#turns out undiagnosed adhd can actually lead to a lot more problems than just adhd i think

[computer-boy]

a few more days until i can bundle up in bed for two days and not do anything (finally)

[explode-this]

Imagine if we approached all “problem” substances like this. Giving people the facts as to why they might feel a particular kinship or reliance on any given recreational drug, educating them on why it feels good, and then laying out the facts of any health repercussions. This is a much kinder and trusting way of approaching any kind of ‘addiction’ than turning someone over to a system that seems to lead to basically one approach, namely 12 Step, which for all of its public face—“it’s spirituality, not religion!” and “it’s just peer support!”—hides within its folds yet another system of dependence and uses guilt as a whipping stick, not to mention the permanent adoption of a label that no longer fits but encourages one to think of themselves as forever tethered to the mistakes they’ve made.

I used to smoke, and I know why I smoked. It was the only way to get breaks at my various shitty jobs and later I came to find that there was a psychological benefit in the stimulation because of my undiagnosed ADHD. It felt good. There were lots of things I didn’t like about it—the way it made my hair and clothes and breath smell, the cough I developed, the way I felt shitty until I had another cigarette—but it made socializing much easier, because where two or more are gathered with cigarettes there is a way for an awkward autistic woman to actually make conversation, or at least be useful by offering a spare smoke and the use of a lighter, therefore granting her some goodwill among co-workers and friendly strangers alike.

And even though I don’t smoke anymore I don’t judge those who do. There is a pleasure and comfort in smoking, and it is still relatively cheap to partake. But I’m also not scared of understanding the joys of smoking—that I’ll start up again and cause myself harm or be unable to stop again—because I trust myself and the personal decisions I’ve made for my own health. I can be around others smoking and not want to do it, not because I “self-inventory” out of guilt, but because I know myself and care about my own psychological well-being. This also goes for weed. I have no problems with anyone consuming it—a bit envious of those who can ingest edibles and feel something lol—but I don’t do it anymore for a number of reasons and I feel fine… because I trust myself not to need it. Nicotine, weed, booze—they don’t wield any particular power over me personally because I don’t believe they have power. In that way I don’t have to insist that I’m powerless over them, because we’re not fighting. Those are inanimate objects. I am a thinking human being who gets to decide for herself what she ingests and what she doesn’t. (In that same way, a lightbulb or a doorknob or whatever someone in 12 Step is encouraged to focus on as a “higher power” is also an inanimate object and can have no power over anyone. If they are encouraged to use the “group consciousness” as a higher power, then none of those people can have power over them, either.)

Anyway I enjoy Kurzgesagt a great deal—they break down stuff really simply and with bright colorful graphics, which is always my favorite way to learn lmao

TL;DR: wherever you have education and knowledge, you have personal freedom. Never forget that.

[adhdtoomanycommas]

ADHD, Gifted Programs, and Accidental Accommodations

So one big thing has been on my mind pretty consistently since I got diagnosed last year at the age of 30—why did it take so long to figure this out?  At no point in my K-12 education or my 4 year bachelor’s degree schooling did any teacher or counselor question or suggest I may have ADHD, despite the fact that I check nearly every single box on every diagnostic criteria (both inattentive and hyperactive!)

One obvious reason is sexism.  Pretty early in my reading on the subject, I learned that ADHD is dramatically under-diagnosed in girls and women. Partly this is because of different presentations, but a lot of it is just that the stereotype people have in their heads of what an ADHD kid looks like is always a boy.  

But the other big reason, and the one I want to talk about today, is the fact that one of the few ADHD diagnostic boxes that I didn’t check was “bad grades.”  So really, the question is, why weren’t my grades bad?

That’s not to say I was especially good at school work. My backpacks, desks, and binders were always a complete mess, and I NEVER did the homework.  I would do the big projects (at the last possible second, of course) but daily homework just straight up didn’t happen.   If there was time left at the end of class I would sometimes quickly do the homework for the next day, and occasionally jot down some approximation of it in the minute or two before class started, but when I was actually at home, I never touched it.

But here’s the thing with ADHD brains:  We can focus on things with no problem, as long as we find them interesting.  And I’ve always read quickly enough that doing the reading for class was usually interesting. And for the most part, the class content itself usually seemed interesting enough.    But probably most importantly, I consider tests interesting. There’s always been enough of a challenge racing-the-clock game-like aspect to them to me that I would stay engaged on the tests, and even if didn’t completely know the material, I was good at using logic to get a pretty good guess (like using all those tricks they teach for standardized tests—narrowing down the options on a multiple choice question, looking for answers in the other questions, etc.)

So even in the classes where turning in the daily homework counted for part of the grade (math and language classes mostly) I was usually able to scrape a B with only the occasional C thrown in,  and everything else was A’s.  

But part of my saving grace was the “gifted” classes.  I was very lucky that, despite not knowing about her own (probable) ADHD,  my mom knew enough about how she worked as a student to know that me (and my brother) really needed to be engaged and challenged in order to thrive.  Because of this, she advocated for us hard—she insisted we be allowed in my elementary school’s “gifted” program in kindergarten (based on our test scores of course)  even though the “gifted” program officially wasn’t even available until first grade.  And when we moved to a different state, she advocated for us again and got us included even though the “gifted” class was “full.”   She knew that nothing would make us fail faster than being bored in class, so she made sure that there was at least one day a week when we would be challenged and actually get to engage with material we found interesting.  

