#thinking about all the people who have harmed me and how i Still feel so much love for all of them

[godhandler]

seeing you doomscroll at 2am

nanami would be slightly worried, telling you to think of your health and maintain proper sleep schedules (he is a big fat hypocrite because why is he up at 2am doing paperwork). "if you have time to watch asmr cooking videos you better use it productively, honey." he won't actually nag tho because nanami of all people gets that adult life is hard, if these silly videos make you feel a little happy who is he to deny you that? would offer to work in bed so that he can be near you while also making sure that you do sleep.

gojo is probably working hard mid-mission or creating lesson plans lol. at this point in life he doesn't actually know what time people are supposed to sleep. "ooh, im jealous~ send me any fun reels if you find them, 'kay?" if he has no mission (once in a millenia), he's doomscrolling alongside you, pushing his phone in your face now and then to show you smn like 'cat falls from 10th floor, lands on feet!' or a insta post of a woman in a bikini - 'see that would look good on you. or me. we're good looking <3'

shoko wouldn't know. she's dead to the world the second her exhausted and overworked head hits the pillow. she'd put the pieces together when you're still sleeping the next day till noon with your glasses on and phone in hand. wouldn't care that much tbh. chill girlfriends fr.

toji sees you scrolling in the dark when he wakes up at night to pee, will poke his head in to see judge your the kinda shit you waste time on. "the hell are those white boys putting cat ears on for?" or "how many times are ya gonna watch jay park shake ass?" or "tumblr. loser." toji probably pees at 2-3 times per night. idk why. i just know.

kamo doesn't doomscroll. he just doesn't. thinks it's a nasty childish habit, like vaping or interacting with tiktok in any form. pre getting kicked out the clan, i think it would genuinely lower his opinion of you a bit. it's like, he doesn't want himself or his significant other to be that kind of person who doomscrolls till late and sleeps thru work/classes next morning like a slob. post, he wouldn't like it but he can shrug it off. as long as you still wake up on time next morning.

sukuna "this is so stupid. your recommendations suck. you should watch more educational informative videos, news and shit, learn a language instead of wasting your time like this. egirls are ugly."- all while watching your phone with his head over your shoulder. he has opinions on every reel you watch and will make himself heard.

higuruma "what's doomscroll?" this man is pushing 40 and is an introvert. his knowledge of social media is liking his friends' throwback pics on facebook. he'd be interested if you're shopping online, "love, can you order my woollen socks too? please make sure they cover the ankle and isn't more than 30% polyester. thanks, love." but otherwise he's a big 'phones at night harm your brain' kinda guy.

nobara, yuji, megumi all three forward each other reels on a LINE group chat named smn stupid that yuji and nobara agreed upon after much debate, like 'three musketeers (in english to be fancy)' or 'nobara and the dwarves' or 'diaper gang 😛'. yuji sends stuff he thinks others would like (baby duck vids). nobara sends stuff she likes (xiaohongshu fashion inspo). megumi doesn't reply or send much of anything, will leave the group if the other send too much brainrot content but they keep adding him back in. megumi watches mostly reels talking about recent discoveries in outer space and those carpentry videos where the wood just perfectly slides into place and locks together.

choso is a complete phone addict. see he initially didn't understand a lot of human society stuff so he just googled everything he didn't get cuz he's a proud man who doesn't want to bother people with his questions and ended developing a social media addiction lol. types super fast. knows every trending trend on every sm even though he doesn't post anything. he's doomscrolling harder than you.

[aclockworkreader]

i would love to hear your opinion on the “kallmekris” booktok discourse that’s going on rn (if you’ve seen it). i feel like there needs to be a conversation about how a lot of the books that are recommended on tiktok in the “spicy” book genre simply just romanticize abuse (a point brought up in the kallmekris YouTube video). it’s driving me crazy how many takes i’ve seen along the lines of “just let women enjoy things” or “they’re just books, it’s fiction”. which just feels lazy. i think people are refusing to think critically about this topic because they enjoy the books. but you can enjoy something while also acknowledging that it can be harmful. idk i would love to hear your thoughts!

i’ve mostly seen the discourse about the discourse loll. i think i’m a bit removed from most of booktok on my fyp. and i haven’t watched the original video, so i can’t speak on the contents of it or say whether i agree or disagree with her.

but this is a topic i’ve thought about a lot and i’ve even considered making a video on it, so i will say this:

i think we’ve seen, in the last few years especially, a significant rise in people refusing think critically about any content they consume. they always use the “it’s not that deep” or “let people enjoy things” excuse whenever someone has a valid criticism, or even just points out something factual about the content they enjoy. i’ve said this before and i’ll repeat it ad infinitum, but that’s anti intellectualism at work and it’s deeply dangerous. as you said, you can and should be able to enjoy something while understanding that it can also have problems. and i invite the people who really believe that it’s “not that deep” to stay and for a few minutes consider that maybe it is that deep.

i’m not sure if the original creator was talking about all “spicy” books or a particular genre of spicy books (like dark romance, sports romance, erotica in general, etc). but i definitely do think that some of the most popular booktok books do romanticize abuse. i’ve read enough colleen hoover to know that that’s true, and i’m sure her books are tame compared to some of the dark romance novels.

my controversial take (that i honestly don’t think is that controversial, i just don’t hear many people say it out loud) is that most of the people who are deeply obsessed with those booktok books have a ton of internalized misogyny to unpack—which is why they either can’t see or refuse to see the problematic elements within that content, because then they’d have to examine it within themselves. those books uphold and perpetuate deeply hegemonic ideas about gender and sexuality (particularly in cis, straight relationships) and many of their readers hold those same beliefs.

the way i feel about this is similar to how i feel about women and our relationship to wearing make up/removing body hair/etc. we’ve been fed this lie that we wear make up for ourselves and shave because it makes us “feel good” (i blame terfs and choice feminism), but with few exceptions, that’s not true. we do it because we’re trying to fit a social norm that was created to uphold heteropatriarchy. we do it as gender performance. i still wear makeup! i still shave! but i know that’s why i do it and i’m honest with myself about it. and the same goes for these types of books. you don’t like stalker romances simply because you think they’re dark and sexy. you think they’re dark and sexy because patriarchy has ingrained in you that men disregarding consent and overstepping your boundaries again and again should be acceptable if he’s attractive enough. you can still read them, you can still enjoy them, just think critically.

there are obviously nuances and exceptions to all of this, and there are stories that explore themes of abuse without trivializing or romanticizing them (ie. a lot of horror and gothic romance), but that’s a whole other conversation.

honestly, i could talk about this for hours and i have so much more to say so this is a really condensed (lol i know) version of my thoughts, but i hope it gives you a good sense of how i feel.

[eliza-and-her-monsters]

the tortured poets department

Info Post

Moodboards

Part I

Prev Part < - > Next Part

Contains/TW: damn okay… where do i begin because this is a WRECK. on a serious note though this chapter contains graphic depictions of self harm and suicide attempts so please please PLEASE be careful whenever you read this. i tried to keep it as vague and non-gory as possible to make it more accessible but it may still be triggering for some people so read at your own risk! this happens in a flashback specifically and is clearly marked with spaces and labeled with the month it took place (april) so you can skip past this part if you’d like! this also isn’t meant to be disrespectful or to romanticize these topics in any way! all things in which i am writing from personal experience as well. if you or someone you know is struggling please don’t be afraid to reach out for help. you are loved 🖤 (also serious stuff aside- definitely a lot suggestive at the end teehee we’re getting there.)

WC: 5.1k

part VI

this is me trying

The ice rink almost felt eerie so empty at night, especially had it not been for the motion sensored lights flicking on every time we entered a new room. Vi didn’t hesitate to hop the counter the moment we made it to the rental booth, already missing the feeling of her arm around my shoulders as I anxiously rocked back and forth on the balls of my feet. “So, what’s your size?”

“That’s a very bold question to ask a lady, sir.” I teased, attempting to put myself at ease as I leaned against the counter. “Six… and don’t make fun of me either.”

