#needed a little mental health break from social media for a few days

[charonyx]

BWAH! The weeks over and I'm trying to not get spoiled on the new stuff in Book 7. But!

Before I start watching the 2nd part of Chapter 12 I gotta give some love to my boy Cater. No spoilers for Book 7, just that at some point we do get to see Cater and man. Through his vignettes and stuff we see in the main story I forget how much I love Cater. With all the Magicam memes and stuff, I forget how cool Cater really is.

The way he interacts with other 3rd years is so nice to see. Like, yeah he's careful with people who are likely to start conflicts, but he also isn't a pushover. He can hold his own and be a reliable senpai~ when he wants to be. Although, thinking of that, I do wonder if he regrets from time to time that he didn't do more for his freshies in Chapter 1. I don't know.

Anyways! Cater's great, love Cater. Hearing his voice again and his fun energy really brings a smile to my face. He can be energetic and fun but also has social awareness to know when something serious is going down so he combats it with cheeriness to bring the mood back up or he thinks of some other way.

So! Happy Belated Birthday Cater! So excited to see the rest of Chapter 12 and your involvement as well as the others.

[icewindandboringhorror]

I was just thinking what a cool job this might be.. what if you were just the person who makes little still images of cute animal figurines doing various activities to post on social media...? like.. show up to work and just spend the whole day like "hmm... this table should be placed to the left a little.. let me set this miniature bagel down in this way... this tiny rabbit should be wearing a scarf", setting the backgrounds, the lighting, etc. ... dream job perhaps lol...

[skelliko]

★- Tokyo revengers

- reacting to you distancing yourself due to mental health without a warning

๑-featuring: kazutora, chifuyu, Baji

 ♡--- I didn't mean to make kazutora's longer than the others but oh well 🏃🏻‍♀️ doesn't help that he's a little 'toxic' too but it's okay we love kazutora

°- kazutora hanemiya

• boy needs to hear from you all the time (not every minute or hour but just enough to know you still love him) so being distant for a small break from reality is hardly a good option

•though if he ignores your messages it's okay, but if it's the other way then it's a big no no for him

• however if you do manage to not respond to his messages the whole day he'd go through waves of emotions and overthink everything

• he doesn't want to admit it nor will he ever but kazutora is very emotional

• he wouldn't spam your messages since he doesn't want to be perceived as needy or too clingy but he does try to send a few messages and wait it out to see how long you'd respond, in which you didn't

• he saw you active on other social media platforms which hurt him even more

• he'd call you once before dropping it and start to play back recent encounters and conversations to see where either he or you went wrong but couldn't find anything that he'd find wrong about himself so he'd blame you even though he couldn't find any bad reason about you either

• he would do the same to you as karma, however instead of a day it'd be two days

• 'if you go low, I go lower'

• he'd ignore you in any possible way and despite his clinginess he's actually pretty good at the silent treatment,

• in public he'd walk past you without a glance and had your messages and calls on mute but he would still check his socials to see if you did message, he Just wouldn't open them

• once he finally stopped ignoring you he pressed on your contacts to see what you had to say and it took him a good minute for your reason to click in causing his heart to drop, it full on sank to the pits of earth

• reading your message about your mental health and how you needed time for yourself for a little while made him feel a little selfish for feeling better about why you were isolating yourself from him (you isolated yourself from everyone not just him tho)

• however he then soon grew a little mad for not giving him a heads up, he could have understood and even try to help you in any way he would let himself to

• he'd unintentionally make you feel guilty, if anything it'd almost seem like he was trying to make you feel guilty for it but his questions were honest

• "why didn't you tell me you were in a mad mood instead of ignoring me? I could have helped you, you made me think I did something bad" / "did you not trust me enough?"

• for all this to be sorted out of course you guys met up and talked it out, you gave him your reasonings and in the end all was forgiven (not entirely on kazutora's part but you didn't know)

• "don't do that again, tell me how you feel, tell me your thoughts and I'll listen, don't shut me out like that again"

• at the end of it all he finally accepted it and showed his clinginess and would cling to you till he left, holding you close to him by linking arms or him having an arm around your shoulders and he wouldn't let go at all

• he'd tell you things that he wanted to say for the past 3 days of you both being apart

• deep down he slowly took your situation into heart and felt bad for ignoring you for two days and pleaded for your forgiveness

°- chifuyu matsuno

• he'd notice immediately if something was off even if it's on text

• he knows you're ignoring him since he also sees you being active on other socials but he doesn't know why and that's what's annoying him,

• he may or may not have (definitely has) flicked through his romance manga to try and understand you even without a clear direction

• he'd give you space but would occasionally message and even try and call you but made sure not to spam you

• "hey are you okay?" "do you wanna talk?" "if you need some space I'll give you some but please let me know if your okay or if I did something bad"

• poor boy would be stressing and try to ignore the small situation by riding his motorbike or hanging out with his friends but you'd be out of his mind and then back in after just 5 minutes,

• he debated on going to your door and see you in person but wasn't sure if that was the way to go, he told his friends about the little situation and they were all suggesting different things and half of them weren't even good advice so he didn't do anything

• despite the ignoring and isolation on your part he still sent a 'good night <3' text in hopes of maybe then you'd reply

• it took longer for him to fall asleep than usual

• in the morning he woke up and the first thing he had on his mind was you, immediately checking his phone for your notification

• the second he checked his phone and saw your notifications he hesitated slightly in opening them, his heart was beating rapidly and he was nervous as to see what you'd say, hoping that you weren't mad at him

• though when he saw your reasoning and your apology for ignoring him he understood very well but he also mentally kicked himself for not going to you in person because maybe he could have helped

• he'd make sure and ask if you're okay and would even come to you in person even if he did wake up not that long ago

• he'd listen to your words carefully and keep you close to him, his warmth was definitely something you missed in your short isolation. even if it were for a day and even if you both wouldn't have met up, his warmth was certainly needed and appreciated in this moment.

• he'd ask you what you did in your time out of curiosity and if you're feeling better than before, and if not then he'd make sure to make you feel better by staying close to you and keeping you company

°- Baji Keisuke

• it would take half of the day to notice your quietness before he got concerned by it

• he'd send you a message and brush it off if you haven't seen it immediately or even after an hour thinking you're still asleep or busy but as the time went on by and more of his messages got unanswered he worried

• he'd be out with his gang and check his phone almost every minute for you, which certainly wouldn't go unnoticed by his friends

• he'd think that he did something wrong for you to ignore him and he'd be deep in thought whilst scrolling through your past messages and photos trying to remember any missing detail that he missed that could have caused this

• once his friends pointed that out to him Baji got up and left "I have to go"

• if he wouldn't have left then he might have punched a random person in the face to let loose a little from the nervous thoughts in his mind

• he would without a warning show up by your door and the first thing he'll say is "why are you ignoring me?"

• he wouldn't say it harshly but a bit more casually and curiously, though he was a bit hurt by it as well and tried to hide that

• you had your quietness for half of the day

• though after a longer look at your current state and expression you didn't even need to say anything for him to understand and he took you into a hug that you accepted very quickly

• "you shouldn't have to hide away like this"

• Baji would make you tell him what happened and how you feel while keeping you close to him and running his fingers through your hair

• he'd be understanding of it but would make sure that you could always go to him

• "promise me you won't ignore me like that again" he'd lowly and softly say

• he'd stay with you for the rest of the day in each others arms

☆ ----

[rigormortissettingin]

how to get perfect grades from a short attention span girlie that nobody asked for

when you get home from school, rewrite all your notes from all the important classes that day (if you’re a british slag like me then just do all your gcse subjects)

learn how to do deep work: work for a really long period of time with barely any breaks where you don’t get distracted and get shit done — having noice cancelling headphones whilst listening to white noise etc works best for me

don’t let anything distract you, put your phone away in another room, etc

if you can’t concentrate, before your revision sesh, stare at a still object for 1 min to help with your focus

have a schedule/a weekly routine!!! i know you’re lazy and have been avoiding making one so here’s my routine: on school days I rewrite all my notes from the classes (that you care about) that day and do some homework then leave the rest for the weekends

mindset is EVERYTHING. be positive about everything in your life and stop being a pessimistic bitch. everything will be okay. jeez.

for music, find a few white noise/focus music playlists and listen to them with noise cancelling headphones for most intense focus (linking my fav spotify playlists below)

write everything out by hand. don’t be lazy you dumb fucker and type everything up on quizlet. quizlet is bullshit and you know it. it’s been scientifically proven that writing things out help you remember them better

go over things early in the morning and late at night (quickly proven to stick in your brain more)

find what works best for you. find your perfect environment, music, time of day to revise, method etc. i work best in my room after 4 pm by using flash cards I have written out by hand

don’t let food distract you!!! if you have snacks nearby but you’re eating them instead of working then put them away

have an app for revision. study bunny if my favourite one it’s so cute but it doesn’t distract me

holidays are a blessing. dedicate some time every day in the holidays for revision, even if it’s not a lot

have a good balance between school and other hobbies. i would say have a good social life but i honestly don’t think having one is that important. or at least it’s not important to me, but if you want a good social life then go for it

have goals for the future, like if you want to go to uni and where you want to go if you do, what field you want to specialise in, etc and work towards them

if you want to exceed in school then you have to make revision and academic excellence your coping mechanism or a safe haven to calm you down

reading books, especially literature helps so much with everything. not just your vocabulary but it also helps your understanding of the world and helps you see everything in a different light. and don’t give me that “but i do read” bullshit because tiktok smut twisted love twisted hate icebreaker all that crap that you’re not even old enough to read don’t count. my fav books if you need any recs: the virgin suicides (not literature, just well-written), the secret history (not literature, just well-written), girl, interrupted (again, well written but not literature), crime and punishment, carmilla, dracula, alice in wonderland, emma, pride and prejudice, sense and sensibility, much ado about nothing, a midsummer nights dream, rebecca, the outsiders, little, women and loads more

delete social media if it worsens your mental health or your grades. deleting tiktok has been the best decision of my entire life, i was so unhappy for so long because endlessly scrolling was a coping mechanism but now im actually happy for once in my life and my grades are quite good

pray like you didn’t revise and revise like you didn’t pray

i have to have a number 20 because odd numbers besides 13 and 7 annoy me

thank you

[wardingshout]

Since I didn't draw anything for like half of 2024 I did an updated colour wheel instead! featuring only the newest of stuff I could find that fit.

I have also compiled a dump of many thoughts I want out of my head, like a little text post dump I guess. the tldr I guess I will just make "thank you".

Putting the most important thing first here which is. Every single time I catch myself thinking "no I need to draw smth other than alttp" a couple of very specific tags and messages pop into my head and I get so fired up to draw more alttp !!! the power I feel from that!!!!!

IIIIII feel like there used to be a way to do linebreaks but I can't remember how so my new text bit divider is random crap I can find lying around in my files

Ok here goes me being dramatic about something that only matters to me but feels so very important to get out for the sake of others too. I guess the gist of it is that tumblr is a rly important place to me and I'm so endlessly grateful for people always being so nice. at the end of the day I don't think I really care about much else in life than drawing and getting to share it with others makes it a much less lonely experience for me. I mostly just for myself, but I'm so grateful for the extra joy associated with posting it online too.