Aside,  despite how essential they were for me to thrive in school,  the entire concept of “gifted” programs and “gifted” kids is problematic as hell.  Half of the screening is basically just looking for class signifiers and seeing whose parents had enough free time to give them a head start (or whose parents have the time to advocate for their kids the way my mom did for me).  Not to mention there’s likely a massive racial bias. So in all this discussion of why I did ok despite my ADHD, it’s important to note that there’s a lot of privilege at play here determining who gets access to these types of programs.  

This is also why I keep putting “gifted” in quotes--  I don’t think there is anything inherent about academic ability. Also, academic ability, reading ability, testing aptitude, etc. are definitely not indicative of intelligence. Plus the entire concept of the measurability of intelligence is based on eugenics ideas, so clearly one should take the whole thing with a huge grain of salt.

Nowadays the term all the parenting blogs like to use for kids like me, with ADHD (or dyslexia, or autism, or whatever else) who also test well enough to be flagged as “gifted,”  is “Twice Exceptional”  which is a term that makes me immediately want to punch whoever uses it. Seriously,  it makes me gag.  Like, it doubles down on the “special” euphemism and seems entirely designed to make parents feel better about their kid without any consideration to how the kid feels.  No kid wants to be singled out, especially one who’s already probably pretty socially isolated (which I could digress about but that’ll be another essay for another day), and being Twice singled out certainly doesn’t help anything.  

But ultimately the teaching in the “gifted” class itself wound up being really good accommodations for ADHD. I wouldn’t have been a bit surprised if they were better than the accommodations in the separate classes actually intended for kids with ADHD and other learning issues, though since I wasn’t diagnosed as I kid I can’t actually speak to that as I don’t have any experience there.  But in the gifted classes, firstly, we were given more specific subjects as opposed to the overviews we got in regular classes.  And it’s way easier to be engaged on specific subjects like ice age mammals, or the wreck of the Titanic, than it is to be engaged with a broad list of dates or categories.  We did logic problems that were presented as games, but that were indirectly teaching us the basics for higher level math. In 6th grade, we did research projects and got to pick our own subjects completely, so we could write about whatever we were hyperfixating on at the moment (mine was on medieval warfare as depicted in the Bayeux tapestry).   And if we happened to get excited and blurt out an interesting fact vaguely related to whatever was being discussed, that was likely encouraged instead of reprimanded like it would be in the normal classroom. This continued into high school, as honors and AP level classes tended to be a lot more discussion based rather than the top-down approach at other levels, as well as affording more opportunity to choose one’s own subjects.

The story you’ll hear from (or about) a lot of ADHD kids (especially undiagnosed) flagged as “gifted” is of hitting a wall at some point, academically speaking.  That did happen to me briefly, in middle school. We started being assigned a lot more long-term projects, and there was a bit of a learning curve while I figured out how to put things off Until the last minute and not Past the last minute.  But thanks to some patient teachers who believed in me (which I might not have had outside of honors classes), I managed to pull out of it and improve my grades (with the exception of the only report-card F of my entire academic career, from a sadistic gym teacher who seemed to think that enough berating would cure asthma).

Even more stories I’ve read and heard from people who were diagnosed with ADHD as an adult say they hit that wall academically when they started college—the first time they were really self-guided in their studies.  But again, there, I was saved by an honors program.  In this case,  it was the Honors Tutorial College,  a truly strange program at Ohio University.  I was tracked into HTC by one particular professor who very much wanted HTC to expand into the art program and decided that because I had both strong test scores and a strong art portfolio (and probably, lets be real, because I was the daughter of one of the other professors) that I was the perfect person to be the first student in the new program.

OU’s website describes HTC as “flexible curriculum and one-on-one tutorials with renowned faculty that allow your curiosity to take the lead in your education.” It’s rigorous, but comes with a lot of perks, like waiving certain gen-ed classes,  being able to take classes without first taking the required prerequisites,  and designing one’s own independent study classes individually with instructors.  And those perks are (as far as I know entirely accidentally) the perfect accommodations for an ADHD student (and probably pretty good for Autistic ones as well, based on some of my peers in the program).

A lot of the gen-ed classes I waived were ones I probably would have been bored in and thusly not done well.  Being able to skip pre-reqs meant that, for instance, for my English requirements I was able to take far more interesting classes like Shakespeare’s Comedies,  YA Lit,  and Playwriting instead of English 101, 102 etc.  If I wanted to learn about something in particular, I had help finding a professor willing to help me in an independent study/tutorial class.  Being the pilot of the program meant I was able to shape it so that I could get an art degree without ever having to choose one medium (which as far as I know is still an option for anyone pursuing an HTC Studio Art degree).  And at the end of the program, when we were required to complete a massive thesis project and paper (at basically graduate level), not only could I choose my subject to meet my hyperfixations, but I had individual help from a professor keeping me on task on the less-fun parts at every step of the way.  

HTC students are required to keep their GPAs above a high threshold. At one point one of my grades (in Latin class) was low enough to hurt my average, and I was called into HTC headquarters for a check-in meeting.  I was asked why my grade had fallen, and I explained that the class wasn’t that interesting (at that level it was mostly grammar) but that it was getting better as we were moving up into translating more actual historical material. That explanation was entirely accepted.  Imagine if “it’s not interesting enough” was considered a valid excuse for grades slipping for everyone, how much less stressful school would be for ADHD kids!

