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whenmemorydies · 6 months ago

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Carmen, Natalie, and the Berzattos

CW: this post talks about domestic violence, addiction, mental health, racialised trauma, toxic masculinity and intergenerational trauma (this show deals with so much friends!).

Go gently with yourself if you choose to continue to read. Also its a long one (longer than my usual!) so fair warning if you're diving in: maybe put the kettle on.

Following on from The Claw, The Scrunchie and The Prayer Card metas (Part 1 and Part 2), I've been thinking more about The Berzattos (represented via Natalie's hair claw in Carmy's apartment) and their presence (seen and unseen) in season 3 of The Bear.

@espumado's fantastic meta on The Night of the Hunter and its use in The Bear, particularly as it relates to Natalie and the struggle she goes through in season 3 has informed a lot of this post. My reblog of that post also contains a lot of thinking that I had started to scratch at but haven't been able to expand upon until now. Also check out @currymanganese's brilliant analysis of The Night of the Hunter in the context of romantic relationships in The Bear.

Another source of information I've used in the research for this meta is this fantastic interview in the LA Times with the cast involved in 2x06 Fishes (thanks @brokenwinebox for sharing it!). Also thank you to @thoughtfulchaos773, @brokenwinebox and @devisrina for the chat about the above interview and discussions about Donna Berzatto's relationship with her son, Carmy.

Finally @vacationship's most excellent breakdown of the roles taken up by characters in The Bear according to Adult Children of Alcoholics ('ACA') roles defined by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruise and communicator types as developed by Virginia Satir has also informed this post.

The Berzattos

Okay so, given what we know about Carmy and about the Berzattos, it would seem obvious that, yes, his birth family is going to impact Carmy. I think its probably so obvious, that a lot of the fandom, myself included, have taken Carmy's relationship with his family for granted this season. To be fair, we were also getting Claire and the Faks shoved down our throats so some things flew under the radar including, in my view, the Berzattos.

What got me thinking about the Berzattos as a source of anguish for Carmy was a rewatch of 3x03 Doors - specifically Carmy's panic attack during that episode.

The first panic attack of season 3

At this late point in the episode, we've been watching Carmy and the crew's slowly escalating struggle with the demands of fine dining, when we arrive at Carmy running expo and calling for hands. His voice is hoarse and it sounds like he's been screaming for some time. His vision starts to blur and as he continues to call out for hands, we see glimpses of what appear to be intrusive thoughts, interrupting Carmy's work and triggering a panic attack. The sequence of shots that appear during this panic attack is below:

I note that Carm appears to be trying to come out of the panic attack by remembering his time at The French Laundry and Noma - much like memories of immaculately plated food helped him regulate during his panic attack in 1x08 Braciole and memories of Sydney helped him to regulate during his panic attack in 2x09 Omelette.

The final thought Carm has during this panic attack - indeed the thought he has when it appears that his panic attack is reaching its peak - is of his sister Natalie, in a church praying:

Note: I'm working on the assumption that the above memory of Natalie takes place at Marcus' mother's funeral. This is based on the clothes Natalie is wearing and how her hair is styled.

Its at this moment in his panic attack that you can see the crest in Carmy's emotions. The orchestral score during this sequence also builds to its climax at this point. Carmy's face screws into a tight grimace and he practically spits out the word, Fuck. Its only then that the music cuts away and we hear Sydney's voice bringing Carmy back to the present:

The fact that thinking about Natalie (praying while she carries the next generation of the Berzatto family) is what causes Carmy's panic attack to peak is what got me thinking more seriously about the impact of his birth family on Carm. ( This is something that others including @mitocamdria and @moodyeucalyptus have also picked up on here and here - the Bear hive mind at work!)

Below is my attempt to map these impacts out, from the perspective of intergenerational trauma, which can be described as,

"the apparent transmission of trauma between generations of a family. People who experience adverse childhood experiences growing up, or who have survived historical disasters or traumas, may pass the effects of those traumas on to their children or grandchildren, through their genes, their behaviour, or both, leaving the next generational susceptible to anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, and other emotional and mental health concerns."

I'd argue that intergenerational trauma can continue well beyond a person's grandchildren, particularly in cases where the systemic factors may have caused a trauma (for example: racial segregation, colonialism), continue to impact on multiple generations of a family.

So lets start by looking at Carmy's mother, Donna Berzatto...

Donna's trauma

I preface the below analysis with the caveat that we are not told what mental health diagnoses (if any) Donna Berzatto has (though she is clearly struggling with her mental health when we first meet her in 2x06 Fishes). The inferences I make below are based on what we have been told in the show about trauma that Donna has experienced.

Recall 3x08 Ice Chips where Donna and Natalie are talking in between bouts of Natalie's contractions. At one point in the episode, Natalie says:

I don't remember your mom.

To which, Donna sadly responds:

You don't want to.

Donna then becomes silently tearful remembering her mother.

Its clear from this very brief exchange that Donna has experienced some level of abuse at the hands of her own mother: Michael, Natalie and Carmy's maternal grandmother. That abuse has no doubt impacted on Donna's ability to parent her own children and likely influenced how she parented them as well.

As a mother myself, I've found that one of the hardest things about parenting has been avoiding the repetition of harmful behaviours that I've picked up through my own childhood. For all of us, the first - and often most memorable - models we have for how to parent have been the experiences we've had with our own primary caregivers (whether they were our birth parents or other adults in our lives). If those models were abusive or violent, we have to work that much harder to make sure we don't fall back on those examples when raising our own children. (And let me tell you, in the heat of the moment when your child is cracking a tanty in the grocery store, it takes A LOT to not revert to learned behaviours and instead take a step back and act from a rational place of calm lol).

For many folks who've had abusive childhoods, raising your own children can also be a very triggering journey. This article goes into a bit of why this is the case. If you've not been able to do any work on yourself or receive help to work through your own childhood abuse, you risk "blowing your trauma through" your children (I've borrowed the phrase "blowing trauma through" from African-American therapist and trauma specialist, Dr Resmaa Menakem, whose fantastic book My Grandmother's Hands has also influenced this post and a lot of my thinking about racial and intergenerational trauma). Given Donna's own history of abuse with her mother, its not a big leap to assume that she has "blown her trauma through" Michael, Natalie and Carmy with each of her children experiencing this in different ways.

There's also Donna's clear mom rage, no doubt built up over years as a single parent, and epitomised in the line from 2x06 (that broke my heart when I heard it because it resonated so much),

I make things beautiful for them, and no one makes things beautiful for me.

Based on the show's lore, up until 3x08 it wasn't evident that Donna had ever taken any steps to try and work through her own mental health issues and trauma. Once we get to 3x08 though, when Natalie says that she didn't tell Donna about her pregnancy because,

I just didn't want all the stuff you bring with you.

Donna replies by saying:

Yeah. I've been trying to put that stuff away.

Natalie then asks her mother how that process is going and Donna responds,

Its not easy.

Natalie then tells her mother that she's glad Donna is trying and Donna says she's glad that she's trying too.

Its not much, but the above exchange points to a slight shift in Donna's approach to her own trauma and to her parenting. This shift appears to have put Donna and Natalie's relationship on firmer footing than it has been in the past. Whether it will be enough for Carmy's relationship with his mother is another question and one I'm sure we'll see play out in season 4.

The Berzattos and Italian American racialised trauma

Other than the above exchange in 3x08 Ice Chips, we have no information about Donna's parents. I assume that Donna was born in America given her description of the Feast of the Seven Fishes (also known as La Vigilia) as described to Richie in 2x06 Fishes. During her description, Donna speaks about the Italian immigrants who brought "their seven best things" with them as if she's speaking about ancestors, not her own generation.

She does not use the first person here:

[I]ts based on people who left Italy to find new dreams and homes with new people. And they brought their seven best things from their sea to their new homes. And not so their families end up being a bunch of fuckin' jagoffs. (lmao)

Then Class A Jagoff, Uncle Lee storms into the kitchen and tells Donna that her retelling of the Seven Fishes legend is "not even close" and refers to all the sevens that occur in the Bible. Which is likely a closer explanation for the feast (see this overview on La Vigilia published on the Italian Sons and Daughters of America website). Notably, it was southern Italian and Sicilian immigrants that popularised the Feast of the Seven Fishes in America.

Given the above, it doesn't seem to me that Donna is a first generation Italian immigrant. Depending on the Berzatto family history, its possible that Donna is the daughter of Italian immigrants or the granddaughter of them. Her Italian ancestry could stretch even further back in time. At this point in The Bear, we don't know.

What we should note is that Italian immigrants and in particular, southern Italian and Sicilian immigrants to America, endured a history of racism in that country before their acceptance into the category of "white" in America.

Image source: How Italians Became 'White', The New York Times

This NY Times article provides an overview of the racialisation of Italians in America over time. The article notes that,

"[d]arker skinned southern Italians endured the penalties of blackness on both sides of the Atlantic. In Italy, Northerners had long held that Southerners - particularly Sicilians - were an 'uncivilized' and racially inferior people, [considered] too obviously African to be part of Europe."

This racism of northern Italians towards those from the south of the country was no doubt tied to Italy’s own racist and violent colonial history, including its involvement in Europe's rabid "Scramble for Africa". In the course of its time as a colonial power, Italy came to brutally invade and occupy Eritrea, Somalia, Libya and Ethopia.

Note: I don't think its a coincidence that, Ebraheim, Somalian "grill master", medic and veteran of the American military intervention in Somalia, found himself working at an Italian American beef sandwich shop. Much in the same way that its no surprise that many folks in my Tamil family ended up in the heart of the British Empire - the UK - after fleeing civil unrest and genocide in one of its former colonies (Sri Lanka). As Tamil writer A.S. Sivanandan is famously quoted as saying about post-colonial migration: "we are here, because you were there."

Once they first arrived in America in the 19th century, racism against Southern Italians continued:

"They were sometimes shut out of schools, movie houses and labor unions, or consigned to church pews set aside for black people. They were described in the press as 'swarthy', 'kinky haired' members of a criminal race and derided in the streets with epithets [that were more commonly] applied to enslaved Africans and their descendants[.]"

Though while Italian Americans experienced the severe racial prejudice described above, particularly during their early history in America, some were still able to benefit from their European ancestry in ways that people with non-European backgrounds were unable to. This included: being able to apply for US citizenship, being able to marry, own property, and choose where to live - things that BIPOC people often faced great barriers (if not outright bans) to accessing.

Notably, in Chicago where the Berzattos are based, the history of Italian racialisation differed to other major cities in America. In Italian Immigrants, Whiteness and Race: A Regional Perspective (p. 6) Italian historian Stefano Luconi notes that,

[I]n Chicago, Italian Americans competed primarily with Polish immigrants, who generally turned out to be less hostile to them than Irish Americans in New York City or Boston, and overall their accommodation within the adoptive society was easier than elsewhere.

Given the above, the Berzattos' connection with Polish "family members" Uncle Jimmy Kalinowski, Uncle Lee Lane, and Cousin Richie Jerimovich appears rooted in a long history of Polish-Italian relations in Chicago.

Note: Ancestry.com tells me Kalinowski is a Polish and Jewish last name. Uncle Lee identifies as "Polski" in 2x06 Fishes and in the draft script for 2x06 is listed as Uncle Jimmy's brother. While Richie's ethnicity isn't explicitly stated in The Bear, in 3x04 Violet, he refers to his daughter Eva as żabka which is Polish for "small frog" and is also used as a term of endearment for girls or women.

Eventually Italian Americans were assimilated into the racial category of "white" both legally and in the popular imagination of the country. This happened in a few ways including via Italian Americans claiming whiteness for themselves, particularly in active opposition to Black, African American communities. This is despite their historic racialisation in comparison to Black, African-descent people (which, in a better world, could have been the basis for shared and sustained solidarity between the two communities). Luconi observes that,

"in Brazos County, Texas, Italian Americans learned to claim whiteness for self-protection, which involved showing off hostility toward African Americans in the mid-1890s [...] By the same token, after realizing the social benefits of being characterized by a white identity, Italian Americans in Baltimore embraced the racist premises of the local political leadership in the early twentieth century and joined two campaigns that unsuccessfully aimed at disenfranchising African Americans in 1905 and 1909 by amending the state constitution." from: Italian Immigrants, Whiteness and Race: A Regional Perspective (p. 15)

The above NY Times article states that in 1892, the lynching of 11 Italian immigrants who were accused of killing a police chief in New Orleans resulted in Italy breaking diplomatic relations with America. As a result of this and to prevent unrest in the Italian American community, US President Benjamin Harrison proclaimed 12 October as "Columbus Day" and encouraged Americans to celebrate the contribution of the Italian Christopher Columbus to the creation of America.

Apparently, this sleight of hand (a legerdemain because it: (a) magically erased generations upon generations of First Nations who have existed in the Americas long before Columbus' arrival (and who continue to do so), and (b) because it vanished the explorer's penchant for rape and enslavement of the First Nations' people that he did encounter) was enough to reinstate diplomatic relations between America and Italy as well as carve out a place for Italian Americans in the white, American imaginary.

Indeed, despite recent calls to stop the celebration of Columbus Day led by First Nations people across America, it is Italian American organisations (including the Italian Sons and Daughters of America) and prominent Italian Americans that are some of those voices leading campaigns to keep Columbus Day as it is, reductively and disingenuously dismissing its critics as attacking Italian-American heritage.

Note: the above views are obviously not shared by all Italian Americans. See below protest staged by Italian Americans in the Berzattos' hometown of Chicago, in opposition to the city's Columbus Day Parade (Source: Fox 32 Chicago):

One of my heroes, Toni Morrison, once said of American national identity,

"In this country, American means white. Everybody else has to hyphenate."

White supremacy operates amongst racialised communities through divide and rule, with these communities pitted against one another, trying to achieve as close a proximity to whiteness as possible. In the US context, that proximity brings those communities closer to what is perceived as "American". The above examples show how some Italian American communities in America shifted the racial categorisation of their community to "white" over time by fighting for that proximity. I would argue that that shift came at a great cost, as all racism does: a cost to the BIPOC communities that were fucked over in the process and a cost to the souls of those now "white" Italian Americans who participated in divide and rule to get closer to a white supremacist position of power. Dr Resmaa Menakem would refer to those costs as traumas for both BIPOC communities and (now) white, Italian American communities.

In My Grandmother's Hands, Dr Menakem discusses the impact of racialised trauma on white people. Specifically, that white supremacy - or as Dr Menakem refers to it, "white body supremacy" - is itself a trauma response. I won't get into the details of this framework (and make this post longer than it already is lol) except to say its fascinating and I'd encourage you to read My Grandmother's Hands to find out more. Its relevance here is to illustrate that on top of our individual, personal traumas, we each carry with us racialised trauma. I make the point of articulating this because while The Bear alludes to race (sometimes masterfully as in this scene where Donna tries to play divide and rule in her own way), it often does so obliquely in ways that are not always obvious to viewers (for example, see director Ramy Youssef's discussion in Variety about the bike crash scene in 2x04 Honeydew). But make no mistake, race permeates this show.

For example, I think about Uncle Lee’s jab at Mikey in 2x06 about the latter living with his mom, and compare this to Marcus living with his mother throughout seasons 1-2 or Sydney living with her father in seasons 1-3. I think about how in many communities of colour, multi-generational living isn’t seen as shameful because the focus is not just on financial dependence but on relationships and care. Certainly, an adult child might not be financially independent but if they are caring for their parent, this is something to be valued.

I think about how the move to individualism (championed by Uncle Lee) away from family and community (features that Italian culture is historically very well known for) is a shift that, for many Italian Americans, may be viewed as a cost incurred as a result of an allegiance to white supremacy.

I think also about the words of Tema Okun, who wrote about how white supremacy shows up in organisational and professional settings in her 1999 article "White Supremacy Culture" and how in that work, Okun noted particular identifying characteristics of organisational, white supremacist culture, including (but not limited to):

individualism;

perfectionism;

either/or & binary thinking; and

a sense of urgency.

Sound familiar? I thought they might. These are traits that Carmy has exhibited in almost every episode of season 3 (and periodically in seasons 1-2). Notably, these are traits that are also valorised in the world of fine dining, as we see it through Carmy's eyes throughout season 3 (in flashbacks and in how he chooses to run The Bear). And we all know how well this shit is going for our man (lol).

I'll get into this more in an upcoming meta (again, this is me manifesting in a bid to force myself to finish writing the thing lol), but I just wanted to point out how both in terms of his racialisation and his professional career, Carmy is immersed in white supremacy - whether he wants to be or not - benefiting from its privileges while also being witness and therefore, subject, to its horrors. No one escapes this shit, not even those who've been welcomed into the fold at the top of the hierarchy.

All of this - the racialised history and trauma associated with the Italian American community as well as the clear whiteness that marks the fine dining industry - makes Carmy's character that much more fascinating to me. Here is a character with seemingly no personal prejudices towards BIPOC folks. He loves the BIPOC folks in his life quite dearly (in particular, Marcus who he treats as a brother, and of course Sydney, in whom he's found a soulmate). I think this is likely due in large part to the role Carmy's siblings (Mikey and Natalie) played in raising him. These two characters also appear to care deeply for the BIPOC people in their lives without much of the prejudice that many who have been racialised and socialised in their community might harbour. And in their roles as surrogate parents for Carmy, they appear to have modelled that healthy and normal (because we must remember, what is abnormal is racism) respect for their fellow humans. They're not perfect in this (recall 2x06 and Mikey's bombastic objectification of Claire) but we do see repeated glimpses of their goodness throughout the show (recall 3x06 and Mikey's kindness to Tina, or the pantry scene in 2x06 and the gentleness he displays towards Carmy there). This is in contrast to their mother, Donna, who clearly has done no work to prevent blowing her own racialised trauma and prejudice through the bodies of her kids.

Also while the racialisation of The Bear's BIPOC characters is readily apparent (because the white supremacist culture of the West is more attuned to looking at non-white people and automatically seeing race), its white characters are also racialised and have racialised histories. The above was my attempt at stepping out a bit of the racialisation of The Berzattos, of Carmy, and of the racialised trauma that they also carry with them.

Phew.

Okay, now back to the Berzattos...

