#my fault but i dont really care i guess | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lulue-xie · 6 months ago

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I think I will have no voice left tomorrow 🥲

I am tired of being sick

#lulu ramble #if only i can keep myself from singing in my car it could help lol #my fault but i dont really care i guess #and i left my honey at work huuu

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yestrday · 10 months ago

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I wonder if my irl friends will remember my bday tomorrow....

#if they dont well.#i guess its my fault #i didnt make a big deal out of it anyway #and i never really outright announce my bday....#but it would be nice #itd be nice if they remembered #would they care enough to greet me at midnight like they do for the others....?#hahah im a bit insecure abt this.#bdays arent great memories for me #.txt

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redysetdare · 8 months ago

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Lovelessness and lack of any attraction making me realize that i don't understand any relationships in terms of love.

How do you know you're romantically interested in someone? how is that different than loving them in literally any other way? Hell, how do you know you love your friends? When do you even apply the label of friend? How do you decide you want to be someones friend even? What about family? we're just expected to love them from birth but why? How do you know you view someone as family? why are we expected to love people we just happen to be related to?

I dunno, I'm writing some friendships, found family, and just adopted family and biological family relationships and I'm realizing that I'm struggling with actually like...showing why characters "love" each other in these ways. What makes this character want to be a parental figure to another character? what makes this characters friends any more important than other people in their lives? I'm writing what society tells me but I don't actually think i understand any of it.

I can understand connection and characters enjoying each others company and caring about each other but when it gets to the love part? the part society demands there be for the relationship to be full and real and complete? I find myself lost every single time. shouldn't them caring for each other be enough? why do they need this confusing emotion for them to truely be friends or truely be family?

Why is the label of a "strong bond between people" locked behind the paywall that is the undefined idea of love? Why is love a requirement and not an option for these sorts of bonds? a bond without love doesn't mean you hate the person or dislike them even. it doesn't mean you're apathetic. it just means you don't love them. I don't get why this word is so important. I don't get why it's expected.

#text #loveless #loveless aro #idk maybe it's because i look at these sorts of things in terms of logic #which emotions don't always follow #people always use love as an answer but i always question it #“they did it because they love them” why do they love them though #why is their love for them seen as so important #why should other characters care about that love #why did love make them do that #what is so special about the bond between these two characters compared to the bond they have with other characters #why is it different #and i guess most people don't have answers. why would they? it's just how they feel #that's usually enough for others but for some reason not for my brain #and i think it's just because i cannot grasp the idea of love as an emotion #especially not as a pure and good emotion #idk it's confusing #and probably my own fault #im not really looking for answers here because i dont think there is any #not any that would satisfy me at least #just wanted to express this feeling ig

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phagodyke · 23 days ago

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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍

#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man #thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking #mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they #dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done #listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life #i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this #once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i #dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this #ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be #i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about #how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being #given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out #entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please #its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have #to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once #and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general #feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this #but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is #i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired #i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if #i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore #i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr #and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning #my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better #it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood #my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it #cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen #.vent #ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.

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haven-gum-rockrose · 6 months ago

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going through it lately. and by it? i mean absolutely nothing actually.

#guys i need therapy #not that itll work #it wont #the last one didnt #and the ones before didnt but my mom only let me do one or two session each for those so i dont fault them #its been years tho so maybe?#idfk #i dont really care #i do #i probably do im just tired #yall know what type of tired #ugh i should really keep my vent posts to my vent blog so people dont have to see them #<- has made many vent posts here and actually not used the vent blog in months #my foot just fell asleep #yall lukcy i dont have a gun #i lied about quiting my job btw #something came up and it got complicated #it might turn out good tho #probably not #but if it does i might be able to move out and room with my oldest friend #oldest as in time known #not age (im older by like four months hehe(and like a head shorter but we dont talk about that shh))#but that would also mean rent which means philly will take a lot longer #and also ill have to look for shops in a whole other city so im putting off quiting for another month or two or three maybe #i dont like change. i dont like genuinely regularly thinking 'id rather die' to things that i really do want #tw vent #thats probably important #i dont like decisions #did you guys know Animal Jam got shut down?#i miss my necklace. everything else seems so- not barbaric but maybe unclean. which i guess is appropriate

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skrunksthatwunk · 7 months ago

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found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?