So ultimately it’s pretty much been having the luck and privilege to get myself flagged for “gifted” classes that kept my grades up throughout my school years.  Accidental accommodations have continued into my adult life as well. At my most recent office job, for instance (which I lost due to covid layoffs), I had a pretty hands-off boss who just didn’t care if I doodled, got up to stretch my legs every once in a while, and listened to audiobooks at my desk all day as long as the work got done.  

I didn’t need a diagnosis to get these accommodations, because they were given freely, which meant I was able to succeed even without knowing about my own ADHD.  If I had been diagnosed, and had had to ask for accommodations, I wonder if I would have done as well as bias against people with ADHD means people wouldn’t have expected as much from me.  

So if you’ve made it this far, I’ll ask for the same for others that I got for myself.  If you are a teacher (or a manager in an office setting),  I strongly encourage you to consider how to make your classroom, office, etc. more accessible in general, without someone having to disclose a diagnosis or be singled out for accommodations.  The biggest easiest one you can do is to allow (or even encourage) doodling in lecture settings. Even for neurotypicals,  there have been plenty of studies proving people retain information better when doodling, so everyone should know by now that someone doodling doesn’t mean they’re not listening.   If at all possible, encourage discussion and contribution.  Give everyone breaks to stretch and move around.  And give as much freedom as possible on what to learn about.  You might be surprised what people are capable of when these reasonable steps are taken to give everyone room to thrive.  

That’s all for now,  hopefully you got something out of this unwieldy ramble.   I’d be curious to hear if you’ve run into any accidental accommodations in your life and how they’ve helped.  Until next time!

[vinodiriso]

ON HANZO’S MENTAL HEALTH AND THE WAY HE IS PORTRAYED ON THIS BLOG.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a psychologist, nor I deal with neurodivergence at any rate. Medical terminology is used only as a reference to describe the mental state of the character, to give a general idea: in the following in-depth study I prefer to analyse the causes and the symptoms rather than the “terminology”. I tried to use the most fitting for my vision and my interpretation for how limited my knowledge of this subject is, no matter my research. Also, when referring to “Hanzo” I am speaking of my personal interpretation of Hanzo, which is my own personal muse; those are by no degrees standards of canon, just what I see most fitting for my own understanding of the muse. If you are a Hanzo roleplayer and disagree with my interpretation, you are totally entitled to follow your own.

Tl;dr: Hanzo is not a neurotypical subject. He struggles with undiagnosed DPDR, ADHD and PTSD.

Since infancy, Hanzo never had an easy time befriend people of his age. Hanzo has never been in an adequate mental state that allowed him to grow close to people he didn’t share a blood connection with, for he spent most of his time reviewing his life rather than living it. This behaviour forced him out of the carefreeness appropriate for young people and into a stoic approach to life that was, yes, praised by the adults, but was never healthy for a teenager. By the age of eleven, the only person Hanzo felt a connection with was his brother Genji, who managed to understand and adapt to the elder Shimada’s slow rhythms in developing friendship and trust.

Hanzo’s will was to follow his father’s and to prove to be a good heir for the Shimada empire. He held no other interests, aside for an undying love for martial arts and swordsmanship. Most of the times, Hanzo held a passive attitude towards his own life, acting rather based on what was expected from him, what was appropriate for him to like or enjoy, not what he truly wanted or wished. I cannot outstretch enough how Hanzo’s life was spent serving and never developing his own self. Hanzo does not know who he is, he doesn’t know the man he is, his personality is confused, which drives him to hold a more aggressive attitude towards life or, in some cases, a completely passive one. The flaunting of his abilities as an archer or the superiority of his craft are merely a coping mechanism, little strokes of self-appreciation from a man that struggles with heavy self-deprecation issues. The traumas of his father’s sudden death and Genji’s attempted murder have shaken his ego to a much darker place. His mind is plagued by terrible images of Hitsounayoru, the Blackwatch attack, the fear, but he fails in remembering consciously the moment he turned against his brother, his mind blocks it and deems it as something so alien to him it must be a fantasy; his mind keeps switching from the idea that everything can be restored to the idea that everything is lost and unacquirable. In simpler words: “This is the home of the Shimada clan, my home” vs “This was once my home. No longer”. Maybe the journey he has embarked in won’t give him redemption, maybe it is not an atonement for his sins... maybe it is retribution for his faults.

To return to the previous topic, one could say that Hanzo has a selective memory in the sense that he only remembers specific parts of his past, namely the best ones or the most impressive. While this is true, Hanzo’s memory, from the point of Genji’s assassination, has become incredibly blurry, both for his past and his present. Hanzo struggles a lot to remember faces, to recall events, even something as little as remembering what he had for dinner the day before, and this is even truer for when he is dissociating. Mirin, what do you mean by dissociating? Hanzo’s dissociation means an impossibility for Hanzo to rationalize his thoughts and his actions. He may sit, but he can’t really say why. He may say something, but he can’t really recall the reason why. He may eat, but he doesn’t really feel hungry. For him, dissociation is living his life sitting in the back of the theatre. He is not in control, his senses are clouded, he is not the protagonist, he is the spectator. During dissociative events, Hanzo’s memory is incredibly foggy and faulted. “Did I really say this?” “I am sorry, I forgot.” “I didn’t remember we had an appointment.” “We… went there? When?”

