#hopefully I’ve tired myself out enough to go to sleep now

[quibbs126]

*sigh* and I’m back into “college panic mode” mindset, because I was too damn lazy to do stuff when I should have, and now I can’t build my full schedule because no classes are available, I don’t know what else to fill it with since I don’t really know what I’m doing with core classes, but also I need a lot of hours to make up for me dropping like 7 credit hours last semester, but I don’t know what to fill it with

Not only that but payments are due on the 18th (though from past experience I can be a bit late on that?), and looking it totals to over $7000, so I need a loan but don’t entirely remember how to do loans. And I can’t just ask my mom, since literally last week my dad reminded me to start doing my loans, and I haven’t touched it since tonight when I was thinking about it. I was planning to do it last Friday! And I have no excuse as to why I haven’t been doing it and I don’t want to get in trouble

And classes start in literally a week, less than that since it’s basically the end of the day, and I’m stuck dealing with stuff I should have dealt with back in May, because I’m so damn lazy. But at the same time, I hate thinking about school during break, I hate thinking about school in general, since it just sends me into a panic and I’d rather think or focus on literally anything else

And now I’m stuck here, my eyes tired and wanting to do to sleep, but my brain going on overdrive in a panic over all this, and I just want it to go away

*sigh* I’m sorry, I just need to get this out somehow. I’d ask why college does this to me, but in reality I know I dug my own grave here. I don’t want to be in this mindset, to fear college so much and to sit here, knowing I need to do things but still watching the days tick by, still not doing anything, despite having all the time in the world

*sigh*

[thevoidstaredback]

How To Balance Your Daytime and Nighttime Activities So That You Don't Burn Yourself Out More Than You Already Have

Batman has an insane patrol schedule. Danny knew this, somewhere in the back of his mind, but it was only just settling in for him.

"You're gonna be dead tired tomorrow," he warns Dick, "You were tired for only being out for two hours longer than your new normal, going from sunset to sunrise is gonna knock you out. I can't drive, Dick, so we'll be stuck in Gotham for another day if you pass out."

Dick patted his head with a smile. "I'll be fine. I'll vene bring ya back some Bat Burger, okay?"

Danny blinked. "Bat Burger?"

"You've- You've never had Bat Burger?" Louder, he called to Barbra and Tim who'd just come back from wherever the Cave entrance is with a comm for Danny, "Danny's never had Bat Burger!"

Barbra gasped dramatically. Tim clutched ay imaginary pearls. "You've never had Bat Burger?!"

"That sounds like an exclusively Gotham thing, and I am decidedly not from Gotham."

It was quiet for another moment as the three stared at him. Finally, Dick blinked. "Have you always been Midwestern?"

"As far as I know, why?"

His head tilted slightly to the left. "Your accent just seems..."

"Much more prevalent." Tim finished.

"Yeah, that."

“I don’t know what you guys are talking about. I’ve always talked like this.” A lie. He was hiding his accent from everyone so that tracking him down would be ever so slightly harder. Danny shrugged, “Right, Barbra?”

She shook her head. "No, you leave me outta this. As far as I know, you've sounded like this the whole time and these two are only just picking up on the accent."

Good job, Danny. Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss your way into their hearts.

"Anyway," Barbra continued, holding her hand to Danny, "This is a comm. It'll keep you patched in until we come back up to the manor after patrol. If you get tired of us or when you sleep, just take it out and put it on your nightstand; we'll take it back down in the morning for you."

"Are you sure you don't wanna come to the Cave?" Tim asked.

Danny shook his head, the comm now sitting in his left ear. "Mister Wayne already hates me, I'm not gonna go into his space. Besides, I'm already intruding as it is."

"I just don't want you to be bored."

"It's alright, I'm sure I'll find something to occupy myself with while you guys are out. And, isn't the whole point of me being on comms so that you guys can talk to me?"

"You're right," Dick agreed, "We'll see ya when we get back."

"Alright."

Occupy himself with? Yeah, he's going back to Bludhaven. Another problem he just realized, though: How is Bat Tech going to react to/around Phantom? Danny figures he has about two minutes to figure it out or he's gonna have to bench himself for the night.

There was no one around, so he ducked into the nearest room to transform. It was a quick lightshow, as always, but not enough to draw attention of anyone passing by.

Except Alfred. Alfred probably knows.

Alfred won't tell Bruce, right?

Right?

Probably not.

Hopefully.

Focusing on the comm revealed no static, though there was no sound either. Was someone trying to talk to him already? Hopefully not. That'd be upsetting.

There was a soft crackle before: "Danny, can you hear us?"

Phantom allowed a small smile of victory. "Yeah, loud and clear, Barbra."

"Call me Batgirl right now, okay? Tim's Robin, and, as you know, Dick's Nightwing. And, if you really need him, Bruce is Batman."

"Got it."

"We don't use real names on comms," Robin said, "Do you have something we could call you?"

That's probably a fish for what his hero name used to be. All three of them - Tim, at the very least - were hung up on the 'not anymore' of his denial and it really showed. He could make it easy and tell them to call him Phantom, but he really does not want them finding out his childhood right now. So, "Tutelary."

"'Tutelary'?" Nightwing asked.

"It's Greek," Batgirl said, "Tutelaries are deities or patrons of protection."

"Aw, that's cute," Robin cooed teasingly, "But you aren't doing much protecting from the Manor."

Phantom - is he really ready to give up that name? - blushed green, "Shut up. Protection Spirits are a big deal where I'm from!" Yeah, meaning most people don't actually think they're protecting them, but who really cares about technicalities?

"And that would be..?" Batman spoke up, his voice coming out much more 'gargle glass' over the comms than was probably intended.

Phantom smirked. "The Midwest." Limits options, but not specifically but he figured he could throw them a bone. Though, that's the only one he's giving Mister Wayne.

Speaking of, "I'll try not to be a distraction, Mister Batman sir, but I won't make any promises."

Nightwing, Batgirl and Robin were all sniggering. Batman was quiet for no more than a few seconds. "Stop getting distracted; We're leaving."

"Yes, sir!"

Phantom listened closely, focusing on the Cave below the Manor. Batman and Robin had gotten into some kind of assault vehicle-race car mix and were driving out into Gotham Proper quickly. Nightwing and Batgirl were both on motorcycles, leaving out a different way but just as quickly.

"Have fun out there, you guys."

Nightwing laughed, "We'll bring ya back some Bat Burger."

Part 15 Part 17

Real quick, before you move on, a quick Thank You to @bianca-hooks123 for the idea for Danny's name Tutelary. I hadn't even thought of using that until it was suggested, so thanks <3

[skulla-rxcks]

Because you're mine. {Chapter 2}

previous chapter next chapter

Paring: bangchan!afab reader, ot8! Reader

Rating: explicit (eventually)

Genre: mafia au

Warnings: eventual smut but not in this chapter, referenced kidnapping, slight yandere!chan

!THIS IS PURE FICTION, NOTHING IN THIS IS REAL ITS JUST A STORY!

Chapter 2: velvet sheets

“You’re staying in this room” Chan leads me into a luxurious looking bedroom, it has a queen sized bed with velvet sheets on top. “h..huh?” I Question looking at him, unsure on what is going on. A room this fancy? For me?