#i didnt really get to process it bc i found out when i was hanging w a friend but. im processing it now #sigh.. i dont know. i dont know.#at the end of the day he is and has always been someone else's cat. i can't control what she does with him #no matter what i think of it. she can always take him away. but every time it happens im just. im tired yknow?#it's worth it to me to have him around. i love him dearly and i want him to be in a home where he's actually cared for (which i have done my #best to provide) but he's just. not mine. and every time it happens i back up and think man. im such a sucker.#i don't think people manipulate me often. not in an ongoing way i mean. i don't think ppl see me as valuable enough to most of the time.#but damn. she really found my weak spots didn't she. free petcare courtesy of one chump who can't live without animals around. sigh #he deserves stability but he deserves love more. this weird shared custody thing is better for him i think. and frankly i also love him.#im not the priority here but my feelings are like. there. him being taken away without even telling me first hurts. i'd like to be able to #say goodbye to him. im not saying he has to stay or this has to go on but couldn't they just.. consider my feelings a bit more?#just bc you're fine with dropping your cat off somewhere for weeks not knowing when you'll see him again and not visiting doesn't mean i am #and i kind of feel like my roommate is part of this. after all it's not like his owner can just break into our room and take him #and if im always out when they do it there's a chance roomie's just shipping him off whenever she gets sick of him.#she's done it before. even after she agreed so vehemently with me about never wanting him to go back to such treatment and stuff early on.#she's been spraying him for little reason lately too. and i mean i get being a little more cautious with some things bc her neck's broken #but she's really fixated on how much he smells and bites and stuff and talks about how if i wasn't around she'd consider eating him #and then other times she's like that's my pookie. i don't get it. like yeah i tell rascal to fuck off sometimes bc he hurts me but it's not #like a hateful thing. i dont resent him for it i'm just annoyed sometimes bc he's maiming me a little. he's my baby. how could i loathe him?#so it makes me think that roomie might be blaming his transfers on his owner bc she doesn't want me to judge her #and like. this is her room too. it's not her fault she's more bothered by the smell than me. if she doesn't want to be bitten and clawed all #the time i can sympathize. i don't wanna force her to house him. but i wish she'd just be honest with me i guess #like. what if his owner decides to give him away without telling me? i'd take him in in a heartbeat. even though i know it's a bad idea.#but i'm worried he'll fall out of my reach completely. and at the very least I'd like to be able to say goodbye first. that's all.

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jvzebel-x · 1 year ago

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🦋

#so i got a message from my sister telling me something rather tragic had happened in our family #on my mom's side. one of my aunties passed away&my little sister let me know.#she also let me know that my mother is taking it really hard&shed probably really like to hear from me.#&its weird bc any sadness i felt about my aunty dying almost completely evaporated upon it becoming a way to guilt me #into talking to my mother-- like i was not almost dead for a long LONG time&she was actively disowning me bc i wasnt sick the right way #after a lifetime of refusing to believe i was sick AT ALL which directly lead to developing cancer she screamed at me in public #that i was lying about before pretending to drive off a cliff&then refusing to pick up her phone until she called me an hour later #after i had been calling not just her but anyone in our family who could possibly check on her to tell me that i never loved her #&i wouldnt have cared if she died&it would have been my fault.#so like. i dont really give a fuck if shes taking a death in the family poorly? like i dont actually fucking care that this-- like literally #everything else-- needs to center my mother's bad feelings. i just fucking dont lmao.#&im really fucking pissed off that i now have to feel like shit bc i dont feel like i properly feel bad #about my family member dying bc IT BECAME ALL ABOUT MY MOTHER IMMEDIATELY.#i do not fucking UNDERSTAND.#i cannot even put into words how this all makes me feel lmao. why. literally fucking why.#the cherry on top? my aunty died of gastric issues. you know. the family curse that i def didnt get so i got to work thru it all #while being called a liar. you know the type of illness that almost killed ME. that might STILL kill me.#but yeah my mom is sad so i should call&make sure to hold her hand like i always fucking did lets just forget an entire lifetime #&esp the last five years thatll be totally cool.#a tragedy happened in the family so fuck all MY tragedies actually i guess.