During a particularly intense dissociative event, Hanzo might become paranoic. The inability to regain control, to do what he needs and wants to do might lead him to fright: someone may take advantage of his weakness, someone may understand that he is not normal, he can’t trust the people around, it doesn’t matter what they say, they can’t understand him, they will harm him. More often than not, it causes him general anxiety and panic attacks. The inability to meet expectations is what haunts him the most and what will lead him into a dead end of nerves; generally, when he can at least pretend to behave normally, dissociative events tend to be not as crippling.

This is, however, a problem that started far back in the time. Since he was a kid Hanzo had those ‘blackouts’, as he usually calls them, where he couldn’t totally be in control. It has only worsened over time: now dissociative events are longer, more invalidating and exhausting than in the past.

One thing that affected him the most in school age was the impossibility for Hanzo to focus on a text for more than 30 minutes. He couldn’t bring himself to pay attention, in the back of his mind he was searching for a distraction, not just something more enjoyable, he wanted something different. This, paired with dyslexia and dysgraphia, led Hanzo to become a terrible student, no matter how actually talented and gifted he is (a proof of his normal, if not bright, intelligence is the ease with which Hanzo makes logic connections between several subjects and reaches often very clever conclusion).

(in constant development...)

[silverscribblesuniverse]

MORE ADHD VIKTOR HEADCANNONS!

Hey Friends! So one of the most beautiful parts of Yuri on Ice is how Yuuri’s anxiety is depicted, right? It’s a really interesting detail, which makes him a much more complex, 3-dimensional character – which in turn gives the story more emotional stakes, and makes the viewers want to root for him.

Another lovely thing about it, is that lot of viewers who have Anxiety in real life found a character that they could relate to – a strong, wonderful, precious character who achieves great things, despite his mental health issues.

SO, keeping that in mind, I’d like to share a long-held head cannon of mine (though I certainly wasn't the first to think of it) about another beloved YOI Character.  

Since October is ADHD Awareness Month, I present for your consideration: ADHD Viktor! 

(Based on my personal, real-life knowledge and experiences managing my own ADHD)

ENJOY! (it’s a VERY long post, sorry not sorry, lol) 

- Viktor has Combined Inattentive/Hyperactive Type ADHD.

[According to the DSM-5 (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition, *which is the most recent edition, published in 2013) ADHD is broken down into three sub-types: Hyperactive Type, Combined Inattentive/Hyperactive Type and *Inattentive Type (*Previously referred to as “ADD” – or Attention Deficit Disorder without Hyperactivity).]

- He’s never been FORMALLY diagnosed though, because OBVIOUSLY talented/“gifted”/successful people can’t POSSIBLY have an Executive Functioning Disorder/Neurodevelopmental Disorder.

[*SARCASM*]

- When he was a little kid (like 4 or 5) he had SO MUCH ENERGY. TOO MUCH ENERGY. ALL THE ENERGY ALL THE TIME. He was ALWAYS talking too much and “getting into trouble” – his constant outbursts were nearly impossible for the adults in his life to handle. So, his parents/guardians enrolled him in various sports, hoping to channel some of that energy into something “more productive”.

[Hello, Hyperactive Symptoms!]

- That’s when he FELL IN LOVE with skating – it was all he ever wanted to do, all he ever wanted to think about, all he ever wanted to talk about, all he ever cared about.

[Ahh, yes, there’s that typical ADHD fixation/obsession]

- And he was good – INCREDIBLY GOOD. So he kept going; He kept getting better and better, and eventually got into Jr. Competitions, where he started winning. And then . . . he kept winning. Suddenly, everyone (especially adults) started praising him for his “dedication” and “focus” – he wasn't constantly being reprimanded for his behaviour anymore; he wasn't being told to “sit still” and “stop fidgeting” anymore.

[People with ADHD often tend to develop a very low self-esteem, because, as children, they are constantly being scolded for their behaviour (Behaviour which they cannot control, because their brains are literally wired differently).]

- But, the praise and attention was only a tiny piece of the puzzle. What REALLY mattered to Viktor was that he had found something he loved, and he was GOOD at it. He finally felt like he belonged somewhere; completely at home on the ice.

[Subconsciously, skating may have given Viktor an incredible creative outlet (People with ADHD tend to be “creative types”), while the exercise during practice may have given him an awesome boost of serotonin, endorphins and DOPAMINE (The leading theory is that ADHD is linked to/caused by an imbalance/lack of dopamine – that’s why stimulant medications can sometimes help. Exercise is also a highly encouraged lifestyle management tool for those with ADHD).]

- So, Viktor kept skating because he loved it, because he excelled at it, and soon he was the Junior World Champion. Things still weren't perfect though – Yakov always yelled at him for spacing out during practice, getting distracted during interviews, forgetting things all over the place, constantly being late (or outright forgetting commitments altogether) and just generally showing a lack of interest/care in anything that didn't involve him physically skating.

[There you are, Inattentive Symptoms; welcome to the party!]

