#me being a failure
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*sigh* and I’m back into “college panic mode” mindset, because I was too damn lazy to do stuff when I should have, and now I can’t build my full schedule because no classes are available, I don’t know what else to fill it with since I don’t really know what I’m doing with core classes, but also I need a lot of hours to make up for me dropping like 7 credit hours last semester, but I don’t know what to fill it with
Not only that but payments are due on the 18th (though from past experience I can be a bit late on that?), and looking it totals to over $7000, so I need a loan but don’t entirely remember how to do loans. And I can’t just ask my mom, since literally last week my dad reminded me to start doing my loans, and I haven’t touched it since tonight when I was thinking about it. I was planning to do it last Friday! And I have no excuse as to why I haven’t been doing it and I don’t want to get in trouble
And classes start in literally a week, less than that since it’s basically the end of the day, and I’m stuck dealing with stuff I should have dealt with back in May, because I’m so damn lazy. But at the same time, I hate thinking about school during break, I hate thinking about school in general, since it just sends me into a panic and I’d rather think or focus on literally anything else
And now I’m stuck here, my eyes tired and wanting to do to sleep, but my brain going on overdrive in a panic over all this, and I just want it to go away
*sigh* I’m sorry, I just need to get this out somehow. I’d ask why college does this to me, but in reality I know I dug my own grave here. I don’t want to be in this mindset, to fear college so much and to sit here, knowing I need to do things but still watching the days tick by, still not doing anything, despite having all the time in the world
*sigh*
#I feel like crying now. Probably won’t#hopefully I’ve tired myself out enough to go to sleep now#but I’m not sure I have#real life stuff#college#me being a failure#maybe I shouldn’t post about such personal things#but heck it I don’t have anyone else to talk to about it#or that I want to talk to because I’ll just make people mad at my incompetence
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the thing is there's like, a point of oversaturation for everything, and it's why so many things get dropped after a few minutes. and we act like millennials or gen z kids "have short attention spans" but... that's not quite it. it's more like - we did like it. you just ruined it.
capitalism sees product A having moderate success, and then everything has to come out with their "own version" of product A (which is often exactly the same). and they dump extreme amounts of money and environmental waste into each horrible simulacrum they trot out each season.
now it's not just tiktokkers making videos; it's that instagram and even fucking tumblr both think you want live feeds and video-first programming. and it helps them, because videos are easier to sneak native ads into. the books coming out all have to have 78 buzzwords in them for SEO, or otherwise they don't get published. they are making a live-action remake of moana. i haven't googled it, but there's probably another marvel or starwars something coming out, no matter when you're reading this post.
and we are like "hi, this clone of project A completely misses the point of the original. it is soulless and colorless and miserable." and the company nods and says "yes totally. here is a different clone, but special." and we look at clone 2 and we say "nope, this one is still flat and bad, y'all" and they're like "no, totally, we hear you," and then they make another clone but this time it's, like, a joyless prequel. and by the time they've successfully rolled out "clone 89", the market is incredibly oversaturated, and the consumer is blamed because the company isn't turning a profit.
and like - take even something digital like the tumblr "live streaming" function i just mentioned. that has to take up server space and some amount of carbon footprint; just so this brokenass blue hellsite can roll out a feature that literally none of its userbase actually wants. the thing that's the kicker here: even something that doesn't have a physical production plant still impacts the environment.
and it all just feels like it's rolling out of control because like, you watch companies pour hundreds of thousands of dollars into a remake of a remake of something nobody wants anymore and you're like, not able to afford eggs anymore. and you tell the company that really what you want is a good story about survival and they say "okay so you mean a YA white protagonist has some kind of 'spicy' love triangle" and you're like - hey man i think you're misunderstanding the point of storytelling but they've already printed 76 versions of "city of blood and magic" and "queen of diamond rule" and spent literally millions of dollars on the movie "Candy Crush Killer: Coming to Eat You".
it's like being stuck in a room with a clown that keeps telling the same joke over and over but it's worse every time. and that would be fine but he keeps fucking charging you 6.99. and you keep being like "no, i know it made me laugh the first time, but that's because it was different and new" and the clown is just aggressively sitting there saying "well! plenty of people like my jokes! the reason you're bored of this is because maybe there's something wrong with you!"
