#which is exactly where I thought we left this kind of deceitful behaviour. like how are you guys twenty one and still sending screenshots

[bloomingsalma]

i think one of the most disappointing things is to see that your childhood friends have grown up to represent the kind of people you're disappointed in

[jwillowwolf]

Okay, so I have a Theory for what will happen in the Finale, but it comes with a very long rant about my reasoning for said theory, so I’ll put it under the cut. Basically, I just got excited and wanted to talk with someone about what I think will happen and have turned to the internet to share my thoughts. Warning for spoilers from Working Through Intrusive Thoughts bellow.

Before I can get to what I think will happen, I need to explain the context of my thinking. Currently, we have Logan feeling ignored, Roman feeling lost, Virgil feeling defensive, Patton feeling confused, Remus just being his dramatic gremlin self, and Janus is in his element.

Logan himself said to Remus “It’s not every day Thomas... is interested in... carrying out this sort of thing.” Showing that today was important to Logan and spoiled by 1) Remus’s interfering, and 2) Thomas going out with Nico. Not to mention he lost his cool for a second and now we’ve got Orange to look out for.

Now, there are two possible theories I know of on this scene. 1) Logan is the Orange-side, which seems to be the most popular opinion. 2) the Orange-side, similarly to Janus, can possess other sides. Personally, I think that Logan being the Orange-side is most plausible.

We have seen Logan almost lose his temper before when he threw a piece of paper at Roman in ‘Learning New Things About Ourselves’. He seems shaken by that, almost scared of what he did. Or maybe of what could have happened. He looked even more shaken in ‘Working Through Intrusive Thoughts’ when we got a glimpse of orange in his eyes. He knows there is a dangerous side to him, an emotional state of anger and frustration that he’s been doing his best to keep under control.

How much longer will he be able to control it though?

Next, we have Roman still feeling kind of upset towards Patton, if his stiff reaction to him speaking in the end card is anything to go by. I describe him as feeling lost because in a way he’s lost his moral compass. After what happened in ‘Putting Others First’, I think he distrusts Patton and considering he has in a way followed morality’s lead through all of this, he’s now struggling through questions of what he decides for himself is wrong and right. And he needs to get this right because he’s meant to be the hero, the good creativity. Or that’s what he’s believed all this time.

He’s been conditioned to see things in black and white. To him, there’s meant to be a clear distinction between a hero and a villain, which means if he does something that is not considered good then he’s bad. You can see how that mindset affects him firstly in ‘Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts’ “It’s a little like looking into a funhouse mirror, but instead of a giant head, or like, long legs and a tiny torse, …it shows you… everything you don’t wanna be” and then at the end of ‘Putting Others First’ “He’s (Janus) asking us to go back on things we’ve known for years! rights and wrongs, should’s and shouldn’t’s!”

The world is not black and white like Roman was taught, so now he’s lost himself in trying to understand the many different shades of grey around him.

Continuing down the angst road, we have Virgil’s uncharacteristic behaviour towards Patton. Yes, we have seen him act this way before, but ever since the ‘Accepting Anxiety’ arc he’s acted differently. More like his true self with the knowledge that he’s safe and among friends, like Logan said in Fitting In he’s part of the group. So, what changed?

Logically he would act out this way as a part of his fight or flight response, or more specifically he’s fighting against what scares him. He acts this way towards Janus and Remus (although it’s harder with Remus since he’s Remus) he gets defensive, cold, and downright mean because he’s trying to protect himself. My point? Something about Patton is scaring Virgil.

If we look at the relationship between them before Virgil’s behaviour, then we have what happened in ‘Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts'. Virgil was at a terrible point of stress over Remus showing up, mainly because Patton was stressed at Remus showing up. Pat’s knee jerk reaction to Remus and what he contributes sends Virgil into a panic because, in a sense, they’re connected as Thomas’s emotions. This may seem odd but stick with me here.

Fear and stress are the two things that drive Virgil. In ‘Why do we Get Out of Bed in the Morning’, he mentions that Thomas feeling stressed over deadlines and projects causes him to “work overtime”. As for fear, that’s clear enough in ‘Moving On’ parts 1 and 2, with his reaction to Patton’s Room. The strong influence of emotions in Patton’s room may have heightened his function because emotion is a core part of who he is. In fact, in ‘Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts’, Logan asks Virgil how Thomas is feeling. This means that he is just as connected to Thomas’s emotional state as Patton.

There isn’t a clear indicator of what happened between ‘Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts’ and ‘Are There Healthy Distractions’ to prompt Virgil’s behaviour towards Patton. Or is there? Let’s look at what exactly he says to Patton:

First from ‘Are There Healthy Distractions’: “How can Thomas Feel B-A-D with his inner D-A-D?” “I can think of a few ways.” This is the first time Virgil lashes out at Patton, and it’s obvious through the whole episode that he’s stressed out.

He actively wants to address the problem throughout the episode and is in a lot of emotional turmoil since the others seem to be ignoring it while he just can’t. Seriously, the pain piles upon him till the point he and Thomas fall into an anxiety attack.

So why does he antagonise Patton here? Because Patton is the one ignoring the problem. Patton is the one most actively ignoring what happened and Virgil is feeling hurt by that. Sure, Logan is distracted, but Logan understands that there are healthy distractions and can stay concentrated on the movie, causing him to not notice Virgil’s dilemma until later. And Roman is still following Patton’s lead here. When he took a jab at Virgil at the beginning and Patton said, “that’s not nice Roman.” He instantly panicked and scrambled to amend himself.

After ‘Are There Healthy Distractions’, we don’t see Patton and Virgil interact again until the end card of Working Through Intrusive Thoughts. “Oh, thank goodness, you’re giving him permission.” “Well, y-yeah. Of course I would.” Virgil bringing up Patton giving Thomas permission seems out of context, and yet it’s perfectly in line with the ending of ‘Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts’ where Patton said “I can’t control every little thing that pops into your head. This may be unnecessary, but, … It’s okay if you sometimes think some… Icky thoughts, Thomas. You have my… permission”

This begs the question though, why is that the line that stuck with Virgil? Because Virgil doesn’t want to be manipulated anymore.

If we look at his relationship with Janus for a moment, then anyone from a mile away can see the two have some sort of history. Something that goes beyond even Virgil’s past as one of the others. The relationship that they used to have. It’s been established that Remus used to unsettle Virgil, so I doubt they spent too much time together, but Janus? That’s a very different story.

Janus is deceit, lies, and denial so he may have hidden Virgil from Thomas. He may have lied to Virgil about his function to keep him under control. It was the best way he knew to hide Virgil from Thomas. But in the end, Virgil came to the realisation that Janus was a lair and hence they must have had a terrible fallout.

This began his arc as the ‘antagonist’ in Thomas’s life. He no longer allowed Janus to control him and faced the light sides on his own. He fought to have his voice heard along with the rest. Now he’s scared of losing the freedom he fought for via Patton taking control.

He’s been down the road before where he was taken advantage of, and he doesn’t want to fall for that again. Never again.

Oof, okay, now we come to Patton himself. He seems fine from the outside, but we all know that he has a habit of keeping his negative emotions on the down-low. He doesn’t exactly know what he’s done. That doesn’t excuse it, but it does put his behaviour into context.

In ‘Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts’ he realises how his reaction to things has influence Thomas’s wellbeing. In ‘Are There Healthy Distractions’ He’s trying to stay committed to Thomas's decision and not influence changing his mind towards facing the problem. Then in ‘Putting Others First’, we see how absolutely distressed he’s feeling because the influence he has over Thomas could be used for bad and hurt Thomas.

In a nutshell, he doesn’t want to become the bad guy, but he doesn’t know how to correct his behaviour. In ‘Putting Others First’ he even asks Janus “What can we do”. It shows that he knows he’s doing something wrong and wants to do the right thing, but everything he’s ever known has been torn apart and now he’s just left confused.

He doesn’t know what to do anymore.

Remus is just doing what he normally does. He’s functioning just fine and honestly, there isn’t anything much to unpack about his behaviour. He’s being himself. Although perhaps there’s something, or someone, behind what he’s doing.

It’s no secret that Janus is the brains of the two (although Remus can create some magnificent Rube Goldberg machines) and could be the mastermind behind this scheme. Since he was introduced, we knew Janus hid behind lies and worked with complex plans to fulfil his goals. The ending of ‘Putting Others First’ shows that he has a part of himself that is only looking out for others but that doesn’t change the fact he’s planning something.

His words at the end of ‘Working Through Intrusive Thoughts’ “Yes, everything is just… fine.” He knows something is not fine. He may even be behind instigating the entire thing.

This time though, perhaps his scheme is meant for good. He can see how the sides are very different from each other. Their working together as the light sides is incredibly unstable. Thomas's mental wellbeing is practically hanging from a thread.

How do we solve this problem? Expose it. So far, Janus's meddling has been to push things into the light. to get Thomas to face all aspects of himself and better understand the complexities of the world.

The truth needs to come out before things can get better.

And all of that brings me finally to the main point of my rant. My personal theory about what will happen with the finale.

Patton and Roman/Virgil currently have an unresolved conflict. That’s what will start the episode. Patton is trying to fix things with Roman and/or Virgil. Logan will try to be the mediator for the situation, and no one seems to be listening to him.

Then Janus shows up and is now on Patton’s side. This is making things worse because well Roman and Virgil still don’t like Janus at all. Perhaps Virgil will even snap and give more context into what happened between him and Janus, comparing Janus and Patton now that Pat seems to be betraying them. Remus even shows up and adds his own comments to further unsettle everyone. The fight is going to get bigger until finally, Logan snaps.

Orange-Logan is now part of the mix, and he is angry. Nothing is holding him back anymore so now everyone is going to have to focus on him. They will listen to him now, which is good, but because anger has taken over, Logan isn’t the same. He’s not able to reason with his own emotions and act as the voice of reason. Everything is coming down!

So now the fighting has gotten even worse, even louder, everyone is stressed and hurt and shouting and then Virgil says “stop”. He doesn’t shout it, he just speaks in a normal calm tone, although his voice is echoing a bit. Everyone does stop mainly out of confusion at his sudden hushed tone, then they see what is happening to Thomas. All their arguing has caused him to spiral into a panic.

Virgil calms Thomas down from his panic, and then Logan from his anger. It’s good for Logan to stand up for himself to be listened to, but anger will get them nowhere. He even apologises for not listening to Logan before things got this bad.

Logan calms down and apologises for his behaviour then calmly calls out the others on their own actions. With a calmer atmosphere, everyone can see a bit more clearly where they were in the wrong and apologise to one another. They talk things out, come to an understanding and resolve their feelings.

Anyway, if you made it to the end of this, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this theory and any theories you have regarding the finale. Thank you for reading and I hope that you have a wonderful day.

[igirisuhito]

Something Close To Domestic, Maybe - Chapter 18 "Spring Cleaning" | A commentary/analysis/rambling

[Link to fic]

On the permission of @mystxmomo, I thought I may do a brief analysis/commentary on this chapter, as it delves into some issues very near and dear to my heart. 

Spoilers below the cut, of course.

A disclaimer: As of late, I do the beta work for SCTDM. My work is simple grammatical and spelling errors, help the story make sense. I do not steer the story. This analysis will be both a mix of thoughts born from reading the fic, and some things I have spoken with Red about. The majority being the former. 

This chapter focused on Komaeda engaging in a bit of Spring Cleaning, a desire that tends to come around as the weather gets warmer. The fic switches between Komaeda making his way around the house, and a flashback of his time in despair, mutilating himself to replace his arm with Enoshima's. At first glance it seems like an incredibly stark contrast, something so horrific and gory next to something so domestic. But that is not the case whatsoever.

We first get an insight in the detriment of Komaeda's condition. It has grown to the point that he can no longer leave the laundry room for fear of forgetting the task he had begun. It is an unfortunate reality, something scary. He leaves himself alone with his thoughts, something Komaeda is not known to do. It is mentioned in previous chapters that he prefers to have white noise, old VHS tapes playing on a cruddy little TV. Even if it something Kamukura does not enjoy, it is something he lets Komaeda have.

Komaeda reflects on his love for Kamukura, perhaps what can even be referred to as the "Honeymoon Phase". The times when he served a purpose, and that purpose was to serve. When Kamukura kept him under lock and key, commanding his behaviours.

It is toxic, incredibly so. But for Komaeda, it is easy. Independence renders him useless, left to his own devices he cannot fulfil his purpose and be appreciated for it. He has desires he indulges in, like any other human. Selfish desires he does not believe he deserves.

He has sewn new seeds. Fresh sunflower buds for the spring. He whispers horrid things to them. I am unbearably curious to see how the flowers grow. The garden has always been a metaphor for their relationship, how it has changed throughout the seasons reflects their own relationship. After the harsh cold of winter, new seeds are sewn, they need to start anew. The ground is damp, and Komaeda has fresh eyes on their relationship. 

