#my mom was a school psychologist though

[pinazee]

Murder?…Anyone? …Anyone?…Bueller?

First of all, solid title.

Secondly, im back (sort of). Lets get into it!

I LOVE this episode. I love the insight into who gus and shawn were as teenagers, i love how gus and shawn are both stuck in the past in different ways, and i love Abigail Lytar!

From the first moment we meet her, we know that she gets Shawn. She not only clocks his judd nelson pic, she also plays along with the joke and makes another obscure reference.

Abigail is the best love triangle addition in the history of television and i will die on that hill! They made her a genuine “competitor” to juliet by writing her as someone almost catered to shawns personality.

Normally with love triangles, they write the “competition” as less compelling of a choice to really emphasize how the mains are end goal OR they’ll make the decision split the center characters personalities, so like one choice will be the girl next door and represents the past version of them and the other is more career focused and represents the future (think sweet home alabama, uh, 13 going on 30, romcoms in general, you get it) And to a degree, thats sort of what this is with abigail and juliet, except it doesn’t split them in a way that is determined by shawn. Like, who shawn chooses doesn’t impact who he’ll be. The choice isnt a lesson or a determination of his character, if that makes sense. Plus, theres no caveat to Abigail. Like, she’d be perfect for him if it wasn’t for ___. None of that. Abigail and Shawn could have worked (ill go into it more in season 4 when they finally do get together).

Sidenote: i think her dynamic with both shawn and gus was really cute (which is another win in the abigail is a great love triangle addition column)

So apparently Shawns recall is so good he can do an instant replay. Idk if i should add that to his list of skills or just lump that into his existing memory power. I also love though, that its a blurry image because thats how Shawn saw it and they didn’t try to make him super human and see it in high definition.

Ravi shinkar is a heck of a reference to make and an even crazier one for lassie to have seen and shawn to understand haha

There was a joke made by Gus that Shawn didn’t know anything about their senior class or what happened senior year or the school, but I’d like to point out that his parents were on the brink of a divorce and then did divorce his senior year so im guessing he was pretty distracted. This is kind of random, but im wondering when Shawn decided he wasn’t going to be a cop like his dad. Like what was his tipping point. I always thought it was after his mom left because she said when she left she thought he would be okay, which to me meant that he had his path set. Now, because of how he didnt seem to care for school at all and was already off doing his own adventures (becoming part of the janitors society to get keys presumably for some reason) he was already aimless. Maddie was either delusional or Shawn lied to her? Idk im over thinking this silly cop show.

Now, the box of cop cars is not unexpected. We know who henry is. But this little bit actually tells us that Maddie never bought him other cars?? If I’m Maddie, and my husband is training my kid to become something i must have noticed he didn’t want to be because I’m a psychologist, I’m going to say something! Idk, maybe part of the reason they divorced was because of how henry was with Shawn, but then why would she leave him behind and think he was okay? So, i guess, i don’t understand why Maddie wouldn’t have pushed back. Why wouldn’t she buy shawn other toy cars for him to play with to provide choices for him. There is the possibility that shawn never told her that henrys training made him miserable because they were already fighting and didn’t want to give them another reason. Again, over thinking.

Some smaller notes:

-low blow for Gus to straight up tell Shawn no one had any expectations for him. Like i get he’s having a quarter life crisis or whatever, but, all the same, rude.

-that prom queen was Serinda Swan who was in a show called breakout kings with our own Mary Lightly aka Jimmi Simpson :)

-my favorite thing about carlton is that he’s a good head detective and yet has absolutely the worst instincts around. Like true south all the time.

P.S

“What does every great john hughes movie have? A love triangle!” Omg i just now saw what they did there and now i feel like an idiot lol

[alexaloraetheris]

I juat remembered the day, about two months ago, when I went to renew my perscription and ended up derailed by some kind of divine influence that really, really wanted my help. 😂

So I have an appointment at 9. First thing I do is sleep in because my alarm simply did not ring. First time that happened. I cursed out the damn phone and ordered a taxi, which I had specifically hoping to avoid because of the traffic congestion.

My driver is a woman a bit older than me, and she's in a good mood so we chat. She told me she was thinking of moving to [city on the coast] because taxi drivers are paid better there, and I tell her I have family there, we comment on what it's like to drive in a city essentially built into three hills and a cliff. She mentiones she has scoliosis, and it sometimes impacts her ability to sit in a car for long periods of time. I had scoliosis as well, but I had managed to fix it with exercises almost completely so I recommended my physical therapist, and assured her it's not too late, because some of the people in my therapy group were even older than her. When she let me off she thanked me for the help.

Feeling good that, even if I had to pay out the nose for the ride, I got there in time and even managed to do a good deed. I rush in, tell the reception guy I'm here to see my doctor and settle in to wait.

Two hours later, I see people being called in but not my name. I ask why, and doctor looks at me blankly and says I'm not in the system. I have to tell the reception I've arrived so I show up on his schedule.

I'm mentally cursing out the entire hospital, but I wasn't raised by wolves. I thank the doctor, politely tell the different receptionist that the last guy probably didn't hear me when I told him my appointment, got added in and went back to wait.

Ten minutes later, a visibly nervous girl with freshly printed papers sits in the waiting room. I'm in a bit of a mood, but I'm also a firm believer in helping if I can. I paste on a smile and ask 'First time?' and she admits she just got sent here for a potential ADHD diagnosis and she had no idea what to do. Having been there and knowing exactly how hard it was to do it on your own, I gave her the number of the psychologist who made my diagnosis, assured her that the psychiatrist she was here to see is the same one I have and that he's a good guy, explained what ADHD actually was and how the meds work. She was neraly crying with relief by the time I was done, and I promised she could send me questions if she needs to.

I finally, finally go in for my appointment in a slightly better mood, only for my psychiatrist to tell me Concerta is no longer imported, I have to go on some other meds and for that I need my family doctor to sign off on a regular perscription instead of getting an Rx perscription from him.

This is the worst case scenario, because I do NOT want my mother, who thinks ADHD was invented by quack American psychologists to sell expensive meds to parents with unruly children, to know I have ADHD. So I mentally curse out the entire healthcare system, go to the family doctor and explain the situation, that my mother absolutely CANNOT know about my diagnosis. Even though the doctor was not aware of my diagnosis so far, she listens attentively, and we make sure that my mom can't check the insurance we're both under to see what meds I'm on or that if she checks my name in the pharmacy directory she can't see me either.

I thought I handled that situation rather well but I must have looked more worried than I thought, because the doctor admitted her high-school age granddaughter had been asking questions about psychologists and antidepressants and she had so far been dismissive. But if she really needs help, she might do the same thing I did and seek help on her own, and my doctor realized she ought to either change her attitude fast or be left in the dark while her granddaughter is struggling. So I told her which psychologist I went to when I was also a depressed high schooler and how it helped and what I would have wanted my family to keep in mind. She thanks me and hands me a new perscription and sends me on my way.

So by now I am starting to notice a pattern.

Now, I'm actually an atheist, and I have 'Culturally Catholic' as a flaw and a laundry list of Stuff(TM) I have had to unlearn, but sometimes I really wonder if Someone Up There looked at me that day and thought:

"Hmm, looks like I have three problems I can solve with one well-positioned dumbass. Time to ruin her day for the good of the world!"

I mean. Happy to help but I really hope ruining my day won't be necessary next time.

[happykinzz]

random marble hornets headcanons i need to share

Amy worked at a beauty boutique and specialized specifically in hair and makeup

She was also one of those super nice girls that would always compliment her clients and boost their confidence, :))

I know it's canon that Tim worked construction, but I do think at one point (either pre or post mh), he worked at a Home Depot or Ace Hardware for a long time.

Speaking of canon Tim facts , since he liked photography I think he specifically liked to take photos of sunsets, monuments, and those weird copper statues of children playing that you find on the street.

Brian played baseball in High School and was pretty good at it

He was so good at it he could've gone pro, but didn't cause his heart wasn't really in it (his parents made him do it in the first place)

Since Brian was a psychology major, I think if he ever graduated he would've become a child psychologist or an EMT

I know you need a lot more than a psychology degree to become an EMT but I just think that job just suits him

Brian also hikes a lot, and takes many photos of the plants and critters he finds along the way

He had a blog that documented all his findings, and always mentioned facts he found about the plants and animals he discovered

Whenever Brian and Tim hang out they like to either watch shitty horror flicks or shitty reality TV ( TLC, Maury, Dr Phil, Real Housewives, etc )

They both like to annoy Alex with their shows cause they know Alex thinks they're all stupid and are "mindless programming"

Alex's mom and Amy got along really well

Speaking of Moms

After Tim's mom abandoned him, she went on to become one of those "Lolcows" that constantly go on Instagram Live and argue with the "trolls" that are being mean to her

She's one of those people that believe that essential oils can cure every terminal illness ever and scams a lot of people with Go-Fund Me's and MLM scams she tries to sell

When people find out she basically left her kid to rot in a mental institution for the rest of his life it becomes a big thing and everyone on the internet is talking about her (karmas a bitch)

Nobody is actually able to get in contact with the actual kid though (Tim wants nothing to do with the situation, leave my man ALONE)

Brian had a lot of younger siblings that he always got a bunch of gifts for whenever he came home for holidays

[sophieinwonderland]

r/FakeDisorderCringe doesn't know what biblical canon is, atheists are offended by saying God is plural, and other people casually throwing out some blasphemies and ableism!

👎

For uncreative title.

Atheists Pretending To Be Deeply Offended...

So, let me guess, you're not actually Christian are you?

Those guys sure aren't.

So weird how people pretend to be offended over a religion they aren't even a part of.

(Let's be real though, that's most of the tulpa discourse.)

Oh... you considered converting.

That clearly gives you a say in this conversation. /s

Meanwhile, my host actually lived the religion. He was Christian through his teenage years, and as a child helped his mom teach Sunday School and went to sleep every night on a Noah's Ark pillow.

Sorry, I distracted from your point. We're thieves stealing from a religion. 🙄

Okay, let's talk "canon!"

I just... I LOVE this whole conversation! 🤣

THIS is actual cringe.

Does anyone see the issue here?

I'll let u/AdSuccessful3533 spell it out. Possibly the only person with sense in the thread.

It's not just Catholic Canon either, but Biblical Canon! Like, there's a whole Wikipedia article on it!

The sheer self-righteous ignorance of r/Fakerdisordercringe (and r/systemscringe) never ceases to amaze me.

All of these people so bent out of shape over the use of "canon" to describe biblical text as if that's not been in use for hundreds of years!

"Something a middle schooler would say."

The Heresies!

That's correct. This is NOT the modalism heresy.

Modalism suggests God is a single unified being who reveals himself in different forms. God being plural would mean that God is three beings in one. This is completely in-line with the views of Trinitarianism.

An example of the modalism heresy would be more like this...

Comparing God to Optimus Prime, arguing that they're just different forms like Optimus Prime in a truck form vs him in a robot form, is modalism.

But if modalism isn't enough, we've got some tritheism too!

Besides the tritheism... it's really hard to take people who are calling tulpas appropriative seriously when they don't even know basic facts about the most popular religion in the world.

Also, the part about System not being a term for a person with DID is technically correct. System is, rather, the term used for the total collection of all the alters. But it is very much a term used by psychologists and it's accurate to refer to the Trinity as a system in this way.

Also, if the Tritheism bothers you, don't worry! We're going to go right back to modalism.

The H2O metaphor is controversial for the same reason as comparing God to Optimus Prime. It suggests God is simply changing form to become these different things.

Miscellaneous

Can you show me that rabbit hole?

I'm the one who Tweeted that, and have NEVER been on the OSDD sub.

Who do you think I am?

No... it definitely doesn't sound right. Religion shouldn't just be a thing for neurotypicals.

If one believes in God, then surely God made all people, including those of us who have mental illnesses. Why should Christianity and biblical references be kept away from people with mental illness other than ableism?

I mean, if by in peace, you mean without endogenic systems, then no. You can't.

We're here and we aren't going away. Ever.

And we exist in all spaces, including in your churches and your religious communities. And Christian systems shouldn't be expected to hide who they are because our existence bothers bigots like you.

We're going to share this world, and we're going to share spaces. And that includes churches and religious spaces too. Deal with it. 🤷‍♀️

Acknowledgements:

I would like to thank everyone at r/fakedisordercringe for giving me the free material. For a subreddit that's designed to laugh at people for supposed "cringe," you all sure are a goldmine for it! 😜

[zyonsay]

Yall are gonna be hearing some premium swiss german in my new joost series. Like full on bernese. Maybe some Zurich dialect too if i can find the masochism within to do that to myself.

Also another lil spoiler: i‘ll be projecting a lot onto the reader, specifically the problems i had growing up in a country where i was always seen as a foreigner even though i was born here.

(Rant/vent)

No matter how well i speak the language, no matter how much i try to integrate, i‘ll always be a foreigner. I‘ll always get stereotyped no matter if its the psychologists office, the classroom in my ‚inclusive and tight knit‘ school or even in church.

I‘ve had an identity crisis all my life. I learnt german as a first language because my mom didnt want me to struggle with language in school. But i never learnt the language the rest of my entire family speaks, Portuguese. I didnt fit in with the swiss kids, since they were all ‚real‘ swiss people and i didnt even have swiss citizenship. I didnt fit in with the portuguese kids because they all thought i was a ‚fake‘ portuguese because i dont speak the language.

My family hates me for not speaking their language and i hate myself for it too. Im grateful i never struggled with german, im actually very good at it, but i wish i wouldve been gifted the culture and tongue of my family.

I know it sounds simple ‚ohh, just learn it tf‘ but its more difficult than that. Firstly, im already learning 3 languages at school, plus dutch which i picked up because its quite easy to learn for swiss speakers.

I dont want to learn it like another duolingo course, but i want to speak it as my mothers tongue. I want the dialect the people from my hometown have, i want to know the slang that the boys playing football on the big sandy field next to my grandmas house use. I want to be fluent and find other portuguese people here in switzerland and be like „fala português??“

I want the community, i want the solidarity. For once i dont want to be the foreigner.

[princess-lvcifer]

vent about depression and blah blah blahhh

After talking to my psychologist yesterday I spoke to my mother and told her how bad I really am because of personal things that happened to me at the end of the summer, and my physical health problems that don't help (I'm having a flare of ulcerative colitis right now). The worst thing is the apathy (when I feel nothing I usually come back to my older fandoms, especially Pokémon as a coping mechanism because it's something really important to me that has seen me grow and has a lot of content so it's easy to distract myself). I've literally overcome worse things (both physically and mentally) and luckily I'm a very mentally strong girl with a mother who understands and respects what I'm going through, and I think the rest of my family will do the same when I dare to open up. I feel bad for wasting my aunt's money (even though I literally didn't asked her to assign me, she assigned me in driver's school literally without warning nor asking exactly a year ago) but for this very reason I don't think I will take the car licence test, or at least neither I nor any of my family members expect me to pass it if I do it. Even writing fanfics and watching shows or going out, that are things that I love, are exhausting right now, so no, I can't even think about studying something I dislike... I told her that I feel like I'm perceived as lazy and I feel bad for not being productive but she told me that it's okay and normal how I'm feeling and that she only wants me to be healthy and happy, that she knows how stress and sadness affects my stomach. I have the best mom in the entire world.

[queerprayers]

hi johanna! i want to try going to church, but feel self-conscious. i live in a small town, my friends are not religious and my family is ex-christian. i'm worried about people judging me, even though i know that shouldn't matter. some of my family seem embarrassed of how christian we used to be and they'd be surprised i want to go to church. i feel equally worried about walking into a church where everyone knows everyone but me or seeing someone i know! any thoughts are welcome. love your blog!

Hello, beloved!

I'm sure you're not alone in this situation—honestly, it can be kinda embarrassing to genuinely want to participate in faith, the way it's embarrassing to be earnest about anything. People who aren't religious can completely misunderstand the motivations and experiences of religious people, and while I don't know why your family left religion, both people who just weren't all that into it and people who have been hurt by or have serious issues with the church can be (sometimes understandably) antagonistic toward people who stay or join. 

Perhaps judgment "shouldn't" matter—but it does, to most everyone. Something something how our brains are wired to desire acceptance—I'm not a psychologist. It makes sense and it's okay. Caring what people think often coexists with empathy—they're both awareness of others, desiring good emotions in others. But we cannot let empathy become fear of ourselves. Empathy extends to our own souls too. Being genuinely faithful in the face of judgment from outside and within your communities takes strength. Creating a life of your own is terrifying. This isn't fair, but it is our calling. 

In recent years, I've embraced the uncool-ness of my earnestness—my beloved amalgam of philosophy and religion that started as an apocalyptic cult and was co-opted by empire and has a lot of weirdos and needs to repent of its crimes and has produced some of the most beautiful art in the world and that attracts people to the walls of churches even after everything. I'm almost glad in some ways that it's not the assumption anymore that everyone is Christian, that more and more you have to go out of your way to be part of this thing. (I'm not completely naive—I know that where I live is a majority Christian country, and I am not pretending oppression or minority status or counterculture. But I am often met with surprise that I'm Christian, and I treasure that.)

The small town thing is its own beast—I live in a city (small but I think it counts), but I currently go to church half an hour away in a very rural area, and there's a specific environment of knowing everyone that I only have a tiny experience with but can imagine how exposed it must feel to try something new or change your life in any small way. And there is definitely a small church culture that can feel intimidating, like sitting at a new table in high school, wondering if somewhere tight knit has room for another. I can never promise this, but I know with my church and many others, welcoming a new person into that tight knit community is the most natural thing in the world. You'll probably get a more personal welcome, and be invited to more potlucks, and I can't promise someone there won't know your mom, but it's doable even as an introvert. Church people want more people at church—in lovely communal ways or in evangelistic ways, and while I hope you meet the former, even the latter has its own welcome. There are definitely ways to dip your toes in the water of church without braving this—like visiting a church while you're out of town, or tuning into a virtual service—but I believe in you to take it a step further. If you come a few minutes late and leave a few minutes early to avoid any conversation, I salute you. If you see someone you know and flee the other direction, I understand. If you go once and have to wait a few months to be brave enough to go back, so be it. But you have as much a right to exist on holy ground as anyone, and you already have common ground to stand on because you want to be there, just like them. I don't know how many churches are near you, but you're already going outside your comfort zone, so you might as well step into one that you're not familiar with—a more traditional mass, or a hippie sing-along. Don't set limits on your journey that is about pushing past limits.

