#ok. think im gonna go cry again now
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why does everyone seem to choose the week that i have pmdd to say or do hurtful and/or confrontational things or put me in difficult situations and leave me to get stressed out and suicidal beyond belief
#mp#my constant internal monologue is just i want to die i want to kill myself i want to die i want to kill myself over n over again n its#getting tiring#and i know i wouldnt be feeling this awful if yesterday didnt go so comically nightmarishly bad#like i already had a feeling it would be bad. but not THAT bad fucking hell#and i sent redacted a message about it but theyve left me on seen either bc they cba replying or they jus dont wanna talk abt it which like#i know its most likely bc theyre too ill n tired to respond yet but the facttheyve not said anything is making me feel even worse#ok. think im gonna go cry again now
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When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out
#vent#its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything#i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant.#im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something-#-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again.#plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal)#and just#im fucking tired ok#and I'm sorry im a bad friend#i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some.#but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired#i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn?#and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON.#I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it#but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit#and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them#and they can lash out on me#i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not#last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend#it wasnt my fault#that friend ghosted me#im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too#but at the same time im too done to even really care#i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day
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i think a big part of my kyle related freakout was that i've been so so stressed about how i'm gonna make a future financially and when its just my ass on the line its whatever if i end up destitute but for kyle??!?!?!?! i GOTTA figure something out and boy am i good at math
#but i did figure out a budget that i think can WORK#she speaks#kyle the cat#i think hes actually good for me in that its forcing me to figure out whats best for me too long term#ok im crying again i'm gonna go to bed now
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bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏
#i did get thr laundry done didnt fold it didnt take a shower#so thatll hopefuly be tmrw#i hope im able to do an activity with somebody tmrw.... the kids will be back at school so umm. no risk of weeman asking for my laptop in#the morning. or maybe me n lamp could play aa... idk#i feel like such a loser i go 1 day without bothering my family and im like wahhh im lonely. Can you shut up ..... we r better than this.#but wtvr. thats also a mean thought and i shouldnt be idolizing the way i lived last year. We were taking spongebaths and eating#1 bowl of soup a day crying ourselves to sleep every night and literally going weeks on end wo talking to our loved ones. so why am i like#We need to go back ! well i know why its bc i cant just let myself heal and move on bc of my stupid complex#and tbf i was very efficient back then. i ws able to do my spongebaths at least every 3 days and i did my laundry every week right on#schedule and i had a job....all it took was literally not being a person in any meaningful way FJFNGJGN. idk#it was very simple. its still very simple perhaps simpler (#no job) but instead i just feel guilty i guess. sbt everything#which i ws doing last year but again i was too out of it to rly dwell. i just cried at work a lot abt it#but now its like. i dont have a job to go to to focus on. my interests/hobbies can only distract me for a few days maximum b4 they become#nothing 2 me. and then im just back in limbo again and it feels pointless#and even when its a 'good' phase of something actually keeping me distracted from everything its like. not. all it does is ruin my sleep#schedule again yk. ik im literally the timeloop guy so u think id loveee Everyday being exactly the same over and over and over but well i#dont. bc they arent actually the same day theyre just reminders that everything does keep fucking going but im stuck. which is the opposite#of what i want. and what id have if the beautiful timeloop would simply rescue me. wtvr tho.... she doesnt even know i exist 😥#little joke. IDK. like i said its better ig than having a truly miserable day but. man. i wish everything was better#i ws gonna say like it used to be but. yk. ive been depressed since i was like 7 its not like. idk. i wish i was born different and i wish#my head worked and i wish none of it had evrr happened. but itis ok. i cant think of a funny cutesy alternative to put here so we will just#say nothing. yay
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rant <3
#so i told my friend im thinking abt engaging more in my christian community again starting w going to church more and visiti g exchanges etc#she kniws abt basically all my other friends being more than less religious and active in their respective communities#+ my family being religious even during soviet times and she even kniws abt the orthodox side of my family#so this shouldnt surprise her this much#why is she trying to talk me out of it saying christianity is evil and she cant agree to creationism like ok bitch me too#she acting as if im gonna become some republican american blonde woman or an primitive medieval peasant wthhh#and like i get it she and her family have always been agnostic and she doesnt have any personal experience with believe and faith#but that is even more reason to shut the hell up?? especially bc i just told her as like a life update i didnt want to start a discussion#w an agnostic no less#ppl like that make me so uncomfortable and then she kept saying things like this person is godless as a joke like stfu???#and kept bringing up she csnt believe in god at random times it made me so umcomfortable#especially bc now i feel hesitant to invite her to hangouts w my more 'strict' friends like idk what she thinks abt them and i dont want to#expose my friends who have to listen to enough shit to someone like that like i want my home to be a safe space for my friends#anyways thats the same girl who keeps telling me she doesnt think im white and when i tell her her saying this makes me uncomfortable#shes argues its ok bc she is not white herself ok wth im literally german/slavic how is that not white im crying#cant really articulate what exactly makes me uncomfy abt this but feels like she wants to enable me its really weird#also with tge christian stuff like ive always been religious she kniws abt me reading religious texts its so weird to me#why are you my friend if you disagree with a foundamental part of my life#maybe she thoight i was an ok one bc me and my familys approach to believe and faith is very relaxed but wth man
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#thinkinn abt changing my name#i have thought about it for 3yrs#but honestly.... last year i got so sidetracked and everything in my life fell away#its just that i dont fkn care abt anything#but being in love and filling my life with that#was what happened bc it is what i need and want lol#but now im like ok... back into the empty hollow of my so called life#my id card expires in mid november#so i have to send the application for name change now if i wanna do it#the thing is...#im attached to this name in english#it is nice sounding in english yeah. but in swedish is sounds like absolute garbage#i like the other name i've thought abt changing to foryears. it was what my mom was originally gonna call me#it soyunds better in swedish too#but tbh im also attached to it bc...#idk... feeling like her (that name) with him felt right and sounded right#and i loved that name in his mouth and him calling me that and it was nice and i couldve lived in that forever#but now thats gone#and tbh i cannot stay there all alone while he is gone and had left and is w someone else#i cant like not change my name simply bc it is painful that i will never hear him call me my new name#and i really did feelcomfortable inthat name and being her with him#but im never even gonna hear his voice again#am i just gonna listen to his old voice messages and cry and enjoy him calling me my name#while he has left and is in lobve with someone else#and is calling her HER name. no. i cant#i wanna cry just thinking abt that. i dont wanna let him or us go#but he made that choice for me and i cannot do anything abt it#no matter how fkn bad it hurts. how much i dont want to#im gonna have to move on and live my boring empty ass life without him lol#so yeah.. i should change my name
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god this fucking sucks.
