#new form of depression unlocked

[saucerfulofsins]

Me: well I don't feel miserable all the time so im not dressed, i just feel empty and incapable of enjoyment and hopeless about the future

My therapist: well that is called anhedonia and is one of the major markers of clinical depression

[agents-are-dicks]

I’ve been too deep in the sads to force myself to eat anything more than some crackers or bits of a cookie lately. Like I can’t even get myself to eat my go to comfort foods or takeout. But let me tell y’all, I boiled some pasta and on a whim added some tomato soup I was considering eating (or at least attempting) with a grilled cheese as well as some cream cheese (with the pasta), and now if anyone needs me I’ll be eating this for every meal from here on out.

[babybearnation]

driving home for christmas

⎇oscar piastri x gn!reader - you're spending christmas alone... or are you? (oneshot) ⎇author's note: my first ever oneshot and ofc, it's a gift fic hehe. MERRY CHRISTMAS @koalapastries I HOPE YOU LIKE IT!!!!!!! (also sorry, i know you're australian but i know nothing about australian xmas so uhhh reader lives in england) ⎇content warnings: crying, implied depression, light angst with a happy ending ⎇word count: 1.1k

Y/n sighs, nudging the fridge door shut with their hip, a few things rattling inside. Christmas steadily ticks closer and closer and they were not looking forward to when the day would actually arrive. For the first time ever, they'd be spending Christmas alone, and they weren't looking forward to it.

Y/n sighs once more before focusing on making their hot chocolate, craving that much needed chocolatey warmth. Maybe it would make them feel better. Probably not, but it was worth a shot, right?

A bleep from their phone pulls their attention away and they look down at the device, placing the milk to one side to pick it up. What greets them is a text from their boyfriend, Oscar, who'd gone home to celebrate Christmas with his family. The message preview is just a simple [image attached]. Y/n smiles softly and unlocks the phone, a frown quickly forming on their face instead mere seconds later.

It's a cute photo - Oscar's got a silly little Santa hat on and there are all manner of tinsel and light decorations behind him - but Y/n feels bitter and jealous. Why couldn't they be there, celebrating with Oscar and his family?

Y/n sends back a few simple hearts before locking the device and turning back to finish making their drink with a heavy sign. They cradle the hot cup in their palms and stare around at their undecorated apartment with tired eyes.

"This holiday season is gonna suck."

"Hey baby." Y/n says, smiling as Oscar's handsome face fills their phone screen. His camera is more pixelated than normal and he appears to be in a car, the occasionally jerk to his body being captured by the camera.

"Hey, sorry. Meant to call you at home but something came up and now I have to go somewhere. Still wanted to call though." Oscar's voice crackles through the speakers, and Y/n smiles softly. It's a bit rough, but it's better than Oscar not calling at all.

"Where you off to?" Y/n asks, tucking their legs under themself as they stare at Oscar's form, albeit a much poorer quality version. Oscar hums distractedly before registering what Y/n had said, a soft blush coating his cheeks. Y/n's eyebrows furrow in confusion. What could possibly have him so distracted?

"Just a last minute visit to a family friend, that's all. Travelling across half of Australia for it." Oscar says and Y/n hums, frowning softly as they avoid looking at the screen. "You okay?" Y/n sighs at that. Why did everyone have to ask them that question all the fucking time?

"Just... first Christmas all alone, remember? Not even a pet to keep me company." Y/n scoffs, tears building in their eyes. They sigh and lift their head up, blinking away tears. "Sorry..."

"Baby, please, don't be sorry. I'm not gonna claim to know how you're feeling but I'm always gonna be here for you. I'll spend as much of my Christmas with you as I can, I promise you that." Oscar says, the endearing sweetness that made Y/n fall for him evident in his voice. When Y/n looks back down at their phone after blinking away the handful of tears that had graced their eyes, they're greeted by a softly smiling Oscar. Seconds later, he turns his phone, his mum appearing on the screen instead.

"Hello sweetie. Keep your chin up, okay? Next year, you can spend it with us if you're still alone." Nicole says, beaming at Y/n. Y/n smiles and chuckles softly, wiping away the new batch of tears that had sprung up out of nowhere. God, why did this make them so emotional?

"Thank you, Mama Piastri. That means a lot." Y/n smiles softly. Nicole smiles and wishes them a Merry Christmas before the camera is filled with Oscar's far too handsome face again. He looks apologetic and Y/n knows he's about to say goodbye. It hurts, but Y/n can't prevent it.

"I gotta go now, okay? I'll talk to you as soon as I can." Oscar says, a genuine sadness staining his expression. Y/n smiles and says their goodbyes, the call ending seconds later. Their phone drops to their lap as tears flood down their face.

Y/n winces as the brightness of their phone screen hits their face and fills their vision. December 25th, 7:18am. Still nothing from Oscar. It had been over an entire day of no Oscar and Y/n was starting to worry they'd scared him off with their crying a few days ago.

With a groan, Y/n rolls out of bed, padding over to the window. They tug open the curtains, taking in the frost-covered grass at the front of their house. A unfamiliar car is parked outside and Y/n grumbles to themself about neighbours not having the courtesy to ask to use the parking space before doing so.

The more they observe the random newcomer car, the more they notice. The driver is still inside, and unlike the other, more familiar cars that dot the street, this one seems relatively unblemished by the ice and frost outside. Y/n furrows their eyebrows before sighing and turning from the window.

"What am I doing?" Y/n murmurs. They cross to their dresser and pull out some clothes when an insistent knocking sounds at the door. They huff and drop their clothes onto their bed before traipsing out of their room.

Seriously, who the fuck was knocking at damn near 7:30am on fucking Christmas Day? Y/n was alone, sure, but no one else they knew was alone and all of their neighbours kept to themselves on Christmas Day. So who the fuck was it?

Y/n tears the door open as they reach it before freezing, eyes wide in shock at who stands before them. "Oscar?"

"Surprise." Oscar says. Y/n doesn't let him speak further after that, diving into his arms. His bags clatter and thud against the floor as he drops them, lacing his arms around Y/n's torso. "You didn't think I'd let you spend Christmas all alone, did you?" He whispers into their hair.

Y/n pulls away and cups his face, tears threatening to drip from their lash line. Oscar reaches up and wipes away the dampness, a soft smile on his face. Y/n tugs him into a kiss, not caring who could see. Oscar responds eagerly, fingers dipping below the hem of their shirt, brushing along Y/n's soft skin.

"I love you. I love you so much. I love you, Oscar." Y/n says. It's the first time they've said it, yet they know they mean it with each and every fiber of their being. Oscar smiles and kisses them again, tugging them even closer.

"I love you too, baby. Merry Christmas."

© all rights to babybearnation 2024.

[lordprettyflackotara]

blue || masky

SMUT MINORS DNI 18+. tw: this is really depressing angsty smut / this is the au/theorywhere masky isn’t a split personality but instead an alter ego tim created to cope with his new homicidal tendencies as a proxy

Masky stared at the outside of your house, the yellow illumination from your bedroom window signaling to him you were awake. As usual, you were always a night owl.

It had been four months since he had mysteriously disappeared. Tim Wright along with Brian Thomas both vanished into thin air exactly four months ago. Neither of the two had been seen since, the trail detectives followed leading to a dead end. Since then Masky couldn’t bring himself to recall the horrors he had been through. His brain had been fried to practical mush, his humanity and grasp of reality slipping away more and more each day. But even through it all, he couldn’t forget you. You were his first love, his one true love in this lifetime. Despite The Operator’s attempts to make him forget you and protest to him seeing you, Masky still made it to your back door.

He had been stalking you from a far in his spare time, reading your diary and making sure you were taken care of. He knew you kept a spare key in the plant by your back door, hoping he’d come to you. He dug in the shallow dirt, locating the key. He’d come back for you, one last time.

Masky had tried to live his life in black and white since becoming a proxy, but it still had the faintest tint of blue everytime he thought of you. He was only human after all. He unlocked your back door, slipping inside of your quiet house with ease. Your cat, Bee, rubbed against his leg, purring in delight. The white cat adored him, her satisfaction ensuing from his mere presence. Masky petted her gently, before chuckling as she brushed her long tail against his gloved hand. “Where’s my princess Bee? Take me to her,” He whispered. Sure, Masky could’ve made an educated guess, your television upstairs still playing whatever show you were binge watching. You usually did that, fall asleep while staying up late. Masky usually would tuck you in afterwards, making sure the ac was lowered and the tv was turned off. He wondered if he’d be able to do the same now, Bee’s collar jingling as she climbed upstairs.

Masky followed behind her, taking a deep breath as she pranced into your room. “Hi Bebe, come here,” You greeted. Masky took this as his cue to round the corner, taking off his mask. Your eyes widened, your body unable to move fast enough to scramble to get out of bed. You ran to your lover, throwing your arms around him in pure bliss. You soaked in his forest like scent, holding him close to you. “Tim, you’re back,” You cried, tears of joy forming in your eyes. Masky reluctantly hugged you back, patting your hair with one hand while the other held you close. “Hey there princess,” Masky greeted, the sweet nostalgic nick name sounding like pure honey. You nuzzled your face into his chest, afraid to loosen your grip. “I knew you’d come back to me,” You say. You weren’t able to hide the smile that danced across your lips. You looked up, your eyes brighter than Masky had seen them in months. “I’m not here to stay, i’m here to say goodbye,” He informed you. Your smile fell, as did your face. Your eyebrows furrowed, causing you to take a step back. “Goodbye? What happened to you? Are you out of your mind?” You asked, your voice cracking.

Masky took your hand guiding you over to the bed. He sat down on the edge of the mattress and began spilling his guts. He told you everything he could remember, most of his memory unreliable and spotty. He told you about Brian becoming Hoodie, The Operator, what his life been like the past four months. He watched your face shift from disbelief to pure horror. Tears had pricked in the corners of your eyes, your big eyes welling up uncontrollably. You tried to keep the hysterics inside, keeping a straight face as Masky told you everything. At first you hoped he was joking, that this was some sort of sick joke he was playing on you. The sorrow that laced each word told you that he was far from joking. His face had hardened drastically upon closer inspection, faint scars revealed through the illumination of your television on his neck. As he finished you both sat in silence, Bee rubbing against his leg. "Oh Tim...." You whispered. You threw your arms around him, nuzzling your face into the crook of his neck. Masky returned your hug, flashes of the gruesome murders he had committed flashing though his mind. "Tim died a long time ago princess, i'm what remains. My name is Masky," He whispered back. Unlike Hoodie who had developed a split personality, Tim created an alter homicidal ego to deflect the things he had done onto.

Timothy Wright died on the basement floor somewhere in the mansion, the ancient concrete bricks the last thing he had saw. The last thought he had though? Was of you. Your sweet smile, your laughter. He held you for a moment, listening to you softly cry into his jacket. He wondered if he should have even came. Maybe you would've been better off wondering what happened to him for the rest of your life. The ignorance would have been bliss. You pulled away slowly, your glassy eyes meeting his. "And there's no way out?" You asked softly. Masky shook his head, cupping your face with his hand. "I love you princess. I always have," He confessed. Your eyes flickered back and forth, searching for the Tim you once knew. The life had drained from Masky's face, all that remained being a moving body lacking a soul. You brought your lips to his, the salty tears trailing down your cheeks. "This is the last time i'm seeing you right?" You breathed, your lips not wanting to stray from his. Masky glanced down at your plump lips, before gazing into your doe eyes. "That's right," He murmured. You tilted your head to the side, licking your lips' "Give me something to remember you, something that I can miss the rest of my life," You pleaded.

The dark emotions placed a weight on your chest, the kind that one only feels when starting the grieving process. You weren't ready to grieve with the fact your lover was gone, even if he sat before you. Masky brought his lips back to yours, roughly kissing you. He guided you to lay back onto the mattress, his touch familiar but different. He was a bit rougher and more assertive. And more.... desperate? He shrugged his jacket off, tossing it aside. You wrapped your legs around his waist to bring him closer, before sliding your tongue on his bottom lip. He granted you access, the two of you quickly becoming intertwined underneath the comforter. The netflix show was forgotten, Masky shoving off his gloves. He wiped away your tears with his thumbs, before pulling at the hem of your oversized night shirt. He looked down, noticing it was an old Green Day shirt of his. A pang of hurt shot at his heart, the proxy shaking his head as he tossed it on your bedroom floor. He placed kisses on your neck, trailing down to your breast. You bucked your hips upwards, desperate to feel him closer. He kissed your breast, your nipples hardening from the cool night air.

You tried to focus on how good Masky made you feel, attempting to ward off the thoughts of sadness. He brought one of your nipples to his mouth, sucking harshly at the bud. You gasped at the sensation, his warm tongue swirling around the nipple. You grabbed a handful of his hair, groaning. "I fucking missed you," You groaned, his eager hands pulling down your pajama pants and panties in one swoop. He used his index and middle finger to toy with your other nipple, causing your back to arch off of the bed. He ran two fingers up your drenched slick, relishing in the feeling of your wet folds. The ones he had dreamt of feeling one more time. "I missed you too princess," He panted, releasing your nipple with a bop. You whimpered as he brought his fingers to your entrance, your walls clenching around him. "You've been a good girl, saving yourself for me?" Masky asked, his voice hoarse. You nodded frantically, asking to move your hips to make him go deeper. "I knew you'd come back for me. I haven't even touched myself," You confessed, your face flushing red. He shoved his fingers in deeper, curling them upwards. "That's my girl, so loyal and good for me," Masky huffed. Your gummy walls clung to his digits, his fingers curling upwards and going faster and faster.

You couldn't process the man fingering you wasn't the man you once knew. That the one with his fingers buried in your pussy wasn't the same one who used to play with your hair until you fell asleep. Your brain couldn't accept that he was gone and replaced with a homicidal carbon copy. You tried to focus on the pleasure, forcing yourself to pretend this was just another night. That Tim, the man you knew, was coming back and this wouldn't be the last time you saw what was left of him. You whined as his fingers abused your g spot, curses falling off of your lips involuntarily. Masky enjoyed the sight of ruining you, your face scrunched up in pleasure that only he could provide you. Maybe he was incredibly selfish, allowing his possessiveness result in you only able to love him and no one else. He felt your walls squeeze him tighter, your first orgasm on the rise. "Taking my fingers so well princess, why dont you go ahead and cum for me?" Masky asked. You wanted to moan Tim's name, tears flooding your waterline once you realized you couldn't. Masky couldn't fall off of your tongue, that couldn't be the way you remembered the man you were in love with. You swallowed as you cried out, your vision temporarily white as you released on his fingers.

Masky slowly pulled them out of you, sucking your juices off of his fingers. "I've missed the way you taste," He breathed, fiddling with his jeans. Through the dim lighting of the television you could make out scars all over his body, from his shoulders, hands, to chest. His undershirt covered most of his chest, but you could still see the scars peeking out over the material. He tapped the head of his cock against your folds, causing you to squirm. "So cute and desperate," Masky mumbled, pushing himself inside of you. The stretch was sudden and intense, having not touched yourself since he left. Masky grabbed your legs, bringing them over his shoulders as he bottomed out inside of you. He was so impossibly deep, pressing his forehead against yours as his cock brushed against your g spot. "This is how I wanna remember you," You whispered. Masky's chocolate eyes met yours, a chuckle escaping his throat. "With my cock buried inside of you?" He asked. You nodded, meeting his assertive gaze. "The way you make love to me makes me feel infinite and I want to remember that for the rest of my time on this Earth," You said breathlessly. Masky didn't take your confession lightly, his heart aching at the notion of leaving you. He grabbed your hand, intertwining his fingers with yours as he began to move his hips. You tilted your head back, moaning as he fucked you.

There was something so desperate about his movements, as if they were made so deliberately. As if he were trying to make them as pleasurable as possible to give you something to remember him by. As if your entire relationship wasn't enough. It suddenly felt like a blur of the past, the savory memories you had not enough. Masky began to pick up the pace, fucking you with as much passion as he could muster. “You feel so fuckin tight, shit,” Masky groaned, abusing your cunt as he pleased. You dug your nails into his back, trying to hang on as he fucked you mercilessly. It felt like it wasn’t enough, your body hooked on the feeling he was providing you. All thoughts of grief had been pushed aside, your legs trembling as he fucked you into the mattress. “Fucking shit, Tim-” You cried out. The proxy wanted to correct you, to remind you that version of him was long gone. Yet he couldn’t bring himself to do it, instead placing his hand over your mouth to silence you. The breathing restriction only made you milk his cock harder, your eyes rolling into the back of your head as you came. Masky wasn’t far behind you, his hips stuttering as he came inside of you.

You were both intertwined panting messes, Masky slowly pulling himself off of you. He began to redress himself, your small hand grabbing his arm. “Dont leave, not yet,” You whined. Masky looked down at you, cum dripping out of your cunt and face flushed. Yet your eyes were still centered on him, as if he were the center of your universe. “You know I can’t stay,” Masky whispered. You tried to ignore the pain in your chest, swallowing. “I know that. Just pretend to stay, just until I fall asleep,” You pleaded. Masky finished pulling up his pants, crawling back into bed beside you. You nuzzled up against his chest, soaking in his warmth. He began to stroke your hair, trying to do it the way he used to. You appreciated the effort, but you felt the difference. His touch was much rougher now, unintentionally. A single tear slid down your face as he wrapped you in his arms.

“It’s easier this way, pretending you’ll be here when I wake up.”

“I know.”

“I love you, I always will.”

“I love you too princess, I’ll never forget you.”

[jedi-starbird]

I don't care what the hatman says I firmly believe Ahsoka is not describing Anakin as anything other than the most cringefail jedi ever.

When she finds out Anakin is Darth Vader? The same Vader she's been fighting against for a decade? The same Vader who's crimes she's had a front row seat for in the rebellion? Who killed all the friends and family she grew up with and is now also killing the new friends and family she's managed to scrape together in the ashes of everything she ever knew? Who puppets around the 501st, her and Rex's brothers, the men who trusted him with their lives, as nothing more than mindless murderers? Ohoho she wants him dead sooo bad. She takes 3 business days to process then comes back with full murderous rage unlocked. She's outside his evil lair banging pots and pans together telling him to square the fuck up, Master. Her Cain instinct is fully activated. Move outta the way old man, Ahsoka's going to do what she must and she's actually going to follow through with her words.

