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hollowed-theory-hall · 1 month ago

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hi hi hi!! first of all, i'm so fascinated with how your mind works. seeing your theories, metas, and explanations actually inspired me to read the books (even if they're off of this slightly dodgy website lol). i've read some of your thoughts on harry's love interests / possible li's for him (the theo posts too), and i wondered what sort of love interest would be fitting for him if they were a girl. would they be like luna or any other existing character, how would they meet (ideally), what house or personality traits, etc.

Thank you!! 💛

Holy shit, it's insane you enjoyed my writing so much even without reading the books and that I got you to read the HP books but please be careful not to download malware on your PC. Stay safe out there.

Honestly, I can see a lot of different types of characters working as a love interest for Harry, but there are some common denominators for characters I think would work with him better. That being said, shipping is very subjective, and I think any character could be written in a compelling romance with any character by a talented enough writer, so these are mostly my preferences for Harry's dynamics in a romance with how I see his character.

Someone like Luna definitely could work. I like their dynamic and under the right circumstances, I think it could work. She's blunt, and straightforward in a way Harry respects, she can call out his bullshit and isn't scared of being herself. Harry's also open-minded enough to let Luna believe whatever she wants and would probably not mind a Sweaden vacation even if he doesn't believe they'd actually find a Crumple-Horned Snorkack.

Personally, I was always under the impression that if Harry and Susan Bones actually talked they would've gotten along really well due to Susan's, like, 3 lines:

“Not with the dragon, you didn’t,” said Michael Corner at once. “That was a seriously cool bit of flying. . . .” “Yeah, well —” said Harry, feeling it would be churlish to disagree. “And nobody helped you get rid of those dementors this summer,” said Susan Bones.

(OotP, Ch16)

She clearly sees Hary's accomplishments for what they are and calls out his unfounded self-doubts (Harry needs someone who can do that without making him feel stupid).

Hogwarts students, who now found themselves the unwilling objects of a gruesome sort of reflected fame as they walked the corridors: Susan Bones, who had an uncle, aunt, and cousins who had all died at the hands of one of the ten, said miserably during Herbology that she now had a good idea what it felt like to be Harry. “And I don’t know how you stand it, it’s horrible,” she said bluntly, dumping far too much dragon manure on her tray of Screechsnap seedlings, causing them to wriggle and squeak in discomfort.

(OotP, Ch25)

She's straightforward and chill with a few of her own demons and she dislikes public attention as much as Harry. Even if Susan had ways less time with Harry, she understands he doesn't like the attention. She asks "how you stand it?" she thinks he must hate it as much as she does. I just find it interesting a random Hufflepuff girl who has 2 lines knows and understands Harry better than his love interest who thinks he likes getting attention and going after Voldemort.

Basically, a blunt, chill Hufflepuff that treats him like just Harry and not the Boy-Who-Lived would work too, is what I'm saying. Like a younger Tonks-like character who's a bit more serious and responsible (which is how I imagine Susan, except, less punk) could work with Harry. (though Harry thinks anyone who looks a little punk looks cool... He thinks Tonks is cool, and Kingsly and Bill are instantly cool in Harry's opinion for having an earring, so maybe give him a punk girlfriend. I think he'd be into it)

A Gryffindor girl who likes Quidditch (like Ginny) could've worked too. My problem with Ginny is that JKR tried to make her too perfect in the later books. Like, a Gryffindor girl who's confident and has a sense of humor could've been a good match for Harry. Just give her some actual insecurities and the willingness to be emotionally vulnerable with Harry and without Ginny's obsession so she'd see Harry as Harry and not as the Boy-Who-Lived — that could've worked. Like, Ginny as a concept could've worked if the character and her romance with Harry were written better. As she is in the books, I don't think it works though, I'd change the character's personality/attitude if I wanted to write her with Harry, so I don't feel like I could really call her "Ginny" you know?

A Ravenclaw like Cho who doesn't expect Harry to be another Cedric and is just more chill and not actively grieving could've worked. Like, as I mentioned Luna (who's a Ravenclaw) could work with Harry, but a sporty, chill, Ravenclaw could've also worked. She just needed to know who Harry is and date him for him and not as a Cedric replacement. Also, I just, don't think Harry would be interested in a girl who's into dragging him to Madam Paddifoots, but, like, a Ravenclaw who plays Quidditch and is, like, idk, obsessed with alchemy and has a bit of a mad scientist vibe going on, could work with Harry. I think his love interest should have interests of her own, basically. I think it adds flavor.

A cunning and intelligent Slytherin girl who isn't Pansy Parkinson (a la Daphne Greengrass or Tracy Davis) could work as well, depending on how you characterize her.

Basically, to ship Harry with a girl, of any house, I'd be looking for a lot of the same traits I look for in guys I ship Harry with:

Treat Harry as Harry and not as the Boy Who Lived — the reason doesn't matter but he/she has to see Harry as his own person and not his scar or fame and understand he hates the attention.

Intelligence — because Harry's actually really smart and he needs someone who could not only keep up with him but also correct and argue with him when the situation calls for it.

Self-confidence but also some insecurities — they need to have a spine to stand their ground and call Harry on his bullshit and his own low self-esteem but they should have their own issues and self-perception problems. I like it when things are fair and a ship helps each other grow together. Also, I don't think Harry would date someone truly arrogant. Arrogant to hide insecurities — that I think could work though under the right conditions.

Wit and humor — Harry is a sarcastic, sassy little shit with a slightly dark sense of humor, I think he needs a partner who can match his sense of humor and not get offended if he makes a comment about wanting to torture Snape.

Chill — Harry is a little emotionally inept, he would probably not manage well with a very emotional partner that requires a lot of attention (like Cho). Don't get me wrong, Harry would care and do his best, and pay attention when needed, but the guy doesn't really know how to deal with crying people. So, his partner should be someone who's fine with Harry's sort of comfort methods. (Some people don't want to talk about it when they're upset, they just want someone to listen to them vent a bit. Which, I think Harry would be great at. And vice versa. Harry, when upset, often just wants someone to be next to him quietly, but he doesn't want to talk about it sometimes). Basically, they need to have matching comfort styles so they could actually communicate when upset.

Chill (p2) — Harry's sort of anger requires someone who'd be able to remain cool once Harry reaches his threshold in year 5 wouldn't get quickly offended, but instead calmly put Harry in his place. Basically, they need to have more emotional intelligence than Harry because someone needs to know how to do emotions in the relationship. (In Ronmione's case, Ron is the more emotionally intelligent one, contrary to what Hermione likes to think. In Hinny's case, neither of them knows how to do emotions somehow, which adds to why they never appealed to me, I think. In Tommary, which I used to read, Harry is the emotionally intelligent one in the relationship, which is why this pairing is only realistic to me when it's a disastrous mess)

Knows to be both blunt and subtle depending on the situation — Harry needs someone to match him, as Harry can be a sneaky Slytherin sometimes, but sometimes, the situations in his life would require his partner to be brave and blunt. I think, regardless of house, his partner should be able to do both.

The capacity to be quiet — Harry is a quiet person overall and I think he'd work better with a partner who can just let him be quiet and not force him to engage in conversation. Ron and Hermione, for example, love bantering and bickering, but Harry finds their sort of bickering infuriating, so, yeah. Like, he can work with a partner who talks more than him, but they need to not always need to talk, yk?

At least a little anti-authority (or a lot) — I don't think Harry could date someone who's perfectly by-the-book and loves the rules and authority. Most of his clashes with Hermione come from a place of her trusting certain authority while Harry doesn't really trust any authority. I think he'd get frustrated dating someone who's too pro-authority (why he and Cho wouldn't have lasted even without Cedric's ghost hanging over them).

Magically talented — Harry's magic is insane, he doesn't need a partner that's on his level, but someone who is capable and skilled enough to hold their own is necessary with how dangerous Harry's life is and for him to be able to treat them seriously.

Brave — there are different kinds and levels of bravery, but at the end of the day, I don't think Harry could date someone who isn't brave enough to deal with all the shit Harry's life throws at him. Like, Harry's partner, I think, should be willing to join the trio on the Horcrux hunt should they be offered to. (I personally portray Theo, for example, as someone who doesn't think he's brave, but when he needs to, he's way braver than he thinks. Luna is brave enough to be herself and damn what anyone thinks. So you can play around with the kinds of bravery). Like, the fact Ginny didn't press him to know more about what they're planning and wanting to join the danger to help protect and defend Harry is insane to me. I think Harry deserves a ride-or-die relationship because he's a very ride-or-die person for the people he loves. (Hence why I love his friendship with Ron and Hermione. The Golden Trio is the definition of ride-or-die)

A bit of a tragic Backstory — this isn't mandatory, per se, but I think Harry would work best with a partner that has some of their own demons in their past. It's a little spice that I love. It's why I like shipping him with Theo (who from the very little we know of him can be read as being abused by his father, plus his mother is dead) or potentially Luna who saw her mother die. I think someone who's suffered some trauma similar to Harry would be better at connecting with Harry and seeing him in a way even Ron and Hermione struggle to do.

So, yeah, this is like, my thoughts on shipping Harry with any character and what's the broad strokes of my recipe for my preferred Harry dynamic in romance.

But, like with most things in fiction, it's all about execution. If you write it well enough, anything will work.

#harry potter #hp #asks #anonymous #hp meta #harry potter meta #harry james potter #ship talk #a bit #anti hinny #so i'll tag it #hollowedrambling

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cannedwyrms · 7 months ago

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Spoilers for shadow of the erdtree, but...

I NEED to talk about Marika, okay?

In the base game, I thought she was interesting, don't get me wrong, but the amount of DEPTH SOTE gives her is INCREDIBLE.

The first time I got to the Shaman Village, I instantly knew she was going up on my Good Antagonist List™ immediately.

And, because of that, I wanted to have another ramble about her, as is becoming customary for this blog.

So, let's go over what exactly we learned about Marika and what this informs us about her character.

I think the Shaman Village really takes center stage here. The music, the item descriptions, it all combines to paint a gentler, more human image of Marika. In the base game, she was more like a god (which made sense seeing as she was one), but we see a more human side of her here.

So, the Shaman Village. It's the place where Marika grew up, her home. Unfortunately for her, shaman bodies are apparently quite good for putting into big jars, which was something the Hornsent loved to do. We've all seen it before, right? I mean, we've all seen a zealous religious society commit atrocities against an underclass in fiction, not the jar thing.

And the Hornsent are a zealous religious society. They used the bodies of shamen in jars to make saints. Which sounds like complete nonsense, I know, but that's just elden ring lore babey.

Anyway, it's my personal headcannon, if not outright fact, that the Hornsent's persecution of Marika's people is what led her down the path of becoming a god. Like Miquella, she wanted to make the world a gentler place. Unlike Miquella, though, she only wanted to make it gentler for her people.

In short, it's my belief that Marika became a god in large part to inact revenge on the hornsent.

Okay, pause. I know Elden Ring Lore is like, a big deal and all, and anything I say is basically unfounded on everything except intuition, my own personal interpretations, and because I believe my theories fit thematically within the wider narrative, but just stay with me on this, alright? I think there's a real undertone of misogyny in the fanbase, and sometimes that can color interpretations of certain characters even unintentionally. Marika has gotten this treatment worse than most, I think, because she is a prominent woman who does morally questionable things. Beyond the inherent misogyny, though, I've noticed that a lot of people interpret Marika's actions very uncharitably. Anyways, all that to say, this is my post, and I care more about everything working together thematically than digging deep into the depths of the lore to find out that "oh, actually Scrupulous the Untested mentioned this flower, which represents pure evil, and he was talking about Marika when he did," or whatever. A strawman? Perhaps, but you get my point. Still, I'll try to remain true to my understanding of the lore, but I'm bound to make mistakes. I'm not an expert. Sorry for the long aside, I just felt these were important points that wouldn't fit in elsewhere.

So, I believe Marika sought godhood partly to punish the Hornsent, although I won't pretend to understand her full motivations.

I believe this is what Ymir was referring to when he said "I fear that you have borne witness to the whole of it. The conceits - the hypocrisy - of the world built upon the Erdtree. The follies of man. Their bitter suffering. Is there no hope for redemption? The answer, sadly, is clear. There never was any hope. They were each of them defective. Unhinged, from the start. Marika herself. And the fingers that guided her. And this is what troubles me. No matter our efforts, if the roots are rotten, then we have little recourse."

