#my2024

[tomboygays]

Something I had in mind for quite a while now..

[lorriiraine]

End of 2024

A little reflection of 2024, also to make you all maybe understand my lack of actions here and on social media.

Trigger warning: self-hate, death, panic attacks, depression.

2024 was a very hard and testing year for me.

It started good. With friends, happy mood, my mental health was doing good again. Everything’s fine.

Then, one day in March, we needed to call the firefighters - an explosion in the apartment above us caused a big fire. I’ve spent 5 more minutes in my apartment to find my cats while multiply tiny explosions happened just above my head. Later we learned this man had some camping gas bottles in his apartment, leaking and catching fire. When we left our apartment, there was a thick wall of smoke. It took them 5 hours to kill the flames. I cried and panicked every minute of this time.

Our apartment was fine, nothing burned down, but none of the 50 families and people were allowed to go back into their homes. My husband and I became „homeless“ for a whole week. We found shelter at my mothers and then at his mothers place. I had nightmares of this man who was already a problem in the house for years and who nearly killed us now.

Back into the apartment we noticed some black mold behind shelves, caused by the water from the fire. I got sick, my cat got sick. I was crying nearly every day, wanting to move out. But money was low so there was no chance.

After some people came to take down the wallpaper, drying the wall, my health got better, my cat recovered.

Many things happened with my family - burglary with robbery, little accidents, it wasn’t nice.

My mental health was breaking more and more and I wished this nightmare could just end.

When I saw the guy who caused the explosion, I was kicked by panic attacks, crying, not able to breath. I needed the steady help of my husband to calm myself down again, to hold my hand and protect me. I was weak.

I went through hell this year. In private life, mentally, and in this community.

I don’t want to go into detail but since I saw my name was mentioned, making me the bad guy - it’s just half of the truth. I uploaded my point of view (not on the case now but what was going on in May/june, and just MY case) on my Instagram a few weeks ago, it’s still visible in my highlights and I won’t delete them, so check it out please. I’m just saying that I always wanted to help, like I always do. And I got backstabbed.

The whole situation around this person (I won’t call a name since it’s disrespectful and I want this whole shit show to end) just added to my breakdown. I was sick of everything. Of lying people, of betrayal, of talking shit about people you don’t even know. And I ended up coming to a point where I didn’t felt safe in this community anymore. I distanced myself from everything and sadly everyone.

I am so fucking thankful for my friends who are still there, checking in from now and then and hyping me back into the community, even if it will never be the same for me anymore. I see you. And I appreciate you. Also every single one of you who’s still here 🤍

Starting August I somehow feel at my lowest. De*th wishes, self doubts, thinking I don’t belong anywhere. I found myself at peace in another fan bubble, found back my motivation and worked hard again. Hogwarts Legacy was just a bitter taste at this moment.

I experienced the beautiful wedding of my best friend, damn she was so beautiful. It was a wonderful day, with a little drama around my husband who needed to see the ambulance after a little accident. But he’s fine.

Then he left for two weeks, business trip. I was alone with myself for two weeks. Enough time to think - and in my case in the negative way. I was at my lowest, I was at my end. No one was there to hold my hand, to talk me through a panic attack.

The whole way to my work I was thinking „wouldn’t be bad to speed up and drive against a tree I guess“ but I never tried. This thought was in my head only. But permanently, every single day.

Then in October something changed. I had a huge fight with my mother, we never had a fight. I drove back home screaming, hitting the wheel. Shortly after a family member passed away. But this was the turn.

A switch clicked. Suddenly I had contact to the family of my fathers side, the people I hadn’t contact since 4 years now, also caused by a conflict and I cut all chains to them, because my father wasn’t doing good to me this moment. But now it felt good. At the end of the day of the funeral, I ended up in my fathers arms, crying and forgiving each other. It felt good, and as if I needed it.

Time got better. No drama. No self doubts. Just the wish to finally heal. I had an appointment at one of my doctors and she really listened to me. Like, LISTENED. I told her about my mood swings and depression and also some darker thoughts. She didn’t hesitate and we started discussing if it could be caused or supported by my medication (birth control, thyroid). We’re trying things out, getting to see each other again in January, seeing how it’s working.

Which is also the part now where I want to say - I am NOT interested in childish internet arguments. Argumenting in situations like those which happened recently is like I’m talking to a wall. It won’t change anything. So I will distance myself from toxicity, for now, for the next year. I never heard a proper apology for badmouthing me behind my back, for ending on neutral terms then asking admins to kick me out of servers for nothing. For literally saying I don’t want to get involved and to clear problems in DMs with the person you have a problem with. For trying to help.

