#dratz vents

[saintgale]

Forgive me. I’m having feelings and I think have talked about this a lot on a side blog before, but wanted to try to condense some of my thoughts on this here because I’m still bitter and upset after all this time, whoops.

This is about Starscream’s treatment in TFP.

There’s a lot of text below the cut and also tw for abuse mention. Also spoilers for TFP, some Aligned stuff, and TAAO.

Also warning that I’m going to get sort of heated here and I’m not making the best case for him (bc I’m emotional right now), and these points are not, as they are now, grounds for a really sound argument because there are holes and patches and references missing. Also let me say up front I don’t condone Starscream’s behavior, I am not trying to make excuses for anything that he’s done--but that’s not what this is about. This is more about his treatment in the series by other characters, through the fourth wall in the writing, etc. This is more about how victimized he is and how he’s painted so often as the end-all-be-all villain of the century when there’s so much more to it than that. I feel like so many times his suffering was meant for comic relief or to make a moment for another character. Also how everyone was bent on him being Evil when he was trying to be something else.

This isn’t about painting Starscream as a “good guy” or trying to make him look good. This isn’t about trying to pardon him from all the wrong he’s done. It is about what I see as pretty gross injustice and how damn relate-able he was as an abuse survivor.

-- Recall, he wanted to swap sides. We don’t know for certain how this would turn out bc the Autobots wouldn’t give him the chance but you know what, they have the same target, being Megatron. Starscream could have been invaluable: he could have helped them tremendously even if it was in the end just for his own gain. But damn would I like to think what could have happened if for once in the goddamn show someone treated him with an ounce of kindness.

You know what he does when confronted with Cluffjumper’s murder--he admits his mistake. He admits he made many. He repeatedly voices that he wants to CHANGE and he DOESN’T WANT TO FIGHT HER. (Fair, we don’t know if this was genuine or just excuses made to try to cover his ass, but seeing as he explicitly asked to join the Autobots at the beginning of the episode and made no attempts to resist, gave them the info they wanted, and didn’t once threaten them even when they treated him poorly--ex: battering and dragging him around, I’d say he was well on the path to trying to be honest with them).

It’s only when it’s clear that Arcee is going to murder him (ie: force him into combat when he’s being held prisoner and is very much going to fight to the death) that he turns on her. And then gets really nasty, because tbfh if she’s going to just treat him like a criminal and force him into a battle while he’s the Autobots’ prisoner, and no one’s going to give him a chance, etc., why should he hold back?

-- Here’s the thing about Starscream: he literally cannot afford to trust anyone and it’s painful to watch. He has been conditioned to look out only for himself, because he’s HAD TO to survive. Megatron has quite literally beaten it into him that he can’t rely on anyone else, he’s alone, no one wants him, and that if he doesn’t continuously prove his worth, he could be killed at any minute. Pair this with constantly being ostracized, threatened, yelled at, punched, blamed, etc., and here you have Starscream’s already existing paranoia all bundled up in the most on-edge ball of nerves you ever did see.

-- He has to trade information for medical care. (Ie: He can’t “prove his worth?” Then he’s labeled as useless and left to die or punished for it--but Star’s damn used to that by this point, right?) Given I understand the Autobots had limited resources themselves and then again this is Starscream but he was defenseless and asking them for help in a time of need. As if saving Arcee’s life from Arachnid or helping them locate the Harbinger and begging to join their side beforehand wasn’t enough proof that the potential for him to change was there--he wanted to change--but no one would give him a chance.

-- He was gravely injured and literally begging for his life on his the goddamn floor and Ratchet and Bulkhead were content to let him die. Alone, vulnerable, out in the middle of nowhere with no affiliation, when no one else knew where the hell he was, when he had renounced his allegiance to the Decepticons. He was a neutral at that point. He was literally disabled (ie: forcibly had one of his internal organs removed from his body so he couldn’t transform into his alt mode or even transform his arm into his gun to defend himself) and starving and left to fend for himself with whatever little resources his brilliant mind could scrounge up from the NOTHING he had to work with.

Sure, Star is notorious for being a trickster/backstabber, but for fuck’s sake at points he was lying there BLEEDING OUT on the ground, and he had already shown before that a) he was MORE THAN WILLING to join the Autobots and help them out instead and BEGGED THEM TO LET HIM JOIN and that b) he had ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION to do any harm to them. As if he were even in the state to hurt them if he wanted to. Damn.

