#narcassist abuse

[vorpal-doll]

Some people really ain’t shit.

You made me feel crazy; you deflected, manipulated, and gaslit me to hell to cover your own ass.

You were so emotionally abusive. Throwing tantrums at 30 years old? Hitting yourself and hitting other things? Throwing water bottles?

Oh, but there is “nothing you wish you did different”… there’s nothing you think you did wrong. You’re at “peace”. But in reality, you were being a very shitty person.

You let me believe I was the problem; and I carried that guilt & pain for months. You left me so abruptly, never speaking to me again… and you made me believe I ruined it. That I was such a horrible problem. I didn’t know the actual reasoning. But you put me through a different type of mental torture, just to find out while I sat through all this pain; you became this fuckboy on Twitter and want to be with someone else already? Calling her hot and sexy? Telling her you’d be the luckiest guy on the street to be walking with her? Yet you couldn’t even actually tell her about the MOST important thing that happened in your life..?

Quite honestly, I’m so embarrassed. I truly feel stupid. For what I felt for you & for the people who have found your Twitter and recognized you were once with me.

You are so unoriginal; another breed of immature. No wonder it was easy for you to just leave and never speak to me, you had other people that entire time. Bravo! you are officially like every other guy, except worse!

No wonder sane women run away and go ghost on you. And you HATE it. It hurts your ego. Yet you do it to others, you become the ghost to people who don’t deserve it. Or at the very least deserve a reason why.

You’re so miserable inside and you use that misery to hurt people. Like a dark ass cloud. It must be hard to carry all of that negativity and all of those lies you create to make yourself look/feel better … all that pity. Everything you carry to avoid realizing just how bad it actually is.

But sure keep changing who you are to match a girl you think you want to be with for a minute. Keep up with that poetry that I’ve never seen you write before, but all of a sudden you’re a poet?

Enjoy your new supply while it lasts :)

We all know how it goes 💋

PS; choke.

[pix-writes]

"Ford is grateful for your patience and willingness to be involved in his life, especially as he knows he wasn't good at opening up to you when you were starting to become friends let alone a relationship." This is from Stanford HC, and I find it very interesting! How would he act at the beginning of the relationship? What does it take for him to become friends with someone, and that evolves into romance?

My thinking behind this part of my HCs is what Ford has been like through the series, he is shown throughout multiple media in the GF series, that he has continually pushed people away as part of his wound of feeling isolated due to his intellect and polydactly. Through this wound he's actually developed over the course of the series and his time in the portal a lone genius hero archetype that he wants to fit into, to compensate for the hurt he has continually felt from others and being an 'outsider'. (I could go into this in more depth about where this comes from in his childhood and how it affects his outlook when he comes across bill/building the portal, honeslty, but this is the jist of what I want to get across).

(rest under cut)

It's only really once we get to weirdmageddon and post-oddpocalypse, that Ford's arc comes full-circle into healing this wound for good --> as we know Ford has a fair few people in his life who love/care for him, in the past (Bill era) he was unable to see it, but once he exits the portal he begins to care for the twins and value them (and stan, even though he doesn't show it); this makes him take a similar route in trying to defeat Bill still largely on his own, because he doesn't want the people he loves to be in danger and blames himself for Bill's hold on their dimension, thus Ford thinks it's his problem to deal with --> Once they start working together to defeat Bill is the turning point for him to realise that he was wrong and that in order to defeat Bill, you have to work together. [I think he even says that he realises he was foolish for thinking he had to go it alone and that there are people who love him that he can share the buren with, I think in Journal 3 or TBOB (can't remember which rn).] I would argue that it's not until Stanley's great sacrifice in order to save the kids/the world, after screwing up the circle magic thingy, that reality hits him like a ton of bricks and he starts being more open and quickly starts to heal his biggest character wound.

So, considering this in a potential relationship, I think Ford, is generally closed-off, which hasn't helped him in the romance department in his life in the past! Whilst I can see the judgement of others and his outsider status socially would impact this as well, being closed-off and individualistic means that when he does come across someone who would be a good prospective partner, he just... assumes they'd not be interested or overlooks them because he's doing something important and isn't thinking of romance in the moment, so if the other person flirts with him he's not good on picking it up. [I'm finding this all terribly relatable!]

With the insecurity from his wound on top of this, it doesn't make for a good mix, Fiddleford, for example, was not only an assistant but quite a great friend to Ford that he didn't appreciate at the time and due to the added influence of Bill wanting to isolate him from people, Fiddleford ended up having his attempts of deeper connection being thrown back in his face! Whilst a lot of this was unintentionally done on Ford's part, he did tell him when he left that he "didn't need anyone". In the past at Backupsmore Uni, he says that there's not a lot of people he finds 'smart enough' to be on his level to be friends with - which is textbook classic defensiveness to reverse that 'no-one understands me' mentality into something that props up his ego instead. Pushing people away means that he won't have to face the rejection he continually experienced in his childhood, but it means he's potentially pushed away people who could like him as well!

