#my only friend that i can fully vent to and talk to everything about lives multiple hours away and we can’t talk much bc of schedule issues

[mountain-in-springtime]

i love my friends so much but i am feeling very tired of being everyone’s therapist while very rarely getting to speak about my own issues

[toothlespoggers]

U don’t understand. He’s a Nindroid. He has a soul. He has ice powers. He’s TRAUMATISED. He does not value his own life. He is borderline suicidal. He is SOFT. And he loves people too much. But OUgh he’s actually a little fucked up even tho he’s calm and calculated Caus he toucheda forbidden stick and it made voices in his head and then he was like a genocidal murderer for like 60 years and he had no memory of anything and then he was dragged out of that situation and nobody even asked if he was ok and he never questioned that because he’s lived his whole life with the expectation that he’s fine and he’s got everything under control and he doesn’t even know what mental health awareness is because no one ever talked to him about it because no one ever asked if he was okay, not physically but mentally. Because even if people cared no one ever thought he was not okay, and so Zane never thought he was not okay so he’s lived his life for probably a hundred years or so by now, always moving forward and never addressing his problems or traumas or demons, which is DESTROYING HIM, from the inside out. He has absolutely NO SELF WORTH. His entire existence is based around his role as a ninja, he has been trained from when he was a “teenager” that his worth is based around his ability to preform, that the most important thing is to save lives and the world and stuff. Which it is but like he’s never been allowed to do anything else and on the rare occasions he and his friends relax they immediately get scolded and told to keep fighting. He’s never had a sick day. He literally sacrificed himself to save the world. He rebuilt himself, and immediately the next opportunity he gets, he sacrifices himself again, and he tries to do that over and over and over again because that’s his job he states that he is expendable! He says that multiple times. He always volunteers to take the hits because his view on his humanity his person hood is so WARPED, that he believes he has less value than a human. That he is a TOOL. To be used by those around him because people sure, they’ve treated him with kindness on many levels but it’s kind of shallow when they never care enough to prevent him from getting hurt, they use him, he almost dies, they fix him and then put him back into the line of fire. His entire worldview is based on fighting.

The only person. Who has ever asked if he is okay and treated him like a human being. Is a STUPID GOSH I LOVE HIM BUT JES SO DUMB. FROG MAN and Zane is SO NOT USED TO IT that he has to repeatedly inform. This man. That he is in fact. A robot. Because he expects that to change the way people interact with him. He’s a machine, he doesn’t need a break, he’s built to serve a purpose. But frog man, does not listen.

Frog man is kind, frog man is good.

FROHICKY TRIES TO PLEASE ZANE SO MUCH THAT HE GIVES ZANE A FROHICKY PLUSHIE. SO THAT ZANE CAN VENT HIS FRUSTRATIONS AT THE PLUSHIE. SO THAT HE WILL FEEL BETTER. AND ZANE SAYS “I do not experience heightened emotions.” see see this this proves one of my points urghhhguugh FROFFS BARKS GROWLS HE DOES. WE ALL KNOW HE DOES, ANY NINJAGO FAN WITH EYES CAN SEE THAT ZANE EXPERIENCES HEIGHTENED EMOTIONS. HE JUST KEEPS FUCKING LYING TO HIMSELF AND OTHERS BECAUSE HES GOT THIS ROBOT MINDSET EVER SINCE SEASON 3 HES JUST BEEN ENTIRELY CONSUMED BY THE IDEA THAT HE ISNT HUMAN AND SO HE HAS TO BE DEFINED BY THAT IDEA. He has so many inconsistencies all relating to this weird brain he has this weird weird robot brain it’s SO INTERESTING. I WILL BE GATHERING INFORMATION AND I WILL BE MAKING A FULLY RESEARCHED FULLY COHERENT RANT ABOUT ZANE IN THE FUTURE. BUT RIGHT NOW I HAVE OTHER STUFF TODO BUT URGHH THIS CHARACTER MY BRAIN IS TINGLING SO MUCH URGHH

[wcters]

𝗣𝗘𝗥𝗜𝗢𝗗 𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗙𝗢𝗥𝗧

pairing: chris sturniolo x fem!reader

word count: 750+

summary: you have your period and chris tries to help you

warnings/notes: swearing, established relationship, periods, sorry it’s so short but that’s the only thing that i could come up with that i didn’t find cringey at that moment

A lot of the time, you hated being a women. Constantly judged on how you dress and act, creepy men, unrealistic body standards, and more. But this time? It was periods. That time every month where your body lets you know you’re not pregnant but simultaneously punishes you for not being pregnant. Every woman hates it, every little girl wants it.

Usually spending time with your boyfriend and your best friends would help a little bit, just to make you feel less of a sack of uncontrollable emotions and pain, but that wasn’t the case this time. This time, everything was bothering you. You had left the triplets to take a nap in Chris’s room as to try and stop yourself from getting mad at them and breaking down for no reason, but you’re still bothered in here. The ticking of the clock, the air from the vent, every little noise was bugging you. You groaned and grabbed the pillow besides you, throwing it over your head.

Because of the object blocking your ears, you don’t notice the footsteps leading up the the bedroom door. “Babe?” Chris called out as he opened the door, “you okay?” You hummed and stayed where you were, too lazy and tired with everything to reply. “Y/n?” “. . . I think I’m dying.” You finally spoke, pain evident in your voice. “I need to be put down.” Chris quietly laughed at that. “You don’t need to be put down.”

“I may not need to, but I want to.” Chris grabbed your hand as he sat on the edge of the bed beside you. “What’s wrong? Is your period?” You never felt embarrassed when talking about your period with him - you shouldn’t. You hated when some of your friends mentioned that their boyfriends would get grossed out when they talked about it. It’s a natural thing and it’s needed for them to live. You nodded, taking the pillow off you head and turning to face him. “I’m just so sick of it.”

“I know you are. And I would say I know it hurts but I don’t really know . . . At least not from experience.” You felt his hand brush up and down your back as you laid on your stomach. “Is there anything I can do?” He asked you, moving your hair tbh at fallen in your face. “My heating pad in the basket? Can you heat it up?” You groaned as a significantly sharp pain hit you, curling up. “Of course. Anything else?” Chris nodded. “Get rid of my uterus for me?” You looked up at him with a pleading smile. “Ask me later.”

You watched Chris as he moved to grab your heating pad and then open the door, slightly closing it but not fully as he left. While he was out, you figured you should change your pad. You did that, and stole a pair of loose boxers to put over top instead of the sweatpants you had on earlier. You were sitting up in his bed when he got back. “Are you wearing my boxers?” He asked you, placing the bag in front of you. “Yes. My sweatpants were bugging me and I was going to cry.” You grabbed your heating pad and leaned against his headboard, putting on your stomach and opening your legs. “Come here,” you patted the space between them, “I want to watch a movie.”

