#none of them texted her back
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made it to the last chapter for my insurance studying but i’m going to be raging the whole time because it’s workman’s comp and all i’m going to be thinking about is my panini work mom who had an oven door fall on her and (as far as i know) was never able to get workman’s comp to cover her back surgery
#fuck panera fuck insurance#melissa i hope you’re doing well#the last time i saw her she came in sick#she had texted the managers she had to pull over on the side of the highway to throw up#none of them texted her back#i had to call them#they were surprised she came in#like you fuckers didn’t tell her not to#she was crying because she thought they wouldn’t send me help if she left like girl i will be ok#she got me sick as fuck and i never saw her again#i really miss her#this has a lot more identifying info than i would normally post on tumblr so i might delete but i need to rant#before i lock in and do this shit
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i think one of the most disappointing things is to see that your childhood friends have grown up to represent the kind of people you're disappointed in
#had a friendship break up w like one of my entire friend groups of six ppl?#found out that one of the girls in our friend group had sent screenshots of our private conversation about smth I was hurt over#to a gc with our other friends (but not me ofc)#and they all proceeded to talk shit about me :// I swear the way my stomach dropped when the friend I was having the convo w#sent me screenshots of what our mutual friends were saying about me#she knew how much it would hurt me but still did it just to prove a point (though I'm certain she misrepresented our conversation + my word#to them considering she blocked out what she had initially said to them lol)#my stomach hasn't dropped like that since high school#which is exactly where I thought we left this kind of deceitful behaviour. like how are you guys twenty one and still sending screenshots#and talking bad behind only one (1) friend's back when you know she can't defend herself in that space#I immediately texted our collective gc to explain a text she had sent but failed to give context for#then told them if I'm as selfish as they say I will leave this friend group. and then I left that gc#I also texted two friends who I knew were talking shit and I sent them the screenshots that first “friend” sent and pointed out how#she blocked out what she said so I'm suspicious that she skewed our conversation so they (the two other “friends”) should be wary#I told them I understood it was fair game to stoop. this low considering neither of them tried to reach out to me to hear my side#or defend me + my privacy#for context: the original argument was me voicing out that I was upset bc that first “friend” had invited and planned with with our friend#group an event that landed on my birthday without checking in with me if I was planning to spend time with them that day#and she kept defending herself and saying she didn't know I'd plan smth (probably bc my bday is two months away lmao) and she said#the event they'd be attending is just as important and necessary as being there for my birthday?? it's literally just a party her brother#(who none of us are close to lol) is DJing at. and I brought up how I'm their close friend (not her brother) and it's not fair to call#it equally necessary. but I suspect she skewed what I said greatly considering all of our friends started calling me selfish and unfair#but yeah v v crazy and hurtful and just astonishing#salmaspeaks
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man. it hasn't even been a full half day of this event being out and im already drafting a fic for it. what an absolute RIDE thsi has been.