So, I think that in the beginning of a budding friendship/potential relationship, Ford would not be the best at connection or communicating his feelings openly, he'd likely step on other people's toes (metaphorically) in social situations, without realising or meaning to offend someone.

That said, I think it'd be easy for him to become interested in someone who is clearly talented and intelligent, someone who similarly values higher education yet also has a similar love for that which doesn't fit the norm/is bizarre. Perhaps someone who is also deemed a societal 'outsider'. He's been feeling lonely for so long that if you're persistent and kind and can get him to talk on the subjects he loves, he'll start to see you as a friend. I think that being kind and thoughtful with gestures (acts of service) and gifts either to him or his grand-niece/nephew are other things that will make you stand out from the crowd, too, for him to see you as a genuine good person and friend.

However, he will struggle to open up and to let out his natural self (nerdy, passionate, dedicated, 'weird'), so it will take a while to deeply connect to Ford if you're friends, and even longer for him to realise you're interested in him romantically and to act on it.

I think in that stage of 'good friends that are attracted to each other', he would have fallen for you fast; but at the same time he doesn't trust that you are romantically interested in him, even if you have said that you are, part of his mind tells him that it's a trick, a joke. You might think you want to be with him, but you'll leave him soon enough when you realise he's so inexperienced in romance/relationships etc, etc. I think a lot of his old wounded mentality would surface and he's try to push you away, if you get together post-weirdmageddon, or would just shoot you down intentionally/unintentionally if you get together beforehand. Furthermore, he has been a 'loner' for most of his life, particularly after 30 years in the portal, so it's difficult at first in a relationship to share the more mundane things, since he's used to being on his own.

Ford would overthink things to the point of anxiety at the very beginning of a relationship and make it more awkward than if he just relaxed! ^^' He's a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to planning dates, too (reminds me of dipper with the list lol), though it's sweet, cause he cares so much to make it good for you! Once it goes wrong a couple times, you'll both find the humour in it and he'll realise he's being foolish again and relax a little. You'll have to give him reassurance and go at his slow pace in the start of a relationship and he'll find some confidence, probably quicker than either of you anticipated too! He's liked you for a long time by the time you get together, so whether he intends to or not his passionate nature leaks through ;)

[traumatizeddfox]

we seriously need to change the language when it comes to abuse. narc abuse does not exist. abusers can have mental disorders, triggers, or traumas but that does not mean people with the same disorder is abusive.

when i first realized i was abused i fell down the narcissistic abuse tiktok trail, i started to believe the only reason my ex was abusive was because he had NPD (he is diagnosed) but then after more of my own research, and conversations with people who are diagnosed with NPD, I realized that abusers are just abusers, and that a lot of people with this disorder are the ones being abused, ostracized from society and not taken serious.

The thing about abusers is they all share the same brain cell, which is why you can list off 10 things most abusers do and a lot of victims will relate. I get countless anons of victims telling me things their abusers did, and I can usually 8/10 times relate on some kind of level, because abusers, again literally only share one brain cell.

The issue with this is abuse has been almost synonymous with the word "narcissist". The amount of shit you see with "Narc abuse", when it's really just abuse. People making countless posts about "how to spot a narcissist, how to fix the narc", etc and I can guarantee you that not all of these abusers have NPD.

BUT we live in such a world of "what about me", so when people try to break the stigma of NPD, victims assume you're telling them they weren't abused. They mention x y z thing that their abuser did, they bring up their mother who maybe was one and maybe their abuser does have NPD, but then these same people want to scream about mental health awareness. They want to say that "Your disorder is not your story", or that everyone with a disorder deserves love, respect, therapy and help but once anyone with a disorder that isn't socially acceptable, it's as if these people turn a blind eye to anyone with a disorder that isn’t classified as worthy. No one is telling you to respect or love the piece of shit who abused you, hurt you, bullied you. Fuck that, but we HAVE to stop associating abuse with npd. if we want to make a change to mental health and the stigma, we need to do with all disorders.

People make these videos, blogs, books, posts, etc on narcissists like they arent...human. The stigma has turned anyone with cluster B personality disorders into something hideous, when really, most of these people are born this way, or deep rooted trauma. BUT when people hear this, they think its giving an excuse. No one is telling you that you have to love ur abuser who might be a narcissist, or that mental disorders = pass. No. Your abuser can have NPD, OCD, depression, etc and be a completely terrible person, and no one is giving them a pass. (Maybe some might but thats a completely different story.) but to just assume NPD = abuser and abuser = npd, is incredibly ableist, but people aren't ready for that one.

