#maybe when i’m less busy
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secondhand gender euphoria thru a blorbo can be more powerful than your own gender tbh
#danbles#idk what it is abt m/f bigender ppl that i have sm admiration for#maybe bc it’s the polar opposite of mine? idk idk#sometimes i wonder if IM bigender just bc of how happy i am for other ppl that are#(if i am i wouldn’t be m/f tho but i can’t go down that route again lmao)#kira… tom… HAL…#happy joy smile event everytime i think abt these 3 and their relationship with gender ;___;#oh my god it’s embarrassing to admit but i didn’t realize hal was so gender until recently#damn near cried reading those panels abt his internal ‘maleness and femaleness’#i could cry again just thinking abt it now tbh#ALL THE BEST CHARACTERS ARE BIGENDER WHAT CAN I SAY!!!!#genderposting#i just remembered i hc dee as bigender too#wow this goes deep maybe i should look into this#maybe when i’m less busy#what’s that one post?#‘im probably nonbinary but i have a job so idrc abt that rn’#that’s why i hc most of these characters as bigender it’s bc they do fuckall <3
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this reminds me i need to work on setting up felpac week oops
daily felpac art is like something from my wildest dreams pfft
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no youre completely right - im a gay (trans)man and i legit wanna see so much more about the women bc There Is So Little. I wanna make a lesbian oc who gets bent in half by taash. im very normal.
i’m just tired man!!!! it feels so obvious how disproportionate it is when you’ve got. a cast of characters that we know almost equally little about. and a few of them explode in popularity and it’s like spongebob sticking his hand out the curtain. literally all a character needs to do numbers is to be a light-skinned man
#like you bring up taash!! we know equally little abt taash and emmrich. why is one FUCKING EVERYWHERE and i’m like. scrounging for scraps#sometimes i feel like there has to be a secret other main dragon age tag that has the real stuff in it#but maybe it’s just the tumblr userbase idfk#i feel like i’ve seen a little bit more of neve since the trailer but still not anything on the level as everyone’s fave boys#and before you hit me with ‘lucanis was in a couple short stories’ harding was in the literal entire last game. and she and neve had comics#there’s obviously something to be said about character types too. a lot of people love dark and broody#vs harding keeps getting described as Girl Next Door and that’s much less popular. fine i’m not going to argue abt individual tastes#but like. neve isn’t popping off??? on the columbo fansite????#everyone’s talking about emmrich’s experiments and research but no one talks about bellara’s??#like personally. ok. lesbian opinion so take that for what it’s worth. but i don’t understand all the lucanis thirst#davrin i could understand. davrin can get it. he gets way fewer thirstposts than the other men (hmmm interesting im sure it’s nothing 🙃)#i’m just like. tired. i don’t want to say people can’t enjoy what they’re excited about#but it adds up!#i feel guilty complaining when i am also not doing a lot of Female Character Poasting but like#there’s only so much i can do as someone who can’t draw and has been too busy to keep on top of all the breaking news
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i rly do think there is a line between being critical of saudi, their involvement in football, where all the money is coming from, the millions of human rights violations that the government perpetuates and covers up via sportwashing … and then just straight up dunking on football cultures outside of europe (specifically england/germany/italy) and acting like the fans there are inferior in some way (even if they are smaller in number that does not mean that the football being played is worth any less) and implying consciously or subconsciously that the footballers who grew up in the system there don’t deserve to play football. i’ll be honest, way too many ppl cross the line.
#fine to rb#sorry but it’s actually infuriating to me especially with this henderson business how so many ppl are like#haha lol he passed up moving to a smaller pl club and now he’s playing in front of 5 fans instead of playing in front of full stadiums ���#like yeah he should be criticised absolutely for buying into the sportswashing and especially everything regarding lgbt ppl#but some ppl move WEIRDLY like there are other countries outside of europe that have a footballing culture or just are genuinely interested#in footy and to demean the fans and the ppl that are not involved in sportwashing is crazy to me icl#like the inherent xenophobia idgi#maybe i’m deeping it too much but i grew up watching asian football and i was frequently one of like 100 ppl in the stands#it didn’t mean any less to me. and i hate the condescending tone taken on the internet when it comes to this.#rahul.txt
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I wish we lived in a world where I didn’t have to factor in things like “will this actually make enough money to pay off its own degree and live comfortably in this increasingly expensive world” when making my career choices because I think I would’ve really enjoyed devoting my life to studying entomology or icthyology or something instead of picking a practical but kinda bland field of engineering
#not that you can’t make it as a biologist. it’s just much more limited and not guaranteed in this increasingly expensive world#and also when I originally made the choice I was a suicidally depressed egg who didn’t really think I would have a future#now I have a future it’s just more profitable and less interesting than what I could’ve done#but I’m glad I chose what I did because being a trans woman in a field that already doesn’t make much money would probably suck even more#i hate that I have to care about money#maybe some day in the far future something might happen that will make me choose to go back to school and study what I’m passionate about#i don’t at all hate my field of study. it just puts me in close proximity to business related things that are dreadfully boring and depressi#depressing
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EDIT: ending this early bc I’m impatient. Here’s the tiebreaker poll!