Carmy's birth

Recall 3x08 Ice Chips and Donna telling Natalie the stories of each of her children's births. By far, the birth that appears to cause Donna the most rage, the most pain, is Carmy's. It also happens to be the only birth out of her three children that her (by all accounts) deadbeat husband is present for. Donna describes fighting with her husband during the entirety of her labour with Carmy and that the hospital was fucked because it seemed like everyone went into labour at the same time. She then tells Natalie that Carmy took a long time to arrive:

Note: Its not lost on me that Carmy's obsession with speed, rushing and sense of urgency was almost definitely drilled into him from birth, given the rage with which Donna describes his "slowness" in being born.

Donna then goes onto express how frightened she was and the further difficulties involved in Carmy’s delivery:

It was so hard and so scary because he kept getting stuck, and they just kept having to move me, and I remember they were moving me in all these positions. And then at one point, I think they had me fucking upside down or something.

And then, so brutally it becomes darkly funny (I've pushed a kid out too: it can be so painful, if you don't laugh, you'll sob hysterically lol), Donna describes Carmy's birth as just all around fucked:

The whole thing was fucked:

No seriously, very fucked:

So Carmy entered the world and the experience of his delivery was fucked nine ways to Sunday for his mother. A very difficult beginning to this life for a baby, to say the least. I would go so far as to say, given the way Donna is recounting Carmy's birth, that she experienced birth trauma, and possibly developed birth-related post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Contrast this with how Donna describes Michael's and Natalie's births:

Despite Michael also having difficulty being born (Donna recalls that it seemed like "he wanted to stay" in the safety of her womb), Donna says that she felt really good, great and strong during her labour with him and that his birth was even described by a doctor as an "amazing" one.

Donna describes Natalie's birth as "beautiful" with Natalie arriving after Donna had had a restful sleep and a vivid, prophetic dream. Donna then goes onto tell Natalie that she was delivered in the presence of a "sweet" girlfriend (Cicero's first wife, Gail) who sat with Donna during labour and who played "Baby, I Love you" for Donna as Natalie arrived.

The differences in how Donna recalls Mikey, Nat and Carmy's births and Donna's propensity in the past for holding her children's "mistakes" over their heads (recall 2x06 Fishes and the story of how Natalie got the nickname "Sugar"), make me think that she was likely to have rubbed Carmy's difficult birth in his face when he was younger. I think that Donna was also likely to have either intentionally or unintentionally (or perhaps both, depending on the circumstance) made Carmy feel less than his older siblings, maybe not as wanted. We have some evidence pointing to this happening in Carmy's past, peppered throughout the show.

Growing up in the Berzatto house:

As a child Carmy had a stutter, which causes speech to inherently slow (as it takes longer to form words and sentences). He was also scared to speak. Now a stutter in and of itself would not make the person speaking scared. Its other people's reactions to a stutter that would do that. Given Donna's vitriol at how slow Carmy's birth was, and her obsession with time (anyone fancy a kitchen timer? this lady's got 700 of them), its not a stretch to imagine that any delay in Carmy articulating himself as a child would have been met with ridicule or rage from his mother.

We know that all the Berzatto children grew up scared of their mother, a survivor of abuse herself, and an addict who drank to excess with clear mental health issues that it didn’t appear she was seeking treatment for. Recall Natalie's disclosure to Donna in 3x08 Ice Chips:

Carmy also grew up embedded in a particularly toxic type of white, heterosexual masculinity embodied by his brother Mikey and "cousin" Richie (who undoubtedly had it blown through their bodies by family, friends and the white supremacist, homophobic culture we are swimming in, in the West). I've previously discussed this in my meta on the use of 90s alternative rock in The Bear and more recently, in this reblog of @mitocamdria's meta Sublimation and Intellectual Orgasms.

Carmy gets called "a weird little dude" for knowing how to mix a drink in 2x06. He gets called a "gayrod" for owning the Noma cookbook in 1x01. He gets called a "soft shitty bitch" for calling Pete instead of Natalie in 1x05. He gets called a "mopey little fuck" in 2x06 for questioning Mikey and Richie right before they accost him with a veritable wall of gross dudebro, horndog descriptions of Claire (a girl they know and are friends with - again, fucking gross). Carmy hears his mother describe Steve as "gay" for being "arty" in 2x06 (recall that Carmy is also "arty" in that he can draw and likes fashion). If you weren't performing alpha-male dominance like Mikey, Richie, Uncle Lee or even Uncle Jimmy, the Berzatto household was a rough place to be. Truth is though, that all of those white, alpha-males have their own demons, and in the case of Mikey, those demons drove him to take his own life. The truth is that, like white supremacy, no one escapes toxic masculinity unscathed either.

We know Carmy suffered from low self-confidence as a child which might have led him to feeling aimless. He tells us in 1x08 Braciole that he got shitty grades because he couldn't pay attention in school, he didn't get into college, didn't have any girlfriends or many friends for that matter. Carmy also tells us in that same monologue that he wasn't "built" in the same way as his brother, who could walk into a room and take its temperature right away, who was loud, hilarious and magnetic.

I think about how for someone like Carmy, Mikey would have cast a long shadow. I think about how hard it would have been to have lived under that shadow while trying to figure yourself out.

It wasn't until working in fine dining that Carmy found his purpose. He says in 1x08,

For the first time in my life, I started to find this station for myself.

This must have been intoxicating and affirming for Carmy. Yet I think about how, after all that, he could return home having achieved accolades and fanfare in his career, try his best in the chaos of a Berzatto family Christmas to diffuse the powder keg that is Donna, and still be called "Michael" by his mother, his very existence in that moment, feeling like a puff of smoke.

We also know that Carmy's eldest siblings ended up being like surrogate parents for him. Mikey almost certainly was a father figure given the absence of his biological father in Carmy's life. Its not a stretch to imagine Natalie as taking on the role of a surrogate mother, given Donna's abuse and how Natalie looks out for almost everyone throughout seasons 1-3 of The Bear. In this video, Jeremy Allen White also talks about the tattoo Carmy has of two angels with a sun in between them as representing his brother and his sister, further confirming the roles of his "guardian angel" siblings.

I think about Natalie, parentified big sister that she is, sneaking a wad of cash into Carmy’s pocket as he leaves her and Chicago for New York in 3x01. I think about her calling him “honey” in that same episode as she affirms that she knows how good he is at being a chef - “honey” being a term of endearment commonly used in family settings but between parents and their children, not as commonly heard between siblings.

I also think about Mikey being born the eldest, the first and only (for a time) to have to deal with his mother's trauma and expectations. I think about how he took on the work of looking after his mother and his siblings when his father left the Berzatto home. I think about how Mikey is described by the actor who plays him, as a "dreamer who's not allowed to dream. He has to take care of everybody."

Loose ends

Another set of incidents haunting spread throughout season 3 also raised concerns for me, in that they remain unresolved and point to a resolution or confrontation for Carmy and the Berzattos in season 4. I named them in my reblog of @espumado's post on The Night of the Hunter. For ease of reference, I'll bullet point them here:

Carmy finds a box labelled "DD" (his mother, Donna's nickname) at The Bear at the end of 3x05 and looks through it. He appears frozen as he finds a baby photo of his mother holding a baby I assume is him. The episode ends at this moment and neither the box or Carmy's reaction are revisited for the remainder of season 3

Cicero tells Carmy during 3x09 that Donna wants Carmy to call her back about "the baby" (one assumes this is a reference to Natalie's baby) and that Carmy has been "fucking avoiding it" (one assumes again that the "it" here is the baby...but maybe its also just the act of calling Donna back)

But then Carmy says something strange:

Yeah. Hoping it would just go away.

Surely, Carmy's not talking about a baby. Babies can't just go away. And I don't think Carmy is so malicious that he'd wish his sister's child to disappear. I also don't think Carmy would refer to his mother as "it" (he's never done so up to this point on the show, as monstrous as she can be).

And in case you were wondering, Cicero's response to Carmy also doesn't sound like it applies to a baby or Donna (lol):

[Y]ou run right the fuck into it.

Intergenerational trauma and legacy

So what is the "it" that Carmy wants to go away? What is the "it" that Uncle Jimmy tells him to face by running "right the fuck into it"? My suspicion is that this is Carmy's baggage. The baggage that comes with being born a Berzatto and being born to Donna. All the stuff that we've been talking about here. Its also the baggage that both Nat and his mother have been trying to "put away":

Above from 3x02 Next: Natalie in conversation with Carmy. "Its not great 8am stuff."

Above from 3x08 Ice Chips: Donna in conversation with Natalie.

Carmy is trying to do this too: put away his baggage, while having been the "Lost Child" (referring to ACA roles and the recording about them that Natalie was listening to at the end of 3x07 Legacy) and the youngest child in his family for so long but now having to be the "Hero". @vacationship's post on ACA roles as they relate to The Bear gives a great breakdown on what the "lost child" and "hero" roles mean.

In the LA Times interview mentioned above, Jeremy Allen White says,

I don't think Carm's ever been outside of himself enough to really take in another person in their entirety, sadly. I think that's Carmen's real struggle.

As the youngest child of the Berzattos, Carmy has never had to step outside of himself to the extent that Mikey, Natalie or even Donna have had to. He has never had to care for anyone other than himself, until he inherits The Beef. And that responsibility is a HUGE one.

But Carmy jumps into that role, initially fuelled by the desire to retroactively fix his relationship with Mikey and fix "the family". Recall again his monologue in 1x08 Braciole:

[I]ts very clear to me trying to fix the restaurant, was me trying to fix whatever was happening with my brother. And I don't know, maybe fix the whole family because that restaurant, it has and it does mean a lot to people. It means a lot to me.

For the longest time, I interpreted "the family" that Carmy refers to here as his chosen family: the crew at The Beef. I think that while that was true, it wasn't the whole picture. I think Carmy was actually being more expansive in his definition of family to include his entire family: chosen and birth.

So while Carmy is obviously trying to make The Bear a success for Sydney ("Syd, we're going to get a star") and for Marcus ("Take us there Bear", "Yes, Chef"), as well as for the rest of the chosen family he first found at The Beef, Carmy is also trying to fix the restaurant for the Berzattos. Specifically, Carmy is trying to do what his father and brother couldn't do in keeping The Beef/The Bear going. He is trying to embody the Hero ACA role, vacated by Mikey with the latter's passing, even though his sister told him from the start, in 1x01:

No one's asking you to.

What I think I took for granted this season was just how much Carmy's desire to repair the legacy of the father figures in his life (as represented by the restaurant) was brought to an urgent and frenetic head for him in the late stages of Natalie's pregnancy. Upon rewatch of 3x09 Apologies, I picked up on some interesting script choices and imagery that I think have been chosen purposefully to relay to us that this is the case and that the impending birth of his niece is indeed, weighing on Carmy.

Now, at the start of 3x09, Carmy may or may not know Natalie has just had her baby. I assume he does. After Marcus watches that clip about magic, followed by unnecessary Fak, Claire and dumpster content (lol) and then Sydney practising how she's going to break Shapiro's offer to Carmy, we cut to the kitchen of The Bear and we hear Carmy calling out orders while running expo. He's yelling again. His voice is hoarse like it was in 3x03 during his panic attack. We see Carmy's intrusive thoughts at a rapid clip intercut with close ups of his, Sydney's and Richie's faces. We also hear Carmy repeatedly yelling at the staff to push:

Please give me the fucking agnolotti. Push.

Lets fucking push, please. Lets fucking go.

Push, please.

Push, chefs! Please! The cook is fucked. Refire, please.

Push.

From a quick google, "push" is used in restaurant settings but not in the way Carmy's doing here. I've seen it used to mean "sell" an item (as in getting a server to "push" a particular dish to diners so they order it) as well as to describe a busy period during service (as in the restaurant is in the middle of a "push").

In 3x09, Carmy is yelling “push” like a midwife at his sister's side while she pushes out her child, the next generation of Berzattos, into the world. But instead of his niece, Carmy is trying to deliver one more in a litany of dinner services at The Bear.

Note: you can clearly see here that the jagged lines that have appeared since season 1 when Carmy is having intrusive thoughts are actually made up of what look to be hundreds of claw marks. I've noted in a previous reblog of one of @thoughtfulchaos773's posts (that I can't find atm sorry) that this evokes Carmy (the Bear) trying to claw his way out of a mental spiral and back to equilibrium. @currymanganese also noted that the lines themselves look like a neural network, driving the point about Carmy's mental state home.

And then directly after the above "push" scene, we see copious amounts of water ejected over the The Bear's kitchen island, washing away flesh coloured food and sauce that looks like blood splatter:

Having rewatched 3x09 through the lens of intergenerational trauma, with the spectre of Natalie's labour, Carmy's apparent resistance to seeing Natalie or her baby, and having just heard his hoarse voice screaming push, push, push...to me this water started looking a whole lot like birth waters breaking, and amniotic fluid flooding The Bear:

Note: Rest assured, amniotic fluid doesn't contain all those suds.

@espumado pointed out in their The Night of the Hunter meta that the song playing during the above "push" and "broken waters" scenes of 3x09 is a song by Trent Reznor and Atticus Finch from a war documentary. The song is "The Forever Rain" from the documentary series The Vietnam War by Ken Burns and Lynn Novick. I'm sure its no coincidence that a song from a documentary about the Vietnam War - a war whose veterans were the first to be assessed for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) - is being used in a scene acting as an allegory for childbirth, given what we know about how traumatic Carmy's birth was for his mother, and inevitably, for him as an infant.

So why is Carmy so preoccupied with Natalie's pregnancy and the birth of his niece?

I think this all ties back to what Carmy told us in 1x08: that he wants to fix the restaurant (and in the context of season 3, this means making The Bear a success) and that in doing so, fix his family.

Note: which is also why I think we are shown that magic clip that Marcus is watching at the beginning of 3x09 with this bit of dialogue from it: "What makes magic different is that its inherently honest. You tell someone you're gonna deceive them before you deceive them. In some way, that makes it more difficult." We were told in 1x08 what the restaurant means to Carmy and his reasons for fixing it, but Storer and co have spent all of season 3 distracting us with Claire and Fak-shaped sleights of hand getting us looking elsewhere to understand Carmy's behaviour. By 3x10, Carmy's motives haven't changed. He's doing this for his family. All of his family.

Specifically in the context of Nat's pregnancy, Carmy wants to ensure that The Bear is a success for the next generation of Berzatto children, for his niece. And if Carmy is being haunted by a need to fix his family's legacy, particularly given the impending arrival of Natalie's baby - the youngest Berzatto after him - then his desperate, rageful plea to Syd after she brings him back from his panic attack in 3x03 Doors, is even more distressing:

They're going too fucking slow!

What Carmy means is:

I'm going too slow and this restaurant is going to fail because of it. And this baby is going to inherit my failure, just like I inherited Mikey's and just like he inherited our father's.

Remember: Natalie is a part owner of The Bear and so any financial failure of the restaurant will be felt by her and her family just as it would be felt by Carm.

What Carmy needs to realise is that while a brick and mortar institution may fail, what remains are the relationships, the people that he has met because of it (shout out to Chef Terry and her speech in 3x10 Forever, also shout out to Mikey and his chat with Tina in 3x06 Napkins). And if there are people - if there are relationships - there's always the chance to build another future together, again.

Conclusion (yep, I'm almost done)

I think about how whether he likes it or not, Carmy was able to pursue his passion in cooking because of his family’s racial (and class) privilege, particularly as a member of a community that was invited to join in the spoils of white supremacy. This privilege was most clearly embodied by the fact that the Berzattos had the means to own The Beef and the culinary opportunities for Carmy that flowed from that work and experience (contrast this with Sydney, Marcus and Tina's experiences in entering this field, which I've discussed here and which @freedelusionshere discusses here).

I think about how Carmy subverted and used that privilege to bring along the original crew of The Beef with him to The Bear, lifting up his largely BIPOC employees. And then I think about how he ran roughshod over them in order to try and meet the insane expectations he'd set for himself (in large part, as a result of his family's history).

I think about the safety net that Carmy had with Natalie and Mikey who were there to take care of The Beef, their family and their unwell mother, giving Carmy the room to find himself professionally. I think about Mikey leaving behind a restaurant for Carmy but also leaving behind an entire family for him too.

I think about Carmy not realising that while The Beef was a burden in some ways, it was a blessing in so many others.

I think about the clear intergenerational trauma that Carmy is contending with while trying to balance so many perceived, competing demands.

I also think about Donna's dream, the night she went into labour with Natalie:

In this nothing dream, I mean nothing dream. And it wasn't Chicago, and it wasn't New York. It was some sort of hybrid city, you know? And there was a fish tank. Big fish tank in the middle of the city. It was this giant fish tank, and I was the only one looking at it.

[...]

And I remember the colours were, they were so sharp and vivid and neon, you know, and I was the only one looking at it.

[...]

I was just staring at it for the longest time. And all of a sudden, I noticed that the glass started to come apart like it was gonna split. But I wasn't worried, you know? It wasn't bad, because I knew that more people were gonna get to see these beautiful fish.

And then I woke up, and I was sweating, and my water had broke.

When Donna had her children, she had no idea that she would lose her eldest child to suicide. She likely had no idea how far she was going to push her daughter away from her due to her abuse, and she most certainly did not know that her youngest would cease contact with her for years while becoming a renowned chef. None of us parents know for certain how things are going to turn out for our children, or for our relationships with them.

We can only hope, and do our best: do our best to break harmful cycles while trying to nurture children who will leave the world a better place than it was when when they arrived. And if our kids manage to do this not because of us but in spite of us, in spite of our slip ups and mistakes, in spite of our baggage, then honestly, we should be even prouder of them. Because it meant they were able to integrate our trauma, our histories, and their trauma, and their histories, all of it, and make something beautiful, something better.

And I think I can see why Donna wasn't worried when the fish tank started to crack. I get why she was so happy that more people were going to get to see her beautiful children and the world they were going to create, in spite of everything and because of everything.

As usual, tagging folks who might be interested (absolutely no pressure to read this fucking long ass thing though), but keen to hear from anyone who wants to discuss:

@currymanganese @thoughtfulchaos773 @moodyeucalyptus @vacationship @mitocamdria @brokenwinebox @espumado @tvfantic87 @turbulenthandholding @anxietycroissant @angelica4equity @devisrina @kdbleu @freedelusionshere @ambeauty @afrofairysblog @fresaton @hwere @ciaomarie @ambeauty

#the bear #the bear fx #the bear hulu #sydcarmy #the bear meta #the bear season 3 #carmen berzatto #sydney adamu #natalie berzatto #mikey berzatto #richie jerimovich #tina marrero #marcus brooks #ebraheim the bear #uncle jimmy

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archangeltwins · 9 months ago

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Fave dominion ships?

