#oh im such an emotional person it sucks
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weeping like a baby over superman red&blue on new years day like any sane person would
#txt#OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDD#oh bible quotes im going to kill myself#and a catholic church#oh im such an emotional person it sucks#everything brings me to the point of tears
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The interesting experience of being pro Sasuke, anti konoha, pro tobirama, anti Naruto ending, pro Sasusaku, anti Itachi, pro Sakura, anti SasuNaru, pro Tobirama×Izuna, anti Madara, pro karin, anti Orochimaru, pro Uchiha and anti Hashirama. And also as much as I hate the guy danzo was kind of hot when he was younger...
#I FEEL ITS VERY IMPORTANT TO SAY THAT I COMPLETELY RESPECT SNS TO THE ULTIMATE DEGREE AND I AGREE WITH THEIR SHIPPERS ON MOST THINGS#BUT THE SHIP STILL KINDA PISSES ME OFF IDK WHY IM SORRY IT JUST RUBS ME THE WRONG WAY I HAVE TRIED TO LOVE IT I REALLY HAVE BUT I CANT#AND MADARA HAD SOME GOOD POINTS BUT I THINK ITS SHITTY THAT HE ABANDONED HIS CLAN AND THEN PLOTTED THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD#ALSO ITACHI HAD LIKE OTHER OPTIONS!???? WHY THE FUCK DID HE TORTURE SASUKE TWICE LIKE 😭😭😭#WHAT WAS THE POINT MY G WHY ARE YOU TORTURING HIM I THINK THE MENTAL IMAGE OF THEM DYING WAS ENOUGH DIDNT NEED TO GIVE HIM 500000 EXAMPLES#WE AS A SOCIETY DO NOT TALK ENOUGH ABOUT THE FACT THAT WHEN MADARA ASKED HASHIRAMA TO EITHER KHS OR KILL TOBIRAMA#TOBIRAMA GENUINELY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT THAT HASHIRAMA WOULD GO AFTER HIS THROAT FOR LIKE- THIS GUY WHO HE USED TO THROW STONES WITH!???#ITS SO DIFFICULT TO FIND PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND SASUKES TRAUMA AND WHO LIKES SASUSAKU 😭😭#COS LIKE ILL 100% ADMIT THAT THE RELATIONSHIP WAS WRITTEN SHITILY AND SUCKED AND DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEYRE SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE BROTHERS#SNS HAS BETTER WRITING THAN SSK OR NRHN SOMEHOW???? ITS WRITTEN SO WELL PEOPLE GENUINELY BELIEVE THE ORIGINAL PLOT HAD SNS PLANNED#BUT ALSO SAKURA IS SO SILLY AND STRONG AND DID ANY OF YOU READ SASUKE RETSUDEN “Trapped by a body he knew perfectly”#OKAY SASUKE YOURE ON A MISSION??? CALM THE FUCK DOWN 😭😭#NO AND IN LIKE SSK FICS SASUKE IS SOME BAD BOY WHO JUST SMIRKS AND IS EMOTIONLESS AND SAKURA IS SOOOOO EMOTIONAL FUCK OFF YOU TWATS!!!!#SASUKE IS THE KITTEN!! SAKURA SO OBVIOUSLY RADIATES DADDY ENERGY YALL ARE FUCKING INSANE!!!#WHY DO WE GET KITTEN SASUKE IN EVERY OTHER SHIP BUT THE FUCKING CANON ONE!! AT MY FUCKING!!!! LIMIT!!!#FIND SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS THE COMPLEXITYS OF SASUKES CHARACTER AND UNDERSTANDS WHAT TRAUMA DOES TO A PERSON YET DOESNT HATE SSK CHALLENG#Uh oh I went a bit mad there hahaha#I REGRET NOTHING SASUKE DID NOTHING WRONG SAKURA IS GIRL BOSS AND THE NARUTO WORLD IS EITHER UNEXPLAINABLY VIOLENT OR FAR TOO FORGIVING#naruto#naruto shippuden#itachi uchiha#pro sasuke#haruno sakura#Pro Sakura#Sasuke Uchiha#sasuke did nothing wrong#It looks awkward to just go from all those long tags to the iddy bitty ones#Moldy-flowers#Kitten and daddy? Tf am i on about I've been watching too much game grumps shi 😭😭
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im gonna fight the tvtropes veilguard fridge section but i dont have an account there so i will just complain on tumblr
like 1) varric made hawke his bussiness partner and is his bestie even if hawke sucks or is rude
2) varric was friends of anders FOR SEVEN FUCKING YEARS do you think in any point he could know what would happend. when they met, anders was having a free healthcare clinic risking his life to help people, how is that not being sure of his character. do you think varric now has a detector of "man this good person after several traumatic events WONT ever put a bomb in a building no matter what" . well according to da4 Yeah he got the perfect Good Person detector cause rook cant possibly do anything bad
