#he deserves to have a breakdown over questioning his own nature. as a treat <3

[lorebird]

In which Ford struggles so badly to relate to other people that he wonders if he’s really human at all. The more isolated he becomes, the harder it is to reconcile with his own humanity.

[quickspinner]

Month of Miracles Day 8 - Uncertainty

Find the prompt list here!

Hallmark Movie AU Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 (end) | Read Month of Miracles on AO3

Marinette had a lot of experience with embarrassment, and she was well aware that no matter how much she wished it, the odds of the earth opening beneath her and swallowing her up were pretty slim. In fact, at this point in her life she was pretty sure that if it ever did happen, it would be while things were going perfectly fine, just to spite her. 

So as she stood on the sidewalk outside of the library, peeling a sticky bow off her forehead (and probably a perfectly square section of her foundation with it, which she was sure would look just great), trying not to look at the very attractive rock star (former rock star?) beside her, she was annoyed but not surprised that the ground remained solid under her feet.

“Well,” Luka sighed, “I guess since Rose is paying...can I take you to lunch?”

“I, um—” Marinette began, and then shivered, grabbing her arms as the wind suddenly cut through her. 

“Here,” Luka said, and Marinette finally looked at him. He was holding her coat open for her, waiting. He was already wearing his. “Marinette?” he asked when she didn’t move immediately, and Marinette jumped.

“Oh, thank you,” she said, hastily jamming her arms into the coat. It was harder than it should have been, since she still had the big stick-on bow in her hand, and her internal screaming grew louder as Luka continued to hold the coat patiently until she finally got her hand through the cuff. She jammed the bow in her pocket as she turned towards him with a grateful, if embarrassed, smile as she began buttoning the coat. “Um, thank you, but I’m sure you have things to do, and, well Rose didn’t exactly give you notice there, so if you need to, um, go, I understand.”

Luka gave her a slow smile. “Well, since one of the things I have to do is eat lunch, I’m not going to turn down a slice of Sally’s pie on Rose’s dime. And since she kind of played us both here, I think she owes you one too. Unless you don’t like pie?” 

“I love pie,” Marinette blurted, and had to stop her hand from flying to cover her mouth. 

“Well, okay then. Let’s get some pie.” Luka gestured, and Marinette found herself walking alongside him. “Maybe some soup, too. Sally’s tomato bisque is amazing when it’s cold outside.” 

Marinette made a noise that she hoped sounded like agreement. What on earth was she doing? Didn’t this make it look like she wanted to go on a date with him? What if he thought Rose was acting on Marinette’s behalf?

A touch on her arm jolted her out of her spiral. “Are you all right?” Luka asked gently, slowing down his walk. “Look, I know Rose is...a lot. I didn’t mean to enable her pushiness, so if you’re not comfortable—”

“No!” Marinette exclaimed quickly, and then sighed. “Well...yes, a little. Not she’s a lot a little, but I’m a little. Uncomfortable, I mean. N-not that you did anything, or...um…” She clamped her teeth together and fought the urge to scream.

“It’s just that this is a little awkward, because Rose has all the subtlety of a brick to the head and now we’re both trying to pretend that we don’t know we were set up?” Luka smiled, and Marinette actually laughed a little bit despite the vivid blush she was sure was spreading over her face.

“Yeah, kinda,” she admitted, hunching her shoulders. 

Luka shrugged. “Well, we could bail on lunch, walk away and pretend none of this ever happened, and hope that we never see each other again. Buuuuut this is a pretty small town, and avoiding people here is hard, so the chances of recurring awkward are high.” 

“Good point.” Marinette winced. “Um...what are our other options?”

“Well, I’m personally a big fan of just embracing the awkward.” Luka gave her a lopsided smile that looked nothing like his posters. “So I propose that we go have lunch, no pressure and no expectations, ask all the questions we’ve been dancing around until now, and see if we can’t just power through the awkward and come out friends—or at least acquaintances that can greet each other on the street without combusting from embarrassment.”

Marinette laughed. “That...that actually sounds like a plan.” 

Luka’s lopsided smile turned into a grin, and in that moment she could see a flash of the rock star she remembered. 

It was a short walk to the café (it was a short walk just about anywhere on Main Street, really), and before she had quite recovered from that grin, Luka was holding the door open for her and waving her through. 

“Hi, Sally,” he said as he followed her into the café. “Where should we sit?”

“Anywhere you like, hon, just don’t take up the big tables,” Sally replied absently, preoccupied with something behind the counter. “Your usual?”

“Am I so predictable?” he sighed, leading Marinette to a small booth near the windows. 

“You are when it’s this cold out,” Sally laughed, looking up, and noticed his companion for the first time. “Nice to see you again Marinette! Do you need the menu?”

“I’ll have what Luka’s having, actually,” Marinette said, blushing a little as she slid into the seat across from Luka. “Now that he’s talked it up I have to try it.” 

“Sure thing, hon. Tea instead of coffee for you though?”

“Yes please,” Marinette replied quickly, shrugging out of her coat. She raised a self-conscious hand and touched the spot on her forehead where the bow had been, glancing at her reflection in the window. 

“Rose’s treating today, so make it the big bowl please,” Luka called, and got a good natured wave from Sally to indicate she’d heard him. He turned his attention back to Marinette, and she tried not to squirm.

“So,” Luka said, slipping out of his coat and stuffing it into the corner beside him. “Do you want to start?” 

“Why did you retire?” Marinette blurted, and covered her mouth. 

Luka winced. “Wow, right out of the gate.”

“I’m sorry,” Marinette backpedaled frantically. “You don’t have to answer that.”

“No, it was a fair question,” Luka sighed, sitting back and tapping his fingers lightly on the table as he thought. Marinette bit her lip, feeling terrible for asking, but also really wanting to know. 

“Sometimes you take a chance, and things don’t work out,” he said finally. “But...sometimes they do work out, and then you find out it wasn’t actually what you wanted in the first place. I love the music, I thought I loved performing, but that whole lifestyle just...didn’t work for me.” 

Marinette wasn’t sure what to say to that, and was grateful that Sally arrived just at that moment with her tea and Luka’s coffee.

“Okay, my turn,” Luka said, leaning his elbows on the table. “Why are you here? In this town, I mean. No offense, but you kind of stick out.”

Marinette made a face. “The real reason? My mother thought I was on the verge of some kind of breakdown, so she conspired with my grandmother to guilt me into taking a vacation. As if all my problems aren’t still going to be there when I go home.” She glanced up at him, gathered her courage, and said, “Why are you here?”

“My family is here,” he said, pushing the salt shaker around on the table absently. He leaned back as Sally came to slide two bowls of soup on the table. Luka thanked her, and then looked back at Marinette. He gave that lopsided grin again at the slight pout she was aiming at him, and gave in. “So it was the logical place to come when I decided I needed to figure out what I really wanted out of life.”

Marinette raised her eyebrows. “And did you?”

Luka shrugged. “It’s a process, but...yeah, I think I’m on the right track.” He raised his eyebrows back at her. “What was stressing you out so bad at home?”

“My boss,” Marinette groaned, as they both picked up their spoons. “There’s so much she can do for me in the industry but she’s so rude and mean. The words constructive criticism seem to have no meaning for her. It’s like she expects me to read her mind and fix things without any guidance. Why did she hire me, if she hates everything I do so much?” Marinette stirred her soup listlessly, and then finally tried some. She smiled at Luka. “This is good.” His mouth was full but he aimed a wink at her in lieu of an I told you so. “So why a Christmas tree farm?” she asked.

Luka shrugged. “I don’t even really know myself. When my mom bought it I thought it was just another one of her crazy whims, and that she’d sell it again before the next season even came around. But, turns out she likes the farm, and she likes the town, and she runs a kayak rental during the summer that keeps her adventuring spirit satisfied. I still expect her to up and leave with practically no notice someday, but for now she seems happy. Make sure you try the toast on the side, by the way, it’s amazing.” He tilted his head slightly. “Why does Christmas hate you?”

Marinette had to take a moment for that one, taking her time with her next spoonful of soup. Luka didn’t press her, just went on eating his own.  “I’ve never had much luck with Christmas,” she muttered, and then felt like he deserved more of an answer than that. “Not every Christmas, some were fine, but some were...just times when I found out that people weren’t the friends I thought they were. Then last Christmas...” She hesitated, feeling foolish. “My boyfriend dumped me,” she said finally, and then blushed. “It sounds really stupid and pathetic when I say it out loud, and it’s not like he did it on Christmas or anything like that, but...” She shook her head.

“But now it’s Christmas again and you’re having a hard time separating the season from the memories?” Luka suggested. Marinette nodded. 

“My ex, he’s...kind of famous,” she admitted, “And now he’s back in the news because he’s got a new girlfriend, and there’s rumors there’s going to be an engagement announcement soon, and we work in the same industry so we’re still part of some of the same circles, and...yeah.” She shrugged and looked down, eyes suddenly stinging. “It just kind of feels like Christmas isn’t on my side this year either.”

“Hey,” Luka said, reaching across the table to catch her hand. Marinette looked up at him, startled, and he smiled. “What kind of pie do you want?” 

His hand was rough, but warm from where it had been wrapped around his coffee, and for a moment she could only stare at him. He has kind eyes, she thought. 

She hadn’t seen that on his posters, either.

“Blueberry,” she managed to say, and it wasn’t as hard to smile back at him as she thought it would be. 

Fiction Master Post | Month of Miracles

[opalmaplehibiscus]

Notice After They’re Gone

HC on how Jamil and Kalim’s friendship became after Chapter 4

·       After Obing, Kalim realizes how Jamil must’ve felt while having to suppress himself from wanting to become higher this whole entire time, and starts to subconsciously distance himself from him

·       Jamil wouldn’t think much about it and would think in his head that he finally gained his freedom and it’s about time too. In fact he would appreciate it and feel like he gotten ridden a hindrance

·       Kalim would start becoming closer buddies w/ Yuu/MC and grim, hanging out with them more. He might annoy the 1st year crew, but Yuu/MC wouldn’t mind

·       Yuu/MC and Kalim would’ve gotten closer to each other to the point that Kalim spills out everything he suppressed and have a good crying session

·       Kalim would also get closer to the Octavinelle trio, Floyd being the one to get dragged in his chaos while Jade chaperones and Azul recounts his profit seeing how his business boomed after Kalim lended a hand

·       Jade and Floyd likes innocence and naivety? Oh heck no. Sorry, that’s gross. But when it comes to Kalim, he makes life a whole lot more interesting so they wouldn’t mind becoming closer to him. Heck they would probably try to make Kalim into a bad boy. (we all know how that’ll turn out though)

·       While Kalim is going around making friends, Jamil starts his conquest to get 1st place and achieve his goals

·       He wouldn’t hold back when taking tests and turning in assignments. Like excuse me, see that 100%? Yeah, that’s mine.

·       It would be a lie to say that it didn’t triggered Azul and Riddle. Azul would try get Jamil into making deals with him while Riddle starts seeing Jamil as a rival for 1st place. He can see his spot getting taken during finals and heck no, momma didn’t raise a quitter!

·       But of course, Jamil would be facing backlash from majority of the school. After all, the whole incident went live on magicam. And it was during winter break too. Who wouldn’t watch it?

·       The whole Scarabia dorm students would be giving him nasty glares or completely distancing themselves from him out of fear and disgust for what he did to Kalim. Other students from other dorms would either do the same or bully him over it

·       Don’t worry though, he has nothing to lose now. He lets his tongue rip those who harass him apart, and roast the living crap out of them. If that doesn’t work? Oh, don’t worry, there’s a reason why he’s good at ancient incantations after all

·       When Jamil and Leona pass each other in the hallways, Leona would give him a knowing smirk and would sneer at him saying “Oh, I thought you never once thought of killing your master?” Jamil would answer back with his own  saying “Well I didn’t kill him, now did I?”

·       War of snake vs Lion commences afterwards

·       But during the whole showdown, Jamil finds himself angrier and frustrated when Leona mentions about Kalim’s breakdown after seeing and hearing Jamil’s true thoughts on him. It’s not like their relationship was going to last and it’s not like he actually cared about Kalim. So why the hell does he feel like this?

·       As time goes by, Jamil starts to rise from his position and started to be viewed as one of the top tier students and admired upon while Kalim becomes more independent and hangs out with others more. Of course, Kalim also gets better at studying thanks to his new buds helping him out but the fact he can finally stop suppressing his feelings was more important than that

·       Jamil suddenly starts to feel weird seeing how Kalim doesn’t come to him as often as before. In fact, the only times they were now together are when both needs to play vice dorm leader and dorm leader for the students. Heck when holding banquets, Kalim doesn’t asks for Jamil’s help like usual. He organizes  with the help of Yuu/MC and the others.

·       When Jamil confronts Kalim about it, Kalim answers “You must’ve felt burdened with having to prepare the requests I made right? I realized how selfish it was, and thought that this was the least I could do since I feel bad about it”

·       It’s worse that Kalim says it with his normal, cheerful smile

·       What shook him the most though was that Kalim was be able to actually pull it off without his help. Heck even better when Jamil used to do the actually organizing of the banquet. And for some reason, it makes him feel bitter

·       Jamil starts to suddenly resent Kalim again. His head is filled with thoughts of how he was the one who used to organize the events, who always saved Kalim’s life when Kalim nearly entered death’s doors, the one that stood next him since a baby and there for him when he broke down

·       But now, he feels like he’s being left behind. Forgotten. Like he didn’t even mean anything to Kalim.

·       One day, while Kalim hung out with Yuu/MC and the other first years, Jamil suddenly comes over to secretly chat with Yuu/MC

·       Jamil asks question here and there about Kalim, whether he’s fine and what not about his well-being.

·       Yuu/MC naturally answers to their best of their capabilities yet Jamil didn’t expect to be asked “Jamil-senpai, is there something bothering you?”

·       “What do you mean by that? I’m just here to check up on Kalim as vice dorm leader. Isn’t it natural for the me to worry about him?”

·       Yuu/MC would point out how he looked frustrated for some reason, that there seems to be something that’s bothering him. Or else, his eyes wouldn’t be filled with some unknown resentment.

·       Jamil gets completely taken off guard when it gets point out but would soon quickly fix his expression to one that’s neutral. He would talk about how Kalim seemed to become more irresponsible, not coming to him for important talks and not communicating with him frequently about updates.