Chis knew better than to fight you, having dealt with you on your period many times before. It was you, but not dealing with any shit, and he didn’t want to make you cry. He took his shoes off and climbed on the bed and lied in between your legs. Before he put his head down, you put a pillow over your heating pad as to not burn him. “That’s really nice.” He commented as he lied down. “I know. That’s why I have it. Now, what do you want to watch?”

You ended up putting in a Disney movie, any other movie would probably get you upset in some way, so you both cuddled up and pressed play. When Nick knocked on Chris’s door later in the night and got no answer, he opened the door to find you two asleep with Chris in your lap. He took a quick picture and left you two alone, closing the door.

“Matt, look at this.” Nick called out to his brother that was on the couch. “What?” He was shown the picture and a smile formed. “Those two are so in love, it’s sickening.” He shook his head. “I know.”

[modelxis]

Tbh, i'm still not sure how i wanted the dynamic between my AU version of Aile and Omega zero to be like

I lowkey want to make them somewhat similar to "Geo and Omega-xis"?

While Omega-xis does enjoy physcial methods over talking, he is not bloodthirsty, unlike Omega Zero

Omega Zero is... i guess, in my AU, he is just...purposeless? He was made for combat, after all but ... how do i describe this, again, purely headcanon shit

After the battle with fake Zero, the orginal body is destroyed forever, but the leftover data from the time he exist as Omega, combined with the physcial memory (?) Of Zero's original body, it's enough to let him form his own... soul (?) And he haunts the entire area N itself (ghost in the system ? I remember that's an actual phrase?)

While he has a soul, he still feel empty thus kinda drive his rage, he technically has no lives experiences, hence why he is so adamant on fighting, destroying foes cuz' that was his first purpose, his original body purpose.

Came in Aile, (how the freak a random 14 years old managed to survive, let alone won the fight, against Omega Zero? ... actually i have my own theories but erm, another post i guess) and he detects the amount of robotic parts on this human and he could potentially hijack their system and escaped this place.

The effects is...not what he has originally speculated. While yes, it does affect her actions (a bit), but she is not full Reploid that can be control by rewriting their codes, her human side, all those morality/feelings/ideals outplay his manipulation.

He feels so limited yet it start to feel fun to experience these things. Also, Aile does let him control her limbs a bit to play PvP games (one way for Aile to stop him from yapping much)

(Uh, Omega only able to fully communicated with Aile after zxa cuz' it took a long time to actually hack into her system due to their human parts and to avoid detection from other biometals so during the time between zx and zxa, Aile is fairly normal)

So, that's Omega POV?

I'm so struggling writing Aile cuz' i realized i'm oc-fying her so hard, not that i understand other characters any better💦

I feel like i'm at least pretty consistent with her business attitude?

Her lines about "extra fees" upon saving Prairie makes me think they worry about money a lot.

Vent: we saved the world!

Aile: (capitalism is still a thing tho...)

Do you think it would be too weird to make Aile be the type that have trouble making friend? While Vent ironically has no troubles making friends despite Giro stating Vent got into troubles a lot

And it would be contradicted to Giro's comment about Aile being liked by everyone (or was it just the customers?)

but like, i guess you can mask really well? But to actually make meaningful connections and able to keep that relationship for long amount of times is a whole different tasks?

Iike, she has friends (well, Vent's friends are her friends) but so far, she doesn't feel deep about anyone other than Giro and her twin?

The biometals is a different story, they are connect to her minds and she fought with them, naturally there would be deeper bond cuz'...it would be hard if you not actively trying to open yourself to them.

so what about Prairie and the gigamix? Aile is the active one who literally have to drag the commander out and showered her with compliments, and being bashful about their self image. ... hmm, i feel like it's similar to how Aile connect to the biometals, everything personal to Prairie have became personal to Aile now so naturally, there would be a bond. Or like, Aile do genuinely likes Prairie.

[alvin-draper]

Alien: Romulus

spoilers!

let's chat. and also preface with the fact I've only seen alien and Aliens before, both of which I adore and rewatch endlessly.

I've seen some reviewers talk about this, but Andy carried that movie character wise. Everyone else was good - props to the weird cousin guy. He was a dick but he added some much needed internal group conflict.

Andy and Rain - she was weirdly cookie cutter in a very video game protagonist kinda way. She had a goal: get off planet. She had a brother who she viewed both as person and as pet. Something to be loved and coddled. At no point was she ready for him to have more agency. From the minute you knew she'd decided to leave him behind, you could plot the course of her entire arc. Andy was better. I was worried they were doing a weirdly placed take on adults with strong autism to start with, and was kinda relieved to find out he was artificial with a buggy system, and then realised that actually no the comparison still 100% works, but I like how they played it. He gets agency with intelligence, but it's at the cost of losing his human connections. His little sister, and the friends he's an outlier to. He never feels integrated into the group, always slightly on the outside. When he gets his new chip and directive, I read it as equal parts programming and rebellion. It took away some of his desire to do anything for Rain, and replaced it with pragmatism. But you can see its still him in there, and that he's mad about them leaving him behind. He keeps making decisions to keep Rain alive, but he focuses in on her life rather than her emotional needs, and lets other people die. It still reads as love, to me. But instead of her sacrificing him for her better life, he sacrificed her emotional wellbeing for both of them to live. Definitely the character with the most intricacy.

As said, everyone else and everything else felt kind of cookie cutter. The characters don't make interesting decisions. Its still well written and well done: you understand the how'd and whys of every decision they make. But none of them shine enough to keep up with Andy.

Okay, enough character stuff. Let's talk everything else.

The score and sound mixing: incredible. Loved that it started on that deep space silence. The music is good and more than functional, will probably listen to the soundtrack as a background for a while. The best choice sound wise in the whole movie is when she floats out the bottom of the cargo bay in the final act and the sound cuts almost completely. You could've heard a pin drop.

The look of the thing: impeccable. The minute they get onto those prowling H G Geiger ships I was sold on the whole thing. The wires and curves and me grin so hard. Less excellent alien hiding places than I would've liked, but they didn't use that trick too many times so it worked out. The red and orange lighting in the dark rooms gave the movie a very distinct aesthetic, separate from the other Alien movies that I've seen. And of course the shot composition was glorious. One of my favourite visuals was in the water filled cyro fuel room, when Andy freezes and reboots. Hi standing stock still as the camera pans up and we the audience understand: oh shit, that's a lot of facehuggers.

Things they set up and paid off: the pregnancy. Andy slipping a vial of the compound into his pocket. The X Ray scanner. The dropped key. The gravity timer. Just about the security cameras. Things they didn't quite pay off: the temperature sensing device. The facehuggers travelling through the vents. The sharp edges and quick mechanical closing of the vent covers they get into the ship through.