#will i post it? idk#it's me so its a rui fic.#its him getting worried when mizuki doesn't show up to school the next day. or the next. or the next or the next or the next#and he knows this isn't his buisness but he can't help but be worried for his dear friend#so he texts.#and they don't even read it#i cant decide if i want him to try going over to mizuki's house and talk to them (they don't open teh door)#or he can't even do that because he doesn't know where mizuki lives#GOD WAIT. what if i did a multichap and had a bunch of characters#toya getting worried too but having none of the context#he doesn't know what to do except take good notes in class for them and hope they come back soon#akito doesnt say anything or do anything#but he notices how tense ena is at home. how stressed she seems but she won't talk about it. (its mizukis secret. shes not going to out the#but aktio can't figure it out and he knows it has to do with mizuki or the cultural festival or something in her circle#but all akito can really do is leave a slice of cheesecake on the counter and keep moving forward#an is worried. and she tries talking to akito but he doesnt know and toya doesnt either#and maybe she overhears the bullies in the hallway and realizes it might be a gender thing#but she doesn't know about ena. she doesn't#but she knows how to fight for her friend so she tells the bullies to back the f off and grow up#nene not really knowing whats going on but noticing mizukis absence and everyone around her getting kinda stressed about it#how akito seems grumpier and an keeps giving some people glares#but mostly rui. whos distracted at practice and distracted at school and keeps checking his phone#and doesn't know what to do. doesn't really do anything because of it. but shes there for rui. and there for mizuki#whenevr they get back.#and kasa. oh silly ol kasa#he notices mizuki's absence and is all “hall monitor” about it for the first like. two dayts#but he notices ruis behavior first adn then an and akitos and man even nene a little#and while hes never read a social cue in his life he knows somethigns wrong. offers to put on a show with rui.#and rui. says. no.#that's when tsukasa freaks out
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#taillow#i do believe this was the first “normal/flying route-1 bird” pokémon that i ever saw. probably. i still don't know which pokémon game was my#first one between colosseum‚ diamond‚ and sapphire. all of which i still have the physical copies of to this day‚ but none of which still#have their original save files remaining on them. so i can't check the dates‚ otherwise i would#but my first pokémon game was One of those three. maybe i could ask my mom. like‚ hey‚ which one did i get first. maybe she'll remember#‘cause we always played pokémon colosseum together. she ended up thinking that that was the core series and the ones on handheld were#spinoffs because she thought the core series would be on home console. oh how naïve she was……#ok i've texted her and asked her. i'm gonna add this one to the queue and start writing the tags for swellow while i wait for her response#and i'll come back and edit this one with the results. see you then#hi! i'm back. final verdict is that i got the game boy much sooner than the gamecube. i didn't know that but now i do. she got it at#a yard sale‚ so it came with a bunch of games on it‚ which is how i ended up with pokémon sapphire. thus‚ i played that first#however‚ i didn't get very far in it because the game i liked playing the most as a kid was tony hawk underground‚ which i also had#from the yard sale. and thus i remember pokémon colosseum much better‚ because i probably didn't even get to the first gym in sapphire#so that means this IS the first normal/flying route-one bird pokémon i ever saw. we did it#now i will take my meds
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Monday blues are hitting me hard today
#you can ignore this if you want cause im gonna talk a lot of shit and sads and feelings#but as i’ve realised i literally have no one to empty my heart out to irl#and it’s fucking heartbreaking cause i love my friends but I don’t think they love me back#which is an insane though but I genuinely think it’s true like#i moved away 4 ish months ago and i know that communication comes from both side but like i wanted to test smt#so i stopped texting first and guess what?? only 2 friends texted me#1 because she’s genuinely a good friend i think and the other because she needed money (which i gave her like a fucking fool)#my heart just hurts cause i realised i’m not as important to them as they are to me and I’m completely misreading our relationship and#it sucks because I thought they were going to be my friends for life but now they’re all posting recaps of 2023 and im in none of their pics#even in pics where i was present at the time#and i dont know if it’s intentional or if im just being an insecure little bitch but it fucking hurts#i just want to be important to someone#i want to be someone’s person#not a last resort like#they keep doing stuff together which i get like life moves on and i’m the one that left#but not a single text or a pic or a ‘we miss you!’#not even a fucking heart on insta stories#am i being desperate?? or do I actually have shitty friends#like i have impostor syndrome in my own fucking friendgroup???#I can’t just drop them either cause then I’ll actually have no one#idk i must exude some sort of energy#i dont think ive ever had a genuine good best friend like for some reason they leave after 3 years#(and this is why i have trust issues and attachment disorders)#anyway I’ll probably just suck it up and go about my day#ive lived 24 years like this what’s an entire life#it’s wild cause i have a good time whenever i’m with them (i think) and then i leave and it’s crickets#i feel like hired entertainment sometimes#idk my head hurts so I’m probably overthinking but like these feelings come from somewhere right?#i have to stop
