#my identity was hung on my intelligence for me by the adults in my life none of them even considering a learning disability

[noblest-roman-of-them-all]

Contemplating the concept of "potential" when it comes to intelligence and realizing how heartbreaking Logan's "Dreams come true, that's news to me" line in the Crofters Musical.

[amygdalagustd]

Kim Namjoon on Identity

Namjoon explores the concept of identity time and time again in his life and in his music. He tends to focus on how different parts of himself might be in conflict with each other, and the tensions and confusion that goes with that experience. People are filled with duality, sometimes to the point that it tears us apart. The question of “who am I?” seems a simple one, but underneath it lies a lot of complexity. Who do I want to be? Who do other people want me to be? How much of my identity is formed by my past? Can I change who I am? Can I be multiple things at the same time? Who is the real me? What does it even mean to be the real me?

The question of “who am I?” seems to both fascinate and terrify Namjoon. In this essay we will tackle the question together as I explore all the different ways that Namjoon contemplates identity in lyrics and interviews.

From his decision to become a rapper in the first place to the struggle of taking care of himself as a world famous idol to the questioning of what having an identity actually means, we will travel through Namjoon’s career and highlight all the moments that he asks himself:

“Who the hell am I?”

It’s no secret that Namjoon was a very intelligent and driven student who got good grades in school. In his earlier lyrics he often writes about the pressure that was put on him to succeed and follow a certain path in life. As someone who was good at studying it was expected of him to prioritize his education above all else. Namjoon fit into that role well, but behind the scenes his heart was longing for music. He discovered rap and decided that he wanted a different path for his life. BTS’s early work is filled with messages of following your dreams and not letting other people decide what type of life you want to live. Namjoon often talked about the struggles of living in between the expectations of those around him and his own desires for his future. Some of those conflicting feelings are expressed in Voice, the intro song to his 2015 mixtape RM:

Straight A student and underground rapper

I occupied myself all day with being graded with meaningless numbers like beef gets graded

I just wanted to succeed

because that’s the only thing I was told by others so much that I almost got sick of it

The mirage called happiness- I thought it would be held there

But, sitting at my desk, I was never happy, not for a single moment

I secretly hid a blank sheet of paper between the pages of my study book without my mom’s knowing

My identity that I wrote down along the sound of drums and bass

The feeling of breathing that is different from that of receiving grade reports

Even when I was the top of my class, my mind was never at ease

Is it absolutely necessary to want something that others want?

I secretly raise the volume of my voice

so that you can know, so that it can reach you

I again raise the volume of my voice

so that you can know, so that it can reach you

He also touches on the subject in Born Singer, which was released in 2013:

To be honest, I was scared that I was to prove myself after talking big

that I, who used to know only pen and book, was then to surprise the world

I dunno, that I and the world’s expectations are too asymmetric,

I was scared that I might betray everyone who trusted me

I stretch my burdened shoulders and step onto the very first stage

BTS and Namjoon will continue to talk about the pressure of society's expectations and the difficulty of following your own path in songs like No More Dream, N.O and School of Tears. Fighting back against the oppressive school system is a huge part of their message and mission in their early career. They ask their fans and themselves to look at the person that they are expected to become and question if that image is in line with their own dreams and desires. Namjoon wrestled with this question himself, and therefore has the experience and passion to guide others who might be struggling with their identity and the identity that is put on them.

Idol and artist

The concept of being an idol vs being an artist is one that comes back often in BTS lyrics. Namjoon is an underground rapper who ended up in a boyband, and the identity of being an idol is one that he has wrestled with quite a bit. Can you be both an idol and an artist? Does becoming an idol mean that you have to give up on being an artist? Does it matter if you call yourself an idol or an artist? Does it matter what other people say about it?

Namjoon mentions this conflicting identity in Awakening on his 2015 mixtape RM:

Every night I fight myself inside me

My heart pounds, and my colleagues stab me in the back

saying I became a cripple after going into a company

Yeah fuck you I’m an idol, yeah yeah i’m an idol

I hated it at one time but now I love to get that title

Unlike some keep denying [their identity] to the end on television,

I now fully accept myself, and I just do me

Whether I’m an idol or an artist- it actually never mattered

The way you guys look at me was what defined me

I was obsessed over titles and hung up on how people described me

Listen to the rap of the guy who became a bit smarter as time passed

Namjoon gets shit for being an idol from the underground rap scene and gets shit for being an artist from the idol scene. He is hovering in between, writing his rap lyrics with the power and authenticity of a hip hop artist while simultaneously dancing and looking like a full fledged boyband member. He responds to this dilemma with unwavering pride, the drive to prove himself and a fuck you attitude. This energy dominates a lot of early BTS music. They are still trying to find their place in the industry while not really knowing where exactly they belong. Songs like the Cyphers and Mic Drop highlight the anger they feel about the mistreatment they face from both sides of the industry while boasting about their accomplishments and pride in who they are. Just like Namjoon in Awakening, Yoongi also often mentions his struggles with the identity of being an idol in his solo work. In Idol, the title track of the 2018 album Love Yourself: Answer, BTS face the subject head on:

You can call me artist

You can call me idol

Or you can call me anything else

I don’t care

I’m proud of it

I’m free

No more irony

Because I’ve been me all the time

You can point your fingers at me, I don’t care at all

Whatever reason you have to denigrate me,

I know what I am

I know what I want

I never gon’ change

I never gon’ trade

Why do you talk loud “blah blah”

I do what I do, so mind your own business

You can’t stop me loving’ myself

Idol is a proud, joyful, wonderfully weird and confident self love anthem. It’s a celebration of who BTS are at their core. In the song, they have accepted all the different aspects of their identity and they don’t feel the need to fit in with just one label. In the future, they will go on to say that BTS’s genre is just BTS, and they see no point in categorizing themselves.

RM and Namjoon

In 2018, BTS released a documentary series called Burn The Stage. The series followed them throughout the Wings tour and was supposed to show a more raw version of them.

In episode 6, Namjoon said:

Being an idol star, you don’t have a choice but to have two identities. I invested a lot in my identity as BTS and RM, and this is really a dilemma. We need to find ways to overcome this, and I’m trying different things. I study, I read books. I need time to be wholly me, the original me that I know.

Everyone in BTS has a stage name, a person they become when they present themselves in front of their fans. On stage Namjoon is RM, a fierce and confident rapper, a powerful and charming performer, a dependable leader and someone who lives a fiery and intense life.

Behind the scenes, Namjoon is Namjoon, a man in his twenties who is trying to figure out how to be an adult just like everyone else. He likes to go on bike rides, take care of plants, go to museums, read books and spend time in nature. He gets lazy and reads webtunes for 5 hours straight and sometimes argues with the people around him because they annoy him.

Namjoon spends the years of his youth as part of BTS, in the public eye, and sometimes that causes tension between these different parts of himself; the stage persona and the private person. In Break The Silence: The Movie which came out in 2020, there was a lot of talk about identity. During one of Namjoon’s segments he said:

There is also the fear of how well I’m taking care of myself, the Kim Namjoon as a person. Aside from money, fame, and a sense of calling, what do I really have? When you have those things all other things start to feel really valuable. Those who don’t have them would find them really special. I think it’s a repetition of that, so for me, there is a fear about whether I’m faithfully living the story of my life to the fullest.

He also mentions this dilemma in Airplane pt.2 on the 2018 album Love Yourself: Tear where the lyrics go:

Who should I live as today, Kim Namjoon or RM?

25, I still don’t know how to live well

For Namjoon and anyone in BTS, there is no simple answer to this question, as the nature of their job puts them in a position that makes it hard for them to develop a sense of self outside of the work they are doing. Even though Namjoon is part of an incredibly successful band, that doesn't mean he got it all figured out. As he has poured his youth and his energy into becoming the best performer he can be, he now feels like the Kim Namjoon behind the scenes deserves some energy and space to exist too.

Rap Monster and RM

Before Namjoon was RM, Namjoon was Rap Monster, a stage name that he used until November of 2017. The name Rap Monster fits the fierce and somewhat angst-ridden style of music that Namjoon was making in the beginning of his career. He decided to move on from the name in 2017 because it was no longer representative of him and the music that he was making.

In an interview with Entertainment Tonight Namjoon said that RM could stand for many things. He mentioned Real Me as one of the possibilities, but seems to prefer not to pin one specific meaning to the name.

In another interview with J-14 Magazine when asked what kind of advice he would give to himself in 2013, he said:

Hey Namjoon, Don’t name yourself Rap Monster. You’re a human. You’re not a monster. You’re a beautiful human.

Namjoon has often said that one of his missions in life is to love himself. This struggle to love himself often reflects in his lyrics, and now also in his decision to change his stage name, as the old one had some negative connotations to it. Perhaps Namjoons struggle with self acceptance, self worth and self love is one of the reasons that identity is such a big theme for him, as he is trying to figure out how to be a Namjoon that he can love. RM is a stage name that is more aligned with that goal as it leaves more room for flexibility and change.

Map of the Soul

The subject of identity is explored to the fullest in the Map of the Soul era that started with Map of the Soul: Persona in 2019, followed up by Map of the Soul: 7 in 2020.

Map of the Soul is inspired by the ideas of psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung. The words persona, shadow and ego that are used in Map of the Soul come directly from his theory. BTS uses these concepts to examine different parts of themselves and their career over time. A lot of this era feels like a final examination of the question that Namjoon has been asking himself in different ways throughout his entire career: Who am I?

In Intro: Persona, the opener to both albums, Namjoon writes about his journey with identity in the first few lines of the song:

“Who am I,” a question that I’ve been asking myself for my whole life

A question that I will probably never be able to find the right answer for

If I were answerable with only a few words,

God wouldn’t have created all those many beauties

Namjoon realizes that he will probably never have a clear answer to the question of “who am I?” and he accepts that. He recognizes that his identity can’t be summed up by a few words or traits and that this isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes it can feel more secure to build our entire sense of identity around one aspect of ourselves (I am a straight A student, I am an underground rapper) but that puts us in a position without flexibility and without space for growth. As different parts of ourselves clash with each other we end up feeling scattered, unsure of who we are, and angry at ourselves. It’s only when those different parts of ourselves are allowed to co-exist that we can find peace and a true sense of self.

BTS will talk about this idea in other songs too, like in Idol, where Taehyung sings:

There are tens and hundreds of myself within me

Today, I greet my another self

They are all me after all,

so I just run rather than worrying

The notion also comes back in the speech that BTS held for the United Nations in 2018. The final message of that speech was to find your name and find your voice by speaking yourself. There was a lot of talk about losing your identity as a young child in favor of fitting in, and Namjoon encouraged everyone to be their own person and to find their own voice back. Throughout the speech he mentions how he is both an idol and artist, Kim Namjoon and RM, and also just an ordinary 24 year old guy. He is saying that he can be many things at once and strives to love all those different parts of himself at the same time.

In the final verses of Intro: Persona, Namjoon boldly and confidently claims that he is no longer ashamed of the different parts inside of him, writing:

Yeah my name is R

The ‘me’ who I remember and who people know

The ‘me’ who I created by myself to speak my mind

Yeah, I might have been deceiving myself, I might have been lying

But, I’m not ashamed of it, this is the map of my soul

The lyrics continue, focusing on duality, complexity and balance within his identity, accepting the different parts of himself that coexist together even if they clash:

Dear myself

You must never lose your temperature

because you don’t need to be warm or cold

Though I might sometimes pretend I’m good and sometimes pretend I’m evil,

this is the barometer of my direction that I want to set

The ‘me’ who I want to be

The ‘me’ who people want

The ‘me’ who you love

And the ‘me’ who I craft

The ‘me’ who’s smiling

The ‘me’ who’s crying sometimes

Living and breathing every second, every moment, even now

Within these lyrics there is a tone of direction and intent rather than one of being lost and questioning. This tone is very strong throughout the entire Map of the Soul concept, especially in ON, suggesting that maybe “finding” your identity isn’t about anxiously defining every single part of your personality, it’s more about choosing who you want to be and boldly pursuing the world as an incomplete human being. In the end, there is no simple answer to the question of “who am I?” and that’s okay.

All lyrics translations come from Doolset. Visit the website for additional notes and interpretations of BTS lyrics.

[fandom-necromancer]

Time for new Beginnings - 2

This was prompted by a beautiful anon! I hope you like it!

Fandom: Detroit become human | Ship: Reed900 | Characters: Elijah Kamski, Chloe (Warning: mentioned past child abuse) [Part1]

‘Gavin Reed?’

Elijah inhaled sharply. When had he last heard that voice? It felt like an eternity ago. He looked over at Chloe, who smiled at him encouragingly, but just like before, words failed him. What should he say? What could he even say? Would he make things worse by doing the one thing Gavin had told him not to do?

‘Hello?’ Elijah swallowed. Why did his throat felt so dry suddenly? ‘Listen, if you don’t say something soon, I’m gonna hang up.’ ‘Err… hello?’, the CEO of Cyberlife hastily spoke up. He didn’t know if he would manage to call again. ‘Gavin?’ ‘Yes? I’m sorry, who are you? I won’t buy shit, just so you know.’ ‘No, Gavin, it’s me, Elijah.’ There was a sudden silence, then the connection was cut immediately.