THERE'S SO FUCKING MANY ANON I DUNNO WHERE TO START BUT OK HERE:

◇ top? selfshipping with all these characters TO THE MAX 💯💯💯😤

~ all jokes aside ~

◇ Glaire - Gabriel/Claire, the powerhouse head of vega and the archangel of the apocalypse brokering an uneasy (if violent) peace? we got snippets of that in the show whilst gabriel had "surrendered", being locked up and yet, still extremely manipulative and deathly charming. enemy of my enemy is my (secret) lover :3

◇ Nomriel - Noma/Gabriel, the loyal lieutenant that played both sides ending up circling back to gabriel because even with the torture, he's her superior. and angels don't have hangups with relationships / ranks. plus, she and furiad broke things off eons ago....

◇ Urika - Uriel/Arika, bi / wlw ship for the fucking win, bad bitches stick together in the apocalypse and fuck over the patriarchy? manipulative and pretty? always one step ahead than the protags? smarts and brawn? YES

◇ Bixlex - Alex/Bixby, best lil platonic ship. forgotten child of vega's lowest class looking up to the chosen one as a pseudo-big brother. adorbs to the max. protector x protectee with a side of Alex/Bixby/Claire. bc running off together with your girlfriend into the wastes to start another found family is the best plan, right????

◇ Methan - Michael/Ethan, 'nuff said. wide-eyed corpsman trailing the beautiful archangel like a puppy? one-sided crush, dancing around each other and trying to not make it obvious? flustered x cool-headed flusterer? GIMME

◇ Michriel - Michael/Gabriel, no explanation needed. angsty desperation toeing toxic loyalty. being the hand that reaches into the flames despite harm. sacrificing for each other regardless of the consequences? yeah,,,,,,

◇ Gabriam - Gabriel/William Whele, sychophantic underling x villainous master with violent delights dressed in the veneer of worship. exploring the allure of the forbidden and dangerous. finding comfort in fear, while knowing it could easily destroy you. also, religious blasphemy and corrupting the "pure".

◇ Nomalex - Alex/Noma, the ( latter ) superior ship. if alex entered the corps at eighteen, what did noma see in the chosen one all that long ago? his good heart and rooting for the underdogs? his selflessness in the face of overwhelming danger? his kindness towards those that once sought his misery?

◇ Gabrilex - Gabriel/Alex, classic sworn enemies to accidental lovers ;) defiant soldier x experienced general ;) sure we're adversaries but i'm constantly imagining kissing you in my head? ;) angry stolen glances and homoerotic tension? ;) you're an asshole and i hate you x oh come on i'm not that bad? ;))))

#answered ask #dominion syfy #dominion

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officeobject · 17 hours ago

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13+ ! Tw for blood and death and whatever else. Flash warning as well (in videos I link)!

OH ... MY ... DOG ...

So, the folks at home are Bluey fans (at least 2 at home), and I'd say the episodes became better as time went on, but I was never able to find a favorite character to latch on to, as I typically try to do (I might latch onto MORE - at least later ON), but Bluey animation memes were fun, introduced me to the Honeypie song, and I happily watched them at a great time for it, all in 2023 as far as I remember. I got curious about one and decided to give it a chance, and yeah, the Bluey artstyle had grown on me long ago, and I knew it was popular, unlike my brain thinking it'd also be remaining relatively niche, and that, changed things for me - not just in terms of introducing me to the Noma song "Brain Power" (and by extention, a different song I don't currently remember the name of).

Although generic on the surface and thumbnail and with its flaws, the story was interesting, and I loved the animation meme and the song and all, and the song somehow resonated with me, but the whole thing together resonated most - I'd see the other Bluey.Exe animation meme, and later in life got rewarded by another, and kept up with things - even watching the "movie"/"lost episode" (which resonated LEAST, but still resonated) - all in my Bluey.exe compilation, with a WIP fanfiction, wall of text, moodboards, news updates, theme songs, and a hidden user I interacted with (which I just happened to do - yeah, I have a habit, it's the same thing as Poll Drama, I guess) - and more, with plenty of stuff about aesthetics - I don't know what resonated, but I had also gotten my first fidget toy (fidget cube ring) around the time or before or something, which reminded me of her, as well - and maybe sometimes she made my mental health worse, but I liked the show significantly more, kept seeing all kinds of animation memes (had to eventually stop keeping up with some series of them due to getting bad feelings related to addiction or The Void or whatever), and kinda felt solidarity with Bluey or something.

What happened? Well, "Hidden User", stopped coming by to my wall of text ("Text Compilation"), which was the third chapter, back when I had Quotev and all - and I kept going, but man, perhaps that was just the beginning of the end. The creator (I don't remember his name), would promise more or something - seems promising, right? And before or in the meantime, they'd take drawing requests, and I felt like crap and wondered if I should take the opportunity - and I already felt like crap, because would I like him? Should I have kept up? Which of his other videos would I like? Would God want me to talk to him and therefore become part of his life? Furthermore, my views may have been declining, my feelings got worse when a drawing request was granted which included Bluey.exe , and maybe some other things happened, so, I chose that for the sake of my mental health, I would leave the fandom, which I have once wished to be noticed my contributions to. It WAS also a place for me, to write about fidget toys, so I DID continue that, and maybe some occasional, and definitely some last, Bluey.exe posts - and I avoided stuff, and my bond with the show faded, and maybe I didn't notice that - I don't know why, but I felt bitter against Hidden User and stuff, for leaving me - as I do when these types of people leave - and made another thing, about another dog, I could be edgy with ...

You see, local kid drew a picture for me he would say was ugly, but it was so ugly it was beautiful - both creepy and cute ... which of course resonated for some reason. So, I made "Hiddenna", whose name was based on Hidden User, and "ena" because I had years ago seen a Fluttercord fankid whose name was "Ena" whom resonated with me, and with the last name "Jamandtuna" (I THINK spelled that way), but whose premise, was, to write whatever edgy stuff I wanted, and that it was an adult dog, and that it was as realistic as possible (which I failed a lot at), and whom there was lots of mysteries about, a few characters in its life, and that I would write without thinking much, and just trying to FEEL, therefore with my subconscious - I only did concept stories, but planned a whole THING, had a character wiki for it, and other stuff such as aesthetics, sometimes related to Bluey.exe, but it still didn't hit the same - it still resonated with me, just differently, and hey, maybe I liked it less or something, but I still vented there as well, and that place would be a bonus of being about fidgeting in general (not just fidget toys), as multiple vent places would come to be hidden and/or with gimmicks/bonus stuff. Unlike Bluey.exe - codenamed "B.exe" to hide possible liking and meet up with potential fans - Hiddenna had no code thing, but had the half-joke, "TW" (trigger warning), and then "Hiddenna" or "tw Hiddenna Jamandtuna" - because her gory stories were just gore for the sake of gore, edge for fun, just shock value, or whatever you'd wanna call it, and it was a valid trigger warning, as it had almost every in the BOOK - no pun intended. A potential hidden user was there too, but nothing came of it, and maybe Hiddenna got more, or less, views, than Bluey.exe , but I generally struggled on what to do with it, and my brain when writing concepts VS about it, and making it resonate, and the whole thing. I still had fun and made a few moodboards and tried to make characters and all, but what could possibly happen to Hiddenna?! Well,

I decided to stop writing there, even long after some issue was gone - well, forever - but planned to continue, and at least wrote about it in other places, here and there, as some mean person who hated me at the time, bookmarked it for updates and all, and maybe commented spam stuff, and I wouldn't wanna update nor anything.

That person would later temporarily come back, which didn't impact anything, and, unrelated to that, despite my plans to continue Hiddenna stuff, my Quotev ended up reported and all, and I've thought of my Ginger Jones doll as a replacement, I guess, without knowing it, as I hadn't really had one since - and yes, I do still have both of my compilations, and my Hiddenna song parody, several vent books, etc, but still. Before the account was gone, I had found out that Ludo Studios, had taken down Bluey.exe stuff, which was just meh, or something, I guess, for the creator - just unfortunate - and I thought that the only remains would be fan stuff that wasn't really high-quality, an official animation meme that had ranked high on relation which I had ranked in the Bluey.exe prime, and that's it, as it wasn't gonna continue, and I had figured that out, when the Hiddenna thing still got updates, I think. I understand the decisions made, but they're still unfortunate, even though the movie's thumbnail was seen by the local kid, and explained away as some people just wanting to make edgy things, or ruining the fun, which was quite something, as a then-member of a what I would've called "a fandom", which I felt the need to hide. I don't know what to do - and hey, I'm no stranger to just letting myself write angst or scary and sad stuff - I still have a thing on the Xanderweb I kinda just let go wherever, but it's not at all the same, I guess, but Imma see what I can find that is left of Bluey.exe, as I can still find THIS, and am BEYOND grateful, that the movie thing still exist - will download the video, and other Bluey.exe stuff, and will link stuff. Anyways, here:

Bluey.exe video I found today that STARTED this vent (tw that Bingo dies and others): https://youtu.be/r2azyhUV4to?si=M_HTlXYnin1IWJu6 .

Also vaguely related to Manifique Gerald and Jebediah Spirit, because would think of whose voice the "Why Love Me" meme was most like, and man there needs to be a violin cover.

I DID get something though, that started out as what appeared to be a bunch of Guest Users from the country I live in, seeing my stuff - I was scared at first, knew I couldn't know what was going on, and just began "talking to them", to annoy them and entertain myself - I would make them into characters - kinda, with one being like Colby Tybbles, and some song parodies, as both - and yeah I assumed there were 2 - would visit almost every day, and I'd talk, and vent, and excitedly update after they'd visit, and wouldn't like it if it took too long, and again, I'd personally address them and all, kinda clearly have a favorite, would be nervous about breaks and tried not to get attached and all, said multiple times to even them that they'd probably LEAVE soon, but I enjoyed it, didn't understand why they didn't just reach out, made Picrews and chapter updates just to talk, and theories, and all, but in around May or June of ... JESUS CHRIST, 2023?! 2024?! I don't remember - I don't remember how much of a - yeah, wait, it must've been 2024, because I also did some Lore about a person on the side - just forgot, I guess - but anyways, so, around that time I guess, they'd show up less and less - or very rare - or maybe it WAS 2023 - but anyways - no, 2024 - I'd also stop updating EVERYTHING - except opening or keeping open a few vent places, ended up making Quotev news - yep, 2024 - because chats were gonna shut down, got more views than ever, tried not to post too much about some people who may have kept up with it and all (suceeded), mental health was bad, Guest Users came back so little it was almost never until it WAS never, had made the Xanderweb on day 1 that I had built up and written stuff on, on the side - well, also Discord, looked into alternatives - the vacation was coming up so I was about to be away from my emotional support 30 year old for quite some time (with 1-2 weeks of unexpectedly not being able to see them again and again), was still fresh from May's big friendship-disaster, kept getting excuses to vent, barely anyone cared for some secret vent book that wasn't that secret that I made (besides checking it out - Guest Users did too I think) - kept making song parodies, and barely anyone cared about the Xanderweb, and I was of course still not that good with the public, and knew views would dwindle, knew staff was bad and didn't listen, and guess the fuck what, the summer vacation had me nervously go back for only 1 week to my home country - like, I had been scared, I kept talking to whichever audience I had and was so personal and all with them, on that news book thing, got a vitamin D defiancy that took a while to get diagnosed which got so bad that I took iron supplements just to have any energy to not in bed almost all day and to not almost puke so much and to not feel like I needed to fecking faint almost always, and I also still had kept on making a few things - well, any excuse to make a few things such as quizzes - to cope - daily venting was so normal that skipping a day was so abnormal that I would explain myself - oh, and had cut off a year-long friendship, because it wasn't good for me, and I had NO ONE to cling to, and got a friend who seemingly kinda wanted the same friendship and told me to not mentally beat myself up for being so damn clingy towards him - and yeah I vented and kept repeatedly explaining why I do this and that and telling him many things, and I kept purposely indulging in my addiction to make things better, and just like with my former online sister and my current mom and all, he had friends and a lover, and even a cat, actually, so yes, I said horrible "12 year old me" level things about them and explained WHY I felt that way, I kept feeling like shit for it, I kept lashing out at him for that and other things, saying we could never be friends, and man, I didn't know what to do - he had bad mental health already, so I was SO fecking scared - I was scared of "breaking" him, especially due to my ever-growing long list of people who left or ghosted or blocked me -

I hated myself - mostly - most of the time - and felt SO guilty, and would encourage him to leave me - I saw myself as a clingy monster, perhaps more than ever - trying to push down any clingy thought I had towards him, yet was unable to - I wanted and got affection back, and still made jokes with him and talked about all kinds of things, etc, though also he had an unpredictable schedule - not good with my autism - by the way, yeah, I had that TOO - and he would leave for up to at least one week, then - and man, for whatever reason, I had this belief that the person I was clinging to before (IRL Manifique Gerald - if you know you know) - might not even be there when I came back, and was DESPARATE, for JUST SOMEONE, else, to cling to - and I gained a few good acquaintances, but also made it a mission to keep reporting and protesting and updating about a damn fetish story with a 12 year old protagonist, so I had THAT, as well - and after the vacation ended, I had my emotional support dude come back for a week or just a little time, so my brain was adjusting yet again - though still lots of bad mental health - and then at some point they fecking packed, and everyone said they were gone forever, and for all I knew, YES, and my friend was inconsistent, and this was almost 3 damn weeks, before one day, they FINALLY came back - FOR REAL ... the joy didn't last long though, because while they had been gone, I had made a couple of song parodies about him, theorizing with my brain (that had a history and still persisting trust-issues + me being superstitious/suspicious, of a lot of things) - that he didn't like me anymore, because he talked to his friends, and not ME, for a few days after coming back, and I posted those song parodies - later confronted him, got a bit into a fight, we kinda made up even though I had sent one of the parodies that wished he never existed - and now, back to when my emotional support 30 year old came back - well, at night, when I was supposed to go the fuck to sleep, my account (and an acquaintance's), got reported - I panicked and all, folks reached out on Discord, I BEGGED admins to be telling my friend that it wasn't his fault (I had considered deleting my account and even re-named it to that), wrote it all to the Xanderweb which I still had (hence why I to this day say it saved my flank), and then within the week, my acquaintence found out that my friend had been fake, had been talking behind my back, had been calling me all kinds of things, and his side of the story, is like what happened, except: remove all the explanations I gave, remove the concept of my personality, remove my intentions - basically, if it's a joke, take it seriously, if it's something I keep saying but don't mean as I cannot properly express myself, think I mean it as much as possible, if I say it's platonic, say it's literally romantic, and doubt everything I say about myself, etc - and like, I don't wanna diagnose people or anything, but I was concerned, and looking up "delusional", didn't ease my concerns.

Anyways, I decided to quickly move on, via my emotional support thing, and also the ghost I had tried not to like - aka the spirit of some teenage boy who I had been haunted by - with of course, stuff falling, since June - also I doubted his existence, no one believed in him, lots more to deal with but whatever - spoiler alert though, but I met the actual boy, months later, and he suddenly deactivated his account , and fuck my life why do I still exist fuck this fuck my life?

But yeah I had made Tumblr, weeks after not really doing much - one of my acquaintances from back then got hacked too, I guess. Haven't heard from him since.

Oh and also had to block acquaintances of a few months, to 1 year+ due to them either forgetting about me, or saying bad stuff.

REGARDLESS, Y'ALL - oh, and I never get over things - bought a baby doll and made up a whole new character just to replace my ghost, Colby Tybbles - who, by the way, haunted me a few days after the incident - I was actually getting over him, and the human version (Coby), COULD have contacted me, but never did to this day - but, yeah, was getting over it, he re-haunted me, still haunts me to this day so I can barely have vibration turned on my phone - he does other stuff like knock stuff over too, though - haunts me weekly.

If you happen to think - if I do not seem to have a history, with peers or teens to young adults treating me like shit, being constantly haunted by both guilt and grief, my addiction, people leaving, needing someone to cling to, feeling like a monster, accepting and/or falling for fake friends - well, I do have good adults and a loving family and all, in my life, but yeah, OUI, I've had those fecking issues since kindergarten-age! And also The Void.

Oh, right! And in June I ALSO had to deal with the anniversary of Ethan's "DEATH" - full long vent over here: Part 11, the hopefully happy ending: – @officeobject on Tumblr !

I would like to give a "thank you", to, like, my acquaintances, and other people in my life, for being there, or for leading me back to the right direction. I'm glad to have people, and have had fun with you.

I'd also like to thank my real friends, for being real people I could hang out with. Things aren't all bad, as proven by y'all, and y'all are fun and all.

I'd like to thank some people separately though, such as Ethan, for being one of the only reassurances I'd listen to. Talking to him daily was - probably IMPOSSIBLE - to not enjoy, and I had an outlet to be goofy with, whom was even portable!

I'd like to thank the Xanderweb, for saving my fecking flank - I can archive things there, and finally have a place for my videos, and it's a place I can hide at, if needed!

I'd finally - I THINK it's finally - like to thank THAT person, for fully accepting me as I fully am. Over a decade's long hatred of my body-hair, TIED TO ADDICTION, disappeared forever, via nothing - I'm beautiful - and I can fully be a "creep", yet appreciated - not even DESPITE it, and encouraged to further like myself and other undoings of all this time.

B.exe things I found:

Passable B.exe edit: https://youtube.com/shorts/i6QY3HgFuLs?si=wRHwg04mWTXGwTQr ,

Non-VHS-recording thing: Bluey.exe .

Remaining animation meme: Why love me meme ( Bluey exe) (blod warning) (first vid XD) .

NO WAY, I FOUND BOTH ARCHIVED AND VIEWED IN A SHORT (I think there was a third though), WOO! https://youtube.com/shorts/lC2B2bDFVn8?si=QuT02wHzXecx2q-A !

Also, in 2023 I got a Bluey figurine for Christmas, which was her in "Grannies" - I quite frankly don't seem to think and/or remember her as an 8-ish year old and maybe not even as Bluey Heeler.

