#nothing and go nowhere and not talk to anyone and not do my medication bc i wont have insurance if i dont go to work bc i wont have the job

[the-hanged-mans-ghost]

I'm looking for advice/wanna ask something, if anyone has the energy to respond. I want to start this off by saying I'm by no means a 'new' system, I've had dissociative issues and various alters for years, but I was in heavy denial for a long time, and I've only just recently started accepting what I'm a part of. That being said I don't know much about the terminology/how to talk about being a system as I haven't ever really looked into that portion much until recently for obvious reasons. With that in mind, I apologize if I say anything that is incorrect/sounds dumb or if I use an incorrect term.

I've had semi-unreliable communication in general with different alters/fictives in the past; usually there's *some* level of 'communication' even if it's just in the form of emotions/feelings/brief vague thoughts that aren't 'mine', but with specific alters it's been different, there's been better communication/easier communication, etc, and at first this fictive was one of them. I could get responses semi sort of regularly if things were important(it wasn't as dicey as it's been with other alters in the past basically).

This is where a few trigger warnings and context come in ig, TW for mention of animal death, grieving, depression, etc.

So for context at the beginning of December, our dog started acting really sick out of nowhere. This was on top of my depression already acting up because it's winter/I'm broke/I don't socialize enough/I'm having issues with my weight/body appearance, etc. We spend the first 3 days of December, right before my birthday(literally 3 days before) bringing our dog to the vet back and forth, spending literal thousands to give her the medications she needed to maybe have a tiny chance of making it through. She fought her way this long we figured we'd give her the chance to recover instead of putting her down. At the vet during her blood transfusions I had one of the worst episodes/feelings I've ever had related to stress/dissociation. Nothing felt real, I was sick to my stomach, I was swaying so bad I nearly fell when I stood, my head was spinning and I felt like I was going to pass out and throw up simultaneously. I was so out of it my mom (ex nurse) checked my pulse bc she thought I was having another heart episode(I wasn't). The weird thing was I couldn't hear anyone in my head. Usually when I'm really stressed I can hear someone kinda muffled( Usually more emotions/fleeting thoughts kinda communication than actual talking, but usually there's something). I couldn't hear or feel anything from anyone.

Honeybee passed the third night we brought her home, in my mothers arms while my partner and I were downstairs. We went upstairs and said our goodbye's and everyone but me cried. I had this mental barrier of 'I have to be strong' and 'I can't let them see me break down, I have to be there for everyone' on such a strong degree I just stood there and stared. I felt sick and spacey, but I didn't cry, and I felt alone.

It's been a month now and I haven't really heard anything from the headmates I had somewhat ok-ish 'communication' with, and idk, I just.. I don't know what happened? I've been through these things before, but this felt like it hit so much harder, and then followed up by the 'radio silence' so to speak I feel really off about it, and I guess I just wanted to know if anyone's ever experienced something similar? And how they worked through it? I already go to therapy, but my dr isn't a specialist in dissociative disorders by any means, but I could probably talk to her about it, but I'm not sure how much that would do. I mainly just wanted to see if anyone else has a shared experience, or something similar, and if there was a way I could maybe like.. reach out or something? idk, I just worry about them in a way? I saw a post talking about how you're still a valid system even is *list of x things here* and one was along the lines of 'even if you're not communicating well right now' or something and it hit something deep inside me I didn't think it would and I started bawling so??? Idk, any positive advice/opinions would be greatly appreciated..

[gutsfics]

Tobias should have been a canon LI. Where is the Open Heart Book 3 rewrite that the we need? If someone ever kickstarts this project ILW style, I will be the first to donate. I was rereading the series. I got to Book 3 and I had to stop. The characters deserved better. The series deserved so much better. The Open Heart fandom deserved better. There was so much more that PB could have done with the characters if they cared about the player experience. OH was one of Pixelberry's best series and they let it die in the most disappointing way possible. Anyone who is willing to give the story a better ending deserves the Choices fandom's support. It's been ages since we have had a real romance arc on this app.

im fine w Tobias not being a canon LI as i personally headcanon him as aromantic & have him in a queerplatonic relationship w my LOA mc, Reigan, but like other than that HUGE agree

and now i'm gonna use this ask as a reason to talk about what all i would change of book 3 lmao thank u <3

so first of all, there's really no reason for Harper to be part of the diagnostics team besides "whoah oh noeses Ethan is talking with his ex whoopsie oopsie i hope he doesn't fall back in love with her!!!!!1!!111!!!" (which goes nowhere, iirc MC doesn't ever talk really to him about their jealousy) and a few nice friendship moments between her and MC when Tobias and Ethan are being dumb at each other (like when you can choose to side w either E or T during an argument OR ask Harper if she wants to get coffee- i genuinely love that part so much). so i would change it so that instead of the opening on the diagnostics team being because Baz is leaving (which also had no reason to happen), but because Ethan took too long to find a replacement for June

imo it would have been more interesting if Bloom had used Ethan taking the whole 3-month closure of Edenbrook to decide on a new team member as an excuse to try and get more hands on with the DT. so like right after Ethan, Baz and MC sit down the first day back he should have just showed up w Tobias & made that new rule about voting on cases. i did like the feud between Bloom and Ethan though, the writers just majorly dropped the ball there. and kept dropping it the whole book.

I'd also remove all of the parts where the MC just straight up ditches work to go play with their friends. it felt so wrong that the MC fought so hard to get to the place where they're at just for them to blow of work every five seconds bc Jackie and Sienna want to go shopping or Bryce wants to drive a fancy car or whatever. or i'd like change it so it happens on days off or after their shift is over.

+ the diamond scene in ch1 where MC and their friends are enjoying all of the amenities that Bloom added for employees, I would have loved the option to be more wary of them, a lot of them seemed like a distraction, like the video games in the breakroom

like imagine ur surgeon being late to ur life-saving surgery bc they were too busy playing mario kart or whatever

i would say there should have been another Big Important Disaster but honestly Rafael has already been through enough with the first two book's Big Disasters being somewhat focused on him

also the fuckin uuuuuuh. patient suing Ethan over medical malpractice plotline?

100% should have been Ethan's fault.

having Naveen actually be the one who did it feels kinda.... racist??? a little bit????? like god forbid PB's Specialest White Boy do something wrong and face the consequences for it

i have more qualms with this book but i am gonna be honest: i straight up do not remember most of the book. it was such a nothing end to such a good series

i did like being able to do that team building exercise w jackie's group. Dr Gary Garison, my beloved, i'm so glad i got to see you for one single scene this whole book

[autisticcassandracain]

Reverse Robins but we include the Robin Collective has been eating my BRAIN bc it'd completely change the meaning and purpose of Robin.

So like. We all know Gotham is a shithole, and the leadership cares more about lining their own pockets than anything else. On the rare occassions they decide to take a look at the city, they sure don't look at the Narrows, the poor parts of Gotham. As a result, it's a hotbed for villain prototypes who, without a vigilante to rage against, just rage against the general population. Batman isn't a thing yet, and everyone in the Narrows knows nobody is going to help them but themselves.

Duke's parents are the victims of one of those proto-villains, and he spends time bouncing from foster home to foster home, quickly learning that if he doesn't help himself and the kids there, nobody will, being consumed by rage as he watches more and more kids pile in as nobody does anything to fight against the proto villains, regular criminals, and just general shittiness of the Narrows.

So he does something about it. It's pathetically easy to get the younger kids to trust in someone dressed in bright colours calling himself a superhero. Is he one? He doesn't know. All he knows is he's full of rage and wants to do something. So he steals food and distributes it to kids and families he knows need it, ferrets the kids in abusive foster homes away and cares for them in a secret location, foils as many proto villain plans he can, and finds that others join him. Mostly kids from the Narrows, who help ca ree for the kids with nowhere else to go, who set up support networks so less of them have to go into crime to survive, who overwhelm the proto villains with sheer numbers. As the movement grows, they become known as the one force of good in the poorer parts of Gotham, and kids from the richer parts, wanting to help and frustrated at seeing their parents do nothing, join them.

By the time Bruce comes back to Gotham to play Batman, he finds a thriving vigilante community made out of kids. It's impressive, and they're undeniably doing good, but it's also undeniably not sustainable. Proto villains are escalating to true villains, and casualties start coming in; hiding kids with nowhere to go works in the short term, but long term, they need documentation, better clothes, better homes, and, you know, actual parents. The Collective can't go on as it is, but without something to replace them, nobody is willing to stand down. And after so long on their own, they don't trust anyone.

And thus begin the negotiations. There is no real leader of the Collective, but as one of the first, Duke is one of the de facto leaders, and Batman seeks him out. With Duke as a representative, Batman and the Collective talk. At first, the collective thinks he's full of hot air, but Bruce Wayne's money starts pooring into the Narrows, setting up facilities that make aid easier to find and distribute, cracking down on the corruption in the foster system, setting up food banks and homeless shelters and free medical care with clean needles, etc. And Batman helps to fight the villains, and the Collective finds their casualties diminishing.

It's far from perfect, but it's steps in the right direction, and the Collective finds itself in the stage where it can stop its more dangerous activities, and become a more traditional community aid incentive. And it's willing to do so, but they don't trust things not to go back to the way they were once Batman takes his eyes off them, when he's gotten what he wants.

So Duke proposes making a Robin Batman's partner, and that's how he became the first Robin. It changes Robin's role from partner to Batman to a reminder to take care of the poorer and forgotten parts of the city, and a beacon of trust for those people. And if Batman breaks that trust, it's Robin's responsibility to stop him, or to turn his back on him and fight for the people.

CANNOT stop thinking about how this difference in framing and responsibility changes the Robin legacy mantle.

[animeomegas]

MY FELLOW ANON ARE VIOLATING MY EMOTIONS TODAY 😂 god I’m acc crying. Your writing is amazing. I’m gonna combat the sadness with a wholesome thing of them finding a pup in a bin (or something) a few months after the loss of the first pup (Neji is currently shut down entirely) is like “lol gimme”. Proceeds to take the pup home, put it in his nest scent the lil bean (gender is your choice) and just be like “yeah this mine now”. Any nay sayers are ignored bc it’s still his baby (maybe almost like his pup reincarnated 👀👀) regardless of how baby was obtained. Idk I just think my guy needs some positivity after life kicking the ever loving shit out of him

This is beautiful and you’re right, Neji deserves the world, but I’ll settle with a quiet life and some happiness for my boy!

Okay, so things haven’t been…good with Neji since you had to let your pup die to save him.

It has been two months and still he lays in his nest every day, sometimes crying, sometimes whining, but mostly just staring at nothing. He had incorporated a bunch of baby stuff (blankets, toys etc.) into his nest before he went to the hospital, in order to make his pup feel more at home in the nest when he was supposed to bring them back. You had tried to take them out to stop him having to be confronted with what happened in his safe space, but Neji almost attacked you for doing so, so you let him keep them.

But it’s very concerning when he spends hours at a time just stroking the pup's blankets and staring at nothing.

So, you decide to take Neji on a walk to get him out of the house. It would be his first time leaving the house since the funeral.

You go at night time, because Neji is still refusing any contact with anyone he knows and this way he’s less likely to be confronted when he isn’t ready for it. To make extra sure that you can be alone, you decide to walk around the edge of the woods around one of the quieter training grounds.

Neji doesn’t speak much, but he doesn’t whine or cry either, and the night air brings a little colour to his cheeks, and you’re so happy at the small improvements. It doesn’t matter how long it ends up taking him to feel better, you’ll be here with him the whole way.

…

“I was thinking about cooking something special next week,” you make idle conversation, not expecting Neji to reply. “It’s our anniversary after all, do you have any preference?”

Neji stops walking suddenly. His shoulders are tense.

“Neji?”

He hushes you harshly.

“I can hear…”

Without another word of warning, Neji makes his way a little further into the trees. You follow him, confused and worried.

“Byakugan!” he calls, scanning the area. He gasps as he scans over a nearby bush and immediately he drops to his knees beside it.

“Neji?” you ask, now more than a little concerned. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

You watch as Neji pulls something out of the bush. He turns around with a bundle in his arms.

“It’s a pup,” Neji says, obviously shocked. You can’t blame him, you’re feeling more than a little shocked yourself. What on earth was a pup doing out here? “They’re freezing. Give me your jacket.”

Without hesitance, you quickly slip your jacket of and hand it to Neji who promptly bundles up the pup in it and brings them to his chest. The pup is making small whimpering noises that had been almost impossible to hear over the wind. Neji must have hear them, thank goodness.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you,” Neji coos to the pup. “You’re safe now, I'll take you home and make it better, I promise.”

“We need to get them to the hospital asap," you say, shaking your head. "They must be freezing and they look underweight as well. We’re not mednin, Neji.”

“Our home is closer.”

“Neji…”

“We need to make sure they’re warm,” he argues. “We can bring them home and alert a medic to make a home visit.”

You look at the earnest look on his face and know that he won’t back down, and now isn’t a time for arguments anyway.

“Okay,” you swallow nervously. “We’ll bring them home.”

…

You bring the pup back to your home and before you can protest, Neji brings them into his nest with a mumbled ‘they’ll be warm in there’.

Neji bundles himself and the pup up in the corner of the nest, turning on a little heater beside him, and tucking the pup into his shirt to share body warmth.

“We’ll get you nice and warm, it’s okay, you’re safe, I won’t let anyone harm you,” he whispers while stroking their cheek with a finger. The pup wriggles around, already looking more energetic, and starts mouthing at Neji’s chest.

“Are you hungry?” Neji laughs softly before turning to you. “Go and heat up a bottle for the pup, all the supplies are in the… the nursery.”

You nod dumbly and do as you’re asked, astounded at how much life is in Neji’s eyes. It’s the most life you’ve seen from him in months. But you can’t help but worry. What if Neji gets attached and you can’t keep the pup? Of course, you want nothing more than to keep the baby, it almost seems too good to be true that she literally fell into both your lives at this trying time, but what if it is too good to be true? What if they’re sick? Or their parents are looking for them? Or… something else. Neji doesn’t deserve another heartbreak, and you don’t want to destroy the small amount of progress he’s made in the last month.

But for now, all you can do is heat up the bottle.

…

“Here, it’s a good temperature, I already checked,” you pass Neji the bottle. He checks it again anyway and you can’t help but smile at how overprotective and parental he's being. It's so bittersweet to see him like this.

“Here you go sweetheart, just for you,” Neji smiles, cradling the pup as they latch onto the bottle with fervour. “Shh, shh, shh, slow down, it’s not going anywhere.”

Neji feeds the pup and then burps them, and you pretend you can’t see him smiling when he notices that they are starting to smell like him. You need to know you can keep her before you let him get even more attached.

“I’m going to send a clone for a medic, now.”

The room became tense all at once.

“They’re fine, I’m looking after them,” Neji protests.

“I know, and you’re doing a good job, but we still need a medic, Neji.”

Neji holds the pup more tightly to his chest, tucking an extra blanket around them. He's using the special blanket you had got commissioned for your pup. You can feel your heart break at the sight. He's already attached. Now you just have to hope you can keep them. For his sake.

“I don’t want them to take the pup away like last time,” Neji admits softly. "I can look after them, I won't let anything happen like last time, I promise. They'll be safe, we don't need a medic."

“We need to know their primary and secondary gender, omega, and we need to make sure they aren’t sick after being left in the woods…”

Neji hesitates but nods his consent in the end after you explain that your pup could become ill if left untreated. You don’t tell him that you are also sending a clone to the Hokage. Naruto will be able to grant you and Neji the right to keep the pup, and you hope that as Neji’s friend, he’ll be able to see how much he needs this.

…

You have to move Neji and the pup downstairs to wait for the medic, because Neji would not appreciate someone unknown seeing his nest he made for his pup. He’s not expecting Naruto to show up as well so you go to the door to intercept and prep them both.

“Thank you so much for coming, Naruto, I can’t tell you how much this means to me and Neji,” you say, hugging him as he walks through the door.

“I’m going to do everything I can,” he promises. “If the medic finds signs of long-term neglect, I can take the parental rights away from the biological parents straight away, even if I don't know who they are, and transfer you the rights.”