You want to try this out, and it probably feels lonely, and you'll have to stomach surprise and probably being looked down upon by people who feel they know better, feel they have evolved past the need for silly little ritual, or for whom religion only exists as closed-mindedness. I don't know if you're queer, but I've had similar experiences of being the one to embrace where God and my heart lead me, to the embarrassment or shame of those who have never encountered it or have stifled it within themselves.  You'll have to stand your ground, the way anyone who seeks something their family and friends don't has to do. Formulate some answers for questions you may receive—but no one has a right to your story. You're allowed to be casual about things that are deeply personal, you can say "I don't know, I was just curious" when everything in your soul is calling out for this. Being publicly faithful often comes after you've done the reconciling within yourself. Have patience.

If you're into saints, find some who have gone their own way—Francis of Assisi comes to mind. I even think of Moses, telling a member of his own adoptive family to let his people go, standing his ground for people he had only recently come to love. The faithful that have come before us had to live through—and die from—so much. Entering new communities has always needed strength, the strength of God. Often a lonely way at first, but your family's embarrassment or your friends' lack of understanding is not your burden. Their judgment is on them to swallow down or bear the guilt of acting on it. Your choices and calling is for them to reconcile. I'm not saying we should do whatever we want without regard for how it affects others, but you are not causing harm, and any tension will not have been created by you going to church, but by them disliking or not understanding this fact. And tension is sometimes necessary for people to reconcile with—it'll be good for them. You're probably doing them a favor—we all need to learn how to love people the way they will need to. It sucks to feel like a teaching tool, and I don't want to reduce you to that, but so often living a full life means people who can't deal with that have to learn. Looking at someone embracing what you never found a way to flourish within or understand is like looking at the sun sometimes—I've been there. But it is not for us to apologize for the light. And it often happens that being that light will move someone else to bravery.

I'm sorry it falls on you to be brave first. I'm sorry that religion is not simple or easy, but genuine desire can and will take you so far. I have a hunch that after the first time, a lot of things will make more sense. Beginning is half of the journey sometimes. If you've already begun since writing this, I'm very proud of you, and if you haven't, you have so much beautiful time. Faith is not all or nothing, and it is never too late. Life does not begin and end in your small town, and life can and will flourish—you are part of such a big world and history, for better and worse.

God is with you, regardless. God is right there, walking with you, moving your feet over the threshold of places you muster so much bravery just to enter. What shouldn't matter but does, deeply, heartbreakingly, can be both taken seriously and let go of, through the peace of Christ.

<3 Johanna

[justanotherjaydrawing]

Long post of headcanons incoming. (mostly SakuAtsu but shh) (CW for ableism and brief discussion of homophobia? Probably not necessary but better safe than sorry)

- Sakusa has EDS (specifically hEDS)

- ^^ he has thin and stretchy skin (and visible veins)

- ^ might have been self-conscious about that when younger (but Atsumu loves tracing all his veins so he’s less self-conscious about it these days)

- Ushijima was his first crush, though I don’t think it is that deep necessarily, but more that Sakusa finally saw another boy who cared about hygiene and was like thank fuck I’m not gonna be stuck with the gross boys I’m surrounded by, there’s a chance for me lmao

- ^ connected to that, I do think that Sakusa is only attracted to men and found it very distressing, not for homophobic reasons but simply because women are usually cleaner and the idea of dating someone who doesn’t wash their hands after peeing horrified him lol

- Lots of his joints are prone to dislocation or subluxation. Specifically his shoulders and knees.

- he used to avoid carrying heavy things with his left arm because it would just pop out of the socket.

- Sakusa grew up in a very ableist household. Rich parents insisting on having perfect children resulted in Sakusa pushing through a lot more than he should have

- a doctor suggested he was autistic and his parents asked if it could be ‘fixed’. When the doctor said no, they just claimed he wasn’t autistic and moved on.

- Sakusa didn’t address any of his mental health issues until his second year of university. He only realised because he was talking to his doctor about his symptoms, worried it was some underlying disease, only to be told it was anxiety and suggested to see a psychologist

- Sakusa almost didn’t see a psychologist, but ended up doing it out of rebellion against his parents.

- Rebel. Take care of yourself. I believe in you.

- It took him a long time to get confident enough about his disability to tell Komori that saying things like “its usually just in his head” is a pretty shitty thing to say to someone who has chronic joint issues. Komori is super apologetic because he hadn’t realised he was belittling Sakusa’s problems.

- Komori feels super guilty about it and ends up going down a rabbit hole of disability rights research and makes sure to speak up against ableism at every chance he gets. (not me, wishing for a Komori in my life lmao let me have this)

- Sakusa is very popular among the girls while in school, partly due to the fact he doesn’t hit on them but also they find him hilarious when he rags on the other boys in their classes.

- In university Sakusa and Yachi become friends

- idk who came up with the idea of Sakusa and Yachi being besties but I have seen it in so many fics and it honestly is the greatest thing to me and I adore it so fucking much. I love Yachi and her ability to befriend the grumpiest men.

- It has been said before, it will be said again. The Miya twin’s have a single mom. Honestly, this is just canon to me.

- I am leaning to thinking their dad just fucked off and was a complete deadbeat. The twins seem to have the sort of underlying rage that comes with being let down by father figure.

- They are both major mama’s boys.

- Atsumu gets irrationally upset about yo mama jokes. It doesn’t matter that he understands it is just a joke format, the idea of someone being mean to his mama makes him wanna throw hands

- this has been said before, but Osamu’s love of cooking came from helping out his mom in the kitchen as a kid

- later on this translated into him cooking for his mom when he was old enough to cook on his own. He loves taking care of people by feeding them. He loves that food can be a way to communicate and show love to people.

- The twins would join their mom for pamper nights

- this almost certainly started with their mom being like “I just need some me time” and Atsumu being like “ok but can I join?” “But Atsu, we’re gonna wear sticky gooey face masks~ and watch gross romance movies~” “...ok but can we have popcorn too?” “… yeah we can have popcorn.” so it turned from me time to Miya time lol

- Osamu sometimes joins but not always

- the twins have seen all the twilight movies so many times they could quote it from memory

- they quote it to each other as an inside joke but they are respectful when watching it with their mom because it is her favourite movie series.

- The Twins have very good hygiene routines due to being raised by their single mom.

- this does not translate to eating politely though.

- they do both have very good skin care routines though since their mom helped them sort it out

- Osamu is more lax about it because he doesn’t really care.

- Atsumu finds it soothing though

- Atsumu is weirdly good at “girl talk” because their mom started dating again once they were in high school, but she didn’t like keeping it hidden so she would come back from dates and just gossip about it with the boys. Osamu just listens quietly, but Atsumu loves ragging on the men if they don’t meet their standards lol

- I don’t think Atsumu would ever be in the closet really. This is based off of him not caring if people like him, but I think once he figured out his family would care he just wouldn’t feel the need to hide it. He would get in fights because of it and he had terrible survival instincts with it all, but he isn’t one to hide who he is (even in situations where it might be safer to do so).

- I don’t remember who said this but it is canon to me, Atsumu is hard of hearing. I hadn’t even considered it until I saw someone post about it and I can’t remember who it is OP I am so sorry, you changed my life and I don’t even know your name!!

- but hard of hearing Atsumu makes so much sense to me. Him being “too loud”, him being so attached to Osamu (probably due to having trouble communicating people when he was younger and feeling like Osamu was the only one who was on his side)

- this is just a reminder to me that I should draw him with hearing aids

anyway this is too much information and my head is still bleary with sleep so like if it doesn’t make sense im sorry lmao but I wanted to share my thoughts because I have too many and I am obsessed with these dumbasses.

also I said this is sakuatsu but really it is just Sakusa and Atsumu, not much about their relationship lol my bad

[sleepyking]

I’d like to preface this by saying I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST. I’m a thirteen-year-old who has an interest in psychology and wanted to give this a try. And even though I consulted my mom, who is a licensed therapist with a degree in psychology, for some of this, and that I’ve done a shit ton of extensive research, still remember that this is just a hobby of mine, not a profession.

Also, color key:

Mal

Maleficent

Me(may also be bold if in a paragraph with another blue character)

Evie

Jay

Carlos

Hades

Freddie

With that out of the way, welcome to Psyhologically Analyzing Fictional Characters Part One: Mal[Descendants], brought to you by King and approximately four days of no sleep.

I’m going to split this up into sections: overall personality, motivations, backstory/personal history, desires, fears, moments from the books and movies that point to PTSD, and a look at some of her relationships(in no particular order).

And it’s all under the cut<3

OVERALL PERSONALITY

Mal’s character is honestly one of my favorites, even if just from the standpoint of breaking down everything that causes her to be how she is.

The wiki describes her as a “sneaky, smart, ruthless girl who was raised to be a leader.”

This is true–she is sneaky, she is smart, and she was raised to be a leader. Ruthless, however, is how she was at the beginning of the first movie. By the end of Descendants, she’s changed.

The wiki also mentions that she doesn’t want to appear weak, which I feel is one of the most accurate lines in the entire personality section of her wiki.

HISTORY

Mal was born and raised by Maleficent on the Isle of the Lost. On their own, those two things are terrible enough, but combined, they’re even worse.

She was also raised not knowing who her father was or what happened to him and why he wasn’t in her life, but we’ll get to that later. (Editing King here: I never actually get to that later)

She attended Dragon Hall, the school on the Isle, and, even though I’ve never read the books(sorry), I get the feeling that whoever taught there wasn’t the nicest and probably had unconventional methods of punishment.

Now, it’s no secret that Maleficent is evil–it’s literally the entire point of the movie(how she’s the “worst of them all”).

So, saying that she’s probably abusive isn’t that much of a stretch, even though I really wish it was because nobody deserves to go through life being abused by someone who’s supposed to protect and take care of them.

MOTIVATIONS

Motivation is a big part of a character, and can help you understand everything that they do.

As I said before, Mal doesn’t want to appear weak, especially to her mother, which gives us our first motivation.

Another thing that I’d like to mention is that Mal is protective of her friends.

And, from someone who’s extremely brotherly and protective of pretty much everyone, I understand a lot of what she does from the standpoint of how can I keep them safe?

Because, think about it: if Mal fails her mother, there’s more than one way of punishing her. There’s more than one way to keep her in line.

Physical punishments, even though they’re terrible, can get to a point where they aren’t as effective–the more of something that you experience, the higher your tolerance to it will be.

But emotional attachments? Those can be exploited in any way, shape, or form, and they’ll always work. If you care about someone, you’ll do what’s necessary to keep them safe. You can’t build a tolerance to something like threats if they’re aimed at other people.

DESIRES/GOALS

Desires and fears play a huge part in a story, and Descendants is no exception.

Throughout the first movie, Mal’s desires were mostly the same; at the beginning, it was to prove herself to her mother and to keep her friends safe(the latter never really changes). When they get to Auradon, it’s to steal the wand. As the story progresses, however, she becomes less and less sure of what she wants(as shown in If Only). By the end of the first movie, her desires have changed–she wants to stay in Auradon, she wants to be good, she wants to choose her own life.

In the second movie, she’s unsure, she doesn’t know what she wants anymore. She’s not used to anything in her new life–people are nice to her, she can do what she wants, she’s free of her mother.

But you can’t change your past, and you can’t work through trauma in a couple of days.

Even in the third movie, she’s not completely sure what she wants–she’s torn between what her heart says, and what her brain says. And after a lifetime of ignoring her heart and listening to her brain, what do you expect for her to do?

FEARS

The big one; her mother.

Mal is terrified of Maleficent, and we see this in the movies and in the books—they even explicitly say in the books that she’s scared of her mother.

Another one is not being enough. This isn’t said in any Descendants media(to my knowledge), but it is implied.

RELATIONSHIPS

Evie is like Mal’s older sister—honestly, she’s basically the older sister/“mom” of the Core Four. She takes care of everyone, and she keeps them (relatively) out of trouble when they’re in Auradon.

She’s the daughter of the Evil Queen, so, of course, she cares a lot about appearances(an example being in the second book when she gets goosebumps and her first thought is “That had to stop. Pebbly skin was so not attractive,” which I’ll talk about more when I get to Evie’s character analysis).

Jay is the protector of the group in a way—he’s the strongest, and he’s really protective of the others.

His relationship with Mal is actually one of my favorites, it’s SO SWEET(“when it came down to Mal, she was like a sister,”)

If Evie is the mom, he’s the dad(platonically).

If Evie is the older sister, Jay is the middle child—older than Mal and Carlos, younger than Evie.

Carlos is the baby brother, and he’s the most emotional of the four(he’s also the smartest!).

Mal’s relationship with him is special to me. Mal is kind of like the opposite of Carlos—she doesn’t know how to deal with her emotions, so she hides them, she locks them up and throws away the key. Carlos, on the other hand, accepts his emotions, he feels them.

BOOK/MOVIE SCENES

“For her mother was the great Maleficent, Mistress of Darkness, the most powerful and wicked fairy in the world and the most fearsome villain in all the land.” This speaks for itself.

“You know how much you are a disappointment to me,” This right here? This is verbal abuse.

“You didn't get to be number one by being merciful, or even reasonable.” No, no you don’t, not in the villain world. And if Maleficent wasn’t merciful to anyone, why would she make an exception for her daughter?

“It wasn't only Mal who could see her mother's hand in every stone around them. The carved creatures sneered in exactly the same way Maleficent did, their teeth pointed, their mouths cruel. Mal looked at them, frozen. Then Carlos realized it was because she was paralyzed by fear.” Mal is terrified. She sees things that remind her of her mother, and she freezes in place.

Not to mention that Maleficent literally calls her daughter a servant.

Now, onto book two:

“Out of habit, she looked over her shoulder at the door to Maleficent’s prison. Until recently, Mal had only felt the ground rumble like that when a great big dragon stomped around during the Coronation attack, so Mal couldn’t help but associate earthquakes with her mother.” Victims of abuse learn to associate certain things with punishment, and this is no different.

“Mal could think of a few M’s in her life, but there was only one M that mattered the most. The big one. Maleficent.” Pretty self explanatory in my opinion.

“In other words, darker than anything her friends at Auradon Prep could imagine…” The Isle is a terrible place—the exact opposite of Auradon. The AKs grew up practically spoiled, so they wouldn’t know how to last in that kind of world.

“When she was a little girl, Mal had been very terrified of her mother.”

“She was more the fearsome mistress that sent you on hopeless quests—like the one to retrieve her Dragon’s Eye scepter—and she didn’t take no for an answer.” The dictionary defines the word mistress as a few things. The ones that are most relevant for the point I’m trying to make are these: a woman in a position of authority or control. Sounds like Maleficent. A female head of household. Yep. And the one that sounds the worst in this context but I can’t rule out; the female owner of a dog, cat, or other domesticated animal.

Why am I so dark-

“Someone was skulking outside the door when Mal walked out, and she immediately tensed, prepared for an ambush.” Honestly, this one speaks for itself.

“You know if she ever gets out of there, she’ll come after you first.” That’s a pretty interesting choice of words there, Freddie, almost sounds as if Maleficent is gonna attack her own daughter…OH WAIT, THATS RIGHT-

I haven’t read the third book yet(nor have I finished the second one, sorry) but I will update when I do!

(Also, I’d like to point out that when Fairy Godmother raises her arms when welcoming the core four to Auradon, Mal flinches. Think of this as you like.)

[alaskan-wallflower]

100% agree with your ED post, considering how he makes dramatic changes to himself whenever he feels there is something wrong with him, like World Wide Privacy Tour, where he tried to change himself from clothes to personality to make appear more laid back (or mentally stronger in his words) when he felt his friends didn’t like those aspects about him in the episode, so it would make sense if he felt there was something wrong with his weight, that he would do everything he felt would make it idle in his eyes (though unfortunately a lot with ed’s don’t ever see that :( )

Also when you said he would be scared of not maintaining his body even after he was more satisfied with it, I honestly felt that, as someone who was chubby as a kid and criticised for it, then lost a lot of weight as a teenager, I was also scared of gaining weight again so I would also skip meals if I felt I didn't eat right (along with other stuff).

(also, sorry for being so venty over here and dumping this information about myself on you, what you said was just really relatable to me)

Anyway, I love your takes and I hope you have a lovely day!

tw: eating disorder

hey. you’re okay. i hope you’re doing better now, first of all. second of all; i kinda based it off of my own experiences too where i was afraid of not being able to maintain a “perfect” body. to the point i resorted to some things too. so i did kinda base it off my own experiences and i also like to do my research before making such a bold(?) take because i like to make it as accurate as possible. but yeah. i have seen some fics where people portray kyle as someone who would be obsessed with his appearance and in some more desperate measures, he takes really bold action, in a way.

i do kinda think that it stemmed from his middle school days. i headcanon that kyle was really thin? like he just ended up being really tall and lanky with no visible muscle mass (not discrediting him because he was strong but looking at him you wouldn’t know it? so at first he wanted to gain weight so he didn’t look so thin. so in the beginning it was a lot of binging. and then when he finally stopped growing and he did gain weight he was thrilled. but then he never really saw himself as like ‘oh i’m heavier because of muscle because i exercise’ but more like ‘i’m fat now’ kind of way. i don’t think hanging out with cartman made it easier. i don’t think he would be chubby per se? but looking at pics of him in eighth grade cs pics of him in say the end of freshman year he was noticably kinda heavier? not chubby but not like a stick figure either. and sheila also was probably no help. she’s probably load him with the whole ‘oh kyle, you’ve finally got some meat on your bones!’ type comments and eventually he kinda just snapped.

he probably kept some sort of diary and tracked what he was eating. likely in his phone in a locked note so nobody could find it. he honestly probably ended up tracking his calories that he took in vs the calories he burned and he would probably be out late at night if he didn’t seem he had enough exercise. after a while he started skipping meals if he didn’t eat something he seemed healthy. he gets help in the end but he ends up staying like this throughout most of high school. up until graduation i’d argue. eating disorders are no joke; they can last a while. he started getting help in college. he never told his mom. he knew it would break her heart so he just never told her. i also don’t think him being arguably the person with the most presence on social media helps.

it’s another reason i like to headcanons him as a child psychologist in the future. he wants to prevent the things he went through. i know oftentimes stan is seen as the one with the most ‘angst potential’ but looking at kyle it’s pretty clear he has some potential too. it’s honestly probably something i’ll incorporate into future works, like comics and such.

thank you for the lovely wishes. ditto <3

[femenaces]

I really don't understand why radblr is so anti self diagnosis for autism really. Most, but like by 60% self dx pushers are female.