Again. It would be well within the Autobots’ rights to be cautious/take precautions around him. But the level of disregard for even his life was concerning. Yeah, there was a war going on, yeah he was their enemy, but he had no affiliation at that point--he was literally all alone and begging for medical attention, would it be that much to show some empathy?

Like I keep thinking of that line Optimus has at one point (I think there are several iterations of it throughout the series) something like “every sentient being deserves the chance for redemption,” how 1) not only was Optimus content to let Megatron into the Autobot base when they were fighting Unicron, but 2) lets him fuck off into space in Predacons Rising because apparently Megatron now understands “the true meaning of oppression.”

No shit, man? Isn’t that what sparked the Decepticon uprising in the first place? I’m pretty sure Megatron put Starscream through a hell of a lot more than what Unicron did to him in that brief period of time, but Starscream just doesn’t seem to be able to catch a break. When he does show some signs of potential change, it gets brushed off or denied.

-- I’m pretty sure the Autobots KNOW how awfully Starscream is treated by Megatron (and this is a joke, it’s supposed to be something funny and it’s sickening--G1 even had a Heroes laugh about Starscream’s mistreatment as they ride off into the sunset moment, if I recall). Starscream has literally been beaten within inches of death, to the point of hospitalization, and for SHOW in front of the Decepticon troops, and left with his entire body, head to fucking toe, littered with scars, scrapes, dents, etc. We’ve seen him scream and beg and get down on his hands and knees and pray to Megatron not to hurt him. And yet he seizes up and is completely powerless to stop it--watching it physically hurts me. He’s so fucking terrified of Megatron that he flinches and shrinks back and winces wen approached by him, when Megatron raises his voice, or fuck forbid his fist.

-- I love Bulkhead and all for but his gentle-giant act his literal response to Starscream not wanting to tell him where the exit of the Nemesis ship was was to beat the life out of him. (Turns out this was a clone, but Bulkhead killed it. He would have killed Starscream over Star not wanting to give him information because low and behold! Bulkhead didn’t have anything to offer him back. Which is really fucking funny considering when it was the other way around, with Starscream being desperate for help, Bulkhead and Ratchet wouldn’t even consider giving him the medical attention he needed unless Star coughed up intel they could use.) He’s not only Megatron’s punching bag, it’s like he’s everyone’s punching bag. Just because he’s fucking there. And hearing him scream and cry is funny apparently.

-- Get this, Starscream was SO DESPERATE that he went BACK HIS ABUSER instead of trying again to ask the Autobots to join them. He pulled off the impossible because he’s fucking brilliant--something that Megatron was never able to do: infiltrate the Autobot base (let us also recall that Starscream had been collecting intel since early season 1 on the base’s location, but he literally sets up a trap to get in through their ground bridge despite the world spitting into his face) and steal the Omega Keys. Which he uses, of all things, as bargaining chips to try to negotiate his way back into the Decepticon ranks--he even is willing to forsake his position as Second In Command, he just wants some goddamn patch of dirt to stand on at this point.

-- I stand by my statement that Starscream absolutely proved more than once through the series that he not only had the potential to change, but he really wanted to change. But no one else seemed to want to accept that change, and no one was willing to give him the room to grow on it or prove that he really was trying to better himself. He spends every second of his life in Megatron’s presence cowering in absolute fear (bar when Megatron was in a goddamn coma on life support and thus could not hurt him), and trying to find ways to make sure that no one can hurt him. I’m convinced that his actions and his goddamn levels of treachery/me-against-everyone-else is because it’s been proven to him over and over and over again that no one will help him, no one cares about him, and no one is willing to give him a chance to be anything but evil scheming Starscream. So at the end of it all what goddamn choice does he even have?

-- He doesn’t even know how to accept compliments. I don’t mean flattery/you scratch my back I scratch yours types of things, I mean like. Out of the blue really sincere stuff. Like when they think they’re gonna die and Knockout says something nice to him, and he just like. Shuts the fuck up and looks away and gets all flustered? I seriously have a hard time recalling any points where another character is legitimately nice to Starscream (let’s be fair, is he particularly nice to anyone else?, it doesn’t seem so, but then again who the hell has given him a reason to be anything else but hyper-aware and suspicious?) and that kind of just hurts.

-- THANK FUCK in TAAO he got the redemption arc he so rightfully deserved and it was handled pretty well imo, and at the end of it all, he was described, by the author, as exactly what he is: an abuse-victim. I’m still salty as fuck that Megatron got ANOTHER get out of jail free card in MTMTE/LL and gets to fuck off and around the galaxy on a space journey (again) while Starscream winds up punished via life in prison but that’s out of my hands.