·       In the end though, all of his complaints would sound like excuses as to cover up his frustration on why Kalim isn’t close to him anymore

·       Yuu/MC, being the mc they are, would feel slightly annoyed by how Jamil was complaining about the distance he now has with Kalim and would point out that wasn’t this what Jamil, himself, wanted

·       When Jamil hears those words, he would freeze. Yuu/MC would go on and refer back to what Jamil had said during the events of in chapter 4, reminding him how he was tired about how much crap Kalim would put him through and how it was Kalim and his family’s fault for making him push himself down

·       Yuu/MC would also remind Jamil what he said to Kalim about his true feelings for sunshine boy

·       Jamil would then snap, telling the other to shut up and what place they think they had to lecture him like this

·       In the end though, he realizes that he’s the one to cause their friendship to start shattering into pieces and for them become more distant

·       When Kalim gets poisoned after trying save Jamil from Vil, Jamil realizes how much he actually liked Kalim as a friend and how much he missed hanging out with the boy who always brought chaos and smiles along the way

·       So as Kalim lays in his bed, Jamil finally starts crying from guilt and realization of his pettiness

·       It wasn’t Kalim’s fault that he felt suppressed nor was it Kalim’s fault for making Jamil feel resentful of his position

·       Everything starts falling together as Jamil stays next to Kalim’s side

·       When Kalim wakes up after being in a 3 day coma from the poison, the first person he sees would be Jamil sleeping peacefully next to him on a chair

·       Jamil would notice and wake up after hearing some shuffling and quickly ask Kalim how he was feeling

·       Kalim would reply that he felt kind of off and then tries to apologize to Jamil for the trouble he must’ve caused only to be stopped by Jamil pressing a glass cup of water onto his lips

·       Kalim would realize how messy Jamil was, as if Jamil just went through hell and back seeing his hair not in it’s kept manner and dark circles around his eyes as he drunk the water

·       A few days later, when Kalim makes a full recovery, Jamil would avoid Kalim for a couple of days, worrying the boy

·       On the other hand, Jamil would avoid Kalim unconsciously, out of the guilt that he felt. He felt like crap and didn’t deserve to stay by Kalim’s side. Not after how he treated him

·       Soon enough, everyone would get tired from seeing Kalim being depressed and Jamil’s sudden habit of blanking out so they all started planning how to make the two reconcile and get back together

·       And boy oh boy, were these two in for it. Yuu/MC and the first years would convince Kalim that they were going to hold a party in one of the second year’s classroom while Jade and Floyd would go after Jamil throwing toy bugs at him. When Kalim and Jamil enters the classroom, the sound of the door getting locked would be heard by the two, making them realize they were stuck with each other in the room

·       They would try to convince everyone to let them out first, but when they realize that their voice wasn’t getting heard, they gave up.

·       To say it was awkward would be an understatement. Both would look away from each other, Kalim trying to start small talk while Jamil would brood about the whole situation

·       Eventually the two would start talking with the basic pleasantries of how are yous, and what’s going on until things escalated when Jamil sneers at him, when Kalim starts to talk about how he was making more friends and becoming closer to others

·       The banter of “what do you mean” and “you know what I mean” would be thrown back and forth between each other until they started to shout at each other

·       Eventually it becomes a heart-to-heart argument, both spilling their feelings for each other until they realize they were both crying on the ground

·       Kalim would try to laugh by asking why the hell Jamil was crying while Jamil retorts back with a shut up and the same question

·       Both would start apologizing to each other through their tears until they calm down

·       Then Kalim would get up, offer his hand, and repeats what he said in the final scene of chapter 4 with his usually, sun-like smile

·       This time Jamil would give Kalim’s hand a glance before taking it and answering with a soft “fine”

·       It would be then that they realized that the door was unlocked, and both would start complaining about it until they burst into laughter and head back to the dorms once again as best friends, side-by-side

[guardiandae]

Meta/Commentary Part 3: A Little ‘XO’ Wouldn’t Go Amiss

(Spoilers below)

I don’t normally add chapter titles to my fics, but for this one I did and now it’s cool to point out

Finally, we’ve reached the last chapter, and this is an integrated POV, which I think really brings the theme of their communication problems full circle. No more split narratives, they need to start communicating with each other if they want to stay together.

Nate woke up on the couch the next morning with Wade's blanket tucked in all around him.

WADE TUCKED NATE IN, I’M SCREAMING, WHO WROTE THIS?? ILLEGAL!

-

Being disconnected from Wade's mind made everything feeling so much emptier and a little bit colder.

Can I call this foreshadowing?

-

Wade hadn't moved in with many possessions, but this one box he'd insisted on storing underneath Nate's bed, saying it'd be safer there. There were dozens of photos scattered across the bed in front of him. It looked disorganized, but Wade probably had a method to how he'd arranged them, one that he just couldn't recognize.

Ahhh he keeps this box under Nate’s bed, where it will be safer. This box full of photos, full of the only things that are important to him and irreplaceable. Because Nate can keep them safer, because he trusts Nate even more than he trusts himself. He asked Nate to literally take control of his finances when they moved in together, because he didn’t trust himself, and he insisted on keeping these under his bed. Nate could have ruined him, if he had designs to. He really could’ve.

-

Carefully, as not to disturb the photos spread across the mattress, Nate sat down next to Wade and pulled his feet up, copying Wade's posture. Wade gave him a sidelong glance and then relaxed, moving closer by a fraction, so Nate could see the photo of himself and Vanessa.

Nate shows care for Wade’s stuff. He copies Wade’s body language to show that he’s being attentive. Nate is not a good verbal communicator, this is his way of silently trying to show Wade that he cares even if he doesn’t know what the fuck to say. Wade isn’t sure what to make of Nate yet, but he’s starting to pick up on this body language, and he’s naturally more of an emotionally open person, so he lets Nate in.

-

Wade didn't have to look at Nate to know that he had that stupid look on his face. The one where his brow got that little crease and his mouth frowned too much. He didn't want Nate making that face at him. He didn't want Nate getting worry lines over him before he left. Or worse -- staying out of some misguided sense of obligation.

He didn't wanna talk about his problems. His problems weren't Nate's problems.

Wade said he’d been thinking, and Nate asks him why. Wade doesn’t say it, but this entire line of thought is what Wade’s been thinking about. Nate had just said he had an opportunity to leave. Wade still thinks that’s what Nate wants. He doesn’t want Nate to stay just because Wade had a breakdown, if staying isn’t what Nate wants. But he can’t tell Nate that, because then Nate will know, and that will also affect Nate’s decision. So instead Wade picks something else to say, that doesn’t affect Nate personally.

"Thinking about making a scrapbook," Wade said, putting the photo down carefully into a particular spot, as if he were choosing the page in his mind's eye. "My memory isn't what it used to be.”

This is a real problem Wade has to face. Objects are almost as impermanent as his memory, but they’re all he has, and he can trust those. Nate tries to show he cares again, and help by offering a suggestion - make that scrapbook and write down as much as he can remember as he goes, to strengthen the memories.

-

"God, you're smart," Wade said, his voice full of admiration and edged with excitement. "I knew I liked you for a reason."

"I don't know. I feel like an exceptional dumbass lately," Nate confessed.

"Exceptional Dumbass. Remind me of that if I ever wanna write an autobiography."

Nate tried to smile at the joke, but it was difficult. He understood Wade deflecting with humor, but now he wasn't sure what to say, and it felt like the opportunity to apologize had just escaped him.

And here, Wade’s coping mechanism accidentally shuts down an opportunity for Nate to hedge into making an apology. They’re still stepping on each other without meaning to, but there’s beginning to be an awareness of this happening.

-

In one of the photos they’re looking at, Wade and Vanessa have matching nailpolish, and the memory makes Wade excited because he remembers that was one of his interests, and then sad because he doesn’t have those items anymore and also because he remembers he probably shouldn’t be excited about something like that. 

“...Don't have any polish anymore, either. Probably for the best," he added, although he sounded sad about it. "Merc with a manicure doesn't sound as cool."

"As cool as what?"

"Merc With a Mouth," Wade said, with a silent 'duh' at the end.

But notice Nate doesn’t comment on it or shut him down. Foreshadowing? :3c 

-

Nate, in a roundabout way, says that he admires Wade, and Wade catches on to what Nate said, (mid self-deprecating ramble), it brings tears to his eyes. 

“Wait, did you just say you're a fan of me?"

"Do I not say that often enough?"

"No. Or like, ever," Wade muttered, not-so-subtly wiping at his eyes.

"I'm not great with words," Nate admitted. It was this shortcoming that had caused Wade so much recent misery. "Feels like I never know what to say. That's why I'd rather let you do the talking."

Wade fiddled with the photo in his hands. "Thought you just hated talking to me."

FINALLY, Nate is able to broach the subject and start communicating with Wade, even if it’s just being able to say ‘I’m bad at communicating’ because that’s really fucking important information for Wade to know. Wade thought that Nate hated him, but from Nate’s side, most of the time he just didn’t know what to even say and just let Wade do the talking. It made Wade feel like Nate never listened to him, ever, and so much of that could have been avoided.

-

"I just hated… how much I didn't hate [living with you]."

Wade looked lost and a little bit angry. "Yeah, I don't get that."

Nate let out a breath, full of disappointment at himself, at the words that wouldn't connect. "I'm trying," he said, a little plea for Wade's patience as he tried to gather his thoughts and put them into words.

"The first thing I admired about you was your persistence," Nate finally said. "Even if I thought you were wrong. But you weren't wrong. I was. And I liked your sense of humor. Even if you were a dumbass. But you're not a dumbass. I was the dumbass. You put on this act like you don't take anything seriously and nothing affects you. Like everything's just a game to you. And it's a shitty act. It really is. But I fell for it. I wanted to believe it. Because if you didn't care about anything, then I didn't have to, either. I didn't have to acknowledge that I was hurting you. I didn't have to treat you like a person. And I didn't. I treated you like shit."

For Nate, it would’ve been easier on him if he did hate living with Wade. Wade is able to express his displeasure, because he doesn’t understand what Nate’s saying at first, it’s hurtful, but then gives Nate a moment and space to get words out and just listen.

-

"To be fair, I am shit," Wade said.

"No, you're not," Nate said, a little too aggressively. "You're a considerate and generous person. Funny. Sensitive. Heroic, even. You deserve to be taken seriously. I was just so caught up in my own shit, I didn't stop to think that you had feelings, too. You're fucking messy, I guess, but I'm growing kind of fond of the scatterbrain--" he trailed off, realizing that Wade was in tears, despite his silence. "Did I fuck this up again?"

Once again, Wade kinda deflects the emotional moment with self-deprecating humor, emphasis on self-deprecating, but this time Nate doesn’t let him. Nate is like the embodiment of ‘I will fucking fight anyone who says you’re shit.’ ‘But I am shit.’  (Nate, rolling up his sleeves) ‘Okay, square the fuck up.’ It’s still aggressive, but channeled in a positive way and tbh Wade really needs someone like that.

-

[Wade] leaned over to grab a tissue off of Nate's nightstand. "Sorry, I know you didn't buy them for this purpose," he said, wiping his eyes and then his nose.

I’m screaming, this is a masturbation joke.

-

Nate: asks if this is the appropriate time to offer Wade a hug, because he genuinely isn’t sure.

Wade: Is it?! That’s like asking if I want to pet a polar bear.

Nate: Oh.  ((doesn’t move because he’s completely fucking lost and confused))

Wade: I always wanna pet a polar bear, Nate. But the thing with polar bears is, they'll usually maul you to death. And you're the polar bear.

Nate: Yeah. That’s fair.  ((still doesn’t move because Wade says he wants a hug but also some metaphor about how Nate is fucking mean to him and would kill him, so that’s probably a no, so he’s still confused as hell and just gonna mind his own fucking business))

He still didn't understand, Wade realized. He wanted to scream internally, but if he was gonna teach Nate good communication skills, he needed to demonstrate.

Wade:  You can hug me at any given time of any given day. You can hug me even if I'm sleeping. You don't need to ask for permission, ever. Just fuck me up.

Because... Wade is a lot more emotionally open than Nate is, and a lot more touchy-feely. 

Nate: Okay.  ((still doesn’t fuckinggggg move because Wade explained how he felt but still didn’t literally say ‘yes, hug me now.’))

"Nate. We're doing a thing here," Wade said, clenching his fists with barely contained restraint. "Hugging. I'm a slut for it. Anytime, anywhere. I wanna hug. Now. So you need to tell me your stance, where the cut-off point is before you're gonna start knifing me. Or grant me carte blanche. Go."

At this point, Wade kinda realizes, despite Nate’s initial question, that Nate is not a hugger by nature. Point being that every time he’s embraced Nate before now (without permission), he’s either been stabbed or been threatened to be stabbed. So Nate either needs to tell Wade his stance on physical contact, or Wade is going to go take his damn hug omg.

The direct approach finally made Nate catch up with the programming. "Right. Got it. Okay. You can hug me if I'm awake," he said. "And if you feel like you need a hug. And if I know it's coming. And if I say stop, you stop."

"Nice. I like boundaries. I can respect that," Wade said. He was practically vibrating with need. "Can I get that hug now?"

This is important for Nate because it will come up again in the sequel and it’s extremely important for Wade to respect his boundaries (because, SPOILERS, hello PTSD!) one of the big things is Wade continuing to help Nate express and receive affection while still respecting his boundaries and comfort zone, and trust that Wade will actually listen and not push outside of hard limits on what he’s willing to allow from Wade at any given time.

-

When Nate lifted his hands again, Wade climbed back onto the mattress and crawled to him, flopping face-first against Nate's stomach and locking his arms around Nate's waist.

Nate put his arms around Wade, rubbing his back.

"Sorry for being an asshole," Nate said.

Hullo this is so sweet.

-

"Will it help if I tell you why?" Nate questioned.

"Why what? Why you were such an asshole?"

"Yeah."

"Tell me."

"I didn't want to get attached," Nate said. "I never intended on staying for long."

Wade felt cold again, his stomach twisting at the admission. Knowing Nate's reasoning didn't help. At all. But he didn't want to discourage Nate from being honest, so he didn't say that. He just held on a little tighter, as if Nate wouldn't notice.

Nate’s doing this best to communicate, but once again, we’re getting two different interpretations happening.

What Nate said: “I didn’t want to get attached, but I did. I never intended on staying, but I’m staying.”

What Wade heard: “I still have no intention of staying with you.”

-

"Are you really gonna be an X-Man? An X-Men? Join the X-Men? Stop me, I'm not sure what the grammatical rules are here."

"I was planning on it," Nate said. "I need stability. We both do."

Wade felt his heart sink into his stomach. "Yeah. I get that."

What Nate said: I need a stable income and an actual job with structure. We both need a stable income and structure.

What Wade heard: I need stability (away from you, because you are chaotic).

-

"Okay, pretend you're happy for once!"

They both smiled for the camera as Wade started snapping pictures, but Nate noticed that Wade's smile was as insincere as his own. It was nothing like the one Vanessa managed to bring out in him. And that was fair enough. He wasn't Vanessa. He didn't expect to work any miracles. He just wanted Wade to be a little bit happier.

Nate leaned closer, locking an arm around Wade. "Smile, fucker," he said, and felt a surge of relief when Wade laughed, a genuine warmth coming back into his stupidly soulful brown eyes.

"I knew you loved me," Wade teased.

"Yeah, yeah. Take the picture," Nate said, bumping his head against Wade's and resting there for a second. Or two.

When they pulled apart, the little spark in Wade's eyes stayed there.

1. Wade wants a picture of Nate, so he can’t forget him, because he thinks he’s basically never going to see Nate again soon even if Nate promises otherwise. Ow, my fucking heart.

2. Both of them want this picture to be happy, but Wade’s happiness is obviously feigned until Nate notices and makes an effort, in his own way, to make Wade smile a little more genuinely.

3. Nate is just as touch starved as Wade, word of god.

-

The X-Mansion was quieter than it usually was every time Wade dropped by.... Negasonic was only answering his texts with middle finger emojis,

I needed to prove that Negasonic was alive because the Snappening might be happening but I refuse to bury my gays. I know like 90% of the X-Men are queer but SHHHHH. Protect the lesbians.

-

THIS ENTIRE NEXT BIT:

((Nobody answering the door))

Wade: Don't worry, I've got this. ((PICKS UP A FUCKING ROCK))

Nate: Is that the best idea?

Wade: Baby don’t worry I’mma get you into the best mutant school.