Another parallel I heavily enjoyed with the garden is their participance in tending to it. Komaeda tends year round, he loves the garden. Kamukura assists when he feels like it, typically when he is trying to understand his own feelings. He feels mostly indifferent towards the garden, it is a simple display of the cycle of nature.

Komaeda is mad, at Kamukura. He's overstimulated and easily irritated. The scene in which he cleans around Kamukura is a very important one, it highlights the way their relationship has changed.

A good analogy would perhaps be of a housewife working to make dinner, as her husband sits by idly watching TV. Is Kamukura working? Yes. But it is not something that takes effort, it comes easily to him. He knows exactly what would make Komaeda more comfortable in the moment, and yet he makes no attempt to help him. Thus Komaeda continues his work.

It is not entirely the fault of Kamukura. He values Komaeda's work less as it has always been something that comes naturally to him. Cleaning is not difficult. Working in silence is not difficult. He does not understand Komaeda's struggles, for he cannot relate to them.

The mirror is another important highlight to the relationship of Kamukura and Komaeda. Kamukura does not question when Komaeda covers it up, meaning he understands his reasoning behind it. And yet, despite how easy it would be for him to remove the mirror, to make Komaeda more comfortable in his own skin, he has never made the effort to. Komaeda has never asked him too, and Komaeda would never dare ask something of Kamukura.

In the next scene, I'd like to mention something I adore about Red's writing of Kamukura. The description of how he avoids the eyes of others, is rather "Looking at everything". It's a truly beautiful description, something I can deeply relate to as an autistic individual. Red's interpretation of Kamukura tends to align with many autistic traits, this is intentional on her part. It's just such a big thing for me, as someone who tends to avoid my eyes, and has difficulty staying in the conversation. How the littlest sound can draw my attention away. "Looking at everything", how gorgeous.

The comparison of how Enoshima drew a crowd with love and deceit, and how Kamukura draws a crowd with respect and fear. How they were both incredibly powerful people that Komaeda was drawn to.

When we return to Komaeda, he is scrubbing the bathroom. It is mentioned that when his hands begin to hurt, he only scrubs harder. To some, this appears as a man who is working hard, pushing himself a healthy amount. In reality, Komaeda is self-harming. This part is really the whole reason I wanted to do this analysis, so please excuse me for any analogies towards my own life.

Cleaning is always seen as something incredibly healthy and productive. Humans cannot live in filth, that is a fact. A tidy room, a tidy mind, some may say. But for some, particularly disabled people, cleaning can be used as an act of self harm.

Not only is he hurting his hands by scrubbing too hard, exposing himself to chemicals, but he is doing this in silence. He is working alone, his partner idly standing by, and in complete silence. He is alone with his thoughts, he may think about anything, convince himself of things that are not happening. Komaeda and Kamukura do not have the kind of relationship in which they talk to each other about how they feel.

Another form of self harm in cleaning, the one I relate to the most, is the reflection of possessions. Komaeda sits there and sorts his medications, medications he does not wish to take. He takes them for Kamukura's sake, even if they cause him harm, cause him to feel ways he is not used to.

It's an awkward conversation to have with someone. "I would prefer to be killed by my condition than keep taking these." It is easier to leave it alone, let someone smarter than himself handle it. If there were some painfully adverse side-effects, I doubt Komaeda would say anything. 

My room is a trap. It is full of possessions that remind me of the person I used to be. Clothes that have grown too small, schoolbooks that have lost their worth, medications that have caused more harm than good. It is painful, something I cannot sort through alone. And yet, on the days I feel worst, as alone as I could possibly be, I feel the urge to clean my room the strongest. To move and clean until all sorts of muscles are pulled from disuse and my arms ache so badly I could cry. This is where I really relate to Komaeda.

Kamukura brings up the fact that Komaeda has not eaten, another form of self harm. Forcing himself to work hard on little food, little energy. It is unlikely that his stomach does not ache. Komaeda goes to the kitchen to make himself something, as he feels he owes Kamukura an explanation, and yet he does not have one. It is easier to just to submit, and to eat something. 

And the final form of self harm, running himself into the ground. The meltdown at the end of the day, when everything is tidy and all the chores are nearly complete, it finally hits. And one can't help but feel failed, because they didn't manage to complete everything before they fell apart.

But of course that were going to happen. Nobody can do that much, hurt themselves that much, and make it through without a hitch. It's an unreasonable expectation. And yet, we do these things to test ourselves, see if we are still worthy of love. Worthy of being taken care of when we do fall apart. When somebody comes to clean up the stupid mess we made or comes to stop us from hurting ourselves any further. 

But it is not their job to, and Komaeda knows this. It is not Kamukura's responsibility to take care of him. But he is selfish, and he wants Kamukura to do more for him. To acknowledge him, to call out to him, to give him the emotional support he never gave before. 

It's human. He is beginning to notice the cracks in their relationship. The difficulty of dating someone with such low empathy. 

These last few despair scenes are incredibly important, in the contrast of things. Komaeda rambles away about his thoughts and feelings to Kamukura, who remains uncaring towards them. Komaeda calls him out on his game, he knows what he is playing at. Despite stating that the matter bores him, Kamukura stays to witness. This kind of challenging is something Komaeda no longer does, challenging Kamukura on his ideas and feelings has grown tiresome when Kamukura never appears to change. 

Kamukura does not finish the job for Komaeda, he allows him to fail, and come back to it. It is a risky choice, but he knows Komaeda will make it. I can't help but wonder if Kamukura believes he can act the same way. He sees Komaeda doing something that will hurt him, and allows for it to take its course, for Komaeda to hurt himself. 

The problem is, their relationship has changed. Komaeda is becoming less and less capable of picking himself up, of taking care of himself. He has expectations of Izuru, now. They are in a relationship. When Komaeda hurts himself, it has an impact on Kamukura. Perhaps it is his own sense of self-harm, allowing them to continue to be like this. Pretending things are the same as they were before. He is struggling, emotions are returning to him, and he does not know what to do with them. 

[stopfakerapeclaims-blog]

THIS GUY IS FALSELY ACCUSED, STOP SLANDERING HIM. HOW COULD YOU TERRIBLE PEOPLE ATTACK A VICTIM OF A FALSE ACCUSATIONLIKE YOU DID. I HAVE VIDEO PROOF OF MY INNOCENCE. I NEVER wanted to post something like this, but the threats made on my life have given me no other choice.But being a victim of false accusations is extremely damaging AND dangerous. But unfortunately there aren't going to be 200+ shares of my side of the story, because the truth is not as sensational as a dramatic lie.As I said before, I did not want to do this, it feels violating and wrong, but I am absolutely sickened by the false rape claims and rumors going around about me from "Aria" (on facebook) ie "Stephanie" (as I knew her). We went to Japan together in 2016, where she came on to me and seduced ME the second night we were there. We had a consensual relationship over the entire course of this trip. I took a consensual video during our first encounter, and it VERY clearly shows that it was NOTHING like what she is claiming now, years later. She stated “He decided to take what he wanted by force,” which is so entirely the opposite of what actually happened - in this video she can be heard saying “yes”, “please more”, and “yeah”. Its the definition of not only consent, but enthusiastic consent, which is a very important distinction.WHY did I record this? Because her and I were friends and I thought it would be something we would have fun watching together later. I asked before I recorded us together. I don't EVER record something private without the other person knowing. It would be deceitful and ruin the moment entirely to do so.My lawyers advised me that it would be dangerous to release the video on the internet - she could claim it was revenge porn or harassment, even if it was ONLY done with the intention of defending myself, and that’s why you can just listen to the audio here:https://streamable.com/zxkqi So the question is, WHY is she saying I raped her? I can’t BEGIN to guess what’s going on in someone else’s head, or why they’d lie about something so devastating and traumatic, but Wikipedia lists ELEVEN possible reasons for false accusations of rape (I will list them below). All I can do is share the facts from that trip as I know themYou see, that entire trip me and Stephanie started arguing about the last person on the trip, we'll call him "J" to respect his privacy, who complained the entire trip. Stephanie and I disagreed on how to handle it, my approach trying to be to ignore the behavior and hope he learned to deal with his problems maturely, and Stephanie was taking his side by trying to coddle him and condone his actions. A lot of the problems were him refusing to leave the room to trips and food with all of us possibly because he misunderstood and thought he had to pay for everything when I was in fact paying for it, or perhaps he didn't like the idea of me paying for everything (despite it being a company trip so he was fully covered by the organization) I can’t know which it was for sure.I tried many times over the trip to calm J down and explain that he didn't need to worry so much, but the stress of being in Japan was too much for him. Traveling and being in a foregin country can be really stressful for some people! The last and most extreme moment was when we stepped off the bus in front of the Takadanobaba station and he started violently hitting himself in the forehead with his hand on a public street. I don't know why, I think maybe he forgot something. It was a level of behaviour that was beyond what I had ever dealt with personally and none of us were equipped to help him. When he was stressed sometimes he would make a strange whining noise and bite down on his arm hard in front of people, and that was alarming enough, but this was the final straw in him working for us as a company, and there I made the decision that he wouldn't be working with the conventions going forward. We take on almost anyone as a volunteer, because I believe everyone deserves at least a first chance despite any disorders or problems them may have socially, but sadly it doesn’t always work out in the end, like with J. Stephanie and I fought a lot all trip long about “J” to no resolve. Stephanie is still friends with this person, they’re friends on Facebook and they were one of the first to share Stephanie’s post. Maybe this is some kind of “revenge” for not being nice enough to her friend. But again, how can I really know what someone else is thinking? I can only make educated guesses.I do know that Stephanie has bipolar disorder, and I tried helping her through her issues when we were friends. I learned she had been sexually assaulted before, and I had always felt really bad for her, as anyone would. We spent hours and hours talking in Japan, hanging out, watching movies, cuddling, and yes, sex too. What motivates her actions now, I have no idea, but there are eleven possible reasons listed on wikipedia: confusion, revenge, material gain, producing an alibi, memory conformity, recovered memory therapy, attention, sympathy, a disturbed mental state, relabeling, and regret.With Stephanie there were no drugs, no excessive drinking, no coercion of any kind. I did not threaten to send her home. I did not try or even consider withholding any events or activities from her. SHE wanted to spend time with ME and hang out with me. I flirted with her online, we sent dozens of memes back and forth too, and then in person SHE always initiated everything. Putting her hand on my leg, scooting closer to me, making sexual innuendos, overall being quite clear about her intentionsHOW can you get in a fight with someone and then automatically claim that all past consensual sex you had was rape? Changing your mind months later does not make something rape. In the past I haven't ever been able to defend myself with hard proof because I didn't know where the rumors were coming from. I've gotten threats to my own safety because of these claims. I had people say they will boycott my cons because of these claims. I’ve had people mercilessly harass my friends and family because of these claims. But her own words are PROVABLY false.As anyone would, I kept a screenshot of exactly what she said at first. “After I made it clear that I wasn't interested, he decided to take what he wanted by force. This was on one of the first days of a month long trip.”That’s what she said, and it’s plain as day not true. I know that now somehow the story will magically change - it’s called “moving the goalpost”, where now instead of “force” she will claim something like coercion, or change her story entirely. When people are caught in a lie they often change their story, suddenly remember things differently, and make up new lies to cover their original lies that were seen through. I know some people won’t believe me no matter what proof I have because they’ve made up their minds about me and the situation. Maybe they have a personal issue with me and this fits their narrative that I’m a bad personFalse rape accusations are tragically real and more common than one would think. Some people say the number is "barely 2%" - but multiple studies conducted in a wide variety of manners have concluded numbers from 2% as high as 25%. Read wikipedia, there are numerous academically-backed studies on there. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_accusation_of_rapeI'm so sorry to any of my friends who have had to deal with drama because of this person. I know friends who know me incredibly well have had to defend my name because they heard about rumors or are friends with someone who believes this.Now, do not bully, slander, or harass this person under any circumstances. I don't want you to harass them, I don’t want to make them ‘pay’, or make them suffer like I have, I only want to be left alone myself to live my life. DO share this message as far and wide as you can. I am so hurt by these absolutely malicious attacks that I don't deserve. I strive to run the safest and most welcoming conventions in the world, with people by my side who feel even stronger than I do about it! Thank you for reading all of this and supporting me through this awful time.

[space-------kid]

can’t keep my hands (off you).

Anime/Manga: One Punch Man Pairing: Garou/fem!Reader Additional pairing/characters: platonic Metal Bat/fem!Reader, Zenko, mentions of other heroes such as Saitama, Watchdog Man, etc. Genre: Romance, comedy Warning: Absolute silliness. Language – Garou and reader both ate rainbows for breakfast. Dumbassery. Teeth-rotting fluff, maybe? Reader is hella strong like Saitama. Half-assed spice because you’re good at cockblocking Garou despite being low-key thirsty for him. And LOTS of dumbassery from the reader, most probably. Additional tag: Dream-based fic, canon-divergent, Garou is horny af A/N: This is supposed to be a lengthy one-shot, but I’m a dumbass who can’t keep my word so the supposedly one-shot isn’t a one shot anymore.  Now I have to worry how I should properly divide all those parts (I mean, they’re already divided, but–) 😅 Happy New Year! *snicker*

You and Garou continue being friends. And he still couldn’t get enough of your thighs, damn it.

