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eliza-and-her-monsters · 2 months

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Finallyyyyyyy finished my first little one shot!! This is somewhat different from what I normally write so I’m definitely a little nervous to post this! But I hope you enjoy it nonetheless!

Who Did This to You?

Julien Baker x Reader

Description: y/n is in an abusive relationship and is pushed to her limits. Julien has been one of her best friends for years and has been trying to keep it a secret from her. That is until she has no clue who else to turn to.

Contains: hurt x comfort trope, fluff, graphic depictions of injuries and and graphic discussions of abuse. please please please read with caution!!

Word Count: 3k

I was going to fall into a ditch and break every last bone in my body if I wasn’t careful enough… hypothermia to boot, a mildly beat up face was going to be the least of my worries. But I wasn’t exactly sure what else to do. It felt like any second dangerous headlights were going to pull up over my shoulder and give me even more to really cry about. My dorm wasn’t safe either. She could find it. And once she realized I wasn’t coming back for a while she most definitely would.

The monsoon couldn’t have come at a worst time. Oh Gods, it was freezing, the biting rain slamming into my bruised eye and busted lip. Still I peddled like my life depended on it to the one place I knew I would be safe. Julien’s place, my best friend… the best friend I had been hiding this massive secret from for the past few… months?? Years even?? It was hard to remember whenever the abuse got to that extent. Google called it disassociative amnesia, but I wondered if the head injuries had anything to do with it.

I couldn’t remember if she had ever made me fear for my life before. My girlfriend. The one I should’ve been running to to comfort me right now, the one who never should’ve rose a hand to this extent. Most things I could brush off, excuse with her temper or her own trauma, etc etc… tonight was different though. Tonight felt like nothing but a streamline of breaking things, hitting, kicking, screaming, insult after insult after insult. Fuck what could I have done to push her like that?

Julien lived in an off campus apartment, a cozy one bedroom with autumn themed lights that seemed to shine from the windows all year long. I almost cried from relief whenever I saw the beacon of hope, my legs shaking as I didn’t hesitate to slam the bike into the rack and loosely wrap the chain around it. Not like I cared if it got stolen at this point. One foot in front of the other… I can do this. One foot… one foot… one foot.

“Julien?” I echoed, blinking away the rain as I gave the door a shaking knock. It felt so hard to stay awake, like I was going to hit the ground any second as I heard footsteps from the other side of the door. “Julien, please…”

“Hang on, hang on, I’m coming!” I heard the locks click out of place, swaying on my feet before the door swung open with a start. “H-Holy shit… y/n what happened to you? You’ll catch your death out there.”

“I-I don’t wanna soak your apartment, I’ll change.” I stammered through chattering teeth as she didn’t hesitate to usher me inside, my clothes soaked through from the rain and dripping all over her clean floors. I admittedly didn’t think this through all the way, the only thing that had been on my mind at the time was escape. Fight or flight. Like if I stayed any longer she wasn’t going to let me survive the night.

“I don’t care about any of that right now, love.” I faintly heard her speaking through layers and layers of white noise. My feet leaving the floor like I was nothing more than a rag doll. A touch that wasn’t rough for once, but the worse part about those were the winces that came from every tender spot that had been sparked since then. “Let’s get you changed and I’ll get my shoes on and we can get you to a hospital, okay?”

“N-No, no hospital!” I immediately protested, a sentence of words never making me light up so quickly as my eyes widened.

“Y/n, you could have a major head injury right now. Don’t fight me on this.” She kept pushing, and I knew she would. In fact I even had loads of vague arguments I had dreamed up to prove her that this was in fact, not the best course of action to take right now. But they had all departed somewhere between the rain outside and the pain that felt like it was coursing through my entire body.

“Please… Julien.” I choked out, my hand wrapping around her shoulder as if in some attempt to hold myself up more. “Please.”

“If something happened to you because I didn’t take you to the hospital whenever you needed it then I wouldn’t forgive myself.”

“If I’m not doing any better in a few hours then you can take me but… no… no hospital right now. P-Please, please Julien.” I didn’t realize how badly my voice was shaking until I actually heard it. Past traumas of other hospital visits and the prying questions of police officers wondering what I could’ve possibly done to provoke her to that extent. The theatrics she always managed to put on, how she wasn’t ‘in a good headspace’ or ‘taking her medication right now’… and so on so on so on. It was always what I could have done. Never her.

The pleading must have worked though as I saw Julien’s own reserves start to crack. Brown eyes seeming to study every cut and bruise on my face as she placed me a top her bathroom counter. And I watched her worry turn into pure rage. “Who did this to you?” She questioned, breath hitching in her throat as she busied herself with finding a dry pair of clothes and a towel. So she herself didn’t end up flying off the handle as well I presumed.