If we do Most Episode s2‚ I’ll allow episodes to be resubmitted‚ except for the top 8-16, which will join the new bracket later. It will be a smaller bracket‚ definitely no more than 128‚ but probably capped off at 64.
Also this is just deciding which bracket to do first‚ I anticipate doing some of the runners-up later. (If this poll doesn’t have a clear sweep I’ll do a second poll with the top 2/3)
#by ‘clear sweep’ I mean. at least 5% more than the closest runner up.#season2#ok no jump the shark bc I am not confident that i could regulate what counts.#maybe later when I’m less busy?#.#tbh not sure if I want to do a musical episode bc i predict like. buffy scrubs community sweep.#which hopefully I’m missing something but that doesn’t sound super exciting.#wait nvm I just thought of some more ok I’m on board.#(I think I’d disqualify any shows that are fully musical? maybe?)
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they call me the griever because halfway through a thing I enjoy I’m already sad that it’s closer to being over
#blue chatter#trying to work on not doing this#and just enjoying the thing in the moment#this happens to me a lot with school breaks and such#like ‘oh I love being on spring break but I’m sad bc I’m already 3 days in’#‘oh I love summer vacation so far it’s too bad it’s already a month over’#and I’m like NO!!!!! blue!!!!!!!! you’re missing the point!!!!!!!!#you have the joy *right now* and you are SPOILING IT bc you’re too busy looking ahead to when it will be gone!!!!!!!!!#it happens with friend visits a lot. it’s less bad now but it still happens.#like. the first time I visited friends over spring break I woke up in the early morning of the last morning and just cried#because I only had a few hours left before I had to get on the plane home#and I start hurriedly stuffing seconds and minutes into my mouth and refusing to swallow#because maybe if I just cling extra hard then the time won’t pass-#but it does pass. and that’s okay. and I know that’s okay because life had more joyful things after that moment#had I stayed there on that day I would have been frozen as a much more miserable person#my friends themselves would have been very different people#I mean. fuck. between then and now two of us figured out our genders. both of them got married. they moved somewhere else now.#there’s a lot of little joys that got left behind there. a church they loved. a local park. mountains and windy streets.#but I wouldn’t hold ourselves there. which I try to remind myself when I start crying about lost time again#because yeah. this will end someday. human lifespans aren’t infinite.#but the future is full of life I still have to live. there’s no saying that I can’t have good things again.#and this period of my life is rapidly rushing towards a much more uncertain future and I know that and it’s scary#I know I have about 11 months to make several very adult decisions that will determine a lot of my future#but no matter what I choose this period of my life is not wasted#and I don’t need to hurriedly optimize every second and mourn losing them#and I know that. and I still feel sad and mourny. but that might be more indicative that I’m hungry or smth.
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resigning myself to the possibility that won’t hear from the boy again and as much as that’s okay, I’ll be fine, life just moves the way it does, I am sad about it, and I have to know it’s okay to let myself be really sad about it
#I really hope it’s not the case still but I have to make my peace with it if it is#he was really so wonderful#it was the best seven hours I’ve had all year#in way longer than that#and I just#I really liked him. I really like him#I wanted to give it a try#I still do#but it’s past my control or say so now and has been for a while#still he said so many wonderful things#said we should hang out again before he leaves (soon!) which did not happen because he was busy#said he’d check in with me about last Friday and didn’t#said during the concert that he’d get his passport and maybe we could go up to Canada together#so I wonder again and again did I say something near the end that changed his mind#that made him think differently#but then I think about how his response when I thought he was ghosting me really was the best possible reply#he had a great time and he’s sorry he didn’t mean to make me worry#I gave him an out then and he could’ve taken it if that’s how he felt#if that’s how he feels#he said he’d be less responsive and hoped that would be okay but it’s been one text since then#radio silence since#so I’m just waiting#waiting and thinking about a reel I saw about a couple who also met on bumble#about how the guy said to the girl that she’d sort of ghosted him in the beginning but now they’re married#I think about how my sister and her husband met at a similar time of year#how he came to thanksgiving and they got married eight months after meeting each other#and it’s not that I want to be married eight months from now or that I even think that he’d be the one#but chat: I’m a romantic I always have been#and I just. I want to try#personal
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Trying to keep a lid on it but. Yeah. Literally don’t know what’s it like to NOT be platonically neglected IRL my whole damn life, only that I know this One Person doesn’t deserve to be at the epicenter of it anymore than I deserved to have been at the epicenter of theirs a year ago now.