Summary:

Your life had its general ups and downs, pros and cons, the good and the bad.

You were admittedly a coward and afraid of being targeted by people for it. Following the advice of your (best) friend you trained hard, like, FUCKING hard, and now you’re blessedly, utterly strong you can take down enemies with just one hit. A good thing, really. Can’t let any bad guy harass you or something.

But-

You were probably cursed with the biggest, baddest of luck. Not only were monsters chasing you, suddenly there was this fucking hot bastard weirdo who kept on calling himself the Hero Hunter. “I’m not a hero, goddamn it!”

i. and ii. | iii. and iv. | v. | vi. | [more to be added]

“i can’t keep my

hands

off…!”

- can’t keep my hands off you/simple plan

vii.

You were acting skittish around him, and not because of his constant teasing.

Garou was secretly thankful that you weren’t stupid like other people despite being such a dumbass sometimes. He liked that you were being straightforward with him, and it was something that he could appreciate at the moment.

He also loved liked the fact that despite coming to terms that he was indeed the wanted Hero Hunter, you never actually banned him from going in and out of your home as he pleased.

“I mean, I really am a dumbass, right?” you were telling him as he watched you cooked dinner for the both of you. Garou had uncharacteristically held off his hero hunting to discuss things with you, and he could see how relieved you were about it.

“You already told me yourself who you are the first time we met and here I am, still surprised that I’m actually letting the Hero Hunter inside my home!” you continued. Your expression turned contrite when you turned to look at him. “B-But that didn’t mean that you’re not allowed here anymore! I’m just too shocked by my sheer dumbassery to actually- a-and you’re just beating heroes up and not killing them, I heard, so… fuck my logic, right? But as long as you’re not outright murdering anyone, I don’t have the right to tell you to stop doing whatever you want with your life, right? I know you don’t need someone telling you that and-“

He shouldn’t even be here in your house right now. He should’ve left the moment you broached the topic about his identity. But just as Garou thought that you would ask him not to return anymore or else you’d call for help (not that you needed it, anyway), here you were: telling him that he was still free to come and go to your home as he pleased.

What kind of a coward would let a wanted criminal to enter their home as they pleased? A dumbass, you said it yourself.

“If you’re scared of telling me to leave, don’t be,” Garou told you insouciantly. “All you gotta do is ask, jeez.”

You shot him a dumbfounded look at quickly shook your head. “Why would I do that?” you asked him, flabbergasted. “I told you already that you’re still allowed here, did I?”

He frowned at you, steadily feeling annoyed by the wary light in your eyes and how it contradicted with your shaky yet genuine words. Could you decide which of the two you would remove off of you already?

“Then decide if you should be scared or sincere already, for fuck’s sake!” he barked at you, making you squeak and nearly drop the ladle you were holding. Garou caught the thing when you threw it at him in retaliation, glaring half-heartedly and pouting at him.

“I AM sincere, you dork! And maybe I’m just feeling scared because I don’t want my best friend to throw me in jail himself or beat you up because he might think that-“

You stopped talking, looking as if you said something that you shouldn’t have and turned your back to him. Garou narrowed his eyes at your behaviour, curiosity gleaming in his golden eyes.

Why did you just suddenly sport that ‘shit I fucked up’ expression?

The self-proclaimed Hero Hunter crossed the distance between the two of you in a few quick strides and corralled you against the kitchen counter, arms caging you between his body and the countertop in front of you. Garou could see your body tense at the proximity, couldn’t stop himself from admiring your exposed skin thanks to your hair tied up in a messy bun and the tank top you were wearing. He was so close, he could practically nuzzle his nose against your neck should he dip his head down to your level-

Nope, not now, though. He had a curiosity to sate at the moment.

“And why would your best friend beat me up, huh? Lock you up in jail?” he questioned, raising a brow at you when you peeked up at him over your shoulder. Garou fought the urge to grin at your flushed face but he wasn’t opposed to the idea of flustering you further.

Wait a damn moment. How did he get from teasing you in hopes of awakening the thing that took over your body to defend yourself TO teasing you just to see how you looked like while blushing?

Oh, right. You and your fucking thighs, Garou answered himself. But back to more current pressing matters….

You looked away again and stuttered a reply.

“B-Because he m-m-might want t-to! C-Can’t anyone do t-that?” was your shitty excuse.

Man, you could really be a dumbass.

Garou leaned his body towards you, his broad chest touching your back. You let out a surprised squeak at the contact, trying but failing not to take notice of the hard planes of his muscles against the fabric of your clothes.

“[Name],” he whispered in your ear. The gasp he elicited from you sounded so good, and Garou could feel his self-control slipping just a tiny bit. He bit back a groan when you pressed your back against his chest in an attempt to push him off of you.

“C-Come on, haven’t you heard o-of citizen’s a-a-arrest or s-something?” you yelled at him indignantly, your voice turning up a pitch higher in your panic. “Bat is just-“

“Bat?” Garou asked you, perplexed. Did he just mishear you, or…? “I thought you said your best friend’s name was Badd?”

You hurriedly turned around to face him and planted your hands on his chest, pushing him away weakly. Garou, however, didn’t budge and kept his questioning gaze on you.

“That’s what I said! Badd!” you lied frantically, eyes shut tight as you continued your feeble attempts. Damn, where was your strength when you needed it?

Too bad for you, Garou was secretly the sharpest tool in the shed. He was quick to pick up on the erratic pitch of your voice and sudden ungainly body language. “He’s a hero, ain’t he? Your best friend?”

“He’s not!”

You could lie all you want, but you’re not fooling him anymore.

Garou should be angry. He really should. After all, being lied to was one of the things he hated the most. But the reason for your deceit was not to harm anyone – he could clearly see that you were hell-bent into uttering a falsehood just so you could protect your (hero) best friend as well as Garou himself. Not that he needed your protection, but-

He almost smiled at the concern you were inadvertently showing him. More so when he heard what you had to say next.

“He’s not!” you lied still. “And what if he is? I-I can’t let my friends beat each other up, you dummy!”

Ah. Garou should have expected that you two were way past being acquaintances with how much he had been frequenting your home and interacting with you. The thought of being friends with you struck a chord in him that had long since fallen asleep ever since he was bullied as a kid.

You might be a dumbass sometimes, but you were still quite welcoming despite all the previous scares and continuous teasing he put you up with. And aside from making it his goal to fluster you (as his stupid teenage hormones commanded him), Garou found the companionship rather… nice. Not that spending time with that kid at the park and reading the Hero Guide Booklet together wasn’t something he wouldn’t call a form of camaraderie. Maybe spending time with someone his age without having a care in the world was something he sort of sought and found in you.

Garou had no qualms being a lone wolf, but he won’t deny that human interaction  – well, aside from beating heroes up, that is – was a nice change of pace in the life he now led as the Hero Hunter.

You were a coward, but you were never judgmental. And that was one of the things he quite liked about you, if truth be told, other than your perfect thighs-

And there went his mind again. He had seen women sexier and much prettier than you, so why were you the only one who piqued this kind of interest on him, the kind that he usually didn’t even bother entertaining?

And you calling him friend right now wasn’t exactly helping-

“Are you gonna beat my best friend up, then? If I tell you he’s a hero?”

Garou blinked at your distressed question and leaned down at you, grabbing your wrists and placing your arms around his shoulders while he grinned at you playfully.

“I don’t even know which of those damned heroes is your friend,” he told you jauntily. “Ah! Maybe the reason why you didn’t tell me is because he’s weak? Scared I’ll beat him to a pulp, [Name]?”

He was just making fun of you, you told yourself. But Garou implying that your best friend wouldn’t hold his own against the silver-haired male pushed you into your protective mode. People could badmouth you all they wanted, but to hell with it if they demean your number one supporter and his little sister!

“How dare you?! Badd is way stronger than me! He can beat you up real easily!” you angrily defended your best friend. Not realizing that Garou was riling you up into telling you who Badd really was, you unwittingly took the bait and could only stop yourself the last second.

“He’ll beat you up and it’ll be a piece of cake for him ‘cause he’s Metal Ba-“

Hurriedly, you stopped yourself and pulled your arms off of him to cover your mouth with your hands. Eyes the size of the moon, you winced when Garou gave you a look as if he’d hit the jackpot.

“Ding, ding! And so she finally tells me who her best friend is,” he tells you in a sing-song manner, grin splitting from ear to ear now. “And what a surprise, he turns out to be S-Class, rank 15!”

The look you gave him was full of annoyance at being one-upped and ire directed at your own folly. You covered your face to muffle the frustrated whine bubbling from your throat and mindlessly shoved your head on his chest.

Caught off guard at your sudden movement, Garou raised his hands but not quite knowing what to do with them. He settled for patting your head with one hand, his ears turning pink when you unconsciously purred(?) like a cat at the action.

“You’re gonna hunt him now, aren’t you?” you asked him, your voice muffled. “You’re gonna hunt Badd, and there’s nothing I could do to stop you from doing so.”

Garou huffed, hand still petting your hair gently. “Yep. Nothin’ you can do about it.”

This was it. Guess he had to cut your friendship short since he didn’t really want to make you choose between some guy you just met recently and the one you call your best friend.

He was the Hero Hunter, and you were a civilian with a pro-hero for a best friend.

What an uncanny arrangement.

You shuffled slightly and craned your neck to look up at him, your eyes wide and imploring. “Can I make a request, though? Like, don’t try to kill Badd, maybe? Since there’s no stopping you from being the Hero Hunter and I can’t exactly dictate you to drop the act…”

Garou gaped at you, face filled with incredulity. Did you just give him the permission to fight your best friend as long as he didn’t commit murder? And did you just imply that you accepted him for who he was?

And it’s as if Garou was actively trying to kill those he beat up

He watched as your eyes filled with awe and admired the way your cheeks turned red when he smiled at you – and a genuine one at that. Garou squished your cheeks with his hands and lowered his face to yours, his smile turning roguish when you blushed harder at the proximity.

“And what if Metal Bat kills me, huh? Don’t you think that’s a bit unfair?” he questioned. “Can’t make a request like that if it’s gonna put me at a disadvantage, y’know. But… I might be willing if-”

One of his hands crept down and poked your thighs with a finger.

“-I get a handful of these?”

Garou dodged, laughing, when you swung a hand up at him for a slap.

“Pervert! Leave my thighs alone, thirsty bastard!”

---

to be continued

[accidentally-logince]

Guardian Angel - Chapter 3

Summary: Virgil, sick of always dying and being resurrected again, decides to finally work out a way to end it for good. The only problem- he left Patton alone and depressed. Virgil makes it his goal to keep Patton alive until the time comes for him to join Virgil in the land of the dead.

If you missed: Prologue, Chapter 1, Chapter 2

Warnings: Suicide mention, crying, minor mention of eating disorder

(If there any more, please tell me!)

Word Count: 1.8k

Pairings: Royality, eventual Moxiety

---

Virgil

---

The bus driver snitched.

Based on the evidence given—what the driver saw, the time, the circumstances—they figured out that it was suicide. They even looked for a note. There wasn't one, of course. But then, they started questioning my friends. Well, and Demitri.

The asshole himself sits uninterested in the office chair, one leg crossed over the other, his eyes wandering around as if he'd rather be anywhere else. I lean on the wall to listen; the information might be interesting. 

"Did you notice anything off about his behaviour in the weeks prior to his death?"

Demitri huffs. If you wanted, you could play it up just a little more, I think. "I don't know. I never really talked to him because I wanted to. He was just there. If we're being honest—" Oh, ha ha, Mister Deceit over here, "—he was kind of a wimp." My wings give an irritated flap at that, but because I'm used to it from him, it's easier to blow off. Doesn't make me hate him any less, though.

"So he wouldn't have told you anything about what he was planning?" 

"No. We hated each other. I really don't think I can make that more clear. He acted like he thought he was so much better than me." Oh, that's just gold. "Listen, can you just call in one of the others? I'm bored, and I have no information."

The officer sighs. "We can move on for now. But you must be prepared if you're questioned again in the future." She drags her pen down her notepad and then taps it. "Can you bring Logan Crofter in as you leave?"

"Yeah, sure," Dee says, pushing himself to his feet. A smile breaks out on his lips as he leaves. He just flicks Logan's glasses, saying, "you're up."

Logan fixes his now askew glasses and stands up. None of them had been told exactly why they'd been called. All they know is that they're being questioned. Until they walk in and sit down, they don't know what about. I don't know if I like that better or worse than just telling them outright before they came. Patton looks a little stressed, but not excessively upset, though, which is a bonus.

As he walks into the office, Logan is tucked into himself. Giving the officer a small nod, he sits down and awkwardly places his hands in his lap, gaze wandering to his curled fingers. He was never good at eye contact anyway. 