#dragon age#there could be good explanations of why rook is always nice but is just. the Game made them this way#the varric excuses are the worst thing i ever heard pls this guy loves hawke#he is not a wholesome person surrounded by wholesome pure people he is just besties with criminals and underdogs#i understand he recruits someone for saving people but#you dont have to be Nice and have the most excellent emotional intelligence all the time to help people#wich this games forces you to#thats what sucks more for me ToT#like is not the “oh i cant be evil” is i cant be rude or lash out or be imperfect the way i want to#dragon age 2 let you lash out!! you could be mega niceys and get angry with your friends for the dead of your mother#and that fucking ruled#da4#veilguard critical#not really im critizing more tvtropes like#this was just a writing choice you can agree or not but i hate these explanations
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i can almost guarantee ive said it before but. he would thrive in a zero escape game
#an octopath ze au would be kinda fun actually.. especially the octo2 party#would love to see these guys in an escape room . it would be so awful#temenos would fit in perfectly and might even make a good mc given his 'truth lies in the flame' segments..#i could see partitio doing well bc of his creativity and general demeanor#osvald is great at math but idk how trusting hed be of everyone in this situation.. especially if they assume zero is one of them early on#throné . girlie im so sorry#i think shed do fine for the most part (hard to say how much her thieving skills would be of help here) but she did not deserve this </3#do not let ochette into any pantry or food storage room. i dont trust any of that food#i wonder if shed have her partner(s) here tho.. how do u handle an owl and/or jackal in this situation..#she would be great for morale tho#same for agnea tho i worry for her emotional state a lil bit . help her#who am i missing .. CASTTI#shes good at managing stress (both hers and others) in awful situations . thank god#and shes there if anyone gets hurt 👍#not that its likely outside of bad end situations ? tho i may be thinking of the 999 map too much..#would it be more fun to use that as the setting or something else altogether.. more modern or more like octopath 2..#how the fuck would someone even make an escape room in . what is it like the industrial revolution. steam era#would it make sense to be able to use magic in universe to pull off something similar..#the canonicity of some ingame mechanics is dubious so its hard to tell how malleable magics uses and effects are..#itd probably be easier to place everyone in a modern setting but i have no idea what some of them would be that way#.. modern fantasy setting ??????#what if they had smartphones in octopath. would that be fucked up or what#also who the hell would be zero . would anyone be in kahoots w zero.. or at least Know Things but be unable to say smth abt it#i straight up forgot to mention hikari earlier but hes prolly like. fine#his intrusive thpughts would probably Suck Bad here but hed want everyone to get out alive as much as everyone else combined#wait who would even be the 9th person. would it be zero. but who..#if it were octo1 id say kit but its harder to get a good octo2 equivalent of him.. hm..#oh god im out of tags . tho what would the game style be like.. nonary game ab game etc etc.. what would be unique but fitting..#am i gonna look into actual scientific theories for this . and how would the morphogenetic field come into play.. and Why..#octotag
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I know Morrison's Batman tends to be considered one of the greats, and I am definitely warming up to it more than I did on my initial read, but there are still some elements of it I found really didn't mesh with me. I feel like I can say this a lot more concisely than I did during my initial readthrough of Batman and Robin 2009, plus I've had more time to reflect and actually form a coherent opinion that wasn't a gut reaction, and keep in mind that I've read Batman and Robin in a vacuum Morrison-wise and can't speak on it in the larger context of their Batman run, but aside from just. very odd writing of certain characters, I feel like one of the more significant things that rubbed me the wrong way with this storyline was that a lot of the "weirdness" I'd seen hyped up felt either inconsistent enough that it didn't have a significant presence for me, especially towards the end of the run, or very surface-level.
