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-Orion Pax's Diary-
Is there a right way to love? Or is love subjective to the one experiencing it? It is not often me and Megaronus speak on the subject. He thinks it is something only those privileged enough to not worry about death are allowed to feel and pursue. But that doesn't mean we haven't talked about it.
I have heard, whether he knows it or not, the exact way he'd love. He'd not be shy on compliments. Megaronus would admire the one he loves from head to pede and say out loud how beautiful they'd be. Gorgeous. He'd admire their frame silently, too. His optics full of worship.
It has me thinking about the way I love him. I feel like I'm lacking. I know subjectively that Megatronus is a very attractive mech, yet that's not what I think about when I'm with him. I think on the way he makes me feel, how his presence draws me in, and how his words always capture my attention. He is a melody I'd never tire of hearing. A flawed painting that I'd never tire of seeing. But even so, do I truly love him if I can't even compliment his looks? It feels like a no-brainer in my processor. Megatronus is undeniably attractive. But I feel like since it's such an obvious thing that it would be alright to not mention it. Primus, why am I even thinking about this? Megatronus doesn't love me. But.. if we were to be together. Would this be the cause of some problems? Would he want to receive compliments but find none with me? I don't want that. I want Megatronus to always know how much I love him! But do I really love him? Well, the answer is yes. But what if it's just deep admiration? Sure, my spark aches to think him betrothed to another, and I might already be planning a lonely future for myself where he's already conjuxed, and I can't let go of these feelings. But what if they're just that? Daydreams? Could I be in love with how unattainable he is?
My reason for thinking this is how often dreams I'm having include me and Megaronus possibly being together. Megatronus confessed to me in one of them, yet I felt conflicted. I wanted to emediatly say yes, but another part of me felt speechless. I didn't want to accept, but I didn't want to deny either. Neither I nor him are ready for commitment. He himself has told me that. I wouldn't want to selfishly jump into a relationship that won't last. I want me and Megaronus to be together for a long, long time. But these dreams keep reminding me how I'm likely not going to want a relationship with him without that trust that I'm not just a spur of the moment choice.
It's foolish and an insult to Megatronus to think him so shallow. He would definitely put a lot of thought into his decision. But the anxiety in my spark can't help but think that I'm not going to be worthy of such thought. That if he were to confess to me, I would just be the easy option because of how much I want to be with him. It hurts. I have never felt such conflicting feelings inside me. Would others judge me? "Why love a mech you can't trust?" Or "If you don't want to be something with him right now, why still pursue him?"
I love him, and I do trust him. I just don't trust myself. Who would love and cherish the thoughts and ideas of a boring librarian like me? I'm not even that attractive, nor am I strong. He would definitely want to be with someone as strong as him. His equal. Megatronus has a mind like no other. I hope that, if I try hard enough, I can stand together with him. At least in that regard.
He challenges my thinking, my way of life. I love how he inspires change in me like no other. Perhaps I have tunnel vision, but I see no other future I'd rather have than one where me and him are together. There would never be a day I wouldn't thank Primus for letting me be lucky enough to be with him. Where I wouldn't try my best to let him know how much he is loved. How he is worthy of every achievement. I would comfort him, too, to the best of my abilities when something is wrong.
I just.. want to experience all the good and bad that life has to offer with him. Forever. It's just.. not the right time.
Will there ever be a right time?
#megop#transformers#angst#megatronus#orion pax#optimus prime#megatron#megatron x optimus prime#i love writing#I'm sleepy#had inspiration#I just love talking about love#it's a drug#my drug#Orion loves Megatronus a lot#he just worries. a lot.#feels like he's not enough#or just not Megatronus's type#transformers prime
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tang dynasty miku
#ms worldwide!!!!!#hatsune miku#vocaloid#miku fanart#hanfu#tang dynasty#artists on tumblr#not even gonna lie i don’t even go here i listened to like. three miku songs in 2013 that’s it#but this twitter trend was so cute and inspiring so i kinda had to#pls forgive this fake fan gomenaSORRY#yumidraws
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"You just have to look closely."