The way people talk about people with NPD like they are monsters, and ghouls waiting in the dark corners of the street, waiting to snatch their next victim (who they always describe as being an empath because these people think having empathy = being a good person, when most people aren't even empaths.) They like to romanticize their abuse as well. Talking about how narcissists spot victims who are so "kind, loving, wonderful, special." They try to make it this thing that it's not. Abusers do not abuse you because you are special. they abuse you because they are abusers. Your abuser is a piece of shit who deserves to die because they are an abuser. not because they have a disorder.

period.

[ur-all-fucking-idiots]

Ppl r fine with me and my disorders until I actually show the fucking symptoms. Until I actually experience psychosis and try to kill a person. Until I don't regret making fun of ppl. Until I can't admit that I'm wrong bc my ego gets in the fucking way.

Like womp womp bitch I gave u warning wtf did u think was gonna happen???

[crabussy]

I LOVE AND APPRECIATE MY FRIENDS WITH NPD 👊👊👊👊👊👊💥💥💥 OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sad-butsassy]

just a friendly reminder

you’re allowed to talk about what they did to you, and how it hurt you.

and it doesn’t matter how they feel about you talking about it

you aren’t living in a “victim mindset” by sharing your story.

if they wanted people to think they were nicer, they should’ve been nicer.

[hell-hxund]

I feel like im starting to get more and more violent as i get older and the numbness is still there i cant catch feelings for anything because i just grow to hate and hate i dont understand this and not even manipulating people is bringing satisfaction anymore i crave something more. If anyone can help me find answers to whats wrong with me please dm

[wormfood420]

So much of my problem with people who talk about ‘narcissistic abuse’ is like how would you know? It’s so hard to draw the line between what was done purposefully and what was done as a result of a person in pain. I’ve been abused, and he sucked, and he was full of himself, but he also hated himself deeply. Still to this day I can’t tell what he did on purpose and what wasn’t on purpose. What he did consciously and what he did unconsciously. And from my understanding what constitutes narcissistic abuse, is that they’re aware of everything they’re doing, and how it affects you, because they want that result to get something specific out of you. And HOW HOW are you to tell what they were doing on purpose and what they weren’t. You cannot read their mind! Now if they went into detail telling you about everything they did to you and why they did it and it was all planned out or for a specific purpose, to get something specific out of you. OR if they were formally diagnosed and shared that information with you. Then yes you can call it that and cry as much as you want, but you can’t just label someone like that.

Also the differences in the effects of narcissistic abuse vs regular emotional and/or physical abuse are so insanely hard to determine! How can you determine something like that! You can’t! So you can’t claim to have had it worse than anyone, you can’t claim to be more traumatized than anyone. That’s not how any of this works.

[poemprincess22]

HARDEST LESSON

I finally see the daylight.

After the darkest night.

Scariest time of my life.

I can finally breathe in clean air.

It was only ever toxic there.

I was powerless and I was scared.

Took a long time to even see

The damage you inflicted upon me

All the times you'd start a fight and call me crazy.

You went and took the parts of me I loved best

Caused so much drama and fucked with my head.

Sleeping with her on the side but at night you'd be in our bed.

If disappointment had a name, it'd be you

Thought at first you were great, oh if only I knew

That you were great at anything but telling the truth.

So I'm walking away from this roller-coaster ride from hell

Getting off of your super high shelf.

And I'm shutting you out while standing up for myself.

And you will never again have the power to hurt me.

I know your little tricks and quite frankly you are not deserving.

And I'm honestly so glad we never got married.

And as much time as it took to heal from my burns.

You will go down as one of the hardest lessons I've ever had to learn.

[dancesingay]

My mom physically assaulted me yesterday and pulled my hair over me buying a going away present for the neighbors.

[mental-space-x]

These days I find people are a red flag to me! ;)

What personality trait in people raises a red flag with you? I find people who are too friendly/happy/charming to be concerning. It usually means that they are hiding something. At best they’re hiding a deeply unhappy or insecure person, at worst, there could be a narcassist lurking there. There are a couple of people on this island that give off an overly enthusiastic, happy persona. I find…

[otomesiren]

FFXIV PSA: Beware of Narseth D’havi on Seraph/Dynamis and Moogle/Chaos

Beware of Narseth D'havi on FFXIV (lodestone is linked). He puts up a nice front, but behind that is a toxic, manipulative, and gaslighting liar.   

He has emotionally hurt me to the point where I couldn't go to sleep, had a nightmare that was very graphic, couldn't eat, cost me out of $500+ for a job I couldn't complete due to my mood dropping due to the constant messaging of how his "day was ruined", could barely talk about this entire thing that he told me about before caving in to tell my close friend, boyfriend, and outside friends who didn't play the game.  I was expected to keep what he told me to myself.  He had tried to make me promise to not tell my friends when that is nigh impossible for me.

