#my drug

[dancingundermoonlight101]

-Orion Pax's Diary-

Is there a right way to love? Or is love subjective to the one experiencing it? It is not often me and Megaronus speak on the subject. He thinks it is something only those privileged enough to not worry about death are allowed to feel and pursue. But that doesn't mean we haven't talked about it.

I have heard, whether he knows it or not, the exact way he'd love. He'd not be shy on compliments. Megaronus would admire the one he loves from head to pede and say out loud how beautiful they'd be. Gorgeous. He'd admire their frame silently, too. His optics full of worship.

It has me thinking about the way I love him. I feel like I'm lacking. I know subjectively that Megatronus is a very attractive mech, yet that's not what I think about when I'm with him. I think on the way he makes me feel, how his presence draws me in, and how his words always capture my attention. He is a melody I'd never tire of hearing. A flawed painting that I'd never tire of seeing. But even so, do I truly love him if I can't even compliment his looks? It feels like a no-brainer in my processor. Megatronus is undeniably attractive. But I feel like since it's such an obvious thing that it would be alright to not mention it. Primus, why am I even thinking about this? Megatronus doesn't love me. But.. if we were to be together. Would this be the cause of some problems? Would he want to receive compliments but find none with me? I don't want that. I want Megatronus to always know how much I love him! But do I really love him? Well, the answer is yes. But what if it's just deep admiration? Sure, my spark aches to think him betrothed to another, and I might already be planning a lonely future for myself where he's already conjuxed, and I can't let go of these feelings. But what if they're just that? Daydreams? Could I be in love with how unattainable he is?

My reason for thinking this is how often dreams I'm having include me and Megaronus possibly being together. Megatronus confessed to me in one of them, yet I felt conflicted. I wanted to emediatly say yes, but another part of me felt speechless. I didn't want to accept, but I didn't want to deny either. Neither I nor him are ready for commitment. He himself has told me that. I wouldn't want to selfishly jump into a relationship that won't last. I want me and Megaronus to be together for a long, long time. But these dreams keep reminding me how I'm likely not going to want a relationship with him without that trust that I'm not just a spur of the moment choice.

It's foolish and an insult to Megatronus to think him so shallow. He would definitely put a lot of thought into his decision. But the anxiety in my spark can't help but think that I'm not going to be worthy of such thought. That if he were to confess to me, I would just be the easy option because of how much I want to be with him. It hurts. I have never felt such conflicting feelings inside me. Would others judge me? "Why love a mech you can't trust?" Or "If you don't want to be something with him right now, why still pursue him?"

I love him, and I do trust him. I just don't trust myself. Who would love and cherish the thoughts and ideas of a boring librarian like me? I'm not even that attractive, nor am I strong. He would definitely want to be with someone as strong as him. His equal. Megatronus has a mind like no other. I hope that, if I try hard enough, I can stand together with him. At least in that regard.

He challenges my thinking, my way of life. I love how he inspires change in me like no other. Perhaps I have tunnel vision, but I see no other future I'd rather have than one where me and him are together. There would never be a day I wouldn't thank Primus for letting me be lucky enough to be with him. Where I wouldn't try my best to let him know how much he is loved. How he is worthy of every achievement. I would comfort him, too, to the best of my abilities when something is wrong.

I just.. want to experience all the good and bad that life has to offer with him. Forever. It's just.. not the right time.

Will there ever be a right time?

[venivenias]

this fanfic.

[sp00kysk3lly]

Written on 29th January

I’m in love with someone who doesn’t and never will love me back. And it’s driving me mental and I’m losing my mind.

This woman is the most beautiful woman I have ever met. Since I first saw her several years ago, I knew I would start having a crush on her. I thought it would just be like the others.

Have a crush on them

End up being stupid and telling them straight away.

I’m embarrassed, angry and rejected.

Eventually get over it.

But not her. Not with her. She stayed for several years. Stuck inside my head, stuck in my heart. She made me a better person. She stopped me self-harming, she stopped me feeling suicidal. She made me feel safe and like I mattered in life.

Every time I saw her, I just wanted to hold her and tell her everything.

Just like that song, Losing My Mind by Mayday Parade.

The chorus really sticks out to me.

Everynight I’m dreaming I could hold you.

Every time I wake up all alone

I was fine ‘til you faded from my life

Now I’m losing my mind,

Yeah, I’m losing my mind.

Those fit with how I feel about this person.

I just want to hold her and hold her hand and tell her that she’s beautiful and amazing and she’s perfect. But I can’t. She has a husband, and kids. It’s not fair.

Everyone I have ever loved, is taken. The feelings aren’t reciprocal.

I wish you could make someone love you. I wish you could just make a wish like on birthday cakes where you blow out the candles and make a wish.

For her ❤️ -

I can’t even sleep now. All because of YOU! But it isn’t your fault, it’s not remotely your fault. It’s all my fault.

But I didn’t expect for it to go on this long either.