I feel a bit bad I can never seem to give back the kind of nice energy you guys give me. despite how much joy this place brings me, I'm just a naturally anxious person and I often chicken out of doing things myself. I'm so endlessly happy that people still bear with me or at least stick around to look at my art.

thanks to people's kindness I often find myself breaking out of the anxiety and getting a lot closer to initiating stuff myself, but I always get run over by some kind of irl issue instead, usually mental, but recently also physical health. I had so much fun on here this summer especially and I was so certain that this was the time I would make it last only for irl stuff to yet again show up and knock me out completely. every time that happens I feel like I have to rebuild whatever social bravery I had aquired from the beginning again and at this rate I won't ever get anywhere.

after weeks of very few work days, I feel like I'm finally rebuilding the courage to post and the concentration to manage drawing at all. it's not a lot of progress but I can feel it growing. from tomorrow it's back to full time work with no other breaks in sight and I'm scared my groove will be cut short already... I like my job but I've acknowledged I just can't thrive with full time work. I can bear it fine though, but it doesn't leave energy for much else in life.

I think the point here is. I know it's just social media but I've had so many good experiences on here and they're really precious to me. I hope one day I can be well enough to be that kind of influence for others too. my activity with art and presence online has become surprisingly reflective of how well or bad I'm doing irl, so I never I never want to give up on become a more present person.

the most important thing is art though, so finding the courage to get back to posting even if it's all I do, makes me happy too. thank you so much to everyone else who posts are too. I'm endlessly excited about all the cool things I get to experience and see online, thank you!

it is absolutely absurd how many drafts I have of just very frustrated moments where literally all I type is "if I have to be sick one more time I will lose my absolute mind holy shit" and having just been sick again? really feeling that !!!! it's also like. frustrating to feel you're making progress mentally and then you constantly get knocked into bed by phsyical health instead like come on I'm finally learning how to get Out of that place... and then every time you get sick, routunes have to be rebuild all over after, it suuuuucks....

I finally got a PC which has been absolutely life saving, However. I am still drawing on tegaki only... I'm so excited I can get back to bigger works on csp but I've gotten so used to seeing only my tegaki stuff, I'm scared of how much I'll suddenly hate my art when I see it differently again... hating your own art is probably a feeling that will never disappear but even so. I think I'm at a pretty content place right now and I'm worried about shaking it up. I can't let something like that knock me down when I'm only finally getting back to drawing regularly again... I already copied over the palette for some comfort so hopefully I can find a brush that feels similar too! at least I'm super excited about getting to pick some more colours !

and a very belated tag game thing !! I completely lost the original post by now but it was from @lele5429 and I've had it in my drafts this whole time, so better late than never to fill it out!

Last song: Alt Hvad Jeg Vil by Von Quar

Fav colours: warm yellows or light oranges!

Last book: switching between Assassin's Quest and Our Wives Under The Sea!

Last movie: The Princess Bride I think?? it was long ago so I feel like I'm forgetting something else though...

Last tv show: my roomie and I binged Twin Peaks season 3 as well as most of True Detective over christmas break we went Ham

Sweet/spicy/savoury: sweet !!

Relationship status: not interested

Last thing I googled: "nosferatu rats"... I see.....

Current obsession: alttp auish shenanigans... this one has not changed since I first drafted my response to this... on one hand I feel like I'm just filling out the gaps between games, but on the other it's getting very close to full au stuff... I always wanted to draw comics but had no ideas and for the first time in my life I'm drowning in ideas and fully held back by fear and skills haha

Looking forward to: actually surprisingly nothing at all? I'm looking forward to whatever good times I can create for myself I guess. the last few things I was looking forward to didn't go so well, so maybe it's nice to have nothing but the most normal and boring daily life ahead haha

[azaharinflames]

Thankyou for making that post about not making assumptions about the cast. I wish fandom stopped parasocialling with them so much, it's so weird. Not only the Oliver stuff but that Lou is this poor little heartbroken uwu baby and how the whole cast were awful for not defending him (I've seen alot of "and no one stood up for him!!" posts too).

None of us know these people! What someone puts (or doesn't put) on their public instagram is worlds away from what they may (or may not) say or communicate in private.

And it's kind of depressing to assume the worst of them (any of the cast) rather than just that they're professionals doing their jobs.

Fandom in the last few days has been so much fun with the plot speculation, fics, memes and stuff. I find the criticism of the plots and the writing (and Tim to an extent in his role as showrunner) satisfying, but not to take that to the actors. For me, it's much more enjoyable (and better for my mental health) to have fun with our blorbos in our sandpit and keep the characters and actors separate.

Thanks for letting me vent!

Hi, Nonnie! Thank you for venting in my inbox!

Happy to let you vent, and sorry it took me this long to answer. I kinda promised myself I was going to have a small break from Tumblr this weekend after my last post, and only let myself reblog some. Back here again though!

Yeah, I think it's very important to draw a line and keep it there. If we need a permanent marker, so be it. I come from the Marvel and Glee fandom, and especially in the latter I saw a lot of wild shit. Including Darren Criss's wife having to go private across all social media because of the insane stuff she was unfairly accused of. Hell, when (spoiler) Blaine and Kurt broke up for a while, Darren had to post a goddamn letter to apologise, because he feared the worst. Like. Insane.

And I've been seeing the crazy here as well from the B*ddie fandom, and I stopped checking that hashtag (can't check it even for their friendship) because of how wild it was. We are nowhere near what they do, don't get me wrong. But just because of that, and because this has been, hands down, the nicest fandom I've ever been on, I don't want us crossing lines in a moment of anger or disappointment.

And it's hard to know when to say something, too, because I do feel like the feelings we were dealing with were entirely justified. But as you said, it's better if we keep focused on the show and the, frankly, bad writing they are doing this season.

And yeah, I'm annoyed at the behavior of some actors, but I understand your point. I won't lie and say I liked how no one said a thing about the harassment Lou received, but I also know better and I know it is quite possible they talked about it in real life, and it is very much none of our business.

At the end of the day, Lou has expressed multiple times he was very happy to be in the 911 set, and even in his latest interviews he doesn't contradict this. He's a grown man who deserved to see all the love that we have for him after endless months of harassments, yes. But I also think he's a grown man who knows what he's doing and what he wants.

Anyway. This was long, sorry haha.

If anyone wants to vent, rant, or express their opinions, my inbox is open❣️

[milkoomi]

₊˚⊹ ᰔ how i romanticize my life ᝰ.ᐟ

living life isn’t easy. this shit is HARD. just simply trying to get through a single day can be so draining, but it’s so important to give yourself a reason to keep moving forward in your life. one reason could be living for your own sake; living so that you, yourself, can feel happy and at peace. live for you. live and love for you.

disclaimer: my life isn’t perfect lmfao. i genuinely feel like my life is just at the point where it feels like it’s finally about to really start. i’m still in school, i work, and i quite honestly enjoy my days off by simply doing nothing. but there are some aspects of my life that i choose to romanticize, even if it’s something really small and simple. my life can be boring and lack luster sometimes, but i still try to make things even the slightest bit more interesting if i can (and if i even have the energy) !!

let’s begin !!

ᝰ.ᐟ creating a morning & night routine

most of my day consists of me attending class, studying, or clocking into work. luckily, i’m on winter break so i have a bit more free time, but since i work i still have most of my days consumed by my job. which makes it even more important to me that i create some kind of morning and night routine!!

having a routine (even if it’s only in the morning & evening) allows me to prepare myself mentally for the day or helps me unwind and relax after the day!

MORNINGS

up @ 7:30am - 8:00am, get out of bed immediately, morning stretches, drink a glass of water, make myself breakfast & coffee/tea, watch a few episodes of my fav show, skincare/morning hygiene routine/get dressed, and finally prepare my bag with all my essentials

EVENINGS

change out of work uniform/clothes i wore outside & put on house clothes (i have house clothes and sleeping clothes), eat dinner @ 5:30pm - 6:00pm (7:00pm - 7:30pm if it’s a late day), shower (i do an everything shower at least once a week, typically on fridays since that’s the end of my work week), dental hygiene, skincare & haircare, unwind in my bedroom (gaming or watching a show/youtube), and finally - about an hour before i sleep - i journal whether it’s finding a prompt to write about or just reflecting on how my day went! i’m usually heading to sleep around 9:30pm - 10:00pm!

ᝰ.ᐟ practicing self care

whether it’s doing my skincare, taking an everything shower, journaling, or simply saying affirmations to myself in the mirror, it’s really important for me to practice some kind of self care throughout my day!

everyone always talks about the importance of self care, and i’m just going to reiterate just how important it really is!

taking care of yourself, no matter how big or small the action is, is one of the major keys to finding happiness and peace within yourself and your life. i found that neglecting my own needs or myself in general just made me more miserable and made handling my own mental health a real struggle. i know that having mental health issues makes even just getting out bed the most difficult thing, but if you truly want to romanticize your life or just even feel an ounce better about yourself and your life you have to put in the work for yourself. it’s definitely easier said than done, but i promise that starting small will make the biggest difference ㅤ♡

side note: if you find yourself struggling, please reach out to your loved ones/your support system. i promise there are people who are more than willing to lend you a helping hand and be there for you when you really need someone. asking for help is always 1000% okay!

self care examples

skincare / haircare

playing your favorite video game(s)

drinking water

making a little snack or meal for yourself

watching a comfort show/movie

disconnecting from social media for a day (or however long you want to!)

talking with a friend/loved one (either through facetime or physically hanging out with them!)

journaling (if you need to let some emotions out, write it down!! or simply just writing about how your day is going or a big accomplishment you made or whatever!)

cleaning your room

going for a walk, going to the gym, doing some yoga (get yourself moving!)

breathing exercises / meditation

find a self care routine or self care tasks that work for you and make you feel good!!

ㅤᝰ.ᐟ taking myself out on dates

while i’m happily engaged to the love of my life, sometimes i need some alone time to just be with myself and enjoy time with myself, and that’s okay! i will say though, i do struggle with social anxiety and a few years ago it was really severe and it had gotten to a point where i couldn’t even run simple errands without the company of a loved one. but!! encouraging myself (and honestly almost forcing myself) to go places by myself helped me a lot.

solo dates have been so freeing for me! i personally get myself all done up and ready as if i were going on an actual date with my partner, and it makes my solo date experience 10x better! it helps me feel more confident when i go out and go on my little adventure and, for some reason i honestly can’t really explain, makes me feel more accomplished once my solo date is over!

solo date ideas

go to a café! maybe bring a book to read or something to journal with! i have an ipad so i’ll bring that with me because i can journal on there, watch a show, play some games, or (if i’m actively in school) i can study and write my notes!

movie theatre! i personally have not done this yet, but i have friends who have gone to the movies by themselves and they really enjoyed it!! &, if you get lucky, you could have a whole theatre to yourself!!

go to the mall! i LOVE taking myself on a solo mall date! i brought my headphones with me and i went to all of my favorite stores to browse around (or even treat myself to something if my paycheck hit hehe)! there’s also not a lot of local boba shops near me, but at the mall i go to there’s two boba places so i’ll also treat myself to a little drink!

go for a nature walk! if the weather permits it, walking outside and just enjoying nature can be so peaceful! i’m lucky to live in an area where there are lots of forest preserves that have great trails to walk through! of course, be safe when you head out for a nature walk & be sure to plan accordingly!

run errands! idk if people would really consider this a “solo date”, but running errands by yourself is such a fun experience! and, if you’re like me, it really helps to make you feel like your own individual! just grabbing any essentials you might need or even getting groceries by yourself can make you feel so productive!

take yourself out for breakfast, brunch, lunch, or dinner! treating yourself to a nice meal can be so rewarding! you can get yourself all nice and dressed up and just enjoy a delicious meal!