My interpretation of this is that Marika's intentions for godhood were impure. She wasn't seeking to improve things, just punish the ones who wronged her people. Thus, her reign was doomed from the start.

Now, let's get into what really sold me on Marika as a character.

There are, to my knowledge, two items you can find in the Shaman Village.

The Minor Erdtree incantation, and the Golden Braid talisman. Let's take a look at the flavortext for these two items and see what we can glean, starting with the Minor Erdtree.

"Marika bathed the village of her home in gold, knowing full well that there was no one to heal."

So, by the time she returned to her village, everyone was already dead. How devastated must Marika have felt, to return from claiming godhood and revenge, only to find that there was no one left to avenge. She was alone.

Here's the text we get from the golden braid:

"A braid of golden hair, cut loose. Queen Marika's offering to the Grandmother. Boosts holy damage negation by the utmost. What was her prayer? Her wish, her confession? There is no one left to answer, and Marika never returned home again."

Man, reading that, with the shaman village music in the background, just thinking about a young Marika resolving herself to become a god, to save her village and people from the Hornsent, the anger she must have felt, the fear and solemn resignation of her goal, only to return again to find herself alone. What was her wish? What did she leave behind in her village? We'll never know, because Marika is alone. Her people are gone. In the end, she couldn't save them.

Is it really any wonder that she eventually began to doubt the very order she had founded?

But now let's talk about some other aspects of Marika's character that the dlc reveals.

Namely, her Omen sons.

Imagine how Marika must have felt, looking down at her newborns to see the very horns that had destroyed her people upon them. It's just so DAMN good, character wise. There must have been so many mixed feelings surrounding them. I wonder if she even felt any love for them at all when she saw those horns. Like, I don't know, obviously, but I imagine she felt conflicted. She didn't outright kill them, which is good, but she did leave them chained in a sewer for most of their lives, so yeah not great.

But that's what I love about her character. Elden ring, in a lot of ways, is about how victims can become victimizers. How, in pursuit of noble goals, or revenge, you can lose yourself and become just as bad or worse than the people you set out to punish. That's Marika's character. That's why she's part of the List™.

Because Marika started out as someone angry at the systems that oppressed her and sought to change them. She was the hero of the story, in the beginning. But, in pursuit of her goal, she lost herself and became a bit of a monster.

SOTE, to me, revealed that Elden Ring's story is one of complete moral grey. Everyone is working towards a cause that they believe in, including you. The ends justify the means for you, even if it means striking down a mostly innocent grieving woman, hunting your fellow tarnished, or turning on the ones who trusted you and called you a compatriot. Ranni, Miquella, Radahn, Fia, D, Godrick, Malenia, Leda, Ansbach, Thiollier, Gideon, this applies to everyone.

The same goes for Marika. In trying to punish the hornsent and build a better future for herself and her people, she lost her people and eventually succombed to her worst tendencies.

That's why St. Trina pleads with you to stop Miquella. Because to become a god is to sacrifice everything that makes you human.

Marika took that sacrife willingly, in order to punish the ones who hurt her, and in the end, that's what broke her.

I think she recognized this, and that's why she set the stage for you to become Lord. In the chance that someone might do better than her, make the world a gentler place, not for a god, not for ambition or power, not in revenge or anger, but im compassion. Whether or not that's how you choose to rule is, of course, up to you, but I like to imagine that Marika, after everything, found something to hope for again.

Okay, that's the end of my thoughts. Was any of that true to the lore? Who cares. It's how I like to interpret what we were given about Marika. If I'm wrong, then whatever. I'll still be right in my heart.

Alright, bye. Go play shadow of the erdtree, or watch someone else play it at the very least. Next time, I might talk about Miquella, or maybe Leda and her allies.

Someday I'll be brave enough to talk about Agent Black. Someday. But that would maybe turn into a full ten page essay about why Iconoclasts is so very good and I'm not sure the two people who care about what I say here are ready for that.

Okay bye.

A brief adendum to this post:

Because I was analyzing Marika from a literary perspective, focusing on the sympathetic angle SOTE added to her character, I realize I forgot something important, so let me say it now:

Marika's persecution does in no way justify her genocide of the hornsent.

That idea kind of got lost in the shuffle, but it's definitely an important aspect of her character. She's an antagonistic force in the world who has done some very awful things to further her goals, more so than any other antagonist in Elden Ring. Her tragic past only adds dimension to her character, not an excuse for the atrocities she comits.

Okay, bye again.

#elden ring dlc #elden ring #video game analysis #literary analysis #analysis #media analysis #thoughts #elden ring marika #marika the eternal #shadow of the erdtree #I could also talk about Morgott or Godrick if I feel like it #which is really how I decide which character to analyze #it's just based on what I feel like talking about at the moment #and I just beat the elden ring dlc so......#yeah expect some more scattered analysis on its characters

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grimrester · 10 months ago

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i lied! i did big fibs, i have more to say about the watcher situation after all. some assorted thoughts:

1. i'm a little surprised at just how big the rift is in the fandom post-apology. if i go into the tag, it literally alternates between "you guys are twisted sickos for bullying them into walking back the new platform" and "you guys are major chumps for accepting the apology and my trust is permanently damaged." this is a fandom that previously seemed pretty monolithic to me as an outsider, so i wonder if this will have long term implications for the sustainability of their fandom.

2. they said there'd be a "free subscription" to the platform for patreon supporters. makes sense, since their patreon tiers are mostly more expensive than the watchertv sub. this was presented as an indefinite sub dependent on continuing to pay their patreon, but patrons are receiving emails saying the sub is actually only for 3 free months. i'm like 90% sure this is the same kind of situation where they encouraged password sharing even though the platform doesn't enable it. they once again just seem to not fucking know what the vimeo ott platform they're using is capable of doing. they have to stop making statements like this until they get a better understanding of it because it's continuing to make them look bad.

3. there are multiple reports on reddit that at least ryan and sara (shane's spouse) are deleting comments on their instagram. look, i get it, some of the things people are saying are downright vile. the pointed targeting of steven and the borderline fanfic-writing quality of some of the theories about what went down interpersonally on the team during this decision is fucking weird at best and racist/invasive at worst. furthermore, i dont think making comments on personal instagrams is a good way to be heard. but on the other hand, controlling what people say on your platform right after you made a "we hear you" statement is really bad optics. obviously i think they have a right to delete anything that's outright bigoted, but it seems like they're deleting anything decidedly negative.

4. some of the comments getting deleted are about potential "fake" or "plant" patrons trying to skew the narrative positively on the watcher patreon. i frankly think this is unfounded conspiracy shit until i see substantial proof, but deleting these comments in particular without responding can cause some straight up streisand effect. this can really quickly start snowballing if they make it look like they don't want anyone talking about it. overall i just don't know if they understand just how much they're under the microscope right now. i didn't have to search very much to dig this stuff up - people are watching and documenting them. i think the variety article revealing they did initially intend to remove their backlog and them trying to pretend they didn't walk that back has caused a lot of people to hyper-inspect their every move. they're already in the youtube drama content cycle, and they risk someone making a blowout exposé if they aren't careful.

#watcher #long post

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degloved · 1 year ago

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for all that i tend to dislike the parallels drawn between hannigram and hoffstrahm, they're not entirely unfounded. and for that, i think, they're all the more interesting to set side by side and pick apart (picture me here, if you will, clad in white and peering at the four of them through a microscope while they just sort of growl at each other like stray cats that have only just met.)

with that out of the way, let's look at those initial parallels everyone and their mother immediately saw—the explicitly expressed and implicitly implied "we're conjoined. i'm curious whether either of us can survive separation." the answer in both cases is a resounding NO, though here the similarities stop. if saw v had been brave enough to give us the ending both we and the characters deserved, they'd both have died in the glass coffin trap, full stop. no ifs or buts or anything else, they ought to have both died then and there (and if you share this opinion, perhaps you might enjoy @tranquilitybasehotelcasino's take this to your grave (i'll take it to mine) or my entre chien et loup.) however, perhaps due to the fact that this is not what we got, the theory is actually affirmed—strahm died, and hoffman went off the rails. it is a popular belief that strahm was hoffman's last remaining tie to some amount of sanity, and that's for a good reason; without strahm, the downward spiral was imminent and unavoidable. this remains unchanged if the roles were reversed; if strahm had been the one to live instead, he would find no peace or comfort in the death of jigsaw. he'd left too much of himself pressed between the pages of numerous case files and reports, the sinewy bits of hoffman still stuck between his teeth. it's all one big what if, but i think it's safe to say you would find him poring over the same files and evidence years later, tapp-like in his obsession of a case solved. (if he let himself live that long.)

similarly, hannigram are doomed to the same two choices; had they not lived through the fall (which had of course been implied that they had by bedelia's unfortunate fate), they must die on the rocks below. for only one to live would be a cruel and unusual punishment, which one might say would befit the likes of them, though in that case one would fail to understand that the other would end it all soon thereafter. if it had been will in that role, he would not hesitate—he had already passed his judgement atop that cliff, and would not have second thoughts about redoing that death sentence. if it had been hannibal, he would not go against will's very judgement; in those moments after dolarhyde, hannibal trusted will—and in this moment, he would continue trusting will.

however, hannigram did live—imo—and now, i invite you to engage your suspension of disbelief, as i'm basing this part off the idea that strahm never did get trash-compactor'ed and instead chose the life of a fugitive alongside hoffman, who also never did get saw-bathroom'ed either. and the similarities between the one pair and the other sort of dissolve here, once they find themselves doomed to a life on the lam. post-canon hannigram are both cannibals, hannibal being a very purposeful one and will being a situational one. if the meat is on the menu, will is eating it. meat is meat is meat is food and why should we waste food? he wouldn't go out of his way to eat people, and he'd never instigate a hunt of his own, but if hannibal needs a hand? if hannibal is cooking? why the hell would he complain. meat is meat is meat is food, and he knew what he got into when he ran away with hannibal. and he didn't "get into it" inasmuch as he leaped for the opportunity. hannibal will allow a dozen dogs in the house and their doggy hair on the couch, and will will allow human meat in his dinner. it is easy, because they're made of the same stuff, and will is for the first time at liberty to revel in this darkness that comprises the building blocks of them both.

meanwhile back at the ranch, strahm could not possibly get with hoffman's serial killing tendencies. he'd never stop being angry, he'd never stop seething. he's only here because the alternative is being alone and hoffmanless, and somehow that is worse than this predicament. and he's furious for that fact too, though most of all, he's furious with himself: for the first time in his life, he has acted completely selfishly. for the first time he has taken exactly what he wanted—and it might be, on the whole, one of the worst things anyone could want. it is hard, because they're made of the same stuff, and there's evidence of this in abundance right before his eyes. his only saving grace would be this anger that he is clinging to, because it's the only proof he has that he's not yet wholly rotten. irredeemable, yes, by the virtue of doing what he's done, but he's not that bad, he's not hoffman. and he doesn't want to be like hoffman. and you might ask, why does he stay, then? if he hates it so viscerally? unfortunately (for strahm), he is not exempt from the human condition, he is not exempt from the raw, unbearable desire to be seen and to be understood and, most of all, to be loved. the majority of behaviors and attitudes he's ever displayed to the world have been universally and unanimously deemed as repulsive and off-putting, the majority of the world saw him as 'that angry guy nobody really likes or talks to.' and then another guy came along who saw all of that—the rather tame stuff (his standoffishness and brusque manner) and the more eyebrow-raising stuff (the tendency to bring a gun into the interrogation room and point it at himself and the suspect and the people on the other side of the one-way mirror)—and instead of repelled, the other guy found himself smitten and in love. well i wouldn't know how to act either to be honest. between staying put and watching my one shot at love hit the road without me, and blindly following my one shot at love no matter what my deeply ingrained moral code told me to do... well. you know. WHO'S TO SAY! anyway.

in conclusion, and in the words of @tranquilitybasehotelcasino:

they love each other so much it's SICK, a bit because and a bit despite. hannigram have brought an open season to the poor mfs of cuba as their love manifests itself outwardly—in the overlapped hands on the handle of a knife twisted into somebody else's gut & the warm meal following thereafter; the people of alaska or maine or whatever quaint little westcoastian town hoffstrahm have relocated to remain suspiciously safe, simply for the fact that their love manifests itself inwardly—in the two pairs of hands wrapped around two throats & the promises of violence lovingly whispered in the dark. you know

#saw #hannibal #hoffstrahm #hannigram #peter strahm #mark hoffman #hannibal lecter #will graham #thinkpieces #n #cw suicide mention

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jessaerys · 2 years ago

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five hyperspecific near headcanons?

