#no more ties to my past life.
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there's something very delightful that my first actual academic(-adjacent) publication is happening after i've left academia
#i mean. i did take on the project when i was still working.#but i did most of it during summer#and it comes out in a few months#i did translations and notes for a bunch of ancient astrology texts about wlw <3#honestly proudest of this#more than my other stuff#anyway i completed it and checked the proofs#and it's for real now!#also. i am now done with all of my academic obligations and commitments.#no more ties to my past life.#the only adult life i've ever known.#so. yknow. bittersweet.#weird feels.
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this season is doing wacky things to everyone.
skizz has decided he can't be a nice guy anymore (despite his history and nature to be charitable and give back to the server and be the super heroes of the server so to speak)
impulse has gone absolutely nuts and has been accusing everyone of stealing cows right off the bat and seems to have a hunger for victory
and bdubs etho and tango have formed the "tuff guys" cause "nice guys finish last"
so.... people who ahve all historically been part of skizz's superhero gangs are going bad
meanwhile gem and joel who are historically known to kill and steal and antagonize and live on their own etc are making friends with alliums and treating their friends as family
oh how the turn tables
#everyone seems to be hungrier for victory this season#theyre all thinking about their nature and wondering if that's why they've failed in past seasons#straight up skizz says like “no more Mr nice guy” because he's too nice and it gets him killed#and its literally in the tuff guy slogan “nice guys finish last”#and gem and joel both in episode 1 said “I've made a lot of enemies” and (either) “i want to make amends” or “i want to change my strategy”#because the enemy making wasnt helping to win#interesting things#skizzleman#impulsesv#team best#team ties#bdoubleo100#ethoslab#tangotek#tuff guys#geminitay#smallishbeans#wild life smp#wild life spoilers#life series spoilers#life series#pixls things
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#feeling so silly lawwlll walking in circles#i thnk im feeling a special type of way ..#i know i keep going on ab the samw bs and how crazy gf YEAAH UEAH WE GET IT#but i thnk in doing so im like revisiting parts of myself and writing more and i think im jst being sentimental#sooo sentimental .. so saccharine ..#everyone has been rly nice ab my art LIKE SOOOOO NICE RECENTLY#and imean people always have like im very lucky and grateful 2 be able to feel like i can share my hobby .. ^__^#but i thjnk like . to take smth that is so representational of my like . art goals and wants from a young age#ouuyyyyuuuuuyyfff T__T ooiujjjjjj#I DONT KNWWW i dont know . i dont know what im saying but i feel like i just need 2 talk abd be like hey this is so reaffirming .needs 2#i think like . bc my life turned out soo different than i imagined ive been dealing w like . a lot of hopelessness and feeling soo stuck and#stagnant and idk bad things and in a way i think like . coming back 2 something years later and being able to see progress in such a physica#physical way and to feel like more at ease and more like myself than i ever have is rly crazy and making me think long and hard abt stuff#and its all of these like . reflections im dealing w that r then padded by like some of the nicest comments and tags itslike#head in my hands /pos . grief but like ij a way happy grief#INFEEL SOOO RIDICULOUS its ridiculous it rly is IHAHAHAHAHAHA#i think its bc im turning 25 soon and thats the age i told myself id never live past iykwim which ks like crazy to drop on tmblrdotcom#but there r so many emotions tied 2 that and i think this is just one of the things^ stupid fanart ^ that makes me rly happy idk#do you know what i mean . like i feel so goofy saying it but its genuinely the connection i rly appreciate and means a lot 2 me#i feel like my ‘thank yous/i appreciate it/ means a lot’ grow tired but its soo fr every time i swear#kicking rocks or watever . i wish i cld extend my gratitude but anyways . thanks 4 reading this far if u have#ughg man and i think of the friends ive made thru this blog specifically nd my eyes r burning#sorp.. guys i love u all thank u.