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scoobys-sith-cousin · 1 year ago

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You got Daphen/Fred and Shaggy/Velma as two of the recurring ones in the gang (Shaggy/Velma happened once afaik). During the Red Shirt Shaggy era, he had a girlfriend called "Googie" who was never seen again. You have some of the movies who tease a love interest, like the Alien movie. Sometimes Scooby gets a girlfriend too. He has Noma (I forget how to spell her name) in Mystery Incorporated. He also gets a love interest in the Alien movie. Velma was supposed to have a girlfriend who's nickname was "Hot-Dog Water" back during Mystery Incorporated, but alas, that was only confirmed in a tweet by the writer. BUT Velma did have feeling for a girl in the newest halloween movie. You of course have the theories that it's a giant polycule, or where it's Daphne/Velma and Fred/Shaggy, but non of those have been confirmed, which I kinda hope they don't. I want them to drop the in gang relationships entirely. I want them to all just be friends who want nothing more then to spent time and solves mysteries with each other. But of course, relationships are hard to do when the main characters are traveling across the country, which they could fix by keeping the gang to a single location with a lot of mysteries, like Crystal Cove in Mystery Incorporated. I'd rather that they drop relationships entirely from one of the shows, and focus on letting you they're all friends. Banter, jokes, backing up one another, and just having fun. But yes, the Scooby Doo relationship chart is a giant mess that should only be touched by someone wearing protective goggles and gloves.

awhile ago a coworker and i were play arguing whether or not the mystery gang were all romantically a thing/polycule or just really good friends (yknow bored at work things) and knowing my bfs interest in scooby doo i texted him asking him to be the tie breaker and he responded “well it depends which canon youre going off of” and just instantly cold sweat knew i was out of my depth

#scooby doo

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suzuran777 · 2 years ago

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Koshotengai no Hashihime ~Noma~ (Adelta) Review

I just finished playing Koshotengai no Hashihime ~Noma~, Hashihime's portable version which is available on the PS Vita and Nintendo Switch! This game does contain some extras the PC version did not have, like some post-game content. This includes the short stories which are also available in Japanese on the official website. I did read these before, but they added voice acting and many new CGs, so I had a lot of fun playing these!

I was surprised when I saw that the game was also available in English and Chinese because all the other Nintendo Switch ports I've played so far were only available in Japanese. I decided to play the English version this time and the translations almost seems exactly the same as MangaGamer’s version of the game? I noticed a few differences when I compared both versions, but in general I think the translaton was quite good!

Because most routes didn't have that many 18+ scenes in the first place they really didn’t cut a lot of content if I compare it to the original game, though I still recommend playing both versions if you want to get the full experience. I also like how VN Switch ports in general allows you to skip forward and backwards really easily, so you can always go back and re-read lines.

The five routes (contains some spoilers!) It has been a long time since I played this game for the first time but I had a lot of fun re-playing it and understanding references I missed the first time. Minakami’s route is a good introduction to Hashihime’s story and worldbuilding, I remember I couldn’t stop playing the first time because I was so curious how Tamamori was ever going to prevent his death. The extra story was interesting too, especially the one in which you see everything from Minakami’s perspective.

Kawase’s route remains my favorite route because I just love his attitude and slowly discovering more about the character. Kawase and Tamamori’s arguments are also always funny and I like how they secretly both care a lot about each other. The extra story was super funny, Kawase I can’t believe you let some creep record your ‘’intimate moments’’ with Tamamori only to take the recording with you and watch it at home... (of course Tamamori did not appreciate that). Is this the real reason why he asked for help setting up a home-cinema...?

Hanazawa’s route has always been quite controversial, but I do think his route is interesting in its own way. In the final route it's mentioned that Kawase, Minakami and Hanazawa are all based off the works of real authors (Kyouka Izumi, Ruikou and Oshikawa). Oshikawa, whose work inspired Hanazawa's route, was a writer who would write many stories about the Russian - Japanese war, but he was also the pioneer of Japanese science fiction writing and seemed to love kaiju stories. I think his style can definitely be recognized in Hanazawa's route (the military parts, but also his ending when they end up in the past and fight monsters), so I think those are some really interesting details.

I think Hikawa’s (Or Hakase’s) route is very unique because it’s the first route in which another character can immediately time travel together with Tamamori. The extra story shows how their relationship is still very awkward even after the good ending, but I think that’s expected from Hakase who likes Tamamori a little bit too much lol! I miss Hitotsurugi and Sazan... They were such nice characters so it’s kind of a bittersweet ending.

The last route (or Kaoru’s route) is pretty short, which is a bit of a shame because I do think it’s an interesting timeline in which all of the other main characters died a long time ago. Kurosawa Rinko confirmed that it's not like the other routes didn't really happen, they just take place in different timelines (although Kaoru route seems to be the original timeline). It definitely adds some variety to the routes and endings and I enjoy seeing older Tamamori...!

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Overall I definitely think this game becomes even more fun if you're familiar with some of the novels and authors the writer references in the story. It's not a necessity of course, but to me personally it was even more fun than the first time I played this game years ago! I also like how the Switch port now has a full glossary, the PC versions did explain terms, but the glossary is even more useful.

I love Taisho era Japan VNs so I definitely think it’s great this game is available in multiple languages, even the Switch port. I own a few other portable versions of BL games like Taisho Mebiusline and Omega Vampire, but these versions are a little bit hard to recommend to people because of the language barrier. When you play on PC it’s at least possible to use some kind of translation software, but I don’t think there’s a way of doing this on a console.

#koshotengai no hashihime #hashihime of the old book town #hashihime #review #blvn

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mr-poire · 3 years ago

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Today's question is pretty simple but hopefully interesting! If Doctor Who Penultimate was made into its own animated show, who would you cast to voice each of the main characters?

Oh no ! That's a super fun question but I'm incredibly bad with actors names... Let's see ! To be honest I had Sharon D. Clarke in mind when I first started to doodle the Penultimate Doctor. I know she already played Grace but she wouldn't be the first actress to come back to Doctor Who for another role. Noma Dumezweni is also one of the first name that came to my mind for this version of the Doctor, but that's another Doctor Who veteran of sorts. I was sort of charmed by Rish Shah's performance in Ms. Marvel recently so I can see him as Sid maybe ? I can also see Amir Wilson from His Dark Materials for his part. Riz Ahmed kind of got the perfect vibe in my head too but he might be a bit too old to play a teenager, even as a voice actor ? I don't know. Lydia West is sort of an easy choice for Hannah but she's got that sort of youthful yet clever energy to her. Better yet, maybe Patricia Allison, from Sex Education ?

As for Elise... That's a tricky one because I'd really like a non-binary Scott actor to play their part but since I know none... Maybe Rose Leslie from Game of Thrones ? Oooh, or Lotte Verbeek. She's not really Scottish but her part in Outlander captivated me !

I also would definitely LOVE for Alfred Enoch to be a part of it all, just for the lovely nod to his father (William Russel)'s big part in the show's origins. I had him in mind for one of the Watchers but that's about the only actors I could really picture for any character, sorry for the not-so-interesting answers here. Please, do not take offense if any of these actors aren't top-notch or have done problematic things in the past : I really don't know much about the industry and really do not want to endorse anyone that could hurt anybody so yeah. Those are just the names that came to mind but nothing set in stone per say.

If you've got any better suggestions for any of these characters, please, feel free to share them !

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goldenkamuyhunting · 4 years ago

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Ogata’s iconic gesture

We’re all familiar with the way Ogata’s caresses his hair...

...to the point it had become his iconic gesture so that even the first time he shows up on a cover he’s shown doing it...

...and he’s also shown doing it in a colour illustration which was used as cover for chap 79

...and in one of the summaries for the skin count.

It’s clear he doesn’t do it just to comb his hair as he had been shown doing it even when he wears a hat so, more than fixing his hair, it’s clear he’s sort of caressing himself, making that gesture a self comfort gesure he might perform in an unconscious manner.

The movement is likely based on how cats groom their fur...

...a not so indirect reference to Ogata’s nickname, ‘Yamaneko’ (“Wildcat”).

While cats groom themselves for practical reasons, they also groom if they feel embarrassed, anxious, or to calm themselve, which would tie well with this being Ogata’s self comfort gesture.

But let’s look at when he does it through the manga.

Note that there are instances in which it’s actually unclear if he’s doing it so I will leave them for last.

The first time is in chap 43.

Ogata thinks Tanigaki might have killed Tamai, Noma and Okada and he’s obviously not pleased. Later, he will hunt Tanigaki in retaliation even though it’s completely useless as, as we’ll discover in chap 243, he’s aware Tsurumi already knows of their rebellion and is hunting them, meaning remaining there to hunt Tanigaki is a mere waste of time, a hint Ogata in that moment felt a deep grudge toward Tanigaki if he decided to spend his time so uselessly. As he pats his hair Ogata’s face is shadowed. It’s clear he’s not in a happy mood.

So the grooming can be a soothing gesture for him. He has to keep calm and not shoot Tanigaki right then or he’ll involve Huci too, whom, he’ll reveal, he wanted to spare.

We continue with chap 46.

In it Ogata does it before praparing himself to face the soldiers Tsurumi is sending against him. As the situation is clearly risky, it makes sense he’s soothing himself with a quick ‘hair grooming’ before facing his enemies.

We move to chap 70.

For who doesn’t remember it the scene happens prior to Ushiyama listing all the skins they got, pointing out the last one was recovered by Ogata...

...but prior to Ogata casually questioning Hijikata.

It’s hard to say why exactly he’s grooming himself, it can be he’s calming himself a bit before having to question someone like Hijikata, who basically doesn’t trust anyone. Of course it can also be tied to the memories Ogata had of how he got the skin in Barato, where another ‘father’ tried to kill his own son, something which clearly reminded Ogata of his own father.

We continue with chap 78.

Ogata, who’s cornered behind a table and some stuffed corpses, pats his head when Tsukishima attacks him, saying he’s betraying them to surpass his father. Again his face is shadowed and his expression somewhat pained. If the purpose is to calm himself down it works as he then smiles, dismisses Tsukishima’s words as Tsurumi using stupid cliches and shoots in Tsukishima’s direction although this is one of the rare times in which Ogata completely misses his target.

So to chap 80 we go.

The situation is clearly unpleasant. Although Ogata survives he claims to have no other choice but to bring Sugimoto’s group along and that’s not even the worst part. He knows Edogai died and Tsukishima might be bringing some fake skins to Tsurumi as they speak. One might need some self confort in such a situation... and if it helps fixing his hair which is likely a mess after his experience in the mine, well, that’s a plus.

And now chap 83.

The image in its own doesn’t tell us much.

For the context Ogata was about to shoot at the woodcooks when Asirpa stopped him saying even if he were to manage to hit 1 the others would fly away and anyway it’s hard to hit them with the rounds Ogata uses, hence they should use an Ainu method to get them.

While Sugimoto is amused by Asirpa’s lack of faith in Ogata’s ability, it makes sense Ogata wouldn’t be pleased. Even the sound he makes seems to point at it.

There’s another scene in chap 83 though where he pets himself.

This time is after he got praised for getting three of them. It’s hard to think at discomfort, unless Ogata is so not used to praises they too make him nervous, so he needed it to later manage to assume a confident pose. Honestly I would say it’s more a self praising move but it’s hard to read Ogata.

Fast forward to chap 88.

Same as the above this is hard to read. Is he praising himself for guessing right or having the confirmation they’re in the hideout of some Yakuza pretending to be Ainu makes their situation worrysome?

At the list I’ll include a cut scene in chap 101.

In the volume version this scene isn’t present, but in the magazine version Ogata grooms his hair when he realizes they’re encircled by bears, a definitively worrying situation.

Then we move to chap 108.

It’s another scene that’s not clear. Is he proud of himself because he figured out why Sugimoto is searching the gold or the thing makes him uncomfortable because he has realized Asirpa has a crush on him and the whole situation reminded him of his own mother?

And then we’ve chap 109.

Is he proud because he was the first to find him? Or it’s just the situation is troublesome because Ogata would still be of the idea of killing Tanigaki for what happened to Tamai and Co (which he will mention later on to Asirpa and Sugimoto), but killing him would be troublesome because Tanigaki is friend with Asirpa and Sugimoto, whcih are part of the group Ogata is in currently.

And then we get the infamous chap 113.

Ogata is teaching Asirpa why Anehata just wouldn’t think to consequences before violating animals. While the scene seems funny, his father was also one of the men who didn’t think to consequences before having sex with Ogata’s mother.

On another side I’ve been told Ogata’s words are losely translated as the sentence was pretty unclear in Japanese so...

‘Otoko tte no wa dasu mon dasu to sōnan no yo’

男ってのは出すもん出すとそうなんのよ

“That’s how a man is when he put it out."

And then we’ve chap 128.

Again Ogata’s parentage is used against him, as Hijikata says due to it is hard to think Ogata might be in this for some gold. And again it makes sense the situation makes him uncomfortable.

So we move to the infamous chap 137.

Is he praising himself because he got Wilk and Sugimoto? Or is he troubled because, although he got Sugimoto, he knows the bullet might not be fatal which is why he has to remain there and try to shoot Sugimoto some more?

To Karafuto we go and to chap 159.

And here it’s pretty clear Ogata is uncomfortable at the idea of having to go and apologize.

Chap 170 then.

We’ve Ogata grooming his hat... because he got praised by Asirpa. Again if he’s uncomfortable (he’s not even meeting her gaze) or if he’s praising himself for his own shoot is up to speculation.

And then chap 180.

More hat grooming. It was interpreted as a stab at Kiro, who also had to move from Russia because chased... but he’s not even looking at him and Ogata was the one sure Tsurumi would chase him so it might be just a jab at himself.

Hard to say.

We continue with chap 187.

And this time Ogata don’t content himself with hat grooming, he moved his hat away that’s much that’s needed to confort himself after Asirpa (legittimately I might add) told him to stay away and that he is untrustworthy.

A big fast forward to chap 222.

And again Ogata is in a clearly discomforting situation as he has to explain Abashiri keeping hidden the role he had in it considering he’s a horrible liar.

And finally chap 257.

Ogata crossed paths with Kikuta but Kikuta let him go, pretending he never saw him. Either something happened between the two, something we weren’t shown, or still this meeting managed to make him uncomfortable, a clear hint they aren’t on the same side, even if they aren’t at war with each other.

And that’s all, or better, those are all the scenes in which we can be confident Ogata is grooming himself.

There are then some unclear scenes.

Chap 5 for example.

It might be a ‘proto grooming’ scene. Ogata is clearly not petting himself, he’s scratching the back of his head, which usually is done to imply the character is puzzled but the scene might have inspired Noda into giving him the habit to groom himself.

Then chap 115.

Some think this is a grooming scene but as Ogata says his head is spinning it makes sense he would touch it (it’s a pretty standard movement), especially since his hand isn’t in the usual grooming position. On the other side having your head spin is clearly uncomfortable so a grooming scene would make sense too but really, I think he’s only touching his spinning head.

And lastly chap 159.

It could be a grooming scene... but it could also be Ogata pulling down his hood as first he had it raised and then he had it lowered.

Hard to say anyway, if it’s a grooming scene it would again fit in the list of scenes of Ogata doing it after hitting something.

And that’s the end.

As you can notice there isn’t a single grooming scene placed prior to Ogata’s hair growing.

Some assumed he groomed himself when he met his father.

Truth is it’s hard to say as it can be he was merely covering his eyes, as when Ogata grooms himself, Noda usually draw his hand in a higher position and with the fingers touching each other.

It’s hard to say but it’s still interesting.

Of course his possible Ogata merely started doing so because his fur... ehm... I mean hair, got longer... I mean... the short hair he had previously might not have been the most pleasant thing to pet... but maybe there was a starting factor. I don’t know, we’ll see.

Well, and that’s all for GK resident kitty. We’ll see if the future will gift us with more grooming moments.

#Golden Kamuy #Ogata Hyakunosuke #Golden Kamuy Pondering

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cursedvida · 9 months ago

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The first thing I'm going to say is that I find it completely out of place to mention a ship where there are clearly indications of pedophilia to exemplify a point with another ship whose participants are more or less the same age, and if not, it is clear that both are adults or are close to each other in terms of vital points. I think examples of problematic fandoms can be given without resorting to comparisons of that type because, well, let's leave that aside.

I don't defend that just because it's fiction, there's a free pass to romanticize or normalize anything, but I don't understand what that has to do with this particular couple. The power imbalance or dynamics, violence in relationships and abuse are not being romanticized or normalized. The age difference isn't being normalized (which is why your mention of HoD feels off, honestly), nor incest or anything like that. In this universe, both intelligent apes and humans are at the same intellectual and cognitive level, especially in the case of Noa, who proves to be much smarter than average. So, again, as in my previous point, I don't see the relevance of the argument "it's not just fiction because fiction influences the overall perception" in this case.

Finally, I agree with you: chemistry doesn't necessarily imply romance. But no one has said that it does. People see two characters whose relationship has potential and who also have an interesting dynamic and good chemistry, and they start shipping them. This has been happening since fandoms existed and has even occurred when shipping characters who have never interacted throughout a whole saga, but fans think that based on their personalities and personal histories, they could offer a good dynamic for fanfics or fan art. It's not necessary for a couple to be canon to ship them, nor do they need to openly show signs of romance. Yes, chemistry doesn't necessarily imply romance, but many people, thanks to chemistry, discover that they like a couple and start shipping them because it's fun, entertaining, and it inspires them to create all kinds of things.

There are many ships that I don't like or don't see as anything more than purely platonic, but it has never occurred to me to go sermonizing to anyone about why they ship or stop shipping something, or if it makes sense, or if it's too soon, or if chemistry isn't decisive. I simply let people have fun with whatever they want as long as they don't harm anyone because ultimately the world fries your brain, and it's nice to have spaces to rest from the frenzy of late capitalism.

Do you only see Nomae as something platonic? Wonderful. Other people see it as a connection that could potentially have possibilities in the future, and that leads to speculating theories and having a good time.

I normally don’t make my own posts on here because of certain reasons however i do want to say something about the newest Planet Of the Apes movie.

Specifically the shipping. The shipping of the MC Noa and the human character Mae.

Stop here if you don’t wanna get spoiled about the movie or if you’re already hating what might be said.

TW for: general cursing, mentions of incest and sexual stuff.