“I… I just-“ I started searching my brain for another excuse, another lie, anything to brush it off like I always did. Like it was an instinct almost. But I think even I knew on my way over here there wasn’t any other way to cover this up. “She got so mad and I-”

“I know.” Her words were soft, much calmer than I expected them to be as she wrapped a warm towel around my quivering shoulders before setting a folded pair of dry clothes next to me. And I hadn’t even needed to say anything. “Thank you… for telling me, love.” Her gentle hands felt soothing on my aching face, brushing away stray tears and raindrops. She didn’t press the issue further after that, she didn’t pry or ask difficult questions. Her biggest concern in that moment seemed to be taking care of me… which almost didn’t even feel real after so long of the opposite from someone else. “Do you need help changing or do you want me to stay?”

The question almost made me bristle, the introduction of boundaries I wasn’t quite used to as she took a cautious step to the door. I did need help, I know I did. Every inch of my body hurt and shivered from the cold. But was I already crossing the said boundaries by asking her to help? My girlfriend would find some way to blame it on me, or at least some way to deflect the blame from herself.

‘I knew you always had feelings for her. Of course you ran to her the second things got too hard.’

‘You were the one who chose to walk out. This is your fault.’

Your fault… your fault… your fault.

I didn’t even feel the sob coming until I heard it tearing through my voice. Racking through my whole body as I dug the heels of my hands into my eyes until colorful dots danced across them. “Hey… hey, baby, breathe, I’m gonna help you okay? It’s gonna be okay.”

“She’s gonna be so mad at me.” I stammered, only to feel Julien’s hands wrapping around my wrists as carefully as she could before prying my hands from my eyes.

“Fuck her, y/n. She doesn’t get access to you anymore, okay? If you wanna be done, then be done with her. Damn all of the excuses, the blame, all of it, I don’t give a shit what she was feeling or if she’s taking her medication or not. Fuck her. She is never going to lay another finger on you again, okay?” Her words almost took me aback, blinking away tears while she cupped my face in her warm and comforting hands. The first gentle touch I had had in a while it felt like.

“Now let me get you out of these wet clothes and take care of you, okay?” It felt almost impossible to say yes, to nod my head and let her do what she needed to. But I did. An agreement that almost felt like a collapse. I couldn’t afford to keep running out of that house and stitching up the wounds myself anymore. I didn’t want the strength of sticking it out. I wanted to be cared for. I wanted softness and security. Something my girlfriend could’ve never provided from me.

I let her peel the wet clothes from my body, immediately tossing the sopping fabric into her tub before enveloping me in a towel to dry off and protect my modesty. Her clothes felt oversized and warm, still lightly dusted with her cologne that I always felt myself picking up every time I came over here with her joking it was too expensive to share. She never even took one look at me as I was changing, never stole one greedy peak even as she pulled the shirt over my head.

“This might sting a little.” She whispered as she wet the edge of a piece of gauze. Immediately I sucked in a breath of pain as she pressed it to the light scratches that slashed into my cheek. Harboring a small wince of pain as I brought my hand upwards to rest on top of hers where it currently held my chin. Something that almost felt instinctual for a moment before I flushed and drew it away.

“S-Sorry… I didn’t mean to-”

“No, it’s okay.” She shook her head, gentle fingers seeming to overtake mine as she slid them through the little gaps. “You can hang onto me as much as you need to.” She whispered, continuing to dot the wounds with antiseptic and gauze. It still hurt but for some reason looking into her eyes seemed to diminish it. She was just so so delicate with all of her moves, soft taps and gentle brushes. Delicacy and warmth I wasn’t quite used to anymore but I missed so severely.

“I just… don’t understand,” She finally muttered after a moment of silence. Those same little elevens that creeped in between her brows whenever she was concentrating hard on something. “how someone could ever do this to somebody like you.”

“I probably provoked her.” I whispered, always finding some way to shift the blame.

“I doubt you could’ve done anything that would’ve ever warranted this.” She shook her head once more, hands still wrapping and squeezing my own like it was a miracle I was even still here. And if I hadn’t gotten away whenever I did it probably would’ve been. “Promise me… please promise me, y/n, you won’t see her anymore.”

I didn’t even notice the tears rolling down my cheeks until I felt her warm hands brushing them away again. Cupped around my bruised cheek before they could even fall, “I don’t know how to leave somebody I’m scared of… how- how to leave the only thing I’ve ever known.”

“I know, love.” She sighed, a soothing touch running along my knuckles. “So let me help you… let- let all of us help you. I’ll go back to the apartment with you to get all of your things and- and you can even stay here until you feel safe again.”

“And if I don’t ever feel safe again?” I questioned, my voice cracking around the words before I could feel a sob breaking through them. Her arms felt like a protective shield though as they finally enclosed around me, a tear soaked face being pressed to her shoulder as she held me.