- But like . . . it isn't Viktor’s fault that interviews are so boring. And, besides, Yakov always took care of the scheduling and stuff – if something important came up, Yakov would just remind him!

[People with undiagnosed ADHD tend to subconsciously develop their own “coping” mechanisms to counteract their symptoms – like perfectionism, avoidance, excessive procrastination, or dependency on others.]

- As an adult, Viktor made a name for himself as a figure skating LEGEND. So . . . If he was late sometimes, or distracted, or overly-emotional, it’s totally FINE – LEGENDS like himself are ALLOWED to be ECCENTRIC.

[ADHD can often go unrecognised/undiagnosed/misdiagnosed well into adulthood – especially in “gifted” individuals. ADHD symptoms are also often overlooked, as it can present comorbid with other conditions such as Depression, Anxiety, OCD, ASD (Including Aspergers Syndrome), Tourette’s, Dyslexia, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Conduct Disorder (just to name a few).]  

- But now, Viktor’s reaching the end of his career – he’s a 5 time World Champion and . . . nothing is as easy as it once was. He has no more inspiration. He can’t surprise the audience anymore. He’s still winning . . . but it isn't fun anymore. It doesn't make him happy anymore.

[Maybe it’s because no one is good enough to challenge him, so competitions aren't interesting anymore. Or maybe it’s because he’s lonely, with no time for Life or Love . . . but part of the boredom/malaise could ALSO be the lack of DOPAMINE taking its toll. DOPAMINE is responsible for regulating the “reward centre” of the brain – people with ADHD might not feel the same “rush” as others when they achieve things – like getting good grades, being promoted or receiving an award].

- AND THEN comes the infamous banquet – where Viktor meets Katsuki Yuuri, HIS FUTURE HUSBAND AND THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE. Now, Viktor LOVES skating . . . but he can’t remember EVER being happier than when he was dancing with Yuuri. And sure, he’s had lovers before, but NOTHING ever felt like THIS. He is 100%, absolutely, irrevocably, unquestionably IN LOVE. IT’S ALL SO NEW AND EXCITING AND SCARY AND WONDERFUL AND YUURI IS PERFECT AND VIKTOR IS FEELING ALL THE THINGS!!!

[Another symptom of ADHD (and many other psychiatric conditions) is “Emotional Dysregulation” – people with ADHD can find it hard to control their emotions, often have rapidly shifting emotions, feel their emotions INCREDIBLY INTENSELY, and then tend to act on them impulsively. They often view problems/life in “black and white”; It’s pretty much “all or nothing” feelings-wise.]

- One thing leads to another, and suddenly Viktor has dropped EVERYTHING to fly to JAPAN to be Yuuri’s coach on a WHIM because he is overjoyed and excited and in love – AND THERE’S NO WAY THIS COULD POSSIBLY BACKFIRE! THIS IS THE BEST DECISION HE’S EVER MADE EVER.

[There’s that classic ADHD impulsivity/recklessness/risk-taking.]

- He expects Yuuri to be overjoyed to see him – they’re going to skate and talk and have “slumber parties” and fall in love! But . . . that doesn't happen. Not right away, in any case. Instead, Viktor shows up and Yuuri runs away – he doesn't want to have slumber parties and he starts avoiding him and he acts like he doesn't even REMEMBER the banquet! It’s like Yuuri isn't happy to see him at all. So, Viktor may have been a bit teary-eyed, as he went to sleep ALONE (apart from Makkachin) that first night in Hasetsu.

[Some people with ADHD also experience something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) – an extreme emotional sensitivity to PERCEIVED rejection/criticism].

- Viktor and Yuuri slowly become closer over time; working on their relationships (both personal and coach/student) and figuring out how to communicate . . . even though Viktor has a tendency to be too blunt/push too hard/be too clingy at times.

[EPISODE 2]

VIKTOR: So, do you have feelings for Minako? Do you have a lover now? What about ex-lovers?

YUURI: I’d rather not talk about it . . .

VIKTOR: Then let’s talk about me! Let’s see, my first –

[EPISODE 3]

VIKTOR: The truth is, you’re actually both FAR MORE mediocre than you think. You need to be more self-aware.

[EPISODE 4]

VIKTOR: Yuuri! Why don’t we get some food?

               Yuuri! Want to soak in the springs together? 

               Yuuri! How about a slumber party?

[EPISODE 5]

VIKTOR: It’s amazing you got such a high score after running your face into a wall, but thanks for proving me right about your ability to get a solid PCS! And don’t worry about letting me down, I know you’ll do better next time!”

[EPISODE 7]

VIKTOR: I'm not very good with people crying

              Skater’s hearts are as fragile as glass – let’s try shattering his into                     pieces . . . 

[People with ADHD tend to have communication issues. They might not easily pick up on the emotions of others, interrupt often or otherwise steam-roll conversations. They commonly tend to talk too much, talk too loudly, speak before they think, or say incredibly blunt/hurtful things (all without even realizing what they are doing), which can make them come across as callous, self-centred or tactless. Impatience can also be a HUGE problem – they may tend to dive into new things head-first and don’t always take the time to properly assess situations/build relationships. People with ADHD are often described as being “intense”/“overbearing” or having “BIG PERSONALITIES”; opposingly, they might also be perceived as “flaky”/“aloof”/“uncaring”(depending on ADHD Type and Symptoms Exhibited).]