Like, women here understand medical misogyny, psychiatric misogyny, understand that people outside of the first world Anglosphere exist and don't have the same views on mental health, understand that tictok is not a proper representation of anything in reality, understand that poor conformity to social norms in girls is seen more as an act of malice than a struggle to grow as femininity is ritualised submission and who'd do that without coercive forces. The study how like over 80% of patients at a child trancing clinic in England are autistic girls used to make rounds here too.

And usually also understand that support systems are collapsing and that the governments keep cutting support to the struggling groups on general for decades, including for out of hatred of older and 'useless' women so it's not a new phenomenon, or the one that comes from the public.

And yet posts equating ableist narratives and having incredibly subclinical traits with self diagnosis keep making rounds and rounds.

Maybe I'm just not seeing what people are seeing because I never had tictok, but, for example, the low support needs self-or-late-yadayada creators on YouTube generally do not push the shit people here said they would push? They're like not saying that anyone autistic doesn't need help and that everyone is autistic?Some people on the 'other side', however, say that everyone has autistic traits - this is beyond unhelpful, most people don't, but some have very subclinical traits, and they should be made aware of that since their children are likely to be autistic, or they have struggles that psychologist generally dismiss having been trained to help people without them and to dismiss other issues as not trying hard enough.

Also, that 'gentrification of disability' article that's been going around makes no point outside of juxtaposing a childless career woman with an ever-suffering mother of a boy, and guilt-tripping the audience for not siding with the doomed mommy (remember the study that shows people like moms who are miserable in public significantly more? Also that boymoms are just higher in status than other women?) over the adult manless woman, without ever clarifying what she must do outside of not existing - I am confused as how radblr keeps taking that article seriously completely outside of their opinions on self diagnosis at all.

Is there like a hidden bottom line layer of bullshit in that narrative I'm not seeing?

I myself can't help to come off other that weird and childish, rely on other adults for basic everyday needs, don't leave my house without ear protection to not get violently angry at people and animals, could not understand why people contort their faces or tones of speech until teen years when a girl explained it to me, didn't talk until 5, couldn't join other girls games because they were all pretend games i couldn't understand, always had behavioural complaints that made be bounce around many schools (the doctor said my meltdown in front of her was not grounds for homeschool as i couldn't injure anyone being 25kg at 14 even though school sent me there after injuring a student), and can't leave my house for more than twice a week because it's confusing and overwhelming. i could not get an official diagnosis as a kid because my parents didn't care about any of that since they themselves are a much lighter case of that and and are negligent and thought it would end by preteens and in my country there are no obligatory psych checks for children. But also, autism legally is not diagnosed after early elementary school in this region.

But we don't approve of self-diagnosed around here because qweeroids (not that these women could adopt a poor way of coping with not fitting in ot something) on tictok said a dumb thing so i guess i gotta be just individually defective freak that chose it then.

I’m gonna be real with you anon I am not involved in this discourse so I don’t think I can weigh in and if anything, I was (am?) of the opinion that everyone self diagnosing as autistic these days is cringe and probably bad for actual autistic people. But that said I think everyone can see the difference between someone like you self diagnosing and some 14 year old on tiktok self diagnosing for nothingburger reasons

But in general I’m someone who never thought much about autism at all until recently and even then still hardly ever except for whenever my dad does some autistic shit and I’m like yeahhhhhh not sure how we didn’t clock that sooner

[petalsofyouth]

koi no yokan / part 1 | ran haitani x reader

tw: set in early 00s-10s, flawed characters, unreliable narrator, mentions of drug use, mentions of assault (nothing graphic) | i literally hate tagging so much because i feel like i missed something; anyways, if you think i really did tell me and i will include it.

wc: 18.516

author's note: i actually didn't want to post 'kny' on here and wanted my tumblr to be strictly for one-shots and drubbles, but now i haven't posted in so long & i desperately want to, so here we go.

~

part 1. 

The new place promised a new life with new memories and new friends and new basically everything. It was too much. It was suffocating to the point where your breathing wouldn’t even out and every next breath seemed not enough. You tried to calm yourself with your favourite cup of coffee and your read half through [page one hundred and thirty five] book. 

You brought a lot of books with you from your home. Them, all along with your other stuff still neatly packed in boxes had a faint smell of flowers. So mawkish it made you nauseous and despite heavy rain outside you wide opened every single window in your apartment. You wondered how you never noticed this (almost, not yet) stench back at home. 

At home everything smelled like this, because your father had a flower shop and your mom loved her enormous garden more than anything else. She spent hours outside. He was at work all day. You and your older sister were at home alone. 

You loved your family even though sometimes you wondered what was lacking. What was it that your heart was longing for. In all your years there you never found an answer to such an obvious question. Now, standing before a window wall, overlooking one of the many side streets of Roppongi in your late grandma’s apartment, you thought how amusing it was that when you escaped your native Obihiro you missed it so dearly. Do psychologists have a name for this feeling? As if knowing a name for something would provide you with shelter.  

A small rather inaudible sigh left your lips. You opened a balcony door smelling wet air. It will rain soon. Hopefully for hours and well into the night. But for now you will drink your homemade iced coffee and read your almost finished book. 

Because you are eighteen and it’s the end of March of 2006 and you will start lawyer school in less than two weeks and everything is so new and bright and sad at the same time. 

Being young is really truly overwhelming.

part 2. 

In the next two months you try to make new friends so you don’t feel that lonely. 

You go out with them a lot. To the cinema, to karaoke, to bowling, to their small apartments and huge mansions. Name it and you’ll be there. Just to feel a bit less lonely. Surrounded by people, with drink in your neatly manicured hands, you are almost a part of that raving crowd. 

Almost. 

It’s never enough and returning back to your own place that finally started indeed looking like your own place in the early morning when sky is pink and cold blue and your legs are so heavy you can barely stand is relieving. To the point you promise yourself it’s your last time going out. You would believe yourself, but then again you said the same thing last week and two weeks before that too. 

When friends don't magically appear after all these months you stop. You start attending all your classes, you read manga and books on your balcony, do homework and extra work to earn more credits. You cook and the smell of homemade food circulates the three storey building. Your neighbors must be mad at you because you usually play chef late at night. They either hate you or love you, you think. No complaints come though so you continue steering pots at three in the night. 

Your mom calls you twice every week. Your dad almost every day. Your sister never. She sends you messages instead. They are stupid and small. 

i am fine  (x_x)                                   (emojis she’s using never correlating with the text) 

it’s empty without you at home  

(/▿＼ ) 

found your stupid manga today & read it & why is this shit so sad. u r so depressing.  

i am fine  

[ ± _ ± ] 

don’t worry i won’t threw it out  

mom’s roses are withering she’s mad  

i am fine 

It’s never anything important so you reply the same nonsense back or sometimes nothing at all. You have a funny feeling you are missing out on something. You don’t catch what it is. 

You'll never do. 

part 3. 

Life in Tokyo is not easy, but it’s not that difficult either. You fall into a perfectly constructed routine quite quick, without any problem . 

You wake up. You make yourself your favourite iced coffee, throwing a little bit too much ice, and with a satisfaction you watch how ice melts, cracking under the warm hug of espresso. You drink your coffee on the balcony and then you go to university where you spend most of your day. 

In the evening you return home. You eat. You read or draw and then you go to bed. 

Somewhere in the middle of all these you find a friend. A true friend. She doesn’t go to parties and prefers to spend her free time in a coffee shop, walking around the park or reading a book. It sounds somewhat boring at first, but she’s a truly good person (and you haven't met a lot of those lately), so you succumb. 

She’s a Tokyo native which is insanely good, because she shows you a part of the city that was hidden from you all this time. Together you go to have the best ramen and yakitori and imagawayaki. You visit art galleries because you both are into the art and you both are lawyers to be, but you’d rather be an artist. You go to libraries and bookshops. You draw in the park together and at your apartment since she lives with parents and it’s more convenient to hang out at your place. 

Your new best friend is the one to warn you about gangs and all the criminal activity that is lurking in Tokyo’s darkest parts. It sounds more like a distant far away world that won’t ever touch you. You don’t feel frightened. After all you left it all at Obihiro with your sister and her stupid ex boyfriend who too was a part of the local gang. 

Didn’t you?

The calm voice of your friend continues naming all the gangs and then she fills you in on what they do and what territories they control and how exactly they do it. It’s crazy to think she knows that much about it. Especially for a future lawyer.  

You tell her just that. 

She smiles and says that her eldest brother is in the gang hence she knows so much. His gang is cool though. They don’t beat women or children. They challenge other gangs and they do try to be fair to everyone and everything. They are good guys. 

The way she talks about them you might think they are Robin hoods of Tokyo. 

You know for a fact it’s (probably, you have your doubts) not true. 

part 4. 

It is early in the morning when you wake up one day in July. It’s scorching hot and gladly you have no school today so you spend half of the morning in bed staring at white ceiling. Thinking about nothing. It’s an easy morning and you appreciate the calm - though very very hot - air that surrounds you. 

Laying around in bed proves nothing. It’s boring and soon your thoughts get too complicated. Too difficult. And if anything you don’t want today to be difficult.

It’s gotta be a nice day.  

That much is decided, when you slowly rise from the bed, fall on it again, lay there for two minutes listening to the clock doing its little, but loud tik-tak-tik-tak dance. Eventually you get up and stretching midway march into the bathroom. 

Bathroom is like a cold oasis in the desert. Your feet touching cool marble tiles, you cross a small room aiming towards a rather spacious but square form bathtub. Why and how your late grandma chose this ridiculous design is now history. You regret you never asked. 

After taking a long bath, you throw a towel around yourself and go to the kitchen. To make yourself a cup of iced coffee, of course. You don’t do breakfasts and now it’s well past the time people eat their gohan, natto and whatever else they have for their first meal of the day. You’ll cook something a little bit later. Or call your friend and go out to that now favourite place to have sushi. 

Summer breeze is gentle on your naked shoulders when you sit down on the balcony. The view is not much. Just another grey living building with luxury cars in the parking lot. Roppongi is surely different from your native Obihiro. Well, it’s even different from Tokyo itself. The contrast is subtle and you can’t tell what it is exactly, but it’s there. Present as ever. 

You love Roppongi.  

The quiet alone time ends suddenly. You hear something tearing and then a caustic smell of vinegar welcomes itself in the air. You groan. Loudly. Trying to guess what it is you stand up from your bamboo chair and look around as if it could reveal the sudden intruder. The unexpected intruder reveals himself. 

“Oi! It’s chips.” The voice comes from your left and you look that way seeing nothing, but a plastic beige partition. You never noticed it being there before. 

“How did…” You start, tilting your head so you could see the owner of the voice - he sounds young and you are quite curious because for all the months you live here you never knew you had someone your age living in your building. To be frank, you only met the old lady upstairs, but that’s because she was your late grandma’s friend and introduced herself first when you just moved in. 

“You make a lot of noise.” He stops, mulling something over and you can almost hear thoughts being born in his head. Instead, he snickers and says nothing. 

The barrier between your balcony’s space and his is nonexistent. The only thing dividing you two is that plastic beige partition which you easily look over from, steadying yourself on steel railings with one hand (the other one is holding the towel wrapped around your body) and furiously peer at your neighbour.  

You totally never saw him before because you have a feeling that you would have noticed and remembered him. He is quite a character.

Blond hair with almost neon blue highlights is what you see first. Then his glasses that cover his peculiar coloured eyes. From the distance you can’t quite tell what colour they are, but it’s not brown, hazel or blue. It’s some other colour or maybe it’s the mix of all of them. They catch your attention the most. Until, your gaze travels south, to his chest full of tattoos. He is not wearing any t-shirt; fair enough it’s too hot and he is home. 

Being too busy observing him you don’t notice him squinting his eyes and giving you almost the same identical look. The difference was though that he has seen you before. A lot of times actually. Now, he was just getting a better look. 

“Salt and vinegar? Really?” 

“Wanna some?” He offers you to which you wrinkle your nose and he snorts at you. 

It’s more of a laugh than anything else so you don’t even register it. You don’t reply and get back to your chair in the safety of your own balcony. The whole situation seems ridiculous but the more you think about it - sitting some metres away from him hearing him eating his chips - the more it feels like it was supposed to be like this. 

It’s your first time feeling something like this. 

It’s deviating. 

part 5. 

After this encounter you see him everywhere. 

On the flight of stairs. At the convenience store next to your house. In the parking lot under your building. You even bump into him on Keyakizaka street and once catch a glimpse of him at Roppongi Station. 

It’s not unusual. You are neighbours. It should feel normal, but it doesn’t. It’s almost like he follows you around prying into your daily life. You know it’s not true because he doesn’t have a reason for it. Well, he doesn’t even know your name. Maybe it’s just fate that wants you two together. 

Most of all, you meet on your joined balcony. He’s quietly eating his salt & vinegar chips while you read or paint. Sometimes he listens to his music. He does it wearing huge white Audio-Technica headphones. He blasts music at full volume and after some time you memorise his playlist. You must admit it. He’s got a nice taste in music. 

You say it to him once and when he replies you can hear an easy smile intertwining with his words. “No shit. I wanna be a DJ. I do have a full DJ setup, it’s just that I rarely use it nowadays.” 

“Why?” 

It’s a simple logical question, but he doesn’t answer right away. Silence settles between you two and soon the only sound you can hear is that old lady on the floor above speaking to her husband. She asks him what he wants for dinner. It somehow reminds you of your home in Obihiro and swarms of cicadas rise in front of your eyes. Their сhirping fills your ears. The sound of home and summer. 

The 2B pencil in your hand moves on its own while you wait for him to say something. It’s only after you sketch your yard full of cicadas on the pavement he finally speaks. 

“Just being busy with work and Ran doesn’t like it when it’s too loud and my music is too loud for him”. 

“Ran?” 

He waits again before responding. This time it’s shorter. You don’t manage to draw anything. “My older brother.” 

“He has a pretty name and I agree with him. Your music's too loud. I can hear it through your headphones all the time.” 

“It suits him. His name.” He ignores you siding with his brother and doesn’t give you the satisfaction of being teased by you. “Mine though doesn’t suit me. Do I look like a Rindou to you?” 

You laugh. He laughs too in a i told you so way. He doesn’t see you drawing gentian and orchid in the left corner of your sketch. 

You also think his name suits him well. 

part 6. 

When Rindou meets you outside he always acknowledges you in one way or another. 

It depends if he is alone or has company. 

If he is alone he’d chat you up, asking you meaningless questions about your day. If he is with someone he’d just nod at you. 

You don’t dwell on the subject. You don’t think he might be embarrassed of knowing you or some stupid shit like this. It doesn’t hurt your pride because you don’t know him that well after all. Besides your occasional balcony conversation you have nothing. You are barely even friends. 

He doesn’t know your name. He never asked. At this point you are almost strangers. 

part 7.

Your life carries on. 

You attend classes, go out with your best friend, read books, draw and chat with Rindou. Over time you two become more accustomed to each other. Conversations turn effortless. Personal information shifts to shared. Neither of you mind it. Oversharing and spilling secrets doesn’t exist in your comfortable bubble in the middle of Roppongi. 

Rindou is cosy. 

No matter how close you two grow to each other, you (not him too, but you don’t know it) tell your friends about your little friendship. A grim feeling of inevitable stops you every time you try to tell your best friend about him, his blue locks and round glasses. If you tell her something bad will happen. What you can’t tell. This ominous prediction follows you around. Never leaving. You keep your mouth shut. If anything, you don’t want to ruin your nook. 

He, on the other hand, doesn’t tell anyone because they won’t understand his desire to feel like a normal person for once in his life. He never mentions to you that he is in a gang. What he is doing with his brother and friends at night. He never shows you just how violent he can get and this side of him is hidden from you. Rindou likes it this way. This way you are friends with him because he likes vinegar & salt chips, wants to be a DJ and goes to gym every once in a while. 

You are not afraid of him and you do not pretend. 

He wants to keep it that way. 

So he, just like you, keeps you away from his world. 

By the end of the summer he learns your name. 

part 8.

Despite all your accidental meetings you’ve never bumped into Rindou when he was with his older brother. Despite that, you feel like you know him already. 

Rindou talks a lot about Ran. As it supposed to be, you assume. 

You don’t talk about your older sister that much though. 

You wonder if Rindou wonders why. 

However it may be, he never asks you about that.  

“Ran is a pain in the ass.” Says Rindou looking at the small screen of his Nokia 6230. He shoves white phone - every piece of technology he owns appears to be white and you want to ask if it is consciously done - in the pocket of his wide black sweatpants. “He is staying out today”. 

The intonation and tone he chooses are suggestive to where his brother might be staying and what he plans on doing. You laugh and don’t press too much. It’s not your business and you are not interested in how Ran spends his leisure time. 

“At least he could’ve told me earlier. Kakucho invited me to go to Atami, but he is already on his way and I don’t wanna go on my own all the way there. It’s what…  like two hours? Three?” 

He says all that in front of the convenience store where you both met some minutes ago. It’s well after six in the afternoon and street lamps are barely emitting any power yet. Soon the streets would be draped in these nostalgic azure lights and the whole Roppongi would come alive while other parts of Tokyo would slowly fall to sleep. 

There are no people outside and no cars pass by you two. Your small nook is silent. Even the ventilators of refrigerators at convenience store stopped producing noise. The next thing you know it’s raining. A little drizzle. You sigh. “Wanna come over? I’ll cook.” 

“Real homemade food?” 

“Yeah. What a stupid question.” 