“Then I guess I’ll just have to make room for you.” She whispered, hands rubbing soothing circles on my back as she did so. “Say yes? Please? Say you’ll let me help you.”

My whole body felt like lead slumped against her, taking in her warm scent as she held me up the whole time. I didn’t think she’d give me a choice in the grand scheme of things. Throughout our whole lives of being friends I had always viewed Julien as a protector of sorts. I couldn’t remember a single time that I hadn’t felt so safe around her. So welcoming. So… the opposite of what I had been given before.

It felt like it took every ounce of strength left in me just to nod, but I did just that, my weak arms clutching onto her to the very best of my ability. “Thank you… for everything.” My words still trembled though I tried to keep them strong.

I felt the careful brush of her lips against my hairline before she lifted me from the counter with ease. Holding me like some knight in shining armor would as my eyes fluttered and drifted off against her shoulder. “Always, love.” She whispered, carrying me through the bedroom to settle me against the king sized bed, satin sheets so much more comfortable than mine or, well, my ex now I presumed, could’ve ever been. I was too tired to protest as I curled up to the mound of pillows, burying my face into the silky fabric as I took in the lavender scent of her detergent. “Let me get you some ice and I can take the couch tonight.”

Those words had my eyes darting open however, a hand jutting out to grip her hand and keep her from slipping off. “No, please… stay, Julien please.” I echoed the plea once more as I slipped my fingers around her wrist, and I could nearly feel her pulse hammering against them.

“I- I just didn’t wanna be disrespectful or-”

“You won’t- I- I trust you.” I managed a weak smile, almost tempted to reach out with both hands with every flair of melodramatics I could. Anything to keep her from leaving. “I’m okay with it.”

Julien hesitated much too long, a pause that almost left my heart clenching with failure and my body shaking with dread. Her nod felt like a million pounds off of my shoulders though as she nodded and pressed her lips to my forehead for the millionth time. Each little kiss feeling like they were washing away every trace of the headache I had remaining.

“Okay darling, I think I can do that.” She said with a soft breath, a tiny breath hitching in my throat as I watched her lifting my hand upwards to the same soft lips she kept laying against my head. “Just let me know… if I get carried away.”

“Okay.” I whispered, my tiny smile only growing as I watched her exit the room. Maybe a part of me had always felt something for her? Maybe in some way it was considered infidelity to its core? But was it in the way she looked or the way she treated me? I don’t think I had seen the girl be mean to a single person unless she felt like someone she loved was in danger. She was always the one holding me after fights with my now ex. Always the one telling me the things she consistently said wasn’t true. That I wasn’t crazy. She was gentle and kind whenever nobody else was. Maybe that was why I felt anything at all.

“I’m putting a wallflower in because if I light a candle now we might fall asleep with it lit and… you know.” She chuckled weakly, setting what looked like a glass of water and a plate on the tv stand.

“Yeah… fire- I get it.” I spoke with a little snicker of my own as she trotted closer. My eyebrows then scrunching together at the contents of the plate. Two Tylenols and a couple ice packs, as if she knew that I’d need more than one.

“Do you wanna watch anything? Or- I can make something to eat if you’re hungry?” Her eyes were wide and innocent, trying her hardest to think of anything she possibly could to help.

“No, I think I’m okay right now. It already feels so hard to keep my eyes open.” I shook my head, watching her frown and nod as she crawled into bed.

“I get it.” She stated, eyes trailing on me as she watched me swallow down the pills and attempt to lean forward to place the ice pack on my ankle. Though I couldn’t help but let out a small yelp of pain as I tried to force myself up to a sitting position.

“Here… let me.” Julien darted forward, eyes going wide in worry as she did so.

“I’m sorry.” I replied with a sucked in breath of pain, inching backwards to lay back down as carefully as I could. Groaning ever so slightly as I placed the other pack against my head.

“You have nothing to apologize for.” She denied with a quick shake of her head as she lounged back on the pillows with a hand propped behind her head. “Do you wanna lay on me?” She questioned, as if already noticing the expectant look in my eyes as my cheeks flushed in mild embarrassment.

“Is… that weird?” I wondered sheepishly, catching my bottom lip in between my teeth.

“Nah, get over here.” She smiled that same soothing smile that always, without fail, made me feel like everything would be okay. Even if it felt like it wasn’t even close right now.

She let me curl up to her like a cocoon, placing my head on her chest as her careful and safe arms wrapped back around me. Rubbing the same soft circles on my back like she did before. And I think in that moment I would’ve done anything to never have to leave. “I’ve got you, y/n. No matter what, I’ve always got you.”

#boygenius x reader #boygenius fanfic #julien baker x reader #julien baker fanfic #rpf #fanfic #blurb #one shot #fluff #hurt/comfort

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