Your face visibly brightens, but Naruto continues.

“But if the only injuries are from laying in the forest for a few hours, I’ll have to try and find the parents first, because the child may have been taken from them by force, when the pup was otherwise a healthy baby being looked after sufficiently. In that circumstance, I’ll have to take the child back with me and put them in foster care until a three-month window has passed. And if the parents are found…”

“I know,” you sigh. “Let’s just get this done as soon as possible.”

The three of you walk into the living to see Neji cradling the pup tightly against his chest.

“Hey Neji,” Naruto greets softly with a sad smile. “I haven’t seen you around for a while.”

Neji tenses upon seeing Naruto.

“Naruto? Why are you here?” Neji clearly misinterprets the situation, holding the pup even more tightly and turning accusatory eyes against you. “Why did you bring him here?”

“I’m here to determine whether the pup was abandoned or kidnapped to the best of my abilities, once we have that done, we can decide how things are going to happen, okay?”

“How do you decide that?” Neji asks with distrustful eyes.

“The medic will give them a check-up, completely routine, I promise,” Naruto speaks with a soft voice like he’s talking to a cornered animal. Well, you look at Neji for a moment who is coiled as tightly as spring, he’s not far off.

It takes about five minutes for you to convince Neji to let go of the pup and hand them to the mednin, and then the next fifteen minutes involve you holding him in your arms to stop him wrestling the pup back from the mednin.

And then, rather ominously, the mednin pulls Naruto aside to talk.

Neji is shaking in your arms.

“It’s okay, calm down, Neji,” you try to comfort him.

“I can’t-“ Neji chokes, hands fisting in your shirt. “He has our pup, you let them take our pup.”

You don’t bother to correct him on his use of ‘our’, knowing it would only upset him more.

“I know baby, but they need to see that they’re healthy, nothing’s wrong, just breathe.”

Neji doesn’t take your advice.

"Last time they took them-"

"This isn't like last time, omega. Come one, try and settle down a little, that's it."

...

Naruto eventually walks back in, holding the pup securely, the mednin nowhere to be seen.

“So,” Naruto says seriously. And then his face breaks out into a wide grin. “Am I right in thinking you want to adopt?”

You can almost feel your relief in the air. Thanking every power that be for this stroke of luck. Losing this pup could have easily meant losing your mate, and the gravity of the situation all comes crashing down at once. Neji looks as though he is feeling much the same.

“Give me them,” he orders, arms out.

“Her,” Naruto corrects. “The mednin said she’s a female alpha.”

Tears start welling up in Neji’s eyes as he takes her. Their bio pup was a female alpha, too.

“Thank you,” he whispers to no one, holding his new pup as tightly as he dared. “I’ve got you now, you’re safe and sound with me, I won’t let anything hurt you ever again.”

Naruto slips out of the house without a fuss, dropping the mednin’s recommendations for feeding the underweight pup on the coffee table.

...

You and Neji take your new pup upstairs and bundle her back into the nest. Neji lays down with her, stroking her cheek as he watches her sleep.

“You need to get some rest too, omega,” you suggest, running a hand down Neji’s back.

“Guard?” he asks in response.

“Yes," you smile at his protective instincts. "I’ll guard the nest while you sleep, I promise.”

“Okay, alpha…” Neji settles down, still with one hand resting on the pup. “But if I don’t wake up when she cries, wake me… I want to be the one to feed her.”

You laugh gently, “Of course, now get some sleep. I’ll guard you both.”

[simplych4i]

Spins my wheel of mercs to headcanon

It falls off and theres a secret wheel beneath it, reading only Ms Pauling

Let's get going!

-

Ms Pauling, as the entire damn fandom has agreed, has extreme Lesbian energy. Yes we see her planning outings in Expiration Date but I honestly think she was thinking it more friend like, while Scout was being a little idiot with a crush. Plus it's probably not nice being alone for all her missions, so having a dork friend to make you laugh on them is great.

Yknow how they'd probably need a cleanup crew for all their damn missions and shit? Yeah, she's the cleanup crew. The one woman cleanup crew. It's why she has one day off a year, there needs to be ample time to tidy up the mess those idiots leave behind.

Will cringe at the Medic's little creations, but actively compliment the skills she notes in them. Whether it crosses a moral boundary or not doesn't matter, it always does down in Teufort. So instead she'll just compliment it, point out things she noticed, and, if the doctor is looking for insight, will point out things that worry her. Yes, this surgery is wonderful, but don't you think you put it too close to these organs? Or smth like that. Obviously doesn't have a medical degree like he does, but hey, he asked for her opinion.

She tends to personally arrive to deliver their supply shipments, aka the stuff they can't get from any nearby towns. She'll make sure everything is there, have very sparse conversation, before being off as soon as the transport is ready to leave.

This woman is. So tired. She likely stays up at night finishing things and ensuring nothing is missed, having to be the perfect employee that picks up all the slack. She needs more than one day off man. She needs a full 24 hours purely to sleep.

Might I point out she's probably fairly skilled, just like the mercs are? Of course, she's not one herself, but I'm saying she could be. She goes to the places the mercs had to tend to, and finishes off anyone missed. Those people likely are dangerous, considering that mercenaries are being sent to deal with them. Then you think they'd send someone with a desk job to clean up the mess? No, lady clearly knows what she's doing. Honorary Merc.

She has assassin skills, I think. Knowledge of lethal areas, does good with most weapons, had the capacity to pick locks, and such. (She never picks locks, she's very fumbly and forgets this skill most of the time.)

Spends her one day off with the other mercs. This tends to result in a day of her falling asleep on the lounge couch and everyone tucking her in and leaving little snacks and drinks and stuff nearby bc they know she needs rest. If she doesn't pass out she's talking with someone.

Feels grateful to be working with an all male team, doesn't wanna be unprofessional. Spy made her panic a little when she first presented fem, but it was communicated well that Spy was Androsexual and in fact not interested in anyone feminine presenting. They're besties who hype each other up and call each other 'girlfriend.' Pauling had to explain this was a friend thing and not, in fact, a relationship.

I feel like if the mercs were going down she'd go with em. Oh you're abandoning them out there in the middle of nowhere? Cool lemme deliver this last shipment and not come back on the transports

This is her found family and she wants to stay.

Hnnn

Just thinking of her <3

[yong-bokk]

all in²

pairing: special agent ! lee felix x medical examiner ! reader

genre: f for fluff and felix

warnings: mentions of dead bodies and a ghost.. or a murderer... or a ghost murderer

welcome back to skz criminal investigation division !!

today

i’d like to introduce you to special agent lee felix yongbok ( ⁎ᵕᴗᵕ⁎ ）

he’s one of the two agents with the prettiest long blond hair in the division in the whole wide world

also has the prettiest !! freckles !! that looks like stardust sprinkled all over his cheeks

to conclude: felix looks like a tiny ball of sunshine,

especially when he smiles ,,

BUT he can kick ass real hard ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ

very good with weapons and combat in general

he also has the deepest voice which comes in handy during interrogations

“stand up and show your skills you know the drill”

+12983742 points for intimidation >:

don’t u worry though

bc he’s nothing but a cuddle bug and the sweetest ball of fluff to his loved ones ‧⁺✧(⁙´ワ`⁙)⁺

and that will include u

ESPECIALLY u

but first ! u’ll have to meet him

so u, my precious reader, are the new medical examiner in the office yay!!!

it has only been a week since u started ur new job and u’re still trying to adjust

but thankfully u have seungmin, the senior medical examiner and also ur new partner, who has been so so helpful and friendly

u’ve been so busy during ur first week with work and all the transfer administrations that u haven’t got the chance to formally meet everyone

so far u’ve only met, well, seungmin

and the unit chief, bang chan, who is very friendly too

but one day !!

an unfamiliar face showed up at the medical examiner’s office |ω・)

GUESS WHO

i’m going to give u a clue

long blond hair, prettiest freckles, and a BLINDING smile

YES

FELIX (♡ > ◡ < )

he came to ur office to fetch a report from seungmin

and that’s when he saw u for the first time

u were bagging up a few articles of clothing to send to forensics

felix never thought anyone could make a lab coat look so pretty

but THERE U WERE LOOKING LIKE AN ANGEL

u: exist

felix’s lovestruck braincells: (⸝⸝⸝ᵒ̴̶̷ ｡ ᵒ̴̶̷⸝⸝⸝)(⸝⸝⸝ᵒ̴̶̷ ｡ ᵒ̴̶̷⸝⸝⸝)(⸝⸝⸝ᵒ̴̶̷ ｡ ᵒ̴̶̷⸝⸝⸝)

cue: felix embarrassing himself in front of u

“hi, i’m here to r-report”

?????????

u are ??????(・ ・ ? confused

bc the most beautiful person u’ve ever seen just popped out of nowhere and says he’s here to report?

what does he even have to reportksljflkasdf

“hi! uhm i’m sorry, report what?”

“the medical report….?”

????????????????what????????

“OHH u mean u’re here for the medical report? hold on”

……

out of his entire lifetime

his brain choses to be dysfunctional right there in front of u

felix, deep down inside: i want to. (」｡≧□≦)」 D I S SIPATE. (」｡≧□≦)」

“oh right y-yeah, for the burn victim”

u hand him a copy of the report u had prepared and walked him through some of the findings

“we found something in the victim’s ear but i think we haven’t heard back from the lab-“

“hey yn they ran out of the cookies u wanted- oh! (｡･o･｡)ﾉ hey felix!”

“h-hi seungmin”

seungmin looks at him weirdly bc ??? what was that

who is this and what have they done with felix, his giggly cuddlebug of a friend

ANYWAYS

after u finished going through everything, felix said thank u and bolted out of ur office so quick

chan: “u okay there, buddy? u look.. uh”

“……that’s exactly how i feel too”

since then on

he never stops thinking about u

also keeps reminding himself of how embarrassing he was and gets sad over it again • ʖ̯ • )

not that he knows but !! u keep thinking of him too

u’re a little sad that all u know about him is that his name is felix (he didn’t even tell u himself :c ) and that he’s one of the special agents in chan’s division

but u two don’t see each other again after that for awhile

the next time u saw him was when u got back to ur office after lunch break

felix was fetching another report from seungmin

and he was all smiley and giggly (❁´▽`❁)*✲ﾟ* with seungmin but the moment u walked into the room

he just smiles awkwardly at u and rushes out

u figured that he’s uncomfortable whenever u’re around

:(

and it was like that for a very long time

he’d come in with chan sometimes for the reports

and he’d be like buddy-buddy with seungmin but whenever u’re there he’s just hhshdfhshfgotta go

u wanted to be his friend too because he looks so lovely to be around :(

little did u know that he’s just shy because he likes u like A LOT and his brain just short circuits whenever u’re within his eyesight :(

u got felix going dumb da da dumb (sorry)

but stop being sad bc

here comes !! the twist to the plot !! (｡✧ᴗ✧｡)

one day

u were working late and we’re talking like LATE late because

(1) seungmin was out of office for a hearing, and

(2) suddenly 4 new bodies came into the office in a span of 2 hours?!@?!?!@# and u were currently in the brink of breaking down ；—；

but seungmin didn’t raise no quitter

with the power of coffee and anime by ur side, u started working through the bodies one by one

it’s a little past midnight now and u were quite sure the last light outside ur office turned off a couple hours ago and

u see

u could just leave and have seungmin work at it in the morning

but the caffeine in ur bloodstream said u wouldn’t be able to sleep once u get home anyway so

(๑•̀ㅂ•́)و back to work (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و

u were scraping something from the last victim’s nails when suddenly ??? the lights went off

ok let’s be real

u are ⁿᵒᵗ afraid

u work with dead bodies every. day. but it’s god knows what o’clock in the morning AND NOW it’s pitch black and u just hhhhSHDFHS

ur hand went into ur pocket to fish out ur phone but then u remembered that u left it to charge on ur table AT THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM

reader u dummy

u didn’t know how long u froze in that same spot bc ???u’re kinda afraid and u couldn’t see anything

but suddenly u heard the sound of glass shattering and someone’s groan and u thought

this is it this is ur END

seungmin is going to walk into this office tomorrow and find 5 bodies instead of 4

u crouched as a horrible attempt to hide from the ghost……….. or potential murderer…………. honestly u don’t know which one’s better (maybe bc the answer is NOT BOTH??!)

u were internally cursing about how u could’ve had a scalpel in hand for self protection but instead all u had with u was a goddamn TOOTHPICK when u felt something? or someone?touch ur shoulder

“hey-“

“p leasedon’t kill me i’m new here i really don’t know anything pleaseiwon’t sayanything to anyone”

“YN IT’S ME”

“THEY EVEN KNOW MY NAME ALREADYSDKFJSK I REALLY DON’T WANT TO D-“ Σ(ﾟДﾟ；≡；ﾟдﾟ)

“i’m not here to kill usdfskdfjs it’s me!! felix”

,,,,,,,,

felix? (･Θ･)

well

that was

,,,,,,,,embarrassing

“w-what are u doing here?”

“the electricity got cut off and i heard hyunjin say u’re working late and probably still down here so… (´ . .̫ . `) i came here to check on u”

u could barely make out his face in the dark but he was close enough u could see him smiling at u

the two of u just stayed there crouching on the ground and u were just about to say something when suddenly the lights flickered on again

( 〃．．) ohsldkfjs he’s so close and if he keeps smiling that lovely u swear u’ll combust

“are u gonna go home yet?”

“i-i’m not done yet”

“oh ! i’ll wait for u”

“WHAT no it’s late go home”

!!!!

“exactly! it’s late!! i’m not letting u go home at 3 in the morning by urself”

so u quickly finish and when u’re done u found felix nearly dozing off on ur table </3

how can a person be so CUTE ◕︿◕

he walked u home and offered u his jacket along the way

(wouldn’t take no for an answer)

it was a little awkward bc the two of u are just very very Shy

but u enjoyed his company

when u finally arrived at ur apartment,

the two of u just stood there for a little while, u fiddling with ur bag and him with his earring

“i-“ “hey-“

“sorry, u go first”

“i apologize for scaring u earlier…. whenever we meet i just always embarrass myself”

he mumbled the second half of his sentence and ur sleep-deprived brain couldn’t make out what he said but !! he looked so disappointed (っ◞‸◟c)

so u gave him a tiny hug

“no, thank you for checking up on me earlier and for walking me home”

:o

felix was bright red

shy shy felix shy

“no worries..” ⁄(⁄ ⁄•⁄ ⁄•⁄ ⁄)⁄ “i guess.. i uh- i’ll get going, yeah? see u tomorrow?”

“see u tomorrow, be safe”

felix waited until u went inside and then let out a giggle

u hugged him

this is the BEST day of his life

it doesn't even matter if his house is on the other side of the city

he’d walk u home every day if it means u would hug him again

bonus:

“thanks for walking me home again” (⌒⌣⌒ )

lix looked like he was about to ask u something

but all he could say is his usual “no worries”

u see

felix has been meaning to ask u for ur number for a WEEK now but he just couldn’t seem to get the words out of his head >:

he was just about to chicken out once again when u fished out ur phone and gave it to him

“u know… i’d say text me when u get home but i don’t have ur number”

smooth reader very smooth (＾⌒＾*)

he thanked the heavens he didn’t drop ur phone when typing in his number because boy was he SHAKING

the two of u stayed up all night texting and neither could stop smiling that day

[jasontoddiefor]

Summary: More of that Anakin gets stuck in the past and ends up dating Dooku bc my discord enables all my crack treated seriously ideas. Read on AO3.

Qui-Gon supposed that despite their circumstances, he was actually having fun. He had been sent all over the galaxy since his knighting and had hardly spent a minute at the Temple or with his old Master. Going on a mission with him again was refreshing and felt a little bit like coming home, even if Dooku looked about three seconds away from committing a felony.

“Hello, Master,” Qui-Gon greeted easily still, leaning against the entrance of his ship. “It’s nice to see you again.”

“I have missed you as well, Padawan,” Dooku replied and immediately marched past Qui-Gon towards the cockpit of the ship.