"Mr. Crofter," the officer says. Logan flinches, and his face falls just slightly more.

"Good afternoon, ma'am."

The officer goes about carefully explaining exactly why Logan is actually here. He actually lifts his eyes to meet hers, almost as if silently begging her to say she's lying. I can tell how hard he's trying to keep himself from crying. 

"I didn't realize that he was... going through that," Logan whispers. I can hear the quiver in his voice, even at the low volume. I step forward and place my hand on his shoulder. He moves up into my phantom touch. I don't know if I'm cold or warm, but just the distant contact seems to relax him just the littlest bit.

"So you hadn't noticed any significant changes in his behaviour?"

Logan bites his lip. "I didn't. He always acted so happy. It was always him who would cheer us up." Then, his eyes drop back to his shoes, and he lifts a hand to lay on his arm, right near where my hand sits on his shoulder. I shift so that my fingers overlap with his. He crumples when he tries to say something else. "I'm sorry, I-I... Can I come back another time?"

They definitely should have told them before they got here. I kneel in front of Logan, reaching up to wipe tears from his cheeks. He blinks at my touch, which I'm starting to understand has a sort of soothing effect to people in the overworld.

The officer nods, dismissing him. She's starting to understand her error too. "Send in the last two, okay?" she asks. As Logan turns to leave, she brings her fist to her mouth, thinking. I reach out and brush Logan's arms with one wing as he steps through the doorway. He tells the other to come inside, and then keeps walking with hardly a glance back.

---

Patton and Roman hadn't been questioned. The officer, learning from the error of her ways, only told them the news, leaving the questioning for a later date. Patton had reacted dismally, collapsing into himself and sobbing into Roman's chest as his boyfriend rubbed his back reassuringly. Roman looked more reserved, but I'm sure that was for Patton's sake, because his expression was strained the entire time they were there, and his reassuring smile was forced on the drive to Patton's house.

When he got home, Patton didn't wait before making a beeline straight for the stairs, looking drained as he crawled onto his bed. All his tears had already run out, and he just sat, tucked into himself as he shivered. I sat with him for awhile, until he finally went to sleep—without accepting his mom's offer for dinner. I hardly have time to worry if he's going to stop eating again when a little light shoots into the air above his head.

It doesn't do anything. Just hovers there, right over Patton. I lift a finger and poke at it, and when I connect with it, it expands ever so slightly, showing a grainy image of a grassy hill. I reach out and press it to my palm, and it grows bigger yet, until it's matched the height of my hand, heel to the tip of my middle finger.

I can see Patton inside when I squint. He's wandering through the field; the grass is up to his hips, and he runs his fingers through it as he walks, staring bewildered at the sky. Is this his dream? I lean forward to see better, and the light grows bigger again, this time to the size of my torso. I reach out, and my arm moves through it—no, inside it. 

After a few seconds of contemplation, I lift myself up into the air, and the dream portal grows to accommodate my size as I fly through. I have to shield my eyes for a few second because it's so much brighter now that I'm actually inside. The dream is warm, ignoring the continuity of the real world. I guess it doesn't have to make sense.

A run-down shed sits on top of the hill, and I soar down to land next to it. The wood is splintery and extremely dry when I press my fingers to it. If it weren't for the tall grass, I'd say it never rains around here. 

Okay, again, you're trying to analyze the logistics of a dream, I tell myself. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Patton turn around. Instinctively, I swiftly turn the corner. I don't know what compelled me to hide from him, but a growing feeling of dread keeps me from revealing myself. What would happen if he did see me in his dream? What would he think in the overworld? Would it make him feel better or worse? 

As if sensing my turmoil, the dream portal reappears as a tiny dot in front of me. I press my hand against it and fly through.

---

Patton

---

I could have sworn I saw a wing.

Maybe it was my eyes playing tricks on me, but it looked like there were feathers moving around the wood of the shed. I stare for a few seconds and nothing happens. No movement, no sound. My fingers move absentmindedly through the grass at my sides, enjoying the soft feeling.

This place makes me feel... happy. Distantly, I know its not real. But I decide to pretend, for now. An overwhelming calm has enveloped me, and I just want to bask in it for one more moment...

And then the moment is gone.

My alarm clock wakes me from my sleep. I don't even know why it was set, but I trudge across the room and turn it off. For good measure, I even tug the cord from the socket. I haven't been using the clock, it's not like I've been going to school. Tears force their way into my eyes, and I shove the heels of my hands into them, frustrated with myself. It was a dream. It was going to end anyways.

I just stand at my dresser for a few minutes, in a dazed state of half-sleep. I start to think that maybe I can slip back into the dream, but quickly will the thought away and lean down to open my drawer, pulling on a hoodie. The alarm had gone off at four am. I decide I'm not getting back to sleep and instead take a walk, hoping I can clear my head. 

It really has been dreadful the past couple weeks. By not going to school, I'm subjecting myself to hours and hours of time where I have nothing at all to do. My friends can't even visit, because they're actually going to school. I don't know how easily I could take it, especially after I just learned what happened to Virgil, but the aspect of another day spent on the couch, flicking through the channels to find something that I won't even watch—

I didn't know I was going to Roman's house. My feet brought me here by their own volition. An overwhelming urge to feel his arms around me has me moving to the door. He told me I could come in without knocking, especially if it's this early. I don't want to wake up his parents, so I press my spare key into the lock and open the door quietly.

The door to his room is cracked open, as usual, and I slide in, shutting it again when I'm inside. The single strand of light from the dimly lit hallway leads to the foot of his bed, and I follow it, carefully pressing my fingers onto Roman's forehead. 

His eyes flutter open, and he recognizes the pressure, shifting so that there's room on the bed for me. Wordlessly, we readjust ourselves until we're comfortable, his arms wrapped around me—just like I'd wanted—and my head pressed just under his chin. I curl my fingers in the fabric of his sleep shirt.

"I'm gonna try school again tomorrow." I don't know why that's the first thing that comes out of my mouth, but I can feel Roman smiling.

"That's wonderful," he whispers. "Because I missed you." He moves his head to press a soft kiss to my forehead, and I huddle closer into him. 

We don't say anything else. I find it much easier to fall asleep with him nearby.

I don't go back to my dream.

---

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[scribbles-by-kate]

Series rewatch thoughts - 1.19 “The Return”

Picking up from my thought at the end of the last recap, it seems clear that Rumple found Kathryn after her accident and brought her somewhere, maybe to that abandoned house Sidney talked about. He kept her there, gave her food and water, and then drugged her, until he left her in that field and she was able to find her way to town just before Mary Margaret was sent over the town line.

As for the main thread of this episode - Rumple and Bae, now that we know about Rumple’s loss of his own father, his reluctance and fear at the portal makes more sense, or adds another layer to that behaviour. Because, although he was reluctant to be powerless, and he likely didn’t believe Bae would find another way to free him from the dagger, he didn’t back out on their deal until he saw the portal. It seems to me that he was afraid of that magic, and if I was watching that for the first time again, I’d be questioning why he was afraid of a bit of magic, when he had so much of his own. That would make me think there was more to it, and, indeed, there is. I do think that he was afraid to be powerless, but I think he would have gone with Bae if he’d found another way. I absolutely do think he would have gone with him, because he had his chance to back out when Bae came to him that night. He didn’t take it then, even though he was going on about being powerless. He was clearly thinking of backing out of the deal then, but he didn’t do it. He only did it when he told Bae the portal would rip them apart, and, again, if I were watching for the first time, I’d be wondering why he said it exactly like that.

Not that I believe going to the Land Without Magic would actually have freed Rumple anyway. Blue wants to send him somewhere he can’t use his power, but he’d still be the Dark One, and we know from later seasons that magic can exist in the Land Without Magic, and that if Rumple were killed there, the Darkness would likely have swirled around looking for a new host. Plus, he’d still be immortal if he weren’t killed. So Blue’s solution is simply to rid herself of the headache of Rumple/the Dark One, rather than actually help in a meaningful way.

Also, Blue says what ails Rumple is specific to their realm, and that his powers don’t belong there, which…doesn’t make sense? Honestly, she’s so shady. Morainne’s talk about the first power and Blue saying she’s on the right side, as opposed to the good side, just makes her sound so questionable. And WHY doesn’t she tell Bae to try True Love’s Kiss? She’s a fairy: surely she knows about that!

A couple of other things about Blue - her antagonistic attitude to Rumple when he asks her about another way to get to Bae doesn’t really fit with my idea of a benevolent fairy. I wonder if she’s influenced by what happened with Rumple’s mother and the fact that he was meant to be the Saviour and is maybe denying the idea that she should have done more to protect him way back when. And Blue is clearly awake in Storybrooke. She smiles when Rumple asks about August, and, though she’s telling him the truth about August and his father, it also conveniently fits the narrative about Rumple and Bae, and August says a fairy told him about Rumple. We saw August with Blue, so obviously Blue is awake. She’s so damn shady!

At this point in the flashbacks, we are past the point where Rumple made Bae forget about commanding him to kill Beowulf. Watching again, it’s heartbreaking to see that Rumple getting worse and he and Bae growing apart is a result of Rumple trying to protect Bae from the Darkness. He sacrificed his own soul to keep Bae’s pure, but it still tore them apart. Rumple tells August that Bae was the bigger man, but only because he made him so, and damned himself in the process. It’s heartbreaking.

The story about Rumple’s addiction to power has threads in this episode too. Rumple says he needs more power to protect Bae, and worries about being powerless, but he’s not quite so far gone that he wouldn’t have given it up. I know they didn’t explicitly call this an addiction until Rumple said it in season six, but that’s clearly what it is when you read between the lines.

And the thing is, Rumple does have moments where it looks like he might be able to overcome the addiction. He has two of them in this episode. The first is when he goes into the woods with Bae, and the second is when he hands August the dagger, telling him he’s choosing him now. Most of the time in situations like this, Rumple’s intention is honourable: it’s only circumstances that make it not work out. In the woods with Bae, he was frightened and traumatised by the portal, and in the woods in Storybrooke, August wasn’t really the son he thought he was reuniting with. So his intentions don’t work out, and he doesn’t conquer his addiction.

So, really, I can’t blame Rumple for believing that intent is meaningless. For him, it always has been. He may intend to do the right thing, but then something will happen to thwart his intention. And I don’t think the instances of that in this episode were about him choosing not to do the right thing, or not simply that. With Bae, he didn’t go through with going through the portal because he believed it would tear them apart, as it did him and his father. And with August, he gave him the dagger: he’d handed it over, made his choice, and then discovered he’d been deceived. So it wasn’t about choosing power: it was about fear and loss, and it was about deceit.

For Regina, I think it’s somewhat simpler. You intend to do something, you do it, and it’s done. She intends to get her revenge on Snow White, and she’s not willing to stop until she does so. But Rumple is older and has lived longer, and has experienced his plans not working out as he intends more than she has. He’s somewhat more jaded than she is.

I believe that Regina is right, though: intent is everything. And I think that’s what Rumple has to learn, or one of the things he has to learn. His take seems to be that you can intend something, but if it doesn’t happen, what you intended means absolutely nothing: hence, it’s meaningless. But his is a more pessimistic view, and maybe more practical too. I think what Regina believes is more optimistic and aspirational. And I think Belle believes that way too.

Belle later tells Rumple she wants him just to try, and, for a long time, he resists that, because, to him, intent means nothing because it never works out: trying never works out. But then, eventually, he does try, and that kind of transforms his life. He intends to do better, he tries to do better, and he succeeds. So I think, by the end of his story, he’s more of a convert to Regina (and Belle’s) way of thinking: intent is everything.

What we learn about Bae seeking a way to rid his father of his magic safely actually ties in with what we learn about Neal trying to destroy magic later on in the series. I know there was some suggestion about Neal doing that so he could protect himself from Rumple, but I think what we know about Bae from this episode suggests that he might have been looking for a way to save Rumple also. Honestly, it could easily have been both. We know on some level that Neal feared his father, but he also loved him. So I don’t think, in hindsight, Neal wanting to destroy magic should have come as such a surprise: it was similar to what he wanted to do as a child.

The way Rumple looks at August at Mary Margaret’s party is heartbreaking. He thinks this is his son, and he just doesn’t know how to deal with it. I think Archie is really helpful to him. I’m sure that whole situation must have been so odd for Archie, hearing that Mr Gold had a son who maybe wanted to kill him, but he’s kind and understanding, and actually helps.

The fact that Rumple thinks Bae might kill him says a lot about how guilty he feels, and how he knows how wrong he was. He’s also quick to tell Archie that his son isn’t the one who needs to ask for forgiveness. He’s had centuries to berate himself for his poor choices, and he’s under no illusions that he was in the right.

I’ve had a lot of issues with Rumple’s lack of honesty in later seasons, but he says it here himself: honesty’s not the best colour on him. So it’s very telling when Rumple does go out of his way to be honest. When Rumple’s being completely honest, you know that means he really cares, and he really wants to do right and make amends. He’s only like that with five people in his life: Bae, Belle, Gideon, Alice, and Wish Hook. He has moments with other people, like Robin, but usually he will only really be honest with people he really cares about.