I don’t know if it’s a coincidence that Ms. Scott worked as an assistant writer on TFP (and was probably well-aware of what TFP Star went through and the details of his character) and that TAAO Star gets such a goddamn well-written redemption arc and blatant address to the horrors that he’s had to suffer through in his life, particularly the physical and emotional abuse he had to endure at Megatron’s hands, but there’s some similarities here.

-- I’m not saying what Starscream (in any verse) does was right or anything like that, but what I am saying is that particularly in the case of TFP (and TAAO) his actions are understandable. We know why he’s doing what he’s doing and we know the extreme level of trauma that he still suffers and the lengths he will go to to ensure that it never happens again.

Also shoutout to the Aligned novels where we see him before the abuse really starts (though Megatron and Shockwave basically traumatize and power play him on purpose) where he is an absolute fucking badass and takes Megatron on head-on at a disadvantage and puts up a DAMN good fight. And looks him straight in the eye when threatened, like he does not give a Fuck.

We see how goddamn obvious the before and after is. We see how utterly afraid and miserable Star is and how he will do anything to kill Megatron, will do anything to try to make himself feel safe. (Or safer.) We see not only the sheer difference in size between Starscream and Megatron, but the difference in the power versus the powerlessness. Here’s the thing about Starscream, his whole personality and physical appearance in TFP is crafted around him not being very strong (physically)--it’s all about his mind being his sharpest weapon. (I have to note that this doesn’t mean he’s not a good fighter--he most certainly is, he’s proved that, and that for a bot his size he’s actually pretty strong. Also we gonna talk about the melee capability he has and how agile he is because this guy’s got spikey-pointy bits all over his body including what look like pile-bunkers on his elbows and claws like knives). Starscream can kill Megatron, and he’s come really close to it more than once. But he often feels like he doesn’t have the power to do it. He doesn’t fight back when Megatron beats the hell of out him, he either tries to get away and/or begs him to stop. It’s so damn relate-able and it makes me hurt inside.

Also for the record I don’t see the problem here as Starscream very clearly being a queer-coded character. (Though we can talk about in general queer-coding villains in media.) I DO see a problem with Starscream being a queer-coded character who used as a punching bad and constantly beat up by a hyper-masculine character (Megatron), and Starscream as being constantly kicked around, made fun of, and having to suffer because of his femininity, lack of strength, lack of control, etc.

For the trash-mess that was the RID sequel (there are still loveable bits though) one thing they DID get right was the expression of absolute hatred, fear, and bitterness that Starscream feels regarding his suffering at Megatron’s hands, and his entire reason for reappearing is to kill Megatron. Good on Starscream for calling out all the awful and horrible shit that Megatron did to him. AND calling out Bumblebee for the exact same ridiculing/belittling bullshit he tried to pull on him (which, as we saw, completely worked as a distraction because of how much it upset Star).

(Also can we talk about how the Dark Star Sabre “rejected” him and how Bee’s making fun of him because hahaa!! Look at you Starscream!! You’re such a failure that an EVIL SWORD rejected you!! But in actuality let’s think about the implications of this and wouldn’t this be a neat piece to reference for an Aligned redemption arc?? But I know that’s never gonna happen.)

And don’t get me started on the whole design change (the RID design itself was badass as fuck, the 180 from the TFP design and the reason for it was absolute utter fucking rotten dogshit) because I’m still pissed as fuck about that too.

-- You know. I think there’s a lot of differences between Starscream and Megatron but I think the one that sticks out to me the most is that Starscream never became his abuser the way Megatron did. Sure, we don’t know for sure, and maybe never will, but let’s also take note that for the short time that he was in charge of the Deceptions when Megatron fucked off to go get the Dark Energon and then was on life support or whatever, Starscream was aiming for big things (yes, devilishly evil in many cases but for fuck’s sake he’s at least competent, and he knows what he’s doing). Also yeah, we’ve seen him lash out at/smack people, but this really isn’t anywhere near on the same dimension plane as what Megatron does to him on a regular basis.

-- To me, Starscream’s the goddamn strongest character in the whole show (I don’t mean in brute strength, I mean strength of will and perseverance). He’s a survivor and he’s trying his damn hardest to keep surviving. We know damn well no one else is going to lift a finger to help or look out for him so he’s done that for himself. He’s absolutely ruthless and a menace but he’s been through some Shit and I just hope to hell and back he gets a happy ending somehow.

[saintgale]

I’m just. Venting a little about stupid art things.

