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greengrayeyeswrites · 3 years ago

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shit-faced in love (chapter five)

Title: shit-faced in love

Pairing: Corpse Husband x OC (fem!youtuber!reader)

Word Count: 1,158

Warnings: Mental Health/Mental Illnesses are a big topic in this story. Mentions of depression, bpd and other mental illnesses. Angst, Fluff.

Note: This may be a Corpse x OC story but feel free to insert yourself into the main girls role. If Corpse ever announces that he doesn’t like fanfics about him, I’ll delete this.

Prologue — Chapter 1 — Chapter 2 — Chapter 3 — Chapter 4 — Chapter 5 — Chapter 6

Author’s Note: Hello guys! I am very, very sorry that I didn’t update this any sooner. I’ve had a lot of troubles with my mental health lately, especially my bpd acting up and making me feel so worthless I wanted to punch myself in the face with a chair... But I thought that I need to get my shit back together and post a new chapter. I am really sorry about the delay. All these likes I am getting on a story that I mainly write for myself is overwhelming... so a massive thank you!

Also HAPPY BIRTHDAY CORPSE!

— — —

Imogen ended up being MIA for two whole days. She didn’t update her Twitter after cancelling the stream and didn’t upload anything on her Instagram story and her feed.

The day after her bad mood swing she stayed at home and Baylee came over. The two girls were spending the day on the couch watching silly old-school romcoms; Buddy sitting in between them in case Imogen needed him.

They were watching movie after movie, falling asleep in between and Imogen felt bad for Baylee. She apologized for being so unmotivated, boring and weird today but Baylee quickly shook her head and told her that it was okay.

Imogen couldn’t believe how happy she was to have Baylee as her friend, but since she was shifting from black to white thinking and back to black, she couldn’t really feel the happiness she knew existed somewhere.

All she felt was emptiness and sadness. The episode lasted four whole hours and Imogen fell asleep crying in the middle of it.

On her final day in Houston, Imogen and Baylee decided to go shopping and Imogen wanted to spoil her best friend. She got her a new computer and a new phone—which Baylee couldn’t quite believe. But Imogen was persistent and wanted her to keep the things.

Imogen then rented a beautiful NCT green colored Jeep Wrangler; which the girls immediately tried out when they were driving to the Space Center Houston for their last day.

„You almost sounded like MrBeast, when you gave me the phone and Macbook“ Baylee chuckled, as the girls looked for a parking lot in front of the Space Center. „I mean I’m meeting him and the crew next week for the first time, so I have to practice“, Imogen grinned, feeling way happier then a few days back.

„D’you already know what you’re doing with them?“ Baylee asked, but Imogen shook her head, when her phone rang with a message notification.

„Would you mind?“ Imogen asked nodding towards her phone, that was peeking out of her totebag in front of Baylee’s feet. Buddy was lifting his head from the backseat, looking at his owner and her friend.

„You got a voice message from Corpse“ Baylee read the notification on the lock screen and Imogen gulped. „Would you mind playing it?“ The twenty-eight year old asked and Baylee nodded, unlocking Imogen’s phone and pressing play.

The first thing both girls could hear was shuffling in the background before Corpse’s deep voice rang in their ears. „Whaddup baby?“, he asked and a shiver went through Imogen’s body, while she maneuvered the car into a parking lot.

Baylee slapped her hand over her mouth, staring at Imogen in shock. Hearing his go-to phrase so close to her ears and so intimate was kinda scary. Baylee felt like she was eavesdropping.

„How are you feeling?“ Corpse asked, „We were kinda worried when you didn’t respond to the group chat. I know I go MIA as well but you usually told us what was wrong. Rae was worried and I was as well. Please text us soon, so we don’t have to worry anymore.“

A quiet breath left his lips and Imogen looked over to Baylee, who was still covering her mouth. „I hope you finish your MrBeast stuff soon. I want to meet you real quick!“ Corpse finished the message and the phone screen turned black.

„Oh my god“ Baylee let out and stared at Imogen. „I felt so bad for listening, Mo!“ She cried out and Imogen gulped. „I feel so bad for not telling them what happened. I know how worried they get when I don't text!“ Imogen shook her head.

„Here, here!“ Baylee pressed the phone into Imogen’s hands. „Text them now! Tell them how you’re feeling and what you’re up to today!“ Baylee turned around to Buddy.

„Buddy, I can’t believe I heard Corpse speak like that! He was genuinely worried!“ Imogen watched her best friend and shook her head.

She had to be honest. Hearing Corpse’s voice like that made her heart jump a little bit. What was he doing with her? She didn’t even know what he looked like, yet he made her heart do weird dancy-dances.

She knew Baylee was watching her, while she typed into her phone. She knew Baylee wanted to know what she wrote—and she would’ve told her, if she wouldn’t be so shy about it.

When the women came home this night, Baylee decided to crash over in Imogen’s AirBnB. They stayed up most of the night and talked about everything and nothing. They were talking about Baylee’s crush on her co-worker, that didn’t even notice her presence. They spoke about Imogen’s therapy and medication and how Buddy had helped her out of so many dark places already; and then, as the sun was about to rise again, they fell asleep.

— — —

They woke up to Buddy licking their faces, wagging with his tail only a few hours later. Baylee sat up and looked at Imogen, fighting her dog off her.

„You know what? I’m going to miss you.“ Imogen finally got Buddy off her and looked at Baylee. Tears filled her best friends eyes and Imogen looked at her. „Bay“, she whispered and crushed her best friend in a hug. „This week went by way too fast“ Baylee cried into Imogen’s shoulder. „I swear, before I go back to Ireland, I’ll take you on a vacy to Hawaii. So be prepared to take a few days off, once I’m done with my travel!“

Imogen started laughing and Baylee grinned. „Gotcha!“

After having a breakfast together, Baylee helped Imogen pack her stuff and load it into the Wrangler. Imogen was fastening Buddy in the backseat, when she closed the door behind her and hugged Baylee once more.

„Take care, Mo.“ Baylee said and squished Imogen’s cheeks. „I will.“ - „No, I’m serious. When you feel low or sad or empty , turn off the cameras and hold Buddy. Okay?“

Imogen smiled. „I will. Thank you, Bay.“ The girls hugged once more, Baylee clinging on to Imogen as if her life depends on it. „I just wish I could quit my retail job and follow you around, being your camera woman or something.“ Baylee sighed and Imogen looked at her.

Imogen’s brain buzzed. „Keep that in mind, Bay. Okay? I’d even pay you.“ Baylee looked at Imogen and the Irish lass grinned. „Whatever you say, big girl“ Baylee grinned and softly banged the side of the Wrangler.

„Go and take the NCTzen car through the states.“ Baylee grinned and stepped aside to her own car. Imogen grinned and climbed into the Wrangler.

„Good luck on these 1,270 miles!“ Balyee yelled, as Imogen turned on the engine. „Take breaks in between okay?“ Imogen nodded and started backing out of the driveway.

Baylee disappeared into the distance and a piece of Imogen’s heart broke, when she left Houston behind.

to be continued...

Taglist: @wineandionysus @chanbaeol @rexit-mo

#corpse husband #corpse husband fandom #corpse fandom #corpse fanfiction #corpse husband imagines #corpse #fanfiction #imagine #corpse x reader #corpse x oc #corpse x you #corpse x yn #corpse husband x reader #corpse husband x oc #corpse husband x you #corpse huisband x yn

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maknaesdancersrappers · 4 years ago

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Devoted 2.

part 10

Overall warning/s: kinkier smut (eg. voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc.) character death, dark themes

Chapter warning/s: vulgar language, violence

Just how devoted is Jaehyun to you?

prev: part 9

wc: 6.3k

You, your mom, Jaehyun’s mom, Yebin, and Minkyung had arrived at the resort a little past noon and were immediately served lunch as the resort staff brought your bags to the room. After eating and resting for a bit, Jaehyun’s mom led everyone to where the wedding venue could be and visualized it for them.

The pathway to the recreational garden had butterfly bushes on each side that lead to a spacious circular area that could fit just enough for your target wedding entourage. There was a gorgeous fountain offset from the center of the area that had beautiful, healthy, large kois swimming about in the basin and a metal fence that had Chinese honeysuckles creeping through the bars that separated the area from the beach.

“What do you think, sweetheart?” Jaehyun’s mom turned to you, eyes sparking and hopeful. A resort staff brings over a tray of champagne for everyone and leaves after everyone has their own glass.

“It’s beautiful, definitely.” You looked up at the looming cherry blossom trees over the fountain, imagining what it would look like when spring comes with the petals filling each basin and flowing down with the water. “But I feel like there’s something missing.”

Minkyung took pictures for you on your phone to send to Jaehyun and for his mom to use as reference for planning. “What’s the color scheme again?”

“Pink and gray.” You answer, although a bit unsure if you wanted to push through with it. “Unless it’s too pink? With the cherry blossoms and all?”

“It depends on the shade of pink you want.” Jaehyun’s mom interjects, “I suggest something a bit deeper… like watermelon.”

“Wouldn’t that be red already?” Yebin curiously speaks up, already finished with her drink, hanging it haphazardly by the flute’s foot between her fingers.

“No, not literally watermelon red.” You explain, “It’s a darker shade of pink. Ah, I wish I had my paint swatches.”

She waves her other hand, “No, no, it’s okay. Just don’t make me wear anything short as a bridesmaid.”

“Isn’t the trend to use infinity dresses for bridesmaid gowns? That was my plan.” You walked over to her and linked your arm with hers. The sea breeze was cool despite the afternoon sun; it was a perfect day to lounge by the pool or wade in the shallow waters of the beach. You leaned your head on Yebin’s shoulder and sighed, “I don’t think I want to get married here. It’s a nice venue, maybe for a reception, but not the ceremony.”

“Then let’s go to my aunt’s place! I haven’t even been there, but knowing her, it’ll be gorgeous.” Yebin leans back on you, “She’s a landscaper.”

The private property was completely walled off with 2-story cement walls with vines creeping up from the ground. From the metal gates up to the parking space in front of the house were tall pine trees and the road leading up to the majestic water fountain surrounded by rose bushes was gray gravel. There was a woman that stood just where the gravel stopped and was replaced by ceramic tiles; she had salt and pepper pixie cut hair and wore high waist trousers with a simple tank top. Something about her screamed ‘boss bitch’ and you’re not doubting she’s related to Yebin.

“Eunyong!” Jaehyun’s mom greets once the car comes to a stop, throwing her hands up as the woman approaches her. They kiss their cheeks and hug each other, “Thank you for this.”

“Oh, honey, you know this is nothing. Who is she? Who’s the lucky girl marrying your son?”

Jaehyun’s mom holds her hand out to you and you bashfully greet her, “Hello. I’m [Y/N].”

“To be marrying Jung Jaehyun and having his mom plan the wedding?” She takes your hands and smiles fondly at you, “You’re a lucky girl. You must be so happy.”

“I still can’t believe it myself.” You admit, “Thank you, again, for lending your property.”

“Anything for the Jungs. Oh, Yebin! What a small world, you’re friends with [Y/N]?”

Yebin gives her aunt a kiss on the cheek, “We were roommates all our college life with Minkyung.” She gestures to her, who bows her head in greeting.

“My! I think I’ve seen you in a fashion show in Europe, my dear.”

Minkyung blushes, “Well, I am a model.”

After you introduce your mom and a few more pleasantries, Eunyeong gives you a tour of her property. She first led everyone to the 3-story mansion and explained that it had 15 ensuite bedrooms, 4 extra bedrooms, and the first floor was mostly an open living area with a luxurious kitchen and pantry to the right and an olympic sized pool, with half under the building and the other half exposed under the sun. She then walked through the marbled floors, guiding everyone to the garden. Like the resort, there were hedges that separated the grass from the sandy beach. Tall trees, among them were cherry blossoms, were lined along the walls and varieties of bushes and shrubs grew beneath them.

“This area is a blank canvas for you, [Y/N].” Eunyeong puts a hand on your shoulder, gesturing to the wide space of grass in front of them. “Tell me what the color scheme is and I’ll have the perfect flowers ordered so they’ll be ready by the wedding.”

“Pink and gray, but I’m still on the fence about it.”

“Don’t worry, dear, I’ll take care of it. I have a few ideas already.” Jaehyun’s mom assures you, opening the iPad she had and taking a picture of the landscape. “And if you’re still unsure, then it’s fine. We have months to go.”