#thinking that things were ok and safe COVID wise and then having the rug pulled out from under me I mean.#when I say I wish I never stopped masking I mean it for practical reasons too but a huge factor for me has also just been the psychological#distress of thinking things were safe and having that freedom followed by the gut punch of how abysmal the reality of COVID is!!!#we were never safe the freedom was false and now I'm trying to protect myself and others and nobody in my life will do the same for me#and I know I've had 1-2 infections and the compounding damage is high risk for me and the brain damage makes me so upset#bc my brain is already really bad and terrible and frustrating to live with and I cant handle it getting worse I cant#I just want to live and be a person and not have to worry about this and compromise my bodily safety bc I dont have anywhere to go where#the ppl I would cohabitate with would even CONSIDER being covid conscious and masking up like even a little bit#and I cant get too upset bc weve been lied to and traumatized and its really really hard to counteract that. bc im doing it rn and it#fucking SUCKS and i want to feel safe again so bad but I know that would be a lie#the absolute kindest and most understanding ppl around me are still treating this like its my personal problem. like ok when YOU feel safe#this is not a live and let live situation fuck!!! fuck you!!!!!#ok. gonna cry and try to sleep#it speaks
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hi everyone ! !
it's been a while since i've really posted anything on this blog. sorry about that, however i've been a lot happier! i got back into things that make me so, so incredibly happy and excited!
that's more vital to me, my happiness over my interests mean a lot to me so of course i'm sticking to the things that make *me* happy.
with that though: i'm still in the selfshipping community but i don't know if i'll post anything on this blog about it, or my selfships anymore. i don't know. that's still something i need to think about.
i wanted to post something on here considering the fact i haven't posted in a while; i haven't forgotten about y'all, promise. i rather enjoy the things i like and selfship privately because then i don't feel horrible for shipping myself with a character that means a lot to me.
however! there are a lot of nice people in this community! i just like to do my own thing.
i might reblog things on here but at the moment, i'm enjoying my time away from this side blog and enjoying prioritizing my main blog a lot more.
also happy pride! i hope this month has been kind and gentle to you all!
#ashley talks#is that the tag for this blog i havent been on here in so long i forgot my own tags lol#oh it is ok lol#this community has probably stunted my mental health more than id like to admit actually now that i think about it#that could be why i dont like being public with my ships#i was gonna add something about discord on here although idk if any of yall wanna talk to me on discord#if you do uh send an ask? please dont dm me thatll be rad#<- just dont trust dms really#ok goodbye now. im going back to enjoying silly things and crying about my favourite tv show again#later
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...
#ok. ok. in less than 8hrs i have to get up and drive to the airport. and thats ya kno but im trying to b ok abt it#like im not crying and hyperventilating. ive made the drive lots of times. its just. when i have to drive anywhere it morphs into#r u ready? ur gonna cause a horrible accident destroying multiple lives in the process. r u ready? and im like no i hate that stop#so that makes it hard. and im not a bad driver. it just terrifies me thst i space out and become non reactive. like thsts not good. be#reactive pls. i just hate it. and this means i also have to drive back as well. while probably horribly jet lagged#bleh. itll b fine. unless it isnt. but itll b fine. im just scared that something will happen and i wont b able to leave. i cant even b#excited abt going on vacation bc i cant think past the possibility of something preventing me from getting to ohio bc if i let myself get#excited then it wont happen. which is magical thinking nonsense but its how it feels. ugh. dont think abt it. itll be over in 24hrs 🤞#knock on wood. idk what im gonna do while traveling tho. what am i gonna think abt? what to draw? what to plan? idk#the bad part of traveling is thst i cant take all my markers 😫 me and my 500 shitty alcohol pens lol#ill either draw a lot bc im not working or very little bc ill actually be happy for a while#oh god. my boss just sent an email. i wanna ignore it. let me rest.#bleh. last time i flew home i wanted to cry when i landed lol. well see if that happens again#i feel like i was more depressed then but im more fucked up now. but like im also more functional. well. sorta#ugh. i should finish packing#unrelated#its so funny to me when i get homesick like lol bitch u wanna go back to ohio????