He smiles a bit, thinking to himself that, well, maybe missing out on hot springs in Atami wouldn’t be so bad. He knows for a fact nor Ran nor Kakucho would eat anything smelling so delicious like your food. For a bunch of delinquents without family a plate of soup made specifically for them is a huge deal. 

Of course, he doesn’t say any of these. He shrugs, his shoulders going up and down, and takes a huge paper bag with groceries out of your arms. 

Together you walk towards your apartment building. 

part 9. 

You didn’t make soup that evening. 

In the role of the guest Rindou took it upon himself to decide what you both should have for dinner. As you guessed before he wasn’t a shy type so feel yourself at home words died on the tip of your tongue the second he took his adidas sneakers off and went ahead of you to the kitchen. Strangely enough he went in the right direction. Maybe the layout of your apartments were the same. You were neighbours after all.  

When you showed up in the kitchen, dressed in your for home shorts and your dad’s old t-shirt, he already stuck up everything you bought earlier in their places and was now patiently waiting for you, playing snake on his phone.

“I think you can make us soba with vegetables. And some chicken too, but I like it without skin”. He said, not raising his head in your direction. He appeared strangely familiar in your kitchen. As if he was there every day. 

You nodded, not sure if he was paying any attention to you at all. “I have chicken breasts. Do you prefer enoki or shiitake?”

“Put both. I like both.” 

Cooking is not a quick business. Rindo grew bored of watching you doing the same thing with different products and took it upon himself to tour your apartment alone. You didn’t mind. You had nothing to hide. Your paintings, mangas and books were all there was. Doubtful it would be of any interest to him you didn’t worry. 

To Rindou it was different. He felt like he was intruding your personal life. Probing himself to become a part of it. If not that accidental meeting and Ran’s spontaneous decision to stay god knows where he wouldn’t be here at all. Looking at your canvases with unfinished paintings woke inside of him a dreadful feeling of unbearable closeness to you. 

In all his life he never befriended anyone. All people came and went out as they pleased. Nobody stayed for long. He didn’t give them a reason either and not a single person asked for it. 

Nobody made an effort to stay.  

Looking at your pencil sketch of the valley full of gentians he already knew he wouldn’t forgive himself if you went away too. 

part 10. 

“I was in a juvie with Ran”. The confession comes out of him suddenly. He looks you in the face trying to decipher your reaction. There’s none that he could pinpoint. “We got out recently.” He adds as an attempt to fill the silence that lingers around the corner. 

You put chopsticks aside and pressing your lips into thin line attempt to guess the motive behind his words. 

Why did he say this now? 

What is the reason? 

Why did he decide to open up now that you having a quiet dinner at your apartment?

You find all the answers in his eyes. They are like amethyst. Blue and pink mixed together in a beautiful peculiar shade that suits Rindou just a little too much. They are intent and pleading. He has decided something for himself while you were busy cooking and what it is he doesn’t let you know yet, but you sure it has something to do with your hasty friendship. 

“Why?” 

“We beat up the leader of the gang and his vice to take over Roppongi. The vice didn’t make it out alive. Ran might have gone overboard a bit.” 

“So it was an accident?” Your words are not of justification, but about stating the truth. 

“Pretty much, but I don’t regret him dying.” He waits a moment and then adds. “If I knew the outcome before I would’ve done the same thing”. 

The silence that settles between you two is heavy, but not uncomfortable. It changes the inevitable course of your relationship and you both let it do it. Whatever said is said. There is no turning back. 

You avert your gaze to the steaming food in front of you and take a deep breath before saying what you want to say. Rindou gets ahead of you interrupting what yet to be said. “Do you think differently of me now that you know it?” 

“No.” Your response is immediate. No delays. No hesitation. “Still the same Rindou as before. Some of us have to do fucked up things to survive.” 

“Did you kill someone?” 

Your laugh fills the room and cracks in his heart that were there because of worry. He is ridiculous, he knows it. 

But it’s easy to be ridiculous with you. 

part 11. 

In the month to come you learn more about Rindou Haitani. 

He and his brother are in the gang, but they are by themselves. They rule over Roppongi alone and every single person there is theirs. [This is said in a proud voice and when you ask if you are theirs too since you too now live in Roppongi Rindou goes red. It’s cute.] Their parents are not with them. If they are dead or alive, if they were forced to leave them or abandoned them out of their free will, Rindou doesn’t elaborate. The wound might be still too fresh or maybe it would never heal at all. 

After every bit of information he asks you if you are still seeing him the same way. You always say yes. 

You open up to him too. You tell him more about Obihiro. Your parents that are married and that there’s no love in that marriage anymore. That you believe your dad has a mistress and that your mother knows and that this is a reason she is so attached to her garden full of roses. She tends to flowers and loves them in a way she can’t care and love her husband. 

One evening when Rindou stops by your apartment and sits on the bar stool watching you cook chicken katsu you tell him about your sister. How she got involved with a guy who was in a local gang and that your parents blame him for her drug addiction. It’s a touchy subject and he is the first person you ever discussed this with. 

“You don’t think he is to blame?” He asks in an uncharacteristically quiet voice. 

“No. I think my sister knew better than this. She was her own person before she met him and after she met him. You can’t blame somebody for a decision you solely made.” 

Rindou senses your anger. He thinks [knows] you’ve never been in love. 

part 12. 

It’s November when you are introduced to Ran. 

By this time he’s heard about you [and you yourself albeit muffled by thick glass of balcony door] numerous times. The occasion to meet you never presented itself. Even though it would be a lie from his side if he says he wasn’t dying to meet you. His interest was as high as Fugaku. Not because of you as of you, - he didn’t know you and he’s hardly a curious person - but because of his brother’s soft demeanour and lack of usual disdain he presents around other people. Never you. 

It nags Ran more than he would care to admit. 

The absence of interest in him from your part was a bit suspicious. It depended on what Rindou had told you about him so it might be just his brother's fault and not your mere disregardless of Ran. Who in their right mind would purposely ignore him? 

Their cupboard where they store instant noodles are empty and Ran groans when his palm touches the dusty wood surface. He is tired. And sleep deprived. Too many responsibilities weighed  heavy on his shoulders. Last night he returned home around five in the morning and went immediately to bed. His only meal of the day was tuna onigiri he bought at 7/11. It tasted sloppy and rice was not cooked the way he liked it to be cooked. He complained about it all to Rindou who just clattered. To him, onigiri seemed fine. Not the best he had and certainly not worthy to whine about the whole night. 

Ran was just being Ran. Now he was starving. His empty stomach churning. 

“What did you eat today?” He turned around and suspiciously eyed Rindou who was sitting back to him on their newly bought white sofa watching TV. The show running there was unfamiliar to Ran. 

“Rice, two eggs and plum pickles.” 

The last time Ran had plum pickles happened a long time ago he couldn’t even remember when exactly, less alone the taste. His mouth watered all the same. The non-bothered expression [he could sense even while looking at Rindou’s nape] on his brother's face only added to his starving agony. “You went out?” 

“No. Well… technically yes, but not really.” 

Whatever the meaning of Rindou’s answer, Ran doesn’t catch it. He thinks of asking for an explanation, but senses Rin furrowing. Too focused on the jumping screen of the TV. His whole attention focused on a documentary about wildlife of South America. Ran’s mouth sprawls into an oh-i-know-what-you-are-thinking-of-now sly smile when he goes around and catches Rin bite his lower lip. It makes Ran forget about his minor problems. For the next couple of minutes if so. 

Teasing his little brother about his new female friend is more important. And fun. 

“Why are you being so defensive when it comes to our new neighbour?” 

The question is simple, but the devious tone it's being asked suggests it’s more than this. Rin wants to punch his brother, but instead he sighs. He can’t understand why he is being so protective over you too.

“I am not fucking being defensive. It’s your way of asking about her that makes me angry.” 

“My way of asking?” 

“Yes. It’s like you wanna ask me if we fuck or not?” 

“Do you?” 

“For fuck’s sake, Ran. No. She’s just a friend.” Rindou rises from the sofa and storms off to his room. He doesn’t forget to slam the door so Ran understands the level of the anger he feels towards him now. 

He does. 

So, Ran sprawls on the white sofa. Pillows here are so fluffy he might fall asleep for an hour or so. After he wakes up he’ll knock at Rindou’s door and together they will go to the convenience store. Rindou won’t be angry anymore. He’ll whine and complain and maybe won’t speak with Ran for fifteen minutes or so, but eventually he’ll put the whole conversation about you aside. 

After all they are brothers and Rindou can’t stay mad at Ran for long. 

It goes the same for Ran too. 

part 13. 

When Rindou warned you about the dark alleys of Roppongi you should’ve listened to him. 

But as all people, you too, you believe you are invincible. You believe it won’t happen today or with you. Anybody, but you. 

When you go out that night to meet your best friend at Kagurazaka, there’s not a slightest worry in your bones. You chat freely, drink two cocktails on an almost empty stomach - your impromptu dinner with Rindou happened around four and now it was approaching midnight - and politely decline your friend’s invitation to stay over. She doesn’t live nearby, but her house is relatively closer than yours. It doesn’t matter to you. 

You want to go home. 

You catch the last train. It’s empty. The night is clear and beautiful. The glimmering lights of Tokyo are more than mesmerising. They are surreal. Nothing around you suddenly is real. You have an urge to draw the scenery. You dig into your bag, but there’s no pencil there nor there’s a piece of paper. It's almost like a lost chance, but instead of giving up, you memorise the view. How houses look, their lights, neon banners and small nooks. 

High on Tokyo you arrive at Roppongi station. With a picture before your eyes you don’t notice three young men following you home. If you would, you probably would’ve thought better than cutting your way home and instead would've chose the main road. But you don’t and they feel incredibly lucky.

A beautiful girl and a purse with money. 

Firstly, they yank your bag and when you don’t give it up easily they push you hard to the ground. You fall on the wet pavement utterly confused. Sharp pain goes through your ribs. You try to stand up, not hearing their mocking laughs and your keys falling to the ground. 

It should be humiliating, but you don’t feel humiliated at all. Not even when the hands of one of them goes under your dress. It’s cold and wet and your body starts shaking with anger. You are silent when your first crashes onto his face. The stench of blood is suffocating and the skin on your knuckles brakes with a loud thud. 

You doubt they hear it or care about it because one of them slaps you across your face. Your nose bleeds and blood plops down. It brings a salty taste to your mouth. It covers your collarbones and stains your dress. At this moment you know that there’s nothing you can do and that it is better to give up so you run to the convenience store. It’s two blocks away and there’s always a cashier inside. They won't dare to do anything in somebody’s presence won’t they? 

It’s a fact that those who attacked you are cowards. Nobody else, but a coward would attack a girl in a dress returning home. 

part 14. 

Rindou sees you first. 

He is without glasses - forgot them somewhere between arguing with Ran and forgetting to grab keys from their apartment - but he can clearly see the blood on your face and clothes. He drops the iced peach tea bottle and storms off past confused Ran. 

It’s too late for Halloween parties and he knows you well enough to know that this is not some trickery. It’s the real blood coating very real you. He puts his palms on your shoulders, you are stiff underneath him, but you don’t cry and he takes this as a good sign. “What happened?” 

“They…” You stutter, confused expression on your face, you don’t look at him, but between your bodies, at his nike shoes. They are white. As expected. You don’t want to stigmatise them red. “Somebody just attacked me. Three of them.” 

“Who and where?” The voice is unfamiliar. He sounds similar to Rindou’s, but is more high and persuasive. Rindou never speaks like that. It might be somebody else. 

This somebody else lingers behind his brother. His gaze never leaves your face and despite the situation he finds you very beautiful. There’s something about you that knocks him off immediately and when you raise your eyes at him he knows he is doomed. 

Ran being Ran he shows none of it. Neither do you. 

“Down the street to the left then again to the left and then to the right.” You explain, ignoring the intensifying grip of Rindou’s fingers clawing at your shoulder blades. “There were three of them.” 

Ran flashes you a smile. It’s genuine and you are confused at what exactly is here to smile. “Rin take her home. I’ll be back soon.” 

“Do you have it with you?”   

Ran smirks. He follows the directions you gave him and disappears under the blue lights of lamps. 

Not without showing his baton to worried Rindou. He makes a whole show of it, taking the weapon out of his sweats’ pocket and raising it up so it is visible. He doesn’t turn to look at you to see if you are watching him. He knows you both do. 

part 15. 

It’s your first time being inside their apartment, but no matter how much you want to tour it, Rindou shows you into the bathroom. It’s tiny and you pass a small dressing room to get inside wondering why there’s a sink in it, but you don’t get to ask because Rindo tells you to wait a second. 

He brings you a change of fresh clothes. It’s black sweats and a grey oversized t-shirt. You want to ask to whom they belong, but somehow you understand they are Rindou’s. He wouldn’t just pass his brother’s clothes like this. 

Before getting into the bathtub you examine your body. There are bruises on the left side that mark your skin from where your breasts are and all the way down to your leg. It’s almost like Rindou’s tattoo. You smirk and try not to move much, because once you see the damage it starts to hurt as if your brain only detects what can be seen. Fucking fascinating. 

The door to the bathroom is not locked. You remember it when the first drops of hot water fall onto your aching body. You doubt Rindou or his brother would barge in though so you aren’t worried. Methodically, you wash your face, clean your scraped knee and watch blood mixed with water disappear through the drain. Once again everything feels out of place. Your blood, your black painted toenails, scratches and bruises it feels like they aren’t you. Like they aren’t yours. But the hurt reminds you very vividly that this is simply not true. It’s all you. 

What happened today happened to you. And there’s nothing you can do about it. 

You look around yourself searching for the soap or something else that will scrap this day off you. On the white plastic shelf you notice two soaps, one shower gel and god knows how many hair products. There’s no way to tell what belongs to whom so you take whatever smells better to you. 

Inside your head it’s silent. No replaying of the events. Nothing. It’s not that you do that deliberately. You are not sure you possess that kind of will. It’s extremely hard to choose what you want to think about. Thoughts are not like trains. You don’t get to miss some and then hop on the next, because you like it better. You’ll board every single one and live it thoroughly. 

Want it or not. 

“Did they smack you in the face?” 

It’s the first thing Rindou asks when you emerge from the bathroom. He observes you carefully from the bar stool. Better than anybody else he knows what it’s like to deal with strong emotions and unpleasant situations. He is surprised though when you roll your eyes at him and laugh. Shouldn’t you be crying? Or is it that bad you numbed yourself? The sudden alert in his eyes sells you to him. 

“They did. And they also pushed me to the ground. I have a huge bruise right here.” You show him where, pointing your hand from breasts to your leg. “Nothing to worry about though.” 

He doesn’t understand why you are trying to comfort him when it should be the other way. He sighs. “Get on the sofa I’ll bring you an ice pack and this cream Ran got at the pharmacy the other day. Works like fucking magic. It’ll stop swelling and the colour won’t be so bad.” 

You don’t ask him why they have this cream or so many other medicines. It’s pointless. It's common knowledge to you now what they are doing. You sit on the sofa where earlier today Ran took a short nap before he and Rindou went to the convenience store. Just at the right time to meet you. Coincidence or not you are really grateful you saw them there. You tell it to Rindou. 

He shrugs. A small smile breaks out on his lips and he sits next to you handing you ice wrapped in two towels. “You would’ve come to me anyway. Even if we weren’t there. Right?” 

“Probably yes. I dropped my keys and the trains stopped by now.” You put ice on your face. Gently. It hurts nonetheless. 

“Probably.” He mocks you. And then silence feigns over you as he spreads cream for bruising between his palms. 

It’s an unusual silence full of words and noise. Neither of you disturbs it. Each listening and hearing what they need to. You take this as a chance to observe the living room and small bits of kitchen. It’s behind you so you don’t turn and look at it afraid Rindou might find it noisey. He obviously wouldn’t. 

“Is this your DJ booth?” You ask pointing at a huge table with what looks like a small laptop, DJ’s setups and so many other things you don’t know the proper name of. “I’ve never heard you using it. I bet you can hear it from my apartment”. 

He turns around looking at and you find his gaze amusing. He looks at it like a man in love. Then an annoyed expression where his blonde eyebrows are furrowed and lips shut tight grace his features. “It’s because Ran is not allowing me to bring my friends home. Says we are too loud. He only likes it when Kakucho or Sanzu are here. He is not even letting me bring girls home. Says there are love hotels across Tokyo for a reason.” You laugh and your laugh is contagious because in a couple of minutes Rindou laughs too. It is rare to hear him laugh so wholeheartedly. He is usually most reserved and tries to keep everything to himself. You always wondered if it has to do something with how he was raised and how his older brother affected him? Keeping emotions stocked up inside yourself isn’t a biggie. The problem starts when they are too much and with them you too are getting too much. 

To Rindou a way to loosen up and let go is a fight. You suspect just as much, but he never says it out loud. It’s an awful thing to say, he believes. 

“Do you mind lifting your shirt up a bit? I warmed the cream for you.” 

You do as he asks. 

The situation would’ve been awkward would it be insinuated under different circumstances, but neither of you twists the meaning of what he is doing. He just tends to your wounds. In a very moderate and tame way. This is how you learn that despite his harshness and violent commitments, Rindou is a very kind - soft-hearted for his people even - person. It’s a shame you think of him like this only now when he was being like this all the time. 

When everything is set and done, Rindou brings you a pillow and a patched velvet blanket. The blanket looks out of his style. All bright with knitted flowers it’s like a white spot was placed on Malevich’s “Black Square”. You realise, there are a lot of details and things you don’t know about him. Today’s events, however damaging they are, bring you closer to each other. Another milestone. And you finally met his brother. 

Speaking of whom. 

“Would your brother be okay?” 

Your sudden question takes him by surprise. He goes to the kitchen and puts the kettle on the stove. He intends to make a green tea for both of you. It will help him calm his nerves down and hopefully ease your headache and stress. The wave of it still hadn’t hit you. It is always the same for most people going through traumatic events. We all postpone the inevitable, bottle up emotions inside us, and on the second day or third week - it doesn't really matter when - do we accept that whatever we went through was real and valid. It happened and we need to live it through one more time before we let it go. 