(THIS IS SO LONG SORRY. YOU KNOW WHAT I AM!!!!)

gonna take headcanons here to mean “stuff that is entirely not canon” so these are (varying levels of unfounded) personal canonverse facts i’ve come up with as i write him:

has special interest in space / cosmology / astrophysics / astrobiology / space exploration etc etc etc. (extremely self indulgent of me but i love to have fun) it used to be very all-consuming when he was little and not afraid to want things.

it was eventually demoted to the backseat as his focus shifted towards his studies so by the time we meet him in canon it has been fully repressed into something he considers childish (though i’d like to think he found an excuse [perhaps through a case] to keep correspondence going with the brightest minds at the SETI institute and they have ocassional videocalls where he pokes holes in their theories on the origins of life he insists it is simply mantaining connections that may one day prove relevant. it is a productive use of my time agent gevanni do not question my methodology)

when i think of near i think of saint-exupéry’s the little prince and his watercolor illustrations of a little boy on a little round planet -- actually, a lil exerpt:

near is very little-prince coded in his curiosity and love for humanity and golden heartedness and deep mysterious melancholy – he is sad and he doesn’t know he is sad!! to be a cosmonaut is to be an observer, unmoored from the world, not quite of this earth. which actually leads me to,

ii.

he is from nowhere/belongs to no-one/ has no past and no land to return to.

he was in a couple different orphanages since he was a newborn and any paperwork he could’ve had got lost in the shuffle: it was roger who named him nate river just to have something on the records; his oldest memories are from wammy’s, the first person he ever loved was L, there’s never been anything else for him.

i know “has no racial identity” seems like a cop-out but i actually find it interesting to set him up so that he is unlinked from such a basic experience of community in modern society. because of his albinism there isn’t even a melanin scale to point him in the right direction; his looks are very racially ambiguous (ie. 3a/3b curls, very slight/partial double eyelids, etc), his parents untraceable. if he ever took a dna test it would confirm a thoroughly mixed background of many different ethnicities due to european immigration – but he has never taken a dna test because it would mean he cares which means he would have to think about what other people have and he doesn’t which would mean mourning a loss. and there is no use having feelings about that which he cannot change; no use looking back. mello looks back, and look where that's landed him--

(tangent: in contrast mello’s troubled background in the wartorn balkans until he was relatively older (5-6) and his reconnection with his birthplace in croatia after he left wammy’s is a crucial and defining pillar of his identity (personal canonverse courtesy of local mello phd haver @firebuggg) so this is yet another contrast between them. but we do not have time to get into that)

(tangent number 2:

L to mello in private: why does it matter? the war is behind you. looking back slows you down

L to near also in private: how can a detective know anything if he doesn’t first know himself?

near and mello ages 5 and 7, in their minds: i am the only one who understands L)

actually near's john silver slay is thee most important characterization touchstone for me tbh whenever people give him a backstory it just weirds me the fuck out

what do you mean he remembers his mother that would mean being An Individual and Not A Child Soldier !!!! he is wammy's perfect little grooming blank slate thank you very much

iii.

as a baby he was SO cute SO round SO feral. beautiful glowing cherubic marmalade-eyed biting screaming wildchild. wary as a cat with a talent for finding hiding spots inside the walls and so very autistic. an enfant terrible!! this is possibly why he moved through so many foster homes before wammys.

for a couple of years until age, like, 5, the only people he felt comfortable enough around to speak to in coherent words were L and later mello*

his method of communication with the rest of the teachers / caregivers / other children was opening his mouth and unleashing the most terrible banshee shriek a 3-4-5 year old could unleash upon god's green earth

through the rest of their childhood known annoyingest older brother on earth mihael "mello" kheel was ocassionally able to figure out how to unlock a Near Nuclear Meltdown, though it was a very rare occurrence as soon enough near graduated to going stiff and heavy on the floor wherever they tried to make him do something he did not want to do. and good luck getting him to move without lifting him corpse deadweight style. garden. hallway. classroom floor. middle of the stairs. he is and has always been a willful little thing !!!!!!!!!

i'm protected under the awning of this readmore so this is My City Now here are some exerpts courtesy of @firebuggg and yours truly

(sequential)

(not sequential)

*(unfortunately, this meant he was accidentally straight up accidentally twilightzoning mello for at least two years after being introduced to each other because what mello kept hearing was [functionally mute kid who usurped your number one spot, exclusively when nobody is around to hear it]: No One Will Ever Believe You)

iv.

this one’s kind of stupid but i think it’d be funny if wammy’s DOES adopt kids out occasionally possibly from the bottom half of the L successor ranking in order to keep the facade of being an orphanage and not an unethical human child experiment (perhaps to wealthy people who want to skip the bureaucracy of going through the proper channels. you know how it is) (it also makes such a good boogeyman: if you don't get in the bath roger will give you out for adoption !!!!!!)

anyway once feral baby near escaped containment when there were prospective parents over browsing the (available) children and a couple was completely charmed with him and they, as is the fashion of wealthy people to do whatever the fuck they want, took him out for a lovely walk/car ride/park visit/ice-cream sundae, all sunny and warm and sitting on the young woman’s lap, getting loved on, hearing, “would you like to come live with us little one?”

when they bring near back they are informed that unfortunately near is very much NOT up for adoption (someone definitely gets fired over that one) (dfsddfsdjfdfj)

this gets LEGENDARILY joked about by mello and matt and their popular kids entourage until they leave wammys. this definitely did not give near any complexes whatsoever

anyway once when the three of them are adults it comes up when they’re in the middle of joking around and it triggers yet another round of relentless Unadoptable Near teasing until matt and mello drive the joke right into the ground where it wheezes a last breath into an increasingly awkward silence as they Realize,

ok lighting round:

had L survived as near grew into his teens they WOULD have had an EXTREMELY contentious mother-daughter relationship

much like mello he too has a deep well of unaddressed (repressed) rage within him (like sam winchester. sorry for bringing supernatural into this)

people often write that near only eats bland/white(?) foods but i think being vegan suits him also it's funny as hell. not out of any ideological motivation he was just an extremely picky eater and also do you think that frail body could handle meat. if he could get away with it all he would it is raw fruits and vegetables (chopped into small cubes)(note: this is not bland, just insane)(it’s the scampering rabbit in him)

extremely at risk of developing a smoking habit. that boy can fit so much tension in his little body do you think his developing teenage brain would not immediately latch onto the treacherous instant clarity and peace of nicotine

5. did i mention repression. did i mention the absolute terror that seizes him at the thought of experiencing desire/hunger/longing/want. if you made it this far have a reward:

#i cant even put humorous tags on this sorry i imprinted on a secondary character from famous 2003-2006 manga death note #you cannot possibly comprehend how embarrassing this is to me and yet with my clown shoes i tread onwards #nate river #near dn #death note #meronia #mihael keehl #mello death note #brothercrush.txt

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nighttime-tea-party · 10 months ago

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since you say youve been in the kuro fandom even before BoC aired, could you tell me about how it was back then? :D ive always been interested in learning how internet culture used to be, how things eventually changed, how they improved/declined etc, more so when the current community is pretty much dead. was there an experience that marked you, what do you remember most fondly? was there an event that excited the fandom more than any other (like the release of a chapter or smth)? which blogs were the most popular? Its okay if you dont want to tho, i understand!

Super interesting question! I hope I can provide some equally interesting information in return.

Before the fandom had reached Tumblr, much of it centred around a forum, or at least much of what I knew. It wasn't originally a Kuroshitsuji forum but a sub-forum of a Bleach forum, actually. I think it was called Bleach Asylum? And I don't know exactly how it came to be but I think that Bleach forum had lots of sub forums for then-popular anime and manga but Kuroshitsuji gained so much popularity and the fandom happened to gather there, so that sub forum really took off and it ended up being an anchor point for the fandom. I used to always look for the most recent scanlations there, back before we were able to buy them legally.

I didn't actively participate in that forum but I lurked occasionally. It was full of wild discussions, one of which was the "two Ciel(s) theory"/"2CT" as it was called back then. It had a strong following on the website back then already. I sadly don't remember any of the other theories that were making rounds back then...

I didn't really participate in much fandom stuff back then, limited my art posts to deviantArt and my personal facebook... but eventually, I made a tumblr specifically to interact with the fandom.

As for blogs, I don't really like doing any name dropping, especially because it would go into some people who used to ship sebaciel and turned anti, and other stuff I'd rather not talk about. I do feel like back in the day, there were a couple of gigantic Kuroshitsuji blogs with massive followings that got a LOT of asks every day (to the point where it seemed like a full time job to keep up with them). Discussion around sebaciel was very different, there have always been people who disliked it but unfounded rumours like "did you know that Kuroshitsuji was supposed to be a yaoi" made rounds without people questioning it. That always annoyed me a little tbh haha.

There was one fan artist on deviantArt whose name I sadly don't remember but I think they were THE kuro artist in Western fandom back then because their style looked very similar to the anime style. I still see their art sometimes.

And fun fact on the side, I grew up in German fandom spaces and we had a big website called Animexx (I think it's still around) that was dedicated specifically to all things manga, anime, and related stuff. They had really convenient ways of browsing on-site fanart, fanfic, doujinshi, cosplay, and other fan creations, as well as forums and ways to host your own fan events. Until the early 2010s, I hung out there a lot so until then, my perspective is distorted by that German lens. I used to post my early Kuroshitsuji fanart there too.

If you have any more questions, feel free to ask! I feel like I could go on tangents for much longer but idk how interesting that would be.

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valleyfthdolls · 11 months ago

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Quick FNAF analysis: Why and how I think Cassie's dad died

Content warning: This is very long (TLDR at the end) Trigger warning: Death

Why I think Cassie's dad died

I'll be the first to admit that a small part of me mostly hopes that Cassie's dad is dead because Cassie is only one of two female protagonists we've ever gotten and I'd hate to see the progression of the story from here be that Cassie was fridged and overshadowed for her dad's development. However, I also think that it's likely that he is in fact dead.

Everyone who's brought this up- and I do mean everyone- has talked about the item descriptions and Cassie referring to her dad in the past tense, and the common rebuttal for this is that he could simply be absent from her life.

However, this is unlikely for one main reason: look at the other missing character who was absent in her life. Gregory.

We know Gregory probably wasn't present in her life for long before disappearing. Less than a year, most likely, since they met at her birthday party and she went looking for him before the next birthday. I'm willing to bet based on his total lack of legal records and Vanessa not recognizing him as a missing child that he's been gone long enough for the case to have gone cold, more or less. That would at least be a couple of months. If you consider GGY canon, Cassie is not present at school and is never mentioned, which could take off another few months. (Funnily enough, at one point, the Spanish version of the FNAF wiki asserted that the two were likely school friends.) Likely, Gregory was missing for just as long as if not longer than Cassie was friends with him, and yet:

"Freddy is Gregory's favorite."

Not was, is.

This could be because she thinks she's talking to Gregory, so she has reason to believe he's alive, but to me, it feels intentional. It's the exact same quote as "Bonnie was my dad's favorite", but in the present tense. It makes me think that at the very least, Cassie has no reason to believe her father is alive.

Also, this note that I can't believe no one talks about.

This note appears in the AR world, as found by me and my friend Kani. If my memory serves me correctly (might not), it was found in the raceway. It's akin, to me, to the cutouts of Gregory. It represents something she's lost. But unlike with Gregory, where it's easy for her to believe he's been alive this whole time, Cassie makes no indication she believes or even hopes that her dad is alive. I think she's likely accepted that he died, but subconsciously, it may still weigh on her. See:

Monty very obviously destroyed Bonnie. Associating Bonnie with her father as she seems to, it's hard for her to look at Monty. Maybe in her eyes, he destroyed her dad, in a sense, and also:

Speaking of associating him with Bonnie.