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vent tw, if you have depression please please just dont interact-
#ok so. to preface this for anyone with depression going past this point. im not gonna be nice. this isnt about you#this isnt about you in particular or how your secretly constantly a burden to everyone you love or how you just cant get it right#its not about having to deal with a person with depression but more how the social climate has made it so its so hard to deal with every#thing. thats all. if you read more do not blame me for feeling bad.#that was your only and last warning#okay so! now that hopefully all my homies with depression out there are ok- it is hard being surrounded by people with depression#sorry like. i am the only one in my imediate family without depression. and its. its hard a lot#like i care so much about these people and yet i cant help them because their either sad or tired or angry or numb most of the time#and i cant do anything. i cant do anything at all. and thats fucked!!!!! i think. sorry i am not one for curing mental illness but i really#really wish there was just a cure for depression so the people i care about could be happy and have energy and be ok#i dont want to constantly worry in the back of my head if what ill say next will lead them to going quiet and sad#or worry about how a few too many wrong moves and a hard time could push them off the edge. i know it wont happen.#but i worry about it constantly especially with the political climate#and i care for them so much and i just wish they could feel happy most of the time. just more than half is enough. more than half#gosh its gotten to the point a sertain tone of voice or someone saying their tired can make me feel bad#like bad enough i need to leave the room and go cry. everyone is alwase tired and i dont know what to do#i feel like a little kid being so sensitive by others emotions- but i cant help it. i cant help it when im surrounded#again this isnt a bash against anyone with depression. this is a bash against depression because of all the pain its given my loved ones#if i could fight depression as a just. thing i would mawl it alive. tooth and nail til all that was left was either bones. cartalige.#blood and flesh that hadent somehow made it into my stomach. and id keep it alive for a long as i could as i killed it#it would suffer 10 times the amount its made others suffer if i could. i can be a cruel bitch and i will if i ever got the chance.#and u h ya! sorry lil bit of silly moment i am just. sick of the tired. if i could id honestly never hear the phrase im tired again
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do ye ever reflect on how stupid you were for people. i made you spicy honey fried halloumi bites for lunch and you couldnt acknowledge me after my friend passed
#sorry. friends are gone on girls trip w/o me and they havent texted so now im emosh#i hand made one of them a scroll because she was the first of us to do their leaving#and ye cant text 😭😭#I GAVE ONE OF THEM MY HAND MADE POTTERY WAX MELT CANDLE HOLDER#THAT WAS IN THE SHAPE OF ROLLING HILLS AND HAD A LITTLE HAND MADE COW AND A WATER POND TO PUT THE WAX IN 😭😭#AND THESE GIRLLLLLSSSSSSSS…….#ditch me on my 18th and call me unlovable and incapable of love to my face 😦#ugh. ughhh#but i loooove doing th#I BOUGHT ONE OF THEM A TEA POT AND FILLED IT WITH THINGS THEYD LOVE THE OFFICE STYLE#i loove doing things for people. like i just really like it#making people special gifts or pieces or food or whstever#but sometimes i get sad when i reflect and see its never even reciprocated even in like… passing#i dont at all expect lengths but like. i can cry in front of them and they will just ignore me and slag me off#and they all talk about the trip in fromt of me like in groups where im the only one not going so im just ther elike. ok#And itd be different if it was a discussion i could join in on#but like. thats such a faux pas#i even did it for another girl once#me lauren lara vreanna iso were chatting about a trip and ailbhe was there too so i whispered to lauren just hey maybe not now since ailbhe#is here#and she was like omg yes course#so its not like theyre unfamiliar w the concept#why do i do so much for people :/#again i dont rhink its I Expect Something Back Please i think its just. dont be mean to me please#w/e w/e!!!!#im talking#i say this but i know im gonna end up making too much garlic butter and give it to molly LMAO
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and also it doesnt even matter if i miraculously get a job tmrw bc we don't have a car . and im too out of shape to walk anywhere bc everything is far away . so i genuinely dont jnow what to do
#im not smart or talented or hot enough to have a source of income working from home.#i dont have a ged or a kicense or a way to get to work or much experience + ive got a steadily fucking growing gap in my employment history.#And i have essentially 0 social skills i barely Function half the time im dissociated or just crying. im weak and out of shape and#not pretty im like. unhireable i think . and again even if a place did hire me I dont have a way to fucking get 2 work#i might be able to walk 2 a place if i had been at work for a while bc if be more used to being on my feet and active again. its take a#while and id be in a Lot of pain but like. itd be doable. and once i worked for s bit i could get lyfts even tho Expensive also idk that#there as many drivers here. and wtvr. but if i did that itd be Less money to help my family and less money to save up toget my own place and#atp maybe its selfish of me to want my own place and i need to judt be more grateful im allowed 2 stay here . yk#idk. im so tired i just need like. idk. ik the only way is to just get through it and get a job and make it work but it feels so pointless#everything always does. i cant keep getting over hurdles man im so fucking tired of getting through hurdles#every single day is Difficult and every single day is the Same and any time j manage to have a good day ill just go right back to feeling#exactly the same. and even if it looks like everythings better for a bit it all goes back down eventually and ik im supposed to be like But#itll get better again after that <3 ups and downs are a part of life <3 we have to have the bad to appreciate the good <3 im just fucking#sick of the goddamn bad im fucking sick of it ive had enough bad i want good. ik other ppl deserve it more i want everybody to have good#days and be safe and happy i don't want things to keep getting worse but everything just gets worse and all the good parts r tempirary and#im so tired. I am not your strongest soldier bro !!!