- Eventually, things start heading in the right direction. Viktor is a fully-fledged coach, and Yuuri just keeps getting better; constantly growing and surprising him. Coaching is exciting for Viktor, because it’s new and novel and he gets to be with Yuuri – but it’s also exhausting, because now it’s HIS job to take care of all the scheduling/organizing/memorizing/time management – things that Yakov used to do. Things that definitely DON’T play to his own strengths.

[EPISODE 2]

VIKTOR: Uh, oh, that’s not a happy face. Let me guess, I forgot to do something I said I would do?

[EPISODE 2]

VIKTOR: Ha, ha, ha, yea, I remember now, it totally slipped my mind! I'm sorry, but you know how I forget stuff sometimes . . . 

[EPISODE 5]

YUURI: I must have told you a million times – but in last year’s nationals I BOMBED EVERYTHING . . .

[EPISODE 5]

YUURI: Do you have any idea where Viktor is? It’s about to start and I can’t find him!

VIKTOR: Sorry, were you waiting?

[EPISODE 6]

YUURI: Come on, Viktor! We’ll miss the flight if we don’t get moving!

[EPISODE 6]

VIKTOR: I'm hungry and this is boring, can we go get hot pot now?

YUURI: I'm kinda in the middle of an interview here . . . 

[EPISODE 10]

VIKTOR: Do you want to try my hot wine?

YUURI: No, I don’t like to drink before a competition

VIKTOR: Oh, right, I forgot. 

There are other little quirks of Viktor’s coaching too; but maybe that’s just because it’s all so new to him. He doesn't have the most experience – but he DEFINITELY has the most enthusiasm.

Like, THAT KISS - (you know the one ;) )

[Pretty impulsive, wouldn't you say? (In the BEST WAY, of course :D)]

And whenever Viktor is rink-side, watching Yuuri skate; he’s always SUPER animated – he gets so invested he even does the quad flip along with Yuuri at the Grand Prix Final in Barcelona! 

[EXCITEMENT - INTENSE EMOTIONS! HIGH ENERGY/RESTLESSNESS – SOMETIMES IT JUST GETS EXPRESSED AS A QUAD-FLIP!]

Viktor also gets super into the other Skater’s short programs at the Grand Prix Final, and doesn't notice how his words/actions are affecting Yuuri. 

[Perhaps it’s just because he loves skating and misses it so much . . . or could it be attributed, in part, to his ADHD brain fixating without him realizing it?]

[So, to sum up; forgetfulness/memory issues, tardiness/poor time management, easily bored/distractable, impulsive . . . those are all pretty much par for the course with ADHD (and other Executive Functioning Disorders as well).]

- In the end, Yuuri wins silver at the Grand Prix Final; but more importantly, he gives Viktor two very important things: Life and Love. And while the road to the GPF is rough and rocky, (managing both Yuuri’s Anxiety and Viktor’s ADHD); their love only grows, changing them and challenging them . . . and making them BOTH stronger for it.

So, there you have it; my ADHD!Viktor head cannons! :) 

He may be forgetful and flaky and blunt and pushy and impulsive and emotional – but he’s also energetic and outgoing and supportive and talented and creative and brilliant and charming and loving.

I see a lot of myself in Viktor – good things and bad things – so this head cannon has a very special place in my heart. Almost all our ADHD-related stories/characters in pop-culture are inaccurate, disregard the realities of ADHD, or just blatantly depict it COMPLETELY WRONG – so when I saw these traits more accurately mirrored in Viktor, a character that I love with all my heart, I couldn't help but expand on the idea.

Having said that, ADHD is a complex disorder; here are some basics:

- ADHD is an Executive Functioning Disorder/Neurodevelopmental Disorder. 

- The name: “Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder” is a bit of a misnomer; it’s not a “lack” of attention, so much as it is the brain’s inability to filter out stimuli, and direct “focus” where it needs to be at any given time. 

- According to the DSM-5, there are 3 subtypes of ADHD – Inattentive, Hyperactive and Combined Inattentive/Hyperactive. 

- Not everyone with ADHD will present ALL Symptoms of ADHD, due to the different subtypes. 

[There are also many more common Symptoms/Comorbidities that go along with ADHD, which I did NOT head cannon for Viktor – things like Sensory Perception Issues/Misophpnia, Coordination Issues/Dyspraxia, and Low Frustration Tolerance/Hot Temper, just to name a few]

- ADHD is GENETIC and HERITABLE – and is linked to a lack of Dopamine. 

- ADHD is not a “Childhood Disorder”. It’s not something you “grow out of” or “cure” – it’s something you learn to manage and live with. Medication is one option – but treatment may also include making lifestyle changes (like diet, exercise, and getting proper sleep), working with ADHD coaches, going to Therapy, and investing time in creating an organizational system that works WITH one’s symptoms.

- An ADHD diagnosis does not mean that one is stupid or lazy or out of control – plenty of highly intelligent, “gifted” or otherwise successful individuals have ADHD (and in fact, with the right diagnosis and treatments, many people who struggle or “under-perform” at school/work due to ADHD are able to harness their previously untapped potential, leading to great improvements in their work, and enabling them to start on a path to success). 

