#i just dont think it matters i guess. if i die i die and then its not my fault yk NFNFJG
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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#i never really thought about a person being a finite thing. you can see the effects of a person after they die. in the unfinished projects.#in the rooms of clutter. in abandoned closets. in pictures and in mermered phrases. and you can see time#chipping away at those things. eroding away the evidance that a person existed. clothes move into other people's closets. projects are boxed#away. and a person becomes confined to photos and memories. and thats existentially terrifying but its not a bad thing. time erodes away all#things. that's how life works. matter and energy transforms.#we arent made to last forever. i dunno. i guess im still just rattled from being home even tho ive been back a week and a half.#and my brain tends to fixate on the wrong things. nearly 27 years of knowing someone eclipsed by a visual sequence lasting less than a day.#bc i just cant get over how scary it would be to die like that. to start losing control of your body. to not be able to feed yourself or get#to the bathroom. to have your mind be overcome by the toxins building up in your mangled and broken body.#and it could have been worse. it could have been a lot worse. but its still not fair. theres no good way to die. i dunno. i guess i just#miss my mom in some abstract way but i find it more viscerally upsetting to think about the people that have to deal with her absence.#it makes me sad that my dad is alone now. i dunno. grief doesnt feel like i thought it would. most of the time i dont even know what im#crying about. its undirected. it doesnt feel like: i miss you. it feels like: youre gone. how can you be gone? why does everything feel the#same? and its not that it doesnt make sense. its that nothings changed. the terror of that.#and im walking around in an acumulation of my dead mother's clothes. and no one knows. theyll never know.#and there's nothing to be done about it. so it goes.#i guess im just sad. and its hard to breathe at the thought of returning to school at the end of August.#unrelated
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Hear me out (or don't... it's fine I'm just venting and mean) yeah um I don't believe Chakotay was saved in Prod*gy s2.
#the 'time travel' makes no sense when you think on it. What happened to Prime Chakotay? He got killed they showed that.#At the end s1 Janeway finds an 'alternate chakotay in an alternate timeline' and that's the one they go and get#we saw the original get merc'd in the message. That ACTUALLY happened. Lmao.....#They didn't prevent THAT death because they didn't go to THAT Solum with the Infinity and stop it from happening#instead it was 'ALTERNATE#' implying other.#OG Chakotay wasn't taken over by the alternative one either nothing suggests that was the direction for him in s2#they didn't do anything like 'well you see chakotay because at the end of s2 when we converged timestreams you have merged with your other'#if they did want to recover the original from s1 then keep that clear instead of being convoluted dont use an alternate timeline wtf#instead the plot was focused on gywns stupid fucking paradox plot and her being fixed#chakotay was the one in a paradox too did that not matter nah dw about it he had to die for this outcome or someshit lmao why#In the extended message given to admiral janeway it shows him clearly getting left behind and surrounded. Sadly no one intervened.#I dont understand why they couldnt have just made s2 about his rescue alone IF they took their time it wouldnt be so difficult#to follow#above that the one they rescued was ruined by the 10 year gap so he wasn't 'saved' at all. God i hate s2 when you break it apart#I dunno the more i look at s2 Janeway and Chakotay the more upsetting it is. Janeway would NOT have settled for an imposter.