#narccisistabuse

[neurodivergentchaosking]

Long ass life update... its messy *fein shock and horror*

TOC of paragraphs:1 The voices in my head that i thought were fucking normal. 2 the neighbor who is actively torturing me 3 my current mental health. 4. Narc reflections and childhood memories

1: I have voices in my head and though that was normal. How in the absolute fuck did i convince myself that it was normal you may ask? Well you see dear readers, i am in fact an ego driven idiot with a serious avoidant nature. Let me clarify. The voices in my head are mine, i always viewed them as me with different perspectives. i assumed i thought liked this because im just so uber freaking hekka smart that i needed mini “brains” to solve complex situation in my life. it turns out its from the TRAUMA. i literally only found out about this because i was blacking out and losing time and evidence that i did shit when that time was lost. i have dissociative identity disorder!!!! ( formally known as multiple personality disorder,  and no its nothing like you think it is) Also, these voices have names and shit.... my life has been a bit NUTS.

2. My shitastic fucking neighbor story: In august 2021 i got very drunk with my husband (we were separated but friendly at the time) because i was poorly coping with the narc bitch fallout. We were very fucking loud at like 4am and it really wasn't cool. My neighbor agreed because he angrily knocked on my door (which is fair) but i was drunk and i didnt realize i was being loud at the time (keep in mind that i am autisitic-its important for context in a second). i answered the door in a hoodie because thats what i always where (its a long hoodie) when im chilling and its too cold to be nakey. lemme paint the picture of what happened-------i opened the door to find a short mans face go from angry to confusion and slight horror/embarrassment. he stuttered a bit before he spoke, eyes darting at the ground for some reason. “Im a correctional officer and in my 7 years of living here i have never heard the noises like coming from your apartment” his face gets more serious..i can tell hes trying to imply something but i for the fuck of it all can figure out what. so i say “what do you mean?”.. his face looked disgusted that i dare ask for  a clarifying detail of communication . and his face distorts intos something ugly(er) “you know what i mean”-----i did not know what he meant, i looked at him blankly and said “i dont though, what do you mean?” and he grumbled something slunk away into the darkness. i am balling me eyes out because i obviously upset my neighbor but i didnt know what i did so i didnt know how to fix it and so i just cried while my husband consoled me------a day or two later we ran in to eachother and he apologized and i apologized and then i told him that i am autistic (biggest fucking mistake apparently) and i really didnt understand what happened. he said that he was worried we were killing eachother (i did fall a lot that night and we also fucked which probs wasnt quiet). i though that was the fucking end of it. sounds like everything has been resolved right? ug well let me tell you---------------------he has been blasting his shitty music from hours 12am-7am on the weekends. i ignored it for months, but it just got worse. it was going on at least 3x a week and weird and random ass hours and it really impacted my mental health. so i had my husband knock on his door one of the times he was being hella loud but during normal daylight hours cuz i didnt wanna be rude...he turned the volume up. so we talked to the manager and asked if she could facilitate a resolution because i was unable to (i didnt even mention him being petty and increasing the volume because i really just wanted this to be handled and move on).... the noise got worse and worse and worse. got better for like 3 days and then got worse. I was so fucked up by the overstimulation, exhausted and starving as a result. i was literally homicidal. i asked my husband to keep an eye on me while we resolved this situation because i was afraid i was going to snap and either unalive the neighbor or myself to make the fucking noise stop ( and no the $300 noise canceling headphones did not help). luckily the building manager was incredibly supportive and let me out of my lease early and i am about to live full time in an rv as a last ditch effort to stay alive, out of jail, and out of the nuthouse. i also made several calls to the police and that seemed to help a bit but not completely. they couldn't evict the fuck because of covid protections, however they are serving him with a broken lease thingy and they will not be renewing that gross tiny mans apt. so yes, i may have lost my home, but so will he, and he will have shit rental history. hope it was worth it you boot-licking cunt.

3.my mental health is absolute fucking shit: im in bed basically all day, the only way i can eat is if my husband feeds me, i barely shower or do any hygeine tbh. i am just doing everything i can to stay safe and get through this only 5 more days left so i def think i can handle it. i am getting to know the other alters in the system bit by bit, so thats been interesting.