I think Cassie is likely projecting all of these unanswered questions onto the mystery of Gregory under the building, because there's an answer coming to that, and she isn't going to be getting an answer for what happened to her dad. If this is true- and this part is mere speculation- the case of her father's death could be closed, ruled an inexplicable freak accident. If it was still a mystery, or if he was still missing, there would still be a case and a reason to search for him, but there's not. There's no hope of closure and reunion to hold onto. So all hope is funneled into seeing Gregory again.

But if her father's death is confirmed, if the case has been closed without the truth coming out, then what actually happened?

How I think Cassie's dad died (and it was not the staff meeting)

I think, simple as all things, that the ending of Help Wanted 2 represents the death of Cassie's father. He could be the protagonist, but that raises some questions about the Princess Quest ending- in all honesty, HW2 is a game I don't really understand the significance of, and given all the wildly varying and painfully unfounded theories, I have a hard time believing anyone really does. Regardless, I do think that HW2 showed us his fate. And I don't think it's what fans think.

A lot of people chalk Cassie's dad's death up to the staff meeting referenced in Security Breach. The leading theory goes that with the heavy emphasis put on going, it was definitely something sinister.

Attendance is mandatory, despite how late it is. There's a risk of being laid off if you don't go. And then, not too far away, a message saying that they no longer need a lot of their staff due to the success of the STAFF Bot project. What most fans believe is that staff meeting was a way for Vanny to congregate staff members and use the endoskeletons (who she had trained not to not react violently to the presence of cake, and one of whom has a model in the files where it is covered in cake)-

I don't know who the guy in the top right is-

-And that the fifteen victims' deaths were covered up with a "staff retreat" mentioned in Special Delivery, but the kitchen it happened in was left in a state of total disarray.

However, I doubt this. First of all, Karen Soto is on there twice, which isn't relevant to this but I needed to point it out. Second of all, I doubt that the massacre actually even happened, third, Special Delivery took place in the early days of the Pizzaplex's creation, before they would've been able to replace people with STAFF Bots (which we know was done around the same time), and fourth, if Cassie's dad died at the end of HW2- which I have no idea why else they'd show us that if it wasn't relevant to Cassie and I'll explain that in a second- it doesn't align with the details of the supposed staff meeting massacre.

Let me explain.

I doubt that the massacre actually even happened: The evidence is few and far between, and flimsy at that. A mandatory meeting, the endoskeletons being violent in response to quite literally everything, not just cake, a staff retreat that might not have even happened at the right time to be related, and a single endoskeleton with cake on it that isn't actually in the game. Also, if that was the cause of the mess in the kitchen, A) why was the meeting in the kitchen? B) wouldn't the company want to cover it up by cleaning up the kitchen before going with faking a company retreat from which apparently no one questioned that fifteen people never returned?

Cassie's dad's potential death doesn't align with the details: If we put my skepticism about the massacre ever happening at all aside and assume it did, if Cassie's dad died at the end of HW2- and again, I don't think that they would show this to us if it wasn't relevant to her- it couldn't have possibly been in the massacre.

First and foremost, that scene is immediately followed by watching Cassie take the VANNI mask, meaning that what we just saw not only predates Ruin, but is also important to it. Therefore it has to be relevant to Cassie, to Ruin as a whole. I think it makes the most sense, then, that we're not just following any random ass technician but rather Cassie's own father.

Beyond that, though, looking at the scene, Cassie's dad is not in the kitchen. He's underground in the old pizzeria. And there, Cassie's dad is attacked by Vanny's weird nightmare STAFF Bots. These weren't the tools she used in the massacre- that was the endoskeletons. No other people appear where Cassie's dad died. There is no cake. This is not the staff meeting.

Plus, if I'm right about Cassie knowing that her dad is dead, then that negates the cover-up part of the massacre.

But why would he individually have been targeted?

Look back at the note.

"Gone for a while" is ominous. You'd think if it was the staff meeting, it'd be "gone for the night", but it's "gone for a while." That suggests something odd. He didn't think that it was something innocuous. He was expecting to be gone for a while.

Cassie's dad was a technician. The technicians were the ones who caught onto P46 hacking into the system and were trying to keep [her] out and fix things. As described later, the glitch was "broadcasting a very dangerous message."

Attempts to remove the glitch did nothing. It was certainly obvious to these techs that whatever was happening was sinister in nature. So maybe Cassie's dad was trying to put a stop to it. To keep P46 out of the system and fix the damage [she] had caused in a way that would cause meaningful change. And in this way, he ended up in [her] line of fire.

As the fourth therapist points out, the previous therapist's body was "mangled by machinery". Knowing of The Mimic and what it does in Tales from the Pizzaplex- decapitating and dismembering its victims- that sounds like it could be described as them being "mangled by machinery." And it happens when they become suspicious of Patient 46's behaviors.

The STAFF Bots are trained on the same program as the Mimic. They're taught by watching. Showing them what actions to replicate. That's at least what HW2 suggests. So if the Mimic program is corrupted, then Vanny or P46 could use the STAFF Bots trained on it to do the kind of damage described to the therapists, and the kind of damage done to Vanny herself in the disassembled ending. (Now, that ending might not have happened, but I imagine it must have been within the realm of possibility at least in Gregory's mind, and they could dismember Freddy, who is much larger than a human.)

Cassie's dad was a technician, the group that became suspicious of Patient 46's behaviors. Others who became suspicious were brutally murdered, potentially dismembered, "by machinery". The STAFF Bots in particular would be easy to get to do such a thing because they're programmed just like the already-prone-to-dismembering-people Mimic, and we know that it is absolutely in their power to dismember people.

And what was he attacked by?

STAFF Bots.

TLDR; Cassie refers to her dad consistently in the past tense even though she refers to Gregory (also missing) in the present tense, and doesn't seem to think or hope that she can see her dad again. She seems to have accepted that her dad is dead even though she doesn't know how. As for how, he wasn't at the staff meeting where people were supposedly attacked and killed in the kitchen by endoskeletons; he was a technician who got suspicious of Patient 46, or Vanny, or The Mimic, or whoever, and the STAFF Bots, trained by the same program as the Mimic and corrupted by it, physically tore him apart just like the Mimic does to its victims.

#fnaf #story interpretation #<- my fnaf lore tag #fnaf ruin #fnaf theory #five nights at freddy's #fnaf cassie #security breach ruin #fnaf sb dlc

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veryloovy · 1 year ago

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I have spent way too long thinking about the recent allegations against Glitch so here's a breakdown of current theories about this.

this is true:

everyone involved in the original controversy (Tari's VA replacement) worked on Meta Runner. The allegations mention season 1 of Meta Runner, which we know was a rough time for the team. This might be a grudge from one or more former staffers seeing Glitch in hot water and springing on the scene to bring up long-hidden grudges against Glitch (which tbh I can understand since replacing Tari's VA could be seen as a massive "fuck you" to the old staff).

this is from people who have very recently left Glitch. The credits on MD and TADC are pretty consistent, which doesn't imply these people left over the course of most of 2022-2023. Possibly a "frog in boiling water" situation, possibly not. Depends on how recent these people left. this is false:

this is a manufactured controversy (NOT the VA stuff) by someone with an axe to grind against Glitch. Specifically, Industryc*ck (language warning on link) is known for impersonating staff on shows and Glitch is a recent target. He's shown up a few times during this whole thing and has tried to encourage it. If not him, then we know of two whole groups who have harassed Glitch before. Notes:

certain claims seem very unfounded. "Glitch hires clout" is very dismissive of other coworkers and I cannot understand making this claim in good faith. Claims paint a picture of a very come and go studio when recent projects have very consistent credits, and to my knowledge no one has left Glitch recently.

If claims are true, then there is no doubt truth and fiction to this whole thing. Different people will have different experiences working on the same thing. That, and certain actors involved might not be who they claim to be. All in all, don't take everything as truth, but also don't take everything as false either. Without names to put claims to, we can only take things at face value and assume their legitimacy and intent.

#glitch productions

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archivalofsins · 2 years ago

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Whelp back to the usual.

Foreword

First and foremost, I would like to take a moment to discuss the atmosphere. Things have grown rather heated over the first two weeks of Kazui’s second trial due to various things. We even wound up getting a bit heated over the current circumstances as well. I’d like to set aside a moment before discussing what I set out to, in order to say, even though this situation is less than ideal, tensions are high, and people may be looking for specific individuals to blame... At the end of the day the Milgram fandom is made up of many individuals from all over the world with different lived experiences all of which are deserving of respect.

I feel it’s important to continue to state people can vote the way they want. It’s understandable that many would not enjoy the way this trial began and how securing certain votes were executed. However, lashing out at other fans is only going to stifle the atmosphere and bring a seriousness to the environment that ultimately hinders people’s ability to enjoy the franchise.

Something that may come off as rich to say considering my behavior over the past few days. Since I got heated over the current turn of events and voiced some grievances that while not unfounded were unfair generalizations of people and could come off as alienating to some.

So, for that I apologize.

Overall, I would like the atmosphere to remain light and hospitable. So, everyone can enjoy themselves up until the end. My behavior yesterday was counterproductive to those wishes. I got upset and did not put my best foot forward. These circumstances, while upsetting, do not have to be a defining moment for Milgram or a reflection on any individual fanbase within it.

With all that out of the way-

Let’s talk about this line from Undercover,

“Shouldn’t you look beyond your EGO, before it all ends?”

Along with how Milgram plays with first impressions, preconceived notions, and misconceptions.

Over the course of trial two it’s become increasingly apparent to me what this line is referring to. After trial one many people became very devoted to their personal interpretations of the characters including the prevailing fan theories surrounding them. To the extent that many individuals are unwilling to look beyond their beliefs and consider other options.

Regardless of what new information presents itself that may contradict the assumptions that were made.

There are common interpretations of every character within Milgram. Many of these interpretations are based on the first impression they made. To a good deal of people, these impressions or interpretations can be lacking regardless of if the one saying it likes the prisoner being spoken about or not. At times these interpretations can even come off as flanderizing or a reduction of the character overall.

Yet, behaving in this way is quite a common thing for people to do in general. This is because it's easier for people to understand emotions and concepts that they are already familiar with. To put it another way, it’s keeping it simple. Something that Kazui very subtly makes jabs at the audience and himself for doing throughout Cat.

Similarly, to how Yuno chastises the audience in her voice drama and through Tear Drop.

“Where’d you get your half-baked sense of justice. So, nauseating...so creepy...will you please disappear? “Phew. Anyway!”.”

Even though behaving in such a way is human nature everybody responds to being treated this way differently.

Take, for example, the other prisoners,

Futa

“You and you, throwing around rules for fun, hoisting up morality and feeling good. Should I succumb, make your wish come true? Full of yourselves, are you?”

Regardless of if the result of other people’s opinions of that person have a good or negative impact on them. There are people who’d rather not have others try to relate to their circumstances or give advice to them.

Shidou

“No thank you, it’s none of your concern. Shall I fulfill your request and elect to live?”/ “So this is unpleasant, hurling slurs of “hostage game”; you do know that it’s up to me?”

Others may like to be told they’re right regardless of how they personally feel about their behavior, even reveling in the misconceptions around them and their character. Their only fear being that someday people will find out how they are/see them how they view themselves (imposter syndrome is a very common thing) and then they’ll be abandoned or hated.

Haruka

“I will definitely make you love me again.”/ “Am I still INNOCENT?”

“Because it’s not my fault, I am innocent as everybody desires.”/ “Hey, what if- If I am a bad girl? Don’t hate me.”/“Hold on. It’s not my fault. You knew it, right?”

Then some people may want to be told that they were wrong, that what they did wasn’t justified regardless of the circumstances, it hurt people and they’re a bad person for doing what they did. Then some may want the exact opposite to be told what they did was justified, that they were right, and it’s wrong for anyone to be judging them for something that had to be done.

Mahiru

“Kiss good-bye to this feeling cuz it’s too heavy? I can’t, no way no way no way.”/“What am I supposed to do now? If you won’t tell me, I can’t be me.”/“My emotions are out of control, that’s inconvenient? I don’t care! Tell me, oh tell me why, won’t you just accept me?”