Obi-Wan's got the cornerstone on depression, Ahsoka's got rage covered, together they almost form one healthy grief response. (I'm imagining them both living at the same rebel base post O66 and the twins going between them for wildly contrasting takes on their dad lmao)

[justice4gyeongsu]

━━━ 'CHAPTER FOURTEEN' [WHEN DAWN BREAKS]

SYNOPSIS ➢ an old friend becomes a new person of interest, not everyone is happy about it.

PAIRING ➢ lee suhyeok x male!reader

AU ➢ enemies-to-lovers au!

CONTENT WARNING ➢ this chapter contains; flashbacks, violence, alot of angst, signs of depression, jealousy, signs of ptsd, intimate scenes, fluff sprinkles, anxiety mentions, barely legal drinking, flirting, death, reoccuring ptsd, mentions of gore, blood, cannibalism [let me know if i missed any!]

NEXT I PREVIOUS

after trudging through the desolate streets for what feels like an eternity, the group finally reaches a critical juncture. you're walking behind kyungho, your senses on high alert as you tiptoe down the empty street. everyone's weapons are at the ready, prepared for a potential ambush by a horde of zombies. kyungho suddenly stops and leans against the building, peeking around the corner. the rest of the group follows suit, pressing themselves against the wall as they wait for kyungho's signal to proceed.

kyungho drapes his arm over your shoulder, gently guiding you to take a look at what's ahead. you carefully peer around the corner, your katana clutched tightly in your hand. kyungho's face is inches from yours, his warm breath on your skin as he points down the street. "there's two of them down the street," he whispers, "but the store is right there." he nods toward the back of a two-story building situated in the middle of the street. your heart skips a beat as you take in the sight, your stomach growling with anticipation at the prospect of finding food and shelter.

kyungho begins to outline his plan, "if i head over to unlock the door, you have to protect my—" but he's cut off by suhyeok's sudden bold move. suhyeok sprints down the street, bat in hand, and strikes the ground once, as if to announce his presence. then, with swift and deadly precision, he takes down the two zombies, smashing their faces with his bat as they crumple to the ground.

the group watches in awe, peeking around the corner to take in the scene. kyungho's eyes widen in surprise, and he chuckles, "or he can just do that." the tension is broken, and the group quickly scatters, moving towards the store. wujin, cheongsan, and suhyeok form a rear guard, watching the group's backs with their baseball bats at the ready, ensuring no other zombies sneak up on them. meanwhile, kyungho swiftly retrieves the keys from his bag and unlocks the door. he gently pushes you inside by the waist, ushering you into the safety of the store.

as you step inside, you're enveloped in darkness, the only light coming from candles scattered around the store and the faint slivers of sunlight peeking through the newspaper-covered windows. the air is stale, but the store seems quiet, a haven from the dangers outside.

as the last person steps inside, kyungho secures the door by wrapping a sturdy chain around the handle and locking it with a massive lock. the sound of the lock clicking into place is music to everyone's ears, and they let out a collective sigh of relief. as they look around, their eyes widen in shock and amazement. the store is a treasure trove of food and drinks, with fully stocked aisles and corners filled with cold beverages. "dig in, guys," kyungho says with a smile, patting your back softly as he walks by.

the group erupts into a frenzy of activity, scrambling to grab as much food and drink as they can. you sprint to the drink section and find the largest water bottle you can, twisting off the cap and chugging the water greedily. some of it spills down your neck, but you don't care – the refreshing taste is like heaven.

daesu's voice rings out across the store, "where's the ramyun?!" he shouts, racing through the aisles until he spots an entire section dedicated to his beloved noodles. he drops to his knees, overcome with emotion, and begins to sob. "thank you, god," he whispers, his hands clasped together in gratitude.

meanwhile, namra stands off to the side, observing the chaos with a detached air. her stomach growls with hunger, but she's not craving the usual food that would normally satisfy her. she's developed a strange, unsettling appetite, one that she can't quite explain. as she scans the surrounding area, she strains her ears to listen for any signs of movement or potential threats outside. but the only sounds she can hear are the contented noises of her companions: the smacking of lips, the gulping of drinks, and the groans of pleasure as they devour their food.

hroryeong's voice breaks the spell, "i could actually cry," she says, her eyes welling up with tears as she savors a full chocolate bar. sure enough, she begins to sob, overcome with emotion. wujin offers her a sympathetic pat on the back before chugging a soda bottle, some of the fizzy drink spilling onto the floor as he does so.

kyungho double-checks the security of the front doors now, tugging on the handles and jiggling them to ensure they're securely locked in place. he tests the doors, pulling and pushing to confirm that they don't budge, his actions methodical and deliberate as he makes certain that the group's temporary sanctuary is safe and secure.

you're winded by the time you've made it halfway through the bottle, and you lean against the cold beverage door to catch your breath. as you pause, your mind begins to wander to all the peers you've lost, and the fact that they'll never get to experience this moment of relief with you. the thought brings a pang of sadness, and you feel a lump form in your throat.

you make a silent vow to yourself to consume everything in their honor, a way of celebrating their memory and the struggles you've overcome. as you turn around, you're met with namra's gentle gaze, and she offers you a twinkie. you look up at her, and she hands you the snack, her slender fingers brushing against yours.

"thanks," you say softly, your voice barely above a whisper. namra's response is a small, enigmatic smile – a smile that you'll come to recognize as her signature expression.

as you gaze at namra, her eyes fixed on the ground, you pose a question that seems to have been avoided by everyone around you. "you okay?" the words hang in the air, heavy with unspoken concerns. namra's silence is palpable, but instead of responding, she reaches out and grasps your hand, her fingers intertwining with yours.

without a word, she leads you to the front of the store, where newspaper-covered windows block our view of the outside world. the air is thick with tension as she stops in front of the makeshift barrier. "if you need me to scout out supplies, i can do it without putting anyone at risk of getting caught," she says, her voice low and determined. you sense a deep-seated resolve in her words, a willingness to take on the challenges that lie ahead. "i'll come with you," you offer, but namra's expression turns resolute as she shakes her head. "too much of a risk," she whispers, her eyes locked onto yours, conveying a depth of understanding that goes unspoken.

as you begin to inquire about namra's hunger, the creaking of a door opening captures your attention, and you turn to see a doorway on the opposite side of the store. a steep staircase leads up to the second floor, and kyungho gestures toward it with a gracious smile. "there are beds upstairs, you're all welcome to rest there," he says, his eyes crinkling at the corners. "i'll be keeping watch down here, behind the register."

you return his smile, feeling a sense of gratitude toward this stranger who has taken you in. "thank you, that's sweet of you," you say, as you gently tug on namra's hand, encouraging her to follow you upstairs. the prospect of rest and a safe haven is a welcome respite, and you can sense namra's reluctance giving way to exhaustion as she allows you to lead her toward the staircase.

as you begin to ascend the stairs, the creaking of the wooden steps beneath your feet echoes through the quiet space. namra follows closely behind, her eyes fixed on the stairs ahead. you can sense her weariness, her body language screaming for rest. the upstairs area is dimly lit, with only a few faint rays of light peeking through the grimy windows. you see a few beds scattered about, each one neatly made with a thin blanket. the air is stale, but it's quiet and peaceful, a welcome respite from the chaos outside.

kyungho calls out from downstairs, "make yourselves at home." he points to a small area that you realized was a bathroom. "if you guys need to freshen up, there a shower."

"you're saying there's a shower?" you ask, your eyes widening in astonishment. the mere mention of it is almost too good to be true. you can't recall the last time you had the luxury of a shower, and the thought of being clean again is almost overwhelming. the group's collective stench had become a norm, something you'd all grown accustomed to.

kyungho nods, a charming smile spreading across his face as he leans against the doorway, his arms crossed. he seems to be savoring your reaction, and you can't help but laugh, a delirious, disbelieving sound. kyungho joins in, his laughter warm and genuine. "man, you guys have probably been through a lot," he says, shaking his head in sympathy. namra, who had been watching the exchange, turns to you and whispers that she'll go share the good news with the others.

as namra heads off to spread the news, you can't help but feel a sense of excitement and trepidation. a shower sounds like a luxury, but it's also a reminder of how long it's been since you've had access to basic amenities. you glance over at kyungho, who's still smiling at you, and feel a sense of gratitude toward this stranger who's offering you a glimmer of hope. "thank you," you say, your voice sincere. "this means a lot to us." kyungho's smile widens, and he nods, his eyes crinkling at the corners. "you're welcome," he says. "i'm just glad i can help. now, go enjoy that shower. you've earned it."

"that'd be nice, but i think i'll let the girls go first," you say, as you wander into one of the rooms, taking stock of the space. you notice that there are more than enough mattresses for everyone, and a sense of relief washes over you. kyungho observes your actions, a hint of amusement dancing in his eyes.

"what a gentleman," he teases, his voice laced with a playful tone, as he leans against the doorway, watching you with a warm smile.

his words bring a flush to your cheeks, but you can't help but smile, feeling a sense of gratitude toward this kind stranger who's taking you in. you shrug off the compliment, feeling a slight blush rise to your cheeks. "its common sense," you say, attempting to downplay kyungho's praise. but he just chuckles and nods, his eyes sparkling with amusement. "well, whatever your motivations are, it's appreciated," he says, pushing off from the doorway and heading back toward the stairs. "i'll go get some more blankets, get comfortable." he disappears down the stairs, leaving you to continue exploring the makeshift shelter.

as kyungho descends the stairs, you take a moment to look around the room again, this time noticing the small details that make it feel more like a home. there's a small bookshelf in the corner, filled with worn paperbacks and dog-eared pages. a faded rug covers the floor, adding a touch of warmth to the space.

you hear the sound of footsteps coming from the stairs, and as the group makes their way upstairs, their faces light up with wonder and relief. the sight of a functional bathroom and comfortable sleeping quarters is almost too good to be true. wujin, ever the enthusiastic one, can't contain his excitement. "i call the first shower!" he shouts, already making a beeline for the bathroom. but before he can take another step, hari reaches out and grabs his ear, pulling him back with a playful scold. "women go first, idiot," mijin chimes in, her voice dripping with amusement and a hint of teasing. wujin rubs his ear, looking sheepish, but can't help grinning at the good-natured ribbing.

you can't help but laugh at the lighthearted exchange between wujin and the others. meanwhile, cheongsan and suhyeok wander into the adjacent room, their eyes scanning the space filled with beds. suhyeok lets out a deep sigh of relief, his shoulders sagging as he takes in the cozy atmosphere. "this is gonna be so nice," he breathes, his voice filled with gratitude.

as the group begins to settle in, they all remove their shoes and leave them outside in the hallway, a habitual gesture that speaks to their growing sense of comfort and security. the tension and wariness that had been palpable just hours before seem to be melting away, replaced by a sense of camaraderie and shared relief.

onjo takes charge, assigning the rooms with a practical sense of fairness. "the girls will take this room, and the boys can take that one," she declares, pointing to the room closest to the bathroom. the others nod in agreement, and the group begins to settle into their respective spaces.

just then, the sound of footsteps echoes up the stairs once more. kyungho appears, his arms laden with a pile of knitted blankets. "hey, i found a few more blankets," he announces, offering them up to the group. "anyone who tends to get cold can grab another one."

you consider reaching for an extra blanket, but then think better of it, realizing that some of the girls might need it more than you. and indeed, they quickly claim most of the blankets, leaving only two remaining in kyungho's hands. cheongsan notices your ripped shirt and gestures for you to take one of the remaining blankets. "you should get one, y/n," he suggests, his expression concerned. you nod, feeling a bit self-conscious about your torn clothing. you walk over to kyungho, giving him a smile as you take one of the blue blankets from his outstretched hand.

daesu's eyes light up with a warm smile as he whispers to himself, "kyungho's so nice." wujin catches the comment and nods in agreement, a matching smile spreading across his face. however, suhyeok's expression takes a different turn. his eyes narrow, and his face clouds with suspicion as he notices kyungho's gaze lingering on you. his eyes flicker with unease, and he seems to be sizing up the situation.

kyungho, oblivious to suhyeok's concerns, continues to offer his hospitality. "whoever is showering first can go ahead," he says, his eyes scanning the group. "i can hand-wash your clothing and leave it out to dry. in the meantime, there are clothes in the drawers in your rooms. i'm sure they belonged to the people who owned this place before, but they would've wanted you all to wear them." the group exchanges warm smiles and nods, grateful for kyungho's kindness. hroryeong's face lights up with a shy smile as she thanks kyungho again for saving them. kyungho responds with a thumbs-up and a reassuring smile. "no worries, really. you guys are all doing me a favor by not letting me be lonely," he says, his eyes crinkling at the corners.

the boys chuckle at kyungho's comment, but suhyeok remains stoic, his expression unreadable. the group's laughter and chatter fill the air as they begin to settle in, the warmth and comfort of their new surroundings slowly seeping in. kyungho watches them with a gentle smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners as he takes in the scene.

as the girls start to make their discussion on the bathroom, eager to take advantage of the shower, kyungho turns to you and asks, "do you need anything?" his voice is low and considerate, and you feel a sense of gratitude toward him.

meanwhile, suhyeok's eyes never leave kyungho's face, his expression a mask of suspicion and wariness. it's clear that he’s still not convinced of kyungho's intentions. "no, it's okay, i'm good," you say, waving your hand dismissively. "i'm just ready to get out of these clothes." you gesture to your dirty, torn clothing, feeling a sense of self-consciousness about your appearance.

kyungho's eyes follow your gesture, and he takes a step closer to you. he reaches out and gently takes hold of the torn part of your shirt, his index and middle fingers loosely grasping the fabric. "yeah, looks like you've been through a lot," he says, his voice filled with empathy. as he speaks, kyungho tilts his head to get a better look at the damage. his eyes scan the torn fabric, and then drift to the scratches on your skin, visible through the tears.

suhyeok's interruption grabbed both of your attention. "is the backdoor downstairs the only exit?" he asks, his eyes locked intently on kyungho. you turn to look at suhyeok, but only for a brief moment, before your gaze drifts back to kyungho. there's something about kyungho's calm and gentle demeanor that puts you at ease, and you find yourself drawn to him.

kyungho's expression changes, a flicker of surprise crossing his face, before he quickly composes himself. he points to the rooms, his gesture expansive. "besides the windows that slide open, yeah," he explains. "you're more than welcome to go out through the front door, but if any of them see you out there, you'd bring them right to the rest of us." kyungho's voice is laced with concern, and it's clear that he's thinking about their safety. suhyeok's question has brought a sense of unease to the group, and you can't help but wonder what's behind suhyeok's inquiry.

kyungho's question hangs in the air, and everyone's eyes turn to suhyeok, waiting for his response. "were you thinking of leaving?" kyungho asks, his tone neutral, but his eyes searching for answers.

suhyeok's expression is inscrutable, his arms crossing over his chest as he responds with a curt, "just curious." the words are dismissive, but the tension in his body language suggests that there's more to it. without another word, suhyeok turns and walks into the boys' room, leaving the rest of the group to wonder about his intentions. a small flag pops up in your mind, warning you that there's more to suhyeok's question than meets the eye. you're not sure what's driving his curiosity, but you have a feeling that it's not just idle wondering.

hroryeong's voice rings out, announcing that she's taking the first shower. you take the opportunity to head into the boys' room, where you see that most of the guys have already staked their claims on the beds by placing their weapons beside them.

you make your way to the bed that's deepest in the room and place your katana down beside it, claiming it as your own. as you look around, you notice daesu standing by the sliding windows, his eyes gazing out at something in the distance. his expression is melancholic, and you can sense a deep sadness emanating from him.

just then, wujin's voice cuts through the air, grabbing everyone's attention. "who wants to take the first shower after the girls finish?" he asks, his eyes scanning the room. you look up at wujin and shrug, "cheongsan should. he did a lot for us," you say, nodding in cheongsan's direction. suhyeok chimes in, his voice a little softer than usual, "yeah, cheongsan, you go first."

daesu lets out a deep sigh, his arms folding over his head as he complains, "man, it was really warm outside." his voice is laced with a whiny tone, and wujin can't help but grimace in response.

wujin's eyes dart to daesu, and he covers his nose, his voice muffled as he says, "maybe daesu should go first..." the suggestion is met with a chorus of agreements from the other boys, including you, as the pungent aroma wafting from daesu's armpits begins to fill the room. daesu's expression turns defensive, his arms slowly lowering as he accuses wujin, "stop lying! you can't even smell anything." wujin's face scrunches up in indignation, and he begins to argue, "why would i lie?" the two boys start to bicker back and forth, their voices rising in a comedic display of denial and accusation.

you step out of the shower, feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. the warm water has washed away the dirt and grime of the day, leaving you feeling clean and revitalized. your damp hair clings to your face, and you try to push it back, away from your forehead. you're surprised to notice that your hair seems longer when it's wet, and you make a mental note to get it cut soon.

you slide open the wooden door to the boys' bedroom, expecting to see the others lounging around. but to your surprise, the room is empty. you assume that everyone must be downstairs, and you're left alone in the quiet, peaceful space.

you look down at your outfit, feeling the soft, lightweight fabric of the plain dark blue pajama shirt and pants. it's a simple but comfortable ensemble, and you appreciate the feeling of the gentle cotton against your skin. you take a deep breath, feeling relaxed and at ease, and begin to make your way downstairs to join the others.

you make your way down the stairs, and your eyes scan the room, taking in the scene. some of the girls are gathered around kyungho, their faces aglow with excitement as they listen to him talk about his studies. they're practically swooning over his every word, and you can't help but chuckle at the sight.

your gaze drifts to the corner of the room, where hari and mijin are sitting together, chatting quietly. they're both smiling, and their body language suggests that they're having a relaxed and enjoyable conversation. you continue to scan the room, searching for wujin. you spot him and cheongsan standing in front of a shelf, engaged in a heated debate. they're arguing over which brand of garlic chips is superior, and their voices are rising in excitement.

you call out to wujin, letting him know that it's his turn to take a shower. his face lights up, and he instantly tosses the bags of chips to cheongsan. "i'll be right back!" he exclaims, before turning and making a beeline for the stairs. wujin's enthusiasm is palpable, and he's in such a hurry that he trips twice on the stairs before he reaches the bathroom. you can't help but laugh at his antics, and you shake your head in amusement.

as wujin disappears, you can't help but smile at his energetic behavior. you turn your attention back to the rest of the group, noticing that kyungho is still regaling the girls with stories of his studies. hari and mijin are still chatting quietly in the corner, looking relaxed and comfortable.

cheongsan, on the other hand, is still standing in front of the shelf, looking triumphant as he holds up the bags of garlic chips. he catches your eye and grins, clearly proud of having won the argument with wujin.

you chuckle to yourself, feeling grateful for the sense of camaraderie and friendship that's developed within the group. despite the challenges and dangers you've faced, you're all managing to find moments of joy and laughter together. as you continue to observe the group, you notice that suhyeok is still sitting off to the side, looking a bit subdued.

you feel a pang of frustration with yourself as you realize that your heart is trying to get the better of you. you're drawn to suhyeok, despite his odd behavior, and you find yourself wanting to check in on him, to make sure he's okay. you curse your heart for its weakness, and force yourself to look away, trying to ignore the concern that's rising up inside you.

just then, cheongsan speaks up, his voice low and understanding. "he's gonna be alright," he says, his eyes following your gaze to suhyeok. "i think he's stressing because this wasn't part of the plan."

cheongsan's words are like a splash of cold water, bringing you back to reality. you realize that suhyeok's behavior is likely due to the unexpected turn of events, and that he's probably just feeling overwhelmed. you nod in understanding, trying to push aside your concern for suhyeok and focus on the bigger picture.

you turn to cheongsan, your eyes filled with hope as you ask, "you think we can reach the mountain?" your voice is laced with a mix of worriesome and trepidation, and you can't help but feel a sense of uncertainty. cheongsan's expression is reassuring, and he nods confidently. "we'll make it, all of us," he says, his voice firm and resolute. "so stop worrying so much about it." he adds, his tone playful as he reaches out to push your shoulder gently.

you nod, trying to muster up a smile, but it's tinged with worry. you can't shake off the feeling of unease, and you're not sure if you'll really be able to make it to the mountain safely. but with cheongsan's reassurance, you try to push aside your doubts and focus on the task at hand.