Wide eyed, Elijah looked at his phone. ‘He just hung up on me!’ Chloe shrugged. ‘Well, that was to be expected. He fled the house the first opportunity he got, do you think he wouldn’t do the same now?’ ‘You told me to call him!’ ‘I just encouraged you.’ Elijah put the phone down and rubbed at his forehead. ‘And what will you do now?’, his assistant asked teasingly. ‘I have to meet him. In person. This is my chance at apologising. And I know a place where he can’t run away that easily.’

-

Gavin’s day was already ruined. Yes, it was a Monday. Yes, all of his cases had been cleared and it was unlikely another one would come up just today. Yes, he would have to help out the others and do some of his despised office work. But all of that he would have begrudgingly accepted. But no, his perfect, successful, rich asshole of a brother had called him. After what… xy years? Why? Why did he finally decide to get back in contact again? Well, it didn’t matter, Gavin thought to himself as he shut the door behind him with a little too much force. He had cut the call and that would be it. Elijah was intelligent, he would understand that conveyed as much as a hearty “fuck off”.

‘What took you so long?’ Gavin sighed, as he let himself fall into the seat next to Nines, so the android could drive them to the precinct. ‘Yeah sorry, love, some prank call. Nines shrugged and started the engine. ‘Must be someone trying to sell you decaf coffee on the phone if it has you that aggressive already.’ ‘Hey, I’m not aggressive, okay? I just went from eating breakfast made by the best android in the world to listening to some idiot I really don’t want to talk to. Anyone would react that way.’ ‘If you say so’, Nines chuckled. ‘Let’s hope the rest of the day treats you better.’

It seemed that way for a good four hours. Nines had gotten him a coffee; the little kiss an added gift on top of it. The reports were easy to write and filing evidence to return to families or be disposed of correctly was just something to keep the mind busy, really. By the time his break had begun, he had nearly forgotten that Elijah had called in the morning. Until the man itself stood in the bullpen and walked towards his desk. Everyone’s attention was on him and no one seemed to dare stop him. It was just like Eli to barge in here like he owned the place. He could likely pay the fine just from the money he had on his person, too.

He came to a stop in front of Gavin, who only vaguely noticed Chloe awkwardly hurrying after the man. Gavin stayed seated, but his grip on the table was strong and Nines had stood up, soldier protocols at the ready without doubt. ‘Gavin.’ ‘Eli.’ They stared each other in the eyes without blinking and the tension seemed almost palpable. ‘I thought I made it clear I don’t want any contact.’ ‘You told me not to call you’, Elijah corrected. ‘Well, then I tell you now: I don’t want any contact. Phck off!’

The precinct was so silent you could hear the hum of the lights. Everyone gaped at Gavin, who just told Elijah Kamski, CEO of Cyberlife and inventor of a now sentient lifeform, to fuck off.

‘Listen, I-‘ ‘No, I won’t listen to you. Leave. Now.’ ‘Gavin I want to apologise.’ ‘I don’t care. Go.’ ‘Gavin, please, I-‘ Gavin stood up and although there was quite the hight difference between them, Elijah took a step back. His brother wasn’t the small kid that bullied and beat up other children in the schoolground then cried at night to him about it anymore. The man in front of him was fit and muscular, trained with a gun and used to detain criminals. With how the cases were described in the paper, Elijah knew his brother had seen far worse things than he could even imagine. He really didn’t want to get on his wrong side, but it seemed he had already managed that.

‘Fine’, he said. ‘You wanna talk? Good, that shit goes both ways then. So you’ll listen to me first and then you’ll think very, very hard about whether or not you really want to say what you were about to say!’ Gavin pressed his eyes close and took a deep breath, before he pushed a finger against Elijah’s chest. ‘You. You call me after twenty years of silence. I spent more time with out you than with you in my life and suddenly you want to crawl back to me? Give me one good reason why.’ ‘I wanted to apologise.’ Gavin burst into humourless laughter with the only purpose of ridiculing Elijah. ‘You want to apologise? For what? For ditching me because father said I was trash too many times? For leaving me with that sorry excuse of a family as you went to college? For practically spitting in my face when you were the only family I ever had? Well, you are too phcking late!’

He had shouted the last sentence. Maybe he had shouted those before too, he couldn’t know. He only felt his chest heaving already and his eyes dangerously filling with water from his anger.

‘Gavin, I know, I wronged you. And I’m sorry.’ ‘I don’t care, Eli. I really don’t. I cut them out of my life. I moved, I found a job, friends, a life. I have a new family now. I am happy now. I don’t need a reminder of that time; I don’t need your pity and I definitely don’t need you. I don’t want your apology and I don’t want to be goaded into forgiving you and having to be miserable again. I would advise you to go and leave me alone.’ It sounded like a threat, a dare to continue speaking. Elijah really didn’t want to make it worse, but he didn’t want to back down just now. ‘Gavin. I understand your anger. I don’t want forgiveness. I just want a second chance. I want to have a brother again.’

‘Maybe you should have cared for me when I needed it then!’, Gavin shouted. ‘I don’t need you now, I needed you twenty years ago!’ ‘Do you think I didn’t care about you back then?’, Elijah asked, fed up by Gavin’s stubbornness. ‘I did care about you! But you weren’t the only one dad manipulated! God, I was just a kid, do you even think I realised what was happening to you?’ ‘You were thirteen!’ ‘Exactly! Everything I could think about were cool robots! Gavin, I believed what dad told me and you acting up and beating up your classmates really didn’t help change that view!’ Gavin didn’t know what came over him. He only knew the next moment he had Elijah pressed against one of the glass walls, ready to throw hands. And it felt good.

-

>RK900, he’ll kill him! He won’t. >He just came here to talk. Please, help him.

Nines had stood at his desk, watching both adult men shout at each other in the middle of a police station. Already he had made the connection the “brother” Gavin had told him about had to be Elijah Kamski. He also knew they would sooner kill each other than mend old wounds. Once again it would be upon him to keep Gavin safe from his own temper.

So, when Gavin was about to throw the first punch, Nines stepped in and intercepted it, effortlessly grabbing both men by the collars of their shirts and marched on to the next empty interrogation room. He pushed Elijah on one of the chairs, nodding his thanks to Chloe, who kept the cursing man seated. He continued to do the same with Gavin on the other side. ‘Alright. You two will talk civilised now. If I hear another screamed word, Chloe and I will chain you to the table, leave and invite the whole precinct to watch in the adjacent room.’ He fixed Elijah’s eyes until he nodded, then turned to Gavin, who looked more defiant. ‘Urgh fine’, he sighed finally. ‘I don’t get husband perks?’ ‘No.’

‘Alright, Eli, what do you want to say?’, Chloe began. ‘I want to apologise. I’m sorry I didn’t see how you were treated at home and I hope we can try to begin anew.’ ‘And what is your answer, Gavin?’, Nines took over. ‘I want to say that this is utter bullsh-‘ He stopped as Nines let the handcuffs dangle in front of his eyes. ‘I want to say that I don’t believe a word and that I don’t care about what he wants.’ ‘Why don’t you believe him?’, Chloe questioned. ‘Elijah Kamski is the richest man in the world, expecting to get even richer and has a mansion full of identical bots’, Gavin spat, scowling at Nines the entire time, who just huffed amusedly. ‘He can get anything he wants, why would he want to get back in contact with me of all people?’

‘Because I was reinserted as CEO of Cyberlife’, Elijah explained, watching the two androids intently, before turning back to Gavin. ‘It is a new beginning for me and the company and I thought if I’m already trying to get everything back in order, I could as well try to do so with my relationship with my brother.’ ‘Heh, the first thing you said this day I want to believe’, Gavin chuckled. Nines carefully looked towards Chloe, who seemed to have come to the same conclusion. Now that both men had cooled down a bit, they may finally be able to talk. ‘Only that I’m not some new product or change in politics. I’m a bit more difficult to fix.’ ‘I know. I still wanted to try.’ ‘How’s mom and dad?’, Gavin asked silently. ‘I don’t know. You leaving so suddenly made me think about what happened. I didn’t really cut them off, but I decided to use my work as an excuse not to meet with them. I haven’t spoken to them in quite a while and I think they know I too don’t want to have any contact.’ ‘So you learned eventually.’ ‘I spoke to some of your friends. I don’t think I know of everything that happened, but I think I know enough.’ Gavin nodded. ‘So, that second chance you spoke about. What do you want from me?’ Elijah perked up, apparently not expecting Gavin to cave in. ‘I don’t expect us to be best buddies again, but… Maybe some family dinners? You know, Christmas, birthdays… I want to be a part of your family again, Gavin.’ ‘Fine. Christmas, Nines’ and my birthdays, yours. We’ll see how it goes from there. Deal?’ ‘Deal.’

Both of them looked up to their respective android partners who stepped back from the table and watched them stand up. Both met in the middle, shook hands and exited the interrogation room. Back in the bullpen Gavin went straight to his desk, followed by Nines, while Elijah and Chloe left towards the exit. The whole room was still dead silent, and no one dared to say a word, until Tina couldn’t keep her words in check.

‘Okay, what the hell!’, she called through the bullpen. ‘Gavin, why the hell did the Elijah Kamski showed up here, why did you assault him and why the fuck did you call him brother?’

[bluewatsons]

Michael John Carley, Autism-Schmautism...In the End, Darius McCollum was Poor and Black, Exceptional Parent Magazine (December 2018)

On October 5th, Darius McCollum, the autism world’s previously-unending sideshow, was sentenced to life inside a New York State psychiatric facility. No, he was not relegated back to Rikers island, or any other “normal” prison, as had been the case for the majority of his adult life. He was this time sent to the kind of place where our most dangerous, disturbed, and marginalized individuals are secretly warehoused to endure horror after horror without witness, until the unmarked, mass grave on Hart Island prematurely, and slowly consumes their trauma-ridden, dissociated selves. Darius’ remarkable story of rotating in and out of the prison system for 38 years came to a halt on the worst side of the turnstile. Autism-Schmautism: He is black and poor. We were fools to think this story would end in a restorative manner.

He almost made it. His brilliance, and the subsequent media coverage had all but ensured that he would not slip through the cracks like other poor, spectrum or non-spectrum African-Americans. Darius had a shot because he was noticed. But the final nail came, comic/tragically, from an African-American judge; one who justified ending Darius’ life because Asperger’s Syndrome, to her, is a “dangerous, mental disorder.” In the words of Darius’ lawyer, Sally Butler, “The sweetest guy in the world, never committed any violent acts, never hurt anyone, is going to be held in a hospital with people who slaughter people.”

Judge Ruth Shillingford hasn’t yet apologized with the standard, Kavanaugh-esque backtrack of, “Ok. Maybe I could have used a better choice of words.” But she will. Too many of us have this same “dangerous, mental disorder.” Darius drew a different kind of bigot.

The success rate on appeals is very low. He’s gone.

***

Darius McCollum, as most spectrumfolk know, couldn’t stop stealing subway trains and taking them on joyrides. His first arrest came when he was 15, and over close to the next four decades, he was caught and sentenced over 30 times.

But by his estimation, he was not caught thousands of times.

Like innumerable spectrum children, young Darius had a “thing” for trains. As a fellow spectrumite myself who works in the field, I’ve long thought it funny how the clinical world overthought our too common fascination with rail travel. The simple truth of why we love trains has not to do with the trains themselves…it’s the track. We don’t have to make any decisions about going left here, or right there, thanks to the track. We don’t have to read between the lines, or interpret a thing, as we would driving a car. The track has already determined our destination and our route. Furthermore, we have full control over the speed of the journey. For folks like us? That’s heaven.

How was this possible, though? How could one man, however Houdini-like, sneak into the driver’s seat so easily, time after time after time? Amidst our modern paranoia of mostly imagined terrorist threats looming around every corner—our FOX News hysteria—how did Darius manage so easily to take over the controls while we were the passengers? Well, Darius was brilliant. He not only knew the ins and outs of the New York Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) ten times better than any MTA employee, he knew the employee timetables, and how the MTA’s Human Resource department operated. He knew the trends, and the procedures, and he was also gregarious. Darius McCollum really is the sweetest guy you’ll ever meet. So when he’d arrive on the scene in a stolen uniform, and tell the scheduled driver “I just got a free day, man. Lemme help you out.” The uninformed, overworked and underpaid MTA employee usually said, “thanks, man,” and laid back on a welcomed break.

No passenger, it should be noted, was ever hurt when Darius was driving. Not one passenger was even aware that, driving their subway train or bus was someone other than a trained MTA employee. Lastly, Darius’ routes were always finished on time.

***

More than two decades would transpire thereafter that first arrest before we’d hear his name. For us, it all started with a Harper’s article from 2002—Jeff Tietz’s The Boy Who Loved Transit. In the opening paragraphs, Tietz introduced us not only to a train thief, but also a brilliant forger, who brought letters to crews “signed” by MTA managers, dictating that the crews allow “Mr. McCollum” to inspect their safety protocols. Tietz also showed us a concerned outsider, who always attended MTA workers’ union meetings and rallies. Finally, Tietz pointed out to us that Darius only attempted to steal these trains, buses, and equipment. After all, he returned everything he stole. Darius’ behavior originated not in contempt. He loved the MTA, and all its inner worlds.

But despite a diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome, one that should have explained his lack of criminal intent, he got idiot judge after idiot judge—monsters of an unfair, impotent, racist, and arcane criminal justice system in New York. To them, Darius was too intelligent, too polite, and too “white sounding” (as one judge put it) to both have a disability and not have control over his actions.