“Keep your mouth shut, don’t make a fuss about it. And here; put these on.. NOW.” he shoves a black Lacey nightgown into my arms, turning around as he waits for me to change.

What even is his problem, he literally took me away from the world and is hiding me from the outside it seems.

“I..I’m done..” I mutter, Chan turns around and scans his eyes over my body; smiling slightly as an approval.

“Good. Now stay here, do whatever to keep you busy there’s; books, paper and pens, do something, I’ll be back in a few hours.” He leaves, locking the door before I can utter another word.

My legs feel weak and tired, i start walking, towards the bookshelf next to the large window, looking for some sort of distraction. My eyes scan each book carefully, but nothing ends up peaking my intrest. I sigh, grabbing the first book on the top shelf and heading towards the bed, laying down. Not long after I feel drowsiness creeping into my body, soon after I start falling into an uneasy sleep, hopefully this is all just a bad dream

After about 5 hours or so I wake up to the sound of the bedroom door opening, my eyes still shut but my body reacts to the noise.

it’s Chan, the one who brought me here. He stands in the doorway, observing me. Slowly I open my eyes and sit up. As my vision adjusts to the rooms lighting I notice something about Chan, something strange.. he looks hurt almost. I walk up to him to get a closer look.

“Is.. is that blood? What happened are you okay..?!” My eyes widen in a panic, somethings wrong. Somethings really wrong.

“Shh.. shh please calm down.” He replies, pushing me backwards onto the bed and covering my mouth. I squirm under him kicking my legs around; trying to get him off of me.

“Stop. I’m not going to hurt you. Just be fucking quiet already.”

I listen to his command and do as he says, sitting myself back against the wall.

“Why are you..c-covered in blood..?” My words tremble, as I try to keep myself calm.

“Had to get rid of a few people in my way.”

“Get r-rid of.. what do you.. mean..?”

“Murder. I killed them.”

He mumbles under his breath, looking disappointed to be telling me.

“Wh-…what the actual fuck.”

My body freezes up. He’s killed people.. HE KILLS PEOPLE. I could be next, he’s a random guy who kidnapped me.. I wouldn’t be surprised.

“Look, you’d probably find out eventually so I told you myself. Sweetheart, look at me.” Chan puts his thumb under my chin, making me look at him.

“Like I’ve said, I’m not gonna hurt you, unless I desperately have to BUT, I don’t intend to harm you.”

His words comfort me slightly but I’m still confused. If he doesn’t intend to harm me then why is he keeping me safe? I want answers and I know there is no chance of getting any when he won’t answer me straight away, but I will find out soon enough, hopefully.

“Either way i need you to come with me, there’s some people you need to meet. If I don’t introduce you to them I’m not sure what they’ll do to you.”

He offers me his hand, leading me out of the room. As we Walk down the hall way my eyes lock to his hand, studying the expensive rings as well as the watch he’s wearing, it looks expensive. Hell, everything about him and this place seems expensive.

We make our way to what seems like a dining hall, Chan sits down with me at the long wooden table, squeezing my hand under the table to help me stay ‘calm’.

Not long after several guys sit at the table, most of them looking at me wondering who I am.

“Mmm… who’s this?” One of the men say, he has a decently deep voice with an Australian accent, enough to make me feel weak and uncomfortable at the same time.

Chan clears his throat in response. “She’s mine, isn’t that right, yeah?” He turns to me, squeezing my hand so hard that it’s almost painful, signalling me to say yes in response to the question thrown at me.

“M-mhm..” I nod and pull a slight smile, Chans grip moves from my hand to my thigh, squeezing it tightly. Everyone’s eyes are on us, they’re looking at me with dark eyes; like they’re foxes and I’m their prey.

“Well then, guess I should introduce them already..” he says as he pulls me into his lap.

“So in order from left to right.. Hyunjin, Minho, Changbin, Felix, Seungmin, Jeongin and Han.”

Tears fill my eyes as I stare at the strangers, did they get kidnapped too? No, they’re all in fancy outfits, they couldn’t be. It wouldn’t make sense.

After what feels like 5 minutes of complete silence I decide to speak up,

“So w-what do you guys do for a living? I know you kill people but.. what else? Why?” I say softly, tilting my head with curiosity.

“Chan didn’t tell you already?” The blue haired one speaks up; Felix. “You’re staying with the Mafia right now.”

“wha.. the Mafia? There has to be some sort of mistake I just wanted to go home and I-” I cry out, trying to hold anymore tears from dripping down my cheeks.

“Now if you’ll excuse us.” Chan says bluntly before I get a chance to speak, grabbing my hand he pulls me towards the guest room I was in before

“Why… why me? Out of everyone you could’ve taken!?”

Instead of answering Chan sighs and stares at me before lifting up my chin and kissing me softy, the kiss only lasted a few seconds; his lips were plump and soft making it comfortable. “Hopefully that answers it.” He mumbles walking out of the room, he didn’t say anything after that, the only thing I could hear is the door slamming, leaving me alone and confused.

Why? Why is he doing this? What does he want from me?

[actress4him]

Whumptober 2023 - Day 26 - In Irons

This one is…a little boring, in my opinion, but hey, it’s the third to the last piece I’m writing for this event and I’m just thankful I haven’t completely burned out, only slowed down! Also if you like exhaustion this may not be boring to you at all lol

Taglist: @darthsutrich , @a-series-of-whumpy-events , @ladydani101 , @thingsthatgowhumpinthenight , @annablogsposts

Masterlist

No. 26: “Sometimes I get so tired; I don’t even know myself.” | Working To Exhaustion | “You look awful.”

Contains: lady whump, forced labor, brief and not completely serious sui ideation

.

.

It’s been almost two days since Adelaide last slept. Captain Payne had her on night watch last night, for the second time this week. All the men on board take turns staying up, and it never seems to faze them. She sees them running about the ship the next day as always, shimmying up masts and across ropes like they’re well rested. 

Maybe that makes her pathetic, or dramatic. But as much as she hates the way they look down their noses at her weakness, she is weaker than they are. Before being brought onto this ship, her days were filled with embroidery and supervising the household staff and receiving callers and occasionally going out for a horse ride. 

Now, she spends her time on her hands and knees, scrubbing the deck until her knees are bruised and her back aches. She pulls ropes with muscles that are barely starting to develop and stay constantly sore, and with hands that used to be delicate and pale but are now reddened and covered in blisters. She shoves heavy crates around to make room for more of the Captain’s loot. 

And when she’s done with all of that, if she’s lucky, she’s sent to the galley to chop and stir and tend the coals. Otherwise, it’s back to even more scrubbing.

She can keep up with all of the work most days. But she’s absolutely exhausted at night, collapsing into her hammock and falling asleep almost instantly. That means that, to her, having to stay up all night for watch duty is one of the worst things she can be assigned. It sets her back on all of her tasks the next day, which just causes the Captain to pile even more on her. Her weary, sluggish work a couple of days ago is what prompted him to assign her to night watch again after just one night of sleep, she’s sure of it. 