"have you seen namra?" you ask cheongsan, and he points to the front of the store. you follow his gesture and see namra kneeling beside a small bonsai plant. the plant looks like it was carefully tended to before the apocalypse, and you can't help but wonder who might have been growing it.

you approach namra quietly, but she turns around before you can sneak up on her. "how'd you know i was behind you?" you ask, feeling a little surprised.

namra's response is casual, but it sends a flutter through your chest. "i recognize your steps," she says. "you always step like you're careful something might jump in front of you." her words are simple, but they reveal a level of awareness and attention to detail that makes you feel seen. you kneel down beside her, feeling a little self-conscious about your habits. "i guess it's a bad habit," you say, clearing your throat. you both sit there in silence for a moment, looking at the bonsai plant. the quiet is comfortable, and you feel a sense of ease with namra that you don't always feel with others.

namra's eyes are fixed on your face as you gently rub the leaves of the bonsai tree, oblivious to her gaze. she takes a moment to glance behind her, noticing suhyeok sitting on an upside-down bucket, staring at his knuckles. he's wearing an all-white thin pajama set, and namra can't help but think that he looks softer, more vulnerable, in white.

she turns her attention back to you, her expression careful. "he likes you," she says, her voice low and matter-of-fact. you snap your head towards her, your eyes wide with surprise. "wait, really? you think so?" you ask, your voice filled with excitement.

namra nods, her expression serious. "he cares a lot about you. did you know that?" she asks, her voice soft. you look around, as if checking to make sure no one is listening, before responding.

"well," you say, a smile spreading across your face, "i thought maybe he was into guys, but i wasn't sure." you admit, shrugging. namra's expression changes to one of disbelief and confusion. "you weren't sure?" she asks, her voice incredulous. you nod, matter-of-factly. "yeah, it's kinda hard to tell."

namra's eyes sparkle with curiosity as she asks, "even after he kissed you?" her words are innocent, but they send a shockwave through you. you stop dead in your tracks, turning to her with a confused expression. "what did you just say?" you ask, blinking rapidly as you try to process her words.

namra's face flushes with embarrassment, and she looks away, her voice barely above a whisper. "i saw, i'm sorry, i didn't mean to." she's clearly uncomfortable, and you can tell she didn't mean to spill the beans. your mind is reeling as you try to understand what's going on. "what? kyungho didn't kiss me?" you ask, feeling bewildered. namra's expression changes to one of confusion, and she looks back at you. "kyungho?" she repeats, clearly unsure what you're talking about. you nod, waiting for her to explain what she meant. your heart is racing with anticipation, and you can't help but wonder who she's talking about. it couldnt be..could it?

namra's words hang in the air like a challenge, and your entire world freezes in that moment. "i'm talking about... suhyeok," she finally says, her voice barely above a whisper. you're stunned, unsure of how she could possibly know about the kiss. it was in the middle of the night, and you thought you two were being quiet.

your mind is racing with questions, but before you can even process your thoughts, namra speaks up again. "i won't tell anyone if you don't want me to," she says, her expression reassuring. she can see the shock and confusion written all over your face, and she's trying to put you at ease.

you blink slowly, still trying to wrap your head around the fact that namra knows about the kiss. "how...?" you ask softly, your voice barely above a whisper. namra takes a deep breath before explaining, her words spilling out in a gentle rush. "i couldn't sleep that night," she says. "i heard and saw everything that happened."

you let out a sigh and bury your face in your arms, still kneeling on the ground. namra's hand finds its way to the top of yours, and she gives it a gentle squeeze. you feel a sense of comfort from her touch, and her words that follow only add to the feeling.

"i could hear his heart beating," she says softly. "it was steady throughout most of it." you lift your head, confusion etched on your face. "..so?" you ask, seeking clarity on what she's trying to say.

namra's gaze drifts behind her, to where suhyeok is sitting, looking troubled. "which means he wasnt lying," you follow her line of sight, and your gaze softens as you take in the sight of him. suddenly, flashbacks of the two of you walking home together every day flood your mind. the feeling of safety and friendship that you experienced during those walks blossoms in your chest, and you can't help but feel a sense of affection towards suhyeok.

you continue, your voice barely above a whisper. "then you'd also know how he was scared to be seen with me..." you bring your fist to your heart, feeling it racing in your chest. you're not sure what emotion is causing it, but you know you need to calm down. as you speak, you can feel a lump forming in your throat, and your eyes start to well up with tears. you bite back a pout, trying to hold back the emotions that are threatening to overwhelm you. your eye line begins to water, and you look away, trying to compose yourself. the memory of suhyeok's fear of being seen with you is still raw, and it's clear that it's still affecting you deeply.

you take a deep breath, trying to calm down and process your emotions. namra's hand is still on top of yours, and she gives it a gentle squeeze, offering you comfort and support.

"hey, it's okay," she says softly, her voice full of empathy. "he was scared, but that doesn't mean he didn't care about you. people are complicated, and sometimes they do things that hurt us without meaning to." you look up at namra, feeling a sense of gratitude towards her. she's always been a good listener, and her words of wisdom are just what you need to hear right now.

you take another deep breath, feeling your emotions begin to settle. you look over at suhyeok, who's still sitting on the bucket, looking troubled. you can't help but wonder what's going through his mind, and whether he's still scared of being seen with you. namra's words are cryptic, and you look at her with confusion. "i asked him... back at the storage closet," she says, leaving you wondering what she's talking about.

but then she adds, "i asked if he liked you," and your eyes go wide with surprise. you're eager to hear more, and you wait with bated breath for namra to continue.

however, suhyeok's name is called out by daesu, and he reluctantly gets up to head over. namra's gaze follows him, but then she turns back to you. "what did he say?" you ask, staring into her eyes, hoping to find some answers. namra's expression is sympathetic, and she says, "he didn't say anything." you sigh, feeling a pang of disappointment. but then namra adds, "but, he looked at me and i heard his heart beat rise quickly." her words are like a ray of hope, and you can't help but feel a spark of achievement.

you feel a flutter in your chest as you process namra's words. the fact that suhyeok's heart beat rose quickly when she asked him about you suggests that he might have feelings for you after all.

you look over at suhyeok, who's now talking to daesu, and you can't help but wonder what's going through his mind. does he really like you? and if so, why hasn't he said anything?

namra's hand is still on top of yours, and she gives it a gentle squeeze. "don't worry," she says softly. "i'm sure he'll come around eventually." you nod, feeling a sense of gratitude towards namra. she's always been a good friend to you, and her words of encouragement mean a lot. as you continue to talk to namra, you can't help but steal glances at suhyeok, wondering what the future might hold for the two of you.

you pause, collecting your thoughts before speaking. "it's not that," you say, your voice barely above a whisper. namra looks at you curiously, sensing that there's more to your words.

you take a deep breath, hesitating for a moment before admitting the truth. "i'm not sure if i even want him anymore," you say, your voice laced with uncertainty. namra's expression changes, and she looks at you with surprise. she didn't expect you to say that, and you can tell she's wondering what's going through your mind. you look away, feeling a little vulnerable. you're not sure why you're unsure about suhyeok. you care about him deeply, but you're not sure if your feelings for him are romantic. you're confused, and you don't know what to do.

namra's expression softens, and she nods understandingly. "it's okay to be unsure," she says gently. "feelings can be complicated, and it's normal to take time to figure them out."

you nod, feeling a sense of relief wash over you. it's nice to know that namra understands, and that you're not alone in your confusion. "do you think... he'd wait for me to figure things out?" you ask hesitantly, looking over at suhyeok, who's still talking to daesu. namra follows your gaze, and then turns back to you. "i think he might," she says with a small smile.

you can't help but laugh as you wipe your eyes, making sure no tears fall. "when did you become a love doctor?" you ask, amusement dancing in your voice. you scoff and look away, a small smile still playing on your lips. namra's eyes sparkle with mirth as she catches your teasing tone. "did you just scoff at me? ms. namra?" you tease her further, trying to stifle a grin. namra shakes her head, a smile still plastered on her face. she stands up, her movements fluid and effortless. "you're ridiculous," she says, her voice laced with affection. she looks down at you, her eyes shining with warmth. "but i'm always here for you, no matter how ridiculous you get deskmate."

namra offers you her hand, and you take it with a smile, feeling a sense of gratitude and affection towards her. "likewise," you say, your voice sincere.

but then namra's expression changes, and she whispers a name that makes your heart skip a beat. "so... kyungho?" she says, a small smile playing on her lips. your ears turn bright red as you realize that you've unintentionally shared your secret crush. you feel a wave of embarrassment wash over you, and you look away, trying to play it cool. but it's too late, namra's already seen the look on your face, and she knows that you have feelings for kyungho.

you try to brush it off, but namra's knowing gaze makes you feel like you've been caught red-handed. you can't believe you let your secret slip out, and now namra knows that you have a crush on kyungho.

namra's smile grows wider, and she gives your hand a gentle squeeze. "don't worry, your secret is safe with me," she whispers, her voice full of amusement. you look at her, feeling a mix of relief and embarrassment. you're glad that namra is being understanding, but you're still mortified that you let your secret slip out.

"thanks," you say, your voice barely above a whisper. namra nods, still smiling, and you can't help but wonder what she's thinking.

you hear a familiar voice calling out to you, and you turn to see horyeong smiling and waving you over to her. "y/n-ie!" she exclaims, her eyes sparkling with enthusiasm. you can't help but notice kyungho standing on the other side of the register, his muscular arms and chest on full display in his muscle shirt. hari, mijin, and horyeong are all gazing at him with interest, and you find yourself sneaking a few peeks as well.

mijin smirks at you, "kyungho-nim is gonna pour us some drinks." she says, and you raise an eyebrow in surprise. "really?" you ask, looking around at the others. daesu stands up, enthusiasm written all over his face. "count me in!" he exclaims, raising a finger in the air. hari chimes in, "add two more," with a nonchalant nod in kyungho's direction.

kyungho smiles at hari, "you got it," and begins mixing drinks with a combination of soju and beer. you watch with curiosity, unsure of what to expect. as someone who's recently come of age to drink legally, you've never really had the opportunity to try alcohol before. your father's struggles with alcoholism had always made you wary of drinking, but now you're not so sure.

hroryeong's bright smile is infectious as she asks loudly, "onjo, you want one?" she's clearly excited, and you can't help but notice that she seems happier than usual. you attribute it to the presence of kyungho, who's still busy mixing drinks behind the register. maybe his handsome face has brought out her confident side, especially after she's freshened up from her shower. onjo shakes her head, declining the offer, and cheongsan chimes in, "leave us out." hroryeong nods, unfazed, and continues to chat with the others, still beaming with enthusiasm. the atmosphere is lively, and you can't help but feel a little left out, wondering if you should join in on the fun and try one of kyungho's mysterious drinks.

kyungho's smile is still plastered on his face as he gestures behind you, asking "what about you big-man?" you turn to see who he's addressing, and your eyes land on suhyeok, who looks decidedly annoyed. he's wearing all-white pajamas, which somehow makes him appear less intimidating than usual.

daesu's laughter rings out as he chimes in, "yeah, c'mon bare-su!" he exclaims, using suhyeok's well-known nickname. you can't help but feel a twinge of distaste at the nickname, mainly because it's a reference to suhyeok's peculiar habit of not wearing socks with shoes. suhyeok's expression remains serious as he crosses his arms, leaning against an aisle. "count me out too," he says, his voice firm. you can't help but wonder why he's being so stubborn.

kyungho's eyes lock onto yours, and he asks, "what about you, y/n-ie?" the added cuteness at the end of your name makes you feel a flutter in your chest, and you can't help but feel a little shy.

"me?" you ask, shocked, as if you're surprised he's even considering you. hroryeong's smile falters as she looks between you and kyungho, a confused expression on her face. she seems to be wondering how close the two of you really are. meanwhile, daesu's eyes narrow slightly as he looks at kyungho with suspicion. kyungho raises an eyebrow, his expression daring you to say no. "yeah, sorry. is it cool if i call you that?" he asks, his voice low and smooth.

you laugh, feeling a little self-conscious, and reply, "sure, i don't mind." you pause for a moment before adding, "i don't mind a drink either," as you fidget with your pajamas, feeling a little more aware of your appearance.

kyungho's low, smooth voice sends a shiver down your spine, and you can't help but straighten your posture, feeling a little more alert. "good," he says, his tone dripping with a quiet confidence that makes you feel a little fluttery inside.

just as you're processing the effect of kyungho's voice, you're startled by a sudden movement beside you. hroryeong is pushed aside, and suhyeok's long arm reaches over you, placing a plastic cup still in its bag on the table in front of you. "i'll take one," suhyeok says, his voice low and even, but with a hint of authority. you don't dare to look up at him, sensing a subtle tension in his tone. instead, you keep your eyes fixed on the cup, wondering what just happened.

the atmosphere around you seems to shift slightly, with a subtle undercurrent of tension. kyungho's eyes flicker to suhyeok, a hint of surprise and curiosity in his expression.

hroryeong, who had been pushed aside, clears her throat and steps back, her eyes darting between suhyeok and kyungho. "alright, so... two drinks, then?" she asks, trying to break the tension. kyungho nods, his expression neutral once more. "yeah, two more drinks. coming right up." he turns back to the counter, his movements fluid and efficient as he begins to prepare the drinks.

as kyungho continues to prepare the drinks, the tension in the air seems to dissipate slightly. suhyeok, however, remains standing beside you, his presence still radiating a sense of quiet intensity.

daesu, seemingly sensing the awkwardness, attempts to lighten the mood. "what made you change your mind?" he asks, his voice cheerful and curious. suhyeok's response is low and even, "just thought i'd join in." his tone doesn't invite further questioning, and hroryeong wisely decides not to push the issue. meanwhile, kyungho slides two drinks across the counter, his eyes meeting suhyeok's for a brief moment before he looks away. "enjoy," he says, his voice neutral. you pick up your drink, feeling a little uncertain about what to expect.

as daesu calls for a toast, everyone raises their drinks in unison, cheering and clinking their cups together. you join in, feeling a sense of camaraderie with the group. as you take a gulp of your drink, the liquid burns its way down your throat, making you grimace.

as you tip your head back, your eyes wander from the cup to suhyeok, who's also downing his drink. your gaze is drawn to the column of his neck, stretched out as he tilts his head back. suddenly, you're struck by the size difference between you and suhyeok. his broad shoulders and tall frame make you feel almost dainty in comparison. you can't help but stare, feeling a little awestruck by suhyeok's imposing presence. his eyes, still closed as he swallows his drink, seem to be savoring the moment, and you find yourself wondering what he's thinking.

the tranquility of the moment is shattered by a loud, booming voice echoing from the stairs. "why the hell didn't you guys save me one?" wujin's angry shout sends a ripple of amusement through the group.

daesu, quick-witted as ever, shouts back, "we were waiting, brother-in-law!" his response is met with a burst of laughter from the others. hari, however, takes a more... creative approach. with lightning-fast reflexes, she grabs the nearest object and hurls it at daesu's head. the room erupts into chaos as daesu ducks and weaves, narrowly avoiding the projectile.

mijin's arm brushes against your shoulders as she attempts to draw you into a friendly embrace. "did you like the drink?" she asks, her voice tinged with curiosity.

you gaze down at the bottom of your cup, recalling the unexpected flavor. "it wasn't exactly how i imagined it would taste..." you admit, trying to be diplomatic. mijin's laughter chimes in, and she playfully teases, "yeah." you both share a laugh, your grimaces mirroring each other's as you remember the drink's unusual taste.

as the night wears on, the group finds themselves in a circle on the floor, surrounded by the refrigerated drinks. the hours have slipped away, and midnight is fast approaching. the air is thick with laughter and the smell of snacks and ramen.

more than half the group is now tipsy or downright drunk, and the jokes are getting progressively sillier. wujin, still chuckling, nudges cheongsan and begs him to repeat a joke. cheongsan rolls his eyes, claiming it wasn't that funny, but mijin disagrees, her laughter echoing through the room as she leans against hari, who's also giggling. kyungho gets up to grab a water bottle from one of the fridges behind them, but before he can even take a sip, daesu snatches it from him and starts drinking from it too. the absurdity of the situation sends you into a fit of giggles, and you double over, holding your stomach in laughter. namra watches you with a warm smile, clearly amused by your reaction.

still riding the wave of laughter, you propose, "lets take one more shot!" daesu and wujin erupt into cheers, their enthusiasm infectious and making you even more hyped. in this moment, you're grateful for these two friends, knowing they'll always be up for a good time.

wujin shouts, "yeah, let's do it!" as he nudges suhyeok, who responds with a calm smile and a casual flick of his hair. mijin teases him, "i feel like you're not on the same level as us..." suhyeok just laughs and says, "i'm just feeling warm."

kyungho chimes in, "hey, you could be a good drinker." mijin and hari exchange shocked glances, seemingly surprised by the suggestion. the room falls silent for a moment, awaiting suhyeok's response to kyungho's provocative comment.