“Damn, okay, I’ll see if we have any kid’s sizes.” She laughed immediately causing me to raise both of my middle fingers with a glare.

“I said not to make fun of me.”

“I gotta give you a little bit of shit, who would I be if I didn’t?” She said with a wink that made my heart flip in my chest as she hopped back over the counter. “Here… with extra ankle support… for your sensitive-”

“These could be a pretty sick weapon, don’t you think?” I let an almost maniacal grin stretch on my face as I lifted one of the skates from her hands.

“Wow, first date and you’re already threatening me? That’s hot. Where have you been all my life?” Vi snickered as I felt one of her hands sliding around my back as she pulled me into her side. Her subtle displays of dominance and exertion of control. I wasn’t the one in charge here. She would make me think I was occasionally, but it was never true.

“Geez, how the hell do you guys walk on these things?” I questioned the moment I had laced up the rental skates once we made it into the rink.

“Well… 10 years playing hockey certainly does help.” She chuckled a bit before holding her hands out for me to take. “C’mon, I’ve got you. I won’t let you fall.”

“You better not.” I tried to tease, though my legs still tightened and shook the moment I rose up onto the tough blades. I encircled my hand around her bicep, cursing the moment she pulled me onto the ice. It nearly caused my arm to fly around her back until it was gripping her shoulder, nails sinking into the leather of her jacket. “Vi-”

“Hey, I said I’ve got you. Just breathe.” She looked amused, yet her smile remained soft all the same. Her hands drifted from my elbows to cautiously slide around my waist, a small shiver spreading over me the moment she pulled me in, the top of my head just barely grazing underneath my chin. “Just act like we’re ballroom dancing or something… I’ll hold you up.”

I let her pull me deeper onto the ice, my hands curling around her shoulders while I seemed to feel every muscle in her toned back while I kept my face tucked into her chest. “Were you this freaked the first time you went ice skating or-”

“No, it’s not like Ellie would’ve let me fall either.” I scoffed though instantly regretting the choice of words as I momentarily cringed. You have to stop talking about Ellie while you’re on a date, Amelia. “I just mean I was, you know, a-a little bit cocky the first time we went skating. Reckless, I guess you could say.”

“Wow, you actually taking a risk? I’m kind of surprised.” She lightly teased, just in time to reach for my hand to send me twirling like we really were at a ballroom dance.

“Vi!” I exclaimed, wobbling a bit on the blades before stumbling back into her arms.

“You didn’t fall.” She said with a cheeky smile, almost drawing a tiny laugh from my own lips before I let my shaking hands curl around her shoulders again. “So, what were you saying? You were reckless? Let me guess actually… you didn’t want any help so you wouldn’t let her hold you up. Because that I can believe.”

“Maybe you’re at least a little bit right.” My cheeks flushed before I briefly let my eyes roll. “I don’t know, I guess I just spent so much of my life needing to be held up I just- I wanted to be able to do at least something on my own. Even if it was just ice skating. But I got ahead of myself, I was tense and couldn’t balance to save my life so- I fell. Curled my ankle while I did it and I didn’t end up trying it again. I’d occasionally catch Ellie on the ice though because she stayed at our place before the school year started after we both got out of the hospital so… s-sorry I’m probably over explaining things.” I apologized with even deeper heated cheeks.

Vi’s gentle smile never departed as she simply shook her head. “Don’t apologize… I think it’s cute. I wanna learn more about you anyways so- tell me everything.” Her arms seemed to pull me in closer if that was even possible, muscular but soft at the same time. My chin brushing against her chest as I peered upwards at her. “It’s not like Caitlyn’ll tell me anything anyways so-”

“You’re asking my sister for information about me? Are you sure you’re not a creep?” I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Oh I’m definitely a creep.” She spoke shamelessly causing me to let out another giggle before resting my head against her toned chest, our bodies absentmindedly trailing around the rink in whatever direction she wanted to pull us. She could’ve pulled me straight into the ground if she wanted to… and I would’ve let her.

“I don’t know, there’s not a lot of positive stuff to talk about, I guess.” My cheeks heated hidden in her jacket as if in mild shame.

“You know, I did say I wanted to see all of the dark parts too.” She muttered, just in time to feel her hand threading through my hair as she held my head to her chest. “I’m not afraid, Mills, of any of it.”

I let out a soft sigh as I let my eyes flutter shut for a moment, I didn’t even know if there was a method to whatever direction we were going in. A pattern of some sort. All I knew was how easily her touch was managing to loosen me up, hands slipping low to slip around my hips though she still held me so close… and so innocently at the same time too. “Caitlyn… she- she means well. She’s just- I-I’ve put her through a lot.” I spoke after a moment of hesitation, catching my bottom lip in between my teeth.

“She made it her goal to learn everything she could about autism and adhd and whatever other diagnoses I had run into. For a second I almost thought she was gonna major in psychology instead.” I added with a weak smile, gluing my eyes to the ice below. “In doing all of that though I guess she started to think that everything else was a threat… and maybe she wasn’t entirely wrong, I-I don’t know. It certainly seemed that way after a while so… over the course of winter and spring things escalated. I-I was in a really bad place. I was drowning in rejection letters and my parents don’t really do rejection so there was that. More or less I felt like I was just, a ticking time bomb. Caitlyn took the brunt of all of my bullshit though, like she usually did or- does. And then in April I tried to- to-” the words halted in my throat, shaking, too scared to actually continue on for fear of what someone like Vi would actually think. How could you say something like that anyways? Something so drastic and so permanent without even a second thought.

“It’s okay… you don’t have to say it if it’s too difficult.” Vi only whispered as she let a gentle hand slip around the side of my face. Another thing that just felt like she was holding me to her, and possibly the only thing that made it possible for me to stand on my two feet.

“Looking back on it now… I know I didn’t want to die. I just didn’t feel like this planet was meant for me so it would be better if I just… didn’t stay.”

~

April

“Millie! Millie, it’s me- please please answer the door!” I swore it was one of the first times I had ever heard Caitlyn cry as she slammed against the locked bathroom door causing me to flinch as I drew myself towards the opposite wall. She had gotten there in a flash, but not fast enough to completely prevent any damage.

“Caitlyn don’t- don’t come in here- I don’t want you to see this.” I whimpered as I held a hand to my mouth. Deep down I was terrified. Horrified as I starred down at the mistake that I couldn’t undo. Selfishly, I wanted her here. I wanted her in here to hold me until it all went away. If she was she would try to stop me though, up until the bitter end she’d fight for my life even if I didn’t want it anymore.

“Fuck that.” I heard her curse from the other side through a sob as she slammed her shoulder against the door once more. “You’re not leaving, you aren’t fucking leaving me!”

“Y-You’re better off… you’ll realize it eventually, I promise!” It was getting harder to argue, to even keep my eyes open as I slumped against the bathroom cabinets. “Caitlyn please…”

I was in no condition to fight her off, to get her to push back. The door even started to buckle as she sent another strong kick towards it causing me to flinch once more. I should’ve known with all of her training if anyone could’ve gotten the door to break it would’ve been her. “You’re not leaving me, you’re not- fuck that.”

The door splintered at the last kick, my resolve starting to fade as the world was beginning to sound like it was underwater. Fuck, I really didn’t want to die. I really wanted to stay… selfishly and hopelessly. I wanted to get published. I wanted to meet new people. I wanted to have new experiences I was always too afraid to beforehand. Fuck, I wanted to live. I wanted to live so selfishly.

“I’m scared.” I choked the words out, trying not to look at the mess. The disaster that I had created. The embarrassment. The shame. Fuck, what have I done? What did I do? Could I even take any of it back once it was all said and done? Or was this all there was?

The door busted open with a loud crack as she tore inside, my eyelids briefly fluttering open as the first thing she went for was the first aid kit buried underneath the sink. “I know, I know, lovey… but we called the ambulance and they’re on their way you just- y-you just have to hold on a little longer for me, okay?”