There are just a few more hours left now until she can sleep, though. He won’t make her stay up two nights in a row. She thinks she might just throw herself off the side of the ship if he did. He’s already had her scrubbing for most of the day, a sure sign of his displeasure with her, so hopefully that will be enough to appease him until tomorrow.

Adelaide puts all of her focus into the rope that she’s coiling. It’s heavy with sea water, and her arms protest each time she lifts it. The salt bites into the blisters that had burst open earlier in the day. But she has to get finished. She can’t be slow, doesn’t need to give the Captain any more excuses to punish her. 

“You look awful.”

Turning her head wearily toward Marshall, she scowls. “That’s no way to speak to a lady.”

The corners of his mouth twitch a little as if he might actually smile. “Sorry. You do look exhausted, though.”

“I am,” she sighs, returning her attention to her work. “But it’s not much longer until I can turn in. I’ll be fine.”

He watches her in silence for a moment. “You know, it’s impressive, what you’re doing here.”

“Coiling rope?”

“No, working on this ship. I know it’s far from what you’re accustomed to, but you’ve jumped in and done what needs to be done. I’ve seen gentlemen of your class fail miserably and eventually get tossed overboard. I don’t believe any of us ever expected you to fare so much better.”

She doesn’t know what to do with that compliment. Succeeding at working on a pirate ship, at surviving a tyrant of a captain, is not something she ever wanted to accomplish, not something she feels proud of. But she appreciates it, nonetheless. Most probably haven’t even noticed how hard she’s working, and certainly don’t care.

“Thank you. I’m only trying to survive.”

“I know you are. But the fact that you have is what’s impressive.” He clears his throat. “When you’re done there, Captain wants you in the galley.”

Adelaide just nods, finishing the last of the rope. Cooking is the easiest task she has, despite how hot it can get. “I’ll go there now.”

She takes two unsteady steps, feet heavy like her boots are filled with lead, and feels the need to reach out for the railing to support herself. Unfortunately, she doesn’t quite reach far enough. Her balance is thrown off, and she stumbles, dizzy and lacking the strength to right herself. 

Just before she falls gracelessly onto the deck, though, Marshall catches her by her arm. “Whoa. Do you need me to walk with you to the galley?”

Frowning, she shakes her head adamantly and pulls her arm away politely but firmly. “No, thank you. I don’t need the Captain seeing me as weaker than he already does. I’m only tired. I told you, I’ll be fine.”

Marshall takes a step back and nods. “Very well. Take care of yourself, Miss Gray.”

[boydepartment]

ive noticed you tend to apologise a lot when youre tired and taking a break 😅 you shouldnt do that. youre a human, of course you'd feel tired sometimes. hope youre taking enough rest and recovering soon, no pressure to take and accept requests.

im sorry your interview went weird, but its good you pulled back the moment you found it sketchy. hopefully youd get a chance to accomplish your dream sometime soon in the future! take care jayjay

-🎄

hi it’s okay 🎄 anon :) i’m gonna use your ask to talk abt something if that’s okay, this isn’t @ you, i pinky promise.

i’m gonna be honest after valentine’s day i might just leave this account ? i don’t think ill delete anything but i just can’t be on tumblr or read any of the content i used to. i talked about it a bit a couple days ago i just want to elaborate more.

it makes me really just idk :/ i don’t like the community at all anymore and it’s been declining my mental for a bit. i love enha and all my people in the different groups i like, but i really really hate how some ppl write them and it just freaks me out REALLY bad. ESPECIALLY RIKI. like fuck some of you guys are so weird bruh…. and shameless. like you have no respect and don’t even on the “it’s not that serious.” you’re fucking weird. period. there’s no reason to make some of the shit you guys say public at all.

it’s been talked abt more recently how dubcon and dark fics are more common now and i can’t keep scrolling past it and seeing it. it freaks me out that people will write about actual people like that especially someone who lived at the receiving end of abuse like that. why would you want someone you love to be put in the situation of the abuser? like it doesn’t click to me and sometimes even scrolling past and seeing the tags and send me into a bad episode so i just can’t anymore. i don’t know how people think that’s okay to push their coping mechanism that’s darker and extremely damaging on an actual HUMAN BEING. coping mechanism or not that’s fucking weird. they may be idols but they are human beings too.

i’ve also had a few asks in my anon that are just straight up rude, demanding, or calling me weird for liking riki at all? like you are attacking the wrong girl i have nothing but respect for him. those anons are just stressing me out aswell and it’s just too much. i’m exhausted constantly being disrespected. tumblr is supposed to be a platform where i can get away and get lost in lighthearted stories and it’s not that for me anymore.

i might come back after i leave on valentine’s day but i need time to actually enjoy kpop like i used to. the fans are ruining it for me and it’s just been making me really depressed. i can’t even go on tiktok sometimes because of the fan bases. i’ve always been very open with you guys and like, i need to pull back from these fan bases and take care of myself. i barely eat, sleep, or enjoy anything anymore(that’s due to offline stuff but being on tumblr doesn’t help any of that at all). i miss having fun and the communities are ruining it.

[chososcamgirl]

HIHIHI SIGMA ALPHA IYA‼️🤗 SOOO ERMM SORRY FOR DISAPPEARING FOR TWO DAYS… I HAVE A LOT OF TESTS THIS WEEK SO I GOT RLLY BUSY 😢😢 I HOPE YR HAVING A VERY SIGMA DAY 🔥🔥 IM GONNA TRY AND MAKE THIS CHECKUP RLLY FIRE TO MAKE UP FOR THE PAST TWO DAYSS

ITS OKAY POOPIE I COULD NEVER BE MAD AT U 🤗💗‼️ WERE BOTH IN THIS TG.. we are A PACK… I HOPE YOUVE BEEN TAKING GOOD BREAKS THO‼️ BEING BUSY IS SO DRAINING SO MAKE SURE TO GET LOADS OF REST TOOO 🐺🙏💪

OKOK SOOO I GOT MY TEST RESULT BACK AND I ACTUALLY KINDA COOKED⁉️⁉️ I CANT BELIEVE I DIDNT FAIL 😭😭 GLAD THO CUS THAT MEANS MY GRADES ARE STILL UP 🆙🔥💪 IM TRYING TO WORK ON A SLEEP SCHED BUT ITS SO HARDD 😢 BUT I HOPE YOUVE GOTTEN MORE SLEEP + STOPPED ACHING

ORNENRNDNF I HAVE PLANS TO DRIVE TO THE MALL WITH SOME FRIENDS AND IM SO EXCITED SINCE ITS BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WENT TO A MALL (had to restrict myself because of my HORRIBLE spending habits.. 😪😪) IM SO HAPPY WHBEBENEJEEN 💪🐺‼️🔥🤗🤗

ITS ALMOSY SJAP WEEKEND… IM SO PUMPED… KINDA SCARED THESE CHAPTERS R GONNA CRUSH ME… IYA IF WE HOOKED UP WITH SUKUNA.. 😡 HE ENEBSBENEBDB WERE GETTING INNNN THE PLOTTT IM SO EXCITEDD FOR THIS SJAP WEEKENDSDD 💪🤗🔥