Qui-Gon only raised a brow as he watched his Master’s back disappear, then he turned to the second Jedi walking up the ramp of his ship. Master Nu smiled warmly at Qui-Gon and, once she had reached him, gave him a quick hug.

“I apologize for his fool manners,” Jocasta said. “The last three weeks have been unpleasant.”

Qui-Gon snorted. “You don’t have to pretend. I know how he can get.”

Dooku was an excellent teacher once he understood that my way or the highway would always result in Qui-Gon picking the highway. They had had their difficulties, Dooku’s approach towards the Force not meshing well with Qui-Gon’s. His general strictness had also not been much to Qui-Gon’s liking. It was good then that Qui-Gon could run off to Anakin to complain about his Master which usually resulted in getting a joined lesson. It had become a bit of a joke between him and his crèchemates that Qui-Gon had two Masters. Some had been jealous of course, Anakin Skywalker didn’t have his own Padawan and he was a skilled Knight, one of the Order’s best combatants, but most had taken it with good fun.

“I think I owe you an apology for not coming here faster, I had to drop Tahl off somewhere else first.”

Jocasta shook her head. “If anyone’s to blame, it’s Anakin for running off with our ship.”

Qui-Gon hadn’t quite wanted to believe it when the report came in. Anakin was protective of the Order, more so than any other Knight it seemed at times. His past was also shrouded in mystery with nobody knowing him before he had shown up at the Temple some odd sixteen years ago.  His circle of friend consisted mostly of Dooku’s circle of friends, though Qui-Gon was fairly sure that if they were forced to pick between Anakin and his ever grumpy Master, the decision would be an easy one. Anakin never gave the name of his Master, though he sometimes did quote him, a ridiculously pronounced High Coruscanti accent dropping from his lips. Despite all these secrets, however, Qui-Gon had never been given a reason to doubt Anakin. He was a good man, a good teacher, and a terrifyingly competent Shadow.

Not that Qui-Gon was supposed to know that, but Padawans usually knew what their Masters got up to and Dooku had taken plenty of unofficial missions with Anakin and Jocasta.

“What happened?” Qui-Gon asked once they got seated in the common area of the ship. Dooku was still at the ship’s helm, guiding them Force-knew where.

“We don’t know,” Jocasta replied. “One moment we were exploring the old temple, the next Anakin was on the ground and after…” She put her hands around her cup of tea. “He just took off with the ship. Dooku thinks Anakin had a vision but that look in his eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Anakin that angry. I just hope we arrive quick enough before he does anything he regrets.”

X

After a while, Dooku came out of the cockpit again and told them where they were heading next. His Master cut himself short where usually he could speak quite extensively. It was impossible to ignore how on edge he was. It was no surprise, Qui-Gon could feel himself get nervous as well. The three Jedi had been exploring a Sith Temple. If Anakin had come into contact with anything there, it could have warped his mind, tricked him. There was a reason most Shadows didn’t retire out of their own free will.

“He didn’t disable the tracker of the ship in his hurry,” Dooku said. “I have traced him and set course for one of the lesser-known spaceports on the planet.”

Anakin had a strange preference for smaller ports if he was in a hurry. It didn’t fit with his usual approach towards anything – namely always spring the trap – but to those that knew it, it made him at least somewhat predictable.

“He was here,” Dooku muttered once they were within reach of the port.

They were in the middle of nowhere on some backend Outer Rim planet where the Republic was more myth than reality. Anakin took a lot of missions on the Outer Rim, being invested in the area. It was probably because he was from somewhere around this area. Anakin’s Basic was accented. Not as much as it used to be, as Qui-Gon remembered it from his early childhood, but it was still there.

They landed their ship in the ugliest hanger Qui-Gon had ever seen, it being accompanied by an eerie silence. He got the feeling that he was missing something. There should be staff checking them, asking why they were heading here. Instead, they could just land their ship.

“Careful,” Jocasta muttered.

She too was scanning their surrounding for something unusual. Her hand on his shoulder was calming and Qui-Gon wished he could claim he wasn’t glad for it. He was a Knight, not a child anymore, but the Force felt off, like it was grieving and celebrating at the same time and Qui-Gon didn’t know what to make of it.

Once their ship had landed, they prepared themselves for everything, or so they thought.

When the ramp opened up, they were greeted by an almost empty hander shrouded in darkness. Once it lit up however-

Bodies.

All kinds of species, adults, dead on the ground and obviously cut down by a lightsaber. Qui-Gon thought he was going to be sick.

“Do you think Anakin-“ Qui-Gon began to speak, but didn’t dare continue.

“Come,” Dooku ordered and simply passed the bodies with a determination Qui-Gon wasn’t sure he should admire. As they crossed the empty hanger, Qui-Gon took in more of their surroundings. Besides the dead, he also saw medical equipment, cages and collars-

“Slave traders,” Qui-Gon muttered.

It didn’t make the carnage any better, but it still eased his mind a bit. Anakin hadn’t just gone on a mindless murder spree, turned mad from the Sith Temple. These people weren’t innocents, but they still hadn’t deserved such an ending.

At the very end of the empty hanger stood the ship Anakin had run away in. Dooku typed in the passcode to the ship and pretty much jumped inside as soon as the ship’s ramp allowed it. Qui-Gon hoped that Anakin was alright. He had always had a strong reaction to slavers – but again who could claim they didn’t? – but what they had found here at the docks had been a massacre. Anakin had shown no mercy as he’d slaughtered his way through the traders and that didn’t bode well.

Qui-Gon and Jocasta quickly followed Dooku, their lightsabers not ignited, but ready to jump into battle any second. This was decidedly not where Qui-Gon had imagined they’d end up.

They stepped past the common area which had been used only recently, a pot of cooked food still sitting on the counter, warm still. Jocasta signaled at Qui-Gon to be quiet as they continued on towards the cockpit of the ship.

Dooku, apparently not entirely lost to worry and all the other flickers of emotions Qui-Gon wasn’t privy to, glanced back at the two of them, then signaled that he was going to open the door.

Three. Two. One-

The moment Dooku opened the door, a strong Force push hit them that would have knocked them over had they not been prepared for it.

Qui-Gon caught a glance of golden hair and a gloved arm – it was Anakin alright. He was huddled in the far right corner of the room, wrapped in more blankets than Qui-Gon could count. He was staring at the three of them with wide-eyes, recognition only settling in just that moment.

“Shit,” Anakin cursed into the silence. “You are here.”

Before Qui-Gon or Jocasta could say a thing, Dooku had to say something. Typically for his Master, Dooku immediately began to retort with the sharpness of a blade.

“Yes, we are here after you ditched us in a Force-forsaken Sith temple! Do you have any idea-“

“Don’t shout at me,” Anakin retorted, interrupting Dooku. “You’ll wake her.”

“Wake who?” Qui-Gon asked and sidestepped Jocasta so he could get a better look at Anakin and the bundle of blankets that turned out to be less blanket and more person.

“That’s a child,” Qui-Gon blurted out before he could stop himself.

He felt like a Padawan again at this moment, caught in-between three Masters with no idea what was actually going on.

“Yeah,” Anakin replied and gently ran his fingers through the girl’s brown hair.

She had to be young and was fairly small as well. However, her face was very thin, she looked starved.

“Is that who you left for?” Jocasta asked.

“Yes. I saw what they were doing to her and- I can’t believe I forgot it. I thought that if I just focused on the Jedi, I could fix everything but they- They hurt her. They hurt her and I was nearly too late again.”

“Who is she?” Dooku spoke up again.

Qui-Gon glanced at his Master. He didn’t look so angry anymore, more concerned, and wary.

“What, you haven’t guessed yet?” Anakin sighed. He was so tired, the exhaustion was written all over his face. It reminded Qui-Gon of the times Anakin had knocked at their quarters in the middle of the night, haunted by nightmares he couldn’t speak about. Sometimes Qui-Gon had woken as well and the three of them had just sat on the sofa, a cup of tea in their hands, talking about nothing in particular. Other times Qui-Gon had only noticed that Anakin had come over to their place because the breakfast table was laid in the morning and Anakin already sitting at it, usually wearing one of his Master’s robes.

Qui-Gon didn’t know if Anakin had ever talked to a mind healer about his nightmares. It hadn’t been his place then, a child under Anakin’s care, but somebody should make sure that after all of this, Anakin talked to somebody.

“Her name is Shmi,” Anakin said and once more traced her cheek’s with his flesh hand. “Shmi Skywalker. She would have been my mother someday.”

Qui-Gon froze, thinking he had misheard, but all around them, the Force rang with truth, which he supposed only made things worse. He turned to look at his Master but Dooku didn’t look surprised at all, if anything, he was resigned-

He knew.

[initiumseries]

CAOS Part 3 - review

Uh, okay, so I think by now, we all know this show is terrible. Netflix gives showrunners a lot of creative freedom, and I think, for better writers, you could get some really interesting content, but they just seem to keep giving these assholes who wrote the travesty called Riverdale, so many opportunities to make more shitty television, and I feel like they really deserve to be limited in their ability to create/write if not stopped completely and thrown into a well with Julie Plec.  Anyway, I’ll try to break this down as best as I can into different piles of shit and this will contain spoilers:

Characters

Prudence and Ambrose

So, to be really honest, I watch this show exclusively for Prudence and Ambrose. Because, well, look at them: 

I wish they had more chemistry because they are super hot together, and I still ship it. A young Black couple? On TV? In this sea of shitty interracial relationships? I’ll take it. Anyway, of course, the progression of their relationship is ridiculous and frustrating. Ambrose decides at the last minute, not to kill Father Blackwood because he has a weird time egg thing that they don’t really understand, also he has the twins under some weird mind control for no clear reason, so they stay their hands. It doesn’t make sense, but it becomes clear, Father Blackwood has an insane amount of plot armour and ultimately would have to serve as a vessel for Satan. Father Blackwood uses the manipulated mind of the other weird sister to sic her on the coven, and she ends up killing Dorkus, whom Prudence finds. She then blames Ambrose for not allowing her to kill FB, and they break up. Now...this would kinda make sense, if not for the fact that they trapped one of the pagan witches and forced her to change everyone back, but no one bothered to do anything about the mentally ill witch who you all strapped up for a reason? Lol ok. Seems like an oversight on your part Prudence, but...okay. Clearly manufactured breakups are exhausting, especially since [young] Black couples with no serious relationship dysfunction are now an endangered species. It’s also frustrating because we barely got to see them....*be* together, especially after they returned home. 

Nick & Sabrina

So, I know from the beginning, we were supposed to believe that Nick and Sabrina had that kind of, Bad Guy, seduces the girl Good Girl, luring her into the dark side, hot, intense, passionate relationship. But their lack of chemistry and really shitty acting just made them really dry (which I get into here). I don’t believe them, and I definitely don’t believe that Sabrina would, once again, break a shit ton of rules to get Nick back. I just don’t buy that they had that kind of an intense, desperately in love, kind relationship, because they do not look all that comfortable around each other, much less in love. 

I personally find Sabrina utterly unlikeable as a main character, largely because who IS she? She has no personality, she just does whatever the plot needs her to do in the moment, and the actress makes Sabrina appear smug and unremorseful while she fucks up everyone’s lives. There is a lot of exposition of everyone telling us she’s this power hungry, manipulative character, but we never see that. She just does stuff and everyone is all “Sabrina how could you?!” and there are never, ever any consequences. I would have liked to see her push so hard to get Nick back and the struggle being, sure she wants him back, but mostly she’s doing it because she can. But that’s not what happens. 

So Nick ends up in this weird drug addiction, alcohol, sex demon spiral because he has parts of Satan still in him and it all just falls so flat and lame, because this show is SO bad at pacing, and these actors suck, so nothing is believable. The idea of him scrubbing his club foot, having nightmares, suffering PTSD, is fine, the execution was trash. Nick sees Caliban and Sabrina have one interaction and he’s like WELL, GUESS I GOTTA CHEAT. And just ends up in some S&M situation with sex demons and heavily self medicating, but none of this has any weight, and we don’t really see him...spiralling. He just immediately resorts to these things and it has no real impact on anyone or even him really, and that’s it. 

Harvey and Roz

Uh, they’re probably the most confusing match here, because there is no lead up to their relationship, there’s not suggestion, there’s no pacing. Just BOOM, we’re into each other now. BOOM, Roz is the only sexually active person in her friend group (lol of course the Black girl is sexually active. Gotta maintain white innocence at all costs), so she’s just ready to jump Harvey’s bones any second now. So of course, the show punishes her by having the pagans turn her to stone. And as if that’s not bad enough...

Which I talk about here and here, because honestly I’m just sick of this show’s antiblackness.  Theo & that other guy

So I was watching this unfold like, yeeaahh, they’re gonna make the trans guy get with the enemy aren’t they? And yes, they did. Cool, they didn’t kill him off, but I’m still perplexed at how Theo isn’t even a little upset that this guy was basically sent to infiltrate his friend group and sat by while his people harmed Theo’s friends, and also...used him? Like...we just...are gonna...gloss over that because he changed his mind? Lol ok. Sure.

Mambo Marie and suddenly Zelda?

I...I mean her name is Mambo Marie. I love the idea of Black witches finding Black spirituality and magicks through Vodun and a Hatian Priestess. But they quickly undo that, by ensuring that Mambo Marie only teaches Prudence in the presence of these white witches. And we see her...doing...an African drum circle (eye roll), only to be interrupted by the High Priestess of White Feminism, Zelda Spellman. It quickly devolves into thinly veiled racism where Zelda doesn’t trust Marie because she’s Catholic (says the woman who worships Satan, has an anti Pope and prays to Lilith with the same prayer for Mary mother of Jesus? LOL. Not even unpacking the fact that Vodun is an African spirituality having 0 roots in catholicism WHITE WRITERS). Then suddenly, out of nowhere, Marie and Zelda are a thing for no reason? After the way Zelda treated her? Why did Marie even stay? This isn’t her problem. This is a white witch problem. Okay. That’s too much to unpack. 

Plot

So, my biggest problem with almost all Netflix English programming is that they are so obsessed with aesthetics, and don’t pay enough attention to actual character chemistry, plot, story flow, details, pacing etc. Like...things that actually make stories interesting to watch. So they slap all these people together and throw them into aesthetically pleasing backgrounds, shake it up with so much exposition that nothing actually happens, and are like BEHOLD A STORY. And CAOS is *especially* guilty for this.

First of all those musical breaks were annoying as fuck. Musicals serve 2 story functions: advancing the plot or telling a story. These musical numbers did neither and were honestly ridiculously gratuitous, highly annoying and totally pointless.

What time of year is this? Why are we having pep rallies and how the fuck and when did Sabrina and Roz join the cheeleading squad, and why?

for the aesthetics and not for any real plot reason. It just seems stupid because now I don’t know how much time has passed between Nick going to hell and this, because you’re all handling it like it’s been a few weeks and is still relatively fresh, but suddenly, Theo, Harvey and Roz are in a garage band? You’re a cheerleader? For what? Since when? Why? These choices introduce more questions than they answer and serve no narrative purpose. So much wasted time on shit that doesn’t matter. 

Sabrina is supposed to be fighting Caliban (who is literally the only person she has chemistry with on this show and they killed him bc ofc they did), for her seat on the throne, and yet the trials only seem to come up when it’s convenient, and also seem to be directly related to her dealings with her coven, which is also convenient.  I’m so confused about Satan. His powers come from being a celestial being, and so, because his coven mistreats him he’s like...lol okay, well fuck you guys and goes through all these convoluted small motions to greatly inconvenience them and withdraws his powers? This is so petty and pathetic. Also, what’s the point? He could just wipe them out and start over, instead of skulking around inside FB then suddenly decides to track down Lilith. Again, convoluted. This plot is all over the place. Why does Satan need Sabrina to be Queen of Hell in the first place? He seems perfectly healthy. Why can’t he just rule it? Like...that makes no sense. What is he gonna do? Retire? WHAT is going ON?