I first met Darius around that time. He was out on parole but at high risk for going back. People put high hopes that my new organization, GRASP, could help. GRASP was the first real peer-run (i.e. run by people on the spectrum) organization in the autism world, and later grew to become the largest membership organization in the world for adults on the spectrum. That all said, we didn’t have much of a budget, and we weren’t a services organization—we had no contract with the city. The type of help that Darius needed wasn’t complicated, but it was intensive. He needed talk therapy with a shrink that really knew their Asperger’s, peer support, perhaps some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, some trauma-based therapy, a gym, and a Microsoft Excel class. He came to one GRASP support group meeting, but given his relative stardom, he had a hard time feeling like a part of the group. So he hung out in our office with me on several occasions. I’d work while he’d read. We’d talk. We’d go for walks. We got to know each other.

***

Everyone on the spectrum is different. On one end you might have someone non-verbal, who may never experience a reciprocated sexual relationship, or hold down a steady job for long. But this same individual could in fact be quite happy if surrounded by the right supports and attitudes; as measuring happiness by the capacity for speech is one of the infantile mistakes we used to make in the autism world. Why so stupid? Because on the other end of the spectrum you might have someone very verbal; maybe with an IQ of 180—we have all these famous people diagnosed in retrospect such as Einstein, Beethoven, Edison, Jefferson, Emily Dickinson, every famous mathematician…—whom everyone expects to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company someday. But because no one explained to them how the social world works, their loneliness intensified until they became a suicide statistic. You can’t dumb this stuff down. We’re complicated.

I hadn’t yet seen anyone whose level of “juice” resembled mine—More functional than most in many capacities, I present well. But I was also inundated with spectrumites who were/are way smarter than I. So while better than most at hiding my cluelessness, until then I had always felt somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, with no real parallel.

Darius McCollum was the first and only time I’ve ever sensed someone whose spectrum gifts and challenges instinctively reflected mine. Four months apart in age, diagnosed at virtually the same age, both only children, our internal makeup seemed identical. Darius didn’t present like me, but I knew that if you took away the experiences of being stabbed repeatedly with large scissors when he was in second grade, the horrific prison rapes and beatings, the lifelong trauma, the brilliance…and that if you then took away my educational opportunities, and blatant white privilege…he was my mirror. People thought I was talented—more talented than I really was—and so I got scholarships that allowed me to divide whatever intelligence I had into many different directions, thus creating a more well-rounded individual…than Darius, who had real intelligence that few wished to recognize, and who in lacking those opportunities directed everything he had to trains. I ended up with an Ivy League Masters degree. Darius didn’t graduate high school.

We may have gotten close—It felt that way; the ease was both inexplicable and beatifically jarring. But I’m not sure. It’s hard to tell when the relationship was never equal; for in addition to both our racial instincts, I was to be the mentor, and he the mentee.

***

By this time, everyone was writing about him. Whether it was the New York Times, the London Times, or every news station…By 2004 Darius had racked up an impressive media portfolio. There would be a play, and a documentary—interpretations of Darius’ life made by people that were not out to exploit him—Good people were always on his side. There was talk of a movie starring Julia Roberts…

However, my main mission with him was contrary. I wanted to try and get him to stop seeing dollar signs from imagined film deals, to stop being addicted to the media attention. In my opinion, this was his real challenge. For in addition to withstanding the temptation to steal more trains came the devaluation of what he would do with his life if he wasn’t stealing trains. It’s difficult enough for ANY ex-inmate to get excited about trying to start a new life…when you’re a convicted felon (very few jobs hire folks with prison records) with no job training, money, or education. Being black just decreases your chances even more. I began running interference to try to de-celebrity his life a little.

And just so you know, of course he would have been a perfect hire for the MTA. But they wouldn’t have him. We tried. We tried the MTA, we tried the MTA’s transit museum (where Darius could be a tour guide), we tried the transit authorities of other cities, we tried Amtrak… But Darius, in his “career,” had shamed these folks. He had shown that their security procedures were a joke, thus pissing off Homeland Security and driving their insurance rates through the roof. Later, the MTA would rebuff our criticisms and escalate the divide even further by demanding re-payment on any possible movie deals. In addition to Darius pinning them down, MTA officials dug themselves a deeper hole by reacting like the petty, insecure bureaucrats they might have always been.

(Speaking of Homeland Security: Darius, in his infinite kindness, had even welcomed a visit from them during one of his jail stints, asking nothing in return. And they, after absorbing much information and consultation that Darius was more than happy to give them, free of charge, about how easy it was to skirt the MTA’s procedures…gave him nothing in return. Again, we are discussing the sweetest, most childlike, least streetwise guy in the world. Today, he is still proud of that meeting as he feels he served his country.)

By then, many media outlets were calling me to reach Darius (who struggled to maintain a consistent phone number), and I was trying to rebuff them. That time would be Darius’ longest stint outside prison. And when he fell off the wagon per se, he did so repeatedly thereafter. Over the ensuing years he would get out and almost instantly get caught taking another car or bus for a joyride. In the absence of access to real supports when he would be out, being a celebrated train thief was the only life he could see. He might not have been wrong.

During those years he also made bad decisions, about people, money, and especially legal representation. Stephen C. Jackson, the celebrity lawyer who gained fame during the Tawana Brawley case, rushed to Darius’ side and filled him with promises of millions. But when Jackson (now deceased) quickly saw that the fame he sought wasn’t forthcoming, he then abandoned Darius without officially dropping his name as Darius’ representative. What this meant was that when Darius, on more than one occasion, would show up from his cell for sentencing or a hearing, that he sat alone in court. The judge would ask where his lawyer was, and Darius could provide no explanation. But because Darius, in the court’s mind, couldn’t represent himself (because of his Asperger’s, the courts deemed him incapable of the decision to switch lawyers), he was then sent back to jail for months, even years once, until a new hearing could be rescheduled. Herein, my power of attorney was worthless.

GRASP didn’t have the means to help, but larger organizations like Autism Speaks and the Autism Society of America (ASA) could have. But neither organization would touch Darius McCollum with a ten-foot pole. The excuse was that they didn’t like the way Darius was using his Asperger’s as…an excuse, and that this made everyone on the spectrum look irresponsible. But to me, this was the excuse—to not have to acknowledge the punishments not fitting the crimes. If people really thought Darius deserved to be raped and beaten for taking subway trains on safe joyrides…I just couldn’t believe that. But I grew to believe that as a poor, black man, Darius for them was a lose-lose proposition. These orgs’ gutlessness did not have justification, but they did have explanation.

My prison visits felt more and more like spankings. I’d arrive, furious with him over the most recent arrest, and I’d lay into him. But at the end of the visit we would have worked it out. I once broke policy, and facilitated an interview with him for Caren Zucker and John Donvan’s book, In a Different Key (I trusted Caren, whom I knew from her days at Nightline when she produced some really fine autism coverage). I laughed in solidarity at the finished book, where they quoted my first words to Darius when I brought them to Rikers…in which I distinctively used an expletive. Donvan had inquired after the visit why I was so harsh with him, and rather than explain that neither Darius nor I came from finishing school, or that this was just the way we showed we cared, I answered in an acknowledgement that maybe it was wrong of me, but that “I visit him.” For at the time, no one else really was.

But then Sally Butler became Darius’ (seriously) pro bono lawyer. And he finally had a real chance…because he finally had a real hero.

***

Forget the nightmare center that Darius will go to (Kirby, or Mid-Island, according to an old colleague), our regular prisons are increasing in violence. Author, Shane Bauer, went undercover for Mother Jones as a $9 per hour Louisiana prison guard (an experience he recounts in his new book, American Prison) and took away a wealth of terrifying information. In a recent interview, Bauer stated that when he was being trained, he was instructed that the proper procedure for when prisoners were stabbing each other, was “to yell, ‘Stop fighting!’ and that’s it. We should not get in between them. We are not going to pay you (the guard) that much…if those fools want to cut each other, than happy cutting.”

And does anyone still think that you can go through long prison experiences without being raped? Are some people still capable of such denial? Unfortunately, yes. We are that naïve, or dumb, or complacent. And it’s mostly the law & order crowd—those who demand punishment, punishment, punishment, even when they acknowledge that punishment (even as a concept) really doesn’t work—that heartily approves of our “nudge nudge, wink wink” relationship with rape. We are complicit in this manner because we want to believe that we live in a society that does not condone rape. But it’s nonsense. We don’t just condone rape, we willingly use it as a coercive tool, and the proof doesn’t lie in drunken college parties. The proof of our societal need to never eliminate rape lies in our prison system.

“According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, around 80,000 women and men a year are sexually abused in American correctional facilities. That number is almost certainly subject to underreporting, through shame or a victim’s fear of retaliation...To tackle the problem, Congress passed the Prison Rape Elimination Act, signed into law by President George W. Bush in 2003. The way to eliminate sexual assault, lawmakers determined, was to make Department of Justice funding for correctional facilities conditional on states’ adoption of zero-tolerance policies toward sexual abuse of inmates…But only two states — New Hampshire and New Jersey — have fully complied with the act…The Justice Department estimates that the total bill to society for prison rape and sexual abuse is as high as $51.9 billion per year, including the costs of victims’ compensation and increased recidivism. If states refuse to implement the law when the fiscal benefit is so obvious, something larger is at stake…Compliance does not even cost that much. The Justice Department (also) estimates that full nationwide compliance would cost $468.5 million per year.”

— “Why We Let Prison Rape Go On”

Bozelko, Chandra. The New York Times. April 17, 2015

***

This past year, after 38 years of in and out, it was time to roll the dice. Darius’ health had been deteriorating—He has gained tremendous weight and is experiencing rapid hearing loss. His brilliance has become less accessible, having slowly drowned in accumulated trauma.

In January, Sally scored a major victory: she got the Brooklyn District Attorney's Office to finally admit that Darius was not a criminal. But because of how the court still contextualizes non-apparent disabilities, Darius, in order to become relatively free, would have to plead not responsible by mental defect. And there was a big risk herein. As Sally wrote: “If Darius is determined to be dangerous, he will be confined in a truly horrific locked facility for the criminally insane perhaps for life.” But if the judge were to determine that he was not dangerous, he would be “civilly committed for intense treatment with the goal of returning to society with services available to him.”

In talks at the time with the Puerto Rican government on an autism consulting contract, I began looking into a side project of building a treatment center on the island, one that would use Darius as a pilot for low-risk, non-violent offenders with diagnosed non-apparent disabilities. Everyone’s been saying “there’s no proper care available,” even though what Darius needs is not brain surgery, and since no one else was doing it…I dreamt of him taking that Excel class, going to trauma-based therapies, and helping to repair houses in Puerto Rico’s still-reeling infrastructure, one with no transit system—Yes! There would be an ocean between Darius and temptation, if not also a warm, loving populace that would welcome him. The courts would save a ton of taxpayer money and stop enduring the bad public relations. Sally forewarned that getting the powers that be to allow him to receive his treatment outside state lines would be the challenge, but I was confident. It seemed a no-brainer.

I wasn’t alone. We all figured the odds were good. Who in God’s name would sentence this good-natured child to more torture?

But again, Sally and I being white, we forgot that Darius was black.

***

I’m guessing that at best, only 3% of the people that read this article will be African-American. It’s not that I don’t have black readers. As a white writer, I’m confident I have more than most. But for African-Americans, I would imagine that this material, like any material about Darius, reads like the box score of a game African-Americans already saw, participated in from start to finish, and in which their team got its ass kicked. There’s nothing to be learned, and only more heartache to be gained from reading. Maybe as some “militants” might say, everything really is about race. Maybe everything isn’t about Darius’ autism, nor fiscal variations (I especially have professed in the past that everything revolves around economics)…I’m white, so I can’t go there completely, but I could argue that maybe the Judge Kavanaugh hearings weren’t about women if, as a New York Times article reports, 53% of white women were in favor of his confirmation. Maybe the wonderful #MeToo movement will at some point have to address the buried complaints that many men of color, in corporate settings, have about the sexual harassment they’ve endured from many white, female supervisors. Maybe the LGBTQ community will someday acknowledge that a stereotype exists of them all being wealthy liberals—when most are actually poor (and therein, contain many people of color). Maybe the #MeToo heroes can see that while they risked their career track to report harassing bosses, that when this occurs to women of color in factories (that I’ve worked in), that for her and her family that woman doesn’t risk a delay in promotion, she risks homelessness. Maybe even our nation’s bipartisan era isn’t about Trump, but is still about Obama? After all, one look at the farcical complaints many Republicans had about Obama during his tenure, when compared to their silence regarding Trump’s unending list of proven lies? This nation’s divide isn’t about Republicans and Democrats at all…And then there’s Judge Shillingford, pictured on Google images at many NAACP functions, who simply may have seen a Darius we never saw; one who didn’t have the intelligence we knew of, or the indisputably kind nature. Maybe she saw a person who was incapable of a productive life given the right supports…because of his skin color. Maybe she knew better.

Having raised white children in predominantly black, Brooklyn neighborhoods, I can confess to you that every once in a while, a fellow white would let slip their belief that we were throwing our kids’ safety under a bus to prove our liberalness. The truth was the opposite—Because of the trust we’d extended by living there my boys were protected by those communities. The black on black shit is what will astound you.