…why am I like this. Why are we like this.
#tiger’s roar#…but like. good god. someone being Actually Genuinely KIND and insisting they DO like my company and want my friendship#(and is arguably mutually attracted and THOSE feelings of mine and what I’m picking up from them just won’t DISPELL already)#just. really stirs the muck. gets at that emotional constipation in my brain’s grease trap#then having TWICE now having Activities Suggested and THIS Time in FRONT of people then like…never following through?#all but thinking aloud with planning to witnesses things that sound less like hanging out and more like a date#and then just…not doing it?#when the Reality is Apparently Too Busy?#us fighting earlier this year over quality time essentially#when all I want is to have like. maybe an hour or two once a week or once a month#to enjoy someone else’s company. get a fucking REPRIEVE from my life#that’s…that’s it? nothing grand. just have the time found where it can be without causing strain?#I’m actually NOT a romantic even when I have romantic feelings? they just make me yearn for basic contact all the more#I’ll always be ‘too platonic’ within a romantic relationship so no it’s never going to be an ‘expectation’#MAYBE the one with unrealistic expectations is the guy who watches romance films and struggles with AllorNothing thinking perhaps?#and…yeah. trying to not feel resentful of their time spent this summer with existing friends when apparently not working 20+ hrs a week#in addition to their own research and god knows what else#…because it feels like there’s no space for me. and probably never will be. and I have never been ‘cool’ a day in my life#sure I own it as an adult. especially a 30s adult.#but having people recognize me as kind and supportive and easy to talk to 1:1 (my group aqauaintance/casual friendships SUCK)#but. basically never getting to keep any of them as friends? quickly ditched? treated like a used bandaid?#it…gets to me alright? like I only exist as Catch/Treat/Release but for people#which sure. the friend I’m angry at HAS been frustrated about me deserving better. looks at me like I’m christmas.#and I’m now fairly close friends with their beloved sibling. and despite things having THE Worst Start Ever their family seems to trust me#…but…it’s just…think I deserve better? think I’m worthy of your esteem and respect? think I’m kind and approachable?#want me to feel safe and relaxed enough to be myself? then just…do better.#ask when I’m available to kill a few hours then…follow through on that. that’s it.#not all the time. and my ‘expectation’ is to always be either neglected or used and feeling jaded about it#just…a repreive. for both of us. that’s it.
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just wanted to let u know this made me laugh my ass off. it is indeed the time loop boy <3
SO glad i got it right. admittedly i forgot how to spell his name and figured “time loop boy” was the safest way to refer to him without embarrassment.
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#ok so#I met this guy on Roblox last year#this is alr very embarrassing for me to admit but wait it gets WORSE#and we connected on discord and just casually chatted for maybe a week or 2?#but then last year was my a level year and around that time I was having a lot of tests#so I was taking longer and longer to reply back and he felt hurt and I felt bad for hurting his feelings#but also I was like hell bent on getting that perfect score so#so I told him maybe it’s best we don’t rlly talk cuz I’m busy w this and u want someone less occupied w other stuff#and man that was roughhhh like i didn’t expect him to act so cut up abt it#but he was still being so respectful I was like (internally) ur making this very hard for me 😭😭#but I stood my ground and we kind of stopped after that#then after my a levels he texted me and we were planning to do a vc#and we were trying to pick a time when#and we stopped talking like we both ghosted each other? idk#cuz I got swept up in other stuff after#a levels#but like a few days back I saw he was online on Roblox and I suddenly felt rlly bad/nostalgic for our short chat thing#and I kind of wanted to text him but I didn’t want to double text (LAME REASON I KNOWWW 😭😭)#and he just texted me this morning#like out of the blue after MONTHS of radio silence#and after a few days when I started thinking abt him again#I just#😭😭😭😭
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Lobser dog
#furry#my art#borzoi furry#maybe when I’m less busy I’ll do a proper reference sheet#only so you can see that the hand matches my irl cat’s tabby toe :333#my fursona
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The problem with having puppers is that you start scolding everything out of habit:
Aus post who is keeping my package in customs for 387903 million years? No :(
C-ptsd induced emotional flashbacks with the classic flinch response? No 😓
youtube who paused my song RIGHT before the best part to ask ‘time to take a break ^^?’ even though I never set such a thing and I bet it’s choosing to be annoying on purpose bc I deleted it last week to prevent distractions and it has since been reinstated: Nooo 😡