A ringtone erupts from behind you and Minkyung exclaims, “Oh, [Y/N]! Jaehyun is calling!”

You had almost forgotten she had your phone, thanking her as she hands you the phone and you take a few steps away from them to answer the call. “Babe?”

“Hi, baby. Just thought I’d check up on you.”

“I’m alright. I was going to send you pictures so you can help me decide but,” You paused; staring at the open garden. Eunyong was right, it was like a blank canvas. You weren’t able to visualize it awhile ago, but now that you’re hearing Jaehyun’s voice, your mind just paints the picture in your head and it almost makes you tear up, “I think this is where I want to marry you.”

“Is it that beautiful?” There was that specific teasing tone in his voice that you would have rolled your eyes at, but instead you let yourself chuckle, eyes still fixated forward; taking notice of the waves past the green hedges.

“It’s perfect.”

After meeting with Eunyong and having a meal there, they return back to the resort where the mothers spent most of their day at the spa, while the quote-unquote younger generation lounged by the pool to get a tan. Yebin and Minkyung tried to plan a bachelorette party, but you turned them down, not wanting one at all. They all met up again for dinner, enjoying the 5-course meal by the window that opened up to the beach. Minkyung and Yebin fill the silence with stories from their work; Minkyung shares some runway mishaps and minor wardrobe malfunctions she’s had and Yebin tells them about the business ventures she’s been tackling. When it came to you, you expressed your concerns about starting your own company, adding the fact it stemmed from Jaehyun’s wishes for you to stay at home instead. You couldn’t help but catch the disappointed and worried look on his mother’s face before she covered it up by drinking her glass of wine.

When they all retreat into their suite, Jaehyun’s mom opted to head out to the balcony and sit out there. You hadn’t paid much attention to it, going to your room to get ready for bed, but when you’ve done your nightly routine and talked a bit with Jaehyun on the phone, you stared up at the ceiling, unable to fall asleep. You slipped out of your room, thinking Jaehyun’s mom must have gone to bed, until you were proven wrong as you see her still seated outside holding herself from the cold, night air. Grabbing a spare blanket from the cabinets, you walked over to her and put it over her shoulders.

“Mrs. Jung, you’ll get sick.” You quietly said, taking a seat on the adjacent chair.

“Oh, sweetheart, you’re marrying my son. You can call me mom or mother now.” She softly chuckles, “And I hadn’t realized that I’ve been out here for too long. I just remembered something, that’s all.”

“If you’d like, you could talk about it to me.” You offered, folding your hands over your lap, “I’ve learned the hard way that it’s not best to go to sleep with a heavy heart.”

“It’s nothing, dear, you don’t have to worry.” She looks over to the dark abyss of the night sea, unable to see the waves crashing into the shore despite hearing them clear as day. Every now and then an owl hoots somewhere in the trees. She looks back at you with a smile, eyes tired from the day’s activities, “How about you, dear? It seems like you can’t sleep either.”

You wanted to tell her everything; from what Jaehyun had done in college to the current issue at hand. This woman is going to be your in-law, yet she’d been acting like your second mother since you’ve met her. A part of you always feared she’d be wicked and mean towards you, but all those thoughts were thrown out the window once you got to know her more.

“I…” You started off, and her perfect brow just lifted up ever so slightly, “I know about Jaehyun’s disorder; the BPD.”

In an instant, there was shock in her eyes as if she had heard you wrong, but then it morphed into something similar to fear. “Oh. H-how did…?”

So you told her everything you could in the steadiest voice you can muster; from the incident in college, to the therapy sessions, to the threats against you, you told her everything and it amazes you that you were able to admit it without crying. You’re not going to lie; telling someone else felt relieving, especially since it’s someone who knows Jaehyun — literally raised him. You only stopped when you noticed her eyes tearing up and you internally panicked.

“You know about my son’s condition?” Her lips quivered, brows finally burrowed and a hand flies over her mouth to contain her sob.

“M-mother…” You stuttered, holding your hands out to her. “I— no matter what happens, I’m not going to tell anyone else about it, I promise—”

“Oh, sweetheart,” She quietly cries, “All these years, I’ve feared my son won’t be able to find someone to love and understand him. [Y/N], you’re godsent. You know what goes through his head… he’s shown you what he could do… yet you stayed? You still want to marry him?”

This makes you tear up, somewhat understanding the fear of a mother for their child. “I’ve thought about it for so long honestly, but no matter what excuses I come up with, I can’t imagine a future without him.”

She cries a little harder, hiding her face into her palms. You move to sit beside her, putting an arm around her and hugging her gently. After a while, you pull away and she looks at you with a smile. “Thank you for loving my son.”

“Thank you for giving birth to him.”

This makes both of you laugh as she pulls you into a hug, “[Y/N], sweetheart, if ever his BPD acts up, if he ever scares you again, please come to me, okay?”

You replied with a promise, hugging back and feeling your eyes stinging at the sudden weight being lifted over your chest.

“Now,” She says, pulling away and holding onto your shoulders, “Tell me more about these threats. I can’t believe Jaehyun wouldn’t tell us about it.”

“He probably thinks he has it under control and I trust him. We don’t want any of you to worry.”

“That’s nonsense! We’re your parents, we’re always worried about you.” She scolds, “But knowing Jaehyun, he probably has done the most he can do. I’m sure this issue will be resolved soon… and I’m sorry for the things Jaehyun has done in the past. I wish I could say I would have done something to stop him, but his father—”

She stops mid-sentence, lashes fluttering as she realizes the words that were about to come out of her mouth. She inhales deeply, “You’re marrying into the family. You have the right to know. Most of the Jungs have BPD; it’s horrible that it’s genetic, but with proper therapy it would mean nothing.”

You licked your lips, already knowing this fact. “So… Jaehyun’s father…”

“His father and I were arranged to be married. It made sense because our parents were business partners so we didn’t have any qualms on it, his father was quite handsome — I’d have to admit that Jaehyun is practically the carbon copy of him now. But then eventually, I learned that his father had personally requested to have us arranged. When I confronted him about it, he chalked it up to him liking me but being shy around me. He first showed me his true colors when he demanded me to quit my work; I’m an event planner, I travel all around the country for my work if needed and he didn’t like that. He accused me of cheating and such, which were all false of course, but he just couldn’t believe it. He started getting angry, very vocal, never laid a hand on me though, but I still got scared. It was when we found out that I was pregnant with Jaehyun that he finally told me everything about him, how he was scared he’d inherit it. That was the first time I’ve seen him so vulnerable and raw. It was then I decided to obey him and quit my job.”

“I thought you left your job to take care of Jaehyun.”

“No,” She sighs, “I left my job because his father told me to.”

“I’m sorry, baby.”

You smiled, although your brows were furrowed. It was Monday morning and you were preparing lunch since Kyungwon was coming over to work things out for Yuta’s apartment. Jaehyun was supposed to arrive later that evening until you received a call from him and put him on speaker.

“Jaehyun, it’s fine. I understand. Work is work. Do what you have to do.” But you have to admit you’re a little disappointed his trip had to be extended for a few more days since he had to go to China to meet up with Sicheng.

“I’ll make it up to you.”

“You don’t have to. Just stay safe, okay?” You silently hissed when you accidentally touched the metal knob of the pot lid. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. Tell Kyungwon I said hi.”

“Okay. Bye, baby.” You glanced over to your phone and waited for him to drop the call before checking the penne pasta you’ve been boiling. Kyungwon had originally told you to come to the office, but you insisted she came over instead and she had no qualms about it. You’ve already laid out your laptop and papers on half of the dining table so you two could get things done quickly.

She arrives a little past twelve since she came from the office and right off the bat, you could tell something was off with her. She was still her bubbly self, but something wasn’t right. You couldn’t question her about it because she commented about being hungry and it would be rude to keep your guest waiting for food.

“Oh my god! So you’ve chosen a wedding location already? Ah! [Y/N], I’m so excited for you!” She squeals, vibrating in her seat so hard that the pasta she’s stabbed through her fork has fallen back onto the plate. “And a spring wedding? Gosh! It’s going to be beautiful.”

“Enough about me, Kyung. How about you? What’s been going on back at the office? Are the old employees back?”

“Yes. Ugh! Somehow they got it into their heads that they’re so great because they got rehired by the company.” She scowls, rolling her eyes and shoving pasta into her mouth. “But aside from that, it's the same old, same old. Oh! Eunbi from finance is pregnant with her rebound.”

“Rebound? She broke up with her boyfriend?”

Kyungwon shakes her head with a smug look on her face, “No, honey, her boyfriend dumped her last month.”

“Oh my god, is the rebound going to take responsibility?”

“It looks like it. She’s a lot happier — and good for her! Her ex was rude whenever he got invited to any of our hangouts.”

You nod your head, picking up your glass of water, “So how about you? Have you gotten laid yet?”

She uncharacteristically falls silent, eyebrows shooting up to her forehead as she avoids your gaze momentarily until she snaps it back to meet your stare. In one breath, she says: “Okay, don’t be mad but I slept with Yuta.”

You pushed your chair back, trying to hold yourself back from spitting the water you had just drank. After forcefully swallowing, you breathed in deeply and looked back at Kyungwon, who now covered her blushing face with her hands. “Whoa.”

“You said it was okay!”

“I’m not scolding you!”

She threw herself back on the seat and whined, “I’ve kept this secret for so long since I can’t blab about it back in the office. Oh, [Y/N], he’s a fucking god.”

You pursed your lips, “I don’t think I need to know the details about my client’s sex life.”

“Okay, but he’s a fucking god.”

You laughed, shaking your head in disbelief. “It’s either that’s true or you’ve been out of the game for too long.”

“Please. None of my exes can compare to what that man did to me.” Her dreamy smile slowly falls, “But we made it strictly physical and he seems pretty closed off, too.”

“Wait, it wasn’t just a one night stand?”

She flicks her hair off her shoulder and clicks her tongue, “I guess he’s lonely, too.”

“But good for you, Kyungwon. At least you’re getting laid.”

“Why do you sound like you’re not getting laid? You’re getting married to a Greek god.”

“It’s not that.” You laughed, “Did it sound like that? It’s just because he’s overseas at the moment and I’m feeling lonely.”

Kyungwon snorts, side-eyeing you as she takes a drink from her glass. “Honey, don’t tell me you solely depend on Jaehyun to get off.”

“I—” You feel your face heat up. Come to think of it, you haven’t masturbated in a while. You’ve touched yourself, but those were in front of him and he’d never let you come undone with your fingers alone. “Well, no, I don’t. I can do it on my own, but it’s just not gratifying.”

“Is it bad that I’m curious what he’s like in bed?”

“Only if you try to find out.”

“God, no, of course not.” She recoils, “Just one of the many curiosities I have that I won’t act on. This thing with Yuta is a weekly thing, you know. Unless he calls me.”

You finish your meal, “You’re a booty call.”

“I’d do anything for that dick.”

“Hey, he’s our client, remember. Don’t get hypnotized by the dick.”

“Oh, [Y/N], if you only knew.” She lets out a dreamy sigh and you laugh, throwing your napkin at her.

“I don’t plan to. Get your head out of his pants, we have to work on his apartment.”

After putting away your dishes, you and Kyungwon began to work; making final checks for orders and deliveries, browsing for more design pieces, and the likes. It took longer than you two expected, extending up two hours than what you had originally planned. You finally decided to stop when you spy from the corner of your eye Kyungwon stifling a yawn, uploading all your work onto the shared drive between the three of you before stretching your arms upwards.

“Are you hungry?”

“Please tell me you have some good ol’ ramen in your pantry.”

You scoffed, “Of course, I do. I’ll go make some right now.”

You have the ramen cooked and ready for consumption in no time; each of you had a full bowl with a few side dishes you were able to put together while the water boiled. Instead of work, you and Kyungwon talked about your new house; told her about the materials you wanted, your plans for each room, the layout, and she even offered her own insight that you considered.

“4 bedrooms on the second floor?”

“Well, 3 bedrooms and the nursery. The fourth room will be turned to a walk-in closet for me and Jaehyun to share.”

“Oh my god, that would be a dream to design!”

You purse your lips, “Well, the two extra rooms are for our future kids. I’m sure they’ll want to renovate as they grow older. Would you like to work on their rooms when the time comes?”