THESE PAST TWO DAYS WERE NOT SKIBIDI IM LIKE BARLEY MAKING IT THRU BUT HOPEFULLY TMRW WILL BE SIGMA SINCE I HAVE PLANS WITH FRIENDS‼️🤗 I ACIDENTALLY FELL ASLEEP IN A CLASS AND MY TEACHER TOLD MY MOM WHICH RESULTED ME GETRING MY GYATT BEATEN 😢😢 I NEED TO MAKE SURE IM LOCKED IN FOR REAL REAL NOW CUS MY TEACHER IS OUT HERE TO GETTTTTT MY ASSSSS 😖😖😣😫😔😰 AND ALSO I THINK I HABE AN INGROWN TOENAIL OR SMTHING CUS LIKE IT LOWK HURT ASF BUT IT DONT LOOK LIKE IT.. MY FRIENDS WERE POINTING OUT HOW I WAS WALKING WEIRD AND JTS CUS IT HURTS LIKE HELL EVERY STEP 💔💔😩😩 SEND TIPS FOR HOW TO TREAT JT CHAT‼️🔥 I SWEARRR ITS GONNA BE THE DEATH OF MEEE 😢😢

+ ITS TECHINCALLY OCT.4 HERE (2AM) BUTTT ITS CLOSE ENOUGH TO OCT.3RD AND GUESS WHAG DAY IT WAS…. NATIONAL BF DAY (I found out thru all the stories my friends/mutuals were posting 💔) so happy national bfs day toge 😍🥰😘 PLEASE I NEED HIM SO BADDDD

M-m-mahiTOE��? *I utter in disbelief* n-no… this can’t be… iya…. How could you do this to me…. Why….?? *runs away sonbing* 😔😔 not very sigma… (OK TBHHHH.. UNDERSTANDABLE BUT I FUCKING HAtE THAT HO 😡😡😡 I’ll make an exception for you tho iya 🥰🥰😘😘💗💗

OK IK U LIVE WITH THE KANGAROOS BUT HAVE U SEEN THE ELECTION STICKER THIS YESR??? LMAO I LOVE IT SO MUCH CUS WHY IS IT LITERALLY A PIC OF MY FACE??? IF U HAVENT SEEN IT HERE https://www.nytimes.com/2024/09/05/style/michigan-i-voted-sticker-werewolf.html THATS THE LINK TO AN ARTICLE ABT IT BUT JUST LOOK AT THE PICTURE I DONT LIVE IN MICHIGAN BUT I WISH I DID SO I COULD GET THE STICKER 💔

ATOD ANSWERRRR… lowk……. Lighting McQueen 🤗🤤 OR THE BLUE MNM… THEY COULD GET ITTT 😍🤤

OKOKOK QOTD UHH A RANDOM HOT TAKE U HAVE SRY THIS ONES BORING IM TIRED ASF AND HAVE MY LAST EXAM TOMORROW ‼️‼️🔥 WISH ME LUCK + GN (morning for u. 😘)

LOVE U LOTS SIGMA 🤗‼️🐺🙏

-🐺

HI ALPHA!!! 🐺

this is the ask from friday or thursday i believe… but i saw ur other one SO DW IM ANSWERING BOTH😈 ITS OKAY!! don’t feel pressured to send one in every day bc i know it can be a lot but just know ur asks are always appreciated and ily <3

YES i’ve been working for the last 4 days opening and closing basically and it’s so customer orientated like ARGHHSH my body is just exhausted BUT I HOPE UR DOING WELL TOO!! the pack must stick together🙂‍↕️‼️

YESSS I KNEW U ATE… the power of the pack manifested together to make you cook🔥🔥 also omg me and u both have horrible spending habits… i leave my room and i drop $300 on random shit but even if i stay in my room i just go online shopping which is SO BAD like ive spent $5000 in the last two months…. oops!

YAY FOR SJAP WEEKEND!!! NAUR ur teacher is a OPP fr like hello there was no need to tell ur mum😒😒 also THE INGROWN RAIL HELP i hope it heals soon i’ve never had one before so i don’t know the pain💔 SEND REMEDIES CHAT‼️‼️ also i hope the weekend is better for u alpha and i’ll use the power of the pack to manifest next week is better too <3 LMFAO HAPPY NATIONAL BOYFRIENDS DAY TOGE

yes mahito… he is my guilty pleasure in a way… IDK HES JUST SO… idk i can’t explain it.. forgive me pls🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️ LMFAO THE STICKER HELP😭 NO I LOVE IT I WANT IT PLS

AOTD‼️ my hot take is that lychees taste bad🙇‍♀️ IM SORRY THEYRE JUST SO GROSS😭 LMK URS ALPHA!! ILY🫵🫵

[verxn]

Guilty

Description: you guys go on the trip to Italy but it doesn’t end very well

Pairing: Peter Parker x black fem reader

It’s been a while , I didn’t know what to write about please don’t get me 😭 - v

-

They were everywhere…literally everywhere, i couldn’t even turn the corner without seeing them smooching off of each other

We are currently in Italy for a school trip and I kinda regret coming, there’s so much couples everywhere and I cannot seem to escape

Plus looks like Peter is hopping in the bandwagon right behind ned with trying to get with MJ

“What happened to being American bachelors in Europe” I heard peter say to ned

“Dude I’ve changed those were words of a little boy, I’m a man” Ned said to peter

“Jesus Christ Ned you just get a girlfriend now your acting like your some kinda of saint” I said flipping through my engineering book

“Y/n- you weren’t even in this conversation” Ned replied frowning a bit “she’s kinda right through” Peter said to Ned

“Peter you still trying to do that plan?” I looked at him “yeah hopefully I can go through with this without any problems ahead” he said

“When is there never not a problem Peter? Guarantee you might have to pull out the suit” I whispered to him “but anyways enough with the couple talk I can’t stand it” i put my book back in my tote bag

I wore a green tan and brown striped shirt , black slacks with checkered print vans, I put my dreads in a lazy ponytail and I had glasses on even though I could see perfectly fine I just wanted to wear them with my outfit

“Y/n your style is weird” Ned said, I looked up at him “whaddya mean?” He thinks for a moment “I don’t know it’s lazy yet so professional” he added

“Lazy yet so professional? Hm I’ll take it” I said smiling at him “how did you even come up with this style anyway?” Peter said I looked up at him “oh I just had inspiration from certain people” I nodded to myself

“That’s cool, who are those people?” He said curiously “uh- favorite artist like people I listen to” I said to him it was a bit awkward probably because I confessed to him 5 months ago and he sadly turned me down but I moved on …..kinda?