((HEAVES ROCK THROUGH THE FRONT WINDOW))

((Both of them just stare at each other while they wait for alarms to start going off, but nothing happens))

"Someone forgot to set the alarm before they left," Wade remarked.

"If you crawl through that window, you'll disembowel yourself," Nate warned him.

He wasn't wrong. There were still a lot of very nasty-looking pieces left in the frame.

"The things I do for love," Wade sighed, squaring himself up.

Nate turned the handle on the front entrance and pushed it open, staring at Wade the entire time. "Love is an open door."

"I… You… I thought you tried the door, Nate!" Wade complained, following Nate inside. "Wait, you've seen the movie Frozen?"

"It's a classic," Nate replied.

"Can we sing Love Is An Open Door together? I think that's actually a really good representation of our relationship. I mean friendship."

"No."

"Why not?! It's so us, Nate!"

"Sweet, funny Anna and the douchebag who leaves her to die?”

1. This is peak comedy.

2. Nate is on the same brainwave of banter as Wade already and I fucking love it when couples reach this level of synchronicity. 

3. Here’s some choice lyrics bc Love Is An Open Door is legit a great song for them:  “Okay, can I just, say something crazy? // I love crazy!   //////   Say goodbye // To the pain of the past // We don't have to feel it anymore! // Love is an open door!”

4. Also, Nate just called Wade sweet and funny basically.

-

Inside the Mansion, Nate and Wade split up, and Wade finds Angel in the kitchen eating a depression!sandwich.

I don’t know a lot of X-Men and I sure as hell don’t know Angel’s characterization, but I based it off of two things:

1. The Snappening is happening, so most of the people Angel knew are dead, and so if half of the population of the planet, and that’s really fucking stressful and sad and depressing!

2. That video of drunk David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger.

"Pigeon Wing?!" Wade blurted out. He didn't need an answer, because there was, in fact, only one mutant that he knew of who had the powers of a fully grown man with fully grown pigeon wings on his back.

"Not a pigeon," Pigeon Wing said, not even bothering to look surprised about Wade's sudden appearance. He had his left elbow on the counter, head resting against his hand, looking like he'd just had the worst week of his life and his roast beef sandwich was the only thing keeping him going.

"I thought you were dead," Wade said.

"God, I wish," he muttered.

"That's concerning, but also, big mood.”

I’m screaming bc Pigeon Wing is such a mood. Sometimes you just , sit in the kitchen and eat a depression meal. And he was sitting right there while Wade threw a rock in through the window and while Wade and Nate entered the house and could not give a single fuck to get up.

-

Wade tells Angel that he’s there because Nate is a very disgruntled Slytherin who needs to be sorted into the Hufflepuff house so he can be surrounded by soft and gentle souls. Do not fight me on this.

-

"You know Cable?" Pigeon Wing asked, looking both surprised and skeptical.

"Know him? He's the only man who's ever been inside of me," Wade replied.

FGKGUELEVLKDVLFDKJLDFKGFLSJL

“Hey, Nate, we're friends right? Tell him we're friends."

"Friends?" Nate repeated, lifting an eyebrow. "I'd say we're more than just friends, Wade. I've been inside of you."

I GENUINELY FORGOT NATE ADDED ONTO WADE’S JOKE AND I’M 

-

"See?! And earlier we took pictures in bed together."

EVERY SENTENCE IS PUNCHING ME IN HTE FACE.

-

((Scott and Logan arrive to see who broke in))

"Wow, isn't this neat?" Wade asked, bouncing on his toes. "We're both here and our dads are both here."

"I'm not your dad, Wade," Logan said, already past his tolerance for Wade's shit.

"Are you sure?" Wade started counting on his fingers. "I was made with your genetic material, you never spend any time with me, you don't love me, and you never call. Sounds a lot like my dad."

I swear most of the characters in comics are related to each other by marriage, blood, or sci-fi genetic experimentation. Logan is still a better dad than Wade’s sperm donor dad, and also Loki is Wade’s other dad who is still a better dad than his sperm donor dad, but if you wanna hear about that you’ll have to ask me about it, I’ll be happy to fill you in. No headcanons, just comics canon here: Wolverine’s DNA was used to try to give other people his healing factor in the Weapon X experiments, and Wade took to it like a fish in a nuclear explosion, and Loki is Loki.

-

"If I'm gonna live here, or join your team, I have a couple conditions," Nate explained.

"Yeah, he's gonna need his own bathroom, for one," Wade piped up. "Nate's a private guy. And that fancy rich-people garden better produce some vegetables, or Nate's gonna be tearin' some shit up with one of those little handheld shovels. He's also gonna need a TV in his room with full access to every cooking- and food-related channel currently known to mankind."

"Those aren't my conditions," Nate assured them.

"And a lifetime supply of lip balm," Wade added.

Wade negotiating for these stupid little things that he knows are important to Nate. M...my heart... this fucking idiot ;;;;

-

"I want Wade to have the same opportunity to join the team."

Scott shook his head. "Absolutely not."

"A room, then," Nate offered, but Scott kept shaking his head.

"Not happening."

"That's fine. Thanks for the offer. I'm not interested," Nate said, walking away.

ALL NATE WANTED TO NEGOTIATE FOR WAS FOR WADE TO BE ABLE TO STAY WITH HIM, AAAAAAAAA

AND THEY SAID NO AND HE’S LIKE

OKAY BYE UGLY

SDGDFHKGKDGKK

-

After Nate walks out, Scott basically rounds on Wade and asks him why he’s fucking up Nate’s shot at redemption, and Wade is angry because from his POV, nobody’s been there to actually help Nate navigate his emotional shit. Which is accurate. Scott is aware Nate is allegedly his son from the future, but doesn’t fully trust him.

"You and Cable left a wake of destruction when he came back to this timeline," Scott said. "And I'm not just talking property damage. There's a body count. If it weren't for the Event, you'd still be in prison. You should be in prison. I'm not even sure about Cable."

"His name's Nate. And all of that shit? It's on me. Not him," Wade said. "Do you even know what he's been through? I might be the one who's fucked up, but I didn't see anybody else trying to convince him there's still some good in this world."

"There's nothing good about you, Wade," Logan scoffed. "You're the last person Nate should be hanging around. He'll end up just like you."

"You think I don't know that?! I don't want him to end up like me!" Wade shouted. There was a silence, and Wade's shoulders slumped as his own words settled into his bones. "I don't want anyone to end up like me."

"That might be the first smart thing I've ever heard you say," Logan muttered, as heavy footsteps came back to them. Nate appeared in the doorway.

1. Scott really thinks he’s gonna help Nate somehow, by offering him a spot on the team, when he otherwise hasn’t done shit and doesn’t trust Nate or even call him by his real name. Issa bad look.

2. Wade telling them that EVERYTHING that happened (in the movie, while Nate was trying to kill a child, mind you) is his fault and not Nate’s, so they’ll blame him and not think badly of Nate bc Nate deserves a second chance and he knows those are rare to come by.

3. Scott and Logan successfully make Wade feel like he’s somehow fucked up Nate’s chance to have a better life just by associating with him. Hi, these are my salty feels @ how most heroes treat Wade in the comic book because they only see him as a fuckup or a punching bag (like Nate did in the start of this fic) and not a real person with trauma and emotions. OW. Colossus, sweetie, you’re the ONLY real bitch in this entire house, I’m-

-

"Nate," Wade said, not sure if he felt relieved or worse about Nate coming back. "You should really recons-"

"Wade, you were supposed to follow me," Nate said. "The whole 'I'm not going anywhere without you' gesture doesn't really work if you're still here."

Wade tries to make Nate reconsider but Nate doesn’t even let him try  to convince him otherwise he’s just like, HEY THE WHOLE ROMANTIC STORMING OUT THING DOESN’T WORK IF YOU DON’T FOLLOW ME???

-

1. Logan is the one who is less stubborn than Scott, re: Wade Wilson, and stops Nate and tells him he can still be on the team without living at the mansion, they really need his help.

2. Nate agrees without hesitation bc fuck your mansion.

3. Nate ignores Logan calling Wade crazy, and instead tells him point blank that they’ll only get him full time for a trial period and then after that, he’s setting his own priorities. By which, he means, prioritizing Wade.

“Let's go home, Wade."

Those four little words kinda took the breath right out of Wade's chest.

But before they left the mansion, Wade scuffed his boots as hard as he could across the floor.

THIS IS PEAK ROMANCE, KIDS

-

At home, Wade is so sad he doesn’t notice Nate brings him hot cocoa just like in his dream for him

"You could've had Colossus as a roommate," Wade mumbled into his knees.

"I don't want Colossus as a roommate," Nate said. "I'm not leaving, Wade. Not unless you want me to go."

I’m cryinggggggg.

-

"I'm not worth it, Nate. I know it. Logan knows it. Scott knows it. The people reading this at home know it."

Nate looked skeptical. "Is that you speaking, or the nasty little voice in your head?"

"No. The white box keeps saying we need to talk. And now yellow is singing that Janet Jackson song, so thanks."

"I don't hear any singing," Nate said, watching Wade carefully.

"Oh, it's there," Wade assured him. "No, my first name ain't baby. It's Wade. Miss Wilson, if you're nasty."

Nate reached out to touch Wade's head, but Wade stopped him, clinging onto his wrist.

"I don't need a reset, Nate. You can't fix crazy."

"You're not crazy, you ass," Nate said, dropping his hand. "I worry about you, Wade."

"Yeah? Well, don't."

"You don't get to decide how I feel."

1. Wade was literally just told he’s bad for Nate, which confirms his own fears and insecurities.

2. Wade’s boxes are actually inside of his head now, instead of something he’s saying out loud. Just like the narrative integrating, Wade’s fractured mind is healing, a little bit. Progress.

3. Wade saying the song out loud makes Nate doubt that the boxes aren’t back, and bad, so he wants to help but Wade stops him because Nate’s powers can’t be a crutch to fix his problems.

4. Nate finally tells Wade he’s not crazy, but rereading this I kinda wish he’d punched Logan instead when he kept saying it, idk.

5. “You don’t get to decide how I feel” is verbatim what one of my exes told me when I kept trying to push her away in the midst of my depressive episodes. I thought I was bad for her. I still, and always will, love her. It stuck with me.

-

"I've always been a mess, Nate. If you go, that's not going to make it any worse. But staying with me isn't going to fix it, either. I don't wanna be anybody's pet project. I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything just because I'm lucky enough to have more money right now. I just liked being around you. But I don't want this thing between us to be based on pity or convenience or obligation. I don't want anything at all if it's gonna be like that."

I wanted to try to drive home the point that... love (even though they aren’t calling it this right now) doesn’t cure mental illness. Wade is still going to be a mess either way, but he’ll either be a mess with Nate in his life, or without. Nate can help, he can be there while Wade tries to get better, but he can’t just fix Wade, and Wade wants to make sure Nate knows this and isn’t just following some savior complex (coughs violently @ comics!Nate)

-

Emoting was a lot like puking. Sickening, with a lot of tears involved. But the longer you held it in, the worse you felt. Sometimes you just had to let it all out and then pretend it never happened in the first place. Which was a lot harder to do with someone else witnessing it.

Mood.

-

"I haven't been the easiest person to get along with," Nate said. "And you were right. You were the one who'd been trying, this whole time. When I first got here, I wasn't in a good place. The last time I saw my wife and daughter, they were… they were…" His voice cracked. He put a hand to his face, as if it could blot out the memories that still came back to him vividly. "They were my whole world," he said instead, the words catching in his throat. "When I fall asleep, sometimes I still see it. Their bodies. Even though I know everything's fine now, that it should all be erased, I can't get it out of my head. And the only proof I have that they're safe, that any of this meant anything, is a teddy bear."

Wade unfurled himself, wishing that Nate was a hugger, because he sure looked like he could use one right now.

"You're grieving, Nate."

"I'm not--" Nate shook his head in denial. "They're alive. I'll see them again. Someday. I need to believe that."

((YELLS BECAUSE NATE FINALLY ADMITTED THE CORE ROOT OF HIS ISSUES BUT AT THE SAME TIME IS STILL IN DENIAL AAAA))

"Yeah. Someday I'll see Nessa again, too," Wade said quietly, and watched Nate crumble. He scooted a little closer, but not too close, because he knew Nate was never far from a knife and it was never wise to corner a wounded animal. "They're alive, Nate. You saved them. You did right. That doesn't cancel out the fact that you still saw that other timeline, where they died. You lived that. It's still real for you."

I noticed while I was working on my last chapter of Hello, Handsome, that this theme of ‘trauma is still trauma even if it didn’t leave scars’ pops up again. Wade, of anyone, would understand this concept. He might heal, but just because his wounds go away doesn’t mean the pain isn’t real. Just because the voices isn’t in his head aren’t ‘real’ doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect his reality. Just because Nate’s family is alive again in the new timeline doesn’t mean the old timeline and trauma Nate came from isn’t real, even if he doesn’t want to admit to himself that it is. Denying it won’t spare him the pain, it’ll only keep him from being able to fully grieve his reality.

-

Wade’s special box of photos and memorabilia isn’t the only thing kept safe under Nate’s bed - Wade digs out the bear that had belonged to Nate’s daughter and gives it to him, because Nate had put it away once everything was over.

Wade carried the stuffed bear like it was a sacred object, and handed it to Nate with the same reverence. "Mr. Teddykins is a good listener," he said.

Nate's eyes flickered up at Wade in surprise as he took the bear. Instinctively, he brought it close, breathing in the scents of home still lingering in the soft fur, and then tucked the plush under his chin, holding onto it. "How did you know his name?"

Wade sat down beside him again. "Because you told me, when we went out drinking that one time. You said Hope had it since she was three."

"Yeah. It was the first thing I ever got her," Nate said, a fond but sad look on his face.

Hope is adopted. This isn’t a throwaway detail. Nate and his wife Aliya adopted Hope when she was three and the bear is the first thing Nate gave to her when they got her. It’s important. That’s his daughter.

Fun fact: Hope is also adopted in Hello, Handsome, because it’s important to me to keep making the point that she is 100% fiercely his daughter. I’m pretty sure I’ll always have Hope continue to be brought into Nate’s and Wade’s life via adoption, unless her being Nate’s genetic offspring is somehow at all important to the plot, which it probably will never be bc I can’t imagine adopted kids being any less valid in any way and anything that’s ever told you otherwise is genetic propaganda. I said it.

-

"My little girl is gorgeous. She's got this fine red hair that's the softest thing you could ever imagine. Aliya always said it was the fire coming out of her soul. Smart as a whip. Stubborn as hell, too. I think she gets it from her mother."

Wade spluttered a laugh. "I think she gets it from you, Robocop."

Hi I love Hope and this is pro-Hope propaganda. She is the only valid child. Aside from Baby Shark. And Sleeper. Every other child is on thin ice.

-

"We could also get some more vegetables."

"We aren't living in the wild, Nate, we don't have to eat raw vegetables from the ground," Wade groused.

"You can cook them," Nate told him, and Wade made an offended noise. "I'll cook them."

This is my favorite fucking headcanon, that Wade is wildly offended by the fact that Nate wants to make him eat shit that grew in dirt, and Nate is wildly disgusted that Wade eats so much processed garbage when planet earth isn’t even fucked yet and there’s so much actually healthy naTURAL ORGANIC FRUITS AND VEGETABLES JUST BEING UNAPPRECIATED

-

"Are you really serious about all this stuff?" Wade questioned, rubbing his fingers over the warm edge of his mug. "Staying? Having actual home cooked meals?"