One of the runs I see hyped up as some of Morrison's greatest work is Animal Man, especially for its metafictional ending. I haven't gotten around to reading it yet, but I expect that I'll enjoy it, or find it very interesting at the least (although author-inserts can come across a bit arrogant sometimes imo.) The point is I've heard good things, that it comes down to a very interesting and one-of-a-kind conflict in the end, which made me in some part hopeful for similar with Batman and Robin, (although I do have to admit I was reading it in part to see how off his Jason really could be.) I didn't really find that, tbh. There definitely were genuinely weird plot points with impact on the story which I feel were really successful, unfortunately it seems like a lot of them were at the cost of any prior characterization for the characters involved. Damian has steel implanted into his spine which allowed Deathstroke to control his movements and set off his emotional connection with Dick, Talia just had to be written horribly for it to happen. Sasha is a really interesting parallel to Damian/Robin-in-general. The conflict around her grotesque mask permanently fused onto her face and the fear that it'll kill her completely to take it off, the scene in which she gets said mask in the first place/the dollotrons, and the concept of a villain getting their own Robin in someone completely unrelated to Batman and the impact their legacy has had is all really original and cool, it's just that it's all dependent on a bewildering version of Jason that directly contradicts all previous characterization save BftC. To me the tradeoff doesn't feel necessary, but the events are inventive and have weight in the larger story.
In other areas though, especially as the run wrapped up, the zaniness that I see hyped up a lot, while providing a unique atmosphere, felt a lot like set dressing more than anything. In retrospect, the first time I really noticed this was the Professor Pyg dance page back in issue 2 or 3, I believe? But it became much more frequent towards the end of the series. The entire city becomes infected with a viral drug by Professor Pyg which isn't a major threat and doesn't serve anything in the story much besides being wacky, letting Professor Pyg say odd things about his mother sometimes and putting Commissioner Gordon... in a dress! Zany! (Professor Pyg is eventually... presumably?... torn apart by a parade of dollotrons and his narrative importance dies with him.) Alongside the Morrison-original villains like Dr. Hurt and Professor Pyg, there's a mysterious new player in town who's been orchestrating everything, and after a dozen issues of mystery it's the Joker, but wearing a mask and making edgy "differently-abled" jokes!
Dr. Hurt is interesting, and I liked his part of the story if I ignored the panels of auxiliary weirdness thrown on to add to the vibe, and I think there's something fun and interesting there about the legacy of Batman vs. artistic interpretations with his motive of ruining the Wayne's legacy (made more apparent with his talk about the Batcave being "the way it was meant to be in his head," the manor and Batcave "his to ruin," but Dr. Hurt kind of fades out of the story as Batman returns and is defeated by Joker, laying a banana peel on the ground. In the context of the theme of artistic interpretation and Morrison's commentary that they never cared to pretend the story was going to end with anything but a return to the classic Batman, I actually find this really interesting. A character heavily defined and reinvented by Morrison's writing being defeated by one of the most iconic Batman characters with a classic comedy trick from the 19th century feels like the conclusion to the contrast between Batman's legacy and the artistic license of the authors writing the comics: you can have your personalized elements, but the legacy of Batman is elastic and unlikely to be molded by them: certainly it won't be destroyed. Despite this, it didn't change the exhaustion of seeing the Gravedigger's mask come off and settling in for another comic where the Joker is gonna be doing classic zany Joker stuff.