She fakes a gasp, covering her mouth, “I would be honored! But gosh, when’s this happening? In 20 years?”

Both of you laugh as you finish your noodles. Kyungwon offered to do the dishes, but you refused, and fortunately, she received a call from a different client that forced her to leave. She thanked you for the day and you walked to the door, where both of you were surprised to see Hyunwoo about to ring the bell.

“Good evening, ma’am. These came in for you.” He smiles, holding out the flowers and teddy bear.

“Oh, thank you.” You glanced at Kyungwon, showing your confusion at the situation.

“I’m totally not jealous that your fiance sent you apology gifts for not coming home today.” She shrugs her shoulders, feeling the teddy bear’s ear between her fingertips. “But I’m oddly really happy for you. See you soon, [Y/N].”

You kiss her cheek and wave her goodbye, “See you, Kyungwon.”

After they leave, you heaved a sigh and inspected the gifts. Red roses, like always, and a pretty hefty teddy bear. You thought it was odd, but Jaehyun has his cheesy moments, excusing the teddy bear as a stand in for himself so you won’t get lonely until he gets home. You walk back to the dining table to put the gifts down and pick up your phone, dialling his number to thank him, but the call wouldn’t connect. He’s either on the plane already or he doesn’t have a signal. Instead, you put the flowers in a vase and placed it on the dining table as a centerpiece.

Before having a late dinner of some scrambled eggs and spam, you worked on both the interior of the mansion and looking for a wedding gown inspo. Sooyeon told you to prepare what you had in mind for a wedding gown and she’ll hook you up with any of the top wedding dress designers in the industry. You’re torn between empire and A-line dresses, liking both fits on your body but couldn’t decide which is better for the theme. You also didn’t know if you wanted lace or tulle, what type of neckline, the accents, etc. All the dresses looked so good and you already know not to bring it up to Jaehyun because he’ll make some bullshit excuse to buy all of them. Although you don’t mind having different dresses; like changing into something more simple for the reception. You were also concerned about what shoes to wear since it’s a garden wedding, you wouldn’t be able to wear heels that you would have preferred.

You have a shower before heading to bed, taking your time in lathering your body with lavender-scented body wash to help you relax. After breezing through your nighttime routine, you walked out to the bed while tugging your hair loose from the haphazardly tied bun you put in. Seeing the empty bed reminded you of the teddy bear you had received earlier and you quickly went out of the room to grab it on the dining table to retrieve it. You weren’t really going to sleep with it, but you’d like to put it on the accent chair you had on the opposite side of the room.

Your phone rings just as you were about to put on some lotion and you smile to yourself seeing Jaehyun’s name. You put him on loudspeaker, “Hi, baby.”

“Hi, baby.” His voice drawls, “Sorry I couldn’t pick up earlier. I was on the plane and I couldn’t get to you when I landed because Sicheng and his friends took me to a bar.”

“Jaehyun, baby, are you drunk right now?”

“No, baby, just a little tipsy. Did you get my little gift? Toss the old flowers out.”

“You didn’t have to, but thanks.” You hummed, unscrewing the cap of your favorite body butter tin. “Where are you now?”

“Don’t worry, I’m already at my hotel room. I wanted to hear your voice before I go to sleep.”

“I miss you.”

“I miss you, too.” He pauses on the other side of the line and you hear what sounded like him getting into bed, “Were you about to go to sleep, too?”

“Yeah, I’m just putting lotion on.”

A long, low moan echoes from your phone and you halt your movements. A tipsy, lonely Jaehyun could only mean one thing.

“Baby, can we video call?”

The next two days were uneventful; you visited the mansion to oversee the renovations being done and was pleased to see it going smoothly as it was exactly as you envisioned it. Other than that, you also spent a lot of time going through IKEA and other home decor stores, picking out possible pieces you’d purchase. It’s still a stressful thought to think you have an entire mansion to design AND you get to live in it. Whenever you had clients for projects like these, you always mused to yourself how you would like it if you were the one living in the said space but now that the time has come, you’re overwhelmed.

Just as you got home, you get a call from Jaehyun.

“Hi, baby.”

“Hey. I just got home.” You closed the door and locked it, while kicking your shoes off.

“Oh, good. Could you do me a favor? There’s an important file on my computer that I forgot to upload to the drive. Do you mind sending it to Sicheng using my email?”

“Sure, which file is it?”

As Jaehyun explains the file to you, you made your way to his office and flipped the light switch on. Plopping yourself down on his chair, you powered up his computer and waited for it to start. Meanwhile, you two updated each other of your days and plans for tomorrow.

“Okay, I found the file. What’s Sicheng’s email?” You typed in the address after Jaehyun dictates and clicked send. “Done! Is there anything else I can do for you, sir?”

Jaehyun chuckles, whispering into the phone, “You can be ready in bed when I come home on Friday.”

“Alright, sir.” You purred, leaning back on his chair. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. See you on Friday.”

After hanging up, you reach for the mouse to turn the computer off until your eyes gloss over the name ‘Jeong Yoonoh’ as one of the names listed in Jaehyun’s mailboxes. You remember seeing it a few weeks ago and it completely left your mind, but now you’re curious about it. Your bottom lip is caught between your teeth; it’s wrong to snoop around Jaehyun’s email like this, but you give into temptation anyway.

A relieved and incredulous sigh leaves you when you spot the prominent subject and sender, even letting out a little chuckle when you see the dates of the emails. This was Jaehyun’s burner email for porn sites back when he was in high school. You wanted to tease him about it so badly, but then you had to tell him that you were snooping around in his computer. Other emails looked like spam that came with signing up for the porn sites so you didn’t pay much attention since most of them involved viagra, online dating, and the likes. You were about to click out to hide evidence of your snooping around until you read the sender’s name: Detective Go Hyunmo of Gangnam P.I. Agency. You thought it was odd, but maybe it was spam like the rest, unless this email got caught accessing porn sites. It didn’t have a subject so you couldn’t really tell, but you still didn't open it and closed the computer after clicking out of the browser. As you switched the lights off and closed Jaehyun’s office door behind you, you can’t help but feel like you’ve heard Gangnam P.I. Agency before.

Jaehyun comes home today and you feel like a child waiting for their parents who’d been away for too long. He said he’ll be dropping some documents at the office and will be home after lunch. As he requested two days ago, you were going to be ready in bed for him when he returns and that means a tedious DIY spa session after you had breakfast. Once you were showered, exfoliated, and moisturized, you put on the new lingerie set you bought yesterday; a black sheer bra that had crocheted flowers and matching crotchless panties that had a string of pearls that ran right over your slit. It felt incredibly embarrassing when you tried it on, especially when the pearls move along your clit every time you moved.

“Honey, I’m home!” You hear outside the room just before the door closes. You booked out of the walk-in closet and ran, as quietly as you can, back into the bedroom, sparing a glance down the hallway to make sure Jaehyun doesn’t catch you. You ungracefully flung yourself to the bed, scrambling to find a position to present yourself to him, but you accidentally elbowed your phone off and it makes a loud thud on the floor.

“[Y/N]?”

Cussing under your breath, you stretch your arm out to grab your phone to put on the nightstand but then you hear a long whistle that makes you drop it again. You whipped your attention to Jaehyun, who now stood at the door frame with the first few buttons of his dress shirt already undone, and you smiled, “Welcome home?”

“Wow.” He drawls, dragging his eyes down your body, “When I said be ready for me, you really took it a step further. Is that new?”

“I got it yesterday.” You leaned back on your arms, folding your legs a little, “It’s a little more special than the others.”

“How so?” He takes slow steps towards you, tossing his blazer off.

Peeling your legs apart, you spread them out for him to see just what you were talking. You feel heat rising to your cheeks as Jaehyun’s eyes stared at your pearls and his tongue just darted out of his lips. An easy smile grows on his face, walking up to the bed and running a hand over your inner thigh.

“Damn, I didn’t know pearls looked good on you.” He runs a finger over the shiny beads, “But nothing can compare to my favorite pearl.”

Pushing the pearls aside, he presses your clit with his thumb and your hips instinctively buck upwards to meet his touch. He keeps his thumb on your clit while he runs two fingers between your pussy in a languid manner.

“You look so good, baby.” Jaehyun leans down to kiss the spot above your navel. “I hope you’re ready for me.”

“Always.”

He pulls away to remove his belt and as he does so, his eyes flutter to the other side of the room and he cocks his head, “You bought a teddy bear? Were you that lonely when I was gone?”

“What?” You sit up, glancing at the stuffed toy, “You got me that. It came with the roses.”

Jaehyun looks back at you, face completely stoic, before stepping away to walk over to the item in question.

“Jaehyun?”

He picks the toy up and inspects it, turning it over a few times until he squints at the bear’s beady eyes. A low growl escapes him as he closes his fist around the toy’s head and rips it away from the body, the distinct sound of thread snapping and cloth ripping filling the silence of the room.

“Jaehyun, what the fuck?” You scoot over the edge of the bed, ready to stop him until he swiftly turns back to you. His expression sends shivers down your spine; you’ve seen that look before and you can’t believe you’re seeing it again.

“I never gave you this fucking bear, [Y/N].” He hurls the decapitated head to the side with so much force that the cotton filled toy makes a resounding thud against the wall. He forces his hand inside the bear’s head and takes out a small black cube. “There’s a fucking camera in it’s head. Who handed these to you?”

“H-Hyunwoo did… Wait, Jaehyun, can we—”

He slams the camera onto the floor, breaking it into pieces, before storming out the bedroom. You were frozen from flinching at his outburst that it took you awhile to collect yourself, scrambling off the bed to grab his discarded blazer and running out after him.

“Jae, wait!” You yelled, slipping his jacket on and clutching it close over your chest.

“Hyunwoo, did the flowers I had delivered here last Monday come with a teddy bear?” Jaehyun was on his phone, pacing by the couch. “It came separately? Which came first? The flowers? Fucking— go find out who delivered them and report back to me ASAP.”

He ends the call and angrily throws his cellphone to the floor, rubbing his forehead with his fingers.

“Baby…” You silently gulped, approaching him cautiously; you don’t know what to say, however, completely at a loss for words at the revelation. “What’s happening?”

Jaehyun still doesn’t look at you when he tears his hand away and puts them to his hips, glaring down at wilting begonias. In a split second, he grabs the pot and hurls it across the room; shards of clay, dirt, leaves, and petals exploding against the wall. You gasped, instinctively hugging yourself to block off any debris in case it reached you.

“Jaehyun, what the fuck?!”

“I didn’t give you that damn plant and I didn’t give you that fucking bear either!” He yelled, nose flaring and veins popping out of his neck. “I don’t know who the fuck this shithead is, but I’m going find and kill him.”

He starts walking to the front door with wide steps, fixing the belt he had previously undone.

“Jaehyun, wait!” Your chest clenches in panic, “Jaehyun!”

When he was a few more paces away from the door, you gave one last scream of his name; you’re sure your neighbors heard you and are a phone call away from the police if they also heard the things Jaehyun had thrown around. He looks back at you, still visibly infuriated at the situation, but his expression softens into concern when he sees your face.

You don’t know when you started crying, but you were suddenly aware of it when a few tears dropped onto your hand that still clutched onto his blazer. “Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t the one who gave the begonias?”

“I—I didn’t want you to panic…” He licks his lips, fully turning his body to face you.

“A-and now… and now w-we just found out that I was being… being secretly recorded for—for d-days,” Your vision starts to blur as fresh tears spring from your eyes, “And you’re just going to leave — again?”

He looks absolutely crushed to see you like this, “Y-you’re right. I’m sorry — no, okay, I won’t leave, come here.”

He wraps his arms around you, squeezing you tight and repeatedly kissing the top of your head while you hide your face in his chest to sob.

“What do they want with me?”

“No, I don’t think they’re after you, baby.” Jaehyun whispers, still kissing your hair while running his hand down your back to console you. “I think they’re after me.”

This doesn’t make you feel any better. You cry a little harder, body shaking in his hold as you looped your arms around his waist. Jaehyun’s enemies are your enemies, if he truly had any. This should have been common knowledge to you already. It’s no secret how important you are to him and it only makes sense that they’ll pick on you to get to him. You’ve already handled the demon in his mind; you’ve learned to accept it. Dealing with someone — an actual human being — from Jaehyun’s world is wading through murky waters. You’re either the target or the bait, and it’s upsetting to think that whichever you’re treated as, someone’s going to get hurt. No, there’s this horrible gut feeling, a nagging voice in the back of your head, that just tells you that chances are…

Someone’s going to die.

a/n: it’s a little shorter again, but we’re getting closer and closer to the climax and aaaaaah the trailer drop!!!!! like always, please please please let me know what you guys think here

next: part 11

~ buy me a peach? why?