To clarify, i love interspecies relationships. Ask any moots of mine or even look at what i reblog when it comes to those types of ships.

However seeing this ship has rubbed me the wrong way.

I haven’t seen the movie, I’m planning to just not in theaters, but ive gone through the POTA tag on both here and on tiktok. From what I’ve seen and gathered the arguments for this ship are “look! They have chemistry! Noa wouldn’t have done all this for Mae if he didn’t like or have some feelings for her!” “the cast and crew hinted a love story for them!” And even “if you hate this ship even though you like interspecies, youre a hypocrite”

But i have some thoughts on all of this.

1) Chemistry doesn’t mean romance. Two or more characters can have the most amazing chemistry and still likely be friends or platonic soulmates/kindred spirits. And that’s what I’m most likely leaning towards when it comes to these two characters.

Yes they have long gazes, yes he saves her and she saves him, yes they both look up at the stars at the end. But i feel like that’s what two people may go through if they’ve went through the events Noa and Mae have gone through.

And if anyone thinks I’m not for this ship because of the lack of sexual nature of these two then get out. Leave. Block me. I may reblog funni haha horni posts but that’s not all of my damn personality. Thinking that is inherently gross.

2) The interspecies aspect is… odd. Mainly cause I don’t think these two are a interspecies relationship at all. Genetically we share a lot of DNA with primates. Culturally the apes in the current movie are currently going through their own age of civilization that can be comparable to pre Sumeria. They’re developing their own tools, customs, language, are training animals for hunting and are gathering. While interesting from an anthropological perspective they’re evolving the same way humans have.

You can apply the last bit to any fictional species but to me its like watching a distant cousin learning how to ride a bike.

I would deem interspecies romance as shipping characters that aren’t related to the human race at all. Apes and us shared a common ancestor. So, not interspecies.

3) This entire franchise may be fictional… but that’s what worries me. People as of late will shut off their brain if it means shipping something that is obviously problematic.

Case in point? House of Dragons.

I will not touch that show because of the shipping wars. I hated watching tumblr go googly eyed for when a young teenage Rhyneara was crushing over her uncle. Hell i even saw a post where someone got a pic from a trailer that showed a hand over hers and going ‘oh my god guys shes finally gonna bone her uncle!!’ As if incest was suddenly okay even from a literary standpoint. Even if it happened in the lore and books. This is why I think the entirety of The Game of Thrones universe should not have been created.

But this is what we have been seeing.

Just because something is fictional doesn’t mean it can’t happen in real life. And if we normalize something that should remain fictional people are gonna think its okay.

TLDR; I will only see Mae and Noa as platonic soul mates. And that will remain unless something happens where its not gonna be problematic.

Oh! And please don’t bring up the Harkness test when it comes to the validity of this ship. That’s a whole other rant for a whole other day.

#kingdom of the planet of the apes #planet of the apes #noa x mae #mae x noa #planet of the apes movies #nomae

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emma-what-son · 4 years ago

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I think even Dan himself said he expects HP to remade in about 10 years there is too mcuh money in it for WB not to. - I read another ask about Bonnie which made me compare the HP cast attitudes mentally. The thing is not just Bonnie, but Grint has also mentioned in the past that he wouldn't be too thrilled with a reboot. Back when Cursed Child came out, Grint had talked about being supportive of the new actor but feeling weird bcs someone else was playing what he considered to be a part of his own self (boundary between Ron and Rupert quote). So it's pretty obvious that apart from the fact that most of the old cast know part of their commercial value that derives from Potter fame would take a hit, they are also understandably and genuinely attached to these roles they played and got lucky with. But with Dan, I've seen that he's never expressed any possessiveness for Harry if he feels it. He has talked about this possible reboot bcs he's aware of the cash grab it would be for WB. Also, when Harry was played by actor Jamie, he only discretely had a bouquet of good luck sent to him, which they both mentioned in interviews so the story added up. He didn't try to steal the new guy's thunder and maintained that he had no scoop to give bcs he wasn't involved. Compare this to the huge publicity stunt Watson pulled. It was so ridiculous, looking back. The huge media coverage and the fan euphoria that night at the theatre. She also had a photoshoot done. Back then I viewed this as her just being supportive of the new Hermione. But thinking about it now, she made the whole damn thing about herself in a huge,huge way! I wonder how the new cast felt about it, although they had to show up for the photo op. Heck, even Rupert and some others went to watch but nobody made such a procession about it like EW. She even went and wrote that big essay on her ig and twitter apart from the media coverage to ensure nobody missed it. Way to milk the cow! It makes me laugh now, how it was treated like some sort of blessing ceremony by her and her team lol. Old Hermione came, saw, clicked affectionate photos and delivered her stamp of approval to the new, PoC Hermione. She talked about it in her essay/post about how she approves of the new choice when in fact the new actress was miles ahead of Watson in her acting range irrespective of whether or not she suited Hermione, and the media articles were also made to highlight the 'Watson the saviour of marginalized people coming to the rescue of the black actress against trolls who were hating on having a black Hermione'. Looks tone deaf on her part like the black boss comment, bcs why did she think the new actress needed her approval for doing a job is strange to me. The term approval implies permission, and only the creators or fans can be associated in that role. I'm not surprised anymore to discover her shamelessly fame-generating tactics but still sometimes wonder if she never feels embarrassed or self conscious about this when she goes in with all her confidence and performs for this media circus that she orchestrated to the T in advance.

I'm not surprised that most of them feel that way. They've played the characters since they were pre-teens. Dan played the lead, but maybe he also has some negative memories attached to it what with his drinking and all. But he must also be a rational thinker and knows that he doesn't own the character and knew that someone else would play it again in the future.

Where Emma is concerned, she really did make a big deal of it. On the one hand I think it's nice to let people know she liked Noma Dumezweni, because there was a lot of backlash about a poc taking over the role. But we know that she also saw it as a great opportunity for herself.

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kodrevas · 4 years ago

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I tried to send you an ask and accidentally unfollowed instead *facepalm* anyway WRITING ASK 1-5 and 21-25!

1. Do you write outlines? How closely do you find yourself sticking to them?

When I drabble I go off that spark of inspiration. However, when I long form, yeah I sort of outline. It’s not like an outline you would have done in elementary school but I talk myself through the plot on paper, ask myself questions where I need stuff to fill in, remind myself to foreshadow later events that are important. Unless a plot gets an entire overhaul, which happens way more often than I want to admit, then I stick pretty closely to what I outlined. Otherwise my ADHD brain won’t get everything down.

2. How much research do you do before you start?

None. Zero. It helps that I tend to write in worlds I create, or in worlds that pretty malleable (coughStarWarscough) so I do no research until I hit an issue that I need to research. Then I get lost researching and don’t get back to what I was writing sometimes. I never said it was the right way to do things.

3. What’s your process like for world building? Do you have a clear definition of the world before starting or do you make it up as you need things?

My world building is bare bones. I tend to have an ancient history idea of the world, and less of a solid idea of the timely world. So I make up what I need when I need it. However, a world becomes more clear to me the longer I write it and think about it so I tend to have a good idea of what the rules would allow when I get to an event that needs something. That said, I mostly leave out farming, economy, clothing, food descriptions because I don’t care about that stuff when I read fantasy and I have no interest in including it in mine.

4. Do you visualize your characters as you create them? Do you make mood boards or playlists?

My characters become people the more I write them. I’ve tried to do playlists and I just don’t care. I’ve never made a mood board. I daydream a lot. So looking at the early stories in my Star Wars legacies is very cringe for me because I hadn’t rounded out my OCs and it shows.

5. How do you name things?

Letter mashing and then googling what I came up with to make sure it isn’t slang for penis in another language.

21. What kind of story are you writing right now (or planning to write soon)?

I am currently outlining an original fantasy novel. But I am not very confident in my ability to write anymore because I feel out of practice. I’m looking at going back to my old SWTOR fan fics and continuing some to get back my groove.

22. Give me your most favorite line (or paragraph/dialogue) that you’ve written recently.

Guilt dragged at Noma as she stepped over the small woman’s body. She heard Descla sob once as Habrin pulled her to her feet. Noma wanted to apologize, to hug the other women and just stay for a moment in their grief, as Minwe deserved. But there was no more time. Noma threw herself against the throne room doors and forced her way through. Don’t be dead, she pleaded. Please don’t be dead. Were there even any gods left to hear her?

23. Is your story top secret or are you posting updates for it as you go?

My novel is super top secret. I’ve discussed plot with Dutchstache and I bounce stuff off him because saying it out loud helps me make sense of my ideas. But otherwise I’ve talked very little about it. The above excerpt is a scene I cut from it. My fan fics are thrown up on Tumblr after barely editing them because I have no chill.

24. Madlibs time for one of your current works: When [plot instigating event] happens, [Name of protagonist(s)] [action verbs] to [goal], but will [pronoun] succeed when [antagonist] [action verbs in opposition]?

When her father’s murder happens, Ellesca flees in grief to mourn in hiding, but will she succeed when her father’s murderer strikes deal with ancient and evil forces to expand his kingdom across the known world?

25. Free space. Tell me anything you want about writing in general or one of your stories.

I commit the writer sin of waiting until inspiration strikes to write anything. I can get some great stuff, but sometimes there’s no inspiration for way too long. That’s where I am now. I have this story I like and want to tell, but I haven’t written in so long I no longer have any confidence that the way I tell it is going to be compelling. Or even any good. I’ve written some things over the last year that when I go back to look at them, I can’t believe I wrote something so bad and stilted. And its because I don’t make myself do the practice. I know zero drafts and first drafts are supposed to and are going to be terrible. But I feel like I’ve lost the natural writing ability I used to have to churn out cringey but salvageable material. Nothing feels salvageable now.

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plays-the-thing · 4 years ago

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How They Made Chess Dramatic – A Companion Piece

This is companion piece to this video where I try to take a detailed look at the some of the methods The Queen’s Gambit used to infuse the chess matches with a drama. This one is not as long or as complex so there isn’t nearly as much to discuss in this post, but there were a couple things I wanted to expand upon.

Part of the reason it’s a simpler is the overall strategy they used is pretty standard and straightforward: infuse it with drama through the characters. This is a tried and true strategy that has worked to make even things like Olympic tobogganing (Cool Runnings) dramatic to people who don’t care about toboggans or even the Olympics. But I thought it was cool to use these same strategies on something so intensely non-physical like chess, and I wanted to take a closer look at how they did it.

Unfortunately despite the relative simplicity of this video, it took ages. I was basically done months ago but have spent the time since battling the YouTube copyright system. I uploaded it upwards of 50 times with minor and major tweaks to try and get around all the things that were tripping the copyright. I am not a lawyer, but I believe these videos clearly constitute Fair Use: they are transformative, not a replacement for the original product, and can be considered criticism. I understand why the system has to exist, but it is extremely frustrating to work around. After making no money on the one video that got picked up by the algorithm I’ll never let another copyright claim slide, but it does push my sanity to the limits when it does things like trigger a copyright claim on an unrelated portion of the video when the only thing I edit is one line of voice-over five minutes before the section that’s flagged. It’s maddening, and honestly pretty discouraging.

The main thing I wanted to expand upon is at ~12:35 where I say “It’s not a perfect show, it’s got bits that range from feeling a little off to downright obnoxious.” I figured I would give a couple of examples based on the footage in the video.

I’m not a big fan of character narration in voice-overs. I didn’t love it when Beth explains to her mother how she was feeling in her game against Benny, but it still sort of worked to help build up their character relationship. This is a good example of something being a bit “off.” The chess felt a lot less dramatic when Beth was telling us how she felt about it instead of letting the moments play for drama, but it’s an understandable trade-off.

In the second match of the first tournament, as much as I enjoyed Cooke’s uncomfortable look and request for a draw, I absolutely hated Beth looking up at Townes and his stupid headshake. Beth does not need Townes to tell her she shouldn’t accept a draw. Worse, this fits into something called the “NOMA” (Nod of Male Approval) where a woman, in a moment of doubt, looks to a man for guidance and in return gets her Nod of Male Approval. The NOMA is a trademarked tactic of bad writers who are trying to write empowered women but can’t quite manage it. This isn’t exactly that, but its close enough that it should never have made it into a story about a genuinely powerful woman. I get that we are building up their relationship, but he didn’t need to shake his head, he could have just smiled and let her make her own decision, or she could have declined and then looked up at him. However, this is the only moment like this I noticed, and the story is otherwise extremely empowering of Beth. Like Bob says in that post this sort of thing becomes a problem when it’s part of a pattern, and while this is part of a cultural/media pattern it’s not part of a pattern inside the show, so I didn’t think it worth explaining in the video even if it did irritate me.

#queen's gambit #netflix #plays the thing

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theholycovenantrpg · 4 years ago

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CONGRATULATIONS, EMMA! YOU’VE BEEN ACCEPTED FOR THE ROLE OF MAMMON.

Admin Rosey: There is something about Mammon that draws people in - but I know that they can be a very fickle character down simply because they are so utterly unique unto themselves. I really enjoyed the application because of the way they were outlined so meticulously, providing the exact understanding of Mammon that I very much longed to see. There was a certain disdain that was interwoven into everything, from the plots to the prose to the dialogue. The apathy that seemed to be teeming on the surface of things was absolutely delicious to eat up.This application was a fun read and I simply cannot wait to see how you develop Mammon along the way! Please create and send in your account, review the information on our CHECKLIST, and follow everyone on the FOLLOW LIST. Welcome to the Holy Land!

OUT OF CHARACTER

Alias | Emma

Age | 23

Personal Pronouns | She / Her

Activity Level | Decently active, at least once a week if I can get my shit together!!! Always making the effort to stick and get replies whenever available! ( At the moment I’m pretty available but things might change in a couple of months depending on work and etc )

Timezone | EST

Triggers | REMOVED

How did you find the group? | Rosey is a Queen and was like hey look I did something sexy and I clicked and I gasped and I agreed, she did do something sexy. And then I said wow and the rest of the team also did like magic and I was shook. And here I am now applying for the sexy.

IN CHARACTER

Character | MAMMON

What drew you to this character? |

There is something so raw about a demon birthed from nothing - they are the epitome of emptiness, their existence almost synonymous to a black hole which I find extremely fascinating. They are greed, they are consumption, they devour all, eating away at others in physical tangible methods. Perhaps it is their cruelty that is ultimately a big part of what fascinates me - untangling the web of what makes them tick is yet another facet. I’d love to explore their mind and uncover the inner workings of their feral being. Their gluttonous ways and conquest to swallow those around them whole is chaos at it’s finest. The danger that glints in their eyes and the attitude that exudes from them is everything I could ever desire in a character. They’re also really hot. I mean Noma Han though.

What future plots do you have in mind for the character? |

& I EAT UNTIL ALL IS CONSUMED | Mammon is a fickle creature who thrives in pandemonium. They tread a questionable line of self indulgent anarchy. Their arms are extended like the angels in mockery, writing their own fanatical laws that no one else could truly understand. Their madness thrives in their mind - their motivation always geared toward their own personal satisfaction. But what if the scale was to tip? Perhaps someone or something will catch the gleam in their darkened eyes. What if they too could live for more than the tool that was once wielded by others. Long accustomed to opulent luxury and gluttonous sin, never had they batted an eye at the politics swirling within courts. Yet for someone as hungry as they, was such mundaneness enough? What if they were to crawl past the line of humdrum satisfaction. What if they dove deeper into their instability - their appetite always growling for more. In a dog eat dog world, they had always been the one to voraciously guzzle first. Enjoying what existed was mediocrity and they were far more than that. With sharpened razor teeth, they know they can bite off more. Nothing would be too much to chew, for eating and taking was what they did best. Take and take until there was nothing left, ambition spirals to the damned heavens itself.

HOPE? WHAT A PECULIAR CURIOSITY | Accustomed to eons past of old tales whispered in their name, there is something tedious of Mammon’s life. While they have long been accompanied by their gourmandizing, they too seek out a spark of new excitement. Their bones creak, their jaw snaps at the thought of a new conquest - a new game. Perhaps a pursuit that is unexpected by all others - especially of demon kind. They have seen much and heard much and curiosity is like temptation itself. They too wonder of things like hope - entertaining the concept. They do not understand it as they have long been an inhabitant of the same old Hell. Yet even they tilt their head in interest. What is this so-called thing of wonder that has kept civilizations afloat? And it is this same twisted intrigue that has left their lips parted in bemusement. Will they succumb to it’s enigmatic mystery? What shall become of the creature who begins to understand?

MONARCH OF PILFERED GOLD | A thief with a stolen crown, it is hardly an understatement to say that Mammon’s a selfish bastard. Anything that caught their eye was plucked by their greedy fingers by the right of their own claim. The excitement that coursed through their being elicits an ecstasy like no other. They will never forget the seal of death against Morningstar himself, oh how delightful it had all been. The sweet taste of bloodied victory is ever so ripe and thus this addiction to capture the same sensation thrusts them forward to chase it all over again. It was never enough for a being like Mammon who was carved from hunger itself. The pupils of their eyes dilate, looking toward shinier prizes - bigger ones that would make tidal wave changes. In their proud arrogant veneer, they mark their target in the back of their mind. Names and faces never forgotten as they seek to take one treasure after another. And perhaps the thrill of the game is only ever more exciting when the opponent viewed them as an enemy. It fuels the maniacal cackles that rip through their throat because what is theirs will be theirs. It would only take a matter of time before they conquered again and again. After all they took down the King of Hell, at this point - what else couldn’t they take? More is more.