As much as I'm frustrated with the way Talia and Jason are written during this run, I didn't entirely hate it, and the more I think about it, the more I find things I like. Some of my frustrations come down to taste, and are an unavoidable product of my personal taste differing from a pro comic author who had an established writing career while I was going to elementary school. I feel like some previous Batman comics were referenced in really exciting ways, for example the combination of Bruce's absence, a drug being used to gain control over citizens, an odd demonic presence, an imposter cult leader (If you can call Dr. Hurt that) prolonging his life through magical rituals, the background detail of complete chaos in the city, and one of the main villains being torn apart by a crowd of his followers, from the limited number of straight-up-Batman storylines I've read, felt pretty strongly like a nod to The Cult. But even considering the commentary on creative license vs. the consistency of Batman as a pop culture icon, the feeling of reading the comic was frequently that I was being convinced of a weirdness that didn't extend through the story down to the actual structure or plot points of the issue I was reading (with exceptions, such as the Sasha + Professor Pyg thing,) and although I appreciate the message of the return to status quo in the ending, with the hype of the story's inventiveness and uniqueness on my mind, it was kinda disappointing to realize halfway through that for all the weird window dressing, the story would be commiting to a much more traditional turn than what I was expecting.
#batman and robin 2009#I’ll concede that in order to have this much to say I do find it interesting and engaging#this is besides the point but i also feel like one of my issues is that every character read like a similar brand of dickish#i see it hyped up so much that morrison writes very realistic and human characters#and i suppose that assholishness is a human trait#but every character felt like they were perpetually sick of each other or at least were aiming VERY hard for a snappy one-liner#which in turn made me a bit sick of them#like that is one narrow avenue of realistic human#i'm not saying the joker has to be bringing light and love im just saying at times it felt one note#also “bat-god” was immensely corny to me#honestly? I don't think I would hate the concept of Morrison's Jason nearly so much if he just wasn't part of the main canon#let's be clear that is not Jason Todd but the storyline they have going on with him is an interesting narrative#it plays into the theme of staple Batman elements interestingly#it's just deeply incompatible with the character of Jason Todd in the Batman comic series established in 1939#he and talia really are just necessary sacrifices for the story that Morrison wants to tell while characters like Joker can evade that#by virtue of being pop culture icons#it could work well with a different character or it could work well as an alternate universe#I'm just frustrated that it's a total 180 from everything previously established#and now is just a phase the character went through where his entire personality and belief system changed#Morrison seems to find the Joker much more compelling than Jason and I differ from them drastically in that sense#The most lauded emotional moment they wrote for Jason was him quoting Joker in the Killing Joke and that's all I can really say on that#sometimes I consider the possibility that Jason's bizarre fixation on branding is meant to be commentary on the cause for his call-in death#being that readers found him intrinsically unlikeable in the wake of dick but before Robin as a legacy became a convention of Batman#but I don't really believe they're interested enough in his specific character one way or the other for that to be intended#my overall experience of reading Batman and Robin 2009 is looking a a painting and being like oh this is Really good#and then every single brushstroke is a middle finger that sucks really bad#batman#robin#dc comics#grant morrison
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can't stop thinking abt how the fact that declan mattered so little to his father that the asshole couldn't even be bothered to keep the memories of the day his son was born was supposed to make up for declan's whole shitty childhood
like hey kid u know what u just weren't worth the pain. do u feel better abt it now.
#like. for years he made declan feel like he didn't matter.#and then it gets confirmed#and that is somehow the emotional resolution?#trc#declan lynch#the whole getting rid of memories storyline was so unnecessary#such a poor attempt at artificially increasing the poor meow niall factor#like. it's like saying to every kid who got fucked up by the divorce 'oh but u parents suffered more! suck it up'#his parents lacked the emotional maturity to go through the break up and take care of their child at the same time and that's okay#happens all the time#it's okay to say that they fucked up.#u don't need to shift the blame to the child for refusing to see all the love he was supposedly showered with#yes he did that. because it's easier for a child's mind.#the conclusion wasn't supposed to be 'omg my father loved me so much i just refused to see it! now that i see it im happy and healed'#it's 'yeah my father was an asshole and my feelings abt it were valid but he was also a complicated person who did love me in his own way'#'it just wasn't enough to make him a good father and it wasn't my fault'#oh and i am forever mad abt the moth scene at the end#why are we making it abt niall? again#i have had enough of this dude#all that needed to be said abt him was said in dream thieves#he's just not intresting enough to keep bringing him up all the time#this is niall lynch hate blog
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it is always a little funny to me when people try to make psychologists and psychiatrists out to be the only people ever capable of being able to accurately diagnose mental illnesses and disorders and that their word is law as a way to criticize self diagnosis when like. once i was hospitalized and the psychiatrist there who i had not even known for more than a day tried to diagnose me as bipolar despite me having No history of mania because he.. couldn't really understand why i acted the way i did i guess???