Shit that came out of nowhere: all the goddamn fully grown xenomorphs. That bit was pretty out of left field. I had anticipated there being more Aliens, but they fact they left it so late doesn't really make much internal sense. I guess because they were in the other half of the outpost?

Callbacks I loved: the Nostromo at the start and the vague references to Ripley. Rook being Ash. That was gooooood. Also shows that the companies whole thing in Aliens that synthetics aren't like that anymore is kind of bollocks.

That fucking thing: I'm calling it Romulus for obvious reasons. I thought the design was excellent. So fucking horrifying. I will be having nightmares. Its like they reached into my subconscious and designed it specifically to get to me. Incredible. Didn't like the fact it roared I think if it had made either an Alien hiss or a human noise it would've been way more compelling. Properly horrifying though. Really hit home that it's a horror movie more than anything else. Also. The death scenes in the movie? Incredible. It did those Well. My favourite was absolutely the acid blood literally burning a whole through that guys chest, because it was visceral and brutal and horrifying and so so hell done. You could really feel the panic and tension and still clock him scrabbling at his chest just to melt his fingers and feeling sick all over again. Just brilliant.

Overall: it was good! It sucks that I only really liked Andy, and he only really atarts coming into his own after Rain betrays him. Still fucked she took his autonomy away again at the end, even if their quipping was cute. Loved them raising the temperature of that room as a disguise that was inspired. Loved them turning off the Gravity to shoot the Aliens that also worked great. The elevator was also a good set piece. The biggest let down in this movie is the characters. Andy's great, Rain is alright, and sos the cousin who's only around for the firstish act. Bit the main side character guy, who's sisters pregnant? I don't even remember his name. They kept hinting at there being both backstories for him and for Rain that were more interesting than what he got. For him, some kind of genuine military past. For her: she'd been to Yvaga before. Maybe even grew up there as a little kid. It was an opportunity to add proper dimension to both characters that was squandered in favor of the crazier action scenes, which sucks. This movie was in dire need of clearer and deeper characters, particularly because in my eyes that'd what Alien does best, and Aliens takes a really good stab at considering the larger main cast.

Essentially. It's a good damn horror movie, but I'm not sure it's a great Alien movie, for all the incredible HR Giger and weird sexual violence undertones. I'm just not sure that plot wise it earned its Alien credentials. Like the last few lines. Rain leaves a log, as she's the last survivor of her ship. But there's no passenger log. It was never an authorised mission. Its a pointless message to leave. It gives the audience closure because it flashes us back to the end of Alien, but it makes no sense as closure for Rain. That's where I'm at.

[astraystayyh]

hihi below this is a vent so like dont read if you dont want im sorry im sorry ily and i love your writing smm

do you ever feel like youre dying to talk to someone about smth but then you realize that they're all busy and doing stuff and youve already pestered them SO MUCH about the subject or its just so stupid and pathetic and they wouldnt want to hear you speak like that so now youre just sad

and then you (i) feel even more stupid and pathetic that that feels like a problem to you and you're sad about this when there's bigger problems in the world like wtf are you (am i) doing

BLAH BLAH BLAH anyways take care ily again also im from egypt btw!!

hiiii my love you are so sweet you are welcome to vent here i promise 🥹

i’m very familiar with the feeling you’re talking about because i always grew up feeling like a nuisance to most people and i can only fully open up to select friends without overthinking everything i say. this to say these are completely normal feelings and you shouldn’t feel pathetic because of them!!! at all. yes, there are bigger problems in our world, but does that mean that the hardships we go through in our lives won’t weigh on our hearts? if something hurts you then it hurts you and you shouldn’t berate yourself over it, you know? there is no point in comparing because everyone experiences emotions differently based on who they are and how they handle things

that being said!!! sometime these feelings stem from anxiety or overthinking, and those people you share these things with would be more than happy to listen to you talk. even if you’ve already brought up this subject a million times before because it’s clearly something that makes you happy/excited or something that weighs on your mind and they’d want to be there for you. it’s nice to put good faith in people!!! unless they said something that insinuates that you’re “pestering” them about the subject, which means that they aren’t people you should surround yourself with!!!

life is too short to be around people who won’t listen to your worries or to the things that make you excited, trust me!! i understand if they are busy and they can’t be there for you in THAT instant because that’s me too, but if they make you feel stupid for even venting or talking about the same thing repeatedly then you’re better off without them. talking from experience

i hope this helped and if you ever have something you wish to talk about you are always free to do so with me 💓 also EGYPT!!!!!! im collecting all of u guys anaa ktir b7ebkooom

[temper-temper]

108, 109, 110, 111, 112, 115 (not farming attention :3)

108. Who is someone you never tire of? See this is a hard one cuz I do still get tired of the few people I’d list but my tired is “bleh I need a break from everyone, but I miss them :c” so like I might need a break but I don’t really want to haha That would be you, doe, and Guru for sure.

109. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? Since I’ve been allowing myself to grow and actually be myself around people there are lots who I’m completely myself around …but that doesn’t mean that I’m comfortable with being myself around everyone- I still feel many people don’t understand me or take the time to understand me. That being said; Flash, Flux, Doe, and Guru always have been very understanding of me and allowed me to be as annoying as I want without making me feel bad for acting a bit crazy or going off on a crazy vent. This little group that came together and adopted me really helped me see value in myself I hadn’t been able to see for the majority of my life I’m very grateful. 110. Who is your most loyal friend? Guru, hands down. He’s so loyal he has promised himself to me for the rest of our lives (and after if it’s possible) so it’s really hard to compete with that. It’s not to say my other friends (like Doe) aren’t loyal to me however- just that Guru is the most. 111. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? Guru. He knows the good, the bad, and the ugly about me and he still stays and loves me and takes care of me when I’m absolutely broken and can’t help myself.

112. If your best friend died, what would you do? I have 2 best friends: Doe and Guru but I believe my reactions would be different. Doe: I’d fall into horrible mourning and I don’t expect I’d be out of it for a long time. Probably send messages to her knowing I won’t get a response- that kind of stuff. I’d carry her memory with me the rest of my life and take time to remember her in the butterflies I see. What can I say? Doe has made a pretty big impact on me and has helped me so much in growing and understanding myself. Loosing her in anyway will hurt tremendously. Guru: All the before mentioned would still apply, except maybe the butterfly thing. Still, loosing Guru would hurt worse than Doe I believe- after all he isn’t just my best friend but the closest thing to a soul mate that exists. As my husband I’d have to tie up all the loose ends, pay any debt he has, and bury him myself. The mourning, I’d assume, would never stop and I know there would be an emptiness that will never be filled. I’m very well aware that Guru will be my last partner- he is the only I’ve ever felt this way for and that feeling can never be replaced and I honestly wouldn’t want it to. I trust I will meet him in heaven when I pass and I’m blessed to have this knowledge, that will definitely help as I grieve but I’ll admit I’m always nervous when there is freezing fog or other weather that can impede driving I don’t want to loose him.