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charlie-ver · 8 months ago

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#vent #tw for surgery mention !#dont need to read lol i am fucking scattered rn just #soo i majorly fucked up my timing with preops.#my top surgery is next TUESDAY. I have to be in the hospital on MONDAY.#and today my GP told me my labs are bad (blood+urogoly) and she needed another ecg but the doctor there can only take me tomorrow at 12 #my gp is in officeo nly until 1 pm and i dont know if she can see me tomorrow after the ecg (same building so no trouble traveling)#cant call her because she was already out of office because i had the fucking time. so i scheduled an email in case i wake up later #left my phone number so i can be called if its after 9:30 bc i will not have internet then #im majorly panicking because i may have to reschedule my top surgery #lot of intrusive thoughts right now. like a fucking lot. i don't remember last time they have been this bad.#i dont really know what to do. i feel so sick #the gp told me she would hope i wont have to reschedule but im so terrified i have to #this is SO last minute as well? i don't know if the doctor who i talked to about my surgery will even be available after my appointment #and i dont think she does weekends so like i will likely have to turn in on monday mornign and tell her i have to reschedule if the surgery #isnt safe for me #and this is very much my fault because im not fucking competent in taking care of myself #“its okay because i dont faint” yeah well i fucking guess i was wrong

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nt3000s · 1 year ago

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im so lucky to know so many people in my life to have met so many people in my life that are just life saving ill never not feel lucky people are so beautiful and kind and talented and funny and have so much worth everyone ive ever met anyone in my life i have ever touched i just cant believe it ill never be able to understand it how important everyone is how much i love people the degree to whihc i love people and everyone i have ever met ill just never ever be able to express the depth of how important it is to me it might be the most important part of my entire life. i just need people to know how much i love them im desperate for it to be known how important everyone ive ever met is to me. all of my friends everyone whos ever been kind to me and whoever ive been kind to it will never be lost on me how important it is. and i feel so lucky to be graced i guess by my friends. i cant imagine the life i would live without every event every person who ive ever crossed. i would never sacrifice anything to not be where i am now because of the people i know and have known. the people i know and talk to everyday or the people i see in a notification or pass by. i cant overstate your importance to me. i cant overstate how important i want people to feel. i want people to see themselves how i see them. i can not overstate your importance to me and i love you. im so lucky ill never be able to take it

#i just want ti go to sleep but i cant my sleep schedule has been so miserably depressing me #not that badly. i cherish every moment i have with the people around me and i cherish how lucky i am to be surrounded by such unbe #lievable people. i am happy everyday because people love me.#this will never be lost on me. the importance of it. the importance you all have will never ever be lost on me. your worth as a human being #you are so kind. you are so talented. you are loved by people because you are seen by people that way. i will never lose this #im miserably desperate for everyone i know to feel loved or to know that i love them. nothing will ever ever ever in my whole fucking life #ever be more important to me #nothing in my fucking life will ever be more important than that. please know how much you mean to this. to everything #i dont know what changed but i cry so often now and every single time my thoughts wander to how deeply i feel about this #im just sobbing and sobbing and im like. i love the people that care for me. i love the people i care for #i know when i stop crying or when the day rolls over i get to talk to everyone again. and i feel so lucky. i feel so desperate to explain it #how. much. it. means. to me. How badly i mean this and everything I say.#i dont fucking care if yoire my mutual from fandom or someone who random followed because my blog was funny #someone i talked to once or twice. you mean so much. i swear to god. ill never be mpre genuine or more serious. i guess #thats very kind of you to do that. or like my posts or anything. youre very kind for that. you mean alot to me.#i just dont want to fall asleep when the sun rises and wake up with a few hours to talk to people before im alone #i really hate it right now. and my neutral state has genuinely just been on the brink of crying. like if i sit still too long i just sob #thats genuinely how i have been for the past few days #and thats not the fault of anyone its just how my brain has been treating me #but whdn i get like this i just remember how lucky i feel about everything. like the depth of my feelings #you really just have to trust me when i say like how forever sincere and deep snd monumental it is to me. like please understand the depth #of when i say i love you. dear god i love everyone ive ever met i love you. please please please please understand how desperate i am #i will never ever feel more strongly about anything. i cant imagine it #i have to make this exact same fucking post over and over again #i need to keep saying it man #i need people to love themselves like i love them #the degree to which i say the word need #anyway. i love you. i hope you have fun or are happy about something. or draw write something nice. talk to your best friend. something