#milgran't#tw hospital#tw psych ward#i just randomly remembered this (i say randomly as if i dont know exactly why im thinking about this stuff). dont mind me#tbh i should make a tag for like. more personal posts. but. idk what to make the tag name..#oh well#apologies for not being cool and collected and expressing things that show that im a human with emotions and needs recently#The Holidays are probably. one of the worst times of the year for me </3#its not even seasonal depression or whatever its just Oh Jesus Oh Fuck Oh God (gets hit by 99999 trauma bullets)#that psychiatrist sucked SOOOO fucking bad btw#trying to prematurely diagnose me as bipolar was one of the tamest things he did during my stay#i hate him i genuinely hope he dies <3#tbh i think he actually did. Break The Law with me. he probably couldve argued it was for the safety of others bc im crazy :3. but.#sometimes i just Remember That and im like. huh. hey what the fuck actually#but seriously. so many mental health professionals just make you sit there and go. .. how the FUCK did you get your license??????#ive heard some of The Most ''oh only people who are completely ignorant about mental health say this!'' type of shit from professionals#idk why im the one being labelled as insane when they think saying some of that shit is okay and professional MFKDLSFMDSf
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blah blah blah blah blah
#i have real thoughts rn i am just so overwhelmed with feeling that this is all that can come out#tldr: i wish i could just spend my time traveling and treating women how they Deserve to be treated (well. loved)#thinking about how many people i see who are so deeply sad#thinking about how many ppl ive had a positive impact on even if we ended on terrible terms#thinking about how many more people i could help if i just had the resources ....#thinking about how fucked the psychiatric industry is and how so many therapists suck#thinking about how i actually love being the mommy therapist friend a lot of the time and my limits surrounding that really just come from-#-the fact i Dont have the resources to do this for everyone bc i also have to manage other things in life and work and such#thinking about how if i could i would actually do free emotional labor like. all the time.#thinking about how much it sucks i cant do this#thinking about how much i want to hold every sad girl i see on my dash and let them cry into my arms until they cant anymore#thinking about how much i love my friends#thinking about how much I love...... everyone i meet#not in the like Romantic way but in the “oh hello. you crossed my path. i love you. i love you. i love you. thank you for being alive” way#thinking about all the people who have harmed me and how i Still feel so much love for all of them#thinking of the strangers who have been both rude and kind to me and how much i think of them. how deeply i hope they're still alive.#it..... hurts to love this much ngl#but pushing it down feels worse and im full of this feeling of tender frustration????? because of it#i love that i have so many people who allow me to love them and love me in return#i want to reach through the screen and kiss every follower and mutual and person i follow on the forehead and tell them I love them#i wish i could express more love for people w/o them falling In love with me or being weirded out thinking im In Love w/ them....#i wish i could express better that its not that im aromantic but that i just have so much love at my baseline that its hard for me to-#-Fall in love unless we constantly are talking and communicating and like. working to that together without sounding like a jerk or like im+#+a saint. im not a saint. im not. i just love you. ):#ANYWAY sorry for all those feelings if i didnt get them out i was gonna explode#that also definitely wasnt really a tldr
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oh god ew what the fuck our birthday is in 3 DAYS?? absolutely awful i hate this
#whits fronting but posting this for herbert since he hates it the most#we dont care that were aging but we hate the day itself#it sucks complaining about this because no one seems to get what we mean when we say we hate birthdays#“do you want me to not mention your birthday” people not acknowledging my birthday for the past 20 years is the REASON i hate birthdays#“i hate it too i hate aging” actually i love that i managed to survive another year i just hate birthdays. sorry about your thing though#i love that im aging and growing. i hate that it comes with a birthday#oh well!#honestly i (whits) personally dont really care about this but herberts emotions influence all of us#i just want to smoke man idgaf about birthday whatever#but for some reason i kind of do at the same time?? because of the host#system shit is weird
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soo many of u guys on this website are like. offputtingly angry and vicious and slavering at at the mouth to gloat at bad things happening to some nebulous incarnation of 'rich evil people'.
