'm going to get around 33-4 points which is slightly lower than I had wanted when I started the IB but because I didn't come to school for most of the last three / four months of school, it's the most realistic grade I can achieve.

I have been studying a little bit over the past few weeks but not as much as I would have wanted to (for reasons mentioned above) so I'm really hoping to make the most of how much space there is between exams.

Tomorrow I'll be talking about how I'm studying for each subject + tips! The other posts will be more interesting than this, I just wanted to make a quick introduction!