(“Sidebar, your honor?” An old contact of mine works closely to [but not in] the Brooklyn District Attorney’s office. Not to go spy-novel herein, but this “source” felt that Shillingford will not be reprimanded for this ruling or her language. She may actually be rewarded. My contact’s theory is that the Shillingford’s “shortcomings” regarding her knowledge and feelings about developmental disabilities, are well known by the Brooklyn DA, Eric Gonzalez. Shillingford may have been set up to take the bullet for a DA’s office that has wanted this ending for Darius all along. And this would make sense; for Gonzalez’s office seems intent on preserving a progressive aura; yet in the case of Darius McCollum has never negotiated in good faith.)

Whether you are African-American, Spanish, on the spectrum, LGBTQ, or Muslim…any minority will always feel doubt about their way of doing things, even if that way is brilliant. And any majority will have supreme confidence in their way of doing things, even if their way is so dumb it’s beyond repair. Unless we are all educated otherwise, that’s simply how majorities and minorities think.

***

I can’t compartmentalize Darius McCollum as the screwup twin brother who couldn’t stop breaking my heart, or as the African-American who only had a chance in our dreams. Darius will perhaps best be categorized as the human being who consciously made us face our capacity for cowardice and inaction. For I could cry at will, in gratitude, for the fact that I was raised on this one notion: If in the course of your job, you have to turn a blind eye to a giant injustice? Then it is time to look for another job. These days, this concept feels more than lost. Judge Shillingford cowardly stated in her sentencing that her “hands (were) tied.” Bull. The judge is a bigot, perhaps twice over (though I can’t make that call). Because she is both a female and an African-American, and I am a white male, I will grant that she had it harder than me—I’d bet a limb on it. But the end result matters too.

I know I’m angry. And in my anger, I erroneously feel it’s my duty to look upon her, and maybe Gonzalez, as garbage human beings. But I think the real duty for us all is to acknowledge that they are not alone.

[megalony]

Protect you- Part 1

This is a new Ben Hardy series that I will be working on which is based on the idea of Ben being a bodyguard. I hope you all like it.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @luvborhap @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction

Summary: Joe asks Ben a favour; to protect his friend (Y/n) from the people out to get her. But as Ben agrees to be her bodyguard, he realises how she is different from everyone else he protects. She’s vulnerable and anxious and Ben realises he will go far to protect her.

Series masterlist

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So, why'd you call me?"

Joe listened to his friend's deep yet light-hearted tone that had a hint of seriousness to it as it always did. Of course Ben would know that this wasn't a social call for friends to meet up. There had been a reason for Joe to call up one of his closest friends and it wasn't because Joe wanted to hang out.

He could see his friend scanning the small cafe they were sitting in as if he was looking for a threat. Ben never really seemed to be off duty, his mind couldn't stop thinking that there was a threat around every corner and it amazed Joe to see Ben always tense. The blond never seemed to relax, his muscles were always taut and tense, the veins in his neck were always on show. His eyes were scanning the area looking for anyone or anything suspicious as he kept his hands clasped on the table or on his lap. Ready to charge at any moment.

"You said you weren't working at the moment... I have a job for you."

Ben couldn't help but let out a laugh at his friend's choice of words, it was as if Joe was Ben's manager or some kind of high-end boss who needed a job doing. It was true, Ben didn't have a job going at the moment and he had been trying to relax and enjoy some time off but Joe knew him better than anyone. He knew that Ben desired to be working, his job was to protect people and that meant he was always alert. Not having someone to protect made him anxious and generally lost because he didn't have to worry about protecting himself.

Removing the jet black sunglasses from shielding his eyes, Ben hung them on the collar of his shirt as he leaned back into his chair. His chin tipping down as he opened his hands to gesture to Joe to continue.

"Wow, a job for me. Alright, who is it?"

Joe brought the rim of his coffee cup to his lips as he hoped that Ben would help him here. Joe wasn't the one who needed protecting and Ben could see that and Joe had no reason to have a bodyguard but one of his friends did. And Joe had promised he could help her, he wasn't breaking that promise meaning that Ben had to help him.

"I've got a friend, she's been in witness protection since she was fifteen. There was a drug and murder scandal and she put four guys in prison by identifying all of them. Two of them have been released and witness protection just changes your name."

Ben rubbed his hand along his jaw as he leaned further back into the slightly uncomfortable wooden chair. When starting out Ben used to follow around petty celebrities who thought people would try and hurt them because they were popular. When he got more serious he decided he would only help people who needed it. He felt a sense of power protecting people and this friend of Joe's sounded vulnerable.

"Fifteen... fuck. How old is she now?"

"Twenty three. She needs someone to protect her now... like today kind of now. She means a lot to me, Ben and she's scared." Joe wouldn't ask if he thought she would be fine but she wouldn't. Two people who had been involved in murder had been released and they knew what she looked like and could easily find out her name and address. Joe couldn't stand by and watch his friend get increasingly panicked and frightened like she was because it wasn't fair.

"Why so soon?"

"She's seen one of them around London and if they see her she's done. Will you do it?" Joe held his breath as he analysed his friend who was still analysing the room they were sitting in.

Ben knew he couldn't pass this up. He needed a job to keep him sane and this was someone who clearly needed protecting. There was no way he could let this girl walk around in danger especially if she was a friend of Joe who was very concerned about her. She must be something special for Joe to practically beg Ben to help her.

"Alright, I'll do it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ben tipped his head back as he studied the girl sitting in front of him with curious eyes. She had a ring sitting on her index finger of her right hand which she constantly spun round her finger in slow, calculated circles. Her eyes could never stay on his own for very long and her foot was tap, tap-tapping away against the carpeted floor. Every once in awhile she would reach up and push a strand of hair behind her ear that kept falling in front of her eye.

Clasping his hands together in front of him, Ben leaned forward so he could rest his elbows on his thighs. His expression warm but no smile on his lips, he always found it better to stay neutral and calm and that meant looking composed at all times.

"Tell me about yourself. Where you work, your daily routines, background history I need to know about. Any meds you take... I need all the information relevant to you in order to protect you."

Ben had talked with Joe two days ago. Since then he had gotten (Y/n)'s phone number, then her home address and now he was sitting in the living room of her apartment with her. He needed to know everything about her and the trial that brought her here. He needed to know about the people who were out to get her, he needed to know what she did day to day so he could figure out a safe place in case they were compromised. He had to know if she was on medication if so when she took it to make sure she was taking it and make sure she was alright.

Everything in her day to day life had to be told to him because it seemed that this wasn't a nine to five job like very few of his previous jobs had been. He was going to have to be here with her at all hours to make sure she was safe and secured until either she felt safe enough to be alone or some other arrangement was worked out.

"I... I'm a book editor so I can work from home a lot, two days in the week- usually Monday and Friday- I go into the office for the morning or afternoon to keep up with the writers. I take anxiety meds twice a day..."

(Y/n) entangled her hand into her hair as she felt like crying but she didn't exactly know why. She could feel Ben watching her, analysing her like a puzzle but she couldn't see the sadness in his eyes. She was bright, she had hundreds of books scattered around the place, some were novels she had read that were fantasy or young adult. Others were textbooks from college, some were documentary types, she had old movie posters dotted on the walls and there was a bookshelf of books that looked protected and untouched. Ben would put money on it that those books were the ones she edited.

He could see a scared woman who hadn't felt safe since she was fifteen years old. He saw a girl who was bright, intelligent and beautiful who hadn't experienced anything of the world. Ben saw a girl who enjoyed books and took a job as an editor to hide away in her safe place to keep herself sane and alive.

Ben felt a great sadness that she had hidden away like this because she felt frightened for her life and her safety. He had experienced the world, he had gone to university and made many friends and had gone travelling with some of them. Ben had had different jobs until finding that being a bodyguard gave him the satisfaction he was looking for and he enjoyed it. (Y/n) stuck to one job she knew was her safety net and she couldn't bear to move away from it.

"Joe said you were in witness protection... can you tell me why I'm protecting you?" Ben knew it was clearly a traumatic experience for her but he had to know the ins and outs of the situation so he could protect her effectively. If he knew half the story he was only half protecting her.

"M-my brother, he was older than me and he hung out with rough guys. He was meant to pick me up from school but we stopped at a friend's house on the way home. I sat in the car, he went in... twenty minutes later someone runs out with blood on his clothes. Then another runs out with a knife... I get out the car, g-go to the door, there's someone on the floor and my brother was fighting with a guy and someone else was kneeling by the body. My brother ran out and took me home, he wouldn't go to the police so I did."

Ben never usually had a problem keeping his expression neutral, it was usually hard trying not to roll his eyes but today it was hard not to frown and reach out to pull her into a hug. He wanted to wipe away the tears leaving her eyes and tell her he would help her. Ben wanted to rewind the clock and change everything so she could have a life she should have gotten.

How could a fifteen-year-old girl go through that and still manage to get through life afterwards? What kind of brother takes his sister to a place like that and makes her wait outside?

"You identified them all?"

"One of them got murder, one got manslaughter and two got GBH and withholding information, being accessories to murder. Two of them were released last month- this is what they look like, they all saw me a-and they know my name. Witness protection gives you a new identity but they can't give you a new face." (Y/n) tried to joke, she tried to smile but the look didn't reach her eyes. She handed two photos over to Ben which were mugshots of two men who looked rather menacing and uncaring to say the least. Ben was glad she had a picture of who he had to look out for. He picked up the photos and scanned over them before setting them down on the coffee table.

A new name was nothing that would help her. The police came round, they were at the end of the phone when she needed them or needed to talk but after a month or two, you become old news. They find someone new, a new crime and witness and you mean nothing.

(Y/n) had to make do with councilling and support from family and the few friends she had. A new name wasn't helpful when the four men had all seen her face. She had seen one of them around London and she knew if he caught one glimpse of her she was a goner. She had survived this far, (Y/n) didn't want to die yet.

"What about your brother? Did he go to court, identify them... is he in danger too?" Ben realised he had touched a very raw nerve when her eyes suddenly snapped up to meet his for the first time. He saw broken glassy eyes that were older before their time that were now watering.

"Overdosed on the drugs they sold him before they went to trial." (Y/n) couldn't sugar coat her words. Her brother had been older than she was but he was just as afraid. If there was a chance they could have gotten off without a sentence he would have been on their hit list and so would (Y/n). Her brother couldn't do anything for her but he could get himself out of it in the only way he saw fit. He left (Y/n) to fend for herself and in a way she didn't mind that.

She had gone to the police when her brother told her not to, he told her he was in enough trouble and she still went in and that meant she had to drag him into it if she didn't want to lie. Her brother escaped but (Y/n) was still running.

"I'm sorry." Ben managed to keep his voice level as he shook his head in a way that showed he really didn't mean to upset her. He wanted to help, he wanted to protect her and that meant asking the hard questions to be able to defend her as much as he could. He thought he would have to keep an eye on her brother too, now he saw just how alone she was. Joe said that (Y/n) had contact with her parents but Ben knew she was isolating herself here. That wouldn't be any good for her.

"Can you help me?"

(Y/n) brushed at her eyes with the back of her hand as her expression showed she was expecting Ben to say no. She wouldn't mind, it was a lot to ask of someone to protect you from two criminals who may or may not know where you are, what you do or how to reach you. She was asking him to practically live with her and be around her every day on the off chance someone was out to get her. It was a long shot but (Y/n) needed to feel safe or she wouldn't last long in her head.

"The best way to go about this is for me to stay with you since you work from home. If you go out I'll go with you unless you tell me you need space. I can stay with you for as long as you need until you either feel safe, these guys get put away or pulled in for something else or until anything else changes and you no longer need me around. Does that sound okay to you?" Ben felt his neutral expression shifting ever so slowly. The corners of his lips twitched into the thinnest, smallest smile to comfort her.

If she no longer felt she needed protecting then Ben would leave. If these guys got sent back to prison or the police were watching them and surveying them then Ben would go if (Y/n) told him. If she suddenly decided to move to somewhere new Ben would find another job. This was all to make sure she was safe and felt protected so it was on her terms.

"Thank you." (Y/n) breathed through the words as she closed her eyes tightly as such a feeling of relief surged through her that she thought she was going to faint.

"I take it you want me here during the night as well as the day?" Ben dipped his head forward as he asked, watching (Y/n) nod when his expression showed that was completely fine and normal for his kind of work. "Alright... I'll let you know now that I have a gun and a permit but the gun will stay in the flat, I don't tend to take that out with me. Ground rules, the doorbell sounds or the door knocks, you let me answer. The phone rings, give it to me if you don't know who's on the other end of the line. We go out, you have to listen to me. Sound good?"

(Y/n) nodded again, managing a smile as she rubbed her hands together, no longer spinning the ring around on her finger.

"Alright, I think we've got a deal."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ben was rather thankful for the walls of the apartment being paper-thin because it made it much easier to work out what was (Y/n)'s movements and what would be deemed as a threat. The first night was always hard, he had to get used to new surroundings, commit the room and the apartment to memory in case of emergencies. He was a light sleeper which meant if the person he was protecting was a fidgiter he could hear their movements. It was also hard for them to remember he was there or get used to being with someone else in their home.

He heard (Y/n) get up three times now in the past hour and he knew what she was doing. He heard the wooden pegs on the curtain rail scraping against the wooden rail. She was pulling back the curtain, peeking out into the darkness of the night and then closing the curtain and attempting to sleep.