This was too much for me to read and listen to from him.  I'm not a therapist.  I am not trained in this nor do I pretend to be one.  What he did was load upon load of what he claimed happened (even breaking his own promise to not MENTION IT when i told him to refrain) to the point where I was emotionally drained and triggered, both from past experiences, but this was far worse.

Expecting the average person to contain all this when they're not qualified to handle such immense emotional reactions and then blame them for taking action like I did is wrong and ridiculous.  I was treated like utter shit and a fool by him.

Hello, I hardly go on here but this has been on my mind to post a beware of him since March of this year.  He frequents Twitter and I’m not going to post this over there since I don’t feel safe on there as I do here.  More so now thanks to El*n’s bullshit.  Plus this post is 24 pages long.  I don’t have that patience to slice it up.  The goal of this is to get this out is to warn people to stay the fuck away from this abusive piece of shit. This post may upset someone or more and to them I say this: I've been dragged into this and then treated as if i have no fucking right or say about it especially if said ex friend is an abusive bastard who just wants to get his cake and eat it too and then complains about it worse than what I see in retail of how it's not how it's made to his liking, how he wasn't catered to, it's by the book manipulation and gaslighting and overall abusive.  

I did my best remembering and searching what I could in Discord since some did happen in game.  Some proof is below at the very end.  I’m not going to show all since it’s not needed and most of the story is not mine to tell nor show.  My POV is what he spoke to me about and one part that shows his true colors without me there.  That.  Is.  It.   I'm not going to search through more in Discord since I would have to unblock him to jump to his messages or try to remember what I said 5+ months ago and then scroll in hopes to see what I’m looking for or spend x mount of hours trying to find it.

This post is edited as much as I can with the help of two very close friends of mine.  I didn’t get time to ask those who doesn’t know the story to have a complete outsider view (I don’t know how else to explain that).  In case you didn’t get the gist from above, this is a very heavy long post that has subjects of the following mentioned:

gaslighting

manipulation

disturbing nightmare with violence is mentioned and summarized (my own nightmare after a year of not having one)

mention of panic attacks/anxiety 

immense anger (lots of cussing, it’s how I unleash the emotion and I damn well deserve to unleash it after all the shit he put me through.  I know people can be affected by this since one of my dear friends has it)

pet passing (my own)

If I missed one, I’m sorry.  I finally felt ready to post this tonight and the sooner it’s out there, the better it is to warn others about him.

His character/guild/twitter/discord accounts  His main’s lodestone: https://na.finalfantasyxiv.com/lodestone/character/42388617/ His new main: https://na.finalfantasyxiv.com/lodestone/character/49016648/ as of August 17th 2024. His alts: https://na.finalfantasyxiv.com/lodestone/character/47595294/ https://na.finalfantasyxiv.com/lodestone/character/47594784/ His “alleged” alt: https://na.finalfantasyxiv.com/lodestone/character/29042799/ His FC/guild: https://na.finalfantasyxiv.com/lodestone/freecompany/9280370719638690199/ His twitter accounts: https://twitter.com/NarsethXIV (deleted) https://twitter.com/DarKye (protected) Discord: narseth, ID is  617822537040003092 (used to be DarKye, I don’t remember the numbers that Discord used to have after usernames)

For some backstory: I met him on PWI in 2009ish along with others when I joined the guild, Aesthetic.  We only played dungeons and did guild events.  We fell out of touch but added our guildees to FB and then Steam since it was all the rage then.  Throughout the years, we haven't spoken to each other (the rest of the guildees I have lost completely out of contact) as the years went by. Sometime early 2022 I think, I get in touch with him again after I noticed he was playing FFXIV on Steam.   I just recently got back into it at the time and have caught up to the expansion pack and told him, “hey let's meet in game”.  So we did.  He was in another server and we hung out at the time.  We also added each other on Discord, his user on there was DarKye (his typical username in games and other places)  before he changed it recently to narseth with Discord's questionable change of usernames.

We went to our first venue together sometime in July 2022 when we saw some ads in shout chat.  I found to have loved it, and he did too for a while.  We found out twitch djs were a thing and I got a very much needed break from work for three to four days, almost a week, and found out by staying up to the ungodly wee hours that hard bass made me relax and chill out before bed when years ago, I had found it to be uncomfortable to listen to.  I could finally get some sleep that came easily to me for once.  After that break I had from work, he told me he couldn't keep going for a few days due to work.  That didn’t bother me at all, he had to get up early and I understood since he was hours ahead of me in South America.  I was terrified at first going by myself, but it's a good thing I did.

