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eliza-and-her-monsters · 5 days ago

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okay somehow the entire unedited version of the middle part of this got dupilcated and I literally have no idea how 🙃

good news is i fixed it and i get to reblog it again

bad news is that’s overwhelmingly embarrassing for something i spent so much time on and i’m actually so mad because I SWEAR I DID NOT COPY AND PASTE IT THAT WAY AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT HAPPENED-

anyways sry for that error now back to your regularly scheduled program 😅

The Sky, The Earth & All Between

A Rin Shinonome Backstory

Prequel to Anything > Human

characters: rin shinonome, tae nakanoshima, gen narumi

contains/tw: the biggest and fattest MDNI i’ve probably ever EVER put on a fic before. this is heavy, tragic, sad, all of the above 😭 contains graphic depictions of mental illness such as depression and borderline personality disorder (not specifically stated but alluded to), and graphic depictions of self harm, panic attacks and suicide attempts and ideation and mentions and psychiatric facilities. (this is not meant to romanticize these topics in any way! i’m largely writing from my own personal experience and if you are struggling please please reach out for help 🩵) somewhere in this there is a sort of love story as well so will also contain your lovely wlw smut (can be skipped if that’s something you’re not into though!) probably ooc in some ways but idrgaf because i do what i want! <3

PLEASE also remember this is a PREQUEL so this all takes place at least a year BEFORE anything > human EXCEPT for the beginning which takes place present day while Kikoru’s trying to beat all of the platoon leaders so Narumi will work with her. (This was literally added in last minute because I’m ultimately trying to connect it back to the whole event this story starts with which is of course, the major cataclysms <3) also sorry if the quality isn’t as great as the rest of the story and seems kind of rushed. I really just wanted to get this done 😭

wc: around 18k… you’re FUCKING welcome rin stans 😭

a/n: we have got another yapper y’all 😭 going to try and keep this short and sweet because i stay running my mouth on these sorts of things 😅 anyways though i usually don’t ask for this but i worked really hard on this- like exceptionally hard- like writing nearly 24/7 every day kind of hard and it still took me all week so- if you like this please please like and reblog and it��d be so appreciated 🥺🩵 anyways that’s it! i think! hope you enjoy!

Links: Anything > Human Pt. 1 🩵 Playlist 🩵 Kaiju OCs

The first sign things were going south again she was grateful it was only around Narumi. She hadn’t even intended to talk to anybody about it besides maybe Iris and her therapist at first but the moment Narumi did saw her slipping into an episode he tended to watch her like a hawk. Even though her therapist told her that they didn’t have to meet twice a week anymore. Even though her psychiatrist told her all the time how much of a success she was and that they only needed to meet every six months for quick medicine checks. Even though… for the first time in years whenever it came to her mental health- she had a clean bill.

That wasn’t to say the environment changed, especially with No. 9 seeming to hit them with every curveball known to man. She was just, simply handling it better. She didn’t have the same intrusive thoughts that brought on her own kind of personal mental cataclysms. She had a girlfriend… sort of, kind of… maybe she was still avoiding the label and the roles of severe co-dependency had taken a major swap but… that was besides the point. All in all, given the circumstances… she felt like she was doing pretty damn okay. She just had one major trigger though.

If a trigger could be a person that is; Kikoru Shinomiya was all of them.

Now here she was, long past lights out, still holed up in the training room and slamming her fists into the punching bag like it was her worst enemy. “Damn it, Shinonome.” She heard someone curse from the double doors at the entrance already causing her to roll her eyes in response.

“You know I was taken off suicide watch a long time ago- you don’t have to follow me around constantly.” She said with a huff as she gripped the punching bag once more to stabilize it while trying to toss back her one-sided fringe.

“That isn’t funny.”

“Because I look like I’m laughing?” She scoffed before glancing back at him as he trailed over towards her.

“You’re gonna over exert yourself if you keep going at it like that, Rin, you need to call it.” He ordered as sternly as he possibly could despite the fact, to his detriment, he was almost starting to view them as equals. That didn’t stop him from gripping the punching bag himself to lock it into place.

“Stop playing big brother!” She snapped, one of the only people who could raise her voice at him and get away with it.

“If you didn’t keep going off the rails like this then I wouldn’t have to!”

“If you didn’t undermine every bit of my fucking strength every time you talk to your subordinates and I wouldn’t have to find out while I’m going up against her!”

“Oh my god, is this seriously still about Kikoru? For christ’s sake if I really wanted her to surpass you that fast then I wouldn’t have given her an entire month to do it!” He argued as he stepped around the punching bag, but every word that came out of his mouth seemed to only piss her off even more. Too bad for both of them though, as Narumi had the emotional intelligence of a teaspoon and could be just as hotheaded as Rin sometimes.

“The issue is that you told her to do it at all, Narumi! She’s in my fucking platoon for god’s sake!”

“Okay so what do you suggest then? What was I supposed to say to her? ‘I’ll make sure your strength is unrivaled by all but my own and Shinonome’s of course because she has a serious self importance complex and an ego bigger than the fucking Pacific Ocean!’” She didn’t expect the words to hurt as much as they did, the targeted jab almost causing her to wince as she took a shaking step back. She held her hands into fists so tight they practically shook, bottom lip already gaining a subtle quiver that only made her want to go at the punching bag even more. Even harder. Until the bones in her hands and wrists snapped and the muscles cried for relief.

It wasn’t like they had never fought before, they were like brother and sister after all, and during the first initial stage of her recovery she knew she wasn’t easy to deal with. This attack had felt so specific though. Such an obvious implication that had her almost needing to fight tooth and nail to keep from crying, and even more so to keep from splitting. “D-Do you think I want to feel this way?”

Well, he might’ve had the emotional intelligence of a teaspoon, it’s not like Rin made it too difficult for at least him to read her though. But whenever she heard that dejected sigh and watched his face soften it almost made her more mad. All she felt was angry. So… so… incessantly angry. All of her past failures building up into one giant horror movie that set off a roar inside her head. “Rin… c’mon, that’s not what I meant.”

“I know what you meant.” She murmured, a deadly silent voice that was futile against the ringing in her ears. “Do you have any idea how badly I wish I could just be average at something and be okay with it? This isn’t a fucking ego that makes me feel like I’m hot shit all the time and everybody’s beneath me… this is an ego that makes me feel like I’m never fucking good enough and because of that more people are gonna fucking die and it’s gonna be my fault!” Her voice broke before she knew it, red hot angry tears burning her eyes as they slid down her cheeks. Pressing her back against the wall as the shakes ever so slightly managed to set in. Anxious shakes. Panic attack shakes. “Look I- I know I’m a hazard and-”

“Rin… no- stop, get out of your head and look at me!” He snapped in that firm captain’s voice he rarely ever used with her, watching her wince as he gripped her upper arm and let the other rest on her cheek only to lift her face to meet his. She always flinched whenever he lifted a hand near her face though, more parts of herself that she hadn’t told him and he wouldn’t ask about. Her glassy eyes were dilated as she let her hands dart upwards to grip his arms as well just to have something to hold onto. “Breathe.” He echoed, voice still stern but not too heavy either, just enough to get her to listen to him. “I need you to breathe.”

He waited until he finally saw her chest expand in a breath that was more than a gasp and not disintegrating into her hyperventilating. A slow comedown before she could get too high. “Rin?” He repeated her name once more as he gave her shoulders the tiniest jostle to wrestle the dilation out of her eyes. “You still with me?”

She let herself blink a few times as she took in a few loose breaths before nodding, “Yeah… yeah, I’m okay.”

Before she could even loosen her arms around him he was yanking her into a hug that almost caused her to groan at first before her face was smushed into his shoulder. “God, you stress me the hell out.”

“I know.” She murmured, letting her cheek plop against his shoulder with a shake of her head. “I just wish…” she began, but slowly let the words die on her tongue as she sank her teeth into the flesh as if to stop herself. Don’t poke the bear. Don’t try to find an agreement where there is none. And there well and truthfully wasn’t one.

“You just wish what?” He pressed on, pulling away only to keep his hands on her arms as if she was some rapid beast that would go off the rails if he did let go.

“Nothing… it’s nothing, you’re right. It’s entirely just jealousy- that’s all it is.” She remarked with a weak shrug. Though her eyebrows lifted in confusion the moment she saw Narumi whirl around to dig out a pair of punch mitts that he was already starting to slide onto his hands.

“As my punishment I will let myself be your punching bag for at least a few rounds. Then I’m making you go to bed. Actually go to bed.”

“And this doesn’t put Kikoru at an unfair disadvantage?” She questioned, though resuming lacing up the minuscule beat-up wraps for her hands.

“Nope, I’m not helping you, I’m not training you, I’m just… simply, being your training partner.” He began with a shrug, already feeling his legs shift and his eyes widen the moment she struck one of the mitts with no hint of mercy. “Okay, nice.”

“Thank you, I do try.” She responded almost sassily before sending her fists sailing towards the mats once more in a flurry of hits and even a couple kicks for good measure.

Narumi barely made it easy for her though as he made himself into a moving target of sorts, switching up positions and stances leaving her to predict his next move. That was okay though, she wanted him to make it difficult for her. She’d be happier if he honestly worked her to the bone until she couldn’t breathe. He wouldn’t do that though. She was the only person he wouldn’t do that to because he knew he didn’t have to. She was already doing enough to herself as it was.

“See, think of yourself as like- the final boss that she has to face before she can beat the game.” He kept talking casually despite the combos ramming into each of his hands that he almost danced around the mat with.

“The final boss isn’t you?” She questioned with a lifted eyebrow, already feeling her chest clench and sweat pouring from her forehead.

“The final boss is rarely ever actually someone’s mentor- maybe in Pokemon… but we’re not Pokemon.” He explained with another small shrug. His expression was beginning to shift though, from being amused to one of worry. She was starting to falter, he could see it, the way her breathing went heavy and it seemed as if she was swaying on her feet. “Rin, you’re gonna hurt yourself. Maybe we should stop.”

“I’m fine.” She tried to bring force into her tone, tried to sound infinitely more stable than she was. Everybody’s body had a breaking point though.

The pain was sharp and biting at first, like a knife had been rammed straight into the center of her chest. Whenever she was in pain she rarely cried out. She rarely let it show. This was the one thing she couldn’t push back though. The kind of pain that swept her breath directly out of her lungs, giving her just enough to choke out an instinctual yelp of pain. Her hand flew to her chest like she was searching for a stab wound where there was none, tears burning in her eyes as she doubled over. And even in the midst of all that she was still trying to convince herself she was okay.