“I’m sorry.” I choked out through a sob as she took my shaking body into her arms once she pulled out the first aid kit, nearly taking the entire sink out with her. “Please don’t leave, please… Caity, I’m scared.”

“I’m right here. I’m right here, darling. I’m not going anywhere. This might hurt, just take some deep breaths, okay?” She was the only thing propping me up, the back of my head lolling against her chest while she pressed the gauze to the wound. It didn’t even hurt as much as I thought it would… I just felt tired. All I wanted was to sleep.

My parents were angry in the aftermath, so Caitlyn took on the concerned parent role. The first person I saw whenever I opened my eyes in the hospital next as she brushed the excess hair out of my face. Her eyes were red and bloodshot, like she hadn’t stopped crying for a long while. And I committed that face to memory. My sister was the strongest person I knew, and yet I had managed to break her.

~

“Now since this is a long term care facility, we do come fully equipped with a courtyard, several hiking trails as well since we do believe sunshine and activity to be the best medicine.” The nurse drawled on as she lead the two of us through the long hallways. I clutched a cardboard box to my chest with all of my approved ‘personal belongings’ besides clothes and so on. Mainly just stacks of various books and diaries and such that I hoped they wouldn’t go as far to read through.

The bed closest to the door was already occupied, the green eyes of the girl widening before she sat up and quickly shoved the comic she was in the middle of underneath her pillow. “Oh, and this is Ellie! She’s one of our newer patients as well… she’s been hoping for a roommate actually.”

“Yeah, it gets pretty lonely in here without one.” She said with a tiny smile before pushing herself up to her feet and extending an eager hand to shake before awkwardly flushing at my occupied arms. “Ummm… I-I can help you carry your stuff in if you’d like!”

“I’ve got it, but thanks.” I spoke softly before shuffling over towards what I assumed was my side of the room.

Caitlyn thankfully responded quickly with an enthusiastic handshake of her own before Ellie could retract her own. “Hi! I’m Caitlyn, Amelia’s sister. It’s nice to meet you. I’ll probably be visiting a lot so you might see a lot of me too.”

“That’s great actually, we uhhh, we don’t always get a ton of visitors here.” Ellie added as she nervously wrapped her arms around herself before she noticed Caitlyn’s general confused expression and her eyes went wide once more, “Woah, Ellie, that was some serious projection there. Sorry about that… umm, I-I’ll give you guys some privacy to settle in and- yeah. I-It was good to meet you, Caitlyn.”

“Take care of yourself, Ellie.” Caitlyn added, watching her nervous figure slip from the room. “Well, she seems nice. I think you guys’ll get along.”

“Maybe.” I whispered, eyes still glued to the floor as if I was waiting for it to swallow me up. And I wouldn’t have minded if it did.

“Listen, I know this is gonna be new and- probably difficult but… I really do think this might be the best place for you right now. A long reset before college isn’t a bad idea and you might even meet some new friends also starting at Oxford too. I- I really think this could help you. I do.” She slipped her hands into mine, almost seeming like she was trying to convince herself more than anything.

“I hate it though… not being around you. I mean, I know that it was my own fault and I traumatized you and-” The tears were finally starting to come now that we were alone. Big fat shame-filled ones that she quickly caught before shaking her head and pulling me in.

“Hey, hey… this isn’t a punishment, okay? You’re not being punished. I promise, this is just some extra help and- an added precaution to keep you safe.” A shuddering sob spilled from my lips the moment I buried my face into her chest, keeping it hidden tucked away in her shirt for fear the second they saw me it only solidified the fact that I belonged here. “I know, I know it’s scary, love. Just hold on just a little bit longer for me, okay? You might even write the next greatest tragedy while you’re in here.”

I let out a weak tearful chuckle against her arm before shrugging, “Maybe, it’d definitely be fitting.” I sniffled, letting the tears soak into the fabric of her shirt. But she didn’t dare let go of me. “Caity, I- I really am sorry, for what happened. I- I really wanted to keep you from ever seeing it get that bad.”

Her quiet shush only felt like it was bringing out another wave of sobs. Meanwhile she just simply continued to rub soothing circles on my back and rock us back and forth on her feet just like she would whenever I was having meltdowns whenever we were kids. “Listen, I’m your big sister, okay? It’s my job to protect you. Not the other way around.”

“I thought we were supposed to protect each other.” I spoke, every last sob made me hate myself more and more by the second though. Every sob solidifying just how incapable I truthfully was.

“You can’t do that if you aren’t here.” Caitlyn sighed, finally prying the two of us apart before taking my face in her hands. “Can you?”

It was the first thing anyone had said about the situation that had made sense. For a while I was certain she was the only reason I hung on until I finally got close to Ellie. Even though it was sometimes hard to see where the improvement lie in the aftermath. And as much as Caitlyn would never say it, I knew it relieved a lot of weight off of her shoulders… me being in that hospital over the summer.

“I’ll be back Wednesday with all of the summer gossip, I promise. Also if you finish any of those books let me know and I can bring you more.” Caitlyn reassured me for the millionth time as she let me trail behind her towards the exit, a soft hand holding mine the whole time while I clutched onto her arm for dear life.

“Do you think you could bring me something like, dark academia maybe? That way I can get prepared for Oxford?” I wondered, gnawing on my bottom lip as each step seemed to make my heart ache more and more by the moment.

“I’ll see what I can do.” Caitlyn said with a tiny chuckle before placing a soft kiss to my forehead. “Call me the second you can tomorrow, okay? So I can hear about your first day?”

“Sure, promise.” I answered with a little nod of my own. It was almost embarrassing, being so reminiscent of a parent dropping their kid off at school for the first time. Caitlyn had taken on almost every role that my parents should have throughout the past few years. Yet another thing that only made me feel guilty.

“Okay, I love you, pipsqueak. More than anything.”

“I love you too, Caity.”

I tried not to hug her again before she left, an action that I could tell stung but in reality I just wasn’t sure if I would be able to pry myself off of her again. My face was red and blotchy by the time I made it back towards the room, eyes bloodshot, glassy, and tears that showed no plans of stopping just yet.

Ellie was already back on her bed once I made it back, knees hugged to her chest with a look on her face that I could only describe as puppy dog eyes. “Hey- are… are you okay?” She stammered, swiveling towards me as she dropped her legs to swing off the side of the bed before letting a soft sigh with a shake of her head. “Never mind, don’t answer that- I- I know you aren’t okay.”

“I’ll be fine.” My voice sounded hoarse from all of the crying as I took a seat on the edge of my own bed. Surprisingly not feeling like a lump of concrete as I wrapped my arms around myself, preemptively curling myself into a ball as if to prepare myself for where I’d probably spend the first week.

“For what it’s worth, which I know isn’t much because we just met but still…” Ellie began with a clear of her throat as she seemed to anxiously wring her hands in her lap. “If you ever wanna talk or- or anything really… I’m here.”

At the time I had no intentions of accepting her offer, nevertheless though I let myself nod before closing my eyes. “Thanks.”

~

Figures it would’ve been a nightmare that brought us together, I just never expected the codependency to kick in as quickly as it did.

I was still sleeping a lot during the day, not sure if it was a symptom of the depression, the infinite amounts of pills I was on or what. Every day we met with therapists, social workers, doctors, case workers, you name it. Not to mention there was also the group therapy sessions that weren’t mandatory. None of which I had managed to go to which probably wasn’t helping my case any. Ellie had seemed to be here long enough to make a decent amount of friends though. She was anxious, but infinitely more social. So if I needed to be social to spend more time with her I would.

So that afternoon I tried to rouse myself from my bed and shuffled towards one of the large community rooms they usually held group art therapy in. Every inch of me felt like it was shaking as I stepped into the filled room right in the middle of the several different conversations it felt like. Way too many eyes swept over towards my probably supremely tense figure than I was comfortable with. Ellie’s stuck out the most though, sat at a long table with a bunch of other rowdy girls where she was bent over a sketchbook.