I really, really hate what August does to Rumple in this episode. His own desperation isn’t really an excuse, and his life being on the line isn’t one either. Rumple asks why he didn’t just come to him, and I don’t think August’s explanation that he needed him to want it holds up, or is particularly fair to Rumple. He basically stole Rumple’s apology to his son. Rumple can’t find it in him to be that eloquent when he meets the real Bae later, perhaps because he feels like that might get taken from him too. At the same time, I wonder if August really believed he would get that emotional a reaction from the Dark One. It’s easy to plan to trick this all-powerful sorcerer, but then to do it and have said sorcerer break down? I don’t know that he was prepared for that. And I do also wonder if August was hearing the words he wanted to hear from his own father, so he was pretending in that moment for his own emotional wellbeing. I do hate what he does here, but I don’t despise him somehow. I think there are definitely characters I dislike a lot more.

There was some talk about a retcon when we learned later on that Bae did use the dagger on Rumple. He tells August that his son would never try to control him, but I think, even though Rumple clearly knows that that’s not true, he’s never going to reveal that to the man who’s pretending to be his beloved son. Of course he’s going to talk Bae up to August. I don’t think he would ever tell just anybody that about Bae. I think the only ones who know the truth about that are Belle, and the first version of Gideon. Rumple’s not going to reveal that truth to very many people. So it’s Rumple being selective with the truth, rather than a retcon (and I hate that word anyway, especially when applied to such a non-linear story).

A few other things I wanted to talk about briefly:

It’s so weird to see how different the back room looks. They even changed the colour of the walls a few times. It’ll be interesting to see when they settle on the layout they had until the end.

Rumple skulking at Mary Margaret’s party is kind of amusing and sad. I’m assuming he was invited because he was her lawyer, but I suspect he only went because he wanted to keep an eye on August.

Henry’s card for Mary Margaret is still funny.

I can’t believe Regina is only now thinking to ask Rumple what giving her the curse was all about. I suppose it shows how much, at the end of the day, she did trust him. But her realisation that it’s all going to lead back to her clearly signals to her that he’s setting her up. I mean, I don’t know if he is. Maybe he just wants to remind her that he’s more powerful. Regina found a way to get out of it anyway, but it still must sting of betrayal when she realises he’s not actually on her side. It’s amazing to me that she trusted him, but, as a viewer, I know more than she does, so, from her point of view, this must turn her world upside down, even though, as we know, she’s keeping leverage over him too, so I suppose I can’t feel too sorry for her here. It’s a weird kind of trust/mistrust relationship that they have, and she’s well able to give as good as she gets when dealing with him. Also, Rumple inviting her to figure it out shows he doesn’t think she’s an idiot. Maybe he wants her to figure out what his beef with her is. I do still think it’s about the whole power play thing, but, very soon, now, it’s going to be all about Belle.

Maybe diagonally is the smartest thing Emma Swan will say in seven whole seasons. Perceptive, Emma.

Yes, David, Kathryn is amazing. I’m kind of sorry we never got to see them be friends after the curse broke and they remembered who they were. I like to imagine they were friends off screen.

And I’m glad David apologised to Mary Margaret, but I’m also glad that she didn’t just go back to him. She held her ground, and I love that.

[tipsycad147]

Leandra Witchwood

Magick for Personal Gain I assume you want to be happy! I assume you want to live the best life you can possibly live. Then, why do you feel guilty about using Magick to manifest this?

It’s okay, you are not alone. Using Magick to gain wealth, prosperity, abundance, and happiness in one’s life is an area where many new and experienced Magicians struggle to justify. How dare you ask the universe for happiness and the means to live a good life!

STOP! Stop, making yourself feel guilty for using Magick to your advantage.

This post was inspired by a discussion in one of the groups I am a member of on Facebook. The question was in regard to using your own Magick to discover if someone is lying to you. The person asking the question felt that this kind of Magick was possibly unethical because it could possibly be related to personal gain. Possibly, potentially, blah blah blah. We are so very good at over thinking things. However, the idea that Magick being used for your own personal gain is wrong struck a cord!

When it boils down to you living up to your fullest potential, you should not talk yourself in circles creating doubt and regret. You deserve to live your best life! You deserve to have happiness, wealth, and prosperity in abundance. You deserve to know if the people you interact with are being truthful to you. You deserve to have authenticity in your life.

Magick is here for our benefit. Nowhere is it dictated that we should ONLY use Magick to help others, while we live in deprivation. This ideal is a rouse posed to us under a veil of deception. We are told we are greedy and selfish for doing what is right for ourselves in your own life. You are not being selfish or greedy when you use your own Magick to make your life better!

Still not convinced? OK! Magick is your energetic essence! It is there to make your life better!

What is my reasoning? It’s simple when you make your life better, you, by default help make other people’s lives better. You are more pleasant to be around. You carry around less stress and resentment. You help make your community better! You help boost the economy, create jobs, and so on! That should be justification enough!

How so? Let’s start with general happiness. When you improve who you are and the life you lead, you become a happier person. You are less touchy and less grumpy as you have more freedom to transform who you are. When you change your living circumstances and turn your deprivation into progress, you inspire others to do the same. Your change shows others that improvement is not painful or unattainable! If your happiness and progress do not make the people in your life happy, then it is time to CLEAN HOUSE! Which is just another aspect of creating your best life as you surround yourself with those who want what is best for you.

When you choose to live in happiness you attract more happiness.  This includes happy people to spend time with.Let’s talk basic economics…

Having little to no money is stressful! It’s the Gods’ honest truth! When you have more money to spend, after paying all your living expenses and saving some for the unexpected (and long-term prosperity), you help the economy grow. When you are able to spend money with local small businesses, you are putting money directly into the local pool of prosperity. You are helping to create jobs, and generate new community projects, like parks and fixing those darn potholes you hit every day!

Sure there is more to it than this, but in its simplest form, this is how economics works. When you are able to spend a more, you help boost the whole of our community. When we all prosper and pitch in the system works and it becomes a collective collaboration to the flowing financial current. There is a reason money is called currency.

Also, when you can pay all your living expenses and have money left over, your stress level is much lower. Compare it to this common scenario, “Do I eat this month or take the sick dog to the vet?” This is real world ultimatum no one wins. It is also a situation no one should have to face. You deserve to have the money you need in your life allowing you to live abundantly and prosperously.

How abundance works

When we allow ourselves to be abundant, the universe sees that and gives us more. This applies to deprivation as well. When you restrict your power, the universe sees this and gives you less. You are the one who communicates to the universe exactly what you want. If you want happiness, exude it. The universe will reciprocate. If you are happy being miserable, exude misery and the universe will give you more of that, just the same.

This is the basic law of Magick. If you want something you cannot walk around thinking about how miserable you are without it. Focusing on lack will only attract more deprivation and lack. Instead, you must walk around in happiness, wealth and positivity, and the universe will give you more of happiness, wealth and positivity.

Yes, it is as easy as that, and it is as hard as that… especially when you are still making up reasons as to why money is bad…

Having money and desiring money does not make you a horrible person. You do not need to become a horrible person to acquire money, either. As I play devil’s advocate, money will not make you happy! You have to make you happy. Money will only make it easier to live comfortably so you can more easily choose to be happy.

Money is a Magickal tool. Just as some people use crystals or herbs (as an example) as Magickal tools so is Money used. Money is a means by which we survive, no scratch that… It is the means by which we THRIVE in this world. I think there is an entire blog post stemming from this subject alone, but for now, let’s put it this way – When you have more money you can do better! You can take care of yourself, your family, your home, your pets, cars, etc. and still have enough left over to care for the community.

So why in the name of the Gods should you not use your own Magickal ability, skills, knowledge, and POWER to manifest money for yourself?

Our culture and the world, even if you don’t like it, is run by money. Money has been given a bad reputation, because of the paths of corruption many people “with money” have chosen. The only way to change a system of greed, corruption, and oppression is from the inside out. Live by example and inspire others to do the same. You can show other people how to live a prosperous and wealthy life while continually giving back to the community. You choose how you show up in the world. If you choose greed when you are greedy. If you choose generosity, then you are generous. This is the Magick of money when we allow it.

‘But, wait… Money is the root of all evil, right?”

NO! Money does not create evil or greed. If a person displays these behaviours it is because they always had this as a part of their mindset, money was just the trigger. Money seems to be the element that reveals the true nature of many people. Money is viewed as powerful and those who crave it most will have their negative aspects revealed with money becomes abundant.

In essence, having a lack of funds causes just as much misery as having too much. Without enough money to care for yourself, your family, your pets, home, etc. you are not living a life of balance and well-being. In our current economic system having too little is just as damaging as having too much. In all things, a balance must be achieved.

When you attract prosperity to yourself the means to live comfortably you reserve your energy toward other important things. You can focus more completely on your personal and spiritual growth. You can take classes, hire a therapist/spiritual healer, and you are free to buy educational materials like books and seminars. You feel less stress because you have one less thing to worry about. You can progress further because you are no longer held back financially. Trust me, a new world will open itself up to you.

No longer will you miss out on things you really need in your life. Now, I am not saying you need to become a millionaire, but if that is what you want, then manifest it! There is nothing wrong with wanting to have money in abundance.

It’s not all about money!

Do you think someone is taking advantage of you and being deceitful to you? Then make it stop. Want to attract better friends? Funny-intellectual ones, who support and adore you for you are? Make it happen. Do you often feel bitter, resentful and angry? Make the change and reset your perceptions and mindset.

Magick gives you the ability to change any unsavoury circumstance in your life.

Taking your happiness into your own hands means you change your energetic field surrounding you. It means you have to take responsibility for what you will tolerate and how people interact with you. Give yourself the power to see through the deception. You have the power to attract the right people into your life. You have the power to change your mind about circumstances and obligations. Stop discrediting your ability and start using the power given to you by the universe!

It can be that easy.

There is no reason you need to feel undeserving of a happy life. Everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone deserves to have enough money to pay their bills, put food on the table, and live an abundant life. No one deserves to be lied to or deceived by those we care for. The only reason it seems hard to make necessary changes is that we think it is hard. We make it hard because we continually tell the universe, “This is hard!!”

Look at it this way, we have bought into decades and centuries of one kind of mindset. “Some are more deserving than others.” or this one “I have to work really hard to get what I need and want.” WRONG! Yes, I shouted it. WRONG!

If you only needed to work hard to gain prosperity and wealth, then every mother, grandmother, and a farmer would be rich beyond imagination. There is more to it than just hard work, it is about your thoughts and your relationship with money. It is about your relationship with yourself and what you believe you deserve in this world. It is about you believing that you can and will make things change. It is about you believing that you deserve to have positive and helpful people in your life. It’s about believing that you deserve to be fulfilled.

You don’t have to kill yourself to live a happy life. You don’t have to sacrifice family or friends to be prosperous. You don’t have to become a bitch or a tyrant to live abundantly. You don’t have to hate your job to make ends meet. You only need to think differently, and put your Magick to work for you!

Yes, changing a mindset that has been drilled into your head takes time. It takes patience, practice, and it takes diligence. You have to stop feeling guilty. You have to stop allowing others to make you feel guilty. You have to educate yourself so you can find the courage to stand up, and take responsibility for your future. It boils down to you making the change and deciding to no longer live in the shadow of greatness.

You are worth it! Let me say that again… YOU ARE WORTH IT!

You have the tools right at your fingertips. You only need to acknowledge and use them. You have to believe you deserve a good life filled with happiness and prosperity. Living with lack does not make you a more spiritual person. You, your mindset, and your actions make you a spiritual person. A life of deprivation and lack is not a life anyone should live.  The only reason monks are able to do this is because they have a community who steps in to care for their basic needs. This does not happen for the average person. People like you and me.

We are not monks we are WITCHES!

How many times have you wanted to do something, or go somewhere and could not because you did not have the money? I hate that feeling too. When we lack, we miss out on great opportunities; opportunities we never knew we could experience.

The universe wants you to be well taken care of. Nature wants us to live abundantly. Of course, it takes a little inner work, but that is something you already know about. How do I know what nature wants? Nature tells me. When you spend time in nature you will realise how things flow and the natural cycles that beckon us to follow.

Take a seed for example. A single seed when properly cared for will grow into a large tree. A tree that grows fruit, but it does just grow one apple or one pear. NO! It grows several, and within each fruit are dozens of seeds for the future. One tree has the potential to become hundreds. This is how nature shows us that she wants us to live prosperously.

In conclusion…

Money is not about greed. Happiness is not about mowing others over for your own gain. It is not about selfishness or oppression. It is not even about having material possessions or being better than anyone else. It is about living the best life you can. Using Magick to your advantage is about attracting the right people and circumstances into your life. It is not about manipulating anyone’s free will. It is about giving yourself the best possible outcome! It is about changing your beliefs related to what you think is possible, and what you deserve in life.