As I went by myself from mid July to August (i did still invited him to come with, but he said no a few times but he did come to one when I told him how awesome it was with the skill/light show), I met six new friends whom I got along great with and dragged my fc leader/close friend into it too since she was curious about it herself. August was something special, on the 15th I met my boyfriend of 11 months now, I'll name him T, and we hit it off immediately.  We stayed up till 5am in the morning despite both of us having work the next day.  During this, I barely messaged Narseth on discord, while in game he was silent or messaged in fc here and there but hardly on Discord except when he wanted to share something.  I soon found out that he felt like a bother and that led to him not messaging me since he was doing his MSQ.  I was already done with mine but I had told him before many times to always send me a msg to fan about it.  Even when I brought up I was always on Discord - I practically live on it, he said he felt like a bother.  Keep this in mind.

Once Aug 30th hit, I asked out T and he said yes.  I kept hanging out with my new friends, old friend, and T as we went to venues.  I had since given up trying to invite Narseth with us.  There was a time where I saw him much after in the year at a venue but 

It wasn't until sometime in October that I found out Narseth was interested in someone in game.  He wouldn't tell me who yet but he sounded happy.  He told me that he knew how fast it was being since it was just two weeks, just like mine was, so i didn't think much about it until that day in November when I met his intended.  One he didn’t even wait to introduce me when i told him and warned him i would give him so much shit (teasing, mind you) that he didn’t even introduce me before he proposed to her in game.  Keep the teasing in mind too.  

When I met her with my friend and T, we behaved like we always did.  I soon found out much much later that night that he was very upset by it.  He told me that I was too harsh with my teasing [in front of her] and got mad about the three of us teasing him to me ONLY, in DMs on discord.  (He also admitted that he felt good to pay me back when one of his friends refused to call me my correct name in game vs my nickname that friend of his gave me.  That was the first red flag I should’ve fucking noticed.)  But the reality was that he didn't want to look "foolish" in front of the one he lied about.  In turn, he turned the blame completely unto me: how I hadn’t hung out with him despite me trying to make conversation with him. I told him the very same that even if I do msg him, he barely messages back or even forgets.  Latter I understood, but it was why I didn't even hang out or talk with him anymore.  He didn't seem to be interested in talking to me at all or do anything but focus on his intended whom he greatly replied to very fast to is what I was told.

The way he typed to me in Discord during that conversation was very condescending and rude.  He treated me like I did nothing or put any effort to hang out or do anything with him when I did, in fact, tried to include him, tried to talk - practically everything.  He acted like he didn’t know me and he didn’t at ALL now that I look back on it. It felt utterly wrong to be spoken to in this way, text or not.  My fear of confrontation and hurting a friend when really it was ME being hurt not him, caused a very bad panic attack:  I felt a sick sensation in my stomach.  I hadn’t had one this bad since starting college years ago.  It freaked me out, shooting my anxiety to where I couldn't eat for days.  I could barely sleep.  For three to four days. I missed out on work but this was just the beginning of these attacks.  I never mentioned this attack to him at all but it was bad to the point I couldn't focus on anything and I cried.  A fuck ton.  I hold my friends in high regards and making them upset makes me feel bad, but never to this degree that sent me shaking and had bile in my throat to the point where I felt like I was wrong.  When in fact, I wasn’t.  I was being manipulated and gaslighted to the point of bending to his way and will of how a friend of his should act.  I had merely been myself as I always was, and suddenly, somehow, in front of her, it wasn’t ok to tease him like how I usually did.  My body knew subconsciously that what he did was emotional abuse and it was the start of feeling this “friendship” wasn’t really one since then. I felt like walking on eggshells each time since  I promised I wouldn't tease him after that.  Which I upheld but without that, it wasn’t me.   My bf and close friends also found it very strange when I told them what had happened.  

If only I fucking knew what came next in December.

December, a week or so before the holidays, i found him fcless (guildless).  He was upset.  He told me why and I wished he didn't when I asked.  This was the beginning of many and I do mean many of "she did this and this" and at the start, I was concerned.  I was concerned throughout until I found out the truth.  Who the fuck wouldn’t be? But I digress.  He told me to never bring it up to what he told me that day to her.  I promised not to.  He also tried to make me promise that I couldn't tell my friend in game but that is literally impossible.  I already began to.  More so when the same thing weeks after weeks of him being a sack of shit when really he painted her as the one.  On the 18th, it affected me so greatly that i had a nightmare for the first time in a long time.  This nightmare was graphic and disturbing.  I told him about it after he said he would like to hear it after I warned him it was bad.    I also shared it to my bf and my friend.  DETAILS OF THE DREAM AHEAD, skip to the next paragraph that has “ ****** Christmas”. The dream was a man was attacking a woman and i could hear the woman screaming.  Blood was on the floor as each attack took place.  Each attack was a stab as a knife and I could hear. 

.

.

.

.

****** Christmas came.  I had a Secret Santa ready for my friend group and I was participating in the one I joined that he refrained from inviting me until I pointed it out in game. Needless to say, he ruined  Christmas for me.  At the time though, I thought it was for a friend who needed help/advice and yet, it was just the start.  At first, he told me vaguely about why he was upset and then told me he missed my birthday party in game held at my bf’s friend’s venue due to something coming up.  I’m not going to say what exactly, but he told me what had happened and it made sense why he couldn’t make it.  I understood and told him not to worry about it since there was always the next time.  