#like i just don't understand it..... i didn't get it when it was the boat thing i don't get it w the burning man thing...#i get the satisfaction of gloating at 'bad people who get whats coming to them!!!!!' but hows gloating over some undefined#vague type of Bad Person (because no one ever knows shit about the person who gets it until the bad thing happens)#making u actively happier or ur life actively nicer or better... u could be doing something constructive with#those emotions! instead of going HAHAHAHSHSHS KILL THE DISGUSTING RICH on a dead website...#anyway idk. my first thought with the burning man thing was 'oh man i know that's thr shitty techbro thing now but i bet#there's still just a lot of normal people without massive RVs who just enjoy coming there yearly... i hope they're ok!'#not EVERYONE WHO GOES THERE IS ONTOLOGICALLY EVIL AND OBVIOUSLY A SILICONE VALLEY SYNCOPHANT.#idk. obviously this isn't important im not a fucking cop. u can do whatever u want im not saying whatever is#Right or Wrong. it just is more important 2 me specifically 2 try and have my kneejerk reaction be compassion even#if its something that i personally think sucks. which maybe makes me a centerist to some people? who give a shit.#anyway. i used 2 be like this and then i realized that it wasn't making me happier or#my life any better and also anything that inconveniences someone who's truly obscenely wealthy will just hurt more normal people around the#than the person themself. hdktjfd#txt
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it's very sweet when wwx is like 'aw jin ling is just like his uncle' in postcanon fics but I have to laugh because in canon he's literally like 'ugh, jin ling is JUST like his uncle 🙄'
#jin ling being like jc is not something he's pleased about lmao he tries to address it immediately#come to think of it I can't think of wwx responding well to jc's personality since...that time jc went to the BM and tried to kill wn#or maybe the sneaky soup visit...#anyway the fact that wwx canonically thinks jc's personality sucks is quite funny to me#and people love to ignore this like 'oh he loves how much of an abrasive dick jc is!' actually he doesn't?#he's sick of how awful jc acts and he makes that very clear multiple occasions#maybe he did at one point like it when jc was actually harmless and on his side#but he'd tried to kill him or torture him or kill people wwx loves too many times#so he's probably soured on that prickly and aggressive personality#esp since it overflows so easily into violence and cruelty and emotional attacks#and wwx had to walk on eggshells around him#ugh god their relationship was terrible#im fond of reconciliation too but the people who genuinely want wwx and jc to go back to how things were are insane#also wwx has a right to be angry at jc and not want to be around him damn#ficblogging
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#hmm its been an interesting week i suppose#very busy in a good way. but that is always how it starts. i make myself so busy and it feels good and then i wobble and fall out of my body#so im feeling wary. also bc ive been under sleeping more than ususal but im not really tired but im also not boiling out of my skin with#energy. i just feel ok. so thats good. but also a demon in the back of my head is always like: then stay up all night. lets see how far we#can push this. which is not good. and in fact ive been proscribed like basically emergency mood stablizers to knock me out if i start like#losing my mind and not sleeping lol. bc i dont wanna b getting ready for something big and like completely unavailable to control my#ability to think. and ive also been proscribed birth control to get a handke on my fucked up hormones. so we'll see if that makes things#less all over the place. hopefully it works bc im so busy i kinda dont have time to like freak thr fuck out#but i am a lil apprehensive bc like i can count on my hormones to make me feel things when a lot of the time i dont have much emotional#range. so its like fuck finally i can cry abt this. or like fuck this is so beautiful. but then i also cant function sometimes#so i guess i just gotta see what happens. sigh. also the typical frustrating in having to read so much. like ppl hear im dyslexic and r like#oh do u want accommodation? like literally wtf r u gonna do to help me as a grad student? it just takes an agonizing amount of time to#understand thing. i have my computer read to me and i suffer. theres literally nothing else to b done abt it. and fucking next week i have#to teach a fucking lab abt reading scientific papers. they have to read a paper in class. fuck off. those r the types of exercises that make#me feel so fucking stupid. like do this thing right now. read it right here and answer questions abt it. and i fucking read it and retain#fucking nothing. im fucking 26 and literally in my grant writing class i have to apologize to every person before i give them feedback