She seemed to be having a lot of trouble getting herself to calm down enough to sleep, she was overthinking and waiting for a threat to pounce on her during the night. Ben had locked the front door, checked the windows, closed the curtains and yet he noticed (Y/n) staring at the door as if to make sure, she adjusted the curtains after him to make sure no one could see in. He wondered if she was this paranoid before he was here and if so it made his heart break because she had someone in the house now. (Y/n) had a bodyguard, someone whose sole purpose was to protect her and yet she still didn't feel safe.

Running a hand over his face, Ben silently groaned as his mind was ticking away not allowing him to sleep because he knew (Y/n) was still awake. When he heard the wood scraping once again, Ben threw the cover off his frame and got up. He made his way out of the spare room he had been given and headed into the next room.

He knocked before entering, holding his hand out in front of him to keep her calm and show it was only him.

"Love, you're gonna go insane looking out that window, believe me I've seen it happen." Ben spoke quietly but gently as (Y/n) stood at the side of the window, peeking through the curtain before her attention was on Ben. "I know this is scary for you, but I'm here to protect you, that's the sole purpose of me being here. Get into bed, you let me worry about your safety now because that's my job. Go to sleep." Ben spoke firmly but in a tone that showed he wasn't being rude or assertive or plain annoying.

He couldn't have her going insane on him on the first night because she couldn't get to sleep. He rested his hand on her arm, rubbing up and down as he gently guided her over to the bed in the middle of the room.

Ben watched her burrow under the covers, her eyes watching him for a reaction as if she thought he was going to roll his eyes at her or become annoyed with her. He only sighed in sadness at how afraid she was before he stood next to the window where she previously had been. Pulling back the curtain just an inch, Ben glanced out into the street that was vaguely illuminated by the street lamps.

When he turned his head back to (Y/n) he saw her lips moving in a silent thank you before she closed her eyes and turned her head to burrow into the pillow like she wanted to disappear. His head leaned to the side as sadness washed through him.

This was worse than he thought.

[whitewolfofwinterfell]

I saw you reblogged gifs from Sex Education (so I assume you watch it) and I just recently binged it, after hearing so much about it and I didn’t quite know what to expect going into it. But I found myself liking it and I was surprised and happy about how many important questions and topics it actually deals with, like the important of consent, STD’s, equality, LGBT rights and so on. So I just wonder what your thoughts is on it? (Oh and I love how well written the characters are too)

I really like Sex Education. I was the same as you and didn’t really know what to expect going into it. One of my friends described it as a “classier version of Skins” and I’d say that description is somewhat accurate. It’s similar to Skins in the way that it explores the lives of college students and how realistic and honest it is in doing that. There are a lot of shows that have a young cast and are set at high school or college such Gossip Girl, PLL, TVD, OTH, BtVS, but these shows are completely unrealistic in what they portray. Most of the characters on those shows are supposed to be 17 years old but are being played by actors and actresses in their 20s or 30s, and aside from going to school they live their lives like adults rather than teens. That’s what separates Sex Ed (and Skins) from other shows in the same genre, because it is realistic. All of the young characters on Sex Ed are living their lives as teenagers and not adults. They go to college, they hang out with friends, they go to work part-time, they struggle with their sexuality, they take part in extra-curricular activities, they have difficulties at home in their personal lives and they’re trying to figure out who they are. It’s the stuff that most of us do and go through when we’re that age.

The characters are great. In fact, I think I like every single character on Sex Ed because they’re authentic characters with complexity. Most of them are built on tropes but they all exceed those tropes. Jackson is the perfect example. He’s a handsome jock, star athlete, popular and intelligent. Yet, he shatters any other tropes that would be associated with this type of character. The first trope we’d expect to see is for him to screw around, date loads of girls, be a dick and hurt them and break their heart because he’s scared of commitment. But Jackson truly falls for Maeve and cares about her. He isn’t scared of getting his heart-broken or dating around, he walks into a relationship with Maeve with his eyes and his heart wide open. When he realises Maeve doesn’t feel the same as him, he never lashes out, shames/guilts her or resents her. He continues to be respectful and kind to her. We’d also expect him to be shallow and to judge everything on looks and popularity, but his friendship (and I expect romance, in the future) with Viv shows that Jackson judges individuals based on the person they are rather than how popular they are or how conventionally “hot” they are. Again, we’d expect a character like Jackson to be hung up on his image and what others think, but he doesn’t care. Swimming is part of his image, but he doesn’t care. He decides that he doesn’t want to swim and that he’d rather act instead, and although he’s worried what his mom will say, he doesn’t care what anyone else will think. And Jackson is just one example of a character built on cliched tropes that goes way beyond them and shatters them. Otis fulfils the awkward, shy virgin trope, but he actually has such a deep understanding of sex and relationships which allows him to relate to and connect with a wide range of people. Maeve is fulfils the cool, badass stereotype but is actually very sensitive, caring, empathetic and not afraid to show kindness or love to others.

It’s not just the characters I like either, it’s also the relationships between the characters. Otis and Eric’s friendship is so beautiful. It instantly stood out to me as being special based purely on the fact that it’s a close and intimate friendship between a straight and gay guy. In my experience, I have never known a gay guy to be best friends with a straight guy. This is because of the misconceptions and stereotypes built around masculinity and homosexuality. A lot of straight guys wouldn’t be best friends with a gay guy because they’d be afraid that they would then be labelled as being gay by association. They also think that if a guy is gay that automatically means he must fancy every guy he comes into contact with and would be a sex monster. It’s so silly, incorrect and such backwards thinking, but I’ve seen it so much throughout my life. Yet Otis and Eric love each other so much and they’re so close too. Eric can talk openly to Otis about his romantic and sexual relationships without feeling like Otis is judging him or is embarassed or grossed out (again, a common theme amongst straight guys when they interact with gay guys about sex). It’s just such a great relationship. But then there’s also Jackson and Viv, Maeve and Aimee, Adam and Eric, Otis and Maeve that are all wonderful relationships to watch evolve on-screen. Even seeing Otis and Nicole come together after having sex to address the fact that she may be pregnant was refreshing. Not only does this deal with unwanted and unplanned pregnancy, it shows that when two people come together and have sex it is the responsibility of both of those individuals to deal with the consequences.

The LGBTQA+ representation is brilliant, and it’s so necessary. Even with the increased representation in recent years, there’s still no where near enough exploration of sexuality in television and how it impacts young people. So many teenagers question their sexuality or struggle to understand how they’re feeling or who they are, and shows like this can make all the difference. If young people can relate to the characters they see on-screen, it gives them a way to understand and process their own feelings. People think we’ve come so far and there’s so much understanding around sexuality, but as someone that works in high schools, let me tell you, there isn’t. A lot of young people have never heard the words bisexual, pansexual or asexual, they also don’t understand that sexuality is often fluid or that gender identity and sexuality aren’t the same thing or even necessarily connected. My only issue with the way sexuality is explored on the show is that it’s not as in-depth as it could be. For example, Ola starts to have sex dreams about Lily, takes an online quiz which says she’s pansexual and she just goes with it. It’s usually a lot more complex than that and if someone is questioning their sexuality it can take months and even years to come to terms with that and find a label that they feel comfortable with (if they want to label themselves at all). It was similar with Adam too. He develops feelings for Eric and we know he struggles with that, but then he just turns up at the party and tells Eric he thinks he’s bisexual. How does he come to this conclusion? He’s had sexual relationships with females in the past, we know this, but actually at the start of the show he’s struggling to perform sexually with his girlfriend. So why does he feel that he’s bisexual rather than gay? This is really just me being picky, because in a way I think it’s a little lazy. If a character states that they are something, then that is what they are, but I think more time should be devoted to following these characters as they try to figure out what their sexuality is and how they want to label themselves, instead of the character developing feelings for one character of the same sex and then suddenly jumping to “okay, I’m bi/pan”. Regardless, the LGBTQA+ representation in Sex Ed is amazing and defintiely somethinng that I give a lot of praise to.

Aimee’s story is also a brilliant exploration of the importance of consent and sexual assault. You can read more about my thoughts on this here. But also, hearing Jean tell the kids that it is always their right to say no is very, very important. Throughout my life I’ve had so many people tell me that they had sex when they didn’t want to because they were “just going along with it” but they tell themselves it was okay because they didn’t actually say “no” out loud and therefore it’s not rape. People don’t realise that they can start having sex with someone and change their mind, and if that person doesn’t stop, it’s unconsensual sex and therefore rape. People don’t realise that if a couple have been married for 10 years and the wife wakes up to her husband having sex with her, it’s unconensual and therefore rape. People don’t realise that if someone is drunk out of their mind and barely concious, it’s unconsesual sex and therefore rape. There are so many more scenarios like these that I see people describe as being “grey areas” and it makes me so angry, because they are not fucking grey areas at all. Consent is such a simple concept but people try to over-complicate it. People will often use the “but people don’t verbally give consent when they have sex, they just do it, so how do you know that they’ve actually given consent” - bloody ask them! There is nothing wrong with asking someone, “Do you want to do this”, “Are you sure?”, “Do you feel like this is the right thing?” or saying, “If you want to stop at anytime we can”, “Tell me if I’m hurting you or do something wrong.” If two people are having sex there should be that open communication and trust present to be able to ask these questions and have these conversations, and if there isn’t, then there has to be question as to whether they should be having sex at all. I’ll discuss the importance of communication around sex below. But when it comes to consent, I find it really alarming how much misunderstanding there is around it and how much incorrect information is given out. Consent is probably one of the most important issues around sex that young people should be educated on. It’s the very foundation of sexual relationships, because no consent = no sex.

Overall, the show explores a lot of very important topics that aren’t always featured in shows to the extent that it should be. It could definitley go further with some of the themes it explores, but it covers a lot of ground in a limited time-frame and does more justice to it than a lot of other shows I’ve seen, so I have to give credit where it’s due.

(below the cut is less an analysis of Sex Education and more of a discussion around sex/relationships, stereotypes and misconceptions around them and how poor sex education is in school).

I think it’s important for shows like Sex Education to be made not only because it portrays life as a teenager in a more realistic way (instead of creating unrealistic expectations for young people that they should be living lives of glitz and glamour where they’re at extravagant house parties every week and dating hot older men/women that are doctors or lawyers or business owners), but because it specifically tackles the topic of sex. Let’s be honest here: sex education in schools is really, really, really bad. Kids simply aren’t taught what they need to know about sex and as a result their well-being, safety, happiness and identity is often compromised. If you’re 12 years old (in the UK that’s the age you are in your first year at high school) and experiencing an attraction to someone of the same sex but haven’t been told what that means, why it’s happening or that it’s okay, how is that going to make you feel? If you’re 14 years old and in a relationship with an older guy who’s pressuring you for sex and has told you that he doesn’t want to wear a condom because it’s not as pleasurable for him, how are you going to understand that asking you to do that is not okay or articulate how you feel to your parnter? If you’re 16 and have been in a long-term relationship sexual relationship with a partner that is kind, respectful and loving but you don’t find sex enjoyable or pleasurable, how are you going to know why you feel this way or how to rectify it and discuss it with your partner? And these are just a few scenarios that I can think of off the top of my head. There are so many scenarios, topics, experiences, questions and concerns that teenagers have when it comes to sex and relationships, and unless they’re lucky and have super open, supportive and expressive parents, they most likely won’t have answers to any of their questions.

That’s because sex education (in the UK at least), is all focused on the biology; how the body changes during puberty, how sexual intercourse leads to pregnancy and the health ramifications of contracting an STI. There’s nothing about the mental, emotional and physical side of it, which in my opinion, is the most important part because that’s what directly impacts teenagers. Young people should be prepared and have absolute understanding of the kinds of experiences they may have, what to do if they ever find themselves in a situation that they feel uncomfortable with or that has made them feel insecure, upset, afraid, hurt etc., how to navigate healthy sexual/romantic relationships, what consent is and how to communicate with others about sex. For a lot of young people (and even adults!), sex is treated as such a taboo subject; they’re either too awkward, embarassed or ashamed to talk about it or have been told they should keep those sort of things to themselves. But open communication is so important when it comes to sex, particularly with your partner. I don’t agree with teenagers (below 18 at least) being in serious romantic and sexual relationships, it’s a part of life and it’s always going to happen, so young people should know how to navigate those relationships and be able to communicate with their partner effectively.

This is part of what I love about Sex Ed so much - there’s a complete openness around sex. Jean is a brilliant character and although she’s not a perfect mother, the openness she has around sex is refreshing. Sex is a part of life and it should be treated as such. Adults have this notion that they need to protect kids from sex and not give them all of the facts, but this is more likely to cause more harm in the future when these children grow up and start having sexual experiences. Jean’s openness with Otis is sometimes mortifying, but it’s also a positive thing, because she wants him to feel safe and comfortable to come to her if he’s ever struggling or confused about anything related to sex/relationships. And every child should have that; an adult that they can trust and confide in and even ask for advice on these things, because it is difficult for young people.

I also love that Jean is that she’s not afraid to talk about sex and pleasure. Again, this all stems from the embarassment and shame around sex, but people have such a problem with talking about sex (again, even adults still struggle with it) in terms of being a pleasurable and gratifying act. Kids are usually told sex is between two people who love each other to make a baby. But actually, how true is that? Sex and love aren’t mutually exclusive and it’s more likely for a couple to use contraception to prevent reproduction than it is to be trying to reproduce. Not to mention that same sex couples can’t reproduce naturally, so this explanation completely shuts down the idea of sex between individuals of the same sex, which is ridiculous. The simple fact is that a lot of the time sex is about pleasure. But as Jean discusses, pleasure is so taboo and especially when it comes to females.