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Small drawing collection of my latest creation Emran as a teenager/freshly minted Air Acolyte, for my dear partner in unhinged OC shenanigans @katkastrofa, as promised <3
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#original character#I need to figure out a way to tag these guys#like with renny and dori I just put sotrl in front of their names and that works#but emran is technically an LaF character. though not uniquely tied to that verse. and idk what to do with Ila and Alasie#maybe I need to have some unique oc tag or smth. I’ll figure it out#if you’re wondering why I stayed up until half past 7 a.m to draw this it’s because I needed some way to cool down#after the kuviren smut absolutely broke my brain#and what better way to do that than by drawing my sweet baby boy?#yes lmao he went from baby girl to baby boy in like 24 hours. fucking sue me#but actually. actually!! they’re both. they contain multitudes :)#they probably haven’t even realised that at this point and are still in disguise#convinced that she’ll be punished for her deceit if anyone found out that she’s actually a girl#(okay off topic but the switching pronouns are really fun lmao)#but give them time. they’ll figure it out soon enough. in these pieces they’re slowly getting used to temple life#and that is the first step to self acceptance#I’m actually extremely proud of these. especially the one with the apple basket. I feel like the androgynous vibes are really there#and he looks like his brother the most in it#but the others are fun too. I loved doing the portrait. I should do them more often#and.. I will admit. I traced the lemur. I can barely draw people okay how do you expect me to draw animals#but I just think that Aiza would really love a little lemur friend#animals don’t judge and she doesn’t have to watch herself around them. she can just be. plus the lemurs are really cute <3#I want to eventually do a companion to this with Aiza instead. maybe from back before she ran away#probably something based on reflection from Mulan too bc the vibes are there. though.. to be completely honest#I’d say they have a lot more of Shurochka Azarova’s vibes than Mulan. but that’s just my love for Soviet cinema taking over#it’s essentially if mulan fought napoleon instead. and when discovered instead of left to die they promoted her to lieutenant 😁#I realise the comparison is completely incomprehensible to everyone but me but.. go watch the hussar ballad. it’s free on YouTube with subs#okay enough rambling. i shall now go to bed. @ Kat I hope this brightens up your morning at least somewhat. I love you!!
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Really digging out the old OCs now; Pan-na, Pilok, Azalea, squirrel boys Will and Damien, and Cupid and Venus <3 (Patreon)
#Doodles#Original#The Original Onslaught has begun >:) *stock maniacal laughter*#Lots of old faces! Lots of unfamiliar faces haha#You might actually recognize the last two individual boys as Blind Willie and Big Boy - those two I've Actually posted over here lol#The rest not so! Goshdang! I actually don't think I post Azalea much of anywhere lol like Maybe once on DA? Possibly? Heck#Same with Pan-na now that I think of it actually she's a Tomodachi Life-specific character haha#I had a few that despite not being fandom-tied I just can't get rid of to make room <3 They're residents! I'd miss them!#I really spoiled Pan-na - lots of cute clothes and a pretty room - so she gets special treatment in doodles too haha#Pilok was made while I was really into making original species on DA - anyone else here fill out the long development sheet? Fun stuff haha#I wish I'd finished a few more memes that got popular on DA back then ♪ Like the OC Remix! Very fun I made a rough of one years ago#Looking at Pilok now she kinda reminds me of the aliens from the DBZ special where Bardock gets sent to the past lol#Azalea was another random design that got a few doodles 'cause I thought she was edgy and cool haha#A more animalistic take on a stomachmouth - I don't think she can talk even she's just shaped like a humanoid maybe to blend in? Dunno#Oh looking back at my notes she was only supposed to have three fingers lol oh well#I don't think I ever drew her with her stomach open either but I'm pretty? sure I always imagined it being teeth-lined haha#Chomp#Squirrel boys! If you remember a few years ago I tried to draw Will again and was like ''>:?your face'' lol - I think I got it better now!#Still not 100% but better! He has very Shaped features haha#Big Boy turned out silly haha very one-large-anime-eyed - he deserves it lol#His hair falling over itself looked cool in my early doodles :0 Careful lines! Not so careful now lol#And Buzz is just missing haha#And finally Cupid and Venus <3 <3 I don't remember now but those two and their third girlfriend Spider might've been my first polycule? :0#These two were a couple before inviting her in tho haha - there's a whole big backstory of how they met and all that#Venus was one of the main characters in Other Side of the Gun and then split off into her own side story with Cupid- It's a whole Thing#They're very sweet tho <3 I love them ♥#Kinda seasonal for Cupid haha I didn't plan that! Her favourite holiday is Valentine's Day of course
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I love crawling out of the depths, opening up tumblr, and seeing your art. I love it.