115. Say 5 facts about your bestfriend(s): Haha yeah okay -w- Doe: Super sweet Amazing (and fast) artist Like EXTREMELY smart Very very over the top girly Amazing story teller and soooo creative Guru: HANDSOME like the most handsome man to ever walk this earth!!! A bit of a grump and snarky uwu Has an amazing laugh Can sing super well and all the old ladies at church love his voice and want him to sing more Huge dork- like the Star Trek, LoTRs kind of dork- it’s pretty great

Also I’m purposely leaving out Jesus since He is fully God and fully man He technically fits and would fulfill all the before mentioned and I know that Doe wanted me to talk about how cool she is. Honestly maybe I should answer these without leaving out Jesus in the future for fun.

[ghosttownwherenoonegoes]

I’m writing Eddie a letter under the cut. All my thoughts, raw and open. This is fine to reblog, comment on etc., I don’t mind. I discuss stress, depression, anxiety, medication for the aforementioned, self-shipping with Eddie. Just a creative vent exercise, really.

I just really need to talk to Eddie right now.💔

Hey, Eddie.

Long time no speak, huh? I know, I know. I’ve been busy, I guess. Well, no, I have been busy, but I’ve been downplaying my own emotions to myself for this whole time because hiding is much easier when there’s still so much left to do. I can’t help feeling that I don’t have time even to write this to you, curled up as I am in bed watching horror films before I go to sleep, and I feel like I should be studying. I feel like… if I’m not constantly studying to complete this final assignment of the year, then I’m letting you and everyone else down. But more than that, if I’m not always doing something between uni and work, then I’m only proving my most familiar thoughts right. That all I am is just… wasted potential. And I’ll never amount to ‘anything’ anyway, so why bother trying? But.. I won’t ever know if I’ll make it to becoming a neuropsychologist if I don’t try.

That’s what scares me though, trying… or, trying to try.

It feels like… all I ever do is try to try, but I never feel like I’ve tried hard enough. I could always study more, I could always work more shifts, I could always do this thing or that thing… I never feel like I’ve done enough, no matter how hard I try. And, Eddie, my sweet angel baby, I am exhausted trying to live up to my own expectations. If I can’t even meet my own expectations, then how could I ever be enough for someone else? How could I ever be enough for you, or your beloved Uncle Wayne?

I’m really, really tired, Eddie.

Sleep won’t touch this tired, it’s in my bones, it’s in the way it takes well over an hour to get out of bed most mornings (not including my Eddie hour every morning, that’s the one thing I won’t let myself take away from me, nor my night hour with you. That’s mine, too), it’s in the way I choose work or studying over myself and then get mad at myself for it later. It’s in the way I don’t even really have the energy to write this letter because these thoughts are so familiar to me that it feels like writing this letter to you is pointless - you’re reading this for the first time, but for me, these thoughts have echoed in my head for years. So what’s the point in writing this letter? But that’s why I’m doing it - to me, these thoughts are almost friends despite how much they hurt me, but to you, this might be new to you, so maybe you can learn about me a little more, if you wanted to. I know I shut you out a lot of the time, I tell you and your Uncle that I’m fine when I’m not.

But that’s also because I’m scared, Eddie. I go through life absolutely terrified, of everything and everyone, all the time always, even on the medication I was given a few weeks ago for my newly diagnosed anxiety and depression, and if I tell you even half of what goes through my head on a daily basis, then that means it matters, and if it matters…. Then, Eddie, it’s gonna hurt. And if I fully let myself feel how much it hurts, then… I’m not sure I’d be able to coax myself out of bed at all. So I hide it from others as best as I can, and I hide it from myself, too. I acknowledge to myself when I’m hurting and I let myself feel those emotions as they come, I never hide from my feelings, necessarily, but I also don’t let myself feel the full extent of them. If I do, I’ll stop dead in my tracks and I’m not sure I’d have it in me to take another step. So I keep stepping. I keep trying.

Most importantly, I keep you near me, Eddie.

You make me cry when I’m trying my best not to because there isn’t any time to do so. You make me smile and laugh when it feels like I’d forgotten how to. You make me remember the person I want to be… I never found you in high school, sweet angel baby, so I’ve been working on becoming someone you would be proud of. If I can’t find you for myself, then I’ll become someone like you for other people, to the best of my ability.

So… as I write this, I imagine that you’re curled up beside me on the bed watching this horror film with me. I’m wearing my Munson Motivation Outfit and your head is on my shoulder, your dark curls spilling into my braids, your head a comforting and familiar weight on my shoulder. Your hand splayed across my thigh… you’re totally nuzzled into me, and I into you. We’re making comments to each other as we watch but otherwise, we’re more interested in soaking up time with each other as much as possible. I so rarely get more than an hour at a time with you. I have to fight myself for that time, and I never don’t feel guilty for it. I would love to say all of this to your face, but this is the best I have.

As I write this, the last assignment of the year is due next week and I’m… scared. Eddie, I’m scared. And I don’t have time to be. The more I get scared, the more I freeze up, and the more I freeze up, the less time I have to do the actual assignment. This one is 40% of this year’s grade with no retakes, no second tries, no extension. It’s stone fucking cold and I’ve frozen up before I even get started. I have a week until it’s due, so there’s still time for me. My body is reflecting my chronic stress… I’ve got my littlest toe sick with paronychia, which is taking a while to clear. You and Uncle Wayne have been so good at reminding me to take my medication once a day and my antibiotics multiple times a day. I really appreciate you stroking my throat every time to help the tablet go down…no matter how many I take, I can never swallow immediately because I’m scared to choke. I’m out of work until my toe heals and that means more assignment time but I’m also on my period so I’m sore everywhere and I’m adjusting to new meds so I can’t focus well and I don’t think they’re working and god, Eddie… I’m trying so hard to deal with everything happening all at once but I’m tired, I’m tired and I don’t know what to do and I know I’m right at the finish line, I do, but I wish I was already there so I could rest. But I’m not, so I can’t. But all the bodily stuff and the new meds and the most important assignment of the year all happening at once…. I want to throw a tantrum in your name, Eddie. Just once… please? I’ll make it a tantrum worthy of you, I promise.