I’m so glad the show shed light on this, because as a woman with female friends I’ve definitley noticed this. I’ve had female friends that have been sexually active for 10 years and that have never had an orgasm with their partner. It’s a common occurence for women to go without orgasms for most or the whole of their life, not understanding how to have one or even realising that they’re not having them. In the 21st century, sex is still defined by men and their pleasure. When people think about sex, they think about penetration, they think it begins with insertion and ends when the man has climaxed. Any porn video you watch involving a man and woman will be geared towards men. General perceptions of sex are still built around penises, because apparently they’re just so important that sex can’t be sex without them, right? Wrong! Sex is much broader than this. Women have sex with each other with no penises involved, and let me tell you, it’s still sex. Men and women can have sex without having intercourse. Men and men can have sex without having intercourse. Likewise, for women, penal penetration is not the only way to orgasm, in fact, it’s scientifically proven that it’s the hardest way to have an orgasm. Even today women don’t understand their own bodies or engage in masturbation because they feel that it’s shameful or wrong. We’re still expected to supress and ignore our sexuality and be demure and prudish. Jean absolutely smashes this notion to pieces and I love it, because women have every right to be sexually open and to enjoy sex and derive pleasure from it as men. All women should feel comfortable to masturabte, all women should be able to have pleasure from sex, all women deserve to have a partner who takes the time to understand their bodies and wants to please them, all women deserve to have the freedom to express themselves sexually in whichever way they feel comfortable with without fear of judgement or ridicule.

Sex Education is an important show because it raises questions around these topics and tackles them head-on. I’ve heard people describe it as being too “PC” and trying too hard to be “trendy”, but it’s not. All it’s doing is addressing the experiences, feelings, thoughts and struggles that young people all over the world are going through every day that are misunderstood and not spoken about. The show may not always address this issues in the best way, but it does tackle them and that’s what counts. And I, for one, am glad that shows like this are being made. The title “Sex Education” is the perfect title for this show, because it will educate many of its viewers on sex and teach them things that they didn’t know before watching. 

[sagesparrow394]

Making a Family

Fandom: Sanders Sides

AU: Human, Orphanage

Summary: All Logan’s ever wanted is to meet his father and have a real family. But what if his dad isn’t all he’d dreamed him up to be? What if blood isn’t what really defines a family?

Chapter 1 / Next

Logan Berry had been in the orphanage since he was born. He knew no other life. The owner of the place, Mr Sanders (though he asked all the children to refer to him by his first name, Thomas), was the closest thing he had to parental figure. A parental figure he had to share with countless other children...

Not having a constant parental figure to teach and help him caused him to have to grow up fast and become very independent. He was like Matilda - which was his favourite children’s books - teaching himself how to read, write, cook, and was basically an adult at the age of four.

Most children his age liked to play, run, and just be kids. Logan’s maturity meant most of the other children avoided him, finding him ‘boring’ and ‘uptight’. He was pretty lonely.

Until his fifth birthday.

“Logan?”

The boy was sat on his bed, the top bunk, reading, when Thomas knocked on his door. The man smiled as he stepped into the room, revealing him to be holding a chocolate muffin with a candle in it. “Happy birthday.”

Logan gave Thomas a small smile as he was handed the muffin. It was tradition at the orphanage that the children would get a muffin for themselves on the morning of their birthday, and then a proper cake would be had by everyone that evening after dinner.

“Make a wish.”

Logan closed his eyes and blew the candle out, wishing the same thing he did every year.

I wish to meet my dad.

Logan knew exactly two things about his parents: his mother died during childbirth, and his father was still alive and out there somewhere. He’d always wished that one day he’d finally get to meet his dad. Who knows, maybe he’d get taken out the orphanage and finally get a proper family.

“I have a surprise for you,” Thomas smiled when Logan had finished blowing out the candle.

“Surprise?”

Thomas turned back to the door. “Come on in, Pat.”

A boy’s face poked his head into the doorway. He had blonde curly hair, light blue eyes and round glasses. He had freckles peppering his face along his cheeks and nose. He stepped fully into the room. He was wearing a light blue t-shirt and cargo shorts.

“Logan, meet your new roommate, Patton Foster! Patton, this is Logan Berry.”

“Hi!” Patton gave a bright smile. Logan didn’t return it. His eyes went to his feet and he hugged his knees to his chest. Patton looked pretty disheartened at the reaction.

Thomas gave Logan a reassuring smile, rubbing his back soothingly. “It’s okay, Pat, Lo can just be a little shy.”

Patton’s smile returned. “That’s okay! I’m sure we’ll become best friends!”

Thomas ruffled Patton’s hair. “Great. Now, I’ve gotta go make sure everything’s ready for today’s birthday celebration. Logan, after he’s unpacked, why not give Patton a tour, show him around?”

Logan gave a small nod as Thomas turned and left the room.

Patton plopped his suitcase on the bottom bunk, humming joyfully as he opened it and started taking things out. He looked up at Logan, who was fiddling with the strap of his dungarees.

“So… I guess I should wish you happy birthday, huh? How old are you?”

“Five.”

Patton gasped. “Me too! I turned five a couple months ago!” He turned and continued unpacking. Though the silence was comfortable for him, it was not for Logan. Before he knew what he was saying, the question tumbled from his mouth.

“What happened to your parents?”

Patton’s face fell slightly, but he didn’t avoid the question. “My dad got sick. Cancer, they said the illness was called. I didn’t have any other relatives, so when he passed, I got brought here.” He paused. “If you don’t mind answering, what happened to yours?”

“My mom died when I was born. I don’t know who my dad is… But I know one day he’s going to come here and get me.”

That was a lie. He didn’t know, but he could hope.

Patton nodded. “So… how about that tour? I kinda need to know where the bathroom is, and quick.”

Logan slipped down off his bed, leading Patton from the room. “Down the hall to the left.”

Patton nodded, running down the hall. When he reached the end of the corridor, he paused, looking between the doors either side of him, a confused expression on his face.

Logan tried to speak up. “It’s that si- ”

“I got it!” Patton held his hands up in front of them, holding out his thumb and index fingers in L shapes. He studied each of his hands carefully…

Before turning to the door on his right.

“Other way!”

“I knew that!”

Logan chuckled at his new roommate. He wasn’t sure if he should refer to him as a friend yet. When does a person become a friend? When does someone cross the threshold between ‘acquaintance’ to ‘friend’?

A minute or so later, Patton emerged from the bathroom, skipping back up to Logan. “So, where’s everyone else?”

“They’ll either be in their rooms, the common room or the play room.”

Logan mostly stayed in his room or the common room. The common room was where the TV and computer was. The older kids mostly hung out there, so it was less rowdy and better for reading. However, he assumed Patton would rather meet more children his age, so he begrudgingly took him to the play room.

Oh dear god, the noise. The shouting. The squealing. Logan detested it.

Patton seemed to think the complete opposite. He looked around the room, smiling. “So many new friends! But who do I introduce myself to first…?” He scanned the room again. “Oh, that kid looks lonely! C’mon!” He grabbed Logan’s hand and pulled him across the room, up to a boy playing with a Barbie on his own. “Hi, there!”

The boy looked up at Patton. He had tanned skin, dark auburn hair, and bright green eyes. He was wearing a red tank top and white shorts. “Oh, hello! I don’t think I’ve seen you around before.”

“I just arrived today,” Patton replied. “I’m Patton Foster! Nice to meet you!”

“Roman Prince. You too.”

Logan couldn’t help but feel awkward as the two introduced themselves. However, Patton soon saved him. Well, kind of. Really saving him would have been letting him go back to his room. But he did make it a little less awkward for him.

“Can Logan and I play with you?” Patton asked.

Roman blinked, surprise clear on his face. “You… you want to play with me?”

“Of course!” Patton plopped down next to Roman, pulling Logan to sit down too.

“But… most kids think it’s weird I play with dolls. They say they’re only for girls.”

“Preposterous,” Logan spoke up. “The whole idea of gender stereotyping makes no logical sense. Apart from physical appearance and biology, there is no difference between males and females. Studies show they function identically neurologically, so there is no reason why clothes, toys, anything should be divided and by gender. People should just get to play, wear and do whatever they please.”

Roman and Patton stared at Logan, glanced at each other, before staring at Logan again.

“I have no idea what you just said… but I think I agree?” Roman said.

Logan seemed to realise the complicated way he phrased that, and flushed in embarrassment. He didn’t want to seem like he was boasting about his intelligence, that’s just rude. So, he kindly rephrased. “I said I don’t think toys should be just for boys or just for girls. Kids should just play with what they want.”

“Oooooh!” Both Patton and Roman nodded.

“Then, yeah! I do agree!” Roman grinned.

“Me too!” Patton added. “Come on, let’s play! Who wants to be who?”

Logan almost couldn’t believe it. He was in the play room and not cringing at everything. He was playing with dolls instead of reading in the corner. He was sat beside two potential friends.

Maybe, if this day held this much good luck, there was actually hope of his birthday wish coming true after all.

Taglist: @justcallmepancake​

[chimomo]

I'm going to give you the chance to rant and ask for your opinions on Snape even though I already know them. >:D

Ohhhh boy. Alright.

First of all – this is not aninvitation to debate or anything, please. My opinions are just that –my opinions. You may see differently, and that's FINE, but pleasedon't try to debate with me. I'm a very anxious person who willprobably just combust.

Warning: NOT SNAPE FRIENDLY. If youlike Snape, this is not a post for you.

So, Severus Snape.

When talking about Snape, I've reallygot to divide this into three parts: him as a character, him as aperson within the universe, and his fans. Yes, they get their ownsection.

First up: Him as a character. Snape's agood character. I consider all of the central characters in HarryPotter to be good characters. They're well-rounded, interesting, havetheir own motivations and voices. Each one of them is worth includingin the story, and that includes Snape. That... is all I have to sayon that.

Snape as a person within the universe?This is where things get messy. Snape is not a good man. Snape is nota kind man. Snape is not a hero. Did he do good things? Yes. Did hedo them for the right reasons? Absolutely not, and that's thedifference. You really have to look at Snape's motivations, beginningfrom when he was a child. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt andsay that as a child, he really WAS Lily's friend just forfriendship's sake. They were two wizard children in theirneighbourhood, things were perfectly innocent. However, when he gotto Hogwarts – when he was sorted into Slytherin – that's whenthings changed.

I'd also just like to point out that Idon't hate kids in Slytherin. Not at all! IRL, my sister's one. Someof my friends are. And in universe, look at Andromeda, Slughorn, orthe dozens of Slytherin kids we never hear about because they're justliving normal lives. However, at the time when Snape was sorted intoSlytherin, it was probably at the House's most toxic point inhistory. Voldemort was actively recruiting, and Slytherin House wasripe for the picking. Many older students would already have beenswayed to join the cause, like Lucius, the Black children alreadythere (except for Andromeda, of course), etc. That is the environmentSnape was put into. And Snape bought into it. He wanted to fit in, sohe bought into this idea of purity and being better than muggleborns.And that's where everything went downhill.

James and co bullied Snape (and, asAllison pointed out to me, other characters agree it was really arivalry). This is true. But Snape was not a nice boy. Lilysays it herself – he called other students mudbloods all the time,and with the people he hung around with, you think he wasn't doingsome serious bullying himself? He was literally longing for the daywhen he could join the Death Eaters, a terrorist group, and spent hisdays – when he was not with Lily, which I'll get to in a moment –with other young people who also wished to be Voldemort's lackeys.That is not a good group of children. The kid was obsessed with DarkMagic – with hurting and killing people. He literally inventedSectumsempra, and we've seen what that spell does. THIS WAS A BOY WHOSPENT HIS DAYS COMING UP WITH SPELLS TO SLICE INTO PEOPLE AND KILLTHEM.

“But he changed becauseof his love for Lily!” But... was it love? Look, I'mdemiromantic, so I'm not the BEST person to talk to about romance.But I've been infatuated with people before. It's not romance. It'snot love. It's obsession. And that's what Snape's “love” for Lilysays to me. Snape clearly did not get a lot of attention as a child.Lily was most likely his first friend. To an 11 year old who hasnever had friends, that's important.As he told her about her new world, she must have looked at him likehe was giving her the sun. And he'd never felt that sort of attentionbefore. And of coursehe liked it. And that's when his obsession with Lily began, I think.To him, she is a prize – this beautiful intelligent witchwho gave him attention andlikes him and wantsto be his friend. And then weget into issues of friend-zoning, both within the universe and infandom. “Snape deserved Lily, he was a better friend toher!” “I'm a better person than James Potter, why doesn't Lilylove ME?”

Then,of course, we get to the Mudblood incident. Snape literally calledher a racist slur. He used themost offensive term for a witch possible. Did he do it withoutthinking? Yes, he did. But to me, that proves the sort of person heis. If he has to actively think about not calling her a mudblood,that is very, very telling. If it just slipped out because he didn'tcensor himself in time, that is very, very telling. And let me justsay – I'm queer. If someone I considered a friend evercalled me by a slur because ofmy identity, you can bet I'd drop them faster than I'd drop a giantspider.

Lilydid for herself the best thing she ever did on that day – ended it.Permanently. She cut herself off from a toxic friend and from thatpoint on was able to change and grow without this tumour of a“friend” hanging onto her by a thread – until, of course, heset it up so that her husband and son would die.