I’M YELLINGGGGG THOOOO. We did it, folks, we achieved domestic bliss. Nate finally stopped being an asshole towards the idea of basically accepting the fact that Wade is his new pseduo-wife. I feel like Nate would never fully admit it, but he misses that domestic shit, too. It’s written all over him, way back at the start when Wade was like, ‘Nessa is gone and there’s no rules and aaa :c’ and let things get messy and Nate was like,,, clean up your shit or I will HURT you. They both need structure. Routine. Stability. But they also need kindness. Softness. Consideration. Affection. They’ve both been robbed of the domestic lives they once had, their little escapes away from constant fighting and bloodshed. They are the only two people who really understand what the other one is going through. The outside world is cruel, and especially chaotic in their current timeline, and other people don’t get them and don’t want to because they don’t have time to. Wade and Nate are both realizing that they don’t need to keep putting up walls and playing tough and emotionless when it’s just the two of them. They can care about each other and the world isn’t going to end. They can give the other affection, and it will be appreciated.  And they are both so, so starved for affection. The sequel is focused on them working on this, especially, and it’s summed up pretty nicely at the start: 

They were just allowed to be two people. Not 'Cable', not 'Deadpool'. Just Nate and Wade and whatever the heck that meant.

-

“I’m staying.”

“Why?”

"I like you," Nate said. "I like hearing your voice, and knowing you're here. You're the only person that I feel like myself with. But so far I've been nothing but an assshole. If I leave now, that's all I'll ever be to you. That's not who I am. That's not who I want to be."

"I don't think you're an asshole," Wade said. "If you're staying then I'm happy."

"Looks like you're not getting rid of me so easily, then," Nate said. "I just want you to be happy."

-

Nate was determined to convince Wade that vegetables were worth eating by making a vegetarian meal. His one mistake was announcing his plan. Wade, of course, responded by lying down on the kitchen floor in protest.

"Get off the floor, Wade. You're getting dirty."

"Vegetables grow in dirt!"

"Fuck's sake," Nate muttered, but he was too stubborn to drag Wade off the floor and Wade was too stubborn to get up, so he just stepped over him while he made dinner.

I’m living. I’m alive and I’m thriving in the dirt like carrot.

-

"You're fucking filthy. Go wash your hands."

Wade tripped over himself getting to his feet. "Love it when you talk dirty to me."

This banter, oh my god.

Fun fact: Originally, ‘XO’ and the sequel, Untouchable, were completely unrelated ideas that just happened to be based on the exact same premise: Wade and Nate being roommates. Halfway through this fic, I was getting pretty depressed by the angst and was like, ‘OKAY, SAME PREMISE BUT THIS TIME THEY’RE BASICALLY MARRIED’ and started writing a fic based more on (imo) comics Cablepool, where they know each other better, and it can be sillier, and Nate is a little less of a clenched up butthole at all times. Partway into that fic, I realized there was very little reason why they couldn’t be the same exact fic. So I went back through what I’d written so far in ‘XO’ and added pieces of softer, sillier stuff, and more touches of flirting, in order to make it easier to transition so it wasn’t going from ‘Nate is a fucking asshole’ to ‘now Nate is soft and makes cookies uwu’.  He is the same. damn. man. and y’all are just gonna have to cope!

Nate: Yes I’m an asshole. Yes I love Wade Yes I cook him food while wearing an apron and threatening to stab him if he tries to grope me. I exist. Yes I’m going to fuck him with an inch of his life, soon.

Oh boy.

-

"You get the glue, I'll handle the glitter," Wade said, making Nate snort softly.

"That I can do."

THIS IS AN ELABORATE METAPHOR. Because.... Nate... is like the glue... keeping Wade together and grounded.... and Wade... is the sparkly glitter.... sparkling. Okay. Bad joke.

-

On the kitchen counter, he found one of his little pink sticky notes.

X-Nerds mission. Don't wait up. Left money for pizza.

And then, towards the bottom, in tiny print:

xo

OH WOW I COMPLETELY FORGOT NATE DID WRITE WADE ANOTHER NOTE AND IT WAS AN ACTUAL LOVE NOTE THIS TIME BC I SIGNED IT WITH ‘XO’ LMFAO HOW DID I FORGET I LITERALLY TITLED MY FIC ‘XO’ I LOVE MY MEMORY LOSS SOMETIMES WHAT THE FUCK 

I still need to let Nate do this like.... 1,000 more times, kthnx. ♥♥♥

And that’s it kiddos thanks for suffering with me.

[deathnoting]

thank you for your explanation, i agree that the crowd sourced nature of Ls character is very interesting. making a big post of them is actually a pretty cool idea. anyway, i would love to hear aforementioned self indulgent characterizations lmao

hi anon!! sorry that it’s taken my 6 decades to answer this ask. i’ve been extremely busy because i have that personality type where if i’m not booked up at least 6 days a week i start having existential crises. (also my sister was visiting

i was hoping to give you a response as extensive as the last one but i’m not running on too much steam so bear with me. bullet pointed list bc my brain runs on those

self indulgent l lawliet headcanon characterizations

spooky orphanage childhood. i like to peel back the top layer of death note’s technological-era crime thriller genre to reveal the victorian gothic just below the surface. L’s detective status is near-mythic (he’s a glorified sherlock holmes with a flip phone) and what’s hinted about his backstory (bells, stained glass, orphanage, etc.) invites us (or me, anyway) to assign him a creepy, dickensian upbringing. my headcanon wammy’s house is a spooky old manor house in the english countryside, complete with empty wings, attics, secret passageways, extensive grounds, and extensive haunting lore. a prime spot to breed some mysteries. throw in some mid-ninteis technology and a stifling ego and you’ve got my ideal l lawliet aesthetic

obligatory beyond birthday bullet point. this would need its own post tbh, but anybody who knows me can tell you that lxb is the foundation for my L characterization. there’s no canon for their relationship/acquaintance to one another, although all hints point away from the direction that i skew dramatically in. basically, for me, L & B grew up together (with A) at roughly the same time/age (i hc L as two years older than B, one year older than A) at wammy’s house when it was still just quillsh & roger’s experiment for a better world. my B has his own extensive vibe, genre, & motivations, but for the purpose of brevity i’ll shorten it down to say that B, being half-shinigami, was just born feeling strange and misaligned with reality & human understanding and expectation, went to wammy’s house as a young child, was given L as the prime example of how he was supposed to be and what he was supposed to strive for, and basically created/collapsed his identity around that. L never treated him or A well, was just competitive and dismissive and self-absorbed, and in his adult life sort of carries the dejected weight of having fucked up something really crucial when he was too young to know the difference. i think he views B as both a mystery he couldn’t solve and a victim he couldn’t save. and a bit of a dirty secret that he’s not sure how to ever make peace with.

who the wammy in wammy’s house!? it’s ya boy quillsh. i have a very specific impression of L’s relationship with watari that doesn’t align with either the benevolent grandfather characterization or the abusive child-exploiter that the fandom seems to be limited to. i think that their relationship is somewhat exploitative, but knowingly. all L’s power comes from watari’s money and the fact that he took him in and gave him a home/direction, but all watari’s power comes from L’s genius. without the other, neither of them would have gotten far with the world’s greatest detective thing. i think their relationship is probably tinged with equal levels of respect and resentment, a father/son thing mixed in with a boss/employee. except the father is the employee….. maybe (?) don’t @ me.

lxlight!!! i think that L probably views light as this sheltered kid who totally misses the point. doesn’t view him as an equal at all and just sort of constructs this narrative around their supposed friendship to entrap light in a situation where he has to be amenable. i mean, that’s practically canon. what i’m trying to say is that i think the fic trope that has L and light thinking of each other as ~each other’s only equal~ is boring. i think that light feels that way about L, but L just coyly pretends while subtly jabbing at light from every angle, which only makes light more eager to win/prove his superiority. to me, L views light as this plucky and sort of terrifying kid who should in no way be capable of the things he’s capable of, and keeps being caught out by the magnitude of light’s power/mania/competence, to the point where it. you know. gets him pretty hot

my favorite L characterization, as anybody whose ever read any of my fic would know, is post-series “L lives and doesn’t know what the fuck to do with himself.” i really like exploring the emptiness of cycling constantly through locations and people and triumphs. i do think the only people L really forms relationships with are criminals that he obsesses over for a period of time and then abandons. there’s so much in B dying quietly in the background while L hasn’t even caught up with light yet that just hurts. i like to imagine L visiting B in prison, making peace with both of their mistakes. i like to imagine L finding a way for light to live in the world even after he’s gutted it, not because light deserves forgiveness but because L doesn’t want to be alone. i like seeing him as this kind of unjust authority of justice who collects criminals because they’re the only people who he can connect with, arbitrarily bestowing mercy and then taking it away. L is presented as such a machine (powered by donuts…..?!?) and i really like exploring the breakdown of the machinery and the revelation of tender human loneliness and terror beneath

oh! i almost forgot. let me talk at you about power bottom L! to each their own, i really don’t care about top/bottom dynamics in general bc? switching rules? but i feel really strongly about bottom!L. i think as a character with such absolute power over the circumstance of other characters, seeing him wield that power over literally anyone i ship him with (light, B, misa, mello, aiber, wedy. yes. i ship him w/ everyone) in a sexual context is just a little uncomfortable for me and a lot boring. a favorite fic premise of mine, i’m sure ya’ll have realized, is situations where L is basically light or B’s sugar daddy/boss/the only thing keeping them out of prison or execution but also he bottoms. light or B fulfilling the role that watari took for L? like driving him around and doing his laundry and meeting with his clients and shooting his enemies with sniper rifles? my #1 kink forever.

sorry this is so scatter-brained and also not as deep as i want to get. i just have so! many! L feelings! if you want me to expand on any of this, hmu.

thanks for the questions, anon. and for your patience.

[elddansurin]

found another fun OC prompt and nabbed that shit up for myself. i’ve said it before but i’ll say it again, i’m a very big proponent of filling these questionaires out completely and on my own time, just like we all used to do back in the livejournal days. let’s bring that back. be the master of your own destiny.

today i filled it out for my current golden boy, gavriil. because of course i did! also that was a fun joke, see, because he is an altmer. they’re yellow, or at least they are in my heart (looking at you, ESO)

anyway. this is long. info dump inbound:

A. Psychology

1. What of the Meyers-Briggs personality types they most fit into? INFP, ENFT, et cetera…  Lord I know so little about this shit. Let's go with... ISFJ? I had to look at a chart to type that.  2. What alignment are they? Chaotic neutral, lawful evil, et cetera…  I'm swinging between Lawful Good and Lawful Neutral. He very much has established morals, but whether he's good or just acting in his own self interest really depends on the circumstances.

3. Do they have any emotional or psychological conditions? Are they aware of it? Do they try to treat it? Very yes, and also very yes. Gav's got no name for what's going on with his head, and that alone is just killing him, because he's spent his life trying to quantify, trying to verbalize what he's feeling, but he's coming up short. And that fucks with a guy who's usually pretty good with words. That much aside, his coping mechanisms vary throughout his life, but he has some consistent phases: getting into relationships with dudes who take advantage of his vulnerability and low self esteem, turning hardcore to religion to feel some semblence of emotional connection to another entity, and/or drinking frequently enough that the people in his life begin to Notice. It goes without saying that his timeline is pockmarked by some rather extreme nervous breakdowns, and the only solution he has is "move somewhere new and start over." That's what got him into Skyrim, and all through the main quest storyline, all he can think about is going to Morrowind to try again. 4. Are they a pessimist or an optimist? He's a pessimist who dearly tries to be an optimist. It just doesn’t come naturally to him! 5. Are they good at handling change in their life? Generally, yes. He's gone through a lot of very radical changes, so if nothing else he knows that he'll be able to adapt. 6. Does your OC tend to assume their interpretation of events and reality is correct, or do they question it? I.e., “I’m sure that’s what you said” versus “It’s possible I misheard you.” One of the reasons Gavriil loved being a scholar, loved learning about the arcane, is that concrete facts were very comforting to him. He brought a lot of stability into his life when he was able to dig through texts and see plain truths written out. He doubts a lot of his reality, and that lack of stability gets really close to the root of what's completely wrong with him. 7. Is your OC confident in their reactions to life in general, or do they get embarrassed or easily shamed for it? I.e., if something startles them, do they insist it WAS scary? When they cry, do they feel like they overreacted? When he was younger, he did a LOT of justifying for his reactions. Now that he's older and way more burnt out, he feels a lot more confident in his emotions. That, or he'll chalk it up to "yeah, I'm just fucked up." 8. Is your OC a martyr? I don't really see him as one, no. I feel like one needs a broader sort of cause to be a martyr. Gavriil can barely stop dissociating for long enough to figure out what’s going on. 9. Does your OC make a lot of excuses? For themselves? Others? He excuses other people far more often than himself. He's extremely self-critical, but his gut reaction is that someone else's actions are probably justified. There's a reason he winds up in the kind of relationships he does. 10. Does your OC compromise easily? Too easily? A bit too easily. He bends, and he's not always even sure why he does it. You want him to do some outrageously intensive task for no apparent reason? He'll be all indignant about it, but he'll do it. He won't know why, but he'll do it. 11. Does your OC put others’ needs before their own? He thinks of himself as an extremely self-absorbed, self-serving person, but the truth of the matter is he prioritizes others well past the point of his own detriment. 12. Does your OC have any addictions? If so and problematic, have they admitted it to themselves? Oh yes. In his heart of hearts, he knows he has issues with drinking, because he's been self-medicating with alcohol on and off through the vast majority of his adult life. He's even been called out on it in very plain terms, but he uhhhhh relapses from time to time. Never when his life is stable and happy, imagine that. 13. Does your OC have any phobias? If so, where did they come from? In his own words, he has a handful of "powerful aversions" with no particular cause. Horses, for one. Raccoons are a newer thing. 14. Is your character empathetic? Rather so, yes. 15. Is your character observant? To a point. Gav has a bad habit of getting stuck on minute details and thus missing the larger, often blatantly obvious picture. 16. Does your OC have to go through their own trials to learn a lesson, or do they listen and learn from observation and lecture? I.e., does your OC listen when someone tries to tell them the importance of budgeting, or do they have to go experience what happens if you don’t budget first?  He's largely a trial-and-error kind of guy. Doesn't always learn from the errors of his ways, though.