#everyone going goo-goo gaa gaa over s2 but it's sloppy af imo and undermines a huge portion voyagers struggles#id really like them to flatly lay out their ideas because literally nothing ive heard explains the story or choices of s2 with conviction#instead it's oh clap for wesley or the new vulcan and other references yay#describe to me your timetravel clearly and i'll happily take a seat on it (there is still other crap stuff mind you)#this is the most repressed shit i my head i swear#im angry because s1 is so clearly mapped out to a brilliant degree and for whatever reason it's not in s2#i can see through it#insultingly people are eating it up and claiming it's better than ever nah dawg embarrassing#there are nice ideas inside s2 but they arent adequately rewarded#it doesnt compare to the timetravel in other trek because they kept it clear#i mean it could have been an interesting parallel to endgame but in the end janeway didnt even rescue him lmao they dropped her#why bother building up this mission only for her to give up and go 'i'll hand it over because im told to'. Janeway had fuck all this season#let alone settle for not fixing her own timeline and her own friends deadly circumstance dw just grab another one from the shelf i guess#the emotional fallout was absolutely missed because they didnt elaborate on anything. Plenty of show but no substance from the characters
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funny thing is that genuinely canonically talon is bi with an immense preference for women to the point where he cant really imagine any long term stuff with a man... but since ive whisked him away to the brain zone its like ok but what if he was safe and happy with another guyyy and meeeeee 🫶
#talkys#i think he'd also want to be a dad again but uhh not here king sorry#i mean it doesnt actually matter and its helpful for if i outgrow him#its just like with al#like al is a caretaker he wants kids so bad but I Need Him. if i ever outgrow al i can say the differences were too much for him#if i need al forever i can reverse the usual trope and make it so that he changes his mind and chooses me etc etc#i guess the other thing is well technically this wont be long term will it. talon can heal with some mortals that will#die eventually and open the wounds all over again#and finally i guess we currently still dont know if the preference is just a genuine preference#(which is valid) or if its this way because of what he's suffered...i guess we'll find out eventually anyway
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i wish i could just sleep forverr or maybe just be able to rot in bed every day every hour but i cant and it makes me so sad
#vent#vent in tags#<- yah#im just so#im so miserable#all i do is think about suicide and sleep#its all i really wanna do anyways#i get out of bed. i brush my teeth. i drink water. i eat if i feel i deserve it (i dont). i pace i walk. i feed my dog i let her out.#and what else#nothing interests me anymore but then again thats like. thats been the norm for awhile i guess#i make myself do the things i love because i hope it'll make me happy but it just#it doesnt#it distracts me#just for a little while#but once i stop i immediately go back to nothing.#when i was younger i never understood when therapists asked if i felt 'empty' i thought it was silly but now#that's the only way i can describe it#if im not miserable and suicidal i'm just nothing#the only thing i can really feel anymore besides misery is guilt that fades faster than it comes and anger#if im lucky i'll get a taste of adrenaline but#kicks rock#is it too much to ask to just feel something other than#yeah#just for a moment#thats all i want#im so sad#i dont want to get better anymore but i do but wouldn't it be so much easier to rot?#i'll die before 20 either way so what does it matter
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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"people love you uwu people care about you" okay? not my problem. love me less. can we work out a reasonable level of care where it's obviously not cool if horrible things happen to me, a human being, and you won't do any horrible thing to me, but you don't feel obligated to fuss over anything out of the ordinary i do and i have to shut up about it and perform Normal Human Emotions lest i commit an awful social faux pas and hurt your feelings?