Petersold the Potters out to Voldemort. But Snape planted the idea in hismind. He told Voldemort of the prophecy, and only changed his mindwhen he realized Voldemort was going to kill Lily. But he did notcare about James. He did not care about Harry – this“good man” did not care that a toddler and his father were goingto be killed. He was so bitterabout James Potter and Lily Evans falling in love – of James“stealing” Lily – that he genuinely did not care about thedeath of a small child and his father. And that also PROVES that hedoes not love Lily. I've been in love with two people, and God doesnothing make me happier than seeing them happy, even if it's withsomeone else. It's a bittersweet happiness, but I would never, NEVERwish death upon the boys that the people I love have loved. Becausethat's what love is – letting go, and wanting someone to be happy.For a beautiful example of that, look at the character Tomoyo in themanga Cardcaptor Sakura. Now that isunrequited love.

I'msorry, but that's not a good person. Just.... not. Yes, he went toDumbledore. Yes, he switched sides because of it. But the factremains that he never wanted James to survive – and he never wantedHarry to, either. And that's really what sums up Snape for the restof his life – bitterness.

Snape,from that moment on, could no longer be considered truly evil– he was, yes, now fightingfor good. But he is still not a good person. He is not a kind person.And nothing is more telling of that than his interactions withstudents.

SeverusSnape is as much of a bully in his adult life as James Potter everwas from the ages of 11-16. The difference is that Snape bullieschildren. He is in a position of power over these children. Ofauthority. And he uses that power to bully, shame, and hurt children.Whether it's him sneering at Hermione and mocking her appearance (“Isee no difference”), threatening to feed Neville's toad poison(he's literally threatening to kill a child's pet),or knocking points off of innocent kids for absoltely no reason, he'sa horrible, horrible teacher. Not to mention a biiig, big fact – heis Neville Longbottom's worst fear in Prisoner of Azkaban. I want totalk about that.

NevilleLongbottom has not had an easy life. His parents, of course, weretortured when he was a small child and are now in the hospital,permanently, unable to care for him, love him, or even recognize him.Neville was thought to be a squib for years. He no doubt considershimself barely a wizard. That has left his self-confidence so, so cutup, and Snape just preys onthat. So by the time Neville is in third year, Snape is genuinely hisworst fear. But let's take a moment and think about something – inPrisoner of Azkaban, the entire Wizarding Britain is terrified of awizard who has escaped Azkaban. We know that Neville knows theidentities of the wizards who tortured his parents – and that they,too, are in Azkaban. This is an anxious 13 year old boy. He'sprobably fretting over the though of someone like Bellatrix escapingtoo – not to mention just the general fear of Sirius being out andabout. Yet, despite that, his worst fear is Severus Snape. BecauseNeville is at Hogwarts. Hogwarts, a place of safety and comfort,learning and laughter, a place that is supposed to be so incrediblyuntouchable. And Snape has taken this place that should be a havenand twisted it forNeville. He's made him scared to do things in his own home, and assomeone with an abusive parent, I know how awful that is.Neville can reassure himself about being safe from the Death Eaters.But not from Snape. Snape is not only at Hogwarts, but has genuineauthority over Neville. Authority he uses in the worst possible way.

Andthen there's his treatment of Harry. Was he technically protectinghim? I guess. But honestly? It's a very good thing Harry has a thickskin and just loathed Snape rather than feared him, because Snape wasAWFUL to him. He was unfair, bitter, and nasty to a kid who, in firstyear, really did come in with a clean slate and wanting to dowell/get along with teachers. Snape is the only regular teacher Harryhas an issue with. He gets along well with pretty much everyone else– not counting Umbridge, etc – and his marks are fine. But Snapedespises Harry – DESPISES this innocent kid. That's. That's sochildish and petty and bitter oh my god. I have people I dislike butif one day I meet their kids of course I'm going to be nice to them,because children are not their parents. Harry was not James JR orLily JR, he was Harry, an empathetic, kind, sarcastic boy with hisown personality and life. I still don't like the fact that Harrybasically reacted the way fandom did re: Snape (“Bravest man Iknew” my ASS I can feel all the people Harry's ever met rolling intheir graves when he says that).

Icould go on and on about Snape in universe, I really could. But I'mgoing to wrap it up by saying that Severus Snape is, by all accountsin the Harry Potter books, not a kind person. No amount of fanfictionor gifs of the movies will change that.

Andthat brings me to my last opinion of Snape. Snape within the fanbase.The glorification of Snape makes me sick. If you like his character?Great! We all have our favourites and least favourites. But please,please please PLEASE do not pretend he is something he is not. Andthat's what many, many people I have seen do. These are, typically,people who have not read the books in years. Maybe not at all. Theysaw the movie, and felt their hearts ache at the sight of Snapecradling Lily's body and weeping over her. They turned to fanfiction.And fanfiction, in the Harry Potter fandom, is where canon goes todie. Fanfiction is where the tropes “Ron the Death Eater” and“Draco in Leather Pants” became popular.

Andthe Snape adoration begins.

TheSnily. Oh, the Snily. But that's not even the worst. The Snarry. TheSnamione. The Snape/any studentin Harry's generation (excuse me while I actually go and vomit). Thewank over “Oh, Snape, he was such a good person, did you know Lilyand James were going to forgive him and make him their second child'sgodfather because Lily was pregnant when she died and alsoCrookshanks was the Potters' cat blah blah blah” (reread the booksholy shit reread the books and learn the difference between canon andfanon PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE).

Andyou can't escape it. This Snape adoration, this hero worship, isEVERYWHERE. I honestly categorize the HP fans I meet into “Snape”and “No Snape” - and am far more willing to discuss HP with the“No Snape” category. I just get this huge sense of relief whensomeone says “Oh, I hate Snape”.

Look,I could keep going, but I'm over 2000 words and I'm tired. I'm sotired. If you read this whole thing and hate Snape too, I love you.Come talk to me.

Andplease, please, please – if you disagree, you do. Not. Have toreply. My opinions will not change. I'm just posting this ask as aresponse to my friend sending me in the question.

[bidinahlaurellance]

I want to talk for a moment about Teen Titans/Teen Titans Go! (the shows not the comics) and bear with me because this might be really long. I have a lot to say. Also it’ll be very generalized probably.

Let’s start with Robin (who I’ll probably refer to as Dick sometimes since they’re the same person even if it isn’t explicit). I have a particular attachment to Robin since he was my first love and has probably been my favorite hero for my entire life. I’ll be fair and say I probably have a bit of a bias towards him. Growing up, Robin was the true embodiment of a leader. He was brave, kind, and did everything and anything to protect Jump City and his teammates. While he was that, he was not without his flaws. Robin struggled with his identity, his lack of powers, and his tense relationship with his family (ie Batman). Despite his flaws and with the help and support of his teammates, he worked hard to overcome them and be the leader his team needed. He listened to them and while they fought sometimes, he trusted and valued them. 

Compare this to TTG!, where Robin is quick to anger and envy. He does not listen to anything he perceives as a threat to his authority, he’s characterized as rude and selfish. He constantly wants powers and to always be at the center of attention and danger, viewing smaller missions as beneath him. While he shares the same skills and name as his TT counterpart, they are not the same. This version also whitewashes him which is extremely gross. Dick Grayson is Romani and has never been white. Despite this, he is seen making food in a way that makes fun of white people’s aversion to cooking with spices, implying that he is white. And for those bound to say that it could be another Robin, I raise you the fact that not only is it likely that none of the Robins are white (except perhaps Stephanie Brown although I can’t speak to that) and the fact that when Control Freak showed the TTG cast a bit of TT, Robin said that that was himself. Robin has shifted from leader and friend to someone almost unrecognizable. 

Moving on to Starfire. Starfire is another of my favorite heroes and a person I would very much like to play in anyway I can. In TT, Star is kind and caring and generally upbeat, although she has storylines that make her face her fears, jealousy, and anger. From the betrayal of her sister to the racism she faces from Val Yor, Starfire has been shown to tackle her obstacles head on and finding her strength within herself. The episode “Troq” is one of the most powerful examples of her strength. Throughout the episode, she is called racial slurs and treated as inferior by Val Yor, which shows how she struggles with anger but still manages to save people and complete her mission. Same with the appearances of her sister Blackfire, who’s presence fuels Star’s fear and jealousy especially in her first episode. She was also somewhat of the voice of reason and the glue that bound the team members together, just take a look at “How Long is Forever?”

Now in TTG, Star is an airhead. Her language skills are exaggeratedly bad, she seems more concerned with her looks and self than with her teammates or her own struggles. Star has become the new girl stereotype that flies in the face of everything she was in TT. In TT, she was an immigrant. She learned and adapted to Earth while still holding onto and even sharing her own culture. 

Victor Stone, aka Cyborg, is one of the most relatable DC characters to date and his TT version is no different. Cyborg has dealt with complex subjects like racism, disability, and feeling out of place/doesn’t belong. He’s smart and has a close relationship with Beast Boy, as they tend to do a lot together. Cyborg can be quick to frustration and take it out on his teammates, but instead of feeling sorry for himself, he realizes his mistakes and apologizes for them. 

In TTG, he is relegated to the “dumb jock” who seems to only care about eating and making jokes. Also the symbolism of him being half man/half machine is lost as the amount of organic body he has changes. Instead of dealing with issues about humanity and what it means to be human, disability, and racism, Cyborg is nothing more than an empty shell who’s sole purpose is to eat and joke.

Similarly, Beast Boy was a character of great importance. He dealt with his own ideas of humanity and maturity. Throughout the series, Beast Boy is shown to be fairly immature since he is mostly seen playing video games and making food when he isn’t out on a mission. But he also has the emotional capacity to call out his teammates when they make mistakes and learn from his own. He deals with personal responsibility by getting a job outside of the Titans. Beast Boy deals with family issues and loyalty as shown by his relationship with the Doom Patrol. 

While in TTG, Beast Boy is shown to be less intelligent than his team, lazy, and slobbish. None of those things describe Beast Boy (albeit he can sometimes be a bit lazy). Beast Boy had frequently helped and hung out with Cyborg, he has a vast knowledge about things he is passionate about (animals and geek culture), and he likes to do things and hang out with his teammates. While I will admit that he isn’t as scientifically inclined as his team, he does try his best to understand what they are explaining to him. 

Now, onto Raven. Raven was a huge part of my life growing up and was someone I saw myself in. She doesn’t know how to handle herself around other people or start friendships. She struggles with the dark parts of herself and has a father who leaves heavy damage on her mental health. Despite all of this, Raven grows and connects with each of her teammates and fully trusts them. She does what she can to help and make the world a better place. 

In TTG, she is seemingly cold and doesn’t feel any emotion but anger until you learn about her love for a cartoon series. Now let me preface this by saying there is nothing wrong about her loving a series, but to have Raven almost apathetic to everything else bothers me quite a bit. The meaningful connections she made with the people around her are lost. Raven makes jokes and smiles. She cares about her teammates and is grateful for them sticking by her after the mess that her father had created. But in TTG, as stated previously, that is all lost. 

Finally, let’s talk about Batman. I for one loved the fact that Batman was nowhere to be seen in TT. Pretty sure it had everything to do with rights and other tv shows, but he wasn’t anywhere near Jump City or this show. Batman wasn’t the focus of this show, this show was about Robin and his teammates. Robin left Bruce and went to forge his own destiny. Despite the subtle nods to him, this show was never about Batman or his and Dick’s relationship. By adding him in every single episode, the focus is now shifted onto him. It makes sense for him not to be there since: 1.) it’s not his city; 2.) he has his own problems/villains to deal with; 3.) he isn’t mentoring Robin right now. By having him and Commissioner Gordon in episode, TTG has essentially said that Robin has no autonomy and that he can’t work outside of Batman. Also why Gordon? The Commissioner has time in his schedule to head over to Jump City to hang out with Batman while he watches his kid 24/7? There is no reason why Batman or Commis. Gordon have any reason to interact with the Titans. And if this were based on the comics, then okay where is Cassie? Where is Conner? Where is Donna Troy, Roy, Garth, Wally, Bart, etc? There is no reason for any of the adult heroes to show up in Teen Titans. 

I think that’s all I have to say but I’ll probably think of something else too. 

[ruffsficstuffplace]

The Keeper of the Grove (Part 64)

Velvet smiled.

Weiss stared blankly at her, her expression unreadable underneath her mask.

Velvet frowned. “Is something the matter, Weiss…?”

“I'm sorry! I'm just… SO disgusted with myself right now, for never connecting these dots!” Weiss cried as she threw her hands in the air. “I have known you for almost all of my entire life, how have I never realized your 'fake' animal ears and tails were real?!”

“The Order of the Seekers are extremely thorough with their cover-ups,” Penny explained. “It also helps that there is a unique quirk of both our human and Fae minds that find it much easier to accept the lie than the reality-shattering truth that the Fae are not mythological creatures, and have been lurking among you for over a millennium.”

“But it's just a headband and a belt with pieces cut out for her ears and tail!” Weiss whined. “How could it work so well…?!”

Blake patted her on the shoulder. “Naw yu nowh haw ay feele...”

“We really don't know!” Penny replied with a shrug. “Numerous makers and Fae-funded scientists have been attempting to crack the secret for all this time, but it looks like for however our respective intelligences and perspectives advance, we're just constantly blindsided by it.”