it is quite interesting how social media can fall to the wayside, and people on the internet can just disappear forever if they really wanted to! I admit I struggle to keep up with "public accounts", they are uniquely stressful and I solute your hibernating tenacity. always lovely to see you resurface regardless, thank you very much for the lovely compliment...
I will say in case any of my dear followers were wondering where i've gone for the past month and a half, for weeks i've been pondering how to even broach the enormity of the topic that is: I made the mistake of thinking about my most favorite character for more than 2 minutes in one sitting. I intentionally go out of my way to avoid this and have many strategies to evade this occurring because every time I do enter a sort of hermetically sealed mental chamber where it's just me and him and his life and I begin to ignore all points of previously established social contact and also my health indefinitely. It's difficult to convey the emotional experience of this or its psychic magnitude. and it's hard to say "guys i really love this character!" because that's just words. you can't see it. the 10 years of obsessively thinking about some guy so intensely on&off cyclically until you've made 20 different worlds he's living in... how does one convey the depth of these without artistically depicting them as you see them to be...? i am trying to figure it out. currently planning a longform comic for my favorite and several smaller comics for others, but logically an individual can understand this takes a while... he and I have had multiple rendezvous over the past decade and I wish I had more "historical" art to show but for many of these years I have been a bit too physically disabled to draw, the past several weeks have been spent attempting to recreate his ideal form as he exists in my head. he is starting to come around!
I typed up three separate disquisitions last month to try and explain my feelings on him and none of them felt like the proper vessel to communicate this concept. which is likely for the best. the obvious answer is "just draw him". fine with this being the case, difficult when I have so many drawing ideas I'm now sitting on 100+ works in progress and they just keep accumulating since my brain generates these like an old laptop you leave in the corner of your room to mine bitcoin. in a way I'm content with this being a very "personal" experience thus far, shared with me and those in my inner social circle (really cannot emphasize to my readers enough how fandom can poison your constitution without self-checked moderation). however... I yearn to meet others who are as passionately involved with him as I am, because I think we could coalesce our ideas, and passion, into something beautiful...
^dio brando
#lucy art#might seem humorous to you that I get so emotional over dio brando every day that I get nauseated and sometimes cry. but tis my atlas#i could not tell you if jojo is actually good by the way outside of sbr which is the best part objectively#dio relapses occur ~once every 2 years and whenever they do i reread dio the invader thirty times and nothing else in the series#hes the only character ive ever bought merchandise for..I hated history until I met him now i can't read any kind of fiction but historical#sorry by the way to use your innocuous compliment as an excuse to talk about dio. wish it was not contrarian to my nature to just make#''posts'' publicly unprompted. i prefer to journal... i don't know how active I will be after this post even. will likely just go back to#sitting with him in a dark room until I finish any/all of the projects I've started#which is mildly unfortunate since I love to collaborate in the marketplace of ideas... my compatriots are out there somewhere#jojo is more popular than it was ''back in my day'' i don't know maybe some of you guys like it. asks always welcome lord knows#I've already pestered my friends with thousands of words about him already over this past month#sidenote: sasha askblog is not abandoned + never will be... it is a fun side project. like many things in life. much planned for him too
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something i've always been curious about is like. how do si dom/si dom or se dom/se dom relationships work. what can those ppl talk about for hours on end. what do these conversations even look like
