#not black enough

[curewhimsy]

It makes me sad how stereotypically white I am sometimes /vent

I’m half black and half Korean and I constantly feel disconnected to my black side, which is the color that stands out the most on my face.

I just feel like I don’t belong in the black community. I want to belong. I DO have internalized racism but I am trying my best to work through it. I haven’t yet learned to be proud of my skin, which I feel sets me apart when more. Also, I love Japanese pop culture so much and I feel like that’s such a “white people interest.”

I know it isn’t right, but in middle and high school I was depressed because I wasn’t born in Japan. Over time I eventually learned not to fetishize and to love myself, but I’ve never really met another black person with my level of weebiness. A lot of black/POC had to mature early because life dealt them a bad hand. I am extremely privileged in that aspect. I haven’t personally faced most of the oppression other black or POC have. So I’m very sheltered and I don’t know how to stand up for myself. Shy and meek black people like me exist. But I have rarely ever seen it represented.

On top of all that, I’m mentally ill and cannot hide it. I lost count how many times depression and CPTSD is considered as some white people shit or wheveter. Black people might have even higher ratios of mental illness (probably) but learned to hide their disabilities or don’t realize they have it because of lack of awareness. I feel different because mine are so obvious. I feel like such an outsider.

Sorry if this post is somehow offensive, but every day I struggle with not feeling black enough. I’m not trying to put all black people into a box or pull the “not like other (black) girls card” because I feel a lot of people feel similarly to me but can’t embrace it because black people are always expected to be a certain way. I’m sick of it.

[strawberry-dykery-blog]

Not Black Enough

I am not white.

That sentence alone has taken me the most part of my life to accept. Of course I was aware of how my race was perceived by others. That my hair was too big to sit at the front in assemblies. That I was frequently mistaken for the only other mixed race girl in school. But I was socialised in a white community, with a White dad and a Black mum who struggled with her own feelings of internalised inferiority. We never had conversations about race. Only after reading critical race theory, and starting discussions with my family, have I been able to recognise that the comment "Wow your hair is so impressive" is not a compliment. And that being called "exotic looking" is in fact a microaggression.

So why do I, as someone who has clearly been effected by racism, feel like I am not black enough to talk about it?

I, like so many other mixed race individuals, feel a sense of imposter syndrome when acknowledging my ethnic identity.

Coined in 1978, imposter syndrome refers to the act of doubting ones’ accomplishments, and is often accompanied by the irrational fear of being exposed as a fraud.[1] This definition has since been applied through a racial lens, used to describe feelings of estrangement experiences as a result of racial identity. For people from mixed backgrounds, this can present as feeling as if they “do not have the right to claim or present that identity”[2]

In "Façade Trauma"[3], Kayli Evans recounts her experiences of racial imposter syndrome, and acknowledges the constant need to prove her "authenticity and existence as a bi-racial person." I, and I’m sure many other mixed raced individuals, am all too familiar with over-enthusiastic comments. Some of my favourites I have been asked are:

You are so exotic looking, What are you? (Umm a person?)

I’m so tanned, I am darker than Loz! (Not hard, I spend too much time indoors)

How come your dad it white, are you adopted? (Really need to revisit GCSE biology)

And my personal (least)favourite

Which racial slurs can you say?

At this point I have most likely walked away.

Although sometimes humorous, these comments are what contributes to mixed raced alienation – the feeling of being isolated from both the white community and the black community. And this is why, despite accepting the fact that I am not white, I still feel like a fraud when I say “I am black”. I experience this particularly around other black people. I know that I am not victimised by society as much. I have never faced aggression, or been verbally/physically assaulted, because of my race. Unfortunately, I know that other members of my family cannot say the same. This is a form of white guilt, the concept that white people bare a collective responsibility for harm from historical and present racial treatment. In a Western Context, this is often seen in the form of white colonial guilt.

White guilt has a unique impact on mixed race individuals with part white ethnicity. A study by Marcella Emily Galvez Wagner's [4] examined guilt amongst mixed-race individuals. This manifested in various contexts, including college admissions and affirmative action. One respondent discussed the guilt they felt when disclosing their identity, fearing they were inadvertently taking away opportunities from other racial minority individuals with greater needs. Furthermore, some mixed-race individuals feel hesitant when discussing experiences of oppression, fearing they overshadow the struggles of darker skinned individuals who face greater oppression.

But why should my identity be solely defined by my experiences of oppression? I am finding empowerment and pride in reading further into my heritage and embracing my identity. I have the unique ability of understanding and experiencing oppression, whilst possessing the privilege to actively speak against it. This post alone has helped me confront my own racial imposter syndrome, and allowed me to open up about my experiences, something which I have not felt I had the space to do so. 

I suggest watching this discussion featuring Jim Braude, Shirley Leung, and Michael Jeffries as a concise and insightful introduction to white guilt, privilege, and their potential for positive impact.

I also suggest watching this brief overview of Robin DiAngelo's book "White Fragility," exploring why discussions about racism are challenging for white individuals, and why they are necessary regardless.

[cato-of-blamesociety]

#Black #History #Program Performance | snippet/teaser 2 | Closing Remarks | #32weeksmixtape

On 2/28/24, I had the opportunity to perform a poem, we will call "Mustard Seed" which is actually a verse from my project #32weeksmixtape at the elementary school I work at as part of the Black History Program.