Amane

““UNDER” Just need to believe there is no reason to break a promise.”/““UNDER” The magic is in believing there is no righteousness in broken promises.” / “I promise! A pinky promise is a pinky promise!”/“I promise! A good girl that keeps a promise is like, mwah!”/ “Will you laugh with me and forgive me?”/ “I take an oath! I can only become a better girl!”

Mikoto

“If I could end, If I could stop.”/ “You don’t have to keep it in and hide it away “I” will save “me”.”/ “Is this selfish? This isn’t too much is it?”/ “I will NEVER forgive you if this is happening to me even though I’m right.”/ “Ahhh, it’s the same anywhere I go. It’s like what’s wrong isn’t wrong.”/”Please, tell me it’s a mistake, that it’s a lie. That I’m right, I’ll forgive you if you tell me now.”

Kotoko

“I can’t forgive the evil hurting the weak. It’s unforgivable, I won’t allow it, I sweared.”/ “If it damaged someone’s dream to the points of stopping it, I’ll gouge you out with my fangs. I’ll teach you the pain you caused.” / “It’s ok to dislike, right?”/ “Laugh and I can get to like myself.”/ “I want to be drowning in the knowledge that I am right.”

“Why? Why stop me? Don’t stop! I need a good reason to give justice! Give me my next purpose.”

(Gonna add this here sweared is not a word the past tense of swear is swore or sworn. This is a common colloquialism that is spelt how it is said. So, it’s not entirely incorrect but it is not an English word.)

It truly depends on the individual.

Yet, based on the first impression people make about an individual, the misconceptions formed around their personage, and how far preconceived notions about them spread the thoughts of the person being subjected to these mass opinions on their own life can cease to matter. Before they can even speak about their circumstances, others that may not have even witnessed the situation, were not involved in it, and don't even know any of the parties involved have spread this idea of the individual.

Turning them into something less than a person, a talking point.

Regardless of impact, these sorts of things are hard to control after they’ve spread far enough. This is why both positive and negative stereotypes exist (i.e the model minority). Even if some of those things may have positive connotations on the surface. They are still ways of generalizing or boiling down an individual or large groups of individuals into just one easily digestible characteristic. Despite the validity of the descriptor being applied.

Yet, the truth is,

“Crime is not easy.”

In the same way that people are not easy. There’s no way to know another person inside and out. People will not always agree. However, if individuals continue to only seek an ideal, they’ll end up overlooking the genuinely great experience of getting to know another person. A person that is flawed, whom they won’t always agree with, that they may not even like, or could even come to hate.

On the other hand, they could come to like them, or even love that person, or hell just be meh about them.

Looking past one’s ego isn’t about ignoring one’s own wants or feelings on a matter but acknowledging those things exist within oneself then recognizing they exist within others as well. Committing oneself to seeing things the same old way or only one way not only closes off others to from the person doing it but closes the one holding this mindset off from others.

Something that I believe is a very alienating and lonesome experience. To me Milgram best illustrates this through Yuno’s character and her reaction to being voted Innocent. Along with her statements over the course of both her trial voice dramas.

Though that's just my incredibly personal and subjective opinion. Other than that, I hope everyone is having fun and enjoying themselves on and offline.

#milgram

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thefisherqueen · 5 months ago

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So I'm just back from a hiking trip during which I was entirely out of phone reception reach, so I've fallen behind on Sherlock Holmes' The hound of the Baskervilles! Funnily enough, this novel was quite a lot on my mind during hiking, because I also was in a place deemed by many to be Moody and Dreary (though it was tundra, not the moor), and I crossed so many bogs - and yet, managed to not get slowly sucked in to death once! Instead, my enemy nr 1 was quite a lot of rain and, especially, a never relenting harsh wind. Very exhausting. I also was made concious once again to all the strange noises created by wind and water. There's 6 chapters now for me to catch up, let's see how far I can get today between unpacking and laundry and other chores!

IX - Second report of dr. Watson There is an opening between two trees which enables one from this point of view to look right down upon it, while from all the other windows it is only a distant glimpse which can be obtained. It follows, therefore, that Barrymore, since only this window would serve the purpose, must have been looking out for something or somebody upon the moor. The night was very dark, so that I can hardly imagine how he could have hoped to see anyone. It had struck me that it was possible that some love intrigue was on foot. That would have accounted for his stealthy movements and also for the uneasiness of his wife. The man is a striking-looking fellow, very well equipped to steal the heart of a country girl, so that this theory seemed to have something to support it. Nice bit of logical reasoning from Watson. I have to laugh a little at Watson here, though, for always thinking that romance must be involved. Also - what is this tendecy of men to compliment other men of their looks by going 'the girls must love him!' No sir, YOU love him, just admit it

So I reasoned with myself in the morning, and I tell you the direction of my suspicions, however much the result may have shown that they were unfounded. Spoilers, Watson, spoilers!

“Perhaps then he pays a visit every night to that particular window,” I suggested. “Perhaps he does. If so, we should be able to shadow him, and see what it is that he is after. I wonder what your friend Holmes would do, if he were here.” “I believe that he would do exactly what you now suggest,” said I. “He would follow Barrymore and see what he did.” It's very adorable to me that these two grown men are deciding their actions based on their idea of what their hero Holmes would do

When the house is renovated and refurnished, all that he will need will be a wife to make it complete. I can so easily imagine Holmes' eye-roll at Watson's romanticism upon reading this part, and this time I'm 100% with him. Watson, this is Too Much. There's no reason at all to put this line into your report - it tells Holmes nothing except your own projection

I am sorry to intrude, but you heard how earnestly Holmes insisted that I should not leave you, and especially that you should not go alone upon the moor.” Sir Henry put his hand upon my shoulder with a pleasant smile. “My dear fellow,” said he, “Holmes, with all his wisdom, did not foresee some things which have happened since I have been on the moor. You understand me? I am sure that you are the last man in the world who would wish to be a spoil-sport. I must go out alone.” For heaven's sake, sir Henry, being killed will be more of a spoil-sport than Watson's presence on your little romantic moor adventure. Also, Watson would be more than happy to join in the fun with you two

At this instant Sir Henry suddenly drew Miss Stapleton to his side. His arm was round her, but it seemed to me that she was straining away from him with her face averted. He stooped his head to hers, and she raised one hand as if in protest. Oh, red flag. Seems she's not into this, sir Henry, leave her alone. Even if her rejection is just for her brother's sake - still wrong to push

Stapleton was the cause of the interruption. He was running wildly towards them, his absurd net dangling behind him. He gesticulated and almost danced with excitement in front of the lovers. What the scene meant I could not imagine, but it seemed to me that Stapleton was abusing Sir Henry, who offered explanations, which became more angry as the other refused to accept them. Becoming more and more curious as to the reasons for Stapleton's objection to his sister and sir Henry's courting. Am suspecting something fucked up - though at the moment, considering how pushy Henry is being, my sympathy is more with Stapleton

I explained everything to him: how I had found it impossible to remain behind, how I had followed him, and how I had witnessed all that had occurred. For an instant his eyes blazed at me, but my frankness disarmed his anger, and he broke at last into a rather rueful laugh. “You would have thought the middle of that prairie a fairly safe place for a man to be private,” said he, “but, by thunder, the whole country-side seems to have been out to see me do my wooing—and a mighty poor wooing at that! Many can learn something from Watson's honesty and communication! And Henry's affront at having been observed is making me laugh. Miles of wide open land might not be the best place to carry out something private, lord. Go into a forest or something like that next time

What's the matter with me, anyhow? You've lived near me for some weeks, Watson. Tell me straight, now! Is there anything that would prevent me from making a good husband to a woman that I loved?” Oh, I don't know, might have something to do with the last lord having possibly just been murdered and a family curse to your name and active threats being carried out towards your person??? Did sir Henry just forget all that?

I tell you, Watson, I've only known her these few weeks, but from the first I just felt that she was made for me, and she, too—she was happy when she was with me, and that I'll swear. There's a light in a woman's eyes that speaks louder than words. ... Is sir Henry here admitting that miss Stapleton never actually said with words that she was interested in him, that he was going on vibes alone? Yikes

He was very sorry for all that had passed, and he recognized how foolish and how selfish it was that he should imagine that he could hold a beautiful woman like his sister to himself for her whole life. If she had to leave him he had rather it was to a neighbour like myself than to anyone else. But in any case it was a blow to him, and it would take him some time before he could prepare himself to meet it. He would withdraw all opposition upon his part if I would promise for three months to let the matter rest and to be content with cultivating the lady's friendship during that time without claiming her love. This I promised, and so the matter rests. Three months... until the plot, whatever it is, has had the chance to be carried out? I still don't think that Stapleton is the main guilty party. But evidence is mounting that he knows more about this plot than he's letting on. Also am increasingly annoyed that we still don't know miss Stapleton's actual level of interest in sir Henry. So far, even in private with the lord, all she has done is warning him. Am also irritated that her beauty is her only trait that's refered to. If her beauty is her main virtue even to her brother... that has implications I don't like at all

And now I pass on to another thread which I have extricated out of the tangled skein, the mystery of the sobs in the night, of the tear-stained face of Mrs. Barrymore, of the secret journey of the butler to the western lattice window. Congratulate me, my dear Holmes, and tell me that I have not disappointed you as an agent—that you do not regret the confidence which you showed in me when you sent me down. All these things have by one night's work been thoroughly cleared. We were really bereft so far for never knowing what Watson sounds like when he isn't being a narrator but writes to Holmes directly. Watson: "compliment me, my dearest? Tell me I've been a good boy and done well? Not sure I can live without your approval" We've joked before about Holmes having a praise kink, but Watson is clearly in even deeper

I sat up with Sir Henry in his rooms until nearly three o'clock in the morning, but no sound of any sort did we hear except the chiming clock upon the stairs. It was a most melancholy vigil, and ended by each of us falling asleep in our chairs. *is having issues holding myself back from joking about what these two handsome horny hotheads might have been up to to pass the time in the privacy of sir Henry's rooms* On second thoughts, actually, why should I hold myself back. "I know something which to amuse ourselves with while we are waiting, my lord, but you must promise me you will remain very quiet. Can you do that, or should I gag you?" "Do go on, doctor, I'm... intrigued" Ok, I'll leave the rest for AO3

The next night we lowered the lamp, and sat smoking cigarettes without making the least sound. Ah, the stealthy act of... smoking cigarettes. Surely no one will be able to smile that from a mile away

When at last we reached the door and peeped through we found him crouching at the window, candle in hand, his white, intent face pressed against the pane, exactly as I had seen him two nights before. We had arranged no plan of campaign, but the baronet is a man to whom the most direct way is always the most natural. All that time spent waiting, all that stealth... to just barge into there without plan? Absolute disasters, the two of them

The man's face became openly defiant. “It is my business, and not yours. I will not tell.” “Then you leave my employment right away.” “Very good, sir. If I must I must.” “And you go in disgrace. By thunder, you may well be ashamed of yourself. Your family has lived with mine for over a hundred years under this roof, and here I find you deep in some dark plot against me.” Sir Henry is reacting with such a typical rich man's abuse of power already here, feeling entitled to everything going on in his house, assuming without evidence that it is done against him, and threatening this man's whole income and reputation if he doesn't comply with him. I hate it

It is my doing, Sir Henry—all mine. He has done nothing except for my sake and because I asked him.” “Speak out, then! What does it mean?” “My unhappy brother is starving on the moor. We cannot let him perish at our very gates. The light is a signal to him that food is ready for him, and his light out yonder is to show the spot to which to bring it.” “Then your brother is—” “The escaped convict, sir—Selden, the criminal.” Well that IS a plot twist I did not see coming. Lady, I admire sibling loyality and care a lot for my younger brother myself, but exceptionally cruel murder is maybe where you should draw the line? I'm very much wondering what the story will do with this. I guess this resolves the escaped convict subplot and that he has nothing to with the plotting against the Baskervilles

“Well, it cannot be far if Barrymore had to carry out the food to it. And he is waiting, this villain, beside that candle. By thunder, Watson, I am going out to take that man!” Oh my. This man will run straight into danger, and I'm sure Watson, who's supposed to keep him save, will only encourage him. They have so much 'we make each other worse' energy

We rushed over the brow of the hill, and there was our man running with great speed down the other side, springing over the stones in his way with the activity of a mountain goat. A lucky long shot of my revolver might have crippled him, but I had brought it only to defend myself if attacked, and not to shoot an unarmed man who was running away. Well, Watson at least has Morals about using his revolver

And it was at this moment that there occurred a most strange and unexpected thing. We had risen from our rocks and were turning to go home, having abandoned the hopeless chase. The moon was low upon the right, and the jagged pinnacle of a granite tor stood up against the lower curve of its silver disc. There, outlined as black as an ebony statue on that shining back-ground, I saw the figure of a man upon the tor. Do not think that it was a delusion, Holmes. I assure you that I have never in my life seen anything more clearly. As far as I could judge, the figure was that of a tall, thin man. He stood with his legs a little separated, his arms folded, his head bowed, as if he were brooding over that enormous wilderness of peat and granite which lay before him. Evidence, finally, of another human figure involved in this plot! And he looks nothing like Stapleton either. Tall, thin, commanding presence - Sherlock Holmes, is that you?