ᝰ.ᐟ self photoshoots

if i ever need a confidence boost, i’ll put makeup on, put together a super cute outfit, and start taking pictures of myself! just getting myself ready and capturing how good i look just makes me feel so much better about myself. seeing my own beauty and taking those aesthetic photos of myself makes me feel so so good!

now, i don’t use a fancy, professional camera, i literally just use my phone and i don’t have any fancy lighting other than a small ring light and a sunset lamp but i’ll still get myself set up to take some good pics!

ᝰ.ᐟ signature scent

i have always loved and adored perfume, but recently i’ve been trying to curate and perfect my signature scent. having a signature scent just adds a little something to you and your aura! i was finally able to land my signature scent (at least for the winter season) and every single day i’m getting compliments on how i smell and it’s genuinely one of my favorite things ever!

play around with perfumes and scents! find something that makes you feel beautiful and confident!

if you wanna know my signature scent…

Lattafa Now Rave Women perfume (yes, i got it off of tiktok shop), Victoria’s Secret Tease perfume, EOS Vanilla Cashmere lotion, & Vaseline Cocoa Radiant body oil

𝜗𝜚 final notes 𝜗𝜚

these are just a few things i do (or try to do) to romanticize my life! and, just to reiterate, live for yourself! live and love how you want to! life isn’t perfect, and it doesn’t have to be, but if you want to add a little spice, fun, or flavor to your day or week or month, live how you want to live!

live and love, babe.

sincerely, juno ⭑.ᐟ

[ilikerafayelwaytoomuch]

Lemuria Pottery- Chapter five

A/N: I'm so sorry this took like a year to update...the end of my masters program was rough and my mental health got worse for a while. The good news is I plan to finish this little series now! Tis a long chapter with a lil smut O.O and could probably be read as a stand alone. Obsession with Raf is still going strong <3

When I began seeing ads for our nearby fall festival, it was all I could focus on. I always had wanted to go, but me being me, never had anyone to go with. I sat at my desk at work, scrolling through social media, I mean definitely doing my actual job…but I was once again thinking about the festival. It always looked like so much fun. I sighed, looking at the time. 30 minutes left until my lunch break. Work was slow today, and boring, but it’s kinda always boring. Being an adult who has to pay bills kinda sucks. My phone buzzed, distracting me, as it had been doing the past few weeks. Buzzing because of a certain someone and distracting me from my job…not like I was currently doing anything anyway. I grabbed my phone, not even surprised it was Rafayel once again. 

Rafayel: thomas is about to lock me in my studio

Rafayel: save meeeeee

Me: i’m the one needing saving…locked inside an office building 8 hours a day

Rafayel: yikes

Rafayel: when’s lunch?

Me: 20 minutes TT 

Rafayel: perfect 

Me: ?? 

Me: Rafayel?? 

He had suddenly stopped messaging me, so I figured Thomas had probably gotten to him, forcing him to work. I figured I should actually do some work, pulling up the tabs on my computer. The job was easy, most of it was honestly being sure not to get too much done..I get paid the same amount. It’s a bad attitude, I know, but I don’t care and this company also doesn’t as long as the work gets done. I was focused on my work when I was once again distracted, though this time by a tap on my shoulder…”weird” I thought, turning around. My head tilted in confusion, seeing Rafayel smiling at me. “Rafayel?” I asked. 

“In the flesh,” he answered. 

“How the hell did you get in here? You need a badge to enter like every floor?” I asked him. He gave me a smug look, sighing. “Ah, that’s easy when you’re as good looking as me. Sarah was easy to convince,” he explained. I laughed. 

“Should have known. Can I ask why you’re here?” I asked. 

“To eat lunch with you, duh.” 

“Mhhm, not to avoid a certain manager of yours?” I narrowed my eyes on him. 

“I would never,” he protested, faking hurt. I smiled, then spun my chair to quickly clock out and back before getting up to eat with Rafayel. “Where are we going?” 

“There’s a cafe a few blocks away I’ve been wanting to try?” he asked. I nodded, allowing him to lead the way, then realizing he had no idea how to leave the building, so I took the lead. I pretended not to notice the stares I got from co-workers on the way out. It’s not like I was buddies with any of them…there was no need to stare. 

Rafayel drove us to the cafe, where we ordered and quickly sat. We talked about our days, both honestly not being that eventful. He had taught a class in the morning to children, which ended in some disasters, then worked on a commission for a bit before getting bored. My day was just as exciting, being at work all day. “Do you want to go to the fall festival together?” Rafayel had suddenly asked, surprising me. 

“Hm?” I asked, not hearing him over the noise of the cafe. 

“The fall festival is next weekend, do you want to go with me?” he asked. I smiled. “Really? I’ve always wanted to go,” I admitted. 

“You’ve never been?” 

“Nope. Never had anyone to go with,” I nervously chuckled. 

“Really?” He asked and I nodded. “Well, I guess this means I'll have to make it extra special. If you want to go with me, that is.” 

“I'd love to.” 

The day of the festival had arrived and I was beyond excited. Rafayel picked me up and drove us to the festival, though parking was awful. We finally found a spot and immediately headed over to the food stands, Rafayel forcing me to try every single thing every stall had because I had never tried any of them…or at least not tried any of them at a festival. I eventually had to force him to stop buying different foods for me to try because I was so full I was pretty sure I’d throw up. So that led us to play many of the different games the festival offered, losing most of them as per usual for these things. What we did not lose at though, were the claw machines. I had no idea how Rafayel was so incredibly good at them. I’m awful and couldn’t get a single plushie, Rafayel however was a menace. He was able to get any plushie I wanted…and even helped some kids who came over to watch him, which was sweet. Two little girls had spotted Rafayel’s luck, probably due to my pure surprise and cheering him on getting the adorable little plushie for me. They stood in amazement, watching as he successfully got the plushie in one go. “Woah!” one had yelled. They looked like they were twins, or at least sisters, wearing matching overalls and holding hands. “How’d you do that?” the other asked. Rafayel turned to see the two girls joining us and shrugged.

“Magic. I’m just that good you know,” he cockily stated. 

“Can you get any of those? Any of the plushies in this arcade?” one asked. 

“It’s not an arcade dummy, we’re at a festival,” her sister corrected her, making her pout. 

“I can get any plushie I want,” Rafayel confirmed. The girls looked at each other before getting close and whispering to each other about something. 

“Hey mister, if you can get any plushie here, can you get the big unicorn plushie in that machine over there?” one finally asked, giving her best puppy dog eyes. The other joined in, and I could tell Rafayel was going to crack easily, though he pretended to think about it. 

“I suppose so. Why don’t you show me which one,” he decided, making the girls cheer. One grabbed onto his hand and pulled him over to the machine, I followed, a smile on my face. “It’s that one right there, we’ve almost spent all of our money trying to get it. The purple unicorn,” the girl explained. “It looks so soft I have to have it on my bed!” 

“Mmm, that is in a difficult spot,” Rafayel agreed. “Buuuut, lucky for you I can get it.” He took the little girl's last coin, putting it into the machine. The three of us watched as he led the claw over to the unicorn, the claw dropped, wrapping onto the unicorn. The unicorn lifted and the girls began celebrating, excited that they’d finally get their prized plushie, just to watch as the unicorn suddenly fell back into the pile of plushies. Rafayel’s smile dropped quickly, looking over worried about the girls. One sighed. “Well, it’s okay mister. Thank you for trying,” she gave him a smile. 

“No,” Rafayel stated, grabbing his wallet. “You will get that plushie.” And get that plushie they did, along with every other plushie they wanted. I couldn’t believe the amount of money he had spent getting the plushies for the two girls. Plushies in hand and wide smiles on their faces, they thanked Rafayel, telling him he was the best guy they had ever met before running off. Once done with the arcade games, Rafayel and I just walked around, looking at the different stands and talking. To end our night, I convinced him that we had to ride the ferris wheel. So we stood in line waiting our turn to get into a cart. The line was long, so we waited a while, but it seemed to go by fast, the two of us joking around with each other. “You’re sure you can handle a ferris wheel? You couldn’t handle my boat driving,” I had asked him. 

“As if. It just goes around in a circle, are you sure you can handle it?” he scoffed. “You’ve never even been on one.” 

“Yeah, but I love rollercoasters and things so it should be fine. I hear the view is great too,” I informed him. 

“There’s a difference between rollercoasters and a ferris wheel,” he explained. “On a rollercoaster, sure, you go up high, but then immediately go down super fast. That doesn’t happen on a ferris wheel. You go all the way up and around, then eventually stop all the way around the wheel, including the top.” 

“I’ll be fine,” I waved him off, taking his hand as he helped me into the booth. I sat across from him, smiling and excited about the ride. It began slowly, as we were last to get on. The wheel turned in circles for a bit. I marveled at the view, pointing out dumb things to Rafayel, who smiled back. I really was fine, until we suddenly stopped. We slowly got to the top, where we stopped. “You okay?” Rafayel asked, taking my hand. I nodded, though I wasn’t. I didn’t realize quite how high up we were, he was right. Roller coasters are different. “Just focus on me,” he told me, suddenly getting closer. I did as he said, not daring to look away. I watched as the colorful lights from the ferris wheel reflected off of his face, lighting it up in the most artistic way. He smiled gently at me, which calmed me down. He really was beautiful. His features are soft under the neon lights, the sky getting dark behind him, his hand holding mine. He stared back, a new expression on his face that I couldn’t read. I was no longer thinking about how high up we were, but about the man sitting across from me. He was unreal. Met in the most random way, but quickly became a nice part of my life. A part of my life that’s been missing. I never really had friends, at least not for long. Relationships were a joke, only lasting for a single date, if that. Being with Rafayel was surprisingly easy. He was fun to be around and made me laugh. He made me feel like I was worth being around. Maybe even worth being loved. “Can I please kiss you?” Rafayel suddenly whispered, still staring at me, though his cheeks were tainted a bright red, spreading to his ears. I didn’t trust my voice, only nodding. He moved swiftly, smoothly, closing the distance between us and pressing his lips to mine. His hands gently cradling my face as he kissed me, gently as if he could break me. I didn’t know how to react, my hands just sat on the bench next to me, holding me up. I felt my face flush, looking away when Rafayel broke the kiss, interrupted by the abrupt start of the ferris wheel. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, too embarrassed. He apparently took this as a sign of the opposite, giving me a quick “sorry”. I looked up at him, worried because he had gotten the wrong idea. Not caring about how red my face must have been, I shook my head. “No, please don’t be. It’s,” I sighed. “I’m just embarrassed,” I finally muttered. 