“oh nice nice” he said to me I nodded and folded my arms “well long trip ahead I better go get some snacks” I said to the two and walked away

While I was walking away to one of the random stores I heard “WAIT” I turned around and saw peter running towards me “what the..” I mumbled confused on why he was running towards me

He stopped right in front of me out of breath “are you good?” I said to him “y-yeah I’m fine you just walk really fast” he said to me still out of breath

“yeah I get that a lot” I chuckled to myself “but why did you run over here for ?” “I needed your advice about my plan-” I shucked my teeth and walked away “nope I don’t wanna hear about couples”

-

We arrived at the hotel and everyone else left but, I didn’t feel like going out so I stayed in, plus all that lovey dovey would rub off on me

I sighed and pulled out my phone and started scrolling through social media, but it was filled up with couple posts and pictures of our classmates on the trip

I groaned and turned off my phone “let’s just take a nap” I said to myself, I laid down and got comfortable and drifted off to sleep

-

Knocking woke me up from my nap, I sat up rubbing my eyes “just a moment” I said getting off the bed “what the hell” I said to myself

I opened the door and found peter and Ned standing there “what?” I said clearly tired Ned opened his mouth to speak but I cut him off “wait wait wait, before you start if it has to do with anything couple related I will shut this goddamn door on your face” I said now fully awake

“We got attacked” Ned said “attacked how what?” I said confusedly “actually wait come in” I said opening the door wider so they can step in the hotel room

“What happened?” I said with my arms crossed “some big water giant attacked us” Ned said “thank god that guy was there, without him we’ll be toast” he added

“You got Spider-Man right there what you mean?” I said pointing to peter “did you do anything peter ?” I turned to him

He nodded “yeah I webbed up some buildings so they wouldn’t fall and also held up a tower but it fell” I nodded “okay at least nobody is hurt” i said while sitting down

“But what do you want me to do about this? You guys had to come to me for something” I said looking at the pair

They stared at me

“What…?” I said shifting uncomfortably

“Y/n….can you…”

“Don’t tell me you want me to upgrade your suit” I said grabbing my brown coat

“Listen…I know you only do that if it’s necessary but I really need it” Peter said desperately

I looked at peter “look…I’m sorry but, I have no lab to work in and I didn’t bring my materials with me…I’m sorry Peter” I said looking at him sitting on the bed next to ned

Peter nodded and got up while leaving the room , ned slowly looked back at me and mouthed ‘sorry’ and closed the door behind him

I then plopped down on the bed and held my hands to my face “why the hell would I do that”

[maniacalgenius]

08.26.24*, 08.27.24

*not really but we’ll pretend ;)

hey everyone! was too tired to do a recap of yesterday… well, by the end of yesterday, so i’m doing this little post for yesterday and today. as y’all know, i did not manage to do a recap for every single day last week and i’ve been marinating on how to get myself to more consistently do (hopefully daily?) updates and then maybe a recap of the whole week. can’t quite put english words to these thoughts in my head right now but i’m going to give them a try in practice and see how this week goes.

academic:

🧬 went to all of my classes (going to start including mandatory/bare minimum things in these lists such as going to class to give myself that extra little bit of motivation to do so and be less hard on myself for whatever i don’t manage to get done outside of class)

🧬 finished biochem week 1 notes

🧬 watched biochem pre-lecture video before class today!

🧬 read two thirds of chapter 2 of the micro textbook

🧬 printed out my micro lab protocol for thursday

health:

🌺 ate breakfast today and yesterday! lunch and dinner weren’t that substantial but still existent so it’s fine

🌺 got over 9,000 steps each today and yesterday!

🌺 read… i don’t know which two chapters of Luke but the fact remains i read two chapters of Luke!

personal:

🧚 went to the second rehearsal for my primary church choir tonight! (this is the one that i’ve just joined, but it’s still the primary one because it’s weekly whereas the one i’ve sung for for two years is seasonal)

🧚 went to first Bible study of the year last night, i was there until like 10 so i did not accomplish my goals of starting my shower by 9 and getting in bed by 10 but it was okay.

1. studied in the starbucks in the biochem building after class today and i sat in a chair that was against the wall but also behind the little sugar/straw/trash can ensemble and it was so cozy, like my own little private corner! new favorite spot in that starbucks

2. PRAISE GOD for friends like this!! was pretty anxious today so i texted the Bible study chat and one of the girls texted me individually :) as an added bonus i only saw the notification about the message at first and then opened it to reply and saw the cute little ghost hug gif and went awwww 🥺

3. had a 15 minute walk from the biochem starbucks to the normal biology building where my micro lab is held. normally i would have been sweating profusely (as i do on all of my other treks around campus in the last week and a half) BUT this time it was sprinkling such a light amount to the point that if it had been precipitating any less, it simply wouldn’t have been precipitating at all; so i was getting not even damp but just lightly misted like a delicate plant and it was so much cooler out and so lovely and enjoyable! 12/10 walk

🎶 song on loop: “brighter” — patent pending & “it’s alright” — mother mother. both of these help calm the unfortunate thoughts racing around my head 🙃

📖 current book: still i have some questions for you by rebecca makkai. oh and all the others. send help 🥰

🕰️ time focused: 4 hours and 22 minutes total for today and yesterday. not great but hopefully i will have more time the rest of the week. (she said, as hope disappears over the horizon with its ass on fire)

target tasks for tomorrow:

~ finish reading micro chapter 2

~ micro notes for last week

~ watch genetics pre-lab video

~ read chapter 1 in genetics lab manual

~ watch biochem pre-lecture video for thursday

i have nothing tomorrow but class from 9:10-11:10 (genetics lecture, followed by choir) and then genetics lab at 5 so hopefully that block of time will be enough to get all that done.

very tired. shower and then sleep. night night everyone

xx

[n04hfiction]

hi, if you don’t mind could i get a romantic matchup?

i’m 5’2 and i’m pretty average when it comes to weight. i have messy medium auburn/black hair, it’s kinda wavy, and i wear glasses. i don’t think i have a specific style, i’m definitely very eclectic, but i think i definitely dress more masc. the same could be said abt my music taste it’s definitely all over the place as well but i definitely listen to indie and kpop more than anything.

i love love love anything that’s horror related, best believe if a new horror movie is abt to come out i’m going to see it, i also have a strange interest in bats, jellyfish, sharks, and ferrets. i’m very into reading and writing, though i’m too self conscious to share any of it, and i love singing. i’d consider myself an ambivert but i’m more on the introverted side of things. i’m usually really quiet and i don’t speak much, i enjoy sitting in silence w the ppl i love. it takes me a while to warm up to ppl but once i do the whole quiet thing kind of just disappears and i become very loud.

my main love language is physical touch and i absolutely adore hugging ppl but i am very picky w who i touch and who i let touch me. i’m also a sleepy person so i’m constantly whining abt how tired i am or i’m just constantly sleeping. i can be really cold one second and really sweet the next, it’s kind of a hard thing to control. i’m genderfluid, bisexual, and i’m pretty sure i fit somewhere on the asexual spectrum (idk yet i’m trying to figure it out 😭).

i’ve been super into psychology for abt six years now, so i’d say it’s a special interest atp. i love learning languages and even though i only know two at the moment i’m trying to learn portuguese and italian and hopefully i’ll be learning more. i absolutely adore stuffed animals especially when they’re soft enough for me to sleep w. i’m very big on iced coffee and anything spicy. i also really enjoying anything that has to do w hair, be it dyeing or cutting, just anything.

hopefully this is enough bc lord knows i’d keep going, thank you!!

hello!! i ship u with karl!!

yall will watch a horror movie and he will cling to you the whole damn time xD but when you ask him if he’s scared he’ll be like “what what are you talking about :3”

encourages you heavily to share you creative works to like the internet or smth, he loves giving his feedback :)

cuddles with karl are just sjsjsjjs. especially cuz your like 9 inches shorter than him xD

[pink-booty-butts]

Grape-Flavored Apologies (Ariel Conroy x Reader)

(i love this gif sm <33)

Pairing: Ariel Conroy x gn!Reader

Word Count: 574

Summary: Ariel feeds you grapes

Warnings: Ariel being a bit mean, and spicy allusions at the end! ;) Also I wrote this in like 5 minutes so its probs not super great, not proofread etc etc all the writing excuses. I just really wanted to write this before I forgot the scenario I had in mind! :)

A/N: this is my treat to myself in between requests haha, I promise if you’ve requested something I’m working on it!! Inspired by convos with @jamiewintons ​and @notwhateveriwasbefore​ <33 you both!