#nct smut #nct scenarios #jaehyun smut #jaehyun scenarios #devoted au

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smittenswithmittens · 4 years ago

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Eating disorder doesn't automatically equal skinny.

I have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder. But I have always had a strange love/hate relationship with food. With BPD, it's all or nothing. Love/hate. Fat/thin.

As I child, I was healthy. I was very athletic and had a six pack at the age of eight. As a teenager, I was average; around a UK size 10. Before I was diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar Disorder, I was a size 8.

Now I am thirty-one, and a UK size 14. I have been on medication for several years that can cause weight gain. Many people have made statements like 'you've let yourself go' or 'you looked better before'. People have been so offended by my weight, that they have told me to stop taking my medication (which basically keeps me sane) so that I can once again be a fit, skinny girl. I'd like to address this.

Why does weight have to be an issue? Yeah, fair enough, nobody wants to be the girl who needs a crane to get out of bed in the morning. Nobody wants to be called 'the fat girl'. But, since when did weight equal worth?

I always thought I was above the media's attempts to put my body to shame. I thought 'I really don't care if I weigh seven stone and do 1000 situps a day'. But in hindsight, I realised I was worrying about my weight and looks as far back as I can remember. My dad would often call my mother fat, and it was instilled into my mind that fat=lazy. Fat=unhealthy. Fat=monster. Fat=ugly.

A few years ago, I lost a lot of weight. I wasn't eating, and would feel sick at the thought of food. I would dread family meals, thinking that they would judge me if I ate too much. I would lie about eating. I would weigh myself every time I went to the bathroom, and would cry if I hadn't lost weight. When I looked in the mirror, I saw fat and ugliness. I saw disgust. I saw hate. I weighed just under eight stone and was passing out whenever I went anywhere, but everyone said I looked great. Skinny=attractive. Skinny=fit. Skinny=worthy. Everything I did or said revolved around being thin.

When I started a new medication and began to feel better, I gained weight. I started eating better and focussing on improving myself. I felt better, but other people around me would comment on the fact that I had gained weight. They would laugh and point at my stomach, saying 'someone's been eating more!'.

It turned into a vicious cycle. One month I would starve myself, then the following month I would eat crisps constantly and cry as I ate bread from the bag. And as my mental health got worse, the more my medication was increased, and the more my weight fluctuated. People would love to give their opinions on my body, whether I wanted them to or not. It's easy to assume that somebody is doing fine if they look thin and attractive as opposed to chubby and tired.

But skinny doesn't equal fine. Skinny doesn't equal positive. Skinny is an idea.

Last year, I was still struggling with my mental health but also battling my weight gain. I went up to twelve stone and would cry whenever I saw a picture of myself. People would say things like 'you look well', which obviously seemed to me a nice way of telling me I look like a massive, fat, monster. I would constantly search for images online of attractive, 'bigger' women; hoping that it would somehow encourage me to embrace my new curves. But I never felt like I could compare to them, because my curves weren't sexy or unique; I just looked fat and unhealthy.

Towards the end of last year, I went back down to ten stone by giving up eating. It was a form of self-harm, I suppose. I would go days without eating and felt sick anytime I did eat. I would look in the fridge, and feel ashamed for feeling hungry. I am still struggling...

Whenever I have spoken to a doctor about my problems with food and body-image, they have told me I'm not thin enough to worry about it. One doctor said to me, 'it's good for you to worry about food; you're not exactly skinny.' He was right, but it felt like a kick in the stomach. I desperately wished I had the drive to become a 'proper' anorexic. I envied those skeletal models in magazines and would fantasize about starving myself to death. I yearned for somebody to notice me and say 'you have a problem'. Because it was literally eating me up from the inside. All I thought about was food and weight and how everyone would perceive me if I lost or gained a few pounds. I would cancel plans because I felt like I was too unattractive to leave the house. It made me so upset that everyone seemingly thought I was eating a lot and pigging out, when I barely ate one meal a day.

I feel guilty for posting this. Maybe because I know that my weight isn't a serious problem, like the doctor said. Maybe because people have tried to help; saying 'if it makes you so unhappy, why don't you come off the medication and get thin again?'. 'Why don't you join the gym with me?!'.

But, no. I don't want to join the gym with you. My anxiety is bad enough as it is without feeling on parade in a big room full of thinner, fitter people than myself. I have been a gym-goer in the past and everyone thought I was SO attractive, but was I happy? No. I felt exactly the same at eight stone as I do at ten stone. I have ALWAYS felt overweight and unworthy. I have always felt unattractive.

My aim this year, I've decided, isn't to reach a goal weight. It isn't to get fit and healthy. It's to be kinder to myself. That doesn't mean 'eat all the fucking doughnuts and watch TV'. But it also doesn't mean 'starve yourself and run 10k every morning'. It's all about balance and moderation. Maybe in a couple of months, I will receive a giant serotonin boost and will gleefully skip to the gym and feel like a fucking princess. Maybe I won't. But the fact is; I can do whatever I want. It's nobody else's business if I'm a size 14 or a size 10. The medication I take does increase chances of weight gain; but I want to accept that instead of constantly blaming myself and feeling worthless every time I look in the mirror.

I guess the direction I'm trying to take with this post, is that low self-esteem and self-worth will affect many aspects of your life. And not everyone will approve. But you need to consider what is best for you, personally; not them. Who gives a fuck if you eat all the doughnuts? If you're struggling as much as I do with my mental health, a doughnut is the least of your worries. If you swing the other way and would rather go to the gym and get fit; them that's also fine. But please, be kind to yourself, in whatever you do. I think we all need a reminder sometimes that our short lives on this earth are a somewhat gift, and that, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter how other people perceive you.

Weight doesn't equal worth. Looks don't equal worth. Worth comes from self-respect, and respect for others around you. Worth comes from eating the fucking doughnuts if you're hungry. Worth is gained by not going round killing kittens and stealing babies from their cribs; not by fitting into that size 6 Topshop playsuit that you saw in last week's Cosmo. You are not a dress-up Barbie doll; you are a human being. And you are beautiful. And even if you are overweight, or slightly fat or generally unattractive physically, at least you don't kill kittens; you're better than that. And there's worth there.

I'm drunk and it's 3:30am. I'm going to go and eat a doughnut and not worry about how I look for the next few hours. I suggest you do the same.

Much love, Samantha.

#mentalstrength #mental disorder #mental health #positive blog #anorexia #bulimic #bpd stuff #actually bpd #bpd #bpd problems #bpd blog #living with bpd #bipolar #im drunk #thoughts #healthy eating #food #eatingdisorder

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thesadmom-blog · 6 years ago

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Guilty Mom

I thought for sure something was wrong with me.. Parents always deny it, but.. It cant JUST be me right..? I literally had to google “Do parents have favorites?” Apparently, while unspoken, yeah... they do. I do. I read that even young children can distinguish who the favorite is too.. I’m filled with guilt. I never want my children to feel as if I love one more than the other.. I have to admit though that while I do love all three of my children equally.. I have a special bond with my son. Not only is he my only boy, he is my youngest.. and quite possibly my last. While I say this I remember I have always had a sort of disconnect with my oldest daughter, mostly because I suffered from severe PPD after she was born and she lives elsewhere which I will explain in another post. My middle child however was my best friend before my son was born. She was with me through thick and thin. This beautiful little baby girl with a smile that could heal any broken heart. She really saved my life (again Ill explain in another post) My middle child was my everything.. However as she got older and I gave birth to my son, thing changed. I again suffered from PPD except this time I felt like everything outside of my son was....wrong..? I was unsatisfied and depressed about everything outside of this baby boy.. My daughter and I grew apart and now we constantly argue, butt heads, and she pushes all of my buttons.. I cant help but feel like its my fault though and so badly I want things to be different. My son is just so sweet, sensitive, and really just a good boy. He isn't the typical boy.. He listens, cleans up after himself, hes fairly quiet.. and he loves his mama.. We actually are waiting to see what his test results look like, we have an appt set up to see if he is on the spectrum. He will be 3 in 2 months and is EXTREMELY smart.. but he is for the most part non verbal.. He is my special boy.. I love him to death and the way he is attached to me and the amount of love this baby boy has for me.. I feel so guilty because being someone who suffers from depression, anxiety/PTSD, and BPD I know that the ONLY reason I’m still here is because of him. That's sounds ok, till the rest of the truth is told.. I live for him and not for my other two children.. that sounds awful.. but I just mean it as while I know my other two children need their mother, will miss me, and love me.. They would be ok without me.. My son would not. I am his person.. There is no other person my son would rather be with than me, he cries when I leave him, and he lights up when I return.. My girls however would much rather be with Daddy or grandma, They hardly notice when I leave, and when I return its just like Hey mom, whatdya get me?! …I feel so fucking sad that I feel this way.. but I really cant be the only one.. I feel like a terrible mother and so badly I want to fix things.. I don't want my children to resent me or my son or to see the favoritism.. I feel wired wrong. I just want to be a good mother to all my kids and not only feel loved by one..

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duchessofostergotlands · 6 years ago

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Hi! I read about you considering to have third tattoo, I wonder whether you’ve shared the story of the first two tattoos? Just curious :D

Hello :) Of course, I don’t mind. Both of them have had significant meaning in my life.

Tattoo 1 which I got in 2013. It says La Plus Heureuse. It means the most happy in French. The Most Happy was my baby girl Anne Boleyn’s motto and she lived in France and was known to bear a strong love for the country so I had it in French. I got it when I started therapy. I’d been thinking about it for around 3 years but it just kept getting delayed and then when I started therapy I wanted to get a permanent reminder of that moment in my life. Anne Boleyn’s story has fascinated me since I was around 4/5 so I knew this was something I wouldn’t regret:

Then in 2014/2015 (I can’t remember which one) I got this tattoo. It was meant to be a reminder of my feminism. Feminism saved my life. It made me value myself as a person independently of how men felt about me. It gave me self esteem for the first time. It made me realise that I deserved to take up space. It’s an important guiding principle of my life and I wanted to make that a permanent part of my life

My third tattoo that I would like is another quote. It’s from a poem by Warsan Shire, a Somali-British poet who is best known for having her work featured in Lemonade. She wrote this poem which I felt such a connection with and I felt like it spoke to my experiences with BPD. The poem is For Women Who are Difficult to Love and I feel such resonance with it:

you are terrifying

and strange and beautiful

something not everyone knows how to love

#non royal #personal #tattoos #warsan shire #feminism #anne boleyn #anon #ask

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loghainmactir · 6 years ago

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For the OC asks: 1, 6, 12, 14, 18, 21, 28 :)

there r so many here 😱😱😱 thank u sm…. i love love love love talking abt my OCs but i can never do it unless someone prompts me and this one is gonna get LONG so buckle in kids!!! (I’m also on mobile, so the questions have been shortened bc I just wrote ‘em down before I got into bed I’m sorry 😭) I’m also going to do 6 as a whole seperate post bc I wanna talk a little about my D&D world, tbh!

1. Three useless facts about your favourite OC.

I can’t 100% choose a favourite OC (… ok its Padril) so! I’m gonna do one useless facts for three characters:

A) Padril once tricked Tamlen as a kid into believing he’d gotten his hand bitten off by the Dread Wolf by sucking it into his shirt and wailing. The clan was not impressed, lmao.

B) Braewyn and her twin, Bradley, often binge-watch Golden Girls when they’re together and have free time

C) Irving owns a set of dragonbone dice and he has no idea how to play dice games. Like, none.

12. Favourite relationship between OCs?

I’ve done this already BUT… my other favourite relationship is between my character, Leon, and his daughter, Jordan, who’s a teenager.

Leon’s essentially got the role of Cullen for modern-day Inquisition mixed w some Leliana stuff, but he’s the one who trains everyone and orders about spies/troops. He’s an incredibly thoughtful and kindhearted guy, though a bit married to his work and sometimes it’s difficult for him to remove himself from it.