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Trying so hard to not just fucking hate my comms class but my professor is making it real hard
#our first project is to record a personal story about a life changing moment in our life and then we will get assigned someone else’s story#to read and perform and that part is the bigger grade.#like bro. I have lists of life changing experiences. none of them are ones I want to tell a room of 18-20 year olds I’ve never spoken to#and then listen to them perform it back like it’s a scene from a play. what the fuck is thought process here. I’m gonna kill myself or#perhaps someone else. our prof was talking about how ppl always seem to drop her class early like maybe if this wasn’t your first assignment#and you didn’t have a graded participation check and or quizzes at the start of every class that you aren’t able to make up less ppl would#drop your fucking class. what is wrong with you. this is insane I mean neurodivergent#also my professor just kind of sucks. ya know how ppl say the bitchiest white women will go into teaching or nursing to feel like they have#power over ppl? it’s very that. she told us on the first day she makes people leave her class if they’re texting like bro. we are adults.#there are other things happening in our fucking lives.#comms class from hell#prsnl
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something something poppy being defined by everything but her actions something something
meet my mc's:
name: poppy vesper
li: creon levesque
story: embers of hope by @embersofhope-if
#my PRECIOUS TRAGIC BABY PRINCESS 😍😍#i'm so obsessed w her and this wip it's actually insane#PAUSE AND READ THE TEXT IN THE INTRO TEHEE 🤪‼️#nat is officially back from her editing hibernation#i've been staring at this for so long now#i genuinely don't know if i like it or hate it#BUT LOOK AT THAT CLIP WITH THE OVERLAY AND THE BLENDING I DID THAT WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS I'M SO PROUD#it's kinda pretentious but i don't care#it feels so good to edit again#i've missed it#ANYWAYS CAN YOU TELL THAT THE SACRIFICIAL LAMB IS MY FAV MOTIF CAN YOU TELL CAN YOU TELL???#these tags are a mess but whatever i had fun 🤷#*my edits#meet my mc#eoh: poppy#embersofhope#also none of these pics are mine - i got them off pinterest <3
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you know what would automatically change my hatred to love for sasusaku? If their genders were reversed. Majority of the reason why I hate sasuke and sakura relationship is because the type of environment and the culture I grew up in where it's been fed to women since basically birth to always be faithful to her man no matter how terrible he treats her, even after marriage. The pharse, "Just be patient and he will change", infuriates me to another level. Seeing sakura chasing after sasuke throughout the series after numerous rejections and an attempted MURDER on her by him made me roll my eyes so hard like girl just move the fuck on omfg. And even after their "marriage" sasuke's treatment towards her doesn't get better lmao, leaving her alone with a whole ass child to take care by herself?? BYE sakura's patience for him is outmatch cus I would've divorced his ass for that. Though, the more I mature, little by little I begin to understand the complexity of their relationship after putting my gender issues aside for a second and look deep into them. And especially now, after reading your perspective on their whole relationship, it really did made half of my hatred go away and understand the relationship wholeheartedly. Like yeah, I absolutely love the trope of one person saying they don't deserve the other person's love but the other person keep loving them anyway, that stuff makes me giggle and swing my legs in the air and shit. It's just that the only way this trope would work for me if the person loving them has enough self-respect for themselves AND if it's a girl in the former & the guy in the latter. And honestly, I found naruto being borderline obsessed with sasuke annoying too but the reason why I can digest it more well is because naruto can go head to head with sasuke without backing down. Like, I wanted to see at least ONCE sakura having a heated argument with sasuke, or punch him in the face in the series. I feel like sasuke deserves a punch from her at the very least 🤷🏽♀️
Sigh, I really did wanna love their relationship and their journey to love (that scene of him catching her when she was about to fall and then having that iconic eye contact had me feeling butterflies ngl) since it has all the tropes I love but the execution is just so...