#like idk. can you care about stuff that matters? i guess is what i'm asking?#sorry that my own self-directed problems hurt you <3#sorry that i'm a horrible person if i talk about it and a horrible person if i don't <3#i just shouldn't have problems i guess cant believe i didnt think abt that#sorry i don't really care if people would be sad to see me die#would actually be pretty nice to get past the huge feeling of guilt over not being helpful all the fucking time#like i can't go through life being a service dog for everybody around me#(and i dont to be clear. it's not possible and when i say i feel guilty over not doing it it doesn't mean i do 100% of the time)#(i do try to be helpful and useful and i hate missing an opportunity but also i don't have 24/7 free of obligations)#(and i can't magically spot and correctly understand what could need help)#(but i feel like it does take up a good portion of my life. mostly bc everybody around me has Problems rn)#(and because the overlap of ''things that feel good for me'' and ''things that are good for other people'' is pretty small so far)#it's just. yknow. i would like it if for once i could express a negative feeling without it being a huge offense to people around me#ejhrkthrjeh i know i'm just asking the universe if pretty please my actions could have zero consequences and it's overall unrealistic#but like. god. i wish for once it was met with indifference. casual vibes. not a huge deal yknow.#some of my friends do sometimes! it's nice! but of course i can't talk abt the problems that directly include them#i know it makes me so shit at reacting to ppls problems. like either i overcompensate with the worry cuz i feel like thats what they want#or i react coldly and dont provide anything useful to the situation#broadcasting my misery#vent
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i feel dizzy
#likw im just floating in water#i guess it doesn;t really matter and yet we do it all anyway#and we all die in the end and yet we try to live fully#thats ok i think. i think#its okay. theres nothing we can do about it anyways#and ill have you for a little while at least#that will have to be enough#vent#and yet i dont believe this. i want to live forever#go back to being 14. have so much of my life to live#now its just 3 years till im an adult. 4 more and im out of college. 3 more and its been a decade and everything has probably changed#hasnt it?#how awful. what a terrible thing this life is#to be human and to always want more and yet the same#to be human and humans must die#no one gets happy forever#it all comes and goes#like waves. drifting back and forth with my mind#it will all be over soon wont it. it doesnt matter at all#none of it does none of it ever did. i wish the world were that foolish#that happy endings werent just a thing of dreams#but i guess theres always gonna be a book. i can always just say that their story ended right there#where they always have the rest of their life to live#its nearly november ive lived life in a blur and that is no way to live life and yet. and yet.
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So for wacky world itll begin at "we cant be trapped here can we" with narinder and lamb is like . "Sorry to burst your bubble but you will be! :-D"
AND LIKE . ITS GRAY LINE ART MAINLY oh and for the "and HOW am i ever gonna get out of this fucking place???" I was thinking narinder trying to run out of the cult but yknow that barrier thingy in game to the gate whenever youre carrying a dead body and you cant bring it out there or like . YAH . THAT BARRIER ! itd be funny if narinder bumps his head into the barrier when the Fuck censor happens ,,, and then everyones looking at him crazy 💀
Normally i keep animatic notes to twitter but i curreeeently have my circle acc deactivated for a bit so im just gonna put more of my rambles in here til i reactivate HEWJNFWLFLPF
#sydneys thoughts#take a shot everytime i say “i think” and “funny”#anyways. its rlly just funny to have lamb as caine cuz theyre like :-D and narinder just wants TO DIE#“cant escape dont even try” terrifying. thanks lamb for being a menace i guess idk#i so desperately want to draw all the four Bishops looking at narinder like a crazy man and leshy is just laughing extremely hard#leshy cannot take shit serious. bro is laughing no matter what#leshy at a funeral? do NOT TAKE HIM TO ONE#ok that was unrelated but thats what i meant by keeping my rambles to my tumblr for a bit til i reactivate#so yes im more of a yapper on twitter than here i have 88.9k tweets i do NOT shut up#ok thats all ill say i keep using the tags GIRL SHUT UO#Up#too lazy to retype that
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and another thing. not to be guy who hates ctntduo but it makes insane crazy that fr ppl who take the utah ending as smthing good and not smthing absolutely horrific. they looveeee to imagine that cq just misses this dude sooooo much he loves him sooooo bad he'll cross state lines to fuck him bcs that's all he's good for. ok. like #1 cclingy defender wouldn't hunt him through the woods like an animal.