BUT… Jordan is the apple of his eye and encourages him to go out and socialise and do things Not Involving Work. They were estranged for a bit bc his work’s dangerous, but now she’s older so they spend time together offen. Similarly, Leon tries to set a good example for her and tries to encourage self-love; Leon’s black, and so is Jordan, n he knows she’s been bullied before so he tries his hardest to encourage self love re: natural hair & dark skin & imperfections like scars (bc he has a lot himself) (He’s also so fuckin awkward lmfao, he tells so many dad jokes when they’re together)

14. Which OC is most like you?

Ok so I have two. Bradley and Raul: Bradley has always a LOT of my ADHD/BPD traits and shares a decent chunk of my trauma even before I knew about it all myself. He’s also bi like me n helped me realize I was, too. Bradley’s much older n more Out There than me, though, but he really is a comfort character in the sense that it’s kinda like “u can and will be ok, he was so u can b too”.

There’s also Raul, who’s like me personality-wise; he’s a smartass, a writer, a feminist, and he really just wants to help people. He’s also afraid of large bodies of open water (like me), and he’s fuzzy n chunky like me too. I swear to god he is his own OC though akgkakf

18. Favourite things to research about OCs?

I rarely research OC things anymore, tbh, unless I’m REALLY uneducated on topics that cannot Just Be Made Up (like Harry and his world— I haven’t researched shit for that, lmao). One OC I researched a tonne on was my OC, Anthony (who’s Bradley’s child). They’re nonbinary, so I spent hours researching what that meant and how to politely portray them… and then I realized I was trans through that. I love them bc of that.

21. Describe each OC as shittily as possible.

God, I won’t do All of them, but:

Padril: that friend from university who’s now dating a man twice their age and is an “artist” (though it’s not going anywhere)

Jakeem: Gaudy Local Man Can’t Stop Bringing Dead Dogs Back To Life; Click For The Full Story! (clicking requires u to sign up & give yr credit card details lmao)

Harry: (to the tune of Hit Me Baby One More Time) MY LOWER BACK / IS KILLING ME / AND I / I MUST CONFESS / SO ARE MY KNEES (are my knees!)

Irving: You Won’t Believe How Much This Bear Can Cry!

Braewyn: “Hehehe! Got your nose!”/“Got your wallet!”

28. If they had tumblrs, what kinds of blogs would they have?

Padril: aesthetic art/travel blog…. occasionally posts selfies of himself on Loghain’s lap. Extensive tagging. Hashtag nature, hashtag beautiful, hashtag art, hashtag daddy (HE WOULD THOUGH)

Harry: completely untagged personal blog. entirely in lower case. probably black w red font. lots of complaints, lots of depressing posts, the occasional COMPLETELY indecipherable meme reblogged by @ltsarahkerrigan’s eustace (occasionally he’d post selfies of them, too). Has, like, 3 followers lmao

Jakeem: fashion/dogblr blog. Has a decent amount of followers because he often posts outfit photoshoots, except most of the outfits are from KMart/Walmart and are cleverly disguised. Definitely gets called out on a regular basis. Basic tags, still gets a tonne of notes.

Irving: a mish-mash of fandom (at least, art, photosets and gifsets), photography, and recipes. Is That Person who always leaves actual comments on posts (and often they’re irrelevant) and uses tags but uses them all wrong (for example he does them in all caps and there’s never a break in them, like: YUM RECIPIE FOOD STEAK BACON VEGGIES). Probably shouldn’t be on tumblr but he’s enthusiastic about it at least!

#long post #the-dread-doggo #my writing #OC: Padril #OC: Harry #OC: Irving #OC: Braewyn #OC: Leon #OC: Bradley #i loved thinking about the tumblr blogs— I can see them so clearly akfkskd #(brae wouldn’t have one but she IS an instagram hoe tbh)

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neurodivergentchaosking · 3 years ago

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Loving someone with NPD

It fucking sucks! I have bpd and if i was completely untreated, i would have been narcissist chow...more than i already was.

I have pretty decent intuition but it took a long time for me to actually follow it. I met (lets call her Mary) before i listened to it and created a huge blindspot that took me 6 years to fix.

We both arrived on Okinawa Island 24 hours a part, we shared a name and a birthday ( naturally my dumb ass was like OMG SOULMATE- after i stopped hating her). when i first met her, i hated her. I knew she was two-faced and i said so to her face. Few drunken weekends set that unfortunate Trauma bond in place.

I felt so special. She's two-faced and cruel to everyone but ME. my BPD ate that shit up. she even told me that she thought i was the category of “bimbo friend” until she got to know me.....and i actually took that as a compliment and mentally lorded it over her bimbo friends. it was a disaster. love-bomb, cruelty, rinse, repeat.

We were just friends at first, she thought she was straight, and i thought i was a girl- neither are true. We kissed once in a drunken haze and it was absolutely terrible, so it really never happened again. you know justgirlythings.

I was quite notorious (just because im built like a coke bottle and was put into the marine barracks and you know how boot lickers be) on the island because the Navy is just high-school 2.0. Mary never had my back through it all, she stayed friends with the people who started it and she ditched me all the time at her convenience . I was only on the island for 6 months, and right when i almost cut things off with Mary, i left on an expedited transfer (another tragic story for another tragic time). We stayed in contact via snapchat but honestly we didnt talk much.

Her bf was a bit of a loser and she was planning to leave him while planning their life together...look at that, another red flag that i took as a compliment because she left him for ME. fuck im so needy #narcissistchow.

I made a joke about her living with me, and she just went full throttle with that shit. So we got an apartment together, twas the beginning of the end and i fucking KNEW IT. i felt it in my gut and i remember thinking...but she’s so mean sometimes... like whyyyyyy dont i just listen to me???? ug anyways

Right before we got the apartment she released my cat into the urban wilderness and he was GONE, presumed dead. Quinn, my beautiful fur-baby, a 13 lb maincoone, fucking HATED HER, and he only hated dicks. so yeah she got rid of him and blamed it on my husband (my life is complex okay). we were obviously not doing great and i didn't think about it too hard until later (even though he has never left the door open, like ever).

It started out so much fun! the adventures and stories that we created together were amazing. she made me feel like it would be like this forever. Bit short-lived. she would insult, demean, and play fucked up mind games. Luckily for me she didn't get to feed of my pain the way she wanted because i don't exibxit vulnerable emotions (working on that), despite them eating away at me.

Her toxicity mirrored the way i was treated as a child, so i did what i did as a child. i shut down. I stopped therapy because i was masking too hard for it be helpful. i stopped my medications because idk if they're working because I'm so disconnected. My ocd tendencies that i got rid of as a child came back. Im never not high on MJ (still am because i don't want to FEEL)

And you know why i stayed? because she made me feel special, and wanted, and even more so needed. She is so fucking insecure and i was a constant source of validation and love. we had conversations and conversations about how we were meant for one another and the future we would create together. We even talked about the children we would raise together. we talked about how it was weird that we didn't want to fuck each-other (she looks like an incest muppet lmao) but we were in a beautiful (toxic*) polyamorous asexual relationship.

i was def not perfect in the relationship. i would do so much petty shit (like i did as a child). she would make me feel shitty about something, so i would show off one of my many talents that also was one of her many insecurities. hell, i would fuck up her hair ON PURPOSE. She had this insanely long blue hair that ended in a short red Karen cut lmao i am such a fucking asshole lmao. no regerts

but like also lets not forget the times she literally threatened to murder me....just saying. i may have been a dick, but she DESERVED it.

She kept treating me like shit and i did the non-traditional BPD thing and started setting boundaries for myself. like when she starts being a jerk, just walk away. just leave. also make her jelly with something to feel better lol.obvi that made her MEANER. so i took her out to eat and told her that she was treating me like absolute shit and it needed to sop...she starts bawling...making up shit about how her anxiety this and that and she's not gonna stop being a cunt so shel just move out.

idk why i even tried after that lunch but like whatever. i even sold her my car at a discount price - but now she has the perma reminder lol. i tried. she kept changing the date of her leaving, she just got meaner, and what FINALLY made things click. was she started ditching me and lying about it ( i may have tested it out and made her confess to it without her knowing- she is incredibly stupid). that was the one thing. the one thing i told myself if someone does that to me again, im done. so heyyy at least i stuck to my boundary even though i almost talked myself out of it. so i simply stopped talking to her. for WEEKS. she tried to start conversation, i ended them. she insulted me and i would flip it on her. i was DONE and she knew it. so our 6 year relationship literally ended by me in person ghosting her.

Finally the lease was up and that kinda forced her stupid ass into moving, however. she like half left and half left her stuff. but she left ferret shit fucking everywhere. on the deck, in the closet, smooshed into carpet, random bits of poo strewn about the room. shes fucking Nasty. i cleaned up the ferret poops with her clothes that was left behing...and i rubbed it on EVERYTHING including her dishes. i broke a couple items (some on accident even). stole a bunch of stuff...even a dead mans gift...yeah im PETTY... but i stacked all of her shit at the enterence of the apartment.

Time for pickup! she allotted herself 1.5 hours to pack everything and go to her new apartment that is 45 plus mins away. she comes in- overly exaggerates on thanking me for stacking her shit by the entrance. i immediately ask for the keys ...says okay but then “got distracted”, we did that 3 times till she finally gave me the keys... then i told her about the ferret poo and she claimed that she was gonna clean it today...BITCH IT TOOK ME OVER 3 HOURS FOR THE POOP CLEANUP ALONE...so yeah fuck her.

later that day i hang out with my new friend, lets call her Anna, who is on Marys snapchat- while Mary was putting her stuff in storage (something she swore shed never do) she was saying how pissed she is and how horribly i am for stacking her shit at the entrance. glad to see she's as two-faced as ever.

POST BREAKUP DRAMA:

1) she tried to get rid of everything i gave her but she cant unbuy my car lmao.

2) she got stranded in Texas because she ran out of gas....even though the car tells you how many miles it has before it runs out...like i said, she incredibly stupid

3) she tried to slither in my life by sending a pic via snap to Anna and then said “oops my finger slipped” ummm its snapchat and thats not how it works stupid ( and this is one of her go to ploys so like lol why?) it was also a pic of a boot that she gave me but its ugly so i gave it back. idk what her whole plan was but it backfire because Anna just blocked her.

4) Quinn came back <3

5) i am obsessed and cant seem to stop stalking her so now imma try just being crazy in blog form to see if my needy bpd self can CHILL. cuz ug i just want to stab her...like 37 times...in the face (it would be an improvement)

#long reads #long story #abuse #narccisistabuse #bpd #npd #neurodivergent love #queer #lgbtqia #petty #younglove #mental illness #chaos #crazy

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querubinne · 7 years ago

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B1A4🌱Asks!!

I found these questions and I don’t really think I’d get any anons and I really want to answer them so I just will ok? ok.

Because B1A4 has a ton of good albums with a ton of good music to ask a ton of great questions!! Inspired by: x 🌱 Questions with an * are taken directly from this brilliant post.

Let’s Fly

O.K.: A childhood crush?

There was this boy who was my classmate at daycare, and I REALLY liked him, I was like, obsessed with him, I would write him letters and all (I could write like, at 4, so this is legit). The weird thing was that this boy wasn’t real in my head. I mean, he was there, he was a real boy, but I was in love with an exact copy of him that only existed inside my head, I didn’t pay much attention to the real kid.

Remember: The one thing you want people to remember about you?

That I can be dangerous if I want to and that it’s better not to take advantage of me. I’m the sweetest on earth but I’d like people to remember that they can’t mess with me.

Only Learned Bad Things: A habit you want to break?

Eating junk. I mean, I’m not about to cut junk food of my life, but I’d like to be less addicted to it. More than eating junk, I’d like to cut emotional bingeing. I’m not diagnosed with binge eating disorder anymore but I can feel myself falling into old habits and I feel soooo weak. I hate it.

Bling Girl: Choose one of your possessions to give to a crush or s/o.

I’d probably give my girlfriend the pink edition of The Perks Of Being A Wallflower. It’s my favorite one, and I’ve got like 2 more, but that one is highlighted and means A LOT to me. Luckily we live together and she’s not going anywhere far away without me so I don’t need to do that hahah *sigh of relief*

Only One: The most encouraging thing someone’s said to/done for you?