like#lol sorry i can barely fucking read. i fucking cant understand language. its fine but it sucks. theres nothing to do abt it. it just makes#me mad i have to teach a class that would have made me cry as an undergrad. so ill prob hold their hands thru it more than the other TAs#will. bc fuck u im not making them read a whole fucking paper in class. fuck u#plus the frustration of not being able to express myself well in thr moments. like theres a delay in my brain so i feel so dumb when im#trying to convey myself off the top of my head. like give me time and ill write it all out for u i just cant actually process wtf ur saying#to me. also i probably spaced out for a sec so i missed part of the convo lol. frustrating but at this point its just how it is. it makes me#more empathetic when i have to teach i guess. like listen ive got all kinds of fucking learning probs i just wanna help u learn something#how can i help? fucking dyslexia. god. i dont wanna prep for class this weekend. ive gotta show up like yea i kno reading papers is hard at#first but it gets easier! fuck u. its worth the suffering if i enjoy to topic but its always suffering. but thats what i get for going into#academia. thr dr who proscribed me stuff was like well sounds like u have a stress trigger and ur a phd student where life is stress... u#gotta figure out whats gonna work for u. sometimes thats a career change. not in like a pushy way just like: if what u do makes u suffer#then wtf r u doing? and hes got a point. but in contrast to what i was doing this is a massive improvement#well see if its manageable. ugh. i just wanna draw#unrelated
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#VENT IN TAGS#OH i love doing this#my feelings about my depression atm feel so weeird#im just mad#like its so annoying to have to keep picking myself back up lol#i wish i could just function and regulate myself better? im really bad at it#its like#i can do all this shit that helps me get out of all of the different this affect me#but its so easy for me to get lost in the depression and to not do that#like i forget that when im like literally just confused with my emotions and in a fog and i dont want to do things im interested in#and not able to fight this boredom i call it ive been out of therapy a long time idk therapy speak anymore but this lack of socal wtv#thing idk ANYWAYS but i KNOW things i can do to help myself to get out of that#i havent been lately and idk#im in a moment of clarity but trying to get back into#a routine since moving out i havent had one or the one ive had is like not good for me leading me to a bad state of self#i need to get back on vitamins and shit i might take gaba and htp 5 again and i know im deficient in like vitamin#b12 and vitamin d and magnesium but since i moved i havent reupped my supply lmao and its been over a year!! RIP i did this but#i dont have a great social life? i have strong family and a loving bf and close friend but a lot of its complicated and i struggle#communicating online (LOL THIS SUCKS NO? I CAN WORK ON IT IG BUT LIKEAAAA--) and i basically only wanna talk to people IRL but im home#constantly so i just have no one to talk to but im like a fucking old person annoyed that they live in a digital world#like I HATE THIS GRR THESE KIDS and the these kids are my parents and friends and shit like its completely a me issue but my brain is like#my brain feels useless s#my brain feels useless and like im unmedicated but also not on the suppliments i should be on and also doing things like#being up to date on news and specifically negative news and like focusing a lot of my energy on that for some gd reason like im aware ive#been into that but i am like#this is me being like ok rose im ready to go back to myself again#ye
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really awesome day to think everythings going alright and then you wake up and get hit in the face twice in a row
#vent#why am i suddenly the worst person to exist to everyone again for having bpd and complex emotions. 2023s coming back in a new way#like oh wow Have you ever thoguht of how Aria Feels. Have you ever thought to fucking talk to me about this . god.#this specific group of people keeps making me miserable and then complains about me being miserable about it. like yea. bc that makes sense#maybe i shouldve left all of you huh. maybe i shouldve done that. i need to be the one with agency over my emotions for fucking once.#everyone walks all over me and expects it to do nothing. keeping my fears in check and keeping my confirmation biases very much there.#lua if you see this that was entirely fucking unwarranted. im not some fucking evil person. i just have BPD. we tried.#i dont like venting to you for every single little thing either and it makes me miserable too! it wouldve been nice if you said that first.#all of it made me miserable but thats all we ever fucking talked about.