suhyeok's enigmatic response, "something like that," hangs in the air as you take the soju bottle and begin pouring shots for those who want them. "hroryeong, you want some?" you ask, but she shakes her head, her eyes already half-closed as she leans back against the aisle. "no, i'm done," she says, her voice laced with exhaustion. daesu seizes the opportunity to tease her, "she can't keep up!" he laughs, and the room erupts into a fit of laughter. you're caught off guard, and your giggles become uncontrollable. you put your head down, trying to compose yourself, but it's no use. the laughter is too much, and you're happy to let it consume you.

as the laughter overtakes you, you feel someone gently pry the bottle from your grasp. you don't even bother to open your eyes, too caught up in the hilarity of the moment. instead, you let your body relax, laying back on the ground as the laughter continues to shake your frame.

onjo slips into your spot, taking over the task of pouring shots for the others. you're vaguely aware of onjo, cheongsan, and namra being the only ones still sober, but even that thought is enough to send you into another fit of giggles. the three of them seem to be enjoying the show, watching their friends with amused smiles.

namra's gentle hands guide you back into a seated position, and she tenderly fixes your disheveled hair. onjo's compliment, "aigoo, y/n, you're so cute," makes you blush, and you pull your knees to your chest, feeling a little self-conscious.

you bow your head, murmuring a soft "thank you," which prompts cheongsan to chuckle and shake his head. just as kyungho is about to ask if everyone is ready for the shot, you suddenly speak up, "wait! where's joonyeong? he needs one." your words are met with an awkward silence, and the laughter that had filled the room just moments before dies down. you look around the circle, expecting to see joonyeong's familiar face, but he's nowhere to be found. "did he go upstairs?" you ask, a hint of concern creeping into your voice. you shout his name, "joonyeong!" but there's no response. namra and onjo exchange an uncertain glance, before turning to look at you, seemingly surprised by your seriousness. the room remains silent, with all eyes on you, as you wait for a response that doesn't come.

daesu's slurred words cut through the awkward silence, "what did you say?" he asks, his eyes squinting slightly as he tries to focus.

you brush your hair out of your face, feeling a warm flush spread through your body as the alcohol takes hold. "huh? joonyeong," you repeat, your tone casual, as if you're discussing something mundane. you shrug, looking around at the others, who are still wearing serious expressions. "what? should we not invite him?" you ask, a hint of confusion creeping into your voice. you laugh, thinking it's all some kind of joke, but the others' somber faces only add to your confusion.

namra's soft voice breaks the silence, "y/n..." she says, her words trailing off as she hesitates to repeat the painful events of just a couple of hours ago. but before she can continue, cheongsan interrupts, "asleep." his voice is firm, but his eyes betray a hint of sadness. "remember? he said he was tired," he adds, his words a gentle lie.

the group's attention turns to cheongsan, their faces a mix of confusion and sadness. you, however, seem to accept his explanation, thinking for a moment before nodding, "oh, you're right. i kinda remember that now." you point at cheongsan, a look of vague recollection on your face. the others exchange somber glances, their expressions a mix of sorrow and confusion. it's clear that they're struggling to understand how you could have forgotten, or perhaps, how you could have thought joonyeong was still alive. the atmosphere in the room grows heavier, weighed down by the unspoken truth.

kyungho, sensing the awkwardness in the air, attempts to shift the mood with a sudden declaration, "okay, let's take this shot then!" the others, grateful for the distraction, quickly grab their shots and cheer before downing them.

as you tilt your head back to take the shot, your hand seems to move of its own accord, spilling some of the liquid down your chin and onto your neck. you hastily swallow the remaining drink in your mouth, wincing slightly at the burning sensation. wujin's enthusiastic "woo!" cuts through the air, followed by nods of agreement from the others. "that was good," he declares, savoring the taste. hari, meanwhile, admits, "i wish i knew drinking games," a hint of wistfulness in her voice.

you bring your fingers to your neck, assessing the damage from the spilled drink. your eyes, now hazy from the alcohol, gaze upward to find kyungho gently wiping your chin with a small towel. he flashes a warm smile, asking, "did you even drink any?" his smile is infectious, and you can't help but laugh. for a moment, you're tempted to lean into his touch, but a tiny voice of dignity within you protests, urging you to maintain some semblance of composure. "i did, i promise," you reply, trying to sound convincing, before a hiccup escapes your lips, betraying your inebriated state.

onjo stands up, adjusting her pants as she announces, "okay, i think i'm gonna take hroryeong upstairs and sleep." you immediately protest, "no! onjo, stay here," but she's resolute.

hari chimes in, "i'mma head upstairs too," and together, hari and onjo carefully lift hroryeong and begin to make their way up the stairs. you watch them go, feeling a pang of disappointment. as you turn to mijin, you ask, "you're staying, right?" but mijin looks uncertain, glancing back and forth between you and hari, who's now disappearing up the stairs. you tease her, "whatever, just go," and laugh, trying to make light of the situation.

mijin hesitates for a moment before she too decides to head upstairs. "alright, i'll go," she says, before turning to leave. you watch her go, feeling a bit deserted.

the group has dwindled significantly, leaving only a handful of people remaining. you glance around at the others, noticing that the atmosphere has become more subdued. kyungho catches your eye and smiles, and you can't help but smile back. "so, what's next?" wujin asks, breaking the silence. he looks around at the others, his eyes sparkling with mischief. "should we play another round?"

the playful banter between mijin and wujin continues, with the others watching with amused smiles. kyungho chuckles and shakes his head, "you two are something else." suhyeok, who had been quietly observing the exchange, suddenly speaks up, "actually, i think wujin has a point." he says, his voice calm and measured. "we could play a game. something to liven things up." the group's attention turns to suhyeok, intrigued by his suggestion. "what kind of game?" daesu asks, his curiosity piqued.

"how about 'rock, paper, scissors, shot'?" you suggest, a mischievous grin spreading across your face. "we can play a best-of-three series, and the loser of each round has to take a shot."

mijin's eyes sparkle with excitement. "oh, i love that game," she says, already pouring herself a shot. "it's so simple, but so brutal." wujin chuckles. "yeah, and it's a great way to get drunk quickly." kyungho nods, a competitive glint in his eye. "alright, let's play. i'm going to crush you all."

the air is electric as everyone prepares for a thrilling round of "rock, paper, scissors, shot." kyungho's voice cuts through the tension, "ready?" the group collectively holds their breath, focusing intently. "rock, paper, scissors!" kyungho exclaims, and in unison, everyone reveals their hand.

namra and cheongsan opt out, leaving you, wujin, daesu, mijin, and suhyeok to battle it out. the results are in, and daesu and mijin triumphantly shout, "we got scissors!" a glance around reveals that everyone else had chosen paper. you can't help but sigh, knowing daesu and mijin are off the hook. wujin breaks the silence, "okay, us four, let's go." the others prepare for another round as kyungho's voice rings out once more, "rock, paper, scissors!" but this time, you notice your vision starting to blur. you blink hard, struggling to refocus.

as you take stock of the situation, you breathe a sigh of relief to see wujin and kyungho are safe, but your anxiety quickly returns as you realize you and suhyeok are the last two remaining. kyungho's enthusiastic shout of "come on y/n!" breaks the tension, while wujin offers suhyeok a supportive pat on the back. the group's energetic chant of "rock, paper, scissors!" fills the air, and you throw a rock, only to have suhyeok try to sneak in a scissors before swiftly changing to paper. you catch him in the act, smacking his hand away, and the group erupts in laughter, with suhyeok joining in. namra observes the scene, noting the way this lighthearted moment has effortlessly dissipated the tension between you and suhyeok.

as suhyeok reaches for a cup, the room erupts in a chorus of cheering, with everyone chanting his name. he chugs the contents instantly, and the crowd goes wild. your gaze lingers on him, and you can't help but notice how captivating suhyeok looks in this moment.

your eyes grow heavier, and your head spins slightly. daesu slurs, "y/n is so drunk," but it's clear he's not one to talk, given his own inebriated state. you turn to him, shaking your finger in mock scolding, "you're worse than he is!" mijin points at daesu, cackling uncontrollably as she topples backward. namra's voice trails off as she mentions heading upstairs to check on the girls, and in an instant, she's gone. the sudden absence isn't even registered until an hour later, when a careless reach for her reveals only empty space.

kyungho's subtle posture hadn't caught your attention - he was leaning on his side, head propped up, and gazing at you with an intriguing smile. mijin, however, had noticed and couldn't help but react with a raised eyebrow. she nudged wujin and discreetly pointed to kyungho, prompting wujin to tilt his head in confusion.

in a slightly slurred tone, mijin asked, "so, kyungho, are you...into guys or girls?" the question hung in the air, and you froze, apprehensive about the potential fallout. even in your intoxicated state, a thread of fear managed to weave its way into your relaxed demeanor. kyungho paused, taking a moment to collect his thoughts. his gaze drifted to the bottle in his hand before he replied, "i like what i like." as he spoke, his eyes locked onto yours, and he took a sip from his bottle. daesu, who was leaning against wujin, caught the intense look and immediately sought wujin's confirmation, as if to validate what he thought he was seeing.

daesu's voice cuts through the air, a hint of forced nonchalance betraying his drunken state. "so, what's your thoughts on my friend here?" he asks, his gesture in your direction drawing attention to you like an unwanted spotlight.

you feel your face grow warm as the conversation continues, your embarrassment simmering just below the surface. "guys, shut up," you interject, your voice low and even, as you turn to wujin. "can you pass me that water bottle?" you ask, nodding towards the refrigerated doors behind him. wujin complies, retrieving the bottle with a bit of clumsiness, his movements a reminder of the evening's events.

kyungho's response is laced with a hint of mischief. "let's just say, i like what i see," he admits, his words sparking a contagious laughter from mijin, who playfully punches him in the arm. her eyes sparkle with giddy excitement at the subtle confession. meanwhile, you maintain a poker face, sipping on the cold water that brings some relief to your embarrassed flush.

kyungho's smirk returns as he recounts your first meeting. "seriously, i was drawn to his charm," he says, his gaze locked on yours. "he was sweet," he adds, his expression sincere. you nod in agreement, giving a thumbs up that sets off a round of laughter. however, not everyone shares the amusement. suhyeok's eyeroll and scoff don't go unnoticed by kyungho, who turns to face him with a serious, low tone. "you don't think so?" the room falls silent, with all eyes on suhyeok.

suhyeok's gaze drifted sideways, his annoyance palpable as he was met with yet another overly flattering comment. "i didn't say anything," he muttered, his tone subdued. kyungho, however, wasn't one to let things slide. "oh, come on," he pressed, taking a sip of his drink. "you were thinking something. the eye roll was a dead giveaway." his words hung in the air, making you feel uneasy for the second time. in that moment, you couldn't help but wish namra was by your side.

suhyeok shakes his head, his expression a mix of concern and amusement. "i think you've had one too many, friend," he says, nodding towards kyungho's drink. kyungho raises an eyebrow, his voice laced with a hint of defiance. "i'm not even tipsy, but i'm a man who values honesty. if you're going to call me out, i'll tell it like it is. apparently, that's not your style." the air is thick with tension as the two lock eyes. sensing the unease, you intervene, your voice soft and soothing. "how about we play another round?”

mijin breaks the tension with a nervous chuckle, "come on guys, let's not ruin the night." wujin chimes in, his awkward smile a testament to the discomfort in the air. "i'm game for another round, but..." kyungho sits up, his eyes fixed intently on suhyeok, "actually, can we clear the air? if suhyeok's not cool with me flirting with y/n, i'd like to know why." the atmosphere grows heavier, the group's attention now squarely on suhyeok.

suhyeok's demeanor shifted in an instant, his eyes transforming into those of a wolf poised to strike. the atmosphere grew thick with tension as you felt a shiver run down your spine. desperate to escape the uncomfortable encounter, you attempted to stand, but a wave of dizziness washed over you, forcing you back into your seat.

concerned voices filled the air as wujin asked, "y/n, are you okay?" mijin's grip on your arm tightened, her eyes filled with worry. "i'm really tired all of a sudden," you stammered, struggling to keep the tension calm. mijin swiftly took charge, helping you to your feet and draping your arm over her shoulders. "let's get you to bed," she said, guiding you upstairs as you stumbled, your vision blurring. "everything is so... fuzzy," you mumbled, rubbing your eye with your free hand.

wujin broke the silence with an awkward suggestion, "i think we should call it a night." he patted suhyeok's back as he stood up, suhyeok agreed by standing up and ttrailing behind mijin and you.

meanwhile, daesu's voice slurred as he slapped kyungho's back, "tomorrow, we drink again!" kyungho returned the gesture, playfully slapping daesu's back in response. “ofcourse!” he said with a bright smile.

kyungho was left to solitude, tasked with gathering the scattered trash while everyone else retreated upstairs. meanwhile, mijin struggled to lift you, her efforts hindered by your shifting weight. your outstretched hand grasped for the wall, but it offered little support. "y/n, come on! use your strength to help me out," mijin urged, her voice laced with a hint of amusement. just then, suhyeok swooped in, gently prying your arm from mijin's grasp and draping it over his shoulder. as he bent down to match your height, he simply stated, "i've got him." mijin nodded in agreement, affectionately ruffling your hair as you gazed down at your feet.

her voice dripped with amusement as she giggled and hurried up the stairs, peeking over the railing to catch your struggle. you leaned into suhyeok's embrace, placing a reassuring hand on his chest. "this is impossible," you whined, to which suhyeok offered a gentle nod and a soft whisper of encouragement: "you've got it." meanwhile, wujin's voice echoed up the stairs, "come on, y/n!" as he helped daesu, equally drunk, navigate the steps.

daesu's sudden declaration, "i think i need to go to the bathroom," is quickly followed by a gagging sound, prompting suhyeok to swiftly scoop you up in his arms. he rushes into the room, gently placing you on your bed. you can't help but laugh at the frantic pace. suhyeok inquires about your well-being, and you nod reassuringly.

just then, wujin's voice echoes from outside, calling for suhyeok's assistance with daesu, who's struggling to make it up the stairs. mijin's cackles can be heard, while suhyeok rushes out of the room to lend a hand, leaving you alone.

as you waited for the others to arrive, you found yourself fidgeting with your clothes, the silence a gentle hum in the background. the sound of footsteps and muffled voices drifted in from the hallway, signaling the boys' passage as they escorted daesu to the restroom. it was then that cheongsan slipped into the room, his voice barely above a whisper as he asked, "is he sick?" your response was a fit of giggles, accompanied by a nod, leaving cheongsan to wonder what had transpired.

cheongsan slid the wooden door shut with a soft creak, seeking refuge in his bed. he collapsed onto the mattress with a contented groan, his voice dripping with relaxation as he murmured, "this is going to be the best sleep ever." you trued to copy him, but your comfort was short-lived. a sudden lump formed in your throat, prompting you to sit up with alarm. "no, no, i need to stay upright," you whined, clutching at your chest with growing unease, fearful of succumbing to the same queasiness that had afflicted daesu.

"i need some water," you whispered to cheongsan, who sprang into action, sitting up with a jolt. his voice was laced with concern as he asked, "are you sure?" you nodded, becoming increasingly aware of the inky darkness that enveloped the upstairs. the alcohol was already wreaking havoc on your vision, and the shadows seemed to be closing in, making your head spin.

the door slid open once more, and suhyeok's voice cut through the darkness, "daesu is throwing up..." but before he could finish, cheongsan swiftly intervened, his voice tinged with urgency. "suhyeok, grab a cold water – y/n needs one, now." suhyeok vanished into the night, his footsteps a distant echo as he hastened downstairs. cheongsan shifted to your bedside, his gentle hands rubbing soothing circles on your back. "you're okay, y/n. hang in there," he whispered reassuringly, as you pressed your fingers to your forehead, fighting to stay awake.

meanwhile, suhyeok's feet pounded the stairs, skipping two at a time, as he hastened to fetch water. his mission was to help his friends rehydrate and sober up, despite his own slightly tipsy state. the cold air seemed to have a sobering effect on him, and he focused intently on his task. he yanked open the refrigerator door and scanned the shelves, his eyes locking onto the largest water bottle. as he pulled it out, he noticed it was the last one. his gaze wandered behind the refrigerator, where the open freezer door caught his attention. beyond it, a deeper freezer door came into view, adorned with a thick chain and lock. suhyeok's curiosity was piqued, and he found himself wondering what could be hidden behind such a secure door. his reverie was shattered by a sudden voice. "hey!" kyungho's greeting made suhyeok jump, his heart racing as he stood up straight, water bottle still in hand.

kyungho descended the aisle with a jog, small packets clutched in his hand, his expression a mask of contrition. "hey, man, i wanted to apologize. what i did earlier was stupid and immature," he admitted, his head shaking in guilt. suhyeok's gaze darted to the staircase before returning to kyungho, his response a simple, acknowledging nod. kyungho extended the packets, a peace offering of hangover remedies. "take these, give some to whoever needs them upstairs. i'll be behind the register if you need anything, anything at all," he said, his tone sincere. suhyeok's eyes flicked to kyungho's frame, a fleeting thought crossing his mind – he could take him down if needed, though it might require some effort. instead, he chose to accept the offering, nodding curtly as he took the packets and closed the fridge door. with a sense of urgency, he hastened back upstairs.

cheongsan moved with gentle purpose, lighting the lanterns scattered throughout the room. the soft glow of the flames cast a warm, golden light, transforming the space into a haven of comfort and tranquility.

you gazed around, taking in the cozy atmosphere, and turned to cheongsan with a smile. "this feels amazing, doesn't it?" you asked, and cheongsan's face lit up with a nod of agreement. "yeah..." he murmured, his voice barely audible, "i wish gyeongsu could've seen this." though spoken under his breath, the words carried to your ears, and you shared a laugh with cheongsan at the thought of gyeongsu's antics. "he would've eaten so much," you chuckled, the image conjuring up a warm, fuzzy feeling.

the door slid open once more, and you anticipated suhyeok's return, but instead, wujin stumbled into the room, his face a picture of distress. "guys, i couldn't take it anymore – he got it everywhere," wujin exclaimed, collapsing onto the floor with a dramatic flourish. cheongsan's eyes widened in shock, "no way, really?" he asked, incredulous. your concern, however, was focused on daesu's well-being, "is he okay?" you inquired, worry etched in your voice. just then, mijin's unmistakable cackles echoed from the hallway, and you couldn't help but ask, "is that mijin?" but your question was cut short as you doubled over, falling forward onto your bed, consumed by a fit of laughter.