“Embarrassed?” he tilted his head, questioning me. I nodded. 

“Yes, Rafayel, embarrassed.” 

“What for? You’re cute when you blush,” he told me with complete seriousness, which only made me blush harder and become more embarrassed. I covered my face with my hands and looked down at my feet again. “I’ve just kinda never kissed anyone- which is completely and utterly embarrassing considering I’m in my 20s,” I chuckled nervously. “I just got in my head a bit. I’m too awkward and it was probably not a good kiss on my part, I’m sorry. I just- it felt weird to just announce it to you, but it was nice. I mean-” I was interrupted by Rafayel giving me a peck. 

“No need to be embarrassed, cutie. I don’t think there’s anything you could do to make me not want to kiss you again,” he admitted, smiling. “Just tell me if it’s too much, the last thing I want to do is overwhelm you.” I nodded. 

“It wasn’t. I wanted to,” I confirmed. 

“Good,” he smiled. He reached over to grab my hand, interlocking our fingers together, giving me a glance to make sure I was still okay. I was. The rest of the ride was quiet, the two of us just kinda waiting to get off. Though my mind, and heart, were racing. When we got off the ride, we grabbed our things and began to make our way back to the car, hand in hand. We were about half way there, when I suddenly stopped, letting go of Rafayel’s hand and going over to a stand. I frowned, looking down at the small pool of fish. “(y/n)?” Rafayel asked, catching up to me. 

“They look so sad,” I frowned, nodding to the fish. He nodded in agreement. “I’m going to get one,” I decided, determined. 

“What? Where are you going to put it?” he questioned. I shrugged. 

“I’ll figure that out once I save one of these little guys.” I handed some money to the worker, who handed me a mesh net. I tried to get one of the fish, but failed miserably. So I handed more money to the worker and tried again, still failing. As I was about to pull out more money, Rafayel stopped me, handing some money to the worker and taking the net from me. “You have to do it like this,” he told me, easily scooping up a fish. My jaw dropped at how quickly and easily he was able to get the fish. The worker placed the fish in a plastic bag, making my heart break a bit. I was going to make sure this fish lived the best life it could, though I was sad I couldn’t take them all home. Rafayel grabbed my free hand and we walked to his car. I begged him to take me to the nearest pet store, wanting to get all of the necessities for our new pet. 

When we got to the pet store, we immediately headed to the fish section, picking out a tank and all the necessities. Rafayel helped me pick out the decorations, telling me we had to be sure his home was a work of art. When we got to the register, he beat me to pay. “Rafayel!” I scolded him.  

“What?” he asked, confused. 

“Why did you pay for all of this? He’s practically your fish now,” I pouted. 

“He can be both of our fish. I’ll take him on weekends or something,” he teased. 

“Fine,” I agreed, smiling. When we got into the car, I was sure to show the fish where he’d be living now, showing him the tank and all of the decorations. I was excited when we arrived at my apartment, quickly dragging  in Rafayel behind me so I could set up Reddie’s habitat. The two of us set up the tank together, Rafayel moving things around until he deemed it perfect. We acclimated Reddie to the water and eventually let him loose in his new home, the fish immediately swimming to hide. “Well, that about does it,” Rafayel said. “What did you think of the festival?” 

“Everything I could have dreamed of, thank you for taking me,” I told him, smiling. 

“I’m glad. Thank you for coming with me, I had a lot of fun. Get some sleep okay?” he smiled, heading for the door. I followed him nodding, “you too.” He was about to walk out the door before he suddenly turned and pulled me closer to him, kissing my cheek. “Bye!” he giggled, running away before I could say anything. I laughed at his antics, watching him quickly run down the stairs, almost falling before slowing down and making it to his car.

I finally got two days off of work and planned to do pretty much nothing but catch up on sleep and just generally relax. It felt like I had been nonstop working for months, my only break being the few dates I had gone on with Rafayel…and his seemingly non stop texts. The day started off great, I slept in until at least noon, definitely much needed. I got up to make myself some food, being absolutely starving, when the non stop buzzing of my phone began. 

Rafayel: SOS

Rafayel: (y/nnnnnnn)

Rafayel: cutieeeeee 

Rafayel: babyyyyyy

Rafayel: save meeeeee

Rafayel: I just got done with a class and the next is gonna start soon 

Rafayel: I’m tired TT

Rafayel: omg and thomas is making me work more after by going to a meeting 

Rafayel: I need my girlfriend to come save me TT 

I rolled my eyes as I watched his messages appear, ignoring the pet names he was typing. I was honestly tempted to just ignore his messages and go back to sleep..but another, larger part of me wanted to have some fun. And Rafayel had given me a perfect opportunity to do just that. 

Me: u have a girlfriend???

Me: wtf are u literally cheating on her??? 

Rafayel: WHAT NO I WOULD NEVER !!

Rafayel: IM NOT A CHEATER

Rafayel: cant believe youd think that…

Rafayel: i thought you were my gf…..

Rafayel: am i the only one feeling this way??...

Me: since when were we together? You never asked me to be your gf…. 

Rafayel didn’t answer my message, which worried me slightly. I was mostly just trying to mess with him, enjoying his panic. I waited for a few minutes, wondering if he had just gotten caught up in the class he was teaching. I eventually decided to message him, letting him know that I was mostly messing with him and he wasn’t the only one that was feeling that way. When he didn’t message back, I figured that must have been the case and there was nothing I could do, so I returned my focus to my stovetop, finishing my food and thinking about what to do next. I could always take a nice bath or something, but I also just really wanted to sleep still. I figured more sleep couldn’t hurt, so headed to my bed to do just that. 

I wasn’t sure how long I had been asleep when I woke up to someone pounding on my door. Disoriented, I crawled out of bed, almost tripping on nothing, and headed to my door. As soon as I opened the door, a man brushed past me, entering my apartment. It took me a second to realize it was Rafayel, calming my anxiety about the sudden intruder. “Ugh took you long enough to open up, Thomas could come looking any second,” he complained. 

“Hello to you too,” I muttered, closing my door. Rafayel took a seat on my couch, quickly getting comfortable and placing a bag on the coffee table. “I had to sneak out of my own studio to get here,” he stated. 

“Wouldn’t it be better just to work?” I asked him, confused why he would come here. 

“No. I have no inspiration and Thomas just doesn’t get that. He’ll probably notice I’m not in my studio in half an hour and then call me to yell at me,” he waved a hand dismissively. “I’m here because you’re right.” 

“Sorry?” 

“I never officially asked you to be my girlfriend,” he stated as if it was obvious. I blinked, staring at him. “You’re going to ask me to be your girlfriend not even 5 minutes after I just woke up, and while I’m standing here looking dead in some old pajamas?” I asked him. He nodded and stood. 

“Sure am, doesn’t matter what time of day it is or what you’re wearing, you’re still pretty,” he rolled his eyes. He pulled out a smaller bag from the bag he had brought. It was a small white gift bag, the bag itself looked expensive. He took out a box and opened it in front of me, revealing a silver necklace with a small blue gem. It was gorgeous, classy, elegant…and probably the most expensive necklace I’d ever been that close to. “Will you be my girlfriend?” Rafayel asked simply. I barely heard him, still stunned by the situation and the necklace. It had to be pricey…why would he spend so much on something for– “Is it too much?” Rafayel interrupted my thoughts, worried. 

“No,” I said quietly. “Well, maybe a bit,” I chuckled. “I don’t know, I’ve never done this.” 

“Most girls like expensive jewelry and guys with money,” Rafayel began explaining his reasoning. “I came across this when I was shopping and thought it’d look really good on you. Do you not like it?” he looked at me, still worried. 

“No! I mean, yes, I do like it. A lot actually. It’s just," I sighed. “Why would you spend so much on me?” I finished quietly. 

“Because I want to,” he shrugged. “I want you to have everything you want and more.” I was silent for a moment, stunned by his words before smiling at him, getting flustered and looking away. 

“Well are you going to put it on me?” I asked him, unsure what to say. His eyes lit up. “Does that mean you say yes?” he asked. I nodded, making him break into a smile. He took the necklace and came over to me, pushing my hair to the side so he could clasp it around my neck. It probably looked ridiculous, standing out against the old shirt and sweats I wore, but I didn’t care. I had never gotten something this special from someone. Something so meaningful. It could have been a 3$ necklace from the dollar store and I’d still cherish it. “Perfect,” Rafayel suddenly clapped his hands and then walked back over to the couch, sitting and beginning to pull out things from the bag he had brought. “I know you have the weekend off and were planning on relaxing, so I was wondering if I could join? I brought bath bombs, face masks, nail polish, movies, and snacks,” he spoke while taking things out of the bag, brows furrowed. I was impressed at the amount of things he had gotten. 

“When did you have time to get all of this?” I questioned him, moving to sit next to him. 

“Well, honestly most of this stuff I enjoy to. Don’t laugh,” he glared at me when I smiled at the news. 

“I wasn’t laughing!” I defended myself. “I just thought it was nice. I think most guys would think all of that is too girly.” 

“Well I don’t. The bath bombs not only make the water prettier, but they also make my skin nice. Same with the masks, I swear by these. It will completely transform you. The nail polish I just guessed with, same with the snacks, but I grabbed some before coming over. So what should we do first?” I didn’t get a chance to answer him, his phone suddenly ringing, making him freeze. I gave him a look, and he sighed, picking up the phone. I could hear Thomas on the other end giving him a mouthful about work, Rafayel rolling his eyes while he listened. “Yeah yeah it’ll get done, quit being such a worrywort. Oh no! The call is breaking up! He- oh- shi-” he pretended that the call had bad service, hanging up. “So, wanna order some pizza?” he asked, looking at me. 

“Absolutely,” I laughed. Rafayel ordered some pizza, which was delivered surprisingly fast. We ate together, making conversation about what had happened last since we saw each other. 

“So, did you bring bath bombs as a way to say you wanted to take a bath with me?” I teased Rafayel, his face erupting into a deep blush. 

“I- what? No!” he denied, sputtering. I laughed at him. 

“Oh really? Why else bring them?” 

“For you! I figured you’d like them,” he argued. 

“So you don’t want to take a bath with me?” I raised my brow. 

“No. I mean not unless you want to, though I’m not sure you could handle all of this,” he teased back, getting over his embarrassment. 

“Not much going on,” I pursed my lips. His jaw dropped. 

“You promised! You said you didn’t see anything so how would you know?!” he spoke in disbelief. I laughed. 

“I didn’t see anything, calm down. I’m just messing with you. Why don’t we skip the bath and go for face masks next?” I asked him. He pouted, still not believing me. 