i mean if it helps any i absolutely hate post-canon and that's where my primary divide with most sasusaku fans lies 😭 i'm not sure if you read the blue-plums post i reblogged but it's a good dissection of why exactly it fails as a conclusion to both their individual arcs and their relationship arc generally. the post-canon we see is a direct answer to what sasuke's and sakura's dreams are at the start of the series, but the problem with this is that sasuke and sakura are nowhere near being the same people at the end of the series as they were at the start. generally, i don't think post-canon really takes the individual arc of any character into much account. its primary goal is maintaining the status quo with a slight veneer of friendship power draped over it for aesthetics. but nothing at the root is changed despite every traumatic development the characters were relentlessly subjected to. resultantly, you're left with a portrayal of sasuke as a neglectful father who glorifies the lone-wolf hero trope, which goes against everything he could possibly have learned from itachi; and you're left with a portrayal of sakura as someone content to keep house despite the bulk of her character arc being grounded in her ability and desire to take initiative not only at home, but abroad. it's not true to who either of them is by that point and, even more than that, it's a disservice to everything they've put themselves through for the sake of the love they were vying for. so while i love sasusaku as it progresses up through 699, i tend to wholeheartedly ignore whatever comes after and relegate that instead to either my own imagination or blue-plums's in her fics
what i will say about the naruto and sakura distinction is that a lot of people are more comfortable with how sasuke reacts to naruto bc they believe what naruto is doing is right. it's kind of like: if the only thing sasuke will realistically respond to is violence then obv naruto can resort to that violence without dwelling on it too much. but if you think about violence in the context of sasuke's entire life, it's not actually helpful at all beyond its ability to physically bring him to a grinding halt. even when naruto finally breaks through to sasuke, it's not the violence that makes things click for him. it's the words he says after, and it's the words he's always said before that that have stayed in sasuke's mind. violence, in contrast, is a poisonous thing for sasuke bc it's the only thing that has defined the parameters of his entire life. it robbed him of every person he cared about prior to his meeting team seven, and inevitably it intimidated him into seeking out more violence once he realized that he was incapable of saving the new people he'd come to care about as well. everything, at the root, was driven by sasuke's traumatically-exacerbated response to love and loss. the idea of losing naruto and sakura to the hands of anyone else was unbearable. so he decided that he'd rather have killed them himself. it was absolutely irrational. but a twelve year old child put through that kind of successive, relentless trauma was never going to think rationally, and certainly not after being exploited by people like orochimaru and obito (and to an extent itachi) in turn
all of this to say: there is of course a gendered aspect to the fact that sakura's response to sasuke is markedly not violence. but i also think people sort of refuse to dissect her response any further and esp in context of the narrative itself. despite being the hallmark of rationality within the team and perhaps even the series, sakura was inevitably always driven by the value she placed on humanity. it would've been so easy and rational and "right" to kill sasuke bc he was an insurgent, a terrorist, a danger to public safety, etc. but sakura knew it was more complicated than that. even without knowing about the intricacies of the uchiha massacre she'd been a witness to his suffering and struggle and helplessness. she was as much unable to kill him bc of her love for him as she was unable to kill him bc she knew it wouldn't be right. bc really, what would it solve. sasuke being written off or dying would accomplish nothing bc he would become one more person in the long line of victims to nationalism and the military-industrial complex. while naruto's desire to retrieve sasuke was driven by his love for him it was also driven by the fact that he was stubborn and relentless and refused to give up on people. if you won't believe in yourself i'll beat the belief into you. it's a very shounen-esque trait. in contrast, sakura's desire to retrieve sakura, while also driven by her love for him, was significantly driven by her ability to see that sasuke needed help. in fact, that's all she ever wanted him to get: help. and it would be one thing for this to be an isolated desire but when you read it in context of her own goals as a medic and a mental health professional, her unwavering belief in sasuke is a lot more striking. she was the only person in the entire narrative who never resorted to violence as a solution to sasuke's problems. and she was angry, to be sure. much as she loves him the struggle to bring him back and convince him that he was worthy of love and healing left her emotionally exhausted. but they're also children at the end of the day. she could've been angry at him, or naruto could've been angry him, and in the end none of it would've mattered in the face of knowing they'd finally gotten through to him. he had a smile on his face, he didn't have an arm anymore, and for the first time in his life he met a loss with utter peace and content. it was a thing of miracles after six years of relentless grief and sorrow, and nothing else could've been on their mind.