#lnv5 missed the mark so bad for me i fear. i do think it did the best it could i guess. with the lack of time and lack of resources.#but the point of that whole thing seemed so much different of where it ended up. i think removing cqs sense of justice#and the rage it comes from like. kills part of his character 😭. he gets so mad and so upset BECAUSE he wants to help ppl#he wants restitution he wants ppl to not walk away w/o consequences when they point blank tell him they will do it again#like yes it does get pushed off the deep end in certain areas and yes he makes awful mistakes but i think that's more to do w#being at his limit w being trampled by a world he feels has NO justice. and won't ever help ppl like him and his pals.#so erasing that aspect of him fr me just feels v. hollow. 😭 he can still want those things while letting go of his more destructive#tendencies. like he has at the start of the streams for example. that want for smthing better and rage being channeled into hope.#while still allowing for reasonable consequences.#i don't think cq would get over how cwilb treated cclingy. he v v v point blank cares about them deeply#and i dont think this dude matters to him enough even a fraction of the way it would take to forgive leaving them to die.#that's just me tho. i guess.#huri.txt#cwilbur crit#tnt neg#discourse
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#aaaand that's 2 doctors that think i have bipolar ii 🙃#so the conceptualize rn would b that my mood is fucked but im using ocd to keep myself contained withing sorta normal parameters#which. i mean. that does kinda fit with observationally. i would create rules around: u arent allowed to get excited abt things u arent#allowed to enjoy things bc u cant handle it. u cant b normal abt how u enjoy things. or bc when i go to enjoy a thing#my mood is caped at being lightly miserable so its like well fuck being around ppl it makes me feel nothing#bc my focus and energy swing around like the light on a lighthouse. and in between that im miserable or feel nothing#and if its true that i am bipolar the reason i never noticed would b bc i very rarely experience euphoria. mostly i have high energy and#dont feel good. just fucking out of control. so mixed episodes i guess. but like idk. i guess i just think of bipolar as being extremely#destructive. and i mean r my mood issues a problem? yes. sometimes a really big problem. but idk. im still resistant to thr idea#lots of ppl get misdiagnosed as bipolar even tho the presentation is so specific. i guess i just doesn't wanna accept it and then have to#have been wrong if i was misdiagnosed. but i mean 2 doctors independently listened to me and thought hm sounds like bipolar so maybe im#just being stubborn. also no one else in my family thst i kno of is bipolar. ive got 2 uncles with adhd but not bipolar relatives#i dunno. i guess it doesn't matter so long as i can get it under control. im good at control. destructively good at control#unrelated#i guess its more that ive never done anything life ruining bc of my moods#mostly i just dont sleep much and make myself crazy. so ill probably die an early death or whatever lack og sleep causes rio#i meant rip lol
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having to restrain from saying anything when my dad dares to say that men get paid LESS than women. in what world. are you out of your fucking mind old man.
#ow.err#IN WHAT WORLD ARE MEN PAID LESS THAN WOMEN.#like. i shouldnt be surprised he said that bc he watched and/rew t/ate and jo/e rog/an so like. of fucking course he'd think that.#but like dude. you have no idea what youre talking about.#and there is NO WAY im gonna even try to tell him otherwise bc he is. loud. yk.#im just gonna. leave that there. bc its not my responsibility to 'fix' my parents as much as id love to try.#its just not my responsibility. and itll prob just end in me getting screamed at anyways since they wont listen to me or anything i say#cuz im still a kid in their eyes ! ! ! !!!! ! ! so cool ! ! ! ! ! !#almost 20. father doesnt think i know how to wake myself up w/o being woken up by someone else.#SO INSULTING BTW. i always get up on time. no matter what. nearly 20 and he thinks im a fking child still#both my mom and dad do but my dad does it in an 'underestimating' me way and my mom does it in a 'tries to overly coddle me' way#you know? i dunno. i dunno. i wanna move out but money is so fked rn. and idk how to do like. anything. so im just...#gonna do my classes and try to get a nice job and save up for awhile before i actually move out to my own place#im also kind of scared bc idk if ill have the. will to care for myself once i move out. like im worried ill just let myself die#sso. things to. work on before i get out of here i guess. but the thing is this environment will not let me heal. ahhh !!!!!!!!!#the only way out is through!!! through and scared!!!!!!!!!!!! tmrw marks the start of my life potentially starting to change. for the bette#but still changing. and oh man. im very nervous. its scary#cuz like. i didnt think id live past like 12 ??? so to be almost 20 and very behind on 'adult things' is. scary?daunting?#it all almost feels unreal. like im reaching a part of my life i never thought id actually reach. it feels like ive been living on#borrowed time since 12 so now im like. damn i have to live dont i. i have to actively make this life worth living now#some days i still worry itll be my last but ... im just gonna try to take it one step at a time. its all i can do.#be as prepared as i can. and take it one step at a time. i clutch onto the hope that my life will get better#and i clutch onto it with an iron grip. because damn it. it has to get better than this. it has to.#wow this got derailed. oh well my poast my rules.