#idk. i just want to be atable i dont need anything crazy i just want my family to live comfortably and to have enough money that i can#donate i rly donot need much i dont need that much food 2 survive i dont need a ton of space i dont need a nide house i like. i just want to#be Stable and know that everything will be ok. yk. at least 4 my family i want them all to be able to eat and the bills 2 be paid and#hopefully for lamp and the kids 2 go to college. bc lamp and tag both want to go to college and itsy is 6 so he soesnt care#but i want them to be able to so bad bc i can't and i ws never gonna be able to and i dont get to be whiny abt that but like. they want to#and theyre smart and passionate and like. i want them to be able to achieve their dreams and get to have normal lives and be fulfilled and#happy. yk. idk. annie showed me her schoolwork the other day and since it wa first week at like. an alt school it ws a lot of personality#type stuff and mental health stuff and im not gonna get into it bc its not mine to tell but. their answers for one of the things made me so#upset bc it sounded so much like me when i was their age and even now and it makes me feel so guilty that like. i didnt make it better for#them. im the one whos supposed to endure it and then theyre supposed to get to be happy but im too fuckinf weak nowadays and i can't keep#any of them safe or happy and i feel so insanely useless. i hate it i just want to be useful idc anymore like. i want to be good i want to#be helpful i want to be cared abt and its so selfish bc a part of me is like. Ohh wahhh we shouldnr have to do all that to be cared abt wahh#and its dumb bc Yes i do its my job. it just fucking sucks rn bc like i have all the like. sorrow over this being what i have to do and this#is my lot in life but i also have all the guilt over how im not doing it bc km lazy and selfish and i cant just work bc im . Ugh
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taking what’s not yours
best friends girlfriend!ellie williams x reader
-`♡´- summary : you’ve been in love with your best friends girlfriend forever now. you leave it alone thinking nothing will happen, but what if ellie has been secretly wanting you too?
-`♡´- warnings : smut minor dni, teeny bit of angst? cheating, breaking girl code, perv!ellie, dina slander (ilysm dina it’s for the plot im sorry), public stufff, abby x reader and ellie x dina in beginning, strap sex, fingering, oral, spanking, slapping, dirty talk, dom!ellie x sub!reader, reader is receiving everything lol, crying, masturbation watching!, ellie says some nasty things so if that’s not your thing you can skip this one, intended lowercase, if i missed any please let me know! <3
-`♡´- a/n : SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG OMG this was so much fun to write i’ve been dying to post this!! i really hope you all like it! if you do, please show your support i appreciate it so much! if you don’t no worries! i’m a new writer so i can’t please everyone but i hope i do :p
🇵🇸 as always, please continue to keep sharing and supporting Palestine 🇵🇸
daily click
︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶
“first double date!” your best friend dina screams in your shared apartment. you laugh and you finish putting in your earrings. “i’m so happy you finally stopped thinking about this mystery crush i don’t know about!” your heart skips a couple beats but you play it off.
“yeah you’re welcome, now you can get those bff double dates you’ve always wanted,” you say smiling at her.
“i know! and abby?” dina lets out an impressed whistle. “ok girl she’s cute!” you laugh and give her a friendly shove. abby was really hot. she had the biggest arms, and she was so tall it felt like she almost towered over you, but there was just something about her that didn’t make you fall for her, or maybe it was something about you? maybe you just didn’t find her all that cute, maybe you just haven’t given her enough time, or maybe it’s because-
“oh hey babe!” dina cheers and runs over to where the door just opened. oh yeah, that’s why.
“hey, you look good,” ellie says sending you a smirk and making your cheeks go warm. “what are you so dressed up for?” you and dina give her a confused look.
“remember els? our double date?” dina excitedly tried to remind her. “i told you about it yesterday but i think you were too busy on your phone.” she then tells her with an annoyed look on her face. ellie’s eyes widen.
“oh! uh i didn’t know that was you. i thought it was another one of your friends babe?” ellie says, a slight panic in her voice.
“ellie, she is like my only friend, or the only friend who would be going on a double date with us.” dina tells her. ellie finally understands then turns her line of vision towards you. “who’s the lucky lady?” she tries to joke.
wish it were you you silently think to yourself. but that’s wrong to think, because ellie is your best friends girlfriend and ellie sees you as her girlfriends best friend. that would be wrong, and stupid, and horrible, and kinda hot, just sneaking around and-
“abby. abby anderson.” you finally say, quickly snapping yourself out of your disgusting thoughts. ellie’s eyes widen again.
“wait abby?” she finally says. “oh uh that’s fun yeah this will be fun.” she rambles on. you and dina give each other confused looks but quickly forget about it once you three gather into ellie’s car and head to the restaurant.
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you, dina, and ellie enter a small and dark restaurant that you randomly found this morning. it was a cute and casual place and all you wanted to do now was drink.
“you guys go and grab a table, im gonna order us some drinks and wait for abs.” you tell them.
“ok cutie you know what i want!” dina excitedly tells you. giggling, you send her a thumbs up and turn towards the bartender to put in your order, missing the way ellie stared at you when your heavenly laugh filled the restaurant.
after putting in your order, you feel a big pair of hands wrap around you and squeeze. you let out a a quick gasp before slowly sinking into the body behind you.
“abby you scared me!” you laugh and you turn around, giving her a hug.