I would like to leave you with a challenge. Below is a spell for personal gain, aimed at wealth and prosperity. I want you to complete this spell and commit to making your life better through Magick. Once you complete the spell, write about your experience in the comments below and tell me how much better you feel. Tell me how you took control of your life with the goal of improving your relationship with wealth and prosperity. Tell me what realisations you uncovered!

Spell Work for Personal Gain: Wealth & Abundance Pizza Margherita

First, you will need to ready your mindset for this working. You will need to speak to yourself differently. You will need to mind your thoughts before during and after this spell. You will need to remind yourself that you are worthy of prosperity and wealth all in abundance. Make your thoughts positive and mostly about abundance and prosperity.

Wealth & Abundance Pizza Margherita

First, you will need to ready your mindset for this working. You will need to speak to yourself differently. You will need to mind your thoughts before during and after this spell. You will need to remind yourself that you are worthy of prosperity and wealth all in abundance. Make your thoughts about abundance and prosperity. Servings 4 Author Leandra Witchwood, The Magick Kitchen

Ingredients

The dough

6 ounces warm water

1 teaspoon active-dry yeast

½ teaspoon sugar

1 cup unbleached all-purpose flour

1 cup whole wheat flour

1 teaspoons salt

¼ cup olive oil

Toppings

Fresh basil

Prepared tomato sauce of your choice

Whole milk mozzarella sliced

Fresh garlic pressed

Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Fresh oregano opt

Salt & Pepper to taste

Instructions

Combine the water, sugar, and yeast in a mixing bowl or standing mixer with a whisk/whisk attachment, stir to dissolve the yeast. The mixture should look cloudy and foam should begin to appear on the top. Cove with a clean cloth, and allow this mixture to sit for about 15 minutes to ensure your yeast is active.

Switch to a dough hook (or a spoon if you are hand mixing) and slowly add your flour and salt to the bowl. Mix until you've formed a loose ball of dough.

Pour the olive oil into a large bowl and swirl to coat the sides of the bowl. Move dough into this large bowl, cover with plastic wrap, and let the dough rise in a warm place until it has doubled in size (about an hour). If you are making this the night before you can place your bowl in the fridge for a slow rise. After rising, you will want to knead it once more and set it to rise once more. Once ready, your dough can be used immediately or be refrigerated for 2-3 days.

Take 2-12” pieces of parchment paper and divide your dough between the pieces. Working with one piece of the dough at a time, (cover your resting dough with a clean damp towel while you work), with your hands form your dough it into a large disk on your parchment paper.

If you want an extra-thin crust, roll it with a rolling pin. Otherwise, Work from the middle of the dough outwards, using the heel of your hand - gently yet firmly pressing and stretching the dough until it's about a 1/4-inch thick. If the dough starts to shrink back, let it rest a few minutes before continuing.

Place your crust in the oven to pre-bake for about 5 minutes or just until the top is just golden. Remove from the oven and begin assembling your pizza. First, spread your pressed garlic on your dough, next add your tomato sauce, and cheese. Finally, top with fresh basil and oregano (in your own desired amounts, being careful not to overload your crust), and place in the oven for an additional 5 minutes, or until the cheese is melted that the toppings are golden brown. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

Cut your pizza and enjoy.

Turn the dough out onto a clean, well-floured work surface. Flour your hands, and knead until all the flour is incorporated, and the dough is smooth and elastic, about 5-10 minutes. The dough should still feel moist and slightly tacky, but should not stick to your fingers. If it's sticking to your hands and countertop, work in more flour; one tablespoon at a time until it is smooth.

When ready to make the pizza, preheat your oven to 500°.

Recipe Notes

When you mix your ingredients and knead your dough, focus on bringing prosperity and wealth in abundance into your life. Focus on joy and happiness, put on some happy music and dance if you feel the urge. Think of how you will budget, save, and spend your money when it is received. This is important. The universe wants you to have a plan. Make a budget, think of how much you need. Plan for your expenses, savings and yes decide where you will spend the rest. While your dough rises you should be focused on how you can improve you. If you allow the dough to rise 1 hour, take this hour or so, as a time of self-reflection. If you allow it to rise overnight, reflect before you go to sleep. This reflective time will be spent discovering your inner blocks that prevent you from living a wealthy, happy and prosperous life. You will also want to discover your relationship and receptions with money, especially any negative perceptions you have developed over the years. As you create your disc of dough, focus on balance within as reflected in the symmetrical shape of the dough. As you bake and top your pizza envision each topping adding wealth and prosperity to your life in abundance. When you sit to enjoy your pizza relish each bite as though they are ambrosia in your mouth. Take your time eating savouring each flavour, as you completely enjoy your creation of wealth and prosperity. Store what you do not eat and repeat this eating exercise until all your pizza is gone.

Bright Blessing!

Leandra

© 2015, The Magick Kitchen

http://www.themagickkitchen.com/magick-for-personal-gain/

[continuousevolution]

Note to self: the truth about honesty & flaws of casual confession: set your foundation right