How did Sabrina come back in time to herself stuck in stone? Is that trip to Pontius Pilate (lol) supposed to have created a loophole for her to save herself and everyone? This is giving me hardcore Twilight Breaking Dawn vibes, where, the show finally, FINALLY gets interesting, there’s real stakes, shit is actually happening instead of everyone talking about things happening (Hilda ending up killing her fiance was literally the only time I felt something watching this show because it was genuinely sad, and well acted, and Hilda coming through with that doll at the end was pretty disturbing, I’ll give them that), and ofc, Sabrina goes back in time and undoes it all. Lol. Okay. God forbid there be real consequences to anything on this show.

Final thoughts

Once again, the white feminism runs high on this show. They treat this Black Vodun Priestess Marie, like garbage, allude to her “foreign” magic, but Marie is sitting here like “we’re not men, we’re women, let’s work together.” This is why I hate white writers writing for Black characters. Black characters should have Black motivations, and a Black Vodun Priestess, should know that white women and Black women do not have aligned motivations just because they share a gender. Once they started with the bullshit right from her arrival, she should have handed Prudence her card and peaced tf out. Instead she tolerates the isolation, ostracization and thinly veiled racism...and decides to stay, and help. WHY? Marie has gained nothing by sticking around helping these ungrateful ass witches. I honestly would have preferred Prudence asking her to stay to learn more about Vodun, and them building a mentor/mentee type of relationship, especially since Prudence was the one who invited her and stepped to Zelda to defend her. I want(ed) to see that relationship go somewhere. The deliberate denial of healthy Black female friendships on tv is frustrating.

 These witches finally finding their power in their ancestors and I donno, some female creator or whatever, reminds me of white women “finding” wicca and praying to “Gaia”, (reminds me of BTVS s4 when Willow joins the wicca group) which is basically what happened but lol okay whatever. I guess they aren’t satanic witches anymore. Lol, I love how Harvey and Roz and Theo are teenagers, human teenagers, who have lead largely normal teenage lives up until this point, but see their loved ones tortured, deformed or murdered in hell, with basically no residual issues, and are all like, YES, let’s roll up on these adults with shotguns and swords and kill the FUCK outta these people!! That absolutely sounds normal! Like...what? Lol. God this is just so bad.

Also, I’m so confused by this aesthetic choice for Sabrina as Queen of Hell. Like what the fuck. Why is she dressed like a Victorian era queen, with shoulder and a broken rib bodice? What?!

This show is truly awful, this season made no more sense than the last two and now that Prudence and Ambrose aren’t together, I might be done watching. 

-20/10

[goldkirk]

⭐!! id love to hear more abt any of ur stories :D

come into my ask box and ask for the “director’s commentary” on a particular story, section of a story, or set of lines. or send in a ⭐star⭐  to have the author select a section they’ve been dying to talk about!

omg I am so SO bad at picking, hang on, I’m going to go read some of Blackbird and come back in a hot sec--

Oooh okay here, take this. Some of this is going to come up in the Steph-centric fic I’d like to write sometime--I don’t know that it’d be as long as Latchkey, and def nowhere near Blackbird, but I want to do some exploring of Steph’s life leading up to the events of Blackbird. She’s got a lot of Backstory and I’ve got a lot of Feelings About It and she’s an interesting contrast to both Tim AND Jason and I want to show more about a lot of things I HINTED at in Blackbird with her. Lots of throwaway comments, little details, etc. 

One of those things is the prescription Leslie writes for her when they’re chatting in the storeroom at the clinic in Crime Alley. A couple people have brought that up, and I figure it’s a detail that wouldn’t be bad to tackle here. 

In that chapter, there’s this exchange: 

“I hope I can be,” Steph says. “And, uh, on that note, sorry I’m late.”

“Everything okay at home?” Dr. Thompkins asks. She drops into the procedure room’s worn-out spinning chair as Steph takes up her usual perch on the counter.

“Dad wanted me to bake a cake,” Steph sighs. “I don’t know why he can’t just order buffalo wings for his buddies like a normal person.”

“Mm. And on that note, do you need a refill, Steph?”

Stephanie looks down for a second before meeting Dr. Thompkin’s eyes.

“Yeah,” she says quietly. “I’m almost out and I don’t want to risk anything. Thanks, Leslie.”

“It’s literally no trouble,” Dr. Thompkins says, with a wave of her hand. She scribbles on a notepad and folds the paper into a little football before tossing it at Steph, who laughs as she snatches it out of the air. “That should get you another month. Make sure you give it to Louis, during the night shifts. He’ll give you the discount as long as I’m around.”

“Thanks,” Steph says again.

Steph doesn’t have any secret underlying condition here--I’m not THAT good at planning, and I don’t plan on hurting all the kids in the story lol. It’s birth control. 

My reasoning here was that 1) Steph’s mom is Clocked Out as a parent, and definitely wouldn’t be available to handle Steph’s medical needs or even ask about them most of the time, 2) Steph’s dad is a terrible person and father and would literally never allow her to be on it bc of his views and also money, and wouldn’t listen to anything about financial help or Steph paying for it herself or w/ever, 3) Steph has probably been burned by a couple of boyfriends at this point and had to weasel her way out of very pressuring situations, which made her just swear off dating for the moment, but most importantly--

4) Steph’s dad keeps very unsavory company, and Steph has absolutely no adult looking out for her safety in this current situation at all. Her mom is either not around or usually high, and her dad is usually drunk and the one who’s causing these people (mostly men) to be around the house in the first place. And when her dad and a lot of the others are really drunk, or passed out, Steph doesn’t have anything she can do except hide and make herself scarce or try to sneak out of the house for the night after her dad has stopped using her as basically a cook and pretty face and BEFORE anyone gets any ideas. 

She doesn’t always succeed. SO, (tw here for childhood sexual assault, etc.) Steph has been pressured by boyfriends, cornered here and there over the past few years walking to and from school (but she’s also Very Good at being a rabid little fighter and screaming at the top of her lungs at the first sign of danger--that’s actually going to be used at some point and be a funny and painful scene that Bruce swoops in on sorta--so nothing has HAPPENED there). She’s been eyed up and down by grown ups semi-regularly every period that her dad’s been out of jail since she hit middle school and they moved into that little house, and she’s had several attempt things. One got pretty damn far, and Steph finally, FINALLY got away and straight up smashed the bathroom window to get out. 

Long story short, she was pretty messed up that night, and she definitely couldn’t go back, and she was pretty panicked, so she went to the only place her brain supplied from its depths, which was Dr. Thompkins’ clinic. Luckily Leslie keeps someone staffing it around the clock, and she had actually only left a few minutes earlier, so she came back in and walked Steph through that night and took her home to her own place until Steph was sure it was safe to go back home. Then Dr. Thompkins and Steph had a LOT of logistics conversations, reported things to police, and set up several contingency plans, because this is Gotham and the prisons are a revolving door. 

But anyway. Yeah. That’s the story behind the prescription, and why Steph isn’t a super big fan of talking about it. But it’s a just-in-case that both of them wish she didn’t need, and it’s definitely something, along with the self harm, etc., that Leslie and Bruce will be getting on the same page about and that BOTH will be working with Steph’s mom to keep a close eye on in the future. 

(tw for self harm) I’m considering writing a fic to deal with Steph’s self harm while she’s living with the Waynes, because there’s no way Dr. Thompkins wouldn’t give Bruce a heads up about it if Bruce was getting temporary custody. She’d have to. And Bruce would absolutely sit Steph down for a conversation about it, and Steph would be super likely to have urges while there for SEVERAL reasons, so. Hm. That’s something I might tackle too, but I really wanted to show in the scene with Leslie and Steph talking about it that there ARE adults in the world who understand self harm and won’t flip out over it, and will handle it in the healthiest, safest manner possible and not push too much or overreact or underreact. That scene was important to me, and I hope it helps at least someone, somewhere. It took me a long time to learn that, but I’m glad I did. That kind of thing matters.

[anxietysroomsupport]

As bad as this sounds, I dont want to be alive anymore. Please dont tag the hotlines bc those wont do anything and i know i shouldn't be putting this all on you guys so you dont have to respond with advice or words of encouragement bc i just want to say this. I just know my life is going nowhere. I cant handle what my future going to be bc I know big things that are impacting my future1/?

I want to just get it over with bc the sooner the better but I live my mom so much and I dont know what this will do to her. But it's also my choice whether or not I decide I want to live this life (this sounds so depressing, I'm sorry I've never told anyone this) I dont want to talk to someone who knows my legal identity bc I'll definitely be sent to an asylum for these thoughts. I just want everything to be over. I want to be dead 2/?

I know for a fact my future is going nowhere (dont say that to be self depricating I just know what's going to happen) I dont know why I feel this way, I just do. Theres nothing for me to live for, nothing whatsoever. I dont mean to sound like a typical depressed kid who loves attention I just wanted to tell someone this bc I need to talk but honestly this is just the shell of the things I want to say but I have no idea how to word all of my thoughts(I dont mean to sound overly angsty, sorry)3/4

My grades are terrible and by how bad they are I'll never be able to get them up. I just dont see a point and just continuing if I know exactly what is going to happen and I have no power over what will happen. Sorry I sent in so much, I didnt want to type a lot but I needed to tell someone just to hear their words and again I dont mean to dump thos big load on you so again you dont need to respond with words of encouragement or anything (I actually prefer you dont bc they wont do anything) 4/4 

Ask Blog Challenge Mode

don’t tag the hotlines

no words of encouragement

Challenge Accepted

Please note that if we start to sound encouraging, it’s entirely because the facts are just innately encouraging and there’s nothing anyone can do about that. :) 

Hi Anon,  

Miss Fay- Hate to break it to you, pal, but nobody knows the future.  To all our readers, add a comment if your life did or did not go as expected?  Mine sure didn’t.  Please and thank you!

I did find this website just talking about what to expect from psychiatrict holds.  Cold, hard facts.  It’s a pervasive misconception that people can still just get sent away, never to be heard from again.  It varies by state, but most places cannot legally hold you for more than 3 days.  And sometimes they actually help.  From the website: “For people with mental illnesses or their loved ones, it's important to understand two things. One, police and medical providers only commit patients against their will during extreme cases. Two, involuntary psychiatric holds are performed with the patient's best interests in mind; they're not an arbitrary punishment.”

Now, I’m gonna wax philosophical for a minute, then Kai’s gonna bring it all home with some Real talk.

Often when the future looks bleak, it’s because we’ve narrowed the focus too far down.  We’re only seeing one path and it’s typically one that was laid out for us, and told to us as “the” path for success.  We’re either on it or not, and if you’re not, then every step automatically feels like the wrong direction.  But that’s too extreme, too limiting.  

Think for a minute about what You want.  If you had to keep living, what would make that life bearable?  What would you pursue, what would You look for if you had no expectations placed on you by your teachers, your friends, your mom (even though you love her and she loves you, there are always expectations).  

Kai-I’ve also been dealing with depression, which is what this sounds like, for a really long time. I don’t know if anyone’s told you this, Anon, but depression causes physical changes in your brain that make you less likely to notice good things in the world and your life, and more likely to imagine the future in a negative way. I do think that’s worth considering at least. I also think it’s important to remember that school and academics are not the path for everyone. Some people are bad at school, and will still go on to live full and wonderful lives.

But I do understand the idea that your future is definitely going to be bad. I have several degenerative disabilities. Barring a medical miracle, my quality of life and ability to do things is going to decrease and I probably won’t live to be very old. All of which limits my ability to see a very bright future, especially in periods where that loss of ability is sped up for whatever reason. I’ve found that all I can do is find little reasons to stay alive. I have a couple friends who I know would be upset. I have a cat who would be devastated. I also set up things to look forward to. Sometimes they’re big, like a trip or soon I’m getting a service dog puppy. Sometimes they’re small, like a package coming in the mail or plans to go somewhere. None of these things change the situation or make the big Future™️ better, but sometimes it’s really about taking it one day at a time.

-Miss Fay, Kai

[kaesaaurelia]

up and running

For @whumptober2019 day 22: hallucination.

A continuation of/conclusion to day 2′s fic here.

This is a fic about an OC (Vehuel, Principality of Chicago) during the Great Chicago Fire.  There’s also a lot of Michael, and Heaven being a generally toxic work environment.

Content warning for FIRE EVERYWHERE, major destructive disasters, and (not medically realistic -- these are angels) traumatic brain injury + treatment of same.

Vehuel made her way northward slowly, trying to help all she could without being burnt up herself, gently pushing people westward if she could. Now that she knew Michael was here she was less worried about having her miracles cut off, but the fire was spreading so quickly and there were so many people. She pushed through the crowd, keeping children with their parents, healing burns and cuts, and plaguing pickpockets with sudden fits of conscience.

People were starting to run into the lake, and Vehuel hesitated as to what to do about them, but then Michigan Avenue caught fire and there was nothing for it but to leave them there. She realized suddenly that the fire was a few blocks from North Avenue, and here she was, nowhere near the church, so she ran west, praying (in an informal way, knowing that she couldn't answer such a prayer herself) that she wasn't leaving the people in the lake to drown or boil. She remembered the crowds at the docks in Lisbon, and reminded herself that no great wave would come out of Lake Michigan. Or at least, probably not.

Michael was standing on the roof, looking out over the city in a resigned sort of way. The flames were only a block away now.

"I'm here!" Vehuel called from the ground, feeling like she was absolutely ridiculous not to be able to fly.

Michael flitted down to meet her, though. "Quite a fire," she said, and frowned. "I don't think my miracle is going to hold it off."

Vehuel, soot-stained and exhausted, could not imagine what she could possibly say to this. "But how?" she asked; those were the only two coherent words she could come up with.

Michael was silent for a few moments. "Have you heard of Peshtigo?" she asked, finally.

Vehuel shook her head.

"It was a town, but it burned down yesterday. The whole town. Two thousand people are dead."

This was not at all helping Vehuel's urge to cry. "I'm sorry."

"Well, it's obviously not your fault," said Michael, frowning at her.

It wasn't obvious to her. She should have known this would happen, it was one of her towns so of course it was going to be destroyed; she should've influenced the city government for better fire safety, or slowed building, or something.

She remembered, queasily, all those building projects she'd helped along for the sheer delight of showing up Cerviel, that smug asshole, who had a New York-centric view of the solar system. How close was Peshtigo? Should she have been checking up on that instead of indulging her stupid competitiveness?

"There've been a few other fires today," said Michael. "Near here, geographically. This is the only place of any real significance, of course, but..." Michael continued talking, but Vehuel had a hard time listening, because a town of two thousand people was of real significance to those people, and now they were all dead, and they weren't even Vehuel's people, but really, all people were Her people, so they were significant, weren't they? But Michael hadn't meant that like it sounded, of course. Michael was brusque by necessity, and very important and busy and probably shouldn't even be here, and certainly didn't have time for Vehuel's philosophizing, and she was the only person in Heaven who'd ever listened to Vehuel so really, Vehuel owed her everything. "...to hunt up any evidence of a demonic firebug. What do you think?"

"Ah." Vehuel did not panic. "I think -- that -- maybe? But it hasn't rained for a long time, and it is prairie and forest up here. Could just be natural."

"I'll keep that in mind," said Michael, and she sounded like she actually would. The fire was almost upon them, and people trailed past. Many carried belongings -- hopefully their own, but Vehuel had seen looting on her way here. "And I think it's time to evacuate this church. Go in and hold the walls, Vehuel; I'll get the people out."

Vehuel walked straight through the wall of the church, and found an out-of-the-way place in the aisles to stand and keep the walls up. She watched Michael, unseen by humans, nudging them into greater efficiency, reminding them of things they'd forgotten, keeping people from being trampled underfoot. Vehuel was good at that kind of thing, but it was a relief not to have to think just now. No quick calculations about how fast someone could run, no moral conundrums about which person to save, no care to be taken to avoid startling the horses or the humans. Just bricks to protect.

And she cried, finally, wiping tears off her face and got soot in her eyes, which made the crying worse, of course. She let down the miracle that made her seem unremarkable to human eyes anywhere she went, and put everything into the walls. A few people stared openly at her; at a guess, this mostly-German congregation did not contain many colored women who dressed in men's suits. (Eventually, a man approached her and offered her a handkerchief, which she waved off.)