#i really fucking tried just to get kicked down and spit at again for something so stupid and then the remaining 3 also left again.#what am i supposed to do. what do you want me to do.#i genuinely tried. i always wanted to try but just got left with questions and unexplainable emotions. and now everythings like this again#no explanations. nothing to give me any benefit of the doubt. just no youre evil and awful for this thing that we all also do but#were all going to blame YOU for not being honest about your emotions. and then i start being very open about my emotions#and people hate that too. literally what do you fucking want from me anymore. have i been anything other than a strawman to any of you#just an ideal to chase . just whatever you want to form me into ?#i am not a saint and never claim to be or claim to be the best or even most reasonable opinion. but you should all maybe evaluate that your#extraordinarily comically bad at anything regarding this. better at communicating my fucking ass.#i dont want to be at either of you twos fucking whims anymore. i dont even want to be at my own.#leave me the hell alone. observe me at a distance. just dont fucking talk to me until you have something better to say.#i did not need that. it is unfair to me. not now. not any time. not near my birthday not near new years. i did not need this suddenly today#because people dont communicate anything to me. and then expect me to be fine to be slapped in the face with it like its expected.#you people fucking suck.#i feel abused by fucking everyone. i am not a real person to any of you and never will be. nobody cared about my personhood#and you know what. im fine with that. because neither of you are here anymore.#literally i am mentally not built for people who made me miserable then blaming me for my misery . or the most stupid friendgroup drama of#the century i am built for playing touys and having fun Fuck u all forever get out of my life FOREVER !#itll probably come back again and then ill be mentally susceptible to this bullshit again but for now literally just . fuck off.#i dont want to be in your ouroboros ( lol ) of endless misery feedback loop bullshit anymore#like woww i have problems but Wow. Its almost like you two made it worse? Idk! Just a thought.
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you think your life is hard?my comfort game is spirit of justice
#sigh#and the hard part isnt even anything about soj its that ppl in the aa fandom love being mean for no reason#Ok well no the REAL hard part is i have bad emotional regulation.#and so i take someone disliking one of the things ive obsessed for over 5 yrs as like a personal mark against me#but its like girl i know its bad but u dont have to be mean about it ...#go play aa4 for the 4038749385830th time ok?#its why on twitter i have like every word related to the aj trilogy + aa as a whole muted lol#like the only way i can have peace is if i just never hear ppl talk.#but tumblrs blacklist sucksssss#Idk im just sad. im so sad. its been in thw background of my mind for like a day now#Like oh you think soj sucks...? should we invite that one guy who spammed soj fics#saying they werent the intended vision of shu takumi so the author should delete their fic...? should we invite them#SIGH!!!!!
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#ive also been experiencing jealousy part 2#the good thing abt part 2 is i recognize the patterns#the bad thing is like the emotions LOL#jealousy part 1 ended but only bc i think my emotions like transferred to another person which sucks#its just alwyas whoever she spends the most amt of time with that isnt me#and like whoever my brain percevies she talks more to#or is talking to all the time#which with jealousy part 2 is kinda not completley false theyre like always stuck to each other#but i have to keep reminding myself they were always like this like even when i joined to some degree#the only thing thats maybe changed in the past couple of months is my perception of their relationship#and esp now that jealousy part 1 is over and i can see that relationship dynamic not tinged w romance its also like mroe of an idnicatory#that all of this is just perspective#but perspective is powerful and makes me feel like im third wheeling their relationship dynamic#yeah bc they see each other so much i was like duh its obvious theyre close i think that is also what kind of#lent to the disappointment of sharing a living space w her nad having nOTHIGN change like#it was a sign to me of oh nothing will really change how she feels#which is OKAY !! ITS OKAY!#im like so happy and thanful to have someone like her in my life as a friend#i just need to emtoinally believe that sighhhhhhhh#cuz shes gonna start dating eventually right i wonder if it'll be less painful when i KNOW shes into someone romantically#rather than now when im just making up the ppl shes into without any real evidence just hypothetical readings of her behavior
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