4. I have been doing a lot of research about narcissists, and holy fucking shit have i uncovered some generational patterns of absolute bullshit. I have always hated my Maternal Grandfather. i hated the way he treated my sweet and wonderful Gma, and honestly i just never felt any personal connection with him. i thought he was shit and didnt deserve my gma.i was right. the family even knew he was shit, i was able to piece together all the cheating and beating he was responsible for inflicting on his family. He was absolutely a fucking Narc. i say was because hes old af and suffering forever in a military run old folks home with dementia.---- My father, aside from the incest (no, i will not be elaborating on this, ever.) showed very little affection to his children. always off on his own. whenever he was around he always managed to be cruel and you could either a give it back and watch the little bitch pout (or beat you, it kinda depended the day ya know) or you could empty yourself of everything and dare not react, as advised by your mother of course....i have unfortunately have been uncovering a lot of buried memory of that man, and they all screamed narc. i knew he cheated on my mom, i even asked her about it once. part of me knew, fucking KNEW that he was absolute shit....he never told any of his children that he loved them until they already left the house btw. One of the alters in my system is named Stevie which is interesting because my father is names Stephen but goes by Steve. Stevie delights in hurting the people who have hurt us (and omg the shit i did to my ex narc who btw i forgot what fake name i was giving for her story so il just tel you. her name is Caite while Stevie hosted). Stephen delights in hurting everyone. ...idk its just interesting, and helps to explain why i was so blinded my Caites shit. everyone in my family had to deal with loving a narc and we just thought it was normal. most of them are still unaware of the trauma bond they are in....sucks to suck i guess. 

[neurodivergentchaosking]

Loving someone with NPD

It fucking sucks! I have bpd and if i was completely untreated, i would have been narcissist chow...more than i already was.

I have pretty decent intuition but it took a long time for me to actually follow it. I met (lets call her Mary) before i listened to it and created a huge blindspot that took me 6 years to fix.

We both arrived on Okinawa Island 24 hours a part, we shared a name and a birthday ( naturally my dumb ass was like OMG SOULMATE- after i stopped hating her). when i first met her, i hated her. I knew she was two-faced and i said so to her face. Few drunken weekends set that unfortunate Trauma bond in place. 

I felt so special. She's two-faced and cruel to everyone but ME. my BPD ate that shit up. she even told me that she thought i was the category of “bimbo friend” until she got to know me.....and i actually took that as a compliment and mentally lorded it over her bimbo friends. it was a disaster.                           love-bomb, cruelty, rinse, repeat.

We were just friends at first, she thought she was straight, and i thought i was a girl- neither are true. We kissed once in a drunken haze and it was absolutely terrible, so it really never happened again. you know justgirlythings. 

I was quite notorious (just because im built like a coke bottle and was put into the marine barracks and you know how boot lickers be) on the island because the Navy is just high-school 2.0. Mary never had my back through it all, she stayed friends with the people who started it and she ditched me all the time at her convenience . I was only on the island for 6 months, and right when i almost cut things off with Mary, i left on an expedited transfer (another tragic story for another tragic time). We stayed in contact via snapchat but honestly we didnt talk much.

Her bf was a bit of a loser and she was planning to leave him while planning their life together...look at that, another red flag that i took as a compliment because she left him for ME. fuck im so needy #narcissistchow. 

I made a joke about her living with me, and she just went full throttle with that shit. So we got an apartment together, twas the beginning of the end and i fucking KNEW IT. i felt it in my gut and i remember thinking...but she’s so mean sometimes... like whyyyyyy dont i just listen to me???? ug anyways

Right before we got the apartment she released my cat into the urban wilderness and he was GONE, presumed dead. Quinn, my beautiful fur-baby, a 13 lb maincoone, fucking HATED HER, and he only hated dicks. so yeah she got rid of him and blamed it on my husband (my life is complex okay). we were obviously not doing great and i didn't think about it too hard until later (even though he has never left the door open, like ever).

It started out so much fun! the adventures and stories that we created together were amazing. she made me feel like it would be like this forever. Bit short-lived.  she would insult, demean, and play fucked up mind games. Luckily for me she didn't get to feed of my pain the way she wanted because i don't exibxit vulnerable emotions (working on that), despite them eating away at me. 