at the end of the day, team seven's love for sasuke isn't rational. the farthest thing from it, really. but that's what makes it so radical in context. if love in naruto was only ever meant to be rational then hardly anyone would survive. love was always written as an act of defiance and for however subtle the depiction sakura exemplified it
#this is already so long i won't ramble any further in the text bc i've gotten across my point#but tldr you're totally valid! like honestly a lot of sasusaku fans tend to take the full scope of post-canon as gospel and it's infuriatin#and it definitely panders to a lot of gendered stereotypes#the relationship is i think way easier to digest if you isolate 1-699 and then pretend none of the rest exists lol#me personally i want sasuke to go on travels and meet lots of orphans and dedicate himself to humanitarian work#and i want sakura to do her mental hospital thing and research and advocacy at the village#before the projects she works on inevitably extend to intervillage endeavors#it's a nice way for both her and sasuke to explore their respective itches while also doing something that overlaps#with what the other person is doing. i am also a gazillion times more inclined towards them adopting an orphan#than i am towards the idea of them getting traditional married and having a traditional family and birthing traditional babies. boh-ring#i have a post somewhere on my old blog but to Me it would be revolutionary for sasuke to separate himself from the idea that the#only real bonds are those borne in blood. bc all that matters is love. i think adoption would be a really good personification of that idea#also occasionally they can come back to konoha and do silly couple things. like go to the farmers market and plant flowers#and harvest tomatoes. househusband sasuke and workaholic sakura. my dream combination truly#outbox
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#once again hiding in the tags#i miss her so much sometimes#and like i know i should be thankful we’re still friends and we’re as close as ever but#it’s not the same#i dont think im her go to person anymore#and that shouldnt matter and yet it matters#and like this weekend#she disappeared and i miss her but i know she needs time alone after last weekend#but i wish i could talk to her#bc she’s kinda the only person i feel that really Gets me#and i know there are so many other people i could talk to#but none of them really understand me like she does#and it sucks#bc i dont wanna bother her#and she keeps saying that i dont bother her#but if she felt like talking she would’ve texted back by now#idk#im just sad#and i miss feeling important#and i miss being someones favorite person#anyways. if u read it all the way to here lmk ig maybe i’ll feel less alone#dunno#just need a hug#wouldve been nice if it were hers#but whatever
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im like Stuck between completing like intimate fluff or yet another set of like the most stupid fucking avpol comics known to man and with those two yknow One Isnt Exactly Ever Far Off From The Other but still
#kai talking#the energy i channel into them is. my grocery store runs. the way i feel when im loading dishes and the spatula in the cupboard kept#falling out#the girl from tinder who i hadnt texted back yet and.#she was the cashier at that store which i didnt know and i was. eating deli turkey out of the bag even though#my friends were buying ingredients for. pizza to eat later. and she asked. for my number.#and we saw each other many times and still. keep in touch.#even though her first irl impression of me was me eating deli turkey that i purchased at. the self checkout.#out of the bag and helping put my bffs' groceries in the bag and then she made eye contact with me and Recognized Me#even though in none of my profile pictures am i. eating deli turkey out of the bag.#the energy i put into this couple is the general rancid energy that just Mundane Events In My Life develop through circumstance#and yknow my relationship with the grieving process but literally that isnt fun
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btw everytime i give up on chasing someone and begging for their love because im 'better' than that, god looks at me kindly and says ye lo beta take this person you haven't talked to in a very long time due to life reasons and gives them back to me even if briefly