There has been a lot of encouraging stuff people have said to me, like they believe I’m going to publish a book, that they think I’m capable of a lot, so I couldn’t choose the most encouraging. I can tell you about the last one tho: “You’re a puppy with places to go, so you shouldn’t be stuck watching people get drunk”

(This because I just had a bad episode with drunk friends, and also cause my gf and I always look at dogs and say that they walk like they have such important places to go and look happy).

It B1A4

Beautiful Target: How do you pursue a love interest? Are you active or passive about it?

I am very active about it, I flirt a lot, I try to spend a lot of time with the person, I also think I am so active I became obvious, which worked just fine the last time so...

My Love: Do you believe in love at first sight?

I do, yes. Not instant love, or mature love or anything, but I think that there’s something that just clicks the minute you see a person, more like interest or spark at first sight.

Chu Chu Chu: Have you had your first kiss?

Yes :D I’ve been kissing people since I was like 11 tbh, even though I had never had a partner before last year, but I was a strong believer in the idea that kissing wasn’t something serious if you’re not in love with the person. I kissed a lot of friends like this, just to mess around.

Wonderful Tonight: You (and your friends or s/o) are free tonight!! Where do you go? and/or The best party/event you’ve ever been to?

1) We go to eat some pizza or ice cream or whatever. We’d mostly stay home, eat, watch videos and talk.

2) I’m not really a party person, but there’s this one time my friends and I went to a karaoke bar and stayed there till like 3 am, and then pretended to be a car to buy food in a McDonnald’s drive thru. Then we walked like an hour and a half all the way to my house while the sun was rising, with 14 dogs following us. It was just amazing. (If you’re wondering, I wasn’t drunk, I didn’t have one single drink, I’m just the biggest dork)

Fooool: Do you easily trust others? and/or How loyal are you?

1) I trust too easily. Tbh, I don’t know if it’s trust or just my oversharing problem, but the thing is I say too much too early, but I don’t know if this counts as trusting. Considering all the things I’ve been through, I should trust no one, but I do.

2) I’m super loyal

Ignition (Special Edition)

Baby Good Night: Worst thing you’ve done to avoid someone on social media, or just in general?

Well, this guy I don’t like to talk about was stalking my instagram, so I turned the account to private, but he was still there. I assumed he was following me with a fake account so I blocked a few ones that looked suspicious. In the end, I have the account in private mode but I change it to public every time I post something for some minutes so people can see the pic in the tag. It’s fucking tiring but I don’t like being stalked.

Because of You: Best childhood or relationship memory?

One of the best memories I have with my girlfriend happened when we were just friends. You could tell we were starting lo like each other, but none of us would do shit. We spent a lot of time together, and we were sitting by the sea at night, it was just us and some stray dogs and it was really cold. She was leaning on me and I was sort of caressing her hair, and we were just about to kiss. We didn’t and every time we talk about it we agree in that we should have. It’s a nice memory anyway because I liked being so nervous around her.

Baby I’m Sorry: Ever had your heart broken (or vise versa)?

Yeah. I had this, girlfriend? we never named what we had but let’s say she was my s/o. We’ve met online and we talked everyday and sent packages to each other, I liked her an awful lot, but one day she stopped talking to me, and when I asked her what the hell was happening (two weeks later) she just told me she wanted to put some distance between us before telling me we wouldn’t talk anymore because I reminded her of sad things and she was basically unhappy around me. I don’t miss her anymore and I don’t wish she come back or anything like that, but I just can’t help wondering what the fuck did I ever do wrong.

This Time Is Over: Worst memory you’ve ever had? and/or Worst thing you’ve ever done to someone?

1) Tumblr is no place to ask about bad memories. Everyone has too many and they’re all too bad.

2) Let’s say my bpd is the worst I’ve done to everyone I love, for many many different reasons.

So Fine: 2 physical attributes that you are attracted to?

Big, expressive eyes and thick thighs.

Super Sonic: 3 things you look for in a s/o?

1) That she has her own opinions and that she’s able to talk about them and discuss things.

2) That she is loving and likes to cuddle and be ok with me being the freaking cheesiest.

3) That she’s smart.

And yes, if you’re wondering, Bunny has all 3 and a lot of things more.

Just the Two of Us: Do you believe “true love” lasts forever?

Yes. I think love can do everything if we don’t ruin it.

Smile: When was a time you were so happy you cried?

This feeling starts and ends with Bunny.

Feeling: A song that never fails to lift up your feelings?

What’s happening by B1A4. I swear to god I can’t listen to it and stay sad, it’s just too happy for me.

Crush: How do you act/react around your crush? Are you super-obvious?

I just said I am. I am obvious when someone is my crush and i’m freaking cheesy later.

You Are My Girl: How do you fall in love? Do you fall fast and hard for someone or does it take time for you to fall in love?

Fast and hard, and then harder and harder. I love too much and too hard and too fast.

In the Wind

In the Wind: Do you believe in fate or free will?

Fate, but I think we can shape it by taking our own decisions. So both maybe?

Tried to Walk: What’s the hardest thing you’ve had to give up?

My mental health probably lol no I’m not really sure??? Probs the belief that my dad was a good person. He is, but he’s also one of the worst kinds of persons and that was really hard for me to accept (still is tbh)

If…: What is one thing you can’t live without?

Bunny. She’s the only person who has given me the ability to be myself and to speak what I feel and to be real. Not even my mom, or my friends. I also can’t live without reading, writing and listening to music. I just can’t.

I Won’t Do Bad Things: Your relationship deal-breakers?

If the other person were racist, or stole, or treated people badly, or were lazy. I can stand a lot of things but I need to admire the other person for things to work.

What Do You Want to Do: What would you like to do on the perfect date?

My kind of perfect date is amusement park or sitting by ourselves at night, whatever is the setting, I’d like to eat stuff and chat and kiss for hours without noticing time pass.

Be My Girl: Have you ever confessed to a crush or told someone “I love you?”

I have confessed, and it didn’t work well. I’ve also said I love you a thousand times to Bunny. The first time I did it was really embarrassing: I was having a bpd crisis of some sort but I was really “manic” (not manic manic cause I’m not bipolar, but some times I get something that is alike but for a very short period of time), anyway I felt so alive and happy and I needed to go for a walk cause the feeling was too overwhelming so I left her apartment and while I waited for the elevator I yelled “I LOVE YOU” and just fucking died because I meant it.

In the Air: What do you do to relieve stress?

Write, sketch, listen to music, take a shower, go for a walk, fucking scream into the void of my soul and lose it.

What’s Happening?

Starlight Song: A song that makes you sad/cry?

Iris, the one by Goo Goo Dolls, but specially the Sleeping with Sirens cover. Another one is Asleep by the Smiths. They just kill me.

What’s Happening?: Weirdest/Strangest situation you’ve ever been in? and/or Most bizarre/craziest thing you’ve ever done?

Probably trying to dance to this song tbh. I’ve done so many weird things that I don’t even know. Probably eating every kind of plant as a child or trying to dye my hair with berries (also as a child). As a teenager I did other things but I’m not proud of them so.

Yesterday: A memory you would like to relive?

Past is better buried 6 feet under, rotting and being eaten by worms. Ok, maybe the feeling I had when I read The Philosopher’s Stone for the first time.

Good Love: Biggest regret?

Regrets, I have a few. But then again too (fucking many) few to mention.

How Many Times: What’s the greatest thing you’ve done to impress a crush/someone?

Show them my bookshelves. I don’t think it made the impression I wanted but I thought she would be so amazed by them.

Who Am I

Prologue: Introduce yourself to someone you’ve never met in just 10 words (can be in a list or sentences).

Happy

Dorky

Bookworm

Loving

Childish

Crybaby

Short-tempered

Boyish

Creative

Clumsy

Lonely: Do you like being alone? and/or 3 songs you listen to when you’re feeling down.

1) I love being alone, but only when I WANT TO, my bpd doesn’t let me enjoy being alone if I just happen to be alone because I feel abandoned af.

2) December by Neck Deep / Loser by BIGBANG / Therapy by All Time Low

Love Then: What’s a situation that seemed bad to you at the time, but actually turned out to be good?

Can’t relate to this because it’s usually all the way around.

Amazing: 5 words to describe a bias

A bias meaning Lee Sandeul: Funny, Sunshine, Happy, Childish and Cute.

Baby: What’s the hardest thing you’ve had to work at/for?

Living on my own. And I don’t mean it like a money thing.

Oh My ***: What has surprised you the most this year?

1) The fact that I seem to have the courage to do a variety of things I’ve always wanted to do.

Too Much: Someone/Something you miss right now or a lot?

You’ll get tired of reading Bunny’s name all the time but

Pretty: When is a person most beautiful/attractive? and/or Do you believe in ideal types? Do you have one?

1) When they’re confident. If a persons thinks they’re beautiful, they’ll be. It’s all about attitude. / Also when they’re sleepy, but that’s just personal taste.

2) I did have one and I think it’s really fun to think about it, but I don’t think they actually work. I know Bunny isn’t what my ideal type was (but now I can’t think of anyone I’d like more) and I know for sure I wasn’t what she was looking for.

Who Am I: Describe your past, present, and future in 3 words (1 word for each).

Painful. Pretty. Uncertain.

Drunk with Music: A song that turns you on~ hahaaa

If you’re talking about that kind of turn on... For your entertainment by Adam Lambert.

Road: Who do you look up to? Name those (living, dead, fictional, real, etc.) who have inspired you in life.

I think Neville is just //the// role model for me. No one on earth expected anything from him, and he surprised them all. That’s what I aspire to achieve.

Seoul: A place that reminds you of a special memory?

My grandma’s house always brings memories but I’m not entirely sure they’re special or beautiful anymore.

SOLO DAY

SOLO DAY: What would you do on your SOLO DAY (aka if you had a day all to yourself)?

Probably destroy myself since I can’t be trusted to be alone. If I’m in a good mood, I might go out of the house all day because as I said before, I can’t be trusted to be alone.

You Make Me a Fool: Your most embarrassing moment?

My whole life lol. I mean it tho, embarrassing it’s an everyday thing, but I embrace it and laugh along.

Are You Happy (with Him)?: If you could ask your bias one question, what would it be? and/or If you could get the answer to any question in the universe, what would it be? And, if necessary, who would you ask it to (your person can be dead, alive, fictional, real, etc.)?

1) I would ask him if he’s happy.

2) I want to know what happened when I was a kid even though it’s terrified, and I’d like anyone who wasn’t involved to tell me.

A Glass of Water: Something on your bucket list that you still want to experience/accomplish?

Learn more languages and travel the world with Bun.

Drive: 4 songs to jam to while you’re going on a long drive/road-trip?

Tried to Walk

Solo Day

A Glass of Water

What’s Happening

All B1A4 because that’s why I’m here.

You: 3 reasons why you love a bias

His voice makes me deeply happy

He makes me feel self assured because I think we’re a lot alike

He can make me smile

Sweet Girl

Sweet Girl: Favorite dessert? and/or Favorite scent?

1) Ice cream. I just can’t have enough of it.

2) Lemon.

You Are a Girl I Am a Boy: Do you believe a guy and a girl can “just be friends?” Have you ever maintained a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex?

First of all, I’m a lesbian, so for me girl and guy friendship is a total yes. But I’m also friend with girls, I never fell in love with my best girlfriend or anything. I think you can be friends with everybody, and you just love who you love.

After 10 Years: Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Decorating our apartment, driving in my car to buy groceries, cooking real food.

Wait: Something you’re looking forward to?

Buy our own apartment, buy things for it. Also, that Bunny finishes reading the Harry Potter series so we can talk about it like crazy fangirls.

Love Is Magic: Have you ever been in love/Are you in love right now?* and/or What is love to you?

1) I’m soooooo in love right now

2) Love is a home. It’s feeling loved and a part of something, it’s also fighting sometimes, but always feeling safe.

Good Timing

Time: Your favorite time of the day? and/or How have you changed the most within the past year?

1) When the sun sets and suddenly everything’s quiet because the sky is just to loud for anyone else to make a sound.

2) I’m happier, braver, more confident and also I started taking responsibility from my actions and learning to control BPD behaviors.

A Lie: Biggest lie you’ve ever told?

“She cares about me” to myself.

The Moment I Fall for You Again: When did you fall for your bias?

Beautiful Target MV, I just saw that little doctor or nurse or whatever with huge glasses and even bigger smile and I just died.