Open Prayer I thank you Lord that your patience and mercy is never ending. I can’t begin the fathom how you had enough of it to walk me the long way round -by your grace alone I am here today, alive in every sense of the word, and that is all the evidence I need that you love me. I treasure the moment that I transitioned from simply acknowledging you, to embracing you, recognising you and comprehending who really are. I often reflect on the moments where the holy spirit has flooded my soul with love, a gentle reminder of your affection for me God. I see your love on the cross. I am not perfect God, I have fallen many times and will fall many times again. I acknowledge I can’t attain perfection in this life, but you Lord are capable of all things, and therefore pray that you might bless me enough to use an imperfect person for your perfect works. Sometimes I wonder if it's best I don't know when you’re using me for your will, because then I cannot be at risk of accumulating an ego. I commit my life to you, I give you my mountain tops and my valleys Lord. Have all of me. I pray that with each day I become less of me and more of you. That as you consume me, you shine from me and that people begin to see the you in me before the me in me. That I distinguish your light from the rest of the commotion polluting this world and stay on the right path, and that if I stray, I find the courage to lay down my pride and run home to you. I pray that my words reflect and glorify you Lord, that they bring comfort and courage to people who are feeling as defeated. No one compares to you, you’re above all. I am so blessed and so grateful that I am yours and you are mine. You give my life purpose, dignity and ability. Without you, I have no hope. You’re my greatest love. Dedication If you are reading this and you have made mistakes in your past, this is for you. If you are reading this and you still think about those mistakes when other opportunities arise, finding yourself hearing this small voice echoing words such as ‘incapable’, ‘failure’ or ‘unworthy’ into the corners of your heart, this is for you. If you have made mistakes in your past and you feel like they’re suffocating you, this is for you. If you’ve made mistakes in your past and you feel like they’re all people see when they look at you – if they’re all you see when you look at you – if your mistakes have become chains, binding you and causing you to be unable to step into new seasons, new chapters, new life; if you feel a disconnect between who you are and who you were, this is for you. If you’re not who you used to be, this message is for you. The ground work In describing a 'good person’ there are many qualities I would have said were critical to the criteria, with 'honest' being one of the highest ranking. This note to self is centred around the danger of honesty and casual confession, and the importance of ensuring our emotions, actions and lives are motivated and directed by a heavenly foundation. I hope this post reassures vulnerable people that the only assurance, recognition, forgiveness and validation they need is from our Saviour. Up until about a few months ago, if I had of met you I would have fairly instantly have told you the ‘ins and outs’ of my testimony, including the nitty gritty details of every high and low that led me here. These weren't, and aren't, all things I'm necessarily proud of. Yet, I found myself shouting them from the roof tops and preaching them under the ideology that 'there are no mistakes, just choices', and that ‘we should be grateful for all the choices we have made, honourable and not so, because they are the reason that we are exactly where we are today’. I used to believe that we should be honest with ourselves, and others, about the paths we have walked in order to help set ourselves, and others, free of the of the chains of past mistakes – to deconstruct the perceived plague of a ‘sinner’. These ideologies don’t sound toxic, deceitful or hurtful. Infact, I would argue the discourse used offers a sense comfort, liberation and ambition. Please do not misunderstand me, I don’t believe these ideologies are necessarily fatal– but they can be, if the foundation from which you build your understanding of them is flawed. I used to understand these ideologies on a fairly superficial level, but because my relationship with Christ has matured and strengthened I have been changed radically, and therefore, the way in which I understand and reflect these ideologies has also changed radically. Losing me? Hold on. I’ve got a word on my heart I believe God has challenged me to share with you (and yes, I use the word challenged because I am ignorant enough that I came to this revelation the practical way – making it to this revelation was challenging). It is critical from here on in that you understand that we humanly operate is systematic – our reality is a cycle. Our internal condition (hearts and emotions, left to their own accord) will determine our thoughts, perspectives and beliefs - they will determine what we perceive to be 'true'; From our thoughts and beliefs come our actions; repeated action results in behaviour: repeated behaviour results in habit: habit results in lifestyle; Your lifestyle dictates your external exposure; the things which you are exposed to will impact your emotions and there we are back to the start again – one big cycle. To live a life of purpose, to fulfil our God given callings, we need to ensure that our emotions do not determine our thoughts, perspectives and beliefs -that is not a fertile foundation. A fertile, sound, reliable foundation is established from the word of God – when we depend on his truth, instead of the truth we have enabled external factors to fabricate, we break the cycle and step into a life which is unrestricted by the confines of this world; we step into the kingdom of Christ. There is nothing wrong with the ideologies I mentioned earlier –it is true, we all make poor choices and those choices ultimately do shape and lead us. God willing, they will take us out of the valleys we walk ourselves into and through to the other side. God can use any circumstance for his will. These ideologies are not necessarily wrong, but, what can be wrong is your foundational understandings of these ideologies, and the motivation for action that misunderstanding may cause. If your foundational understanding regarding these ideologies comes from a poor understanding of who you are in Christ, than its likely the actions which result from these ideologies won’t reflect the will of Christ and won’t enable to fulfil your calling. Personally, I heard a preacher speak once and he recited that one of he’s biggest fears is that when I meet my saviour in heaven he’ll point to one list which has all the things I did for him, only to point to another which is much longer and contains all the things I could have done if I had just laid down my life, listened and heard his word and did what he was calling me to do – I ponder about this often. What comes next is four realisations I had that enabled me to step away from the trap of casual confession and into the grace and life he has called me to; to lay down my crosses and take up his love; to critically examine and reflect on my habits, motivations and foundations – to align my heart, mind and will with that of Christ and trust him; to understand the power of speech, value of my soul, and source of identification. 1. The weight of knowledge The bible gives us the truth and the word - it tells us that our words are life and death. It tells us the route to forgiveness and righteousness. It reveals love, it reveals freedom, and it reveals him. It lays it all out for us so clearly. When I took math in high school, I was told all the equations and formulas. I knew of them - I did trust me, I read them and could recite them to you but for the love of God I just did not understand them and therefore they were useless to me. I think it's safe to say that most people in this world could tell you ‘what the bible is’ and give you some kind of broad blurb as to ‘what it's all about’. Does that however mean that every person who can tell you something about the word of God understands the freedom and love engraved in its pages, or has even read it? Does it mean they have comprehended the news of the gospel? Does it mean they have accepted Christ as their saviour, king, father, hope, eternity? Does it mean they have even thought about it? Unfortunately, no. Unfortunately, knowledge is nothing without comprehension. Knowledge has no weight. 2. The intimacy of Comprehension When we understand, when we truly comprehend the knowledge we have accumulated that is when it is given weight – that is when we unlock a whole new intimacy with our Saviour. When we comprehend and truly understand his word instead of just being aware of it we are able to live freely. He gives us a map, but if we do not learn how to interpret it and orientate ourselves we won’t be able to distinguish which way is which – we will remain lost. Before I understood who I was through faith, by grace, I spoke about my past openly. I shared my worst mistakes; by voicing my downfalls I was voicing my shame - I was subconsciously trying to convince myself that it didn't matter. If I can verbalise it I have obviously dealt with it, right? I was furthering my attempt to have 'dealt' with it by telling myself that speaking about it would help me to accept I'm not perfect and help others accept it's okay not to be perfect, too. Well, at least that is certainly what I was trying to convince myself of and comfort myself with. But whilst doing this I didn't realise the thing I was actually doing was wearing my heart on my sleeve, completely exposed and unprotected. I think today we have developed a habit of glorifying ungodly lifestyles, particularly how we can 'beat' them. We place so much emphasis on ‘breakthrough’ moments rather than recognising all the small, simplistic breakthroughs that also lead to freedom. This glorification of ‘conquering demons’ had such a strong subconscious influence on the way I thought, spoke and behaved. I subconsciously wanted to be strong, I wanted to be an 'overcomer', I wanted to be resilient; I wanted to believe that despite all of my shortcomings, all of my ungodliness, all of my brokenness I still had hope. I wanted to show and know that I was still worth something; that I had still made something of myself; that I still could make something of myself; that I wasn't defined by the mistakes I had made. In desiring to be these things, in desiring to be more, I thought I needed to remind myself and make people aware of where I was now and where I used to be. In hindsight, it's like I was constantly trying to prove myself, often to people I'd never met - but mostly to myself. It's like my mistakes were chains and I felt so embarrassed, so fake and insincere until I addressed them –I kept trying to justify them or at least where I was now. It’s like I had to give every person I crossed paths with a disclaimer, ‘I'm not perfect, I've made bad decisions but now I'm trying. I'm not pure or worthy and I have a tendency to screw up. I'd love to keep talking to you, but I thought you should know what type of person I am so you can make an informed decision regarding the people you chose to surround yourself with. I mean hey look, I have stuffed up but at least I'm honest right? That's got to count for something, doesn't it? Honest people are good people, true?”. In effect, I was wearing my inner most insecurities, shame, loss, pain and fears on my sleeve just to have a shot at redeeming myself – another failed action. The problem with this is that my motivation for being honest was coming from an obsession or focus on my deeds. I was trying to do; to justify; to fix; to heal; to redeem and earn everything on my own. But the reality is we can't do it on our own, and we don’t have to. I was lost in disappointment with my shortfalls, compelled by fear that they were indicative of my nature because I had not listened to his words. I was filled with stubbornness, pride and embarrassment – my poor foundation led me to insecurity, to a desert, to pain, to suffering, to loss, despair: I disobeyed you God, I did this. It was my responsibility, so I’ll deal with it. I’ll fix it. When I’ve fixed myself, when I’ve shown you how far I’ve come, then I’ll be worthy of you. Then I’ll feel whole. Then I’ll feel secure. I won’t be such a liar, I won’t be superficial or hypocritical, because my actions will finally reflect my heart and love for you. I spoke my past over my future and gave the enemy ammunition. I needed to turn to HIS WORDS AND COMPREHEND THE TRUTH; He has told us we are forgiven: Mark 2:5 ‘when Jesus saw their faith, he said “son, your sins are forgiven’ He told us we are redeemed: Ephesians 1:7, ‘in him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace’ Isaiah 52:3, ‘for this is what the Lord says, “you were sold for nothing and without money you will be redeemed”’ Deuteronomy 15:15, ‘Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and the Lord your God redeemed you.’ Isaiah 42:22 ‘I have swept away your offences like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you’ He told us of grace – he told us it's free. He told us that we had this grace from the beginning of time and that it became accessible through Jesus. That we can't earn his love or alter our worth in his eyes – he called us because of his own purpose and will, not anything we have done. : Romans 3:24, ‘and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came through Christ Jesus’ Romans 11:6, ‘and if by grace, then it cannot be based on works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace’ 2 Timothy 1:9, ‘he has saved us and called us to a holy life – not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but has now been revealed through the appearing of our saviour, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel’ He told us the only way to God is through our saviour Jesus Christ, and we must believe, truly recognise and embrace the weight of his sacrifice: John 1:7, ‘for the law came through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ’. He told us that from the moment we were created our God had plans for us – not that he makes plans according to our deeds – our God is all knowing – his plans are beyond our comprehension, he's ways are wonderful. You are part of a generation which was brought whilst they were dead, you are called according to his will and your future has been secured through your faith. Ephesians 2, ‘as for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of the world and of the ruler of the kingdom of air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy made us alive in Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved. And god raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches if his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and thus is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works , which God prepared in advance for us to do’ For me, I had heard people preach using Proverbs 18 ‘The tongue has the power of life and death’, so many times over the past year - it's actually kind of humorous in hindsight how thick I actually am. Man, what a patient, merciful, kind god we have. In hindsight, I can see he continuously reached out to me with this verse saying, ‘how many times do I have to tell you, my grace is sufficient. You take me completely or not at all. And if you are going to take me, then you best realise your purpose is now to be a bearer of my love, a harvester of my fruit. I have anointed you and called you. Your words hold the weight and ability to birth life or death – walk where I have called you and preach the love I have covered you in. When you were broken, I held you together and I will continue to do so. I have been found by you, and with you I will stay until you come to see me face to face, and even then I will be with you. When you opened your heart to me, you accepted my grace - every time you need reassurance all you need do is open your heart to me more. My grace is sufficient, you will never thirst again, you are free now my child.’ And that is the honest truth. Don’t you see? Who you are, when you have come to Christ, ceases to have anything to do with what you have done. Your identity is in him. You become a new person, by his ability, not your own. Stop trying to carry your cross. He already carried it for you. Stop trying to punish yourself; he took your punishment when he laid his life down for you. You want to show God how much you love him? Really? Then honour the sacrifice he made for you. He did it, willingly. Accept and embrace that. To try and carry your own cross after he already did it for you, is to discredit and disrespect what he did for you. Now I know, sometimes we do this without realising, but you can bet your bottom dollar every time we realise that is what we’re doing we should lay our pride at his feet and thank him for his love and mercy. 3. The flaws of casual confession The word confession is often associated with guilt and the admission of wrongs – personally, I associate this word with a formal act, typically involving a person of authority or a person who has been wronged. So then, what is casual confession? Casual confession is when you seek comfort in the reassurance of others about the things in your life, your past and your heart that you're not proud of or not yet comfortable with – maybe it's friends, maybe it's leaders, maybe it's family, maybe it's strangers, maybe it's even every person you meet. I've seen casual confession manifest itself in many forms; I've seen it emerge in self-depreciating jokes, in colloquial language,‘d&m’s’ and the list goes on. Casual confession stems from a lack of understanding and a whole lot of knowledge. For me, casual confession had even corrupted the motivation of sharing my testimony - it impacted the tone of language in which I communicated it, therefore, in fact I really wasn't providing a testament of his grace, because I was still bearing my own cross. I grew up in a Catholic Church and I am so grateful for that, but I grew up under the impression that to be 'right' with God I had to confess and that I could only do this through a priest - it wasn't enough to just pray to God I had to physically 'get it off my chest' to a third party. I guess it's out of that habit that my rocky foundation for the ideology I spoke about previously was formed -I thought that I could free myself and help others be free by verbalising things. I'm not saying that we should never talk about our struggles. I'm not in any way saying that talking things through within sound relationships is not right - I'm not saying it's pointless or unhelpful. What I'm saying is that talking things through becomes a problem when it is the only way we are seeking comfort, reassurance and freedom - the comfort and freedom we seek can't be found in the world; it doesn't matter how many people you chat about it with. It doesn't matter how comfortable you become at verbalising it - if this is the only place you are turning to then you will only find temporary freedom. You might feel the weight lift but in my experience, the ‘freedom’ you'll feel following casual confession is the equivalent of the breath you breathe after being dumped by a wave at the beach, right before you are dumped by the next one- its short, it's disorientating, it's unfulfilling and it's barely enough to carry you through to the next one. If this is a habit you have developed you will be well aware it is a habit you are required to continue fuelling. It is a habit demanded by your emotions and thoughts regarding a circumstance and a reliance on your perceived truth rather than THE TRUTH. If left uncorrected, perceived truths and will continue to leave you feeling flawed, insecure, unworthy, damaged, and incomplete. This may be what culture and society will tell you but it is not what God has and will tell you every day, Amen. If you haven't reconciled with God and received verification that you are made new, that you are good, that you are worthy, you are forgiven, that you are able to start again from him DIRECTLY, if you haven't accepted his grace, then you will be trapped in reliance on casual confession for the rest of your days - why settle for temporary release when you have direct access freedom? Casual confession will cause you despair after the emptiness you are tirelessly trying to fill continues to grow. Casual confession will cause you pain as untrustworthy and negative people come into contact with what should be classified information and exploit it. Casual confession will confine us to where we are as we speak our pasts over our futures and fuel the enemy's war against us - the devil can't read our minds but surely as we confess carelessly, insecurely, shamefully and casually he listens, gaining ammunition and plotting his attempts at destruction and devastation in our lives. 4. The truth about honesty I want to make this clear – I do not have a problem with honesty. I love honesty, I desire honesty, I aspire to complete, utter, surrendered, transparent honesty to my God. In that, I am not saying it’s okay to be honest with God and lie to everyone else, no. What I am saying is that your motivation for being honest needs to stem from a healthy foundation with Jesus, and once that motivation is aligned with God; healthy honesty with those around you will result. Proverbs 18 continues, ‘from the fruit of their mouth a person’s stomach is filled; with the harvest of their lips they are satisfied. The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit’. In other words, the produce of our speech with fill our hearts and minds; what we verbalise has power over our circumstance. As we choose our thoughts, perspectives, attitudes and words we choose our destination – we chose life or we chose death. Can't you see the ball is in our court? If you need it clearer look to Proverbs 21:23 which says, ‘those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity’. Calamity means simply, ‘an event causing great and often sudden damage or distress; a disaster’. Wow. Those who mind what comes from their lips protect themselves from sudden disaster. Matthew 15:11 says, ‘what goes into someone's mouth does not defile them, but what comes out of their mouth, that is what defiles them’. I think why I love this scripture so much is that it reinforces gods promises and vision of us – it says it's not about what you have done or who you have been – go changed. It's not about what went in; it’s about what came out. It's not about whom you were when you started; it's about who you are now. God is a redeemer, allow him in follow and allow him to walk in your life. We have the ability to speak life or death – Proverbs 18 tells us so – if we are honest from a place of insecurity and shame, the tone of our speech will be toxic, breathe death and provide a foothold for the enemy, potentially restricting us from growth. HOWEVER, if we are honest from a place of security, grace and faith then we ensure our honesty is one which is fruitful, harvests life, and enables us and others to establish and build our foundations in Christ and to live freely in the grace he has provided us. If your motivation for honesty comes from a place of guilt, shame or a desire to justify your actions then please, I urge you to refresh yourself with his truth. And I urge you to acknowledge the power of your tongue. Examine the motivation of your words as well as the way in which you enable your emotions to be verbalised – don’t continue to speak your past over your future. I pray that you realise that you have to protect your integrity. You need to be wise with your heart - there is a distinct difference between honesty and exploitation. You can be honest all the time without exploiting your integrity, heart and soul. Your foundation determines the role of your feelings – a healthy foundation will ensure that you are not allowing your feelings to manifest into toxic speech. A healthy foundation will ensure that you do not continue to speak your past over your future. It will ensure that you walk into your calling, entitled – because through grace he has made you so. You are under no obligation to share anything with anyone, because quite frankly you can't trust everyone. To be a good honest person doesn't mean you have to overexert yourself, bare your soul to strangers or make a display of every part of yourself. Some things are just meant to be private. I don't mean private as in hidden; you don't have to be ashamed, insecure, embarrassed or hide parts of yourself. What I am referring to when I use the word private is personal - they have a higher value then the things you share with every Jack, Jill and Joe you meet in the street. We are intimate beings, our souls are soft and they are precious - they need protecting; they need guarding. We live in harsh times; people don't always do right because we are all just that – people. We're all stumbling through and all making mistakes. The things that make us, us - they're special. They're classified. They're valuable. Why? Because you are. Be wise. Protect yourself. You don't need a wall, but you do need some wisdom – guard your heart. Sometimes that will be from other people, but just as often, it will be from yourself. How? Turn to your saviour, listen, trust, confide, follow. The New Living Translation titles Proverbs 4 as ‘A father’s wise advice’; it provides wholesome, nurturing, loving, gentle advice to us. Particularly, I want to draw attention to verse 20-27: ‘My child, pay attention to what I say. Listen carefully to my words. Don't lose sight of them. Let them penetrate deep into your heart, for they bring life to those who find them, and healing to their whole body. Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. Avoid all perverse talk, stay away from corrupt speech. Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark a straight path for your feet; stay on the safe path. Don't get side-tracked, keep your feet from following evil.’ Cling to his words. Study them. Memorise them. Breathe them in and share them. Break the cycle of casual confession; don't speak the death of the past over the purity and life of your future. His word is truth and it never changes, it is written and referenced specifically for you, you need reassurance? You need encouragement? You need love? You need redemption? You need a new beginning? In a moment, every moment, it is yours for the taking; walk intimately with God and experience the freedom of his love. Never forget, your true validation; your identity does not belong to and is not, was not will never be created or altered by this world, anything you experience or undertake in it. You were born of the dirt but you have life by the Holy Spirit. Closing Prayer God we thank you for being who you are. We thank you for being so patient, merciful, kind and generous with us Lord. Thank-you for giving us a map to navigate this life and world with. I hope that bit by bit we uncover the wisdom the comprehend it. I pray that our foundation is formed from the promises you have proclaimed and that our actions and speech result directly from and reflect them. We stand in awe of your beauty and wonder. In this moment I open my heart to you and reaffirm my acceptance of you as my saviour and king, I choose to walk with you every day for the rest of my life. And should by any chance I get lost along then I pray that I have the courage to come running home into your open arms. You are my origin, my beginning, my middle, my end - my destination and every step between. I pray my life is a book that glorifies your name. I love you lord.