“Fine. You’re getting the mask that makes you look like an old man though,” he decided. I chuckled, nodding in agreement. I helped Rafayel put the face mask on, he was complaining the entire time about how he’d get it in his eyes if he put it on himself, so I did it for him to shut up. Then of course, he used the same excuse to put the mask on me. We sat on my couch and watched a movie with the masks on. Rafayel was pretty quick to scoot his way closer to me, eventually wrapping an arm around me. I froze, new to the contact. He apologized, moving his arm before I grabbed it and placed it back where it was. “Don’t. I’m just not used to it, doesn’t mean I didn’t like it,” I muttered, pouting. I saw Rafayel smile out of the corner of my eye. 

“Aww, you’re so cute,” he baby-talked me, pinching my cheek. I rolled my eyes at him. “Just watch the movie.” I surprisingly didn’t last very long with the movie, even though I had slept practically all day. I fell asleep at some point during the movie, not even remembering to take my face mask off, moving into Rafayel’s arms. 

When I woke up, I was once again confused. But this time, when my eyes opened I was met with blue. My walls were not blue…neither were any of my pillows…Then the blue suddenly moved and I realized it was not a wall or pillow, but a shirt. I looked up and saw Rafayel looking down at me. His arms were wrapped around me, holding me close to him on my couch. “Oh? You’re awake,” he stated, not moving. I moved slightly, releasing an arm from his hold and rubbing my eye. 

“Sorry, I didn’t realize I’d fall asleep so quickly,” I apologized. “I didn’t think anyone could fall asleep so fast. 5 minutes in, your head was nodding onto my shoulder, before you basically passed out. I had to make sure you didn’t fall and take the face mask off,” he sighed. 

“Sorry,” I apologized again, moving to try to sit back up. I was pulled back down by Rafayel, my head once again next to his chest. “You still seem tired, you should sleep more,” he instructed. 

“Won’t your arm fall asleep?” I questioned. He shrugged. “Don’t care. Like having you in my arms,” he mumbled, pressing his lips to my head. I didn’t say anything else, unsure what to do. It was sort of embarrassing to me, but also kinda nice. I listened to his breathing as it began to slow, the man beginning to fall asleep, I joined him not long after. 

The topic of going further never really came up with Rafayel, which I was thankful for. He basically knew I had no experience and was okay with taking some time. The thing is, I’m not exactly young…I may not have experience, but I am more than ready to. The opportunity never really arose. I got to a point where I decided I didn’t necessarily want, or cared, about waiting. But by the time I was at that point, it was weird for someone to not have experience. I didn’t really care about it, but at the same time, I didn’t want a one night stand to be my first. It would be hard to explain my nerves to a one night stand…not to mention embarrassing. I wanted to at least be comfortable with whoever ended up being my first. So that left me years of nothing really. All that to say, I’m really done waiting. Rafayel wasn’t seeming to get the hint, but I honestly expected it was because I was going about it too cautiously. So today, I decided I had had enough. I was about to take a bath, using one of the bath bombs Rafayel had left for me when he had asked me to be his girlfriend. I watched the color turn a light blue, swirls forming with the bubbles of the bath. I checked the temperature of the water before getting in, relaxing into the warmth. But that wasn’t the only purpose of this bath. I took a deep breath, unsure why I was so nervous. I am a full grown adult who can make her own decisions. I got into position, crossing my legs in the water and raising them so my knees and part of my thigh were exposed above the water. The colors from the bath bomb swirled around me, making the shot quite artsy if I do say so myself. After taking a few and finding one I liked, I did some quick editing, wanting the picture to look nice. It was meant for an artist after all. 

Me: [attached one picture] 

Me: finally got a chance to use that bath bomb…you were right, it’s so pretty! 

Raffie: holy shit 

Raffie: yeah it is….

Raffie: looks so pretty against your skin too 

Me: o.o 

Me: prob would look even prettier against yours

Raffie: definitely not

Me: wanna see some others? 

Raffie: what 

Me: [attached 2 photos] 

Raffie: baby… 

Me: do you not like them? 

Raffie: i like them too much…you look like a goddess…you can’t just send stuff like this…

Me: oh, really? 

Raffie: you’re gonna be the death of me 

Me: you can come see for yourself…

Raffie: what 

Raffie: are u serious? 

Raffie: are u sure you want to? 

Me: yes 

Me: pls raffie… 

Raffie: speeding over now 

Me: don’t go too fast, i don’t want u to get in an accident!! 

I bit my lip, out of both nerves and excitement. It all still felt a bit awkward, but I knew it was going to. I got out of the bath and changed into a cute pajama set I had bought. I felt like it fit me nicely, and also just straight up made me feel sexy. Rafayel was true to his word, knocking at my apartment door with record speed. I answered it, letting him in and he immediately grabbed my arms, looking at my eyes. “Are you sure about this? I don’t want you to feel pressured,” he said, seriously. I nodded. 

“More than sure. I may be a bit nervous, but I want it more than anything,” I confirmed. He nodded, licking his lips. He looked messy, hair a bit out of place. He wore casual clothes again, sweatpants and a shirt. I noticed some stains on the pants and gathered he must have been working on something at the studio when I had messaged. I hoped I hadn’t interrupted and ruined his inspiration. I had no time to think, or even ask, as I was pulled into Rafayel, his hand guiding my face closer to his. He began slowly, though quickly deepening the kiss, almost impatiently. My hands hesitated, unsure what to do. He noticed, grabbing my hands and guiding them to rest on his chest. His hands moved quickly down my frame, lifting me by my thighs, causing me to wrap my arms around his neck. He smiled into the kiss, giggling like a schoolboy and running to my room. I held on tightly, laughing along with him. 

When we got into my room, Rafayel sat down on my bed, holding me in his lap. He kissed me again, slower this time, as if savoring it. His hands trailed up, across my back and onto my hips. When he broke the kiss, he smiled at me. “Can I take this off? Or you want me to go first?” he asked. “Can you?” I asked him, growing more nervous. He nodded, beginning to pull off his shirt. He threw it somewhere onto my floor and laid back partly, hands holding him up, showing off his torso to me, a cocky smile on his face. I stared, unsure, watching the slight movement of his stomach moving with his breath. “You can feel if you want,” he smiled, tilting his head teasingly. I frowned. “Just however?” I mumbled. He nodded and grabbed one of my hands, gently moving it to rest on his chest, encouraging me. I spread my fingers out, feeling his chest, gaining courage to bring up my other hand to follow. I moved one down slightly, watching in awe as he let out a shudder, my nail brushing across his nipple. I did it again, more purposefully this time. “Fuck,” he breathed, chest heaving slightly. I bit back a smile, enjoying the red beginning to spread across his face. I moved my hands down slowly, feeling the curvature of his muscles, watching as they slightly twitched with my touch. I looked up to see Rafayel, head back and eyes closed. I moved slightly, making him gasp, head snapping up to look at me. I pushed him back, his head landing with a soft thud on my pillow. I moved down, sitting more on his thighs. “Can you…” I trailed off, unsure how to ask. 

“You’re going to need to be a bit more specific than that, love,” he spoke. I took a breath. “Can you show me how to make you feel good?” I asked, unsure. He chuckled. “Hands or mouth?” he asked. “Rafayel!” I yelled, slapping him slightly. 

“I’m just asking! No way to say it all pretty,” he defended himself. “I’m okay with either, or none. This is about you.” 

“Your body says otherwise,” I informed him, aware of his hard on. “Hands for now,” I finally whispered. 

“Wanna take them off or want me to?” he asked, shaking his hips and making me smile. “Think I got this,” I answered. I curled my fingers around the top of his pants, hands shaking slightly. I tugged, Rafayel moving slightly to help me. He sat up on his elbows to watch me, a curious glint in his eyes. And there he was, in all his glory. I wasn’t exactly sure how to react. I mean, it looked like a dick? “Nothing?” he asked. 

“What?” I asked him, confused. 

“No reaction,” he pouted. 

“I mean I don’t really have anything to compare it to, not really. It’s nice,” I tried. “Seems good, I guess.” Rafayel burst into laughter. 

“We should work on your dirty talk,” he chuckled. I frowned. “Let me try. Oh my god! Raffie it’s sooo big and long. Can’t wait to feel it,” I spoke, overexaggerating to the best of my ability as if I were a porn star. His face flushed, surprising me. “Wait, that actually works?” 

“It’s just because it's you,” Rafayel argued. “Ah, well show me where to begin,” I said. He reached down, wrapping his hand around his cock. “I like it like this, just up and down. Maybe twist sometimes, just have fun with it,” he said. I nodded, taking it very seriously. I moved to replace his hand with mine, Rafayel moving his hand back, elbow resting on the bed. “Little tighter,” he instructed, I nodded, doing as he said. I hesitantly began to move my hand around him, still feeling out of place. Then, I heard a small gasp escape Rafayel’s lips. I took that and ran with it, wanting to hear more. I quickly figured out what would make him moan, and continued to do that. I watched him closely, every slight movement of his face, his hips, every sound he made. It was mesmerizing. “Slow- mmmg- you’re gonna need to slow down if you don’t want me to cum,” Rafayel warned me. I shrugged, wanting just that and continuing. Watching him cum from my own hand was something I could watch forever. I helped him through his release, then waited until he caught his breath. “Holy shit,” he breathed, making me giggle. “Your turn,” he suddenly said, flipping us over so he held himself above me. He captured my lips with his own, moving to kiss my neck and jaw. “Can I take this off now?” he asked, tugging the bottom of my shirt. I nodded, though I was a bit nervous. He pulled, lifting my shirt off of me. He bit his lip, staring at me. “Just as I thought, no bra and absolutely perfect,” he muttered, quickly cupping them in his hands. His finger brushed over my right nipple, making my gasp. He smiled, continuing to play with my breasts. My insecurities went out the window, only thinking about how good it felt. “Pretty sure I could cum just from this,” Rafayel admitted, swiping his tongue across my chest. “Another time for that though. I wanna make you feel even better. Can I?” he asked, looking into my eyes once again. I nodded, and moved to help him remove the shorts and underwear I was wearing. He said nothing, only staring at me. I squirmed under his gaze, worried. Was it not good enough? “See what it’s like when the other person says nothing?” he suddenly asked me, teasing me. I pouted, making him laugh. “Don’t worry princess, you’re beautiful, really,” he assured me, kissing me once again. “Do you wanna show me what you like?” he asked. 

“I uh-” 

“Don’t tell me you’ve never-” 

“I have. I just don’t prefer using my fingers,” I admitted embarrassed. 

“Oh?” he tilted his head. “Please tell me more,” he said, a wicked grin on his face. 

“I usually use a vibe,” I muttered, looking away. 

“Mmm, naughty girl,” Rafayel said, turning my face to look at him. “We should stick to what you’re comfortable with. Where do you keep it, hmm? Bedside table?” He questioned, opening a drawer and finding it immediately, making him chuckle. “Is it already charged?” 

“Should be,” I admitted. 