Only I can get me there so I’ll have to find a bit more fight in me yet… if only because I know you would want me to. So would our most beloved and bestest dad, Uncle Wayne. I can never say no to the Munsons. I just wish I wasn’t so scared all the time, Eddie. And I wish you were here so I could hold your hand, look into your chocolate buttons and see you looking back… you’re so beautiful. I wish I was as brave as you, Eddie, I really do. Maybe things would be easier if I was a little more like you. I love you so much. And I miss you. Everything in me tells me you’d never be proud, only disappointed, but no one could ever be more disappointed in me than me. So it’s okay if you are, Eddie, I get it. I’m disappointed in me, too.

With all my love, you silly, brave man,

Eri.

[crimson-camellia]

Ruby’s Despair Arc

The voice acting performances from Miles and Lindsay down to the last line were so chilling and visceral.

Alright let’s talk about this. I know that the breakdown from the episode (may just be the beginning of it too) has been analyzed a lot. So my thoughts: in short, it was really well done and raw.

Ruby has the burden of the world on her shoulders, and is now living the worst moment of her life currently. She, according to Lindsay, doesn’t know how to healthily process her losses and trauma and turmoils. “[Ep4] Her subconscious is telling her, “here are all the ways you feel you failed not only as a person but as a team leader’ ”

The moment where she finally begins to vent is when Weiss calls her attention to lead again (Ruby’s interpretation of “Right, Ruby?”) and to agree with the Blake and Yang’s words towards Jaune after the flood. Throughout the volume, Ruby’s been placed in situations where she has to lead like, for example, literally carrying her team for almost three episodes. There was no time to slow down and let her feelings catch up. Her team has tried to reach out, but they’re either interrupted (which was very frustratingly noticeable in this episode) or Ruby shrugs them off and refuses to open up. Unfortunately the negative emotions coming from both Jaune and Ruby reacted with each other; Ruby lashed out towards her teammates and also clearly projected her insecurities and repressed emotions.

To Weiss, “Gotta find someone who isn’t just going to screw everything up!”—> I believe this is a callback to how unaccepting Weiss was to have Ruby as a partner then leader. Ruby now genuinely feels that all she has done was screw up everything, proving Vol1;Weiss right, and now throwing it in her face. (It would have been chilling if she said something like, “You were right, Ozpin making me the leader was a mistake”)

To the Bees, “Maybe even finally getting our feelings sorted out!” —> I see this as her lashing out (in some jealousy) that the Bees worked their feeling out (and are happy together) and she has done nothing for herself, therefore can’t be fully and honestly (yet) excited about their new relationship. Also, others pointed out the parallels between Blake and Ruby and now that Blake in this volume have taken the most charge and acted like the leader, especially in the first two episodes.

To Jaune, I don’t know why the writers are having us wait so long after RWBY and Jaune’s reunion to finally have Ruby learn Penny’s true cause of death on the bridge. Jaune is coping with his losses and actions in his own way, but he’s not making progress and refuses to change his mind about the tree-he’s basically in a stalemate at the moment- he has been for however long he’s been in Ever After. To hear Ruby call out the uselessness of mourning his “make-believe friends”, is when he finally lashed out and fed into her anger, saying what he’s been holding into for years for him that finally caused her to take off alone.

I’ve seen some theories popping up in places that state Ruby might try to sacrifice herself to the tree in order for the others to leave. The lyrics from the song “Trapdoor” is another look into her mental state too. She might’ve left to pursue Neo or find a way to the tree or back to the blacksmith even or maybe just to swing Crescent Rose around.

(I can say more, but that’s the short of it)

[basically-queenberyl]

Drifting Apart (Venting)

I’ve been really thinking about a long term friendship and today it hit me that I’m being taken for granted.

Like ok, I know you’re busy and that’s normal, but you literally barely talk to me. Your texts became short, so I stopped initiating and you responded even shorter and less. You say you have so much to tell me, and it “has to be in person” bc it’s so important, but you barely see me, so you never tell me. When you used to text me everything.

You never wanted to drive out an hour to see me, and only wanted to swing by last minute if you were already seeing your other friend in the same town. And you drove out 2 hours to another city, but one hour was too far to visit me.

Now I live in the same town as you 2 exits over and it’s still too much for you to come see me. And you don’t let anyone come see you.

You say you’re open-minded and that intentions matter, but you absolutely ripped me a new one for trying to prevent trauma in your family based on trauma that I experienced in my own family that shaped and re-wired my brain in a way I can never fully get rid of. Saying that I’m projecting my situation onto yours and effectively called me an unbelievable bitch. Even tho you did the same thing to me, except even when I level-headedly and calmly pointed it out to you, you didn’t have the self-awareness to admit it. But I forgave it bc I recognized and understood your intention to help. And when I apologized to you, you were extremely cold and burned me, and then acted like everything was normal a few hours later even though I knew I wasn’t forgiven. I feel like things haven’t been the same since then.

I don’t like how you can do that to me (project onto me) without apologizing or acknowledging it (but expect an apology from me) and I treat you just the same (after forgiving your non-apology that wasn’t even expected), but when I unintentionally project onto you out of concern, our friendship is in shambles. You tell me intention matters, but you only say that when considering yourself.

When I saw you last week, at one point, I let slip the words “best friend” and your reaction was off. That’s why I avoided using those words, because I didn’t want to see your reaction. I sent you something so coincidental over text and all you said was “wut”.

I’ve known you for 17 years, but I find myself frequently asking myself why we’re even friends. You give me barely any energy. I left the ball in your court for us to see each other almost a year ago since your schedule is not set. You still never initiate shit. I have to go out of my way to guess your schedule since you won’t tell me or schedule anything with me. You reciprocate nothing. I’ve seen how you avoid certain people and go out of your way to spend time with others, so I feel like you’re stretching the truth and lowkey full of shit.

I’m not expecting to be a top priority, but I barely feel like an acquaintance anymore.

It’s so obvious that you don’t even fuck with me anymore. What is even the point?