New Years came, they “fought”/”argued” (his words) again and he swore he was done this time.  Ha.  I saw gposes(group photos) of the two all lovey dovey in a server I was in with them. This, I think, was the start of my many serious reactions of her being brought up again and again.  More so that he would rather stay with the woman he painted as toxic when he knew I had experience with an ex that supposedly did the same thing he painted of her doing to him.  It just made no sense the more as it went on and every time it happened, I wanted to message her to tell her to let go.  I threatened to cut him off since here I was, being told something else and then he went and post those gposes as if everything was ok?  It just didn’t line up, and it affected me greatly since i had exp with an ex that said nice sweet words, and everything he was claiming she was doing: flirting, crossing boundaries to name a few. It was making me shake in anger and wanting to msg her and when i mentioned it one time, he said don't.  When I got too angry about her, he didn't like it.  He told me to stop or calm down whenever I did.  Plus, he kept saying “You don’t have the full story” over and over again.

On the 12th of January, Narseth and I had a vc (voice cat).  I'm not sure if this is the one I was emotional in since we had just two about her.  I wish i never did vc with him, he sounded like he really just didn’t give a fuck what I said despite a very serious convo much later that he “valued” what i said.  He had told me that vcing is easier too, though to me it was just to hide it.  He kept giving her excuses despite telling me the bloody opposite that he’s done when he told her that he wasn’t letting go.  Over and over like a damn broken record.  It caused me to get even more upset when i was already emotional on the vc. He didn’t care a single cent that I was not in the mental capacity to do this and yet, he had called me on Discord.  I had already shared my experience from an ex already and he wanted me in vc?  When it was obvious that I would be affected by it?

What was i thinking, is what i ask myself in the past and probably some whom are reading.  And the answer is simple: He was a friend.  Friends I try to be there for them. Plus, I “knew” how he felt in this picture that he painted that turned out to be a lie.  I thought he needed help even if it was harsh at times because i knew it was going to hurt.

We had another serious talk.  It felt like he didn’t want to talk about it and my guess was right.  He was too tired so I waited for the morning barely getting any sleep.  It had affected me again, as it always does.  This time, our talk was way worse.  When I asked him if we could, he said “Would it be productive?”  (turns out to be his favorite fucking word after “listen”).   I told him flat out i didn’t know and he explained how it was going good, that “we’re doing better”.  That they were fine.  I felt...relieved, now knowing it was okay, but also some part of me wondered “Is this really ok?”

On Feb 8th, my cat, Benny, started to not eat. I took him to the vet with my dad the next day since he had a history of having hard stools in his later years. He sadly passed away on Feb 13th due to kidney failure after I tried to syringe feed him.  He had been in the worst shape.  I also heard him dying the day he died.  My friend who had worked in the field told me that by the time we hear the noises, they’re already gone. I was shaken up.  I could barely eat.  Sleep.  I cried on and off.  I never felt so upset as I did when my precious boy passed.  I took off work f grieve since I was in no way mentally capable of going in and dealing with anyone.  I was crying at the drop of a hat.  He was my precious boy.  I heard his last moments in my bathroom when he woke me up.  It still makes me cry to this day.   And Narseth knew most of this and yet, he still brought her up again not even a week AFTER or to even wait few more weeks so i could mourn.  I was not, in any good mental state, to hear any of what he had to say about her that racked up my anger, made me lose sleep, and just outright being affected by it.  Only this time, I felt numb since i was grieving. I was exhausted.  I was tired.  I brushed it off to him with “I’m taking you to the spa" in a halfhearted joke.

When I got my house on the 20th of Jan in game of ffxiv (after the housing was now lottery), he told me I would have to tolerate her since she would be building with him.  I said no promises.  He showed me a screen of them two crafting after i showed him one of mine and my bf crafting.  For once, i had no reaction but it wasn't until later that day when he brought her up again that it upset me again. And again another day.  It was building and building and finally, I had enough.

It was the 25th of Feb when a friend showed me that they were in game and showed me a screenshot of Narseth in the same location with the very one he claimed he was “done with”.  This was after he said to me that he would talk with her to end it days ago after calling it toxic to the billionth fucking time at this point.  