Good Timing: Pick one person to go time-traveling with!!

NO ONE. Time travel is an awful idea, I’d destroy everything.

Nightmare: What’s the worst dream you’ve ever had (or one you remember very vividly)?

I was like 15 and I dreamt that one classmate went inside my room to wake me up, and I didn’t, so he took out the covers and I was all naked and covered in stab wounds, I also knew I had been raped. It was super scary specially because I’ve never dreamt with blood and nudity before. I started dreaming with rape all the time, including one dream where my father sold me to be raped.

In Dreams: Conversely, what is the best dream you’ve ever had? and/or What is your life dream/goal?

1) I don’t think it’s the best but it’s the one I’d never forget: there was this superhero flying in outer space and he was, well, flying but he didn’t really move, only the background moved and repeated itself. That was the whole dream and I love it.

2) Becoming a published writer.

Sparkling: Why do you like being a BANA (or the B1A4 fandom)?

I think this fandom is super chill and that’s something you can hardly find in other fandoms. I love it ‘cause I’m into kpop to have a good time, not to fight other people.

To My Star: The most amazing/beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?

Those stones that look like regular stones on the outside but are full of gems on the inside. Specially the purple ones.

Melancholy: Have you ever experienced unrequited/one-sided love? and/or What’s something you hated at first, but eventually ended up loving?

1) My first girl love was unrequited as hell because not only she wasn’t into girls but also stopped being my friend out of the blue lol

2) Sushi

I Will Find You: The most precious thing you’ve ever lost? and/or Have you ever been lost? Are you good with directions?*

1) My childhood probably lololol (I’m some emo edgelord sometimes)

2) I’m the freaking best with directions, I don’t think you’ll ever find someone better than me. I’m dead serious.

Drunk on You: What is something (show, book, song, person, etc.) that you are currently unhealthily obsessed with?

KimPie, that one ship from Thai lesbian movies “Yes or No”

With You: Why do YOU ♡ B1A4?

Because they have amazing unique music that doesn’t sound like other kpop bands at all. Because they’re original and full of feelings. Because they’re sunshines I’M JUST DONE.

#that was FREAKING LONG #survey #or whatever

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ineffablecatblog · 8 years ago

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Myself and I: weight and shape.

WARNING: I’m gonna talk about eating disorders and mental health issues, so if you know you’re gonna be easily triggered by that, please consider not reading my post. Also, if you’re in trouble, please get help. <3

(Also, sorry for the shit photo quality. Ok thx bye <3)

Ahhh... the everlasting issue that rules a big part world: looks.

Before I start preaching, I’m gonna tell you my journey so far.

It probably started with other people. Models. Girls that open Victoria’s Secret Shows with their glorious wings spread from their back. Elegant, sexy, cute. On the cover of fashion magazines, in bikinis, with their perfect long hair flowing in the wind of the waves. Naturally sexy beautiful. Isn’t this, what a girl dreams of?

At least this was what I dreamt of since I looked in the mirror at age 12 and said to myself: You are too fat. I had been a healthy, normal child until I got to 5th grade and my mental health (that was crumbling apart from multiple events in my life coming together) took effect on my body, making me gain weight. I wanted to be skinnier, “more beautiful”, more “elegant”. I wanted the “perfect body” so people would like me (not that they didn’t, but I had no idea that I was so mentally ill). My best friend in 6th grade was skinny, and no matter what she ate, she did not gain a single little gram ever. Little did I know that she was insecure about that, I just saw how funny and beautiful and skinny she was and how the boys and our friends liked her. I heard people talk about how they needed to lose weight, even if they were in a normal, healthy shape. So, if they needed to lose five pounds, I needed to lose ten.

It got worse and worse for a few years. 2013 was probably the worst year of my life. Age 15, it wasn’t just about losing my baby belly rolls and a pound here and there. I stood in front of my mirror, looked at myself, and then I looked at pictures on Instagram and tumblr. Of people with thigh gaps, and small arms, and their ribs sticking out. And I was determined to disappear. My goal wasn’t to just be skinny, I didn’t want people to ask me if I had lost weight, I wanted people to be concerned for my health because I wanted to be a skeleton - underweight. Can we just hold on for a second and acknowledge how sick that is? I starved myself, I threw up, binged on unhealthy food and cried. I was depressed, which also came with other effects. That was my life for a long, long while. At least two years I also spent every day at the gym. I. Needed. To. Be. Skinny.

People in my life left and came, and I met a boy that was anorexic by the end of 2013, or maybe even at the beginning of 2014. I’m not going into detail about him, but he’s an important part of my story. Him and I, we had nothing in life. We hated our own bodies as much as we clung on to each other. We kept each other from killing ourselves, as far as we could, and it luckily somewhat worked out, as you can tell by me writing this post right now. If it wasn’t for him, it’s safe to say that I would been dead for a long time right now. If you ever happen to read this, you know who you are and you know that I love you so much and I’m so proud of you. He recovered pretty well, but it took a long time. And so did I. At least that’s what I thought.

Time passed, and I kinda got “better”. I didn’t want to starve myself as much anymore, started therapy for multiple reasons (mainly my bpd and the behaviour that came with it) at the beginning of 2015 and found a way of thinking more and more towards accepting myself.

I then looked at people on Instagram with big butts, big thighs, big hips, and I thought “If they’re not skinny and still look this good, I don’t need to be skinny. I wanna look like that, not like a stick!” And I thought that this meant I had defeated my eating disorder, because I didn’t want to be skinny anymore. Obviously, I was wrong. I was still not happy with my body, I just had different but also unrealistic standards for myself. My bones just aren’t structured to give me a big, juicy booty with strong thighs, a curvy middle with a teeny tiny waist. I just couldn’t see that the model industry had changed and that this was still something everyone else was telling me. I thought I wanted to look like that for myself.

I just wanna quickly interrupt and talk about Kylie Jenner for a second, because that is exactly what that girl did. She was stick skinny, got surgery and suddenly had an a$$, tits and curves that were never there before. I see and realize that now, but I wouldn’t have two years ago. This girl just decided to not go through puberty, not accept herself and not move on. And this is an A+ example of why young girls have to go through the sh!t I have gone through and still am going through. She is the unrealistic, abnormal image of what I wanted to look like at age 17.

I have mixed feelings about the “selflove” campaign that has been going strong since about two years ago now. People have started promoting acceptance from yourself towards your own body. And they’re telling you to LOVE YOURSELF, and to SHOW YOUR CURVES!

I’m gonna show you a couple of pictures, since that is what influences people on the internet the most. We like visuals, and that’s okay.

As you can see, I’m not stick thin. I still have fat on my body, but I’m not overweight. I am confident, because I show my body on the internet like that, right? I love myself, otherwise I wouldn’t be showing off my figure, right? Selflove2kblablabla, right?

While this seems so real, it’s still so full of lies.

What you don’t see is that I needed about 20 attempts to take these pictures. 1) because my hands were shaky - because I hadn’t eaten more than two muffins and a slice of toast (unintentionally!!!) 2) because I needed to find good angles, lighting and poses 3) because I kept repositioning my sweats so they would compliment my body. What you don’t see is that I am heating up the oven to make myself some dinner full of carbohydrates. What you don’t see is that I also literally dug into food right after I took these.

I’m now gonna post something that I have probably never really posted online before, so this is in fact a very big deal for me.

Relaxed. I have literally the worst posture on the planet, I have hip rolls and belly rolls and I have rolls on my back. BUT ALL PEOPLE HAVE ROLLS, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY SIT DOWN.

It is complete and utter bullshit if you think differently.

My point here isn’t that you should look like me or act about it like me. I’m not here to say “hey, look how skinny I am” or “hey, look how curvy I am” or “hey, look how many flaws I have”. I’m not here to be fricking all-loving Jesus about every shape and form that the human body can have, because there ARE unhealthy bodies that are underweight or overweight and that do in fact need to be taken care of. I don’t even surely know if I even have a point here at all. I have also already realized that my fingers can’t keep up with my train of thoughts, and a lot of things are unfinished here and might not really make sense to you. But have you ever met someone with the nicest smile and the cutest laugh and the warmest heart and thought: “Damn, they really need to take care of their weight, phu!” Because you very well know that if the character is golden, it doesn’t matter which case holds it. You know very well that you don’t care what someone looks like as long as they treat you well (unless you’re a f#cking tw#t). So, if you don’t look at someone and judge them by their body shape, why would anyone that is in their right mind do that to you?

I know that this doesn’t mean much to somebody who struggles. I know that I still need to remind myself of this (at least!!!!) five times a day because I still struggle.

Maybe I’ll always struggle. I just today said “I want to lose weight” and that’s because I know I will have better chances at learning figure skating (on ice) if I am stronger, a bit fitter and more flexible, which means I’ll have to train and work out.

But do you spot the difference here? This is about achieving a healthy, non-look-related goal for myself. If I had to gain weight to be better at this sport, I’d do it. This is not about wanting to be skinny, this is about wanting to improve skills. I might not even have to lose the few pounds, but it’ll probably come naturally once I actually start training and eating healthier.

I don’t know what I’m saying, neither do I know if you got something out of this post at all, and I’m sorry that this is still so “pure” and unstructured, I haven’t figured out how to properly structure and theme and plan a blog post yet, but I want to share words about my issues with social media and weight, and what better place to start than from within?

Please let me know what you think! Feel free to anonymously leave me a message or reply to this post! <3

#2 #myself and i #weight #tw eating disorder #trigger warning #tw depression #tw borderline #tw body horror #tw body image

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surveys-at-your-service · 8 years ago

Text

Survey #71

“i know i said, ‘my heart beats for you;’ i was lying, girl, well it beats for two, ‘cuz i’ve got your love, and i’ve got these vices.”