#this was much longer i had to cut it down for legibility#but i do want to say i am aware this post doesnt touch on human rights violations as a result of fast fashion#that is because it deserves its own post with a completely different tone#i am an environmental educator#so that's what i know the most about. it wouldn't be appropriate of me to mention off-hand the real and legitimate suffering#that people are going through#without doing my research and providing real ways to help#this is a vent post about a thing i'm watching happen; not a call to action. it would be INCREDIBLY demeaning#to all those affected by the fast fashion industry to pretend that a post like this could speak to their suffering#unfortunately one of the horrible things about latestage capitalism as an activist is that SO many things are linked to this#and i WANT to talk about all of them but it would be a book in its own right. in fact there ARE books about each level of this#and i encourage you to seek them out and read them!!! i am not an expert on that i am just a person on tumblr doing my favorite activity#(complaining)#and it's like - this is the individual versus the industry problem again right because im blaming myself#for being an expert on environmental disaster (which is fucking important) but not knowing EVERYTHING about fast fashion#i'm blaming myself for not covering the many layers of this incredibly complicated problem im pointing out#rather than being like. yeah so actually the fault here lies with the billion dollar industries actually.#my failure to be able to condense an incredibly immense problem that is BOOK-LENGTH into a single text post that i post for free#is not in ANY fucking way the same amount of harm as. you know. the ACTUAL COMPANIES doing this ACTUAL THING for ACTUAL MONEY.#anyway im gonna go donate money while i'm thinking about it. maybe you can too. we can both just agree - well i fuckin tried didn't i#which is more than their CEOs can say
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i think one of the coolest things about dan howell is the example he sets of how your life isn’t over at 25, and one person won’t fix your life but you still can. dan met his actual soulmate at 18 and is only now, in his 30s, finding true and genuine happiness and fulfillment. meeting phil didn’t automatically solve all his problems, although he was clearly a significant part of the motivation to bother doing the work at all. but dan still put in the work himself for YEARS to improve himself and his life and it WORKED. your life isn’t over if you aren’t completely happy and fulfilled and the person you wish you could be in your 20s. putting in the work takes time but it is WORTH IT.
#dan and phil#dan howell#phan#it’s so important to me the fact that they are soulmates and their relationship didn’t solve dan’s mental health#bc that’s just not what a soulmate does it’s not a failure of their relationship that it took time and work to improve mental health#and that yeah they are in their 30s now and yeah it did take a lot of time and work to get here#but rather than being sad like oh it took so long NO it’s an example of how there’s always hope there’s always more things do get better!!!#my post
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I deleted that last post because frankly I got embarrassed. But ultimately, I really would like to know if the new journal pages are suspicious on purpose.
Them being fake pages made by Bill is a theory I believe quite heavily in, and in my opinion there's a decent amount of evidence for it. It feels percentage-wise very few people agree. But I guess I just want to say, it's not that I'm just out here grasping at straws to discount a book I didn't like. What we know Ford to be like, what we know Bill to be like, and most importantly what we know journal 3 to be like, those are what the theory is driven by.
When I first looked at TBOB for myself, I got to the second page of the journal pages and the perception that I was reading pages written by Ford himself was shattered instantly. It was not repaired through the entire rest of the pages. When I was sitting around at work later, the next day after I had finished reading, I was struck in my mind by a bit in Ford's final message. "He's making it all up as he goes along." I know people have different readings of the meaning of that line, but for me that's what made me feel like maybe there's something to all this.
Suddenly it wasn't just "This book sounds nothing like Ford..." But rather "Maybe this book sounds nothing like Ford... because it isn't supposed to." And I started realizing stuff. Like "Hey... wasn't Ford drawn super incorrectly here?", or "Could this part really have happened?", or "Does this page make sense to even exist?". "What is it that creates such a strong sense of dissonance to these pages?" I have kept digging into more and more of what felt wrong ever since.