“aw sorry gorgeous i just had to,” she said, giving you a quick peck on the cheek. you catch up at the bar while you wait for you drinks. once you got them, you and abby headed to a corner table in the back to join the rest of your friends.
“abby’s here!” you excitedly say as dina gets up to give her a hug. you see ellie glance at her from the side of eye and make a small scoff.
odd you think.
“i’m so glad you could join us! you know ellie right?” dina asks and you and abby sit down. dina has the biggest smile on her face as she sits accrocs from you and chats with abby, who puts her arm around you. you could almost hear ellie scrunch up next to you at the touch.
you turn to her, “you ok?” you ask quietly. her facial expression changes into her usual smug as she asks you what you mean. “never mind, sorry,” you say back. you try your hardest to join in on dina and abby’s conversation, attempting to force ellie out of you mind but to no avail.
this is gonna be a long night.
︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶
a couple drinks later, all four of you had a good buzz and conversation was flowing. abby’s arm fell off your shoulders as you drunkenly leaned into her. you were actually starting to have a really great time with abby. she was so sweet and respectful, and you could definitely see this going somewhere. you think she might feel the same when you feel a hand on your thigh, opposite side of abby. when did her hand get there?
you gasp. “abby!” you say her name playfully. “stopp” you drag out innocently.
“huh? i’m not doing anything,” she says back to you, confused look on her face. mhm you hum back. you allow her her hand to dance around on your thigh, until it finally moves up a little more, and her fingertips graze under your skirt. goosebumps cover your skin at how soft and delicate her fingers were.
“ok not funny anymore,” you slap her arm playfully, praying dina and ellie are too invested in their own conversation to see what’s going on under the table.
“i didn’t say anything,” abby laughs, “maybe you’re done with the drinks.” but then her fingers go from under your skirt, to under your underwear. you moan quietly and abby stares at you again.
“you good baby?” she asks, but you can’t respond because now her fingers are slowly pumping into your wet cunt, and as soon as they do, you hear a moan from ellie next to you.
you look over, seeing ellie and dina quietly making out next to you and your heart drops a bit. you wonder if they’re doing the same thing as you and abby, the table cloth covering your lower halves. the fingers in your pussy speed up their movements and your attention is back towards abby.
“fuck abs,” you breathe out.
“oh baby, what are you doing to me,” she moans out, both her hands coming to cup you face as she shoves her tongue down your throat, her fingers still reaching your spo-
wait what?
you stop kissing abby and dramatically look at her hands on your face. you count once, twice, three times. both hands on your face, one still deep inside of you. you panic and look around to where ellie and dina are still making out, however as you look back down, you realize it was never abby making you come close to cumming in fucking public.
it was ellie.
“oh my god!” you let out as you quickly stand up.
“hey hey hey you okay?” abby asks. both her and dina look startled at your reaction, as well as the whole restaurant. your head is spinning as you look around to see all the people staring at you.
ellie
instead of giving you a concerned look, she instead looks up into your eyes and smirks, bringing the fingers that were just inside you, to her lips, and slowly sucking your juices off her fingers. her gaze never leaving yours.
“bathroom,” you silently let out still in shock. “i’m gonna go to the bathroom.” you tried your hardest not to stutter as you run to hide. once inside, you finally allow everything to hit you, hating yourself that you were even more turned on that it was ellie, your best friends girlfriend.
you gather your thoughts and try to keep everything down as you head back to the table. you see all of them standing up already, telling you it was probably a good time to head home. you agree, following them out the restaurant door.
︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶
the four of you make your way inside you and dina’s apartment, all of your happy banter filling the room.
“hey i think me and ellie were gonna head to bed, see you in the morning abby?” dina asks, a scowl on ellie’s face behind her.
“yeah, if that’s okay with you?” abby turns to look at your figure.
“yeah of course!” you cheerfully say, still feeling guilty about earlier. abby gives you a warm smile and your eyes stray away to look over at ellie, her eyes meeting yours. her frown turning to a smirk when she catches your gaze. you quickly turn away, feeling so much smaller than usual.
everyone heads upstairs and into the rooms. abby and you crawl into your bed as silence takes over.
“you sure you were okay today?” she asks you.
“yeah, i’m sorry i think i just drank too much.” you tell her laughing, a big smile on her when you do. the room falls quiet once again, before abby breaks it.
“you’re so beautiful.” you blush at her compliment and give her a quick peck.
“you’re too good to me.” you say, the situation earlier still not leaving your mind. instead of answering, abby pulls you into a more passionate kiss. she grows greedy and shoves her tongue into your mouth, showing dominance. she climbs on top of you and her kisses start trailing down your neck.
“fuck abby,” you moan out, she groans back in response, her kisses trail lower and lower until they’re finally resting on top of your clothes cunt. you beg her to do something before she slowly starts taking off your shorts, followed by your panties, leaving you in just your t-shirt.
“mmm so hot,” she tells her, then quickly starts licking your clit with her tongue. pleasure overtakes you, your mind overtakes you, and you think back to ellie, and how good she made you feel under the table.
“yes, fuck el-“ you catch yourself before you can finish, but sit up in a panic.
“woah, um are you sure you’re okay? we can stop.” you startle abby for a second time tonight, but we’re thankful she didn’t catch your slip up.
“uh yeah sorry um i just got really thirsty all of the sudden,” you rush out, standing up off the bed and going downstairs to get water. you don’t even give her a chance to respond, and you’re already downstairs at the sink. you chug your glass of water and give yourself a couple of little slaps on your face to snap out of it.
