#no one ever expects much of me anymore | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

chrisbangs · 2 years ago

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kinda nuts how my parents talk to every one of my cousins with so much love and pride...

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lazylittledragon · 4 months ago

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ok i swear i'm not going to talk about my breakup forever but the thing that just keeps bothering me:

i know that not getting what you need in a relationship is a COMPLETELY valid reason to end it but also. i feel like having a very vulnerable moment where i opened up about my struggles with intimacy and being relieved that i didn't have to keep doing things i wasn't comfortable with, then being dumped a YEAR later because of my lack of intimacy. is something i should be allowed to be very hurt by???

#ramble #sorry i'm currently in a phase of 'of course this happened' and 'oh i deserve this because i didn't give him what he wanted'#like he knew i was grey ace since the start. and he let it go on for SO long after i said i might be vaguely aro as well #if that's a dealbreaker for you bc of your love language then FINE but NIP IT IN THE BUD #he said he put it off because he didn't want to hurt my feelings but it only hurt me MORE #like you're an adult. grow the fuck up and communicate like one #holding your negative feelings in hoping somebody notices you're hiding them is what TEENAGERS do #and also i told him VERBATIM: i didn't think anyone would ever love me because i'm not comfortable with xyz. and he just confirmed that #idk i still feel like i'm being selfish because how could i expect someone to be in a relationship with me when i can't give them anything #also tmi but it's not like we did NOTHING. we still held hands/cuddled/were close. he just didn't have his tongue down my throat anymore #so obviously i'm assuming by 'missing affection' he just meant sex and as an ace person that just fucking sucks #also oh my god i HATED how much he would imply we were going to have sex. i would have to keep SAYING 'i don't like doing this'#he always spoke like it was inevitably going to happen and it didn't click how GROSS i felt about it until recently #also ALSO not to go there but i never told him WHY i struggle with it (it's sensory issues)#and like. what if something had happened to me that made it hard for me and i just wasn't ready to tell him. and then he did this #again sorry to overshare this is still just a lot for me and i have no idea if i'm being unreasonable #if you're ace and in a relationship please let me know bc i'm starting to think it'll end this way every single time

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luck-of-the-drawings · 8 months ago

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[<==PREV PAGES] [NEXT PAGE==>(not out yet.wait a year.or maybe more.imagine.]

saw alot of comments on prev pages; saying 'i HATE that mean teacher! im gonna FIGHT HIM!!' & i LOVE the energy!! it WOULD be nice. to have that catharsis. but the story of young tidestrider is Not one of catharsis. it is a story of being so small and so special and sucking so bad.