bow ties on guys, dorky or adorable? PRECIOUS have you ever died in one of your dreams? i have. do you believe in demonic possession? how about ghosts? angels? i believe in all these as a religious person. my own sister knows someone who, supposedly anyway, died in an exorcism. what would you say is your worst flaw? i ALWAYS jump to the worst possible conclusion. if an ex said they hated you, you say? aaron: "i would hate me too if you knew me for only who i was in the 7th grade." juan: "i'm not all that fond of you half the time, either." jason: "your dick sure didn't." do you have a friend whose name begins with 'c'? describe him/her. colleen! she's a leader, she's brave, she's honest, she admits to being rather cold-hearted, but i love her. you've got an unread message on facebook! who do you want it to be from? i always wish it to be jason. what if the person you miss walked into the room right now? i would scream his name, jump out of bed, pull him into it, and hug the fuck out of him. who was the last person you added to your phone's contacts? jax. she gave me her number last night, which made me feel awesome, knowing she trusts me like that. (: do you plan on having children in the future? i do. how many i have depends on how pregnancy/childbirth is and my husband's preference. do you believe that the world will actually end? eventually, inevitably. would you rather watch a comedy movie or horror movie? horror are you good at admitting your problems? very much so. do you know a hoarder? i do. can you do a split? i never could, even when i was a dancer. what would you name your daughter if you had one? alessandra quinn<3 what would you name your son if you had one? i'm beginning to think vincent luther, idk. do you spell the color as grey or gray? "gray." "grey" is the european spelling. do you prefer titanic or the notebook? both are very romantic and beautiful, but "the notebook" if you have a nickname, what is it? just "britt." nothing special. who’s your favorite person in the world? jason. what medical conditions do you have? severe depression, anxiety, ptsd, bpd is heavily in question, essential tremor in hands. how many times have you been to the hospital? four or five times, all for mental reasons. what religion will you raise your children to practice? christianity. how old are you and where are you from? i'm about to be 21 and i'm from north carolina, usa. do you subscribe to beauty channels on youtube? what ones? no, i get enough beauty knowledge from randl when they decide to do some stupid shit on gmm. what do you think of people that do drugs? i feel bad for them. who was the first person you told about your first kiss? i don't think i told anyone. it just didn't seem necessary. have you ever peed in the woods? i tried to, but i couldn't. what about pooped in the woods? omg no way i never could. would you kill a dog for 1 million dollars? fuck that. had gossip written about you on the bathroom wall? not that i know of. have you ever used a sex toy? no. seen someone get killed\or die in front of you? no, but i saw a biker get hit by a car once. thank GOD he didn't die. have you been to the movies lately? what movie did you see anyways? colleen, chelsea, and i recently went to this run-down movie theater that was hosting a kid's movie for a buck. it was "trolls." we just went for the fun of it, and the movie ended up being extremely cute. have you ever used a muscle stimulator before? did it hurt? no, i haven't. have you ever watched the golden girls? omg i love that show yaaaaas did you ever like the ninja turtles? no. i steer clear of the whole franchise now... jason (as well as his brother) was really, really into them as a kid and for some reason him saying he was 100% raising our kids on it stuck with me. would you rather your daughter look to princesses or female superheroes as role models? she could really look up to either, but if i had my preference, superheroes. the princess stories of the past too commonly make them appear as damsels in distress. meanwhile, the stereotypical female superhero takes action. just another thing jason and i talked about in regards to our future kids... i miss believing that would happen. would you rather be very much in love with one person and have no other friends, or have a large group of supportive and loving friends, but never find your “soul mate”? be in love with one person. give me jason and destroy the rest of the world, i don't care. have you ever lucid dreamed? would you like to, or does the thought of being able to control your dreams scare you? i haven't, but i guess it'd be cool. where did you get the pants you’re wearing? hottopic have you ever been given a rose? yes. pink ones, from jason. have you ever built a snowman? multiple times. remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed? we were playing on his bed. he had me pinned down and his face was close to mine. i think he was expecting for me to beg for mercy for him to stop tickling me. i kissed him instead, and he blushed so hard, then just smiled at me. i wish i could see happiness like that again one day. how are you feeling? very nostalgic and worried. mom said the letter should reach jason's house by today. do you think someone is eventually going to break your heart? it's already broken. so. what song are you listening to, if any? "blessed with a curse" by bring me the horizon. this song wrecks me but i fucking love it. "everything i touch turns to stone, so wrap your arms around me and leave me on my own" fucking destroys me and gives me goosebumps every time wtf. do you wear short shorts? hell no. i like to actually cover my ass. would you get your nipples pierced? nope. whats the best word to use: sleep with, shag, fuck, sex, make love: "make love" is absolutely the most romantic and sincere-sounding. green apples or red apples? red. but they HAVE to be crispy. what is an album art cover you just simply adore? "see you on the other side" by korn has a really sweet cover. who is your favorite movie director? tim burton!! would you rather sing or dance in front of your crush? i've done both in front of him, but errrr... as of now, i'd rather do neither. i've only done a choreographed dance in front of him, and the only time i truly sang in his presence was at church. how old do you think you should be to lose your virginity? i personally think you should at least an adult. just so your body is prepared for the chance of conceiving. and don't give me the, "just use protection" excuse, shit fails. what is your favorite type of jewelry? i swear i have to correct the spelling of "jewelry" in every survey i take. anyway, if we're not counting piercings, i guess rings. what is your favorite sex position? ;) i've only ever dry-humped in missionary style, and that's always been fine with me. have you ever owned a ouija board? no. i've always wanted to frame a cool one in my house tho??? do you like pina coladas? never tried one. what is the goriest thing you've seen in real life? probably my own knees after the skinned the fuck outta them. blood and pus all over the place. what is your favorite angry music? in my head, i picture the album "saint anger" by metallica to be like the pinnacle expression of anger. all the songs relate to it somehow. which is better smoking or vaping? well i mean... obviously vaping is. it still has its flaws, though. do you prefer to be pale or tan? don't say in between: pale, honestly. do you prefer white or black electronics? black. looks cleaner. are you a good kisser (make out)? supposedly. robert downey jr. — bet you have a crush on him: very mildly, i assume. he is physically attractive and his confidence is, too. if you went on american idol, do you think you’d go through to hollywood? ehhhh, i don't know. do you plan on seeing the black swan? no. when it came out, mom thought it was a bad idea because it supposedly involves self-mutilation/suicidal tendencies. have you ever wanted your significant other to get rid of a friend? no. when jason and i dated, i was... suspicious sometimes of one, but yet i didn't mind him. i should've. he helped convince jason to leave me. do you ever go to blockbuster? how frequently would you say you go? omg i miss that store... i used to go aaaall the time for games. do you have any haters? i'm sure i do. briar, jason's friend, made it abundantly clear he hates me. dillon doesn't like me, or else he wouldn't have told jason to leave me. i'm sure rachel still hates my guts. jason's ashley probably doesn't like me, because i'm sure j's talked shit about me. are you happy with your boobs? no, i wish they were smaller... when i was a healthy weight, i was a c, but since becoming overweight, i'm a d, and i'm aware it's not just because my breasts grew naturally, a lot of it is fat from weight gain. do you like to wear dresses? i haven't worn one except for ashley's wedding in years, but yeah, i liked wearing them when i was smaller... have you ever been a part of a threesome? fuck that shit, no. did you baby-sit for money when you were in middle school? no. who was the last person to ask you out? juan, kinda indirectly. do you have a nice butt? no. it's a pancake, but i guess i don't hate it too much because it was enough for jason to enjoy. has your friend ever held your hand and it made you feel uncomfortable? juan did once, and i was extremely uncomfortable. have you ever had any really infected injuries? the cyst i had was infected. otherwise, no. how long have you liked the person you like right now? five years... what did your dress for prom look like? i'll just share two pictures where you can see the two dresses clearly, i guess. the first is from j's senior prom (i was tripping in them heels, hence why i’m standing kinda funny), the second from my senior prom. got fucking cold sweats looking for these pictures... i miss being that happy. i miss seeing HIM that happy. what the fuck happened.

does anyone make you feel inferior? if so, who, and why? do you feel superior to anyone? who and why? colleen makes me feel inferior, but i know she doesn't intend it at all. she's just... so much better and more accomplished. she faces life's battles head-on and tackles everything to her best ability. she's great. i don't feel superior to anyone. do you get bad pms, or is it not so bad? not that bad since i started birth control. are you in a good mood right now? i'm decent, i guess. who is your favorite super hero? batman! who is your favorite villain? harley quinn, absolutely. i relate to her so much. have you ever played the guitar? i used to. the best i could do was nail the intro to "sweet child of mine" and i was okay at the intro to "crazy train." would you rather be called honey or baby? "hunny" sounds much sweeter. if your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say? "that's impossible." do you enjoy piercings & tattoos? yaaaas, boo. what do you think of the last person you kissed? he's an angel without a god. your last kiss probably meant nothing to you, right? every kiss we shared meant the world. have you ever gone to a strip club? if not, would you ever go? no, and i absolutely never will. i want nothing to do with that filthy fucking business. how old were you when you first learned how to put in a tampon? idk, actually. i used pads for the longest time, until i wanted to try tampons. i was SO scared i was going to put it, er, in the "wrong hole" did you like the spice girls when you were little? hell yeah! would you rather kill your ex boyfriend or justin bieber? er, neither? do you believe your ex cares about you? i... don't know. did you have a dream last night? yes. i dreamt i had a crush on someone new. i don't remember his name and barely how he even looked, but... the feeling that i was feeling things for someone other than jason, it was wild. what’s the last movie you watched? with who? i watched "brother bear 2" with chelsea. your best friend tells you how she felt when she first gave head; your reaction? lmao true shit, we've been here before. xD both she and i don't like it. have you ever moved? if so, how many times? well i was born in rocky mount, but we moved to sharpsburg when i was very, very young, so really, i call sharpsburg my hometown. i moved again as a pre-teen to where we are now. do you remember the name of your kindergarten teacher? mrs. fortenberry what’s your middle name? marie have you ever cried yourself to sleep? many times. have you seen the odyssey? hmmmm, i think in high school... do you believe in equal rights between men and women? no shit? don’t you hate the stupid girls in scary movies that run upstairs? it's extremely cliche, sure. do you plan on breastfeeding your children? or if you have children, did you? i do. i remember my mind being BLOWN when i was at the hospital when ashley was bearing ryder and there was a display of all the different nutrients in formula milk vs. breast milk. formula milk has NOTHING on the real stuff, and i want to ensure any child of mine has the best possible start in all regards. but would you ever do it in public? me personally, no. but i have NO problem with other women doing it. i'd just be too scared of getting lectured by some random, ignorant asshole. which is fucking pathetic, to know me, among soooo many other women, are fearful of being confronted because of feeding a child. we're in 2017, get with the times, this is old shit. have you ever worn a pair of scrubs?   every time (but one) when i was at the er and every time at the mental hospital. they're very uncomfortable and feel like thick paper. do you think you’d have what it takes to shoot someone if you had to protect yourself? honestly? yeah, i would. but let's hope i sure as hell never have to do so. have you ever hallucinated?   i wouldn't say i ever full-on hallucinated, but when i was coming off a certain medication, i saw shadows moving a lot. have you ever worn a nipple tassle?   nope. do you think pearls are attractive?   eh, i'm neutral on them, honestly. i don't find them extremely pretty. are there any waterfalls nearby? definitely not any big ones. what is your favorite condiment? usually, honey mustard. have you had a nap today? VERY surprisingly, not yet. i usually have by now. have you ever cried while watching a movie? mhmm. has someone close to you died of murder? no, thank god. do you pray to god often? less than i usually do, because i'm just so mad at him... how do you feel about people who neglect their pets? they have no right to have an animal as part of their family. should there be an application process for having children? uh, no. i can GUARANTEE it wouldn't cover all areas and there'd be so many "special cases." it would case more bad than good, i'm certain, and besides, i can also promise you it wouldn't stop us from reproducing. how intense is your anger? have you ever hurt anyone/yourself? it can be explosive. dare i say even deadly, with how it's left me feeling towards some people. i have hurt myself multiples times, anger being a culprit, but never anyone else. do you know anyone who is abusive? are you abusive? i know some abusive people, yet i don't consider them part of my life. i am in no way abusive, i'd never be able to live with myself. have you ever contemplated cheating on anyone? fuck no, because i know a thing or two about loyalty. at what age did you start to feel like a teen, and not a kid anymore? idk what age, but it was definitely when i had my first period. i cried about it. who was the last person to completely fascinate you? completely? jason, of course. when looking for something to watch on tv, do you tend to pick shows you know you like or try new shows that look interesting even though you’ve never heard of them before? i tend to stick to what i know. if you were to donate to charity today, what would you donate to? i'm not sure, but probably something for suicide prevention. what is your favorite card game and when was the last time you played it? "magic: the gathering" i guess, and i played the duels of the planeswalker thing on ps3 moooonths ago, but i haven't played it in-hand in well over a year. do you know anyone who is fluent in a second tongue? i think juan's the only one? he speaks spanish and english. how’s your day going so far? eh. i have wicked heartburn and my stomach's upset. did your ex give you a promise ring? no. he gave me a ring, but it wasn't a promise ring. do you know anyone that's gotten an abortion before? i do, and when she's of age, she wants to get a tattoo of the child's name, which... REALLY PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF???? so your unborn child's important enough for you to get a tattoo in his/her honor, buuuut not important enough to be born??? the fuck is your problem??? are you worried about anything right now? ugh, yeah. mom has most of my room packed up, and i'm trying to find the ring jason gave me. i want to fix it and wear it. i think it's in my bigger jewelry box since it wasn't in the one he gave me, but i'm worried it won't be. i will literally die if i lost this ring. does anybody have a tattoo with your name on it? no. ashley has a tattoo with my initial, though, as well as our other sisters' and brother's. if you fell pregnant to the last person you kissed, what would you think? if by some miracle i conceived his child after not seeing him in over a year, i would be extremely confused, but i'll go with the logic. i'd be like... unbelievably happy in a very weird way. i'd cherish that child beyond explanation. imagine a dragon guarding priceless treasures in the old fairytales, that's how i'd feel towards that baby. to have some part of him, it'd be unreal. do you think the body is the most beautiful thing that was ever made? no. the human soul is. what colour is your mum’s hair? extremely dark brown, almost black (i thought i was as a child), and graying. what would you do if your partner still kept pictures of their ex? i guess... i can't say much. considering i don't give a fuck, i would never get rid of jason's pictures. are there any mistakes with your recent ex you wish you could have changed? i should've let him have my virginity. he was entirely deserving of it. what color was the hair of the last person you kissed? black. it almost looked brownish in the very strong light, though. who was the last person to buy you dinner? colleen

sorry this is a bit shorter than usual, but i need a nap. looking back at my prom pictures really fucked with me; i feel extremely sick right now.

#survey #quiz #questions #asks #answered

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