The church emptied out, and Vehuel could feel flames licking at the walls. She pushed back against them, leaned into them, but it was no use, because

the church was burning and everything was on fire, everyone was on fire in their All Souls' Day finery. The ground kept shaking and the flames rushed up over the pews, and it was all Vehuel could do to save a few people from being trampled as they fled. She tried to calm the ground, foolishly, but she couldn't stop an earthquake once it had hit, and it had hit hard. Flying over the town, she saw that there were fires springing up everywhere, walls coming down, people pouring out of churches, headed to the docks -- good. They would be safe by the water, away from walls, she was certain. She tried to keep the church from falling down around them, but it was too much to ask of reality, to ignore the ground buckling beneath, and the walls came down

right on top of her, and her whole left side was -- on fire? Was that fire? She couldn't even tell anymore.

"Why didn't you leave?" someone asked her, and she didn't know what to say. There were people inside! There was an earthquake! she wanted to say, but -- but -- everything hurt so badly she couldn't think. Someone was pulling her out from under the rubble -- someone was telling her she should have run -- someone was being, frankly, very annoying, and she tried to tell them to shut up but she couldn't seem to move anything.

She decided, to preserve whatever sanity she had left, that she didn't really need to be conscious for whatever was happening now. Either she would be discorporated or she wouldn't. It was in God's hands now.

--

"Oh, no, you don't want to go in there," said the Archangel Michael. "That's the infinite frictionless surface, we'll never get you out of there. Looks fun, though, doesn't it? Come along, my office is this way." She smiled, and led Vehuel further into the central offices of Heaven. She caught a brief glimpse of several angels skidding across a blindingly white floor, using their wings to balance.

There were so many other angels here, and so much light; it was strange and amazing and terrifying, and so unlike her posting in the far reaches of space. Everything looked so perfect, so correct. But it also hurt her eyes, so she closed most of them.

Michael sat down behind her desk, and Vehuel tried not to fidget, sitting in the seat across from it. She stared at the nameplate. Who is like God? Definitely not me, she thought. That was the point, probably. "You had some concerns about the behavior of light?"

This was it. She could say what she'd actually come here to say, or she could talk about the wave-particle glitch. She took a breath. "Actually. It's about my supervisor? Lucifer. He's...

There was too much light, and Vehuel tried to keep her eyes closed, but somebody was standing above her, telling her to do something she couldn't quite make out.

She felt the prickle of a medical miracle settle over her, and suddenly the jibberish resolved into "Vehuel, wake up, please?"

Everything hurt like Hell and she absolutely did not want to be awake right now. Still, an order was an order. She opened her eyes, or tried to. Something was wrong. Her left eye wouldn't open. "I'm awake," she muttered. She tried to focus. Was that Raphael? Possibly. She didn't entirely remember what Raphael looked like. Honestly, it could be anyone with a face.

"Good, good," said possibly-Raphael, although she could barely hear him. "You need to be awake for a while, I have to rebuild some parts of your brain."

"Are you Raphael?" she asked. "I can't tell. He has a face, you have a face, so I'm thinking... probably?"

The angel gave her a tight, worried smile. "Yes. We've met. You're in here every few centuries."

They probably had, but Vehuel was having trouble recalling specifics. "I feel really calm about this," she said. It seemed unusual, that she should be calm.

"That tracks," said Raphael, grimacing.

"I don't remember being calm about anything, ever," she said. "I think maybe I was calm once in 1450 BC, and then my island exploded.  Should I be concerned?  That doesn't seem like a good calmness result."

"You might be experiencing some memory issues," said Raphael, who was looking kind of upset now. "It's probably because you're missing half of your brain because somebody let an entire church that was on fire fall on you."  He sounded a little hysterical.

"Oh, don't be dramatic, Raphael, it was just one wall," said somebody on the other side of her.  "And it's not half of her brain.  A third at most."

Raphael glowered at whoever-it-was.  "Michael, this is ridiculous, we can't just send her back," he snapped. "She needs a full recorporation, or at least -- at least let me get her out of this body while I fix it.  Send her somewhere nice on holiday!  This is Heaven, there's got to be somewhere nice.  Damned if I've been there, though."

"Don't even joke about that," said Michael, darkly.  "How long would it take to fix the body without her in it?"

"About a year to do it properly. Maybe six months if I push the miracles to their limits.  Got to do testing, see that all the connections connect up right; it's easier with her in it but it's harder on her."

"We don't have time for that," said Michael.  "We need the city up and running, so we need her up and running."

"You seem really upset about this," Vehuel told Raphael. "I think, I think probably if I'm going to have a doctor they should be more calm about it than I am.  Maybe you should take a break?"

"You stay out of this!" Raphael snapped.  "Michael, how long do we have?"

Michael sighed.  "I'd like to get her back in a few hours.  This wasn't supposed to happen."

"Well, obviously it did, so on some level it was," said Raphael.  "A few hours, are you -- you know what, never mind, I'll just -- I'll see what I can do.  Get out of here, Michael."  Presumably, Michael left.  "Some people," Raphael muttered, "could use a full brain replacement."

"Is this going to hurt?" Vehuel asked.

"It's going to be... it's going to be odd," said Raphael.  "I'm sorry, we don't usually do these with the inhabitant still in the body the whole time.  For reasons I will not go into, because if you had your whole brain they would probably worry you."

It wasn't like she had anything better to do.  "Okay."

"And you won't be able to speak or understand things for a while," said Raphael.  "See, if I could take you out of this body it'd be fine but -- never mind.  A few hours?  A few hours!  I can't believe..."  And then the medical miracle fell away and he was speaking gibberish again.

It was definitely very, very uncomfortable.  Vehuel had had worse deaths, but none of them had ever felt as itchy and invasive as an archangel remaking her brain.  Intermixed with the discomfort, though, were strange little fragments of sensation.  She heard a song that had been inescapably, obnoxiously popular one year in Pompeii, so much so that somebody had rewritten it to be about his campaign for city council.  (He had not won.)  She tasted, vividly, the food at the best uttapam place in all of Vijayanagara, a weird little hole in the wall she used to go to after wrestling matches, and then, centuries and oceans apart, felt the press and the sound of the crowd at a chunkey match in Cahokia.  She saw the brilliant lights of the central bulge of the Milky Way galaxy, and the terrible darkness forming in the center, and thought, Oh fuck, what are we gonna tell Lucifer?

"Vehuel?"  It was Raphael.  "Vehuel, can you understand me?"

"Yeah?"  She remembered where she was.  She remembered what had happened.  "Shit shit shit I have to go, why can't I move?  Is it over?  Am I done?  I need to get back down there, there's a fire."

"Ah.  Yes, you're definitely back," Raphael said.  "Don't try to move, I still have to put your skull back on.  And your arm.  And your wings."  He sighed.

"Okay but I have to -- the city's on fire, the whole thing is --"

"That's exactly what I thought you'd say," said Raphael, unhappily.  "I think it would be best for both of us if you were asleep for the rest of this."

"But --"

Raphael waved his hand over her.

"You will have to make him trust you," said Michael.  Vehuel nodded.  "You will have to..."  She paused, as if feeling out what words she might use.  "You will have to say things that aren't true.  Can you do that?"

Vehuel didn't think she was very good at making people trust her.  She was good with fire and gravity and dust; other angels were more difficult.  But she had some experience with untruths.  Which she probably shouldn't admit to.  "I think so," she said.

"Good," said Michael.

"Um.  What if -- what if he -- what if he finds out early?"  Michael looked at her sharply.  "I mean!  I mean I wasn't planning to fail, but what if I do?"

She'd expected a bland reassurance; she wasn't meant to fail, so she wouldn't.  Michael did not give her that.  Michael manifested, from out of nowhere, an infinitely thin line with an arrow at the top.  "This is something called a weapon."  She handed it to Vehuel, or tried to.

Vehuel looked at it skeptically.  "That looks like a ray.  Like on your diagrams."  She gestured to the scratchpad in front of Michael.  "Or a line of force."

"Well."  Michael paused, looking a bit embarrassed.  "Well, it is a line of force, really, but it's -- it's pointy, see?"  She jabbed the weapon into the wall, where it stuck.  "It should hurt him."

"Hurt him?"

"An unpleasant feeling.  He won't want to keep having it.  You'll be able to hold him off and get back here.  But I'd like the rest of them here too, if at all possible.  And once they're all here, I'll see to them personally."

Vehuel took the weapon, and turned it over in her hands.  "Well.  All right."  That sounded fair.  Michael would yell at Lucifer and everyone else, and they'd stop making terrible, frightening plans, and everything would be good again.

"Heaven is counting on you, Vehuel," said Michael.

She nodded.  "I -- I actually did have a problem to report about the light waves, though?"

"I'm sorry, I think I've got a meeting to go to," said Michael.  She made a face.  "I think it's about ions.  So fiddly!  Later, you can tell me what's wrong with the light waves."  She smiled, and showed Vehuel out.

Vehuel opened her eyes.  All of them.  All of them.  She closed thirteen of them. Way too bright.

She remembered about the fire again, and sat up, and nearly overbalanced and fell to the floor.  "The fire!" she said, not that that would help anything.  She looked around, and saw Haniel, Michael, and Raphael watching her.

"Don't worry, we sent some rain," said Haniel, looking very concerned.  "I'm sure that'll help!  Don't you think?  Anyway, you can relax.  You don't have to go back right away.  You can rest."  She patted Vehuel's shoulder.

"She's needed for the rebuilding," said Michael.  "She's very good at rebuilding," she added.

"I am, I really am!  Let me go back!" said Vehuel.

Haniel glared -- actually glared -- at Michael.  Haniel had never glared in her life.  "I'm sure the humans can manage for a month or so, Michael, they're not idiots.  Well, they're not complete idiots, anyway."

"That's true," said Michael, considering.  "We could have Cerviel check in on Chicago from time to time --"

"No!" said Vehuel.  "No, no, absolutely not."  Cerviel was not touching her city.  He'd probably forget to add alleys when they rebuilt.

"No, definitely not Cerviel, he's very busy," said Haniel.  "What about... we have someone in Los Angeles, don't we?  Can't we send them?"

Michael frowned at this.  "It's a long way to travel, though.  Do you remember who we have there?" she asked Haniel.

Haniel frowned.  "I..."

Vehuel decided to cut that line of thought short before it got anywhere worrisome.  "No, no, Michael's right, LA's too far to travel," said Vehuel, "and it'd be cruel to him to make him deal with Chicago weather.  I have to go back.  Just for a few years.  Come on, I've been through worse."

Haniel looked unhappy.  "That doesn't mean --"

"Well, I'm glad that's settled," said Michael.  She turned to Vehuel.  "Good luck with the rebuilding!  I know you can handle it."  Then she left.

"I still think this is a terrible idea," said Raphael.

Haniel shrugged at him.  "Apparently she's made up her mind."  She turned to Vehuel.  "Really, though, if you need some time..."  She looked hopeful.

"No, no, I -- I can't let Michael down," said Vehuel.

"Vehuel..."  Raphael sighed.  "The day you let Michael down I will shake your hand and get you a box or a basket or a bottle of whatever weird disgusting human thing you like best, all right?"

Vehuel blinked at him.  "Thanks?  I guess.  But look, I really have to go."  She got up to leave.  "But thanks!"

--

The surviving population of Chicago clustered raggedly in a few places along the lakefront and on the prairie north of the city.  They were drenched and burnt both, and many of them had lost everything; even if not, many of them had lost family.

Vehuel went from cluster to cluster, shepherding lost children back to their parents when she could, and healing burns -- except on pickpockets, because she was so tired of pickpockets by now -- and miracling up food.  The ruins of the city were so hot she could barely stand to fly over them, even at a great height, but she did, once.

And she remembered -- but did not see -- the population of Thera, saved by too many miracles and still homeless and terrified but alive. She recalled Lisbon after the earthquake and fire and tsunami, and the reprimand she'd earned from Gabriel when she'd allowed the prime minister to have the corpses burned rather than backing the church to make sure they were buried -- she'd seen Pestilence lurking in the ruins and would give him no foothold.  She'd earned that reprimand, and she was proud of it.

She remembered guiding that idiot Aeneas for a while.  Not her proudest achievement, but she'd managed to get him where he was supposed to be.  (And promptly gotten lost again for several years on her way back to Troy.  What had been wrong with the Aegean sea back then?)

Looking over the ruins of Chicago was difficult, and looking at the ruins of its citizens was even harder, in some ways.  But it was still a city.  It was just a city without a lot of buildings, for now.  And she was going to have to do her best with it.

[whatifididsomethingnew]

Take Your Medication

I’m a college freshman in my second semester. I’ve been struggling with depression and ADHD for who knows how long, but I was diagnosed(i think? idk if it was official) in my freshman year of high school and given medication for it sometime in my senior year.

I didn’t take the medication very often. I started off strong, taking the ADHD medication especially to get me through classes and make sure the dosage lasted me to sixth period, my worst class at the time. But over the summer I stopped because I decided that the positive effects didn’t make up for the side effects: a lack of appetite and dry mouth.

Below the keep reading is my experience with mental illnesses and medication. It’s long. tl;dr If you have access to medication, take it. It helps. And make sure the dosage is right for you

 I’ve never been a bad student. Aside from failing algebra 2 in freshman year (ive never been good at “advanced” math, it was an IB class so even worse, and even better students agreed that the teacher was awful), I’ve gotten at worst 1-2 C’s per year. But since middle school I’ve found myself unable to pay attention, preferring to think about the book I want to read or the game I want to play or even just something else I started learning about. I figured out how to get by with finished homework and average tests. But I took about 6 AP tests in high school and only passed one, because I couldn’t study well enough to retain all the information I learned and forgot over the course, or pay attention to the exam to finish the multiple choice, or have enough foundation in the subject to write an essay that mattered at all.

This point in my life has almost certainly been my worst, depression-wise. I only live about twenty minutes away from my parents’ house, and I go home every weekend so I’m not just alone in my apartment for three days straight, but I’m still isolated during the week. My friends that are still in high school are busy with classes and extracurriculars and meeting with friends they still see everyday and very few of them have their own cars to drive up to visit me, and my friends in college are all busier than ever, all going to school anywhere from 15 minutes to like four hours away. My bad days are worse and happen more often and can span into bad weeks. I tend to write at best 1 page of notes after about 2 1/2 hours of classes a week, and drain my phone battery down to the sixties because I don't pay attention in lectures on subjects I’m not interested in. 

In high school I couldn’t wait for college, because I could choose my classes and the times and had the opportunity to make friends! But I realized I’m bad at making friends; I made one friend in kindergarten, when times were simpler, and all my lasting relationships (aside from my online friends, whom I treasure dearly) can be attributed to that one friendship. (I actually made a flowchart during class when another student was presenting, and I had the energy and motivation because I actually took my meds today!)

All this personal information about my Bad Times™ is to make you understand how much I needed to take my medication. But I don’t have classes everyday, so I didn’t think that taking ADHD meds everyday was worth it, and I (incorrectly) recalled that taking the depression meds didn’t help me enough to validate taking it everyday, instead only when it got really bad, but that plan didn’t work because when my depression is bad I don’t even have enough energy to text back or walk like four steps total to get my laptop, let alone walk to the bathroom and get the pills. 

So I didn’t take it, besides from when I worked my first 8-hour shifts at my first job. And those side-effects were extreme, because my body wasn’t used to these meds that were incredibly high in dosage because that’s what I need. I felt nauseous and dizzy enough to faint and went to the back room like four times an hour for a drink of water and it was still way less than I wanted. And I still didn’t learn my lesson about how the side-effects would get easier to handle if I took them more, but worse if I only took them on worst-case bases. I was thinking more in the moment about how bad I felt then, rather than about how I could feel better in the future if I pushed through.