[golbrocklovely]

this is no disrespect to either of you three anons, so please don't feel like this is me trying to be a bitch.

but oh my GOD i don't care lol

i'll just say everything i feel about this here and then be done with it.

ms singer was a girl colby went on a few dates with, and was done "dating" her by like halloween or a little bit after. he didn't even know malia until sam's bday, so it's not like he left ms singer for her. ms singer herself has said she's on good terms with colby and that she has no hard feelings for malia, it's katelyn she has issues with.

colby unfollowing her on her bday was not done maliciously. he just unfollowed her, most likely, bc he has unfollowed every girl he either a, dated/had a fling with or b, found hot. shock and awe to absolutely no one, she falls into that category.

but also she's STILL talking about her beef with katelyn. and look, she has every right to talk about it as long as she wants to. i'm not here to say she can't vent. but let's be real for two seconds: first and foremost, fans are egging this on and we all know that. anyone that wants to argue otherwise is just plainly ignoring what is happening. ppl go on her tiktok lives just to ask her about katelyn so she can start complaining about her yet again. and the only reason fans want more tea on katelyn is bc they hate her bc she's not kat. full stop, full transparency, that's why that's happening. yall don't like tess; you just like that she gives you tea on a girl you hate bc she maybe once shaded kat when in reality if you have more than one brain cell you would know that's not what she did. stop being so up kat's ass that you think everyone is out to get her.

and secondly, tess can complain - sure. but she is talking about real ppl that are now dealing with real hate. it's the whole fuck around and find out method. keep talking shit on someone, and someone close to them (ie colby) is gonna stop fucking with you. why is this a surprise to anyone?

and i'm not here to say that katelyn is innocent. don't mistake me for that. i'm just saying, if katelyn was a shitty friend to her, then that's a shame. but the beef is very much between the two or them, and not us. stop egging it on for content reasons, or for twitter threads, or for whatever weird reason yall try to justify in your head this all for.

not only this, but colby and ms singer only dated MAX a month, but i don't even think that's the case fully. they went on a couple dates and stayed cordial. some of these fans are acting like he blocked his bestie or something. they remained friendly with one another bc things didn't end badly between them. they don't have to have loyalty towards one another, that includes colby. this isn't some betrayal. he unfollowed bc he's taken now, and she's still talking about his best friend's gf. it's really that simple.

dear god, all of this is such hs drama bs and i'm so tired of hearing about it, honestly. i'm too old to go back to my hs self who would have throughly enjoyed this drama. but seriously, can we find literally anything else to talk about??? i'm actually begging at this point.

and colby didn't unfollow ms singer bc malia told him to. he did it bc he wanted to. he's a grown man, as many on twitter love to point out every time he does something they deem as childish. why do you think this is any different?

also, sam and kat pretended to be besties after the break up. let's be real here. there clearly was some awkward tension left between them, but if they told the fandom they were going no contact and never talking again except maybe in passing, ww3 would have started. so they remained cordial to be appease fans (and probably themselves in one way or another). and realistically, kat probably made sam unfollow her (by blocking him/muting him/removing him as a follower) bc the day she did that was after pics of him and katelyn leaked from new years. realistically she probably wasn't thrilled about that and needed some space. it also didn't help that the khakis personified that is sam golbach decided to like a tweet that she made saying how nice her spotify top five looked without the "take a look at my bf" song, which CLEARLY WAS ABOUT HIM. he got his ass blocked after that, and rightfully so lmao

i would like to request - respectfully to all anons going forward - to stop bringing up ms singer, shea, and stas. hell, throw kat in there too. i don't care enough about any of them to hear what's happening about them. i'm tired of talking about them. some of them i've been talking about for years, i've said my piece on them countless times, and i just want something else to talk about. bc it's always the same stories over and over again and i just cannot care about it any longer.

also, since i might as well throw this in too, if you genuinely think snc are malicious in any compacity - STOP WATCHING THEM. why are you here if you genuinely think colby is a slutty manwhore who fucks anything that moves and is malicious and a shitty friend and whatever other random nonsense you think he is?? why are you here if you think sam is a terrible boyfriend who's also a bit of creep and has as shitty gf and again, whatever random other shit you believe???? why are you here???? you don't like snc anymore, and yet you waste your time talking about them. what you really like is the tea that comes from them and the ppl they have surrounded themselves with. i implore you to log off and find a hobby or a content creator you ACTUALLY like.

(also none of this was really directed at yall. more so the fandom et large. sorry if it felt like i was yelling at you guys. wasn't what i was trying to do here lol)

[savingthrcw]

little venting on dash about ptsd, the portrayal of it in fandom and D.octor W.ho

okay not to suck intensely but I made the mistake of looking at the Doctor W.ho tag and I swear, the way tumblr talks about ptsd, trauma and shows where there is PTSD and trauma, is like... accidentally bound to make some real people's PTSD feel worse

the whole 'he has PTSD, he FAKES smiling, he's breaking down, he hides the pain behinf eveything is does' (especially said about a show that I generally associate with hope) is just... you KNOW people with PTSD can also be happy and really smile, right? WHILE suffering from it? And not just 'sometimes, but every day, and then yes, maybe they get triggered and are a nervous wreck for weeks, maybe a lot of their activities is with the purpose of feeling better *or* to escape feeling bad, they can overworry and have a negative view of every outcome of actions they take, they can avoid discussing things (or overshare!) and every person is different, just like the way they face whatever disorder they have is different.

My PTSD can lead me to 10 days straight of constant nightmares as soon as I close my eyes, which makes me sleep deprived and angry and teary, and has a constellation of symptoms that make hard to live in society, and I will still have hope and laugh, and it's not pretend-laughing. When I look at characters on tv with pts, every time a character is trying to deal with, either they *are* trying to hide pain or maybe they are just trying to live, but it doesn't make a difference, the fandom will say they are 100000% depressed and a bottomless pit of despair

and it makes me feel like... real people with PTSD who are just now learning they have it and what it is, will see this and think 'oh so that's how I'll end up, if I'm trying to be happy now it means I'm faking it and running from the inevitable' because damn it, I had to question myself a few times because of tumblr and I hate that I did, what more people with less self-awareness? Am I too happy? Does it mean it's not real and I'm avoiding the pain? No! PTSD is often accompanied by depression (which is not also a 'you can never smile' disorder) but doesn't come hand in hand with it, it's not automatic, and it's a bummer to watch my comfort shows only to read over and over how as soon as you got traumas your life is a forever tragedy and 'he has to heal!' -proceeds to discount everything he has done to do so, just because he still has avoidance (totally normal even if he's doing better, especially if traumas keep happening!) or hasn't fully healed yet (lots of people don't fully heal at all) and invalidates every second of happiness he has-

It feels like the opposite message of the Doctor, who says you smile because you know you'll be sad later. You really DO SMILE and then you are sad and then YOU SMILE AGAIN. Maybe you'll have an angry fit over something stupid later. Maybe you'll realize you are still hoping for everything to be better soon.

PTSD is heavy as hell for me, it's behind everything I do and think, but I can count on my hand how many time I have actually lost hope (temporarily), my breakdowns, and it just bothers me to read not only on D.octor Who but basically any show in which a character isn't broody about their trauma 'they are hiding their pain behind a smile' like yeah, SOMETIMES, sure, but other times we just smile, we still find things worth living for. Obviously there are people with PTSD who don't, but it's not a prerequisite of having PTSD. PTSD is trauma your brain can't elaborate, sometimes complex, sometimes it's part of how you grew up, it's not being unable to feel any happiness. And I feel like if the Doctor, thousands of years old, actually felt the way fandom thinks PTSD works, he'd have simply chosen not to regenerate no matter how much his friends begged, his story is about hope, not total despair, he keeps having bad stuff happening and being upset because it's a tvshow, if the show had ended with 14 he would have had a shot at being fine, unlike the Doctor described by the fandom, it's just that the season has to continue and if 15 is perfectly fine there are no emotional plots.