I messaged (sent a tell/whisper/private message) him in game and asked him what the fuck was he doing.  He said they were fine.  I said he told me he was done that night.  I was livid.  I logged out and then I then messaged him on Discord after, telling him he was being pathetic.  He told me to stop.  I refused.  I was done. I meant what I said that since he wouldn’t cut her off, I would cut him off.  I sent a message to her right after on Discord, telling her to get away from him.  When she didn’t reply, i messaged him on twitter showing what i sent to her.  I knew he would be mad, and didn’t care at this point.  My gut was right however that something was off.  He showed it to her on her alt discord  and she reactivated her account on discord and told/showed me what really happened.    I showed him on twitter after asking if it was ok from her to post the screenshot to him and she said yes.  He gaslit me immediately after, telling me to go “read the logs” and “you don’t have the full story” when he had every chance to do so and wouldn’t. Meanwhile, I was shown screenshot after screenshot what really happened.  Again, I will not say what was in those other screenshots, but the one I do share in this post from her is the key part where I saw his true colors of a liar.

All my patience was gone at this point.   I was livid. I cussed him out after everything i went through.  All for this called “FRIEND” of mine after I stayed up, could barely eat, listened to his rants, went on fucking vc when i wasn’t in the right mental capacity to deal with it after work, had a nightmare that disturbed me immensely, lost a freelance job of over $500+ that I had to refund after many pushbacks the client was upset despite being very patient.  I had to refund this client of mine with three of my paychecks and my tax refund.  All of that FOR HIM and he LIED TO ME.

The true colors of him finally came out: He said he never wanted my help that he wanted a place to RANT without judgement (when he didn’t even think that he fucking LIED to me?  That’s not ranting you piece of shit) , that i could THINK he was an asshole.  

What was funny, was that Twitter didn't even let me see his messages to me until after i told him he fucking lied to me AND i was shown he talked shit about me behind my back (and yes, I have proof of this happening)- How I was projecting my own exp onto this.  Despite him linking narcissist videos on youtubes to me.  This is so absolutely fucked up.  Here he was, acting like he did no wrong and treating me like an idiot and then he tried to put it on me.  No.  That’s not how this works :)

Narseth is the one who dragged me into this, told me things that I really shouldn’t fucking know throughout, and then blamed me for stepping in as anyone would when something didn’t add up.  I did everything I could as a friend could be.  I tried to be patient and that didn’t work.  I tried to tell him what was what, and that didn’t work.  In the end, I found out the truth.  He tried to place the blame all on me and then he ran like a coward: left his guild/fc and transferred to another server from Faerie to Seraph.

Proof Below 

As a reminder: I’m only posting some.  This is MY side and pov of how he treated me and spoke to me about his lies.  I will not show anymore.  It's difficult to search in Discord when you have someone blocked and I will have to scroll through months of who said what.  I have these screenshots thanks to sharing with close friends at the time when the truth came to light of his lies.

Image below that I have him blocked on my discord with others being covered with black. 

(he has me blocked, so it doesn’t show his info such as having nitro or his old username as it would below from https://support.discord.com/hc/en-us/articles/12620128861463-New-Usernames-Display-Names in the “A New Profile Badge For Old Usernames” area)

Below is proof of the video he linked painting his narrative again about her when really it’s him.  I took these in February after I found out the other side of the story.  At that time, he claimed that he was quitting back in March (which is when I took this to show close friends) and had taken off all pics on his discord (icon and header on profile) so that’s why you see it different. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tjbm7h8XMm4 is the video linked below.

below is him after linking the above video.   yes, that text in red is my edit when i showed someone about it: that he kept on repeating this “being a good partner”  before this.  Note what day this is: Christmas Day.  

Below is proof of some of the conversation on discord after i blocked him in game.  This was when I remembered “this is okay, she’s doing the things I want”.  Everything was churning inside me: how this was going, how upset he was, but also how it triggered my past experience.  I called him pathetic and I didn’t care how he would take it. He told me stop, as he usually did when I got angry and he didn’t like it.  H's no stranger to that.  This time though, I refused.  

I took these earlier this year before he changed his discord user with the discord update to show my close friends.  I'm the person that vents mainly to myself but when it's too much, I have close friends that we just get each other and know we need to let out steam.  

I have taken out the bottom part since it mentions his age and real name.  

Some context is missing in the next screenshot below showcasing my twitter messages because it’s NOT my story to tell..  This is how he emotionally abused and lied to me to the point I thought he was being an idiot [and he was, just in another way].  Keep in mind he was LYING all this fucking time. If you think it’s harsh, it’s meant to be.

He deserved every word from my mouth hiding it for three fucking months and costed me work and affected my mental health.    I was done, I was tired of his constant complaining, the whining every time he was upset, mad, sad, said he was done, no romance to be found, he’ll block her soon, she was [and he] was toxic, she didn’t do things for him, blah blah fucking blah.  Vent after loaded fucking vent that was the same song, same dance every two weeks or even one week.  Then all seemed to be well.  Then rinse and fucking REPEAT over and over and over again.  Week after week or every other week.  So yes, I was harsh and angry as anyone WOULD in my shoes.