CHARACTER CONNECTIONS & PLOTTING EXPLORATIONS

GABRIEL ; HOW SWEET IT TASTES TO INCITE YOUR WRATH | I really love the potential between Gabriel and Mammon as there’s undeniable heated tension. With him, Mammon feels the very sensation they have long been addicted to. The palpable hatred that lurks beneath Gabriel’s eyes lures Mammon closer - curious to see what would happen if they pushed further and incited an infernal fire. Undoubtedly I can see this dynamic burgeon into something both intimate and unspoken. For Mammon it is their newest game, their newest thrill ride to feel something and be seen. They will not deny themselves of the attention and want to bear witness to Gabriel’s promise of their destruction. ( I’m also here to see the angst )

“Destroy me if you can, desire me if you can’t” - Mammon

ROMILDA ; FOR THIS ONE’S DEMISE SHALL BE DELICIOUS | Mammon and Romilda appear to be playing some game of cat and mouse which offers for some spicy ideas. For Mammon, they remain closeby like a voyeur peering into the windows of another’s life - perhaps others would perceive it as a God complex. But it is not stemmed out of arrogance or superiority, rather just another form of amusement for a creature as bored as them. They follow at her feet to watch what will happen because she is interesting and they’re nosy and want to know more. Perhaps Romilda will get sick of it? Who knows! ( I could see them being lowkey kind of obnoxious to Romilda. )

“Tell me a story and I’ll give you a show.” - Mammon

REVNA ; COME CLOSER INTO THE DARKNESS O FRAGILE ONE | To Mammon, Revna is like the perfect three course meal - so deliciously melancholic and on the verge of hopelessness. They keep her around close to keep her entrenched in her misery. It is also like the finale of a play, they await to see what will snap and send her spiraling - an event that will certainly incite their wicked glee. But Mammon believes themself to be merciful, kind even - giving her a choice to do as she pleases. They just merely amplify what she already believes. And I can’t wait to play that out - this is pretty much a parasitic relationship except Revna gets nothing out of it really. ( They’re the world's shittiest therapist tbh )

“The closer to the edge you are, the grander and greater the fall.” - Mammon

GADRIEL ; KNEEL BEFORE MY FEET AND BEG FOR MERCY | Mammon has never forgotten the events that had unfolded, a sickly sensation that sticks to the guts of their stomach. It is both a disgrace and a dishonor to have ever allowed such a thing to have occurred. They are not one to bury the hatchet - rather they hold onto it with a grip. I would like to see Mammon and Gadriel perhaps duel once again, mayhaps to the death? If anything this too can make for some good drama. Maybe Mammon will make a friend - or just die, anythings possible! ( They’re in denial that they’re kinda pressed and acting like it’s no big deal but you know deep down it's a big deal )

“An outcome must be decided; to the victor go the spoils.” - Mammon

Are you comfortable with killing off your character? | Yes! But I would also think it’s funny if people keep trying to kill them and they just come back like, bitch you thought. Just imagine the meme potential.

IN DEPTH

Driving Character Motivation |

AND IT BEGINS ( THE ORIGINS OF IDENTITY )

Largely much of Mammon’s natural instincts seems to center around the concept of “hollowness” or “emptiness” and in turn, it would be likely that they would like to share this void sensation of others, a cruel goal but for them - it is merely how they live. Perhaps another reason to pull others into their sphere of vacancy is the twisted amusement of watching others suffer. They are wicked and have never denied it so, and to share in such pain only feeds into their own warped sense of pleasure and indulgence. However even so, their identity remains a translucent nonlinear jumble of messes, one that they do not wholly understand and seek to untangle. Simply put, they are beyond unusual, strange even and given their long years of existence, have become bored of routine.

THE CHANGE ( A NEW GAME )

And upon a frivolous whim, maybe they shall change it - or not, for they are as volatile as a child. But should change come, perhaps this will force them to act differently from the habits they have long been accustomed to. However, perhaps there is potential within their sinful avaricious vice to fall even deeper into the pitfall of hell. They have always been greedy in their collection of treasures. And surely objects have immense value but what if Mammon were to take it a step further? Breaking past the limits of inanimate items, their eyes may be set on an ever steeper goal. Their nurtured sadism bears fruit to cruel intentions; maybe it's time to take from the essence of humanity itself. It is people they wish to take from now; their hearts, their minds and even their souls.

DANCING TO THE FINALE ( BOPPING TO NIGHTMARES )

They want to carve out the creature that breathes their sweet drink of life. Through veiled grins and snide chuckles, they seek to pull the strings of those they deem of inconsequential value. Upon invisible puppet strings, Mammon will play until they tire once more. For it is all just a game to someone who’s never truly ever had a reason to care. ( Born in the void, they become just as senseless the place they call home - it is a cold cavity that is all they have known. ) They live in their own world of selfishness and conceit, the world just a playground for devils to play. So they shall dance in the dark, picking one human target to another, rejoicing in the cries of anguish. And when the song shall end and the old rickety monster becomes exhausted, they will crack their wrists. It is then they will break the fools until there is nothing left. Again and again the routine shall be repeated. Because Mammon hardly understood life in itself; only ever the depths of shadows and death.

Every word of hope and moral goodness consumed until by the black tar tongued of hell’s devil; and that is when the being is slaughtered, becoming just a husk of what they once were.

ABRIDGED : Ok so like to sum up, Mammon’s just a big asshole and just wants to screw up other people because they’re mainly 1. Bored and 2. Why the hell not it’ll be funny. 3. Collecting trash is their hobby. They’re so self absorbed in themselves that I feel like in order for Mammon to be pushed toward some outside motivation would require them to either 1. Get friends or 2. To give a fuck about someone else ( to care - WOW ) But as of the moment any sort of motivation or goal just stems from their own wants or needs which rules above all else. They don’t want much in life at the moment besides hoarding, stealing, taking new shit and playing fake God if they can. Or just be that third person ominous narrator that’s super unhelpful but is there to give unnecessary input. Demons gotta do something to pass the time, right?

Character Traits |

Positive Traits

Observant ; They have long had sharp pointed eyes - ones that watched the slightest ticks upon a visage, the subtlest movements of one’s gestures, the rhythm of footsteps of others. Mammon is a particular being who has long been watchful with a gaze that is both frightening as it is dangerous. But it is through their observations that fan the flames of mania. They play their games regardless of their opponent, their whims self serving first.

Strategic ; A good player must learn the ins and outs of any game and it is one of the first things that Mammon has long gravitated towards. They pick their wars keenly, sometimes even merely satisfied with the knowledge that things shall work as they had planned. Execution is what they have done best and it takes more than sheer luck and power to finesses such precision.

Clever ; Far from a moron, Mammon has always prided themselves in their intellect. However, exercising such wit often was a choice rather than a given. For the gluttonous demon celebrated their flaws far more than any of their redemptions. Only in dire circumstances would they ever apply themselves with the extra effort of thinking. Perhaps when a worthy enough challenge came along its merry way, they would finally exert their mind once more.

Negative Traits

Rapacity ; Mammon has always had a large appetite for intemperance. Both physical and metaphorical, they celebrate in the excess. The more they devour, the more satisfied they become. To them, boundaries are just suggestions. Their overwhelming need to take everything from everyone fuels them to function. Nothing could ever be enough. More was always better, and they live by these words on a daily basis.

Sadistic ; They enjoy the thrill of crawling under the skin of both friends and foes. It is amusing to watch souls tortured and in pain, the sound of shrieks and cries are like trumpets to their ears. They rejoice in the reactions, cackle in the face of desperate pleas - they have long been accustomed to cruelty. Perhaps it is the infliction of pain that they themselves can understand human emotions; something so strange and foreign. For they themselves have long lived null and empty.

Manipulative ; Silver tongued and clawed finger tips, Mammon is shrewd in their approach and sly in their tactics. They enjoy digging beneath the surface of what is seen and plucking out the weakest part of a flawed creation. Behind a face that may mask friendliness lies a sinister creature full of mischief and mayhem. They speak with lies, wearing deceit as their second nature. The craze they exude glints beneath the murky tar colored eyes.

In-Character Para Sample |

EXCERPT 01: LUCIFERS FINALE.

WHEN SINNERS FALL, DEMONS SHALL RISE

T R I G G E R - W A R N I N G : Implications of Violence, Death / Murder

Morningstar, the king of Hell, how arrogantly he sits upon the throne of bones and emptied carcasses. His face is marred with arrogance; of kingly conceit that is forged from his own inflamed hubris. How pompous Lucifer appears - but perhaps it is the lens that Mammon perceives that weaves the tale which whispers of their questionable truth.

But rewind -- it begins from the beginning. The one object that sat like an artificial halo atop Lucifer’s head; oh glory to the shiniest trophy of them all. It was all they ever wanted, clenched fists with fingers dug deep into their palms. Such a beautiful crown wasted on the being they thought most undeserving.

Mammon had arrived late, birthed in the pits only then. They were nothing but a speck in the universe. Thus they knew, to be worthy of such a precious coronet, they needed to become something. Someone. Their worth must be equal to the item they wished to pursue - or so they once believed.

And so the fateful day came and Mammon strolled within the gates. Head held high, arms swung side to side as their eyes followed the audience. From one head to another - oh the looks of dissatisfaction restrained at the edges of the crowd’s ugly visages. Mammon sensed it, felt the dissent looming through the room - like fog itself, murmurs could be heard throughout. But all of them were cowards, their heads still bowed lowly before the demon king himself.

They greet the false King, a cockiness in their stride as they stand with informality, a grin crawling up their knife like features. There is a nonchalance in their posture, an indifference that seemed to agitate his royal hellness.

“I have returned,” the voice thickened and dark.

Mammon sees the rage, understands the ticking bomb that lies behind the devil’s veneer. But they did what they did best - they poked and prodded.

“The world is a pleasurable place beyond the frigid walls of this palace. It seems that you have been forgotten, your name abandoned, forsaken,” Mammon sighs - their pupils never moving an inch away from the Morningstar’s head.

“I suppose your ‘greatness’ is nothing compared to the man residing upstairs,” they mocked.

Lucifer is silent but his cool rage could be felt. The stillness that fell could stop time itself. It was then he stood, fingers gripped at the arms of his wretched throne. His voice is a hiss, fueled with laughable jealousy. Words that only Satan himself could ever conjure slithered between the flaps of whatever made his mouth.

But Mammon remained themself. Unflinching as they awaited - beckoned the fury to light brighter and brighter. They took a step, accepting a dare with the fates. And it was then that they had crossed the line, the servants of Morningstar thrusting them upon their knees.

They had trekked into uncharted territory - detonating the wrath of the top Devil. A small smile appeared on their face. It was all a joke. But the glee that curdled through their rickety bones brought forth the satisfaction they had gambled for. How sweet was the taste of Lucifer’s anger and jealousy - they could eat up more -for it was aromatically delicious.

The pits of Tartarus were nothing for a creature like them. They would claw their way out as they had done once before. How amusing it all was, they had stepped on the toes of a ‘supposed king’ who’s envy entrapped him. It was confirmed in that moment that Mammon who had wandered the planes with a trail ablazing, they had become something more. They left once but they’d swore they’d come back for more.

A KING NO MORE

And so they returned. Indifference worn upon the husk humans called a face. Their decision never came from a place of justice or hatred. No, it was the one fixation that they had long desired. And the only way for them to ever get such a prized possession was to chop it from the head of the wearer.

It was a merry day for a remorseless killer.

They spun to the tune that played in their head - the haunting whistle that made their feet tap to a jig. It was the mighty king of hell’s turn to have a taste of damnation. Perhaps somewhere the Angels would have sung for Mammon's praise. But whether the pasty holier than thou freaks did or didn’t, they didn’t give a fuck.

Mammon wanted what they wanted. Blade in the grasp tightly, exposing the whites of their knuckles. Today was the day to claim their very first love. ( Love? Obsesion? No, it was just another whim, another aimless desire. )

Swiftly they cut, quickly they shredded. It wasn’t long before the Morningstar was beheaded.

In the bloody mess of whatever made the black hearted creature, Mamon ripped the crown from his head. Their fingertips stained with the colors of death, they place the object upon their own head. In the reflection of the glassy floor - they bear a smile, teeth exposed to show their mephistophelian smile.

And yet the feeling is fleeting - as it always was. They had come and conquered but it was never really enough. The agenda was completed and their excitement gone. They looked at themselves once more, the grin fading. Their fingers gripped the item and threw it on the dirtied ground.

A sigh of exasperation exited their lips, their back turned as they walked away. Onlookers bowed before them but they did not care. They had their fun and as routine, it was time for Mammon to find a new toy to play with. But before they vanished from sight as they were long accustomed to, they glanced back once more. An itch to feel the euphoric sensations that rattled their ribcage and howled beneath their flesh.

Alas.

It was just another fucking crown.

____________________________________________________________________________________

EXCERPT 02: THE UNKNOWN.

IN MY PRESENCE, ANGELS SCREAM

It was him that they found a fascination like no other, an unsettling sensation that felt akin to perhaps what the humans may call alive. Mammon lurks within the shadows - not to close, just enough to see them. Enough to feel something within that jostled, reminiscent of a beastly heart.

“I know you’re there.” He blinds like the sun.

Mammon says nothing.

It is then that Gabriel makes his approach. Oh glory to a walking God. Each step ringing like the bells of divine retribution. But Mammon does not waver, nor do they run. They welcome it, their lips curling at the corners.

“I am here oh sweet fair haired angel,” their words spiteful. “Vanquish me if you truly dare.” It is then that they too walk into the light. They should have burned. But darkness consumes all, absorbs all and takes all.

Gabriel does not speak. But his gaze does not fall.

LOVE AND HATRED ARE SAME SIDES OF PASSION

It is Mammon's turn to take the stage and so they do. They walk closer, enough to taunt the other. They delighted in the seething temper that boiled beneath. His hatred was like no other; he bears witness to Mammon’s full depravity. It is Gabriel who seems to understand the monstrosity of what they are. And it is in this fragile perverted supposed understanding that pulls Mammon closer.

“You have cultivated your sainthood, your goodness,” Mammon remarks. “But isn’t that your purpose? The will of accursed God all too shitty. But you see Gabriel - I am like you too. It is just merely a difference in … design,” words hissed with pitch black mirth.

Their finger is pointed at them.

“For you, they strove for righteousness.”

“They gave you light. Nurtured you with warmth.”

“Your existence was a predestined fortune.”

There is ridicule dripping from their words. No bitterness, no care - just vacant rambles and little thought - a pretend of emotion conducted for theatrics. They raise their arms to the sky, their middle fingers pointed.

“But I was made as an omen, an example of all things terrible.”

Their arms dropped as their focus returned to one of God’s original favorites.

“They made me hungry.”

“They made me wretched.”

“For all the love and praise you fucking angels sing, how imperious for your kind to judge.”

Mammon closes the distance, their mouth upturned like a risen half moon.

“Doesn’t it pain you to know that our fallen creator had us all cut from the same cloth? Despise me should you wish but do not deny that even you, pure and good, harbor something as foul as hatred.” They laugh - cacophonic delirious cackles of a madman facing death.

Mammon stops - in the quietness their head tilts, a sneer pulling at their lip.

“Kill me if you choose but it’ll make you no better than the Devil.”

____________________________________________________________________________________

Extras |

HEAD CANNONS

WINGS : I’ve always imagined that Mammon would have wiry or metal looking wings? Like it would be sharp and mimic spare parts or just trash, almost as if they had made their wings by hand. I’m specifically picturing the creepy hand from the “Other Mother” in Coraline but imagine the material as wings ( reference here )

FOODIE : I think it would be funny that they’re somewhat of a fancy connoisseur of food. Well food and perhaps anything else that they can put in their mouth. I feel like their standards of what can be eaten really is at a low bar. They would be down to just chew on some dirt and be like “wow the flavor in this silt soil can not be compared to clay.” Seems like the type of thing Mammon would be into. Probably would overshare and even attempt to encourage others to try whatever the hell they’ve decided to swallow that day.

TRENDSETTER : Given that Mammon likes to take a lot of shit and probably has the attention span of a child, I don’t think they’d be wearing the same outfit on repeat ever. I also feel like they’d be the type to put on a plastic bag and then call it high fashion and maybe people would believe them? Or not - I mean the choice is simple, nod or choose death I suppose. I also see them being a big fan of sunglasses just to be dramatic when they toss it off to really emphasize how crazy and fucking wild they truly are. Also I could see them just being dramatic for no good reason with a little bit of a flair for theatrics.

WEAPON: Perhaps Mammon’s weapon of choice would be akin to something that looks like a Scythe? Or maybe they’re the type that would keep a handful of sharp blades on them, I could definitely imagine them playing with a butterfly knife and doing tricks with it since they’ve had hours upon hours to learn and fuck around. I could also see them picking up other people’s weapons and going like “well that's nice, going to add it to my collection. This one would be great for some good old stabbing.”

MUSIC : Despite being kind of a silent type, Mammon secretly is the type to be into a lot of music??? Especially when they’re doing some dirty business or like kicking someone for being a buckethead, I could imagine them jamming to some sweet tunes while doing the ass kicking. Maybe they’ll whistle too. Here’s a scene from American Psycho whis is the inspiration I got behind this ( reference here // trigger warning: murder + violence + blood )

OTHERS

PINTEREST | MOCKBLOG

ENDNOTE: Thank you for reading through my application! Just wanted to say that you guys did such a great job with the roleplay. Whether I’m accepted or not, I had a lot of fun writing this & exploring the character so thank you! ♥

#accepted #accepted: mammon

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smokeybrand · 4 years ago

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Smokey brand Reviews: Bad Romance

Palm Springs was probably my favorite film from last year. It was this quirky, time-looping, hilarious, romantic comedy with one of the dopest casts I've ever seen. It was headlined, and championed, by Andy Samberg but it would have been nothing without the brilliant chemistry between his co-lead, Cristin Milioti. This chick is fantastic! She’s been in a ton of stuff I've loved, Fargo, The Wolf of Wall Street, and Venture Bros. immediately come to mind, but never really had the opportunity to actually excel in her own vehicle. Always the Bridesmaid never the Bride, you know? And then i heard the buzz about this little HBO max show called Made For Love and it is lead by Milioti, herself. Finally, my girl has her wedding day! So, does this show live up to all the hype or is it just middling entertainment like all the other critics seem to think. Let’s get into it.

The Good

Immediately, I'm struck by how well this film is shot. This f*cking thing is gorgeous to look at. Seriously, they do so much with the camera work, so much dynamism, you kind of forget that this is basically just a cable sitcom. The quality put into this show is borderline cinematic and it really shows.

Another big thing that stands out is the music in this show. This soundtrack is exceptional. It feels almost as good as the tunes in Letterkenny. Almost. Letterkenny comes with the f*cking heat but this show, Made for Love, has a perfectly complimentary soundtrack.

I have to say, the writing in this thing is on point. It’s easily one of the wittiest, wryly hilarious, smartest, series of scripts i have ever had the pleasure of seeing performed. Seriously, I'm kind of in love with all of this dialogue. It feels very Lonely Island-esque, very Tina Fey-ish, and it’s right up my alley.