#jrwi fanart #jrwi show #jrwi riptide #gillion tidestrider #GONNA START FORMATTING MY COMICS BETTER. W THE PROPER 'PREV' 'NEXT' LINKS #REALLY DIDNT EXPECT TO CONTINUE THIS SERIES BUT AAAUUUHH MY BRRAAAIN MY BRAIN IS SO IDEASSS. I HAVE 3 OTHER PAGES SKETCHED OUT #NO PROMISES ILL FINISH EM ANY TIME SOON OR EVER. MY WHIMS ARE THEIR OWN BEAST AND I ONLY DRAW ON MY WHIMS #THAT BEING SAID IF U COMMISSIONED ME ILL GEEETT TO YOUUU IM SORRYYYY. ART IS AN EMOTIONAL RELEASE FOR ME N BABY I HAVE EMOTIONS.#ESPECIALLY ABOUT GILLION TIDESTRIDER CHAMPION OF THE UNDERSEA HERO OF THE DEEP.for the desc here i put smth that i typed up in the tags of #another thing i made. i gotta make a proper Baby Gillion tag or smth. eventually.. eventually...I LOVE DRAWIN THIS LIL BABY GUY..#i also LOVE depicting the teachers as just being so fuckin mean. ofc theres variation in that. just like in all things.like the teacher her #idk if itll be mentioned but the octo lady is named Ms Octburn.an octopus pun based off the name of an actual councilor i had #when i was in elementary school i got bullied alot but teachers never did anything. i hated adults and didnt trust them.#but this councilor o mine was so genuinely sweet. i remember spending alot of time w her. she doesnt work there anymore.#but that one school adult that actually earns ur trust and is there for you when they can be.its SO important for a child i think #i hope she knows how much she helped me.youll see in the next page that ms octburn isnt perfect either.but she tries. they all try.somehow.#ALL these comics are gonna be inspired by somesorta experience o mine in the school system. school is so fucked up u ever thing abt that #AND GILLIOOOOONNN IN THE MOST FUCKED UP LITTLE SCHOOL OF ALL. MAINTAINED BY A CULT. CENTERED AROUND HIM. OUR CHOSEN ONE #I IMAGINE ALOT BANKS ON HIS SUCCESS. THIS IS THE WORLD. THE WHOLE WORLD. THE PROPHECY IS GOING TO COME TRUE N UR TELLIN ME #THAT ITS THIS LITTLE IDIOT THATS GONNA BE SAVING US? WHAT IF HE FAILS. IF HE CANT GET THIS RIGHT THEN HE WILL FAIL AND WE WILL DIE #WE NEED TO TRAIN HIM. WE NEED HIM TO LEARN. AND TO SUCCEED. OR ELSE WE'RE DEAD. WE'RE ALL FUCKING DEAD. I IMAGINE THAT MUST BE STRESSFUL #in other news i hope ppl actually giggle when they read these. they ARE intended to be comical. dark humor or whatever. like its also sad #this is intended to be a sad comic series. but a funny one too. does that make sense? god i hope so.saw some1 say they had flashbacks-#-reading this. like YES!! THE INTENDED EFFECT!! YOU GET ME!! i love seeing ppl get upset on this lil baby boys behalf. i LOVE seeing ppl-#-wail n weep n cry in the comments. i LOOOVE seeing ppl RELATE to baby gillion. and i love letting u all know that this wont be a happycomi #gillion gets his happiness arc in the actual show. this series is one of unfortunate events. teehehehe. do u guys remember that show #i keep listening to the lil songs from A Series of Unfortunate Events for inspiration. GOOD STUFF!!#anyway uuhh uhh thats all i got in my brain. for now. feed me ur comments give me ur input i NNEEEEEDD THHEEEMMMM

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phagodyke · 1 month ago

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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍

#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man #thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking #mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they #dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done #listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life #i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this #once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i #dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this #ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be #i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about #how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being #given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out #entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please #its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have #to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once #and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general #feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this #but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is #i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired #i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if #i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore #i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr #and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning #my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better #it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood #my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it #cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen #.vent #ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.

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ghostbeam · 5 months ago

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Fwb with Oliver who expects he’ll have to break things off once you get too attached but it’s worth it for a little fun except u never get too attached in fact ur the one who has to tell him it’s over bc he’s gotten too clingy

#I’m thinking I’m having thoughts #my avoidant attachment comes out soooo full force w bllk men it’s crazy #but anyways…..u meet u hook up once #u think it’ll be a one time thing which ur cool with #but the Oliver proposes u make it a regular thing #it’s too good u get real slutty (and so does he) he’s not satisfied with one time #probably does some cheesy don’t fall in love w me speech #but u know what this is #except at some point lines start blurring #and Oliver starts to come over without even looking to have sex #he just wants ur company watch a movie order food #boyfriend things #except Oliver is not boyfriend material and he doesn’t think he’ll ever be #and while he knows he maybe should stop it #he can’t #cause he likes u #and maybe it has to end but he wants to keep it going as long as he can #until one day ur asking him to meet up #and telling him u don’t think it’s a good idea to keep hooking up #and the truth is ur falling for him #and u know he might be feeling the same way #but u tell him that u think he’s treating u too much like a girlfriend #u lay out the facts #he has no choice but to agree #he knew it was coming he just didn’t expect for u to be the one to break it to him #but now he can’t sleep bc he can’t call u before bed #and every time he hears your favorite song ur all he thinks about #and sometimes he picks up snacks u like when he’s out for when u come over but u don’t come over anymore #he’s never been so torn up about someone in his life #omg I reached the tag limit bye