17. What’s one of your OC’s proudest moments of themselves? Those academic accomplishments are kind of a double-edged blade for Gavriil, as he feels a (justified) sense of pride in having learned as much as he has, but at the same time that comes with a very intense feeling of incompetence, because of course it does. He takes that feeling of "the more I learn, the less I know" to mean that his grasp of a particular field is insufficient, or that he's actually learned it wrong and is completely misunderstanding the material. He ends up feeling like a genuine fraud, like he's tricked people into thinking he's knowledgable. Dude can bust out master-level shock spells and brush it off as "basic knowledge," because if he's able to learn it, then it must be something anyone could pick up, right? This got off topic so fast but the gist of what I'm saying here is he's a very smart guy who feels very stupid, but he occasionally gets glimpses into his own level of genius and feels pretty okay about it. 18. Do they get jealous easily? Do they feel bad if they do? He does go through a lot of "god I wish that were me" moods when getting to know anyone who has their shit together, but never to the point of feeling anger or contempt toward the person in question. He's happy for them, but also wants what they have for himself. Romantically, he's not jealous at all. Kind of ties in with what I was saying about him forgiving people who don't deserve forgiving. Cheat on him, and he'll almost certainly look the other way and ask himself how he could have prevented it. 19. What instantly irritates them or puts them in a bad mood? Anyone who expects him to follow orders without actually getting to know him. As much as he bends over backward to please the people in his life, some rando asking him for favors is going to sour his mood pretty quickly. He'll... probably still do it, though. He'll just have an attitude about it. 20. Are they harsh on themselves? Oh god yes. 21. Is your OC intended to be found generally attractive? Unattractive? Average? Is there a reason why? Gavriil's look, the way I designed it, is supposed to resonate "could arguably be attractive in close to or approaching the traditional sense, but he's tired and haggard and has stopped taking care of himself, and therefore looks pretty slovenly." It's kind of reflective of his character in general: there's potential in him, but Circumstances haven't treated him well. 22. Does your OC place much importance on their appearance? Do they feel confident in it? Not at all. By the time the story takes place, he's completely stopped taking care of himself because he feels ugly and dirty, and he doesn't care if that's what he reflects. I wouldn't say he's confident in his mess, so much as he just doesn't care. He's tired, nothing feels good, and he doesn't care if his hair is growing in unevenly or he smells like an armpit. Which it is, and he does. 23. What are some of your OC’s biggest personal obstacles? This could be emotional, physical, social… Are they aware of it? Are they trying to overcome it? His paaaaaaaast. His past! He knows it, but he doesn't know what to do about it! He keeps hoping that time will heal him, but surprise: it super fucking hasn’t.

B. Social

1. Do they believe you have to give respect to get it, or get respect to give it? I can't figure out what this question means, much less what Gavriil's take would be, so I'm skipping it. 2. Do they get frustrated when lines at places like pharmacies, check-outs, delis, banks, et cetera, are moving slowly? Dude's got all the time in the world. He's old as shit. A long line doesn't mean dick to him. Fucker is completely unfazed. 3. Under what situations would they get angry at servers, staff, customer service, et cetera? These days, they'd have to talk shit directly in front of him to get much of a reaction. He's mostly happy he's not being chased off the porch with a broom (which... has happened). Different story when he was younger and was still kinda coming off his upper class upbringing. 4. Do they tip well? How easily can they be moved to not leave a tip? You know, I don't think there's much for tipping culture in Tamriel, but assuming there was one, he'd be pretty generous. He doesn't have much to give, but he also doesn't have much to lose, so he's pretty easy about spreading around whatever wealth he has (which isn't much) 5. Do they hold doors open for people? Yes, but in the "walks in first then holds it open for you" way. 6. Would your OC let someone ahead of them in line if your OC had a big cart and the person behind them had very few items? Yeah, probably. 7. How do they respond to babies crying in public? He doesn't react much outwardly, but it's a very "nails on a chalkboard" reaction internally. Gav isn't great with kids. Doesn't necessarily dislike them, but he has no idea what to do around em and dreads interacting with them. It's like when you never know what to do with your own hands, so you take up smoking. 8. Is your OC considered funny? Do they believe they’re funny? Most people come off with the impression that he's pretty dour, but he does have a deadpan sense of humor that a lot of people mistake for genuinity. 9. What kind of humor does your OC like the most? Slapstick, ironic, funny sounds, scare pranks, xD sO rAnDoM…   The quiet, subtle kind. 10. Does your OC find any “bad” or “mean” humor funny? Do they wish they didn’t? Most of the time he thinks it's just incredibly mean spirited and ends up feeling bad, because 'they're probably a really nice person,' and all that. If ever he does find it funny, he immediately feels awful about it. 11. Your OC is running late to meeting someone: Do they let the other person know? Do they lie about why they’re late? He'd never lie about why he was late unless he was hiding something ("no, I haven't been crying, why do you ask"), but whether he'd be apologetic about it or just say "I'm late because I don't want to be here" depends on his mental state. 12. Your OC orders something to eat and gets their order done in a pretty wrong way, something they can’t just pick off or whatnot to correct, or something major is missing. What do they do? Eat the food he didn't want, feel extremely disappointed about the entire situation, pay the bill in full, then go sulk somewhere else. 13. Do they have a large or small group of friends? At best, he has a small group of friends who he knows very intimately. At worst, he's completely socially isolated. 14. Do they have people they are genuinely honest with about themselves? Serras is the only person he's ever really spoken to in depth about his emotional issues, and that's only because it has legitimately taken him that long to find someone else like him. Doesn't matter how nice someone is, how much he trusts them, he'd at best be vague about what he's going through. Doesn't help that for most of his life, he assumed he was the only one Like That. If he ever actually met up with someone else who goes through dissociative episodes, he'd have the world's biggest Same Hat moment. 15. Does your OC enjoy social events, such as parties, clubs, et cetera..? He's fine, as long as they're in moderation and in such an environment that he can stand off to the side when he needs to. He doesn't necessarily mind socializing or being around people, but it can get draining. 16. Does your OC like to be the center of attention or more in the mix? He's happiest when he's flying under the radar. Sure would suck if he turned out to be some kind of a mythological figure, wouldn't it?

C. Morality

1. Does your OC have a moral code? If not, how do they base their actions? If so, where does it come from, and how seriously do they take it? He has a pretty strong set of morals that generally fall under the classical "good" umbrella. More than anything, he is extremely against hurting other people, and he is very much not willing to budge on that. That aside, he does see the necessity of grays when the situation calls for it. Eg stealing is generally wrong, but stealing to survive is an exception. That sort of thing. 2. Would your OC feel bad if they acted against their morals? If not, would they find a way to excuse themselves for it? He'll break his own code from time to time, and that's the sort of thing that tends to stick with him. You know, the shit that keeps you up at night. 3. Is it important for them to be with people (socially, intimately, whatever) whose major ideological tenets align with their own? For the most part, but there are things that he's willing to budge on. For instance, he's extremely over the idea of Altmeri superiority, and he's not going to mix well with anyone who thinks like that, because it's unnecessary and unjustified hate, which kind of goes against his religious beliefs and whatnot. But if he's dating a greasy klepto then, well, pobody's nerfect. 4. Do they consider themselves superior or more important than anyone else? Lesser? If you asked him this, he'd say he doesn't feel superior to anyone. Subconsciously, though, he still kind of holds a subtle disdain for non-elves, even though he doesn't realize that's what's going on. He'll look at the Skyrim locals and think they're superstitious rubes and feel pity, because that kind of thought process is so deeply socialized and ingrained him in that he doesn't even realize he has that kind of prejudice. And while he has very good impressions of Khajiit (largely thanks to Yanni and his fam), he's very uncomfortable around Argonians. Gav's a ultimately still a product of his environment, and unfortunately, his environment was not a good one. 5. Do your OC’s morals and rules of common decency go out the window when it comes to those they don’t like, or when it’s inconvenient? Aka, are their morals situational? For the most part, no! He's very firm in his moral code. Someone could be attacking him, and he'd feel terrible for fighting back. 6. What do they do when they see someone asking for money or food? If they ignore them, why? If they help, how so? He'd absolutely help, even if he didn't have much to help with. He's been in some extremely dire financial straits (including during the story), so he can empathise very much with other people who are down on their luck. 7. Do they believe people change over time? If so, is it a natural process or does it take effort? He believes that ultimately, people are good, and that those who don't act good have the potential for it. That love and compassion can ultimately overcome hatred. This is probably the most optimistic aspect of his personality. This is due in no small part to his particular religious affiliations. 8. Is your OC more practical or ideal morally? I.e., do they hold people to high expectations of behavior even if it’s not realistic for the situation, or do they have a more realistic approach and adapt their morality to be more practical? He's fairly practical. For as much good as he believes is in the world, he knows that it's a lofty ideal that he's got in his head. And, well, he's seen enough cruelty to know that not everyone is willing to tap into that potential.

D. Religion and Life and Death

1. How religious is your OC? What do they practice, if anything? If they don’t associate with any religion, what do they think of religion in general? He's very devoted to the cult (sect? church?) of Mara, as interpreted in the Aldmeri pantheon. He does pay lip service to some of the other aedra, but at the end of the day, Maran tenets are where he's at. He's also a little averse to other Altmer who talk a big game about Auri-El, due to Circumstances. That all said, the intensity of his belief comes and goes in phases. Sometimes he feels very jaded about his beliefs, and other times he's like "hey I should become a priest for five years." 2. Do they believe in an afterlife? Yes, but he has a lot of issues with the concept of dying, so the entire subject makes him nervous. 3. How comfortable are they with the idea of death? Not very! 4. Would they like to be immortal? Why, why not? If they are immortal, would they rather not be? He'd honestly feel very torn on this. Life is suffering, natch, so an eternity of suffering is a tall order. But he is also lowkey fucking terrified of dying, so he's pretty torn. 5. Do they believe in ghosts? If not, why? If so, do they think they’re magical/tie into their religion, or are they scientifically plausible? I feel like he's probably met at least one ghost by now.

E. Education and Intelligence

1. Would you say that your OC is intelligent? In what ways? Would your OC agree? He's ridiculously, like viciously educated. He's smart in the classical sense of being a booksmart academic, and he knows way, way more than most about the arts of destruction and alteratation magic. He acknowledges that he is educated, thinks that the only thing going for him is his intelligence, but he feels pretty dumb. 2. Which of the nine types of intelligence is your OC strongest in? Weakest? (Linguistic, existential, naturalist, et cetera) I had to fucking look this up, but whatever. He'd be strongest in linguistic and logical-mathematical types of intelligence, and very lacking in intrapersonal and existential intelligence. He has no idea what's going on with his life or who the fuck he is, and philosophical debates make his eyes roll back in his skull. But the dude has a pretty firm understanding on the general workings of physics and mathematics, because you can't break laws you don't understand. This bastard loves the levitate, so you better believe he's familiar with the laws of gravity. 3. How many languages do they speak? Just the one. When I said he had linguistic smarts, I didn't mean that would extend to other languages. Just the one he knows. He's very good at that one. Not so much anything else. 4. Did they enjoy school if they went to it? Oh he absolutely thrived in any academic setting. 5. What’s their highest education level? Do they want to continue their education? Gav would have the wizard equivalent of a PhD, and he's the kind of guy who'd have worked on his thesis indefinitely if the University hadn't more or less begged him to please, please graduate. Either start teaching or hit the road, you've been a student for too goddamn long. 6. Do they enjoy learning? Do they actively seek out sources of self-education? After he left the University, more or less the first thing he did (after hitting the ground pretty hard, natch) was immediately pick up a new area of study- alchemy. At that point, he had no idea what else to do with himself! 7. Are they a good note-taker? Are they a good test-taker? Do exams make them nervous? He takes meticulous, fucking METICULOUS notes, probably way more than necessary. He has testing anxiety, so he's a chronic over-studier. Not the healthiest behavior, but it worked to his benefit, because he was always overprepared for exams and almost always the first to finish. It's a little hard to trip up the guy who obsessively prepares. 8. What’s one of your OC’s biggest regrets? Not getting leaving home sooner.

F. Domestic Habits, Work, and Hobbies

1. What sort of home do they live in now, if at all? How did they end up there? Dude sleeps on the ground, because he is in a very gradual recovery period from an extreme breakdown. He left his home and possessions and just ghosted his entire social network, and he's still too unstable to stop moving. You ever get way, way too hot and you just start pacing, as if that's going to make anything better? But you just can't stop yourself, because your discomfort is making you so restless that you can't stay still? I think that's a good analogy for what Gavriil's going through right now. 2. What’s their ideal home look like? Where is it? Shit, can I quote Tom Petty here? I'm going for it: "So I've started out / For God knows where / I guess I'll know / When I get there" 3. Could they ever live in a “tiny home”? He's living out of a tent right now, so anything with solid walls is already an improvement. 4. How clean are they overall with home upkeep? Not very. He's a hybrid of "stereotypical academic who leaves his notes strewn all over the place" and "just depressed," so environmental cleanliness is never at the forefront of his mind. 5. How handy are they? Can they fix appliances, cars, cabinets, et cetera? Oh, he's not handy at all. If something breaks, it's broken. Poor bastard barely even learned how to sew, so he's walking around with tears and holes in his clothes more often than not. 6. How much do they work? What do they do? Do they enjoy it? He currently has no fucking idea what to do with his life. Not that he doesn't have prospects, but he has such little self worth and he tends to get paralyzed with fear when faced with the potential to fail, on account of Circumstances. 7. What’s their “dream career” or job situation? He would actually do very, very well as a teacher. Explaining the things he knows is probably the one time he kind of wakes up to "holy shit, maybe I am retaining this stuff a bit better than I thought." 8. How often are they home? Ideally, quite frequently. He's at his best when he can unwind in the comfort of his own space. 9. Are they homebodies and enjoy being home? This seems like a nearly identical question, so yes. 10. Do they engage in any of the arts? How good do you intend them to be? Would they agree they are? He frequently makes botanical/biological sketches for alchemical record keeping purposes, but I imagine those to be a bit closer to the equivalent of a geologist's field sketches than actual art. He's pretty stunted in regards to the arts, actually. That’s more of Serras’s thing. 11. What are some of their favorite things to do for recreation? How did they get into it? What part of it do they like the most? He loves to read, particularily academic texts. He feels the most valuable when he's learning! He also likes smoking anything that'll get him high, and even some shit that doesn't.  12. Would they enjoy a theme park? Not at all. Too loud, too many people, too much stimulation in general. He'd just want to sit down in the shade.

G. Family and Growing Up

1. Is your OC close to their family? No. 2. Who makes up your OC’s family, at least the more important members to them? His father, mother, and little brother. He does have extended family, but none of them were every particularily close. 3. Does your OC find their family supportive? If not, what would be an example why not? Gavriil hasn't been in communication with his family in a timespan best described as "centuries."  I'm TRYING not to get into spoilers here, so I really gotta be vague here. 4. What kind of childhood did your OC have? Bad.  5. Did they go through any typical phases growing up? He was a very shy, sheltered kid, right up until his first year at the University. Before that, he was more or less in his larval stage, if I may. 6. Do they have any favorite childhood memories? Most of them involve his childhood pets (he's had a few colorful birds and whatnot) 7. Do they have any childhood memories they’d rather forget or be less affected by? He's repressed most of his younger years at this point. Yes, he is aware of that, and no, he doesn’t want to remember.