As a cat that has watched a ton of television and cinema, I've seen this actual plot before. Several times actually. That said, the way this cliche is executed in Made for Love is rather refreshing. The modern and technological framing is a really interesting take on this particular trope. I genuinely loved this story and it’s unique spin on things.

This cast is pretty dope. Ray Romano, Kym Whitley, Dan Bakkedahl, and Noma Dumezweni are all great in their supportive roes but this is, one hundred percent, Milioti’s vehicle. I’ll get into detail about that later but everyone in this show is excellent in their perspective roles.

That supporting cast are gems in Milioti’s crown but Billy Magnussen is definitely the prize. Dude’s Byron Gogol is f*cking repugnant, man, and Magnussen effortlessly captures that scumbaggery. Like, by the time this first season ends, you definitely hate dude and for good f*cking reason. That said...

Cristin Milioti wears the f*ck out of her crown. This is HER show and it wouldn’t work with anyone else. Milioti is hilarious and vulnerable and crazed and triumphant and defeated and that range is so palpable in her performance as Hazel. you can tell she was able to actually show her stuff in this role and she puled out all of the stops. This is definitely a star making performance and i think, if this wasn’t a pandemic release, she would be one. Time will tell. Personally, i think awards are bullsh*t but, in the context of the industry, the doors those things can open, they are still relevant. Milioti definitely deserves all of the awards for this run.

The Bad

I didn’t really like the ending. It felt out of character, especially that last shot. I understand why Hazel did it, that make sense, but it still feels off. After you’ve spent seven hours and fifty minutes with this character, seeing what she does in the last ten is kind of bonkers. Actually, that revelation early on feels a bit contrived altogether. I imagine, considering this show is a book adaption, it works better in print but onscreen? Kind of blergh. Especially considering this leaves the show on kind of a “cliffhanger” for a season two.

This isn't a dig on the show, itself, but i f*cking hate these weekly releases. Let me binge, man. I don’t want to wait a week to see new episodes constantly. These ain’t Saturday morning cartoons. We grown and this sh*t ain’t TV. Get your sh*t together, HBO!

The Verdict

I really liked this show. Made for Love was a fun watch in the same vein as Palm Springs but with a much harder edge. The writing is on point, funny in a macabre sort of way, but entertaining as a whole. It is chock full of great performances, headlined but the ever excellent Cristin Milioti. It starts fast and never really lets up, until it does. That ending, man, was rough. I understand why it went out the way it did but i don’t like. It feels disingenuous to the Hazel we’ve spent this last month with, ultimately sacrificing the character’s spirit for season two bait and i kind of hate that. Made for Love is a fun watch at a brisk eight episodes but kind of flubs the landing. If you can look past that and just accept this hing as a vehicle for Cristin Milioti to really show her stuff, i think you’ll have a great time with it. Questionable conclusion aside, i think everyone should check this one out.

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istartedbelievinginitmyself · 5 years ago

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Review Harry Potter and the cursed child cast 4, 08th December 2019

On Sunday 08th December I saw Harry Potter and the cursed child in London (Palace theatre) for the third time and as I did it for every time I went so far I wanted to give a review of the London year 4 cast as I did for the year 1 and 3 cast in case anyone is interested.

Overall I have to say that I enjoyed the show a lot more than last time and I overall prefer cast 4 over cast 3. I saw a lot of understudies on Sunday and that can really help to make a show feel more fresh and exciting. I explained in my last review why I couldn’t enjoy cast 3 as much as I hoped to and all of my issues were totally fixed by cast 4. It’s such a great cast and everyone involved made this a really wonderful and beautiful show. It was really worth it seeing the show again.

I think I don’t have to go into detail why I love this show with it’s story, staging and characters in my third review as nothing has changed about my passion for this show, so I will limit this review mostly to the cast.

Before I still want to say some sentences about the new changes that were adapted from Broadway in cast 4. First the wand dance scene now has a new choreography, which I really didn’t mind at all. I don’t have a really good memory with dances so I probably wouldn’t have noticed on my own. Second the scene in the wizard retirement home has a new staging. I think it’s a little less exciting than the old one and less stuff is happening so for me it’s not really an improvement. I didn’t really mind it either though.There also were some minor costume changes, nothing really important though.

So to the cast:

Harry Potter – Jamie Ballard

As Jamie is still in cast 4 I had the pleasure to see him again for the second time. This time I was well prepared for his Harry and didn’t need any time getting used to him. It was a delight to see his name on the cast board and he certainly didn’t disappoint. I still love his Harry with all my heart. He has the ability to make people feel very sorry for Harry, but he still has the explosive aspects of Harry’s character. Last Sunday he was truly on fire and even more playful than usual. I think he really had fun working with so many understudies and it brought him to try out some new things with his character I didn’t notice last time. At the beginning of act 1 his Harry is so overly excited and playful, and his excitement is used by Harry as some sort of barrier to protect himself when he is nervous. This really showed in the blanket scene this time and it made Harry’s attempt to bond with Albus even more honest and desperate. This playfulness also carries on in the other acts especially with his interaction with James’ Draco. Their constant banter and teasing were simply hilarious and only strengthened my opinion from the last review that Jamie and James have amazing chemistry as Harry and Draco. This time even more than before. He also plays Harry’s emotional scenes so well and this time I could see him as book Harry a tiny bit more than last time. His Harry still feels unique and wonderful and I’m really glad I had the chance to see him again.

Ryan J Mackay – Albus Severus Potter

As the main cast for Albus (Dominic Short) was away on Sunday I saw his understudy Ryan. To be honest at first I was a little bit disappointed because I really wanted to see Dominic as Albus, but after the show I’m really happy I saw Ryan. I would describe his Albus as quite soft and not as angsty as I usually like my Albuses, but in comparison to Joe’s Albus it worked very well with Ryan and I enjoyed the differences in his interpretation. He was a good mixture between introverted and sad with a right amount of angsty and leadership. I liked that his Albus was more introverted and sad around his father, especially in act one, but got more confident and extroverted being around his best friend Scorpius. It really fits to Albus‘ character as he never really can open up to Harry at the beginning and can be himself around Scorpius. In the blanket scene he looked very miserable and more hurt than angry. His Albus was still angry, but it wasn’t totally explosive and Albus felt more sad and deeply hurt in this moment. I think it actually worked quite well with Jamie’s Harry and it was a joy to watch as the blanket scene is one of my favourite scenes in the play. In general Ryan had good chemistry with Jamie and they worked well together on stage. After the time-turning events he looked devistated in the dorm scene with Harry as if he was accepting the blame and it was very hard to watch his Albus so defeated and miserable.

Ryan also had great chemistry with Jonathan’s Scorpius. What I really missed between Jon and Joe last time I got here to 100%! A lot of touchy Scorbus, they were constantly all over each other, always touching and clinging to one another. It shows that this Albus and this Scorpius are very comfortable around each other and don’t hesitate to physically touch, which made my Scorbus heart very happy. The hugs were simply adorable and even more touchy than the rest of their interaction. You could really see the affection between these two boys no matter if you look at it as platonic or romantic. It also showed in Albus behaviour as I explained above and he gets rather confident when he’s with Scorpius, so the line about him being a leader really fits to Ryan’s Albus. As a more soft Albus he was very good to make the audience understand what Albus is going through and why he is doing what he is doing.

There isn’t a lot of negative things I could say about him, but I do think he could do a bit more in the library scene. He looked very sorry with his dad in the dorm scene and I missed that a little bit in the library scene with Scorpius. Maybe it’s because Jon acted his little heart out that Ryan faded a bit in comparison and his library scene really wasn’t bad at all, I just missed a little bit more like he did in the rest of the play. No big deal though. He also struggled with some lines in act 4, but he saved it really well and as an understudy it’s totally understandable. It’s a mystery to me how one actor can remember so many lines of different characters to begin with. When Dom is there Ryan normally plays Albus‘ brother James and Cedric, so he has to remember these parts of the show and always be ready to go on as Albus. I have an never ending respect for what Understudies and swings do in theatre. So his messed up lines are easily forgiven and actually were quite funny. I hope Dominic stays on for another year so I get a chance to see his Albus too, but for now I’m very happy to have seen Ryan as Albus and he surely is a talented actor and a great Albus.

Jonathan Case – Scorpius Malfoy

As for Jamie Jon also stayed on in cast 4 so I had the absolute pleasure of seeing his Scorpius again. It’s actually a miracle he was there as the days before he was sick and his understudy Luke was on. I was quite surprised when I saw his name on the cast board as I expected to see Luke, but it was a pleasant surprise any way. I would also have loved to see Luke, but seeing Jon is always a pleasure as he still is my favourite Scorpius. I felt a bit bad for Jon as he sounded a bit sick and coughed a few times and I hope he got rest after the show, I’m still very happy he came to the show anyway. I talked a lot about how perfect his Scorpius is in my last review and I still approve of every single thing I said. He is the perfect, most adorable Scorpius I can imagine and it’s a priviledge to be able to see his Scorpius twice. He was even better than last time and really gave the emotional scenes his everything. The office scene with Draco was simply wonderful and his Scorpius got a lot more angry and passionate than last time. The library scene was even more heated than I know of him and he was simply on fire last Sunday. I think having another Albus really helped Jon to shine even more and bring out the best of him as an actor. His chemistry with James‘ Draco was still amazing and there really isn’t anything bad I can say about his performance. If it would be up to me he could very happily stay on in the cast for a long time.

Susan Lawson-Reynolds – Hermione Granger

On Sunday there were a lot of understudies and Susan was no exception. I just want to say that I loved her Hermione so much. Since Noma no actress really felt like Hermione to me, but Susan just nailed it. Like Noma she has this great authority on stage by also being gentle, calm and loving. Her Hermione is such a strong leader and still a gentle loving wife and friend. She combined everything I love about Hermione in cursed child and I couldn’t be happier to have seen her. Ronmione was amazing too! Like Scorbus Ron and Hermione were very touchy and all over each other especially in the opening scene, it was simply adorable. Noma and Paul always had such great chemistry I really missed last time, but this time Susan and Thomas fit together so perfectly and you could see the sparkle and the affection in their marriage. I also adored her chemistry with Jamie’s Harry and Emma’s Ginny. Their friendship felt so warm and comforting. I think due to all the father son issues in the play the friendship part between the adults and the golden trio can get a bit lost, but this time I could really feel it and it reminded me so much of their friendship in school in the books. She and Emma even hold hands in one scene and it was such a nice comforting thing to do and it really highlighted Ginny’s and Hermione’s friendship in the play. The only sort of negative thing I would have to say is that she struggled a bit with the magic in the polyjuice scene and the telephone box scene, but just like with Ryan I think it’s totally understandable. Of course she isn’t as smooth at the magic like the actors who do it a lot more often and don’t have other roles to remember. It really didn’t bother me much. I really don’t know what more to say about her except that she is amazing and I hope she will become a lead somewhere at some point. Her Hermione is strong, loving and funny and I’m so happy I could see her Hermione.

Thomas Aldridge – Ron Weasley

Seeing Thomas is always a pleasure. I already wrote a lot about his Ron in my last review and I still love him just as much. He is so funny and hilarious but still manages to show how comforting and what a great friend and husband Ron is. As I already mentioned he had great chemistry with Susan and it made the office block scene even more hilarious. At the end of it they weren’t gently fighting like normally, no, I would more describe it as violently wrestling on the floor. It was just amazing and funny to witness. His banter with James‘ Draco was also hilarious and I think due to so many understudies the remaining main cast members really gave it their all. There just isn’t anything bad I could say about him no matter how hard I would try. He is just amazing and I love him and Ron with all my heart in cursed child. I think Ron’s character is so often overlooked in cursed child and doesn’t really get enough credit that he deserves for being such a supporting husband and friend. It really takes dedication to give up your own dreams and career to give your really busy minister of magic wife a chance of a family and a chance to have kids. He may come across as comic relief in some scenes, but I think his jokes are so important to keep everyone else (really intense people) like Hermione and Harry from getting mad. He balances their worries and intenseness and always tries to lighten the mood for his friends when they feel really down and nervous. I think that’s a great quality of Ron in cursed child and Thomas is just so well at showing it. With him it never really feels like comic relief, you can always feel how much his friends mean to him and why he is doing it.

James Howard – Draco Malfoy

A lot of actors from the main cast stayed on in cast 4, so I could also see James as Draco a second time. What can I say, he just is the perfect Draco. I even loved him more this time than last time. Like Jamie he was simply on fire and much funnier and much more of a brat than last time by still keeping his elegance and Malfoy behaviour. He perfectly combined everything I loved about his Draco and the things I loved about Alex‘ more playful Draco and it was just glorious to watch. He really tried some new stuff especially making fun of Harry (I really don’t know what was going on with Jamie and James backstage but it was hilarious to watch them play off of one another all the time). Their chemistry on stage is just something very special and it really makes their scenes together so much more enjoyable.

The kitchen fight scene was just perfection, it was so much more funny than last time and you could see how much fun they were having. When Ginny enters the room again after they stopped fighting both James and Jamie looked like children who were caught trying to steal cookies from the kitchen and Jamie even hid his wand behind his back like a guilty five year old. It was the most hilarious thing I saw this evening. Even his serious scenes were even more heartbreaking than normal. His talk about Astoria never fails to break my heart and I’m always surprised what an amazing actor he is. He also has such great chemistry with Jonathan and I love their father son interaction. Their hug at the end was also slightly different from what I remember. Now it’s not Scorpius that runs to Draco and stops before Draco says „we can hug too if you like“, now it’s Draco that runs towards Scorpius almost chasing him to the edge of the stage and then stops in front of him before he says his line and then Scorpius hugs him. It was sort of funny as Jon’s Scorpius looked really terrified for a moment being chased by his dad before he realized his dad just wanted to hug him. The only word I can use for his Draco is perfect, just perfect.

Emma Bown – Ginny Potter

I’m saying this a lot this time, but yay another understudy! Seeing Emma’s name on the cast board made me really happy, mainly because as explained in my last review I’m not the biggest Susie fan and seeing another Ginny is just so exciting. I really liked her Ginny and definetly like her more than Susie’s version. She was very sweet but also fierce and showed a lot more emotions. I like how she gave her Ginny more personality by adding hand holding with Hermione and jealous Ginny in the scene with Myrtle and Harry.

As stated above she had good chemistry with Jamie’s Harry and their marriage was believable although they still couldn’t reach the chemistry level of Jamie and James. I also loved her with Thomas‘ Ron, they had a very sweet brother-sister relationship, which I never really noticed before with any Ginny actress. Beside all the other really amazing actors she stayed a bit in the backround, but overall I really liked her. She didn’t do anything super new with the role, but that’s not required to be a great Ginny and be enjoyable to watch.

Rachelle Diedericks – Rose Granger Weasley

Another understudy (there were so many understudies yay) and I simply loved her Rose. I actually think she is my favourite Rose so far. The dialouge sounds so natural with her and not too much at all. Her Rose is very fierce but I could also understand what Scorpius sees in her. Her Rose seems really lovely and almost adorable but still very desperate to get attention and being popular. Rose isn‘t my favourite character but with Rachelle I really liked her as a character, so she did a fantastic job.

Madeleine Walker – Delphi

To make my opinion quite straight from the beginning: from all the Delphi’s I saw until now Madeleine is definetly my favourite. Most Delphis are just way too over the top when they play evil in the end and it mostly limits my enjoyment of Delphi as a character. Madeleine played evil Delphi much more subtle but still very threatening and I loved it. Even her good Delphi was the best I have seen till now. She was so sweet and funny and had a great quirky personality, I would have loved her Delphi so much as a character if I wouldn’t have known what was to come. Her chemistry with Ryan was also really great! I felt so bad for Albus, it was so easy to fall for her Delphi so the reveal at the end hit even harder.

The supporting cast

Cast 4 is really great overall, there wasn’t a single actor on stage I didn’t approve of. There also were some understudies in the supporting cast (James, Polly, Dumbledore, Myrtle) and all of them did a great job. All of the actors did amazing and seeing David Annen’s Snape again made my day just perfect. Also special mention to David Mara who did such an amazing job as Dumbledore/Amos Diggory, it was great seeing another version of this character as until now I saw Barry in both previous shows.

Conclusion

Watching cursed child is always such a pleasure and this time everything felt perfect and like it all fell into place. The things that I struggled with last time were no issue at all, the show felt a lot less rushed and felt very natural and fresh. This play is just so wonderful and the palace theatre is so beautiful. I would highly recommend seeing cast 4 as they are absolutely amazing. So if you have the chance, do it! If you are in London you really also should give the theatre cafe a visit, for theatre fans it’s such a nice place to be and they freshly moved and renovated and it’s very lovely. They even have a cursed child corner now with the wands from the play (which you should really buy because they are stunning and feel very high quality). The magic of cursed child just never seems to disappoint.

#cursed child #cast 4 #review #in case anyone is still interested #my thoughts #jamie ballard #james howard #jonathan case #thomas aldrigde #ryan j mackay #susan lawson-reynolds #emma bown #rachelle diedericks #madeleine walker

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torestoreamends · 6 years ago

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James Phoon as Scorpius Malfoy – 11/05/19

You have no idea how much joy it brings me to type those words. There are magical days at the show and then there’s that – incredible, once in a lifetime, wouldn’t miss it for the world.

I actually only made it for Part Two (I wasn’t meant to be at the show at all), but I ditched long-made plans and rushed over to the Palace. Because I normally refuse to do just one part and not the other, this was only the second time I’d seen one part on its own, and it was the first time I’d seen a Part Two without a Part One. I hadn’t realised how much of an impact that would have on my viewing, but it really did.

The Scorpius we meet at the beginning of Part Two is one who’s trying to deliberately disguise his true nature and his emotions, so I think what I got from him will be quite different to the impressions of those who saw both parts. If you’re interested in the opinion of someone who did see both parts, @ohscorbus is working on a recap, which should be up soon! Anyway, without further ado, here are my thoughts!

Act Three

My very first reaction was an emotional one. After two years, all I could think when he came out of the wings was ‘it’s James Phoon. Playing Scorpius. Finally’, and as I looked at him in that blond wig and Scorpion King robe I burst into tears.