wujin's laughter harmonized with yours, "yeah, the girls are trying to get her to sleep," he chuckled, clearly amused by the situation. cheongsan slipped out of the room, likely to lend a hand with daesu. just then, the sound of heavy footsteps echoed through the doorway, and suhyeok appeared, his voice low and cautious as he whispered, "wujin, watch out." but wujin remained immobile, too caught up in the hilarity of the moment.

suhyeok expertly navigated around him, his eyes fixed on you as he approached. he tosses something in his hand in the forner of the room with annoyance, it sounded like sugar packets but you ignore it. he twisted open the water bottle en route, the soft gurgle of the liquid a soothing serenade. as he sat down in front of you, his expression turned concerned, "you okay? do you feel sick?" he asked, his voice gentle. you smiled and shook your head, feeling an unexpected wave of relief wash over you now that suhyeok was back by your side.

as you gazed at suhyeok, you couldn't help but be captivated by the soft, golden light of the lanterns dancing across his features. the gentle glow seemed to accentuate his inviting expression, making it impossible for you to look away.

your eyes lingered on his hair, which lay flat against his forehead, appearing impossibly soft. suhyeok's sudden command, "open," startled you, and for a moment, you hesitated. your gaze dropped to the water bottle, now poised near your lips, with suhyeok's hand positioned beneath to catch any stray droplets. the tender gesture only added to the sense of intimacy, leaving you feeling momentarily breathless.

you parted your lips, and suhyeok carefully tilted the water bottle, allowing you to sip from it. as you swallowed, his fingertips from his other hand brushed against your throat, sending a subtle feeling in the bottom of your stomach. your gaze drifted upward, meeting suhyeok's eyes, and you felt a flush rise to your ears under his gentle scrutiny. your eyelids grew heavy, blinking lazily as you succumbed to the soothing sensation. the scene was almost surreal, with you resembling a deer calmed by a wolf's gentle touch. wujin, still sprawled on the floor, watched the exchange with an astute expression, as if he had just stumbled upon a profound realization. his eyes sparkled with a knowing glint, while you continued to drink.

suhyeok set the water bottle down, allowing you to catch your breath. you murmured a shy thank you, but suhyeok didn't respond, instead focusing on closing the bottle and placing it beside the bed. the moment was interrupted by cheongsan's shout, "wujin!" which jolted wujin out of his trance-like state.

he cursed under his breath, "shit..." before reluctantly pushing himself up from the floor and shuffling out into the hallway. however, he suddenly stopped in his tracks, tiptoed back to the room, and carefully slid the door closed before continuing on his way. cheongsan's voice echoed down the hallway once more, "wujin!" this time, wujin responded with a shout of his own, his tone tinged with annoyance, "i'm coming already!"

the room fell silent once more, with only the two of you remaining. suhyeok hadn't uttered a word, instead focusing on removing his socks as he padded over to his bed. you watched him intently, your gaze fixed on his every move, much like a devoted puppy awaiting instructions. suhyeok carefully placed his socks beside his bed before walking back over to you, his movements fluid and deliberate. he knelt down beside you, his hands gently cradling your foot as he began to remove your socks. the tender touch sent a warm feeling in you chest, and you couldn't help but bask in the soothing sensation.

suhyeok carefully set your socks aside, mirroring the precise manner in which he had handled his own. the silence was finally broken by your soft, grateful whisper, "thank you."

suhyeok stood up fully, his eyes never leaving yours, and said, "you should rest now. you've had a long night." his voice was low and soothing, a gentle command that brooked no argument. he reached out and carefully pulled the blankets up to your chest, his fingers brushing against yours in the process. you didn't pull away, instead letting the warmth of his hand linger on yours. "i'll be right outside if you need anything," he continued, his voice a soft promise. "just call out, okay?"

suhyeok turned to leave, his footsteps quiet on the floor, but you called out to him again, your voice barely above a whisper. "suhyeok?" he stopped in his tracks, his back still turned to you, and waited for you to continue. "i need you," you said, the words feeling inadequate for the comfort and care he had shown you. suhyeok turned around, a familiar look on his face, and nodded slightly. "what is it?," he replied, his voice low and gentle.

you hesitated, unsure of what to say next, but before you could gather your thoughts, a loud voice echoed down the hallway, "suhyeok!" wujin's boisterous call made both of you turn towards the door, suhyeok's eyes flicking towards the hallway before returning to yours. "can it wait?" he asked, his voice low and questioning. you nodded slowly, feeling a pang of disappointment, but also relief. suhyeok gave a small nod before turning to leave, sliding the door closed behind him. the moment the door clicked shut, you were alone with your thoughts, and they came flooding in. your face grew hot, a deep red spreading across your cheeks as your mind whirled with thoughts of suhyeok. you couldn't shake the feelings that had been building, and you felt overwhelmed. in a desperate attempt to drown out your thoughts, you closed your eyes and pulled the blanket over your head, hiding from the emotions that threatened to consume you.

[ecstasyhighway]

Where home is | gabriel reyes

husband!gabriel ‘reaper’ reyes x wife!reader

cw: some spanish! angst? fluff? idk , p in v , smut!! , military/blackwatch au? , breeding kink (?) i think thats it?? lmk if i missed anything

an: naw i dont speak spanish i used a translatior so i apologize for any mistakes, and irdc if he doesn’t speak it either its a headcannon guys leave me alonee. uhhh anyways i need him

wc: 2k ish

not proofread

It has been 12 months and 3 days since Gabriel left for a Blackwatch mission, no calls, no texts, nothing. Although you know he's busy and can't talk, you still miss him.

The house feels empty, even with your 2-year-old daughter Eliana running around it still feels empty. There have been endless nights of crying and on those nights you send Eliana to your mother's house. You miss him, you really do.

On Monday morning a package arrived addressed to you, from an unknown sender. You slowly open the box and see a cute plush bear holding a heart with the words I love you, you smile and tears swell in your eyes. You reach deeper into the box and feel an envelope. Inside the envelope was a letter from your husband, Gabriel.

"Mi reina, I miss you with all my heart. There is not a day that I do not think of you and Eliana. I am sorry that I am not able to contact you, this is a complicated mission but we are almost done. I will be home soon, wait for me - Gabe"

Those last words bring immense joy to your heart, your husband will be home soon! You will finally be able to hug your man, kiss him, hold him, and cry to him. You can finally relax knowing he is alive and home with you and your daughter.

It has been 2 months since you received the news from your husband, every day felt like a stab in the chest. You were beginning to lose hope, you weren't sure if he was coming home. The thought of him never coming home was enough to send you into a depression, but you refused. You knew he would come home, he has to.

It was 1 am on a Friday, you were asleep in your bed when the door unlocked and opened. Your husband made his way to your shared room and sighed happily. He walked to your sleeping body and carefully shook you awake. Your eyes opened slowly trying to focus on the blob before you. Immediately your senses were filled with the smell of Gabriel's cologne, you shot up and threw your arms around the man, sobbing as he held you close.

"I'm home mi amor," he said softly as a tear fell from his eye. You grabbed him pulling him onto the bed, peppering his face in kisses, you looked into his eyes and smiled feeling his weight on your body, your legs wrapped around his torso as you kissed him passionately, savoring the moment, afraid it would vanish into nothing if you didn't.

"I missed you so much Gabe" you sighed softly against his lips. His calloused hands grab you softly as he rolls onto his back making you straddle him. The kiss deepened as your tongues danced around each other, his hands resting on your ass kneading into the soft flesh. He breaks the kiss to suck at your neck, searching for that spot that makes you whimper. Your body involuntarily grinds on him as you enjoy the feeling of his lips on your body. "I missed you, and this body…fuck, forgot how sexy my wife was" he murmured against your skin, hands roaming over your body pulling you impossibly closer.

You pull away and look into his eyes "I was so scared… I was so worried you wouldn't come home…" you admit to him as tears fall down your cheek. He wipes the tears from your face and stares at you lovingly "I know, but m' here now, and I won't be leaving for a while." with a newfound urgency he captures your mouth in his, you could feel the passion and hunger in his kiss. A fire ignited in your body and he grabbed your thighs to encourage you to continue grinding, you felt him harden beneath you and you gasped "Missed you s'much… I need you s'bad…please" a smirk forms on his lips hearing those words.

He grabs at your shirt, almost tearing it off. Gabriel trails kisses down your body, starting at your neck and working his way lower. He peppers soft, open-mouthed kisses across your collarbone, down between your breasts, and over your stomach. Each kiss sends little shivers of pleasure through your body, making you squirm with impatience.

Finally, he reaches your core. He spreads your thighs wider and settles between them, looking up at you with dark, hungry eyes.

"So beautiful," he murmurs, before leaning in to inhale deeply at your entrance. The warm puff of air against your sensitive flesh makes you gasp.

"Gabe, please..." you whimper, desperate for him to taste you.

He smirks at your plea, then dips his head lower. His tongue flicks out, running from the bottom of your slit up to your clit in one long, slow lick. The flat of his tongue presses against your most sensitive bundle of nerves, sending sparks of pleasure through your body.

"Mmm," he hums against you, the vibration adding to the sensory overload. He begins to lap at you in earnest, his tongue circling your clit before dipping lower to spear inside you. He alternates between these two motions, occasionally sucking gently on your clit.

Your hips buck involuntarily, seeking more friction. Gabriel reaches up to grip your thighs, holding you still so he can set his own pace. "quit moving, lemme take my time… missed this pussy- missed your taste" The wet sounds of his tongue lapping at your juices fill the room, mingling with your soft moans and gasps. He inserts a finger into your hole finding that spongy spot on the inside of your walls, a cry leaves your throat at the stimulation. He continues licking your puffy clit and pumping his fingers as you leak down his chin. You feel that familiar knot tie in your core "Please- fuck m'so close Gabe please" he pushes your legs back opening you further, he speeds up his movements feeling you clench around his fingers, he groans into your pussy sending vibrations up your spine sending you over the edge. Your legs shake as you cum on his face with a cry "That's it, atta girl" he coaxes you through your orgasm, still pumping his fingers to help you through it. Once your breathing steadies he kisses you once again, letting you taste yourself.

"You taste so sweet, I could eat you all day" he chuckles softly as he rubs soft circles on your swollen clit, overstimulating you. "I..mmf- know but that can wait, i need you in me right n..now" you whine over choked moans. He smiles as he swiftly undresses, revealing his strong body. You bite your lip in anticipation and a whine escapes you. He lets his cock free and it slaps against his abdomen, he gives it a few strokes before putting it against your slit. He uses your cum and slick as a lube, rubbing the tip against your clit causing you to shake "Stop teasin' Gabe-" he slips his hard cock into your slippery hole making you cut yourself off with a moan.

The stretch is so delicious, you could cum again. His pace is slow as he takes in the warmth of your cunt "fóllame princesa, me perdí este coño" he curses under his breath as he pushes himself deeper. your nails scratch at his back as he thrusts into you, his head falls into the crook of your neck to suck on it leaving dark hickeys claiming you as his. his pace fastens as he thrusts into you, the lewd sounds of skin slapping fills the room. your eyes roll to the back of your head as you dig your nails deeper into his skin, wrapping your legs around his waist pushing him impossibly deeper. your orgasm approaches quickly and your cunt squeezes around his cock as he slams into you. the bed creaking with each harsh thrust.

"shit, you're so tight," he groans, his hips snapping forward with each thrust. "I'm not gonna last much longer." The thought of him cumming inside you pushes you closer to the edge. you reach down to rub your clit, desperate for release. The added stimulation combined with his relentless pace sends you careening over the edge once again. "oh fuck, Gabe, i'm cumming!" you cry out, your cunt clenching around him like a vice. The feeling of your walls pulsing and fluttering around his cock is too much for him to bear.

With a final, powerful thrust, Gabriel buries himself deep inside you as he finds his own release. You can feel his hot seed flooding your core, triggering another wave of pleasure that crashes over you. He collapses on top of you, both of you panting heavily as you come down from your highs.

He pulls out and gives your pussy a smack causing you to yelp. gabriel watches as his cum seeps out of your cunt, growing hard at the sight, "fuck…look at that… she so messy hmm? my wife and her pussy are so gorgeous" you blush at his words as arousal builds in your core once again. "mmm aún no he terminado, m'gonna get you pregnant again"

with that he throws your legs over his shoulders, putting you in a mean mating press, allowing him to sink deep into your heat. the warmth of his body weighing on yours excites you, bringing you comfort and peace knowing your husband is finally home.

his tip brushes against your cervix with each thrust, the feeling being both uncomfortable and pleasant "look at me mi amor, look at me while i make love to you" you meet his gaze, eyes filled with hunger and lust for you, he kisses you passionately as he continues fucking you like he hates you. "gabe.. youre so deep fuck" he groans in response The mating press allows you to feel every inch of his thick, hard length as he slides in and out of your dripping wet pussy. Your bodies are pressed so close together that you can feel the heat of his skin, the pounding of his heart, and the raggedness of his breaths.

tears begin to fall down your cheeks as you feel your orgasm build in your body, the intense pleasure and overstimulation adding to it. "gabe-fuck im gonna cum again..ngh" you gasp and squeeze around his length as your legs tremble. his pace doesn't falter as he continues thrusting, bringing you closer to the edge. your orgasm crashes into you like a tidal wave making your back arch slightly. a powerful wave of liquid escapes you as your eyes roll to the back of your skull, fat tears running down your cheeks from the pleasure. He groans deeply and continues his movement, hips stuttering as he cums deep inside you, not moving for a second leaving both of you breathing heavily.

he pulls out and softly removes your legs from his shoulders, massaging them as he looks at you with nothing but love and affection. He kisses your lips once more before getting up and grabbing a towel to clean you both up. by the time he's back with a warm wet towel you had fallen asleep. He wipes your cum filled cunt softly as he listens to your breathing and smiles. He gets into bed with you, bringing you closer to him and hugging you tightly as he whispers "I love you" before he joins you in slumber. naked bodies tangled together, warmth surrounding each other, nothing but comfort and peace fills the air.

you wake up to a heavy arm around your waist. you turn around to see your beautiful husband snoring obnoxiously loud, you giggle softly as you admire him, recalling the events from last night. you grab your phone and tell your mother to bring eliana home.

30 minutes later your daughter is home, filled with joy and laughter knowing her dad is home. you're making pancakes, bacon and eggs when you hear eliana squeal with excitement before running up to gabriel "DADDY!!! YOURE HOME" she jumps into his arms kissing him on the cheek "hi cariño i missed you" he says gruffly peppering her little face in kisses causing her to giggle. you smile watching everything unfold in front of you, happy that your husband is home, making your family complete once again.

translations: mi reina - my queen, mi amor - my love, fóllame princesa, me perdí este coño - fuck me princess, I missed this pussy, mmm aún no he terminado - mmm im not done yet, cariño - dear/sweetheart.

[paper-possum-party-pal]

Meet The Narrator!

And it appears that there are two other characters to unlock in this lineup!

I’ll give you all the lore for main tsp AU once I reveal the design for the final character, but for now you get to learn about my Narrator!

The Narrator is a being known as an Informis Voxumis that has spent years observing humanity. The Narrator and other beings like him do not have natural physical forms, they’re just a voice/consciousness stretched across planes of dimensions and reality. This existence intersecting these planes can allow them to build physical forms for themselves, but it’s incredibly difficult to do so considering the matter that needs to be pieced together in a functional manner. It’s a miracle that The Narrator would eventually manage to pull it off. Informis Voxumis, or ‘Voices’ for something simpler, existed across the galaxy since near the beginning of time, but their numbers have dwindled to the point that The Narrator and his two cohorts have only interacted with each other, and while there’s still probably more out there, it’s unli they’ll ever meet. There are two more Entities similar to the Informis Voxumis that are also watching over Earth and the three Voices, but that’s a story for another day.

The Narrator’s Bio!

(The Narrators fear and disdain for humanity is completely warranted. Not only are living things, to him, gross meat things that do awful gross stuff, but intelligent mortal beings are fully capable of killing or controlling the Informis Voxumis. How? Oh I definitely totally remember how and am certainly not stalling to tell you when I figure it out)

After spending years watching humanity The Narrator begins to grow bored, and while he’s weary about interacting with any aspect of Earth, he’s become insatiably curious. The Narrator gets the clever idea (in his opinion) to create a human and place it in a little sandbox he’s created to study the idiosyncrasies of humanity.

This is the start of The Parable.

Unfortunately for The Narrator, he doesn’t really know what he’s doing and while he thinks he’s making a completely original human, he’s actually plucked the recently deceased soul of one Stanley and has begun fiddling around with it. The original Stanley is mostly lost in this process, and beyond the few remanents left of Stanley, he is nothing more than a shell of what he once was, so at first he doesn’t really do much. The Narrator then has to tweak Stanley until he can move around, understand orders, etc. This creates a new Stanley with no memories of the past beyond what the Narrator has shoved into him for his character. This new Stanley starts out curious and optimistic, but you know how the story goes by now. He loses that optimism, starts doing everything he can to go against and irritate The Narrator, and they start butting heads. This begins their on again off again friendship and rivalry.

I’m still deciding when in the timeline it happens exactly, but The Narrator eventually makes his human form, partly to prove that he’s better than humanity and that he’d make a great human. Another repressed part of him did it because he was curious and lonely, and the most repressed part of him did it because he noticed how lonely, depressed, and touch starved Stanley was becoming. He doesn’t use it for a long time after making it, he hides it and doesn’t tell Stanley, but eventually he’s given the push he needed to try it out and finally greet Stanley in person.

He is immediately punched in the face.

Stanley doesn’t apologize, which is warranted, but that’s the moment they really start over and try to get along better.

That’s one(ish?) part done. Sorry if I’ve rambled on too much or if it’s disjointed. I’m honestly not used to writing things down like this and I needed to put what I had in my head out into the world. I’ll probably write a more comprehensive document or something, maybe answer questions, idk. It probably doesn’t help that there are certain aspects of this AU that I’m still trying to develop. I’ll need to make a separate things so I can make it clear exactly what’s going on with Stanley.

One final note, my Narrator does share a human name with one of @shinakazami1 Narrator’s from her lovely Ao3 fic “Destiny Surely Likes to Play Tricks” that she made with Taking_L’s. I wanted to make sure they got proper credit, and if you haven’t read it already, you really should! I’ll be posting a link to the fic separately since this post is already long enough.

Congrats if you managed to wade through my idea speghetti, good job! And thanks for all your lovely words in my last posts, it really makes my day!