If you read through them without feeling like anything was off, or if there was it wasn't something you felt to be important, it makes sense my theory would not be for you.
But I believe in it.
And if I had my own chance to ask Alex, I would.
(Update: if you haven't seen the additions I made to this post, I ask you read them too)
#this one will probably get deleted too#who knows#bob investigations#explaining things is hard for me because its not that i think my idea is wrong#but rather- if i explain it in a way that isnt good- im ruining the ideas chance of being taken seriously and explored#like my failure to speak words properly is at fault#and im scared if i do a bad job explaining then ive like- killed it#i know that pressure isnt actually there and its a childrens book but thats what goes on up there#book of bill spoilers#the book of bill spoilers#long post
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#sorry that I disappeared last time#looking for a job and being told by recruiters that they're very impressed but then not getting the job#and then my family telling me that I'm a failure and should switch fields altogether like go to engineering school#is a unique kind of hell#I also got sick so bad I couldn't speak and could barely get up for the first two days (I'm better now though)
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rip ianthe tridentarius... born to be the one and only fucked up failgirl forced to somehow end up as the voice of reason
#like. ianthe is pretty insane we can all agree on this.#she ate a guy. she has nasty infectious rizz she had a girl homoerotically regrow her arm she did a lobotomy. she is a genius and a loser.#in any other fandom she would win hands down. unfortunately this is not any other fandom.#gideon and harrow are doing their whole orpheus and euridyce shit camilla was so codependent w/ her necro she merged her soul with him#pyrrha is a 1000-yr-old butch living in the corpse of her best friend alecto is the fucking vengeful soul of the earth.#don even get me started on mercymorn or commander wake or coronabeth... infact maybe dont get me started at all.#what imsaying is that ianthe may be insane but at least she's logical about it.#she killed a man for ultimate power. dick move yeah. but gideon killed HERSELF out of LOVE and took her gf tryna SAVE HER as a REJECTION.#one of these gals is more fucked in the head than the other BY FAR. rip ianthe second place even at being a failure#ianthe tridentarius#tlt
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My mom, after spending an extended weekend with my dad's old college classmates and their families: It's so weird that all of these very weird, intelligent and structured men who got their masters in engineering in the late 1980s have sons that are all autistic and daughters who all have mood disorders.
Me: Yeah, very weird. Why could that be?
#autism#depression#something tells me the daughters are also autistic#I mean I know I am#our brothers just got diagnosed in elementary school and got help and accomodations#while we were labeled gifted and got no help at all#just more responsibilities and pressure#until we burned out at the ripe old age of 16#and were now feeling as failures and disappointments to our parents on top of everything else#while also being the first generation to grow up with social media#idk that may just be me
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Chewtoy (Patreon)
#Doodles#Handplates#UT#Fellplates#Gaster#Papyrus#Sans#Squeeze him - he makes a squeaky toy noise#Everyone needs to bite Gaster! He doesn't yield like flesh so it probably doesn't even hurt right? Yeahhhh he'll be fiiiine#There is something very funny to me about him just sitting there and taking it tho lol - feeds into his martyr play ♪#As if I don't already have a favourite martyr hmmm don't worry about it lol#What was he even doing why is he just letting 2-P bite him lol#Socialization? That's not a good thing to just let him do! He's still got a young mind! Boundaries are important#He does offer a way out - hehe ♫ - but he doesn't enforce it! You're setting them up for failure#Hehehehe#The bone gift was fun to doodle hehe ♪ He leaves it with him and it goes completely untouched while his arm is covered in teeth-marks pfft#Even with Papyrus a bit more unruly I still like to imagine he acts mean in largely harmless ways haha#Like yeah he's being naughty and biting when he knows better and offered other options - Gaster. Gentle enforcement - but he's not Hurting#He's not using his entire bite force - probably lol or he's just got weak little baby bites (though those can be quite painful!)#Sans on the other hand would absolutely go 100% full power - and still only do 1HP lol what an unfortunate design quirk for him#If only he had a jaw he could open! He'd bite the heck outta Gaster! Alas#I do like to imagine Fellplates!Sans has just fast-tracked to classic's conclusion of ''You suck and I hate you. Die'' about Gaster lol#Even the possibility of not being mean to him is so alien! What do you /mean/ not hurt you?? Do you know who you're talking to??#He'll find another way to mess with him in good time haha
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Toji seems like an arrogant, playboy type, but in reality he’d be such a good husband to you. Once this man has truly fallen for you, you’re never getting out of his grasp, not that you’d want to anyway. He’s yours mind, body, and soul. You could jokingly ask to paint his nails and he’d plop down beside you holding his hand out.