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who even give a fuck. yknow
#getting drunk before work because who gives a shit ^_^d#yesterday was real fucking bad so im thinking like why am i even fucking trying you know none of these assholes even talk to me#unless its to go ermmmm i cant help noticing your department isnt achieving infinite growth when will you guys stop sucking#shit? just curious yhaha and if they want to talk about me they go behind my back and ask other people why im cutting#which a) i wear short sleeves this isnt a secret im keeping and 2) fuck you for deciding its your business and then NOT EVEN#ASKING /ME/ but whatever thy want to get pissy at me for their own failure to communicate fucking let them i dont care#ive been killing myself for this stupid job for a year now i wake up in the morning and my first thought is how bad my knee hurts#im one of the best we've got and what do i have to show for it no one fucking talks to me i dont care#no one will go 'hey did you get fucking sloshed before coming here' becaus etheyre scared of talking to m e for some reason#i literally dont know but if they ask then like who fucking cares this isnt on me i dont feel human doing this job i dont feel like a perso#no one treats me like one unless i waste time quote unquote to not do my job and talk to people who like care if i live or die or whatever#so like who fucking cares even ill do whatever i want ill get drunk before work ill do shit at my job ill talk to someone i love fuck it#whatever!!! should have acted like i was a person instead of ignoring the people youre throwing into a meatgrinder for profit i guess#who fucking cares!#already had my MOTHER get weird about me buyng booze for reasons that are none of her fucking business and that she#wouldnt know the details of anyway if she hadnt been snooping because i have no privacy and no space of my own lol#so might as well drink it i guess it was 30 bucks anyway and i dont have any fucking moneyyyyyyyy so what am i#who am i fucking KIDDINGGGGGGGGGG lol its fucked its all fucked!!! whatever!!! who give a shit!!! nothing fucking matters
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Scared of living long, accomplishing nothing and then dying alone so I want to have at least one of my stories published in my lifetime.
#Denizen says a thing#I dont know why I care about dying alone#if you die you die#It won't matter because then you're dead and there's no more existence#I guess that's also the same for characters#if nobody writes about them anymore then they're dead.#oh I want some juice tbh#don't worry about me I'm just thinking
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oh and vitamins get me too how am i supposed to know what i need to be having and if rhey do anything at all. i suppose i go to a dr and see what im proficient in i am supposed to schedule a checkup they sent me a whole letter abt it and there was a number to find a pcp but im nervous about finding a doctor idk why. i just get worried about umm. well i get worried about badically everything in my life but in relation to drs i guess i just get nervous about well the transgender and also the umm. mental and also i get worried theyll be mad at me that i havent been to a dr in ages and that i dont take good care of myself i feel like drs r never understanding i remember back when i had a psych i tried to be like So if i miss a dose of these meds because im like 14 and you are not medicating my attention issues is it a Wait until the next dose situation or is it a take it as soon as i remember situation and he was like Well just dont forget to take your meds. Okay. well see i would also like not to do that. did you notice i said proficient up there insread of deficient. i didnt until just now. im editing this post to add this comment. proficient. did it make you mad that i did a word wrong. im sorry .... im just really really good at um. vitamin b. or something. i was gonna make a penis joke but it felt a bit gouche. it didnt rly i just rly love saying that things Felt a bit gouche. one of my favorite things to say rn