The first image but without the character shadows

[confused-wanderer]

The new episode of Helluva boss had two A’s crossed.

Amazing and angsty.

But here’s the what ifs I keep wondering about.

NO HATE TO THE CREATORS OR THE SHOW THEY’RE BOTH AMAZING THESE ARE JUST MY OPINIONS SO NO HATE PLEASE.

Forget Blitz coming to save Stolas what about Octavia?

The one person in the world who cherishes Stolas, loves him more then Blitz and is her only stability.

She’s already afraid of losing him, and maybe since she doesn’t know how so many spells her magic would be erratic and dangerously malicious.

I want to see Octavia going ape shit, maybe her protecting Stolas can unlock her demon form for the audience to see as she defends her father with every thing she’s got.

Also things I hope but will probably never happen:

1. Blitz and Octavia team up to take down Stella and Andreaphus.

2. Stella might try to sway Octavia to her side to get possession of Stolas’ stuff.

3. Octavia confronts blitz and tells him about how Stolas has changed since meeting him, how he became happier, more full of life and how now he’s depressed because he doesn’t get to see him anymore.

4. Give me Blitz comforting Octavia

5. Striker returns and Stolas kills him, his last words to striker being “I told you you’d pay if you came near my daughter.” Stolas going feral and torturing Striker, seeing red until Blitz is the one who has to pull him back.

6. Signs that Blitz actually visited Stolas in the hospital a lot before he woke up but never told him.

7. Blitz mother henning Stolas while trying not to be too obvious about it and miserably failing. Going so far as to throw himself in front of Stolas and getting injured, but immediately frantic about Stolas and only calming down when he checks to make sure he’s okay. Give me stubborn but scared Blitz who refuses to talk about it, even to M&M.

Just- Octavia would’ve been devastated hearing the news. You can’t tell me she wouldn’t go feral protecting what she loves dearly. She’s Stolas’ daughter after all.

And when he’s hurt, give me Blitz whose father instincts kick in seeing Octavia cry and he sits down and cheers her up in typical Blitz way.

And maybe he’s terrified too, and they both just sit there in each others company, comforting each other.

This episode gave so much potential to the different possible character interactions and development that could arise from it, but while I’m excited to see what they come up with unfortunately I don’t think many of them will actually happen.

[liesmyth]

Seeing Jesus/Judas Alpha Omega discourse makes the theater kid who sat through her teacher talking about his favorite musicals return

So I need to say "Jesus Christ Superstar is ambigiously gay as fuck, to the point that every new version gets slightly gayer", and Judas in that is almost canonly a bratty top

The 2000 movie he basically makes out with Jesus for the kiss, and spends most of it dressed like a middle aged depressed biker guy. Also the last suppers hilarious because Judas spends the whole time so mad at Jesus he threatens to not turn Jesus into the authorities, because he doesnt want to do what hes told

This unlocked a memory... I watched the 2000 movie at a formative age and I was NOT expecting it to be that gay. Holy shit

[s-4pphics]

let the rain sing. interlude (a.a)

wc;cw: 6k, dadsbestfriend!abby, lawstudent!oc, large age gap (oc is 25, abby is mid 40s), abby is bi<3, fluff, HEAVY ANGST ANGST ANGST!!, childbirth, vomiting, blood, brief mentions of abortion, descriptions of insomnia, alcoholism, familial death, heavy descriptions of grief (depression, dissociation, anger), suicidal ideation, funerals & hospitals

Abby was conflicted when she found out she was pregnant. 

She was ecstatic to start her term at Harvard Law due to some internship offers she received, but her excitement swiftly dissipated when waves of nausea started to overtake her. 

She wasn’t concerned with the feeling at first. The fall term was always the most unpredictable for weather, and she assumed it was just the flu that often went around. Humiliation rushed through her when another wave hit during her sociology course, rushing out into the hallway to bend over the nearest trash, vomiting up her favorite brown sugar oatmeal from that morning. 

She decided to see a doctor three days later when the sickness continued. She couldn’t get her test results the same day due to her hectic schedule and exhaustion from studying, so she opted to request them in the mail, despite her gynecologist’s urgency. 

When she received her results two days later, her heart sank. 

She paced around the small living room of her boyfriend’s apartment with anxiety in her gut and love in her heart. She’d been in complete disbelief, crumpling the urine test in her hands and throwing them onto the coffee table. 

Her mind was racing a million miles per minute: How was she going to explain to her boyfriend—her parents— that she would be keeping her child no matter what? Her parents promised to be supportive of her if she stayed in school, but she was almost positive that they would disapprove of her baby. She didn’t care if they supported her or not, but she didn’t want to raise her children in an unstable environment. She wanted to give them the best of everything, of herself, but she couldn’t do that then. Her boyfriend had already been working like a dog to keep this place afloat, and a baby would be a burden for both of them.

But she knew she wanted to be a mother when she was young. She had a large family, but she always gravitated towards her younger relatives due to their liveliness. They made her feel joy that she knew she missed out on growing up, so she lived through them. They revived her in a sense. The circumstances were different in her mind when she envisioned herself as a parent: she was older, successful, married to the love of her life, and not regretting any of her decisions. She would’ve been happy. Excited and thankful for the blessing she believed kids to be. 

Seeing the news terrified her and almost sent her spiraling into panic; She was only twenty-three! 

She loved children. They always flocked to her when she was growing up, whether it be her younger siblings, cousins, nieces and nephews, or random people’s toddlers in grocery stores garbling at her from their cart seat. She never felt annoyed towards her younger family members. She always held them tight so they knew how much she loved them, no matter how much they got on her fucking nerves sometimes. 

What teenager volunteers to babysit her big sister’s toddlers on the weekends? 

… Abigail. 

She was a nervous wreck while she waited for her boyfriend to come home from work. She’d been sobbing for hours, but she managed to calm herself down by staring at her frantic form in the bathroom mirror. 

She couldn’t think straight with the pounding in her head, nervously bouncing her leg as she sat on the couch as she bit her nails.

And then their front door unlocked. 

Abby… oh my god… I’m—

We’re pregnant? Oh my fucking god, we’re pregnant! 

We’re having a baby?! I’m gonna be a dad! 

Abby was not expecting her boyfriend to drop the wrinkly papers and lift her into the air in a heap of excitement, drowning her in tight grasps and kisses to her mouth and cheek. She cried harder; His joy was so comforting. 

She wasn’t going to be alone during her pregnancy, and she was grateful. 

Abby dropped out of Harvard three months into her pregnancy. 

Her and her newfound husband eloped at their town’s small lake at the end of his third year at law school, and they moved in together shortly after so she didn’t have to move around as much. She knew carrying was difficult, but her hair was falling out and she sobbed whenever her husband asked her what she wanted for dinner. 

You’re so sweet! I can’t help it, okay?! Leave me alone!

She and her husband were left to fend for themselves during her first trimester. 

Her parents did not take kindly to her pregnancy announcement. She was always super close with her parents growing up despite their overprotective nature, and she hardly ever fought with them. Whenever they expressed their disapproval of her decisions, she bowed her head and left without rebuttal. 

She expected the worst when she and her husband invited them over for dinner to announce it to them properly, and that’s exactly what she got. 

Abigail… Are you fucking kidding me!

What the hell is a child going to do for you right now?

Do you understand how much you’re giving up? You have so much to lose!

You’re cut off unless you… handle that!

Her husband took over the conversation with a sharp, defensive tongue since the pounding of her head made her shut down. She was so fucking nauseas at their suggestions. She did consider an abortion a couple of weeks into her pregnancy, but the way her parents talked down about her future baby broke her heart and pissed her off. 

Her husband's booming shouts at her parents would have triggered her defense for them under any other circumstances, but she only felt protected as he told them to fuck off! She knew she was loved by him to an infinite degree. Appreciation for her husband bloomed inside of her like roses.

Her parents left with a loud slam of their front door, and her husband held her as she sobbed at the table. 

The food he prepared for everyone ran cold. Neither of them could stomach anything for the next few days. 

Abby’s third trimester was the most difficult, for both her and her husband. 

She never experienced this much pain in her life. 

She was six months along, and it really took a toll on her body. Her ankles were swollen, her ligaments were aching, and her joints would not stop popping whenever she moved around the tiny one-bedroom apartment. Her hair loss made her too anxious to leave the house, and she hated how superficial she felt whenever she would weep because of it when her husband was at work. At least her nausea subsided. 

She hated looking at herself in the mirror: her under eyes were dark and droopy, small bald spots littered behind her hairline, dark patches littered her skin. She looked fifty years older, and she hated it. 

But her husband never failed to kiss away her insecurities. Appreciate them. Drown them in affection no matter how much she cried about hating herself. 

He worked so hard for them to stay afloat: two jobs while keeping up with his course and nearly drowning in his studies. He suffered some pushback due to the transition from a full to part-time student, but he was doing his best to finish as quickly as possible. 

Abby cried every night as his exhausted form slept next to her. 

She felt so… useless. She watched her husband bust his ass, get fired from previous jobs, get turned down from decent-paying jobs, and she couldn’t help but feel responsible for his weariness. He looked just as worn as she did, and she loathed herself for putting all of this responsibility on him. 

He never complained, though. He would come home with takeout, kiss her head, tell her how much he loved her and how all of this would be worth it. 

Was the decision to keep her baby selfish? 

She didn’t know at that time. 

Abby had a premature birth. 

She’d finally gathered the courage to go shopping with her husband for decorations for the nursery, but the trip was cut short when she began having contractions in the middle of the toy aisle. 

They awoke her earlier that day: the cramps always brought her discomfort, but she noticed that the intensity was different. They shot through her much more harshly than they should’ve, but they eventually stopped, so she paid them no mind. 

Until she was hunched over the stocked shelves as her husband tried to get her into the nearest empty seat. 

She breathed out harsh cries of the baby, my baby as her husband frantically dialed for an ambulance despite her protests. The pain she felt burned whenever it flashed through her lower body, a constant push downward, and she knew something was wrong.

Her mind was racing as anxiety rushed through her body; she thought back to her frequent hospital visit. She knew a premature birth would be a possibility due to some complications with her cervix, but it was still early. She’d just reached the seven-month period, for fucks sake!

She could barely make it outside when the ambulance arrived, her vision foggy and she couldn’t stop sobbing, the paramedics’ voices sounding like bleating alarms in her ears whenever they attempted to calm her. She couldn’t bring herself to care about anything as she came in and out of consciousness, the only thing on her mind being the image of her happily crying husband holding their newborn for the first time. 

Please let my baby be okay, please, please, please—

Abby couldn’t stop sobbing. She never thought that conceiving would cause a stabbing pain in her heart. 

She went hysterical when she overheard that her baby wasn’t breathing, her heart rate monitor going out of whack as her lungs burned from her ragged breaths. Her husband tried to calm her down with his soft touches and words, but it only made her cry harder. She needed to hold her baby!

Her labor had already been nerve-racking, full of uncertainty and left her and her husband panic stricken for hours despite the doctors’ instructions to keep calm. When her infant was rushed into another room, her husband, and other doctors had to pin her down to keep her from thrashing from panic in her hospital bed. 

She didn’t stop until another doctor returned and told her husband that their daughter would be closely monitored while on ventilation for the rest of the week.

Please, can I see my baby? Please, please?—

But her cries were gently denied due to their infant’s extremely fragile state. They tried to comfort her as much as they could, but none of their soft words, husband’s cuddles and meals, or warm, fuzzy socks soothed her. 

She and her husband were released days later with an empty car-seat filled with stuffed animals and a pacifier. 

Their hearts were vacant. 

Their home was soulless for two weeks. 

No baby crying, no diaper changing, no breastfeeding. They didn’t even have the heart to finish decorating for the nursery. 

Abby watched her husband move on autopilot, waking up, going to work, going to class, and struggling to sleep. His insomnia had increased drastically ever since she gave birth, heavy bags forming under his eyes as he launched himself into his notetaking in the middle of the night. His desk was swamped with hefty books and sloppily stacked paper, murmuring to himself so he could memorize the necessary vocabulary. 

She was overcome with failure and nearly drowned in self-loathing. Failure as a wife, as a parent. She couldn’t protect and care for her baby how she wanted, and guilt rested heavily with intent to crush her. 

They both couldn’t speak, only whispering soft I love you so much before she slipped off into dreamland, her subconscious terrorized with images of her smiling baby girl who she prayed to see soon. 

When Abby’s husband got the call from their daughter’s doctor, they both rushed to the hospital. 

Abby’s raging nausea was quickly soothed by the doctor’s delighted face upon their arrival before ushering them to his office. 

I’m excited to tell you two that your daughter’s stable! She’s quite small, but she’s healthy! We do have some extra caretaking rules—

They could barely understand the doctor’s rambling due to their excitement of seeing their newborn for the first time. The doctor handed her husband paperwork before leading them down the long hallway. They nearly toppled over each other as they followed the doctor, bursting into the room that held newborns and other premature infants. 

They followed the doctor to their child’s incubator, and immediately burst into tears at the sight of their little—very little—angel. 

She was wrapped in an oversized onesie and booties that nearly slipped off her tiny feet. That was the first time they both saw her eyes open, and they couldn’t control their emotions as they sobbed from pure joy. 

They were so eager to hear the news from the doctor that Abby’s husband left the car seat in the vehicle. He probably looked crazy as he sobbingly retreated to the car with a strong love in his heart. 

Abby was first to hold their baby. She took note of the pediatrician’s instructions when wrapping her in blankets whenever her feet felt cold. 

When she felt the light weight of her child in her arms, she felt the purest form of love explode in her chest. She didn’t know how long she’d been crying and cooing at the bundle of joy, inhaling her scent in the crook of her neck, but she never wanted that feeling to dissipate. 

When her husband returned with the car seat and small bag, he kissed his daughter’s head so lightly. She cooed at him, and he and Abby squealed as the doctors giggled. 

They finally had their baby Mya in their grasp, and they left with light searing in their hearts. 

Their first few months with a newborn were rough. 

Loud crying. Dirty diapers. Frantic schedules. No fucking rest for either of them. But they both knew they wouldn’t trade the chaos of their small home for anything. It was all worth it when Mya kicked her feet when she looked at the twinkly star stickers on the ceiling before bed and garbled at the two of them. 

Abby never thought breastfeeding would be as taxing as it was. She woke up to her breasts feeling like rocks, their child’s cries wracking through the nursery. At least her hair started to grow back. 

Her husband was always awake in the wee hours of the morning, dragging himself into Mya’s small nursery like a zombie to feed and nuzzle her. Abby loved walking in on the two of them sleeping whenever she finished pumping, Mya pulled close to her father’s chest. 

The sight of their synced breaths always calmed her; She fell asleep with ease knowing they were together.

Toddlers were… interesting. 

Abby, in all her years of being surrounded by children, never witnessed a toddler reenact fish… noises? Since when did fish make noise?

Abby’s husband mistakenly left Animal Plant playing on their television while he snored on the couch with books on his chest and lap, and Abby drowsily entered the living room to shut off the loud narrations about extinction. 

Only to catch their baby girl bouncing up and down on the cushion next to her slumped dad, puffing her cheeks together and making quiet blubblubblub noises, just like the intensified audio from the television. 

She tried to regret teaching her baby how to take her first steps and get out of her crib on her own, but the sight made her heart brighten as she smiled to herself. 

She eased towards the couch, taking a seat next to an excited Mya as she watched the aquatic life interact with each other. Her smile widened at the sight of her mom, her tiny, stubby finger coming up towards her lips while she pointed towards her dad. Abby grinned and nodded with her, filling her cheeks with air like she saw her child do before she interrupted. Mya laughed quietly and copied her mom. 

She promised to scold her for being up way past her bedtime later. 

Mya fell asleep on Abby’s chest as she listened to the sound of the ocean. 

Mya had just turned four when Abby received a call from her mother. 

She hadn’t heard from her parents in years, and frankly, she didn’t want to. She could tell that her husband was a bit hurt that they didn’t congratulate him for receiving his law degree, but he was able to let it go, especially since his baby girl gave him the fattest kiss on the cheek in a small celebration.  

… Hi, honey. I know it’s been a while since, uh… since we’ve talked but… I just wanted to say I love you… and tell my granddaughter I said happy birthday… We love you all very much. I hope we can all meet again soon. Bye.

The voicemail made her eyes burn with sadness. Then anger, then love. She missed her parents immensely, but she would never be able to forget how they reacted to her pregnancy. Mya quickly became her source of happiness the second she was born, and she couldn’t imagine what her life would be if she never had her baby. 

She knew she would have to reconnect with her family at some point, but Mya would always come first. If her parents were to ever make Mya feel like her future was ruined because of her, Abby would be fine with never speaking to them again, no matter how much it would hurt. 

Abby jumped when she felt two small hands grab the fat on her wet cheeks, pressing slobbery kisses to both. 

Don’t cry, mommy! S’gonna be okay! I love you!

Abby shouldn’t have cried harder, but she did, choking out a sob as she tried to smile for her daughter. 

I know, baby. I love you so much. Everything’s gonna be fine. 

She hoped—prayed her daughter was right.

Abby and her small family’s lives changed so much in just a few months. 

Her husband found a stable job as a document clerk at a law firm, and they were able to move out of his dingy apartment into a decent one story after some months. It wasn’t anything extravagant, but they were happy. 

The bags under her husband's eyes have lessened in shade ever since his graduation. He also gathered time to eat with her at their small dining table instead of eating at his computer desk alone. They were finally comfortable. 

They bought Mya anything she wanted to make up for her disappointing birthday parties. 

Abby took note of her daughter's love for water. 

She always used to play various audios of rainfall and ocean waves for a sleepy Mya until she was two, but she didn’t expect the soothing technique to explode into her four-year-old playing in puddles and obsessively watching the rain through the glass backdoor. 

She watched Mya sit and stare out the wet windows, quietly humming lullabies to herself until she slipped into rest, gently snoring against the couch cushions. Abby never took kindly to Spring due to her allergies, but she was happy her baby found comfort in it. 

She told her husband about their daughter’s new habit when he returned from work one day, and he thought it was the most precious thing in the world. He wished he could’ve been present to see it. 

Maybe she wants to be a fish! We should take her to the lake one day. 

Abby scheduled swimming lessons for Mya that very next week. 

It was confirmed. Mya was a mermaid in her past life. 

She was a bit intimidated by the large pool when they arrived for her first lesson, but after a few sessions with her swim teacher, she stubbornly protested wearing her purple and blue floaties. 