“nice outfit” you hear behind you, you quickly spin around standing face to face with ellie, the girl who’s name you almost just moaned upstairs. “or should i say..” she trails off and looks you up and down, “no outfit?” she questions, eyebrows furrowed as she bites her lip. it takes you a couple seconds to register that, while you were in your hurry, you completely forgot to put your pants back on, and now ellie had felt and seen your pussy.
“oh my god!” you silently panic and cover yourself.
“don’t be shy now,” ellie now stalks toward you. “nothing i haven’t seen before.” her infamous smirk once again resting on her stupid beautiful face. you felt so weak, you couldn’t do this right now, in fear that you would cave and become the worlds worst best friend. again.
“uh, what are you doing up?” you try to start some sort of conversation, but her movements don’t stop and she’s still heading straight towards you.
“well, i was gonna fuck my girlfriend, but then she fell asleep, and i was gonna go to sleep, but..” she paused again. “i heard you come down here after your little slip up with abby and had to hear all about it.” your eyes widen and your heart drops.
she heard.
“ellie no,” your eyes start to fill up with tears. you feel pathetic, but to ellie, you look so fucking good. “i’m so sorry it was just because of tonight and at dinner-“
“ah, tonight was really fun” she cuts you off. you back up into the kitchen counter and you’re trapped.
“your pussy tasted so good,” ellie tells you, her voice drops and her eyes fill with lust. “are you gonna be a good girl and let me taste you again?”
you can’t move. all your guilt and morals are now completely out the window as you stare up at the breathtaking woman in front of you. without thinking, you nod your head slowly, a dazed look on your face causing ellie to let chuckle.
“words baby, open that pretty mouth and use your words.” she tells you. she brings her hand up to your face, sticking her thumb into your mouth. “wider.” she orders you. you obey and her thumb travels into your mouth and down your throat, causing you to gag. she moves her thumb around in your throat, then collects your spit up in her hand, smearing it around your mouth. “good girl,” she says, as she softly slaps your face.
out of no where, her hands go under your thighs as she lifts you up on the kitchen counter. once up, she grabs the back of your head, forcing your lips to meet hers.
sparks
that’s what you felt, as cheesy as it sounds, you felt sparks and pleasure shoot through your body. ellie was such a good kisser. she took the lead, making your lips match hers in a sinful rhythm. with her tongue still down your throat, she spreads your legs open, both hands squeezing your thighs causing you to let out a whimper. ellie stops and slaps your face harder this time.
“stay quiet or ill stop.” she sternly tells you, hand aggressively gripping your face. you shake your head fast and try to go in for another kiss, but she backs away. “no, no, what do you think you’re doing. just stay put and look pretty. let me take care of you.” her dominance made your pussy even wetter.
she slowly goes down on her knees, trailing kisses up your thighs and her gaze never leaves yours. “els, please, need you so bad,” you beg her, you don’t care how pathetic you look, and you certainly don’t care that this is your best friends girlfriend who’s going down on you right now.
“how bad do you want it baby hm? why don’t you show me.” she has an sinister look on her face, but with your mind foggy with pleasure, you quickly get comfortable and make sure that your pussy is right in front of her face. you slowly start teasing your own pussy, fingers sliding up and down your folds, biting your lip and staring right at ellie. she stares right at your pussy, watching how you play with it, and how you make yourself feel good. it drives her mad.
slowly, you put one finger in your pussy, letting out a quiet moan. “need you right here, els. so bad.” but before you can get any deeper, she yanks your hand away and scoots you up closer to her mouth.
“fucking slut,” she breathes out, before shoving her tongue into you. pleasure hits you quickly, and your eyes fill with tears.
“oh my god, ellie,” you squeal. she ate your pussy so good. she knew exactly what made you feel good, and you were coming close. “you’re gonna make me cum, fuck.” now you looked pathetic. you couldn’t stop moving under her, she kept having to hold you down with her hands, which would definitely result in bruising in the morning. you had to grab onto her toned arms, hair, shoulders, anything. it was becoming too much. but before you could come undone, she pulls away quickly, toying with you a bit, then giving a quick slap to your pussy. you jolt up, moaning loud, before she comes up and shoves her finger into your mouth again.
“told you to shut this pretty mouth up,” she scolds you, but then she gets an idea. “i know something that can keep it busy.” she then connects her lips to your neck, leaving light kisses while she grabs your hand and brings it to the bulnge in her boxers. you clench and let out a gasp, not expecting her to still be wearing a strap, but needing her to do something.
“ellie, please fuck my mouth. please please please,” you beg her more and she bites her lip at your whimpering.
“so fucking perfect,” she compliments, pulling down her shorts. the same fingers that were in your mouth now trail to your pussy, where she starts to pump two fingers into you. “and so fucking tight,” she moans. “so much tighter than dina,” she smirks at you, watching your eyes widen and your heart drop, but your eyes roll back once she starts pumping faster.
“you think your ready for it baby?” she asks you.
“yes please ellie,” you beg. she lifts you up off the counter and you fall to your knees right in front of the strap. you stare up at her, your eyes sparkling, and ellie bites her lip as she feels herself get wet. you pulls your chin down gently and puts its in your mouth. you moan as you feel it touch your tongue.
“yes, just like that baby, fuck so good at taking me in your pretty mouth,” she tells you, the sight of you with the friction of the strap was just enough to drive her crazy. she starts pumping herself into you faster and faster, making you moan and gag, which was such a beautiful sight for ellie.