———

“—and then, oh my god you’re not going to believe what happened next. I know, I got hurt but I promise it wasn’t my fault that—“ you were abruptly cut off by the sensation of a small, round object being slid into your mouth by your boyfriend’s fingers. You raise an eyebrow inquisitively as Ariel slowly retracts his fingers from your mouth, wiping them on a napkin before using them to pop a grape into his own. Stunned into silence, you couldn’t think of how to respond other than chewing the grape he placed there. He was supposed to be tending to your injuries from your unfortunate trip to the grocery store, where did these grapes come from?

“Babe,” he says while finishing the last of his grape, picking up another one in two of his fingers and inspecting it carefully as he spoke. “You know I love you, and I tolerate a lot of your recklessness and borderline stupidity as a result.” Before you have time to protest, Ariel presses said grape against your lips.

He doesn’t force it in like earlier, but the dangerous look in his eyes lets you know there will be serious consequences if you don’t comply with his wishes. His eyes narrow, clearly disapproving of your hesitancy. You part your lips slightly—just enough for him to slide it in your mouth—before he continues.

“But nothing you say about what happened matters. There’s no convincing to be done; you’re not going anywhere without me from now on and that’s final.” Ariel eats another grape lazily, looking at you with challenging-yet-tired eyes. You knew he looked tired because he always did—spending too much time staring at his computer and not enough getting some sleep—but the way he was looking at you right now made you feel small; like a child being scolded by their parents. As the remainder of the second grape slides down your throat, you take a chance to speak again.

“Ariel, sweetheart,” you gulp, trying to put on your best pleading face to hopefully tug on his heartstrings. “Wouldn’t that be annoying for you though? I mean constantly having to take me places and—“

“I’ve always thought you were gone too much anyways,” he dismisses you nonchalantly, glancing over his handiwork on your injures before packing up the first aid kit in his lap.

“But Ariel, babe. I-I can take care of myself—“

“Clearly, you can’t,” he spits out, slamming down the lid of the first aid kit. “If I had been there, none of this would’ve happened. This kind of thing always happens when I’m not with you.”

“But I can’t just, stay in the house all day and wait for you to be done with work. I mean, I just—I get too restless,” you attempt to reason, but when you glance up from your lap and into his eyes, you know you’ve already lost.

“Don’t worry babe, I’ll keep you plenty busy. You’ll be so tired you won’t even think about going outside,” he smirks. He picks up another grape and puts it into his mouth. He leans back in his chair, eyeing you up and down as he chews slowly. He pauses for a moment after swallowing it, expecting you to defend yourself once again. When you don’t, Ariel smiles triumphantly; pleased with your silence as an indirect admission of his victory. “Now, get on your knees so you can apologize properly this time.”

[danbisroom]

Ep. 17 - If I can meet you beyond the seasons, could I call your name?

Hello my beloved fellow souls,

welcome back to Danbi’s Room, your weekly dose of safe space. Go grab a cup of something warm and get yourself cosy.

I must start with apologies since I disappeared for the past three weeks. I am very sorry, it was a rather difficult time for me, I made some life-changing decisions and I struggled a lot with my mental health. Now I feel better, I’m recovering and facing new things, and, honestly, this feels like a good, big breakthrough. I’ve never felt this fragile and vulnerable in my entire life, my heart is completely bare and as and as frightening as it can be it also feels like a fresh start. I can finally blossom and shine and actually be myself, stripping myself off of the countless burdens that have been stored inside my souls since before I was born. It’s difficult and tiring but I can do it, now, I’m ready. I got some very nice people, some right beside me, some afar, but nonetheless, I know we fill each other with love. Even when it’s hard, even when it’s scary, even when we only want to give everything up. Sometimes you just want to run away, run away from the world, run away from yourself. But run…where to? Where can you go? Is there a safe place anymore? Where do we go now? It seems like the only shelter can be nothingness. Blacking out every three days and sleeping for a year until, hopefully, we can wake up brand new. Then again what’s there to miss when the sun isn’t bright anymore, when it doesn’t caress your cheeks, when you can’t feel the seasons shifting, inside and outside of you. Why bother?

I don’t know.

I don’t have an answer.

I wanna bother because I still want to eat snacks watching Ghibli movies on Sundays, I still want to read stories together and talk about them for hours, I still wanna swim into the sea. These are the small things that make my life worth living. Hopefully, one day, I will get to laugh with my husband about how awkward we were on our first date and I will be able to witness the crazy colour era on my teen-age kids. Maybe I will pick my own tomatoes sipping lemon water among morning dew. I love these little things with all my heart, little things that are like fireflies at dusk in your flower garden. They serve no goals, they’re not slaves to human greed, they’re just beautiful and lovely. Often we hear we shouldn’t rely on little things, we’re told other people can’t be the reason we live and smile. So why should we live then? What other grandiose meaning is there? As much as my ambition demands bits of my souls every day, as much as it eats me alive, I’m still aware that even the Pyramids will turn into colossal wrecks buried by the sand of the desert. How many empires have we forgotten already?

So why should we live? Just to live. Just to experience and cherish these small things occasionally surrounded by revolutions. We already have enough pain, too much to be so eager to inflict more on ourselves. We’re constantly mourning the options we haven’t chosen and there’s no escape from that. But at the end of the day we must get to tomorrow, even if crawling while being hit by a thunderstorm. I’ll do it, so I can feel the wind of October kissing my skin once more.

You can always call my name and I’ll call yours until we find each other, finally being side by side, forever, even when we are specks of dust floating in the universe, I hope we can float together. And then we can form a new star together and shine for a long time until time doesn’t exist anymore. That would be nice.

A nice little thing.

Today’s song recommendation is 白日 (Hakujitsu) by King Gnu. Pure poetry delving into these questions and matters.

I hope you enjoyed this episode and that you have a beautiful week ahead of you!

I’ll see you in the next one, big hug!