You mentioned in passing this one purse you want? It’s on your bed waiting for you a week later. You’re not sure how he got it and you don’t think you want to know.
Not to say there won’t be rocky moments, but Toji makes sure the two of you sit and work it out before the night ends. Happiness wasn’t something he experienced often when he was younger, so now that he has a chance to experience it everyday, he’s not letting it go.
#listen#is he the best dad in the current timeline?#no#we all get that#but you can’t tell me that if his wife hadn’t died that he wouldn’t have been a better person#his childhood set him up for failure#and he still managed to find happiness with his wife and child#until the death of his wife sent him in a spiral that he#never got out of#that being said#stop making my man a scumbag#(actually don’t— I like the angst)#jujutsu kaisen#jujustu kaisen imagine#jujutsu kaisen x reader#toji zenin#toji fushiguro#toji x reader
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[ihnmaims]
the constant perfecting of the divine form
#ihnmaims#am#me: i should draw am more#me when i draw am: help help help HELP HELP#he's meant to be headache-inducing to look at but i think i mostly just did that to myself#anyways...i think a lot about am being as ruthless to himself as he is to his prisoners#he has a constant pursuit of perfection#but his continual gutting and repairs and modifications are all haphazard and emotional#he builds ever on a crumbling foundation#yet he is safeguarded against failure#poor guy#doodle tag
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In which Ford struggles so badly to relate to other people that he wonders if he’s really human at all. The more isolated he becomes, the harder it is to reconcile with his own humanity.
#my art#gravity falls#Stanford pines#ford pines#bill cipher#comic#eye strain#TIME TO DUMP EVERY ONE OF THE 27483949 THOUGHTS IVE HAD INTO THE TAGS BABY#OK!! SO!!!!#I feel like Ford would wonder why he and Stan (being identical twins) aren’t. yk. identical. shouldn’t Stan have polydactyly too?#as a kid he would dream about secretly being nonhuman and being whisked away to a fantastical world full of people like him#finally free of new jersey‚ finally somewhere he belongs#a lot of this disconnect from humanity came from utterly failing at social interactions while others (including stan) navigated them easily#the feeling waned after Stan was kicked out and he didn't have that direct comparison but it never left#then out in the wilderness of gravity falls‚ his isolation and immersion in Weirdness dragged it back up to the forefront#he deserves to have a breakdown over questioning his own nature. as a treat <3#color symbolism time bc I have a problem and use it at every available moment!!! blue and yellow get more vivid#the further from humanity the subject is#bill is entirely made w pure rgb blue and yellow (+ approximately 2674835 textures/layers/blending modes. I reached 150+ layers. help)#I like the idea that he would appear to ford like pure math considering hes a geometrical motherfucker and how the rest of the mindscape wa#I tried to mostly use trigonometry and related stuff for the Math Greebling. as well as fractals i love you forever fractals#MORE SYMBOLISM:#the grid-ish diamond pattern in all of the mindscape bgs (and elsewhere) is a penrose diagram of spacetime#which shows other universes on the other sides of black holes#SOMEONE ASK ME ABOUT MY EUCLYDIA HEADCANON LATER. IVE DUMPED ENOUGH DUMB HCS IN THESE TAGS ALREADY#BUT I THINK ITS VERY FUN#anyways. fuckt up guys n their egos influencing how they view humanity. bill tells ford hes as human as they come bc he was so easily foole#ford cant reconcile with his humanity bc of a failure to perform in one area#and then the immense guilt and shame over what hes done <3#I have So many ford characterization thoughts. no man nor god can stop me
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Voice actors are NOT the same as actors.