I guess all I want to say it... it bothers me that every single show, but especially the ones meant for children, are dissected and instead of a more complex view of pain and trauma that still involves, you know, will to live and some hope, I always have to choose between staying away from the fandom (though sometimes it's just for their weird takes due to shipping) or being subjected to metas that take away any hope and would make me not want to look at the show, because if you convince me that there is only pain and it's just too much to get better, I do NOT want to see that, I have enough in real life, thank you.

[ancientagentalien]

I just wanted to get on here and talk about something real quick. It's kind of a vent post, but it has some good topics to cover. I'm sure this can be pointed towards some of you or people you know.

These were responses to a story I posted on my snapchat. Basically, my story was about the genocide going on right now. This just shows me that there are humans who aren't... human. Yknow what I mean?

If you can watch a genocide and respond like this, you are not a person. Not to me, at least. I know that probably won't hold any place in anybody heart, but I feel like it must be said. After a certain line, people are no longer people.

And seriously? "Womp womp"? I beg your finest pardon? This is about MILLIONS of innocent people dying because Isreal can't be happy with what they have. Innocent mothers, fathers, children, friends, citizens. A majority of them are dead now. And for what? Because another country couldn't continue following international laws?

Are you a sociopath, psychopath, or sadist? Those are your only options, and none of them are compliments despite what other people may tell you.

It has gotten to the point where a man from the airforce, Aaron Bushnell, set himself on fire because that was the only way his voice would be heard. And even now, they are trying to silence it. He is a hero, and you don't get to speak if you think otherwise. If he was alive and did this in any other part of history, he would be deemed a hero.

They say he was mentally ilI. I have watched the video, uncensored and past the point where he fell over. This was a fully sound man with conviction. His face, voice, and choice of words made it abundantly clear that he was fully aware of everything he was doing and the lasting effects it would have. If he were mentally ill, Palestine would be the last thing on his mind. He would have just set himself on fire without a care for anything else in the world (also, he would not be in uniform because the airforce would not have employed him). He continued to scream the words "free Palestine" as he burned alive. After it was too much and he couldn't talk, he forced himself to scream it one last time. He then shook and fell over. He died not long after, as I'm sure most of you know. This completely sane member of the American airforce's last words were "free Palestine" and we still cannot find the motivation to do anything that truly helps. What the fuck is wrong with people?

Nothing on this earth will convince me that there is anything good happening or that Isreal is the victim that they're trying to look like. Palestine can hardly create bombs powerful enough to fully take out a full building, and Isreal is a military superpower. To put that in perspective, I give you an analogy: imagine the world's most experienced and skilled basketball player matched against someone with both of their arms amputated. Does that seem fair at all? No? Then why do you think this genocide does?

How many people have to die for no reason before something actually gets done about it? Tiktok sounds and filters aren't going to help. They haven't this whole time. Money won't help. You know what will? Action. Sending people to fight and rescue. We did it when Hitler did his genocide. How is this, at its core, any different. People who don't deserve it are dying because someone else has an ideal that they think is more important than human lives.

Nobody who supports Isreal's actions is a good person. I'm ashamed to be the same species as them.

Genocide for the stupid reason of "you have to do what I want cuz I said so."

Think about that.

[bi-kisses]

I wanted to thank you for the post you just made about detrans people, I really needed to hear that support right now since we don't really get much empathy these days. People just talk about us as statistics and bargaining chips and not really as people, it feels like. I won't pretend to know everything about the detrans/desist circles since I'm still new to it myself but I've experienced enough that so far anytime I see someone talking about detrans it's usually to win arguments or they only talk about misdiagnosed detransitioners, and those of us who were correctly diagnosed and are and always have been sex dysphoric get ignored. I guess we don't really 'fit' anyone's argument well enough for them to want to acknowledge us. It's a really sucky life to live for lack of a more formal wording; the only treatment that's really out there for this dysphoria is transitioning and when it doesn't work, it's a very bleak way to live. I never really understood why some people years into their transitions are still nearly as miserable as before they started or still attempt suicide, but now I do. I don't mean to vent or traumadump too much, for a little context as insight on a personal example: I had an unsuccessful transition. I was transitioned as a minor and now in my 20s I suffer from health complications, mostly regarding my heart and hemoglobin and all that (I've had heart palpitations/irregular heartbeat since I was 19 or 20), and I can no longer continue medically transitioning unless I want to see an early cardiac arrest or death from its worsening. The doctors that gave me transition treatment will not give me detransition treatment nor referrals so I'm on my own now. Not to mention I am stuck looking like a teenage boy and will never be able to look like a fully grown man which causes a lot of dysphoria and pain since the only reason I transitioned was to be a man, not to be a forever teenager. I don't regret the transition's effects of masculinizing me, if anything I wish there were more, but it's been 10 years so there's no more to be gained. At this point if I detransitioned fully I don't think I'd look like a woman either so I'm pretty much stuck suffering no matter what I do or don't do next in terms of continuing or stopping social aspects of my transition. I'm not sure if it's because I was transitioned too young or because I just have shit genes, but this is my situation and it is permanent.

Anyway, I'm sure there are many other detransitioners/desistors out there like me in similar situations. It's our lives, our realities, and it's a lot of suffering to have ignored and not have much support for. Not to mention how it's pretty much impossible to talk to friends and family about for fear of them lashing out that they think you 'betrayed' them or 'lied' or 'made a stupid mistake' so we don't have a lot of safe places to talk about this kind of thing. I even feel like I have to stay on anon to be able to safely talk about this here.

My heart goes out to you, and idk if it's any comfort but I have for sure seen several people in similar situations where they ARE dysphoric and would love to live as the opposite sex but it just isn't viable. Usually it's seen with trans women, as transitioning from male to female is notoriously luck dependent genetically speaking, but health issues have impeded trans guys I've known too.

I can't believe you aren't able to receive medical support for your detransition, that's fucking awful and those doctors should be held accountable for not providing what is, imo, a necessary service to help you live in a comfortable and healthy manor.

I'm not detrans, but I have a pretty fucking irritating health condition that makes my day to day really uncomfortable. I totally understand that helplessness. Doctors have been useless to me so far (I'm on, like, my third different specialist just hoping this one figures out what's wrong). Sometimes all we can do is figure out what works so that each day is worth getting through, even if we can't live in an ideal way.