#like. my 5 cents as a ne dom is that i've been surrounding myself with ne users all my life so maybe uh#i shan't be so quick to judge...? like#not when my right hand arm. man & silly rabbit over the past years had been an intp. + a bunch of enfps#and not when in any given group setting i can & will crawl towards the first ne user i see. on all fours#but. like. being a high ne user kinda implies the ability & urge to yap about anything to anyone at any given time? & much more but. yj#yk*#so far in my life i've had no problem getting along with se/ti ppl#(...for the most part. anyway)#but si doms in general? have you met one.#like i can actually visualize a si dom x se dom dynamic but.#2 si doms? man.#i mean i (unfortunately) have witnessed a si dom x si dom couple in their natural habitat (work) but i've never heard them talk beyond like.#The Weather#i'm also vaguely aware of him throwing tantrums & her trying to salvage things afterwards but. das it#and 2 se doms? i mean. 1 se dom (esp like. a ti user) is like#not that bad esp if we're talking like. mano-a-mano#but 2 of them? jesus...#the glimpses i caught of that all looked like that one elon musk and joe rogan bit 🚬💀
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been looking in tags for a few days now to see if anyone else found the whole high cloud quintet and related story to be a bit.....poorly written, nonsensical, contradictory, full of plot holes and loose ends, etc. apparently i'm not the only one. (and i'm not even talking about shipping stuff, because any time I saw someone mad about bad writing, someone always replies to be homophobic and laugh about failed ships. weirdos.) it could have been so good but was thrown into the garbage for the most part (IF you noticed all the plot holes and contradiction. if not, then it's a fine enough story tbh. I expect most people to see it on surface level and not read all the little hidden lore bits and try to piece it together like my autistic brain did. which is ok! enjoy it if you liked it and ignore me 😆)
#apparently one of the writers did it on purpose. wont explain here. you can find it elsewhere. but it makes sense now#that's why it fell apart and didnt make sense in the end#ive seem people say anyone mad about it is a shipper and thats why. they use it as an excuse to be homophobes#youre gross get out of thos fandom. im here as someone upset about the story who was very skeptical about any ship theories and focused#more on plot theories and overall friendship and stuff so its not even about shipping you het weirdos!!!#the contradictions and plot holes are bd regrdless of who you ship lmao stop reducing it to that#aure its fine if you ignlre those plot holes. but it happened to be the little plot holes that interested me the most so its obvious to me😅#cant wait until a talented writer in the fandom rewrites the whole story a lot better and fills in the holes and ties up the end better#please someone do this 😭#lee text#hsr#i just wanted a close found family who met a tragic end#my idea for a better way to write it is dan feng wanted free from the high elder cycle and yingxing helped him create a new elder#but it went wrong and failed because the preceptors fed him wrong info hopong it woukd destroy dan feng since they hated him#instead it was yingxing that died and dan feng selfishly brought him back somehow and thats why hes immortal and hates dan heng now#they created a monster in the process that made a mess and baiheng died trying to kill it maybe but hit its weak spot#so it was weaked enough for jingliu to slay it#maybe for a plot twist jing yuan somehow knew the preceptors were up to something and didnt stop the two because#they were too stubborn and he knew it would do nothing#we know the dragon heart disappeared so either it ended becoming bailu in the end#or it could be inaide blade bow. another fun possible plot twist. they never explained where it went so it coukd be a n y w h e r e#i had other ideas but i forget now. bht baiheng deserves better as well. just being a plot mechanism to make two dudes be stupid#is kinda bland and boring and wasted her character. she deserves better too!!!!#id write this if i had the time and brain power but ill hope someone else does it instead#OH yeah i forgot a big idea. dan feng and yingxing perhaps try to also kill the arbor and end the abundance and long life/reincarnation#and maybe that was one part that led to it all going wrong or something. since yingxing wanted revenge on the abundance for destroying#his home and family???? and dan feng wanted to escape the cycle? similar wants that worked together snd failed#these are all ideas from past theories i read and my own ideas i came up with all of which are better than what that bad writer did!#these are very incomplete ideas that im sure someone else can write better#lee rambles
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The silhouette of a figure in the doorway. A picture of Hawaii before WWII.