“Millie! Hey! You finally came!” She exclaimed with a bright smile on her face as she quickly darted upwards to pull over an extra chair. “We were actually just working on our DnD characters because we all wanted to start a campaign this summer. You should join actually!” She added enthusiastically causing a girl with cropped ginger hair to wrinkle her nose.

“I thought you said we were full.” She sneered in a scottish accent already causing an anxious lump to form in my throat.

“Yeah, just like your file of public disturbances, Maddie.” Ellie shot back immediately causing a few of the girls to erupt in laughter as Maddie’s face went red with embarrassment.

“Jesus Ellie, just because it’s true doesn’t mean you need to say it.” A girl with shoulder length hair spoke up across from Ellie, and if it wasn’t for Ellie’s typical little half bun on the back of her head they could’ve almost been twins.

“Oh no, Max, I think she definitely needed to say it.” Another girl with also short but strikingly blue hair snickered from next to Max as she sat forward as if tuning into a dramatic tv show.

“Have you even played DnD before?” Maddie added, eyes scanning me up and down in a way that had me bristling.

“Uhhh no but-” I was interrupted by her scoff, already picking at the walls of my fragile emotional state.

“Oh get fucked, Nolan, it’s not like she’s playing DM.” Ellie rolled her eyes before I felt the weight of a protective arm slipping around my shoulders.

“Steph, you’re DM… you decide.” Blue directed towards a bored looking girl sat at the end of the table, a red beanie shoved onto her head and the outline of a hummingbird tattoo inked onto the side of her chest.

“I mean, one extra player is hardly going to derail my storyline so… I say the more the merrier.” She spoke with a shrug causing a weak smile to stretch onto my lips.

“Good, glad to hear it.” Ellie spoke before shooting what seemed to be a cocky smile towards Maddie’s rolling eyes.

~

Present

I seemed to disassociate in the process of telling the story. At some point Vi caught onto my shivering though and didn’t hesitate to pull me off of the ice. The two of us now sat in the empty yet fancy lounge for the hockey team complete with plush blue couches and the famous coffee bar Ellie had raved about earlier. I had apologized profusely, constantly wondering if I should stop, if I was going in too deep, Vi only encouraged me though. Even slipping a steaming cup of hot chocolate into my cold hands and draping her leather jacket over my shoulders. More of a gentleman than some men.

“Do you still keep in contact with any of those girls? Besides Ellie, obviously.” I heard her ask from behind me where she lounged against the back of the plush chair, calloused fingers tucked underneath the jacket as she ran her hands up and down my spine.

“Yeah actually… or I, I try to at least. Ellie’s more social than I am but a lot of the patients at that hospital are students. Or about to be either one. We even talked about starting a DnD club ourselves since nobody else has bothered to. And it’d probably be overrun by incels.” I chuckled a bit to myself before lifting the cup of hot chocolate to take a sip just as a small chill rushed through me. “You should join whenever we do.”

“I don’t know if it’s really my thing but Jinx and Ekko might be into it. You should ask her. Actually… definitely ask her if Maddie’s involved because I’d pay real money to see them duke it out.” Vi snickered with the soft smile remaining on her lips as she sat forward, “C’mere, let me warm you up.” I almost flinched again whenever I felt her big arms slipping around me from behind, a little gasp lodging in my throat as I placed a shivering hand over top of her forearm causing her eyes to soften a bit. “You okay? Sorry… I-I should’ve asked first, it’s a habit.”

“No, it’s- it’s okay… I’m trying to get more used to it- with you.” I said with a little nod as I tried to sink back into her warm embrace. Slowly letting the muscles in my body loosen one at a time as I let the back of my head rest against her chest, lolling against her thick bicep. She was surprisingly soft, every inch of the cold feeling like it was melting right off of me. From behind me I felt her chest rising and falling with each soft breath, enough to pull me to sleep right then and there almost.

“Baby?” I heard her whisper from above me, gulping another lump down my throat as I felt her calloused fingers brushing underneath my chin and along the curve of my jaw. I tensed again for a moment, my hand wrapping around her forearm with my nails nearly sinking into her flesh in mild anxiety. Let her. Just let her touch you. It’s okay. Let her. “Shhh, I’m not gonna hurt you.” She spoke, probably feeling the shuddering breath I let out against where her arm stayed wrapped around my front. “Can I kiss you?” She whispered, a little flush spreading on my cheeks at the way she still asked.

My eyes widened almost eagerly as I nodded, body consumed with heat just as I felt her lips brushing against mine. Soft at first, arms almost feeling like they were consuming me entirely as they tightened around my body. My hand shook as I lifted it to rest against her head, tangling through her surprisingly soft hair as if I was pressing her further into me. I almost whined whenever her lips disconnected from mine, instead only drifting over to trail along my jaw as if in a pattern.

With every kiss my breathing grew more and more shallow, a small gasp catching on my lips as I felt her lips wrapping around the pulse point of my neck. I almost wanted to slap a hand over my mouth in embarrassment at the way a moan prodded at my lips, fingers curling into her hair as that same ache flared up in between my legs. “Vi-“ Her name seemed to fall from my lips with a whimper as her teeth lightly prodded at my skin.

“Does that feel good?” She whispered, and I seemed to feel my head shifting to give her more access as I nervously and probably awkwardly nodded. Another soft moan spilled from my lips the moment I felt the pinch of her canines against my neck.

Her hand curled into the excess fabric of my sweater, tugging at it as if she wanted to pull it right off. Slipping underneath, her callouses drug along my stomach, my sides, towards my hips, brushing over the bones like she wanted to trace them all the way down. “Vi… please.” The words came out through the airy moans as she continued to let her hand explore my body and her lips decorate my neck in repeated kisses. My head arching against her chest in need, almost leaving me tugging at her hair.

“You know I can’t fuck you in here, right, baby?” She whispered into my neck, giving my hip a subtle squeeze that also left me gasping.

“Then take me to where you can fuck me.” I almost didn’t recognize myself with the words that came out of my mouth as I shifted around to face her. Her hands still staying firmly on my waist meanwhile she only seemed to have a smug expression on her face as she settled back against the arm rest of the couch.

“You want me that bad, princess?” She spoke with a quirked up brow, a delicate finger tracing along the curve of my waist. My hands curled around her shoulders in frustration, certain she could almost feel my thighs tightening around her waist. I was probably a whiny mess as I nodded, the warmth of her hand nearly covering the width of my back.

“Please… Violet.” I knew saying her full name would tug at her. It was usually aggressive whenever other people said it, angry, a sign she had fucked up or pissed somebody off. Whenever I said it though it was needy, a plea almost. I slid my hand from her shoulder to press against her chest, almost like I was trying to grab at her heart. Sink my fingers through her ribs until I could feel it beating in my hands, and I swear I almost felt it quickening the moment I did.

“Fuck it.” I heard her whisper underneath her breath just before I could feel her pressing her forehead to mine. “Wanna go back to my place?”