Her toxicity mirrored the way i was treated as a child, so i did what i did as a child. i shut down. I stopped therapy because i was masking too hard for it be helpful. i stopped my medications because idk if they're working because I'm so disconnected. My ocd tendencies that i got rid of as a child came back. Im never not high on MJ (still am because i don't want to FEEL)

And you know why i stayed? because she made me feel special, and wanted, and even more so needed. She is so fucking insecure and i was a constant source of validation and love. we had conversations and conversations about how we were meant for one another and the future we would create together. We even talked about the children we would raise together. we talked about how it was weird that we didn't want to fuck each-other (she looks like an incest muppet lmao) but we were in a beautiful (toxic*) polyamorous asexual relationship.

i was def not perfect in the relationship. i would do so much petty shit (like i did as a child). she would make me feel shitty about something, so i would show off one of my many talents that also was one of her many insecurities. hell, i would fuck up her hair ON PURPOSE. She had this insanely long blue hair that ended in a short red Karen cut lmao i am such a fucking asshole lmao. no regerts

but like also lets not forget the times she literally threatened to murder me....just saying. i may have been a dick, but she DESERVED it.

She kept treating me like shit and i did the non-traditional BPD thing and started setting boundaries for myself. like when she starts being a jerk, just walk away. just leave. also make her jelly with something to feel better lol.obvi that made her MEANER. so i took her out to eat and told her that she was treating me like absolute shit and it needed to sop...she starts bawling...making up shit about how her anxiety this and that and she's not gonna stop being a cunt so shel just move out.

idk why i even tried after that lunch but like whatever. i even sold her my car at a discount price - but now she has the perma reminder lol. i tried. she kept changing the date of her leaving, she just got meaner, and what FINALLY made things click. was she started ditching me and lying about it ( i may have tested it out and made her confess to it without her knowing- she is incredibly stupid). that was the one thing. the one thing i told myself if someone does that to me again, im done. so heyyy at least i stuck to my boundary even though i almost talked myself out of it. so i simply stopped talking to her. for WEEKS. she tried to start conversation, i ended them. she insulted me and i would flip it on her. i was DONE and she knew it. so our 6 year relationship literally ended by me in person ghosting her.

Finally the lease was up and that kinda forced her stupid ass into moving, however. she like half left and half left her stuff. but she left ferret shit fucking everywhere. on the deck, in the closet, smooshed into carpet, random bits of poo strewn about the room. shes fucking Nasty. i cleaned up the ferret poops with her clothes that was left behing...and i rubbed it on EVERYTHING including her dishes. i broke a couple items (some on accident even). stole a bunch of stuff...even a dead mans gift...yeah im PETTY... but i stacked all of her shit at the enterence of the apartment.

Time for pickup! she allotted herself 1.5 hours to pack everything and go to her new apartment that is 45 plus mins away. she comes in- overly exaggerates on thanking me for stacking her shit by the entrance. i immediately ask for the keys ...says okay but then “got distracted”, we did that 3 times till she finally gave me the keys... then i told her about the ferret poo and she claimed that she was gonna clean it today...BITCH IT TOOK ME OVER 3 HOURS FOR THE POOP CLEANUP ALONE...so yeah fuck her.

later that day i hang out with my new friend, lets call her Anna, who is on Marys snapchat- while Mary was putting her stuff in storage (something she swore shed never do) she was saying how pissed she is and how horribly i am for stacking her shit at the entrance. glad to see she's as two-faced as ever.

POST BREAKUP DRAMA:

1) she tried to get rid of everything i gave her but she cant unbuy my car lmao.

2) she got stranded in Texas because she ran out of gas....even though the car tells you how many miles it has before it runs out...like i said, she incredibly stupid 

3) she tried to slither in my life by sending a pic via snap to Anna and then said “oops my finger slipped” ummm its snapchat and thats not how it works stupid ( and this is one of her go to ploys so like lol why?) it was also a pic of a boot that she gave me but its ugly so i gave it back. idk what her whole plan was but it backfire because Anna just blocked her.

4) Quinn came back <3

5) i am obsessed and cant seem to stop stalking her so now imma try just being crazy in blog form to see if my needy bpd self can CHILL. cuz ug i just want to stab her...like 37 times...in the face (it would be an improvement)