H. Romance and Intimacy

1. What is your OC’s orientation, romantic and/or sexual? Has it ever been a source of stress for them? Have they always been pretty sure of their orientation? He's a big gay, and it took him getting out into the world to let that click into place. Afterward, I'd imagine he'd have a lot of "this makes so much sense now" type of revelations. I don't think he'd have considered being gay as an option prior to going to college. But once it fell into place, he kind of went ham on the identity. To make up for lost time, if you will. 2. Is your OC a thoughtful partner, in whatever aspect of that you want to cover?  Definitely. He puts a lot of himself into his relationships, puts a lot of effort into making things work. Lets the small stuff slide. Lets some pretty big stuff slide, actually. He'd be a fantastic boyfriend to someone who actually respected him. Hmmm. 3. Does your OC believe there’s only one ideal partner (or multiple ideal if not monogamous) for everyone, or that there are many people who could be right?  He's never really bought into any of that soulmate type of stuff, instead believing that effort is the key component in making a relationship work. I feel like a lot of this might have come from his recent stint as a priest of Mara. Those guys perform marriage ceremonies in Skyrim, and I can’t help but feel like they’d inevitably end up as the Tamriellic equivalent of marriage counseling. So Gavriil’s probably at least a little wise to the notion of “we love each other just because.” Now that I’m thinking about it, I feel like Gav would be the kind of guy who gives amazing relationship advice, and takes absolutely none of it to heart. That actually sounds pretty damn consistent to his character... 4. Does your OC believe in love in first sight? Perhaps. He's never actually felt something like that, however. It always takes him a bit to warm up to someone enough to start feeling anything beyond basic infatuation. 5. Does your OC believe in marriage (or their culture’s equivalent)? Dude was a priest of Mara, of course he's game for marriage. Thinks that shit fucking rules. Almost got married at one point, even! Didn't work out. 6. Has your OC ever cheated on anyone or been cheated on? Never the former, as he is extremely, extremely morally opposed to that kind of thing. He has been cheated on, though. A lot. 7. What do they look for in partners? (Emotionally, mentally, physically..) His standards are low. Like, low. Read also: he has a laundry list of terrible, terrible boyfriends. That all said, his track record is comprised almost exclusively of Bosmer and Dunmer. He kind of has a type, as far as looks go. 8. What’s your OC’s idea of a perfect date? It's changed a lot over time, but now he's old and tired. He just wants something quiet and intimate, probably fairly low-key. He's not really one for sweeping romantic gestures, at least in most circumstances. 9. What are some things that your OC finds to be an instant turn-off in potential partners? Seeing a potential suitor treating someone else like shit will have him turning tail on the spot. He can and will put up with being treated like a dog, but the second it happens to someone else, that makes it real, that makes it harder to justify.

I. Food

1. What are their favorite kinds of flavors– Sweet, salty, sour, spicy, creamy, et cetera? He really likes spicy foods. If nothing else, at least well seasoned. He can roll with a lot, but bland food takes an emotional toll on him. 2. Do they have any eating requirements or preferences? Allergies, vegetarian, organic-only, religious restrictions… He licks ants off of rocks for sustenance. Picky, he ain’t. 3. Are they vegan/vegetarian (if their overall culture/species generally aren’t)? If so, why? Do they think animal products are wrong in all circumstances? He's probably not as empathetic toward animals as he could be. He's far from cruel, but he just doesn't really feel bad about slaughtering an animal to keep himself fed. 4. How often do they cook? Do they order out a lot? He cooks more often than not. He's a decent enough cook in a home setting, when he has access to things like utensils and counter space. As far as camping food, which makes up 99% of his diet right now, that's kind of Serras's job. I would refer back to the “eating bugs” statement above. 5. Are they a good cook? He's decent. He's probably not going to fuck up a dish he's making, but his recipe pool is probably pretty shallow. 6. Could they eat the same thing they enjoy over and over and not get bored of it quickly? Yes, it's a survival technique you need to develop when you're poor enough. So says the writer, a man who can eat chili for two solid weeks because it's CHEAP and LOW EFFORT. Gav is no different.

J. Politics, Current Events, Environmental Aspects

1. Where does your OC stand most politically? What would they align with most?   For an Altmer, he's fairly progressive. At least, considering the current political climate, he’s progressive. 2. How politically aware are they? Gavriil on the Stormcloaks: "Who?" Gavriil on the Mede Empire: "Oh, how are those guys doing these days?" Gavriil on the Thalmor presence in Skyrim: “Wait, what are those guys doing up here?” 3. How politically active are they? He keeps his head down. The political environment post-Oblivion Crisis is a bit overwhelming to him, so he's kind of maybe stuck his head in the sand. 4. Is your OC the sort to fall for fake news? If not, do they ignore it or make a point to clarify that it’s wrong? His reaction is kind of along the lines of "Sounds fake, but I don't know enough about [SUBJECT] to debate this." He’d probably be looking for the next available out to just completely bail. 5. Are they or would they protest for a cause they’re passionate about? Depends on what sort of consequences he'd face for doing so. If it'd make a political target of himself, then fuck no. 6. How do they react to people whose political viewpoints are very opposite of theirs? Quiet disdain and the desire to vacate. 7. How much interest in environmental health do they have? Fairly decent, I guess? If for no other reason than superficial; he'd want to keep pretty locales pretty. That sort of thing. 8. In reality-based or applicable worlds, do they believe in global warming? Do they recycle? He would, he's a pretty facts-based sort of guy. I feel like in a different setting (ie Earth-based), he'd be a lot more environmentally conscious.

K. didn't apply to Gav at all, so I skipped it

L. For the Writer/Owner

1. How have your characters changed since you created them? Honestly, he hasn't changed very much! I made his ears bigger, if nothing else. 2. What do you consider the biggest themes in your character, if any? Doubt, self-sabotage, and painfully unaddressed emotional traumas. 3. Did you create the character to be like yourself, did they end up being like yourself, or are they very different from you? I didn't set out to project as much of myself onto Gavriil as I did, but here we are. He's not a perfect self-insert, but there is an awful lot of me in this elf. 4.Would you hang out with your OC if you could? I'd smoke with him, tbh.

There were more questions, but they started arbitrarily going off into 'which of your OCs' territory, and I'm kind of keeping this to Gav for now, so let's just stop here.

[frozeninthepast]

I saw this old Barnabas and Julia fanfiction on another site and I just had to save it. It’s one of my favorites.

Fall Challenge 2002 by Dawn Dillingham

The Dating Game

Chapter 1

Setting: Collinsport, September 1971

The fall skies over Collinsport, Maine were clear and crisp as Barnabas Collins stepped into the foyer of the great manor of Collinwood. As he removed his cape and hung it at the door voices carried from the drawing room. With a smile on his face he moved toward the sounds of Julia Hoffman and Carolyn Stoddard but abruptly halted before entering when he discovered the topic of their conversation.

"Julia, you seem quite smitten with this new gentleman friend of yours. Tell me, is it getting serious?"

"I must admit that John is a wonderful man, Carolyn. He treats me like no man has in a very long time. Who wouldn’t want more of that type of treatment? I could easily allow myself to become more serious about him if conditions warranted. John is extremely well educated, articulate, athletic, and totally endearing man. He is, as you pointed out, a true gentleman who knows how to treat a woman with tenderness and affection."

"So, where are you and Mr. Wonderful off to tonight?" the young blonde teased.

Julia good-naturedly smiled at her young friend and responded with pleasure evident in her voice. "John is taking me to that Greek restaurant, Linardos, on the edge of town."

"Oh, Julia, that place is marvelous. You’ll enjoy the food, but the atmosphere, so dark and cozy, all I can say is watch yourself! A woman could lose her heart to a man in that place!"

Julia chucked. "It would not be the first time I’ve encountered that scenario my friend."

Carolyn’s melodious laughter and Julia’s lighthearted comment caused Barnabas to feel anything but happy. The thought of Julia and her new friend at an intimate restaurant caused him to feel surprising uneasy. He had known Julia was, on occasion, seeing an engineer from a nearby plant. She had met him after a relative had been admitted to Wyndcliffe with a nervous breakdown. Until now, he had given it little thought. True, she had been a bit less available to him recently but he had thought it due to her work at Wyndcliffe. In light of this overheard conversation he reconsidered his conclusions. It would seem that Julia had found someone else with which to spend her time and it did not settle well with him. He couldn’t quite figure out why he felt so ill at ease. It wasn’t like he had any spoken claim on Julia Hoffman or that he had professed some undying love for the family’s doctor in residence. Still, he could not stifle the overwhelming unrest and sense of loss. Seeking to avoid the uncomfortable emotions, Barnabas stepped into the drawing room.

*****tbc…

Chapter 2

"Good morning Ladies. How are you this morning?" Barnabas greeted in his most pleasant tone.

"Good morning Cousin Barnabas, would you care for a cup of coffee?" Carolyn’s bright smile and chipper disposition was heartwarming as he accepted the offered cup.

Thanking her, Barnabas turned to Julia and took a seat in the chair opposite her. "I hope I was not interrupting an important conversation. You both seemed so animated when I came in." Barnabas was fishing for information, even if he did not realize it.

"Not at all," replied Julia as she studied the remaining coffee in her cup. "We were merely discussing restaurants in the area." For a brief instant, Julia wondered just how much Barnabas had heard of their discussions. Quickly, Julia changed the course of conversation and averted her eyes from the piercing gaze of Mr. Collins. She felt uneasy after the weeks spent in the company of John Turner. Barnabas had no idea of the amount of time she had shared with the handsome engineer and preferred to keep it that way. She had resolved to reclaim her life. This was a beginning.

The conversation lingered for some time and Julia sensed Barnabas watching her intently on occasion. She would love to know what he was thinking. She imagined that he was rather confused by her absences of late. Well, after years of togetherness, what did she expect? Still, his inability to see what was clearly before him had caused her immeasurable pain and it was time to follow her own professional advice. This was the first step in reclaiming Julia Hoffman. She had not been avoiding him but merely placing more distance between them. If he wanted to remain ‘just friends’ she would treat him accordingly. Julia had been uncertain she could accomplish the feat of pushing him and his daily needs into the background and was self-congratulatory to find herself succeeding at the task. The diversion of John Turner was definitely helping that along. A gentle smile teased her lips at the thought.

Barnabas noticed the distance that existed between he and Julia. The air was not exactly icy, but it also did not harbor the warmth he associated with time spent with Julia. She did not seem as conversational and her eyes had lost some of the glimmer he normally saw when they were together. At times, it seemed she was miles away and then a secretive half-smile would light her face. He began to wonder if that expression could be attributed to her new male friend. Maybe it was time to find out for himself.

Carolyn excused herself to locate David for a promised shopping trip and Julia retreated to the study with a medical journal. On any other occasion in the past, she would have remained to spend time in his company. It seemed to be another sign that a chasm was developing between his long time friend and himself. The disquiet that seemed to gnaw at Barnabas escalated. He had long known of Julia’s affections toward him. That fact that she loved him was obvious even to him. Yet, he had always maintained a boundary. Now he questioned his judgment. Julia Hoffman had grown very dear to the ex-vampire and the prospect of her leaving his life caused him to chill. His panic grew as several scenarios raced through his head. No, he would not lose the comfort offered by Julia’s company. In some way, he needed to protect what had been hard-fought between them.

Stepping into the foyer, Barnabas lifted the phone from its cradle and began to dial. This mystery man may have won a couple of battles, but Collins was determined to win the war. He was determined to retain what was rightfully his. Though he did not recognize it, Barnabas was succumbing to the green-eyed monster of jealousy.

*****tbc

Chapter 3

That evening, Julia Hoffman found herself seated in a semi-darkened corner booth of Linardos Greek restaurant in the company of John Turner. She quietly appraised the handsome engineer over the rim of her white wine. He was a distinguished man for certain. At age fifty, his dark hair was lightly gray at the temples and the deeply tanned lines of his face spoke of a life spent in outdoor recreational pursuits. The athletic build beneath his suit jacket confirmed that notion. She smiled shyly when his clear blue eyes caught her staring at him. Julia would have averted her gaze had his hand not settled gently over hers and given it a squeeze. Then, he leaned in to place a soft kiss on her cheek. Julia’s smile widened as she engaged in conversation with her date.

Another set of eyes observed the scene with growing distaste. Barnabas Collins, in the company of a young woman in the employ of Collins Industries, was seated across the dining room. Although out of earshot, they were close enough to see the other couple in the dimly lit room. The soft glow of the candles on the tables of the romantic venue cast the couples is a gentle light. Barnabas frowned as John placed his arm around Julia and drew her nearer. In response, Julia rested her head on the other man’s shoulder. Collins seemed to grow more agitated with each new intimacy between the pair. The prattle from his young date did nothing to alleviate this distress as he was forced to pay a measure of attention in her direction.

The waiter was speaking to John a few minutes later as Barnabas watched him lean in and lightly pat Julia’s thigh to get her attention. The hand did not move from the spot, nor did Julia make any attempt to discourage the advance after answering the waiter’s question. Barnabas attended to his own ordering and then turned his eyes back across the room. By now, Turner’s hand was back on the table, but Julia had turned in her seat and her gaze was riveted on the other man. As they spoke, Barnabas watched as Julia’s right hand now rested on John’s thigh and her left hand softly caressed the back of the hand nearest her on the table.

Although he knew it was Julia’s nature to reach out and touch those she was fond of in a gesture of concern or compassion; Barnabas could not imagine Julia being so openly intimate with a man she hardly knew, much less in a public arena. Frankly, he could simply not imagine her being intimate with a man in any manner. It was a concept he had refused to explore despite recent disturbing dreams to the contrary. Somehow, it seemed disrespectful to even consider his friend in such a manner.

Julia had always been a staid, reasonable, professional woman with no need for physical passions in his compartmentalized mind. Barnabas had reasoned that Julia’s career was foremost in her life, hence love and therefore sexual desire would always take a back seat. After all, she was a career woman in her mid-forties and had never married. A woman as attractive and intelligent as Julia certainly would have had her share of male attentions throughout the years, but she had obviously forgone those advances in favor of her medical career.

This had been his logic, even though he knew in his heart, that Julia loved him with a passion that he found frightening. Still, she had never approached the issue outright. He could still not comprehend that someone could have loved him so unconditionally in those dark days of his past. Even now, he did not feel deserving. With great pain, it dawned on him that obviously Julia must now feel that way too.

*****tbc

Chapter 4

Dinner was a torturous affair for Barnabas. His date was giddy and frivolous, talking nonstop in her nervousness. He tired quickly of her nonsense, but maintained his air of charm despite himself. Somehow, he managed to endure the double onslaught of her chatter and the disturbing images present across the room. The shared looks, the gentle touches, the intimate discussion all tore at Barnabas’ heart and increased his irritation. These were all things that he had shared with Julia and had never before recognized their significance.

Barnabas replayed visions of Julia conveying her thoughts to him through her eyes, the comforting, fleeting touch of her hand, and the nights spent in simple conversation before the fire. These had been her simple expressions of love for him in a time when he could not accept such from her. They had been constant throughout their travels through time and space as they stood two against the terrors of the supernatural. She had stoically maintained that connection with him and he now realized the impetus, LOVE.

Barnabas glimpsed Julia leaving the booth, caught the affectionate lingering of the other man’s hand on Julia’s lower back as she moved from her seat, and watched as she moved into the hallway, presumably to the ladies’ room. He also caught the amorous gaze of her date as his eyes traveled up her legs and backside as she walked away.

Although he felt the look to be lewd, Barnabas could not tear his own eyes from the vision either as she left the room. Why had he never noticed how trim and attractive the woman really was? Perhaps it was the fact that she was dressed in an alluring black dress and heels and not encased in one of her tweed suits. No, he had seen her in many manner of garb throughout the centuries and realms of travel and yet nothing had ever stirred him as much as that simple dress.

With a sudden dawning, Barnabas realized how often he had failed to actually really see Julia Hoffman. For many years he had kept her tightly encased in a preconceived box and only now had she escaped from that captivity. She had escaped and was now obviously enthralled by someone else. Had his years of negligence to the woman and her emotional needs led them to this juncture? Had Julia moved on in her life seeking what he had been unwilling to concede silently existed between them?

Determined to correct this injustice, he shoved down the hurt and reestablished his prideful veneer. He would not have her know how much the rejection tore at his soul when he next spoke with her. Quietly, he accepted and paid their bill as his date excused herself to the powder room. He barely acknowledged her exit let alone considered watching her leave.

*****tbc

Chapter 5

Meeting Julia in the hallway outside of the restroom was not something Barnabas had anticipated. He would have preferred that she never know of his presence at the restaurant on this particular evening.