“Rin!” Narumi’s voice almost sounded like she had been dunked underwater, not even realizing her knees were pressing into the mat until her vision started to unblur. “Rin, what the hell?!” He dropped down next to her, arm flying around her shoulders as if to catch her if she fell.

“I-I’m fine.” She stammered, words she was way too used to saying as she held up an arm to keep him from hovering too much.

“Bull-fucking-shit you’re fine! Did you just-”

“I did not have a heart attack, Narumi! My heart’s still beating, I think I would know if it wasn’t!” She exclaimed through a tiny groan, though she still latched onto his shoulder as she tried to plop down into a sitting position. All the while still clutching at her chest for dear life, afraid the moment she let go maybe it would actually stop.

“Look I…” she blew out a heavy breath and glued her eyes to her knees, “I’m sorry. I know I’m an asshole and I stress you out and probably make your life infinitely harder than it needs to be. I- I get it. But I don’t know how to be anyway else.” She shook her head, finally disconnecting her hand and running her fingers through her messy hair. “A-And for fuck’s sakes I’m trying, Narumi. I-I’ve worked so hard just to get to the point where I could finally go out of my room and talk to people and actually make relationships with people beyond just sex for one night! Fuck I’m- I-I may be a basket case but I’m trying! I-I’m fucking trying.” Her voice cracked as she finally lifted her head to face him.

“And you don’t get to take that away from me. None of you do.” Her words were firm despite the rawness in her voice, the quivers and the burning tears. But she refused to make herself even weaker. She completely and utterly refused.

Her body seemed to scream in pain the moment she pushed herself up to her feet but she hid it well as she undid the hand wraps and tossed them in her duffel bag that she had haphazardly pinned rainbow and lesbian flags to in order to get men to hopefully back off. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn’t. But luckily if there was one thing she wasn’t afraid to be open about it was her identity. Not that she thought it was ever really up for debate but you’d be surprised at the audacity of some men. Hell, some of them even thought she only made platoon leader because she was secretly fucking Narumi… those rumors were pretty easy to shut down though with one simple spar. At least sometimes she had confidence.

“I’m going to bed… like you wanted me to.” She spoke, arms aching from the strain as she hoisted the gym bag up onto her shoulder.

“Rin… wait-” He began as he too pushed himself up to stand as if to try and chase after her. He knew she didn’t though, she never did.

“Narumi, please- just don’t.” Rin stated with an exhausted sigh. “Just give me some space, alright. I’ll be fine… I just need some space.”

“Just… don’t do anything stupid at least?” He nearly begged but wouldn’t let too much of it slip into his voice.

��I won’t. You know I won’t.” She murmured before finally letting her feet carry her out into the hallway, motion detecting lights all blaring to life the moment she finally emerged from the training room and pushed herself into the bathroom. Historically never a good place for her to retreat to whenever she was teetering on the edge of breakdown mode. Sometimes she went in order to try and test herself. Assure herself that she was fine. That she wasn’t nearly as bad off as she was a year ago.

The truth was is that Narumi didn’t know she wasn’t going to do anything stupid. Even if it had been over a year since she had really flown off the handle, she knew in the back of his mind it was always there. The idea that she could lose to herself… so easily, at the drop of a hat. The most difficult thing she’d ever have to fight wasn’t a kaiju at all, it was herself.

Her breathing was heavy as she splashed a handful of freezing water on her face to bring her back down to earth. You need to breathe, Rin, you need to breathe. You’re important to people now, you matter to people now. You need to get your shit together.

With a heavy breath she lifted a hand to press her two fingers to the pulse point on her neck. The tiny thumps almost sounding like they were rushing against her fingers causing her eyes to go wide, nearly even losing count as she kept her eyes trained on the clock attached to the wall. Elevated heart rate. Highly elevated. Shit.

“Goddamn it, I will not have something else wrong with me.” She practically growled as she propped her elbows up on the porcelain, swallowing a heavy lump and letting her eyes continue to burn with frustrated and angry tears. Her vision was blurred as she glanced upwards, bottom lip still trembling pathetically as she met her own bloodshot eyes. And for the first time in over a year, she felt like breaking the glass again.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

-One Year Ago-

Rin had had several times that she should’ve probably checked herself into a psych ward. Nothing had ever felt so helpless as to where she was right now though, hunched over the public bathroom counters in the middle of the night whenever she was supposed to be in bed. At first she thought just taking a walk would help, then she found herself crashing out in front of the sinks splashing cold water on her face and hoping it would bring herself back down to earth.

She was being a bad host. Seething in front of the mirror over those stupid higher numbers from every other division. 70%… it always stayed at fucking 70%. And for a while she was okay with that, within her own division besides Narumi and Hasegawa she was the strongest. Strongest officer turned into the strongest platoon leader and maybe one day she could be on the same level as Ashiro and Narumi as one of the strongest captains. She wasn’t there yet though… it wouldn’t fucking budge. No matter how hard she fought or how broken she left the battlefield… it wouldn’t- fucking- budge.

She might as well had been the weakest at that point, other platoon leaders were going to catch up at some point. She wasn’t going to be good enough. She was already cracking underneath the pressure as it was. She was never going to be good enough. Never never never…

She didn’t even feel herself smash the mirror with a shaking fist and a strangled cry of frustration until the glass bit into the side of her hand and forearm. ‘I need to feel something. I need to feel like I’m human again. That I’m not a machine. I’m not a machine. I’m not a machine.’ With each sentence she caught herself sinking her arm deeper into the shattered glass, letting it embed itself, draw blood until it pooled up against the glass and ran down her arms. The pain was jarring at first, leaving her gasping out as she finally yanked her arm away from the mirror. The comedown back to reality feeling like a fist as she let out a horrified little sob at the sight of her wrecked arm.

For a moment she felt as though she might stay there, let the defense force make an example out of her. This is what happens whenever you lose yourself. This is what happens whenever you feel your entire worth is determined by that stupid number that reflects back at you the moment you wear that combat suit. She stared much too long at one of those larger chunks of glass. Hand twitching amongst the mess as if she wanted to reach out towards it. This was it. This was where the internal battle started. If they found her with self inflicted wounds they would deem her selfish. Someone who never should’ve set foot on these grounds. A mistake that slipped through all of the ranks. People wouldn’t cry. They’d shake their heads and say ‘what a waste.’

‘But nobody is coming to save you, Rin. You are not the one who gets saved in stories like these. You’re the necessary sacrifice.’ Even then she caught herself begging for it. For somebody to come save her. For once in her life. ‘Somebody please just come and save me.’

In terms of a God, she wasn’t sure if she believed in one. She had weighed the options in her head. Had a brief mythological phase in her life where she considered the possibility. But then also figured that if she truly believed in it she wouldn’t be calling it ‘mythology.’ In that moment though, she prayed to whoever would listen.

The door swung open at the very last second with the piece of glass pressed to her skin just below her elbow, the way she jumped nearly causing her to complete the action anyways. “Woah, hey, hey, what the hell are you doing?! Don’t do that! Put that down!” Finally she was wrenched from whatever abyss she had been falling in, one hand tossing the glass away and the other firmly gripping her chin to make her meet her gaze.

Rin’s vision was blurry, tears still streaming rapidly from her red and glassy eyes. Pink eyes, with equally as pink hair that she truthfully had no clue how on earth she made it stay like that. She was loosely familiar. Third division. Someone she probably should’ve had some sort of rivalry with but it was to difficult to keep up with rivalries whenever you were too busy fighting with yourself.

“Listen to me! You fight and kill ginormous beasts for a living! You don’t get to go out this way, do you hear me! This is the one battle you don’t get to lose!” A stupid sob pried at the back of Rin’s throat as she watched her alleged savior point a sharp finger right at her. And to this day she was still one of the only people Rin had actually allowed herself to cry in front of… at the time she was the first.

“I just- I just don’t feel like I belong here. S-Something’s wrong with me.” She barely recognized herself whenever she finally spoke again. She had never sounded so weak. So torn up. So vulnerable. A mix of all of the things that she never wanted to be.

“Something’s wrong with all of us! That’s the whole reason we’re here! You don’t go into this line of work without having some serious shit you need to let go of! Not by doing this, Rin!” She felt her other hand wrapping around her bleeding arm, careful to avoid the wounds, and being surprisingly gentle. She wasn’t used to gentle.

Another thing that had caught her attention also, she had used her name. Not just any name though, her first name. “You know my name?” Rin questioned, almost flinching the moment she felt the warmth of her hand spreading against her cheek. The act of human touch so obscene and out of the ordinary to her she almost pulled away at first. Until she realized just how much she had wanted to be held.

“Everybody knows your name. They look up to you. And you don’t even… see that?” She was left in disbelief for a while, eyebrows furrowing through another pathetic sob as she felt the shame burning in her chest. I never should’ve been chosen for this. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be here. “Damn, it really is the people who are the greatest that’re the most hard on themselves, isn’t it?” She spoke through a huff, the glass crunching underneath her feet as she knelt down on the mess of the floor without a single ounce of thought. “Do you want me to help you?” The question was short and straightforward, catching her off guard enough to where she didn’t even know if she could really answer.

“If you want to live, I’ll help you. But if you don’t… well, I’m still not gonna let you kill yourself in here but- I won’t bother you. I won’t try to convince you or give you some big grand speech about why you should want to live but… if you- if you want to, I’ll help you.” Her entire body seemed to tremble the moment she felt another hand on the other side of her face, gently brushing back her loose strands of hair. “I think you want to live.”

“Why?” The question barely came out in a whisper, barely audible, airy and soaked in 50 layers of pain. She read her with ease though. This girl that she didn’t even know the name of, this girl that wasn’t even in the same division as her… read her easier than anyone else had. Read her better than she could even read herself.

“Because if you actually wanted to kill yourself then I think you would’ve done it already.” The answer should’ve felt obvious. Because it was true, Rin had had ample chances to do it if she actually wanted to. It was easy enough already to die on the battlefield. But even beyond that it wasn’t as if she had a ton of people watching out for her. It wasn’t like anyone would’ve gone out of their way to check on her and stop her. But even now, even before someone had walked in on her she had hesitated. She had begged, prayed endlessly for somebody to help her. Save her. For once just let her be someone who gets saved. And now here she was, this metaphorical knight in shining armor who hadn’t hesitated to kneel right on broken glass for her. It had to have meant something.