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satoumafuyuss · 1 year ago

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shes just like me fr 💚

#i love nene sm shes sooooo <3333 #i also made the bg purple not only cause her eyes but also i love ruinene #nene kusanagi #project sekai #proseka #prsk fa #kusanagi nene #will the day ever come where i admit nene is also one of my top faves?#who knows #for now shes just in my faves list #i love her sm tho #yknow its bad when youre listening to her vas songs and not just her in game songs #also oh my god i kinda hated this when i was sketching it but it turned out way better than i expected so yeah trust the process or whateve #nillyart #also also i feel like ive gotten SO MUCH BETTER AT FANART THIS YEAR #i used to be so scared of fanart cause oh my god i just could not draw other peoples characters but omg look at me now!!!!#i think it also helps i dont care as much about canon anymore like no im gonna draw them how they look in my head thankies #typically that is close to canon tho #unless its love live or proseka characters i like to darken their skin cause oh my god <3 they are SO PALE #like girl i barely go outside and IM STILL DARKER THAN YOU #IM SO WHITE #IM 90% IRISH!!!!!#nillyfanart

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osarina · 9 months ago

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there is nothing more heartbreaking as an older sister for your younger brother to call you at 3:30 am drunk and crying because there’s too much pressure on him and too many high expectations that he feels like he’s not living up to and not being able to do anything about it 🥲

#like i’ve been there 🥲 i’m STILL there tbh 🥲 and it makes me so sad that he’s dealing with all of the same stuff that i have to #our parents have always expected so much out of us it’s so suffocating sometimes #and i just feel so shitty bc i don’t know how to help because you know ?? no one ever helped me like #i can tell him the things i wished ppl told me back then but i know it won’t help #not really #and he was crying because he has no one to talk to about it because his friends & frat brothers don’t get it and just blow it off #and he was like ‘i just didn’t know who else to call i just can’t keep it all in anymore’ 🥲#like how am i not supposed to cry bro #begged me not to tell my parents or our younger sibling because he doesn’t want to disappoint them #i’m just so 🥲

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fitpacs · 6 months ago

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,

#i feel so helpless when i see people being so down on themselves #the community is definitely smaller now and i get why but for those that remain and continue to create #to think that it’s something they’re doing wrong - IT ABSOLUTELY ISN’T #and i wish i could do something to make everyone believe that #i wanna hug everyone and tell them how bright they still make this community - or what remains of it - still so cosy and lovely #whether it’s someone i don’t know in the tag or one of my friends it stings still #this community has some of the most exceptional talent i’ve ever seen -#talent in every form - and as someone that has gone through many fandoms and hate at their creations i tend to not look at numbers anymore #but i get it why people do - i get it SO MUCH #to not get the recognition - it hurts. i get it!#but i’ve learned over time that there are COUNTLESS ‘ghost readers’ or ‘ghost viewers’ that see and appreciate your work but just don’t-#interact with it - i was one of those people up until january this year!#my ao3 was already flooded with qsmp fics before i made this blog and i didn’t have the fitpacs account yet so didn’t leave kudos or anyth #but my point is - i get entirely why it’s easy to get wrapped up #i’ve been there but honestly - you are so appreciated #and i know me saying this makes no difference and i don’t expect to #but i love and appreciate this community with my whole heart #and whether you are someone i speak to a lot or we’ve never spoken at all - thank you for your beautiful creations #it’s a real shame how things went down behind the scenes obviously #but it’s so beautiful that so many people still have such passion to create #and if there is ANYTHING i can do to help build peoples spirits with regards to this please let me know #this community has done so much for me (more than you know) and i really want to give #something back

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blujayonthewing · 2 months ago

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feeblemind should be an attack roll spell instead of a saving throw specifically so I can concoct little scenarios where it misses and hits someone else instead