X - Extract from the Diary of Dr. Watson I am conscious myself of a weight at my heart and a feeling of impending danger—ever present danger, which is the more terrible because I am unable to define it. The essence of gothic horror, right here :) A stranger then is still dogging us, just as a stranger dogged us in London. We have never shaken him off. If I could lay my hands upon that man, then at last we might find ourselves at the end of all our difficulties. To this one purpose I must now devote all my energies. Seems like Watson has a new plan of action! At least, if you can call it a plan

“He'll break into no house, sir. I give you my solemn word upon that. But he will never trouble anyone in this country again. I assure you, Sir Henry, that in a very few days the necessary arrangements will have been made and he will be on his way to South America. Barrymore: don't worry! If he'll murder people again, it won't be in our country, so really everything is fine! (wow. So much wow)

I know something, Sir Henry, and perhaps I should have said it before, but it was long after the inquest that I found it out. I've never breathed a word about it yet to mortal man. It's about poor Sir Charles's death.” The baronet and I were both upon our feet. “Do you know how he died?” “No, sir, I don't know that.” “What then?” “I know why he was at the gate at that hour. It was to meet a woman.” Ok, maybe Watson does like romance in his stories, but romance does seems also have a tendecy to keep finding him whether he wants it or not. Now what was this appointment about?

But if we can only trace L. L. it should clear up the whole business. We have gained that much. We know that there is someone who has the facts if we can only find her. What do you think we should do?” “Let Holmes know all about it at once. It will give him the clue for which he has been seeking. I am much mistaken if it does not bring him down.” Gods, I hope Holmes does come! I've been missing having my dear silly man around almost as much as Watson has

And then I thought of that other one—the face in the cab, the figure against the moon. Was he also out in that deluged—the unseen watcher, the man of darkness? In the evening I put on my waterproof and I walked far upon the sodden moor, full of dark imaginings, the rain beating upon my face and the wind whistling about my ears. God help those who wander into the great mire now, for even the firm uplands are becoming a morass. I found the black tor upon which I had seen the solitary watcher, and from its craggy summit I looked out myself across the melancholy downs. Rain squalls drifted across their russet face, and the heavy, slate-coloured clouds hung low over the landscape, trailing in gray wreaths down the sides of the fantastic hills. Some nice vivid writing here! The unseen watcher, the man of darkness: that are some badass names Watson has come up with. It would be so funny if it really does turn out to be Holmes himself - I bet he'd be most pleased to be called names like that

There is Laura Lyons—her initials are L. L.—but she lives in Coombe Tracey.” “Who is she?” I asked. “She is Frankland's daughter.” Found her, it seems! That is impressively fast, Watson. I had to read back to remember who Frankland was - the man who was so happy to start all those lawsuits and who has the huge telescope. Seems he's not as kind and good-natured as Watson described him to be if he disowned his own daughter for marrying against his will. Could this man the main villain, then? Did his daugher know something which she wanted the eldery Baskervilles to warn about? I am certainly developing the wisdom of the serpent, for when Mortimer pressed his questions to an inconvenient extent I asked him casually to what type Frankland's skull belonged, and so heard nothing but craniology for the rest of our drive. I have not lived for years with Sherlock Holmes for nothing. Laughing so hard at this. Watson has learned to weaponise people's autism against them. Well done, my boy. Just how often did you use this trick against Holmes?

I sat with my coffee-cup halfway to my lips and stared at Barrymore. “You know that there is another man then?” “Yes, sir; there is another man upon the moor.” So Barrymore also knows about the Unseen Watcher! Who is he? When the butler had gone I walked over to the black window, and I looked through a blurred pane at the driving clouds and at the tossing outline of the wind-swept trees. It is a wild night indoors, and what must it be in a stone hut upon the moor. What passion of hatred can it be which leads a man to lurk in such a place at such a time! And what deep and earnest purpose can he have which calls for such a trial! There, in that hut upon the moor, seems to lie the very centre of that problem which has vexed me so sorely. I swear that another day shall not have passed before I have done all that man can do to reach the heart of the mystery. Watson's really is going all into his investigation!

Had such a great time reading these two chapters but that was quite enough for today, time for a shower and dinner now. Starting another chapter tomorrow after work!

#letters from watson #sherlock holmes #the hound of the baskervilles #second report of dr. watson #extract from the diary of dr. watson

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septembersghost · 1 year ago

Note

It seems like the recent haters/trolls on here keep getting their information from this one biography/book by Joel Williamson (I think it's called "Elvis Presley: A Southern Life"). Have you ever heard of this book or read it?

And why do the trolls take Williamson's word (someone who never even met E) over the word of the women who were actually with E? I don't understand it.

i don't know anything about this specific author though i have heard this title in passing, you'd definitely be better served asking april or bee or tam about this. that said, i did quickly find the following:

a few things in this article stand out to me, for example: "The cultural and academic snobbery that for a long time dismissed Elvis as being a figure worthy of academic consideration, unfortunately, is still alive...it is reasonable to observe that, on balance, there is a narrative undercurrent where the author’s choice of word, phrase (and sometimes) narratively rather judgmental (value laden) social snobbery (but not malice), do suggest a negative message about Elvis (or at best provides a mixed message)."

"Having said this, importantly Ownby highlights a seminal theme in the book...that it suggests the roots of Elvis’ failings lay in the roots of his rise to popularity. This is a theme developed in Williamson’s work and one which deserves proper consideration. Whether one agrees or disagrees with the idea (theory) it is implicitly a strong one.

Other issues which have incensed some early readers of Elvis Presley: A Southern Life include Williamson’s portrayal of Elvis as obsessed with sex.

In defence of the author, how many males aren’t obsessed with those thoughts at that age? My view is that the significance of Elvis' sexual proclivity is usually overstated. Certainly in the 1950s and for most of the 1960s Elvis is recorded as satisfying a robust sexual appetite. In this respect he is/was no different to other young, or older, adult males provided a similar opportunity to satisfy their hormonal urges – and instructively the stories around Elvis’ sexual escapades are quite conservative and prosaic when compared to those of many other celebrities of his time through to today.

And as stated in Elvis Presley: A Southern Life, not all of Elvis' close relationships with women were of a sexual nature (making him no different to most people (male or female) in the mix of his interaction with the opposite sex)."

you all know i don't like talking about this (in regards to ANYONE), and i grow exhausted by its omnipresence, but the outright obsession with elvis via objectification and elvis' thoughts about and approach to sex and romantic relationships is somewhat insane to me (this is not a dig at fans here on tumblr, but i mean in regards to surrounding/wider cultural discussion). when you do any cursory investigation into this at all, you're immediately met with exaggeration, salacious yet unfounded rumor, and occasionally outright lies, and because it cannot be corroborated (or disproven, or refuted or even broached at all by elvis himself), it's easy to perpetuate. and then you'll read accounts from any of the women who were verifiably (this part is important, because there are a lot of unverified things floating around) involved with him that paint quite a different picture.

his attitudes about gender roles and the home were fairly common for someone of his upbringing, cultural roots, and understanding of society at that time. he loved and respected women in general, not only in those parameters, and there's very little that sounds substantively weird (lighthearted role play and preference for white garments are not enough to send me over the edge here lol), compared to basically ANY OTHER MALE ROCK STAR YOU CAN FIND. even of that same time period! it's bewildering how this is pasted onto this man as if he was anywhere close to some of the other behavior that was happening, and continued to happen, in that business. there are true horror stories of abuse and exploitation (including from successful male musicians who are still living). while i may not agree with elvis' patriarchal outlook or demands at times, nor how things unfolded with cilla and the infidelity in various situations, i just cannot be bothered to condemn him as a monster for human failings or for views that were standard while he was alive. there's so much to take into consideration in regards to context with him, and his unresolved trauma/ptsd, and various health struggles...he wasn't some angry abuser, it's ludicrous.

furthermore, this is by far the most damning information about that book: "Undue reliance on several sources including Elvis (Albert Goldman) and Child Bride: The Untold Story of Priscilla Beaulieu Presley (Suzanne Finstad) help explain Willliamson's narrative content, but at the same time urge caution in accepting all of his exposition." goldman's book is garbage and you can easily find many explanations as to why, and i doubt you need me to explain why ANYONE using child bride as a source is horrific - finstad and currie grant are despicable, and priscilla sued over that dreck for a reason. it being used as a "source" immediately invalidates practically any other research or anything an author has to say because it proves they don't vet their sources properly nor with any integrity or consideration, not only for elvis, but for other people in his life. so yeah. my respect is minimal here.

the simple truth is people enjoy dirty laundry and tearing others down, they always have. the slightest whiff of scandal is like blood in the water. we are also consumed and obsessed by things that are none of our damn business (unless someone is actively doing harm or perpetrating abuse, their private lives are not ours to police). why listen to the experiences and testimony of women who knew him and were there when that doesn't fit the vilified narrative they want? they don't care to hear about him as a real, complex human being, they want a carnival attraction to leer at and attack. it's boring and facile.

he wasn't a perfect person nor partner, he wasn't a god (and vehemently, sincerely expressed as much and asked not to be seen as one), he was a human being with flaws and struggles and a fame previously unseen in this world that was difficult to bear, and though he had his missteps and bad choices and foibles, he did his very best to keep improving, to make amends, to give whatever he could, and to be as good a man as he could keep striving to be. you'll never find me diminishing that.

anon, editing to add this astute information from chelsea:

from what i have read about it, the author leverages his status as an expert on southern culture to disparage elvis, playing up rumors and scandal to portray him as white trash (southern writers, stop being self-hating classists challenge), dismissing his musical career as a middling fluke and finding more interest in speculation about his sex life. he makes ample use of albert goldman, suzanne finstad, and other secondary sources of questionable veracity or relevance. the book got some reviews from academic journals since the author is known as a william faulkner scholar, and almost all of them were unimpressed and found it really rambling and pointless, despite starting off with 1-2 interesting things to say about how women in the south helped create his image and reputation. but a lot of buzzfeed type articles used the book's publication to create listicles that just assemble things in it as if they're 100% true. i was actually just looking for reviews again just now and mindi BLEW UP at this book and her response is on some of the fan forums. and while i was reading her post, i saw that she was leaving comments on it just two weeks ago, saying nothing ever seems to change with the way the media portrays him, based on nothing, and she wishes there was more she could do about it.

#and i'm over it #like get back to me after they read about john phillips or david ruffin (off the top of my head)#and this list of far worse behavior is. endless.#anonymous #letterbox #elvis presley #i'm heated and if anyone sends me anything ignorant about this i will not hesitate to block you #NOT UPSET AT YOU ANON!!! it's a fair question #i was a dreamer

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hypercortical · 6 months ago

Text

✨ Help me understand my sexual orientation please ✨

Ok, so here is what we are going to do. I am going to describe —in great depth— my experienced patterns of sexual arousal and sexual attraction. You all are free to reply or reblog with any kind of discourse you want, but ideally discussion of what kind of sexuality this sounds like.