#two people in the same day!!!#one was my bestfriend she kept ignoring me because she must be all busy busy in her new life so i was#feeling neglected bjt then i got sick and she got#so concerned that she called to check up on me#like who even does that🥹 wdym theek hai na? obviously im not dead or anything it's just a cold🥹🥹#total ray of sunshine love her#and then this girl from office who i really used to admire (still do) she left suddenly#the office in end of jan right after that guy left and it was such a punch in the gut like two of my favourite#people gone in a month#but like yesternight result was declared right and i knew and i wanted to ask but like in our degree#it js kinda an unspoken rule that you never ask you wait for them to tell you and if they don't they probably couldn't clear#cause pass rate is sooooo low#so i was eagerly waiting that maybe she'd post on her status some celebration or marksheet#or maybe since we go to the same tuition they always post the names of everyone who's passed so i thought then ill wish#but none of these happened till later tonight and then she texted me saamne se!!!! telling me that heyya#[irl name] how are youu and then: 'main ca ban gayi 😭😭😭'#i didn't even know she considered me her friend to tell me that specially!!!!! that's sooooo nice#and i genuinely feel so happy and weirdly proud even tho she's a year older than me bc she's the hardest working#person i know and everytime i get too lazy about studying i think of her voice saying START NOW. YOU#will definitely regret it when there are like only 6 months left and you have backlog in like all 6 subjects#aaah im so happy for her wow i missed this feeling this is what if is like to have friends yes#i think this is a sign. god is telling me that even if it hurts i have to let go of people who don't give a fuck about me#both from my heart and from my life#because the ones who care will come back#aaaah i feel motivated to study now too im gonna ask her how she prepared and stuff and she knows me and#my executive dysfunction well so she would probably suggest me a realistic approach#wow it's been so long i remember her saying to me in fhe corner of the office that#shivika you have to see who you're talking to not everyone has your best interests at heart you can't trust everyone.and it sounds so basic#and obvious but i didn't know really i only understand ride or die wali friendship or stragers no in between#phew
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#to that one person on the discord#are you an oversharer by nature or is this a side-effect of years of 12 step meetings?#seriously it’s okay to keep some of your thoughts on the inside#not every sentence has to start with some qualifier about having been in recovery a long time#or about your personal experiences with the law#we know you’ve said it about a bajillion times by now#and like i get it#those are big important things for you that inform how you see the world and interpret text/movies#but not every movie or book or tangential aside must relate back to your ‘sober time’ or your multiple felonies#it’s okay to skedaddle from a group chat without dropping in something about getting up early for a meeting#that whole thing about not wanting to be judged for addiction or things done under the influence falls flat#when you won’t shut the fuck up about it#none of us are judging you! which might make you feel freer to keep talking about it#and I’m glad you’re comfy#but some of us are increasingly not comfy with how much ✨recovery✨ talk we must endure#it’s clear to me that a lot of people sub in the 12 step lifestyle for the thing they no longer want to be doing#which sort of shows that the nature of ‘addiction’ is first and foremost behavioral#because you could sub in anything. a woman i knew in al-anon was like#’sorry i haven’t been to meetings a lot but i discovered tae kwon do and it’s been taking up my time’#she also added that it felt like getting a new hobby felt like it was doing more for her than sitting around talking about problems#and she’s right#that’s around the time i got right into my movie project and started giving myself other shit to do and i felt SO. MUCH. BETTER.#going to a meeting every day of the week was… not good for my mental health#but finding things to do that both entertained and taught me stuff about writing/storytelling? oh yeah#that was the balm my soul needed#i am discovering more and more that life is about balance#and you can’t find that balance if your attempt to ditch the demons of discontent means bringing them with you everywhere#leave them at home and enjoy the movie without telling us about your every crime#this is not a confessional it’s a movie discord#come on man
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dude this class was a saw trap I fear
#2 hours in a room with the worst teacher of all time and like 30°C or something bc none of the windows open#+ I'm at the back with no table bc were too many + everyone is coughing every five second + the teacher somehow fumbled the most interesting#subject of all time to me (gothic literature)#this woman is reading a fully written out text and still fucking up every five seconds mysoginy radiates from her pores#catherine please please retire. please#I cant even express how shit this class was I was so bored my notes just have to be some kind of modern art representing mental health in#academia#i hope I remember to take a picture of them when I get home#mumblings//
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guys things are happening