#it's fun to imagine what your blorbos might be like when hit with feeblemin #but no one's ever gonna waste the 8th level slot targeting someone who isn't a spellcaster #we have a sorcerer and a bard and a cleric why would anyone try feebleminding elyss when that doesn't even stop her from shooting you?#missed 😌#to be fair melliwyk is one of the more exciting possible victims of being feebleminded for angst reasons #but SO much of elyss's interpersonal behavior is a tireless conscious effort to figure out what other people do and expect and emulate that #elyss with 0 int and 0 charisma is VERY physically affectionate suddenly #elyss running on pure base instinct has a lifetime of touch starvation and profound love for her friends and no social inhibitions anymore #IT'S JUST-- this spell has such intriguing implications on a roleplay level but it's designed to fuck primary spellcasters specifically #so everyone else misses out lol #I was thinking about felix and like his whole thing IS that he's clever and analytical #but at the end of the day you don't take any combat mechanics away from him by feebleminding him #so why would you #alas!#about me #my OCs #melliwyk #elyss #felix

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dol-dee · 9 months ago

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Hm I would love to continue Dee's dol journey and play it more but I feel like I’m starting to run out of stuff

#atm I’m mostly thinking about it and not really playing it much anymore #i know there’s still a lot I haven’t done but I hadn’t expected that the content for the LIs would run out so quickly #now tbf I still have Kylar to explore but I’m just not that I to them so their whole.. thing (gestures vaguely) will happen when it happens #actually I’m being unfair I only mean Sydney when I say that #..and Avery #cause I know you can basically romance everyone without consequences but:#i wont ever romance Robin bc I’d like to uphold that personal moral for Dee #Kylar will happen when it happens but I unfortunately didn’t click with them as much as I had hoped #Eden didn’t do much for me < also unfortunately and unexpectedly #im kinda working on Alex but imma be honest the whole farm/wren thing is really tedious #although I’m slowly working on it #and then Whitney…. I’m tempted but also my petty ass doesn’t want to let them win #plus i feel like it would be somewhat ooc for Dee #yeh she doesn’t hate him as much anymore bc there’s bigger fish to deal with now but he hasn’t really changed his behavior at all #again I would be on Whitney if I could retaliate and not let myself be dragged around like a chew toy #dol rambles #ah i forgor the woods and the hawk. so I’ve tried the wolves in one run it was okay but the ongoing 10+ wolf sex encounters tire me out #<not like that

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noblest-roman-of-them-all · 3 months ago

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Contemplating the concept of "potential" when it comes to intelligence and realizing how heartbreaking Logan's "Dreams come true, that's news to me" line in the Crofters Musical.

#screaming into the void #definitely not okay today lads #i'm finding myself grieving my intelligence and contemplating if it was ever there to begin with #when i was younger i excelled in science so everyone assumed that i was a gifted kid despite my very obvious struggles in math and spelling #i was told over and over if i could just apply myself to other subjects the way i did with science #then i would do better in those subjects and reach my full potential #my identity was hung on my intelligence for me by the adults in my life none of them even considering a learning disability #now as an adult it all feels meaningless #especially having been forced into going to college where it was made very quickly and abundantly clear that I wasn't actually gifted #i was just average #that was absolutely devastating to me and it's a thing i struggle with and i want to be angry about it but i dont know how to be #i was told over and over in childhood that i could be anything when i grew up that i could do anything if i just put my mind to it #then recieved little to no actual educational support for any of it especially when i discovered writing #and i dont know if i was never as smart as i was told i was or never even had the potential i was told i had #or if i just didnt have enough support #i dont believe in myself anymore and i dont think i was ever actually believed in by the adults in my life either #i think they would have supported me better if they had #or maybe they just didnt know how to #my dad has wondered and questioned me about where my drive ans passion went and i dont have the heart to tell him that #it evaporated when he told me i wouldn't be successful as a writer when he told me that i would only be successful by going to college #when he constantly questioned everything i did and made me doubt myself over and over again #i dont know how to combat this feeling of worthlessness that comes from feeling lied to about my intelligence as a kid #i dont know how to comfort myself in the face of realizing i probably didnt have all then potential i was promised i had #and even if i did at one point have it i lacked the support necessary to nuture and grow it #how does one grieve being promised the world only to find out that was never truly an option?#how does one become comfortable with learning and growing again when it's been made to feel unsafe #and a threat to their frail sense of identity?#how does one find peace and contentment in an ordinary life when they were promised so much more?#not just promised so much more but expected to be so much more and now feel the weight of expectation on them?#i feel like i was promised the world and told that it would be easy to conquer and when it wasnt it was due to my own fault and failings