This is a NSFW post. Minors DNI

There are a few ways to try and determine someone's sexuality. You could

Apply a psychological theory

Compare with your own experience, or your experience of other people who match each identity group

What I am most interested in is the 2nd approach. I have time and time again had psychological theories like "erotic target location inversion theory" proposed to explain my experience, and then categorize me. But I feel the theory does not apply well to me, and I also feel the broad application of the theory relies on far too many unfounded assumptions.

What I prefer is a more phenomenologically grounded discourse.

Key Terms

Discussion of sexuality is often bogged down by imprecise language that conflates or confuses. So allow me to be very clear

Sexual Arousal: an umbrella term for all forms of autonomic nervous system arousal (increased activity) corresponding to sexual behavior. Notable subtypes include "Genital Arousal", and what I will call "sexual excitement"

Genital Arousal: increased blood flow to genitals resulting in erection of a penis, or engorgement of vaginal walls. Corresponds to parasympathetic nervous system activity. (Vaginal wetness is also a kind of genital arousal, but I'm not sure if it applies to me as a penis haver. Altho there are certain homologous fluids)

Sexual Excitement: increased sympathetic nervous system activity (fight-or-flight) during or in anticipation of sexual activity. This includes symptoms such as

Increased heart rate

Increased blood pressure

Increased body warmth

Flush of the face or full body

Increased respiration

A sense of excitment

A positive mood

Furthermore we can bifurcate "sexual excitement" into "physiological sexual excitement" and "mental sexual excitement" reflecting the last two symptoms.

Sexual attraction: A primal urge to engage in sexual contact/approach with/towards another person (or thing).

Solitary Sexual-Desire: either the state of how badly you would like to masturbate, or the trait of your broad tendency to wanna masturbate

Sexology Facts to Consider

In straight and gay cisgender men, erectile response to viewing erotic images or videos is highly correlated with their self-reported sexual arousal (high concordance). This may also apply to bi/pan men, but I do not know

In straight cis women, there is low correlation between measures of vaginal vasocongestion and self-reported sexual arousal (low concordance). There is higher concordance when wetness is measured, but tools and techniques for measuring this are new and have not yet been used widely.

In terms of both genital arousal, and self-report, men typically show clear arousal only to erotic stimuli depicting the category of person they claim to be attracted to. (High Target-Specificity) (So for example, gay men clearly show far greater arousal to gay porn than lesbian porn)

In straight women, instead there is a tendency to show similar levels of genital arousal and self-reported arousal in response to erotic stimuli depicting many categories. Gay porn, lesbian porn, straight porn, solo of any gender, even monkeys getting it on in one study. (Low Target-Specificity)

In women, the gayer they get, the greater the groups average target specificity becomes.

Target-Specificity also manifests in gaze, as measured in eye-tracking studies. Straight and gay men clearly gaze most at their preferred sex. Lesbians also clearly gaze most at the female. However, straight women gaze equally at the man and the women. And women who identify as "predominantly heterosexual" (that is, a 1 on the Kinsey scale. Slightly bi) gaze more at the woman despite preferring men.

Basic Background

I am a 24 year old trans woman. I was born male, realized I was trans at 14, and began my medical transition at 18.

I am a virgin (difficult, I know). At most I have kissed 1 time pre-pubertally with a girl, and I have cuddled several times post-pubertally with both guys and girls.

For most of my childhood, I assumed I was straight (attracted to girls), altho I was frequently neurotic within my own head about convincing myself that I wasn't gay (like if I had a thought that upon reflection seemed kinda gay, I would pretend I never think it). I first seriously considered that I might be attracted to guys at 14-15, after which I vacillated on the issue until I was 19, and very certain I was into guys.

My starting point

If forced to choose, I personally would describe myself as "kinda-sorta bisexual in a girl way, with pathogenic demisexuality". I am assuming that sexual orientation is a bit more complicated than a linear scale like the Kinsey scale, and as I describe my feelings I think it will become clear why I don't think something like "oh I'm a 1 on the Kinsey scale" fully describes the situation

(don't worry too much about the demisexual bit. I think I have that figured out)

So let's get descriptive

Genital Response Patterns and Porn

There's no reason to beat around the bush. At least in men, genital tumescence is considered the most reliable indicator of sexual attraction and arousal, so let's talk about it.

Since at least 13, I have regularly had erectile response when viewing either porn or otherwise erotic scenes in TV/Film. I can't say as surely for non-porn, but certainly for porn, which I first saw accidentally at 13, and then went on to view intentionally by 14. And actually "porn" may invoke the wrong idea. What I would see/watch was typically erotic images or gifs containing nudity, but not intercourse. And at first all of these had women as the subject.

I actually had a slow descent into what can properly be called "porn". At first I was into sexy-women-content, but I didn't like to see women completely topless because I thought boobs looked weird with nipples on them. Then once I got used to that, I still thought vulvas looked weird and kinda gross, and I thought actual intercourse looked really gross. However I switched to only searching for "hentai" and "ecchi" and I felt like that wasn't gross.

So by 14, I really hadn't gotten into watching straightforward "porn" yet. But notably, everything I was consuming was focused on women's bodies.

I can also remember around the age of 13, beginning to have erectile response to my own thoughts. For instance, I recall the first time I attempted to masturbate (it didn't work), it was after I got an erection in response to briefly visualizing my classmate (female) in a half-naked state while I was "day dreaming" in bed at night.

All of this would certainly seem to suggest gynesexuality. And as I'll get into later, it was entirely aligned with what I thought about myself throughout pre-adolescence, despite not having any sort of sexual feelings or sexual physiological responses.

Even beyond that, I thought I was especially attracted to women. For a few reasons, but the topical one is because after I began to masturbate, I'd have the urge nightly, and because it was hard to sleep with an erection and because I didn't see anything wrong with it, I would indulge it nightly.

Despite this, I feel the picture was different IRL. All throughout my adolescence I was afraid that physical affection with/from girls would give me an erection. Which would be bad. I can trace the idea back to a video we watched in 5th grade sex-ed where it was implied that a boy got an erection while he was dancing close with a girl. And it was very embarrassing for him.

But nothing remotely similar to this has ever happened to me. I have kissed, hugged, and cuddled with girls who I —in the past— interpreted myself as being attracted to. Never an issue. There is one particular experience that stands out to me. I was 14 in 9th grade. Gym class was beginning, and there was this girl who, I guess decided to tease me or something? She walked up very uncomfortable close to me, and she did what I will just call a clearly age inappropriate dance. Not a particular dance move, just a series of spontaneous movements with clear intention. And this was a girl who, to say without getting descriptive, was the target of a lot of inappropriate comments due to her preciousness.

Still I felt nothing. Not a twitch.

When it comes to IRL experiences, I have only ever been made erect by guys. Particularly through touch that was intended to be platonic, but clearly felt different to me. But I didn't experience anything like that until I was 19. Before that I guess there were some times where I was touched by a guy friend, but for the most part not really because I was touched averse in general. Like it's one thing to touch incidentally, but for a friend to like affectionately touch me, it would always make me nervous. Until I was 19 and I decided I would stop telling people not to touch me, and my friends were more than happy to start touching me.

It's not even like a high bar. I've become erect from very slight affectionate touches from attractive guy friends. Cuddling, needless to say. But the same with girl friends? No, nothing. (19 is when I started to question everything, obviously)

But going back in time for a second, there was a period where I seriously considered that I might be into guys, and just in denial about it. Because my friends would always insist I just must be gay. (For a few reasons, which we can come back to)

I was probably 15 when I decided to just try watching gay porn to see how I felt. And it was such a nothing-burger. At least at first. I tried live-action gay porn. I can still almost visualize it. The anal sex. They were very sweaty. the lighting wasn't very good. I don't remember thinking they looked very handsome. In hindsight, the examples I found were probably not the best to test myself on. But viewing it, I thought it was mildly gross. I could maintain an erection while watching it, but it ultimately felt like masturbating to a video of paint drying.

So right off the bat, I thought, ok we figured it out. Definitely not into guys.

However, this did sort of open up my mind a bit. See in the past, I was a little bit neurotic about how I would watch porn. If I was watching a video where the guy or his penis was shown very prominently, I would feel weird if I looked at it/him, and so I'd intentionally avert my gaze, and this was basically happening all of the time. Always averting my gaze. Always being careful when scanning search results so I don't look at the wrong thing.

But after this experience that neuroses sort of slipped away. And that led me to sort of take just a small occasional interest in men. Especially yaoi/Bara men. I guess I just found myself occasionally searching for male-male hentai for whatever reason, and I admitted to myself, ok actually I do like some of this stuff. But I was also really particular. Like the guy couldn't be bony. He also couldn't be hairy. He had to look masculine, but not in a gross way. And I think this image here is a good non-explicit example of the kinda stuff I looked for

Specifically the guy on the right. Basically I felt like I wanted something halfway between prototypical yaoi and prototypical bara

And then, I guess unsurprisingly after making an occasional habit out of getting off to this sort of stuff, I found myself also feeling more comfortable with some live-action men. I can actually remember the first time I saw an erotic gif of a real guy, who I absolutely thought "oh we can fuck". It was a guy in nothing but underwear and a pair of hipster glasses. Athletic build. Little to no body hair. Short brown hair like the bara man above, except this guy was probably in his 20s. He kinda looked like this guy. But he was laying back on a couch or something. Visible erection through his boxer briefs

Anyway. It was sometime after this where I started to basically say to myself, ok maybe I am bisexual, but specifically I am only attracted to men who are shaped like a buff spiderman.

Actually if you look at my post history here on Tumblr, you can see me describing my type in those exact terms here on Tumblr in like 2015-16

But I also still felt very conflicted for a couple reasons. The first was that I still felt like most men were ugly. And the second was that like visualizing the idea of sex with any of the men I was looking at still seemed weird and not very appealing. So I sorta got into a mindset where I felt like: "ok I'm not really bisexual, but now I wish I was".

So then I started to experiment on myself. I thought, ok, well what if I can use classical conditioning to make myself more into guys? So I started doing this thing where I would make myself look at guys while I finished.

It didn't seem to do anything.

But

I did eventually try one particular strategy that certainly did something. Basically I started masturbating to the idea of being humped or f*cked prone by a select few of my guy friends. Right. And so like. It was really weird because after I did it I thought, well I liked that, but still it doesn't really make me into guys, because I'm just imagining the way it would feel to have my bro touch and fuck me, when I should be getting off to the way he looks. Right. Regardless, after a while I wasn't really trying to change my sexuality anymore, but nonetheless despite masturbating to mostly typical porn that focuses on the women, I would get close to finishing and I would just really want to imagine that same kind of thing again. With a guy! And it kinda just got to the point where I always imagined being with a guy as I approached finish. Generally a specific one of my guy friends, but let's not talk about that because that is embarrassing.

I've been on this section too long, let's move to a new section

Kissing

So, if someone wants to know their sexuality, it seems like the obvious question to ask is "well who do you like kissing"? And I actually did kiss a girl once! Unfortunately I'm not sure if it is at all informative because I was 7 or 8 years old. A girl wanted to play "kiss-hide-and-seek" with me, and I was down because for as long as I could remember up until that point (which I guess was like 5 years) I had longed to kiss a girl. I knew that when I first kissed a girl it would be the most amazing feeling. I used to fantasize that I would faint like a cartoon character from sheer bliss. (I'm not sure what cartoon I saw where that happened, but It was burned into my mind from a very young age).

Anyway. We kissed, and it felt like nothing. "Woah there's a mouth touching your mouth" ok, big deal. And I was really frustrated about it because for so long I imagined it would be amazing.

Now, for reasons to do with trauma and shame that I won't get into here, I subsequently wiped this experience from my memory for several years. In middle school when my friend asked me about having a first kiss, I sat there stuck with a tip-of-tongue feeling about it, but no ability to recall it at the moment.

Anyway, that was my only experience. Thanks to this being wiped from my memory, I did still go on with hope that my first ever kiss would be amazing. Until I was 13-14. 9th grade again. Something happened that truly freaked me out.

I was on the bus with my friends. One was a girl who had recently joined our friend group. And at the time I saw her like this:

I thought she was a clearly attractive girl, but I would avoid developing feelings for her because I wanted to be friends with her instead. And I don't mean in a way where I was saying she's not good enough to date, but just like with the context of her joining the friend group and all. I didn't wanna do the thing guys do to girls who befriend them.