[elyridis]

aurora was a dainty, curious being.  capricious,  eleanor had often thought when she had felt just a tiny bit mean. there would have been other, equally accurate words — some kinder, some not — but eleanor liked this one best. she did not know the blonde well as their paths had not crossed often  ( at least not on this side of the mask ),  but everyone knew about aurora's mother.

aurora did not belong into this city, into this place  ( cathedral under the stars, heartbreak summit ) ... but she was  there  and no one else could claim the same right now. no one else had been supposed to be here, high up above the city, somewhere where only the stars were witness to the pain eleanor felt, but aurora was not just present. she understood. like ms mirage, aurora had seen a relationship end. perhaps not today, but --- heartbreak lasted, as eleanor’s mother would say, until the heart was whole again. 

" we pay high prices for this, " the blonde said quietly, offering her words like an olive branch. and eleanor added another word to the list of words she associated with the ice heroine:  young.  she did not know how old the other was, exactly, and she did not have to know either. " and it all too often costs us those we love most. "

eleanor sighed, wrapping her arms around her legs. " any relationship can be poisoned by feeding it secrecy, " she allowed, her voice barely more than a whisper. had she not kept her own secrets, she might have demanded honesty from seth, but there had been no room for that. she would have been a hypocrite, had she demanded something from him that she had not been willed to offer in return.

bony shoulders rose, then they fell as aurora sighed. " no one ever says how much sacrifice is required to be good, " she mumbled, dark eyes never leaving the city below. and she was  still  young, but at the same time, she seemed ancient. " i experience enough judgement on this side of the mask ... i don't want to be judged for my mother's actions in my other life as well. "

eleanor had been too young to remember what it had been like when aurora's mother had been a menace, but she had seen the scars the woman had left on both her city and on eleanor's father. and she knew that there were still people who did not think that aurora was truly a heroine, who instead thought that she was a cunning villain, biding her time.

below them, the city was slowly darkening as one by one, more and more windows went dark. it was still beautiful, eleanor decided. it was the kind of beauty only few ever got to see from her perch, but it always filled her with a strange sense of wistfulness. it was a sight she wanted to share with someone else, someone who was not her current partner in misery.

" i understand, " the redhead said quietly as she looked from the still glittering city and to the young woman in front of her. " you live with a burden most would crumble under. "

she knew she would. what aurora's mother had done had set the standard for how powered individuals were discussed. every time someone who had been fighting villains left their track  ( typically because there had been no appreciation and too much misled anger with them ),  their powers and potential damage output were judged by falling back to the standard aurora's mother had set because her actions had been beyond comprehension for so many. and to this day — many fell short of the mark, could not compete with the terror the ice user had wrought all those years ago.

" it helps not to care about what others think, " aurora said softly as she shrugged. and although eleanor did not know her well, she knew that this was not entirely true. there were opinions the blonde cared about, but there were not many and eleanor knew better than to bring up the  girl's  old partner, the one who had snapped at reporters whenever they had been unfair and cruel to the blonde. no one knew what had happened, exactly, but everyone knew that orage was gone.

( eleanor's younger sister might know, having equipped orage, too, but — there were things theresia did not like to be asked about and there were few things she guarded as fiercely as the privacy of her clients. )

( and ms mirage was tired, too tired to pick a fight with her sister to appease her own accursed curiosity. )

" there are many ways to skin a cat, " eleanor replied, feeling uncertainty dwell up inside of her. she was not sure if she could agree with aurora on this. she knew she should — a desperate need to please others had never gotten her anywhere, but ... she could not leave her own skin, could she? she could not pretend to be someone else. she had set out on this path because it was what people had needed her to do — her mother had needed retirement and eleanor, eleanor had been the best possible successor.

aurora laughed — a gentle, pretty chime. innocent, eleanor thought, she sounded innocent. it was a word that had seldom been linked to the blonde; cold and distanced were far more likely to pop up, but in one of her last enraged speeches, orage had called her friend a pure, an innocent soul. then, it had sounded like something one of karla's internet friends would say  ( eleanor had not yet come to understand where their obsession with beans originated from ),  but ... it seemed to have been an accurate assessment, after all.

" ah, i am sorry, " she said, gloved fingers tapping against the wall next to her. " i should not whine this much. "

eleanor scoffed as she shook her head. she had been throwing a pity party for herself, had mourned lost opportunities. of course --- she should have seen it coming. it always ended like this; she kept too many secrets, told too many lies to keep a partner in her life. they always assumed the worst, sooner or later, that she was cheating on them, that she was playing games ... and she could never bring herself to correct them. because frankly, it was easier this way. it was easier to whine for a little time because someone walked away from her, resenting her, thinking her deceitful, than it was to --- tell someone the truth.

she did regret this end, in particular. she liked seth, a lot, but after years of leading two lives, secrecy was too deeply ingrained into her personality. and he had kept secrets, too. that had unsettled her, had kept her on her toes. it was strange --- it was easier to connect to people who wore literal masks, sometimes, but seth's mask had been one of occasionally evasive answers and odd behaviour.

running a hand through her hair, ms mirage sighed. " have you been ... how long were you two together? " she asked quietly, carefully. the ... thing with seth had ended before it had really started, much to her dismay, but the way the other had talked earlier made her wonder.

chapped lips curled into a weak imitation of a smile, trembling ever so slightly. " two years. " aurora's voice, typically frosty and just a little sharp, was flat, nearly defeated. and for once, eleanor could understand. two years were a long time, all things considered. not many relationships could take two years of secrecy, of little white lies and thousand excuses. " i tried. i love him so ... i really, really tried. "

eleanor was merciful enough not to point out the slip of tongue and merely nodded. she had not tried as hard, she knew that too well. as of late, she had been confused, torn between two lives. and maybe, the confusion --- unfamiliar and terrifying --- had made things even more complicated. her heart was meant to be a compass, a guide. it was not supposed to waver the way it had as of late. 

so perhaps, it was better like this. maybe it was better for her to be on her own again; she could not afford for her heart and her head to be at war when all of her was supposed to work on taking down her nemesis. which meant that she should work on her own again. that she liked her current --- partner a little too much was one of the things that had gotten her into such a messy situation to begin with.

" i dont know what to say, " she admitted, finally. " i don't know you well, but i know that you're too stubborn for your attempts to have been ... weak. "

aurora stood, balancing on the edge of the building. " perhaps  that  was a problem, " she said, her voice too casual all of a sudden, " that i was holding on so tightly that i broke it with my own hands. "

it was a thought that had not yet come to eleanor, but she had to admit that it did have some merit. in trying their best to prevent a certain outcome, humans could easily get carried away. and beneath the ice, the clones or any other power, even the greatest of heroes were human. fallible. and moreso than many others, they were aware of it. the consequences of their failings were too great to ignore the mere notion of making a mistake. the result were --- unhealthy habits that were only meant to reduce the odds of messing up. but ... that was no way to live. it was no way to love someone, either.

eleanor shook her head, trying to get rid of the other woman's words as they echoed through her head although aurora had disappeared into the night sky. she could not think like this, could not decide that her recent failure had been the result of something too akin to a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[thesocialrevolutionnaire]

Testimony

Allow me to present to you my testimony; my own personal account of the experiences I had taking part within a few of the different denominations within the Christian faith. Be warned though, as it may not be quite what you imagine it to be. If you suffer from cognitive dissonance like I used to when I was practicing my faith, or you are unsure as to what that may be, then read my previous blog (if you haven’t already done so) before continuing. Consider this your final warning; your last chance to make your escape. Right, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get stuck in shall we? Practicing faith in god is not quite exactly what people on the outside (atheists, or even agnostics) may think. You are about to embark on a brutal and honest journey through the human psyche – experiencing first-hand the roller-coaster ride of emotion that I had to undergo, in order to reach where I am now; or rather that’s the idea at least. So “hold on to your butts”, pull yourself up by the bootstraps, and let’s get going.

I would like to start from the point at which I lost my best friend; how I came to become so lost and vulnerable, which in turn lead me to seeking and having faith in god; (something that actually goes hand in hand; not one before the other, which was something I feel that a lot of people assume about religion, and having a personal relationship with its respective deities) at which point I became so intensely focused on seeking god, in so far as becoming instrumental in the spreading of the word of god, just as we were encouraged to do so, as instructed in the bible itself, and by the pastors and youth leaders, but never were we forced or coerced to. I took it up as my duties and responsibilities as a disciple of Jesus Christ, whilst under the impression that I was carrying out God’s will, with promise of being granted eternal life as my reward, lest I am faced with the prospect of being thrown to my demise, and into the fiery pits of hell. Which brings me to my first criticism of religion, and how the fear of god is used as a means of leverage and coercion, over what I can’t obviously help, but notice to be some of the most vulnerable and lost people within society. So anyway, there was this sermon that I remember my pastor giving at the time; He was talking about the ‘fear of god’, and something struck me as quite odd about that, and it just didn’t sit well with me. I understand it now though! I realise now, that what he was trying to convey, he did so through the use of doublespeak; in order to convince and persuade us into thinking that the word ‘fear’ in the bible, didn’t specifically mean what it actually does in this instance, but rather ‘faith’ or ‘love’ of god.

Now I don’t know about you, but I interpret that as being sly and deceitful; something I feel should be more a characteristic of a politician or an executive for a multi-national corporation, and I really do not appreciate that kind of attitude or behaviour shown towards the youth of our nation. Particularly if young people are then going to go out into the world and spout this kind of sophistry and rhetoric. Not only can, and does it affect their reasoning skills, but also teaches them to not only be less rational, but they’ll likely be more prone to being gullible and naïve. And obviously this all feeds back into what I was saying earlier about the impact that religion has on society, and how it draws the lost and spiritually deprived, into its spider-like web of fabricated lies and manufactured gospels; a prison for the human mind and soul. But even in the face of all this deceit and wickedness, I pressed on still, seeking desperately a god (who at the time, I had no idea) who funnily enough, never seemed to learn from his own mistakes, in the form of the Old Testament.

I honestly gave it my all; even in the face of my peers who would supposedly ‘feel’ the presence of god or the holy spirit, only to find that I seemed to be the only one not lucky enough to experience the same encounters. It frustrated me, and I eventually succumbed to thinking that I was just not doing it right, and feeling spiritually immature and underdeveloped. But a part of me didn’t want to give in to that, as I knew in my heart that that just couldn’t be true, because I was instrumental (even literally) when it came to giving praise and worship to the god I thought I was serving. And I understood whole-heartedly what the bible said about ‘being in this world, but not of it’ because I’ve only felt that way for the greatest part of my life; as I’ve always been sensitive to the energies of corruption and injustice in this world. So no, I don’t believe that this particular statement in any way, shape or form applies only to those who understand or practice faith in the Christian god. I was always up at the front singing my heart out, raising my hands, and reaching out to god in desperation of catching even just a glimpse of his glory. At times I even felt inspired to speak out in the name of god, even going so far as actively witnessing/preaching the word of god to strangers on the streets of Logan Central, Queensland, Australia – which is not something for the faint-hearted, or anyone with even just a sliver of doubt in their faith in god, as some people can get quite hostile towards you; especially if they were intoxicated, as it was something we would generally do it at night.

These experiences or encounters that I seemed to be missing out on included things like laughing uncontrollably, speaking in made-up, improvised languages and telling abstract stories that they had supposedly experienced through dreams or visions, with the purpose of reinforcing each other’s faith in the deity that primarily represents all of western orthodoxy. Something else that didn’t seem to add up was the growing number of new people (especially people who I know don’t even practice their faith anymore) who would come and go through the church, who also managed to reach this same level of spiritual prowess that I still couldn’t seem to achieve; regardless of all the effort, passion and energy I poured into my pursuit of god, which is something I typically do with whatever it is I’m participating in. My intentions were pure also, until it got to the point where I craved this strange mystic power. Now I know this is probably where a lot of Christians will be thinking: “Well that’s where you went wrong”, to which I will say: “You have no idea how hard I fought against what felt like the very fabric of my being”, as even Paul himself explicitly expressed in the New Testament! So you really should understand, as you of all people should know that the path towards righteousness is no easy feat; that is unless you were raised within a religious family, it seems. But despite this, I soldiered on, continuing to fight against my own spirit; even changing churches at one point, just to see if a change of scenery would help, but to no avail. Eventually it was rationality that woke me up, and I was finally freed from the prison that I been enslaved within by my own doing. But that wasn’t the end, as I was left feeling lost, numb and inadequate; like there was something wrong with me, having been subjected and conditioned to the feelings of abandonment and infidelity that had gradually developed over the years, trying to appease a god who seemed to never be satisfied with whatever it was I offered him.

But now, I’d like to thank and congratulate you on making it this far. Hopefully you enjoyed it, more than I did writing it, as at times it was very hard to think about; coming up with the epiphany or ‘revelation’ that partly felt like something I had uncovered, but also something that just seemed to come to me through the ether – inspiration and encouragement given to me, merely through the endless discussions and whilst lying bed with nothing but insomnia as my company. Most of my best work, it seems is done during the night and into the early hours of the morning.