"Barnabas," she gasped as she nearly collided with the caped figure.

"Good evening, Julia."

"Barnabas Collins, whatever are you doing here?" Julia was a little confused by his presence.

"Dining, of course, dear Julia. I had a date with a young lady of my acquaintance. I’ve heard many complimentary things about this establishment. I’m happy to report that I was not misled."

Julia was not at all taken in by his suave demeanor. She had spied him across the room shortly after they had taken their seats for dinner. He had avidly watched their every move and at times she thought he appeared flustered. Could it be that he was actually, on some level, jealous? Well, served him right for all the years she had been subjected to his dalliances with his bevy of eternal loves. He had known what she felt for him even if it had never been conveyed in so many words.

As if considering themselves engrossed in small talk, Julia pressed on as she prepared to don her gloves. "So, who told you about this place?"

"I believe it was Carolyn."

The import hit her like a ton of bricks. He had heard her conversation with Carolyn this morning just as she had suspected. He had heard all of it. This was not some chance meeting but a preconceived encounter on his part. Her temper flared with the realization.

"Carolyn? I don’t suppose that, by some chance, you came to this information by way of my conversation with Carolyn this morning? Come now Barnabas, I know you were in the foyer. You could not possibly have escaped hearing some portion of our discussion."

"I admit that I heard the restaurant mentioned."

"Then you can just admit that you heard that John and I were going to be here and that curiosity got the better of you. I was there Barnabas and I know that the only time the restaurant was mentioned was when I told Carolyn that John was bringing me here."

Her intense glare caused Barnabas to falter for just a moment.

****tbc

Chapter 6

Choosing to ignore the bait, Barnabas changed his tack. "Well, it has certainly lived up to its reputation and the evening has been most enlightening."

"Excuse me… enlightening? In what way?" Julia was totally confused but only for a moment.

"Well, let’s just say that I never expected to witness such open displays of affection between you and your escort, Julia. A woman in your position of authority and respect within the community would be well advised to maintain a modicum of control over raging libidos. People will begin to talk and suppose you to be a loose woman. You know how these small town gossips can be."

"How dare you!" she seethed. Everything became extremely clear in the next seconds. Her eyes lit with fire and realization. "You were spying on me! You came here with the express purpose of….of…." The anger boiled in Julia’s blood as she raised her voice. "You spend years treating me like a sister and then on a whim turn around and play private investigator like I was some unfaithful wife!" Truly, she had not been this angry since the day she had slapped Angelique. It threatened at every pore.

"Julia, calm down, you’re making a scene." His move to take her arm and steer her aside was a big mistake. His touch took her over the edge as she jerked her arm away. Years of rejection and bottled emotions erupted.

"Unhand me you voyeuristic letch!" He did not see the streak of her palm until the last second when it contacted his face. The sting of the blow and the resounding clap in his ear was followed by moments of deafening silence as he straightened and attempted to gain his composure. He found himself gazing into the shocked expression of his young date.

Julia squared her shoulders and glared at Barnabas. The sting in her fingers and the ache in her forearm did nothing to soothe the pain in her soul as she caught sight of the lovely young woman. She was now even more deeply hurt by his inference and behavior. He could traipse around Collinsport with a host of women who appeared to be half his age and yet, let a gentlemen take her out on a date, show her his affections, and she was suddenly a scandalous woman.

"I suggest you concern yourself with your own affairs, Mr. Collins, and worry less about mine." With that, she abruptly turned on her heels and left to meet her date at the door.

*****tbc

Chapter 7

John Turner stood at the entrance to the restaurant and could clearly view the interior and the events playing out down the hallway. He had been ready to intercept the pair when he saw Julia advance toward him. Her stride told him she was extremely upset by the past few moments.

"What was that all about Julia? Was that man harassing you?" John was obviously concerned about the scene he had just witnessed as he drew Julia closer to him and turned back to view the bewildered man she’d left behind.

"I can handle him, John. Please, don’t ask about him or the argument. I don’t want this to spoil the evening." Turner gave one last look at the unusual man in the hallway and then turned to look into the lovely eyes of his date. There was a sadness and a pain he did not recognize in Julia’s face.

"Are you sure?" At her reassuring nod, he opened the door into the night air.

As they stood next to his car with his hand on the latch, John stopped and with practiced ease, drew Julia to him. His arms easily found their way around her waistline as her hands slid slowly up his biceps. His lips gently, yet hungrily, sought hers and Julia responded in kind. She accepted the advances of his hands and mouth, fully knowing that on this night she was rebelling against the hurt in her heart. Perhaps in John Turner she had found the drug that would deaden the years of pain.

Barnabas watched the scene from the confines of his car in the moonlit lot as his date prattled on. Julia had her back to him and he observed as Turner’s hand slowly caressed the flare of Julia’s hip as his other moved between them. He could only speculate at what tender flesh the man was encountering. Barnabas was ready to explode when he saw Julia raise her arms around the other man’s neck, press her body closer, and begin to trail kisses along his jaw.

Even in his confused anger, Barnabas was enthralled by the display of passion demonstrated by Julia Hoffman. Not for the first time this evening, he considered that he may not have always had a clear, realistic picture of his best friend. The Julia of his mind was a cool, reserved intellectual with not need for baser carnal pleasures. Yet, this evening had proven that insight to be extremely erroneous. No, the woman he now saw was far from repressed or prudish and the images spoke of a woman of great affections, needs, and passions.

Drawn from his reverie by the dimwitted girl in his company, Barnabas was surprised when he turned back a minute later to see the car leaving the lot. Cursing beneath his breath he realized it would be a long drive to dispose of this evening’s baggage. He could not imagine why he had even considered asking this little twit to accompany him this evening. It painfully made him realize that he was not in the company of the woman he most cared for and admired.

*****tbc

Chapter 8

Julia Hoffman did not return to the great Collins estate that night, much to the consternation of one Barnabas Collins. His mind would not let go of the possibilities for what may have transpired with Julia’s departure from the restaurant. He stood in the drawing room of the great manor late the next afternoon lost in his contemplation. Was it possible that Julia had gone home with the handsome man in her company last night? As hard as it was for him to consider, it was the only thing he could imagine. Images of his own erotic dreams involving Julia from the prior night plagued him equally. He had never indulged his thoughts of Julia in this manner and now it seemed to be all he could focus on.

"You’re lost in some deep concentration Cousin," came the resounding voice of Quentin Collins as he entered the room. "Care for a brandy while you mull over your thoughts?"

"Thank you Quentin, I believe I will." He watched as the amber liquid was poured and Quentin turned to hand him the snifter.

"So, what seems to have you so preoccupied? It couldn’t have anything to do with a certain auburn-haired physician and your little escapade at Linardos last night, would it? I must say, you were a marvelous floorshow Barnabas." The evil glint in Quentin’s eye was not lost on Barnabas.

"What do you know of last night? Have you spoken to Julia today?" He warily queried his cousin in hopes that Quentin may have some knowledge of Julia’s whereabouts.

"On the contrary, dear Cousin. I have not spoken with the lady in question. I know of your ‘palm reading’ last night because I happened to be dining there at the time. I dare say, Julia must had been absolutely furious with you to have taken her actions to such a level." He took a long drink of the brandy before he continued. "Not that you haven’t had it coming for some time, mind you. What gets me is… what took Julia so long to finally get around to it? You must have been a proverbial ass to warrant that slap."

"Quentin!"

"Oh, please, Barnabas. Stop acting so offended. You know as well as I do that you have not always treated Julia in a manner in which your mother would have approved. The truth be known, she would probably be appalled by some of your actions as well as the emotional abuse you’ve subjected that poor woman to."

Barnabas remained uncharacteristically silent as he absorbed Quentin’s words. It was true that he had not always treated Julia well. He had indeed been taught far better manners with a lady. And, to complicate matters, he was now dealing with an independent woman of the twentieth century and not a docile woman of his own era who expected to be treated as a subservient. No, woman of this time seemed to enjoy the romance but expected a far different treatment from the men in their lives. Barnabas realized that he had failed to treat Julia accordingly. He had unwittingly treated her as a possession and not as an equal. He had violated the principle that defined their long-standing relationship: trust. Now, he wondered if he would ever be able to make amends.

*****tbc

Chapter 9

"It is beyond me how a woman of Julia’s intellect could have put up with your atrocities for this long," Quentin began. "Do you realize what that woman has sacrificed for your sorry hide? She has put her career and her hospital on the back burner to every whim that you’ve had come along in an effort to support and protect you. Julia has adopted this family as her own for whatever her personal reasons. She has traveled exorbitant numbers of miles between Wyndcliffe and here just to remain, I presume, close to the family or more appropriately, you. That has certainly taken its toll on her physically and mentally. It can’t be easy worrying about this place when she’s at the sanitarium and vise versa."

Quentin paused to gauge the impact of his comments. Seeing the desired affect portrayed on Barnabas’ face, he pressed on.

"It has been quite obvious to the eyes of this family and the entire populace of Collinsport just how much Julia loves you for some time now. Well, it’s been obvious to apparently all but you. You seem totally oblivious to the impact she’s had on your life. You’ve treated her abominably Cousin. Love needs to be nourished in order to survive. How long did you think she would stand idly by and submit to your mistreatment and neglect? Just how many young women have you strutted around with parading under Julia’s nose? I’d place my bet on a half dozen or so. Do you have any clue how much that rejection had to hurt her? I’d venture to say it was like a stake through the heart every single time."

Barnabas cringed at Quentin’s reference to his former state of being and to the harsh words of truth. He could still remember the reverberating scream of the vampire Tom Jennings as he drove the stake into the immobilized body. Just as the vampire had been destroyed so had a piece of Julia each time he had succumbed to a nubile young woman. The realization caused a painful constriction in his chest and his breathing became labored. The sorrow was almost more than he could bear. Quentin observed his cousin with great pleasure, knowing that his words were striking home.

"While I’m on a roll here, I probably should point out something in your defense Barnabas. There have been several opportunities for you to show Julia how much you care for her and what lengths you would go to in order to protect her." Barnabas brightened slightly before Quentin struck the next blow. "Unfortunately, most of those were situation of your making. Then, you never followed through and allowed yourself to experience the ‘why’ of your actions. You have been so afraid of your emotions for a modern, self-sufficient, professional woman who is far superior to you in intelligence and compassion that you have constantly run away. It’s sad because you’ve been running away from the very thing you seek most."

"And what would that be Quentin?" Barnabas knew the answer before he asked the question.

"The love of and for a good woman. I’m not talking some vague emotion, Barnabas. I mean the tangible love of actions that stands the test of time and trials. It is what nearly all men and women want. You’ve wanted a normal life and to have your home and life restored. You have that now and I think you know whom you have to thank for it. You’ve spent the last few years searching for a woman to share it all with once you were free of your demons. The trouble is, you’ve been looking in all the wrong places. She’s been right in front of you all along. Face it, you love Julia and you’re lost without her. You’ve never realized that the need you have for her in your life stems from love. It’s not just her love for you, but your love for her that needs to be openly acknowledged."

The expression of sadness on Barnabas’ face as Quentin spoke aloud that which he knew to be the truth was painful to see. The younger man sensed that he had really struck a chord in Barnabas’ heart. Uncertain, though, if his cousin would act on the newfound knowledge, Quentin decided to drive the last nail into the coffin.

"You know, Barnabas, Julia is a damn fine woman. If I thought I could turn her head, I’d go after her myself." Quentin broke into raucous laughter and then downed the remains of his brandy at the horrified, astonished look on Barnabas’ face.

*****tbc

Chapter 10

Julia stepped into the drawing room a few minutes later, just as Barnabas had regained his composure. "Whoever is pouring, I’ll take one of those," she said indicating the glass in Quentin’s hand. Avoiding both sets of eyes, Julia took a seat on the divan and reclined her head with her eyes closed.

Barnabas hovered near the fireplace as moments later; Quentin handed the heavily laden snifter to Julia with a smile and took a seat across from her. "You look tired, Julia. Long night?" Quentin was fairly certain that Julia had been unaware of his presence at the restaurant the prior evening. He had also witnessed her amorous attentions with a handsome stranger and knew that his cousin was troubled by the events. This was too good of an opportunity to let pass by. From the corner of his eye he watched Barnabas squirm.

"Yes it was Quentin. I went out to dinner with a dear friend last night and then pulled the night shift for Dr. Andras. Then, there was a shortage on the day shift that took four more hours of my time. I was so tired that I collapsed for a couple of hours at my apartment before returning. Thankfully, I’m not needed at the hospital tonight. I could use a quiet uneventful evening." She cast a warning glare at Barnabas. "All I want right now is good food and a solid night’s sleep."

Quentin felt the iciness of the room and the tensions between Barnabas and Julia. He decided that now might be time to retreat and allow the chips to fall where they may. Hopefully, his cousin would survive the holocaust that was certainly brewing. He could tell from Julia’s posture and the set of her jaw that she was still fuming over the events of the prior evening. The ringing telephone was the perfect opportunity to excuse himself. He closed the doors behind him as he moved to the foyer telephone.

After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, Barnabas seized the opportunity to speak first. He did not look at her, but instead watched the brandy as it twirled in his glass. "Julia, I would like to apologize for my actions last evening."

"Oh?" It was the only concession a still angry Julia Hoffman would allow. This had better be a good one, she thought to herself, as she took a stiff shot of her own drink.

Turning to look her squarely in the eyes, he began in earnest. "Yes, I was terribly out of line with my comments and in my actions. You were right; I was there to observe the man that has captured your attentions of late. I had no right to do that and I’m sorry. I would also like to be able to retract the ‘raging libido’ comment, but I can not. So, please, accept my earnest apology for that as well. I was totally out of line in my behavior. You behaved as the respectable lady that you have always been. There was no impropriety except on my part. I really don’t know what made me say those dreadful things to you. Please forgive me."

Julia pondered his honest admission and stared in wonderment. She had never believed him capable of such open repentance and sincerity. He was downright contrite. The expression in his dark eyes told her things his words could not convey. The moments drug by before Julia responded. Barnabas held his breath.

"As furious as I was last night, I can’t believe that I’m saying this, but, apology accepted Barnabas. I suspect that the threat to the comforts of the world you have grown to know caused you to react in such a way." The gentle smile of compassion covered her face.

"I suspect you may be right Julia." His own relieved smile crept across his features. Julia could not know how accurate her assessment had been. "Would you consider having an early dinner with me in town to support my apology?"

"That’s not necessary Barnabas."

"Please, Julia. You said you wanted good food and I’m afraid this is the last place you will be apt to find it." The veiled reference to Sarah Johnson’s mediocre fare caused Julia to smile slightly. She had miraculously gone from angry to accepting in mere moments. This man could certainly weave a spell over any woman and Julia sadly knew she would never be immune to his charms.

"All right then, dinner it is." Julia was rather surprised when he offered his hand to assist her rise from the sofa. She was even more amazed at the affectionate look in his eyes as their gaze locked for an instant. In that moment, she wondered if she would ever be fully free of his intoxicating influence.

From the open door to the study, Quentin observed as the couple prepared to depart. "Don’t miss this chance, Barnabas," he muttered, lifting his glass. "It may be your last if you are not careful."