“What’s your name?” Rin spoke, finally lifting a shivering hand to wipe at her wrecked eyes.

The woman seemed to let out a sigh of relief at the casual breakthrough, “Nakanoshima… that’s long as hell though so, you can call me Tae.”

Rin nodded through another shuddering sob before she finally did the unthinkable, she bypassed the handshake, the formalities, all of it; and for once she finally let herself throw herself right into someone else’s arms. Her grip was tight and unyielding, wrought with the weight of someone who couldn’t recall the last time someone had even touched her much less the last time she had actually had a hug. Her scarred arm burned from the contact against the fabric, probably staining her shirt red. But she didn’t care, she didn’t care about anything, all she wanted was to be held.

Tae seemed almost taken aback at first, arms tensed as if she wasn’t sure whether to put them around her or not. But ultimately she finally blew out another breath and pulled her in closer. “Hey, hey, you’re okay. You’re gonna be okay. I’ve got you now. I’ve got you.” The next string of sobs that came out was muffled into her shoulder, a breakdown that had her gasping and choking for air while at the same time hiding her face deeper into Tae’s shirt. “Okay… okay, just- hang onto me and I’m gonna take you back to your room and patch you up.”

Rin caught her breath hitching in her throat the moment her body left the floor, grimacing at the feeling in her arm as she let her hand squeeze around her shoulder. She didn’t know why she was surprised, most people in the defense force could lift any average sized person without assistance. They had to be able to. It was still a shock to the system though. She didn’t trust people like this. She always expected the worst. Yet here she was, putting the entire weight of her body in someone else’s arms.

To be fair, whenever she looked back at that fateful moment she always questioned how they had gotten to the point that they did. The events of her stay in Ariake leading up towards the climax of their relationship were a blur. Like a movie filmed entirely out of focus… until Tae stepped into view. What she did remember however was how her hands were exceptionally gentle as she removed the micro pieces of glass embedded into her skin and applied pressure to the deeper wounds. The brush of skin on skin as she wrapped the bandages around the bloody indentions the pieces of broken glass had left. And lastly that while she was still taller than Tae she still found her face burrowed into her chest, begging for her to stay. ‘Stay, stay, stay… please don’t leave me here again.’

It was always going to be a slippery slope downwards. She got far too attached far too fast. She knew that. It had always been in issue in the past and vastly why she tried to stay as far away from other people as possible. It was so easy to forget with her though, while she had a gentle heartbeat thumping underneath her ear with her bandaged arm draped over Tae’s body. Legs tangled up like she was seeking out any form of human contact possible. Like if she pulled away for one second then maybe she’d forget what she felt like. What warmth felt like.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Tae would ask her the deepest questions, the questions she hadn’t even dared to ask herself. All within the walls of her small studio apartment curled up around each other or side by side on their backs. Facing the typical teenage glow in the dark stars Rin had stuck haphazardly on the ceiling in some fragile attempt to feel like she was underneath the stars every night. The long weekend Tae was there felt like it could’ve stretched on for months. Maybe even a lifetime. Multiple lifetimes. All that and Rin never once considered the possibility that it could’ve been more. She probably should have.

“I can’t believe I never noticed any of your freckles before.” Tae had whispered one night, her last night, drawing a light finger along the path of pigmentation. Softly trailing up her arms, her shoulders, touches that made her shiver. “They look like constellations.” Rin’s breath went shallow as her finger reached her chest, gulping a heavy lump down her throat. Almost feeling like a path of goosebumps was following the slow trace of her finger along the broader expanse of marks scattered across her chest. It felt so intimate, the most gentle touch of all time yet the one that made her feel the most. “Is this… okay?” Tae asked with a near hint of anxiety creeping behind her voice as her hand suddenly stilled.

“Yeah… it- it feels kind of good actually.” She spoke, suddenly aware of the way her chest rose and fell with each little breath. Heavier and heavier and heavier, and she was terrified of Tae feeling it. She did though, she knew she did, the lightest little curve creeping into the corners of her lips as she unexpectedly but slowly let her hand flatten to press it entirely against her chest. Like she was pushing all of the air right out of her lungs.

“Are you sure? Your breathing’s starting to get really hard.” She only teased, a spring of butterflies doubling up inside Rin’s stomach. Were those butterflies? Is that what they felt like?

“Tae… c-can I ask you something?” Rin stammered as she carefully pushed herself up onto her elbows. Tae’s hand only sliding upwards to encircle around the back of her neck, another move that left her breathless and an invisible burning handprint where her hand had previously been.

“Anything.” She murmured, lightly sliding her fingers through the blue locks of hair on the underside of her scalp.

“Y-You’re not straight, are you?”

Tae’s eyes widened as if taken aback, nearly about to leave Rin cursing at herself for misinterpreting the entire situation. Just until her jaw fell open and her sharp eyebrows furrowed, “Nobody in the third division’s fucking straight, our captain’s a literal lesbian.”

“Okay, thank god, I had to be sure.” She spoke through a heavy sigh of relief before finally biting back every growing sense of anxiety and diving after her. The world almost felt like it was stuttering to a stop the moment their lips touched. Another sharp intake of air came from her nose this time as her hands found the sides of Tae’s face, tugging her in until she could feel her forearms pressing entirely against her body. ‘Please kiss me back. Please kiss me back. Please please please…’

Just before she could yank herself away with embarrassment though she could feel Tae’s arms sliding around her waist, closing the rest of the gap between the two. And Rin could’ve almost moaned at the feeling of another body pressing entirely to hers. Meanwhile the kiss only grew with a fervor, deepening by the second just before she could feel a tongue slip past her teeth causing another muffled moan to spill into Tae’s mouth. She then let another arm slide around the expanse of her broad shoulders as their tongues only tangled together for a split second just before Rin could hear the other woman let out a small gasp.

“Do- Do you have a tongue piercing?” She spoke, jerking a hand upwards to grasp her chin as if she was going to pry her tongue out herself.

Rin’s cheeks burned with a heated flush as she curled her arms around her shoulders, tensing as if she had done something wrong, “I-I can take it out. I-I just got it whenever I was 16 to piss my parents off so-”

“Fuck no, you’re not taking that thing out. I feel like I just hit the jackpot. Now get back over here.” Tae practically rejoiced, her smirk only turning into a little laugh just before she could pull her back in to her lips.

Rin only let out another sigh of relief against her lips, sliding her fingers through her bright pink hair while the other tugged almost helplessly at the collar of her shirt. And with a low chuckle against her while barely breaking their connection Tae easily swept off the white t-shirt. And just like that she was left breathless all over again. It was always hard to ogle in the DF with all the baggy clothing and long sleeves they wore nearly 24/7. Not that that was something she ever minded, she hardly ever thought of what it would be like being tangled up with somebody like this. But now that she had… god, how was she supposed to think of anything else? How was she supposed to think of anything but the rippling muscles in her arms, the toned muscles in her stomach that only stretched upwards to a well defined chest. She looked so similar to her own body but so different at the same time. And she loved every bit of it. Almost feeling like an alien discovering human life for the first time.

Her breathing felt more shallow than ever as she let her curious hands slip downwards, run along her arms like she wanted to trace the lines of every muscle. “You are… so beautiful.” She murmured as their foreheads pressed against each others, leaving her shaking hands pressed to either side of Tae’s chest.

“So are you.” Tae whispered back, cautiously sliding her hands up the fabric of her tank top, along the curve of her waist towards the dip in her back. “Can I?”

Rin swallowed another anxious lump down her throat as she nodded, slowly guiding her hands towards the end of her tank top. Tae went slow, dragging her hands up the length of her torso as if to savor every touch of bare skin she possibly could. Another shallow moan spilling from Rin’s lips at the contact alone. A small shiver crept through her body before she could feel the warmth of Tae pulling her back in, her arm slipping around the length of her shoulders this time as they swapped positions and Rin let her arms curl around her waist. Desperate to feel her lips on hers again. Desperate to not think of anything else. ‘Consume me. Consume me entirely and I’ll let you.’

“You’re shaking.” Tae read right through her as she placed her hands back on her cheeks. “We don’t have to do this if you-”

“No… n-no I- I want this. I do.” Rin argued through heavy breaths, probably nodding like a damn bobblehead before she could wrap her hands around one of Tae’s wrists to slowly guide it downwards until her hand was pressed to her chest once more. Like a silent offering. ‘Take my heart. You can have it. You can have anything.’ “Please… please, I want this.”

Tae scanned every inch of her face, searching for anything, any sign that she was pushing herself too hard. Lying to herself. But there was none. In fact those cyan eyes had never appeared so sincere before. Looking back on it now, that’s probably the sign she should’ve looked for most of all. “Then let me take the lead first.”

Rin was breathless as she nodded and let her press her body to the mattress below. Their lips found each other once more, moving in sync and just as ferociously as they had before. But this time there was a new hunger attached to them. The smallest whimper tumbled from Rin’s lips however the moment she felt Tae’s drifting, placing a trail of kisses along her jaw, down her neck, nipping at her pulse point. Every inch of her felt so sensitive. Crumbling right underneath of her so easily.

She placed kisses on every inch of her it felt like, every little freckle along her collarbones, her chest, lower. A gasp lodging right in her throat as she felt Tae’s lips wrapping around one of her sensitive nipples, a trembling hand curling through her thick locks of pink hair. “You know it’s really such a shame we have to keep these beautiful things hidden away.” Tae whispered against her skin as she let her other hand cautiously slide around her other breast, just in time for Rin to let out a breathless laugh mixed with her own moans.

“I-I don’t think it’s the male officers they have to worry about.” She stammered through the newfound sensations coursing through her just as she could see a smirk pulling on Tae’s lips once more. A sharp whimper fell from her mouth all over again as she felt the flat of her tongue lapping and curling around the sensitive bud.

“Oh darling, you know we’ve always been far more dangerous than them.” She voiced with a low chuckle that could’ve taken her out right then and there just before she could trail her lips lower, hooking her fingers around the waistband of her sweatpants as she shot her another silent ask of consent.

“Please.” Rin whispered, eyebrows furrowing together in need the moment she felt her last pieces of clothing being tugged down her legs. And she caught herself biting down on her bottom lip so hard she nearly thought she was going to draw blood.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to taste you, Rin.” Her hot breath on her core brought out another sharp whimper, fingers tangling through her bright hair once more as she felt the torturously long drawn out kisses being placed along her inner thighs.