With love, yours,

Danbi

[permanentconundrum]

10/04/23

I’ve decided I want to get faster at writing so I am going to blog a few days and try to make a practice of it. I worked on my writer resume tonight. It’s already 9pm. I am kind of tired. Listening to old school indie music. Still no job yet, since August 2022. It might be weird to go back to work. I’ll need to make sure I can wake up early. Read a little philosophy this afternoon. I should check the news in the NYT. I haven’t been paying close attention recently. I talked to a recruiter about a few jobs but they don’t pay great. In the first half of 2022 I started looking at work because I wanted to take the next step. Now I’m taking a step back perhaps. That’s what happens when you don’t work for over a year. I have had time for poetry though. That’s been good. I hope to finish some poems. Read some sad poems in the October issue of Poetry Magazine, but I think poetry is a great place for difficult topics. Reminds me to pray for others, and know someone somewhere is having a difficult time. You aren’t alone in this. I think it’s important to remember those who are suffering. You aren’t alone in this. I kind of want to look at art more. I want to read more too. I read some last night, the October issue of Poetry. The Decemberists are on the radio. I’m thinking about how to manage myself so that I don’t run myself out of energy. Sometimes you need to not use all your energy in one activity so you can focus elsewhere as well. I have a running goal to lose weight by the end of 2023. Send positive vibes. I want to look more like a runner. I pass quite a few runners in town driving around. Running is a big goal. Poetry is too, but I need to find a job so I can pay bills. I’m watching my diet again. I didn’t watch it last week really. It’s rough. I have trouble getting to the gym 7 day/wk. But maybe I just need to build the habit. It is incredibly important to my health. Where do I want my life to go? I want to be a senior engineer. Or I want enough money to buy a car and go to NYC every year. I want to pay off school debt. Yeah, the job is the money, but it can be fun or at least important. It is work. Somehow I want energy to write too. And read. So more writing and reading and less TV. I want to read more too. Having a job will take energy, but I don’t need to commit myself to 10hour days every day. I hope to get interviews for the jobs I applied to today. I also should apply to more. Maybe tomorrow I won’t sleep through the afternoon and be able to work on more submissions. I could stay up later tonight because I haven’t been able to fall asleep very well. I am watching my energy and mood and healthy habits this month. October has been difficult in the past. I don’t know if it’s from burn out at work or just an affect of the season. I have been pretty happy in Spring and Summer this year. I think I don’t like the sun setting soon. Maybe I will take a drive tomorrow and look at leaves. This blog is all over the place but it’s fine. I wish I didn’t have to be so careful about with things like mood and energy. I do need more daily focus on diet and exercise. I’m hoping to get to the gym 5 days this week. Both today and yesterday were good runs. Tomorrow I’m going for a speed work out. Twins won their wildcard game to progress in the playoffs. Watching the news now. But the gym is very important to me. I need to keep the habit building weekly and daily. I am excited about making progress with running. Longer durations and more mileage and hopefully higher speed. I will stretch tonight. I’ve been feeling sore today. I used a couple weight machines in addition to my treadmill workout. Not all the machines, I was not feeling the weights today. I have a few goals longer term, but I should think about shorter term goals. I did hit a distance target about a week ago. Maybe I should try to tack on half a mile to that distance. I need to think about what to do for easy run. I guess easy should just be easy, and push on the hard efforts, like speed work and long runs.

[revoltinglittleworm]

Just a life update Capricorn style

Sorry if this isn’t under the cut i tried :O

For the past like 2 years I’ve been wanting to quit my job so badly LMAO but it’s a good gig and i get paid decent and have time…

But I haven’t been working on my stuff enough, mostly because I usually work 6 days a fucking week… ugh… but I’m trying to start taking Fridays off, because i have a sewing class on Saturdays now!! I’m a little afraid I’m gonna dread it every Saturday bc of exhaustion, but i know this is going to be good for me to learn the basics of sewing and to get good at it. I am excited because i have so many designs of clothing i wanna make and nooo idea how to even get started on them because i don’t know enough at all.

Other than that I’ve really been loving my music lately and i feel like it’s improved soooo much over the past couple years. I’m really proud, honestly! I’ve been vibing with my recent stuff and it actually excites me to hear what I’m gonna make next, u know.

I’ve been looking for ways out of my job because i want to just CREATE and have fun all the time and be doing what i loveeee ugh. I’m thinking once i am a better seamstress i can start selling my clothing and accessories under my fallen scrub brand. I really do have such a vision for it it’s just about bringing it to life. And i honestly cannot wait for that!! I’m just so so tired all the damn time… it’s awful. I need to be at home working so badly, and hopefully taking the time off on Fridays will help. Working over time and still having to come home to work on my art has been way too difficult to keep up with…

I’m hoping to sell my stuff at a pretty reasonably high price, just because its gonna be independent designer stuff plus one a kind u know… and i am really taking inspiration from the independent brand mad morpho… i find their stuff to be so amazing and in the realm of what i wanna create.

My dream right now is to just be making clothes all the time as my full time job and shipping them and branding them ugh it sounds soooo fun. And then after work I’ll just be doing my music and learning guitar. And speaking of guitar!! I’ve been practicing again, and really wanna be doing it regularly. It’ll be easier once i have more time. I get home from work and just wanna sleep :/ but I’ve been teaching myself so much lately and I’m proud of what I’ve learned, i just need to be consistent. Anyway.

That’s the update lol i needed to type it up somewhere.

[regular-lord-reckoner]

so seriously one of the hardest things for me right now is like...i completely understand that if i ever hope to have any sort of positive connection with another human being that i need to be able to clearly and concisely communicate what my needs are because that just makes sense and that’s what i expect from others because i’m not a mind reader and neither is anyone else

however !!!

i really cannot emphasize enough how much i have no idea what i’m doing here

and how this isn’t something i’m going to just figure out overnight

or in a couple of therapy sessions

or even after a few good nights of sleep

i’ve had a lifetime of running up against and all over what my actual boundaries and limits were so i have no clue

and i keep trying to just start at zero and work my way up and set the pace for myself, but it feels like that’s not good enough

i feel like if i can’t be the same person i used to be then i’m not going to stop being poked, prodded and prompted to do so until i give in

like already when i go non-verbal nobody can just...let me have that

i’ve said over and over and over again it happens because i get overstimulated

meaning i am being inundated with too much stimuli

i don’t need positive stimuli to counteract that

i need none

zip, zero, cero, zilch, nada, nothing

and then, in my own time, when i’ve had a second to calm down i can maybe be more like my old self

or my new self, whichever is the one people will be least annoyed by, i guess

but that’s the other part of it too where it’s like...the more i go through this process the more i realize the real me is just not someone anyone is going to like or want to be around

i’m way too sensitive, i’m too emotional, i don’t process things quickly enough, i don’t have any hobbies or special interests or really anything interesting at all to ever talk about and the one thing i was good at, being a clown, is just not something i have the energy for anymore

i cannot smile and laugh and rant and rave or whatever it was i used to do all the time

i’m just a big stupid baby who cries every day and feels like every single social interaction i have is akin psychological warfare because i like i don’t know anything anymore and i don’t want to put the burden on anyone else of having to constantly reassure me that everything’s fine because i know how annoying that is, so i try to just sit and process and work through everything on my own but it feels non-stop and like i never get to fully catch my breath

everything is either being overwhelmed or recovering from being overwhelmed and it doesn’t feel like there’s ever any room for me to just....be

i have nothing to offer anyone and i know that shouldn’t really feel like some big loss because it’s not like i really did before anyway, but just...fuck, i’m so tired

i’m trying so hard to get through this process as quickly as i possibly can so that i can give everyone an exact detailed itinerary of how to handle me, but i realize i’m not moving fast enough and i don’t know what else to do about that except just try harder, i guess

i’m going to try to sleep and hopefully feel better tomorrow

[owltypical]

super long dump post about various irl things

a coworker of mine passed away at the beginning of the week. he’d actually left the company back in september, so i hadn’t seen him in several months, and i wouldn’t say we were super close, but. he was on my team, and we saw each other and talked and interacted and spent time together at work hangouts pretty much constantly over several years.