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rosicheeks · 4 months ago

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I hope your days aren't as heavy and dark, I am sending all the positive thoughts your way. You deserve the best, fairy princess. <3

😭

#I’ve been getting such sweet asks #I can’t tell you how much they mean to me right now #unfortunately my days have been pretty dark and overwhelming #struggling more than I ever have before tbh #and I’ve struggled most of my life so that’s saying something #also tried to go on TikTok for a little bit and oh BOY that was a bad decision #I might come back sometime soon #it’s just hard when my meds and everything have been making me very sex repulsed 😬#and half of the posts on my feed are very sexy related lol #so I guess that’s probably the main reason I haven’t been on here as much as I used to #also really don’t have the energy to reply or talk to people anymore #(sorry to anyone who has tried to DM me or contact me in any way -#I’ve barely been able to get out of bed so I definitely don’t have the energy to reply to people)#fun fact I went on TikTok finally cause everyone keeps talking about it #somehow ended up on the abortion debate side of TikTok???? so I kept seeing these bullshit debates #the final straw was the other day I saw some dipshit put as their claim ‘prochoice is a mental illness’#don’t even get me started on that it makes me so made I start to shake #I’m sorry but that is so offensive to people who are struggling with real mental illnesses???#went up as a guest (surprisingly) and was trying to explain how ridiculous that statement was and one of the people literally said #‘this is not a safe space’#lol ok byeeeee #obviously not expecting every where to be a safe space but for someone to literally SAY that is wild to me #I always try to keep a safe space no matter who I’m talking to or what about #that still is bothering me so so much #main reason why I’m still on there is cause I love this creator and want to support her as much as possible #but idk how much longer I can be on there… was even thinking about trying to post and make money over there #but ha ha ha guess not #back to square one #I’m running out of space as always but thank you so so so much for the kind words they mean the world to me!! also FAIRY princess???#I’ve never heard that before 🥹🥹🥹 thank you thank you thank you wishing you a lovely day 🫶

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casiavium · 1 year ago

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All of these "who has more anything gender!" polls are just. white man without extreme body builder muscles v white man without extreme body builder muscles. The gender is "masculine" stop pretending it's universal

#even worse is when it's 'tradionally feminine' v 'traditionally masculine (without super ripped muscles' and the notes are all #she's the opposite of gender he's THE only gender ever.#'gender' isn't even androgynous anymore it's just some guy #vent post #idk I'm just kind of 😬 about people not seeing binary girl or even predominantly feminine as 'gender' whatever the fuck that means #you like androgyny when it's on twinks but don't think the butch lesbian that only calls herself a woman is 'gender' huh #and something about genderfluid characters only ever being accepted when they're in their 'not cis' presentation (cough ze l da)#like..i consider myself genderfluid and sometimes have guy-adjacent euphoria days #(still think about everyone who he/hims me when I cosplay Link ❤️)#but... I get just as much when I'm wearing what's 'expected' of me like skirts and dresses and makeup and am seen as a girl #because a lot of times growing up i wasn't really included in the girl stuff but was still too girl for the boy things :/#and I feel like. everything focuses on the andro of androgynous that they forget androgynous doesn't mean vaguely fem guy #it's like. shiek is winning the gender poll. but zelda wouldn't. even though they're the same person and one doesn't exist without the other #nonbinary but the binary isn't girl-boy it's trans-cis #nice dichotomy idiot #what lies outside of it

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redrattlers · 6 months ago

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feeling so emotional after the most fun wonderful and healing weekend 🥹