“fuck, i need you so bad,” she tells you, “flip over baby.” she demands, and you do. it’s clear that you have no shame. face down ass up on your kitchen floor waiting to be fucked by someone who is so incredibly off limits. ellie’s voice brings you back to reality.
“prettiest pussy i’ve ever seen.” you clench at her words, causing her to bite her lip. “fuck. cant wait any longer. have to fuck you.” quickly, ellie’s on her knees and lining the strap up so it’s perfectly aligned with you.
you gasp as she slowly slides into you so effortlessly. the kitchen slowly fills with the sounds of you wet pussy, the slapping of ellie fucking you, and both of your dainty moans. it was so sinful, yet so beautiful at the same time. ellie quickly speeds up her motions, her right arm grabbing you under your tits and bring you up against her chest.
“you look so fucking pretty when i fuck you,” she tells you, her left hand coming around to rub your clit. you cover your mouth with both of your hands as she starts pounding into faster and faster. lips covering every part of your face, neck, and shoulders. you two had a perfect rhythm, causing both of you to feel yourselves growing close and fast.
“els, you’re gonna make me cum,” you struggle to get out.
“i’m close too baby, cum with me please,” she now begs you, desperate to finish.
her thrusts are now faster than ever, as the noise in the kitchen becomes louder and louder, not caring if anyone heard. the feeling in your stomach now starts to unravel and your vision goes black. you let out a loud and long moan, which is quickly cut off by your hands returning to your mouth. however this time, ellie yanks your hands away from your mouth.
“wanna hear you cum,” she demands. you don’t hold back as you feel your thighs start to drip and your legs start to shake. you lean your head back on ellie’s shoulder, hearing her own moans of pleasure fill your ears. she fucks you a little more as she finishes, and then slowly pulls out of you.
you have never been fucked like that before. it was absolutely heaven.
“someone made a mess,” ellie smirks as she gives you a peck on the cheek. you look down and you realize you did in fact make a mess, ellie made you squirt.
“holy shit, i’ve never done that before,” you let out a breathy laugh and look up at ellie, who’s just biting her lip.
“s’hot,” she lets out, still exhausted from the best sex of her life too. you awkwardly stand up, still naked, and try to clean the floor, but ellie stops you.
“hey hey no let me do that, you just go to bed,” she politely tells you, and your heart melts. you ask her if she’s sure and she promises that she’s fine. you thank her and she pulls you in for one last kiss. “again sometime?” she asks you, and without thinking, you say yes and head up the stairs, telling yourself that you’ll deal with the guilt of it tomorrow.
you enter your room with a smirk on your face, still out of it from how good ellie fucked you. before climbing in your bed, you yelp as you see abby fast asleep. you completely forgot about her, she probably fell asleep, too tired to even wait for you because of how long you were taking.
again, you should feel bad, but you don’t, because ellie williams just fucked you, so you get dressed go to sleep with a smile on your face, dreaming about the next time you fuck your best friends girlfriend.
︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶
LMAOOOO SORRY THIS IS AN HOUR AND A HALF LATE BUT I WANTED TO MAKE IT PERFECT EVEN THOUGH I RUSHED AT THE END SORRRYYY
i hope you babies enjoy ❤️ i love you
CVNTTTLUVERRRRRR owt
#ellie willams x reader#ellie williams#ellie williams fanfic#ellie smut#ellie williams smut#ellie williams tlou#ellie williams fics#ellie willaims#ellie williams fic#ellie williams fanfics#ellie x reader#ellie x you#ellie williams masterlist#lesbian#ellie williams angst
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hmm.
#ack. i wanna but a scale so bad but idk how much money i have rn#well at least since im restricting again ill have more money since i dont spend it all on food#wish i could get a job but id have to walk to it and i cant in the weather so im gonna wait till spring or summer#might wait till i turn 18 bc ill have way more options so i might aswell. its only like 2 months off from when i could even get one at all#hmmm. ill have to ask my mom to tell me how much is on my card bc i cant check it myself. im kinda regretting letting my sister not pay me#back immediately for $30 bc then i could buy a scale rn but she doesnt have much rn so whatever#going another month without a scale wont kill me. for the majority of the time before i recoved it didnt have a scale so whatever#but i remember feeling so awful not even knowing if the pain i put myself through did anything so idk if its worth that#i fall ever enough as is with my pots so idk if i wanna add starvation to tye mix when i cant even see the numbers drop#well. ill find out how much i have today and if i have a fair bit then ill buy one soon but if not then ill just cry ig#idk. i feel stupid for relapsing. i KNOW.it feels terrible and i dont even care much about getting skinny. i just miss starving myself#its not about getting skinny its just about seeing the number go down and hurting myself and i know it doesnt actually feel good but like#idk. my life has felt chaotic and out of control recently and i need something to hold on to even if it kills me#i dont even wanna die anymore either. i used to but now i dont. i have life plans that i wanna pursue. im not stuck in a moldy house with#people who abuse me. i live with my only friend in a place where i can actually go places. not many places but theres at least something#idk. i think itd be easier to be ok if i had other friends but i just have my sister. i dont even know how or where you meet people#everything i read either says scool for minors or bars for adults which is useless to me. the only others things are things not around me#idk. i guess ill have to get a car eventually and when i do that then i can go places. i feel so bleh lately#i just. i wanna be sickly and skinny. not bc i think im ugly but bc i wanna be sick. i dont dislike my appearance. im relatively thin#not that it matters bc theres nothing wrong with being fat but like. idk. i used to hate my appearance so much but i dont now#so it feels so weird that im relapsing anyway#idk
