#mdd vent

[irisesinthegarden]

i just want to feel happy

please

[thetetrisco]

Mixed episodes are a bitch

It’s 4:00 am

It’s been over a week

AVPD + BP + BPD + MDD + Insomnia = FML

I’m so tired

[obstaclle2]

Is it bad that I’d rather people be scared of me than feel sorry for me or feel like they have to be careful what they say bc it could make me go into a depressive episode?(Genuine question)

[moonlyxe]

my maladaptive daydreaming experience

⚠️ !! major tw: mentions of su1c1de, sh and depression !!

okay, i came across this disorder "maladaptive daydreaming", which is when a person can get so immersed in their own fantasy world that it disrupts their life. and i think i may or may not have it.

children are dreamers--they have an extraordinary imagination, often living inside their fantasies in hopes of painting the monochromatic reality surrounding them. even i've been existing inside my own fantasy world since i was very young. i played with barbie dolls and stuffed animals--sometimes even with random objects i found lying around the house--and i had poorly-drawn sketches, wrote stories, made skits with my sister using mom's camera, and pretended i had magical powers like Elsa. i did anything to bring out my inner world. i often fantasized out of mere boredom while studying too. who hasn't done that when they were a child?

as time evolved, so did my naive daydreams. i discovered anime at the age of 12, along with tons of other shows, animatics and comics, and they intensified my imagination. i made room for a variety of characters, though many of them left forgotten. i don't know why i'm elongating this. of course, it's not that deep.

ah, then COVID-19 came, and so did my loving companion--loneliness. things were rough during quarantine, and i didn't realize how frequently i retreated to my fantasy world. i used to spend more than an hour in the shower, acting out scenes with fictional characters, and even more before sleeping. just like any teenager, when i turned 13, i found myself intrigued by the concept of romance. even if i was stubbornly in denial. i started reading more romance books, crushing over anime characters--i was practically introduced to a whole new world. romanticizing about love with fictional characters brought me warmth during my stressful moments.

when i turned 14, i was already suffering from depression and intense suicidal thoughts, oh, and not to mention, my self-harm tendencies. i started believing no one could provide me the love and support i desperately craved for, so i sought refuge in my inner world. music often played a major role in this--it's basically the perfect catalyst for daydreaming. i grew emotionally attached to my 'paras', in a way how one can be obsessive over their partner. i imagined myself in the arms of a lover, being comforted while receiving words of affirmation. i imagined how 'he' would react when i was hurting myself or attempting suicide. i cried to 'them' instead of asking for help. i didn't think anyone would help me, so why bother?

this excessive habit of fantasizing became my escapism--an addiction. i was so lost in my world that it started affecting my own life. i was losing track of time, couldn't focus on simple tasks and studies, and knocking things over while walking. i always kept my Spotify tab open so that i can daydream while listening to my playlist mid-tasks. when i fought with my parents or when they were fighting, i locked myself in my room, put my headphones on, and blasted my eardrums with songs and daydreamed.

music became my alcohol, and daydreaming was my escape from reality. who needs therapy when you can escape to your fanciful brain? 

here are some OCs i created for myself: Ryuu, Noelle, and Azar. luckily, they don't solely exist inside my head--thanks to my artistic hobbies, i've conjured them into my own works. Azar is one of my recent paras, also the reason why i started my project, 'Soulbound'. and i drew Lucian and Ryuu in my sketchbooks.

on the brighter side, daydreaming can have its own benefits i guess. only sometimes.

i never really came to terms with my illness until now, and though i wish to get better, i also don't want to. these characters in my head are like my companions, whom i can feel safe and find comfort in. they've helped me bring out my artistic side, and i cannot be any more grateful. and sometimes, it scares me to think of what would happen to them once i get an actual partner. will i grow out of my daydreaming? will i lose my creativity and get accustomed to my tedious routines? will i see my own self-worth and face reality in a proper way?

do i really have to say my last good-bye to the characters whom i've grown to cherish the most? it makes me want to cry just thinking about it. i love all of them dearly.

(idk why i ended up writing sm uhh oh well- if anyone ends up finding this, i appreciate you taking ur time to read it <33 to those who are going through this, ur not alone. let's hope we can overcome this together :3)

[pinkdiamonddd]

another vent

tumblr is my only outlet

my mom bringing up my dirty room and calling me lazy is such a slap in the face

im sorry i have DID and get so dissociated i cant function let alone clean anything?? im sorry my MDD makes it difficult to find the motivation to clean or get up at all?? cleaning is the LEAST of my worries I need psychiatric help im struggling so much

not to mention my grades,, she thinks im a failure if i get anything below a B

and then tto top it all off she doesnt even believe i have problems to begin with and everytime j ask for a therapist or the least bit of help she brushes it off and says im an attention seeker

i just want to be normal

i wish i could clean my room

i wish that was my biggest issue

i wish i didnt have to worry about everything else

[coffeformwah]

i can’t put into words how much i hate myself no matter how hard i try

[theheavenlybat]

“What are you going to do with your life?” Dawg I was supposed to die 7 years ago. Idgaf what happens anymore.

[pupcherub]

something i really hate is how hygiene is looked down upon when someone can’t uphold standards ( ex : showering every day / every other day , brushing their teeth , etc . ) due to mental health , regression , or anything else . instead , we’re looked at as disgusting and lazy .

“ disgusting and lazy “ for having a mental health condition that makes it hard for us to keep ourselves healthy and clean . that makes us feel guilty about that -> we feel worse -> we don’t uphold the standards -> repeat .

i showered today for the first time in almost a month . my parents , of all people , said “ finally “ . you know how that made me feel ? like i did something wrong . i didn’t feel proud of myself or reassured , i felt degraded and humiliated , i felt worse .

my parents said that . now imagine tens of hundreds of thousands of strangers a day saying that . STRANGERS . people you’ve never met call you foul and dirty to your face .

reassure people when they take care of themself , because making them feel hurt is going to have the complete opposite effect .

[wvlls-roundme]

should i just kms tonight? i'm splitting on every single person in my life rn. i hate everyone and i feel like no one cares anyway. i want to kms so my fp sees what she have done with ignoring me.

[irisesinthegarden]

I don't want to wake up in the morning.

I don't hope to, I just don't want to.

I have too many reasons not to die, and yet here I am.

Depression is really just a pile of shit that you get constantly thrown in your face, uh?

[osamucide]

chronic pain vent in tags feel free 2 ignore

[affectionatepanda]

I’ve lived with depression for at least half of my life and it still manages to surprise me with how genuinely disabling it can be. In so many ways, I’ve always been a disabled person trying and failing to force myself into an abled way of life without a single clue why. I’m so tired of all the realizations that come with putting the pieces together. I just want to figure out how to cope with it. I want a break.

[4ngel-f4ngzz]

why is the human race such a corrupt species. i wish i either

A. did not exist

or

B. was a cat. or any other animal. like any other one

[countingstar-s]

I’m repugnant

I feel so ashamed for every single move I’ve made

I’m so embarrassing

[coffeformwah]

i hate every aspect of my life and i wish i would just die

[theheavenlybat]

Intro ♱☾

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Heav/Heavenly ~ 18 ~ she/her ~ alternative/y2k

Diagnosed with: BPD, MDD

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About ♱☾

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Page Trigger Warnings:

Self harm

Suicidal ideation

Intrusive thoughts in general

Obsessiveness over a person or persons

Unhealthy coping mechanisms

NSFW sometimes

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I do NOT encourage or promote unhealthy behavior. This is a VENT account. Please do not report, only block.

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