#just pav things#as always I am sillyposting to cope. 2 more days at least….#I should be less worried about my package honestly it just upsets me that there’s a discrepancy between usps and auspost#for the latter has not updated since it made it to the Chicago airport (it still thinks it’s not on a flight yet which is surely false)#As for what is on the usps page well it hasn’t updated in a while either but I’m giving benefit of the doubt bc ✨ business days ✨#I’m chalking it up to customs. It takes an hour to drive here from melbourne not entire days#I hope they’re not mad at the contents 😓#here’s hoping it arrives by Thursday or I will have to contend with there being no progress bc Easter public holidays#and they don’t want to pay double time for deliveries 😭#also I want to talk abt it when I see my wife on stream but hhhh maybe I will have to be extra patient after all :(#I am succumbing to the same kind of paranoia as my parents 😭😭 Pav doesn’t trust post offices#not since they stuffed up and lost my (fortunately later found) package for shadow 😂
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dude I have so many good ideas in my brain but I also have too many unfinished good ideas in my notes
#I just had an idea where etho can turn into a fox and bdubs doesn’t know that#amd etho just follows him around all the time when bdubs is busy with the king and stuff#cause he misses him (and maybe is in love with him-) but no way he’d ever tell bdubs that#n one day he gets like startled and turns into a fox in front of bdubs and the jig is up#I had the idea of like the transformation being a bit like turning red but less influenced by emotion#or that he alr figured out the emotion thing but sometimes it’s harder to control#ethubs#hoax rambles#i’m absolutely writing that actually
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oi actually one last thing and then u can whack me with sticks… whenever I don’t know what to draw, I usually just doodle random faces but more often than not they look like my girlfriend :’D
#in fact Chevys influenced my style a lot idk how to explain it#when we first started dating admittedly I drew them sooooo much#and like even before they would always watch me draw I see to do like private streams for them and Blake#less private streams more just something in the bg while we all talked for days straight#:’)#but yeah when I first started dating chevy I was so happy I legit forgot how to draw#but the few things I could draw were us together because we were long distance at the time#I don’t draw them as much because I’m busy putting like. our brain baby on the page#we’re being these fucks to life together. but idk. maybe it’s the way one character laughs or smiles#or the way another’s brows furrow when they get angry#how another character crosses their arms sassily it’s all just shadows of chevy#and me ofc because I’m self centered#but yeah helps that chevy really brings these characters to life with the movements and acting they do#god if u could just see them#oh my god I was typing so fast my phone went into driving mode wtf#but yeah wow im. gay. so much of this is subconscious yk. I have trouble saying these things out loud#not out of a lack of wanting to im just. not good with words. i#I just hope it shows yknow#ur yeah wow okay that was a lot idk why I’m crying
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So I’ve been given the potential opportunity in a few weeks to either 1) go visit one of my close work friends who moved 2.5 hours away like 6mos ago, but if I do that it means working with her and our other work friend at her store, which means working 12 days straight, 2 of which would be at a store that is absolute insanity, OR 2) I could not do that and instead possibly get last minute Taylor Swift tickets with my best friend and head 2.5 hours in the opposite direction
#I’m stuck on this decision#especially since right now neither is set in stone or definitive in any way#bc we won’t go visit the work friend of our manager can’t let my work friend I currently work with off for that weekend#but also we can’t buy Taylor swift tickets until like the day of the concert#but since my best friend implanted the idea in my head yesterday now I’m like#damn I wanna do that I love going to concerts and I really don’t like the idea of working 12 days straight for a total of something like a#92 or 94 hour paycheck with 12 or 14 of that being overtime#which would be a nice paycheck I’m sure but fuck like I would want to drop dead#I’ve never had to work that many days straight through#I think the longest I’ve done is like maybe 7 or 8 days in a row#but also that’s only ever been at my store where even our busiest days are less busy than the store we’ll be visiting’s average days#BUT I do want to see my friend and help her out because they need help that weekend specifically bc they already know they’re going to be#insanely busy and that makes me want to cry a little like I feel like our store gets busy when I do 50 cars through our drive thru in a#little less than 2 hours but they’re store as far as I last heard does like 500 or 600 cars a day which like fuck#if we go up there and they put me on drive thru like she made it sound like they’re gonna do then I better JUST be working like order taker#OR the window but not both because I will keel over
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