#anyway how we're feeling with this last episode folks#my art#tadc#fanart#the amazing digital circus#art#i had been meaning to draw this comic for a while but never had the energy for it#i got a burst of inspiration from the episode#tadc fanart#tadc kinger#tadc queenie#kinger x queenie#tadc episode 3#tadc spoilers#kinger tadc#kinger#btw sorry for any gramatical mistakes english aint my first language my bad#comic#tadc comic#i don't know if kinger and his wife knew each other before the circus but going with the yes option just because
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ghanaian miku
#zeno's art#hatsune miku#vocaloid#vocal synths#ghana#theres a trend on twitter where you draw miku as from your country#and i dont think anyone's done ghana yet!!!#her outfit is inspired by fashion + fabrics that my mother would wear and also stuff i found on pinterest#ghana kind of has a gold fixation lol so theres lots of gold#and the drink she's holding is supermalt. idk if its actually ghanaian but i know that ghanaians love it#(its very yummy btw idk how to explain the taste cuz i havent had it in a while but you should drink it if you ever come across it)#ok tumblr gets this early#ill post at like 4pm for twitter
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"Nice characters are boring" to YOU. I love characters who no matter what, will always have genuine love for humanity in their heart. Characters who dance and laugh and sing with sincerity. Characters who believe in others, and are willing to extend a helping hand to people when no one gave them the same luxury. Characters who have gone through so much but believe, no matter what, that humanity and life is something beautiful and worth protecting
#this is not to say i dont love fucked up characters. i DO. but i also adore characters full of love and whimsical joy#aang#<- this post was inspired by a convo i had with my friend about him#Clark kent#samwise gamgee#aragorn#tora olafsdotter#WHO IS WYL RAVENGAURD#izuku midoriya
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pretty boy
#delicious in dungeon#dungeon meshi#laios touden#art#digital art#my art#Hi kensuke👋#according to the speed paint this took 10 hours and like 3 of them were deciding how i wanted to color this#very loosely inspired by spirit phone. i couldn’t commit to the red tho. Sorry#btw thank you all SO SO SO SO MUCH for all the love on the other laios#you guys are so kind thank you i love you i love reading what everyone had to say about it
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my job under siege by zant's foul army
#inspired by the university under siege by the daedra i loved it so much i had to make my own#and also i just really want to play twilight princess rn#pro controller is on the way though yay
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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail''#ah tumblr...#writeblr#warm up#idk . having trouble writing rn#ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum#i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for#i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" .....#no.... not really.....#idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography#like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days#furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing...#this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey.#idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me.#i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will#actually ever happen#ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum
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have you heard of that new hot spot in ba sing se 🍵
#inspired on that scene from howls moving castle#ode to all of u who had a crush on him when ur were like 12#zuko#lee from the teashop#if i hid a sokka there what r u gonna do abt it#atla#avatar the last airbender#zuko atla#atla zuko#theres also mai and those two girls u know the ones#cont of that last post perhaps???#he is a bi disaster to me#i actually hate the colors green is so hard to coordinate wtf#dood
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The contemporary corporate culture around mental health awareness/support is so fucking agonising. It's like this play-acting of social responsibility by forcing people to sit through empty platitudes and useless advice written by and for bougie fucks whose greatest mental health issue is feeling a little stressed before their monthly performance review. To add injury to insult, many of the institutions pushing this stuff the hardest are the ones most responsible for the material conditions that actually cause or exacerbate so many mental health problems. Like having decent working conditions or reliable access to housing is gonna improve mental health a lot more than breathing exercises and mindfulness.
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#inspired by a convo I had with a friend where she said the show made her glad she was more of a disney kid and not a nickelodeon kid#like girl you think these things weren't happening at disney too??#quiet on set#nickelodeon#dan schneider
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…we’ll show ‘em what we all mean!
#i just wanted to use a line from 'disenchanted'! bc they're the brothers way#mcr#mcr art#mcr fanart#my chemical romance#gerard way#mikey way#my art#artists on tumblr#stayed up wayyyyy too late cranking this out. but inspiration struck me and i've had art block for most of 2024! so!!#it looks like mikey has 3 fingers on that one hand but i promise the 4th finger is there lol the ref pic has it in shadow tho#when we were young 2024#wwwyf 2024
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¨Dies Irae¨ Let her rage
#mouthwashing#mouthwashing anya#anya mouthwashing#anya#digital illustration#artwork#digital art#fan art#artists on tumblr#fanart#mouthwashing game#give her the axe so she can beat the shit out of jimboy#more Mago inspired art#had been listening a lot to them lately#eyestrain#idk what's up with people not wanting her going angry#she has all the right to be angry#we have the right to feel anger
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#iwtv fanart#iwtv#interview with the vampire#lestat de lioncourt#louis de pointe du lac#iwtv armand#daniel molloy#back with my bs#they had one coffin in sf bc armand slept in a cardboard box i know it#the daniel pic was inspired by that pic of assad and luke#they play with their food sometimes quite literally like on a piano#vampires are cats
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Michael Afton wishes he had FNAF Movie Mike's life,,
#myart#chloesimagination#comic#fnaf#five nights at freddy's#mike schmidt#michael afton#elizabeth afton#fnaf movie#sister location#fnaf fanart#tbh this comic was an exist to draw different looks for Mike and Michael#it’s just cool to think about the ‘what ifs’ now and again#I think Michael does prefer Mike’s life seeing compared to his it’s currently simple#he’d love to be alive and just taking care of Elizabeth as best he can#though Mike is definitely not as enthusiastic 💀#his life would just get significantly worse if he had Michael’s life#so he’s not interested at all BAHAH#It was fun to draw them out though in swapped looks#Mike being scooped and Michael and Elizabeth being in more movie inspired clothes#my boy Michael can dream!!
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1941
#inspired by that insane tension these two had in 1941#no way they didn't kiss at least once and then promised each other to never mention it again#aziracrow#aziraphale#crowley#aziracrow fanart#ineffable husbands#ineffable husbands fanart#good omens fanart#good omens 2#david tennant#michael sheen#aziraphale x crowley#my good omens art#fanart#digital art#my art
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