Rin’s jaw dropped however the moment she felt her warm tongue dragging through her center, a sharp whimper spilling from her lips as she immediately let her hips buck against her face. The sudden vibrations of a moan coming from Tae’s lips having her gasping out in relief. The tip of her sharp nose nudged against her sensitive clit, nearly sending her over the edge at the new found pleasure. Having Rin immediately bursting up onto her elbows the moment the wet muscle slipped inside of her, the most pathetic whimper falling from her lips as she managed to curl it in all of the right places. Like she was placing open mouthed and deep kisses right against her core.

“I need you to lay back, Rin.” She softly chastised, the quiet type of dominance making her fall right back onto her back. Eyes up at the ceiling at the ungodly pleasure that seemed to course through her while she kept a shaking hand on top of her head. The noises were getting harder to keep tame though, harder to keep from getting too loud as she caught her hips rolling up against her face once more while she worked her tongue better than she had any weapon… which was already saying something. And before she could stammer out an apology Tae was already gripping her thighs to pull her cunt as close as humanly possible. “Good girl, baby, keep riding my face just like that.”

The way she spoke to her, her tone of voice, the vibrations of every word shooting another spark of ecstasy through her. “This- Th-This cannot be your first time doing this.” She barely got the words out before she could feel Tae’s long tongue curling around her clit, the stimulation across the entire surface of the bundle of nerves causing her to let out a loud cry of euphoria. Meanwhile from between her legs though Tae only shot a knowing smirk up at her before she could start lapping at the sensitive muscle like a starved woman. The pleasure was overwhelming yet blissful at the same time, slowly letting her hips move in time with the motions of Tae’s tongue while she clutched onto her thighs.

“Rin?” Tae spoke, and she could barely notice the sudden halt in movements before she could let out a tiny moan at the sudden replacement of her moan with her thumb. “Can I try putting a finger in?”

Through her heavy breaths she nodded, gulping another anxious lump down her throat. “Y-You’ll keep using your tongue too, right?” Rin nearly whined at the need to feel her tongue again. She almost hated herself for being so needy, but Tae brought that out of her. She left her completely at her mercy.

“Baby, I’m always gonna use my tongue.” She murmured just in time to connect her tongue right back to her clit as promised, another moan of relief spilling out as she let her hips buck right back up against her face.

The first finger was jarring, had her darting up onto her elbows once more with nervous whimpers as if she was a terrified puppy. She had reduced her to that. “Shhh… shhh, I’ve got you, just relax.” Tae whispered in the most soothing voice she could muster, sliding the fingers of her free hand through Rin’s. And right then as she curled her calloused middle finger upwards she felt the first few nudges of pleasure spreading elsewhere as she let out a shuddering sigh of relief. “That feel good, baby?”

“O-Oh fuck… yeah.” She was nearly rendered speechless as Tae began to slowly pump her fingers in and out, each time making sure to curl them up just right exactly where she couldn’t hit with her tongue. All of which making Rin melt right into a puddle above her. She was slow and careful at first, but gradually picking up the pace the more she heard the sounds coming from Rin’s mouth get sharper, heavier.

The second finger introduced the slightest tinge of pain, but Rin had never been afraid of pain. And she had already been in such a state of pleasure for as long as they had been laying here. The stretch brought a newfound sense of ecstasy as she almost seemed to caress the throbbing sweet spot deeper inside of her. All the while she never lost track of the way her tongue lapped at her swollen clit… every single motion into one she could barely withstand for too long before she felt herself tumbling towards the edge. Her legs a quivering mess, chest heaving up and down so rapidly with every sharp breath turned into cries and moans of pure desire.

“Tae- I think I’m… o-oh fuck.” Once again she could barely get the words out, the feeling of a fierce climax rumbling to life faster than she could even recognize it.

“Shhh, I’ve got you, baby… just let go, I’ll take care of you.” The release hit her before she knew it, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes as her muscles started to contract, jaw dropping and back arching as she moaned out her name like it was the only word she knew. It felt like a release of so much more than just sexual pleasure, a release of every bit of tension and pain flooding out of her until she was left completely limp on the bed below. Her heartbeat still thumping in her ears with sweat clinging to her forehead, cheeks and chest probably more flushed than they had ever been.

“You still with me, princess?” Tae whispered, gently smoothing out her messy hair and brushing the stray tears away from the sides of her face.

The tiniest little smile formed on her face as she peered up at her, eyes bright and glazed over, probably looking like the most obvious depiction of lovesick. “Nobody’s ever called me ‘princess’ before.” She spoke, the flush seeming to take over her entire upper body at this point.

“That’s quite the shame then… because I think I could search the entire world and I wouldn’t find a single person that measured up to you.” Tae spoke, gently grasping her chin in between her thumb and forefinger as if she wanted to study every inch of her face, commit it to memory. To this day Rin still wondered if she meant any of those words. She liked to think she did, even though deep down she had wanted it to be malicious. She wanted her to be a piece of shit so she wouldn’t have to look too far inward. So she wouldn’t ever have to admit to herself that Tae hadn’t been the only one to destroy what they had at all. They just simply weren’t meant to be.

The truth was… Rin knew that they were never supposed to work out. Deep down in the back of her mind in a crevice she never wanted to admit to. She was a twister, after all; she could twist and morph and completely rearrange herself for the person she loved. Anything to get to them. She would’ve destroyed herself, turned herself inside and out, torn her chest right open to hand over her beating heart. She would romanticize all of her pain, write the next Romeo and Juliet, a tragic tale of star-crossed forbidden lovers. She just had to survive it first.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

“Rin… this is- holy shit.” Tae spoke as she held the notebook in her hands like it was some rare artifact. And to Rin it nearly was. Her writing was a sacred thing, the closest look into the darkest most private parts of her life. She knew it was ironic though, spending most of her life wanting to be known for something that she was too afraid to show anyone. Until now. Now here she was, curled up in her sheets with both of their bodies still bare from the activities they had been engaging in just a half hour ago.

Her head had been on Tae’s chest like it frequently was afterwards as she traced absentminded shapes along her collarbone whenever she asked her what she’d want to be if she wasn’t in the defense force. Hobbies besides the killing of monstrous beasts and turning your body into a machine. At first, Rin thought it would’ve been difficult to answer. She could barely remember her life outside of the constant anger. But whenever Tae asked it hadn’t been difficult at all to answer. She wanted to be a writer.

“You- seriously wrote this? Just like, on your downtime you sit and put every great classic poet to shame?”

“Okay… I definitely wouldn’t go that far.” She said with a little chuckle before finally picking her head up from her shoulder to shake her head.

“I’m being serious… why the hell are you here and not becoming the next great Japanese writer?” She questioned, throwing her hands up in the air as if genuinely appalled. And Rin didn’t flinch at the sudden movements either, she never flinched with Tae.

“Getting into the defense force is much easier than getting a book deal as a delinquent 17-year-old.” She answered with a sad little shrug as she watched Tae’s expression soften while she shut the notebook and sat it on the messy bedside table. “And I… I really needed an outlet I guess. Besides, you know, punching walls and breaking things.”

“Well-” Tae cleared her throat as she let her fingers brush ever so slightly underneath her chin to tilt her face up to meet hers. “I, for one, think you’ve done an amazing job… at both things.” The soft smile forming on her lips only made Rin’s grow, the smallest flutter of butterflies creeping into her stomach at her words. Tae gently placing her soft hands against her cheeks as she leaned in to press her lips to hers before she slumped downwards into bed to place her head on Rin’s chest this time. Sometimes a position she liked a little bit more than the latter. The touch of human contact while still feeling like you were the strong one, without feeling so vulnerable, finally feeling like she could be the protector rather than the one that always needs someone to come talk them down from the ledge.

“Besides,” Tae began once more as she finally knocked her from her brief trance. “I hear it’s a lot easier to get a book deal whenever you’re a gold star captain of the defense force anyways.”

Rin let out a soft little laugh with a playful roll of her eyes, just before she could slip her arm around her shoulders just to pull her in tighter, until she could feel the brush of her pink hair underneath her chin. “I’m barely a gold star platoon leader let alone a captain.”

“You will be captain one day though… you’ll be one of the greats. Hall of fame, right next to your number one.” Tae bragged as if she could already see it all unfolded in her head, and for a moment maybe Rin could too. Only a moment though. That was all she had room for.

“Passing up Ashiro just feels disrespectful though.” Rin flushed with another little snicker before she could lean her cheek against the top of Tae’s head. “I’m cool with maxing out at 95%… I don’t need to go any higher than that. Unless Ashiro surpasses that and then I could go higher but-”

“Okay okay… right next to Ashiro then. The two most badass female captains there ever was- besides Hikari Shinomiya, of course. So the three most badass female captains.” She recited like she was reading some headline, another soft chuckle coming from Rin’s end as she let her thumb lightly trace circles against her shoulder.

“I think I can live with that.” She murmured with a content sigh, eyes fluttering shut just as she felt the pads of Tae’s fingers beginning to map out the paths of her freckles again. Something that always soothed her right to sleep, but also made her ten times more scared to lose her every single time. Her soft smile faded ever so slightly as she pulled her eyes back open to face those same glow in the dark stars on her ceiling. “Whenever I wake up are you going to be gone again?”

“Rin…” There it was again, that same sad sigh that she always let out right before she was about to hit her with the same reminder. Their day offs couldn’t last forever, they couldn’t stay in each other’s divisions 24/7… at some point she had to let her go again. Go back to their training schedules and neutralization operations and move through her life like every moment wasn’t spent counting down the minutes until she could see her again. “You know I would stay here all the time if I could.”

“I know- I- I get it.” Her breathing was shaky again, quivering in the back of her throat though she willed it not to turn into anything else. No, no she was getting better. She had to be getting better. She didn’t feel the soul crushing loneliness anymore besides the fact it felt like she lost herself entirely the moment Tae left. She knew it wasn’t healthy… but at least it was love. “Just ummm, before you leave do you think you could wake me up first?”

“Rin, you really need the extra sleep. I know you don’t sleep well whenever I’m not here.” Tae released another heavy sigh, those types of pity sighs that were always filled with so much more than anyone let on. “C’mon, let’s swap.” She replied before suddenly shifting so she was rolling off of her, lifting a hand to gently pat her chest, “C’mere, Riri.”

Rin’s cheeks tinged pink at the loosely infamous nickname as she shifted onto her side to curl up to her, “I hate that nickname, you know?” She huffed, though she made no attempt to deny her offer as she slid underneath her arm and placed her head on her bare chest. Already letting out a tiny sigh of relief at the delicate thump that rested underneath her ear.