Full recording of the live performance:

#Beyoncé #TheLionKing #jayz #ChildishGambino #OumouSangaré #TheGift #blackwomen #Venus #goddess #elementaryschool #schoolcounselor #publicschool #blackhistorymonth #blackart #poetry #spokenword #singleparent #singlemomlife #singlemother

[hrast-ika]

shared dreams

[neverendingcomplaints]

I spent

so much time (and still spend more time than I care to, tbh) thinking that I wasn't enough. Not "black" enough. Not smart enough. Not cool enough. Not shapely enough. So much so, that I shied away from potential friendships and opportunities to connect because I was so afraid of anyone pointing that out to me. Noticing my weaknesses. Noticing how ashamed I was of myself, and how even that shamed me.

I've been slowly trying to heal from that, and it's definitely gotten better but it still hurts sometimes when I talk or think about it. Even at my big age, I'm still striving to get to a place where I feel like I am sufficient.

[cinemamind]

🦕👻

[jodielandons]

2024 Paris Olympic gold medalist, JORDAN CHILES + her diamond & gold grill

[sad-littletalker]

If Bruce is covering as Nightwing right now, who's acting as Batman in Gotham?

Tim: ok so any takers for the cowl?

*everyone looks at Jason as he is the second oldest*

Jason: oh no way. Absolutely not. Tim?

Tim: after evil gun Batman? ha. Nope. Plus DC doesn't pay much attention to me to make a good story about that.

Damian: may I-

Everyone: no.

Stephanie: OH I COULD BE PURPLE BATMAN!

Cassandra: I want to be Batman if Steph is my Robin

*everyone considers it*

Tim: that... isn't a bad idea actually. I like it.

[tieflingkisser]

Body-cam video shows Illinois officer fatally shooting Black woman in face

White deputy Sean Grayson shot Sonya Massey, who called police in fear of a home intruder, after boiling water dispute

Massey, whom her daughter confirmed was paranoid-schizophrenic, had called police because she thought someone was trying to break into her home. When police arrived, they began looking into Massey’s home with flashlights, a neighbor, Cheryl Evans, told the Guardian. Evans wondered why police had not knocked on her door, as they typically have done in the past when searching for suspects. Eventually, Grayson, who is white, and his partner entered the home where they began speaking to Massey. After an initial discussion and request for Massey’s driver’s license,Grayson spotted a pot of boiling water on the stove and ordered Massey to remove it to avoid starting a fire. In doing so, Massey asks the officers – who visibly distance themselves from her as she goes to handle the pot – why they moved away from her. “Where you going?” she asks them. “Away from your hot steaming water,” Grayson answers, with a laugh, before Massey responds: “Away from the hot steaming water? Oh, I’ll rebuke you in the name of Jesus.” With his gun drawn, Grayson closed the distance between himself and Massey, who was beginning to kneel behind a counter with her hands up. “You better fucking not, I swear to God I’ll fucking shoot you right in your fucking face,” Grayson warned. Massey can be heard saying, “I’m sorry,” as Grayson continues to advance. “I’m sorry,” she says again as Grayson fires three shots, striking her with a bullet below the eye that exited from the back of her neck. As Massey lay dying on her kitchen floor, Grayson says he’ll go get his medical kit to render aid. “That’s a headshot. She’s done,” Grayson says before going to get the med kit. As the pair stand there with their guns still drawn, Grayson says: “I’m not taking a bullet out of her fucking head,” then points out that the water from the pot had reached his feet. “What else can we do?” Grayson asks his partner. “I’m not taking hot boiling water to the fucking face.”

[...]

Massey’s death carries on a troubling legacy of racial violence in Springfield: Massey’s family said she is a descendant of William Donnegan, a Black man who was lynched by a white mob but survived during the city’s infamous 1908 race riots that took 17 Black lives over a two-day period in mid-August of that year. As a result of the violence and carnage, a group of white and Black Americans banded together to create the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP). Massey’s family said that the irony of having to reach out to the NAACP for help after her killing is not lost on them.

[halloweenorangesoda]

let him be fucked up sega hes earned the right

[talos-stims]

the computer blade | source

[angarchive]

can regulus grab me next

[technically-human]

The infamous puppy debacle of '94

[quiddie]

Just had a friend show me a conversation in a fan discord about Suvi as a Black American woman in the context of the fallout from the election. And honestly? Yeah. The blueprint is simple: Black women are expected to put their own priorities and emotions on hold to show up for everyone else's battles and hold endless space for everyone's feelings while simultaneously weathering attacks on our character (oh she's so angry/aggressive/violent/rude) and authority (she's a woke hire/affirmative action quota/nepobaby) without complaint. We're expected to save the day under nigh-impossible circumstance, and with fewer resources and support that is AT BEST, conditional.

So yeah, relistening to Suvi's speech in The Witness hurts now. Because that's exactly the feeling I'm wrestling with, and what I see mirrored in the Black women around me. We are exhausted and angry and sad. Those voter percentages are a betrayal of "we" that was promised by other marginalized groups when speaking of the interconnectedness of our liberation. And the unexamined expectation that we immediately rise from the depths of our despair to prepare for the next fight is a cruelty. Suvi isn't real, but if this helps lend empathy toward actual Black women in the world, then I'm glad.

[seventh-district]

Making Incorrect H:SR Quotes Until I Run Out of (hopefully) Original Ideas - Pt. 5 - I Finally Finished the 2.2 Main Quest Edition

[Pt. 1] [Pt. 2] [Pt. 3] [Pt. 4] [Pt. 6]

[syrcinus]

jegulus sketches :p