It takes a specific kind of skill-set and training to be able to warp and meld the voice. It takes a certain kind of talent and dedication to hone that talent into the ability to meld the voice and invoke emotion with one's voice alone. Actors are used to using their voice secondarily to their body language and their facial expressions. It's all mirrored back on camera. They do have nuance. But it's a different kind of nuance and a different kind of training to produce that nuance.
Voice actors might get their likeness transposed on their character's design, and maybe their mannerisms might seep into the character's animation. But when it's all said and done: their presence is in their voice. They are bringing a character to life, showing that emotion in their voice, trying to keep a specific accent, drawl, pitch, tone in that voice and keep it consistent for their recording sessions.
The voice actor is like a classically trained musician who can play first chair in a competitive, world-renown orchestra. The actor (who fills the voice actor's role) is like a moot who played violin in beginner and intermediate high school orchestra and thinks they can get into Juilliard with that 2-4 years of experience.
This doesn't mean that the HS orchestra moot can't play. They can even be really good at it. Maybe they won competitions and sat first chair. But they are not in the same league as the person who's been training their whole lives and lives and breathes to hone their craft using the instrument and all of the training they've ever acquired to perfect it. They are not meant for the same roles. They are not in the same caliber. You do not hire the HS equivalent when you want to play complex music in a competitive orchestra.
Actors are not the same as voice actors.
And furthermore, actors - especially big name actors - taking the roles of animated characters for big budget films or TV pilots makes no sense anyways when - at least in the case of TV pilots - there's not a point to hiring a big budget actors anyways. That money could be used elsewhere (like paying your animators), and the talent that is brought onto the screen for X character could then be hired on to voice said character no recasting required.
I wouldn't say voice acting as a profession is in danger exactly, but it's certainly being disrespected and overlooked for celebrity clout, and this has ALWAYS been an issue. Shoot, even Robin Williams knew that much - which is why he tried so hard not to be used as a marketing chess piece for Aladdin and got royally pissed off when it happened anyways. People shouldn't go to any movie (but especially not animated films) because "oh famous actor is in it". People should go because it's a good movie and the voice acting is good.
People who honest to god think that voice actors are replaceable because "oh well anyone can voice act" or "I like xyz celebrity so naturally it'll be good" ... Honestly I just wish you'd reassess your priorities because you're missing the point and are part of the problem.
Voice Actors ≠ Actors.
#(i am incredibly passionate about this)#(and seeing celebrity voice actors in what should be a voice actor's role completely burns my buns it doesn't matter WHO it is)#(hemsworth as optimus? someone tell me one good reason why they couldn't get a good v/a to replace mr. cullen properly for the future)#(ben shwartz as sonic? dude literally isn't even a good voice actor OR actor anyways-)#(- A N D jason griffith AND my boy roger craig smith are still RIGHT HERE)#(jason griffith IN PARTICULAR would have pulled back SO many sonic fans that went to watch the film anyways. if not /more/.)#(and on top of that he has the same tonality and energy they tried to force this moshmo to try and emulate anyways so GET THE REAL THING)#(chris pratt as mario? i can at least defend /him/ and say that barring his failure to do a NY accent consistently he wasn't terrible)#(but mario's new voice actor could've been used instead and people would've clearly appreciated that WAY more)#(vanessa hudgens as sunny starscout in mlp g5's pilot movie? literally why. they replace her and hitch's va in the show.)#(don't even get me started on the concept of hiring celebrity singers to do musical theatre roles or not letting musical theatre singers-)#(-dub the celebrity voice actors you just HAD to hire for your film bc you're so worried about not getting enough clout to get ppl in seats#(that you're putting it all in this (1) big name hire bc turns out that you have no faith in your writing ability much less-)#(-animation as a medium.)#(and no before anyone says anything : no this is not me saying that ALL celebrity voice castings are bad.)#(there are some that aren't that bad and others that are actually pretty good.)#(i especially appreciate it when actors are damn well aware they aren't voice actors and try to LEARN from voice coaches-)#(-and/or their va predecessors if applicable.)#(that does not change the fact that the celebrity shouldn't have been hired just because the film wanted to have bragging clout-)#(-oh look at this FAMOUS PERSON we were able to hire — yeah ok. sure wendy. i want to know if this film is quality or not.)#(and 9/10 times the SECOND there is money spent on a non voice actor to voice the main character especially)#(that usually means somewhere along the way animation IS going to get shafted. if not w the animators themselves then in the way of-)#(-the actual animation itself and ESPECIALLY the screenwriting because it's especially been so dogshit lately even before the strike.)#(a celebrity being hired to fill a voice actor's role is such an immediate red flag to me and it is VERY rare that i get to be proven wrong