A/N: okay SORRY SORRY i had to edge you guys 😭 i promise this next chapter we WILL be cranking it up a notch and there might even be some smau vibes as well so… stay tuned please?? </3

i’m so sorry for the emotional rollercoaster and if this isn’t the best as well because i definitely think it’s far from my best work but c’est la vie can’t win them all 😭 love u anyway lesbians!! 🖤

Taglist: @sawaagyapong @autisticgirlkisser @macamilarofe @nombreuxx @snowbunnyboo @lils-1979 @myrrus @baylegend6 @withyou-withoutthem @lil7-I @cloudy-fay @liliwritin @primarina-diamandis @soodle-noup @livil589 @riches-expresso @deepobservationcherryblossom @pixieolives-blog @roseannih @fernanda-2022 @clefairysoup @cherrybomb2298

click HERE to join! 🖤

[gothmogzilla]

tl/dr: You are correct: and I have proof. Story below about codependent drama-mongers that ended up long-term married below. So, I had two separate busybody assholes causing drama in their separate social circles. Both of them were NEET losers (not losers because of being NEETs--but I will hold being NEETs against them, because they caused me great grief.). They both had way too much time on their hands--again NEETs--one was harassing their ex (my friend), the other was harassing their bff (also my friend)'s amicable ex, and turning the amicable ex, into a non-amicable ex. I, knowing these assholes were codependant af, and sick and tired of weeping sessions from my friends (the ex being harassed, and the bff who was losing two precious friendships to the drama-mongering)--decided to put them together and tell them not to date. I staged it as "Oh, the other person is waaay lonely because xyz, and just really needs a friends, but I'm out of state." All of which was true and sincere--however, I left my contempt unsaid. Well, within two hours of hanging out, those two turds (happening to be of compatible sexual orientation) had kissed. (I'm not supposed to know this, but their 'friends' are more loyal to me than to them, and I feel like that says something about how they treat others.) I was told they were hanging out for a week before they kissed. Immediately engaged and married, and they have been married for over 15 years and have multiple children. They are both still posting angsty-ass shit, and their marital problems (which are always worked out after some public drama) continue to entertain me. I would like to note that the tWo wHoOOOOoLe weeks of one of them being gone were absolute facebook novels. I sometimes feel terrible for their children, and pray to the Adulting Gods regularly that reasonable adults will be there to guide them through life. Yet, I cannot say that I have regrets. They are both as happy as they can be--which they can never be happier unless they choose to let go of some shtuff. Also, no use ruining two good couples. And they provide enough drama in their two-person circle to prevent drama-mongering amongst polite society. P.S. I know how judgmental and non-sympathetic this reblog sounds, but BRO. If you had been where I was, on those late-night phone calls with the 7 friends and family members who were SUFFERING because of the actions of these two people, and my own suffering, talking to both of these individuals separately, who were refusing to be empathetic and change their behaviors, even when directly confronted--I think you'd be non-sympathetic as well. P.P.S. Codependency, like any mental health symptom, is not the problem. The problems with there behaviors are/were 1) not accepting others boundaries, 2) Refusing to work on yo'self. 3) Refusing to work on yourself WHEN YOU ARE ACTIVELY CAUSING HARM to others.

hate hate hate when people write previously fucked up codependent weird relationships as mellowing out completely after a year or two of being together, or, even worse, after the first kiss. like who do you think you are to make them normal. theyre going to be even worse because now there's two of then and theyre working in tandem

[charmac]

than copy-paste my ask w/out the stuff about his acting bc the rest of the stuff i said is still completly valid. i don't get why stans refuse to even admit that their fav is some times a bad person and call them out on their bullshit. you can still like him without ignoring or excusing his shitty behavoir

"not trying to start anything i really want to hear your and other ppls opinions. after seeing that redit video today abt the onset fight combined with other stuff glenn has said and done like the antivax stuff. im starting to really dislike glenn. he acts like a self obsessed tool all the time but so many stans baby him so much that they refuse to see or say anything about it [deleted] but maybe you or others have reasons to stan him pls share bc im clearly missing somthing. i dont want to not like him but hes making it very hard"

(the Reddit video being Rob talking about how Glenn freaked out during the filming of The Gang Saves the Day because he didn't feel comfortable getting "shot" in the scene with Dee killing all of them and threw a tantrum on set)

First of all, I don't think anyone refuses to admit Glenn is anything but perfect, and I also don't think anyone excuses his "shitty behaviour," but while you only may have just become aware of this moment, it was first brought to light in 2017, right before Glenn left the show "for good" and has kinda been hashed to death. If you're genuinely asking 'why is no one talking about Glenn's temper tantrums from 8+ years ago,' idk how to answer that question other than: why would we be? It's just not relevant

We know, from set stories and Glenn himself, that Glenn has gone through many ups and downs on the set of Sunny. He's spoken quite a bit about how his attitude has ruined the vibe and created a lot of tension in the writers room and on set before, and it's something he needed Rob to bring to his attention in Season 11 because he couldn't recognise it harmed other people (and that's what led him to realise he needed to walk away). I think it's not, like, a hidden or dismissed aspect of his personality that he's a diva, even today after righting his attitude and returning, he still tends to "method act" to a degree when he's playing Dennis and comes off a certain way

So yes, he's been "exposed" as a brat on set and a little entitled in general, and he's got some questionable views on health, for sure and I think that can make you dislike him and if that's so...that's fine. I don't think anyone in this fandom cares if you do or don't, honestly, but that works both ways.

People who post about Glenn in fond ways aren't going to disclose that they know he's entitled and centrist every time they post anything about him, but whenever something does happen/come out, people do criticise it in the moment. The Podcast brought a lot to light and it seemed like weekly we were scrutinizing something RCG said but, like, there's genuinely nothing Glenn has done in the past year that the fandom has chosen to ignore for the sake of excusing his shitty behaviour...? Are we supposed to rehash dead and buried RCG drama just because it was reposted to a different platform?

I get if you're just learning about him as a person now it can be weird to see most people who are actively talking about him seem to just be stanning him blindly, but that's really not true. The TASP days are just behind us, and Glenn's PR is very strong with his gay whiskey tour front and center (and you're asking me lol).

As to providing you with reasons for stanning him... just search "Glenn Howerton Interview" on Youtube.. or watch this one .. and if you don't get it, you probably just don't like him and that's fine, lol he'll probably get you eventually if you're around long enough

[everestgale]

I SLIDE U SMITTEN ACROSS THE FLOOR FOR THE CHARACTER ASK STUFF -OWL

SMITTEN OUR BELOVED...

[Send Me a Character and I'll List Ask Game]

favorite thing about them

Smitten is so full of love! And he is so open about his love! He loves the Princess no matter what she looks like, no matter what she does to you, how much hurt she inflicts on you. He will always love her! He is so passionate, so devoted to her, even to his own detriment-

Yes, my favorite thing about Smitten is how absolutely deranged and passionate he is. No, I am not sorry /lh

least favorite thing about them

This is less "least favorite thing about him" and more about disliking how some people misunderstand him as possessive and malicious in HEA. He is unhealthy and flawed, and he caused harm, absolutely, but he is not doing anything in HEA from the place of malice, and I will die on that hill <3

favorite line

"Oh, just you wait and see! My vengeance will echo the depths of my bereavement!"

brOTP

I really like the Grey Brothers (Skeptic + Smitten), I like the idea of them having a weird sibling-ish bond, but in a "distant sibling who you don't talk to much because you two are so different... but it's nice to chat and catch up sometimes, and you are still there for each other if you really need one another" kind of way.

OTP

Ironically, I don't actually ship Smitten all that much... who am I kidding, the answer is CheatedSmitten, and I really need to draw more of them when my wrist recovers, or I will EXPLODE-

(If you'd like a reason, a friend wrote a very nice description on how this ship would play out, and I've been rotating it in my head for a few weeks. Smitten, the kind of person to extend his heart wide open, but also to probably wonder if he will ever be enough after he disastrously failed with HEA... and Cheated, the guy who repeatedly failed over, and over, and over, and over, someone who would understand this feeling of not being enough- Okay, I gotta stop, otherwise it will take over this whole post)

nOTP

Definitely not a nOTP, it's just that out of popular Smitten ships, I have a very hard time imagining Smittunist (Smitten/Opportunist), and it's entirely because of how I designed and how I write both of them. In fact, I actually really like seeing how other people write and/or draw that ship!! So it's decisively a "me" and "my designs/interpretations" problem 💔

random headcanon

People-pleaser Smitten. You can see it throughout this entire post, I'm very deep in the "people-pleaser Smitten" headcanon mine, and I can't get out of it /lh

unpopular opinion

Once again, don't know how unpopular it is, but I think specifically in the Unknown Together ending, where Smitten knows that she left with the Long Quiet, while he would be sad for a while over the fact that the Princess is gone, he will eventually bounce back, accept the fact that she is happily with "the big guy" somewhere, wherever that might be, and then choose to extend his over-the-top loving self to other people (mainly, his fellow voices) <3

...this is specifically for the Unknown Together endings. If we're talking about A New and Unending Dawn... well, we get an entirely different Smitten.

song i associate with them

It's more of a mixed HEA + Smitten song, but there is no other song that I associate with Smitten more than this one, so "Predator" by The Crane Wives it is!