‘Sometimes I wish the only thing I had to hear was your heartbeat. A soft and steady incantation of the only thing in the world I believe to be true. I love you. I love you. I love you.’

“You like it whenever I call you that though.” Tae teased with a snicker just before she could brush her lips right against her forehead.

“As long as you don’t call me that whenever my tongue’s inside you. You ever try that and then you’re not getting head for at least two weeks.” She scolded lightly as she lifted a stern finger up at her.

“Two weeks, dude?! C’mon, that’s just cruel and unusual punishment!” Tae spoke through a dramatic whine that only made her burst into giggles.

“Trust me, it’ll hurt me more than you.” Rin added with an equally as dramatic pout up at her, and this time it was her turn to laugh as she gave her a playful swat on the arm.

“You’re a munch, and I’ve created an absolute monster.” She laughed while Rin’s lips just faded into a little smirk of pride as she squeezed her arms around her waist and let her cheek scrunch up against her chest.

“Be honest, is it just the tongue piercing?” She drawled on as she peered up at her with a V formed with her fingers as she stuck her tongue right out in between.

“Hang on, put your tits away and hold that position for a second.” Tae laughed, inching herself away only to snatch up her phone with a mischievous grin on her face.

“Tae, you better not post that!” Rin exclaimed with reddened cheeks though she stretched herself over to snatch up one of the shirts from the pile of clothes haphazardly discarded on the floor anyways.

“Why? You’re literally basically an influencer at this point and no offense but you’re not exactly screaming ‘straight girl!’” She scoffed with a little roll of her eyes.

“Because apparently I’m a ‘role model’ and I have to stay ‘PG’.” It was Rin’s turn to roll her eyes next as she pulled the shirt on, immediately recognizing the scent and oversized material as Tae’s. “Alright, take your picture before I put this tongue to better use.” She winked before striking the pose once more though this time letting her eyes roll back into her head almost dramatically. Meanwhile Tae only burst into giggles and snapped a fair few.

“Definitely new screensaver.” She teased as Rin snuck over to steal a look at the screen.

“Oh yeah, so hot… edgy tumblr girl circa 2016.” She chuckled at the sight before Tae could toss her phone aside once more and scooch back down to her original position.

“They’d eat you up, for sure… in more ways than one.” She smirked as she lounged her back against one of her arms, using the other to slip around Rin’s shoulders the moment she snuggled back up to her. “I guess I can wake you up before I leave tomorrow.” She spoke in a much softer tone, letting her smile fade ever so slightly as she leaned her cheek against the top of her head. “If you promise to write me more of those pretty poems before I come back.”

Rin’s own smile only grew as she squished her reddened cheek back against Tae’s chest, bright eyes finally drifting shut. “I think I can do that.”

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

The trend of the poems continued… she wrote a new one just about every day it seemed. Also probably looking way too much like Light Yagami as she scribbled in her black notebook. Maybe looking back on it that was what caused her to pull her away. That deadly series of poems that she later ended up sealing in a box and shoving it in the very back corner underneath her bed. She didn’t want to remember the version of her that had been in love. She wanted that version of her dead.

Everything ends, after all. Sometimes violently. Sometimes in screaming. And sometimes it ends falling apart in the middle of the 1st division parking lot. Arms squeezed around Tae’s waist with her face burrowed in between her shoulders blades leaking probably enough tears to stain even the thick fabric of her black defense force coat. “We can still make it work… i-it’s only a 20 minute drive we can- Tae please…”

“Rin, baby… I can’t be your only person anymore. This isn’t healthy.” She spoke through a pained sigh, hands on her knees as she kept her face glued to the ground.

“I’ll make friends then… I’ll- I’ll try and talk to people a-and I’ll go to psych and start going to therapy… I-I’ll do anything just please don’t leave.” A string of sobs spilled out all at once. Ugly and pathetic sobs she could’ve never imagined she’d be letting out in front of anyone. The physical growing pain in her chest like her heart was actually breaking, tugging at the fragile strings until they snapped.

The way Tae held her face even then was soothing, warm and surprisingly soft hands resting on her cheeks. And for a moment she nearly thought she had gotten through to her, “Baby girl, you need to do those things for yourself, not just for me.”

“But I love you!” Rin exclaimed through her waterfall of tears, blurring everything in front of her until she almost couldn’t even make out Tae’s frame. She couldn’t even remember the last time she had said those words, a time in her life that was completely lost to her. And now here she was, screaming them as defense mechanism, hoping they would act as a shield; but they only made her weaker. “I love you… I-I love you- I-”

“Shhhh…” Tae whispered as she tugged the trembling girl forward, almost wincing the moment she practically fell right into her, red face burrowed into her shoulder. Like the first time they had ever met. “Rin, I love you too-”

“Th-Then stay with me!” She knew it was toxic, almost giving her an ultimatum. Her self preservation was kicking in though. The part of her that would completely destroy herself for the people she loved. Her arms tightening for dear life around her, a sick deathgrip, life support that was going to be pulled either way.

“I can’t, baby. I’m doing this because I love you.” Tae ran a gentle hand through her hair, holding the back of her head to her shoulder… and it almost made her sick to know it would be the last time she ever did that. The last time she ever held her… at least for a while. And she caught herself thinking that if the world ended right then and there then she would’ve been okay with it.

But she was coming to terms with it now… the sick realization of the fact that she wasn’t going to get through to her. Or maybe it was the other way around. Rin was the one who couldn’t be reasoned with. Rin was the irrational one, the sick one, the one that couldn’t help but destroy everything that she ever touched. That’s why she was in the DF anyways, she was meant to destroy, meant to neutralize, she was not meant for love. She never was.

Tae must’ve noticed her sudden silence, the suddenly quiet tears; resignation. She still held onto her even as she pulled away, like she was the most fragile thing she had ever touched. How ironic? “Rin, you aren’t losing me, okay? I just… I just need to see you get better… on your own. I can’t be your one and only, and that isn’t your fault and I- I-I hate myself for hurting you like this. But I feel like if I stay I’m just going to hurt you more.”

“I know.” She murmured, voice weak and strained as she shook her head, the glass never once leaving her eyes. “I-I’m really sorry… if I’m the one that screwed this up.”

“It’s not your fault, Rin… you did the best you could. We both did.” Tae added, squeezing Rin’s hands in her own before she pushed herself up to her feet. And there it was again, the pull on her thinning heartstrings. The pull that she was losing. The end. “C’mere, look at me.” She tugged her up to a standing position on shaking legs, not even realizing how completely and totally weak she felt at the hands of this girl. She had the strength of a thousand men whenever it came to fighting kaiju. But now, in front of this girl that wasn’t even as tall or as strong as her, she felt completely and totally helpless.

“You’re not losing me, okay? I’m still here. I’m not disappearing.” Tae placed her delicate hands back against Rin’s cheeks, pressing her body to hers just as they had the first time she had to say goodbye. Only then she knew it was only going to be for a little while. “You still have my number, you can still talk to me, I’m still only 20 minutes away… we’re still going to be friends. You’re not alone, Rin. I promise you, I would never leave you if I knew you were going to be alone.”

“I-I’m trying like hell to believe that.” She cursed underneath her breath, eyes burning almost violently as she squeezed her arms around her. She sounded so bitter but she wanted to feel her. Human touch. It didn’t matter if it was romantic or sexual or any of it. She just wanted to feel human touch without violence. “Y-You saved my life, you know?”

Tae’s expression softened, eyebrows furrowing as if she was biting back the same glassy eyes that Rin had. “You saved mine too, Rin.” She breathed out as she rose up onto her tiptoes to place a soft kiss to her cheek. “I’m going to have people check in on you so don’t do anything stupid, okay? Promise me.” She hesitated before she answered, squeezing her arms around her waist as if it would somehow give her the courage to and actually mean it. “Rin… promise me.” Tae only repeated, and she felt as if she’d keep repeating those two words over and over again until she finally said yes.

Rin took in a heavy breath, briefly letting her eyes flash up to the stars as if she’d find the answers up there somehow. She must have, “O-Okay.” She stammered with a nod, a loose shuddering sob falling from her lips, “I promise.”

Tae hesitated as well, but she didn’t have much time to wait for another promise before the sleek black transportation car pulled up into the parking lot causing Rin’s heart to finally drop. They were out of time. Too late. Another ending she couldn’t do anything to stop, barreling towards her at a rapid pace. Sisyphus letting go of the rock and letting it chase him down the hill instead. But what other possible harm could it do? He was already dead.

“I love you, Rin. I do.” Tae’s words flashed almost violently in her head, letting her hand slip down ever so slightly to press against her chest as she felt the softest press of her lips on hers once more.

“I love you too.” They were still the only words she knew to be true.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Going back to her room afterwards almost felt too impossible. There were cruel reminders of Tae everywhere, indentations in the now cold sheets, pictures stabbed into a cork board, the haunted poems that seemed to be scattered everywhere. One of her shirts even laid draped over the back of her futon, still lingering with her scent, and Rin wondered how long it would be before it finally faded. She didn’t even know if she wanted it to.

No, who was she kidding? She obviously didn’t want it to.

For a moment she had half a mind to forget any promises she made. Throw herself right in the middle of the swarm of imprisoned kaiju they had captured during missions and let them swallow her whole, tear her to pieces, make herself disappear. But no… no, no, no- she had to get a grip, get a hold of herself. God, it had only been a few months. But they were such blissful months. Safe months. But now every place they had ever gone together was tainted. Most of all, her room.

Eventually she pulled herself back inside. Took the stairs all the way up to the top floor and back down to her room and wished the entire time she didn’t have the stamina to withstand the exercise. She wanted her muscles to ache and burn and she wanted her lungs to run out of air until she had to gasp for it. She wanted to be reminded of what it felt like to have had to fight for survival; just to know that she still could.

The first thing she tried to do to put herself back together was to write. Write everything down, even if it’s shit, even if it doesn’t make any sense, spill everything onto the page and leave no stone unturned. But whenever she scrambled for her notebook and a pen and forced herself in front of her desk she found her mind blank. Silent. A dark cavernous hole that she felt she had been abandoned in. A part of her still standing alone in that parking lot, right where she had left her.

She didn’t even know why. It had only been three months. But they were the three happiest months of her entire life. The happiest she had felt since she was appointed platoon leader. Three months, and it was all it took for Tae to become her muse. But what did it mean whenever your muse disappeared. And for once Rin just wished she could finally be the muse. Not just the artist. Hell, if she could even call herself that anymore.