C’mon, honey! Put your arm through so we can go swimming! 

No, mommy, no! 

She felt a bit of jealousy build in her gut when her daughter’s swim teacher gently pulled her stubby arms and legs into the little floaties without fail. She could hear Mya’s joyous giggle as she slapped the water around, practicing her paddling with her instructor’s support. 

Abby begrudgingly ate her Cheetos with a pout on her face from the poolside chair. 

Mya was five when she met her extended family for the first time. 

Her birthday had just passed, and Abby’s mom rang her line, inviting her family over for a small dinner. C’mon, sweetie! I just wanna see my granddaughter! 

Abby was not surprised when the “small dinner” turned out to be a full-fledged surprise party for Mya: balloons everywhere, a large cake with a Barbie doll in the middle, all her cousins, aunts, and uncles jumping with party hats. 

Mya was more than giddy at the sight, squealing and running over to the only auntie she knew, but Abby and her husband were a bit skeptical. It’d been a long while since they’d been in this environment, and they were very uneasy. But their little angel was so happy, so they pushed their edginess to the side. For her. 

The party went smoothly for the most part, despite their initial feelings, but Abby and her parents did get into a small scuffle in the backyard. It took everything not to snatch the icing-littered fork from Mya’s hand and make their exit. 

You have to understand where I’m coming from! Imagine if someone you loved told you to get rid of your kids when you were pregnant! Would you not feel disappointed?

I wouldn’t! I would understand that they had my best interest in mind, regardless of the situation! 

… I can’t believe the both of you. You’re really gonna stand by that? On her fucking birthday?

Abby’s husband politely thanked everyone for the gifts and food, but he knew it was time to go by the tense expression on his wife’s face. She thanked him for his intuition every day; She was about to cause a wreckage on that patio. 

He picked up his tired baby girl from her resting spot on the couch, grabbed his keys, and ushered his wife out the door without another word. 

Abby silently cried the entire ride home, her husband's hand enclosed tightly around hers, resting in her lap. 

Abby and her husband decided to take Mya to the lake where they got married for her seventh birthday. 

She could finally swim without assistance, and they wanted her to live out her mermaid fantasy. 

They made an entire weekend out of it: kayaking, fishing, wakeboarding. Mya looked so happy the entire time, completely engulfed with her love for nature. They'd never seen her so explorative; She wanted to see everything the trip had to offer. Including the sunset at the highest point of the hiking trail. 

Honey, we’re getting old! We can’t run that fast anymore! 

Hurry up, lugs! We have to make it to the top before the sun sets! C’mon!

Before they left the campgrounds, Abby shoved her camera into her husband’s hands, tossing all her bags to the floor and pulling her daughter up onto her back, listening to her laugh as she yelled at her husband to take a picture of them in front of her favorite place. 

How the hell do you use this, Abby?!

Just take the damn picture before I fall!

The swear jar is gonna be filled before we leave! Stop cursing, old heads! 

Okay, 1, 2, 3! Say cheese!

Abby and her daughter squealed as the camera flashed in front of them, the grounds filled with the family’s joyous laughter. 

Abby noticed changes in her husband’s behavior. 

He came home from work smelling of liquor, and their cabinets were becoming stocked with tequila and aged bottles of wine. At first, she assumed he was just going out with his work friends after his shift, but when he jokingly expressed to her that he needed liquor to sleep one morning, she grew concerned. Her husband developed sleeping problems years ago, but he never went into detail about it. She felt so guilty. 

When Abby gently expressed her worries to him one night before bed, he blew up on her. It was the first time they ever fought. Ever. 

I’m fucking stressed, Abigail! I have so much to take care of and I’m not getting any fucking help from you! I can’t fucking sleep anymore! 

Do you know how many times I begged you to let me fucking work! You always said no because of Mya! And keep your fucking voice down, my daughter’s sleeping!

Oh, now she’s your daughter?! Really? 

Her husband went to sleep on the couch that night while Abby quietly sobbed as she checked on her daughter, relieved at her snoring, unmoving form. She didn’t need to hear any of that. 

She cried herself to sleep. 

She woke up to the smell of sweetness and coffee. She drowsily rubbed her eyes and entered the kitchen, her husband already sat and sipping his coffee, looking just as exhausted as she felt. 

They ate their breakfast in silence before her husband broke it, tearfully mumbling out his apologies. 

You and Mya are my life. I love you both so much. I’m gonna get help, I swear. I hate feeling like this. 

Abby trusted him; He had her full support. 

Mya loved riding her new, pink bike in the rain. 

The streets were empty and quiet when it poured heavily, and the vacant roads made for a great practice track. Her father gifted her a tricycle for her eighth birthday, and she couldn’t separate from it. She rode it up and down the street for hours, only to run inside with her clothes completely drenched, change into dry ones, and run back outside and hop onto her new ride. 

She begged her mom to buy her an actual bicycle because she felt like she was ready for one, and she gave in to her daughter’s pouty face. She couldn’t deny her; she was too cute! 

After many scraped knees and elbows, she was gliding through the streets on her two-wheeler with ease through the rain. She was happy, so Abby was too. 

Her husband returned to his normal behavior a year later. 

The cabinets and garbage cans were no longer stocked with bottles, and he didn’t smell of Tequila anymore. It was relieving, and she was so proud. 

When Abby’s husband asked her on a date, her heart pounded against her chest like she was about to have her first kiss again. 

She came home from shopping, dripping wet from the heavy rain, to a bouquet of flowers and a sloppily written note, dotted with hearts and little sparkles. 

Taking Mya to see Ross’s daughter. Picking you up at 7:30. I love you. 

Hubby. 

Abby rang her sister as she bolted up the stairs with a wide grin on her face. 

She finally had an excuse to wear her fancy, rosy-red dress!

Abby grew nervous when her husband hadn’t answered the phone. Four times in a fucking row. 

They were already a half hour late for their reservation, and Abby’s sister and youngest nephew were patiently waiting for her husband and Mya to walk through the front door. 

She bit and picked the rosy polish off her nails despite her sister’s protests. 

Girl, they’re fine! Probably just traffic, it’s pouring! Be patient for once before you sweat your make-up off. 

Abby knew her sister was right, but she couldn’t ignore the feeling of unease in her gut. Her husband was a lot of things, but he was never late, especially without warning. Something didn’t feel right. 

She never considered herself superstitious, but she felt the loud rumbles of thunder were confirmations of her suspicions.

An hour passed, and Abby couldn’t breathe. 

When her husband’s bone-shattering, slurry cries rang through her speaker, terror shook through her body like the lightning bolts that shone behind the clouds. She was instantly panic-stricken, trying to make out the words that vibrated her ears. 

She looked at her sister with fear and confusion before the words Mya… hit… car… bike tore through the line like a knife, piercing her in her chest with intent to kill. 

She couldn’t breathe or think, and her phone dropped from her hands before the world around her went dark. 

Abby looked down at her drunk husband as he crouched on the slippery, black pavement, grabbing at her ankles, and sounding like he would cough his lungs up as he cried her name, wailing out apologies. 

She doesn’t know how she got to her mutual friend’s neighborhood, or why her husband's cries were gut-wrenching, or why she was sitting in the back of an ambulance with the oxygen mask still strapped around her head. 

… Why wasn’t Mya sitting next to her, holding her hand, and telling her everything was going to be okay? 

Her sister and nephew were sobbing as a police officer explained the events of the scene, but Abby couldn’t hear anything. She refused to hear the poisonous words they spewed at her about their child. All she had to do was wait for her baby girl to run up and whine about how much she missed her. 

She would come. She thought. She would. She would. She would. 

… Hit and run… We’re so sorry… loss. 

Abby shook her head and her nails dug into her palms.

She would come. Her baby would come. She loved the rain too much; She would never miss a thunder show. She would come. 

The blaring rumbles that rang through the sky confirmed it. Her baby would come. The universe believed it, so she had to. 

Abby looked up from the broken man in front of her and caught a glimpse of the mangled, pink bicycle and stretcher that was draped in a white sheet, surrounded by people dressed in black coats and badges with their heads bowed. The outline of the body underneath the pale, red-speckled covering was small, unmoving… Looked too much like—

Her head dropped right back to her choking husband. 

No, no, no! She would come, she would come, she would come—

An hour passed, and the rain stopped. 

Mya never came. Abby couldn’t stop screaming. 

Abby hated hospitals. 

The paramedics were fearful of leaving her and her husband alone in their hysteria, suggesting to detectives that they should return to the hospital until they were stable. 

She never thought she would distance herself from her husband; She even shocked herself when she harshly shoved him away from her when he reached for a hug. His devastated expression tore her heart to shreds, but she couldn’t look at him, hold him, bear to smell the alcohol that masked the formerly comforting scent of his cologne. Not at that moment. 

They were placed in separate rooms for the night, and Abby wanted to die. 

She heard the broken hollers and whimpers of her parents and siblings out in the hallway as the doctors explained the situation. She felt like she would suffocate if she stayed trapped in this bed any longer. 

Everything’s fine. Everything’s fine, everything’s fine—

Her brain’s chants were paused by her screeching sobs as her eyes squeezed shut, bile creeping up her throat despite her attempts to swallow. Her throat was dry, and each choking gulp felt like shards of glass that sliced through her esophagus, all the way down to her stomach. She couldn’t fucking breathe. 

She heard the heart rate monitor increase in beeps beside her as she wailed, a few nurses urgently reentering the room to try and calm her down. She felt like her throat was bleeding with each shout of her daughter’s name. 

Mya was dead, and she desperately wanted to join her, souls entangled for eternity. 

Three days passed. Abby hated the world. 

Her and her husband sat in his parked car in front of their home, staring straight ahead as rain poured from the sky. 

They said nothing to each other; they hadn’t even looked in each other’s direction since they left the hospital. 

Abby felt tears jerk in her dry, lifeless eyes, allowing them to stream down her face, matching the pace of the heavy droplets that hit the window. She thought that she was hallucinating; She could almost hear her daughter’s cheerful laugh coming from outside.

She slowly turned her head towards their home, and bile rose her throat at the sight of her daughter’s discarded, pink tricycle that lay flat on the porch. She hadn’t touched it in a while, thanks to her new bike. 

She opened the passenger door and threw up on the side of the road as her husband sobbed next to her. 

She wanted to die and, deep in her empty gut, she knew he desired the same. 

Abby looked in the mirror of her parent’s guest room, completely still.

She was draped in all black from head to toe, wearing her daughter’s black bow at the end of her braid. She regretted putting on makeup; her mascara was already streaming down her face in wet, black lines. 

Her under eyes were dark and her vessels were busted from crying for a week and a half straight. She doesn’t remember the last time she slept or eaten, and she didn’t want to. Every dream she had was filled with her daughter’s laughter, and she couldn’t stomach anything thinking about the angelic sound. 

Her husband stood in the doorframe, just as visibly destroyed as she was. Just as lifeless. 

They exchanged looks, but neither said a word. They hadn’t spoken to each other in days. Abby had nothing to say to him. 

He was the reason they were burying their daughter, and she despised him for it. The mourning she felt for her child was stronger than her love for him, and she didn’t care how selfish it was. 

The rain was beating down on the black umbrella that draped over Abby’s sobbing, hunched form, her nails digging into the sopping dirt and tearing at the grass. Her mother’s dress was covered in wet stains. 

Her wails and pleas for her child back were painful and loud: she felt caressing hands on her back, and it took everything not to slap them away. 

She didn’t need fucking comfort! She needed her daughter! Her precious, innocent, darling daughter, Mya. She would’ve given anything—given her life up for her baby. She deserved to live, to see the ocean, to become the mermaid she always wanted to be. She hated her fucking husband. 

The sight of her daughter’s casket being lowered into the ground felt like a sharp blade in her chest. Her father and husband had to drag her from the ground and to her feet despite her desperate shouts to join Mya in the dirt. 

When she was placed in her parent’s backseat, she clutched the passenger headrest in front of her to center herself. Her nails tore through the leather as she hyperventilated, small whimpers of her daughter’s name leaving her mouth. She felt like she would vomit again. 

The car was filled with her family’s cries as the clouds poured their sorrow onto the car. 

Abby quietly prayed to herself as her distraught mother drove them all back home, hoping that her daughter’s spirit would grow to be as large as the sea. 

Just like she always wanted. 

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grief fucking sucks lol

this was heavy 4 me. i love yall

taggie waggies :3 @ohlawdthebirds @fibrogirlie @unangelic-thoughts @chrry1ovr @uraesthete @gravygranules @digit4lslut @machetegirl109 @letsreadsomesins-shallwe @macaroni676 @sillygooselit @nil-eena @elliesgirlll @hi2647 @fr0thycoffee @mai5mai @sweet-lover-girl

prologue. part one. part two. part three. part four.

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[darkanddirtyknb]

Personal Update

Hello, my beautiful like-minded creatures in the flesh,

It’s been a while since I gave an update, and I thought one was long overdue. If I’m wrong about this and you don’t care to read about my personal life (I really don’t blame you), please go on about your day. I hope it’s a great one! If you are interested, I will clue you into what’s been happening.

As usual, I have already had many medical appointments this year and many more to come. I had a procedure done on my right shoulder last month (happy July, by the way!) to see if we can get a steroid concoction to help me. If it doesn’t (it’s been touch and go so far), I will need to have a different, more painful procedure done. I’m still playing around with medication, trying new things, getting new side effects, and finding out that my body is pretty much anti-all pills. It’s super frustrating, to be honest. I’m all for being clean, and I think that less is usually best, but in my case, I’m getting no relief anywhere. I’m not sleeping. The brain fog is worse than ever, my memory is awful, joint pain, neuropathy, and muscle fatigue are worse, etc… All in all, the physical stuff is different in a few ways, but pretty much the same.

However, I’ve been in a down spell with my mental health. The depression lately has been impressive, really. I work hard daily to stay positive and keep my head above water, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t back-breaking work. That alone makes it hard to be productive, but I’m forcing myself to do things—it’s unfortunate because writing hasn’t been one of them. I want to, and the urge is there, but my memory and ability to form sentences are making it extremely hard, and writing seems impossible right now. Even writing this has been a journey and not a good one. Very bad, in fact. Think boggy marsh full of mosquitoes, mud-filled shoes, and sweltering, humid heat. I’m working hard to get out of the swamp and onto a tropical island, but until then, this is where I’m at—overrun by anxiety, depression, and medical hang-ups. I’m working with my therapist, though. Soon, I will be starting EMDR. That should be fun. I’ve been touching on a lot of trauma lately, so hopefully unlocking all of it and putting it in the right place will help me move forward.

There’s more, but I think you’re all smart cookies, and you got the gist of things. This update has become long enough. I hope that you’re all doing well by staying happy, healthy, and living life to its fullest! I mean that. Truly. I care about all of you, even if we don’t talk much or at all in some cases.

Take care and be safe. The world is as terrifying as it is beautiful right now.

With all my love, Kai (your local disturbed homo)

[klutzymaiden123]

Hi!!! Ok...just had to ask. I've reread your fanfic too many times to count. And I've had the same recurring thought but never thought to ask you. I was wondering if Helga would eventually...revisit dance..? Sorry if it's a silly question, I just had to ask because for some reason her scene with Chloe stuck with me each time I reread and my thoughts kept drifting back to it. Also, hope you're doing well!! 🪼

Hey there! No, not a silly question at all! I’m actually really happy that you noticed this!

So dance is a massive theme for Helga. This was inspired by a random memory I had from the show where Helga was revealed to have practised ballet.

I myself have always loved dancing so I decided to take it and run with it.

Dancing is a way to represent Helga’s relationship to herself. It is something that she enjoys and is very good at, but it takes a level of vulnerability to dance in front of people. And as we know, Helga is not good with sharing her perceived vulnerabilities, as she fears being seen as weak and not being taken seriously.

In my story, Helga has spent years on her own, barricaded within her own walls. She has internalised that her worth is derived from her talent, from her ability to wow people. But she does not believe that she has either of those, so she refuses to start up anything new because, what’s the point?  There would always be someone better than her. There would always be an Olga, someone more unique, seamless and naturally gifted. So she holds herself back from exploring anything that may have potentially intrigued her to protect herself from failing in front of people. But people need to explore, they need to fail and they need to make mistakes. This is what creates our stories, our history. So Helga holding herself back comes at the consequence of her really developing her identity. What is an identity, if not your experiences? She has held herself back from starting her story so she will not look foolish. She doesn’t want to look anything. Her parents ignore her so it is only normal and expected that everyone else would.

But dancing has been her way of keeping in touch with her own body. Because it is free moving and ever flowing. Dancing genuinely can really improve your mental health and has been proven to be especially beneficial for people with depression and/or anxiety, since it requires for you to get out of your head. It overrides your thinking through overwhelming your senses. This is why it is so common for religious groups to incorporate dancing into their practises. The movement induces a meditative state where, because you’re not thinking as much, it is easier for the divine to reach you! You’re forced out from your mind and to exist within your physical reality. No other.

And also, its just fun.

So with that all being said, dance is an incredibly rare activity that has allowed for Helga to get completely out of her mind. No longer is she the loser failure girl with a perfect sister, parents who don’t care, and a crush who has forgotten about her over the years. She’s not even really Helga; she’s just free and having fun. Dancing challenges her to let herself go, which she frequently does when she is feeling overwhelmed and doesn’t know what to do. This has become her survival tactic over the years.

Dance is an art form that encourages people to get back in touch with their body, their sense of self. You’re no longer bound by the social conditions that we’ve created, and the worry of looking stupid in front of people. You’re forced to drop all forms of social awkwardness so you can express your deepest sense of self. And because you’re so within it, often, its not about being received well by other people, but how it feels to you to unlock that hidden part of yourself.

That’s why Helga needs it. She may be an amazing writer and possess an impressive vocabulary, but she still struggles to communicate her feelings. Dancing has been a good way for her to unleash her feelings when her words have failed her. And she still has so much to say, but no idea how to say it. She’s a girl who desperately still feels uncomfortable with her own identity. She is constantly berating herself for looking weak, or not competent. She rejects aspects of herself in fear of people looking down on her and eventually abandoning her. But when she dances, it is the one time where she doesn’t have to adhere to these structures.

She can let go.

Ironically, despite fearing that people will think that she is foolish and ugly, she is her most beautiful when she is dancing. Because releasing herself from her conditioned conformity, allows Helga to express an energy that is captivating for people to watch.