I am hoping beyond hope that a plot dream I've been having has escaped containment inside my head and has infected some poor writer to bring my dream to life.
#green lantern#alan scott#dc comics#it's a little muddled but maybe it's also combining a second green lantern plot x ??? plot ive been having more recently as the first#was older#anyway#they're both alan scott x ted grant related so... 😘#the og was ted having a love affair with a man over a series of years who ultimately lost his life during pearl harbor and hadnt loved sinc#but if they change that to alan that's cool too im not tied to it#my OTHER idea tho was alan and ted pining for each other and never revealing it to the other after all these years#and todd and jade find out and meddle#and we get this past and present story that shows ted and alan DID date for a period of time#since both heroes were operating in gotham in their careers#anyway at the end it's revealed they either had to sacrifice their relationship to save the world and either gave up#their memories of each other in that way#or they were stolen#either way at the end alan gets his memories back first and then explains to ted what happens and gives his memories back#and ted brings him in for a kiss#let's be honest with how the starheart slows alan's aging down and ted's multiple lives they're perfect for each other#and ted grant gives off bi vibes
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also
#im making huge huge changes in my life and i think the next logical step would be to cut off jamie. ive already been ghosting him but thats#just me avoiding the problem. i just like. it feels fucked to be like hey i told you i was ok with what you did but i Changed my mind#i just think like. i have next to no contact with him and i feel fucking fantastic. we talk like every couple months on the rare occurrence#he can text and then i answer in vague short sentences and ghost. and now that i finally have firm boundaries with him and havent engaged#with him sexually its like. i feel like basically all my ties are cut. and i feel like im ready to let go for the first time. like ive#always felt like i just wasnt ready but now i like i Am ready its just a matter of like. doing it. thats difficult. even though i know hell#accept it because hes matured. and like. idk. i think its fine like this#and idk i think its fine like this. being the absolute barest form of acquaintances. i cannot stress how little we interact and how little#affect he has on my life at this point outside of what happened in the past. like i am in a good place he is 99% cut off i just need to do#the last bit. but like also fuck. you know. its hard to kinda finish it off. and its also like ooh it would hurt his feelings but now i#fucking. dont care lol. after everything. with blue i realize every day just how much more respected i feel and less gross and shitty#even with being jamies friend which we never were because whenever i was single we were sexual. i just felt bad. i never wanted to fuck#either. and he would say he loved me and id be like hahaha yeahhhh and now that ive finally drawn that boundary and said he cant do that#anymore i feel so much lighter and i just feel so happy and safe with blue in a way ive never felt with jamie and its like. im almost there#i feel like i might be able to cut him off by the end of the year. and thats crazy to me. i just also have a lot of like shit to unpack#in general too also. with what he did. and i just have a lot. but i feel like im progressing
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It's almost like holding people accountable for some sort of shared guilt based on imagined communities (see here: nations) is both unpleasant and unconstructive
#this is about the recent increase in US/UK specific hostilities based on cultural differences#no we are not getting anywhere by doing nationalism again#i see so many bad faith takes about life on either side of the pond and my question is. do we think these will increase our understanding???#will we like each other better for it? are we actually like ACTUALLY tied to defending our national identities online????#your 'nation' is a gathering together of people based on a governmental structure and no more#in order for this governance to be successful it must provide people with some sort of notion to rally around#it could be religion! a glorious past! a language!#the trick is getting you to feel like you belong. while many of these rallying features that define nationhood to you specifically [...]#might never enter someone elses definition#anyway lets all hold hands and make daisy chains or at least if we have to bicker lets make it over something less politically manipulative
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useless complaint post literally you don’t have to bother reading this it will just help me to rant a bit