Tae had also kept up her promise to have people check in. Her fellow platoon leaders would pop by, bring her food to make sure she was eating, trying to pull her out of the pit of her bed that she was currently rotting in. All the while using Tae’s shirt as a pillowcase, and then whenever the scent of her eventually faded she would end up waking up screaming at all hours in the night. No heartbeat to calm her down, no pattern of breathing to match her own to, no soft voice to whisper, ‘I’m here, Rin, I’m right here.’ So she found herself pacing the halls like a ghost.

She tried to be nice, she tried to talk to the people who checked on her whenever they did, tried to make friends, form semi normal and healthy relationships, and tried to push down as much shame as she could every time they tugged her sleeve up and scanned her arm to make sure she hadn’t done anything else to herself. Like she was on her own loose version of suicide watch. But Tae had been right about that as well; she still didn’t want to die. Or at very least she still wanted- to want to live.

So whenever she found herself up on the roof of the apartments it was never to actually hurt herself. All it had been was an effort to finally get outside before the walls of her room and the training facility started to close in. (It was easily already to that point though.) From up here she could look at the stars, her new favorite pastime. She could almost pretend she was one. A companion of the constellations. And every time the sun came up she waited and waited and waited for them to come back out.

The sound of the rooftop door opening knocked her from her trance, causing her to blow out a heavy sigh almost in frustration, “Don’t worry, I’m not going to jump.” She spoke monotonously to the culprit as if she had done this a million times. And she had.

“I’d hope not… it’d be largely ineffective from this height.” The familiar voice had her darting upwards with a start, eyes widening in pure embarrassment as she tried to stifle a gasp.

“Shit, c-captain Narumi I- I mean, fuck, sorry- shit, damn it I did it again!” She cursed, the words falling out way too instinctively for her own taste as she covered her red face in embarrassment. “Captain Narumi, I-I’m so sorry. I had no idea it was you.”

“At ease, relax… I’m not here to scold you or- even act like a captain at all honestly. I’m here as a friend.” The words struck at probably the most tender part of her heart as those same pathetic tears started as if on cue. She should’ve known if there was anybody she wasn’t going to be able to hold herself together for it would’ve been Narumi. She had thought that most people barely considered her a friend. Let alone him.

She let her eyes soften for a brief moment as she pushed herself all the way up. It was Narumi, the person she had largely found herself infatuated with from the moment she went on her first mission. The equivalent of an unattainable idol that you still let yourself fawn over the idea of. Her guard was still up though, her guard was always up now as she hugged her knees to her chest and tried to make herself as small as humanly possible. “Why?” She murmured into the cold air, nearly inaudible with the sleeves of her hoodie pulled far past her hands like she wanted to cover every inch of herself.

On a normal day during a normal time she’d typically be appalled at looking like this in front of Narumi… or anyone for that matter. Red, acne riddled cheeks from the crying, purple bags underneath her eyes from the lack of sleep, bloodshot eyes, small, weak, she looked terrible. But she didn’t have the energy to care anymore.

“Because you look like you could use a friend more than you could use a captain.” The words almost felt weird coming from his mouth, even if he was never one to take a ton of his responsibilities seriously or demand respect at every turn. It still felt so out of place. Her eyebrows furrowed once more as she watched him step forward and lower himself down to a sitting position right next to her, long legs stretched out in front of him as he sat back on his hands. “Do you come up here a lot?”

“Every night.” She answered, absentmindedly wringing her hands in front of her knees as she briefly caught her bottom lip in between her teeth. “I ummm, I-I’m really sorry… for how much of a wreck I’ve been this past week. Th-There isn’t an excuse for it, I just- I’m sorry. I-If you need to demote me I totally understand.”

“I just told you I wasn’t here as a captain.” He said with a little roll of his eyes and a shake of his head. “And at any rate you’re not going to be punished for being depressed, you know? I’m not entirely heartless.”

“You demand results though- and I haven’t produced any results.” She gulped a heavy lump down her throat, one that felt like an iron ball just at the thought of admitting any of this to Narumi. But she wasn’t about to sit next to him and lie either. She couldn’t lie to Narumi. “You must’ve had some sort of tip-off to come look for me at any rate. Did she text you? Tell you I went off the rails?”

“Did who text me?”

“My girl- I-I mean, my ex-girlfriend. I-I think that’s what she was at least. We never made it official and I-I guess I just didn’t know how to ask… not the point, sorry.” She winced at her rambles, finally letting herself bury her face into her knees the moment she felt the familiar telltale sting behind her eyes as her arms tightened around her legs. Out of all things she wouldn’t let herself cry in front of him. That was one of the rules she never wanted to compromise… though it looked like she was going to.

“Ashiro texted me actually… said I should check in with my officers more. That they were more than just violent killing machines. I dismissed it at first because I thought it was bullshit but then… I didn’t see you at training for a while, which is supremely not like you. And then whenever I did see you outside of your room you looked like you got hit by a bus which is even more not like you.”

“Wow, thanks.” She finally felt a tearful chuckle coming on rather sarcastically as she picked her head back up to glance back up at the sky, all of the stars blurring together in silver dots.

“I mean, I don’t mean anything by it! If I have a week long depressive episode I look like shit too!”

“Oh now I look like shit?” She exclaimed in mock offense as she shot him a look that immediately had his eyes widening like a deer in headlights.

“No- no, that’s not what I… okay, fine, bad choice of words-”

Rin let out another little snicker as she let her expression soften to at least a mildly amused one, “I’m just fucking with you. I know I look like shit.” She admitted with a tiny huff as she lounged back on her elbows, finally stretching her own legs out in front of her as well. “It’s not like I wasn’t depressed before… I was just- better at hiding it. It was just easier to have people think I was a bitch rather than someone who… actually has a shit ton wrong with her.” She went on, eyes growing glassy for the millionth time. Truth be told she couldn’t remember what it felt like to have dry eyes anymore.

“Why didn’t you tell anybody?” It seemed like a simple enough question from somebody who didn’t fully understand. It was easier to wonder why somebody didn’t reach out for help whenever you didn’t struggle with the same things. It seemed like such a no-brainer for him. But he was lucky in that sense.

“I wasn’t really brought up in an environment where it was acceptable to… you know, do that.” She ran her hands through her short hair with another heavy sigh, switching up to cross her legs. She was fidgety, anxious, but at least she finally felt safe enough to talk. “I’ve had anger issues my whole life. I would get into fights over shit I can’t even remember anymore, I’ve broken my hand way more than once from punching walls. I was… I was a disaster, a ticking time bomb, and my parents couldn’t handle me anymore so whenever I turned 14 they sent me to reform school and- I-I don’t like to talk about that place too much but… b-basically their way of treating mental health was to give you as many drugs that you could handle. Like, enough to suck the life out of you without actually sedating you 24/7 so… I-I was honestly so high for those few years I couldn’t even tell you much.” She sniffled in a way that only disgusted herself as she dug the heels of her hands into her eyes until all she could see was darkness and colorful dots dancing in her vision. “Sorry you- you asked me one question and I just trauma dumped on you-”

“I don’t think it was trauma-dumping. And I think that’s a really stupid term anyways.” He spoke quietly, eyes briefly meeting hers for at least a split second. A subtle understanding passing between the both of them. She knew, after all, what his childhood had been like before the defense force as well. He just hadn’t let it consume him. “I asked, I wanted to hear your side. I still do.”

She took in another small breath, peering down at the half moons embedded into her hand from her chipped nails. “You know I… I was obsessed with you whenever I first got here.” She admitted with an airy chuckle and a shake of her head. “You were this… untouchable guy in his early 20s that had already made captain and I… I wanted to be just like you. I wanted to be strong and brave and… n-not feel like the world is collapsing around me every second. I-I felt like the stronger I got here then I could finally beat this shit, and if you just looked at me for one fucking second and gave me confirmation of that then… I-I would be okay. That- That would fix me.” Those same tears flooded her eyes again, but she made no effort to brush them away and get them to stop. If he wanted to hear her side then he was going to hear all of it.

“So… I-I busted my ass for you. I trained as hard as I possibly could day and night, I stopped sleeping like a normal person, I twisted myself inside and out just to get you to look at me and- i-it worked. I-It finally worked. You appointed me as a platoon leader and it was one of the first times in my life that I was actually happy. I had done something right, for once in my life I had actually done something right. But I- I guess I thought it would’ve lasted longer than it did, you know?” She squeezed her knees back to herself, the part of the story she was most ashamed of, the embarrassment. God, the embarrassment.

“The first year I think I cried every single night. The pressure was a downward spiral, e-every time somebody in my platoon got hurt I’d immediately blame myself because- I’m their leader, you know? They look up to me. I-I was supposed to protect them. I was supposed to keep them safe. If anybody out there is getting hurt it should be me.” Her hand shook as she held it over her mouth as if to muffle the sobs that were finally tearing out of her throat full force.

Narumi’s hand cautiously crept up behind her, slow and careful before he could lay a hand that he had at least hoped was comforting on her back. The first gentle touch caused her to flinch, breath hitching in her throat as she stole a tearful look back at him. It was so out of place, so out of character she almost wanted to shy away just like she had the first time Tae had touched her. But god she had missed it, human contact, she had missed it so bad.

“You do, Rin… you do protect them. You’re a better leader than you think. That's why I appointed you.” She let her eyes squeeze shut as if it’d help staunch the incessant flow of tears. She didn’t realize how much hearing those words from him of all people would have an affect on her, even now. Even years later after she had gotten everything she wanted it seemed like. “But… Rin, if you don’t want to be a platoon leader anymore I’m not gonna force you- we can figure something out-”

“No- n-no, I want this… I want this more than anything, I do it’s just- I don’t want to feel like- like this anymore.” She spoke through another quiet sob she kept muffling into her hand. “I-I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I- I miss her s-so fucking bad.” There it was, the true pathetic reason for the breakdown, the thing at the very center of everything. The death of her fantasy that forced her to confront every single demon she was trying to shove away instead of fighting.

“I know.” His words were quiet, they weren’t mocking or layered with thinly veiled insinuations to get a grip. They were so soft that they barely even sounded like Narumi at all. She screwed her eyes shut once more as she felt his arm sliding further around her back, breath hitching as he pulled her just the slightest bit closer. Slow and cautious movements, giving her time to process and pull away if she really wanted to. But god no, she didn’t want to at all. It was a different kind of warmth than whenever Tae held her. It wasn’t a romantic warmth at all, more so what she imagined having a protective older brother would feel like.