#i say weekend but it’s more the last couple days #slowly starting to process luke’s show on thursday and truly just feeling so much #the songs i hadn’t heard at boston calling were coincidentally the ones i was the most excited to hear and ahhh it was incredible #like place in me and comedown and i’m still your boy #i have no words #also!! motion!!#i did not expect to leave that show and have motion be one of my favourite moment of the night #it had been so long since i had so much fun in a crowd everyone was so hype<3 #the pure joy i felt in that moment and how that was reciprocated by the people around me #priceless #starting line<3 still can’t believe i got to hear my favourite song in the world<3 #fun fact i went to the show with my mom after my friend couldn’t go anymore #her coming to my rescue when i was starting to have doubts about going alone<3 #and she loved it so much 😭#guys i love my mom #we made a whole weekend out of it and it was so nice #when i say this whole experience was so healing that’s part of it #to like have this much fun and to share that with my mom meant so much more to me than i realized #she knows wfttwtaf well and it was so cute to see her excited when she recognized a song 😭#also experiencing mum with my mom was indescribable #i just hugged her the whole time and kinda blacked out actually #so yeah!!!! this show turned out to be so much more than i could ever imagined #super happy with my experience with this tour and choosing to do boston calling and a show too #i can’t even talk about luke he was so perfect<3 #more thoughts on this later when i reblog things probably

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widevibratobitch · 9 months ago

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moments like this when im really glad im a sad little cynic who always considers the worst possible outcome and never lets herself truly get comfortable and trust the good things in her life to stay there and builds her life around trying to soften the blows of the eventual disappointments just waiting around the corner lol never leaving my edgy teenager era peace and love

#i mean if the alternative is whatever the fuck is going on with my best friend rn then hooooo boy #cancelling therapy immediately i never want to change i wanna keep my trust issues forever and ever if its gonna save me from THIS #is he a dick? kinda. yeah. and a coward because if dude was sure he didnt want it since AUGUST and didnt have the guts to end it till now #actually he didnt end it. she was the one who finally snapped. but we seriously fought twice before because she just woudlnt listen #when i said that girl this isnt gonna work and you trust him too much and you're attachment styles are incompatible as hell #your*#but nvm. the least you could do when a 7 years younger girl who's clearly obsessed with you is breaking up with you #cause she just cant take it anymore. and you can see she's still in love with you because you've been lying to her for half a year.#imo the least you could do at that point is just. dont tell her that jfc. just say you're sorry it didnt work out etc etc #dont fucking tell her you stopped being in love with her in fucking august #and just 'didnt know how to end it' and lied when she asked if everything's alright #like my god. yes ig this would never have happened if she hadn't trusted him so completely and expected love to fix her whole life #but jesus dude. she's not even 23 she has a right to be naive. you're almost 30. you DONT get to be a man child anymore #christ. okay.#anyway i wish i could help her but telling her to 'trust less' and 'never truly rely on other people' sounds horrible and cringe and edgy af #but i genuinely dont have any other advice #like babygirl im sorry but your bestie is a piece of human garbage and she's doing the best she can but her best is Not Much alas

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gregmarriage · 9 months ago

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me as a kid being like ‘i wanna stay home all day and do whatever i want!’ and adult me being chronically ill, disabled and bed ridden ✌🏻

#like be careful what you wish for kid #sisters to me at 2020 new year’s being all ‘i just want something interesting to happen!!’#i think you can see where this is going #like yeah something ‘interesting’ did happen #a global pandemic happened and you got really sick and hospitalised multiple times #more times than you ever have in your life #august isn’t just my birthday month anymore #it’s also the anniversary of being getting hospitalised for the first time and all the horrible shit starting up #which is fun #like i’m turning 25 this year and then like 3 days later: trauma time!!!#it’s been four years this year #actually quite sickening #four years ago i was physically healthy #this shit really does just come out of nowhere sometimes and completely changes your life and you just have to deal with it #because you can’t change it no matter how much you might wish for it #all the people thinking they’d never get disabled #neither did i #no one expects to be 21 and stuck in a hospital bed #i’ve blacked out most of that time #like i genuinely don’t remember most of my 20s #even the non traumatic stuff #my brain just decided to get rid of it #and i can’t tell if my personality is bred from trauma or just bc i’m in my 20s now #it’s so hard to work out #bc i’m unsure if ppl who knew me before would even recognise me #have i changed or am completely the same?#i suppose being recently manic has left me questioning a lot of things #i’m basically revisiting a lot of stuff in an attempt to better cope and understand my triggers etc so i can better deal with the next one #honestly my brain has blacked so much out i don’t even remember having manic episodes #even tho i basically know i did

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