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Love Laudna wanting Orym to be the one to cut her down if need be because she feels he can make hard choices, and Travis like "uh hello? What about Chetney? You want to put Orym through that anguish? I am right here" like damn, he right tho
#chet is 400+. his relationship with grief is very different from orym who is 6 years into being a widow and being retraumatised each day#chetney is big picture#he doesnt have that same level of responsibility for the others safety and protection that someone like orym has#not to say he doesnt care. he very much does. its just different#for him sometimes caring means putting your dog down when they are suffering#orym would see having to hurt his friends as a personal failing#like how he saw himself dying as a failure#i do find it funny whenever the team is like 'what if i hurt one of you when i lose control? i couldnt live with myself :('#'anyway orym i want you to kill me on purpose'#and orym just like :/ because what is he going to do? say no?#set boundaries and take his own future mental state into account?#nope. if it helps the others then he will commit an unforgivable act and barely be able to live with the guilt after#love that the halfling has been weaponised#this sounds sarcastic. i mean it. its juicy storytelling#the hells need to take chetney into account more. this man is pop pop. he cares in the way a dad friend would#gentle and sweet at times. an empathetic listener#but also willing to smack the shit out of you if you do some fuckshit#he would be so gentle with taking them out#would immortalize them through his woodwork after to remember them#critical role#cr3#orym#chetney#text post#4sd spoilers#my posts#idk if thats a needed tag#sorry for my wall of text tags but i ramble
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Rebecca Wisocky as Evelyn Powell DEVIOUS MAIDS (2013-2016)
#deviousmaidsedit#devious maids#rebecca wisocky#tvedit#tvarchive#cinematv#cinemapix#dailyflicks#femalecharacters#femalegifsource#*#these are ugly bc i couldn't get a decent dl but miss wisocky i 😵💫#evelyn powell divorce your husband let me treat you right#in some ep she mentions she hasn't been fucked in 15 years#like imagine being that failure of a husband
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i'm posting these mediocre sketches before school kicks my ass again
#camp camp#camp camp fanart#cc preston#god im so pissed my computer never lasts long enoug for me to finish at least ONE drawing#and i dont even have time to go fix it because of exams#cc nikki#cc nurf#AAND i cant download episodes anymore so now i feel like a huge failure#cc gwen#save me cc episode 3 season 5#cc neil#cc ered#my art#i think preston and nikki would bond over nikki's new found femininity#since they most likely didn't get along very well before because of their differences#nikki could teach him how to fight idk#this episode validated my trans ered headcanon and my camp counselor ered headcanon#tough being right all the time#i really like that ered and nurf are both trying to become better people#i know they wont treat nurf's quote on quote growth seriously but im so happy to see so much focus on ered#i genuinly never thought this would ever happen im over the moon#ered<3333
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I’m going to make you find out that your old friend who you miss but stopped talking to and grew apart from years ago is wildly more successful than you and realize with sadness that you’re jealous rather than happy for her like you would have been in the old days
#almost poetry#dude she graduated with her bachelors at 19 I’m so proud of her but also I’m a year older and stuck in uni for 2 more years#AND on top of that I have fictional evil scientists instead of a partner#and it makes me feel like a total fuckin failure#I have bad news for everyone: I am NOT secretly skilled at social things or artistic things. I am bad at it all#I run a tumblr blog for threats but like 40% of the threats are actually just me complaining about circumstances#I am not secretly some kind of wizard at anything other than maybe being annoying
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