Her breathing came out in short and shaking bursts as she let her body slump against him with her head against his shoulder. She almost hated how small she probably felt to him. Hated that out of all the officers in the first division that she was the one breaking down and losing every sense of her composure… right in front of him. And he was letting her. “You know it’s almost funny, I spent my whole time here busting my ass and trying to get stronger for you… just for you to notice me, just look at me… something. But now you’re the one person that’s seeing me at my weakest.”

“I don’t think crying necessarily makes you weak- it’s not like you let yourself cry in front of other people a lot.” He brushed off with the light touch of soothing circles being rubbed against her back. “And you can say it’s because of a situationship breakup all you want to- but I know it’s more than that.”

“Please get out of my head.” She grumbled a bit through her silent tears that were probably soaking through his jacket. Though he only responded with a light snicker.

“Listen, I have a little sister so I’m pretty good at comforting crying girls.” He said with a minuscule little shrug, he made no motion to shrug her off though, and she made no motion to move. Not yet at least. “I’m… look, I- I’m really sorry, Rin. If I ever made you feel like you weren’t enough or- if I caused any of this-”

“It’s not your fault. You couldn’t have known… I worked really hard to get you to not know actually.” She spoke through a small sniffle, fingers absentmindedly tracing out the scattered scars along her arms that were slowly healing but weren’t going to fade any time soon.

“You shouldn’t have had to though.” Narumi frowned with a shake of his head just before Rin could feel him leaning it against her own. “So… why the stars?” He wondered, still seeming like he was tiptoeing around every new question, but still trying to make up for all the lost time he could’ve been talking to her. Helping her. Actually making her feel safe rather than worthless.

She let out a weak tearful snicker before slowly picking her head up from his shoulder, “Have you ever actually taken a second to look at them before?” She wondered before letting herself lounge back once more so she could face them again. “The DF bases are one of the only places you can see them in Tokyo, there’s too much light pollution everywhere else. But because most of the bases are solar powered… there’s less artificial light, which means- less pollution, which then means- more stars.” She explained, already feeling a little smile tugging on the corners of her lips before she could pat the ground next to her. “C’mon, lay back, you’ll see what I mean.”

“Never been something I really thought about, I guess. I’m usually-”

“Yelling at a 13 year old in the Call of Duty lobby?” She giggled as she glanced over at him with a raised eyebrow once he laid backwards.

“Hey! I’m a ‘public figure’ for your information, so I could never bully a kid on live chat. I’d get cancelled for sure!” He exclaimed as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, but it actually only made her burst into laughter, tears almost completely dry somehow.

“Look up.” She voiced, pointing her finger towards the sky as she seemed to trace the different lines of familiar constellations. “Do you see that super bright star there? The one that seems bigger than everything else? That’s Jupiter.”

“That’s…” He began, holding his hands up to his eyes while squinting as if trying to make it out. “No way! That’s an entire planet? That tiny thing?!”

“Well, it’s over 476 million miles away! And it’s the largest out of all the nine planets.” She rambled on almost proudly as she continued to let her eyes scan across the sky, mapping out new constellations and searching for other planets and various nebulas. “Things don’t hurt as much whenever I’m looking at the stars. Because then I remember how small all of us are actually… and the smallest little dot up there could contain an entire galaxy. So how significant are my problems, in all honesty?” She took in another heavy breath, eyes so far off in the distance that she could’ve been light-years away by now. “I-If I’m rambling too much then tell me-”

“No, no way- this is the most I’ve ever heard you talk before. Keep going.” He urged, the slightest amount of heat creeping up into her cheeks. He actually wanted to listen to her, it felt so unfounded to her. Yet it somehow wasn’t.

“So…” She began, proceeding forward almost nervously as she inched up one of her hoodie sleeves. “I was born with these weird freckles, right? Just super scattered around everywhere in random places, they weren’t in any clusters or anything. They almost seemed kind of uniform in a way.” She went on, lifting the same arm and trailing a finger along one of the familiar freckle paths. And to her surprise he seemed to be hanging on to every bit of it. “Anyways, I always hated them because they weren’t super common in Japan and naturally at that age I thought anything that was different was bad so… in order to get me to not hate them my mom started telling me that I was made from stardust- and they were just, leftover pieces from the sky.”

“Geez…” He spoke with a little huff, one that seemed to contain genuine interest as he cautiously stretched a hand over to trace along some of the lines, “They kind of do look like constellations actually.”

“Tae said that too.” She remarked, already feeling her smile fading ever so slightly before she gulped another lump of emotion down her throat and worked her sleeve back down her arm. “Sorry I- I keep talking about her. The way I’ve been acting you’d honestly think she’s dead but- but she’s not and I’m literally going to see her next week for joint platoon leader training and- fuck, I didn’t think about that.”

“Well, do you want to see her?” He questioned as he pushed himself to sit up.

“No… I-I mean, I do but-” she stifled a groan as she smacked a hand over her face. “Not like this.”

“So- I’ll tell them you’re sick then.” Narumi spoke with a casual shrug as he shoved himself back up to his feet, extending a hand to help her up as well. “You have a super contagious flesh eating bacteria that-”

“Why don’t we just stick with the flu? Even though my face easily looks like a flesh eating bacteria could’ve gotten to it.” She grimaced at the thought before slipping her hand into Narumi’s and letting him pull her up next. She could only feel her heart plummeting afterwards though at the realization she was trying ultimately to forget about. “I… guess you have to take me to psych now, don’t you?”

Narumi let out a sad little sigh as Rin connected her eyes to the ground, as if in shame all over again. “I don’t think I’d be a very good captain… or friend, if I didn’t at least try and get you some help.” Rin’s breath was shaky as she nodded, silent resignation while that same sting behind her eyes crept back up with an angry vengeance. Narumi’s own heavy breath that followed though was enough to get her to glance up right as she felt his hands gripping her upper arms. “But Rin, this isn’t something you have to be ashamed about though. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or you’re broken and you need to be fixed or… anything like that. You deserve to get help, just like anybody else. And not for me, or Tae, or the defense force, or anybody else either… for you. Purely, entirely for you.”

Her eyes felt like they were turning to glass at the sudden influx of tears, arms going from being wrapped around herself at some futile attempt at self soothing to finally feeling comfortable enough to wrap around him. She was still fighting not to cry, not to let another string of tears out into his shirt as she cried in his arms. She never wanted to have to cry in someone else’s arms ever again. But for now… maybe she’d allow herself this for now.

“I don’t know if I’ve ever actually done anything for myself before that didn’t end like this.” She sniffled as she tucked her face into his shoulder. “I-I’m so sorry I’ve been such a shitty platoon leader lately.”

“We all do the best with what we’re given.” He stated, arms curling around her as well as she felt him rubbing those same soothing circles into her back. “Just get better, take better care of yourself… and then I’ll overlook all of it.”

She blew out another heavy sigh that was riddled in emotion as she nodded against him. “Okay.”

“Good.” Narumi gave her one last tiny squeeze before finally letting the two of them pull away, only to offer up his arm like a gentleman causing the smallest smile to tug on her lips, “C’mon, I’ll walk with you and stay with you as long as I can.”

She nodded once more, breathing trying to stay steady as she slipped her own arm into the crook of his elbow and let him slowly lead her towards the entrance. “Thanks Narumi, for everything.”

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

-Three Months Later-

She wasn’t going to act like it got better overnight. Recovery was an endlessly long and winding road that she never really quite saw the end of. But if for once it would lessen the aches and pains that seemed to always grow in her chest whenever her mind started to wander then she would take it. She would keep fighting. Forever if she had to. Because she was worth that.

She didn’t quite know whenever the friends started coming into play, just that at some point she started trying to actually eat dinner in the mess hall rather than holed up in her room. And one day Narumi trotted his way in and plopped down at the same table across from her and with that the rest of the officers seemed to file right in. At first it was hard to trust people because she thought they were only there to get closer to Narumi. But eventually things didn’t start to feel like too much of a threat anymore. Like life wasn’t entirely out to get her.

As for the other side of things however, the elephant in the room, one of the first times she ever saw Tae again was months later. She had largely tried to avoid her during group training, not wanting to fall back on what felt like a lifetime of recovery. Afraid to allow herself to miss her for even one second longer. The one time she couldn’t avoid her though was the quarterly eastern division conference. Whenever the cold weather had long since passed and spring was finally starting to set in.

Three months and she was finally starting to get color back into her face. Three months and the deep gashes in her arm were slowly fading to be just shadows. Three months and here she was, finally not hiding around every corner and instead sat at one of the tables in the courtyard surrounded by the sea of 1st and 3rd division bickering officers. Rivalry still alive and well.

Her eyes trailed on Narumi and Hoshina mostly, the smallest little smirk tugged on her face as she listened to the two argue. Even though she was one of the only ones to know that he only bickered with him so much because he was loosely trying to avoid catching feelings of his own. He denied it, but she believed he was already long past that. She actually knew things about people now. They actually trusted her, with more than just their lives on the battlefield, they trusted her with their secrets too.

At any rate though she was hardly paying attention, sat back with her elbows against the table and head tilted back like she was tracking the clouds. The casual uniform of the DF unzipped with the standard white t-shirt underneath just to feel the breeze. Until she heard something that caught her ear a bit more than the usual cat fight did. “The only title your first platoon leader’s gonna have is the ‘Whore of the Defense Force.’” She hardly needed to look up to see who it was directed towards, eyebrows furrowing as she peered downwards from the sky and let her eyes scan the shocked faces of her own division and the laughs and jeers from the third.

“That’s too far!” Narumi practically growled, the first time she had ever really seen him entirely 100% angry. She watched the hands of her other platoon leaders dart forward to hold him back before her eyes found the amused ones of the culprit.

“The hell did you just call her?!” Another familiar voice rang out through the crowd, meanwhile she stayed lounged backwards with the same bored expression on her face besides the quirk of one of her eyebrows lifting. Though she could only feel her own lips upturning in a small smile the moment she saw that same pink head of hair emerging forward, fist drawn and slamming into the face of one of her own officers. “And if Ashiro asks about your new black eye I’ll make sure she knows exactly how you earned it too.”

“Whore of the Defense Force? How old are you? Twelve?” She tried to brush off with a little roll of her eyes. However that same pinkened flare began to spread on her cheeks occupied by the same feeling of that little clench in her chest the moment Tae whipped around to finally face her. A little grin of her own forming on her lips next. “Just whenever I thought you weren’t going to be my knight in shining armor anymore.” She teased lightly as Tae waltzed her way over towards her with a shy flush on her own cheeks.