This is sooooo not a real issue I’m just in the throes of pmdd but like I have a bunch of semi-expected (but way earlier than I’d thought) unemployed time so I’m using its alignment with the warm weather to go backpacking/live out of my car in [nearby national park and national forests] but right now I feel zero enthusiasm and I really hope it’s not gonna suck bc my heart’s not in it…like if I’m kind of doing it out of obligation bc it’s unusual to have such an extended span of time off when you’re an adult, then am I going to have the drive to get thru the parts that suck, like the exhaustion of steep trail days, the days when it storms so hard you have zero dry gear, etc. but really the part that I’m the most trepidatious about is the loneliness. But it’s so weird bc I’m struggling socially here and I really think some extended alone time would help?? But it’s always hard and I don’t want to lololol. Honestly what would help this the most is to just wait until after my fucking period. But as it is right now I feel like I’m just going thru the motions. If I could fucking live in my house for the equivalent amount of time without my social life encroaching I absolutely would but I’m so burnt out from my close friends leaving and from my last dear relationship here being at times really tough (it’s one that feels like my well-being rides on it— when it’s good, I’m on top of the world, when it’s not I’m hurt and confused and crawling out of my own skin). I still have a community here but it feels like it’s my roommates’ world, and I’m a guest whose presence is like…anodyne at best? And I really think I’ve just latched onto the idea of my trip as a vague mental escape hatch and haven’t really grasped the idea of the fact that I’ll still be present in my ailing brain and treacherous body when I go on the trip— I’m not just taking a nap from my (admittedly spoiled little baby) problems. And when I did the same thing for 3 or 4 weeks last summer I was dropped off & picked up, which created a really nice incentive to stay on trail— to leave, I’d have had to somehow communicate & coordinate with the relatives who’d agreed on a set date to come pick me up, i.e. effectively trapping me in the woods so I’d stay when I got all grumpy or sad or began semi-hallucinating human voices or was ready to throw it all away to get my hands on a slice of pepperoni pizza and a big old kombucha lol.
Anyways this is such not a real problem but me ol’ paranoid ass is convinced a whole passel of my irls have this blog’s url so I can’t freely complain about what’s really bothering me, which is that I’m starting to see harbingers of the devastating dissolution of my closest relationship. Or, even worse, my relegation to a much more distant connection. And I’m trying desperately to convince myself I should stay in this fucking town, because I’m suuuuuuuuper prone to just fleeing when I start to feel [inaudible], which is a super unsustainable way to live my life and o know it’s not [city] I’m trying to flee but myself which scientists are telling me I can’t physically do…but is that the truth?? Or is the truth that I actually do need a clean break from [redacted]…or is that just a convenient lie I’m telling myself so I can flee again. Or is THAT a convenient lie I’m telling myself so that I can keep my head in the sand and keep [redacted]. It’s so cool how you can’t trust your own heart and mind and you might just suffer from uncertainty forever and you’ll die chasing happiness with the grass always greener but also like pmdd and I don’t really want to go on this trip but I think I must. I think…
#like. even this trip itself is evidence that my nature is just a fucking flee-er.#and I think I’d settle for love but like that would require someone to love me. lol#and I’ve got some semblance of it here but it’s not enough and it’s very fucking painful. like what happens if the strongest ties you may#ever render are just enough. bc you’re not enough. lol#also I think I have to leave when I said I’d leave bc my internal shameometer prevents me from telling my male roommate I’m staying#solely to use the toilet during um well you know.#and also the more I come to terms with the fact that I’m almost definitely autistic the more I really can see how much masking fucking#drains me.#and the friends who left were the ones around whom I didn’t really feel the need to mask. but these social things the past few weeks have#fucking walloped me and I’m just :-( ;-( :-(#oops did not mean to make him wink.#and it just feels like the rest of my life is going to be a cycle of masking for long enough that someone likes me. and then being#abandoned by them for romantic relationships or some geographical distance reason or like ummm fucking liability by lorde reasons#ugsjkskwnenwjsmz :-( :-/