he was only 29. not sure how it happened, just that we heard from his family that it had, and his memorial page and viewing/funeral times were shared with us. it was definitely a great shock to us, i hid myself in the bathroom for a bit and cried. hadn’t cried properly in a long time due to my brain meds, so i had a sadness headache for a couple days.

he was a very pleasant, polite, and nice young dude. politics rarely come up at work though i knew he came from a religious catholic conservative background, but he was pretty socially conscious and angry/disillusioned about a lot of the shit he saw going on; i saw him grow from those roots over that time and i wonder how he’d turn out in the end if he’d been given proper time to finish growing. one of the kindest, most patient phone voices i ever heard.

it sucks so extra hard when somebody suddenly dies young like that. technically he was already out of my life when it happened, but that’s the closest to someone’s death i’ve been in ages, possibly ever, other than i suppose my cousin who passed away a few years ago. i’ve never been to a funeral, the few deaths i’ve encountered have been very distant and slightly unreal, even with family. but this was someone i knew and saw irl and who was part of my everyday life for quite a while; now he’s just suddenly gone, he’s ceased to exist. just memories and pictures.

literally the next morning after that another of our team members had some sort of medical episode at work; paramedics came and took her away in an ambulance. not sure what happened, she seems to be fine now thank god, but it was very scary at the time. that one-two punch in less than 24 hours made for a very mentally and emotionally strained week for us; so far 2023 for me has been kind of muted and spent grieving.

speaking of brain meds: started a new mixed dosage of stuff just today. the previous prescription was helping, but not enough, and had side effects that i felt were hampering my progress elsewhere. hopefully this new combo works out! i want more energy during the day, i want to sleep better at night, i want to have this dumb brain in a more orderly shape. i want to feel artistic and draw again.

not sure what i’ll do if i start feeling better about art again, though. i keep fretting that i just don’t have it in me to do big detailed print-ready longform comic stories, and never really have, despite how many times i’ve tried over the years. maybe i really do just need a partner to work with, i don’t know. i’m also second-guesing myself about the overall setting of outliers. i was always very tickled by weird/background stuff in comic book superhero settings since my youth, but the last few years i’ve completely soured on exactly that; the absolute glut of comic book movies and tv series have been overwhelming and tiring and obnoxious, it’s made me very jaded about the whole thing. and i don’t want to be seen as part of riding on that particular bandwagon either.

kind of trying to figure out what the hell to do in general. i make enough to survive just fine, but not enough to actually grow or go anywhere or make any real changes. affordable housing is nonexistent these days, absolutely everywhere, not just the places i would actually be interested in moving to. wages suck, everything costs way more now, good luck getting where you’d like to go without selling a few organs and cramming into some hole with three other equally desperate roommates. i’d donate plasma but apparently one of my arms has bad invisible veins so i got told to go away.

it’s real existential crisis times over here, i guess. i’m less than two years away from 40 now; i thought i had more time to figure some things out but an injury and good ol’ covid stole a large chunk of my prime 30s away from me. i want to move and improve my station in life, but how? i want a partner, but dating’s hard, especially the older you get and especially when you’re ace. i want to draw, but i worry that i don’t truly have the stamina and time to do everything i want to do, and that i’m running out of time in general. it’s stupid, i know it’s just youth-oriented culture and the world’s aggressive ageism messing with me, but it’s hard to feel like the countdown to 40 isn’t some sort of doomsday clock terror. too late for love, too late for family, too late for careers and making something of myself artistically. brains are stupid.

well. here’s to the brain in question getting better via updated meds, and here’s to 2023 having something good happen during it, i suppose. i hope.

[the-duckless-pond]

Sigh. Its been a rough one, diary. Well, that’s not entirely true. My day started out going really well! Then it all started going sideways about two hours ago and now I’m trapped on the couch in a prison of inability to start tasks. I don’t know what to do. I made my favorite coffee because I told myself I don’t get to sleep until my homework is done. Seriously. I don’t even have that much, it just FEELS like a lot because I am trapped in this prison.

I took a break from writing this to drink my coffee. Here’s what is on the agenda for the evening:

- dinner

- 3 pages Japanese homework and corrections

- 300 words French essay

- shower

It is about 6:30pm. I got home from having lunch with my friend at 3, and have been trapped trying to get started ever since. I guess I could start with dinner. I wanted to make spaghetti but that takes a while and with how late it is and how much I need to do I don’t feel like I have the time anymore. I would have needed to start like an hour ago to feel comfortable. So I guess it’s another microwave meal night. Sigh. Maybe tomorrow. I’ll try again tomorrow (for reference I have been trying to do this all week).

I was going to shower after dinner and then settle in to do my homework, but now I feel like that will make me too relaxed and I need to wake up. So now I’ve got more caffeine that I just grabbed. I guess I will do homework first and then shower.

Truly, even if I only get one thing done this evening, as long as it is my French essay, it will be a success enough. Maybe that should be my goal instead of doing all the things. I’m clearly struggling now so I guess I’ll adjust for my mood and capabilities.

New goals:

- dinner (do NOT order out)

- French essay

- shower

That feels much more doable than switching to another language immediately. I had actually wanted to get this essay done on Tuesday, but I was very focused on actually attending class instead of depression skipping and decided I would wait. Then I got stressed with Japanese homework all week and my depression acting up. Then I tried on Friday but I was very tired from cleaning and everything all day. And so I did nothing. And now here I am, due date 11:59pm tomorrow, struggling to write what feels like a very short essay. Its not even the writing that is hard, it is the getting started. Like all the steps. Maybe if I write them down I can do some of them to get going?

1. get laptop from table and bring to couch

2. turn on laptop

3. open essay doc with prompt

4. write

5. proof read and edit

6. submit

Okay. After writing that list I got up and got my laptop so now it is next to me. I also turned on the light because it is starting to get dimmer in here. Also I put my wax melter tray in the freezer so that I can empty it and use it while I work because that sounds nice. I can take it out in maybe twenty or thirty minutes and it should be good, but I am hoping to have started before then.

My grocery order is about to arrive so once that is all done and put away I will turn on my laptop. I know for a fact that it is fully charged because I did that yesterday morning. So I don’t have to worry about that. After I turn on my laptop I will have a quick dinner. Then I’ll check on my wax melter tray thing, and hopefully it will be ready by then.

Groceries about to be at my door. Opening my laptop and turning it on.

It was already on!! So I opened the doc and now it is ready to go.

Update, groceries delivered and put away. I guess I’ll go try now.