“Old habits die hard, I guess.” She chuckled lightly, gesturing towards the empty spot next to Rin as if to ask for permission. Her heart only swelling the moment she nodded in response. “How have you been?”

“I think, oddly enough, I'm a lot better.” Rin admitted as she glanced down at her hands clasped in her lap. It felt so weird to say at first, like she didn’t know who she was without her pain, or that she was just sitting… waiting for the catch, waiting to find out what else was wrong. It definitely scared her, but for now she was content to just enjoy feeling normal, for once in her life. “I was in the hospital for a couple weeks after Narumi took me to psych just to, you know, try and get regulated. And then I started seeing a therapist multiple times a week, started working with a psychiatrist and found out that the neurotransmitters in my brain were actually supremely out of whack.” She explained with a little chuckle that thankfully Tae echoed with one of her own.

“Even I could’ve told you that.” She snickered, her own hands almost twitching as she sat with her elbows resting on the table, twitching as if they wanted to reach out to Rin’s. “For what it’s worth… I’m really proud of you though. And I wish I could’ve been there. I know you probably needed me and-”

“Hey, no… don’t do that.” Rin whispered in a softened voice, and it felt like forever that she had been waiting to be the one to comfort her for once. Reaching out to place a soft hand against her cheek as she tucked a stray strand of pink hair behind her ear, and she felt that same clench in her chest whenever she felt Tae instinctively leaning into it. “Don’t beat yourself up for that, you did what you had to do. You saved me, multiple times, not just that one time in the bathroom.”

Tae let the smallest smile tug on her lips, finally letting herself lift up a hand to place over top of Rin’s, the familiarity of their fingers sliding together perfectly. “You saved me too.” She murmured with a little sigh as she carefully pulled Rin’s hand towards her lips, brushing the softest kiss against her knuckles that finally didn’t look so bruised. “And I missed you like hell… honestly, I-I kept not seeing you at training and- a-always kept thinking of the worst-” She admitted, the slightest quiver creeping into her voice causing Rin’s expression to only grow softer as she slid an arm around her shoulders.

“Hey, come here.” This time it was Tae’s turn to finally fall into Rin’s arms, letting out a heavy and shaking sigh into her shoulder that seemed like she was holding back so much more. “I’ve got you… I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere, baby.” She whispered, letting her arm curl around her head to hold her right against her shoulder, running her fingers through her soft pink hair.

Tae only let a few tears out, she was never one for crying in front of people either but Rin always had a habit of bringing out her soft spot… just like it was vice versa. “Ummm, I… I know we can’t do the whole girlfriend thing anymore but- maybe… maybe I could still see you and- we could be friends?” She questioned, only squeezing Rin tighter right whenever she thought she was going to pull away. “Like, actual friends? Not friends with benefits or like, those exes that say they’re gonna be friends but then never speak again.”

Rin let out a tiny little giggle as she placed a soft kiss to the side of her head, “I think… I’d like that.” She spoke with a tiny smile, not letting herself pull away until she felt Tae’s grip loosening, and even then she kept her hands placed softly against her cheeks. “Best friends and rivals?”

“Deal.” Tae flushed, hands settled against her waist, curled into the fabric of her jacket. “Besides, I was kind of missing you kicking my ass in joint training anyways.” She chuckled lightly as she let herself blow out a heavy sigh of relief while resting her head against Rin’s shoulder.

“Hey, you’ve gotta give yourself more credit than that… I didn’t always kick your ass. It was a solid 60:40 ratio.” Rin remarked as she leaned against hers, softly sliding her fingers through Tae’s as well.

“More like 75:25… and I really need you to go harder on me this year too because these rookies are fucking insane. And I’m not just talking about their personalities either.” She huffed almost nervously, and for a moment Rin nearly saw an old part of herself within her. The part of herself just six months ago that would send herself into fits if she ever even thought about being stuck at where she was at.

She never wanted Tae to ever once have to feel that way. So as long as she was alive, she was going to make sure she never did.

“Damn, it’s really the people who are the greatest that’re the hardest on themselves, isn’t it?” She repeated the same words Tae had said to her right back at her, and with just the quickest glance down at her while she squeezed her hand it almost looked like she was holding back tears.

They held that position for just a while longer, the rest of the world almost seeming to fade away. The courtyard had long since cleared, and they were probably supremely late to whatever official event was next. But she was okay with it. She’d take the worst punishment in the entire world if it meant she could make Tae feel just as safe as she had made her feel. It was all worth it. It would all be worth it. She had to believe that.

Ultimately the sound of someone clearing their throat from behind them caused the two to pop up with glowing red cheeks as they whipped around to face their two captains. Before they could even stammer out conjoined apologies though Mina only let out a tiny chuckle and held up a hand as if to tell the two to relax, “At ease, I think you two are adorable. But-”

“We can only let you two take so much of a private personal ‘break’ before the higher-higher ups start to bitch at us.” Narumi blurted out immediately causing Mina to let out a little groan as she rolled her eyes.

“Sorry captains, we’ll uhhh- we’ll go ahead and head back.” Tae remarked, cheeks still as red as roses as she stood up to extend a hand to help Rin up to her feet as well.

“Nakanoshima, should I, by any chance, arrange an extra car to pick you up from Ariake instead of you coming back with the rest of us tonight?” Mina wondered smoothly as she let her eyes sweep between the two platoon leaders with a knowing little smirk.

“Ummm… I-I mean I-” Tae looked like she could’ve melted right then and there as she shot a nervous look towards Rin, squeezing her arm as if to ask silent permission.

“Yeah, th-that would be amazing.” Rin said with a bright smile forming on her face, already seeing one just as big tugging on Tae’s as well.

“I can do that.” Mina added with another quiet snicker before glancing back towards Narumi. “You two go ahead and head back, I wanna talk to Shinonome in private for a second.”

“O-Oh…” Rin stammered as she could already feel her heart plummeting, Tae giving her arm just the smallest reassuring squeeze next before slipping away once she got her nod of approval, “You’re good, I’ll catch up with you later.”

“She’s not in trouble, you guys can relax.” Mina reassured the two, earning a few sighs in relief in response as Tae and Narumi began to make their way back inside and while Rin let a hand fly to her chest with a grateful sigh as well. “Geez, I don’t know why everybody thinks I’m gonna yell at them the second I ask them to talk to me.”

“With all due respect, Captain, you are a little bit scary.” Rin admitted with her nervous little flush growing.

“My wife’s even scarier.” She remarked with another little chuckle. “Anyways… I really just wanted to check in with you and see how you were doing because I know you’ve kind of been hiding for the past few months?” As usual… she didn’t miss a beat.

“Guilty.” Rin admitted with an embarrassed little sigh as she anxiously chewed on her bottom lip. “In my defense though I was in the hospital for at least two of those weeks and then Narumi had me benched from missions for at least two more months which really wasn’t fun but… I-I think as much as I hate to admit it I needed it.”

“You know, I think that might just be the most difficult thing for all of us officers to admit… whenever we need a break or we need help or- anything like that. So in a way you’re better than a lot of us.” Her expression softened, a rare side of Mina that not a ton of people really saw. Rin had seen it occasionally, in passing glances during joint training or conferences, she always seemed to be checking in on her. Even whenever she herself was trying to convince herself that nothing was wrong. “I also wanted to say that I’m really proud of you.”

Rin’s hormones must have been way out of whack, because that would be the only thing to explain why every nice thing coming from anybody’s mouth made her feel like she was going to cry. In a way she felt like it was a release, the freedom to cry whenever and in front of whoever she wanted to. But also, for the longest time she had only cried because she was in pain, because she was angry… but deep down all of that anger was just simply thinly disguised pain. “Thank you, Captain Ashiro… that- that means… so much coming from you. Your division’s really lucky to have you.” She said with a loosely tearful smile just as she felt Mina gently laying a comforting hand on her upper arm.

“I think whenever you become captain your division’s going to be really lucky to have you too. And I have no doubt that you will one day… become captain.” Mina voiced with that same encouraging little smile, and if anything was going to cause her to break down it was that. “But- because I know healing isn’t linear and things aren’t going to be perfect 24/7, I want you to know that you can talk to me. About anything, any time… don’t be afraid to reach out, okay? Promise me?”

Rin’s vision was a blurry mess at this point, sniffling and nodding as she tried to blink away the tears that were finally ones of relief. “C-Can I hug you?” She wondered with a shaking hand that she lifted to try and wipe at her eyes.

She didn’t think those fiery eyes of Mina’s had ever looked so gentle before as she nodded, “Of course, you don’t have to ask.”

“Thank you… thank you, thank you.” She repeated those same two words, wondering if there would ever be a time where they would ever be enough. Even though she knew there wouldn’t be. She owed them everything, Tae, Narumi, Mina, every single one of her fellow platoon leaders. They had saved her. In every sense of the word. The tiniest sob fell from her throat the moment she wrapped her arms around her, hiding her face in her shoulder as she felt Mina tugging her in as well. “For- For everything, thank you… you saved my life. You all did.”

“Hey, you gotta give yourself a little bit of credit too. You saved your own life too, and that’s the most important life you’re ever going to save.” Mina remarked as she gently rubbed those same soothing circles into her back.

They stood in that hug for a while, Mina’s only care in the entire world at that moment being to take care of whoever needed it the most. Rin absolutely hated that she was that person, but she was getting more okay with admitting it. She was absolutely screwed up, incredibly neurotic, with the abandonment issues of the century. But she was trying. She was trying her absolute hardest. And for now she was okay with that.

A/N: I’M FREEEEEEE I’M FINALLY FREE… and unsure of what to do with myself because i’ve seriously put an ungodly amount of myself into this 😅 however that being said i am HARDLY done writing rin & her future gf’s story yet so please stay tuned!!

i know i’ve asked about a million times BUT i’ve been sort of vague on how so if you DO want to be added to a taglist of my future kn8 content please shoot me a comment below saying that you do 🫶 i don’t want to bug anybody so i won’t add anybody unless you let me know it’s okay! (sorry if i’m being annoying about that i just have anxiety and will most likely be tagging you in nsfw stuff occasionally and don’t want to do that if it makes anyone uncomfortable 😭) (also should go without saying too but because of the same reasons 18+ ONLY PLEASE!) ANYWAYS i really hope you loved this absolute conglomerate of a prequel! 🩵

Credits: divider by @strangergraphics

Taglist: @iceclew @genxnarumi

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