"What were you thinking? Shouldn't you know better? You took advantage of another anxious people pleaser"

I'm kind of obsessed with how these lines fit well as HEA singing about Smitten... but also as Smitten singing to the Long Quiet, or rather, you, the player, for choosing to stay in the cabin and create this "Happily Ever After" ending... only to be dissatisfied with it.

favorite picture of them

This is what happens when the character we're talking about is a disembodied voice who has no canon design. So! How about my favorite drawing of him, which is this illustration with the Damsel. Look at them! They are so happy :]

Ignore the fact that it's part of the illustration set and in the rest of the illustrations they are not so happy, that's not what the question was asking!

[sturniolostars]

𝓟𝓤𝓒𝓚𝓘𝓝𝓖 𝓐𝓡𝓞𝓤𝓝𝓓

∗ smut, mentions of death, abuse, eating disorders, self harm, overall mature themes

∗ Chris was used to everyone liking him. But Evelyn hates hockey players and Chris hates her and her stupid figure skating. However they have to share a rink for now and can’t help but feel a pull towards each other. How will this play out in the end?

Previous Chapter

“This is so fucking stupid!” I exclaim. Me and Hunter were walking out of the meeting room together. “It’s whatever” hunter scowls. “This just means you need to practice harder” I roll my eyes not in the mood for Hunter pointing out all the things I need to do.

I just walk along side him until I hear a “wait!” And turn around to see big-shot-hockey-captain Chris jogging to catch h up to me. I roll my eyes and tell Hunter to leave which of course he does. He could never care less to be around me or stay with me.

I see Chris look Hunter up and down gears turning in his head, but I couldn’t care to notice. “What” I snap at him. His attention turns back to me.

“Cut the attitude……” he trails off looking for a name. “Evelyn” I grumble. He nods. “I’m–“ I cut him off. “I know who you are hot shot” he rolls his eyes.

“Yea most people do– anyway me and my team are having a party do you wanna come?” He asks. I look at him with suspicion. “No” I say. He only frowns. “Come on we should get to know each other. We are sharing a rink for a while anyways”

“And why are we sharing” I ask. He turns nervous not answering. “Regardless. We got off on the wrong foot. Just come to the party okay?” I look him up and down debating it.

I really wanted to say no. I really really wanted too. But my attraction towards his muscular frame, long messy brown hair, ice blue eyes, and charming smile made it too difficult. “I’ll think about it” I sigh.

He smiles smugly. “I’ll see you there” he says and walks away. I fucking hate him. I think to myself.

-

I did end up going despite myself. More for the reason Hunter told me some information he heard about why we actually have to share a rink and I was fuming. So I guess a few drinks would help out.

Hunter himself couldn’t care less about going. All he cared about was that I stick to my diet plan. Of course I would. My mother would kill me if I gained anymore weight plus it’s too close to competition time.

I walk into the part already filled with sweaty drunk hockey player jocks. I roll my eyes beelining to the bar section where I make myself a cocktail basically chugging it so when I do find Chris I don’t murder him on the spot. I was wearing a simple shirt green dress and my long brown hair was up in a ponytail.

A drink later I feel a little better. That is until Chris spots me and starts walking over with that stupid smug smile on his face. My eyes fill with rage.

“Looks like you showed up” he said. Boy did I have a curveball for him. “Not for you though I have quite the news” I snarl. He cocks an eyebrow still smirking. “Do tell sweetheart” I smirk and lean over so I can whisper in his ear.

I know what your little hockey teammate did to make it so we have to share a rink

He freezes, smirk falling and going a little pale even. He looks back at me. “I– I can explain–“ but I’ve already started walking to leave this stupid part hosted by stupid Chris Sturniolo.

a/n: kind of a shitty place to end but oh well (tell me if you wanted to be added to the taglist!)

Tags: @kadesturnz @stargazer6969 @watercolorskyy @kikirasweatsweathoho @megamorgan44 @wurlibydominicfike @sturnslux3 @bernardsbendystraws @courta13

[mournwatch]

Hi again. Long post incoming and I apologize. It's just because I have a lot of thoughts about this, as a trans guy coming at this issue from another perspective. I'm not trying to fight but sort of... sing in reprisal if that makes sense lol. I think that this data could really use the context of how many AO3 authors writing sexual content about transmasc/trans man people are part of our community themselves. Knowing who is invested in writing this content is a crucial part of understanding what these statistics mean. (It's my hypothesis that the majority are trans, but this is not something I have checked.) And if it is majority trans people, I believe what we are seeing is not the sexualization of trans men by chasers or fetishists, but people exploring their own sexuality through a safe outlet in a community where they feel comfortable to do so.

I understand that the actual concern is that regardless of who is writing this content, there is a worry about harm being done by fic perpetuating trans men being burdened with feminizing/ fetishizing stereotypes. We did talk about this before and I remember. I think the perception of this harm is complicated considering that fandom spaces are by nature subcultural, and in mainstream (progressive/liberal) culture lives the inverse stereotype of trans men being held to standards of traditional masculinity. Between these two stereotypes, we are all just trying to find comfort and authenticity and somewhere to see ourselves reflected back.

I struggle to find any representation of gay trans men at all in most mainstream media content, and that is also sparse and tends to focus on adolescents anyway. Like Annie Marks' trans son Ben in the TV series Good Girls. I think the only nonhet romance with a transmasc character that I can think of in a widely viewed TV series was Jim and Oluwande in Our Flag Means Death. It's a vastly underrepresented category when you consider fiction as a whole (which does matter when talking about fandom since these source materials are the primary motivator for fan fiction to exist to begin with.) And that makes me also feel like there's plenty of space for people to fill that void with their own creations and experiences. Especially original content! Something I absolutely love to see.

With this in mind, this is just speculation based on my own experiences, but I don't think this stereotype would be so prevalent if it didn't resonate with people on a deeper level. There is an allure to being irrefutably trans in every way, but still a valued and active player in the fields of romance and sex. And to simultaneously break down the way people need men in society to be but still be seen and respected as a man/transmasc regardless of how many of these signifiers get eroded away. Because in fiction, you can do that, and having that escape is powerful. But yeah, it's worth asking these authors directly about their own thoughts on it. I personally completely understand the demand for this, because the kind of characters that I would make to represent myself and my sexuality almost never make it to TV, film, or games.

It truly is a stressful position to be in to hear about how the very thing that helped me be more comfortable with myself, my body, and my sexuality is the site of pain for other people in the community that I love. And I think a lot of others dont mean to be a source of anguish either. I'm speaking up partially even because I want to soothe some anxieties that might exist about the intentions of the people who write this sort of content who are similar to myself, and put a friendly face to it in a way. I don't know if any of this helped because I know big walls of text are intimidating, but I hope something here was meaningful. Thank you for looking into this data in the first place.

AO3 statistics for trans men

I looked at three main categories of ao3 stats: number of explicit fics, ratio of M/M to M/F fics, and different types of sex listed under "additional tags" (vaginal, oral, etc). There are definitely more things that could be looked at but these are what I focused on.

Explicit rating

At the time I collected these numbers (they've likely already changed, fic authors publish stuff fast) there were 14,221,609 total fics on ao3. Of those, 2,569,913 fics were rated "explicit," or 18.1% of fics. There were 91,487 fics tagged "trans male character," and of those, 43,845 were rated "explicit." That's 47.9% of fics tagged "trans male character."

Nearly half of all fics featuring trans men are explicit, compared to about a fifth of fics overall. This indicates that trans men are heavily sexualized in fandom spaces.