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The bad news is that I had an episode (svt) and hesitated too long to call the paramedics and missed it by like one fucking minute. The good news is that I passed as male LOL
#when the paramedics think ur packing#ok but actually holyfuckholyfuck that was so fucking scary and upsetting bc i was alone and didn't know if i was going to pass out#now i feel fucking terrible#and want to cry bc just. god fucking damnit.#and i have stuff i have to do tomorrow and i was gonna fucking party but god only knows if i'll even be able to do the dishes#esp considering loading the dishwasher requires the very same movement that triggered my fucking episode ahahaaaaaa fml#and i still feel like i'm gonna vom#my bpm was 190#literally up until like a minute maybe less than before they actually checked my bpm#i think it went down bc i lifted my arms above my head but tbh who even knows#i tried a vagal maneuver when it hit but it didn't work. like thrice#ugh T____T#srry for being a baby but god that was fucking terrifying bc the last time it happened my bpm got up to 240 at least. it was so high our#oximeter wouldnt even read it#and i had to go to the hospital#and it took me a whole fucking YEAR to recover - mostly recover#i never actually fully recovered from that but i could drink coffee again after a year#so im just like. well fuck T____T
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dad!matt and dad!chris is all i want in life
A Day with Dad - Chris Sturniolo
Summary: Chris is left at home with his two daughters
TW!: none really
Requested?: yes
A/N: feedback, interaction, and requests are appreciated! ( im also very sorry if this sucks i don't read a lot of dad!chris or matt fics😭)
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You and Chris have finally started building the family you've dreamed of for so long. You have two daughters: Avery who has just turned 4, and Scarlet who is 1 year old. You and Chris couldn't be happier living this life, but Chris noticed you've started to become more tired and tense, so during summer break, when the kids were home. He planned a day out full of activities for you and your friends.
It was 8:30 in the morning and you were leaving the house to get to the Breakfast place Chris put in a reservation for. "I'll see you soon," you say as you grab your house keys. "Have fun baby" Chris says as he grabs your chin and kisses you. "I'm gonna miss my girls," You say thinking of their cute chubby little faces. "They'll be with the fun parent, they won't miss you one bit," Chris says with a sense of pride. You roll you're eyes and laugh. "Whatever, Chris, I love you." "I love you more baby", and with that, you're stepping into the car and driving off. Chris waits outside until the car has fully left his sight before heading back inside.
As soon as he steps inside, he hears crying. "Scarlet" He mutters under his breath before running up the stairs and into the girls' room. He turns on the light and lifts Scarlet out of her crib. As soon as she's in his arms, she quiets down.
"Good morning sunshine, how are you?" Chris' presence wakes up his second daughter Avery. "Daddy!" Avery squeaks, wrapping her arms around Chris's leg. "Hey, bunny. You're pretty happy today!" He says, setting Scarlet back down in her crib. "Ok girls, Mommy went out today so guess what? You're gonna be spending the day with the best dad in the world," He says pointing both his fingers towards him. The girls cheer and Chris laughs. "Let's start by making some chocolate chip pancakes!"
It didn't go as planned. Chris ended up burning the pancakes. So now the 3 of them sit in the Mc. Donald's drive-thru picking out items from the breakfast menu. "I can't believe we are having Mc. Donalds for breakfast, this is the best day ever!" Avery says, waving her arms in the air. "Technically, they're breakfast foods so it's healthy. Also please don't tell your mother" Avery laughs as Chris picks up the food from the window and drives back home.
It's 4:40 in the afternoon. Chris got Scarlet to take her nap, and somehow he ended up sitting in front of Avery while she braids his hair into pigtails. "Done!" she says, grinning ear to ear as she hands Chris a mirror. "Wow sunshine, I look amazing," Chris says holding back a laugh.
"Now tell me, what would you like for dinner?" Chris asks handing her back the mirror. "Pizza, pizza, pizza!" Avery says jumping around. Chris sighs, "You sure you don't want something healthier sweetie?" Chris asks. "Healthy food sucks," Avery says crossing her arms. Chris lets out a chuckle. "How bout' we get pasta instead, huh sweetie. We've had a little too much fast food don't you think?" "with meatballs?" Avery asked. "With as many meatballs as you like princess," Chris says as he tickles Avery. Almost right after, Chris hears Scarlet cry again.
It's 11:30 and Chris and Avery have fallen asleep on the couch. Scarlet is in her crib, and Moana still playing on the TV. Keys jangle at the door before it finally unlocks. You walk into the living room and see Chris and and Avery snuggled up on the couch asleep, you smile and pull out your phone to take a picture. You tap Chris on the shoulder and he jolts up, then falls back down when he realizes it's just you. "hey baby, you're back" he says, flashing you a tired smile. "I am. How'd it go" "Let's just say i'm the favourite now" You laugh before taking a closer look at him. "What the hell happened to your hair?"
#chris sturniolo#chris sturniolo fanfic#chris sturniolo smut#chris sturniolo x you#chris sturniolo x reader#dad!chris#sturniolo triplets#matt sturniolo#nick sturniolo#sturn#the sturniolo triplets#christopher sturniolo#matthew sturniolo#matt sturniolo imagine#matt sturniolo smut#matt sturniolo x reader#nicholas sturniolo
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