“This okay then?” he asked. I nodded. He distracted me with a kiss, not even realizing that his hand had moved to click the vibrator on, pushing it against me. I gasped into the kiss. Somehow it felt different when he was using it…when he had control of it. “There,” I told him, feeling the vibration against my clit. He suddenly turned the vibrator up, making me moan louder than I expected. He kept it like that for a while, making me close before he turned it down, making me whine. “Raffie,” I breathed. 

“Sorry baby, it’s just so fun watching you,” he smiled, turning it up again. I was on the brink of an orgasm when it suddenly stopped, making me want to cry. I opened my mouth to yell at him, but he beat me to it. “Fuck, I think it just died,” he explained. 

“Then do something else, please,” I begged him. 

“Needy are we?” he teased. I nodded. “Do you care how?” he asked. I shook my head and he flashed another wicked smile at me, before disappearing from my gaze. I felt his hands on my thighs, breath fanning me. He sucked the skin on my thighs before pushing them open more and diving in. It was unlike anything I had experienced, and I had no idea anything could feel like this. His lavender hair tickled my stomach, nose bumping against my clit sharply. I instinctively grabbed his hair, a moan vibrating throughout my body as I did so. “Raf-” I breathed, warning him. His eyes flickered up to look at me, watching my every move as he dove in further. Seconds later, I was seeing stars, thighs pushing together as I heard Rafayel thanking me. I couldn’t move for a while, barely registering Rafayel moving to lay next to me, his hand caressing my face. “Hey there, you back with me?” he asked. I nodded. 

“That was a lot,” I breathed, making him chuckle. 

“Good though?” he asked. I nodded. “Oh yeah, you’re not done though are you?” I asked. His eyes widened. 

“You want to continue?” 

“Unless you don’t want to-” 

“Nope, definitely do. I just don’t want to overwhelm you. You ready for more?” he asked. I nodded. 

“Little scared, but I wanna feel you,” I admitted. He smiled. He moved, grabbing a condom and quickly putting it on. “Just relax then, I’ll take care of you. Let me know if it’s too much.” I nodded. He leaned down to kiss me again, breaking it to smile at me and grab my hand. He guided it to lay next to my head, his hand gently holding mine. “Ready?” he asked, I nodded. It was extremely uncomfortable at first, but I didn’t want to seem like a wimp. Rafayel seemed to notice and stopped, checking in on me as I was holding my breath. “Breathe baby, breathe.” 

“I don’t know if I can,” I told him, squeezing my eyes shut. 

“I promise you can, but if you’ve changed your mind and don’t want to do this anymore we can stop,” he assured me. I shook my head. 

“No, just slow,” I told him. He nodded and slowed his pace. It felt like an eternity until he  finally stopped moving. I opened my eyes and looked down, immediately in a weird tranced state, seeing he was completely in me. “Move,” I whispered. He did, slowly, I breathed, head moving to look back at Rafayel. He looked focused, restraining himself so he wouldn’t hurt me. Soon I was relaxed and comfortable, giving him the okay to do as he wished. Neither of us lasted very long, though neither of us minded. I was exhausted afterwards, refusing to move, so Rafayel did his best, wiping us down before getting in bed with me. I curled up into him, already falling asleep, the last thing I remember being Rafayel thanking me and kissing the top of my head.

[himbochub]

hi! ive been kind of lurking and i was just curious to ask a few questions to you since you are into fe*derism (feel free to ignore this if you aren't comfortable or miss any questions you don't want to answer)

do you consider there to be different types of fe*derism? if yes, what type do you engage with?

what are your thoughts on people posting fe*derism content on apps like tikt0k, y0utube or instagr@m where they are likely to be seen by people not in your community?

how do you feel about other we1ght contr0l k*nks? like fetishes for underweight people or very muscular people, doms who set up gym schedules for their subs or doms who otherwise control their subs diets? (consensually obvs)

do you think they are comparable to fe*derism? or that they should not be considered the same as a k*nk for gaining?

you call fe*derism a RACK k*nk so i was wondering about what you consider the risks of the lifestyle?

(censored words so this doesn't show up in searches if you don't want it to)

thank you in advance <3

i honestly love this question- hoping it comes from a good place but super open to answering all of these questions! I’d start by saying that “feedism” is a more accurate term than “feederism” imo- the term feederism centers feeders more than it should, and i think feedism is a more accurate umbrella term.

1. there are absolutely different types of feedism, different ways to engage in it- i think from an outside perspective most people’s idea of is extremely heteronormative and the feeder/feedee must be man/woman respectively, with dom/sub aspects to the relationship- and that absolutely isn’t always the case. some people prefer more “soft” feedism, some people want to be teased and humiliated, some people just want to gain a little weight, some people are more just into stuffing/bloating rather than gaining, some people want to be immobile. there’s a whole spectrum and i can’t say i haven’t dipped my toes in everywhere!

2. this is hard because i honestly just prefer that we keep to our own side of the internet. apps like tik tok, really any other social media that doesn’t have kink centered sides to it, are a) exposing potential minors to kink content they don’t need to be seeing in spaces they wouldn’t otherwise learn about it and b) unnecessarily bringing fatphobic attention to our community. obviously though, people making those types of videos on other platforms are typically there to “educate folks” on the “dangers” of this fetish or “manipulative/abusive” feeders- which is so hard to even break down. i hate that those people had those experiences, but i typically also notice them shifting their content into ED centered mid sets as well as obviously, rampant fatphobia and also suggesting feedees are mindless and don’t make any choices for themselves. i am Not talking about sex workers advertising lewds on IG- go off!

3. honestly i can’t say i “feel” any type of way about them because fat centered feedism is really my only shtick. ever since love lies bleeding i do have a very soft spot in my heart for muscle mommies and i do love a super toned feeder, but only in the context of them being obsessed with my fat.

4. I would say they would perhaps be comparable to feedism in the sense that they are a similair type of body altering fetish, but I would imagine they would stand alone in their own regard as far as the more nuanced things that go on in those kinks and spaces. For example, outside of kink discussions, fat liberation is hugely centered in topics of discussion in our community- I doubt we could say the same for a muscle kink type community.

5. This is something that is massively important to me, which is the mental health aspect of gaining. I’ve talked about this a lot on twitter and a bit here, but like any kink that is widely part of your day to day lifestyle, you have to be mindful of how it effects you mentally, and be realistic about that. I see feedees leave this community every day for different reasons- internalized fatphobia taking over, financial aspects being daunting or overwhelming, neglected medical health issues becoming too overbearing. these things could happen to anyone who is too caught up in a kink and not practicing mindfulness and balance. i really encourage other feedees to stay self aware, take breaks when you feel like it’s necessary, don’t let gaining become an obsession that overtakes your personhood. i know that isn’t a super sexy take, but that fantasy is truly not for everyone! a lot of what feedism is is fantasy. most people can’t realistically manage being as big as a lot of us want to be, and especially with many of us being low income, it can be easy to accidentally put ourselves in a bad place in a lot of ways. basically to sum it up, practice safe kink and take care of yourselves! to many people i’ve been told this sounds “redundant” in feedism, but it absolutely is not.

thanks for listening, lol!

[lemony-snickers]

recently (aka this weekend), since i am resurrecting myself a little bit within this space for whatever reason and to whatever end, i took a look through my following list.

and the internet is such a strange place, really, such a grand metaphor for the transient nature of relationships in every part of our lives. looking at all the "last updated" dates and seeing people i at one point spoke with regularly (daily! in some cases) who have not posted in one year, two years, three...

it probably means i should follow some new blogs (i follow very few for my own sanity as;dlfkj). but also it is so easy to lose track of people who have impacted our lives.

i feel this in my offline life accutely often. everyone except me in my book club is pregnant or has just welcomed home a newborn, which means we never met for our latest book and probably will never meet again. i sent a solstice text to my longest standing friend in december and have never received a reply. the last text i got from any friends were on new year's day. i imagine it will be longer still before i hear from any of them again.

it's so easy to lose track, to fall away, to disappear. i think of all the people in my life who have at one point or another been So Very Important to my daily existence and most of them i have no contact with outside of social media (which i am taking an extended, much-needed mental health break from so sorry tumblr now you're stuck with me again sd;fljsf).

in college, i choreographed a piece for one of our spring shows that was all about this transience - a study of an airport terminal and the people there who can brush up against one another's lives before they go their own separate ways. i am fascinated by this way we can sometimes weave together as a species in very specific circumstances (waiting rooms, dormitories, buses, apartments, chat rooms, discord channels, volunteer clubs, theatres, offices, hostels) only to eventually dissipate. water droplets evaporating - never to be seen in the same place again.

there are so many people i miss. some i have hugged a hundred times and others i have only met through a computer screen but they have each left some mark or memory and that is all i have left of them. all i will ever have.

it feels very unfair, sometimes, how easy it is to be a lonely human on this planet full of fellow people.

[mrs0verthink3r]

Blog intro (˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧

The basic stuff about me 

Hello my name is Irene or joy which ever one you want to call me :) 

Age : 16 

pronouns: she/her/hers

Sexuality: straight 

I have 2 cats ( Kitty and Garfield) 

( I do have autism but that’s like whatever) ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I am looking for friends

Personality 

I am a kind person but if you are rude to me I will be rude back so. 

ISFP or INFP idk  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

I do curse sometimes but not all the time. 

I do have mental health issues/ problems but I am working on them so I am okay right now 

My hobbies (◍•ᴗ•◍)♡ ✧*。

Drawing ( traditional and digital) 🎨

Reading 📖 

Listening to music  🎶 

Watching tv 📺 

Baking 🧁

Cuddling with my cat 🐱 

Working out 🏋️ 

Writing ✍️ 

Shopping 🛍️ 

I wanna start crocheting 🧶 :) 

Cleaning or helping out  🧽 🧹

( I love being alone sometimes lol )

pfp made by me, I don’t use ai for art and I take my time with it

My interests  =^._.^= ∫

Movies / shows : MLP , Miraculous ladybug , Ginny and Georgia, squid game, Alice in borderland, stranger things the rookie, modern family, young Sheldon, Orphan, Saw  movies , Triangle ,The autopsy of Jane doe,  Hell house , terrifier, Grave encounters , Ready or not ,A quiet place, The Blair witch project , mha, Madoka Magica, kakegurui, and many more ミ๏ｖ๏彡

Games : Genshin impact, Honkai star rail, Roblox, project sekai, Minecraft, Fnaf, shining Nikki ,pony town. ( I don’t have a pc,console, or computer ) 

Other things : I like cats sometimes other animals,  my favorite flowers are red spider lily’s, cherry blossoms, blue lotus flowers, and peony.