“It's kinda like how your facial recognition technology kept getting screwed over by people wearing eyeglasses until you figured out how to fix it,” Ruby added.

Weiss sighed heavily. “How many humans know about this?”

“A select few,” Velvet replied. “You're the first person from the Schnee family to have been made aware of this, actually.”

“You mean mom never realized there was something up about Granny Scar? They hung out all the time!”

Blake shrugged. “Wurkt fur us in Sellesschionn, still wurks naw.”

Weiss sighed again, her face falling. “So how many of your human employees know the secret?”

“None, considering we don't have them in the first place!” Velvet replied.

Weiss looked around at the Fae lounging about. “So all of these Fae…?”

“… Are employees of the Plushie Palace?” Velvet finished. “Yes, yes they are.”

As if on cue, a group of Fae got up, put on the hats and elaborate costumes that were the Palace's uniforms. They easily hid their tails, horns, ears, and other Fae features under hats, loose pant legs, and coats, before they went to an elevator and back to the public areas of the establishment.

A different group of costumed employees took their places, sighing and talking happily in Actaeon as they threw off hats, pulled down scarves, and shimmied out of pants, horns, ears, and tails springing free and waggling about in the open air.

Weiss recognized some of them as the very same people that had been attending to her and Winter earlier that month. “… They aren't even wearing contacts, are they...?” she asked, defeated.

Velvet shook her head.

“Do you need a moment to recover from your existential crisis?” Penny asked.

“No… I'll just… pick up the pieces while we go around and enjoy the fair, it's not going to last all night...” Weiss muttered.

“Then off we go!” Ruby said, cheerfully raising her scythe.

Before they left the Palace, a team of watchers, weavers, and seekers did a last minute check if they could remember their fake identities and stories, then enchant their gear with special magic that'd render their weapons harmless, and keep Weiss from using all but her most harmless spells.

She could feel it most strongly with Myrtenaster, still humming in her hand but muted, like it was trapped underneath thick soundproof material.

“I was wondering why we weren't using your prop scythe,” Weiss said as she and the others holstered or concealed their weapons.

“It's in case something happens back at the Valley,” Ruby replied. “Can't waste time finding my real scythe, because shit goes down fast back there!”

Weiss nodded. “I can imagine.”

The four of them boarded an underground tram in one of the Palace's many secret tunnels and entrances, and off they went, through a complex series of fronts and outposts owned and operated by Candela's many seekers and the handful of humans aware of the big secret, until they emerged from the back-doors of a gigantic high-end casino.

Weiss looked back at it as they walked along the sidewalk.

The place had a 100-foot flashing holo for a sign, many smaller ones boasting of all its facilities and its reputation among high rollers and small-time gamblers all over the realm, and of course, its very skilled and attractive staff.

To top it all of, it was named the “Snake Eyes,” with a sexy snake Fae waitress lounging on top of the letters winking at passersby, her reptilian lower half curled into the shape of the “S” in “Snake.”

She sighed and turned away. “Refuge in audacity indeed...” she muttered under her breath.

The group slowed down and were on high-alert as they crossed into the Dark Side of Candela, where the decorations and the Eve of the Ether specials stopped being so friendly and playful.

Now, they were for intense Trance simulations made affordable because the power companies were paying consumers to use energy to avoid overloads; “witches' brews” of a very different kind; and the kinds of costumes that wouldn't be allowed anywhere else in the city.

The few Peacekeepers assigned (or willing to be assigned) to the area paid them little heed; it wasn't unusual for teenagers to get up to mischief on the Eve, emboldened by their costumes and the spirit of the holiday, and the Bureau was much more concerned with the official fair.

The adults manning the businesses couldn't have cared less—not unless you were willing to pay the exorbitantly inflated prices, mostly from the “discretion fee.”

“Where are we going?” Weiss asked as they crossed an overpass, wary of the bums laying on the steps.

“To the one place I'm sure Yang is going to be waiting for me,” Ruby replied, smiling underneath her mask.

That turned out the to be the “The Shithole,” a bar that was exactly everything Weiss imagined it to be: dank, smelly, and full of unwashed and unsavoury types drinking cheap beer as they talked about their sordid lives or partook in ages old bar games like drunk billiards, possibly with the twist of the loser cracking their cue over the winner's head whilst accusing them of cheating.

The four moved in a tight formation, Ruby up front, Penny in the back, Weiss and Blake at the sides. The patrons noticed them and seemed amused to see this seemingly lost quartet of scared teenagers, but most of them quickly went back to their own business.

All except one, at least.

“Well lookie what we have here!” said a massive brute as she got up off his seat, a cheap beer in her hand and many more empty bottles on her table. “You lost, girlies? Because this doesn't seem like a place for gals like you to be in.”

“We're just here to meet up with someone, thanks,” Ruby said, trying to make her way around him.

The brute grinned, an ugly face with a several times broken nose, the look of someone that couldn't or wouldn't pay for the relatively cheap reconstructive surgery. “And who's that going to be, huh?” she chuckled, her awful breath making Ruby and Blake cringe and shudder.

Thankfully, Weiss' mask was proofed against it. “Step off and leave us alone, asshole,” she said as she raised her gauntlet to her face.

The brute laughed. “And what are you going to do if I don't, huh?” she asked, looming over her threateningly.

Ksshhhttt!

The brute reared back and screamed, hands over her face, blindly bumping and crashing into everything in sight as low-grade elemental fire seared her eyes.

“Get out my pepper spray, is what,” Weiss hummed as the sounds of vile cursing and breaking bottles filled the air.

Blake grinned and gave her a thumbs up, before they made their way further into the bar and down a flight of stairs, to its illegal fighting arena. From their newfound sense of respect for them, or fear of becoming next, no one else bothered them until they got to the second bouncer standing at the gate.

“You don't have anything particularly nasty to worry about in that fancy glove of yours, do you?” they asked as Weiss held it up for inspection.

“Not unless it's illegal to carry pepper spray, a taser, sand, and water in there!” Weiss replied.

The bouncer chuckled and opened the gate. “Get in there, and enjoy the show, kiddos—we got a real great guest pair tonight, been wiping the floor with everyone! Might want to get out before the crowds riot, though—pretty sure they were lying when they said they weren't modded...”

Weiss discretely cast a look at Ruby. Even through their masks, she could tell she was smiling. “We will,” Weiss said, before they entered the arena and stood by the energy barrier—all the seats were long taken.

They were the only people in costume there, but no one minded, for the scene going on below was far more interesting.

The group spotted Yang and Taiyang, both dressed in leather dusters and cowboy hats, hands wrapped in bandages and old cloth, looking very much like the settlers of the Old World's Frontier. The two of them were in fighting stances, fists held up in front of them, no doubt because of the 300 pound, 6'7 titans coming out from the other end of the ring.

The MC came back on the mic. “This dynamic daddy-daughter duo's destroyed damn near everyone we could throw at them, but will they stand a chance against our local champions, the Bash Brothers Smash and Crash?!”

“Hell no!” the regulars all roared.

The MC laughed. “All I'm going to say folks is that it's time to consult your guts then place your bets!”

Holo-screens lit up all over the arena, people frantically transferring money to the ever growing pot. Weiss would have spared a glance at the odds, if she didn't know the whole fight was a foregone conclusion.

Betting ended, people were on the edge of their seats and shouting, roaring for blood.

“Kick their asses!”

“I'm betting it all on you two, don't let me down!”

“Sweet criminy, just beat the shit out of each other already!”

All the lights dimmed, but for the ring's.

“Fighters! Are you ready…?!”

Crash and Smash roared and beat their bare, muscular chests.

Yang punched her bare fists together, Taiyang opened his arms and made the “Come at me” gesture.

“Then let's rumble…!”

The horn sounded, and the two fighters rushed each other.

Weiss expected daring acrobatics and devastating strikes, Yang and Taiyang deftly avoiding all of their opponent's attacks.  What she got was a bar brawl, fists flying, landing square on jaws and chests with meaty thuds and sickening cracks, unintelligible grunts and curses being thrown about with wild abandon as the four of them beat the ever loving shit out of each other.

If she hadn't been training with Ruby, aware of the Fae's many different forms of martial arts, she would have thought that Yang and Taiyang were just going all out and hoping they'd come out the other side the victors.

But now, she could recognize the plan.

Taiyang absorbed most of their opponents blows, bracing himself for each strike, his whole body stiffening as he absorbed the kinetic energy—were the blood-stained concrete not already cracked and broken, the audience would have noticed all the new fractures appearing beneath his booted feet.

“The Earth-Fist style: stability and protection, standing tall against all your opponent's blows like ancient mountains, immovable and unbreakable,” Weiss thought.

Smash pulled him into the air by his arms, then headbutted him; Taiyang seemed to reel from the blow, before he rebounded and smashed his skull into his face, too. Dazed and confused, Smash cried out and dropped him.

Taiyang landed, shook his head, and was completely fine.

“The Water-Fist style: control and deflection, letting your opponents attacks slide harmlessly off you like water pouring over a smooth rock, or come straight back at them.”

At the same time, Crash wailed on Yang, pounding his giant fists into her braced arms, slowly staggering her back further and further into the wall. When he had her cornered, he pulled his arm back for an extra powerful punch.

Yang pulled back her arms down just enough to grin at him, before she thrust both her fists out, slamming them into Smash's stomach.

The audience cried out in surprise as he flew off and crashed on his back, all the wind knocked out of him, a bewildered expression on his face.

“The Fire-Fist style: power and retribution, using your opponent's power to vastly magnify your own, at the risk being snuffed out before you could take your fiery vengeance.”

Smash saw his fallen brother, roared and charged at Yang, clumsily swinging his arms through the air, trying to catch her or smack her on the back-swing. She easily dodged him, Taiyang slipped in in front of him, deftly moving back and forth just out of Smash's grasp.

Smash staggered to a stop, tried to punch Taiyang with one hand; he grabbed his fist and twisted his body to the direction of the blow, his other fist coming straight for Smash's face.

He braced himself, squeezing his eyes shut.

Nothing.

He carefully opened them, saw Taiyang's fist an inch away from his face.

Now, Taiyang punched him.

Crack.

No longer braced and ready, Smash screamed as his covered his face with has hands, his nose broken once again.

“The Air-Fist: speed and deception, tricking your opponents into letting their guards down, slipping strikes into the cracks in their defenses like a draft seeping into a home.”

Crash got up, crazed and furious as he raised his hands over his head, brought them down over Taiyang's head. He raised braced his arms, absorbed the full force of the blow; Yang rushed over to him, her fist already pulled back and aimed for Crash's side.

Taiyang discretely lifted up his foot; what to those looking closely would seem like him accidentally crushing his daughter's foot in the heat of the moment was actually him transferring all of Crash's kinetic energy into Yang—energy she happily used to amplify her punch.

Pow.

Unprepared for the sheer force, Crash flew off to the side, staggering for a few moments before he fell on his side and screamed in agony.

Weiss smiled as she and the others cheered. “And of course, to top it all off, they used all four at once, with the Tsunami-Fist, and the Firestorm-Fist,” she thought, grinning.

“Holy fucking shit!” the MC cried. “They actually did it!”

Taiyang pulled his foot off Yang before anyone could notice, she bit back a wince as she looped her arm around his side, hiding his holding her up as they waved and smiled at the audience.

“Get the fuck out of here!” the MC cried. “And forget your prize money until you can show us proof you two aren't modded to hell and back!”

“Cheaters!”

“We'll get you for this!”

“Fuck you! Probably got secret robot arms and shit!”

“It's called 'Martial Arts,' people!” Taiyang called out as he and Yang walked back to the stands. “Look it up!”

The two of them finally noticed the costumed quartet in the audience, calm amidst the raging and frothing audience members. Yang discretely mouthed “Train Station,” and they all began to make their way out of the bar.

They didn't talk, didn't look at each other, didn't give anyone a hint that they knew one other, for fear of them getting caught in the fast brewing riot.

And once they were at the nearest train station and well away from the Shithole, they dropped it faster than Yang and Taiyang had the Bash Brothers.

“Dad!” Ruby cried, pulling off her mask and dropping her scythe before she jumped right into Taiyang's arms, smiling and crying as she lovingly nuzzled his face into his chest.

“Ruby!” Taiyang cried as he hugged her back, crying and smiling too. “Oh my gosh, you are still so tiny even though you've grown up so much, I love it!”

The others stood to the side as father and daughter reunited, tears, laughter, and excited chatting filling the air.

Yang smiled, sniffing as she wiped away the tears welling up in her eyes. She turned to the others, and paused. “Hey... how'd you afford to send all four of you guys here? Did Uncle Qrow stop spending his money on booze and invest it, or something?”

“Actually, we pawned my sister's Eluna plushie for money,” Weiss replied.

Yang's eyes widened. “Shit. One of those super rare toys people have literally killed each other over?”

Blake, Penny, and Weiss all nodded.

Yang chuckled as she put her arm around Weiss shoulder. “Well you did a great thing there, princess; you're good in my book.”

Weiss smiled underneath the mask. “Thank you.”

“Hey, mind if I ask what's your costume?” Yang asked. “I feel like I should know it, but I can't put my finger on it...”

“It's a modification of the 'Keeper's Bride,'” Weiss replied.

Yang paused. “… And why would you wear that…?”

“… Because me and Ruby are”--she made a nervous sexy animal noise--”now…?”