I had a series of awful days, just last week. I cried several tears with no clear cause, only my own thoughts and boredom and depression, which means a lot in relation to me because I don’t cry. I watched Dear Evan Hansen and The Prom live, both with the original cast, and only cried a total of five tears at most, despite how these musicals and their subject matters are very dear to me. It was a bad week that came out of nowhere, nothing extraordinarily bad happened. I did the same thing as always, if not more. But still, it was a very bad week, because I was experiencing the heavy depression and it didn’t go away after I fell asleep. I don’t have classes on Wednesdays this semester; I have a lab on Mondays, and three lectures in a row on Tuesdays and Thursdays because I learned last semester that having enough leisure time to chill in my apartment for several hours between classes only makes going to the later class way more tedious. I usually get picked up by one of my parents on Thursdays while whichever of them it is drives home from work that day. That week I was lucky to have my Thursday classes cancelled, so I got picked up a day early. 

Being home is good for my health, adding it all up. It makes me a bit insecure about being independent, but fuck that I’m only 18 and I love my parents, I don’t need to be completely independent yet. Being home only improved when @pointlessoressential moved in with me; having someone so similar to me in regards of being content sitting and doing our own thing without the expectation to have something to Do™  all the time. It’s good for me, to have someone around me so I don’t get too isolated, but also not too overwhelmed. I’m usually pretty open with my mom, too, so being with her during the weekend and being able to talk with her or watch some easy TV together is good. I’ve never been very good at opening up to people; my main characterization with friends I’m not as close with is sarcasm and puns and whatever other humor to distract both of us from personal issues. I’ve been trying to get better, with help and reminders from the aforementioned bee and mom, as well as my best friend (who yes my meeting of and bonding with can indirectly be connected to that kindergarten friend, if you were wondering) who is much more skilled at telling me about her feelings than I am. But I’m trying. So I told my mom about how I had been having a bad week, once I got home.

My mom has dealt with depression her whole life, too. Most of her life she thought she also had anxiety, but when I was diagnosed with ADHD, the psychiatrist who had prescribed me the medications I take explained to both of us that ADHD in afab people (I'd say women bc my mom is cis but I'm nonbinary, so afab people) can be misdiagnosed as anxiety bc it’s different from what TV shows it to be, and the reactive anxiety (as opposed to constant, causeless anxiety from an anxiety disorder) is a symptom of ADHD. She’s dealt with the same issues all her life, so I go to her often when I hit the wall.

She told me to take the medication. I said I didn’t like the side-effects. She bought me mouthwash that helps dry mouth and a box of Rice Krispies Treats so I can eat something small but filling when I lose my appetite. She reminded me that the side-effects would improve if I took the medication more often. I am privileged in that I had the opportunity to see a doctor for my issues and be able to afford (even if barely) my medication, and I should take advantage of that instead of taking it for granted.

This is a long post, sharing my personal story about having mental illnesses, and how medication helps. It may not feel like it took effect, but then it’ll wear off and you’ll realize the difference. It’s better to feel stable, to feel “normal” for most of the day, than to get used to feeling awful. I took my medication this morning before class; I’ve taken about five hours to write this whole thing, due to having begun it before one lecture started, then continuing it during another while also listening to my professor review the first five chapters of Return of the King and discuss it with us. And now I’m in my apartment, on my laptop, switching between ending this PSA and checking on due dates and reviewing my calendar and just being 10 times more productive than I ever am.

I don’t know if anyone will need this advice. I don’t know how many will even click the read more. But this is a blog site, and this is something I’m trying to learn and have it remembered. It’s something I needed to put into words, and now it is.

[rovvboat]

Abort Mission - Cable/Nathan Summers x Reader P.1

Part 1

Warnings: Smut, NSFW content, Angst. 

A/N: Hope you enjoy this angsty smutfest! It’s my first time writing smut and I didn’t think that I’d do it so soon, but it seemed so.. //NEEDED// for this storyline- AGAIN: this one’s a long one bc I’m trying to set the scene for part 2 - the smut in this is worth it!!! So indeed look out for p2 if you enjoyed this one - its gonna be much more fast-paced than this one is ;) Cheerio~!

Words: 4k 

Summary: Your team had been tipped off about a possible resurrection of an unnamed villain by Black Talon and his followers, which prompted a recon mission led by Cable. Long nights awake had driven you to the point of extreme agitation.The remote and small location didn’t help and neither did the fact that you easily become a restless mess; to add to the complexity, you have a crush on Cable. Things get heated when you could no longer keep it in.

You were chosen as the on-site medic – despite your reluctance – by Colossus; who cited your usefulness, where resources would be limited, as the reason why you were best for the job.

And the choice was ditto-ed by Wade, who cited your terrible crush on Cable as the reason why he voted for you. To your relief, Wade’s voting was done where Cable wasn’t within earshot – so there wasn’t much to worry about. The last thing in Cable’s mind would be a relationship, and you weren’t prepared to test out that theory.

Of course, your powers could mold things out of the materials around you and enhance the healing factor of anyone you willed and you could, with enough time, change the landscape of a limited area by accelerating certain reactions… Damn your powers. It was so easy for you to get chosen as the in-and-out-house ‘’medic’’ – especially because of how fast you could recovered between missions.

Your high energy was also a key factor in this long-haul mission - which was expected to take at least 2 weeks. You and Cable were thoroughly prepped and the both of you set off to the post in record time.

The land rover bounced up and down as it sped through the rough and uneven terrain. The uncontrollable bobbing was making you feel sick, but you tried your best to keep it in, putting one hand on the dashboard to keep yourself steady as the car made a rag-doll out of you.

You looked over to Cable in the driving seat, his eyes focused entirely on the far away destination.

‘’Hey, how long til’ we reach the spot?’’

‘’We’ll be arriving soon, don’t worry. You feeling okay?’’ Cable responded, without taking his eyes off the road

‘’Well, I’d feel better if this car could stop wobbling so damn much.’’ You said as you used a hand rub circles around your stomach in an attempt to soothe it, and tried to make yourself feel less sick.

It worked. Until the next big bump in the road almost threw you off the seat.

‘’Do they not have cars in the future, Cable? You suck at driving.’’

Cable chuckled.

‘’Alright, alright, stop your whining. We’re here.’’ He said as he put the rover in park.

‘’And where exactly is here, Mr. Can’t Drive? We’re still in the middle of nowhere.’’

‘’We gotta walk from here, kid. The cabin isn’t too far off, and we don’t want the engine noise to alert anyone that we’re here.’’

‘’Wow, I didn’t know we were having an affair.’’

‘’Yeah. Sure.’’ Cable scoffed. He was one of the only few people who could take your snark, and you didn’t know whether it made you happy, or annoyed that it wasn’t annoying to him.

‘’Hey, I have a question. Since you know my real name, can I know yours?’’ You asked with a mischievous tone in your voice.

‘’It’s Nathan. Nathan Summers. Now let’s get to work.‘’

You were surprised by his candid response.

‘’I honest to God did not think it would’ve been that easy.’’ You remarked.

You and Cable got to unloading the gear and rations you brought. As you do, you noticed that he had stopped unloading, and was looking intently at something. You walked over to see what had caught his attention, when he spoke up.

‘’Tell me again, how would… a long bolster pillow… help us get information from our enemies? You gonna smother them into talking?’’ He joked as he held up the long grey cushion in front of him.

‘’That’s for me, Nathaniel. I can’t sleep if I’m not hugging something.’’

Cable looked at the pillow, then back at you; the smirk on his face clearly showing his amusement at this revelation.

‘’What?’’ You said, snagging your lovely pillow away from him.

‘’Nothing. I expected as much. Now get a move on. We’re burning daylight.’’

You both began trekking away from the dirt path and into the forest.

The forest looked magical. The rays of sunlight filtered through the trees, and the vines seemed to dance with the light breeze, as you walked through it. The slight crunching sounds of your feet treading on the leaf litter against the sounds of the forest – alive and creaking and croaking and cawing – reminded you of how out of place you were.

While you were busy taking in the sights and sounds of your surroundings, Cable made sure to mark the way leading into undisclosed location using a knife, in order to make it easier for you to find your way back; in case you get lost during the mission. He was lucky that you were easily distracted, else you would be trying to annoy him out of boredom.

After what seemed like days of walking – though honestly it was only about 30 minutes or so – the sight of a dilapidated cabin finally came into view. It was big, but obviously couldn’t have been your place of residence for the mission, mostly due to the fact that it stood crushed under a gigantic tree.

‘’Holy shit. That looks so cool!’’ You exclaimed under your breath. Cable hummed a sound of agreement. The kind of hum that an older sibling would make whenever a younger sibling points out something mundane and routine with a sense of renewed awe.

‘’Don’t patronize me, old man Nathan!’’ You said with a light shove.

You walked ahead to inspect the house, and saw that it had moss and algae growing all over. There were shards of glass scattered around the entrance, and to top it all off, a heavily rusted metal fence barricaded the front door and windows.

You looked up at the huge tree that had fallen onto it. The weight of the tree had caved the roof in – who knows how long ago – and now looks almost as if it was part of the cabin.

‘’Home sweet home.’’ Cable quipped.

‘’This has got to be a joke, ri-‘’ You started, but Cable cut you off.

‘’Stop talking and follow my lead.’’

You held onto your bag straps and grudgingly tagged along. He strode over to the thick base of the ginormous fallen tree; where its roots were pointed in all directions. The tree looked awfully old yet sturdy, but something about it seemed awkwardly placed the more you looked at it.

Cable did some mental calculations and made his way to the underside of the tree, near the perimeter of the cabin and pulled on a loose vine.

The vine was connected to a stealthily hidden trap door, which gave way as Cable tugged at it. You hadn’t even noticed the way it curved into a kind of entrance, but it was perfectly camouflaged against the deep ashy brown of the fallen tree. The trap door opened into a narrow crawlspace that looked like something out of a zombie movie.

‘’Go on, get a move on. We don’t have all day, Y/N.’’ Cable urged. He took out something which looked like a gun from his fanny-pack – he could call it a utility bag all he wants, it wasn’t going to make it true – and pulled the trigger, which released something into the distance with a strong wisp. He did this a few times at different angles.

You furrowed your brows, but didn’t question it and got into an army crawl position, pushing yourself into the crawlspace. It turned out to be bigger than you expected; dust and tiny fiber particles swirled around you as you pushed your way deeper into it – using what little light that entered to guide you wherever you were headed. You heard Cable enter into the crawlspace behind you and cover up the entrance, instantly engulfing you both in darkness.

‘’Nice place you got here, Nathan. Where do I put up my reviews in Yelp?’’ You commented, turning your head back at him as he caught up with you.

‘’You talk too much Y/N,’’ he returned, ‘’Now hurry up and get to the end.’’

You hustled and reached the end. You stretched your hands out and felt a metal wall in front of you. Before you could ask, Cable voiced out.

‘’Okay, now you have to pull on the lever. Feel around for it, it should be to your left.’’ He instructed.

Using both your hands, you felt around the ground and finally discerned a hard, metallic smooth protrusion from the adjacent wall. You pushed it up and suddenly, the wall in front of you rose with a mechanical shunting and clunking noise.

The wall revealed behind it a wide-open space, fully furnished with a narrow kitchen – with a door that led into the world’s tiniest washroom – and a small living room with a slender sofa and a single-bed right behind it. It was quaint, but better than anything you could ever have expected.

‘’Dibs on the bed!’’ You called out as you got up out of the entrance and jumped on the bed. Cable just sighed as he got up. It’s hard to even imagine that you were an adult. But it was entertaining – to say the least.

You helped Cable bring in and set-up the equipment at the surveillance post; which turned out to be the two-way window in the kitchen that overlooked the abandoned military base a little ways off - past a few trees and shrubbery.

You let out a deep breath, thinking about how long of a mission you had in front of you, as Cable arranged for a surveillance schedule. He carefully divided up the timings such that he would do most of the night watch while you did mostly daytime. A switch happened every 4 days for effective exchange of notes and to ensure that you both were on your toes. Cable passed you a set of earpieces as you were setting up.

‘’These are our ears on the ground. If anything happens in there, we’re gonna hear it loud and clear. The team also has a set back home and they would be helping us keep track of Black Talon’s followers. They can hear us – and the recording device in the abandoned base – but we can’t hear them.’’ Cable explained.

‘’Is that so?’’ You took an earpiece. ‘’Fuck you, Wade! I know it was you who took my M&Ms from the fridge and made Colossus take the fall! Colossus, buddy, you did nothing wrong and I will make sure Wade suffers for this.’’ You dramatically exclaimed into the comms device. 

Cable stared at you in what seemed to be both reserved disappointment and met expectations. A hard line to cross, but you do it anyway.

The first few days had gone by without incident – and no sign of Black Talon or his followers. However, on the fourth day, there was a sudden influx of noise in the comms. The followers had planned a ritual to allow Black Talon’s return as well as preparation for a ‘resurrection’ of sorts. All details were captured on audio, which made it easier for an eventual ambush. However, one crucial detail had not been disclosed.

When was this ritual going to happen?

All signs pointed to the speculation that it was going to be a month away. But the team wanted the mission to proceed as normal for another week to ensure nothing new popped up.

 Both you and Cable were clearly getting antsy. A good 5 days had passed since the last appearance or instance of anyone around the base, and so far, nothing seemed to be happening. Even picking on each other didn’t seem to satisfy the accumulating energy from being stuck in such a small space.

You tried doing some on-the-spot jogging and star jumps but still felt restless.

‘’Maybe you should try to get some rest. I can take it from here.’’ Cable offered.

You dragged your body to the couch, stretching out one leg over the couch as you let yourself fall onto the comfortable fabric, and tried to get some shut eye.

After 20 minutes of tossing and turning, you got up off the couch and walked toward the kitchen window.

Cable had been diligently standing watch, making notes of any activities around the abandoned base. He looked up to acknowledge you and went right back to keeping watch.

‘’I can’t sleep’’

‘’Have you tried hugging your pillow?’’ Cable asked nonchalantly as he continued refocusing the night-vision binoculars.

You rolled your eyes at him, and meandered over to him. You tapped him on the shoulder, then motioned with your hands for him to step away from his post in front of the tinted windows. You picked up the binoculars and scanned the surroundings.

‘’Boy do I love looking at nothing happening!’’ You tittered as you set the binoculars onto the table.

‘’We didn’t come here for a fucking field trip now, did we? If you could stop your incessant whining for about 30 seconds, maybe we could’ve gotten our job here done quicker.’’ Cable snapped back at you. Your eyes widened in surprise.

‘’Yeah, cos I’m that useless right?’’ You glared at Cable and stormed out of the kitchen. Great, now you were both restless and frustrated.

‘’What the fuck are you talking about?’’ He called after you.

‘’Forget it.’’                                            

You suddenly felt a hand clasp around your wrist, pulling you in the opposite direction, until you came face to face with Cable. You held your breath, you whole body tensed, as he paused for a second; eyes locked onto yours like a magnet.

The tension weighed down heavy in the room, as if all the forest was spectating your little show from the outside; waiting to see what you would do.

This couldn’t go on any longer.

You swiftly took one step towards Cable, placing your free hand on his neck, and drew him into a deep kiss. He slowly let go of your wrist and pulled you closer to him. His cybernetic arm on the small of your back, easing you into it.

He tugged at your legs with a low growl, with a neediness, a desire.

A desire that filled you as well.

You instinctively wrap your legs around him and Cable immediately propped you up onto his waist; almost as if it was what he was waiting for the entire time.

You brought your hands up to his face, as you broke away from the kiss, heavy pants escaping your lips as you stared into him. He seemed hesitant to continue.

‘’Are you sure you want to do this?’’ Cable asked tentatively. His low, husky voice sending chills down your spine as you held onto him.

‘’Yeah. I’m sure.’’ You seductively whispered into his ear; which was enough to drive him wild.

He let both your bodies collapse onto the couch, you on your back, and him on top of you. You picked at his shirt trying to find the edge, and dragged it up off him as he lifted his torso up to pull it over his head. His attention focused right back at you, as he placed kisses from your lips, down to your neck – lingering at your collarbone, causing you to arch your back as you stifled a moan. His hands go to work on your shorts, yanking it off, leaving your panties exposed.