Once I’d got myself back under control, my next impression was that he was very still – hands clenched together, straight back, chin up. It was weird for that to be one of my early impressions of a Scorpius, and it threw me off a bit, but it made sense. This Scorpius seemed to have his Scorpion King impression firmly in place. There wasn’t a moment where he really gave himself away, at least not initially.

There were a few things that stuck out to me through the next few scenes. The first was in the scene in Draco’s office. I loved the emphasis on ‘I don’t want to be who I am’. It wasn’t a stress I’d heard during that line before, and it brought out this unhappiness and frustration. Also in that scene, I noticed that James Howard as Draco was really taking his time over his lines. There were lots of long pauses and space for thought. It’s always fascinating to see how someone’s interpretation changes when faced with a new cover. The other really big thing I noticed was how having a mixed race Scorpius brought a new emphasis to the discussions of Astoria in this scene. It threw Lucius’s negative opinion of her and her defiance into a different light, in a way that I’d considered before when thinking about what it might be like to see James as Scorpius, but hadn’t expected to feel quite so tangibly when watching the scene.

In later scenes, the big thing I noticed was that James’s Scorpius stood firm when Snape pointed his wand at him before casting ‘Colloportus’. I’ve seen a lot of Scorpiuses end up cowering on the ground at the point, or at least flinching away. This one didn’t move an inch. The next few scenes were also where I started to notice the attention to detail in James’s movement – this is one of our movement captains after all; would we expect any less? The big one I noticed was in the First Task repeat, when the Time-Turner started to play up, there was a very defined jerkiness to the movement that went along with that. Normally it’s a general flail, but this was a Time-Turner that was desperate to get moving back to the present, tugging Scorpius from side to side as he tried to control it.

The scene that really started to shape my impression of James’s Scorpius was the lakeside encounter with the Dementor, right before Scorpius makes it back to the normal world. There was a real sense of both fear and resilience in this scene. For comparison, I would call Jonathan’s Scorpius bold in Part Two, but James’s wasn’t that. There was a bravery that came from the fear. He never quite conquered it, but he suppressed it, and found a strength that was greater than the fear. In this scene that was so obvious – he goes straight from this Dementor attack to suddenly having to hide from Umbridge. It’s the scene where they’re most on the edge of jeopardy, and Scorpius was shaking and tense and visibly terrified throughout, but he makes it. He’s stronger than his fear, and I feel like that was a big learning moment for James’s version of Scorpius.

Another note from that scene (aside from the movement when Scorpius was facing the Dementor, which was again spectacular), was James’s attention to detail from the books. It’s beautiful to see a real fan inhabiting this world. One of the first things you learn about Dementors in the books is their physical effect – the clamminess of the skin, how they make you shaky and weak – and James brought that out so beautifully. Scorpius wiped his forehead as he stumbled away. His legs looked like they could barely hold him. It brought me back to that original description that we get in book three, and I truly appreciated that.

James Phoon is not a splasher when he gets in the lake. Unlike Jonathan, who does his absolute best to drench the first few rows (with Joe’s willing assistance), he was very restrained. The only tidal wave movement came from the hug, which was one of the first bits of interaction I saw between Albus and Scorpius. I’m not really sure if I have a way of describing James and Joe’s Albus and Scorpius friendship aside from that it just worked? It was a seamless relationship, full of just the right amount of judgement, love, and honesty. Joe did a great job of supporting James throughout Part Two, and his role in things was quiet, consistent competence. I imagine that I’d have more to say about impressions of their friendship if I’d seen Part One too – that’s where it’s really established and shines through. Part Two is so much more about jeopardy and building on what’s already been laid down.

Up until the moment when Scorpius came out of the lake I hadn’t seen James’s version as particularly flaily or joyous, but when the adults first came onstage, that was when the sun came out. There was the true joy of Scorpius seeing Harry, Ginny, and Professor McGonagall again. And then there was the first real interaction in the show between Scorpius and his dad. Scorpius’s part of it got more sheepish as it went along, until he was muttering ‘hi, Dad’ almost in shame. James Howard allowed himself a big grin before saying ‘hello, Scorpius’, that was just Draco enough to be counted as in character, but still seemed like a personal reaction to getting to greet James Phoon as Scorpius for the first time. It was a really sweet little moment.

I was excited to see what James brought to the dorm scene. What I was not prepared for was the most intense feels ever. As he ducked down at the foot of the bed (the second time he says Albus’s name), he said ‘ Alboos?’ just the way Samuel used to, and I was not prepared for that sort of emotional attack. Then, when he got back to the bed, I could see him preparing the blanket to drape around himself for ‘bring back Mouldy Voldy and have him torture me’, and he did not disappoint.

One of my favourite things about both the big second covers that we’ve seen – Rosemary and James – were those moments where their cover journey came shining through. With Rosemary there were little bits of Noma and Rakie and Nicola and Franc scattered throughout the performance. With James there were bits of Samuel and Jonathan, even a cheeky little bit of Anthony, and it just highlighted the work and time and observation that had gone into the performance.

The other great part of the dorm scene was the final grand statement of ‘it’s time that Time-Turning became a thing of the past’. There was a little bit of pompousness to James’s Scorpius, and that was used to the most brilliant effect during this line. He straightened his back, presented the Time-Turner away from him, and said the line with such ridiculous grandeur that Albus instantly despaired of him. It was one of the most extra versions of that line I’ve ever seen.

In the Owlery scene, the pompous feeling really came to the fore. James’s Scorpius was very much a Malfoy. He had confidence in himself and in his knowledge. Whereas others have been constantly insecure and unsure of themselves, James’s Scorpius really wasn’t. He knew himself, he was happy with himself, and he knew all the proper ways of doing things – the right spells to use, the right way to destroy a Time-Turner, the theories of how to go about deciding what to do with the Time-Turner – and he was very willing to share that knowledge with Albus. It became a bit of a lecture, in this lovely way. I could imagine Scorpius sitting in the library with Albus and lecturing him on the correct way to write about Transfiguration, for example, and Albus nodding along but ultimately ignoring him and going down his own crazy path.

I don’t know why, but I vividly remember Scorpius’s first scream of pain when Delphi made her Fulgari spell burn the boys’ wrists. My immediate thought was ‘this is going to be a good torture scene. I’m looking forward to this’.

One of my thoughts throughout Part Two was that it was cool to see James Phoon do all the little tricks that only Scorpius gets to do, everything from using the Time-Turner through to the Crucio lean. He didn’t go as wild with the Crucios as I was expecting, but I didn’t mind that. His best moments in the Quidditch Pitch scene weren’t the screaming and shouting, they were the quiet, emotionally intense moments when he was sitting on the ground recovering.

This was a Scorpius who was physically vulnerable, balling himself up small, head down, all tense and tight and – again – visibly terrified. I was constantly struck by how much was going on inside him, that was escaping in flickers across his face despite his best efforts to contain it. He didn’t quite have the Malfoy veneer, but he was giving it his best go.

I don’t think I can write this recap without acknowledging the bizarre Craig-ception that went on throughout this act. Every time James was looking at Craig (Josh in this show) my brain couldn’t quite comprehend it. It first happened during the Voldy timeline (I spent most of that scene giggling about how weird it was), and then again in this scene, which had a much more emotional result.

Scorpius looked so devastated at Craig’s death. He deflated. And he turned his back to the audience and just sort of stared at the body for a bit. There were also moments when he curled up on his side and didn’t seem to want to look at anything. Where Jonathan’s Scorpius in this scene becomes a model of defiance, quite literally standing up to Delphi, James’s Scorpius seemed to get smaller. He was still mentally on it though, questioning Delphi about the prophecy, and I liked how Scorpius and Albus seemed on a level footing in this scene. They felt very together, which carried through into the maze, where they were working as a pair to try and snap Delphi’s magical hold over them.

I vividly remember Scorpius’s reaction to Delphi breaking the Time-Turner. He collapsed right onto the ground, crouching, almost sitting among the shards. There’s something so innocent and desperate about Scorpius sitting in the middle of all that destruction, just staring at it. Albus came over and put a hand on his shoulder to encourage him to his feet.

That little scene also includes one of my favourite echoes in the play. Albus points out to Scorpius that Hogwarts still looks the same, and it’s the one moment where Albus takes courage and hope from Hogwarts but Scorpius doesn’t or can’t. Albus sees Hogwarts through Scorpius’s eyes again, and Scorpius looks too but is practical enough to pull them away, because they can’t be seen there. But that one moment where Albus sees the castle as a potential safe haven is so beautiful and shows such growth.

Act Four

This Act introduced me to my favourite new Scorpius mannerism. James’s Scorpius spent the whole time they were in Godric’s Hollow fiddling with the bottom of the zip on his jacket. It was this constant, nervous little twitch. Most of the time he was just messing with the zip with one hand, but at his most anxious it would be both. There’s something lovely about seeing a classic, clear mannerism like that, at least there was for me. It reminded me of the original handful of Scorpiuses.

There was so much to love in both of James’s Godric’s Hollow scenes. The first is the flailier of the two scenes, and once Scorpius hit peak squeakiness, he never really came back down to earth. In general, James’s Scorpius voice was pretty similar to how he speaks when he’s playing Craig (although perhaps a little less breathy and stuttery). It was pretty standard as Scorpius voices go. But boy could he flail and squeak when he wanted to, and when he did it was utterly glorious. When Lily and James came out of their house for the first time, Scorpius was still so excited about Bathilda Bagshot that Albus had to drag him into cover. Also, he gave the pedant in me a gift, because he said ‘my geekness is a-quivering’, not ‘my geekiness’. I haven’t heard that line said correctly in almost a year, and I was delighted.

In the second of the Godric’s Hollow scenes, Scorpius ended up crouching down right next to Albus for the initial part of their chat. I seem to remember this occasionally happening with Samuel and Theo, and I forgot how intimate it makes the scene feel. There’s something lovely about the boys being at eye level with each other while they talk about what they’re going to do.

James’s ‘Help!’ shouts were surprisingly simple after Jonathan’s usual antics. He definitely went for them though – you could see all the muscles in his neck as he was shouting – and I love how Joe always tries to match and mock the intensity of Scorpius’s shouts.

The further through the show we got, the more little Samuel influences started to come out. There was another one in the Eureka moment, which reminded me of those final shows with Mackley as Albus where the real fireworks came out. We got the slow, crouching steps towards Albus, pointing with every word as he said ‘in your room, in the present’, and then the explosive celebrations of ‘by Dumbledore, I love it!’ Nothing beats a Scorpius participating in the euphoria of that moment, especially opposite Joe’s Albus (who always goes crazy).

When the boys are hovering around the bed, Scorpius was messing with his zip again and looking suitably anxious about the whole thing. This is probably a good point to mention that it was wonderful to focus on Scorpius during this entire Part Two. It’s so rare that I watch him as intensely as I was on Saturday, and I caught lots of lovely little moments, reactions and expressions, that I wouldn’t normally. In this scene, for example, it was fascinating to watch him hold himself back from stopping Albus climbing onto the bed between his parents, and I’m pretty sure he also glanced back either at Albus or at the blanket as he ran off towards the opposite side of the stage. There’s always so much to watch in this play, and I find that I don’t notice that I’m not watching half of it until something changes and draws my attention to it. It was one of the things that I most valued about this performance, how it opened my eyes to Scorpius again.

Everyone loves a Draco and Scorpius hug. I don’t know about anyone else in the theatre, but I for one was so excited about this particular moment that I sat up a bit in my seat in anticipation. It really didn’t disappoint, and it was a strong contrast to what Jonathan normally gives us. Jonathan has taken to running away from Draco (ever since that one show where James McGregor’s Draco terrified Scorpius so much that he had to be coaxed out of the wings), and obviously this year we’ve had the new blocking that means Draco is the one closing the distance between himself and Scorpius. So it was refreshing to see a lovely halfway house between the old and new blocking.

Draco took a few steps towards Scorpius as Scorpius ran at him, then they both ground to a halt and Scorpius deflated, terrified and worried he’d gone too far. Finally Draco delivered his ‘we can hug too’, and Scorpius threw himself into his dad’s arms with all the joy in the world. They were still in their corner of the stage – as in the new blocking – but James brought to the table the way Scorpius used to close the gap, and it became a wonderful, mutual movement towards one another. It’s been a long time since I saw such a joyous version of that hug.

It didn’t stop there either. James Howard did his usual routine of putting a hand on Scorpius’s shoulder and encouraging him to breathe and calm down, but James Phoon responded by having Scorpius put his hand on the underside of Draco’s arm, so they were both holding onto each other. It was such a light, gentle gesture, but it spoke volumes. Once Scorpius had made that initial contact with his dad, he didn’t want to let go.

Some little things from the scenes in St Jerome’s. James Phoon’s Scorpius is genuinely up for volunteering to be Voldemort (compared to Jonathan, whose line about drawing lots is a bid for peace), and that made Albus’s volunteering feel more heartfelt too. Scorpius and Albus caught each other’s eye and had a very brief silent conversation when the adults were talking about transfiguring Harry. When Scorpius and Hermione said ‘you’re not wrong’ together, Draco looked at his son with genuine pride – it was beautiful. In fact, I remember Draco spending a lot of time looking proud of Scorpius in this performance. Sometimes Draco just glows with his love for his son.

During the battle, Scorpius was placed right against the door. It felt like he was a little further from Draco than he usually is, and this was another of those scared Scorpius moments. At the end of the battle, Albus and Scorpius sometimes share a spontaneous hug, which didn’t happen in this performance, but I did see Albus looking around and watching Scorpius to make sure he was okay while the battle was still going on. Albus knew exactly where Scorpius was the whole time, and the second danger was past, he was next to him in a heartbeat.

I was wondering whether we’d get another little Samuel thing at the end of the battle, and we didn’t quite, but what we did get was absolutely fascinating. For those who don’t know, Draco picks up Delphi’s wand when she’s disarmed, and for a long time he’s been handing it to Scorpius to look after once the battle is over. Jonathan just pockets it, but Samuel used to hold it across his palms and stare at it like it was an object of terrifying evil. When James’s Scorpius got it he held it loosely in one hand. It mirrored the way the adults (and Albus) were holding their wands, but while theirs were straight, directly pointed at Delphi, Scorpius’s wasn’t. It was in a position where it could be a threat, but wasn’t quite.

At first I thought it was weird for Scorpius to be using Delphi’s wand for his own – he’s the only person in the scene without a wand to fight with – but then I realised that there was actually something poetic about Scorpius taking the wand that had tortured him and turning it back on the person who’d literally taken him to hell and back. There was also the fact that after everyone else put their wands away (when Harry says they’re not going to kill Delphi), he kept holding his. He’s the last person in the scene holding power over Delphi, and for all his fear and pain, he didn’t drop his guard for a second. It’s a testament to his inner strength and resilience that he could keep fighting, keep his defences, keep holding the source of his own torture as his own weapon, and quietly, secretly, protect everyone around him. I think that’s become one of my favourite moments of the evening, even though it was one that required a little bit more thought – that seems to always be the way with this show, particularly with Cast Three.

And then we got a stark reminder that although James’s Scorpius has that resilience and inner strength, he would far rather be protected. If his dad is there to look after him, he’ll take that option over anything else, and who can blame him? It’s impossible to be strong all the time.

After James’s death, Scorpius already had his face buried in his dad’s chest, and Draco was already rubbing his back to comfort him. It took everything in him to emerge enough to see Lily’s death, and when that happened he broke down and clung to his dad as Draco stroked his hair. Maybe it’s because I’m used to seeing such a tall Scorpius at the moment, but James looked especially small in this scene. Scorpius seemed to fit so well in his dad’s arms. And I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Scorpius so in need of physical protection in this scene. His dad was his shield. All the fear broke through his walls and he was shaking and unable to watch – everything he’d been keeping inside for the entirety of the two acts burst out, but it was okay because this time there was someone to take care of him.

Scorpius is so obsessed with showing his dad how brave he is that to break down like that takes a huge act of faith, and it shows the transformation of his and Draco’s relationship in such a short space of time. After everything, he must finally trust that his dad knows how brave he is. After all, someone can be exceptionally brave and exceptionally scared all at once, and I think James’s Scorpius exemplifies that more than any other. There were no additional heroics to his portrayal, Scorpius was just surviving, and sometimes that’s the bravest and most defiant thing a person can do.

The penultimate scene was a thing of joy. Flaily Scorpius was back and flailier than ever. He was melting against the bannister, sighing over Rose (which is hear was basically what he did whenever she was around or mentioned throughout the entirety of the play). He also had great fun teasing Albus. The funniest little thing that I’ve never seen before was Scorpius miming being an old lady with a walking stick when he talked about the new potions professor. I always assumed she was just a bit older than Delphi had been – maybe early 30s – but the idea that she’s actually elderly was a hilarious revelation. I would love to see someone get to take this idea and run with it. I should also mention that when Albus shoved Scorpius towards Rose he fell a couple of steps down the stairs before catching himself.

Which brings me onto the final hug. It was drawn out, heartfelt, and just downright beautiful. For a while now, Joe has been having Albus melt into the hug for a few seconds before remembering where he is and what he’s doing and shoving Scorpius away. It was like that with this one, and the fact that James’s Scorpius was relatively short meant that the two of them fit together perfectly. There were several long, blissful seconds before they parted, and when they did, Scorpius seemed particularly unsure about the version of them he had in his head. He was almost waiting for Albus’s approval of his imagination. Which of course Albus gave by way of teasing, and Scorpius ultimately bounced off the stage in happiness.

The curtain call really summed up the day. James was beaming and seemed to be drinking in every second of the experience – it must feel good to be on the front line to receive one of those standing ovations. Next to him, James Howard was glowing with pride, and at one point he reached over to squeeze James’s shoulder. It was a fitting end, one of love, happiness, and pride. That was really what the whole day was about: a celebration of a brilliant, talented, hardworking member of the cast who was finally getting his moment to shine.

#Harry Potter and the Cursed Child #Cursed Child #Scorpius Malfoy #James Phoon #hpplayldn #Albus Severus Potter #Draco Malfoy #Scorbus #Keep The Secrets #Notes from the show #Malfoy family feels #honestly I couldn't be more delighted that I got to write this recap #I had to ditch my dad's birthday dinner to be in that theatre #and honestly it was so worth it #I wouldn't have missed it for the world #I can't think of anyone more deserving of that chance to shine #and if this doesn't convince the powers that be to give more covers a chance then nothing will #he could not have been more spectacular

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