I done something last night, something I’m not proud off. I don’t know why it was that urgent for me to find it out. But I did. You can’t hide anything from me. Not when I am determined.

All I can say is that, I Am Truly 100% Sorry. I’m messed up. I know im too messed up for you now. You wouldn’t love me, even if you were single. You’re a counsellor, I mean to be honest, I’d probably be your dream. Im textbook psychopath. You’d probably get famous from me, because you’d be able to write books and do talks about how you saved the psychopath.

But I am really sorry. I never meant for it to get this far.

***

Before this, I wasn’t this bad. I got a bit crazy after she first left. But not to this extreme. Now I feel like it’s too late, I don’t think I am able to be saved. I’m trying to reach out to get help. I’m trying my best. But what can I do when I can’t get into the doctors, even speak to them in fear of my family thinking I’m some weird freakzoid?

I was just a stupid kid who had a crush, but unfortunately, I’m not just some “normal kid with a crush.” I’m a fucked up human being, that’s the decent thing to say. But I’m just fucked up in the head and I can’t be fixed.

Again, I am so sorry.

I found this picture and noticed it looked like me and her. Same colour of her hair, I always wear a beanie and hoody. I would protect her with my life. I wouldn’t let anyone or anything hurt her.

She’d be safe with me.

She’s like my drug. She makes me feel better, happier, she makes the bad stuff go away. I need her. I really need her back in my life. Even if she just stays a friend.

[ableism]

I know i’m functionally a gay DARE officer at this point but I do in fact feel some sort of way about Cocaine being back in vogue. Surely I sound like a square + narc and I’ll concede ok do whatever you want, nobody can materially stop another person from using drugs if they really want to 🤷🏻 I don’t really care that it’s hip to do party drugs, moreso I want to articulate a general level of caution and concern that I never see a sidecar of harm reduction and safe using practices along with the commonplace clips of people straight up snorting coke I’ve seen for “brat summer!!!1!!”

You 🫵 are not immune to ingesting fentanyl or any number of other additives. Do you think drugs at the gay club are different than the drugs people are taking under bridges and in gutters? I promise they’re not! So if you want to use drugs and continue being alive, do your part to be safe. Protecting yourself protects others and your community.

Do not accept drugs from strangers. Test your drugs with fentanyl test strips. Carry narcan and know how to administer it. Never use alone. Have an exit strategy if you’re using drugs in a public space. Know the contact information for your local harm reduction groups, overdose emergency hotline, and if you need/want it, addiction treatment orgs. This is all the bare minimum for community care if you intend to be out in the world using drugs. Mainly I encourage you all to be buzzkills if it means you don’t have to die of an accidental overdose. Overdose is the leading cause of death for Americans under 40. I have a whole lot of social workers in my network and however bad you think the synthetic opioid crisis is, it’s worse. The war stories I’ve heard from my people on the ground are… The shit of nightmares. Don’t let it be you or anybody you love.

If you live in the state of Georgia, DM me for a longer list of resources.

Fentanyl information (harm reduction.org)

Get Narcan

How to use fentanyl test strips

Call 311 to find out where to get Narcan in your community at no cost to you

[eggdrawsthings]

It's the best decision I'll ever make

[wrentherainfall]

Look man, it was too perfect not to do, I was obligated to make this-

Anyways another drawing for my little series of dumb doodles, gotta keep the fandom well fed💪💪

[bamsara]

Concept comic for a scene I'm writing for Trod

Takes place in the before-Shamura and mass dissention arc. I think the menticide mushrooms would react horrifically combined with godhood. Instead of seeing things that aren't real, they see real things they're not supposed to

[candyskulllove69]

I'm addicted to you. You are my (love drug). I need you every day.

[stil-lindigo]

hobie motherfuckin' brown!!!!!!

[thelostmoongazer]

pomnipomnipomnipomnipomnipomipominpomipipmp,,immpio,iomiopsicdompsiop

[lungthief]

sometimes u just gotta remind yourself that while ace attorney is about law and justice and stuff it is also about a bunch of young adults living in [CALIFORNIA]

[kedreeva]

Lady on Facebook: do hawks really avoid black chickens?

This guy:

I can't breathe what the fuck 😂

[chocolatepyrusart]

Apology Tour | Mastermind

[lambment]

request: "What do your bishops look like and how does the lamb think of them?"

I haven’t decided (or started) on designs yet. As for my lambs opinion, they process everything through humour, I would say this is their surface level opinion on the bishops. There’s obviously the deeper-seated issues they have w them tho.

[aerequets]

i finally have enough time to properly draw again, so i'm treating myself to a PTA Mom VS. Twilight Saga. listen all i want is a silly little post reveal story with silly little shenanigans and extreme pettiness + perfectionism from twilight in the most trivial of matters. is that too much to ask?

i am going to tag this under 'spy x pta' LMAO

(for those who don't know, PTA stands for Parent Teacher Association. commonly in elementary schools, parents in the PTA are often stereotyped as overbearing, overly competitive, and petty)

[fluttershyes]

anyway heres wonderwall