For some people, like Rindou, it never goes away. It builds him. It becomes one with him. 

He hopes it won't happen to you. 

He hopes you eventually forget all about it. 

“Yeah. He is Ran Haitani.” You are yet to comprehend the meaning of the weight Haitani surname carries around Tokyo. Gangs, criminals, delinquents and their world is still uncrossed territory. Whatever you know you know from Rindou and your best friend. Both don’t say much. “Those who attacked you, did they want something else from you too? Did they try to do anything?” 

Rindou settles a hot water pot and two cups on the table in front of you. Inside the cups there is dried tea. It smells delicious. Calming and reassuring. 

“No. Even if they wanted to, I ran away before they could.” You lie. The print of the hand of the other man on your thigh is one of the few things you could recall. “By the way, these shower gel and shampoo you have, they smell amazing. I’ll buy the same.” 

Squinting his eyes, he leans towards you and putting his hand on your head brings it closer to him so he can smell it. “I swear… Don’t tell Ran about it. He is already more cocky than he should be.” He sits back, relaxing on a plush sofa. “Mine is good too. It’s like a…” 

“Like a mint.” You tease him. 

He scowls. “Drink your tea and try to get some sleep.” 

You bite another smile to yourself and do as he says. 

Before you fall asleep you see those mesmerising lights of Tokyo. 

You remind yourself to draw them. 

part 16. 

You and Rindou fall asleep before Ran comes home. 

It’s almost dawn. The sky is shrugging off the black of the night and dresses in pretty pink, yellow and baby blue. In the city, one needs to go somewhere high to meet the sunrise or sunset. In Tokyo there are numerous locations for city viewing that usually attracts tourists. Because of that Ran hasn’t been to any of them. He thinks, going out for stargazing or to watch sunset or sunrise is stupid, anyway. He prefers to stay in and sleep. 

He doesn’t like to be up all night either, but now, returning home he looks up at the sky and for the first time in his life, he might agree he was wrong. It’s gor-ge-ous. 

The baton in his right hand is stained with blood. At first when he arrived at the alley where you were supposedly assaulted he got disappointed. No one was there. Drops of blood and your keys along with other stuff like lip balm, spiral hair tie and empty wallet with discount cards and coupons proved to him that he has not been mistaken. It was exactly where everything happened. Just no one was there anymore. 

Carefully he picked everything up, checking twice, just so he didn’t miss something. Then, Ran called Sanzu. If you ever need to find someone, Sanzu is your choice. 

He and Sanzu found them in an hour. They begged for forgiveness, but Ran was so tired and Sanzu was already so high. Nothing they could’ve said would be of any help. By the end of it all, they gave all the money they took from you and even more. Ran made sure they apologised enough. Pity, you were too far away to hear.

Now, the solemn apartment greets him with background noise only TV could make and Rindou’s soft snoring. Ran takes his shoes off, neatly puts them in the shoe box, places your bag on top of it and goes straight to the bathroom. It reeks of blood and his shampoo. On the tile floor lays your bloody dress. It’s pretty and stylish. Not too girly in his opinion and he likes it, but thinks you chose just the worst day to wear a beige short dress. 

He lifts your dress and throws it in the basket where they store their dirty clothes. Doing so has a strange feeling to it. It shouldn’t be that natural. He should be weirded out by your presence in his sanctuary where he is at his most vulnerable and he knows you are here because he feels tiny little needles poking at his body. 

Maybe he is just tired. 

Or maybe - and Ran is sure it is the real reason - there was something so gut wrenching sweet about your face covered in blood under the neon sign of a convenience store, it was all he could think of since. 

The immediate attraction he sensed towards you was now giving him hard times. You were Rindou’s friend. No. You were a very good friend of Rindou and while Ran couldn’t know if his brother liked you - like liked liked you - he could clearly tell that he cared about you so much he didn’t want you to meet Ran. 

He fills the bathtub and slides into hot water. His skin is burning but it is a pleasant feeling. From the bathroom he can’t hear if he woken you or Rindou and he hopes he didn’t. He doesn’t have any energy to talk or look presentable or do anything really. What he desires is to fall asleep right here in the bathroom in warm hugs of water. He wishes someone could hug his tired brain the same way. 

On his way to his room he can see the glimpse of you. He stops. It’s funny how you sleep where he slept not so long ago today and just now he was taking a bath where you had been taking it. Too, not so long ago.

He shakes his head.  

Sometimes he thinks about the weirdest shit. 

It’s crazy. 

part 17.  

Rindou wakes up first. He lets you sleep well past afternoon and when you open your eyes and emerge in his room he gives you back your bag and keys to your apartment. 

He says he can’t find your dress anywhere. 

He asks how you feel. 

“I feel like my body was put through a meat grinder.” You shrug. “Other than that it’s fine. I am gonna go home now and prepare something to eat. You and your brother are welcome to crash at my place later.” 

“Ran would appreciate it.” 

You nod at him. With a bag in your hands you go home. 

part 18. 

It’s peculiar how yesterday evening another you was going out of your apartment and now this different version of you crosses threshold again like it’s nothing. You hang your key by the screw near the door, you take your shoes off, sit your bag on the backless stool right by the entrance and go inside. 

You don’t lock your door. You doubt bad luck would strike you twice. And to be honest after what happened you don’t feel afraid at all. [Not that you were before.]

The image of night Tokyo is still in front of your eyes and it jumps in your heart alive demanding to be painted right this second. It’s very difficult to tame your creative urges, but you do your best and go straight to your bathroom. To shower and see how much bruising has progressed. 

In the pale white light, with purple splotches and scratches your body looks different. It’s you and at the same time it’s not. You observe your reflection closely trying not to miss any detail. You want to remember this version of you. Harmed, but not beaten. But all there is is a strong sense of alienation. You lift your right arm up and the person in front of you does the same. You do the same with your left arm, then you stand on your tiptoes and then you jump and then you turn turn turn until your head feels fuzzy and you fall to the ground. 

Afraid, you sneak a glance at the mirror. What would you do if there’s a person in the reflection? The mirror is clean. There is nothing that shouldn’t be there. 

You let out a breath. 

Everything is good. 

Everything is going to be okay. 

part 19. 

The washing machine is half way through its programme when there's a knock at your door. 

“Oi. Why didn’t you lock your door?” It’s Rindou. You can hear him taking his shoes off and making his way to the kitchen. By now he knows your apartment like the back of his hand. “You should be more careful.”

You shake your head, disapproving. “I doubt someone would break into my apartment.” In your hands you form a ball of rice. Large handful. Your already made onigiri lined up on the kitchen table look perfect to Rindou. You however see every bit of essential rice poking out. You sigh and add. “Besides, what would they find here? My canvases? My pastels? My collection of coloured pencils? I don’t even own a TV.” 

“You.” He deadpans, stealing a mouthful of shredded tuna mixed with mayo. “Just lock your door. That’s all. Two fillings? Is this one salmon teriyaki?” The spoon he found in tuna goes all the way to the - indeed - salmon with teriyaki sauce and spring onions. He doesn't bat an eye that he is doing something wrong when he puts the spoon back. Instead he looks around. Almost anxiously. He raises up from the table and goes all the way to the pots sitting on the stove. WIth one swift motion he lifts lids and checks what’s inside. He gasps. “Did you make rice with eggs and spam? It’s Ran’s comfort food. He would eat anything now though. He hasn’t had a proper meal in days.” 

“He doesn’t seem like a person who would skip a meal.” You mumble, contemplating between taking a new spoon or continue using the one Rindou had so nonchalantly put in his mouth, devouring onigiri fillings. 

“I said a proper meal. He was surviving on ready-to-gos.” 

“Still better than salt and vinegar chips, I guess.” You shoot him a teasing smile which he warmly accepts with a mocking scowl. 

You choose not to change the spoon. 

While you continue to prepare dinner Rindou disappears somewhere inside your apartment. Judging by his heavy loud footsteps he is in your bedroom. 

There is only one thing he could do there and it’s checking your sketchbook. Earlier today after the quick shower and getting laundry set up you sat down on your bed wrapped in a large towel that felt like a cloud and drew for an hour. Creativity, that art provided you, eased your mind. Soon enough the ache in your mind and body started to fade. In that urban drawing you were sketching, events of yesterday never happened. There, you were never assaulted. You were still on the train going from Kagurazaka to Roppongi. Thinking about nothing and feeling everything. 

There, you still haven’t met Ran. 

Why you think of him at that moment is confusing. There is no logic behind it. Something somewhere inside of you just brought his being out. Thinking about it, you didn’t even have a chance to properly introduce yourself to each other. You never planned on meeting him so you never thought about how it would go, but still there’s a hint of disappointment that the first time he saw you, you were covered in blood. 

The painting in your lap is unfinished. It’s half way through. Or even less. Urban sketches demand a lot of time because of all the tiny details they consist of. Pursing your lips, you look at the drawing, not sure if you like it or want to rip it apart. Abrupt throw - which is Ran Haitani - halt the whole process to an end. You won’t draw a single line today. That much you understand. 

Now, sitting on your bed, gazing at your sketchbook, Rindou for whatever reason it may be recognizes not the Tokyo or its lights or its small alleys, but his older brother. Yes, it’s buildings. Yes, it’s street lamps. Yes, it’s hundreds of windows and lanterns of the small alley where in the morning merchants will sell fresh fish, vegetables and street-food. And yet, all he sees is Ran. It’s so evident it knocks him off. He almost has trouble breathing and he so wants to ask you if you did it deliberately. Knowing what you are doing and still doing it on purpose. 

He is afraid you might find it stupid because it’s a landscape. And more than anything Rindou doesn’t like to put himself in a situation where someone would think he is stupid. He hates the feeling. 

Silently, he closes your sketchbook and places it on your nightstand where he notices a manga. It’s the second volume of “Kagen no Tsuki” by Ai Yazawa. He grabs it and brings it with him to the kitchen where he sits across from you. You are still making onigiri. 

“Don’t read it. It’s a really sad story. I cried for days. And every time I reread it, I still cry like the first time.” You warned him noticing the manga in his hands. “I am almost done. Will your brother come soon or do you wanna go fetch him? The food will go cold.” 

The reminder of Ran coming from your mouth unsettles him. There is no reason for him to feel this way, but he still does. He clenches the book so much his knuckles go white. If you notice you don’t say anything. “Why do you keep reading it time after time if it’s sad and makes you cry?” 

“I guess I love sad stories.” You say simply, licking your lips after. You finish the last onigiri, put it on the plate and rise from the chair. Your body aches, but you stretch anyway. “And it’s Ai Yazawa, Rindou. You can’t help, but return to her stories.”  All of a sudden, a thought that you would never find him stupid, flashes through his mind and eventually he relaxes. 

The book slips from his grip. 

part 20. 

Ran is wearing a dark grey loose knitted sweater - it has the same colour as pavement outside your building - and a pair of baggy black sweats. His hair is tied into two neatly done braids. If you thought Rindou has long hair it’s just because you haven’t seen his brother’s yet. Yellow tails of his braids reach just below his thorax. 

They are probably hella long undone. 

Ran looks cosy and sleepy. His downturned eyes scan the room almost curiously, but there’s no lively emotions just yet. Until he stumbles at you and Rindou. The corner of his lips tug upward. Just a bit. Then his lips form a shape of “o” as he sees Rindou helping you set the table. Something he hasn’t seen in… forever? Domesticity was a foreign concept to them both. 

“The door was unlocked.” He says, leaning on the countertop with his elbow. 

Ran looks as if he hasn’t spent a single thought on his looks and came right away as he was. Rolled out of bed and emerged in your apartment. This however couldn’t be true. You’ve seen the enormous variety of shampoo, gel showers and other cosmetic necessities [totally unnecessary for Rindou though] in their bathroom. 

Hearing about the door you shoot Rindou a smug glance which immediately sparked an interest in Ran. He has never been with you two together and now seeing you interact so smoothly, in a familiar way, naturally created a lot of assumptions. Were you and Rindou that close? 

Despite yesterday's question he could now admit that there was not an ounce of romance between you and his younger brother. Ran almost felt sorry for asking. 

“I didn’t lock it because I am here and Ran was coming too.” The tone of his voice is flat like he is explaining the most obvious thing in the world to a two year old. You raise your eyebrows at him and grin, handing Rindou a disk with different kobachis on top of it. It has pickles, onions, and sauces. 

“First of all, he could perfectly open it even with it being locked. Secondly, do you always cook so much or is it just because we are here?” 

He wants to say something else, but Rindou is quick to interrupt him. “Nah. She’s always like this. She just likes cooking.” You nod at this because it’s true. You do like cooking. Very much. “She also likes drawing. And reading. And flowers.” 

These all are true too and you are amazed that Rindou is quick to tell all of your interests. It’s either you are blant or he is very observant and caring. 

Unlike his younger brother, Ran doesn’t wander off around your apartment. He stays at your side at all times quietly observing you. The truth is in the small details and that’s why he doesn’t take his eyes off you, noticing every single little one. Those that stood out and those that were well hidden. His act is impulsive and he is not very well aware of it. Rindou is and he thinks that this is why he wanted to keep you off his world.  To Rindou it’s like his brother is tainting you. 

At the table they sit across from you. By this time it’s mostly you and Ran speaking. He properly introduces himself and you do the same. Even if there’s no need for you too because Ran is not hiding that he heard about you before. Still it’s a polite thing to do. So you tell him your name, your age and that you came from Obihiro to Tokyo to study law. He jokes that he is good at breaking the law and you both laugh while Rindou rolls his eyes. 

“Did you paint it?” Ran asks, showing the picture behind you. It’s an oil painting of Kyoto Temple. There is a lot of green from the trees in front, but even with that the painting looks solemn. Grey stormy skies and dark facade of the temple carry something ominous in it. 

“No. My late grandma painted it. I don’t use oil paints. I actually never got to work with them so I don’t know how to control them. I am more into dry materials. And I’ve never been to Kyoto.” 

“Like pencils?” Ran is on his second portion of rice with spam. It’s delicious and though he is not a big on eating like Rindou, he can’t stop himself. Everything you cooked melts on his tongue. “I wanna see your drawings.” 

“Yeah. Like pencils, pastels, charcoal. Something like that.” 

“Since when do you know anything about art?” Asks Rindou. He puts his chopsticks aside and steals onigiri. You assume he took the tuna one, but you can’t be sure because when you were arranging them, Rindou volunteered to help, then mixed up the plates and put everything together. A total mess. 

Ran shakes his head as if he is laughing. No sound comes out of his mouth though. He turns to his brother, eyeing him. “I don’t know anything. But! I like fashion and contrary to you Rin I have this natural feeling for…” He stops talking and carefully chooses his next words. “For beautiful things.” 

Rindou groans in frustration and covers his face with his hands. Ran laughs. For real this time. His laugh is elegant and light. You can’t decide if it suits him or not. Ran is like a closed book. You can’t read him and you have no idea what is going on inside of his brain. He doesn’t seem like a dangerous person to you and despite knowing that in fact he is pretty much dangerous you have this feeling - call it a premonition - that he won’t ever hurt you. Nonetheless his closeness bothers you. Not to the extent of keeping you on your toes, of course. But still, it’s not the most pleasant thing. 

While they bicker you slip out of the table and go to your bedroom. There you grab your recent sketchbook and some older ones. You also bring out the last canvas you’ve done. On it is a half-way finished forest with a shrine. The only coloured part of this drawing is a forest. Everything else is still a sketch. You think you might return to it today. If you aren’t that tired, that’s all. 

In the living room Ran polishes off what seems to be another portion of fried rice and spam. Rindou didn’t lie when he said his brother was hungry. They both raise their eyes at you when you enter the room. Munching on the food, Ran is quick to stand up and offer you some help. This is a mere polite gesture from him. Few sketchbooks and a canvas aren’t that heavy. You and him both know that. 

And so does Rindou. 

He also knows his brother well enough to understand that this action was spontaneous. Something Ran wasn’t really expecting of himself either. 

It’s already past ten when Ran finishes looking through your works. He doesn’t compliment them or actually say anything at all. His long fingers skip page after page going through months worth of drawings. When something catches his attention he rests his sleepy eyes on it and studies it for some minutes. Besides furrowing his eyebrows and biting his lower lip, Ran's face remains impassive. Once again you can’t even imagine what goes on inside of him. 

Does he like your art or not? Anxiety crawls inside of you. 

“When I am rich enough, like a multimillionaire kinda rich, I’ll buy every single one of your art.” Ran says it without raising his eyes at you so he doesn’t catch how you nervously swallow, your throat doing a bulb motion, fingers locked. Instantly after his word the tension evaporates from your body. Why were you so jittery? Opinions of other people rarely touch you in an important way. Let alone about your art. “What is this drawing about?” 

Between his thumb and an index finger is your latest sketch. The one you started today. You tilt your head so you can see it better. As if trying to see it through his eyes. [You obviously fail at it.] You take a deep breath before explanation pours from your lips - or your heart. Rindou next to Ran stiffens. He is too interested in this particular sketch. For a different reason than Ran. “When I was returning home yesterday I took the train and I saw this view outside. The train was going slow so I could take a mental picture and I just liked it, I guess. You know, all those lights and side streets, stars. Looked quite memorable.” 

He hums presumably agreeing and positions the sketchbook with the drawing on the table, leaning it against your glass full of grape soda. Then, Ran puts his elbows on his knees and props his chin on his intertwined fingers; they look like a bridge. He observes the drawing delicately before he sighs and turns his head to you. “It reminds me of something, but I can’t tell what it is. Can I have it?” 

It’s out of character for him to ask permission when the whole evening he was doing what he wanted and giving dismissive orders. 

“It’s not done yet, but when I finish I’ll give it to you.” 

“Wait a damn second. Why did you never offer me some of your drawings? I want the one with cats.” Rindou is quick to reach out for the old sketchbook of yours. He gives the impression to have memorised their insides by heart as almost immediately he finds what he was looking for. It’s an A4 vertically turned sketch of various cats in the grass. He angles it and pokes at it. “This one.” 

“I never offered because you didn’t ask.” You laugh. “You can have it, Rindou. Do you want me to give you a frame for it? I think I have one just in the right size.” 