He pushed his body off of yours and shifted your body up a little to pull your shirt off, exposing your bare tits to the cold. He took a second to admire your almost-naked body, running his hands over your breasts and pinching one of your nipples between his fingers, pulling at it gently as his tongue played with the other. You were turned on beyond belief.

He brings his face up to yours, hastily meeting your lips, as if time had kept them apart for too long. Your tongues moving slowly, playfully, around each other – fully getting a taste of each other.

Cable breaks the kiss, rhythmic heavy pants escaping from both of you. He moves to unbuckle his pants, but you beat him to it – pulling the belt out of its metal confines and discarding it onto the floor so quickly that it made Cable let out a deep chuckle.

You ignored it and continue unzipping his pants and yanked it down together with his boxers, exposing his thick cock. You stroke his length with fervor, and watch as he melted into your hands – his brows furrowed and his eyes closed, focused intensely on the feeling of your pressure moving up and down around his shaft, as you felt him get harder against your palms.

‘’Oh fuck, darling, this is gonna end too soon if you continue like this.’’ He moaned against your slow lazy strokes. He brings his hand down to stop you; pulling arms up over your head, holding them together as his body closes the distance between you two. You relent, allowing him control.

‘’Good girl. Now let me return the favor.’’ He whispered into your ear, his hand sliding down your thigh, then over the fabric covering your pussy. His finger circling around, pressing down whenever it was directly above your clit.

‘’You’re already so wet for me, doll.’’

‘’Fuck, Nate. St- Stop teasing– ‘’ You moaned.

‘’Tell me what you want.’’ He said as he kissed that sensitive spot on your neck, making you dig your fingers into his back. When you finally spoke, your voice was raspy and strained.

‘’I want you. Right now.’’

He immediately yanked your panties off, and brought his hand to his hard member, positioning it at your entrance – leisurely teasing your pussy with the tip of his cock.

‘’Nate!’’ You whined.

With one swift move, he pushed himself inside you – painfully slowly – as if he was restraining himself. You writhed under him as you got used to his size entering you. You search for his body – unbearably absent from yours – and pull at his hands.

He immediately goes to kiss you again, rhythmically driving into you, as his tongue found yours.

Your body stiffened from the overstimulation, and as the tension accumulated, you whimpered and squirmed beneath him. You wanted nothing but release, but your body wasn’t allowing it.

‘’Nate, please- fuck I can’t.’’ You said as you gnawed gently at his neck; trying to rid of all the pent-up energy.

‘’Just hold out for me a little more, doll.’’ He growled, getting close to his own climax. He shifted his body closer to yours, quickening his thrusts.  He put his arms around you in an embrace. His face lying next to yours as his hand pushed your face closer to his.

‘’Oh fuck- Nate, please- I need to-‘’

‘’Shhh… It’s okay. It’s okay Y/N.’’ He whispered into your ear as he circled your clit with two fingers – with just the right amount of pressure – edging you closer and closer to a much-needed orgasm.

‘’That’s it babygirl. I want you to cum for me.’’ He coaxed. He continued gently pushing into you.

The thought of having him delving so deep into you, with his fingers making magic on your clit, finally pushed you over the edge.

‘’Nate I’m- Fuck- I’m coming!’’

The orgasm seared through you; leaving your body arched, toes curled and legs trembling. The contractions of your pussy against his hard cock, pushing him to his own climax.

As all the pent-up energy slowly dissipated in those moments of satisfaction, you lowered your body down onto the cushions.

Cable continued where he left off and thrust into you, hard and slow. You let him find his own orgasm as he promptly pulled out and came over your stomach with a moan.

His body collapsed onto yours, his breathing steady as his eyes closed. His hair drapes onto his forehead. You instinctively go to shift it out of the way; and slowly ran your fingers through his hair. You watched him as he fell asleep on top of you, the sound of his breathing lulling you to sleep as you finally, finally, fell into a deep slumber.

 You woke up to the sight of sunlight filtering into the room, with the sound of bird chirping and going about their day.

All of a sudden, you felt a drop in your stomach, as you noticed that your bolster had replaced where Cable had been. You also noticed that there was a blanket over you.

Was I dreaming…?

You looked around and saw your shorts, shirt and panties folded neatly on the coffee table. Last night had happened, so where was Cable now?

You quickly throw your clothes on – save for the panties which you stuffed into your daypack – washed up, and wandered into the kitchen.

You noticed Cable leaning against the window frame – staring out the window – with a coffee mug in hand. He looked relaxed, but somehow distant. As if he was deep in thought.

‘’Good morning.’’ You voiced as a yawn escaped you. You stretched your arms over you, your feet tiptoed in an automatic response.

Cable watched you tenderly, catching your morning yawn and stretch.

‘’Good morning, Y/N. There’s some coffee in the pot if you’d like.’’ He responded, looking back towards the window.

You brush your teeth then pour yourself a cup of coffee and settle down on the small dining table. Cable moved towards the dining table, taking the seat across you. There was a sudden seriousness to him that demanded your attention. He set his mug on the table before continuing.

‘’Y/N… I hope that it was clear that last night… was a one-time thing.’’ He stated. ‘’I don’t want you to think tha-‘’

‘’No, yeah, I get it. I didn’t expect anything from this.’’ You interrupted, taking a sip of your coffee.

‘’That’s good to hear. And hey, we can finally get out of this hellhole. I think we have all the information we need for the ambush.’’ He divulged as he stood up, taking a swig of coffee before moving to wash it in the sink.

You kept quiet. Your heart sank the moment the words ‘one-time thing’ spilled from his lips. You did all you could to seem like it didn’t affect you, to make it seem like the tears brimming over your eyes were no indication of how you felt. You abandoned your half-empty coffee cup and hastened to the shower, where you could let it all out under the running water.

 Once the coast was clear, you and Cable packed all the equipment and made your way back to the rover. You followed Cable through the forest, not once stopping to look at the surroundings; your eyes focused straight ahead, but on nothing in particular, looking slightly dazed.

Cable had noticed your lack of wit and conversation, but knowing better, he decided not to remark on your newfound silence.

When you finally reached the jeep, you hauled your gear onto the back and settled yourself in the front seat. You wanted to sit in the backseat, but thought against it, should it arouse suspicion in Cable. You brought your bolster along with you to the front seat to help you ease the bumps.

Once he was done securing the gear in the back, Cable took the drivers seat and began the drive back to the X-Mansion; as you held onto your pillow while watching each tree pass by you from the window. The slow bumps seemed to induce sleep as you drifted off – your eyelids as heavy as your heart was – whilst Cable did his best to drive as smoothly as possible through the uneven terrain to take you both back home.

[fcrvcnt]

( alex fitzalan, cismale, he/him ) i just saw KIERAN WALSH walking down the street’s of provincetown the other day playing LOST by DERMOT KENNEDY out loud. rumor has it that the TWENTY-TWO year old is +ATTENTIVE, but can also be -DISTRUSTFUL — overall they’re an INTANGIBLE CONCEPT. they remind me of A GENTLE BREEZE RESURRECTING A HOT DAY, STORMY WHITE CAPPED SEAS, SMUGED FINGERPRINTS COVERING WHITE PAPER & RESTLESS NIGHTS .

hey, hi, hello!!! i’m bronny, i’m 22, i’m from new zealand ( possibly one of the worst timezones to be in but we learn to survive!! ) and i’m so excited about this group and being able to write kieran again  ( with an fc change bc alex?? newest love of my life, who does he think he is ?? ) ?? i’ve been missing writing him and been looking for a place but just haven’t found the right place.....until now!!! enough rambling about me though, lets get onto what you’re here for......

KIERAN WALSH

for the first 12 years of kieran’s life, you could say that his life was pretty happy and smooth sailing?? the walsh family were nowhere near rich but they were comfortable middle class. his father was a builder and his mother worked part-time as a kindergarten teacher. his childhood was nothing spectacular but it was full of love and happiness and that was the only thing kieran really cared about?? 

***ALCOHOLIC & ALCOHOL & ABUSE MENTION ***

but when kieran was around 13, his life took a turn no one really saw coming. whether it was the stress his father put on himself or it was old demons rearing their ugly head, kieran’s father turned to the bottle to self-medicate the darkness growing inside him.

it started off with small things. kieran’s father overreacting to tiny inconvenience at home and him coming home late at night. raised voices became the usual in the walsh household after that and kieran & amelia would both end up in his room attempting to shut it all out by going over the little cartoon strips kieran would create for amelia - eventually there was enough to make a whole little series.

slowly the walsh family drifted from middle class to lower-middle class thanks to kieran’s father losing his job and his mother retreating into herself.

kieran was 15 when he really took on the role to support amelia & his mother as best he could. kieran couldn’t care less about what happened to his father.

at 15 kieran grew up far quicker than any 15 really should. he got his first job and began trying to keep things at least just scraping by, because if he didn’t there was a real chance that he, amelia and his mother would be kicked out of their family home.

his mother did manage to help him out as best she could but his father’s actions and behaviour was taking a toll on her.

he was hellbent on not allowing amelia & his mother from suffering the full brunt of the storm their father and husband had created.

kieran thought that this would be his life forever. juggling school, work and trying to keep his whole life and family from completely collapsing but one night, one action taken too far that left kieran with a black eye given to him by his father, was all it took for kieran’s mother to kick kieran’s father out.                                                 *********************

kieran was in his last year at high school and 18 when his father left and to say kieran’s upset about not knowing where he went would be a complete lie. seeing the back of him was a blessing because even though their lives had taken a dive and it would take a lot to get back up to where they were, at least he wasn’t in amelia & his mother’s lives anymore.

but before we can go any further, there’s one thing you need to know !!! anything creative had been kieran’s saving grace over the course of his teenage years. drawing, painting, photography, music, creating, it helped settle all the emotions that raced through him, it grounded him when nothing else could and if there was one thing he knows, it’s that his ultimate dream would be to become a concept artist for films both live-action and animation but for all his life that’s just what it feels like it’ll always be—a dream and since college wasn’t exactly something on his radar—mostly because he was damn sure he couldn’t afford it and his grades weren’t good enough to get a scholarship—it felt even more out of reach.

but he wasn’t exactly going to give up on his dream that easily, especially when his younger sister wasn’t going to let him let it go that easily either, so as graduation came and went and everyone started to leave to go to college, kieran walsh stayed in provincetown and started to enrol into online courses for concept art and illustration via the online college of digital art & animation, cg spectrum and as a whole he studied three courses over the course of 3 years.

there are sometimes where he wishes he could have gotten out of provincetown and gone to college—just to experience that #collegelife. but he knows he couldn’t ever bring himself to do that because you see, even though his mother got a new job and started trying to return back to some sense of normal when kieran was 18, kieran can’t bring himself to leave?? the thought of leaving amelia and his mother on their own is too much, he’s terrified of his mother retreating back within herself and leaving amelia to look after herself—he can’t bring himself to leave them after more or less supporting the whole family for almost his whole teenage years. but he knows eventually he’ll have to go out on his own and he is in the process of it!! he’s managed to move out at least into an apartment of his own when he was 20, though it’s not all that far from his family home. but it’s a step.

though he’s still procrastinating on the finding a steady job thing, in the mean time he’s doing a lot of freelance things here and there for adverts, small indie animated videos/short movies, designed a couple things for some big name youtubers and even has helped on the illustrations for some children’s books. but he’s still holding out for his dream to come true.

PERSONALITY

an actual soft boy!!! loves his little sister & mother more than anything in the world and has literally put his own happiness and life to the side to make sure they’re happy and thriving after the shit they’ve been through. he loves with his whole heart and it’s both a blessing and a curse.

but he’s so use to being the one to take care of everyone else that he’s never stopped to take care of himself?? and to imagine someone caring about him and loving him is something he cannot get his head around??

a very private person. maybe comes across like he’d be a bit of an asshole but he’s actually relatively friendly?? probably that person you think you know everything about but in reality you actually don’t know nothing about them??

he finds it hard to let people get close and finds it hard to trust others??

may have something to do with the fact that he’s terrified of becoming life his father?? but really is far more like his mother, he just has a bit of a hard time showing it??

hasn’t ever really touched alcohol that much and doesn’t intend on doing so any time soon, he terrified of turning into his father!!!!! we love that

a little rough around the edges and takes a while to break down his walls but once you’ve managed to weed your way into his heart you’ll be there forever and he’ll love you with his whole heart.

loves the snackpack with his whole heart, his dumbass energy really comes out strong around them because YOU KNOW he’s a complete idiot underneath that hardish exterior.

proud of his friends that got out of provincetown and went to college, but also a little salty about being left behind — we don’t talk about that though

if anyone would like to plot a little something, my ims are always open, i’m also up for plotting via discord, and i’d love to plot a little something!! i swear i don’t bite so please send me an im if you’re up for something, but honestly if you give this a like i’ll come to you!!

but if you are interested in plotting, i have a plots page with loose ideas here!!

[saintgale]

Forgive me. I’m having feelings and I think have talked about this a lot on a side blog before, but wanted to try to condense some of my thoughts on this here because I’m still bitter and upset after all this time, whoops.

This is about Starscream’s treatment in TFP.

There’s a lot of text below the cut and also tw for abuse mention. Also spoilers for TFP, some Aligned stuff, and TAAO.

Also warning that I’m going to get sort of heated here and I’m not making the best case for him (bc I’m emotional right now), and these points are not, as they are now, grounds for a really sound argument because there are holes and patches and references missing. Also let me say up front I don’t condone Starscream’s behavior, I am not trying to make excuses for anything that he’s done--but that’s not what this is about. This is more about his treatment in the series by other characters, through the fourth wall in the writing, etc. This is more about how victimized he is and how he’s painted so often as the end-all-be-all villain of the century when there’s so much more to it than that. I feel like so many times his suffering was meant for comic relief or to make a moment for another character. Also how everyone was bent on him being Evil when he was trying to be something else.

This isn’t about painting Starscream as a “good guy” or trying to make him look good. This isn’t about trying to pardon him from all the wrong he’s done. It is about what I see as pretty gross injustice and how damn relate-able he was as an abuse survivor.

-- Recall, he wanted to swap sides. We don’t know for certain how this would turn out bc the Autobots wouldn’t give him the chance but you know what, they have the same target, being Megatron. Starscream could have been invaluable: he could have helped them tremendously even if it was in the end just for his own gain. But damn would I like to think what could have happened if for once in the goddamn show someone treated him with an ounce of kindness.

You know what he does when confronted with Cluffjumper’s murder--he admits his mistake. He admits he made many. He repeatedly voices that he wants to CHANGE and he DOESN’T WANT TO FIGHT HER. (Fair, we don’t know if this was genuine or just excuses made to try to cover his ass, but seeing as he explicitly asked to join the Autobots at the beginning of the episode and made no attempts to resist, gave them the info they wanted, and didn’t once threaten them even when they treated him poorly--ex: battering and dragging him around, I’d say he was well on the path to trying to be honest with them).

It’s only when it’s clear that Arcee is going to murder him (ie: force him into combat when he’s being held prisoner and is very much going to fight to the death) that he turns on her. And then gets really nasty, because tbfh if she’s going to just treat him like a criminal and force him into a battle while he’s the Autobots’ prisoner, and no one’s going to give him a chance, etc., why should he hold back?

-- Here’s the thing about Starscream: he literally cannot afford to trust anyone and it’s painful to watch. He has been conditioned to look out only for himself, because he’s HAD TO to survive. Megatron has quite literally beaten it into him that he can’t rely on anyone else, he’s alone, no one wants him, and that if he doesn’t continuously prove his worth, he could be killed at any minute. Pair this with constantly being ostracized, threatened, yelled at, punched, blamed, etc., and here you have Starscream’s already existing paranoia all bundled up in the most on-edge ball of nerves you ever did see.

-- He has to trade information for medical care. (Ie: He can’t “prove his worth?” Then he’s labeled as useless and left to die or punished for it--but Star’s damn used to that by this point, right?) Given I understand the Autobots had limited resources themselves and then again this is Starscream but he was defenseless and asking them for help in a time of need. As if saving Arcee’s life from Arachnid or helping them locate the Harbinger and begging to join their side beforehand wasn’t enough proof that the potential for him to change was there--he wanted to change--but no one would give him a chance.