This was the time I finally said fuck it and sent messages to the person whom he claimed was toxic and found out their side of the story.  They were not civil either and I will not be sharing it here since it was based on his lies.

For the image below, I suggest reading the other pic below it first to get context, but this is what he says in that screenshot that sent me into a cussing frenzy “she’s projecting her own shit”.

Bigger pic of the screenshot below, which felt like a punch in the gut.  This was when I didn’t recognize who he was and felt sick reading it.  I was angry at the same time finding all of this out and I felt fucking good letting him have it.

The red is covering the one whom he is talking to which he knows already was shared with me since i sent him this on Twitter.

As you can see above, Twitter didn’t load any of his messgaes until after I blocked him (which is why I kept cussing him out) so here are two pictures of what he said afterward when Twitter decided to load them.

End of proof.

[citizenofmarz]

I will never be free of you

[ur-all-fucking-idiots]

Recovery is fucking stupid and I'm never going to do it :3

I'm not going to change my entire personality just cause some shitty society I happen to live in doesn't like how I think or act

I'd rather kms (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)

[fawningforever]

The Eggnog & the Narcissist.

Holidays are about spending time with your loved ones. Before my father discovered his real true love, alcohol, his introverted self would scan the room and watch us with glee as we open our presents. It was long before I realized he wasn't taking in the moment because he loved us, he was relishing in the joy of what he built and what he made. His little army of flying monkeys, feeding into his small tokens of appreciation. It's not about the time spent together during the holidays, it's about winning. I only really understood my father in his truest form when he started drinking in his early 40s. In my teens, is around the time when I realized he was a passive-aggressive narcissist who continuously controlled our perception of him since day 1. Feeding us a narrative that he was a God - no, that he was God. The way he would describe his life's accomplishments made us truly in awe of him. I, without a doubt, believed in my soul there was no one better than my dad. But, it's hard to continue to keep that facade up forever, especially as children grow. The alcohol is what let his real personality shine. The same personality that tells my mom to go fuck herself, the personality that consistently drives himself home drunk. The sabotage, the self-hatred, the laughing at your fear of him, the gambling every penny away, the uncontrollable, dark side of him would emerge from his otherwise sober, cold demeanour.

Our Christmas traditions have slightly changed in our older years. His Christmas Eve consists of surrounding himself with people who idolize him at the local bar. He's like a mini celebrity. I remember last Christmas Eve I heard him in ear-shot brag about me. Chatting up to his lower-income friends filled to the brim with liquor, telling them all about how much money I make, as they live paycheque to paycheque. Somehow that's not the worst part for me. The worst part for me is that he's never once said he's proud of me. Even in that I feel a sense of disgust in myself that I even care, and that's the part of that sentence that truly bothers me. That, and the constant reminder from his friends that I am "so lucky to have a dad like him." and, "what's it like to have a dad so amazing?" In reality, they don't have a clue I haven't spoken to him on the phone, or even received a text message from him in months. And, oh yeah, that he's never said he's proud of me. But, that's not where the holiday festivities start for me. My husband and I get to show up for the aftermath - some may call it after the "damage" - he's committed to his liver for the past 4-5 hours. Usually when we arrive, he's not even there. He's late, because he's still wrapping up with the more important people in his life (the ones that feed his ego with both compliments and vodka). When he does arrive after an incredibly dangerous drive home we aren' t allowed to talk about, we are immediately hit with this dark, glooming cloud. As if everyone stiffens up, like the family Sargent has arrived. Then, it's eggshell time! Walk on eggshells, before the eggnog (or during?). If you balance right, you'll be able to get through the night without feeling like you're going to throw up. Unfortunately, that's usually not the case. The order of Christmas Eve goes:

Dad arrives angry, as if we're forcing him to be here.

Dad consistently tries to get you to drink with him (preferably shots) until you give in.

Everyone chats and tries to keep things normal, until he is over listening to other peoples voices.

This is around the time when he likes to turn the music up to 100, drowning out everyone around him.

There's more to it. But you get the basics. It's like an awful Christmas list!

When he finally is over dealing with us, he stumbles upstairs to bed. Christmas Day consists of waiting for him to descend from his likely vertigo-fuelled slumber, opening presents (which not one he bought or wrapped for us), him leaving the room because he simply can't be around us anymore. Later on, he'll come back for dinner. Thankfully, Christmas Eve is so filled with drink, he normally is incapable of getting to that point again on Christmas Day. So, I guess we're graced with his lack of presence and are able to somewhat enjoy Christmas festivities. For those who live in a narcissistic family dynamic or structure, the holidays fucking suck. I see you. No amount of Mariah Carey is going to get me through it. My father is no longer scanning the Christmas present-filled room with his cold-blue eyes and relishing in his success. He knows, at this point, he's lost, and I have no sympathy. Happy fucking holidays!

[wonderingwhisper]

“I’m Fine” 🌩️

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