So yes, she will eventually get to a point where revisits dancing. It will not be ballet like in the show as it’s important that it’s a dance form that forces her to let loose from structured confinement (respectfully, ballerinas. Your dance form is gorgeous). Her looking forward to joining the dance team (chp. 18) is a significant change as, until now, Helga had designated herself to an early death. She had never stretched her thinking and planning further then the apocalypse, because had truly believed that if it didn’t kill her, then something else would before she even made it to the apocalypse.

It was a continuation of her self–dismissal, as she had never perceived a future for herself even prior to becoming Blue Jay. She felt so uncomfortable with herself that she didn’t know what to do and had sorta designated herself to a random corner in the world where she wouldn’t take up much space, wouldn’t get in people’s way, and continue living in the shadows.

Her excitement marks her first rebellion to this fate. She wants to dance. She’s planning beyond the apocalypse. She is finally letting herself go from her tragical fate as she wants to dance so much that she’s willing to do it in public. It is a rare time where she’s willing to bypass her rules about looking stupid because it would make her happy. So though she will not join the team until the apocalypse is well and truly over, there will be times where she is so overrun with her own feelings that she begins to dance, regardless if anyone is watching. Which is remarkable, because it signifies the distance that is growing between who Helga believed she had to be, and who she truly is.

And if you're interested in supporting me? You can buy me a coffee!

🦋◽️🦋◽️🦋◽️🦋◽️🦋◽️🦋◽️🦋◽️🦋◽️🦋

And here you can read my story!

[pristmaticrosevein]

Prismatic Rose AU (RWBY)

The poll chain is getting a little long and convoluted, so I created a new blog to hold everything.

The polls won't be a single answer. Instead I'll try to work all of the answers together, based off the number of votes each answer gets. If I can, of course.

Aura is present, but is more like DBZ power levels than how it functions in RWBY. A shot to the heart will be as fatal to a Human Huntsman as it would be to anyone else.

Firearms are regular firearms. Dust is instead used to craft weapons, like is alluded to by Ironwood, but never actually seen in the story.

Conclusions:

Jaune Arc

Humble Everydude

Jaune picks up a Broken Sword, his power repairs his sword, can generate a shield, and armour.

When depressed or in a deep fury his sword stays broken, and his armour is rusted. He is nearly invincible, but lacks any real control.

When happy, he literally glows from the light he emits.

Later learns to use and even combine both.

Attacked by Grimm, saved by Ruby. The Grimm was a Gryphon and a number of Beowulves.

Genre: Dark Souls

Ruby Rose

Werewolf: She learns to control her Human / Wolf forms.

Eventually unlocks a middle Wolfen form.

Silver Eyes: Her silver eyes are part of her Werewolf curse, from her connection to the moon. Eventually allows her to dispel darkness and inflict Lunacy.

Strongly dislikes bright sunlight, finding it oppressive. Will hide under her red hood in bright daylight.

Dislikes sitting around and doing nothing. As she learns to open up to her friends, hanging with them counts as doing something.

Dame Sister of the Order of the Sanguine Rose. Still a Novice, (no oath), but she was a Squire, and got her Accolade because of being a natural when fighting the forces of darkness.

Werewolves are normally turned over to the Church. Faith in God is the best way to gain control of their powers. Others can do so by living with wolf packs in the wilds, though they are rarely trusted.

Regeneration: Turned off with Silver, Fire, and direct sunlight. Indirect sunlight dims it. She's mostly fine in her cloak and hood, but better a night.

Extremely high metabolism. She can get blood thirsty if she doesn't eat, but sugar works extremely well. I.e. cookies are MANDATORY.

Pain causes her rage to ignite.

Shield of Faith and Miracle Die: 40K SoB reference. I'll explain if anyone asks.

Powered armour powered by prismatic energies. Summoned with transformation sequence. The catalyst for the transformation is a crescent moon broach with a deep red ruby.

Any equipment she holds while transforming gets turned into a magical girl version of it, like Ghost Rider.

Her scythe, Lunamaria, is made with a steel edge, and an iron blade inlaid with mythril and quicksilver. This allows her to defeat most dark foes without calling upon her moonfallen abilities.

Her Bolt Pistol, Lunalapina, uses custom made rounds, (made a lot easier with Dust forging equipment). She owns rounds customized to fight most dark things. Once converted, her mag changes use her prismatic energy to refill them. Think similar to Dante, but she still has to reload.

She can do something similar to Petal Burst while transformed, except more prismatic.

She can do a less conspicuous long-range teleportation that is guided by her faith, i.e. it cannot be used arbitrarily.

Pyrrha Nikos

A literal angel.

Angels are forbidden from most direct interventions. The exception is for the Creatures of Grimm, or other nefarious beings.

Angels can only whisper into your ear. Devils have the same restriction, but are not known for being good at following rules.

Often the intervention of angels will be perceived, (by the imperceptive), as luck. Others might see them in dreams.

Angels can only directly interact with people who have enough spiritual strength to fully perceive them.

She brought Ruby to save Jaune.

Weiss Schnee

Boreal Elf

Went to Thule University.

Major in Spellcrafting, the most difficult discipline that actually crafts new spells.

Magic affinities are Water, Wind, and Light.

Equipped with the mystical rapier Myrtenaster.

Can summon a Auroran Horse or a Kelpie. Auroran Horses work like Ruin from Darksiders, but made from light that blends into the darkness. Kelpies are water fey horses that are known for their... ill temperament. Will often act out against those that Weiss is irate with. Thoroughly enjoys chewing on Jaune's hair.

Minors in Fey summoning and economics.

Her main Fey summons are a Pixie, Will'o'Wisp, Banshee, and female Dullahan.

Her pixie is mischievous, much to Weiss' vexation. But, she'll only have fun with those Weiss holds dear. Otherwise, they might simply get lost in the woods.

Will'o'Wisps are incorporeal, and bear the water, wind, and light elements that Weiss is so wonderful with.

For those that don't know their Fey, Banshees are actually extremely loyal to their households. They are washer maids, and the wail is because their beloved family member is going to die. Her powers are water-based, along with a wail that can be modified to work in a wide variety of ways. He touch can chill, and her voice carries the wind.

Her Dullahan carries a great sword with a fluted tip in one hand, and can summon an Auroran horse to ride.

Her Dullahan is Nora, whom largely represents Weiss' desire to not have impulse control and selfishness. Naturally, they clash quite a big.

Her Pixie is Leanan Ren, a Leanan Sidhe. She largely represents Weiss's exceptionalism and selflessness. Her mistress, and her mistress' friends call her "Leeann."

When Leeann and Nora agree, and can convince Weiss, typically leads to epic bouts of violence.

Blake Belladonna

Nekomata (cat Youkai that can take Human form; known for being especially amorous).

Has Changeling blood, but must soon return to her original form.

The only form she is truly comfortable in is that of a black cat, or a black catgirl.

Can become amorphous, and crawl through the shadows, or strike out from them as tendrils. Learns to master greater abilities, think Shadow from DMC.

Class is Ninja, which is basically a Rogue with low-level magic.

Her Youkai blood provides basic shapeshifting. Her distant Changeling blood provides more advanced, though less stable shape shifting. Her Ninja abilities allow her to blend into shadow, briefly become intangible, or leave behind figments of her presence.

Yang Xiao Long

Dragon-blooded, from a Storm Dragon. Got it from Tai's side.

Appears Human.

Can learn to summon dragon features, such as claws, wings, scales, or a tail.

Can eventually learn to transform into a Storm Dragon, though she normally needs a LOT of rage to do so.

Her rage allows her to basically turn Super Saiyan. Which is basically just Yang's regular Semblance, but attached to someone as powerful as Vegeta.

Class is Stormclash Monk. Combines Monk with Bloodrager, with Storm-based spellcaster.

Weapons: Gauntlets, a stone sling, and an Iron Club. She can use all three as a catalyst for her lightning powers, and all count as monk weapons.

Ilia Amitola

Rainbow slime.

Before anyone, including her, knew that she was a sentient lifeform, Jaune finds her on the street and takes care of her.

After watching Jaune fail to flirt with Weiss, she realized she could adopt a Human-like form.

Despite attempts by Blake to convince her otherwise, she sees nothing wrong with being Jaune's pet. He has always taken such good care of her.

She is vexed that she is no longer allowed to sleep with her master. However, he hasn't shown any problem about napping with him if she does so in blob form.

Once Jaune unlocks his grandfather's broken sword, she quite insistently goes with him. He will comply if she does so in blob form, sitting on his shoulder, (and refusing to leave).

Ilia's main abilities are physical transformations, (think Kirby). This means she tends to transform into Jaune's weapons, particularily a rainbow wrecking ball.

She can also extend spikes are enemies trying to strike Jaune from outside his field of vision. He gets used to it to the point if she barely does something similar, he knows he needs to look in that direction.

A third main form is turning into a boulder that Jaune throws (rolls) at enemies.

She has low-level elemental abilities. Not as suitable for combat, but allows her to turn into a bbq.

Transforms into Jaune's left pauldron during combat.

Penny Polendina

Golem with the soul of Pietro's daughter attached. He was legitimately trying to save his daughter, though the means are not exactly generally accepted. Only Dwarves know how to do this, and most of them would completely refuse to do so.

All mana channels and ley chambres are internal.

Penny is an Artificer with a minor in Battle Augur. She can create animated combatants. She has a small host of magic abilities, but only learns attack spells through observation. Other than Magic Missile, but since Battle Augurs are basically Megaman, it's through an arm cannon.

Creates an army of myrmidons, (magic robots), along with tiny, fairy versions of them.

General James Ironwood

Known as the "King of Mantle" by Humans in almost seriousness, and affectionately by Dwarves as the "Mantle Piece".

As a General, he was given leave to seek out the Dwarves of Mountain Mantle. He succeeded, and this close relationship is what created modernity. Along with the Schnee Dust Company, (managed by Elves, with the mining done by Dwarves).

The bulk of his forces are Atlasian Dampjager, steam Dwarves. They are smaller and lighter, but fantastically stronger and more robust than adult Humans.

These are augmented by Atlasian Dampdragens, carbinemen riding Steam Destriers, Damp'hest Also known as D-tross. They are as strong as as a truck, and can cover terrain like a horse.

Avoided Soul-Bound Golems because of the inherent ethics, until the creation of Penny Polendina. Now, it is offered to soldiers who are dying or otherwise crippled. Kind of like Dreadnoughts from 40k.

Army uses D-tross-towed artillery.

Has two primary chicken walkers, the Cockatrix and Basilix. The Basilix isn't larger, but is more robust and heavily armoured. The Cockatrix is lighter, more mobile, and has limited hover capabilities.

Dwarves

Because you voted for my Dwarves from Ingir, so, how they work with the Prismatic Rose AU, and the technological development of the world. Need to do a poll on tech first.

Dwarves worked through the early steam era and went onto nuclear, which is still technically steam power. It was Humans, specifically Ironwood that developed the steam generator technology that made it actually useful.

They largely live underground now, not because they especially like it underground, but because their holds were always dug into cliff faces, and like everyone else, they spend most of their time in \doors, nowadays.

Dwarves don't view necromancy as inherently evil, but instead view it through the voluntary/involuntary lens.

This means that they have no problem with soul-bound golems, as long as the volunteer is willing.

Necromancy is also used to bring an ancestor's ghost for ongoing legal disputes. Ironwood earned the respect of all of the Dwarven tribes of Mountain Mantle because he manages to stay impartial for these disputes. He simply had to put aside his squeamishness about necromancy.

Moonfallen

Creatures that have fallen to darkness in the shadow of the moon. The moon reflects light from the sun, and as such is both the basis of the power of the dark creatures, and their bane. The shattered moon remnant of the disaster that created them.

Angel, Fallen

Fey, Unseelie (also Fallen)

Liches

Necromancers

Skeletons

Succubus/Incubus

Vampire

Werewolf

Witch, Black

Creatures of Grimm

Creatures of shadow and enmity.

As enmity builds in an area, a Grimm Fragment is created. This is not visible to those without Shadowsight.

If enough enmity is unleashed at the same time, a Grimm Fragment can be boosted into a full-fledged Grimm.

More commonly, nefarious beings use the Fragments to create Creatures of Grimm to do their bidding, (hopefully).

Some less than ethnical magic users can try to use this as a power source. It can work, or it can create a Creature of Grimm.

When a Creature of Grimm is spotted, it triggers an investigation.

Huntsmen and Huntresses

Those licensed to hunt Creatures of Grimm and/or Moonfallen.

Some are lone vagabonds, others join fraternities or orders-militant.

While fraternities and orders normally have their own rules of conduct, without them Huntsmen are defacto, and often dejure, immune to all by the most heinous of laws.

This is both out of privilege, and out of practicality. On one hand, you want the Huntsman hunting. On the other, trying to bring a Huntsman to trial, unwillingly, is a harrowing ordeal for everyone involved. The Church's Inquisition typically handles rogue Huntsmen.

Because of this, disreputable Huntsmen will often be shunned by most of society.

(CLOSED)

[roseate-felidae]

Cats are liquid game by last quarter studios

It is a free mobile platform game.

They have a tumblr @catsareliquidgame

So the game is a platform story game. You play as Lumi, a female cat in the rough shape of a ball, that has ears, a tail, a happy blue cat face. She can turn into liquid and gains other abilities later. These include a flying gas form, a cube that can turn off dangerous barriers and an explosive to break down other specific barriers.

The game narrates you throughout each level. Sometimes your own thoughts and sometimes someone else talking to you.

Anything orange can hurt or kill you. You have three lives. Lumi is aware of this. Lumi also glows in the dark levels.

The first game (a light in the shadows or ALitS) is her, on her own, navigating the levels desperately trying to leave.

The second game (a better place or ABP) has her and three friends (one sad, one neutral and one angry, represented by corresponding colours). They each have their own abilities and try to help Lumi with her mental health.

Below the cut is some lore

I shall start with the second game (a better place or ABP). This is actually a Prequel, which I will explain after.

Lumi fights off her depression with the help of her three friends. Later her friends do not leave the platform place like they should have. As they were "fixed". This leads them to start to loose themselves and die. Before dying they give a peice of themselves to Lumi.

The first (green) makes her turn green when she uses an ability. The second (red) turns her red when she gets hurt. The last turns her blue when she uses her water ability.

Blue friend dying and Lumi's water form change after this. Before it was white.

Red friend dying and Lumi's colour change when hurt. Before, it flicked white and transparent. Now its red.

In the end she cannot save anyone. She decides to make a new world in which no-one can ever leave. This is titled "a light in the shadows".

A light in the shadows (ALitS) was the first game. It is about Lumi learning about the dangers of orange objects and abilities. We learn she is here to escape from the deaths of someone. That is because she knows you respawn here. But she desperately wants to leave this place. Strangely, when she reaches the end, she decides that she wants to stay and resets the game by dying.

Most likely, she keeps trying to leave and then resets it at the end. This would erase her knowledge, explaining how she does not know about the fundamentals about the game, despite knowing it in ABP. Making her trapped in an endless loop.

The evidence for ABP being a prequel includes: the end level name being the same as the first games name (a light in the darkness), her changing colours with water form, and injury. The death she is escaping could refer to her friends. No-one else is mentioned. In ABP she also says to keep smiling. This may explain why her expression never changes when hurt, unlike in ABP.

Screenshot above shows her water form is Blue. Not white.

A character apparently found in every level of A light in the darkness is a purple cat with no face. We don't know who they are. Apparently, they are always watching. They are slightly transparent.

The purple one also created the cube. The cube is controlled by the cat (by using some of her lifeforce) to travel over the orange areas and press buttons. These unlock barriers. If the timer runs out before Lumi reabsorbs it, Lumi will die. In "Companion" levels in ALitS, it is explained that the cube is sentient, and its purpose is to make Lumi feel emotions again. They hope its to help her. They are hurt by purple colours.

According to the reset levels in ALitaS, Lumi was locked in this place by her owner. The owner started acting weirdly and said she reminded him of someone. Lumi cannot remember who though.

[sarcophagid]

Do you have any relationship hcs for Ithaqua?

i don't rlly do relationship stuff but i'll try and take a crack at it 🤔

i think ithaqua has a bit of an internal conflict between love (life) and apathy (death). to be human is to love, but after the attack, this was deadened, both for him and his mother. his memory issues are an extension of this theme, he loses the memories from when he was loved. in the manor, ithaqua doesn't play the primarily love-motivated role that he did in the forest, it's an aimless force.

anyways. it's probably easier to be friends than lovers although neither feat is really easy (i think it's mostly bc what kind of expectations are in a romantic relationship that make it different for him). by the time he gets to the manor he's anywhere from jaded to depressed to paranoid. also i like him as a character but as a person? i gotta take the rose tinted glasses off - he's not very likeable, at least not as nightwatch. and the catch 22 is if you don't like each other then you aren't getting anything but nightwatch anyways.

capital letters Night Watch is a persona and a means to an end. he doesn't believe everything he says or does under that label, as long as it keeps people out of his business. but lets assume the stars aligned etc. and he actually is close with people, platonic or otherwise. in that case he's comfortable enough to unmask (haha. not literally though. you need 30 points to unlock that 😔).

^ when he's relaxed he's significantly less serious. i think he tries to have a sarcastic sense of humour (keyword 'tries'). he's also the type of person tell an obvious untruth and wait for someone to go 'wait really?' so he can say that he made it up. it's incredibly annoying but robbie thinks hes hilarious (time honoured older brother tradition of recreational lying).

^ he doesn't really know how to comfort people and it eats him up so bad because guess what this feeling of helplessness in the face of a loved ones pain reminds him of? he tries to make up for that with the magnitude of his aimless effort and often fruitless attempts to enact retribution on the problem itself.

ithaqua's not the type of person to fall in love at first sight. he doesn't hang out with people with the express intent to form a romantic relationship either. if he likes someone, they'll usually have to be close friends first. that being said, i think he has trouble discerning between 'do i like like them or is our friendship just reaching a new level'.

improbability aside, theoretically if ithaqua really did have a crush on someone, i think he would want to be nice and romantic etc because this is some of the first non-hateful human contact he's had in years and he's scared something will happen Again and he'll go back to being Alone.

and while he's not completely clueless on how romance works, i feel like what he knows is pretty limited to social stereotype (chocolate and roses?? where do you even find that in oletus manor.) and fairytale kinda stuff he gleans from books he read as a kid. so he's a little lost. this is where i think he's kind of awkward and weird because he's not sure how he's supposed to act. he knows how to act to be the night watch, and he mostly forgot how he used to act when he was 'human'; but neither of those are how he 'really' is in the present. lets work on ourselves first maybe...