- ADHD isn't a “fake illness” or an “excuse”. ADHD is a very REAL disorder, with a very REAL impact on the lives of those that it affects. However, with the proper diagnosis, knowledge, skills and tools, ADHD is also manageable – and you can absolutely learn how to work WITH your ADHD to become your best self.

***

So, if you've stuck with me this long, thanks for reading! I hope you've enjoyed these little head-cannons for one of my most favourite characters of all-time – and maybe learned something new that can help you or a loved one living with ADHD.

Thanks again! This has been my contribution for ADHD Awareness Month and the YOI One-Year Anniversary!

See You Next Level! ;) 

[actuallyadhd]

Let me preface this with saying that this isn't aimed at anyone in particular. You've had a lot of people sending in asks that talks about their symptoms not harming their school work and such. I test above average intelligence and (I have combined type and) I've struggled with school, would you mind sharing how your diagnosis did affect your lives negatively, but not your school work or grades? Because that's been a hard one for me to wrap my head around. Greatly appreciate it!

This turned into A Very Long Post in which Becca and J Both Wrote Essays, so I put in a Read More.

It’s been over a year now since I got my diagnosis, and to be honest I’m still not sure how much of my life has been affected by having ADHD. It’s a debate of “is this because of my ADHD or is it just how I am? But am I the way I am because of my ADHD? Is there a difference?” I get confused a lot, until I decide to just let it go. There are some things I can think of that are pretty obviously connected to my ADHD.

A huge thing for me is missing deadlines. There are so many things I never even got the chance to try because I missed the deadline for applying, just because I always procrastinate until the very last minute. It’s impacted me pretty negatively, and I’m still working on dealing with knowing I missed so many opportunities just because I couldn’t get started, even though I had more than enough time. 

ADHD has also had some not-so-fun consequences for me socially. As a kid I had a hard time filtering things and I tended to be a little bossy and pushy. A lot of the time I said things without thinking or because I impulsively thought it was funny, which often ended up hurting others, which lead to most of my classmates not quite liking me so much. It makes sense now, but it still kind of messed me up. 

I also run into some difficulties at home. My room has never not been messy; at this point I consider being able to see 30% of the floor a good thing. I’m always losing things I was just holding (yesterday I spent over 20 minutes looking for my water bottle, only to find it in my wardrobe). I’m terrible at grocery shopping and keeping a somewhat healthy eating schedule. My friends often ask me how I even survive, and to be honest I wonder the same thing. 

I could probably write a book about all the ways ADHD has affected all parts of life without even getting into school. Exactly what each ADHDer struggles with is unique to them, and even if many of us deal with similar things, it’s different because everyone’s life is different. 

-Becca

I have Combined type and test above average IQ. Specifically regarding school:

I regularly wrote papers/essays the night before the were due.

In-class essays were rarely actually on-topic... actually, same goes for the longer-term assignments.

I would start the year with all As on my report card and drop at least half a letter grade each reporting period, because INTERESTING! at the start and boring by the end. Even in classes I really liked, like band and English and French.

I regularly missed the point of things we talked about in class, assuming I registered what the topic even was.

Basically, I did quite well in elementary school because I hyperfocused on reading and read all the textbooks in the first week of class, retained it, and could regurgitate it in testing situations. It was similar in high school, but it was harder to perform as well then because you need more executive functioning for that level of schooling. I graduated university with my BMus in Composition with a GPA of 2.67 or something. It should have been higher, but all of the things that caused issues in high school were issues in university. Studying wasn’t something I knew how to do. My auditory attention problems did me zero favours in music history class. I couldn’t get through the dense text books we were supposed to read for seminars and stuff. I did well with my composition classes and my senior project because we had to write things every week and I had to show progress to my advisor every week, plus I really liked writing music so I would get into it (I could also compose on the computer and that’s a Thing for me) and do my work early.

I later completed the coursework for a psych degree, and that went well because I was careful about what courses I took. I stuck to things I was really really interested in. But I flunked out of my music therapy degree after one semester because by then I was also dealing with undiagnosed depression (my ADHD wasn’t diagnosed for another four years after I quit the music therapy degree). I wasn’t able to get things done, I was having to do things---like play the piano---that I simply wasn’t able to do well at all, I had a lot of other stressors (like money problems and being very isolated in a new city), I kept misunderstanding assignments... it was a disaster.

I’m now doing a publishing certificate through distance education. I am doing one course at a time. I note all assignment due dates at the start of the course. I add course readings and so on to my to-do list. I’m doing really well because I’m working within my abilities and while it’s stretching me because I’m learning new things, it’s not impossible because I am careful to check in about what assignments really are supposed to be and because I have figured out what I need and make sure I get it.

In the rest of my life? Well.

Socially, I am introverted and I am also shy. I have some social anxiety because of my impulsive symptoms, so I tend to clam up because I’m scared I’ll say the wrong thing. (This happens a lot actually.) It’s hard for me to make friends because of this kind of thing, but also I miss social cues and I don’t always understand what’s going on because I fade in and out without meaning to (because inattentive symptoms).

As for my home life, my house is a disaster. It is really really messy and disorganized and I cannot for the life of me figure out how to fix it. I have read all the books. I have tried all the systems. It just does not compute. A housekeeper is the one thing I wish we could afford to have, because it is just not something I am good at. At all.