It’s super frustrating to me when popular artists complain constantly about not getting enough views/likes/engagement/whatever on their art. Like, I get it. Especially once I guess someone has gotten used to a certain amount of interaction, be that likes or comments or whatever, but here I am still bitterly happy if I can get like. 10 likes on an art post. (Which, thank you so much to those of you who do, it’s like each and every one is a little smile that lights up my day, and I appreciate it very much.) Here and there I will get one that “blows up” to me (these are fanart posts, and I’m only talking like, a few hundred notes, which for me is a mindblowing amount), but it’s disheartening and discouraging when I put so much time, so much into making art and there’s nothing to show for it.

I know I shouldn’t, and I do not, make art to get engagement on my posts, and I have long ago given up the “gauging my self worth on how much interaction I get,” even though that mindset is STILL lodged into me (”you don’t get engagement on your artwork because your artwork is bad”), that I am not good enough, that I will never be good enough, that my art sucks. At the end of the day I’m drawing things like my characters because they make me happy, but damn if it wouldn’t be nice to be at a place, like those popular artists, who constantly have people asking about their ocs and reblogging their oc art and all that. I know it’s not going to happen to me, and that’s okay. But when I see people with like, consistently hundreds or thousands of interactions on their content, who have thousands of followers, and then are like “I’m underrated” and all that, it’s like, then what does that make the rest of us “invisible” artists?

I will make a small disclaimer up front that I’m not upset at their success (if anything I’m happy for it), it’s not anything like that, it’s more frustration at myself as to why I can’t reach that, and frustration that the consumer media culture has made it so that nothing is ever “enough.” (And I get that wanting to still grow and improve is perfectly valid.) But the whole phenomenon of making someone who has tens of thousands of followers and constant interaction with their content feel as if that still isn’t “enough” is really awful, for them and for everyone else who can’t “make it” like that.

And look. I know my art’s not “great.” It’s certainly not “professional” quality or anything like that, and I constantly struggle to find what I like about it or to just refrain from putting myself down about it. And part of the reason is the shit like this, the feeling that “no one likes it” and that it’s “not good enough” to get interaction or commissions. And I know, I know deep down that’s not true, that on the technical side I am the same skill level as some of these more popular people, then I think, well there must be something wrong with what I’m doing or something wrong with me.

It’s like. You pour your heart and soul out into trying to make things and trying to improve and you throw it out there and it just sits there. And rots.

It just kills you inside. And yes, there’s that stubborn part of me that persists and will always persist, that I make art for me, I make art because I like to, I do not make art to measure my self-worth or my success, I do not make art to try to beg for interaction, I make art because it makes me happy. But at the end of it all, it’s still a slap in the face. It still hurts, you know?

Especially when you try, and you’ve been trying for years, and it’s never amounted to anything. Years, and there must be something wrong with me, because I’m still stuck here, in the same place, I think with even less interaction than I used to get (I think that’s just because some people have moved on, and some people just left bc of the whole tumblr bullshit thing, which is totally understandable and okay), but what do you do after that? There’s no hope left, really. It’s just the feeling that you’re going to be a nobody forever, that no one cares, no one will care, that your art will always suck, and there’s nothing you can do about it no matter how hard you try. (So why try anymore?)

Also another thing I’m just salty and bitter about that’s somewhat related: not being able to sell commissions when I see popular artists around similar skill levels charging even more than x2 my prices for some things and getting commissions constantly/people asking about them constantly. (Which I know of course doesn’t mean people will buy in that second scenario, but it’s still so frustrating.) This goes also to adopts, which I don’t do and don’t buy (no money even if I wanted to lol), but I see the “popular” designs go for several times the amount of designs with similar detail and all that, the only difference being they’re done by smaller artists. Which, yeah, I also know right now the whole world is fucked and we’re all trying to just scrape by and keep ourselves afloat. And buying art is a luxury, I know that and I think artists absolutely should be charging more for their work. It is just, again, frustrating and disheartening, that I can’t even make a decent living wage on things even when I do sell. (And, again, then it just goes back to the stupid little voice in my head that goes, “Dratz, your art isn’t worth that. No one wants to pay that much for your bad art.” And I know that’s all bs but it still stings and persists.)

Which, again, thank you from the bottom of my heart to those who do commission me. I appreciate you all and love drawing for you!

I really hope this doesn’t come off as me being ungrateful for all that I do have--I am very humbled and of course immensely thankful. Sorry I’m just not good at articulating my thoughts and feelings.