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computer-boy · 1 year ago

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a few more days until i can bundle up in bed for two days and not do anything (finally)

#studying? who is she #i will pass my exams with sheer willpower #<- going to fail #i dont even care if i fail at this point. studying will just make me feel worse #if i fail i fail and its going to be my fault so its ok #i really need to sleep... homework not done tho so i guess im staying up late #i. need to get up and do it or get caffeine or something so i can #actually fuck it i have a period before its due and we never do anything in maths anyways #if i get in trouble i get in trouble theres only like. how long until holidays #its my friends bday tmr anyways i cant be tired-looking lol #i'll study when i feel better (never)#there is something seriously wrong with me #i need therapy lol #right. im really fucking tired rn #im gonna go to bed #sorry for ramble lol im just fucked up like that #turns out undiagnosed adhd can actually lead to a lot more problems than just adhd i think #vent #<-kinda?

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berryblu-soda · 2 years ago

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been hesitating to post this bc i usually try to be super chill and upbeat, but im also trying to be more genuine, so here it is i guess (im doing okay, dont worry)

this probably warrants a trigger warning even tho nothing ever really happened :/

i´d like to thank from the bottom of my heart the friends ive made on this silly little site, i may be a almost a stranger to some of you, im not the greatest at keeping contact with anyone, but if i call you a friend its because you have very special a place in my heart <3<3<3

when i first made tumblr i was really struggling, it felt almost impossible to see anything lovable in myself, if it were up to my whims back then, i wouldve made myself poof out of existence, leave no trace behind. "Goodbye to that worthless piece of trash, everythings so much better without her"

it wasn´t that there was anything wrong at home, my family´s always been nothing but loving and caring to me, but i just struggled to understand *why* that was, i wasn´t contributing financially, functionally, nor did i excell at absolutely anything (looking back, i didn´t have to, i was literally 14) , everything id ever been remotely good at i knew someone who was better than me by a long shot. i didn´t have any irl friends, i had my cousins, but being family it felt a little like they were conditioned and obligated to love me because we were family

i felt alone despite being surrounded by people who loved me, i´d grown too used to it to recognize it as genuine love, so meeting you guys really helped me know that hey! maybe people arent just nice to me because they feel obligated to be! you guys inadvertedly gave me the support i needed to continue living life! And for that im endlessly grateful for <3

i can recall several times, when i was beating myself up over the simplest of mistakes, i genuinely didn´t want to exist if i wasn´t perfect, but when my spiraling got too bad and i´d even start to think of how i´d explain to yall that i´d finally given up on living, i´d start bawling my eyes out, beause I couldn't do that to yall, I still had messages to reply to, friends to wish happy birthday to... i would be devastated if any of you guys left and i couldn´t do anything to help you

so i made myself stick around, to hold on to whatever i could even if it consisted of numbing myself to the point of it being unhealthy. and ive lost years trying to get a grip and snap back to reality, but i made it! im happy these days, and i know no matter what happens im glad im still alive. And hey, maybe i´ll start digging myself into a pit again eventually, this post has been sitting in my drafts a couple weeks and in that time ive had some less than ideal days where i felt myself slipping into that old, sad, lonely, self deprecating mentality, but the difference between back then and now is that now i know i made it out of there once, and i know what´s real because ive already recognized it before, my family isnt lying to me when they say they love me, my fiends arent lying to me when they say they care about me, the only one whos lying to me is myself, saying im not worth any of that.

so i´ll say it again, thank you friends, for existing and being there, for being my lifeline and not letting me go off the deep end, and acting as band aids for my emotional self-inflicted wounds, i´m not sure how i can ever pay you back, i´m here if you ever need me, i love you, please take care <3