M/M vs M/F fics

For fics in general, there were about 2.0 times as many M/M fics as M/F fics (6,822,062 and 3,439,600, respectively). For fics tagged "trans male character," there were about 6.0 times as many M/M fics as M/F (68,507 and 11,359, respectively).

When filtering for fics rated "explicit," the difference in ratios is even more significant. Explicit fics in general had about 2.2 times as many M/M fics as M/F (1,616,555 and 743,455), while explicit fics tagged "trans male character" had 8.6 times as many M/M fics as M/F (38,490 and 4,489).

Fandoms in general tend to lean more towards M/M relationships than M/F relationships, but this discrepency is much stronger when it comes to trans men, and I'm not sure what the reason for that is. Trans men are more likely to be non-heterosexual than heterosexual, but not necessarily more likely to be attracted to men than women (a lot of trans men are bisexual, pansexual, queer, etc).

Trans male characters are more commonly shipped with men than women, to a greater extent than the overall fandom preference for M/M ships over M/F, and I'm not really sure why, but it's definitely interesting.

Additional tags

For explicit fics tagged as "trans male character," the most popular additional tag by far is "vaginal sex" at 13,685 fics (31.2% of explicit fics tagged "trans male character"). Since this tag doesn't necessarily refer to the trans male character (it could refer to a cis woman being vaginally penetrated by a trans male partner, for example), I filtered for fics tagged as M/M. That resulted in 12,504 fics tagged "vaginal sex," or 32.5% of explicit M/M fics tagged "trans male character."

Overall, for explicit fics tagged as "trans male character," the most common additional tags referring to different types of sex were:

Vaginal sex, at 13,685 fics

Vaginal fingering, at 9,908 fics

Oral sex, at 9,147 fics

Cunnilingus, at 7,712 fics

Anal sex, at 4,590 fics

There definitely are trans men out there who enjoy vaginal penetration/fingering or receiving cunnilingus, and many of the fics tagged as such might be reflective of that fairly common* experience for trans men. That being said, there is a really heavy emphasis on vaginas and vulvas in explicit fics about trans men, and I find that uncomfortable.**

*I think? Unsure how common it actually is

**BEFORE PEOPLE START MISINTERPRETING ME: I'm not saying I'm uncomfortable with trans men who enjoy using their vaginas/vulvas for sex, or the existence of that kind of fic. I'm saying that fandoms in general tend to focus on trans men having vaginas to an extent that I'm uncomfortable with.

[bibibbon]

Hi, another idea. Delaware made a post talking about how Mina was anti gadget on the sport festival (she faced Aoayama who was wearing one, note how he doesn't anymore after that... maybe he does and I'm mistake) it was an Answer for an ask.

But it was noted how she think less of Aoayama and how no one in UA seems to care for Aoayama as a student till the big reveal.

It makes me think if Izu had a gadget...people would.hate on him. Many fics love make BK ruining his gadgets and I can see it but Mina went straight to the gadget (one may say that was a clever move on her part but it felt as if she was bullying him) so...I think if Izu was to use gadget ...he would be even more an odder duck.

I say this bc in my TTau. I want to have Izumi to wear gadgets to prevent her bones to shatter and we see A1 being shitty friends, ofc. Karma is coming to them.

Izumi sees how UA has no care in teaching how to use quirks and many heroes are content in use the basic. Mirio learned how to control his quirk alone (nighteye gets no credit here as he didn't lift a finger) and wonders what's the point in being a hero? Why do we need a hero anyway?

Hi @mikeellee 👋

I don't think mina is anti-gadget or she isn't anti-gadget on purpose, that is.

What I mean by this is that mina aimed for yuuga's belt because she thought it was the easiest way to take him out. Now, this is only fair as it definitely was the quickest way to win that fight as the problem with yuuga is that he is DEPENDENT on that support item and therefore he can't do much without it.

You can argue that her aiming for his support device is unfair, but that argument falls flat when the whole premise festival is to do whatever to win as long as it's not outright killing your opponent. The argument then falls flat again when you put this in a real-life villain vs. hero type of situation where people will do whatever, however cruel or nasty it may be, to win.

The thing is, yuuga still does wear his support item, but it blends in well with his hero costume, which is the only time he actually uses his quirk. The support item sticks out like a sore thumb when yuuga is in his sports kit, so maybe that's why you got confused.

I don't ever remember seeing mina stating or thinking that yuuga is less than her or anyone else because of his use of a support item.

Also, I think the lack of focus or care for yuuga before the traitor arc was both intentional and somewhat of a writing issue. Horikoshi deeply neglected the traitor plot surrounding yuuga, and because of that, we don't get much of yuuga or foreshadowing to his character arc. I also like to think that yuuga probably had a strong internal conflict within him due to the role he had to play and how he could never be who he wants to be due to the connections he has with AFO. Due to feelings of guilt and not wanting to cause harm by staying ignorant, yuuga probably tried and failed to distance himself from class 1A.

The argument kinda ends up falling apart when you do realise that in Canon izuku does have a gadget. Remeber the support item that Melissa made for his arm, yep izuku has that and he constantly wears it with his hero outfit and we don't see much comments on that.

All mights point to izuku was to not rely on support items which he has a point when it comes to that but does end up coming off as harmful advice if you take into account how All Might is as a character.

Again, I think it depends on the type of gadget that izuki would use for people to exploit it. Something such as his arm bands are okay because he can function without them, and honestly, the arm bands aren't easy to reach at all, not without izuku punching or hitting someone.

The TTAU sounds like a great way to tackle some of the issues that the narrative has. I do think that you should introduce a nuanced conversation when it comes to support equipment. Leading izumi to such a conclusion is also interesting because heroes are supposed to help, and hero schools are supposed to help you improve and strengthen your quirk, but ua does it with almost no direct support given to the students.

[dykedvonte]

You ever just see a Mouthwashing take that makes you want to bang your head into a wall? I literally just saw someone claim Curly couldn't have been emotionally abused by Jimmy before the crash because he was in a higher position of power than Jimmy.

-Shrimp Anon

The mouthwashing fandom has shown me that people genuinely do believe that certain types of abuse are not as detrimental as other types especially when they deem those immune/resistant, ergo, believing one is objectively worse no matter how it affects the person nor the intersections of power, history and dynamics at play.

Get ready cause this is a yap session:

Cause like it's heavily implied that Curly and Jimmy's friendship was toxic and abusive, pointedly in the direction of how Jimmy uses Curly's belief/comfort in him. Curly wasn't forced to enable Jimmy but he was emotional and mentally on edge around him in almost every scene in some way. Mental and emotional abuse are not contingent on what positions you have at work. Yeah, he's Jimmy's boss but he was Jimmy's friend first and it's like getting into Psych discussion to talk about how social power tends to overshadow any perceived organizational power in the human mind. People are concerned about their jobs ofc but they tend to hang onto and put more value/investment into their personal relationships, hence why there tends to be laws and restrictions around mixing the two.

I always see the sentiments that "Curly is a grown ass man", "Curly is bigger than Jimmy", "Curly is Jimmy's boss", "He just needed a backbone" as criticisms of Curly and while I do agree that on the surface level all of these to be true and viable ways Curly could've taken more control of the situation, I often look at the parallels of Anya and Curly as victims of Jimmy pre/post crash.

The way Jimmy talks to Anya post crash is how he talked to Curly in the pre-crash segments. It's hard to pin-point mainly because we know he hates and wants nothing to do with Anya compared to his contrary but similarly handled obsessions with Curly. It's a weird sort of "honey-moon" effect of abuse Jimmy does in terms of emotional and mental victimization. He is always horrid to Anya, always talking down or questioning her abilities and thoughts in a situation, this of course includes the harassment and assault. However, he has a moment of attempted gentleness/conditioning when he question her about the mouthwash when she's contemplating drinking it at the table. The key difference is he has no personal investment in Jimmy outside wanting nothing to do with him, meaning there is no sort of romanticized version of him that he can condition her off of. He knows this, hence, why he always reverts to trying to make her to scared to oppose him.