But so we were on the bus, and idk we were just being silly, and she like stuck her face right in front of mine. Real close. It was the kind of thing where if we were watching a film about 12-14 year old kids, this would be one of the moments where it's apparent the boy has a crush on the girl. Like, I know you've seen what I'm thinking of in an anime or something. Like the girl sticks her face right in front of the boy's face and he blushes.

Anyway, that happened, and literally all I could think was like "ew, I can see your pores and smell you". Not that she had like a body odor issue or anything, I just didn't wanna smell her.

But like that experience actually broke my brain. I just kept thinking about it over and over. Why was that gross? I should have liked that. And even worse were the implications it had for kissing. In the past when I imagined having my first kiss, it was always very vague. Obviously I had no sensory data to draw on when reconstructing the idea of it in my mind, so it was about as sensory as a 3rd person viewpoint. The pleasure I got out of it was really ideological. The concept of kissing a girl was something I associated with bliss. But now that I had this new sensory data of a pretty girl who was centimeters away from a kiss, suddenly every time I imagined kissing a girl, it was slightly gross. Just like, ew, it's weird. And I even started imagining further fabricated details like wetness of the mouth (or God forbid tongue). And I just thought it was so weird. And it made me very upset, not because of the grossness but because of the implication. The bliss of a first kiss was something I'd been looking forward to as long as I could remember, so the idea that it just couldn't ever be real was just extremely disappointing.

And then I'd think about one day dating a girl, but not liking to kiss her and... Basically I just decided to stop thinking about kissing altogether. I thought "well maybe I'm just more into hugs. Hugs seem amazing" (I had not been hugged outside of the family at that point)

But the thought was always there. Menacing me. I had a non-binary friend who I thought I had a crush on. I started looking at them with this new point of view and it was disturbing. More "ew".

And I really just had a little baby philosophical crisis. I thought, without kissing, what even differentiates a girlfriend from a girl friend? Like I thought, if I started dating the person I have a crush on what would that even mean if I don't wanna kiss them? What would even change? (They weren't even out as NB yet, relax)

And that's basically the end of the kissing story. I never did kiss again. I have wanted to kiss. My guy friend that is. I developed feelings for a guy friend at 19 and oh I wanted to kiss his stupid lips so bad. Did not happen.

But while we're here: I mentioned that there were a few reasons my friends thought I was gay and in denial. I can't say what all of them are but I can identify a few, and one of them was the NB person I had a crush on. And again, this was before they even came out as NB. It was basically just that they looked like a boy, and my friends thought it was pretty gay of me to be into a girl that looked like a boy. Now, at the time I thought this was entirely silly. Sure they had boyshort hair, and a total absence of femininity, but that's just a tomboy, and tomboys don't actually look like boys. But my friends did also point out to me that they were flat chested, which I had never noticed but seemed to be true, and actually I distinctly remember them not being flat chested when we were in 8th grade. I know because in 8th grade when I was looking for a new crush, I evaluated different aspects of their appearance, personality, and interests, before selecting them as my next crush. (Yes, I know. But that is literally how it happened).

In hindsight it seems pretty likely they were binding in some way, but I didn't know about binding until after 9th grade. And I will also say, like a year or so ago I was looking at my old highschool teacher's Instagram, and one photo on his page was actually way back from when we were in like 10th grade, and they were in the photo! And I was like, oh... They did kinda look like a boy. Their head was pointing down in the photo, so you couldn't make out their face, but other than that they were standing plainly and clearly, full body in focused, and yeah actually 100% if I didn't literally know who that was I would think that's like a skater boy or something.

Idk tho, back then it didn't seem that way to me. I was always into the sort of rough tomboy girls as a kid. Like think, Toph from avatar, or Buttercup from Powerpuff girls, or Mandy from billy and Mandy. I distinctly remember as a little kid having like a little tv crush on this character from the film Unaccompanied Minors who, tbh kinda just looks like a little boy to me now.

Anyway, even having it pointed out to me that my crush was flat chested, I explained to them that I don't actually care about boob size. Like even down to completely flat, I just didn't really care much. Only thing that bothered me was like really big boobs because they just sort of seemed like they were "in the way". And I mean, they all just thought that was super duper gay.

Another reason was that once, that girl who I mentioned earlier who joined our friend group asked us all what our "fetishes" were. And really she didn't quite grasp the very sexually explicit nature of a fetish, and explained it to us accordingly, so we were really just describing things we found attractive on a person. But my mistake of course was that I said I liked it when girls had hairy arms. Like idk, I just noticed once that some girls have real hairy arms, and I thought it's nice to look at. But my friend was like "what?!?! you might as well be into a man at that point".

And then just like, whenever we'd talk about which girls we think are the most attractive, my picks would always be totally out of sync with their picks. They'd pick like, in hindsight exactly who you'd expect a bunch of straight boys to pick. While I'd pick girls who maybe I liked their style, or their hair, or really I can't even say what, but it certainly wasn't anything recognizable as sexual attraction. But for whatever reason I just felt more positive regard when looking at the weird girl I'd felt a kinship with since 1st grade, over the girl with the highly developed body who every single guy seemed to know, and have a crush on; or with the sort of edgy emo girl who was always drawing anime and who was obviously a lesbian but I didn't know that at the time.

So yeah, there's just all these little things like that that made my attraction to girls seem like not really an attraction to girls. And then there's more speculative things, like I know those things I mentioned aren't everything because they started insisting I seemed gay before all that, even in middle school. I think It probably had to do with 2 themes. The first is just the way I stood out in not really messing with their masculine style of friendship with all the mean "banter" and stuff. I remember one of them had to explain to me "this is just how guys show affection for each other". And like, ok I still don't buy that. But basically I was just not part of that. I'd get hit, but it didn't shoot back because that seemed mean. I was just literally always the one going "hey, that's mean" for my own sake or for others. And I think that created some pretty emasculate vibes.

The 2nd theme is just that I was always trying to get them to do weird things like talk about our feelings. I wouldn't say it like that obviously. But it'd be like "ok that's enough discussing political intrigue in star wars, now let's play spin-the-bottle-truth-or-dare". Or like trying to goad them into talking about crushes or something. That's basically all I wanted to talk about all of the time.

I talked early about the weird "selection" approach I had with my crush. Well that was always how I did it until I was 19, and I think the reason I did was because it was fun to think and talk about crushes and stuff like that. Part of why I wanted to have a crush, was so that I could have giddy whispered with my friends about it. Like I'd literally do the thing where I drop a hint about having a crush until someone asks me if I have a crush, and then I play coy about it until they pry it out of me, when really I was always gonna tell them. But like, that's part of the fun! (Until I had a crush on my guy friend at 19 and didn't tell a soul for 2 whole years)

Anyway, I also had a girl friend in 10th grade who was really convinced that I was secretly gay. Like, at this point, I knew I was trans for several months, and I was out to her specifically. And I thought, well she won't think I'm gay because if I seem feminine she'll just chalk that up to me being trans. And I know she was capable of that because her older sister was a trans lesbian!? (Who I still follow here on Tumblr. She is a furry)

But still she was just like "no. I think you are gay". And I can't really say why she would have thunk that. she wasn't really part of those other discussions with guys in my friend group who thought I seemed gay for all those other reasons.

If I could hazard any guess at all it might have just been an egocentric thing. I remember another friend mentioning it at the time. Basically the idea that she just thinks guys are gay when they aren't attracted to her. And I guess that's plausible. In particular our friendship began with a dynamic where she would always hug me, and I would have to tell her over and over again to stop because I wasn't comfortable with it. Very touch averse and all. And I mean it was fine but it was just the neuroses in my head about people showing me physical affection, plus the thing about erections. Altho I was less worried about erections after the first few times.

At one point a few months later she told me she initially had a crush on me. So yeah maybe she just thought It seemed gay that I wasn't into her. Altho years later she claimed actually no she never had a crush on me, so who knows.

I was supposed to have a separate section for crushes, I guess this is that section now.

Anyway, is it strange that I had "crushes" as early as Pre-K? Well I had one crush on Pre-K and then not another until 5th grade, but most important is that all that time in between I absolutely believed that I was super duper attracted to girls. In fact I thought almost all girls were pretty, and I liked looking at them. And so I thought I was attracted to them. And then middle school and highschool came, and nothing really changed except I refined my tastes. Some girls were pretty and some were not now. But still no new feelings about it. I liked looking at girls in 9th grade as much as I did in kindergarten.

I was supposed to use those key terms I defined up above during this massive screed but I kinda forgot to. I really just wanted to encourage more nuanced thinking about all this. Because like. If we're not being nuanced than the fact that I got an erection to porn of women is proof that I was aroused by women and proud that I was attracted to women.

But what I'm saying is that I actually didn't experience attraction to women at all from pre-k to 18. And I've also rarely experienced sexual excitement for women.

If we're talking just about erections and the urge to masturbate, yeah but that's literally it. That's all I had.

There was one time I felt sexual excitement, and the urge to do sexual things with a woman (just kissing), and that happened when I was 18 after I started hormones, and it was a fairly masculine woman. A lesbian probably. But I have had that feeling towards men so many times now.

I have a sense now that I might only be able to get that feeling from more masculine women. Behaviorally masculine, that is.

But also I still think regular feminine women are really hot. Like, I look at them, and I'm like wow I could keep looking at you. Like I look at this for example

And I'm like, wow her body is amazing and I like looking at it, and if she were doing something sexual I might get somewhat erect.

But also I am pretty confident that if I were in close proximity to her IRL I would not feel that. I am not particularly into the way it feels to touch or be touched by women. Or the way women smell. Again I'm not saying it's negative, but it's like a dog. Right, a dog is very cute, and maybe even so cute that I wanna look at it just a little longer. But that doesn't really translate to wanting to do sexual things with it.

But that analogy fails on one point. And that is that I have never gotten an erection looking at a dog, even if it was humping someone's leg! So what's up? Why get an erection looking at a sexy woman if I don't feel the sexual excitement or sexual attraction to her?

And then even worse is that I just love stuff like this

Like I see this I'm like Jesus Christ she is so pretty it hurts. There is very nearly no man you can show me who would visually provoke that feeling in me.

I definitely find some men very visually attractive, but in practice most of the guys I've been attracted to and excited by have been men who i did not initially notice for their looks. Once I get to know a guy as a friend there are other things that will start to get me going. Scent, touch, when he looks at me a certain way. All things capable of going beyond a purely sensory enjoyment. Capable of generating some primal motor inside me that wants to fuck.

When I identified as a trans lesbian, I just thought not having feelings like that towards women was normal for sapphics. I thought sapphic attraction and sapphic love was just more pure because it was just a feminine style of attraction on both sides. And I thought the primal lusty stuff was just men. So when I was a teenage boy I just thought, I don't have those primal lusty feelings because of my trans-femininity.

But then, first I found out that actually lesbians do have those lusty feelings, and they do love big boobs.

And then I found out that I actually do have those primal lusty feelings, but they are only directed at men!

Wrap it up

Ok I have been here for hours so lemme wrap it up by just mentioning some things I intended to mention

I never got to the point where I actively liked Vulvas. I've never really fantasized about eating someone out before. I'm actively squicked out by the idea of putting my penis inside a vagina, but absent that it's like whatever I guess.

I did however become very fascinated with the idea of sucking dick when I was 15. After I experimented with gay porn, remember? That was also around the time my friends started making fun of me for saying that I would be cool with letting a girl peg me. Which obviously they thought was undeniably gay.

Basically I'm saying despite trying to tell myself I don't have genital preferences, I do, I always have, and it's dick.

When I first became aware of my new ability to feel sexual excitement at like 18-19, I was actually reading fanfiction, and it was a steamy scene of two girls making out. It was a Life is Strange fic called "Bloom" by Mogatrat. And actually for a while after that, I felt really strongly that I wanted to kiss girls. Even for a few months after it became obvious that I was attracted to my guy friend. But then I just kept feeling like I would think that a girl looking attractive would mean I'd be into her, but then actually being around them it's nothing at all.

Ok I think that's all I got

#sexology #lgbt #transgender #psychology #bisexual #transsexual #pansexual #gay #lesbian

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