#so i met this girl at work last summer and we clicked right away and we were super close for a while#and it was really only a few months but i considered her one of my best friends#and then both of us got promoted to basically shift leads and right after that things just got really weird between us#i never figured out what exactly happened but it was just like tense and off which sucked bc the time before that was so much fun#but i just pushed it aside bc i still wanted to be friends with her and i was hoping it would just pass i gués#and THEN a couple months later she got promoted to store manager which was… shocking#i want to make it super clear i did not want to be manager and i truly was not jealous of her job#but i just did not think she was the right choice for manager bc after working super closely with her for months#i had seen her do sooo much shit that was either not allowed or just like not correct and straight up kinda dumb??#but none of the higher ups knew about it bc i would always help her fix her mistakes bc she was my friend and i wanted things done right yk#so anyway she became manager and our friendship just got even weirder bc suddenly she was my boss and i did not think she was a good manager#as much as i still loved her as a person she just got on my nerves a lot at work bc of the way she was running things#THEN a month after that annual company wide layoffs happened and i got laid off 😍 which i have vented a ton about on here bc it was awful#and the one bright side to it was that i thought maybe our friendship could start to go back to normal now that we didn’t work together#but instead she pretty much stopped talking to me completely aside from sending me a tiktok occasionally#so i was like okay this sucks but oh well i’ve got my own shit to deal with now that i’ve gotten laid off so i’ll just give her space#and tbh i was just hoping a band we both like would go on tour soon or something so i’d have a good opportunity to ask her to hang out again#BUT THEN she texted me a few minutes ago and turns out she just got fired???#which does not happen often at that job btw there’s very low turnover i think only like 2 people got fired the whole time i worked there#usually layoffs are the only time people end up leaving#and it’s weird bc i spent all that time thinking it was a bad choice for them to make her manager and she wasn’t doing a good job#but i’m still somehow surprised???#and i feel so guilty bc i talked so much shit about the whole thing with one of my other friends bc her management pissed me off so bad#and it’s not like me talking about it with someone who didn’t even work there caused her to get fired but i still feel so bad#like yeah i do think she shouldn’t have been manager in the first place but i would never wish that on someone yk#so idk i’m just like in a very weird headspace rn!!#vent#lj.txt
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k I've seen a couple posts about it today but it is so funny to me how the "break up with a trans woman and unperson her" and "unperson any trans woman who's minorly annoying" so perfectly map onto my own recent experiences. My friend (transfem enby) broke up with their boyfriend (transmasc) and he immediately turned our entire friendgroup against them. The three other people immediately, and I mean immediately, like within a day, put them on their shitlist. He convinced them to hate them so fucking easily. He said he feared for his safety and that they'd almost hit him, and that they were a sociopath and all this shit. I learned about this late (because no one talks to me) and my first thought was "has anyone talked to them about this?" Because it didn't seem like them, the friend I knew was extraordinarily kind and understanding and loving and quiet. They'd never do that shit. Guess what?!?! None of my friends had talked to them and it had been two days of icing them out and telling them to leave. So I talked to them, got their side of the story, and spent days convincing the rest of my friendgroup to talk to them. Well, after talking to them literally everyone came around and now we're back to normal, minus the asshole who tried to get us to hate them. During all this, while he was going around spreading rumors about my friend, I texted him and asked him to stop. I tried to be understanding and meet him where he was at while holding fast to the "please stop telling random people my friend is a sociopath." I knew he was doing it too, because he apparently randomly started talking to MY ROOMMATES about my friend. Well lo and behold literally the next day my roommates were chilling in my living room and told me "Oh yeah ____ is going around calling you a gaslighter btw." Which was hilarious to me?!?! I guess he thought they wouldn't tell me? Like he was unironically trying to turn the people I live with against me. If I hadn't done anything, my friend would have been completely ditched by my friendgroup. They would have no one at their back going into their senior year.