The rest of the evening goes steady and slowly. You cut out the ‘cats sketch’ out of the sketchbook and frame it; indeed you have a frame that fits like a glove. Or does the sketch fit the frame? You have no clue. It doesn’t really matter when for the first time you feel so calm and at peace. 

None of you mention yesterday’s event. 

None of the boys eye your peeking through your spaghetti strap tank top bruise. Neither of them addresses your slightly discoloured face and an evident rip of the skin under your nose. 

They go home at two in the morning. 

You give them remaining onigiri for breakfast. 

part 21. 

You sit on your sofa, legs prompt under you, pencil in hands when you hear the doorbell ring. It’s dark outside, even though it’s barely five in the evening. Winter is almost here. And day by day it gets colder and colder.

Apparently, the chill air eats the daylight away. The allegory appears funny to you. 

Today you missed the classes and declined the invitation of your best friend to go on a double date with her brother to Hamarikyu Gardens. You said you might have caught a cold yesterday on your way home. You haven’t told her about the assault and you don’t think you will. 

Nothing really bad happened and she would worry in vain. Right or wrong, it is what you believe in the moment. So you keep your mouth sealed tight. 

The bell rings the second time. Impatiently. You sense that if you won’t open the door immediately the person on the other side of it would break in regardless. Groaning, you stand up from the sofa and pad to the entrance. Pencil and sketchbook forgotten on the floor. 

It’s Ran. When you open the door without asking who it is on the other side you see him, wearing a light coat over a green sweater and black jeans. His outfit looks expensive and well composed. In his hands he holds two paper bags. Those are from the nearest supermarket. He grins when he sees you. 

“Do you know how to cook tonkatsu?” 

“Did you buy eggs?” 

“Yes. Pork, eggs, flour, cabbage, some sauces…” He lowers his eyes down and peeks inside the bags. “Oh! Sangaria Hajikete for you. Mushrooms too. Green onion. I think I forgot noodles.” 

“I have noodles and rice at home. Come on in.” 

He grins again when you invite him inside your apartment and you can’t help it, but smile back. He hangs his coat near your jacket, takes off his sneakers and follows you to the kitchen where he places bags on the countertop. You help him take out groceries noticing midway how relaxed he is. The confidence might run in Haitani’s genes because Rindou is exactly the same.

As if reading your mind - you can’t be sure he doesn’t possess such power - he informs you on Rindou’s whereabouts. “Rin is with Kaku at the gym. You know those guys that would rather live at the gym than at their house? Those are them.” 

“Rindou told me he likes exercising. I mean at least it’s healthy, right?” You take the meat out of the container and rinse it in the sink. From the corner of your eyes you see Ran reaching out for the plate where you could put the meat later. Somehow it didn’t cross your mind. “Thank you. And what do you like to do in your free time?” 

“Sleeping. Napping. Shopping.” He helps you lay the meat by bringing the plate closer to you. “And barging into apartments and making girls cook for me.” 

“Funny.” You do actually find it funny. Not as a poor joke itself, but rather as a lame excuse for flirting. If he even considers it flirting. “Okay, now while I'm doing the meat would you take over chopping vegetables? It's not hard at all.”

“Do I look like a person who can’t cut vegetables?” 

He raises his eyebrows at you and for the first time you notice their colour. Blonde. You almost ask him about why he decided to dye his hair half-half, but hold yourself back. Even if he welcomed himself into your house, even if he is acting as if you know each other for a long time and even if he is Rindou’s brother, you can’t just ask him whatever you want. 

Ran, of course, thinks otherwise.  

He thinks the silence you keep is because of his eye colour. 

“They are amethyst like. Rindou’s are more on the lavender side.” 

“What? 

“Why were you staring at me?” 

“Your eyebrows are blonde. I was thinking you would look good with blonde hair.” 

His eyes go wide and then he grins for the third time this day around you. Ran shakes his head in amusement and fishes out of the drawer long silver knife. He checks it with his finger to see if it’s sharp enough. He takes his time to choose the right knife. One might think he has an opinion on them. You give him the cutting board. He probably knew where they were stored too. You are not worried about it. He might have memorised everything from yesterday. 

“I don’t think I’ll ever go fully blonde again.” He confesses after some time. You turn to him waiting for what he has to say. Ran’s full focus is on cutting green onions - you must admit he does it easily, every chop is neat and of the same size - when he resumes. “When I killed that guy my hair was blonde and long. They shaved everything off at juvy. I hated it. Gladly my hair grows out fast.” 

There’s almost nothing to say without probing further on this unsettling topic. Rindou told you about it just once and then you’ve never returned to it. There was no need and it was evident that Rindou didn’t like to talk about it. Nor did he particularly speak a lot about their days at juvy. Everything was brief. But one thing you remember clearly. Rindou said they killed them when Ran said that he did it. 

Despite your attempt to remain neutral you frown. 

“Rindou told you we did it together, didn’t he? He always presents it like we did it together, but in fact it was me. I knocked out the captain with one blow and then I killed the vice. You couldn’t recognize his face. It was Rin who told me to stop. All he did was just hold him down and maybe dislocate one or two joints. Rin is hella strong.” 

“Yeah he likes to prove it all the time. Opening all jars, bottles. You know.”

In fact, Rindou is a caring person and he does all of this not to validate himself, but to help. Nonetheless, the warmth spreads in his chest everytime you tease him that he likes to appear strong. 

But today it’s not about Rindou. It’s about Ran and so he asks the obvious. “Aren’t you scared of me?” 

“No. Why would I?” You bring out three small bowls and fill them with flour, eggs and breadcrumbs. Thoughtful Ran brought them made so you didn’t need to crumb the bread. “And my point still stands. I think you’d look good with blonde hair.” 

She’s unbelievable, he thinks, and the feeling he had the night before only intensifies. This small premonition of love haunts him, but try all he wants, he can’t shake it off. It’s already made a nest inside of him. Like a little lost bird who neglects his lame excuse of a heart.  

“I have old pictures. I’ll show them to you.” 

“Sounds good. Now grate the cabbage. I’ll deal with the meat.” 

He only hums in response. 

In thirty minutes everything is ready. Ran is more helpful in the kitchen than Rindou, who leaves you alone and spreads on the couch going through your manga or book, is. It might be because Ran is older and he needed to take care of his younger brother all this time. It’s unknown since when they started to live on their own and where their parents are and if they had them in their lives at all. Rindou had never breached the topic so naturally you thought that he avoided it. Those memories got to be the most painful ones. 

You set the table alone. It’s a monotonous task. Bring the cutlery, plates, place all the food and glasses. Nothing too difficult. It bores you a bit. From the living room you can hear Ran speaking on the phone with Rindou. He told you he’d give him a call to tell him everything is ready. His voice is muffled and you have no desire to eavesdrop on them. Privacy is privacy even inside your apartment. 

The steam coming off tonkatsu makes it appear all the more delicious. You contemplate stealing a piece to try if it’s as tasty as it looks, but assume it will ruin the whole composition of nicely laid out meat you spent a good ten minutes arranging. Shredded cabbage seems fresh and savoury too. You wonder if you are just too hungry or it’s been ages since you’ve had tonkatsu and that’s why it looks so delicious.

You are glad Ran stopped by. 

“You know how I wanna name this sketch?” He stands at the entrance of the kitchen - a place where the living room and small dinery are connected; a safe-zone - holding the sketchbook you left on the floor when he rang the doorbell. “Koi no yokan.” 

“A premonition of love?” 

All of a sudden it seems fitting. The best name anyone could think of. Honest and raw. Just like your sketch. Just like you. Just like Ran. In front of each other without embellishments. 

“Yeah.” He nods, coming closer with a sketchbook still in his hands. His eyes widened in surprise as if he wasn’t preparing dinner with you. “It smells too good. Let’s eat. Rin said he will be late. They just started on the second set of whatever the name of that machine was.” 

At the dinner table you sit in front of each other and just like yesterday Ran devours everything he lays his eyes upon. You both chat freely and effortlessly. It’s you who does most of the speaking and he who asks all the questions. Ran learns a lot about you. He discovers he loves it even.  

At last, he asks. “Do you wanna know what happened to those guys?” 

“No, but thank you. You didn’t need to do that, but yet you still did.” 

“Sanzu was with me.” 

“Who?” 

“Nevermind. Maybe I’ll introduce you one day. Do you like burgers? We could make some tomorrow. What time will you be at home?” 

“I am not planning to go anywhere. So anytime. And yes I love burgers.” 

He winks at you. “Noted. I’ll bring everything you don’t need to buy anything.” 

Smile graces your face and you take a sip of grape soda he bought just for you. 

It tastes more delicious than ever. You can’t help, but wonder why. 

part 22. 

Of course, the very next day Ran is at your door again. As promised.

He carries grocery bags and behind his rather broad shoulders, you can see Rindou’s blond hair pulled up in a messy bun peeking at you. Ran grins, pushing forward as he welcomes himself in your apartment. Rindou rolls his eyes, fascinated at both - how cosy and comfortable Ran is with you just after your second meeting and how cosy and comfortable you are with him. 

But then, there’s nothing too unanticipated. Ran’s charisma and charms are well-known all over Tokyo. He is very handsome too which only ever worked in his favour. And, more importantly in Rindou’s opinion, Ran’s is not gloomy. If anything, his usual expression is a beautiful mixture of melancholy and sadness that seems to make every girl fawn over Ran. 

Not that Rindou ever had any problems with girls. He is Haitani after all. They will always remain popular. 

What you don’t know and haven't seen yet is that Ran is an absolutely vicious person. He can be cruel without limits. A lot of times, in fights, it’s Rindou who stops him. He believes - and rightfully so - he is the only one who can. Once raged and challenged Ran doesn’t know the limits. 

Not that Rindou is any better. 

They just maintain control over each other like brothers should. 

After burgers, comes mentaiko pasta and after it ramen and then gyoza - which Ran surprisingly can seal very well and Rindou once again for the thousand-ish times in his life feels lesser than his almighty older brother is - then some other western dish and then it’s just an insanely delicious food carousel neither of you can remember. 

Once Ran brought some old photographs he had. Looking at them Rindou had a vague disorienting ache that transmitted that he was looking at strangers. There were their old friends. Them before juvie. Other people and the same places in Roppongi that now were again theirs. All his life everything Rindou was dreaming was to be like Ran and then own Roppongi, a place they called home. But as Ran passes pictures to you, explaining what is forever imprinted on them and who all those people are [some of them are dead despite being so young; and now they’ll forever remain so] Rindou feels sudden abruption of everything he holds dear to him.  

Was it all really worth it? Does he like what he does? Aren’t all his goals and envisions for the future of those small bulky boy in the picture, but not him as of now? Would he always follow Ran? 

Yes. Yes. No. Yes.  

He chants as a mantra.

One day, late at night, after another delicious dinner at your place, Rindou is sprawling on the sofa when Ran wrapped in a towel shows up from the bathroom. They look at each other and the excruciating thoughts going on inside Rindou’s head are so evident they appear to Ran like neon signs. Bleeding. Ran loves his little brother so he asks first knowing that Rindou would never dare to approach the topic first. At least not today. “What?” 

“What do you mean what?” Fends off Rindou sitting up. His glasses slide down over his nose to his lips and Ran bites down a laugh. 

His little brother. His own flesh and blood. “I know what you want to ask so ask away and stop tormenting yourself.” 

“What is the point of me voicing it if you know what I wanna ask anyway?”

Ran sighs and sits opposite of him, spreading his arms on the sofa’s back and crossing his legs. He rests his head on one of his arms, tilting it at an awkward angle that just looking at him makes you feel uncomfortable. “Because I want to hear it from you.” 

“Can you promise me not to do anything with her?” 

Who is her goes without saying. It’s you. 

Before answering Ran shrugs, licking his insanely perfect white teeth and tilting his head backwards, he closes his eyes, sighing. “Why?” 

“Because we don’t have a lot of trust-worthy nice people around us, Ran. I don’t want to end up choosing between you and her, because the choice is fucking obvious. Let’s keep it friendly coded.” Rindou sounds desperate. His words are crude and raw and honest. He calls out to his brother, already knowing, that whatever plea he invokes it’s lost in the vast void of Ran’s feelings. Rindou is confused, but he wouldn't be who he is today, if not for his ability to stand his ground. So he takes a deep breath and continues. “Listen, Ran, do you think it’s safe to date? Like we are not what we were before when it was just fucking around and punching randoms outside. Tenjuku is serious. Izana is fucking serious. Shion is a mad fucking dog and Kanji is crazy. Sanzu is only behaving when he sniffs a line. Out of them only Kaku and Koko are the only…” 

“Rin.” Ran raises a hand to stop his brother. He sits straight and for a very long time looks at Rindou without saying anything. He searches for the right words and then his mind is going blank because all he knows is that there’s something rotten inside of you. And Ran wants to carve it out. He saw it the first time you two met face to face the night you were assaulted. From that day all he wants is to tug at your insides, clean what hides behind your ribs, reach your soul and make it his. Make you pure and perfect again. He has no idea how to communicate all of this to Rindou so he says the most blatant shit neither of them believes, but they both eat it up anyway. “I wasn’t planning on doing anything. And most definitely I wasn’t planning on dating her or anybody else.” 

“Good.” Rindou purses his lips and his face loses all its colour. His tan is not helping him a bit. “Thank you.” 

They sit not moving or speaking for a little bit, settling in a comfortable usual silence. Ran looks at the table in front of him and Rindou stares at the huge floor to ceiling window. He can’t see shit from his place. Just a bit of neon lights and the building across. Better than nothing. Those simple things keep his mind occupied until he hears Ran standing up. He turns his head in his direction and catches a towel slipping down Ran’s hips. Rindou screams. 

“Why. Is. This. Shit. Always happening to you? Are you doing it on purpose?”

“Why are you always reacting like you’ve never seen it? We go to sento every other week.” 

“Doesn’t mean I wanna see your dick! It was a fucking jumpscare!” 

Ran grins. “Big and scary?” 

“Don’t be fucking stupid. Go put some clothes on.” 

The atmosphere shifts and suddenly everything is back to normal. 

They both love each other very much. 

part 23. 

The desire not to let his world incorporate you fails. The fall is sudden, not expected at all and Rindou thinks it was him who jinxed you all, because once you get obsessed with something - in both ways, negative and positive - it will for sure crawl its way into your life. 

That’s why when Ran points at your back asking Rindou if his eyes are not lying to him and it’s really you, he is not surprised. Perhaps he was even expecting something like this to happen. Just not so soon. 

It’s the middle of December. The weather is so cold and windy you feel it in your bones. At least it’s not snowing and roads are walkable. Not that Rindou or Ran walked. They both arrived in Ran’s new Honda NSX-R he bought second-hand not long ago. Though he never cared for cars, his white slick Honda became his obsession. He doted on it more than he ever had on any other thing. Besides Rindo, that’s it. 

The small, but still spacious club in Roppongi is full with people. Loud music hits every wall and then gets back to the middle of the dance floor, shaking everything that gets in the way. The floor is constantly vibrating and the smell of alcohol is so sharp it intoxicates even those who aren’t drinking, boosting the wild environment. People dance and drink, most of them being underaged, but because they are part of one or the other gang, they are in. 

You are not the one to complain though. You got in only because of your best friend’s brother. 

From where they stand - a VIP zone - Rindou can’t really see if it’s you, but his gut feeling tells him yes. He knows for a fact that you were supposed to go out today and now he regrets he didn’t ask for details. Maybe somehow he would've talked you out of it or not show up himself. Half of the Tenjiku are here and what is the worst of all S-62 generation too. Except for Izana, but he was never big on clubs or parties. 

Would it be too impolite to not greet you? Would you even notice that? Have you noticed them at all?  Neither of them can say. Communicating only with their eyes, Ran urges his brother to follow him. He is both intrigued at what are you doing at famously delinquents only club - not that ordinary normal people are never here - and why are you doing chatting up Toman members. So he pushes forward to you through the crowd. Rindou is closely behind him. 

When they approached your group, the smile from everybody’s faces vanished. Haitani brothers are never good news. It seems everybody knows that, but you, because you grin and a bit tipsy you give your hand out to Ran. He laughs, his laugh is velvety as usual, and shakes your hand for longer than needed.  Now everyone's eyes are on you. 

“I didn’t know you would be here!” You say surprised, clearly happy to see him. Much to his delight and your friends' confusion. “Is Rindou here too?” 

“Yeah, of course he is. I saw you from there.” Ran slightly turns his body and shows you where he and Rindou have been up most of the night. You listen to him attentively, focusing really hard on what he says and lean a bit closer when you can’t hear him. “... decided to say hi. For how long are you gonna stay here?” 

The answer is lost on your tongue because Rindou, clearly pissed, shows up right in front of you. His cheeks are slightly pink. It might be from alcohol or from the heat of enclosed space with so many people in it. That you too can feel. 

Rindou waves at you and glares at Ran. You laugh at their interaction. You’ve never been out with them both before rather than at your convenience store near the house and seeing them behave exactly like you are used to when they are at your place or you are at theirs is pretty relaxing. 

“Those are my friends. My best friend is here and this is her brother.” You introduce your company having no idea that they already know each other. “And this is Ran and Rindou. We are neighbours and really good friends.” 

Neither of them shake hands or smile at each other. The tension that fills the air is tangible. It’s slicky and warm. You want it gone. Puzzled you look from Ran to your best friend’s brother and then to your best friend who shrugs her shoulders. Lastly you look at Rindou whose eyes are not angry anymore, but sorrowful. You frown and step closer to him, wanting to ask what’s going on, but Ran speaks first. 

“It was nice to meet you. You all have fun.” 

With that he waves at you and disappears into the crowd. Rindou, not saying a word, goes after him, throwing a haste look at you. 

He thinks what just happened was fucking embarassing. 

part 24. 

This club is a neutral territory - it’s in Roppongi so informally it’s controlled by the Haitani brothers - but misunderstandings still happen. 

Neither of your friends said much to you after Rindou and Ran left. Two questions asked were how did you know them and if you were close. That’s all. The party continued and the gloomy face your best friend’s brother wore for a short time dissolved under the influence of alcohol. 