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im so lucky to know so many people in my life to have met so many people in my life that are just life saving ill never not feel lucky people are so beautiful and kind and talented and funny and have so much worth everyone ive ever met anyone in my life i have ever touched i just cant believe it ill never be able to understand it how important everyone is how much i love people the degree to whihc i love people and everyone i have ever met ill just never ever be able to express the depth of how important it is to me it might be the most important part of my entire life. i just need people to know how much i love them im desperate for it to be known how important everyone ive ever met is to me. all of my friends everyone whos ever been kind to me and whoever ive been kind to it will never be lost on me how important it is. and i feel so lucky to be graced i guess by my friends. i cant imagine the life i would live without every event every person who ive ever crossed. i would never sacrifice anything to not be where i am now because of the people i know and have known. the people i know and talk to everyday or the people i see in a notification or pass by. i cant overstate your importance to me. i cant overstate how important i want people to feel. i want people to see themselves how i see them. i can not overstate your importance to me and i love you. im so lucky ill never be able to take it
#i just want ti go to sleep but i cant my sleep schedule has been so miserably depressing me#not that badly. i cherish every moment i have with the people around me and i cherish how lucky i am to be surrounded by such unbe#lievable people. i am happy everyday because people love me.#this will never be lost on me. the importance of it. the importance you all have will never ever be lost on me. your worth as a human being#you are so kind. you are so talented. you are loved by people because you are seen by people that way. i will never lose this#im miserably desperate for everyone i know to feel loved or to know that i love them. nothing will ever ever ever in my whole fucking life#ever be more important to me#nothing in my fucking life will ever be more important than that. please know how much you mean to this. to everything#i dont know what changed but i cry so often now and every single time my thoughts wander to how deeply i feel about this#im just sobbing and sobbing and im like. i love the people that care for me. i love the people i care for#i know when i stop crying or when the day rolls over i get to talk to everyone again. and i feel so lucky. i feel so desperate to explain it#how. much. it. means. to me. How badly i mean this and everything I say.#i dont fucking care if yoire my mutual from fandom or someone who random followed because my blog was funny#someone i talked to once or twice. you mean so much. i swear to god. ill never be mpre genuine or more serious. i guess#thats very kind of you to do that. or like my posts or anything. youre very kind for that. you mean alot to me.#i just dont want to fall asleep when the sun rises and wake up with a few hours to talk to people before im alone#i really hate it right now. and my neutral state has genuinely just been on the brink of crying. like if i sit still too long i just sob#thats genuinely how i have been for the past few days#and thats not the fault of anyone its just how my brain has been treating me#but whdn i get like this i just remember how lucky i feel about everything. like the depth of my feelings#you really just have to trust me when i say like how forever sincere and deep snd monumental it is to me. like please understand the depth#of when i say i love you. dear god i love everyone ive ever met i love you. please please please please understand how desperate i am#i will never ever feel more strongly about anything. i cant imagine it#i have to make this exact same fucking post over and over again#i need to keep saying it man#i need people to love themselves like i love them#the degree to which i say the word need#anyway. i love you. i hope you have fun or are happy about something. or draw write something nice. talk to your best friend. something
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Another one of those ... 'i' ve been lucky' but... Having ASD really makes you easier to manipulate and use and I feel I've been fortune to not have come across anyone who have done such to me...
#miranda talking shit#Maybe its a mix of... I have trust issues so anyone who seems shady early on i drop. Along with being fast to pick up on good intentions#And more but likw.... I stop and think about how easy i am and could have been to use in like any way... And its scary.#Now i trust any of people i have in my life for many years and they wouldn't intentionally hurt me.#But i also am aware my trust for them is very .... Intense. They could tell me or ask me to do anything and i would not question it#But it takes a minimum of a year or two of regular contact for me to grow that trust to anyone . But once i have it .... A LOT is needed#For it to go away. I guess i can thank my father and brothers for making me mistrust men to this point... If i didnt have my past of#Problems id probably have gotten into bad people's radars. Im so glad ive been okay though#Its just scary ti think about. Ill catch myself believing stupid shit my friends tell me so easily sometimes and im like... Yeah i have#So much faith in my close contacts they would ruin me if they ever wanted to. Luckily i know they wont. I mean...