This sort of give and take of "kindness" doesn't work on her because she knows he is just doing it to take more from her than whatever he could possibly give but it reflects even the "softer" scenes between him and Curly where he always rewords or rephrases Curly's sentiments and concerns to sound more shallow. He is feigning a deeper understanding by reworking Curly's emotions into something bad and needing to be hidden. Everything is laced with envy and resentment, an outburst just around the corner, I mean he even slams the table in the birthday party scene, a tactic in emotional manipulation to set the victim on edge and cloud their ability to respond. Even if Curly knows Jimmy won't get physical in that moment, the physical actions is intended to make him back down in the confrontation in case it does. This is something that is just not person specific. It ingrains itself into how you interact with the world and life and it shows in major and minor ways with Curly.

Post-crash, the abusive nature is more in tandem to the physical victimization Anya went through and the stripping of voice and autonomy we see take place. Like the parasite in HFIM, Jimmy speaks for Curly most of the time and puts words in his mouth, similarly to how he takes Anya's plans as his own. He very commonly, with the both of them mind you, supplements the worst aspects of himself into them; pettiness, selfishness, lack of understanding... And tries to cover himself with their best qualities; kindness, planning, initiative, etc...

These parallel are just to say that positional power has little to do with if a person can be abused and how it can even be flipped to further the abuse. There is no doubt that Curly could've picked up on Jimmy's envy of his position hence another reason he never confronted him as a Captain but as a friend as doing so would immediately put Jimmy in a space to be confrontational/combative.

I think the disdain some people have when they talk about the heavily implied if not implicitly stated emotional/mental abuse Curly experienced being Jimmy's friend is when treating it as an excuse to why he didn't do more. I can understand that completely because it is not an excuse to why he didn't do more but is a very real reason people in his position in these scenarios can experience whether in the context of a work or social environment. However, I also think the way people talk about it really does demonstrate a bigger problem when talking about abuse when somehow who is/was abused is either part of the issue or enabled it.

Harkening back to the sentiments about Curly's inaction regarding Jimmy, I think the exact phrases I used/have seen show how there is an inherent belief that it is easier to overpower the effects of emotional/mental abuse that go in tandem with the perception of Curly as someone who should be able to. There is not an age you suddenly stop being susceptible to abuse nor a set point or low where you realize how it has affected you. You don't suddenly know to stand up or put a face on to face your abuser nor admit that you inadvertently enabled them to subjugate someone else to the same treatment. Maybe it's my psych brain but their is this growing belief that direct action is somehow easy or always the best method with the game shows you instances where it is not always the case. In real life that rings true too. He should have done more, but it's not impossible to see why he struggled to find a way or didn't even if it makes us mad.

It's not easy to suddenly gain a "back-bone". You don't immediately want to resort to aggression, especially if it mirrors the type you were a victim to. You don't want to believe you allowed yourself to be treated this bad, let it get that bad or allowed something bad to happen to someone else. It is easy to be in denial, to retreat to your thoughts or make excuses to avoid the painful truth. It's frustrating but in a way we know is relatable. It why we both hate and love Curly for it. We know we'd be better, we think we'd be better, we like to think we wouldn't falter in the same ways but it's always easier to say that from the outside looking in. It's easy to see what he was doing wrong because we are seeing it, not him, but the game really does make you picture what you would do if this was your raw reality and it's why this debate about Curly seems so never ending/contradictory. We can all say what we'd do but bottom line is that's much different when you're in the moment with all the emotions and human feelings attached.

I personally think Mouthwashing tackles the themes of rape culture, enabling, toxic masculinity, types of abuse and patriarchy in ways that are meant to deconstruct the typical straightforward views we mostly have of these concepts and how little subtilities of them are just as, if not more, detrimental than the overt/obvious parts. The game deals with the idea of little details and bigger picture in a way to show that sometimes the bigger picture is not the issue but the little details that make it up. It's why I have a personal dislike of depictions of Jimmy as the typical horrible person who would of course do something like this because the game is about noticing the little warning signs, the foreshadowing and foresight.

It's why I dislike the typical discussion of "bro code" and "boys will be boys" for the game because the game makes a point to avoid the standard depictions of such. It is about the type of men who still enable despite not condoning, agreeing or even perpetuating harmful beliefs because they can't see the little details or the ways it seeps into their everyday. The severity is not obvious to them as it was not obvious to Curly, Swansea or even Daisuke the way it was to a woman like Anya. There are little details about Jimmy that should ring alarms but if you are too naive like Daisuke, too distant like Swansea or too conditioned like Curly, they are just off markers.

There is 100% more constructive/concise ways to say "Curly was a victim of Jimmy's abuse on an emotional and mental aspect that clouded his judgements and perceptions in the scenario" while also critiquing on the side of "Curly still had a responsibility to protect Anya as a crew mate and Captain that he failed to do due to biases and stigma's he failed to surpass" without the weird condemnation people give him about should've knowing better than to let himself be manipulated by a person he considered a close, if not family/best-friend and had his own reasons to trust initially. Also stop being weird about victims of abuse in general with this fandom, like sorry not everyone has a like social epiphany the moment someone's nasty to them. People are treating it like you immediately know when you are in a toxic relationship immediately or comprehend when a person is actively dangerous and either it's your fault for not knowing how to leave/cut them off or you deserve it. Like the hypocrisy of people believing how certain fans treat the story reflect their irl views but not their own is crazy.

End statement is: I honestly don't even know man, I've been writing this too long and just like no man on that ship was perfect or really helped Anya when it mattered and I feel like pitting them against each other in discussion on who did the least or most or how it was justified sucks cause in the end Anya always did the most and best thing for herself.

[pens-and-paperbacks]

Endeavor is almost a perfect allegory for what the society in the mha universe does to people who can't be heroes or use their quirks in a way to benefit society, which is cast them aside or pass them over without over giving them a second glance until uh-oh! Suddenly they're worth being noticed because they're a threat.

He apologizes to his family, which is good! If you're a bad person and did terrible things, the first step in your own transformation and atonement should be to acknowledge what you've done and to apologize to those you've wronged. Great!

Thing is, Endeavor set off a chain reaction with his abusive, neglectful and downright irresponsible choices that it damaged everyone in his family for life.

I don't think someone who causes one of their own children to literally go up in flames, crying because they're finally getting attention from their father and family in the very end, ever deserves to be forgiven.

[deus-ex-mona]

such is the tale of a ✨chronically online hypocrite✨

[medicinemane]

I don't know... horrible things happen all around the world and it's not a competition

Atrocities are committed against multiple groups in multiple parts of the world at the exact same moment, and none of them erase each other. They all matter, all the people in this world who are being brutalized matter. There shouldn't be any line you draw where one group doesn't actually matter as much as another

You're welcome to prioritize your energy towards helping one group or another, but what's not ok is invalidating or dismissing people who are actively being harmed

Same goes for trying to figure out which social group has things worst (and lets be honest, always using a US lens)

Like... maybe the important thing is to prop each other up and help everyone get on their own feet rather than trying to... pick fights about if physical disabilities or mental illness are less respected (I'm trying to pick a more absurd example but sadly I've seen exactly that argument happen before). Maybe it doesn't really matter and what matters is helping who we can when we can

I'm tired of it, I'm just fucking tired of it. Support people, champion them when the world is just brutalizing them, but you don't need to throw a single other person under the bus to do that

Which seems to be an absolutely impossible lesson for people to learn

[r0semultiverse]

I don’t know, me personally, I just think two adults playing pretend & pretending being gross together with full open communication & consent between them is harmless, but maybe that’s just me.

[selvepnea]

Thinking about. That one post about art. And how it's never good enough. Since you're the one that made it. And how. It might relate to how I view myself?

[bunnyboy-juice]

blah blah blah blah blah