This childish behaviour then and recently just showed me again, that I need to take care of myself more. That I felt uncomfortable again. And if I want to heal, we need to stop this fight. I put on my statement not to spread hate against this person, the opposite. Since the person isn’t stopping and harassing my name and reputation, I posted it and will keep it up as my way of protection - the truth of my personal experience and the view I felt on my side.

The whole novel here should show - not only you are a human behind your account. We are too. We all are. And some of us eat enough shit in real life than to fight against childish people who play victim all over again without self reflection. Also I’m asking you all to ALWAYS hear both sides out. And never push someone into a conflict who wouldn’t be involved. You’re hurting them too this way.

I will start being active again, already am at Instagram and slowly coming back on TikTok too. So I hope I can get myself up to post my latest shootings here too 🤍

As I always said, I don’t want a witch hunt, I just want to enjoy this tiny bubble of safe heaven, having a good time in this short life. I want this drama to end and to not get involved. And I’m asking respectfully now - let’s stop this. And of course leave my friends alone. They’re all tired and sick of it, too. We all are at a point where it’s just getting embarrassing and ridiculous.

We want peace and enjoy the community.

But good news - We can FINALLY move out of this apartment! Next year I will try to heal, to feel better and to have a good time. And I wish you all also just the best for 2025. watch your mental health, stay safe, and if anyone is upsetting you, doing you not good, hurts you - cut them out. You deserve so much better.

Let’s all heal in 2025 🤍

Thanks for reading 🤍

Love you all, stay strong and safe,

if you ever need someone to listen to, I’m here. Have a wonderful Christmas time 🤍

[chippothy]

YEAH??

curious about what's in store for you for 2024? :D

Let AO3 decide!

(Updated from 2023: Up-to-date tag bank, opt-in tag categories, optional dark mode! As always: proceed with informed consent.)

[kanaojg]

Growth of my Youtube channel 2024

[catronac7]

2024 Tumblr Top 10

1. 2,843 notes - Jun 29 2024

2. 1,929 notes - Jul 6 2024

3. 959 notes - Jun 25 2024

4. 506 notes - May 9 2024

5. 253 notes - Oct 26 2024

6. 250 notes - Sep 4 2024

7. 241 notes - Nov 1 2024

8. 237 notes - May 14 2024

9. 201 notes - Sep 13 2024

10. 175 notes - Feb 4 2024

Created by TumblrTop10

[sleepytoadvk]

It was great year. Maybe I will post some of my old arts here in a time.

Also, no arts survived hellfire of what my PC death was, so I lost all I got from January😭😭😭

[mightbelola]

Mostly Bitter

No one here at the airport knows that I had just lost my twins at birth three days ago. No one here knows I’m tearing my back wearing this brace thingy around my waist just so my back would stop collapsing because my legs are falling off. My head is about to explode, and I just want us to get out of here. My family thinks I’m crazy for leaving, but I hope they understand after all of that.

It’s bittersweet. Bitter, mostly.

We cried yesterday. We cried our heart out. When he cried like that, I realized how it had hit him just as hard as it hit me. They were his children too, you know. He was so happy, he was so positive the girls were going to be healthy, and they were, and that in probably three months from now, we’re going to have twenty fingers, twenty toes swaddled in a travel cot, all dressed up in twin strollers, strolling around the park, two baby carriers over his shoulders, one on his front, one on his back. I would be with my camera, can’t decide whether to film it all for memories or just live in the present because the present would’ve been too beautiful for us to take our eyes away. He was so happy dreaming about it all and just so, so quickly, our dream turned out to be our worst nightmare.

We went to see the place where they’re resting. He held my hand so tightly because he knew how nervous I was. For a moment, I felt completely disconnected. I was trying to feel them, but I couldn’t. One moment they’re kicking me so hard, and one sudden moment later, they’re gone. The only connection we had was that one thing, their kicks. When I can’t feel them anymore, I feel so lost, so empty.

I saw their graves, just two stones without names, and my head went blank. I didn’t know what to say.

But,

”I’m really sorry you had to go. I’m sorry I couldn’t hold you longer. You were there, weren’t you? Why can’t we keep you? Why did you have to go too soon?”

I don’t know.

Only if I knew.

I guess I could’ve known. I could’ve known not to do too much. I didn’t know how too much was.

Should’ve just stayed in bed, shouldn’t have done all that. Shouldn’t have run errands, should’ve cooked the cats. Maybe, I shouldn’t have come back after all. Maybe it was all my fault. Maybe all of it was wrong.