Lots of love for you and I hope things get better soon. Feel free to reach out anytime.

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

Sorry this turned more into me venting than a question lol. Your blog just kinda feels like a safe space 🙃

My appreciation for jungkook has grown so much this year. I've just never seen an idol genuinely care and appreciate his fans the way jk does. I know he goes above and beyond, so what he does shouldn't be expected... but I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that no other member has gone live. Maybe it'll change in the next few hours, but if it doesn't, then it just sucks because don't they want to say goodbye to us? We're not gonna see them for 18 months :( I know they did the group live but it was so chaotic 😅 I would think they might want to do a solo one to just say everything that's on their mind like jungkook did. I know a lot of people have been coming for jk about parasocial relationships and whatnot, but I honestly believe it goes both ways. Like you could just feel how much he cares by the way he stops and makes sure to greet and bow at every fan or the way he always rolls down his car window no matter what (even when we don't deserve it). I've seen how other idols sometimes just walk past fans/crowds without a glance. Jk comes on lives just to chat with us, while other idols usually only go on when they're promoting. Jungkook isn't my bias, so maybe that's why I'm feeling a bit hurt and jealous lol... how are you handling the enlistment news?

Thanks! My blog is always a safe space for asks like these! <3

It's true that Jungkook has really connected with Army this year. He's always loved us, but I think now he feels so much more confident being himself around us and has developed the kind of relationship he wants with us, so he's much more comfortable going live. Maybe before negative comments affected him more, and he was careful in what he said or did, but now that he can shrug off the haters and be himself fully, I think he's gotten closer to us and our relationship has improved! I think Armys really became friends to Jungkook in a way we weren't before. But maybe I'm wrong. I've only been Army since 2019, and the COVID era was an anomaly. Jungkook also had more free time to go live in the beginning of the year compared to before.

But, yeah, all the other members went live! Jimin went live for a short while, I think V went live too (I'm not sure), but he shared many pics and goodbye letters so that was enough! I'm not sure if RM went live but I think he might've a while back. He shared so many pics, letters, song recs, etc. though - his goodbye letter was so Namjoon and more than enough... I think they all said goodbye. Jimin probably did the least, but since he doesn't seem to take pics and doesn't know what to say during lives, I think he went more quietly.

The parassocial accusations for Jungkook are pure bullshit. Kpop stans need to unlearn that word. That man has drawn clear limits - he's told stalkers off multiple times, said fans need to deal if he does something they don't want even though he understands everyone likes different things (ie. Seven explicit lyrics) - so I don't get why JK calling Armys his girlfriends (usually when they ask) or talking about how much he loves us is such a big deal. I'm sure if any fan seriously told him not to date someone because Army was his girlfriend, he'd tell them off politely.

I think people just want to assume the worst of Jungkook. And kpop stans sadly hate other stans so they can never understand the idea of an idol genuinely liking their fans...

Anyway, I thought I was going to be so heartbroken when Jungkook left but I'm too sick (with the flu) and busy with work to process it. I still can't believe Suga is enlisted... He went so quietly it feels like he's just in one of his phases where he goes off the grid lmao.

Tbh, even with Jin and Hobi, though I miss Jin especially, what I miss most is the group and not any individual member. I'll miss Jungkook a lot though for sure - just not now.

BTS is all enlisted... There is no BTS now... They'll come back in two years... I think it's too early for us to process what this means. For the next few months nothing much will change. We already have content lined up. But somewhere down the line, it'll hit us more.

Thanks for the ask! How are you coping with the enlistment?

[galaxitix]

Just a vent feel free to ignore(⁠◕⁠ᴗ⁠◕⁠✿⁠)

Okay whoever said new year, new me is a fudging lair. It's a new year and I'm still suffering from my social anxiety.

Just who's laying in bed, hungry because they were too much of a coward to walk into a crowded kitchen(crowded due to small size, only two people were in it) and get food while my grandparents have their peoples over celebrating New Year's at my grandparents' place.

I left my room like 3 times because I was hungry and I walked back with nothing. It's not that the people who are here are mean or anything, they're all kind. I just got heavy anxiety around them despite the fact this isn't my first time around any of them. (Heck I got anxious around my own family members who I partially grew up with)

On top of that they had the grill going on in the backyard (kitchen leads out to the backyard) and whatever they used to light that grill sicks my stomach to the point I wanna throw up, might have thrown up if i stayed later)

I tried a different approach by going to my grandfather instead but he was in the living room with the rest of the guests who weren't in the kitchen or around the grill and my nerves nearly suffocate me, I ended up just greeting everyone and making small talk(read attempted to make small talk) and then went back to room and stayed there.

So I'm stayed in my room until the guests have left and I think 'ok maybe now I can get food'...ha nope, there was nothing left so I thought okay at least what should have been left aside for my mother was here but guess what?

There's nothing and I thought maybe I was just blind so I asked my grandfather cause he was still out and he just asked me 'what' and he thought I did...

I love my grandpa I really do but he knows full and well, I can't stand the scent of the grill cause of whatever they used to fuel the fire and my room is fully in range where he can tell I hardly left. what do you mean you thought I did it?

Now I'm on the verge of a meltdown/panic attack, I'm hungry and I feel a mess of emotions I can't even decide or identify right now.

Another thing about this whole situation that ticks me off is it doesn't matter if I'm the host or not cause in the end I get nothing out of it. Normally I manage the grill and to think after all the work, i could reap what I sow but nope by the time I'm done grilling everything, the food is already gone so I can't even taste or enjoy what I stand over a grill cooking for the past hour or 2. So yeah, I lost my passion for grilling becus what's the point if I get nothing out of it. (And this happen 4 times, must be a sign or something)

So this grill session, I decide to just sit back and let someone else deal with the grill so maybe finally I can get to enjoy a nice grilled meal...but nope, as said before social anxiety nearly killed me out here.

Like grandpa I can handle your friends/company and theirs kids or niece or whatever in small groups but all at once. Are you trying to give me an early funeral? And this is the first time I have been around all at once before this, the largest group was 8 or so people but 15 maybe more, hell no. (My grandparents house is small, two bedrooms, a bathroom, kitchen and living room all connected by one small hallway, most of the guests were outside, either on the verandah or around the backyard where the grill was, summary: it was packed)

Currently, the house is quiet and I'm about to be petty and occupied the kitchen at this time making no means to be quite, sorry not sorry, I need to let out this frustration and get something to eat

(though, they're probably used to my late night cooking/baking session because it's the only time I feel comfortable cooking/baking)

Honestly can't tell if I'm just being really selfish or justified but I don't care that this point, all that matters is food rn

Peace (⁠◕⁠ᴗ⁠◕⁠✿⁠) ✌️