You tried to search for either of the brothers scanning with your eyes the dance floor, the bar and the DJ booth. Nothing. The VIP zone was closed off and no matter at what angle you looked you couldn’t see past its dark curtains. 

Sudden encounter left you with a bitter taste. You felt like you did something wrong. Said something that you weren’t supposed to say or acted in an unexpected way that everybody hated. The cruel flavour of iron is strong in your throat. Distress doesn’t depart from you the whole evening. 

The fight that happens that night inside of the club is almost fatal. You didn’t see much of it starting, but music comes to a halt and then lights are on and it’s blinding and the shouts and sound of skin being ripped and crushing bones are speaking for themselves. Some people rush out of the doors which causes a massive panic. Somebody is calling the police and then when this fact is made public the panic intensifies. 

You freeze clutching your best friend’s hand. She hurriedly speaks to her brother, nodding her head when he responds. There’re  shouts from everywhere and people are rushing by you to the exit. Everything and everyone falls to silence when a guy jumps off the stairs to where the fight is happening - in the middle of the dance floor. He is around the same height as Ran and might be the same age or close. What catches your eyes is his tattoo. It goes all the way from his temple to his neck. The V-neck sweater he wears is perhaps on purpose so everyone can see it. Just as the shaved left side of his head. 

“It’s Shion Madarame, one of the Heavenly Kings.” Now that it’s so silent you can hear your best friend’s brother whispering it. “We need to get out. It’s gonna get really violent.” 

That is when you notice that the entrance is blocked. Nobody’s moving or speaking or perhaps even breathing. Everyone’s attention is on Shion. 

“Whatcha you guys think you were fucking doing?” He spits at the floor before pulling out metal brass knuckles. He puts it on his right hand almost teasingly. So lazily, his every move seems to be captured in slow motion. He laughs when he raises his head and sees pure animalistic fear spreading on the faces before him. Adrenaline is kicking high. 

Those two guys that started the fight are no longer opponents. They might even forget what they were fighting about. 

When Shion without any warning lands a fist to the first guy's chest, the poor creature flies to the wall behind him hitting people standing there. This guy is taller and more muscular than Shion, but still he doesn’t fight back even when Shion straddles him and punches his face. Nobody really does anything. They all watch and watch and watch. Violent smell of blood evaporates every other.

Somebody cries. 

The fight - which in all honesty is not a fight at all, but a massacre since no one stops it or intervenes and neither of the boys show any resistance - turns into killing. From where you stand you can’t see the details and now you wonder what those two unlucky boys looked like. You can’t tell and probably none will in two months or so; the damage Shion has done to their face is beyond recognition. 

You spot Rindou sitting on the stairs. Ran stands next to him twirling the baton in his hands. He is talking to some guy you see for the first time. They all are unbothered by what’s going on beneath them. Rindou is the only one who intently observes every move of Shion. But it doesn’t seem like he is regretful or anything like that. He scrutinises every move with a purpose of remembering it so he can use it against someone else later. That much is evident. 

The guy next to Ran has a buzz cut and huge peculiar scar that you think he might have earned in some fight. Receiving it for sure hurt like hell. It doesn’t make him appear ugly though. This guy looks almost gentle. Especially when he smiles at something Ran said. You wonder what in this situation might seem funny to them, but then you have no clue what they are talking about. 

Soon, another guy with long white hair shows up on the stairs. He wears a mask and you can’t see his face, but he seems young. Younger than you. He too is obviously in a gang. Masked as he is, he shoves himself in between Ran and the guy with a scar and says something. Rindou hears it as he turns his head into their direction. 

“Shion! That’s enough. Let them be.” Ran gets down the stairs and stands behind Shion’s back who continues punching the guys as if he is not hearing Ran. Probably he is not. The excitement in his body is too much; it clouds every other feeling. “Shion! Stop! Police are on their way. Come on. It’s enough.” 

Still, nobody moves. Nobody tries to escape. The next thing you know is Ran raising his baton and the sharp sound of air sliced in two fills the club. He strikes a couple of times. That much you counted, but it got to be more, because blinded with rage Shion throws himself at Ran. 

Rindou is quick to assist his brother as well as the guy with the scar. The only one who remains on the stairs is the guy with the mask. You hear the baton working again and then Shion is screaming. Ran laughs. 

“Come to your fucking sences, Madarame.” Spits the guy with the scar and then he turns to the crowd. “What are you all still doing there? Get those two to the ER and… Shit!” 

His last words are lost in the noise of the police siren and people shouting. Whatever that paralysis was, it's now gone. Everyone is pushing and kicking again. You hold your friend’s hand for dear life. It’s easy to lose each other. 

Somebody’s hand is on your shoulder when you are halfway to the exit. You think that someone mistook you or was just grabbing you to remain on their feet. However the person tugs you at them and annoyed you look back to see who it is.

It’s Ran.

He says something and you shake your head indicating that you can’t hear him. Not with what’s going on around you. It’s a mess. He visibly sighs, his chest going up and down. He then steps forward and says something to your best friend’s brother. They exchange some words quickly and then you all are led back from where you came by Ran. 

Hand in hand he takes you through the personnel area to the emergency exit. 

Outside it’s colder now than when you came. You shiver and he looks at you. His eyes inspect every bit of you as if he wants to make sure you are okay. You are. He seems satisfied by it. 

“We all should be going. How did you come here?” He again speaks to the brother of your best friend. 

“By car.” 

“Good. Get your girl and friends and get going.” Ran turns to the left where his own car is parked in the distance. Your hand still lays in his. Without second thought you go after him. 

No one thinks of correcting him that the girl is his sister not his girlfriend. No one cares.

Police sirens are getting closer when your best friend speaks up. “Isn't she coming with us?”

Ran stops, confused, he looks at you and then at your friends as if he doesn’t understand why she is even asking that. “No. We are neighbours. I’ll take her home.” 

“Did you even ask her?” It’s your friend’s brother. There’s irritation in his voice. You’ve never heard him speak like that to anyone. 

“Are you trying to pull this Toman noble cavalry shit on me now?” You see the baton for the second time today. It has red stains on it. He stretches his hand with it pointing at your friends. “Cause I am really tired and not in the mood to…” 

“It’s okay.” You intervene by putting a hand on Ran’s wrist. “It’s okay. I don’t mind going with Ran. I trust him. You have nothing to worry about.” 

There’s another smug expression of satisfaction on Ran’s face. His body relaxes and he drops your hand. Without saying anything he lazily goes to his car, unlocking the door for you first. You get inside.   

As you pass by your friends you give them a wave and they nod at you. 

Everything seems to be okay.

part 25.

After fifteen minutes in Ran’s car you notice that he isn’t in fact taking you home. 

You were busy looking at his car, its leather interior, the busy lights of Tokyo and Ran himself. 

“I am taking us to my favourite ramen place. It’s a bit too far, but they serve the best shoyu ramen and are open 24/7. Me and Rin are regulars there.” It’s Ran who breaks the silence first. His voice is soft and he is back to being Ran you are used to hanging out with. Confident and firm, and almost a little bit gentle. 

“How is Rindou going to get home?” You ask what worries you the most. “Will he be safe?” 

“Totally. He’ll stay with Kaku. You probably saw him today. The guy with a scar?” 

“Oh. Yes.” 

“He got it in an accident when he was a kid. Kakucho is the coolest. He might seem scary, but he is very loyal and even kind.” You stop at the red light and Ran looks over at you, you who is staring at him. “Were you afraid today?” 

“No.” 

“No?”

“Were you afraid when you met those bastards in the alley?” 

“Not really.” 

“Not really?” 

“Yes.” He is clearly waiting for more explanation, because it’s not normal to not being afraid. Everyone would be afraid. You both understand as much. You sigh, crossing your hands around your chest and straighten up in the seat. You look at the road ahead when you start to explain. “My sister’s boyfriend is in the gang. They aren’t just simple motorbike gangs that are fooling around, throwing punches and you know the rest. They are full on criminals. He got my sister on drugs. She overdosed five times. He got her pregnant too. She aborted the kid. And I’ve seen him and his people doing worse than Shion did to those guys today. These all are not new for me. I’ve seen it before.” 

Ran hums. His long fingers caressing the leather of the wheel. He accelerates, rushing forward before traffic lights change. A few cars that are on the streets at this hour irritatedly honk after you. Inside the car the outside world gives the impression of decorations. Nothing seems real. You get this feeling for the second time. 

Once on the train and now again. With Ran in his car. 

“How’d you know Shion’s name?” Ran asks, his attention again on you. Whatever he was thinking shoved aside.  

“Everybody was whispering his name when he jumped on the dance floor. Are you in the same gang?” 

“You can say so.” 

“And the guy with the mask too?” 

“His name is Sanzu and yes he is in Tenjiku too.” 

“He seemed young.”  “He is sixteen. Two years younger than you and Rin so don’t brag.” 

You scoff and Ran smiles. Then he gets serious. You sense it with every pore of your body. His car is a sport type - or so you think - and there isn’t much space. It’s comfortable though. You aren’t feeling confined or trapped. But that must be just Ran. His mood is transmitted well enough. That too, however, must be just Ran.

“I might come off as a hypocrite, but they are toxic to each other. I don’t know how it’s in Obihiro, but here in Tokyo every other guy in a gang I know, treats his woman well if they have one. Those who aren't, they don’t have a girl. Shion for once. He fucks around, but nothing serious. Girls who are with him know they aren’t forever. Are they still together? Your sis and that guy. What position does he hold in the gang?” 

“They are or at least they were when I left. She doesn’t speak about him much, because I hate him and throw my hands at him every time he is in my way.” You stop, suddenly remembering how once you slapped him in the face in front of everyone in your school. He didn’t lay a hand on you, said some stupid shit about how fierce you are, hopped you sister on his Kawasaki and left. You were small and that’s why you believe he didn’t hit you. You weren’t sure he wouldn’t now, but maybe you just never knew him at all. You roll your head on the headrest and look at Ran. “He is some kind of executive or so I heard. I have zero clue about hierarchy and how it goes in the gangs. What position do you and Rindou hold?” 

“I am one of the four Heavenly Kings and Rin is my second-in-command. Kakucho and Shion are the other two and then we have Mochizuku, but you haven’t seen him yet.”  

Yet. 

Ran parks the car outside of the small shop. You have no idea where you both are. You’ve never been to this part of Tokyo. It’s very peaceful here. There are no people outside and the buildings around show no sign of their inhabitants being awake at this late hour. In front of the shop, just a couple of metres away you spot a middle aged man with bright red tenugui tied around his head. The man is smoking sitting on his hunches. When he sees Ran’s car he smiles wide and stands up, waving his cigarette at him. 

The conversation is lost and you are somewhat happy about it. Discussing Tenjiku with Ran, you crossed the line Rindou so carefully built and guarded. It almost feels like a betrayal of some sort. You still were much closer to Rindou than to Ran. Wouldn’t it be more right to discuss all these with him and not Ran? 

Whatever is right or wrong doesn’t matter anymore. You all don’t belong in the world where it does. 

Inside the ramen shop it’s warm and the smell of broth fills your nose helping you realise how hungry you really are. What alcohol you had at the club is out of your system, but the after starvation it always brings is here. You wonder how amazingly our bodies work and how it can sober up and get rid of any influence when a dangerous situation is inflicted upon it. Amusing. 

The man happily chats with Ran and you follow them both to the distant booth in the back of the room. It’s closed off and has a curtain for privacy. Another VIP zone. 

“You sit here. I’ll be back in a minute.” 

With that you are left alone. Not for long. After a couple of minutes Ran returns with a menu, a bottle of sparkling water and a grape soda. He puts soda and a menu with a pencil in front of you and sits on the red and brown leather couch opposite you. The menu is one of those where you need to check what and how you want your food to be done. You take a pencil in your hand and read, your eyes following different variations of ramen they have here. 

“Order tonkotsu ramen. You’ll like it.” Recommends Ran. He opens the bottle of water and takes a very long sip. “Even the water here is god-like.” 

“Isn’t it Suntory?” 

“It is, but it’s more delicious here. Wait until you try their ramen and you'll understand what I am saying.” 

Naturally, when ramen arrives and you make a first sip of the broth, Ran is looking at you expectantly. You try noodles, pork belly, onions and enoki mushrooms - you put those additionally because when you came upon them in the menu you suddenly realised you were craving them - on its own. And then you try everything together. The taste is rich. It is delicious. 

You look at Ran and nod your head, smiling. 

“Told you. The best ramen in Tokyo. It’s sad they do not make Mont Blanc here. The Mont Blanc I like is in another part of Tokyo.” He pouts. 

“We can try to make it at home if you want.” 

“Really? You can make Mont Blanc at home?” 

“Ran, you can make anything at home. Like literally anything.” 

He grins at you thinking he might marry you right here on the spot. 

He doesn’t say it out loud. Instead he closes the curtain and indulges in his shoyu ramen. And your company. 

part 26. 

On the 24th of December you leave for Obihiro. Your parents are excited you are coming and for once they seem like a proper family when you call them beforehand to inform what time you’ll arrive home.

Rindou is the one to take you to the bus station.  “You shouldn’t have made all this food for us.” He tells you when you sit on the bench near your bus. Your small luggage at your feet. “And you went out and made this insane dessert for Ran. He is totally not worth it.” 

You laugh, but your laugh is sad. You don’t wanna leave. “I made twelve of those. Each day I’ll be missing. And I made all this food so it won’t smell like salt and vinegar chips on our balcony. You gotta eat normally, Rindou. And I also left gifts for you two.” 

His eyes widen. He adjusts his glasses on the bridge of his nose. “You are way too kind to us. Do you know when was the last time someone gifted us something? Never. You shouldn’t have.” 

“It’s in the small bag. I wrote your names on top of it. Shoot me a message if you like it.” 

The lady on the speaker announces boarding for your bus. You stand up, take your small bag and together with Rindou you stand near the door not ready to say goodbye just yet. He opens his mouth to say something, but closes it and whatever he wants to say stays imprisoned inside of him. [Forever].   You hug him and he hugs you back. 

Without saying another word to each other you get inside the bus. 

He doesn’t leave until your bus is out of sight. 

part 27. 

You celebrate New Year with your parents and your sister in the warm family house in Obihiro. You all exchange gifts, watch fireworks and take a lot of pictures. Your absences united your family the way your presence never could. 

After the dinner, you and your sister go to visit the shrine as you do every year when your phone beeps. 

It’s a message from Ran. 

my favourite place to eat mont blanc is now your place. can't wait for it to be open again. 

haha. i’d say you are cute if i didn’t know you. 

i think i am pretty much cute and handsome

btw i like the drawing you did of me 

rin is so jealous 

tell him he should take me out somewhere and if the atmosphere is right i’ll draw him too

can i message you later? me and my sister are visiting the shrine

i won’t tell him that

ofc. be safe. happy new year. 

happy new year ran 

Rindou calls you later. He says you shouldn’t listen to Ran and he liked his sweater all right. He says he bought you something too, but no matter how much you begged him to say what it is he wouldn’t tell you. You promise to message him the time you arrive so he’ll pick you up and then he hangs up. 

You miss them too. 

[Ran messages you exactly fifteen minutes after Rindou’s call. You are still at the shrine and your sister isn’t happy you are on you phone again, but you still reply to him. Every time he messages you do.] 

[speedychildnight]

FOREVER MINE|| JUNGKOOK FF

Tropes:

Childhood love

Cold X Grumpy

Slow burn ❤️‍🔥

Important notice: If you wanna read the whole ff go to Wattpad and read.... The story is on hold but will be published on 15 April...

Let's Start......

Chapter 1

"He is mine. Only mine. Stay away from him. This is the last warning." Said a middle school girl to a group of girls.

???: What are you saying Ynieee, we are still underage.

Girls' Group: Look Jungkook Oppa also don't want you to say that.

Yn: Jungkook!?

Jungkook to Girls' Group: First of all don't call me Oppa. 2nd, don't come near me and 3rd, don't bully her. Let's go Yn.

He grabbed your hand and walked towards the classroom.

You again turn towards them and stick your tongue out then again turn in front.

3 YEARS LATER...

Yn: If I saw it again that any of you were looking at my Kookie or trying to hit on him, I will pull your eyeball. And trust me I am not lying.

Jungkook: YN!! STOP IT!! YOU'RE MAKING SCENE. WE ARE NOW HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS.

He raised his voice.

Yn: Kookie why are you raising your voice at me? I am doing this for your own good.

Jungkook: I don't need that please don't lower my image anymore.

Yn: Jungkook!?

You said it out of disbelief.

And Jungkook knows how emotional you are. And you only call him by his full name only you're upset with him. But it's his nature what he can do.

Yn: Okay I am sorry.

You said to him in a low voice and after that, you heard that the whole class was laughing. So you ran out of the class.

Other hand Jungkook ran his hand through his hair. He thought something for some moment then dashed out of the classroom being worried.

He started searching for you in the whole school but didn't find you anywhere. Then he came to the back garden, cause you like nature a lot. And there he saw you sitting under a tree and sobbing badly.

Jungkook: Yn....

As soon as you heard his voice you rapidly wiped your tears and got up from your place and about to go. But Jungkook is fast enough to hold your hand.

Yn: Jungkook I already said sorry....

Jungkook: No Yn I should say sorry to you. I am sorry.... Here....

He gave you your favourite lollipop while begging for forgiveness.

But unexpectedly you jumped on him and hugged him with a wide smile.

Yn: Thanks Kookie. Okay, you are forgiven.

Jungkook: Thank you Her Highness. Now let's go?

Yn: Yessssssssssss. Let's goooooo.

Jungkook chuckled at your cuteness.

Jungkook: Okay so our last class teacher is absent can we go home early and cuddle?

Yn: Yup. Let's goooooo.

Yeah, you both are neighbours. Both of your family are more than neighbours. Both of you are Korea's top 2 billionaire's son and daughter. They are best friends so you two also became best friends.

You only have Jungkook as a friend and also Jungkook only have you as a friend. So both of you take care of each other. Just you're childish while Jungkook is mature. And also there are no secrets between you.

You always slept together since childhood. Your parents never complained about it even though they like it.

You lost your father 5 years ago whom you loved the most in this whole world. So you went into depression for more than 6 months.