Creepypasta, slenderverse, Sanrio, vocaloids, ever after high, monster high,Bratz, Danganronpa, and more 

( I’M  NOT A TOXIC PERSON ) that includes everything I like, I’m not that type of person and I don’t hate on other’s interests, and I don’t Sexualize characters. So there’s no need to worry about me. ( just because I’m in a fandom doesn’t mean I act like the weird or toxic side of it) 

Music I listen to (*≧∀≦*)

( I really like music) ( It’s in no Pacific order) 

24 ATARASHII GAKKO!

23  kiss of life - Natty 

22 Itzy - my bias- Yeji 

21 New jeans - my bias - Hanni 

20 Halsey 

19 Insane clown posee 

18 Katy Perry 

17 Millionaires 

16 Kesha 

15 ILLIT - my bias - Minju

14 Britney Spears 

13 Black pink - my bias - Jennie 

12 Red velvet - my bias - Wendy 

11 le sserafim - my bias - Sakura 

10 Ic3peak 

9 Twice - my bias - Dahyun

8 Ive - my bias - Liz 

7 Aespa - my bias - Giselle 

6 Marina 

5 Lady Gaga 

4 Baby metal 

3 (G)I-DLE - my bias - Yuqi 

2 Jazmin bean 

1 Baby monster - my bias -  Ruka 

( you don’t need to worry I’m not a solo Stan, I like the whole group it’s just I like a member little more and I still support the other members. I am a Girl group Stan, but I won’t hate on you if you like any boy groups I just like girl groups better :))

DNI LIST 

Homophobic, Transphobic,etc.

Misogynistic

Racist, Sexist, Ableist, Discrimination, etc.

Pedophile, Sexualizes Minors, Jokes About R×pe, etc 

DO NOT  send me  S/H, e/d,nsfw etc stuff like that  

Over all I don’t want to deal with toxic/ stupid people I’m so sick of toxic people in general 

Daily Reminders for you and me    ૮ . . ྀིა⁩

Remember to drink water and eat healthy don’t skip a meal it’s only going to hurt you. 

Feel good about yourself don’t let others take away your confidence. 

It’s okay to take a break from social media for a few days or weeks everyone needs one. 

Please try to stay healthy I know so from personal experiences it can be hard but I believe in you try and get motivators work out. ( I like taking a shower or working out when I feel down it might be different for you though) 

Remember no is perfect  so it’s okay to make mistakes sometimes just don’t let it overflow 

Overall

I am here to talk if you want but if it’s sounds like it needs professional help please talk to a trusted adult. If you feel suicidal please text or call 988, 911, 741741 

Also don’t be an asshole, it’s my blog if you don’t like it you have a block button for reason so use it,  instead of being a no life who hates on everything you see. Have a good night or day everyone  :) 

  /ᐠ ˵> ˕ <˵マֶֶֶֶֶָָָָָ֢֢֢֢֢

[rinnysega]

Any advice on how to make progress on a writing project while dealing with emotional/mental fatigue? I’ve wanted to work on my book for MONTHS now but between irl stress and overall fatigue making me feel like all I have the energy for is just watching YouTube and scrolling social media, which just makes me feel worse for not writing. I just miss being in that headspace where I can write for hours at a time.

I understand your sentiment. I went through this recently too and only just got out of it around the end of last year.

Without knowing any details of your irl stress, considering this has lasted a few months for you, I'd first ask if its something in your power to change. I've found it's hard to be creative in an unhealthy environment too, but even harder to make changes to that unhealthy environment if it's something familiar or comfortable or might be too upsetting to change. We're creatures of habit that tend to get stuck in loops and patterns, and if any of those sound like something you're going through that causes mental or emotional stress and fatigue, I highly recommend taking steps to break those patterns or remove certain stressors. Any small changes or accommodations to your overall mental health is something I highly encourage first and foremost.

If they're stressors out of your control, and scrolling YouTube or social media is your coping patterns for the stress while in fatigue, that's something that can be hard to break too. I'm guilty of it myself, like even today I scheduled my day to write, but I got hit with a massive bout of burnout and ended up taking a five hour nap while some YT played in the background. I felt bad too when I woke up that I didn't get to my schedule today, but lately I've been reminding myself that I've been doing well, and my body speaks to me when it's time for a recharge. There's no shame in resting, so I recommend allowing yourself that time to recharge without feeling guilty for not writing. Your body needs it and you can't be your most creative self without taking the time to rest, hydrate, and whatever else your body needs.

If you find it's hard to break away from something like YT while in burnout, I'd ask yourself what kinds of videos are you watching? Something you've seen before like old comfort channels or something new? I'd recommend trying to find content that relates to your work and have it on for "research purposes" to help keep your project in mind while you relax.

Back in late 2023, I was still kind of stumbling through some recent changes to how I navigate in the world post-autism/cptsd dx, but I wanted to write and not have that feeling of guilt too. In my book, one of the timelines takes place in 1995, so I'd put on old 90s commercials, video essays of the decade, etc, and basically be a couch potato when the fatigue hit while it got absorbed. If I came across something interesting, I'd make little notes to myself and tell myself "you're technically writing!" to keep that guilty feeling at bay. The best part is it's technically true! Once I got to a better place where I could sit down and write something, I already had a bullet list of interesting things to include in the novel related to the culture and history of the time period, and the scenes felt very natural to type out since I already did some of the legwork in my couch potato era.

Writing for yourself is very therapeutic and healing in its own way, so if you'd like to tackle subjects that connect to your stressors that could be a way to keep writing if you absolutely feel the need to write. Even if it's not part of a main story or project you're working on, sometimes the habit of sitting down to write small micro fictions of your day as a journal entry with characters or familiar settings can be helpful in getting back into the swing of it.

The most important thing I'd like for you or anyone to take away is that it's okay to take time off and there's no need to feel ashamed of that. I took off all summer of 2023 from writing because at the time, everything felt so big and overwhelming and scary, and I'm very glad I did. I focused on the areas of my life that needed improvement so I could be healthy and live a better life as a recognized autistic adult. I knew it wouldn't last forever, and maybe the temporary aspect is what made it easier. Maybe set a goal post so you feel more in control of your schedule, even if it's something small for now. Point is, the time I needed made me feel more relaxed and energized when I came back to the blank page last fall, and now I finished my book! I'm doing revision work and I wrote short poems and works, some of which are getting published next year! If 2022/2023 Erin knew that? She'd think you were lying lol

Sometimes we just need those few months off while we go through changes or transitional eras of our lives, and there's no shame in it at all! Just remember your stories and projects are worth telling, but shame doesn't help at the end of the day. Just do your best each day, and before you know it, those days will add up to the next moment of your life when inspiration strikes and you write your next big thing

I hope this helped. Just remember, everything is temporary, and life happens in ebbs and flows like water. You'll be back to that headspace, but just remember to take care of yourself first and give yourself the love you need until you get there.

[lorriiraine]

End of 2024

A little reflection of 2024, also to make you all maybe understand my lack of actions here and on social media.

Trigger warning: self-hate, death, panic attacks, depression.

2024 was a very hard and testing year for me.

It started good. With friends, happy mood, my mental health was doing good again. Everything’s fine.

Then, one day in March, we needed to call the firefighters - an explosion in the apartment above us caused a big fire. I’ve spent 5 more minutes in my apartment to find my cats while multiply tiny explosions happened just above my head. Later we learned this man had some camping gas bottles in his apartment, leaking and catching fire. When we left our apartment, there was a thick wall of smoke. It took them 5 hours to kill the flames. I cried and panicked every minute of this time.

Our apartment was fine, nothing burned down, but none of the 50 families and people were allowed to go back into their homes. My husband and I became „homeless“ for a whole week. We found shelter at my mothers and then at his mothers place. I had nightmares of this man who was already a problem in the house for years and who nearly killed us now.

Back into the apartment we noticed some black mold behind shelves, caused by the water from the fire. I got sick, my cat got sick. I was crying nearly every day, wanting to move out. But money was low so there was no chance.

After some people came to take down the wallpaper, drying the wall, my health got better, my cat recovered.

Many things happened with my family - burglary with robbery, little accidents, it wasn’t nice.

My mental health was breaking more and more and I wished this nightmare could just end.

When I saw the guy who caused the explosion, I was kicked by panic attacks, crying, not able to breath. I needed the steady help of my husband to calm myself down again, to hold my hand and protect me. I was weak.

I went through hell this year. In private life, mentally, and in this community.

I don’t want to go into detail but since I saw my name was mentioned, making me the bad guy - it’s just half of the truth. I uploaded my point of view (not on the case now but what was going on in May/june, and just MY case) on my Instagram a few weeks ago, it’s still visible in my highlights and I won’t delete them, so check it out please. I’m just saying that I always wanted to help, like I always do. And I got backstabbed.

The whole situation around this person (I won’t call a name since it’s disrespectful and I want this whole shit show to end) just added to my breakdown. I was sick of everything. Of lying people, of betrayal, of talking shit about people you don’t even know. And I ended up coming to a point where I didn’t felt safe in this community anymore. I distanced myself from everything and sadly everyone.

I am so fucking thankful for my friends who are still there, checking in from now and then and hyping me back into the community, even if it will never be the same for me anymore. I see you. And I appreciate you. Also every single one of you who’s still here 🤍

Starting August I somehow feel at my lowest. De*th wishes, self doubts, thinking I don’t belong anywhere. I found myself at peace in another fan bubble, found back my motivation and worked hard again. Hogwarts Legacy was just a bitter taste at this moment.

I experienced the beautiful wedding of my best friend, damn she was so beautiful. It was a wonderful day, with a little drama around my husband who needed to see the ambulance after a little accident. But he’s fine.

Then he left for two weeks, business trip. I was alone with myself for two weeks. Enough time to think - and in my case in the negative way. I was at my lowest, I was at my end. No one was there to hold my hand, to talk me through a panic attack.

The whole way to my work I was thinking „wouldn’t be bad to speed up and drive against a tree I guess“ but I never tried. This thought was in my head only. But permanently, every single day.

Then in October something changed. I had a huge fight with my mother, we never had a fight. I drove back home screaming, hitting the wheel. Shortly after a family member passed away. But this was the turn.

A switch clicked. Suddenly I had contact to the family of my fathers side, the people I hadn’t contact since 4 years now, also caused by a conflict and I cut all chains to them, because my father wasn’t doing good to me this moment. But now it felt good. At the end of the day of the funeral, I ended up in my fathers arms, crying and forgiving each other. It felt good, and as if I needed it.

Time got better. No drama. No self doubts. Just the wish to finally heal. I had an appointment at one of my doctors and she really listened to me. Like, LISTENED. I told her about my mood swings and depression and also some darker thoughts. She didn’t hesitate and we started discussing if it could be caused or supported by my medication (birth control, thyroid). We’re trying things out, getting to see each other again in January, seeing how it’s working.

Which is also the part now where I want to say - I am NOT interested in childish internet arguments. Argumenting in situations like those which happened recently is like I’m talking to a wall. It won’t change anything. So I will distance myself from toxicity, for now, for the next year. I never heard a proper apology for badmouthing me behind my back, for ending on neutral terms then asking admins to kick me out of servers for nothing. For literally saying I don’t want to get involved and to clear problems in DMs with the person you have a problem with. For trying to help.

This childish behaviour then and recently just showed me again, that I need to take care of myself more. That I felt uncomfortable again. And if I want to heal, we need to stop this fight. I put on my statement not to spread hate against this person, the opposite. Since the person isn’t stopping and harassing my name and reputation, I posted it and will keep it up as my way of protection - the truth of my personal experience and the view I felt on my side.