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#i usually do everything in my power to Not think like this but i have to get it out of my head#there have been so many times recently where i think about my acting and my life goals and i just. want to give it all up#i am so tired and i have these moments of incredible hopelessness#and i feel like nothing has ever worked out for me & i’ve always had terrible timing with reaching my goals…#i think about even the one big goal that i HAVE lived and achieved through hard work (last year’s internship that i’ve mentioned a couple ti#times on here) gave some incredible memories but it also wreaked havoc on my mental health and my studies#now i’m burned out a lot of the time. i have undiagnosed adhd and probably autism as well — which i would never use as an excuse for not bei#being able to do something but it is HARD because my mom won’t believe that I’m neurodivergent#and it is difficult to be productive#Also Christmastime always makes me sad so there’s that#but point is. sometimes i want to give up#and i have never been someone to quit on my dreams so i feel pretty shitty for even entertaining the idea#i know that acting and every other art form that i love is what i WANT and i can’t think of much else that would make me happy#but sometimes i am just so tired i… don’t even want to try anymore#disappointment and the fear of more disappointment just becomes too much#i just want to get away from my past and start over#belle speaks#stories of my life#adventures in showbiz
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I have obtained a new oc and in the process I've already signed myself up for needing to make at least 3 new ocs for his story which he now has despite me initially Intending for him to be a side character for a different side character to hang out with. My townhouse has over 200 characters on it.
#rat rambles#oc posting#he doesn't have an official name yet but he is my silly billy and I love him#also take every him with an asterisk again he's like super new (I just got him today)#although several elements of his story so far have been things Ive been wanting to do for a while so thats a part of why I have so many#ideas for him already since its some stuff I've been wanting to play around with for a while#the real reason he has a chokehold on me rn is that I tripped and made him my 500 thousanth character with identity issues#I <3 characters with a fucked up relationship with their sense of self and what it even means to be themself#oh hes also a magic cat world character because thats what like 90% of my ocs are from at this point lol#and another goop related guy but this time not directly related to every other goop guy#he doesnt interact with any of them or even know most of them exist#long story short hes a robot who used to not be a robot but remembers nothing abt his life before he turned himself into a robot#all he has as reference is a mostly ruined journal his past self kept that is almost entirely unreadable due to it getting soaked in goop#he knows that this was self inflicted and his approximate age but that's abt it in terms of useful information#early story is mostly just him traveling alone trying to see if anyone nearby knows who he is but after going through like 5 or so towns he#starts to get more worried and upset about the whole situation and starts trying to look into some different missing person reports in#hopes that he can find one of himself#he runs out of the savings he had on him pretty quickly though so he had to figure out how to stay afloat while doing his research#'luckily' he meets a man while looking into one case he found who was willing to let him stick around at his place while looking into it#this guy had some investment in these dissapearances because he suspected that they related to his father and hoped to find any sort of#window in what he was up to since he hadnt seen him since he ran away at around 17#spoilers his dad is cake this is still connected to cake nonsense because everything in this world fucking does but the main boy himself#actually has no ties to cake or his activities so thats smth at least#but yeah long story short things get. real bad for my boy after the first few months of staying at this guy's place.#yknow how risa in the future was often used as a weapon of war using some unstable chemicals? yeah guess where that started.#mr daddy issue haver over here may understand that his dad is a bad person but evidently that doesnt stop him from being not much better#currently Im planning on having main boy escape eventually and get stuck in the non magic world where he meets april but that could change#it depends on if I want him to interact with the other stories going on at all or not#I probably wont but I would like to leave myself some wiggle room to let him meet more side characters#like (looks with big sad wet eyes) ginger maybe? please? please april? let me see your sister? that you havent seen in years? please?
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