At last, your mom and Jungkook's family went to a psychologist. And with his help, you recovered. He again doesn't wanna you to go into depression again. That's why he cares for you like a flower. Cause he can't see you in pain.

Chapter 2

After some hours....

Jungkook came into your house while your mom was packing things.

Yn/M: Oh Jungkook you came. Thank God. Can you help me dear?

Jungkook: Why are you asking like that Aunty? Just order me.

Your mom smiled a little to see his behaviour.

Yn/M: Okay so you have to take care of a baby. Can you?

Jungkook: Yeah of course I am an expert at taking care of that baby. Don't worry Aunty. Anyway, are you going to the office?

Yn/M: Not in the office. Me and your parents are going to the same destination.

Jungkook: Oh you're also going to Hawaii? Good then. Bye and take care of yourself.

Yn/M: Yes you too and also my Yniee's. Cause only I can trust you.

Jungkook: Rest assured Aunty.

Yn: Gosh do you guys wanna write a noble about me?

Your mom chuckled a bit and then hugged you.

Yn/M: Take care of yourself, baby. I am going okay?

Yn: Till when will you come?

Yn/M: This time I don't know dear. If everything goes well it will be completed in 1 year though our project is really a big one.

Yn: Does that mean there is no way that you can join my graduation ceremony?

Yn/M: I am so sorry dear. I know I am gonna miss a big day of your life. But believe me, I will always be with you. Maybe not physically but mentally.

Yn: I will miss you mumma. After two weeks I am going to graduate from high school. Can you at least video-call me?

Yn/M: Of course dear I will. And you two take care of each other. Get a good university okay?

Yn & Jungkook: Yes!!

???: Yes she is right. Take care of each other and also help each other. We will try to come back soon.

Jungkook's parents came out of nowhere and told them and after that, they left.

[Your mom took over your father's business after your dad died. So she got too busy. But she never forgets to take care of yourself.]

You were hugging Jungkook while sobbing, cause you never lived without your mom before. And he was caressing your back.

Jungkook: It's okay Yn. Don't be sad. They are doing this for us. So we also have to give them a special reward for their hard work.

Yn: What reward?

Jungkook: By getting a chance at a good university. Are you ready?

Yn: Yessssssssssss.

[Both of you are toppers. He is the 1st topper and you're the 2nd topper. No one can catch you both in your studies. Just you're a little weak in math. But with Jungkook's help you get a good grade in math also]

Jungkook: Yn....did you eat something?

Yn: Yes. But I am craving for some snacks now.

Jungkook: Okay let's grab some snacks and go for study.

Yn: Okiee.

You were reading Biology.

Yn: Look Jungkook...

Jungkook: What happened? Where are you stuck?

Yn: Look at the women's breasts. It is also big like mine.

You pointed towards your book's cartoon model. [You all know what is it. I don't think I need to explain it more]

Jungkook: W-what a-are y-you talking about?

Yn: What!! I am serious Jungkook my previous bra's aren't fitting nowadays. I have to change it all. But mom is gone. With whom I will go? Oh gosh.

Jungkook: There are a lot of guards who can drive you to the mall.

Yn: You stupid Kookie. They can't tell me which one fits me well and not. And I also have no friends. What should I do?

Jungkook: Y-you need others to check it for you? Then you can wait until Aunty come.

Yn: But Jungkook you know my boobs are paining for those small bra's.

Jungkook's face became full red by then.

Jungkook: Y-yn enough of study today. I know both of us can crack tomorrow's Bio exam. We need rest now let's sleep.

Yn: Yeah okay. But Jungkook are you having a fever?

Jungkook: No. Why????

Yn: Your face is full red.

Jungkook: Y-yn l-let's sleep.

Yn: Okiee. I couldn't able to sleep for a few days because of an exam. Tomorrow is the last and the easy one so I want cuddles now.

Jungkook: O-okay.

You both went to sleep and you hugged Jungkook tightly. But he was feeling something else.

Jungkook: Yn......

Chapter 3

Jungkook: Yn......

Yn: Hmmm?

Jungkook: Y-you a-aren't w-wearing anything u-under y-your n-night s-su-suit? *stuttering*

Yn: Ofo Kookie how will you understand that my boobs are getting bigger and bigger day by day. I can't control it. Even I decided that I won't wear bra at the house. Only wear it when I will go outside. By the way, you can go with me to buy a bra.

Jungkook started regretting to ask that question. Cause he knew that you tell him every single thing. Even if it's about your body.

Jungkook: Yn you know what I am so sleepy. Let's sleep now?

Yn: Yes. Who asked you to not sleep?

After some seconds...

Yn: Kookie....

You called him but didn't get any response.

Yn: Kookie ~ Koo~ hey are you already asleep?

You pocked his cheek with your index finger.

Jungkook: Nope. Tell me what happened?

Yn: Ummm.... Kookie which University you wanna go?

Jungkook: Of course Seoul National University. It's the best.

Yn: Then let's go there together.

Jungkook: Of course.

Yn: Then let's make a pinky promise that we will go together.

Jungkook: Okay pinky promise.

He held your pinky with his pinky which you held in front of him.

Yn: Okay good night Koo.

Jungkook: Hmm good night.

Yn: Huh!

Jungkook: What happened now?

Yn: I gave you this many Nick names but look at you you never gave me one.

You wiped your invisible tears.

Jungkook: *chuckled* OK ok drama queen I will give you it after getting admission to our dream uni okay?

Yn: Okay...

You hugged him more tightly and slept in his embrace. Jungkook chuckled after seeing your cuteness and then did the same as you.

Next day at school....

Teacher: Students do you think it's our last day together? No dear. Our principal set a new rule from this year.

Students: What is it, teacher?

Teacher: Our principal decided to teach all students for their upcoming college/University entrance exams.

Students: Yay!!!!!!!!

Everyone yelled in joy.

The teacher left.

Yn: Kookie let's go home today early and let's start our study from tomorrow. How's my idea?

Jungkook: Okk. As you wish.

Yn: You know I got 2 new things. No 1 is projector and No 2 is VR. Which one should we use today?

Jungkook: How about both? First, we will play with VR then we will watch a movie while cuddling. How's my idea?

You and Jungkook were laughing at your ideas and the whole class was burning in jealousy.

Suddenly someone came towards your desk.

Random girl: Jungkook Oppa (I don't know why they call him Oppa.) Which college/University you wanna take admission to?

Jungkook: Well, I haven't decided it yet. I will decide with my entrance marks. Thanks for asking.

He told her with an expressionless face and the girl went away.

Yn: Kookie why didn't you tell her?

Jungkook: Cause I don't wanna same drama also in my University.

Yn: But I think you will also gonna become a heartthrob there.

Jungkook: Whatever... I don't wanna be. And think about yourself. You will also become something like that...

Yn:  Okay Kook wait here. I have to use washroom. I will be back soon. Then we will go home. Okiee?

Jungkook: Okay. Go go.

You went from there...

At washroom....

You did your business and were returning to your class but someone pushed you from behind and you fell...

Yn: WTH.....You!?!?

???: Yeah it's mee. Nice to meet you dear.....

Excited.....???? Wanna read more??? Okay I will publish three more chapters here. Then you have to go to Wattpad and read there.

Wattpad ID- @Lil_cutie2005

[thehollowwriter]

Vent

I need to talk to the psychologist again bc last time I nearly blew a blood vessel because she kept insisting that everything my mom acted, well, like herself I must "fall back on my dad so he can deal with situation" NO GOD DAMN IT I DON'T CARE IF HE SAID HE'LL DO SOMETHING HE NEVER DOES. HE JUST GOES "I'LL TALK TO HER" AND THAT DOES FUCK ALL. MY SISTER WND I ARE STILL MAKING BREAKFAST, LUNCH ON DINNER AND GETTING MY BROTHER READY FOR SCHOOL AND BATHING HIM AND HELPING MY DAD EAT AND GO TO THE BATHROOM AND CLEANING THE KITCHEN AND CLEANING MY PARENTS' ROOM AND MAKING MY MOM COFFEE, MEDICINE, FOOD, AND SWEETS AND HELPING MY DAD IN AND OUT OF BED AND CHANGING HIS CLOTHES WHEN HIS CARER ISN'T HERE-

AND YET. AND YET THEY STILL HAVE THE FUCKING AUDACITY TO TELL ME THAT I AM "STILL A CHILD"! DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE TELL ME THAT WHEN MOTHER DEAR SPENDS ALL DAY ON HER PHONE OR WATCHING TV AND THREATENING TO NOT TAKE US TO SCHOOL BECAUSE WE DIDN'T MAKE HER COFFE FAST ENOUGH, OR THROWING A BITCH FIT BECAUSE WE DIDN'T GRATE SOME CHEESE OVER THE DINNER SHE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING MAKE AND WAS JUST EATING IN BED OR THREATENED TO LOCK ME OUTSIDE FOR HAVING AN "ATTITUDE"

AND YET... AND YET I'M TOLD TO RELY ON MY DAD TO DO SOMETHING? WHEN HE HASN'T DONE JACK SHIT OR EVEN ENCOURAGED MY MOM FOR YEARS. DOES SAYING "I'LL TALK TO HER" "JUST LEAVE IT" "STOP IT" "BE QUIET" "STOP ARGUING SOUND LIKE FUCKING "DOING SOMETHING" TO YOU?

AND ON TOP OF ALL THIS I MUST GET GOOD GRADES! "OR YOU WON'T GET INTO UNI, QUINN" WELL SORRY FOR NOT HAVING STELLAR GRADES WHEN MY SISTER AND I DOING BASICALLY EVERYTHING, ESPECIALLY WHEN THE CARER ISN'T HERE, AND ANY HOPE OF HELP OR OUTSIDE ACTIVITY WAS SHOT DOEN BECAUSE A CERTAIN LAZY POS REFUSED TO TAKE US TO SPORT OR GYMNASICS OR BALLET BECAUSE SHE'S "TOO TIRED" OR INTERROGATING US ABOUT WHAT WE SAID TO THE SOCIAL WORKER OR BEING ANGRY AT US FOR SEEING A PSYCHOLOGIST "WITHOUT TELLING HER BECAUSE YOU CAN'T TRUST THEM" OR- OR INSISTING "WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS HOUSE STAYS IN THIS HOUSE, YOU DON'T GO TELLING YOUR GRANDPARENTS OR OTHER FAMILY STUFF THAT DOESN'T CONCERN THEM"

LET'S NOT FORGET ARGUING WITH THE DOCTOR AND INSISTING HE'S WRONG AND DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT FOR THINKING I HAVE ADHD. IT COULD HELP ME, BUT WHO CARES, LET'S INSIST IT'S NOT THAT AND THEN GET ANGRY WHEN QUINN FORGETS THINGS, GETS DISTRACTED, MAKES MISTAKES, OR GETS POOR GRADES

LET'S INSIST QUINN HAS DEPRESSION BECAUSE "I'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH I'M BASICALLY QUALIFIED TO BE A PSYCHIATRIST, AND I KNOW THE SIGNS". LET'S SAY THAT'S WHY SHE'S TIRED ALL THE TIME, AND NOT BECAUSE SHE'S LITERALLY BEING THE PARENT OF THE HOUSE. EVEN THE FUCKING PSYCHOLOGIST SAYS THAT THERE'S NOT MUCH THAT CAN BE DONE ABOUT THE SITUATION AND I'M GOING TO HAVE TO BE "THE PARENT"..

"WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO UNHAPPY" "WHY DO YOU HAVE LOW SELF-ESTEEM" GEE IDK MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ABUSIVE POS WHO SLAPPED ME AND LOCKED ME OUTSIDEAND THREW A PLATE A LT ME AND WOULD CONSTANTLY THREATEN US WITH STUFF LIKE "I'LL BREAK THIS BOWL OVER YOUR HEAD" "I'LL PUNCH YOU" "I'LL THROW THIS SCALDING COFFEE AT YOU" ALL WHILE RELYING ON US TO DO EVERYTHING AND WHINING ABOUT HOW MUCH YOUR LIFE SUCKS EVEN THOUGH YOU SPEND ALL DAY EVERY DAY DOING WHATEVER YOU WANT WITHOUT A JOB AND AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY YOU WOULD TEAR INTO MY APPEARANCE OR CALL ME A BITCH OR CALL ME CANCER

AND THEN YOU FUCKING EXCUSE IT ALL WITH "IT WAS BECAUSE I HAD A SPIRIT ATTACHED TO ME" AND EVERY TIME WE BRING UP WHAT YOU DONE YOU EITHER BLAME IT ALL ON THAT OR SAY "I'M SORRY YOU'RE MADE AT ME FOR BEING SICK" "OR I'M SORRY THAT'S HOW YOU FEEL" OR "HOW YOU PERCIEVE THINGS ISN'T ALWAYS THE TRUTH"

I'm so tired. I'm so so tired.

[theapollosystem]

Looking back on my teenage years as now an adult i’m appalled by how my mother treated me

she was a 55 year old woman she should have known better to not drag a 15 year old out of bed by their hands alone, instead of i don’t know bringing me to a doctor or anybody who could help my depression my mom decided screaming at me and physically hurting me would be the best course of action

i think about how I was in the car with her one time, i don’t even remember where we were going but she said to me “i could drive this car off the road right now and kill us both i won’t cause i don’t want to die.” who fucking says that to their own child, especially when they’re underage

she told me that she was always too busy to be depressed and that I was lazy, a horrible person for being depressed and that i would never amount to anything to life

she called me names compared me to her abusive father who consistently sexual and physical abused her

my mother has apologized to me about it, when i still bring it up she just sighs and goes im sorry but i don’t think she understands how insanely fucked up it was to treat a child the way she did

i was so much weaker than her and she decided it was okay to treat me the way she did. i also had nobody outside of her really, I couldn’t escape home

i wish i could go back in time and tell myself when i was 15, that is not how you should have been treated. i wish i could tell myself it’s gonna be okay and that what happened is not okay under any circumstances

i was actively a suicide/self harm risk and my school found out. the school counselor asked me about it and i didn’t lie, so of course they asked me a bunch of questions.

they called my mom the school psychologist and counselor wanted my mom to take me to the hospital. my mom decided not to take me, i just never talked to that counselor again cause i was so scared about ending up on a ward.

i think looking back they should have asked about my family situation before calling my mom because i wouldn’t have lied i wouldn’t have protected her.if a kid is presenting with severe self harm thoughts maybe just maybe it’s a good idea to ask about their home life.

my stuff was right before a trip was scheduled for my birthday, ofc my mom went on the trip with me anyways cause that’s what she cared about and not my wellbeing.

the school failed us, they should have assessed us for abuse and also genuinely i don’t know if they couldn’t for some reason but I should have gotten sectioned. they shouldn’t have relied on my mom to take me they should have called an ambulance and had me sectioned.

why they called my mom and didn’t have us screened for abuse is cause they already knew my mom, she made a good enough impression to them though they didn’t know what was going on behind closed doors

[possibly-god]

Hedy Mayer – the Rocket Scientist

(1975 – 27/2000 – 52)

Darleane Mayer met Dell Conagher in college studying theoretical physics – her second Ph.D., his sixth. For that one year they were study buddies, and for the one night of their graduation party they were something else.

The pregnancy was a surprise to Darleane, but not an unwelcome one – she had an interest in being a parent but not so much in being a wife, and with a bit of elbow grease she quickly proved herself unfireable from her new position at Black Mesa.

Baby Hedy was named after Darleane’s favorite inventor and actress Hedy Lamarr, and grew up in the halls of Black Mesa, learning the periodic table alongside the alphabet and designing space shuttles before she could drive a car.

While the sciences came easy to her, the humanities really didn’t – in the same school year she was TA-ing 10th grade trigonometry and repeating 6th grade English.

After high school, she spent a year interning at Black Mesa before her mom insisted that she get a degree – though what really convinced her to go was an ex-classmate’s insinuation that she couldn’t.

There is nothing this woman will not accomplish out of sheer spite – among her life’s greatest ambitions is to launch a teapot into stable orbit to get one over on her second-grade teacher.

Zephaniah Mann University took one look at her application and threw so many scholarships at her she’s practically being paid to attend – as of ‘75 she’s 7 years and 4 Ph.D.s deep (chemistry, astrophysics, aerospace engineering, and the college’s first computer science degree) with no signs of stopping.

It's at ZMU that she met Christoph, her best friend, husband for tax benefits, and partner in mad science.

It was Christoph who made Hedy the drunken bet that would change their lives – at his instigation, she invented the polycyclotron (a.k.a. the Tricycle, the Three-Ring-Circus) and became the first person to synthesize Australium.

It was this act that put her on OHM’s radar – and the rest of the kids, once OHM realized her connection to Team Fortress and began looking for others.

Discovering an adult child was not on Engineer’s bingo card when the team went on that rescue mission, and Hedy threw Dell for quite a few loops, but he did eventually get through to her over their mutual eccentricities (technical talents, music taste, mild god complex, etc.)

While on RED base, she becomes “chemistry buddies” with Demo and Pyro and develops a tenuous relationship with her father-in-law Medic (his skepticism is understandable - his marriage of convenience didn't go too well). She also encourages Kelly’s inventiveness, giving her construction tips.

Once everything with OHM is sorted out, Dell immediately calls Darleane for a long talk.

Meanwhile, Hedy returns to ZMU, presenting the Tricycle as her nuclear physics thesis. She accepts her fifth Ph.D. that June and her Nobel Prize the following December – her acceptance speech is the first in the institution’s history to include the phrase “kiss my ass.”

Hedy’s exit from ZMU heralds a hiring slap fight between NASA and Aperture Science – she picks the latter to start, though she’ll work at both and beyond in the coming years (after the fifth time she gets used as an unwitting test subject, she bids Aperture adieu).

The ’76 Conagher family reunion is one heck of an event – Hedy is quickly overwhelmed by her new grandpa’s, aunt’s, and cousins’ enthusiasm.

As Y2K passes uneventfully (with her help), Hedy accepts a position with Team Fortress Industries and joins her fellow “next-genners” in international mayhem as the Rocket Scientist (or “Rocketeer” for short and/or fun).

Next up - her psycho psychologist partner in life and crime...

TF2K Master Post