*****tbc

Chapter 11

Dinner that evening had reaffirmed the long-standing relationship between Barnabas Collins and Julia Hoffman. Ever the psychiatrist, Julia had surmised that the outlandish behavior and unfortunate incident at the restaurant had stemmed from Barnabas’ insecurities and his long-established dependence upon her. His repeated apology further lessened the anger and hurt she had experienced and reminded her again how impossible it was for her to remain angry with him for too long. As much as she had fought against it, she simply could not deny the deep love she had for this man. But, she silently reaffirmed her convictions to attempt to resume a life of her own making and not one dominated by Barnabas alone.

The ensuing weeks rapidly revealed a new social life for Dr. Julia Hoffman and initially it was exhilarating. If John was not calling her for a date she was out with Barnabas. Each man seemed to have escalated his efforts to capture her time and attentions. Even Quentin and Willie had gotten into the act. Quentin had asked Julia to join him for drinks at the Blue Whale one evening, right under Barnabas’ nose. The thought of tightening the noose around his cousin’s elegant neck was priceless. Secretly, he felt Julia had gone too easy on the elder Collins. Conspiring with Quentin to make Barnabas sweat a bit, Willie had even taken Julia to a movie. Although the ploy had its desired affects, it also desperately taxed the reserves of the already overwrought and overworked physician. By month’s end she had grown weary of the battle.

Long days of work and equally occupied evenings had left Julia Hoffman with little free time for herself or her thoughts. Only at night when she collapsed into bed was she able to try to sort her troubled feelings. These sessions were often long, complicated, and left unresolved to create the added feature of sleep deprivation stress to the weary woman. The fatigue became overwhelming. After one particularly harrowing day, she resolved to garner some quiet time alone and simply disappeared. Wyndcliffe did not disclose any information other than the fact that she had taken a few vacation days.

A few sleepless nights passed for Barnabas with Julia’s absence. The time was, however, well spent as he thoroughly contemplated what he would do the next time he saw her. One night, again unable to sleep, Barnabas decided on a mid-night stroll. His meandering led him toward Widows’ Hill where, from a distance, he spied the form that could only be Julia. From his vantage spot, he watched her deliberate pacing. He watched the now familiar habit as her hand gathered her lightweight sweater closed at the neck with a clenched fist. Her other hand rested across her midsection. It was a common gesture seen during times of stress or fear. Slowly he advanced in her direction and watched as she took a seat on a large rock outcropping.

"Julia?" he ventured when he was near enough. Her head turned and a surprised half-smile crossed her face.

"My but you’re out at a strange hour, Barnabas. Is this late or early for you?" There was a strange expression to her voice. He almost felt she was teasing him.

A chuckled preceded his reply. "You’ve lived among us long enough, Julia, to know that none of the Collinses have any regard for the parameter of time. One hour is much like the next. But, in my case, it is quite late." Both smiled. "Would you care to walk with me?"

Julia rose and took his outstretched hand and then linked her arm into his. They were quiet for some time, each enjoying the solid comfort of the other.

"You have been gone for several days now, Julia. I’ve been troubled by your absence. Is there anything wrong?" The gentleness of his concern touched the battered soul of the woman at his side. There was a long silence. "Julia?" Turning toward her, Barnabas tried to capture her gaze as his hands caressed her upper arms. Reluctantly, she fleetingly looked at him and tried to turn away but to no avail. "We have always been able to talk to each other Julia. Please, whatever is troubling you, perhaps discussing it will lessen the burden."

Julia looked at him with what could only be considered a haunted gaze. She knew he was right. It was the advice she would give to one of her own patients. Still, certain discussions had always been taboo between them. What she had to say could hurt Barnabas and that was the last thing she wanted to do.

*****tbc…

Chapter 12

"Barnabas, I needed to get away for a while and try to create some semblance of order to the chaos that has become my life. So many things have happened over the past few weeks and the affects have left me confused and frustrated. I had hoped to sort out my thoughts and feelings and find some measure of inner peace."

"It sounds as though you feel you have failed."

"I have. I’m no closer to understanding this cobweb of emotions or the inner conflicts than I was a few days ago." She chuckled to lighten the mood. "You know, if word of this ever got out, I’d be ruined as a psychiatrist. You’re sworn to secrecy, Mr. Collins."

Barnabas recognized the underlying pain that she tried to camouflage with humor.

"Tell me what has you so troubled." He tightened the hold on her arm as he steered her along the path toward Collinwood.

"Several thing have me distressed, Barnabas. Not the least of these is all the attention I’ve had from you and John. I’ve enjoyed the evenings; I’m flattered. But, it seems like I’ve become the prized doe between two raging bucks. To the victor go the spoils of the war. Frankly, I’m tired of being in the middle of your alpha male tug of war."

"I’m sorry you’ve been made to feel that way, Julia. I can see how it could appear that we are each vying for your affections."

"Affections…good choice of words, Barnabas. That’s something else that has me puzzled. I’m confused by your total about face where it applies to me. For five years you have never shown one shred of romantic interest in me and continually profess that we can be no more than friends. Now, things are vastly different. You start, for lack of a better word, courting me after another man seems poised to whisk me away. Five years of famine and now this. Well, I hope you can accept what I’m about to say." Julia bit her lip and looked at him with an uncomfortable expression. "Barnabas, I have to doubt your sincerity. As much as I want to believe that your heart is behind your actions, I find it very difficult."

Barnabas remained silent as he guided Julia toward a terrace seat at Collinwood. The lights from the drawing room cast a soft glow onto the porch yet left the gardens in shadows. Julia took a seat on the cement bench and waited as Barnabas turned slowly away from her. Inside, Barnabas felt his own emotions as a leaden brick in his stomach. The sadness seemed to close in like a fog.

He wasn’t really sure what he had expected in the past month with Julia. He had wanted to explore the suppressed feelings that he had been harboring and were now far more prevalent before declaring himself to Julia. He had to be sure of himself before breaching that imaginary boundary that lay between them. During that time, he had hoped she would merely come to accept that his feelings had indeed changed. Now, he realized that his continued silence in regard to their relationship had done nothing but increase her doubts. Whoever had said that actions speak louder than words was incorrect in this instance. The words were necessary to clear the air. She deserved to hear what he thought.

*****tbc

Chapter 13

"Julia, you needn’t doubt my sincerity an longer, even though I know that you have every reason to hold me suspect due to my years of blatant stupidity. While it is true that Mr. Turner’s open affections and attentions were threatening to me, his actions were merely the catalyst for my own response. Julia, the thought of losing you to another man was eye-opening and not because of mere friendship." He quietly turned toward her and watched the cautious look on her face. "I had hoped you would see that through my actions. Now I see that is not the case."

Julia was uncomfortable with the anguish she saw on his face but would not permit herself to console him. This was something he had to work out for himself. She rose and slowly walked toward the steps to the raised terrace.

"Your actions have often led me to believe one thing only to painfully discover that I was in error. I won’t be misled again, Barnabas." Her voice was soft and anguished as her memories plagued her. The wounds from his professions of love to Angelique in 1840 on the heels of his emotional response to reclaiming Julia from Roxanne’s attacks were still vivid in the woman’s mind. She had seen the love and devotion in those dark eyes when he had rescued her only to have him grieving over that witch’s death a few days later and declaring her his eternal love. That incident above all others had made trust in her emotions a difficult task. She had been unaware of his approach until she felt his hands come to rest on her upper arms.

"Julia, there is much I have said and done over the years that has been painful for you and I regret the insensitivity of my actions. There are an equal number of things I should have voiced but chose not to. It is my inaction and my silence which has been most damaging. Only recently has it been made clear to me how horribly I have treated you at times and how unfeeling I have been with regard to you. I desperately want to rectify this, Julia."

He felt the slight tremor and the barely perceivable downcast of her head. Turning Julia slowly toward him, Barnabas gazed deeply into the questioning green eyes. The doubts clearly remained.

"Julia, in all of my years, I have not known what love truly entailed. Over the past few weeks I have examined this thoroughly. My engagement to Josette was arranged for the good of both families. I was enthralled by her beauty, immediately drawn to her, and feel that love would have bloomed effortlessly between us. However, I will never know what it would have been like to build a life with her and allow love to grow as it was intended. Angelique was an attraction of a purely erotic nature. My marriage to her was never based on love. In thinking of the other women who have garnered my attentions I see that I was trying to capture and recreate my adolescent perceptions of love."

Barnabas lightly ran his hand along Julia’s cheek before continuing. "Not until I met you did I know what it was like to allow love to grow between two people; to find your way to someone through attraction, friendship, trust, devotion, and a life of shared experiences." Suddenly, the years of pain and fear that had defined Barnabas’ life were no longer important. All of that had been erased by the love this woman had offered for so long. His finger wiped away the tears that threatened at the corner of her closed eyes.

Cautiously, Julia opened her eyes and looked into the dark brown orbs that never ceased to make her pulse race. "Barnabas, what are you saying?" It was almost impossible to believe.

His dark eyes twinkled as a smile played across his lips and he drew her closer.

"Julia, your analogy to being the prized doe was quite accurate. I can clearly see now what a prize you are and I love you. Let me show you how an eighteenth century romantic can treat the woman he loves."

With gentleness and tenderness Julia had rarely seen, Barnabas lowered his lips to hers. Barnabas had never ventured more than a kiss on the hand or the cheek in the past month. His eloquent speech and now the sweetness of his touch were intoxicating as she returned the pressure of his lips. Barnabas felt the swell of acceptance and tightened his hold on Julia’s slender frame. He drew back for just an instant before feeling the passion burst alive in his chest. The gentle loving smile on her face registered with his brain as he crushed her to him and kissed her with a vengeance that made them both reel. Moments that seemed as hours passed before the kiss ended.

Barnabas held Julia firmly to him with his head resting alongside hers. He felt the tightness of Julia’s arms around his waist, the closeness of their bodies and the heat between them. The deepness of her breath and the gentle shudder told Barnabas that she was fighting to maintain control of her emotions. "Julia, I love you. I need you. Please, don’t ever leave me."

The simple confessions were all she needed to hear at that moment. The inner pain eased as she realized that her years of patience had finally paid off. Julia leaned back and trailed her hand upward along his chest and came to rest on the back of his head as she pulled him down toward her waiting lips, silently affirming her answer, and sealing their fate with a kiss. One arm wrapped tightly around her slender waist as his other hand slowly ventured upward along her side and languidly stroked along her ribs and her breast as he succumbed to the overture of her soft body pressed so invitingly close.

From the terrace windows, Quentin Collins observed the pair unnoticed. Remembering his conversation with Barnabas, he smiled at the part he had played in this drama. He chuckled lightly and smirked as he turned away and lifted his brandy in mock toast to the lovers.

Downing the last gulp he placed the glass on the credenza. "It’s about time you came to your senses, Cousin. Well America, it would appear that Barnabas Collins is no longer a candidate for The Dating Game." Turning out the lights he stared back toward the windows, all the while laughing at his own wit, before retreating to another part of the house.

X-rated Chapter 14

Barnabas Collins lost himself in the growing arousal as he deeply kissed Julia Hoffman. It had been many more years than he cared to acknowledge since he had tenderly held a woman’s soft frame and engaged in such a passionate kiss. His mind paused as he allowed his emotions to guide his movements. His hand slowly skimmed along Julia’s side and came to rest along side her breast. Movement was not impeded this night by heavy wraps. It was a relatively warm night for fall and a simple sweater was all that the night chill had required. The softness of Julia’s light sweater only enhanced the sensations beneath his fingers as his hand strayed across the swell of her breast. Julia moaned slightly into their kiss and gently turned into the caress to further encourage the explorations.

Barnabas was keenly aware of the increasing desire he felt for the woman in his arms. Having removed the last barriers between them by his confessions of love, he felt again like the young man of his youth. Love and life offered so much promise now that he had found the person to share it all with. He would not dwell on the years lost to them by his ignorance but forge ahead passionately with the life that could be theirs.

He felt the warmth of her body as it melded with his own and he inhaled the sensual pleasure of her perfume. It was a scent she frequently used and spoke of floral images. It brought him great pleasure, just like the heady fragrances of his mother’s gardens in his early years. His kisses trailed down her neck as his hand kneaded the erotic rise of her breast.

Julia was absorbed in the awakening pleasure coursing through her body and returned his kisses with abandon as she allowed herself the liberty of touch. For so long, touch had been a fleeting gesture, seldom lingering. Now, she boldly caressed his back, shoulders, and arms. She felt the hardness of his desire pressed against her and allowed her hands to drop to his buttocks and hips before venturing to feather her fingers against the growing bulge in his trousers. She heard his sharp intake of breath and the chuckle that emanated from deep within. He did not cease his onslaught on her neck as she spoke softly into his ear, her hand never straying from its mark.

"That is quite a growth you have there, Mr. Collins."

He pulled back slightly to look at her and the look on his face made her smile. He clasped his hand over hers as he slowly pressed himself against her hand.

"Yes, I’ve been meaning to see my physician about it."

"Oh, is it uncomfortable? Does it cause you any pain?" Julia was enjoying their teasing banter. Never before would she have thought him capable of such levity.

"Why yes, at times. Tell me, Dr. Hoffman, are you able to diagnose the problem?"

"Oh, not without a thorough examination I couldn’t, Mr. Collins."

"Perhaps you would consider that now, that is, if you are free."

"I must warn you, sir. A single examination may not be sufficient. Cases like this can be hard to diagnose and take a long time to reach a culmination."

"Well, doctor, whatever you feel is necessary. I would certainly never want to rush you. I’m certain you want to do things right."

"Absolutely, but I am certain I can find the appropriate treatment. You must be aware that it may require several treatments, over the course of possibly years, and even then you will not be permanently cured of this particular affliction."

"You sound as though you have suspicions as to the cause of this growth. Tell me, have you encountered this before in your career?"

"Yes, a time or two. It is not untreatable; however, it will require extensive, vigorous treatment. That is, if you are willing to proceed."

"Doctor, I have no doubt in your abilities. There is no one else I would ever turn to for this anomaly." Having taken as much joking and levity as his predicament would allow, Barnabas roughly pulled Julia to him and kissed her deeply. Tongues lashed at tongues, as hands seemed everywhere along their joined bodies. Their breathing increased to fevered pitch when Julia pressed away, her hands lingering on his chest.

"I appreciate your enthusiasm, Mr. Collins, but we have not yet discussed my fee. My services do not come cheap. Are you capable of meeting the commitment to retain my lifelong services?"

"Dr. Hoffman, I would be honored if you would, as of this moment, discontinue seeing any other such patients and commit such services only to me. I assure you, I am a very wealthy man and a wise one as well. I understand the value of someone such as yourself with such wide-ranging talents. I am certain that we can reach an understanding in your remuneration."

"Personally, I believe that we should agree on a trade relationship. Services rendered by the recipient, yourself, in payment for services rendered by myself."

"I do believe that would be an acceptable arrangement, my dear. Perhaps you would care to retire to the Old House with me and we can further discuss the details." He leaned down to lightly kiss her neck. A sigh preceded her answer.

"That is the best suggestion you’ve made yet, Barnabas." The sultry look in her green eyes as their eyes met told him that tonight would be one evening they would never forget. Now able to walk again, he slid his arm around her waist and drew her close to his side.

"The problem seems to have abated for the moment, Doctor, but I don’t wish to take any chances." He hugged her tightly as he began to laugh at her hearty reply.

Her eyes twinkled with mischief. "By all means then, let the treatments begin." Julia allowed her hand to trail down along his firm backside and then back to the small of his back. She was well aware that her touch would have him eager for more by the time they reached the Old House. Silently, she wondered if they would even make it there.

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