#like even if i set an alarm if i DO miss a day for any reason i want to know bc otherwise i will start panicking and freaking out abt it you#know. but j was just like. Okay bc i didnt want to argue with him bc i was scared LOL#i need a dr who is So very patient and who will listen to me and take me seriously and i am describing a dr who im fucking convinced Does#not exist. AUGHHH. omg i said dr who in the prev tag. I KNOW THAT GUY! big fan of their box#if i met the dr id be like Shut up put your box on the phone. cant lie. big the tardis fan but anyways back on topic i just get scared But#know i have to just do it scared and i shouldnt assume the worst case scenario maybe ill get a pcp and theyll be super nice#im also just scared to call the number they gave they were like Oh if you dont have a pcp call this number but will i call the number and#theyre like Heres your pcp. you know. that's scary pretty much... or is there like a questionnaire or what . i dont want to have to be like#um and um im transgender and i would like a dr who (🪛 (no tardisesque emoji. unless i just do 🔵 🎁 i guess.)) will be umm normal abt that#ive never rlyhad a dr be bad abt me being trans Luckily but im endlessly worried abt it . but also i guess the only dr who (🔵🎁) ive#discussed being transgender with was . the doctor who was giving me testosterone. so itd be a bit funny if she was like weird abt me being#trans. eriting the testosterone prescription and shaking my head the entire time so the patient knows i think they should die forever. no#she was very nice i should be able to start seeing her again once k get all this worked out i just have to umm. get my ky id first b4 i do#sny of this dr business. the only other time trans came up with a dr was theyd be like checking my chart and be like. and why are you on#testosterone and id be like. transgender#and theyd be like oh okay. So anyways kamille how have your meds been treating you miss girl woman. not in a misgendering way they just#genuinely did not absorb the information i think. Well it was in a misgendering way ig bc i said Im transgender snd they. whatever it doesn#matter rly.
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oh im gonna throw up all over myself HOW DO I ALWAYS FORGET EVERY TIME THAT FRIDAY = LIMITED LIFE
#AND ITS THE FINALEEEEEE FUCKKKKKK (EXPLODES)#i cant fucking take it. im not ready. FUCKKKKKK im not ready#OK OK BEFORE IT HAPPENS#SCAR WOULD BE AWESOME BUT HES GOT SO LITTLE TIME HES PROLLY NOT GONNA WIN :(#UMMMM ROOTING FOR EITHER MARTYN OR BIG B EITHER WOULD BE SICK#(any of them would be sick obvs but yknow)#if the winner is a previous winner that'll certainly be interesting bcuz. well that'll be the first time that's happened#if you count double life as just being pearl's win and not a joint win with scott#even tho i havent been watching martyn's pov i kinda rllyyyy want him to win hes had super interesting stuff going on with his loyalty to#scott and everything.... he'd be sick as a winner#i love big b dearly but. i dont know. i like when the winners were like rlly present and memorable that season#and this season big b and pearl both kind of hung back and just kind of watched from the shadows the whole time#which is awesome and that could be made interesting in the context of one of them being the winner too#but yah idk martyn feels a lot more compelling this season ig? again it'd be cool either way but i think it'd be cool if he won#anyways IM GONNA LOSE MY MIND TOMORROW ^_^#whatever happens. i can rest assured it will bring me more peace than watching the end of double life last summer#dawg watching grian die to the warden and just sitting there watching his little credits i was like numb ToT I WAS WANTING HIM AND SCAR TO#MAKE UP SOOOOOO BAD SO WHEN IT JUST ENDED WITH NONEEEEE OF THEIR ISSUES BEING RESOLVED I WAS JUST LIKE. WELL#guess i'll go walk into the ocean now#no matter what happens i am confident i will feel more fulfilled since i am more conscious of. all of this#dont go in expecting things to have a nice little conclusion LOL. sometimes that happens but a lot of times it does not#serena.txt
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