I still don’t know.

All I know is that, if I want to start over, I have to know what went wrong, or why, or will we be okay again?

Because right now we’re a mess.

Everyone at home keeps reminding me to rest, take it easy, don’t do anything, just lie down, drink tea, sleep, live.

I feel like I just woke up from death. I feel like a ghost.

I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.

Back in Medalla I had it all figured out, but I’m back here, still can’t decide whether to take a rest and fix my broken back, or to start cleaning the kitchen counter, or the boxes in the bedroom, clothes on the toilet floor, or to unpack the bags, or to do dishes, or sleep, or eat, or shower, or cry. So many possibilities, none of them interesting.

I don’t know when we’ll be okay again.

“But hey, I wish I could stay awake to welcome you. I was so weak I passed out on your birthday. But when we last said goodbye, we stood there under that black umbrella in the sun, looking back at you, your dad and I. How are you real? It feels impossible. Sad you had to go too soon, good thing is we will never forget you. I hope you know that I will think of you everyday and every night until the moment I die. And even after I die, when this is all over, I hope I know how to get to you. I hope we will see each other again. I really hope so because how do I love you forever already when we had just met? I thought you were mine for a while. I thought I had you. But I really can’t lose you now so, please come find me later, if you can.”

[maharbaikkaz]

pagi ini kami bangun agak siang,. ku pikir bisa menidurkannya lagi agar aku bisa bersiap lebih awal dan selesai dengan cepat,. ternyata dia ingin menemani,. jadilah gerakku lebih lambat, menuntunnya, menggendongnya, menyalakan tv untuknya. bahkan melakukan urusan pribadi sambil mengawasinya dengan pintu terbuka.

setelah ku pikir semua akan berjalan dengan baik, dia tantrum. bokongnya merah -kurasa dia iritasi, jadi ku olesi minyak kelapa murni untuk melembabkan kulit dan meringankan iritasinya.

pada waktunya harus bekerja, dia jadi tantrum, ingin dipeluk dan dimanja, padahal sudah sejak pagi kami bergumul saling peluk dan tertawa, ternyata,.. semakin lama bukannya semakin cukup, melainkan semakin butuh untuk lebih lama lagi.

dia menagis sampai tangannya ikut tersiram kuah sayur yang baru saja matang,. haaahhh,.. maafkan aku yaa Rabb,. aku menghela nafas untuk kejadian yang sudah ditakdirkan. lalu saat hendak menyiapkan alat pumping dan ice pack, ternyata kedua benda itu sudah ada didalam tas, yang artinya asip yg kuperah kemarin, botol dan ice packnya tidak dikeluarkan. lagi-lagi hatiku mencelos, aku harus membuangnya ke tempat sampah karena asinya sudah rusak, dan tidak bisa membawa alat pumping karena kondisinya tidak siap, waktu terus berjalan,. "aku tidak bisa optimal di tempat kerja"

aku ingin membiarkan waktu berjalan dan masa bodo dengan keterlambatan, tapi aku ingat alasan awal aku bekerja. sehingga pagiku selalu dipenuhi keterburu-buruan,. sesuatu yang tidak ingin aku lakukan tapi seseorang dikepala ku terus berteriak "cepat! cepat! Cepat!" disisi yang lain ada seorang wanita lembut yang melambaikan tangan sambil bilang "go,. life in the moment"

26.1.2024

ternyata tidak ada hari sempurna bagi seorang ibu, hari dimana semua berjalan sesuai dengan keinginan, hari-hari seperti itu rasanya tidak akan pernah ada. sebab hari -hari itu ada di dunia, dan ini menegaskan betapa fana nya kehidupan dunia ini,. betapa tidak sempurna-nya.

setiap hari adalah hari dengan berbagai emosi, cerita dan pengalaman baru, jalani saja,. nanti kamu akan terbiasa dan mulai bisa melihat kebahagiaan-kebahagian kecil yang berharga,. fluktuasi keadaan yang membuatmu selalu teringat padaNya.

[funmintix]

my2024 for pecco

[simplesimperey]

💕🎀🦷benxkenji? In MY2024?🦷🎀💕

[tomboygays]

*throws these and vanishes*

[tylered-up-in-blue]

genderqueer, annoying, best walker in the service x deeply emotional but grizzled old Irish alcoholic #my2024

[ribbons-in-autumn]

it's my2024 or something

[risingsunresistance]

the /my2024 command released and the difference here is really funny to me

fell off 😔

[k1ira]

#selfimprovement #my2024