Anyway moral of the story is love every transfem before it's too late and maybe check with people who are having rumors spread about them? Maybe that "violent sociopath" is stressed out from classes and made some bad decisions. Maybe that "manipulative gaslighter" is genuinely just trying to look out for her friend.
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Why I think Caitlyn didn’t ask Vi for forgiveness
(Thank 'anons' for your messages. I’ll try to respond to you through this text: )
The importance of Caitlyn’s “I know”
A key moment in Caitlyn’s character narrative is her “I know”—both its content and delivery.
The content: When Caitlyn says, “I know,” it doesn’t just mean “You’re right.” It means, “I’ve taken the time to think about this.” And thinking is what Caitlyn does best. Her “I know” conveys that she has already had this conversation with herself, over and over in her head. She’s thought about it constantly, she’s already told herself these things, and she’s already blamed herself for them.
The delivery: She screams it with violence, and we can see this represented by the boat falling apart. It’s not just that she has thought about it; it’s tormenting her. Her “I know” is incredibly powerful because it’s filled with suffering.
To me, this is as valid as an apology because asking for forgiveness is outward-facing—focused on the other person. "Asking for forgiveness" says, “Whether I’ve forgiven myself or not, whether I feel guilty or not, it’s on you to decide to forgive me.”
But here, Caitlyn’s “I know” is inward-facing. It means, “I’m not asking you to forgive me because I can’t even forgive myself.”
She knows everything you’re saying, and it torments her.
This is followed by:
"I didn’t even have time to think before they hauled her off."
This line is so telling. Everything about Caitlyn is tied to thinking and reflection.
Being a sniper means aiming and shooting. Aiming is the equivalent of thinking, and shooting is the equivalent of speaking. Everything Caitlyn does is deliberate and thought through.
This is why some people dislike her: as I’ve said before, unlike other characters, Caitlyn’s actions can’t be forgiven easily because she doesn’t do anything by accident.
Then we get to:
"We can’t erase our mistakes. None of us."
Caitlyn speak in “we.”
In the prison scene with Jinx:
"No amount of good deeds can undo our crimes."
This scene mirrors the rage she felt when she threw the boat. In this moment, she’s speaking to Jinx, but also to herself.
Caitlyn and Jinx are paralleled so many times throughout the show. Caitlyn quickly realized that, in some ways, she had become like Jinx. And so, in order to forgive Jinx, she would first have to forgive herself.
At this point in the episode, the person Caitlyn hates the most is herself.
But she no longer has the "energy" to hate, neither Jinx nor herself.
Energy comes from fuel. What she perceives as a lack of strength to keep fighting is simply the fact that the fuel that powered her hatred has disappeared. And when you stop feeding a fire, it eventually dies out. She has no energy left; she has no fuel to sustain her hatred.
It's a particular way of saying, I don’t hate you anymore, and I don’t want to hate myself anymore either, because in the end, that hatred corrupts us/everything .
In her own unique way, Jinx also says, I didn’t know your mother was there, even if it wouldn’t have changed anything. And this too is a strange way of taking a step toward the other.
We have two brilliant and intelligent women who express their emotions in unconventional ways. ----------
There’s also a whole analysis that could be done about her concept of justice and rules, "but I don’t have the energy" to dive into that here. Still, it would only lead back to the fact that Caitlyn doesn’t see herself as the right person to free Jinx (and therefore to forgive her) because she believes she herself is beyond forgiveness.
#arcane#arcane spoilers#caitvi#caitlyn kiramman#arcane season 2#arcane s2 spoilers#arcane s2#caitlyn x vi#caitlyn arcane#vi x caitlyn#caitlyn x jinx#jinx x caitlyn#caitlyn league of legends#cait x vi#vicait#violyn
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