The whole novel here should show - not only you are a human behind your account. We are too. We all are. And some of us eat enough shit in real life than to fight against childish people who play victim all over again without self reflection. Also I’m asking you all to ALWAYS hear both sides out. And never push someone into a conflict who wouldn’t be involved. You’re hurting them too this way.

I will start being active again, already am at Instagram and slowly coming back on TikTok too. So I hope I can get myself up to post my latest shootings here too 🤍

As I always said, I don’t want a witch hunt, I just want to enjoy this tiny bubble of safe heaven, having a good time in this short life. I want this drama to end and to not get involved. And I’m asking respectfully now - let’s stop this. And of course leave my friends alone. They’re all tired and sick of it, too. We all are at a point where it’s just getting embarrassing and ridiculous.

We want peace and enjoy the community.

But good news - We can FINALLY move out of this apartment! Next year I will try to heal, to feel better and to have a good time. And I wish you all also just the best for 2025. watch your mental health, stay safe, and if anyone is upsetting you, doing you not good, hurts you - cut them out. You deserve so much better.

Let’s all heal in 2025 🤍

Thanks for reading 🤍

Love you all, stay strong and safe,

if you ever need someone to listen to, I’m here. Have a wonderful Christmas time 🤍

[mryaksalot]

Plans for the rest of 2024 and beyond.

2024 has been a turbulent year for me, to say the least. I went into this year with an entire agenda as for what I wanted to accomplish in terms of writing. Little did I know how differently things would turn out for me.

My mental health back in March/April was not great if I’m being honest. I found myself not having nearly as much motivation to write as I did before. I decided to take a break from social media, fic-writing included, in order to work on my mental health. I’m happy to report that I’m doing a lot better now, and my motivation to write fics has increased significantly since June.

During my time away from the internet, I had time to reconsider what my intentions were when it came to my writing. I always enjoyed writing for the fun of it, but I also wanted my stories to stand out from the rest. I wanted to create something that was entirely unique, something that I can look at and be proud of.

The following is a list of all of the things I want to accomplish for the rest of 2024 and beyond, highlighting future stories as well as major changes in regards to my writing.

Backstory AU/The Road To Success

I’ve always viewed The Road To Success as my flagship story. I created this AU all the way back at the beginning of 2021. Hours upon hours have been put into fleshing out this AU into the multi-chapter saga. So many changes had to be made along the way(including starting the whole story over from scratch back in 2022). The story is now over 140k+ words, and it’s nowhere near finished.

Admittedly, I went a little overboard with how much thought and ideas went into this AU. I was not aware that this project would take so many months, even years, to put together. I don’t have an editor – I write, edit, proofread, and publish every one of my stories by myself. That takes a while to do.

Back in January 2023, The Road To Success went viral. This was around the time the 3rd and final season of the reboot came out, and AO3 was flocked with fans eager to catch the hype train. For a good few months, my story was gaining an immense amount of readership, which encouraged me to pump out as many chapters as possible in a short time frame.

But, like all hype trains, the excitement from the new season release cooled down. By the fall, the only fans left were diehards like myself. I was also experiencing some major burnout from pushing myself so hard. I had other responsibilities outside of social media like work, school etc. This burnout led to several delays of new chapter uploads.

During my break, I had time to rethink several components of my Backstory AU. I made a handful of changes to The Road To Success. The most prominent one was making the story much more Yakko-centric. I wanted to make a story showing how hard work and dedication to your craft can get you to places in life you’d never imagine. Yakko is the perfect character to convey that sort of message.

Initially, I wanted to include more character perspectives beside Yakko, but I ultimately decided to size it down. We’ll still see some of their perspectives (Wakko will get his own chapter at some point), but for the most part, the spotlight will remain on Yakko. This is his story, after all. Because of this, the current version of TRTS is much shorter than I originally drafted 2 years ago.

I have thought about expanding the universe even more with additional stories, but I have decided to hold off on that until I reach a certain number of chapters (you’ll understand when the time comes). I’m currently working on a 2-parter, chapters 17 and 18, which will take priority for the time being. I will save an announcement about bonus content for another day.

The Backstory AU has really become a passion project of mine. You can say it’s my magnum opus. I intend to take my time with future updates going forward. I used to pump chapters out as fast as I can, but I don’t really feel like I need to do that anymore. I feel like my content is better when I take my time to make sure everything is right. I want this AU to be executed to its full potential. Rome wasn’t built in a day, as the saying goes.

Oneshots/Additional projects

I have always been open to doing external projects on top of working on the Backstory AU and The Road To Success. Though recently, I have cut back on the amount of oneshots that I put out. There are two reasons for this:

1. The time I spend on these oneshots takes away time that I could be spending to write up the next chapter of The Road To Success. That story is a much higher priority to me, so I would like to put my time and effort into that before I decide to work on something else.

2. There really isn’t much demand for me to pump out as many oneshots now than there was 2 years ago. As I said in the hype train analogy, when a show gets new seasons/episodes, it draws fans to social media – it gives fic writers the motivation they need to push out new content. But now that the Animaniacs reboot has ended, a majority of the casual fanbase who had jumped onto that hype train had left to other fandoms.

But while the Animaniacs fanbase is much smaller now than it used to be, it allows me to focus less on the demand and more on the product itself – that product is the Backstory AU. I feel like I can take my time on new chapters knowing the diehard fan base will still be there. As long as there is an audience, I will write for as long as I still feel value in my work.

With that being said, I am going to be putting most of my focus on the AU going forward, rather than adding onto the load. I feel less anxious that way, knowing that I have a clear path in getting a fic done with little delay.

However, I am still open to doing oneshots in the not so distant future; I’m just putting priority on a bigger project at the moment. That might offset some readers who enjoy shorter content, but do know that all of my oneshots currently posted will remain on the platform for anyone to enjoy. Not to mention all the other great content getting posted on AO3. We’re a small, dedicated community, working together to make content for our own enjoyment.

But while I’m cutting back on individual oneshots going forward, I have something that you might enjoy.

Splats Of Ink/The Drabble Collection

Back in January, I decided to try my hand at a drabble collection. I saw that a couple of my fellow Animaniacs writers were doing it, so I thought “Why the heck not?” So far, I have written 6 entries to the collection, all of which have received decent feedback from readers.

I’m really enjoying doing the collection so far, because it gives me the chance to write out those strands of ideas floating around in my head. None of the drabbles in the collection are directly related to anything major, but that was the intention. The drabble collection is like my own personal sandbox – a place where I can figure out what works and what doesn't.

I won’t say yet what you can expect for future ideas for the collection; the collection itself is sporadic for the most part. But I would like to write out some deleted/extra scenes from The Road To Success which didn’t make it into the story. There is a lot of cut content from that story which I feel is still worth sharing. Other entries will include character study, and characters which I feel aren’t shined upon that often.

These drabbles will take the place of oneshots, and will typically be released during a wait period(when I’m in the midst of working on the next chapter of TRTS). As I said previously, I will still do oneshots on occasion, if I am able to come up with an idea that I can expand upon. For the most part, however, expect much more of the drabble collection in the near future.

Conclusion

If you made it all the way to the end, I just want to express how thankful I am to everyone who has supported me and my fics after all this time. I’ve been at this for 3 years now. I have made several new friends during my time here, and I’ve seen the talent of so many people in this community.

With that being said, I will be taking my time with my fics going forward. That doesn't mean I’m gonna quit necessarily, but I will be taking my time with my fics to ensure that they can hold up to their full potential. As long as there is still engagement in the fanbase, I will continue to write fic for as long as I still hold value to my craft.

If you have any questions about any of the information above, do not hesitate to ask. I will answer any questions you have, whether it’s about the Backstory AU or another project of mine. I want to be as transparent to you guys as I can.

Cheers.

[binniesoob]

yesterday I took my usual break from studying, I was celebrating taehyun's first post in days after what had happened and listening to soobin's live which, as always, helps me to take a moment off my mind and relax my nerves, when I learned in real time that moonbin passed away. i was shocked by the news and i couldn't believe it. i only know a few astro's songs and i've never been a fan of them, but i liked him a lot, i knew him a little bit through his time as an mc, for his solo music and his friendship with other idols, especially monsta x. i am very sorry that such a thing happened, i send my sincere condolences to his family and fans.

to any fan who may read this: please be kind to yourself, take the time you need, take a break from social media if needed, don't feel guilty if you don't feel like interacting with content (and i mean any type, even photos/posters), it's okay to not feel/want to listen to his music for a while. remember that it's never stupid to mourn someone, even if you never met them, your feelings are valid so let yourself feel them, cry if you need to, talk with someone. and please remember that someone else’s mental health struggles are never, ever, your responsibility, so don't blame yourself for what happened.

for anyone who finds and reads this: i may not know what you are going through, and i know the world is not an easy place at all, that it can be difficult to act due to difficult circumstances, that some people have much easier access to support and safe spaces than others.. but please take care of yourself, even on the hardest days. do what you can to put your health first always: take the time you need when you need it, get off social media when it gets too heavy, leave the people who hurt you behind even when it's hard, don't be ashamed to seek the help you may need. i hope you know that you are not alone, even if you feel like it, and you are loved, even when you think you aren't, and I hope there are and will be people in your life who show it to you how you deserve. i send you all my support for whatever you are going through. i truly hope better days are ahead of us.

and please always be kind and respectful to others as well, you never know what they are going through.

for a couple of months i've been struggling with things myself so I'm not in top shape, but if anyone needs to talk I'm here, even to just listen.

thank you for reading.

🤍

[driftingmoonmenace]

Tw vent

I'm still gonna take my break but I guess I just wanna get my thoughts out. I'll probably delete this later.

I guess I'm starting to think or realize that I'm severely burnt out or stressed out because of the pressures of social media and being 'present' in the fandom. My creativity over time has tanked and getting motivated to work on my AUs or draw or write is like non-existent. I have other stressors going on irl rn too, but I've just noticed over time the amount of frequent breaks I have to take from social media anymore because of my mental health.

It's not to say I dislike creating fandom stuff or anything. I still love Sun and Moon dearly, even tho my hyperfixation is nowhere near where it once was! I still enjoy seeing what people create! I still enjoy creating things for the fandom!

I guess I just can't help falling into the habit of feeling like I need to be more active, more social, worry over whats the best time to post stuff, compare myself to others, stress over posting sketches instead of full finished pieces. Writing and feeling so embarrassed over what I write. I know it's no one's fault but my own. I shouldn't stress over things like that and create for myself instead of others. I just live off validation at this point from years of drawing for others or money. I rarely draw for myself anymore. Validation makes me want to keep creating.

I stress over my 'inadequacies' of being a slow artist with no spoons and little to no motivation most days or leaving people on read and not replying because socializing stresses me out even though I enjoy it. Saying I'll do things and then backing out of them, showing how unreliable I am over and over again.

Idk fandom is just such a double edged sword to me and is something I very much enjoy and want to participate in, but also i get so overwhelmed with the pressure and expectations I put on myself. Fandom has changed so much over the past few decades and i feel like by not posting im becoming 'irrelevant' within the fast paced hellscape its become. It's frustrating.