-- He was gravely injured and literally begging for his life on his the goddamn floor and Ratchet and Bulkhead were content to let him die. Alone, vulnerable, out in the middle of nowhere with no affiliation, when no one else knew where the hell he was, when he had renounced his allegiance to the Decepticons. He was a neutral at that point. He was literally disabled (ie: forcibly had one of his internal organs removed from his body so he couldn’t transform into his alt mode or even transform his arm into his gun to defend himself) and starving and left to fend for himself with whatever little resources his brilliant mind could scrounge up from the NOTHING he had to work with.

Sure, Star is notorious for being a trickster/backstabber, but for fuck’s sake at points he was lying there BLEEDING OUT on the ground, and he had already shown before that a) he was MORE THAN WILLING to join the Autobots and help them out instead and BEGGED THEM TO LET HIM JOIN and that b) he had ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION to do any harm to them. As if he were even in the state to hurt them if he wanted to. Damn.

Again. It would be well within the Autobots’ rights to be cautious/take precautions around him. But the level of disregard for even his life was concerning. Yeah, there was a war going on, yeah he was their enemy, but he had no affiliation at that point--he was literally all alone and begging for medical attention, would it be that much to show some empathy?

Like I keep thinking of that line Optimus has at one point (I think there are several iterations of it throughout the series) something like “every sentient being deserves the chance for redemption,” how 1) not only was Optimus content to let Megatron into the Autobot base when they were fighting Unicron, but 2) lets him fuck off into space in Predacons Rising because apparently Megatron now understands “the true meaning of oppression.”

No shit, man? Isn’t that what sparked the Decepticon uprising in the first place? I’m pretty sure Megatron put Starscream through a hell of a lot more than what Unicron did to him in that brief period of time, but Starscream just doesn’t seem to be able to catch a break. When he does show some signs of potential change, it gets brushed off or denied.

-- I’m pretty sure the Autobots KNOW how awfully Starscream is treated by Megatron (and this is a joke, it’s supposed to be something funny and it’s sickening--G1 even had a Heroes laugh about Starscream’s mistreatment as they ride off into the sunset moment, if I recall). Starscream has literally been beaten within inches of death, to the point of hospitalization, and for SHOW in front of the Decepticon troops, and left with his entire body, head to fucking toe, littered with scars, scrapes, dents, etc. We’ve seen him scream and beg and get down on his hands and knees and pray to Megatron not to hurt him. And yet he seizes up and is completely powerless to stop it--watching it physically hurts me. He’s so fucking terrified of Megatron that he flinches and shrinks back and winces wen approached by him, when Megatron raises his voice, or fuck forbid his fist.

-- I love Bulkhead and all for but his gentle-giant act his literal response to Starscream not wanting to tell him where the exit of the Nemesis ship was was to beat the life out of him. (Turns out this was a clone, but Bulkhead killed it. He would have killed Starscream over Star not wanting to give him information because low and behold! Bulkhead didn’t have anything to offer him back. Which is really fucking funny considering when it was the other way around, with Starscream being desperate for help, Bulkhead and Ratchet wouldn’t even consider giving him the medical attention he needed unless Star coughed up intel they could use.) He’s not only Megatron’s punching bag, it’s like he’s everyone’s punching bag. Just because he’s fucking there. And hearing him scream and cry is funny apparently.

-- Get this, Starscream was SO DESPERATE that he went BACK HIS ABUSER instead of trying again to ask the Autobots to join them. He pulled off the impossible because he’s fucking brilliant--something that Megatron was never able to do: infiltrate the Autobot base (let us also recall that Starscream had been collecting intel since early season 1 on the base’s location, but he literally sets up a trap to get in through their ground bridge despite the world spitting into his face) and steal the Omega Keys. Which he uses, of all things, as bargaining chips to try to negotiate his way back into the Decepticon ranks--he even is willing to forsake his position as Second In Command, he just wants some goddamn patch of dirt to stand on at this point.

-- I stand by my statement that Starscream absolutely proved more than once through the series that he not only had the potential to change, but he really wanted to change. But no one else seemed to want to accept that change, and no one was willing to give him the room to grow on it or prove that he really was trying to better himself. He spends every second of his life in Megatron’s presence cowering in absolute fear (bar when Megatron was in a goddamn coma on life support and thus could not hurt him), and trying to find ways to make sure that no one can hurt him. I’m convinced that his actions and his goddamn levels of treachery/me-against-everyone-else is because it’s been proven to him over and over and over again that no one will help him, no one cares about him, and no one is willing to give him a chance to be anything but evil scheming Starscream. So at the end of it all what goddamn choice does he even have?

-- He doesn’t even know how to accept compliments. I don’t mean flattery/you scratch my back I scratch yours types of things, I mean like. Out of the blue really sincere stuff. Like when they think they’re gonna die and Knockout says something nice to him, and he just like. Shuts the fuck up and looks away and gets all flustered? I seriously have a hard time recalling any points where another character is legitimately nice to Starscream (let’s be fair, is he particularly nice to anyone else?, it doesn’t seem so, but then again who the hell has given him a reason to be anything else but hyper-aware and suspicious?) and that kind of just hurts.

-- THANK FUCK in TAAO he got the redemption arc he so rightfully deserved and it was handled pretty well imo, and at the end of it all, he was described, by the author, as exactly what he is: an abuse-victim. I’m still salty as fuck that Megatron got ANOTHER get out of jail free card in MTMTE/LL and gets to fuck off and around the galaxy on a space journey (again) while Starscream winds up punished via life in prison but that’s out of my hands.

I don’t know if it’s a coincidence that Ms. Scott worked as an assistant writer on TFP (and was probably well-aware of what TFP Star went through and the details of his character) and that TAAO Star gets such a goddamn well-written redemption arc and blatant address to the horrors that he’s had to suffer through in his life, particularly the physical and emotional abuse he had to endure at Megatron’s hands, but there’s some similarities here.

-- I’m not saying what Starscream (in any verse) does was right or anything like that, but what I am saying is that particularly in the case of TFP (and TAAO) his actions are understandable. We know why he’s doing what he’s doing and we know the extreme level of trauma that he still suffers and the lengths he will go to to ensure that it never happens again.

Also shoutout to the Aligned novels where we see him before the abuse really starts (though Megatron and Shockwave basically traumatize and power play him on purpose) where he is an absolute fucking badass and takes Megatron on head-on at a disadvantage and puts up a DAMN good fight. And looks him straight in the eye when threatened, like he does not give a Fuck.

We see how goddamn obvious the before and after is. We see how utterly afraid and miserable Star is and how he will do anything to kill Megatron, will do anything to try to make himself feel safe. (Or safer.) We see not only the sheer difference in size between Starscream and Megatron, but the difference in the power versus the powerlessness. Here’s the thing about Starscream, his whole personality and physical appearance in TFP is crafted around him not being very strong (physically)--it’s all about his mind being his sharpest weapon. (I have to note that this doesn’t mean he’s not a good fighter--he most certainly is, he’s proved that, and that for a bot his size he’s actually pretty strong. Also we gonna talk about the melee capability he has and how agile he is because this guy’s got spikey-pointy bits all over his body including what look like pile-bunkers on his elbows and claws like knives). Starscream can kill Megatron, and he’s come really close to it more than once. But he often feels like he doesn’t have the power to do it. He doesn’t fight back when Megatron beats the hell of out him, he either tries to get away and/or begs him to stop. It’s so damn relate-able and it makes me hurt inside.

Also for the record I don’t see the problem here as Starscream very clearly being a queer-coded character. (Though we can talk about in general queer-coding villains in media.) I DO see a problem with Starscream being a queer-coded character who used as a punching bad and constantly beat up by a hyper-masculine character (Megatron), and Starscream as being constantly kicked around, made fun of, and having to suffer because of his femininity, lack of strength, lack of control, etc.

For the trash-mess that was the RID sequel (there are still loveable bits though) one thing they DID get right was the expression of absolute hatred, fear, and bitterness that Starscream feels regarding his suffering at Megatron’s hands, and his entire reason for reappearing is to kill Megatron. Good on Starscream for calling out all the awful and horrible shit that Megatron did to him. AND calling out Bumblebee for the exact same ridiculing/belittling bullshit he tried to pull on him (which, as we saw, completely worked as a distraction because of how much it upset Star).

(Also can we talk about how the Dark Star Sabre “rejected” him and how Bee’s making fun of him because hahaa!! Look at you Starscream!! You’re such a failure that an EVIL SWORD rejected you!! But in actuality let’s think about the implications of this and wouldn’t this be a neat piece to reference for an Aligned redemption arc?? But I know that’s never gonna happen.)

And don’t get me started on the whole design change (the RID design itself was badass as fuck, the 180 from the TFP design and the reason for it was absolute utter fucking rotten dogshit) because I’m still pissed as fuck about that too.

-- You know. I think there’s a lot of differences between Starscream and Megatron but I think the one that sticks out to me the most is that Starscream never became his abuser the way Megatron did. Sure, we don’t know for sure, and maybe never will, but let’s also take note that for the short time that he was in charge of the Deceptions when Megatron fucked off to go get the Dark Energon and then was on life support or whatever, Starscream was aiming for big things (yes, devilishly evil in many cases but for fuck’s sake he’s at least competent, and he knows what he’s doing). Also yeah, we’ve seen him lash out at/smack people, but this really isn’t anywhere near on the same dimension plane as what Megatron does to him on a regular basis.

-- To me, Starscream’s the goddamn strongest character in the whole show (I don’t mean in brute strength, I mean strength of will and perseverance). He’s a survivor and he’s trying his damn hardest to keep surviving. We know damn well no one else is going to lift a finger to help or look out for him so he’s done that for himself. He’s absolutely ruthless and a menace but he’s been through some Shit and I just hope to hell and back he gets a happy ending somehow.

[hailrosa-a]

can you write an hc on rosa's mental health?

OF COURSE I AM READY TO ATTACK THIS LEMME GO OFF  !!!! 

also this is really long  … pls lemme know if u actually read OMG

okay in all honestly, rosalie’s mental health is fucked. now, im not being funny or anything but if you really think about it… i would be SURPRISED if she didn’t have issues.  SM completely glazed over the night rosalie was turned  && then after. she was raped by not just one man, who was supposed to LOVE HER, but by his friends too. then instantly she finds herself living her life as a different species, not having her birth family around —-  her mother. && she couldn’t go to the police about it bc technically her being a newborn would have risked so much. 

so who did she have?

rosalie was gang-raped and beaten left to die. who was she to get help from to recover from this? esme? esme’s situation was domestic violence ( not downplaying that in anyway ) but it wouldn’t be the same to rosalie. rosalie’s situation had happened out of nowhere, royce never drank in front of her. she had never seen him drunk. so his behavior had completely surprised her  && up until that point she TRUSTED him. sure the whole relationship was solely based off physical attraction but she was going to MARRY this man, she had placed trust in him to care for her. she saw him as her PRINCE. && then in one drunken night he completely destroyed that. && then as he walks away, they all JOKE about how royce would need to find another bride… literally treating her like she was nothing. 

though carlisle was a doctor, i dont think he had any experience or any proper way of handling rape victims. he, at least that i know of, didn’t really focus on psychology. so it wasn’t like HE was the one rosalie wanted to talk to. even if she hadn’t resented him. BUT i have it as headcanon, or it could be canon lol like i said SM glazed over it, that rosalie didn’t resent carlisle completely because he took her humanity from her. royce had already taken that from her when he left her to die. she resented carlisle because now she couldn’t escape that night. && based off how the book goes, everyone ( aside from alice ) they all seem to remember when they were changed  && then every moment after. human memories fading more. so rosalie’s most prominent human memory was being raped. so because of carlisle, she couldn’t escape it. at least if she were dead, she was dead. end of story. 

off the bat, edward has no interest in her. now —- its shallow thinking, yes —- but after this girl had her whole appearance being the envy of a lot of women && every man wanted her… now suddenly after a traumatic night, she’s suddenly undesirable. all she had now were her looks. before she had a family, her future, and her looks. now it was just her appearance because she couldnt go with her birth family ever again && she had no future. i do believe that rosalie is narcissistic && self-centered as a defense mechanism. she was like this before, but because she had let it get to her head. NOW, after that night —- as most rape victims feel  —- she felt dirty, used, unloved, unappreciated, etc. SO for the first time she is with a man after everything, he wants nothing to do with her. confidence plummets, she can’t let it affect her. so she builds up more confidence in herself, but it translates into her being full of herself, shallow, etc. 

so!!! for the first couple of months/years, of now living with the cullens. she had no one to talk about that night with. she tries SO hard to forget that in the first months she doesn’t bring it up  && with edward around, she refuses to think about. she thinks about her beauty. she admires herself because it makes her happy. her face is human yet inhumane at the same time – to her. anyways, she couldn’t get professional help. “I’m a vampire now after my ex-fiance && her friends gang-raped me… so now i cant sleep to escape that night… && any medications you would want to give me for the anxiety wouldn’t help anyways lol” first, she’s a newborn so being with new people ( at least at the time ) who knew if she had control? second, she would have to leave things out  &&  IM NOT SURE ABOUT YOU BUT I DONT THINK THEY HANDLED RAPE CASES THE SAME AS THEY DO NOW. third, royce had money. rosalie describes his family as NY royalty. so, they wouldn’t have done anything for rosalie. seeking professional help was just not in the cards for her.

seeking revenge on royce && his friend was her therapy. she needed it. if she hadn’t done anything, another girl could have gotten the same treatment. rosalie’s case would have been swept under the rug. royce would marry someone else eventually && the life of rosalie would have been nothing. && rosalie was not having that. she would rather have his death connected with her disappearance than have his successes throughout the rest of his life overpower his wrongdoings.  

FAST FORWARD TO WHEN SHE SAVES EMMETT…. i call bullshit on how everything was fine once she has him. she forgives carlisle yes because he saved someone for her… but does she suddenly stop thinking about what happened to her? edward still considers himself a monster after going through his rebellious stage. so she has to still think about. EMMETT DOES MAKE IT BETTER THOUGH. HE KNOWS WHEN SHE’S THINKING ABOUT IT. HE RESPECTS THE TIME IT TAKES FOR HER TO LET HIM TOUCH HER. but he reminds her constantly that she is beautiful. he wouldn’t let anything harm her. 

&& in the house, only Emmett && maybe Edward ( but also not really??? bc he calls her an assassin… even though he KNEW the reason && KNEW that she didn’t enjoy it… && calls her a drama queen )  truly know how she feels && respect whats shes been through. now im not saying that they should treat her like gold or walk on egg shells around her. BUT no one reaches out to her.  && in midnight sun, when alice says how she should think about someone other than herself… it strikes a cord in rosalie BECAUSE SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT EDWARD. it was done in an “eeeehh it could’ve been handled better” kind of way… && she did just want her family together again… BUT everyone else had no plan. she had a plan. she went through with it. her selfless acts completely overshadowed by her more selfish attitude. 

NOT TO MENTION that when rosalie wants to kill bella… it’s NOT BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T LIKE BELLA ( kinda ). its because THE ONE FAMILY SHE HAS will be killed if anything goes bad… the volturi will kill her parents && edward ( who she has known the longest out of anyone else aside from carlisle & esme ), HER MATE, && jasper & alice, who have become her family. SHE THINKS SELFLESSLY but because she cares about her appearance… she’s selfish 100% of the time. 

alsooooo, she could be seen as the outcast of the family. all her siblings have a gift. emmett has incredible strength. carlisle helps people, has compassion, && is  most of their creators. && esme has love, a strong love for everyone. her “gift”, enhanced beauty, is nothing compared to that. her skill is the most human, a skilled mechanic. she brings nothing to the table —-  going back to using the narcissistic && self-centered attitude as a defense mechanism. 

all in all, idk how to bring it all together so i just vomited everything i feel about rosalie hale. because everything she does, has a reason. it’s bullshit to just call her the queen bitch when she’s had trauma happen to her with no help provided for her.