Career? I was always late when I worked outside the home. I miss deadlines often. I was bad at expressing myself so people would think I was being condescending when I was trying to be understanding. If I didn’t write stuff down I would forget instructions.

That’s not everything, it’s just what I can think of right now. But hopefully that sheds some light.

-J

[usamyzonians]

Damage Done

content warning: there will be the use of a slur for people with intellectual disabilities.

So one of the blogs I wrote struck me as a good way to explain something to my therapist, so I copied it and sent it to her almost verbatim.  I changed a couple of lines for context.  My therapist has, in the past, encouraged me to write her things I’ve had difficulty saying.  That blog post still isn’t up because it’s in my queue as I start writing this.  By the time this post has been made, though, it will have been, probably for a couple of weeks.  Hello from the past.  I hope that this blog happens after Donald Trump has resigned and Mike Pence has gained a conscience.

My therapist asked me if I knew I was a good writer or something to that effect and I just sort of shrugged.  She then asked something more akin to “has anyone ever told you this before?” and that answer is yes.  And it got me thinking about why I don’t tend to regard myself as a good writer.  Or really, much of a good anything.

See, I’ve been told I’m a good writer for more than twenty years now.  I was encouraged to consider a career in journalism in high school, or maybe technical writing.  Or maybe instructional books.  I also happen to enjoy writing.  In college, while I pursued a music education, I was encouraged to take writing courses.  I was even encouraged by journalists to pursue journalism, which I did.  Sort of.  While the articles I wrote were well-received, the anxiety of dealing with people was too much and I ended up retreating into tech work because gutting computers doesn’t require that kind of social interaction.  But just because one kind of writing--or even one branch of journalism--wasn’t for me didn’t mean this was some ridiculous failed pipe dream, right?

The problem is that I was encouraged in high school, but before that, I wasn’t.  I was written off.  Growing up in the 80s, people in the medical community hadn’t fully disavowed the word “retarded,” yet, and so while my peers were using it as a slur, I had that potentially hanging over my head.  I was put in remedial classes, while I was worried about things like “who will kick the shit out of me after school today?” and had difficulty focusing even before you factor in the ADHD diagnosis I had but the teachers ignored, and the undiagnosed dyslexia that made me work twice as hard on some things just to keep up.  Or the hearing damage nobody believed I really had which was way worse when I was a kid.

There’s a line from the movie Lucky Number Slevin that I use a lot, and will probably reuse on this blog several times for various reasons.  I don’t know if this is an actual saying, as I’ve never heard it outside the context of the one movie, but it’s fitting:

The first time somebody calls you a horse, you punch him on the nose.  The second time somebody calls you a horse, you call him a jerk.  But the third time somebody calls you a horse, well, perhaps it’s time to go shopping for a saddle.

Spend your childhood being called “retarded” and told that you lack potential, you’re likely to believe it at some point.

When things are hard for me, I tend to go “well, of course, I’m an idiot.” When things are easy for me, my baseline assumption is that they must be easy, because again, I’m an idiot.  This is not self-condemnation, this is the way things are and the way the world works.

In fact, this can lead to some really frustrating moments other people don’t seem to understand.  When people don’t understand something that I can understand and demonstrate, I sometimes get a visceral reaction of “how the fuck can you not understand something that I, an idiot, can grasp!?”

Things started to change after I scored in the 98th percentile on one of those standardized tests.  Suddenly, they were all “why is this kid not doing well in school?”  There were numerous tests.  They decided I was not, in fact, “retarded,” but instead had a learning disability and should be worked with.  Words like “genius” were thrown around.

And I could not believe them less.

I feel like I should probably also point out that, by this point, I had the added anxiety that I didn’t really expect to live long enough to graduate.  I’d been the target of violence since like first grade, and I knew how things tended to end for LGBT individuals.  This led to a lot of anxiety when they started asking me to consider a future I wasn’t sure I’d have.  And even more anxiety when I was about to turn 18 and suddenly realized at the very least, I was going to live to graduate.

It’s hard to care about a future you don’t think you have.

But I digress.  It may be hard to learn in an environment where you’re worried someone might murder you, but that was more in addition to everything else.  Things went from “hey, you’re garbage” to “hey, you’re great!” and they just sort of expected me to be all “well, I guess that’s that!  No harm done!”

Except I’d spent most of my life to that point being told I couldn’t even cut it in a “normal” school environment, and now they were saddling me with new expectations and responsibilities and I was supposed to change the world or something.

All that encouragement I mentioned?  I can’t take it seriously.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to, and I certainly don’t know how I’d start.  I’ve been a paid journalist, I’ve written novels (unpublished; it’s hard to sell something you think is crap), and I write profusely on a day-to-day basis.  All that, and I still can’t convince myself I might actually be good at this.

Or anything, really.

This isn’t just about writing.  I deflect compliments.  Sometimes, I’ll do worse.  I’ve actually laughed derisively at them before, and probably will in the future.  I can be a real asshole to people who say nice things to me.  And people keep telling me how unfortunate it was that I had “bad teachers,” though this sort of experience seems somewhat common of my generation.  But they always say it as though it’s somehow going to repair me.  As if it can undo the damage done.  Shame or not, it happened.  Right or wrong, it happened.

I just don’t know how anything short of a time machine can change that.